This question is simple, how many aro/allo people exist? If anybody has the answer to this please tell me. Ps feel free to argue I love watching arguments.

Hey there! I'm M45, cishet and allosexual, questioning if I might be aromantic/greyromantic. I'll make a separate post about why I am wondering about that later, but for right now, I want to ask: anyone here have experience with extreme guilt over sexual attraction or expressing sexual attraction? Particularly worry over so-called "objectification", or just being seen as "gross"/"demeaning"?

Edit: tagged as spoiler for potential triggers in the comments

Interpersonal connection is great right? I want a girlfriend who isn’t my girlfriend, a guy who isn’t just a hookup, a partner who’s actually just my best friend that I have sex with- you get the idea.

I just don’t know how to explain that I want a relationship, just not ‘that kind’ of relationship. I honestly feel a bit guilty for even wanting something like that. :/

Edit: oh cool, this post has been locked too because it's "not inclusive" with no explanation for what isn't inclusive.

Guess I will no longer try to find community with aro ppl at all. I am clearly not welcome. Thanks so much!

Everytime I try to post i get flagged by a bot because questioning people are restricted to a megathread nobody reads. If you use the questioning flair, even if the post isn't asking if you're aro, the post gets deleted by a bot.

My posts have also been deleted because I used the "wrong language." I asked if anyone else felt "partly aromantic" and it got flagged as "arospecphobia" and deleted. When I messaged the mods, they told me "it's just a bot" and muted me.

I'm trying to find community and understand myself better. That sub is so incredibly unwelcoming and restrictive, and there are so few places to find other aro people. It just makes me want to ignore that part of myself because apparently everything I do is wrong.

What relationship style could I potentially try out based on both attractions?

I really love the idea of romance. I love think about people doing romantic things with me I like the idea of people falling in love with me or wanting to be with me. I think about all of these things but when it comes down to it the most I have is alterous attraction which still isn’t necessarily romantic and happens rarely. And when people try to do romantic things with me it just makes me kinda uncomfortable. Does anyone else have the same experience?

most of the aro people I see talking abt their experiences mention never having crushes on anyone, or picking random ones to fit in growing up, but in my teens I had a lot of really intense crushes, that were full of obsession, fantasizing, the whole shabang. it was only once I got into my first relationship that i was like "oh. yeah this ain't it" lmao. in hindsight a lot of these crushes felt more like hyperfixations than anything, and I definitely liked the idea of these people, and how they acted in my head, more than them as actual people. i still get crushes and squishes on people now, but the idea of actually being in a romantic relationship has no appeal to me anymore, which I find a lot of peace in, after romanticizing it for so long😭 does anyone else relate to this?

So uh, without getting into details I had an interesting night with my partner which left my neck… basically covered from shoulder up all in hickeys; like, bruised. And I have uni tomorrow. I guess the question is it inappropriate to just leave as is without taking care to cover it? Like is consent a thing here that people may not want to see it? Is it bad that I don’t wanna to cover it up? For reference I’m in Western Europe.

I know this isn’t specifically aro stuff but I feel like I don’t get what sexual stuff people in public see as appropriate and what is not for some random reasons 😭

For the longest time, I (31M, would be MtF but decided to abandon those plans after the election; that's a story for another time though) always thought that having a crush meant you want to bone someone. I always thought that having to do romantic relationship stuff was just a means to an end, a series of tests one must pass in order to get laid. But the whole having butterflies, romantic dates, gestures, etc. thing never resonated with me. It just felt like a checklist of things I would have to accomplish if I wanted to get in. Every relationship I've ever had has crashed and burned because I would lose energy, motivation, and the will to court. Plus, I would always just be admiring and crushing on every other woman I saw, anyway. All my dating app experiences have resulted in swiping right on just about everyone.

My main motivation for a relationship all my life has been mostly to prove to other guys that I'm a real man, since real men know how to get girlfriends. My desire for a relationship has always disappeared during my refractory periods, however. I've always wanted the glory but without the work required to put in. But now, I realize that the only thing I want to do is lose my virginity once and for all. The election has all but confirmed that it won't happen to me, though; since women won't want to have casual sex anymore due to unforseen pregnancies that will be impossible to eliminate soon.

Between this and my autism, I feel like a total fraud and failure. Any advice?

It is late I’m in my pondering hours and I have realized like actually realized that I’ve never kissed anyone. I don’t know why it hasn’t crossed my mind before….. fuck it that’s what pondering hours are for tho so…

Yo what does kissing even feel like?

Is it good?

Is it bad?

What makes it good or bad?

What do people not commonly think about when they do it?

Why do I want to kiss a MF with no actual context for if I’d like it or not?

Funny first kiss stories encouraged I got a LONG ride home for thanksgiving

I met her on hinge and we’re both coincidentally alloaro. I’m an aromantic lesbian, she’s pan, we already met face to face at a machine girl concert and I can’t wait to see her again.

I feel like I've been searching high and low but with no luck. I've tried out /qprapplications with no luck. Bumble bff isn't available in my country. I've tried AceSpace but it became clear very quickly that most people are there are sex-repulsed to sex-indifferent at best (I think even tho I'm grey-aroace/questioning I'd be quite sex-favorable if I'm comfortable with the person)

And almost everyone on AceSpace were seemingly looking for a romantic relationship ( which isn't that surprisingly given that that's kind of the purpose ) I've tried searching for QPR groups, aro groups, aroace groups etc. But none have been specifically for finding a QPR. I just feel really discouraged. I'm basically looking for something akin to a "typical" relationship except platonic in nature. Basically where you still kiss, cuddle and all the sensual stuff. Just without the romance part. Ironically enough I'm romance-repulsed/averse. I just enjoy the bonding part of it.

But it feels like I'm asking for the impossible. To have my cake and eat it too. Are there any of you out there who know any spaces for perhaps aroallo folks or just folks who would want the kinda arrangement I would? Cause I feel like it simply doesn't exist :(

( i did just find /aroacemeeting but idk if it'll yield any results )

Hello y'all,

I've been considering finally signing up for Fetlife (especially to look for kinky sex partner(s)), but I've had some bad experiences in the past regarding being openly Aromantic on BDSM forums before. Has anyone here used Fetlife before? How safe was it to navigate as an aro person?

When i look up "aro book" on the internet i get so many books about the ace identities and they just MENTION aromanticism in it but it's so UNFAIR. We exist as our own, we shouldn't rely on another community that is not ours to represent us, AND NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT WAY BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ALL ACE JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ARO. I'm so pissed.

They loved the thought of me. The image in their head. Not the real me. They didn't even know me. Even early in dating. It takes months to even get a piece of a story of someone. I think that's why it makes me so uncomfortable. Anyone else feel the same?

Also if you do, when and how?

I don't think I'm anywhere on the ace spectrum. I could be wrong tho. But for the most part, I'm alloromantic-allosexual

Yet sometimes, I tend to feel a stronger sexual attraction towards those I don't desire a romantic relationship with.

Meanwhile when it comes to romantic interests, I still feel sexual attraction, but it's not as strong as those I feel aromantic attraction to

I think It's because I feel more comfortable and laid-back with friends and aquaintances compared to the pressure that comes with romantic interests

I wanna know some of your thoughts and opinions as to how I could summarize and process my feelings

I'm not sure if this will be relatable/appropriate, but I can't get it out if my head and I need to get it out somewhere.

I recently went to my first pride event with some friends, and long story short I left feeling kind of unseen as an aro(allo) person.

Don't get me wrong, I actually had a good time! And plus, I know the "a" identities are kind of seen as on the outskirts of queerness. I've been off and on with my feelings about "fitting in" with Queer Culture/LGBTQIA+ as aro as a whole, and most of the time I end up feeling ambivalence, honestly I'm just really happy that I have a label for my romantic feelings that comforts me (aroallo).

It was so nice to see all identities and ages together and I really am glad I went.

But two moments keep sticking out to me.

The first is kind of more bittersweet. There was an activity to, long story short, put coloured stickers on a human cut out to represent your identities. Out of all the stickers there was a single red sticker, for "no romantic attraction." I placed my own red sticker right next to it. I hope the other person knows I'm with them, even if it's just us.

The second was free mini pride flags and stickers were being passed around and I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of excited to see that. I looked nervously with my friend who took theirs almost instantly and just noticed... There wasn't any. There were flags I couldn't even recognise (which is not a problem!), but not the familiar green and grey.

In the end it didn't really matter, I took a bi sticker (no bi flags left haha, that's okay!) and left it at that.

And yet, I was a little sad. I made a point to look at all the merch in the various stalls and couldn't find a single Aro flag of any kind (and honestly only a few asexual). I knew that it wasn't a case of selling out. They were never there to begin with.

Like I said, it's not actually that big of a deal, but I am still coming to terms with my identity even years after finding the word "aromantic" and perhaps a small symbol might have bolstered my pride.

To anyone else reading, if anyone, I'm with you. I see you :)

Have you ever felt like this before?

Hello everyone!

I'm a 27 year old bisexual woman from the UK and I just want to share my experiences with romance and see if this alludes to me being on the aromantic spectrum.

I was born to religious orthodox christians from Egypt and I noticed that I had attraction to women I saw in media but I don't think I had any crushes as a child. When I started going through puberty I only had a few crushes. I went to all girls school and had a crush on a class mate and only a few celebrity crushes that eventually died out.

I felt like I was missing out and was heavily interested in a relationship.

When I got to uni a boy I knew kissed me and it felt good and then I kissed my best friend from sixth form when we got drunk one time.

I've only had one relationship in my life with a woman but then it ended because she was scared of how homophobic her community was. I felt like I was so in love, but now I'm in a position where I just don't give a fuck about romance anymore. I like watching romance in shows and movies, I like fictional romantic couples and whenever I see a cute couple online and in person I get all happy for them, but I've stopped caring about it for myself because I think it might as well be a waste of time.

Now my family don't make romantic relationships look appealing, orthodox Christians are very anti-divorce and will only accept divorce in certain conditions so that doesn't help.

I'm really confused about who I am romantically and need some help figuring it out. I like the affection of sex and foreplay and would like to hook up more in the future, but right now I really don't know.

So I don't really have any doubt that I'm aromantic, I used to think I've had plenty of crushes, but after thinking about it the closest to that I've felt is alterous or queerplatonic attraction.

What I've been unsure about is whether or not I'm also on the asexual spectrum, and after realizing something I'm questioning once again; I've noticed that a lot of aromantics who are also asexual tend to be touch-averse and thus don't like romance-coded things like kissing and holding hands, even outside of a romantic context. So what I'm wondering now is, since aroallos obviously do like physical touch as it's part of sexual activities, could not feeling romantic attraction, possibly even being repulsed by the idea of others being romantically attracted to you, but still liking romance-coded actions be a sign that you're aroallo?

Just to be clear, I'm not saying all aroaces were touch-averse, but this is something I've always experienced differently from a lot of other aros I've interacted with.

I'm pretty sure it has been discussed 100s of times. And I can kind of sense what would help. But I cant find a partner who somehow (remotely) fits to me / I can make it work with. I have friends and contact to my family. I talk about everything. I try and try and I keep going and stuff. I'm not depressed, I find joy in so many things. Still lonley now and then.. And I know that there are others being lonely, but I still be to reminded and comforted..

(Vent)

Man, I wish we had more aro-only spaces. I recently found a social group that meets up in the city in which I live and it's entirely overrun by aces.

There's no separation between aros and aces and it's so fucking frustrating. We probably can't even have one because somebody will pitch a fit.

Sorry to go on, but I'm at my wits end looking for something that seems to not exist.

After asking about this label in the asexuality sub I'm curious about what (aro)allos think of this (I'm definitely aro, but unsure if I'm ace so I'd like to find out if what I experience is an ace or allo thing).

I've recently come across the label peculiace which the LGBTQIA+ Wiki defines as "a term on the asexual spectrum in which one experiences no sexual attraction or arousal except towards kink or fetish acts. Those who are peculiace are unattracted to non-kink related and/or non-fetish related sexual activity. They may have specific kinks and/or fetishes that attract them, or it may be all or almost all kink or fetish acts that arouse them" (https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Peculiace).

First off, an issue I have with this definition is that it doesn't really make sense to say "attraction towards kink or fetish acts", so I'd say a better definition would be something like "not experiencing sexual attraction except in a kink/fetish scenario". While the majority of people who responded to my post thought it was a valid aspec identity as it essentially boils down to only experiencing sexual attraction in specific circumstances (similarly to how demisexuals can only experience sexual attraction once a close emotional bond is formed with someone), I've also seen some people excluding it saying it just described fetishists - however, wouldn't the allosexual norm be to also experience sexual attraction without a fetish/kink involved?

For example, wouldn't an allosexual with a foot fetish, while aroused by feet, still experience an urge to have sex with specific people even without the fetish involved? In that case I'd argue it would make sense to consider people who only derive sexual attraction to others from fetishes to be on the asexual spectrum.

What do you think?