I think I might be agender at least to some degree since I relate to a lot of agender concepts such as not really having an innate feeling of gender and recognizing that most people seem to but feel odd calling myself such since I don't really think it manifests in a major way in my actual life. Is it common/uncommon for people to consider themselves agender but still want to love their lives as if they were their agab since that's what they are accustomed to?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to ask this here because I feel like this is the right community. What is your concept of gender and gender identity? I’ve never quite understood it fully, and I struggle to understand the distinctions between man, woman, and non-binary identities. I don’t really understand what separates them.

For me, being a woman or a man isn't tied to what you do or how you look, so I wonder what is it? I know that many trans people experience dysphoria, so I imagine for a lot of people gender identity can be closely tied to appearance. Is that true for most people, or is it different for each person?

I don’t mean to come across as insensitive—I hope I’m expressing this thoughtfully. I don’t know if there’s a universal definition of gender, or if it’s something deeply subjective and personal. Do you just feel like a woman, man, or outside of the binary?

Personally, I’ve never felt like being seen or referred to as a woman was a problem, but I also never felt like a woman. I just never understood the concept of gender identity so to me being woman doesn't mean much. I just see myself as a body with a mix of experiences, emotions, and thoughts.

I’d love to hear how you define or experience gender and gender identity for yourself. (I hope I have used the right terms, correct me if I'm wrong)

Did first session. Apparently I am a freak of pain tolerance.

There was a sensation. I suspect around the lips won't be great when we get there. Tech was surprise how nonreactive my skin is. We'll see when they do my neck.

I also called the other woman back. The one who was sort of snooty about this place. I figure what's the harm of trying another an picking the one that seems better. This place wasn't horrible, with the exception of the location.

I dunno. I'll keep you posted. Weekly, for an hour for 6 months.

Worth it? Probably.

https://uofsc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6mNYjErHu0gexTg

Hello everyone! My name is Lizzy Combs (she/her/hers), and I am a doctoral student at the University of South Carolina College of Education in Columbia, South Carolina. I am recruiting for an LGBTQ and more health research survey that examines strengths-based factors such as coping strategies, individual resilience protective factors, and family resilience protective factors on members of the LGBTQ plus community, especially as it relates to substance use. I hope that the results of this study will inform counseling and other mental health treatment practices as well as treatment outcomes for LGBTQ plus individuals.

I am looking for participants who identify as being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, are over the age of 18, and live in the United States. Participants should also be able to understand and communicate in English.

To participate, you may select the link above and answer questions (mostly multiple choice and multiple answer, also a few short answers). This survey may take between 15-30 minutes to complete. You will not be asked any personally identifying information. There is no compensation for participation.

If you are interested in this study, please select the link above. If you know anyone who may want to participate, please share the link above with them. This study has been approved by the IRB and if you have any questions, please comment below this post or email me directly at combsel@email.sc.edu.

IRB approval letter is available to share. 

Thank you for your consideration!

Lizzy

Hi everyone !! I was wondering what name you'd give me ? I like gender neutral and masc names - nothing feminine though! Thank you and have a great day ☀️

I really like my name and I think it fits me, plus it’s what I’m used to, but I also really feel like a new name would be amazing. (I’ve been thinking Curan/Curie or something like that) I genuinely don’t know what to do about it because both my name and a new name feels equally right! If anyone has some insight/experience/advice about renaming themself, it would be greatly appreciated 💚

"I have identified as pansexual and demigirl for a while and it feels right, except then it doesn't. I don't feel a girl. I don't feel a boy. I don't feel nonbinary. I feel absolutely nothing."

The name i use currently doesnt sit well with most ppl i know and kinda clashes with my last name. I wanna name thats androgynous or masculine and idm uf it starts with an E like my gov name. My name currently is Void and idk if it suits me

As I've often stated in this sub, I basically never "adjusted" my looks to my agender identity: since I refuse gender as a concept I also don't see clothing or haircuts as men's or women's and so on.

Makeup, though, is complicated: I used to enjoy very elaborate, theatrical make-ups, but nowadays (3-4 years since my coming out) everytime I feel like I'm "disguising" as a woman. No help comes from nonbinary makeup "tutorials": they mainly aim at looking more "androgynous" correcting the face structure, which reads as even more "disguising" to me. I also wear glasses, and that cuts out the bolder, more abstract choices (like, idk, a streak of color at eye level) because it would smudge.

So yeah, I'm a bit sad. Anyone else in the same situation? Tips?

Regardless, y'all get a hug in these trying times

So I'm AMAB and 16, and for the longest time my perception of my own "maleness" has been different than "other" guys, which made me feel like I was my own special version of male (not in a "I'm so special" kindof way, just irregular male).

This also isn't my first time questioning my gender; I questioned if I was female last summer and ended up blocking the concept of gender out of my mind because the anxiety it caused was too strong. So now here I am. This time I've gone through therpay and learned how to deal with anxiety so now I can process my gender without anxiety.

Last week I started questioning again. The way it started was I saw someone with they/it in their bio and I was all, "that's so cool, I wish I wasn't male so I could be like that, non-binary/agender and all.

I also have always felt kinda sad, except for high energy happy things like when I preform or listen to a really happy song for the first time. And after amagining my life as agender it's been the most cathartic thing I've ever experienced, like, everything would be so much better, (I mean, not everything, genders a relitivly minor part of life compared to everything else, but I'd be a lot happier as just, a genderless form that everyone excepts as normal.

So here are my questions for yall:

1. Do you ever feel invalid because you get reminded by something that you're your agab? Like you look in a mirror, or you remeber your past self (for me bassically my whole life) and just feel wrong. Like, THAT PERSON WAS MALE SO YOU HAVE TO BE YOU FOOL!

2. How long did it take before the questioning ended and you moved on to taking action, or did the questioning and action happen at the same time?

3. How scary was it, were you ever scared of being agender so you hid behind your agab? I mean being malr is arguably very safe. That's how I feel rn...

4. Do you ever get really scared that you are your agab and then you freak out internally and just wallow in missery for an hour?

5. Is it possible to suppress these emotions? I think I've been doing that, my temporary compramise was demiboy, and like, that's better, but it's so male. Being a demi boy leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

6. Can you visuallise a neutral face When I look in the mirror it's just a face, and it feels so ill fitting. I don't even know what I want to be. I want to be human, I am human, but humans have gender. I'd rather be a amorphis genderless blob, or an octopus. I like octopie.

The next one is kinda weird so I'd advise not reading it if you are sex repulsed.

7. Do you ever like your body? Sometimes I think I'm sexy (I'm gay so I like men. Only sexually though, I'm also aromantic) and I worry that it means I'm not agender.

Sorry about the last one if I made anyone uncomfortable.

8. Did any of you constantly feel amazing and defeated when you realised.

9. Is it normal to look at yourself then think "YOU'RE ****ING CRAZY! YOU'RE NOT AGENDER YOU FOOL! GO DIE IN THE CRYPT!" Or to visualise yourself and think the same thing.

Umm, you can answer as many of these as you want, I'm just a sad individual who feels both infinitely valid and invalid who wants a "doctor's" opinion.

I wanna choose my body shape in every morning, and I think that's why I can't reach to gender euphoria? Bc I wanna change my customized body-my birth sex- whenever I want so I can fit into my numerous clothes. I love fashion and I have a lot of clothes, even very feminine or masculine things. (Honestly, I don't wanna call them as gender but "the society" calls them as gender things. I hate that concept. I wear those clothes bc they're beautiful) Like choosing a sim character? Someday, I wanna wear my clothes in a female body and other day I wanna wear those in a male body. Or in another day, I wanna wear those in an androgynous body. However, it doesn't mean I have a connection to a certain gender. I just wanna be seemed with a good looking, like a mannequin. I actually don't like gender things except clothes; I prefer it or them/they as pronouns and especially I just wanna be called as a "human being." it's weird but feels alright.

Also, it bothers me when I have sex with someone. The fact that I'm AFAB doesn't bother me to have enjoyment during sex, but sometimes I wanna fuck my partner with a male body. Is it normal I feel like that as an agender? Or am I a genderfluid but misgendered?

I realized I was agender a month ago (technically it's not a month until tomorrow but still) and I've been out to my friends for almost as long (my family doesn't know). But it feels like all of the agender stuff is on the inside, I've been acting androgynous for a while, even before I figured out I'm agender. I've never been easy to gender either and people have noted that I looked like the "opposite" gender for years. Whenever someone calls me a boy I correct them and I get a bit of a confused feeling in the everything when I can't correct them (because I don't want to come out to them.). People still use he/him pronouns on me and I really don't know how to feel about that (I think I'd prefer they/them tbh.).

All this to say, I feel like there's no difference between what I am now and what I was before, so what's the point?

Idk if this is something that you can even answer but thanks for stopping by, I love this community.

A bit of a rant

Sometimes the only way I can manage my preoccupation with my breast size is through restrictive eating habits. This is especially true on days when I don't feel like working out or eating healthy, which usually coincides with my PMS (or more accurately, PMDD). During these times, my breasts become larger and more painful, and I really really dislike how they look and feel

I've inherited my father's side of the family body type and skin color. I recall comments my mother made about my aunt's large breasts when I was younger. She said they looked like ¿bunnies? and that it was disgusting for her to go braless. Yeah, that did not help at all.

I know what I need to do to care for my body and achieve an aesthetic that aligns with my idea of gender neutrality. I just wish nature, society, trauma, etc., hadn't thrown me so off-course (the course here for me is that none of this truly matters, much like the concept of gender itself doesn't). I'm compassionate enough to understand that this is a big ask—there's a lot to work through and cope with.

Still, sometimes it's just really mehhhhh

I don't really care much about people subtly gendering me when it has something to do with my role in society or my body. Even though I identify as agender, that doesn't change that strangers perceive & treat me as a woman. so I technically belong to the group and I'm ok with that. it doesn't bother me or make me feel misgendered cuz they're just assuming based on my appearance and it has nothing to do with my identity. but my granma and aunt are the biggest gender stereotypes ambassadors & I was scolded for wearing black, pants, not being girly enough, and praised every time I dressed feminine. And today my granma was really anxious and upset, so I sat down with her and comforted, talked to her a little. And apparently aunt found out about it and went something like " OH SHE'S SO SOFT SO TENDER SO WOMANLY WOMAN BECOMING LITTLE WOMAN YES YES LIKE A REAL WOMAN SHOULD BE FINALLY GROWN UP...I TOLD YOU".. like.... Now I don't want to be nice to them anymore, no thanks. I don't know if I hate it so much simply because it's just SO fucked up & they've been doing it for as long as I could walk, or because I don't identify as woman. There's really no way to shut them up or educate them, cuz I tried a million times and it seems as they just consist of the most trash kind of gender stereotypes and have 0 respect for other's boundaries

I hope this isn't an uncalled-for post, as this is r/agender but I'll be talking about a topic that has its own subreddit r/Cassgender, but exploring an agender identity was necessary for me to end up at the cassgender identity and I wonder what other people here would think.

I've been getting closer and closer to a "label" that feels best suited to how I feel. I was a mindless cisgender by default until I made a nonbinary friend and thought "they're cool, I wish i was nonbinary" and had a couple trans coworkers, and some conversations with my brother who is ... something. So, I proceeded to delve into the realm of gender identities online and in real life. All along, trying so hard to find one that described how I felt, since I no longer was able to believe I was just a cisgender when there were so many other option, and I had always felt weird and different.

I was just about to give up and call it all a pseudoscience, a lousy attempt at putting words to a real psychologial phenomenon that we can't really describe. "Agender" wasn't fully doing it for me, just as much as any other group of people felt a little ... unrelatable. Like, why does anyone care so hard? Why are people so confused about what they may or may not be? That seemed to bother me more than my personal confusion. To find a place of belonging, I NEEDED to find people with the same questions and concerns as myself.

Then I found out about Cassgender, which is having a lack of care for whatever gender you may or may not be, and being totally fine with passing as cis if you must, but ultimately not caring. If you're interested, check it out for yourself.

And with that, I am done. After a year-and-a-half long unhealthy obsession about semantics, I have finally found a sense of belonging under a label that nearly-literally says "I don't care about labels". I love it. It's euphoric.

I still might look into what specific niche of nonbinary/genderqueer that I am. But it's nice to have a cassgender blanket to say "if I don't fully relate to this month's gender exploration, that's okay, it's not that serious."

Hey all, I don't care about what pronouns people use for me, but I work in diversity & inclusion and think it's important for me to publicly share my pronouns as modeling for others.

So far, I've stuck to saying she/her, but it always feels like a weird fit and a missed opportunity to signal queerness to others, especially because I work around a LOT of queer students and they're hurting for lack of representation.

However, when I meet others who use any/all pronouns, they often share that they specifically appreciate when people use mixed pronouns or primarily gender neutral pronouns. Meanwhile, I earnestly would like people to use whatever comes naturally to them-- I'm not invested enough in my pronouns to think it's worth their effort.

So all that said, has anybody found a shorthand for "I use any pronouns, no really, don't worry about my pronouns at all?"

Background: When I had initially reached out for top surgery, my gender clinic was so booked out that they weren't even adding people to their wait list. So in the meantime I focused on bottom surgery — which wasn't much of an issue for me since my bottom dysphoria was worse. I have completed all of the parts of my genital nullification that my insurance would cover and saved up enough to pay the rest out-of-pocket. I reached out again about top surgery to retry getting seen, or at least put on the wait list. Now they're saying I have to get re-evaluated for gender dysphoria and to make sure that I'm indeed living as my desired gender before they'll even send the proper referral for a consultation.

Vent: I'm discouraged by how challenging it's been for me to get seen for top surgery by this clinic. It's in their records that I've been on HRT and had bottom, so why do I have to restart the process before I can get a referral for top? Not really looking for answers, just others to share my frustration with.

I was so nervous I didn’t measure myself right haha. I know it isn’t necessarily logical but I was worried it wouldn’t fit. I have a GGG chest and didn’t think it was possible to get this flat but here we are!

Officially going by Arlo with my friends and gf now !!!!, still need to tell my parents though wich is nerve wracking

I'm looking to get a ring with the agender stripes on it, but not so obviously a pride flag that it'd out me to anybody who doesn't know what it means. Problem is, my size is US 13.5, and the largest I saw was a 13 after looking through several websites, and that one wasn't even the right flag.

So like, I've spent a lot of my life "Identifying as a guy i guess, but honestly I don't really care." People can use whatever pronouns they want on me and I won't give a shit. I just go with male usually cause it's the most convenient option, but I really don't care beyond that. Only a few days ago I found this view of my identity aligns with what agender is a pretty good amount. But it still feels wrong. And the reason it still wrong is cause, If I decide to identify as agender, that means I identity as something and identifying as any label feels weird to me (even if I am identifying as the label that states I don't identify as anything.) I don't care enough to have any identification at all, really. and identifying as agender still is an identification. So what does this imply I am? Am I still agender anyway, or am I something else?

Edit: Conversation has led to me realize I simply just "don't give a shit." Which I guess technically means I'm Gender Apathetic, but even then, I don't wish to actually label myself as gender apathetic, I just label my self as "not giving a shit." No specific gender identity will fit me no matter how technically accurate. I simply just, don't care. People can call me whatever the hell they want, and I won't care. Just don't make me call myself anything, then I'll be bothered.

Why does dysphoria show up in the weirdest ways , literally the way I walk gives me dysphoria and a few days ago I had this pink phone case around my phone and even that gave me dysphoria like what ? ,even the way I sit and act what has nothing to do with gender makes me feel like that

For a while I’ve thought I was transfer genderfluid. Sometimes feeling like a girl and sometimes not feeling gender at all. But I’ve noticed that I really only feel agender when I’m in a depressive or dissociative state. So the question is, am I agender or am I just so dissociated from any concept of self let alone gender? Does anyone relate to this?

Hi all, I am holding back tears as I write this. I use they/them pronouns but I went through most of the rainbow gender wise, trying to find what "fits". I felt so hopeless and lost for ages as nothing fits. Then I came across agender and instead of that "let's give this a try" feeling I usually got, as the title says, the feeling of coming home. I thought I was an odd one out that did not fit anywhere, rather relieved.

Hi all. I just found this subreddit today. For reference, I use she/they pronouns. "She" because it's what I'm used to, and "they" because it's kinda neutral? Ideally, my close friends/family would call me "she" and strangers/people in my professional life would call me "they." Because my sex, chromosomes, anatomy, etc shouldn't be relevant in my career. Having ovaries doesn't make me a better educator, lacking a penis doesn't make me a better seamstress, and having breasts doesn't determine my level of intelligence. But in my experience at my job, it'll be more trouble than it's worth (for me) to go through the process of trying to change my pronouns. (I know this because my nonbinary coworker friend tried this a few years back and people were kinda shitty about it.)

Agender is the closest label I can find for myself. To put it simply, I wish gender was something you can choose to "opt in" to instead of having to "opt out." Gender is like classes in Dungeons and Dragons. In the most simplistic version, you have barbarians and paladins. Someone could start as barbarian and stay that way and be happy. They might start barbarian and choose to switch to paladin. They might dual-class. They might go for a completely different class like bard or druid. They might multi-class in these "atypical" (for the sake of example) classes. They might keep switching classes for various reasons. They might be one class but choose abilities from another class but never identify with that other class.

I'm over here like "hey, y'all look like you're having fun, but is it cool if I just sit on the couch and read my book and NOT play?"

Now, when I tell people that metaphor, in regards to my gender (or lack thereof), they're usually all like "that's cool" or "wow, that's insightful!" and sometimes nonbinary people relate. I'm not a gatekeeper. If it resonates, it resonates.

Now, here's the thing - I've only (knowingly) ever met one other agender person before. And we're not entirely close - they're cool and all, but they live kinda far and we're both busy so we never really talk much.

It was only today that I realized how isolated I feel. But it's been building up. I've been researching local trans communities - hangouts, support groups, outings, etc. My wife has found multiple transfemme communities - each with their own interpersonal drama, but they exist, and she's made friends through them. I haven't found any others. Supposedly there's a nonbinary group, but there's no info on it. No agender groups, but I didn't expect any, which is why I looked for nonbinary groups. I figured they'd be close enough for what I need, maybe?

I do know nonbinary people in various friend groups, and they're great, but they all have different struggles and points of view. Most of them are transmasc - very different from me.

One of these friends brought up something in a vent today, and I could somewhat relate, but in a different direction - they feel isolated because they haven't done any medical transition yet, so they can't relate to the gender euphoria that people get when they start. They also have a hard time finding other nonbinary transmasc people, and a harder time befriending the ones they do find.

I feel isolated because I couldn't even think of the one agender person I know until my wife reminded me.

I feel isolated because I'm not entirely trans, but I'm definitely not cis. I'm not nonbinary, because that's "too much" gender for me. I still use the pronouns associated with my AGAB, and I have specific conditions for wanting to use they/them. My gender, or lack thereof, is heavily based on society and culture - if there was no misogyny, if people didn't assign so much importance to gender, I might be fine identifying as a woman.

I get dysphoria when I start growing a beard and mustache due to my PCOS. I hate wearing most pants due to sensory reasons, so I can't even dress androgynous.

I feel like I'm not welcome in trans spaces unless I slap on a nonbinary label. Even then, I feel like people would see me as just trying on a label so I can be in a similar space to my wife. And if I'm honest about the agender thing, I feel like people will say "that's just being a woman with extra steps" or, in a more positive light, "cis plus" or "a really good ally." They'll be okay with me being around, since I'm obviously safe for trans people, but I wouldn't be part of the group.

My wife hosted a get-together at our house the day after the US election. She wanted local transfemmes to have a space to relax and eat pizza and mourn a bit and discuss feelings and plans for safety, should it come down to that. Totally valid. But, and maybe this is me and my insecurity, when these locals came over, I think they felt uncomfortable being open in front of me. Because I'm not really trans.

Am I trans enough? Am I not-trans enough?

(In reality, if they were uncomfortable, it was probably because I was a stranger - the never-before-seen spouse of their friend.)

My feelings on all of this are complicated. And I only know one person who can relate to any of it. And I don't want to just info-dump about gender/lack of gender on them when they've got other shit going on, you know?

So, yeah. Uh. I'm CannaK, and I'm agender.