So I recently found out I was demiromantic, or at least that's what I thought, I've been hanging out more with one of my friend groups and I made a new friend s week - week an a half ago, maybe abit longer, not sure, I've already known about her an been vaguely acquainted to her before we became friends.

I've been hanging out with the group online everyday for abit around a week now, several hours a day, 5-6 sometimes more and I think I'm developing romantic feeling for my new friend, but I don't understand why or how? I thought I was demiromantic, I'm so confused, isn't a week an half to two weeks way to quick to establish the needed emotional connection????

I know I'm not aromantic because I have definitely fallen in love in past. I am definitely asexual because of the very little to almost non existent sexual attraction I feel.

However I'm really confused between being demiromantic and panromantic. I do feel romantic attraction and can fall deeply in love with people of all genders and their gender doesn't matter to me.

But to develop that love for someone I need to feel truly emotionally connected to that person.

So I feel like both panromantic and demiromantic. But does this even make sense? I'm not sure if two different labels can work together. Or is there a whole different word for it?

ok i dont know if this is a universal demi experience or something more specific to me (feel free to lmk ur own experiences in the comments) but i needed to put this somewhere and i think it fits. for context: im straight (i think), demiromantic and demisexual, f17. i have a boyfriend, m17, bi + allo. i also have a bunch of friends of various genders/orientations both online and irl. lately ive been struggling with some mental health stuff and relying on them more. ive noticed, especially while dealing with those recent issues, more and more that i'm physically clingy towards my friends and partner. especially my partner as im allowed to hug him and kiss him on the cheek and cuddle where i cant with my friends. problem is, i WANT to do all that with most/all of my friends.including the online ones which EXTRA sucks because i cant see them irl. i thought i had a squish (i think thats what a queerplatonic crush is called?) on my online friend when i first started noticing this, but i soon realized this applied to all 8 of my close friends on top of wanting that with my bf. i want to hold by friends and cuddle with them on the couch and comfort them and get comfort. i want to have the kind of closeness where i can just lean on my friends when im tored, or have them be comfy enough to hug me whenever. i want a sort of quasi-platonic closeness with all of them strongly enough that it almost makes me sick. i want to clarify, i feel no romantic or sexual attraction to anyone save my bf as far as i can tell. i'm also not sure if im poly but i would lean towards no. the platonic desire is aggressive and it makes me want to explode but also i cant act on any of it and its making me feel pretty lonely. esp. with some of them being online buddies or uncomfortable with touch in general, let alone typically romantic types. the best way to describe how i feel i guess is that. im a little in love with all my friends. i care for them so much it hurts. not romantic love, but love all the same. i would die for them and i cant tell them that so i try to communicate it in every little way, and maybe it gets lost in translation but i hope they know. i hope they know i love them, that i would go tp the ends of the earth for them.i wish i could hold them and tell them and show them but i cant and it makes me want to cry. but i dont, because i love them and i dont want them to worry. sorry for being sappy its 1:24 am and the Longing hit. uhhh lmk if this is normal i guess in the comments. -K

Sorry weird vent mods delete if it dosent fit, I recently have come to terms with being demiromantic, I have been on like 20+ dates in the past 6 months, and no spark for any of them, and im 100% sure they can tell since i get a lot of very pleasant rejections for date 2. like multiple tried to acctually become freinds after so its probably not me just being detestable or something. It feels like online dating is the only way to find a partner these days, as all my freinds are either in relationships, or otherwise not availible. Ive known im demisexual for a while but Im now sure im demiromantic too. it unironically feels like a curse, like a part of life is locked away from me.

I've always been curious about romantic and sexual relationships due to the cultural emphasis they get.

When I was around 12 (which is primary/elementary school in my country), I'm pretty sure I had a crush on a boy classmate and later, on a girl classmate, at the same time (I even thought that meant I was poly lol). But it only lasted one year (the whole school year lol) and I completely moved on by the holidays/vacations. The reasons why I'm sure I had a crush on them is because I found them "cool" (they weren't, they bullied other people) and I had physical reactions like feeling heat on my face (and in rare cases on my back or torso?) and a faster heartbeat when they were around (I was nervous because I wanted to look good/cool in front of them).

Then, some years went by and I started a new secondary/high school (I was 15) where I met a guy and we became friends, I especially admired him due to the fact he was a polyglot. After a few months I developed a crush on him (although not as strong as the previous ones; I barely had a faster heartbeat, nothing else), but he started to behave in a way I didn't like and I kinda "choose" to unfall myself: I stopped hanging out with him and a few months later I completely moved on.

Finally, as I continued high-school, I became closer with a funny classmate who sat behind my desk and for some reason everyone started "pairing/shipping" us. Even my own family. At first I thought that, if everyone was saying it, maybe it was a good idea; but then I imagined how that would play out and, for me, it wasn't any different from being "just friends" (hanging out, going to each other's houses, chatting) because I really dislike kisses (especially with tongue) and the idea of sex (I'm a virgin lol) since I have a low sex drive (not asexual btw).

So, I'm confused as to why I had sexual (the physical reactions) and romantic (not "puppy love") feelings as a literal child, but now that I have physically developed I seemingly can't do it anymore. Every medicine and psychology articles I read describe the opposite: when children "fall" or "date" it's because they have strong platonic (not sexual or romantic) feelings for each other, whereas teenagers and adults develop the "ability" of having non platonic feelings.

Tl;dr: when I was 12 and 15 I had a crush (sexual + romantic attraction) on a total of 3 people, but never confessed and moved one pretty quickly (longest crush lasted 1 year). Now that I'm in adulthood I don't have interest in sexual or romantic stuff; based on what I know about sexuality it should be the other way around. What happened?

Clarifications: I was NOT sexually abused in any way; I've never been in a romantic relationship; when I had my 12 y/o crushes the most sexual fantasy I had was hugging each other with few clothes (not naked) to have more skin-on-skin contact.

I know I'm demisexual, but recently I've started to wonder if I'm also demiromantic. My evidence: it's hard for me to distinguish romantic from platonic attraction in the early stages, and I can't think of any specific examples of falling for someone I didn't know, though that could be an extension of my demisexuality, and I've had a lot of crushes on fictional characters so that could be a point against demiromanticism. Fwiw, I've also had multiple people tell me I seem like I might be demiro, though I know in the end I'm the only one who can tell. I'm currently in a relationship (and a very happy one at that), so it's not really my priority, but finding out more about myself one way or another would be a nice bonus.

Being demiromantic complicates things way too much. Why can't I be '100% aromantic' or be 0% aromantic? I hate this inbetween where you have the complications of both sides. How can I figure out if these are romantic feelings I am feeling? If they are, why do I have to feel them?

Why can't I be one or the other. I sometimes hate being in this middle ground.

For context, I am autistic. Very stereotypical socially inept, dense, and stubborn autistic. Think Laios from Delicious in Dungeon.

I’ve had this “friend” since eighth grade. They’re a Demigirl and for privacy I’m going to call them Peach.

When we first met I had a girlfriend I didn’t like. She wasn’t my type at all and she was weirdly sexual to me. I didn’t date after braking up with her and in 9th grade I thought I was AroAce.

Story: I don’t know when it started, and maybe that’s why I never recognized it. The first years were rough, I was a stupid boy. I refused to be open, I was mean, I thought I was cooler than I was. But they were willing to break down my walls. It was a gradual but constant, unwavering desire to me close to me. It was weird, I didn’t understand why they would want that. But little by little, they “wore” me down. (I don’t like that, makes it sound negative but I don’t know another way to word it.) It started with hugs, the holding hands, resting my legs in her lap. I think the biggest thing was in 10-11th grade? They mentioned no having their first kiss. I suddenly decided I wanted to, I needed to be their first kiss. I was still convinced I was Aromatic. So we started kissing, a lot, any chance we got our lips were on each-others. Simple pecs and stuff, we never kissed for more than a few seconds. After this I started obsessing with how gorgeous they were. I loved everything about them, even the things they hated. I loved their light brown hair, their high hyperactive voice, their nose, the fact when they wait for things they purse their lips in a way that’s looks like :3. Especially the things they hated about themselves, maybe those were my favorite because I liked be a contrarian.

It got to a point were they were tired of my autistic bullshit. Everyone was, it was obvious I was completely in love with this girl and I didn’t know. They sat me down and gave me a long ass lecture about how my actions and words don’t match up, how I need to stop being stubborn and accept the truth. A week later I asked them out. Two days later I made them earrings and bought them a book. Now I can’t stay off them. Any chance I have my heads on their shoulder, she smells so nice. I think all my friends are tired of me talking about them at any chance. This was another excuse to rant about my girlfriend. I was going to talk about a few of the insecurities I had with “being attracted enough” to them, but after writing this. I’m smitten and I can’t deny that. I also realized I gave them a fake name at the beginning and never used it lol.

Hey everyone so I am 20yrs (F), and I'm bisexual, demiromantic... I was wondering how does demi romanticism shows when in a relationship...For me, it's when I've been friends with the person, and then if we get into a relationship, I feel very "loving" towards them. but, at the same time can it manifest in other forms?

My (F22) best friend (F27) of 3 years has recently started flirting with me very obviously. I counted: roughly 5 romantically toned comments per hour. In the past, I've made a joking sexual comment on occasion, but this is new. For the record: I've liked her romantically for 2 years (and I can envision a future with her) but never said anything out of fear to ruin our amazing friendship. Both of us are bi. Her flirting started after I somewhat jealousy replied to a Twitter post of hers mentioning a guy at her work who seemed interested in her. Perhaps, she picked up on that. But now, I'm not sure if she's joking to test me, or if she's serious about this. How do I tell? I've never been in a relationship before and I'm demi as fuck, I have no real experience with any of this, so this is confusing.

Does anyone experience emotions really intensely like to the point it feels overwhelming. For example, I’m consistently at a neutral level when it comes to my emotions I really don’t feel a whole lot until I do. It’s like a wave of just pure energy coming at me that honestly it disrupts me. This happened to me with my first relationship and the first person I ever liked and loved. It was so intense it felt like it was going to explode out of me, but this isn’t just for romantic feelings. Honestly, it’s for every one of them and I was wondering if anyone had the same experience?

(Sorry if this makes no sense I suck at explaining things) (BTW this is a repost of my post from the Aromantic subreddit with a few changes)

So I am (or maybe was) Aroace and I might've caught romantic feelings for a friend of mine but idk if it's romantic or just me loving them a lot (platonically).

Storytime/context to how this started: I have a friend who means a lot to me, she's the reason why I realised people care about me and has just made my view of going school a lot better. These feelings were always just platonic (or at least I think they were).

On Christmas Eve I got hit with a horrible sickness bug that has absolutely killed me for the past month (still is sometimes tbh this "phantom acid" as the doctor described it as is a pain). I felt like shit throughout most of my days but whenever I thought about her (my friend), I always felt better, I always kept on forgetting that I was sick. And like that can't be just platonic right? Whenever I thought about my other friends I didn't feel better, it was just her. And now whenever I think about her I get butterflies in my stomach but idk if they actually are butterflies or just the "Phantom acid" thing. Every person I've spoke to about this has essentially told me "yeah you have a crush on her" but idk if it actually is or not 😭😭😭

I always see memes from the Aro/Ace community about how they always question their sexuality once they care about someone a little too much and idk if I'm going through that or it's actually fr a crush.

So like do I have a crush on her or is it just me overthinking things? I'm asking you all cus you're all demi and hopefully there's someone here who went through the same thing as me and can give an answer. Hopefully this makes sense and I explained it well. Thanks 🙃

I (23M) have never been in a romantic relationship. I've never felt the desire for one. At least not until I was 18 and started realizing i had developed feelings for my friend. For the first time I wanted to ask someone out on a date. I wanted all the cute dates and conversations about life together. Needless to say she rejected me and then ended up cutting me off. 3-4-ish years later enters someone new in college. Instantly she was beautiful to me and I wanted to know her better, but I never could bring myself to talk to her. Later we had more classes together and we became good friends. Then, again, I started to notice that I had truly developed feelings for her. I had asked her out and she again rejected me, but we were able to stay friends for some time. But in the conversation we had after she rejected me we talked about sexuality. She disclosed to me that she was demisexual. She then said she thinks I'm a lot like her. I've never had an issue with being sexually attracted to someone, like wanting to have sex with someone. But instead it was romantic attraction was something that was difficult to me. I had crushes but it was more of a secual crush to me. There was no substance of character behind those crushes. But with these two, it was different. So I don't think I'm demisexual, but more demiromantic? Like demiromantic with a twinge of demisexuality by fact of me not wanting to have sex with someone I'm romantic with? I don't know. It makes sense to me i guess and it doesn't really change anything. But I don't know how to date. I dont know how to feel something for someone who isn't a friend.

The only times ive fallen for anybody, ive been either extremely close with them or ive at least talked to them and gotten to know them first (developing feelings only after ive gotten to know them more) Today i met someone who i thought was attractive looking, ive sometimes recognized when people look good, im not blind, but dont ever feel anything But with this person i kept looking in their direction, kept trying to not be lame and found myself wanting to sit near them if possible But theres no nervousness that has occurred when i liked the only two other people ive ever liked. Theres no faster heart rate and theres no blushing or anything Im really confused

The title makes it sound like it happens every month but it's really every couple of years since it takes me so long to develop feelings, but once I become very close to a friend to the point where we trust each other more than anyone and can have an intimate platonic relationship I end up falling so hard. I was in love with my childhood best friend for five years and eventually had to end the friendship after a full decade of us knowing each other because I needed to move on and I couldn't as long as we remained so close. The cycle keeps repeating: I'll make a new friend, we talk every day for months and months on end, and then I realize I care about them more than just platonically and then everything gets so messy. I hate ruining these beautiful friendships because my heart gets in the way. Just wanted to get this off my chest and figured you all here might be able to relate

I’m 21 and have had a few relationships and one sexual experience. I guess I dated the people I did for validation, because I felt left out or like just wanted to be loved. I didn’t really have proper feelings for them, one was a friend and I felt bad saying no as I genuinely liked spending time with him, one was a guy who I thought was fine and all but I used him for nightouts and a social life, one was a date who I found attractive but feelings was dead and he wasn’t a good date at all and then the odd other date that I blocked because it was a disaster or I couldn’t lead them on because I knew I didn’t like them that way. When I was like year 9, I had a few crushes but when you are like 14 it’s just oh he’s cute and that was it. I never really have proper romantic feelings for anyone ever. Then I genuinely did fall in love with my best friend but she was straight, so obviously nothing happened but this was because I had a bond over years with her and knew everything about her. I then haven’t liked anyone for years. One guy I do like a bit, he’s taken and I only like him again because I have built an emotional connection to him over a few years. I feel like at university, I don’t even have the time to build that connect as I barely see them because of flex timetables. Dating apps are pointless as I can’t form a connection with someone I met two seconds ago. I mean I never had feelings for anyone I dated and felt like I had too or was lacking experience and just wanted the validation as I said. I genuinely have only liked two people and I liked them over years of knowing them ( high school) when I can’t form that connection being out of high school and barely knowing stuff about anyone. Most of my friends are straight girls anyway, so I never meet any gay/bi girls or straight/bi guys anymore. I guess I’m just scared I will be alone forever. Dating is hard enough anyway in 2025 and my non Demi friends struggle but I feel like me only developing feelings after a close bond, is making it harder than them. I feel like if I don’t meet someone by 25 or something, it means I’m unlovable or something is wrong with me or my appearance and I have failed in life. Technically I can live without a relationship and are fine by myself, I guess it’s society and past comments from ex toxic friends ( saying no one will love me or stuff) that have scared me.

Okay HI!

I have never posted on this app before, but I constantly see people getting advice off of here and my thoughts are in shambles so I thought I might as well give it a shot.
I have been Questioning if I was demiromantic since the moment I found out what the term means, I started researching terms because I've always thought something wrong with me. For as long as I can remember I've only been in love with people I'm emotionally attached to or have good bonds with, I have never had a celebrity crush. I have never understood the big deal of having celebrity crushes. Still, I have had many people invalidate me / say that I have "attachment issues" and so I've constantly second-guessing myself
ever since my very first boyfriend I haven't been able to date someone if I don't know them well enough first, or if I don't have a good enough connection with them, and this means I constantly date close friends which I know not all demi-romantics do this but I believe some do?? Correct me if I'm wrong
because I think people from afar are cute, but I don't want to date them unless I know them well, and it grosses me out if I don't know them well enough or have a good emotional connection with them, and because of this I usually have very long talking stages and eventually people lose interest and we just become very good friends instead and then my feelings arent reciprocated.
For example, with my very first boyfriend, I met him when I moved schools back in 2020. He was super sweet and a part of my friend group, and eventually, we started texting and talking 24/7. We started to become inseparable and I remember getting emotionally attached to him after I had known him for at least a few months, and eventually, we dated and broke up, etc, etc but ever since my first boyfriend I get grossed out if I don't know them well enough.
For example, around August last year I dated this guy online, (I know don't come for me), we had been talking for two weeks and I guess you could say I was attracted to him. I don't wanna say i didn't like him because that sounds mean and like "whats the point in dating him then?" I definitely felt something, but it wasn't as strong as people that I've liked in the past. And so we started dating because i thought "Hey whats the worst that could happen?" but he said that he loved me within the first three hours of dating and it grossed me out, not because of him, but because I just realised I didn't know him well enough and he was already saying he loved me and I thought he was way more attached to me then I was to him, so I ended things
Am I just being picky? Or could I possiblbeme demi-romantic? Because I've been going through a constant loop of thinking "Yes I am, oh wait no I'm not", and I'm too scared to mention this to my family because it's not like it changes the fact that I'm still straight, so I've been keeping it all bottled up in my head anitts eventually started to stress me out way more than I need to be,
Any advice would be great! Sorry for my rambling <3

Are demisexuality and demiromanticism two things strictly connected, or can one exist without the other?

I feel at the end people will just advice me to ask my therapist which I'm working on, but let's be real. Most therapists aren't LGBTQIA+-informed. Unless I'm talking to someone with a lived experience of being in the aro-spec community, they most likely won't get it and just tell me to identify what's most comfortable or shit like that which is useless tbh.

It's just that, I'm AuDHD and I have both emotional dysregulation and lack of emotional permanence, it's too easy to not fall in love and that's why I've always been comfortable identifying as aroace. Not to mention my trauma exacerbate these two traits and identifying as aroacs protects me too. I was comfortable for several years until someone barge into my life and makes me question what I'm feel about them.

I've been in the process of trauma healing for a while, there's still some baggage left but I've fuction well for day to day which means I'm not just clinging to them due to lacking affection yet... I want them to be happy and I want to be with them all my life. They're currently busy and hard to contact since the new years and these are times when I feel like I don't feel as strongly to them anymore. I still want them to be happy, but I think it's cuz it's only appropriate for someone to want their closest people to be happy.

It makes me want to reevaluate what I've felt for them. Was it just euphoria from the connection or was it truly falling in love? Am I currently falling out of love or did I just not have any feelings for them to begin with?

TLDR: I'm not asking if it's okay to identify as demi, I know the answer, but more like, am I in love or not?

I recently realized that I am both demiromantic and demisexual. For a long time, I have always been disgusted with the thought of using a dating app, as I couldn't understand why people could just see someone or look at a profile and want to be in a relationship without having first built up a close connection to the other person supported by deep and underlying friendship. I recently have been struggling with the thoughts of being lonely as well, as I want to have a gf where we truly care for one another beyond just platonic friends, but I need that connection with someone first and the only girls that I am that close with are either straight or don't have any interest in me. Many of my friends keep telling me to use dating apps, but I feel like I am just going to find someone who is interested in hooking up or more short-term relationships. I am also trans but not on hrt yet, and want someone who will see me for the real me and who I truly am, which currently has to be completely separate from my physical body.

As I am still fairly new to the demi community, I want to know what other's experiences are, and if dating apps have good potential or would ultimately just be a waste of my time. I also have concerns about chasers, homophobia, and especially transphobia from dating apps. And if there are good dating apps out there, especially for demis, I would be interested in giving them a reserved chance.

We all grew up in a society where love is everywhere and is seen as something instant and fast, those sayings that you will know when you find the right one. I always felt broken, all my friends had already had their "first times" (kisses, boyfriends, girlfriends, sex, etc) and I wondered why I was still alone, I thought I was aromantic but I knew it wasn't true since I had already fallen in love with a friend I had known for 4 years. Then I discovered that I was demiromantic and I couldn't feel happier and more comfortable in my own skin, although I don't feel like being with anyone now I feel better understanding myself and my feelings ❤️‍🩹

Dear fellow demis and questioning,

I was recently rejected by a close friend and I really need some supportive words from people who understand how difficult this is for somebody who doesn't often feel romantically about somebody.

So about 6 months ago, I fell in love with my very good friend, and right before Christmas I decided to tell him.
Some more context about this guy: I certainly wasn't 100% confident that he liked me back, but I felt we had a special connection and that we really enjoyed each other's presence. We regularly found out about random things we have in common, and we shared very wholesome and valuable moments talking about life and the universe. It felt like we just 'got' each other in a very unique way. It turned out we are super aligned in our values, life goals, humor, and interests. We met in an improv class ~1 year ago and have been doing improv together twice a week ever since. Since we are performing in the same improv group and do shows semi-regularly, I also don't really have a choice but to see him every couple of days; not least because the group as a whole is also my main group of friends.

Fast forward to me inviting him for a walk, and sharing that I felt there was more between us than friendship, and that I liked the idea of it. His answer was basically that he had considered it, but decided that he valued the friendship more. He said he 'also felt a quite special connection that made him consider whether there was more to it than friendship'. But in the end he decided against it because of the friendship. (as a side note, I shared this with a friend and he said he wouldn't consider this as a hard no; I did until now think of it as a hard no, but open to hearing your thoughts on this)

Now, as a demiromantic/demisexual, I can't really relate to this reasoning. Of course I respect his choice and I won't push him on this further, but nevertheless the rejection hurts like hell; especially because it sounds like he felt something in the past but simply *decided* to stop feeling things because he valued the friendship more. It almost feels like I missed my chance. As someone who needs there to be a close connection before I can even feel any romantic feelings, I'm hurting a lot because of this. I understand of course that taking it beyond a friendship would be a risk, but I decided its worth that risk for me, but he decided its not worth it for him.

As it stands, I think I would benefit a lot and be able to heal if I could take a lot of space; to not see him for at least a month or longer. But like I mentioned above, this is simply not an option because of our intertwined friend circles and common improv group.

Interacting with him is extremely difficult for me right now and makes me just want to run away. It hurts to be around him, especially because he is acting as if the elephant in the room doesn't exist and everything is fine. I fear that it will be months before I can feel somewhat normal around him again - I can't even enjoy improv as much as before because I am extremely self-aware and uncomfortable around him.

I guess I just need some support and encouraging words from somebody who understands. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

Take care

Long story short, I've (27F) previously been attracted only to women and very sparingly whom I was extremely close with, I'm now very close with a guy and I'm like "is this... beyond platonic at this point?" Like fuck....

I guess two part question

1. How can you kind of tell the difference between being aromantic seeking platonic closeness and being demi and developing romantic desire towards someone and
2. How do you figure out if you're mono-attracted (gay/straight) or poly-attracted (bi/pan) when attraction is so rare for you in the first place?

hi o/ im ace and im recently discovering Im most likely demiromantic; i also have trouble identifying my emotions, so that has made this harder to ID. this is my first relationship with a woman, and for her its her first ever.

we met on a dating app 7-8 mo ago and we became friends. we started seriously dating 6 months ago when she asked me to be her girlfriend, on the second date. i said yes because i wanted to see where this would go, ive always wanted a girlfriend, and maybe also because im a people pleaser; i didnt want to say

but i did feel like it was all happening so fast. i wouldve liked more time to get to know her and see if i actually have romantic feelings for her. she is sweet and kind and so considerate when it came to my asexuality. i like her company, her smile, her laugh, her accent and having someone to go out with. but recently we kissed for the first time. she was so happy and cried tears of joy (and anxiety, shes also super anxious). and i felt. nothing really. i didnt like it.

in the first few dates i was excited to have a gf. but now i feel like i never had romantic feelings for her in the first place. she has initiated all the hand holding, kissing, and more than half of the dates. and i feel terrible for not doing enough/making myself kiss her.

in fact ive been tossing around the idea of breaking up w her because im not as enthusiastic as she is about the relationship. i feel like i am doing this FOR her, instead of thinking about what i want. do i like her as a friend? yes shes a lovely human being. Do I wanna spend the next year or so in a romantic relationship with her? i am not sure.

Im also considering the idea that I may have an avoidant attachment style, like i would rather run away than face the possibility of a good relationship. i dont wanna keep her from finding someone who will match her level of love and affection. currently i feel as tho i cant be as affectionate as she is. hand holding is fine but the kiss set me off on this spiral of thought.

and my last 'relationship' was a similar vibe: a friend had a crush on me and when he confessed to me, we started 'dating', in quotes because it was only one date. i felt like i had to date him because he put himself out there. then after a couple months we broke it off because of the lack of romance in the room. so yeah it feels like im back there again; dating out of obligation.

TLDR im in a 6 mo relationship; felt like it was too soon to start dating this person. shes kind/considerate/has done no wrong, im not enthusiastic about a future w her. and we kissed and it left me feeling odd/nothing for a future together

would love to hear if anyone else has experienced this? and to get some advice on how i should move forward w this? should i break it off? I would like to at least talk to her about it and see what comes out of that. Would appreciate any comments/honesty!! thank you for reading !

EDIT: thanks to everyone who commented! i appreciate the advice. i went and talked to her about it and we agreed to stay friends. ofc she was hurt and i gave her space to grieve. i feel terrible but we both agreed it was for the best. gonna take some time to think about future relationships now that ive realized im demiromantic. thanks again o7

Hi there! This is probably a dumb question but I wanted advice if that's alright. I know "friendzone" is a dumb term but it's what pops into my head for this. There's a tl;dr at the end, but here are the details:

I (27F demi-ace) have known my friend (27M allo) for a long time now, almost 10 years I think at this point. He's asked me out a few times over the years and was really sweet and respectful about it each time.

First time, I didn't think we knew each other well even as friends, let alone as someone to date (he asked me after only knowing each other like a month). I told him as much and he said he understood.

Second time, we had gotten to know each other as friends for 6ish months kind of time, but this was years ago when I was SO depressed. Lying on the floor, crying every day kinda depressed. Unhealthy and definitely not interested in romance of ANY kind at the time. I didn't tell him that, though, I was really ashamed and didn't want to drag anyone down into my depression, both new friends like him and even my close friends. I just told him I wanted to stay friends. He was very understanding and backed off but we stayed friends all these years. (Side note, I'm doing WAY better in recent years thanks to therapy.)

Last year, tho, he asked me out again. I wanted so badly to accept this time, as over time I did develop feelings for him, but at the time just... so many things were messed up in my life that I won't get into. The biggest were two things: family obligations and bad advice.
(1.) I was stuck helping a sick family member and just didn't have the time or headspace to try out a romantic relationship - especially one where if it went wrong, I could potentially hurt and lose a close friend.
(2.) Then people I asked for advice turned out to not have my best interests at heart* and told me all the things that would go wrong, so it would be better if I told him no and did it as "clean as possible" so I wouldn't keep stringing him along (which I didn't mean to do, I thought I was just acting like a friend but sometimes I get "ace blindness" I guess). They told me if I explained myself, it would give him false hope and hurt him worse.

So I turned him down saying I'd really like to just stay friends. He apologized for asking me and then we didn't really talk for like... 2 months after that.

When we did finally get to hang out again at the end of last year, it hit me how much I had missed him and how MUCH I cared about him. I've been kicking myself everyday since realizing how REAL and rare (for me) my affection for him was.

I know I messed up :( I really hate myself for not seeing through the people that gave me selfish advice. I feel worse for not giving him more credit to just talk to him about it all (communication is important in relationships, after all!!!).

I feel like after turning him down 3 times, there's no way I could possibly ever have a shot with him. I want so bad to just explain all of this to him and apologize and ask for a chance, but when I look at it on paper, I wanna shove my head in the sand. "Yeah, I know I turned you down 3 times, but NOW I wanna ask YOU out!" Even if there's more to it than that, it still feels so... UGH!!! :(

So I guess:
tl;dr: I stupidly friendzoned someone I really care about by turning him down 3x over the years. Yes, I know all the ways I messed up :( Do I have any chance of salvaging this and asking him out? If not, that's okay, maybe that is what I need to hear to get over this.

I'd just like to hear from people who also experience romantic attraction slowly (or rarely) like me and understand why "you should've said yes the first time" isn't really helpful advice :( Thanks for listening to my rambling

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*The people I asked for advice turned out to be really crappy family members trying to isolate me and then a close friend that told me to turn him down so that a day after I sent the message, SHE could ask me out :/ Things like that, but that's not what this post is about. Just wanted to clarify how I know their advice was motivated for their own selfish reasons and not actual logistics or my own happiness.

I think im poly, im not 100% sure. I think its hard to tell when you know youre demi. Ive been with my partner for a few years now and ive caught some sort of feelings for an online friend. I think theyre romantic. But honestly ive been trying to not entertain those feelings. My partner and i have been have a lot of communication issues so we've been misaligned lately. We're both disabled and struggling to make ends meet so we're getting frustrated easily. We're getting a lot better. When i let them know how i was feeling towards my friend, we both agreed that it wasnt a good time for me to start a new relationship. I know theyre feeling insecure, i dont feel like i have the energy to maintain 2 relationships. Not until we're more secure financially and emotionally.

I kind of dont know how to tell. I dont really feel a lot of romantic love for my partner. I feel a lot of affection, and a really strong bond. But i dont have a lot of experience with romantic attraction. I love them a great deal. But when we're connected it just feels very comfortable. Like we're resonating at the same frequency. Its fun, but i dont feel compelled to do romantic things like they want. I do get them flowers and try to take them on dates, but its a very manual thing that i do because it makes them happy and I enjoy them being happy.

Idk if id suddenly do romantic things more naturally if i felt romantic attraction to them.

The feeling i have towards my friend feels more energetic. The best way i can describe it is like 'tail-waggy'.

And my heart sinks because he's been talking a lot about how he doesn't know if he'll find love or someone who will accept him as he is. And i want him to know he is loved and accepted and cherished. I dont think i care if he returns those feelings, our friendship is more important. I honestly feel like itd be more complicated if he did wind up feeling the same way. Like how would we interact until we all feel stable to start a relationship? Id feel like i was cheating if we slipped into talking more affectionately. But i would hate rejecting him too. As of now its a non-existent problem, but i cant stop considering it.

Hate chatting online with people about what I’m looking for and my poetic hopeless romantic self is truthful about wanting to find cute romantic partners.. sometimes people act like I’m not demi because I want that. Just because I tell you I want that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely need that connection to even get it. I just know what I want buddy. 😭

Last year, I felt true romantic feelings for somebody for the first time in my life, and it was for my best friend of 3 years. I crushed on him hard in silence for a couple months, then confessed; and we dated, for 3 months. Those 3 months were probably the best time of my life. I don't know if i've ever been happier than I was with him. He treated me great, and I thought he was happy too, but then he broke things off because, turns out, he just didn't feel the same. He still just thought of me as a friend, and I thought I'd be okay with that. But it was only after the relationship was over that I realized how truly in love I was. Trying to be 'just friends' after all that was... I didn't know how to conduct myself. I just felt that I was being clingy or burdensome. So... we talked about it, and now, I'm taking a break. From my best friend. Whom I spent almost every single day for the previous year and a half hanging out with.

Even before dating we were incredibly close, and now it just feels like... I don't know if I can actually be his friend anymore. Maybe, given enough time and experience, the wall that exists in my mind between us now will soften, and we can become close again. But that feels impossibly far away, and I already miss him badly.

Something that I'm trying to accept as a bit of motivational wisdom is that... now that I've felt love for the first time, I can surely feel it again. Basically, there are other fish in the sea. But... how? I'm sure it's possible that I can, but... I live for 26 years before falling in love the first time, and it took me knowing this guy for over 3 years to actually want to date him. How long is it going to take me to find another friend I can get close enough to even feel comfortable being intimate with?

I'm not exactly the most social, outgoing person. I've been kind of a shut in recently. I guess that answer is to just meet more people, make more friends, but that feels like it'd require a big change in my general lifestyle. Is this what what drives allo people? This emptiness that's facing me with all of my flaws, a sinking feeling of needing to be different in order to court people so that I can fill this hole in my life?

I just miss him so much. I don't care if I can't be his anymore, I just want to be his friend again. But I don't know if I can suppress my feelings enough to manage it.

I'm so crushed. I feel broken. And I feel like a damn child because I'm experiencing true heartbreak over my first real crush at 26 years old. The period since our breakup is already longer than the duration of the relationship. It was a blip on the radar in the grand scheme, and it ruined me.

Hiding this cus it's a raw nerve: >!Just... why? Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just be attracted to people and seek relationships like a 'normal' person? I'm sorry if that's triggering, but I just can't help but feel lesser.!<

Any advice for not having any reoccurring thoughts about an ex? It’s been two years since we broke up and maybe a year since we stopped contact but she’s been plaguing my mind. I’ve tried everything from deleting her from my social medias, checked any apps for any lingering pictures, wrote a letter to her that I didn’t send, wrote down the things I felt I never got out, and when reflecting I even apologized to her for some of my actions. Like what else is there to do cause it’s gotten to the point where I’m annoyed with myself because I wish I could’ve gotten over her fully. She was my first relationship and meant a lot to me and I hope she’s doing well but I really wanna move on. Especially because of the way we left things at and the way I was treated I REALLY wanna move on.

It got so bad once that I got angry that the thought of her wouldn’t leave me alone and I started thinking about all the things that she had done that hurt me to try and get her outta my head, but even then that held no weight. I tried focusing on myself and investing in my friendships, family, hobbies, work, and college but nothing has been working.