To preface: I have never had sex before. Everything I'm about to say is purely based on my interpretations and expectations.

I don't like the idea of having sex. It makes me very uncomfortable and I have no desire for it. I do feel attraction but never to the extent where I want to act on it with others, just myself. These feelings thoughts have been going through my head since a girl recently asked me out, and I don't know what it means...

Do straight people also feel this way before their first time, or does it definitely mean I'm grey ace?

Hi, hello!

I also posted this over at r/asexuality and r/demisexuality but I decided to post it here as well to get other opinions on my experience as well, I hope that's ok.

So, I have been reading about asexuality, demisexuality and graysexuality for a while now. I started because I thought I might fit somewhere in the spectrum, but I’m having trouble identifying if I’m indeed a part of any of those communities or not.

I have read the definition of sexual attraction many times and searched about people’s experiences, but I still don’t know if that’s what I feel or if this is just some kind of aesthetic attraction.

First things first, I have never had any sort of sexual feelings for anyone in person before. I have kissed people, even strangers, but my desire to kiss those people didn’t even come from anything sexual, it came from the desire for attention and to “catch up” because all of my friends had a lot of experience and I didn’t. Another thing is that, while kissing them, I had no instinct or desire to touch them in a sexual way at all, even if they were fine with it.

I have dated before, it was long distance and we only saw each other once while dating. This is what starts making it all confusing to me.

When I saw my ex in person, I really wanted to kiss them, I even kissed their neck too, but that was it, it felt more romantic than sexual, specially comparing it to the fact that my ex was excited to touch me and try sexual things but that wasn’t even on my mind at the time, even though we had discussed it beforehand. They did touch parts of my body like my chest and so on and I touched theirs, but I felt nothing more than a lot of love for them, it didn’t turn me on nor anything, nor would I have thought to do that if they hadn’t mentioned it. The thing is, when we were apart, we would roleplay while texting and that would turn me on, imagining us and such, the photos would also not do much if not paired with some roleplay or imagining.

It’s somewhat like this to this day, I mean, we’re not together anymore and I’m single at the moment, but I can imagine myself doing sexual things with people I don’t know personally. There are two things to be said in regards to this though. One is that, for me to enjoy imagining things like this with someone I’m not close with, I do imagine us being close, sometimes dating, sometimes friends, but always close, having some sort of emotional connection, it’s never like we met at a bar and went home together. Sometimes I even need to take some time to imagine how the friendly or romantic interactions would be, imagine us talking, laughing, being close, having heart-to-hearts and so on before I can enjoy imagining doing anything sexual with them. The second thing is, even if I go through all this process of imagining and being close in my mind, I know very well that if they appeared in front of me right now and made a move on me, I would say no, because I wouldn’t feel anything.

I can get turned on by watching media, reading books and such and I can find someone sexy, specially when it comes to people performing, like dancing and all, but again, if they were to make a move on me and we weren’t close, I wouldn’t feel anything, at least not considering the experiences I had up until now. I don’t even know if I would feel something if I was close to them to be honest… I think I could, but we can imagine things but end up feeling completely different when we are actually in that situation.

Another thing that might be TMI but I saw someone mentioning it and thought it was interesting, when I do imagine sexual things, I imagine myself with someone, yes, but my default is imagining myself watching myself and the person in third person. I can imagine myself doing things in first person but it’s not my go-to and usually only feels ok if I’m already really turned on.

I’m not sex-averse at all, I wanna do it but every time I tried I just couldn’t, because I felt nothing.

I have no sexual trauma at all and all the people that have made moves on me have been nothing but sweet.

So, I don’t know if the thoughts and finding things like certain moves or moaning sexy mean that I’m allosexual but just have a weird relationship with sex itself or if I’m asexual or demisexual or graysexual and I just imagine things because, as I said before, you can imagine yourself doing things or feeling things even if that’s not what would happen outside of your thoughts, you know?

Can someone help me?

And if you read through all of this, thank you so much! This means a lot to me.

I experience sexual attraction is a combination of emotional and aesthetic or physical attraction. If even one of these lost, the sense of sexual attraction disappears. It does not always lead to sexual desire.

Sexual desire; the result of emotional, sensual and aesthetic attraction. Motivation of sexual feelings into action. General libido. 'Needing someone'

Emotional attraction; feeling emotionally, romantically close to someone. if I feel this towards someone for whom I feel sexual attraction, it is love; if I feel it towards someone for whom I do not feel sexual attraction, it is friendship.

Sensual attraction; Finding someone attractive through the senses. A general desire for physical interaction.

Aesthetic attraction; appreciating the appearance of someone or something. It does not have to be sexual.

The main difference between desire and attraction is that desire is action orientated, whereas attraction is just a 'feeling'. Could also say that attraction is a potential desire.

(I used chat gpt)

Hi guys, Im 30(f) and having bit of a hard time of it. Im thinkingni may be ace or greyace(?) But i need a little help. So ive had significant sexual trauma in my past, coupled with lots of having intimacy when its deemed the 'right thing' to do, to keep my partners from feeling rejected or unloved but after the inital attraction wears off, i find myself completely disinterested in sex. Ive had alot of sex where im not really 'there'and either the other person hasnt really cared or noticed. I dont really enjoy it at all, i watch porn and masturbate but more because im bored or want to sleep rather than an urgee of desire. Ive mainly been in straight relationships, and there have been points where I think im gay but Ive also never really experienced sexual attraction or a crush on a real life gal i know. But i also think i could be having some sort of internalised homophobia. I dont get crushes really, i desire validation and adoration when im single but i dont really register that i am infact not into that person and just want to feel wanted. Sex just doesnt interest me, i dont think about it and when it does happen i mostly feel completely disconnected from the person. After its over, i want to get cleaned up and outta there asap. My relationship also isnt great right now and im not finding any desire for my partner. Theres essentially alot to unpick here but i was wondering if any of you have any advice? How did you know you were ace? Sorry if this is alot of dumping , im kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place and not sure which way is up.

Thanks for any advice 🙏

I'm interest boys. And I think Im attracted to them. But I have a strong kink/fetish. So That's why I'm not as interested in sexuality as ordinary people. Or my sexual desires work differently.

I can define sexual attraction in the simplest way: you may not like all food, but when you Just look at it, some of makes you hungry even if you are not hungry. You feel a desire to eat it. I feel that feeling for boys.

Then Some food, even if they look aesthetically pleasing, you don't want to eat them. You may want to taste it, but that's not matter. If you are really hungry, maybe you can just fill your stomach with this. But that will not pleasured you emotionally. I feel like this for girls.

When I see someone (boys) , I can immediately tell if they are attractive or not and I can see them as a potential partner.

I'm a little confused.

(Btw English is not my native language, I use translater.)

okay hello, i’m going to tag this as NSFW just in case haha, so i’m in a wlw relationship, i’m (f) 20 and my girlfriend is f (21), we have been together almost two years now. i don’t really know what i’m asking or writing so i’m just going to go with what my mind is spilling.

Me and my girlfriend used to have sex somewhat frequently within the first months of our relationship, she would even sometimes initiate it, but as the months went on she became very disinterested in sex and she would never initiate, at the time this bothered me as i presumed that maybe she just wasn’t as attracted to me anymore or saw me as just a friend, i went into a very deep pit of insecurity- however instead of letting that stew i communicated with her and we spoke about, the first few times we spoke about it she explained how she presumed it was her medication (she is on anti depressants) and having been on them myself i could understand that, but even when she went off them it just seemed that nothing was improving, after a few more times of talking she explained to me how she just felt that she didn’t really feel sexual very often at all, i decided to ask her questions as it seemed the best way to understand so i asked her: “do you like having sex, when we do it?” to which she said yes, i then asked her “are you comfortable with us having sex?” to which she explained that she is, she said sometimes she feels a bit awkward but she’s always been a bit of an awkward person so that isn’t weird to her- i then asked if she wanted to continue having sex and she said yes. We spoke briefly about asexuality but she decided that didn’t fit her as she does from time to time (not very often, atm it’s been almost 4 months) want to have sex and she enjoys it when it happens. So i did some research and ‘greysexual’ was a term that popped up a lot, i spoke to her about this and she seemed to think it was something that was very accurate to her, i’m very happy that we found this.

However i have some questions, and before i ask them i want to make it very clear that i love and support my girlfriend 100% and have no intent on breaking up with her over something as small as sex, but being someone who has the i suppose ‘average’ desire for sex i think some questions are important to ask, not only for the purpose of understanding her better but also for reassurance on my end.

• Will my relationship be functional if i have the average desire for sex and she wants it extremely infrequently? (i feel as though it can be as i’m happy to leave sex till it happens, i can look after myself haha)

• Is there any advice i could be spoken to about in order to better understand her?

• What are these feelings like for those of you on the ace spectrum who are having similar experiences to her?

So, I was kind of really high libido and interested in sex as a teen, but my sexual experiences at the time were brief and not always satisfactory, even though I liked the people I was with. And after my second teen relationship ended, I was single for almost a decade.

I did have crushes. As a matter of fact, I'm prone to limerence (basically that dreamy obsession over someone that is traditionally called "being in love"), so I had that. But no physical contact and no actual relationship. At first I was somewhat frustrated because I had all those expectations from sex and relationships that many have, like how beautiful it would be, but as time progressed, I got used to not having it, and soon started to understand that I don't even suffer from the lack sex or romance.

I still wanted a relationship though. Now I have it. I like the person I'm with, I'm attracted to them, but... I'm getting it now. I wanted an emotionally intimate connection that usually comes with romance. I still kinda don't want sex or romance that much. I don't mind having sex sometimes, but I could do without and be ok, and the expectation that I need to have it to stay in relationships is somewhat uncomfortable. I may sometimes have high-ish libido and want to mastutbate, but still not have sex, I'm not sure what it depends on.

If my relationship wasn't called romantic, and instead something like queerplatonic, it would even describe my feelings better. I highly suspect that if I would get into a relationship with any of my limerent objects, it would also come down to this as the feelings would get watered down with time. My limerence isn't all that romantic in nature after all, too.

Idk where to proceed from there. I kinda hope I will still want sex here and there because I like my relationship and my partner wants to have sex (they don't pressure me, but I know it's important to them). And I would like to practice polyamory (we agreed on this with my partner) because building intimate connections with multiple people without it being somehow restricted is my ideal. But I really wish it could be queerplatonic polyamory, you know? When sex is rather accidental than expected.

I'm still figuring it out, but now it makes more sense why I somehow related to the ace community despite not being asexual. Demisexual didn't quite fit too. But greysexual may very well fit in the end. Sigh...

Thanks for reading.

Marking this as NSFW and I guess with spoilers to be respectful of anyone sex repulsed. There’s not any talk of sex acts or anything but there’s talk of sex in general?

My husband (cis-M) and I (cis-F) have been married more than 20 years.

About a year ago he came out as grey, and then demi. Since then we’ve had a few conversations but I guess in my effort to understand, I made him uncomfortable and now I feel like he mostly just changes the subject or stonewalls me if I try to talk about it.

Overall we have a really good relationship, and I can tell on a certain level that I think he’s trying to improve the sex aspect. Right now it’s been about 6 weeks since we were last sexually intimate, and I admit, I’m climbing the walls! I don’t want to come across as pressuring him though, so I’m trying to let him come to me.

Here is where my confusion enters in: he tells me he thinks he’s probably demi in that there has to be a connection for him to feel attraction, but also he has very little drive.

The thing is though he’s ALWAYS making comments! Like he’s always teasing me that he’s going to get rid of all my clothes so that I have to go naked, he wolf whistles at me whenever I’m just coming out of the shower or changing outfits, he TELLS me I’m sexy or beautiful, and he regularly gropes my butt or pinches it playfully. (I used to do a lot of these things too but I’ve mostly stopped because I’m just trying to dampen down my desire/response. He doesn’t seem to have noticed.)

To me these are very sexual or sexually charged things. To me these things indicate desire or attraction. But he routinely turns me down or puts me off if I suggest sex.

I’m super confused!! I love him more than anything, and part of me also loves his playfulness, but I’m also very confused! I feel like there’s this strange juxtaposition between a lot of what he does, and what he says that I can’t decipher.

I tried asking him about it once and all he would say is “It’s just different.” I feel like I tried to express how confusing this is, but it seemed that he simply got sulky and said “Fine then! I won’t tell you you’re sexy!”

Obviously every woman wants to know their husband finds them sexy or attractive, but I have to admit that his behavior hurts a little and leaves me feeling even more rejected.

Can anyone explain to me the difference, in I guess finding your spouse incredibly sexy, insanely attractive, and supposedly wanting to see them naked a lot, but then shutting them down when it comes to that translating into sexy times?

Does anyone have any resources for being Gray Ace and dating. I’m a kinky gay cis male in my 50’s and I’m into a wide variety of kinks. But the hookup sites are mostly about just sex, I’ve had no luck on Recon, and Fetlife is mostly straight. If anyone has any resources or recommendations I’d love to hear them. Thanks.

I try to stay away from microlabels because I don’t think they’re practical, but sometimes it’s interesting/fun to explore whether people have had similar experiences to yours (and they have, of course they always have). In this vein, I was wondering if anyone here was familiar with the term aceflux. It’s a term I’ve been thinking a lot lately because I feel it accurately describes my relationship with sexual attraction. Right now I’m really experiencing, well, a flux in my aceness, lol. It’s so intense and prolonged it’s made me question my asexuality entirely.

Has anyone experienced this? A sudden prolonged experience of sexual attraction after years of an asexual experience? Or is this just libido and i’m overthinking it?

Hi, being recently diagnosed as audhd, I figured out my attraction to people was different :demi/grey.

For most of my teens and early adult years I was able to feed my(quite high) libido by using, limerence, contexts and triggers my grey side was sensible to, leading to a satisfactory sexual and social life. But by being burnt out often and my disorders becoming more apparent, I became more isolated each day until I met someone. I've been with this person on and off for the last three years and was only atracted to her and my demi side became obvious at this point, not feeling any attraction outside of the relationship.

This romantic and sexual relationship is now over and we'd like to stay friends, but I don't know how to dissociate that from my romantic and sexual attraction to her.

Any idea how to find people, places, or fiction that could help me, catering to those rare triggers of mine?

I am scared to loose my sexual life which has been quite diminished already being in a long distance relationship, and I feel like I can't get back to the grey side of my attraction while feeling this close to this person. Any advice?

Already asked the demisexual sub and I'm curious about your opinion.

(Not reall

So, I've been thinking about whether or not I was ace for a good... maybe 5 or so years now? I'm still relatively young and a while ago I decided I was probably grey-ace but that I didn't think I'd be sure until I actually had sex.

I fit with a decent amount of the general stuff people list, I never had much interest in sex as a concept (although it might just me filing it away in my mind as a "private" topic and being embarrassed about making my personal thoughts on the matter "public"), I considered that I'd be perfectly fine if I had an ace girlfriend or never actually had sex. I just didn't particularly care whether or not it actually happened.

However, I recently got a girlfriend and that has allowed me to discover a bit more about my thoughts on how I experience attraction, but I can't really find anything on my specific experience. I've noticed that when things tend to lean more intimate physically, while I do feel attraction, there's a disconnect between that attraction and desiring my own physical satisfaction. My mind focuses on my partner's satisfaction, and by the end of the exchange, whether or not anything happened to me doesn't matter. I essentially become a non-factor in my own mind.

I've asked a few friends about this and a few of them said they related. Two of those people also identify as Grey-Ace but it wasn't really their main reasoning. One straight friend didn't relate at all and one allo friend also said she related but when I asked for details later said that her view on her sexuality is kind of complicated.

Overall, what do you guys think? I think that this counts but not being able to find anything on this kind of experience makes me think that maybe I'm making it into something it's not. I get that it's okay to be unsure and labels aren't technically necessary, but I'd like to have one if I can.

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So i’m graysexual and my partner is hypersexual, we haven’t had sex in like a week because i haven’t been sexual at all and i’m scared that gonna ruin our relationship and i really don’t know what to do.

We talked about it (our sexual differences) but today they seemed down and when i asked them what’s wrong she said she’s horny, i don’t want in the future for her not being able to enjoy time with me because she’s horny and frustrated and m i’m not feeling sexual. For example we’re going on a short vacation, we’re staying in a bnb and she’s excited for the sex (she told me that’s not the only thing she’s excited about) but what if then i’m still not sexual and i can’t please them? (also my partner use both she and they pronouns) I’m scared that we won’t have a good time because of that. What if her energy is off because of that?

Apparently around 8% of all dreams involve some type of sexual activity and 20% contain something erotic. Here is a similar poll from r/asexuality: https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/qpvuwz/do_you_have_sexual_dreams

This topic helped me personally to confirm that I am on the asexual spectrum.

View Poll

So I’ve thought I was Greysexual on and off for the past 3-4ish years but then I went on testosterone which made me skyrocket. But I had to go off of it, and also lots of sexual trauma happened in the past 2 years. So I don’t know if maybe I’m Graysexual or I’m just traumatized?? Or maybe it’s because I don’t see myself in the right body..??? (Me be being a trans man and all). I mean my sex drive was never high until testosterone but it’s testosterone and after about a year my sex drive dipped again but at the same time I had lots of shit going on?? I don’t know and I guess I wish I had more of an understanding. I don’t mind having sex at times but then most of the time after I feel really sick even if I enjoyed myself.

Hello everyone! I’m new to this subreddit, but I’m here because I have been struggling with my sexuality lately (as the title says).

For the longest time, I identified as biromantic demisexual. I thought that my sexual attraction towards someone sparked after I formed a close bond with my significant others. However, I also noticed that my sexual attraction towards partners starts to fade away after the first year of the relationship.

I have been married to my wife for almost 2 years and we’ve been together for 5 years now. She has been my longest relationship. My wife also identifies as biromantic demisexual. But her experience has been the complete opposite of mine, where she has developed a stronger sexual attraction after years of being together (fitting more the demisexual description), while mine faded away.

The struggle started last week when we were having a conversation about people cheating on their significant others, and she said something like: “I’m just glad that I married you because I know for sure you would never cheat on me. I mean, you still get weird when it comes to our ‘intimacy’ in bed, so I know for a fact that physically you could never cheat on me.” And she’s totally right… but my ADHD brain decided to hyper-fixate and overthink what she said. So I started to look for reasons why I don’t feel the need to have sex and what of physical/sexual attraction means to me.

Many things have come out as I started writing down my thoughts on the topic, and one thing that I can’t wrap my head around is people getting turned on just by seeing someone else’s body. Like people who get turned on by celebrities. I can for sure tell when someone is good looking, but I’m not instantly wanting to sleep with them or thinking: “omg, they’re so hot!!!” And then it came to mind that I have NEVER found any of my partners/love interests hot (including my wife), and I feel like such an a-hole for saying that.

Every time I’ve gotten into a relationship it’s because I think they’re cute, and I like their personality, their company, and the way they think… I’m a hopeless romantic and I when I fall for someone, I fall head over heels for them. I love the whole holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. That’s all I need in life from a partner lol.

And don’t get me wrong, I love my wife. I love spending time with her, I love her cuddles, I love our talks, and I love how healthy our relationship is! But when it comes to sexual attraction… it’s just not there most of the time. Some times, yeah, there are glimpses of it, but it’s very rare that I’m in “the mood.”

Like I mentioned, the first year in any of my relationships, yeah, I’ve been all in about sex! But little by little, that sexual attraction goes away. And don’t even get me started about how the little sex drive I some times have also has been reduced with the ADHD meds!

I feel bad because, my previous partners, and obviously my wife have felt like I don’t like them or that they bore me… but the truth is… I have never found them sexually attractive.

I just feel like there is something wrong with me… I feel like I’m always stuck in the middle having ADHD, being nonbinary, biromantic, and now realizing that I might be greysexual… 😅

Anyways. Thank you for reading my story and the recent thoughts I’ve come across this past week! Any input and/or advice is very appreciated!

It makes me feel dirty and disgusting and repulsed. As does literotica. & I don’t have sexual fantasies. I think it’s just a habit but I’ve been doing it for about ten or so years. I’m a Christian so maybe I should be praying instead ?

Not positivity.

I'm in that constant limbo of questioning just how far towards the asexual and allosexual ends of the spectrum I actually land.

When I think someone's attractive I'm suddenly reminded minutes later by reddit or whatever that actually I'm far more asexual than I might realize.

But in the same sense, I'm just not "asexual enough".

I guess I kind of hate my sexuality in many ways. I'm too "maybe" for a completely sexless relationship with another asexual, but I'm also too "yeah actually no" for a sexual relationship with an allosexual. I just want to be more one end of the spectrum than the other. I actually don't care which end, but I hate being stuck in this middle. I'm too much yet not enough at the same time. I want to have a better relationship with my bf. I want to be loved. I want to feel comfortable with myself and I want to fulfill the needs I don't even understand or am afraid of. Being graysexual to me feels like I'm completely stuck and just not good enough for anybody, not even myself. I want to not feel this way, but it's hard when people around you for the most part just want sex or they don't. I don't even know what I want myself. I'm living an unfulfilled existence.

So for a few years I've realized I'm Asexual (specifically Aegosexual), but recently I decided to change my label to Greysexual since I also felt like I occasionally veered off into being Bellussexual sometimes (similar to Aegosexual).

Anyways, in the past few days I started realizing that I was okay with having sex with a specific person, in fact I started fantasizing about it and realized pretty quickly that I was experiencing sexual attraction - however I didn't really care about actually having sex with them (if I could I would, if not then fine). It is weird having these feelings after 20+ years of not experiencing them. But now I'm content in knowing that my experiences fit perfectly with Greysexuality, and I thought I'd share this here to see if anyone else has had similar experiences.

Just curious about this idea. I find limerence an interesting topic that is not mentioned a lot.

I’m a demi-cis female, married a bit more than 20 years to a grey/ace male.

Almost throughout the entirety of our marriage, sex has been our biggest conflict.

Being demi, I find I almost physically crave sex with him. Like literally no one else - just him. When I go a month or more without my “fix”, I start “jonesing” and get irritable and insecure.

And no matter how much he tries, it seems like he doesn’t “get” it.

We finally hit an agreement about a month ago to compromise by literally putting sex on the calendar once a month.

The first month went ok. I could kind of tell he was not Yay about it, but he DID seem to warm up the day of?

Month two is soon and it seems like he’s sort of looking for excuses to get out of it. Statements like “We will see.” and “We can talk about it closer to time.”

And I mean our relationship is honestly amazing other than this!!

So I just wish I could turn myself off! I wish there was some sort of switch to make myself not want this!

I know he’s not doing it to hurt me, and thank god, at least he’s not sex repulsed. He just simply has no real urge or drive for sex. It shouldn’t feel like rejection, but it does. And I can kind of feel it spilling into other areas of our relationship.

I know to him I seem like some kind of sex crazed maniac. I swear I’m not. I’m trying to settle for once a month, thinking how nice even twice a month would be.

It’s stupid, but it feels like some sort of cosmic punishment. I meet this amazing person whom I fall hopelessly in love with. By some insane miracle he loves me too. But oh there’s a catch. I don’t want sex with literally anyone else. No desire outside of him. He basically has no desire at all.

If i could just turn this part of me off… or even down to his level, things would be nearly perfect. (Nearly because absolute perfection is impossible)

So I’m trying. I’m working really hard to just shove down and push aside most of my sexual desire. Maybe it’s foolish. I just sort of feel like he’s never going to be able to meet me where I’m at. He’s just not wired that way. It’s not his fault.

But maybe I can try harder to meet him where he’s at.

Sorry for the ramble. I just kind of had to get it out.

basically just the title. I’ve seen so many adults in this sub that i feel like i’m just… idk not qualified to identify as gray? like i’m fifteen, never had sexual experiences, never even had my first kiss, but i feel like i’m gonna end up gray in the future if i refuse to identify with it currently, if that makes any sense at all 💀

I go for such long stretches between experiencing sexual attraction that I genuinely forget what it feels like.

And then, wham, hello, attraction, its been literal YEARS.

My body has a very clear idea of what it thinks is a good idea. My brain says, hang on, you don't know this person. Terrible idea. Knock it off.

Can anyone relate? Any advice? It feels like a temporary insanity.

Hi, I know I've commented on similar posts, and sorry to add to the sea of them lol. Been thinking I'm grey-ace for a while, given that kink seems to do for me what sex does for most. But after a recent discussion with a friend, I'm left wondering if I have any sexual attraction at all. Some kinks arouse me, and some only sometimes, but the very most it makes me want is touch. Doesn't matter if it's myself, someone else or a toy, though someone else can be hotter purely because the control isn't mine. I think I have a baseline of being sex neutral, but am stressed at the thought of sex after past experiences, I reguse to do at least most sex things with anyone now. I guess the differences between me and I guess my image of full on kinky ace is arousal response, and one fetish I can see a part of someone's body and wanna do things with it, but not sexually. The appeal is mental/emotional despite the massive libido spike

So yeah, guess it all comes down to what sexual attraction technically is lol

I don't really know if I am grey ace. I am a 43-year-old cishet woman and, a few months back, I was talking with my chosen sister and she informed me about her demisexuality. I started asking questions and then, thinking about my sexual history, things seemed to make a LOT of sense when I looked at my past through the lens of grey asexuality. The thing is, I don't know if it is right for me to claim that I am grey ace and I don't want to give myself a label just so that I can be labeled. I also have terrible issues with Impostor Syndrome and I don't want to take something on that is not mine to have, so I need to be as sure as possible, if that makes sense.

I explained how I feel and think about things to my husband and he agrees that he just does not know if I am, indeed, grey ace.

I feel like I need to know this, however, so that I can better know myself. I do know that I have almost never been sexually attracted to anyone throughout my entire life. I know that, barring some libidinous impulses throughout the years, I have never looked at men with sexual inclinations. Sure, I see an attractive guy and I think, "Wow, that guy is attractive." But I don't also think, "I'd like to get down with that guy." And now that I've had a hysterectomy/salpingo-oophorectomy, my hormones are extra out-of-whack and the thought of sex makes my stomach turn.

Input is greatly appreciated here. I just want to find as much of myself as possible and this is a good place to start!

I've been comfortably identifying at greysexual for several years now. It just works - it allows me that space to be fundamentally disinterested in sexual things with the occasional exception - already though, I've had enough brushes with things I think were attraction (as well as outright, short-lived attraction) to be more on the allo side of things.

More recently though, that drive has been amping up and it has me terrified I'm actually allo. Outright sexual fantasies with a made-up partner, perverted comments rooted in genuine interest, and the worst part is it doesn't even feel "wrong", just new. Sure it all comes bundled with romantic fantasies but this isn't familiar to me, and when it's so late in life too (age 30).

I'm a little suspicious that some new medication has something to do with it: hypersexuality is a potential side effect. Although I've seen "ace discourse" that if something like this happens, you were never a-spec to begin with. Meanwhile I saw a story of a demisexual woman who started camming after being on this same medication, same dose too. I genuinely doubt that will happen to me, but this whole experience did make me more interested in dating or otherwise finding a partner.

I've gone back and forth on what to call myself so many times and was so comfortable in the grey label that as pleasant as this experience is, I hate it at the same time.

I grew up in a religious family and it was pretty much instilled in me from a very young age that i was going to wait for marriage and i wasn’t allowed to date either (still did)

I crushed on many boys growing up and fantasized about them but i always knew there had to be a limit to how much i let myself think about them since i knew there was no point (since i wasn’t going to date them).

When i was 17, i fell in love with my ex and we wanted to eventually get married so i let myself date him. We were both waiting for marriage and so our relationship had strict limits but as our connection got deeper the sexual attraction got more intense and the more impatient we both got, yet i never really felt the urge to risk it at all and just do it. In my head id think i wouldn’t be able to resist but when it ever came down to it, my body showed signs of wanting it but mentally i was very closed off from it happening.

Long story short, that relationship didn’t work out and i got my heartbroken for a couple years. Since then ive sworn to never give my heart away to someone till i was sure they were absolutely right for me. So that relationship is the only one i have to refer to with respect to my self and sexuality. Now as im looking back i wonder if it was normal for me to be sexually attracted, sexually aroused yet also feeling like my guard was up and that anything further felt too foreign and less natural than being able to comfortably engage in foreplay. Even when i think about the future and my first time, i can envision myself doing all of it yet when it comes to actually having sex, there’s some sort of blockade i feel like it would take immense trust for me to do it. I just think sex is extremely vulnerable and for you to enjoy it you have to let all of your guard down completely so i don’t know if that feeling is normal for someone whose never done it before or maybe im alittle avoidant or maybe it’s some type of aversion to it?

I’m sorry if im not making sense it’s just very hard to describe because i never questioned it till now so id appreciate if someone out there who felt the same could help me out