Okay i might just be overthinking this but! If i meet new people that are allo in diffrent social grup settings(not romantic settings) i sometimes get the question if i am in a relationship or not. I assume they are friendly, and just curious. But the problem is i am not 100% sure about these things..... when i go to ask them first or after they ask me... i am afried to give them fals vibes or whatever.... so the question is 'is there a etiquette to this, or more a right way? And how should you ask to seem friendly?

Monthly discussion thread. A place where you can discuss random things that might only tenuously be related to demisexuality or share experiences. Chat away

Posts otherwise not allowed such as adverts are permitted in discussion threads.

Guys, I don't easily feel attracted to someone .... And it's hard to carry conversation without aswell as I get bored very quick too!

Is this like normal?

Secondly, you guys get boner even if you are not into someone emotionally cuz I do! But I don't want to initiate

I'm a 23 year old straight male and have never had a crush at all in my life. Until I was looking on Facebook, that I don't normally do, and saw a girl I was at primary school with had posted a new profile picture. I immediately had all these feelings for her even though I haven't seen her for 12 years, and had completely forgotten about her. It's really strange and doesn't make sense to me how I can feel so much for her. We were close at primary school and the reason I think I'm attracted to her is because I knew her. It's not even her looks I'm really attracted to but more of a feeling thats hard to describe. Am I demisexual or something else.

Im a AFAB who identifies with being a bisexual, but then Ive only had one crush (who ive been friends with since pre-k). On the other hand, i do find both girls and boys attractive, but i dont think i would ever had sex with someone (im 100% a virgin), it makes my skin crawl, same with corn. But also I do have celebrity and fictional crushes, and i do read fanfic, and smut isnt repulsive to me. Its really confusing, and while maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself and put a label on myself, i want to.

Just realised this may have something to do with my demisexuality. I hate porn, always have it’s just too much of a fantasy and unrealistic. Because of this I thought I was asexual but when I watch movies and they have r rated scenes I enjoy them much more. Maybe it’s because they actually have plot lines and we learn about the characters. I started talking to my allo friends about it recently too, they think more about the “action” while for me I have to start thinking about a whole plot line before and even the dialogue lmao to get somewhere.

I don't understand sneaky links, sexual situationships and Friends with benefits, i simply don't and it's ruining my mental health.

I'm 20, soon 21, in uni everyone is sleeping around or so it seems. It really gross me out, like, it's weird for me that they talk randomly about fucking someone they just me every other week.

I have one case that is so on My mind, a girl who have this fwb dinamic and choose someone month in month out, she choose one of My Friends one time and for how he talks about it, it's so weird to me i swear, it's like using them like toys and My friend was like: yeah she take to her house, then treat me like shit when i didnt want that anymore and then ghosted me, but that's how life is.

I'm so confused cause i don't see life like that at all and if someone did that to me i'll probably be something so hurtfull to me. I don't see intimacy as this vague thing people do sometimes with other people they find atractive.

I'm afraid i'm not ready for these kind of world, can't accepted it. It's worse when i realised i'm disgusted by this and anyone who has this life style cause it's just so out of mind for me that i can't truly connect with them.

I'm probably thinking it too much, i'm just venting. I wish in the future i see it in a diferent light but for now i feel so out of place, lonely and stupid.

(I have too sexual desires, i just can't imagine myself in her shoes, or in his position. Still confused about why not just masturbating but that's on me)

I went on a date for the first time. We held hands and I felt nothing. Not excited or annoyed or uncomfortable. Just...nothing. They were lovely and we plan to go out again. It just really solidified what I already knew: I'm very much Demi 😅

I definitely chuckled😆

I am 26M in a fully open same-sex relationship of one year. I have competing desires of wanting to have sex more often with other people vs I want sex to be fulfilling (necessitating an emotional connection). Making friends is difficult enough, but also trying to build a connection that isn’t founded on sex but leaves it open as one of the possible outcomes seems impossible. This is complicated further by the dynamics of queer male interaction; for many having sex is as simple and common as a handshake. Some people don’t bother getting to know you if they can’t get in your pants first. I engaged in a high amount (to me) of casual sex this year and was left wanting. Experiences were only positive if the sex was really good or if the pillow talk was, and even then I have made friends that I mess around with but it’s sporadic and seldom. I like ENM and being able to meet other people, but being demi/somewhere on the graysexual spectrum while also primarily pursuing same sex partners proves challenging. I would love to hear of other experiences and perspectives, ENM or not.

Hi, I'm a 30 year old female and dated a guy for about month. We soon discovered that we had different emotional needs. When I brought up that pursuing this relationship seems pointless to me he asked if I wanted to stay friends. To me it seemed a bad idea at the moment, but I wanted to give a shot. We still see each other but about one in a month within or without a group of mates. I'm happy when I see him but even if I it slowly fades I'm still attracted to him. So I wonder if it's a good idea to keep contact.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently but I don't find the act of sex very pleasurable. All of the pleasure for me comes from the physical intimacy of whoever I'm with and feeling comfortable and vulnerable enough to have sex. The physical part is not enjoyable for me and it makes me feel weird.

For me, and all of my life (I'm AMAB) orgasming has just been a release and not enjoyable. Physical sex or stimulation FEELS good, it's just a means to an end which always ends up feeling shitty too.

I was just wondering if anyone can relate and has a way to work through/feel less weird.

As I’m sure this isn’t new for many in this community, finding friends has not been the easiest for me. (29m Canada)

One of my hobbies is gaming, namely console but I have a PC too. Any of yall interested in gaming together?

EDIT: Here’s my gamer tag (PS5, switch and most online games): airbrutus

Earlier in the convo we had discussed demi-sexuality and he was enthusiastic about being friends first. He even wrote he preferred it that way. Then a bit later, "Need massages?"

I know a lot of people who aren't demi-sexual wouldn't mind this type of message at all!

I'm not trying to blame him, but just.. you know.

Other people who are also chronically ill would expect a bit more empathic answer too - Usually I get a thoughtful reply with other people, thankfully. The timing/ context to offer a massage was a bit wrong, imo.

I shouldn't even try online dating at this point. My bad! I have 2 major blockages:

1. I'm chronically ill
2. I'm demi-sexual

I have a lot of other things going for me, my looks, personality, hobbies.. But most men don't even bother reading profiles, like you and proceed to pretend to understand demi-sexuality while chatting.. until they don't.

Yesterday I was talking to a guy who was even more supportive of the demi-sexuality aspect. He said he was ' a traditional man', loved going slow and preferred to form a bond first. WITHIN THE SAME DAY he texted me 'How do you feel about friends with benefits? We could try that while taking it slow' ... He clearly didn't get it or just tried to change my mind.

This is my 2nd full day on dating apps and I'm feeling overwhelmed already. Luckily, I love being single and have been so calm, happy and content this last year! (Was in a 5+ year serious longterm relationship before this year so it had been ages since I made an account)

(Also please don't mind my English in this text or in the screenshot. I'm in Belgium, English isn't my first language, I was talking to this French guy)

I notice that it takes me a long time to trust friends enough to engage in sexual innuendo/joking or to even talk to them about sex/my sex life. It’s almost like once i’m sure they’re not flirting or interested I’m comfortable opening up in that way. I hope this makes sense.

I never got the attraction to it, always felt super weird to look at strangers like that for me. Once i learned the dark underbelly of the industry I got scared of it too lol. But never found it attractive if anything I just get uncomfortable... Funny thing is though if I'm with someone I have a deep conection with my sex drive is super high for them?? Like with my fiance I'm good never looked at anyone then him, in fact when i learned most people base getting togather off of just looks first was super wild to me, or it being a really important factor anyway. Still understanding my demisexaulity still had no idea that's what i was intell this last year but it makes so much sense. 😭

I ask because most advice online says to basically stop interacting with the person. I'm hoping to find more people here who want to maintain a friendship after being romantically rejected.

So for context (and a mild vent). I've been friends with this girl for like 3 years at this point. We're very close, text every day and try to meet up every 2 weeks or so. Over the summer I confessed I wanted to explore a more romantic relationship with her, which she wasn't interested in. Usually this lack of interest from her would be enough to turn me off, but I'm still feeling very strong aesthetic and romantic attraction for her. It'll feel like its gone but then I'll look at her with a certain lighting or she'll be telling me about her day and I'll fall all over agin. I'm really struggling to move on.

Seeing as i don't want to cut contract, is waiting it out my best shot?

I have a harsh view in the dating world because of bad experiences, so please read it only if you feel ready, it's also my way of ranting about the world.

If a person really likes you and likes to spend time with you, and doesn't want anyone else in their life as their partner, then that person will choose you.

If a person decided that your connection is lost, then that literally means that person doesn't feel bad cutting the relationship with you.

The truth that hurts me the most is that probably that person feels secure in cutting off the relationship because they already have another option that they feel more comfortable with.

Why would someone cut off a relationship just like that and then say they really 'liked' you.

It may be my sad perception of the current dating world but I feel someone acting as they feel bad for cutting you off just so they can come back in case the other option doesn't work out feels like manipulation at it's finest. Like sorry I have to let you go but (if it doesn't work out with the other person) maybe we can try again a later time...

I know reading this may make some people feel bad but I think sometimes understanding this harsh truth is better rather than just trying to figure out what you did right or wrong for months and months. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not personal, that person just prefers another person and that's it.

Some people make decisions based on temporary impulses or emotions and I don't think that's ok, and I think that's why the current dating world is so broken. People having lots of choices at the tip of their finger, discarding left and right like objects based on how they feel at the moment and on temporary impulses...

I don't think a rollercoaster of emotions is love, but I think many people confuse it as it being love.

The insecurities, anxieties, waiting until the other person responds, being left on read and so on... If a person treats you a certain way and you feel bad or good emotions, it's not love, those are just emotions caused by the behaviour of another person. Just because a person can make you feel emotions, doesn't mean it's love.

Love is not how that person makes you feel, feelings are the ancestral way of our body telling us what is good and bad, but as you can see in the world, they can be manipulated very easily.

Like ads showing you tasty burgers making you feel hungry. Movies writing a compelling story making you feel sad or happy... There is a thought process behind that, and that is literally manipulation. It's literally thinking in what way they can show you a stimulus and make you feel a certain way so that you can for example buy more burgers or watch more movies...

I wonder what would happen if people learn certain behaviours to manipulate others into 'falling in love' with them....

I think love is consciously choosing your partner each and every day, because you know them fully and accept them as they are. Not because of how they make you feel or how you make them feel, because feelings always change and can be manipulated, but if it's a conscious choice based on values and personality traits, then I think it is real love.

That's why I think being demi is so beautiful. You don't base your relationship based on feelings of infatuation and limerence, but rather it's based on a strong connection of many memories shared together, moments that made you get to know the personality and values of that person. And that's what you really fall in love with. With that person, how that person is, how that person interacts with the world around it, how that person shares the sames values as you (for example respect, kindness, thoughtfulness).

And that's what makes you want to kiss them, hug them, and be intimate with them.

In the end the feeling you get from choosing a person that aligns with your values and views of the world, that is love.

Hopefully reading this stinging truth wall of text helps you as it also helped me while writing it.

Thanks for reading till the end

Today my demisexual boyfriend and I ended our relationship after 11 months together. He told me that the connection was broken and that even though he really liked me, he couldn't continue our relationship. He said we could try again in the future. I miss you so much.

Hi! I'm Cristian. I'm planning to start estrogen treatment soon and am currently undergoing testosterone-blocking therapy. I'm looking for someone empathetic and fun to talk to, someone I can share thoughts with and ask for advice. Ideally, I'd love to connect with someone in a similar time zone (I'm from Romania) or even better, someone from Romania, so it's easier to sync our schedules. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my message—I can't wait to connect with you!

okay so im not very far in my life (freshan in highschool) and i have not once had a crush on anyone. ive dated and picked random people to have fake 'crushes' on, but i never really had feelings for them. im just really confused over this because most people i know are in relationships already or have a crush, so where's mine?? i had my first kiss with a guy because i couldnt bring myself to say no, and it felt like absolutely nothing. then after that i started contemplating if i was aromantic or lesbian. i feel like its too soon to say im aromantic, but whatever.

but to wind it back to the question: what does it really feel like to have a crush or actually love someone? people always say 'butterflies and electricity' but now it just sounds so cheesy that it's just a fictional way to describe it. i dont know. im just tweaking out right now.

I’m 24 NB but I’m still haven’t had sex because I feel like I want to have a picturesque, cinematic moment where my future partner and I are exploring each over for the first time and I know it sounds like super high expectations and I know this but thinking of any other sex just turns me off. Like I’d simply rather have no sex than bad sex. It’s possible that this stems from my past experience where I experimented with a past parter but the whole relationship was pretty toxic and manipulative so I have bad feelings about that experience and it kinda causes me anxiety for future relationships and when eventually the topic of sex comes up. Sorry for the ramble just wanted to know if anyone can relate.

I mean I do find certain features attractive but I have never had a specific type when it came to attraction. So when people ask me what my type is I’m like ?😦? 🤔

Hi, its me again.. If you havent read my previous posts, please do so, to avoid any misunderstandings and get the full picture..

So.. after all this time he is still here.. Now we are calling like every other day and flirting or sexting every single time of it. Even without alcohol.

And I, being the overthinker that I am, am thinking of.. taking up that offer? Try some light dating? I mean the chemistry is clearly there Im just Very scared I guess

Its just like my best friend right I could only lose one of the best people in my life.. right? :')

So right now my mindset is.. i can go for it, try it out and see where it takes us.. or I can not go for it and eventually lose him anyway because it hurts so much already.. Risk je zisk.. like they say around here "risk is profit" or smth like that..

Im like hardcore I care about this guy. I love him. I would do so much for him.. moving countries is still questionable.. but I mean.. we can try long distance.. I guess we can see where will it take us.. I already hurt from the distance.. May as well give myself a reason to hurt from now on.. right?

So I'm thinking about proposing a qpr. Something like our current status.. which we have named "friends with mental health benefits" but more idk.. relationship-y? But not necessarily a dating? I dont know how to explain. Basically saying a QPR makes me more comfortable than saying dating.. idk.. if anybody has similar mindset please do share because im feeling a bit crazy..

Now onto a bit different topic.. how to propose a such QPR, or rather how to set some rules and or boundaries.. Now we have both never dated before.. which is bad.. zero exp x2 is probably bad..

Now one of the main issues im concerned about is.. drumroll.. his passivity It sounds wrong but basically we are both nonconflict people.. until we arent.. basically he is an overapologizer.. we both are.. but he apologizes so much it loses its value after a certain amount of apologies. Which can rile me up. Because I am a tedious conflict solver.. i have some history of bad communication destroying relationships with friends and family and its projecting on me. I can turn into a bitch when something is not talked about when it needs to be talked about. And he would just apologize. Which is not my intended goal. I DO NOT want to achieve the stereotypical dynamic where the woman is like a dragon and the man is just silently nodding. But its very possible it will happen. Now ive tried telling him in numerous ways, or explaining, emphasis on not hating.. but what he does? Apologizes.. which does what? Rile me up.

I do certainly have more concerns.. but for now thats all.. and the distance? Oh well.. whatever atp

Im also very emotionaly needy i guess Hardcore anxiety Not as much jealousy but a lack of emotional permanence.. which im working on.. its just going.. sloooow.. but im omw there Now he knows that.. (obviously) but i would like some pointers on how to manage this.. i guess

I just need some pointers I guess. Like.. how does one set boundaries? Is it selfish to ask that we first give it a trial run before "coming out" as a couple to our friends and families? Is that a thing? Since we have been good friends for a few years, we have a chunk of people in common, i know his parents, he knows mine (his mom loves me :P) and such And its just idk I wouldnt want to announce it right away if that makes sense idk..

Any tips are welcome 😬

Thanks for listening to my rambles again!

This is just my thoughts coming to the surface.

I’ve landed on that I may be Demi because past experiences have lead me to value taking things slow and gaining a more intimate connection with someone.

The fear is that if I turn out I’m not Demi but potentially ace. Through most of the short term experiences I’ve had that have lead to potential sex I couldn’t get hard enough for penetration. In my first and longest relationship that was around 7 months, I struggled with penetrative sex the entire time but we were intimate in other ways. It always felt like a mixture of I didn’t feel super connected physically/sexually and the fact that I looked at porn easy.

Probably a jumbled mess but open to conversing if anyone has any feedback

Hi, I am Jax and I recently have been thinking that I may be demisexual. For the past few years i’ve thought as myself as bisexual, but mainly being attracted to men. I identify as a guy and was born male. Sometimes I am immediately attracted to someone sexually, but this is sort of rare, and it is usually only that, I am not interested in a relationship with them, but I am sexually attracted to them. However, if i think someone is cute and i have “a crush” on them, it is romantic, but I don’t want to have sex with them right away. For example, one boy at my school is very attractive and I have been sexually attracted to him as soon as I saw him. However, another time there was this boy and he was really cute and I liked his personality, and I wanted to “date” him but didn’t really want to have sex with him yet. I guess I just want to know if this means I am demi, and if it doesn’t what does it mean? Thank you!!

Hi everyone,

I’ve been questioning how much of what I feel is truly authentic versus shaped by societal influences or fleeting curiosity. Sometimes I notice myself focusing on specific features or dynamics, and I can’t tell if it’s actual attraction or just what I’ve been conditioned to think about.

I know emotional connection plays a big role in my attractions, but I also find myself second guessing certain thoughts/ fantasies. Are they genuine, or are they just ideas I’ve internalized from external sources?

For those of you who’ve gone through similar questioning, how did you untangle these feelings and figure out what was real for you?

I’d really appreciate hearing your insights or advice!