Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be normally happy with the perfect person? Why was I only happy when there were no labels? He doesn't deserve this. And I don't deserve him.

sorry if this sounds weird but im genuinely curious. im alloaro but not sure whether cupioromantic or bellusromantic applies more to me.

Hello everyone! I have been identifying with the term bellusromantic for some time now, but I have doubts and would like to clear them up if possible.

ATTENTION: English is not my first language, I am using Google Translate as support

Ok, so, I really like romantic actions, such as hugs, kisses (without tongue), naps together, dates, etc.

Also, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. I have been in one and it was very uncomfortable, not because of my girlfriend, we still love each other, but we understand that we love each other as friends. I don't want to get married, live together and things like that. But I really love affection, and I don't know about you, but my friends, at least in the country I live in, don't think this type of affection between friends is normal, so I think it would be nice to have a partner, not a romantic one, but an affectionate one, if that makes sense. Does anyone else feel this way?

I would also like to ask how you feel about romantic acts. For example, I feel my heart warm and I get goosebumps on my cheeks, these are good feelings. I thought a lot about whether this was romantic attraction, but I've never seen anyone describe it this way. In fact, I've never seen anyone describe these feelings for a person as a type of attraction, but that's how I feel. It's like an "affective attraction", I love feeling this way, but I don't know if I'm valid because of it :(

Please share your thoughts with me ^-^

this is my first interaction with this sub, and my first on reddit ever actually so im not quite sure what im doing.

I recently got out of a relationship that lasted around 9 months. It was pretty serious, it was openly romantic and i did love the guy ALOT. However, at the beginning of september i ended things with him. Im still not 100% on this but i started to feel uncomfortable with the fact that i was in a 'relationship' and me and him were 'dating' and how everyone saw us as a 'COUPLE'. I knew i loved him, and i still love him now really, and we're definately very close and i wouldnt do anything to ruin that. I think about dating him alot and it js makes me feel weird now, i enjoyed alot of romantic things with him and i think i still would if it wasnt in the context of a romantic relationship. I started to think about it deeper and i even developed a small crush on someone

In an amatonormative world where everyone believes (and expects) everyone to want and seek out a romantic relationship for themselves, I feel like it takes a lot of both self awareness and self acceptance to realize that one is not actually fond of a committed, traditional romantic relationship for oneself, but that one likes romantic things anyway.

I really like reading r/aromantic's pinned FAQ post because I get to listen to so many people's different experiences. Recently, someone left this comment where they went into detail about how they enjoy kissing in a primarily sensual context for emotional intimacy purposes, despite kissing being perceived as a romantic and/or sexual activity by society, more often than not. (And, highkey, that's most likely an assumption caused by amatonormativity. 😒).

Idk but I feel like bellusros don't get enough credit, you know? Being able to accept that one does like romantic things without wanting / needing them in a romantic relationship just feels...really empowering, especially with amatonormativity. I think it may be interesting to see more bellusros discover themselves and more arospec people finding themselves to be romance-ambivalent, or finding themselves to have mixed/changing feelings towards romance

Sorry if this question is repetitive, i just wanna know for sure. When it comes to me as a person i do sometimes think about having a "partner" and have gotten crushes. But i've never really wanted a romantic relationship because i find the flusterdness and romantic moments as uncomfortable. So it would more be like a queerplatonic fantasy where i make romantic gestures as a "normal thing" than a "romantic thing"

I enjoy and desire physical and emotional intimacy, and would even like to date people, but I do it out of platonic or queer/quasiplatonic love rather than romantic love.

I asked ab wanting friends to be flirty with on the queer platonic subreddit, and someone said I may be bellusromantic. It seems like the definition excludes romantic attraction entirely? I’m demisexual and do experience romantic attraction, I’m just not currently seeking a relationship and would like to flirt w queer friends w no intention of it going further. Is this bellusromantic? Bellusromantic…spec?? What is bellusplatonic? I saw a brief explanation in the description of this sub, but don’t understand and can’t find it on Google? Is there no exact word for wanting to flirt w queer friends?

r/bellusromantic officially has some mini pride flags now! Happy pride! All of the user flairs can be edited, so you can add / remove mini pride flags, rename a user flair, etc.

I know I’ve been a bit inactive in this community. I recently found a really good bellusro headcanon that I have been wanting to discuss in detail for a while. Another thing I want to take about more is the “playboy” trope, and how it feels inherently arospec; specifically bellusromantic. Liking romance but not liking dating in a committed, traditional romantic relationship? That’s giving such bellusro vibes to me, lol. Hopefully I can talk about both of these more in some future posts soon~

How is your pride month going? Have you done any bellusro pride stuff for yourself, or had the opportunity to experience any bellusro pride? I’m thinking of getting into some slightly romantic animes to give my bellusro heart some fictional romance to enjoy, lol 💜🤍💗

I’m watching this anime, and there is this “Pretty Boy” character with red hair. In the anime, he’s constantly called a “ladies man”, and seems to really enjoy doing romantic things like flirting heavily while being most happily single. And idk, I kinda relate to this in terms that I had similar experiences when I was younger. When I was younger, I really enjoyed being surrounded by a bunch of people doing funny, playful things to get my attention.

In the anime, because of amatonormativity, an extremely suggestive monogamous character does pop up, but this also seems unrealistic/ only done because of amatonormativity. Even in the show, the character who is giving me major bellusro vibes really can’t do the committed, traditional romantic relationship.

Ok, this stuff might be a little bit difficult to hear, but I do feel like I need to address it. I feel like this pretty boy is also really demonized, as someone who at least seems sex-favorable / I feel like there is a good chance they could experience sexual attraction / be allosexual.

I kinda see aroallos (especially aroallo men) talk about being worried about being demonized/ being told they are “objectifying women” for experiencing sexual attraction and no romantic attraction. (I think this is society being arophobic and unaccepting of aromantic people, including aroallo men).

In the anime, the pretty boy character is not just called a “ladies man”, but he is also called other terms with negative connotation like “playboy” and “womanizer”. Honestly, I would not be surprised if this character was also lithro and could experience romantic attraction, and has what I perceive to be “back up crushes” but just “doesn’t do” romantic relationships.

Idk, I do think the world is highly uneducated on aroallo people, bellusro people, and lithro people, hence why people see other people / characters giving these vibes, they are so quick to demonize behavior they don’t understand. :/

Another reason for this thought is because one of my friends told me they have been finding a ton of “lithro memes” (but they just have lithro vibes and aren’t labeled / tagged / understood as lithro memes) and that helped me realize that yes, I do think it’s common to be lithro, and I just think there’s a severe lack of acceptance for lithromanticsm. And also, I do think it's common to be bellusro. What if the "playboy" character trope is really just a bunch of undiscovered bellusros? Imagine how much relief those people who had been demonized by society [for directly challenging amatonormativity by not entering a romo relationship] would feel to find a label that fits!

I'm so glad I had this realization. I know it's depressing how often aromantic / arospec people are demonized (aros are portrayed as villians, some people "attempt" to shame aroallos by calling them sluts, and now I'm seeing a character giving major bellusro vibes being called a playboy…).

Idk. I don't really trust society's judgement, since society is interently amatonormative and inherently arophobic.

Hey everyone I’m new here. I’m wondering if I’m this orientation.. for context I guess I could say I’ve had a girlfriend but she was long distance as in we’ve never met and the relationship only lasted a few days.

But in the first few days so the start of the relationship I wanted to do traditionally romantic things but the problem is would I still wanna do romantic things if I’d actually met my ex girlfriend in real life? At this point I’m lost because other aromantics have told me I could desire to do romantic things but not actually love my ex girlfriend?

If this isn’t the right sub I’m really sorry to bother y’all and I’d appreciate if someone could point me in the right direction if there is one.

So, I'm questioning whether I'm bellusromantic, and I have this friend who I love so much (platonically) but I like really really want to kiss her but I tried writing out that I liked her and I was like "ummm absolutely not ew gross never ever" and it like physically made me feel gross. Also I've never kissed someone before so idk if it's just the kind of thing where I like the idea but not actually thinking about it?? but when I'm around her I am like "yes I would love to kiss her" so I don't think it's that. Anyway, yeah, does that count as bellusromantic?

Ok so in my understanding, harem is when multiple anime characters of the same / a similar gender are all interested in the same individual. I think Harem sometimes refers to a bunch of feminine presenting characters all interested in a masculine presenting character, and “reverse harem” refers to a bunch of masculine presenting characters interested in a feminine presenting character, but there could also be other names for that too. The magic word seems to consistently be harem, tho.

Back to my feelings, I just find like, ✨comfort✨, in seeing a bunch of characters all interested in a single character. Not in an egotistical way, and not necessarily in a purely polyamorous way either, but in a bellusromantic vibes / bellusromantic appreciation way.

I really like how “harems” are a socially accepted, and even loved anime genre. I really like how the main character isn’t accused of “leading people on”, and the amatonormative pressure to “choose one” doesn’t seem as obvious in harem-specific animes. Also, as a bellusro fellow myself, I really like the aesthetic of harems. I really like how multiple people could want to do silly, cute, funny romantic things with me, without having the immediate threat pressure of a romantic relationship.

Also, as a disabled person, I am not really fond of the idea of meeting all of someone else’s [social] needs. I think I also love the idea of a fun, loving support system, but this may be unrealistic or an unhealthy mindset, possibly.

When I was younger, before I appreciated/accepted my current solitude, I was really into the fantasy of having 8 or so masculine-presenting roommates. (Again, this was back before I knew what living alone felt like, and had always “lived with someone”). I really like how, with so many people I was connected to, not being in a committed, traditional romantic relationship with any of them would be a valid option. Honestly, I feel like it would be stressful and boring to have a single romantic partner glued to my side all the time. I can’t handle all that romantic attention from the same person. 🫠

This is something I usually don’t like to share, for the sake of protecting my privacy & when it comes to my Agender identity, but I want to share because I think it’s relevant. I’m an afab, feminine presenting person, and, I find myself tending to be romantically attracted to masculine presenting people, but I form friendships easier with feminine presenting people (used to at least). I used to be on a swim team. I was on one from first grade (6 years old) to freshman in college (18 years old). I had so much fun and flirtation on the swim team. I loved being able to flirt with and race the guys. And I feel like they loved it too. I was so happy in that kind of environment. I feel like being in a committed, traditional romantic relationship would have been more of a hindrance than anything.

I could probably keep writing but I don’t really want to dive too deep into my intersectionality as someone who is both lithro and bellusro. Maybe in the future but yeah not right now ☺️

User flairs have been updated!

We have a reputation to maintain

as being the arospec label with the prettiest pride flag! 😌. The user flairs for our community have been updated to help maintain our high standard of beauty. 💅

Another thing—I decided to not include "Aromantic" as an easy-to-pick user flair option. This decision was made on purpose or a "political decision", and it was (kind of) a decision made "out of spite".

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who feels this way, but I have perceived a culture of exclusion, willful-ignorance, invalidation, and ultimately discrimination against "microlabels" in the aro and ace communities. In a way, I also feel like this could be aros and aces acting on their internalized arospecphobia, however that's an entire discussion that may be too off-topic for a simple update post.

The point is, the lack of an aromantic user flair option was a deliberate, purposeful decision, due to the neglect and exclusion bellusros tend to receive in spaces designed for "umbrella terms", or labels with more awareness and acceptance than bellusromanticsm, such as the aromantic label. Aromantic allies who do not identify with the bellusro label are still allowed to add their label! And also, aromanticsm is not something that will be prioritized in our bellusromantic subreddit, especially because "microlabels" are discriminated against in aromantic spaces. (Bellusromantic is an example of an arospec label that lacks awareness and consequently gets frequently perceived to be a "microlabel".)

I believe I got a little bit off topic with the above tangent, however, back to the user flairs; related, romance-ambivalent arospec labels have been added as easy-to-pick user flair options, including: Arospec, Lithromantic, Aegoromantic, Quoiromantic, etc. As someone who has discovered they tend to be romance-ambivalent, I added user flair options for related arospec labels that I perceive to be romance-ambiavlent (more often than not) because I feel it's important for related arospec labels to feel safe and welcome in our subreddit, especially when spaces designed for "umbrella terms" (such as aromantic spaces) may not be that safe, accepting, or welcoming.

Regarding what I said in the beginning of this post, with the user flair options also being chosen "out of spite"—that was due to the currently existing outdated, exclusionary definitions of bellusromanticsm. To clarify:

1. A lot of the google-searchable definitions of bellusromanticsm explicitly state that one must not be able to experience romantic attraction. This kind of definition is exclusionary to people like me (who experience romantic attraction) and yet find the bellusro label comforting and validating. "Aro" being not being available as an easy-to-pick user flair option (while "Arospec" is available) was done "out of spite" to emphasize how those exclusionary definitions of bellusormanticsm are not accepted here. Anyone who is arospec is welcome to use our label; the bellusro label is not exclusive to people who don't experience romantic attraction.

2. I don't like the term "microlabel". I feel like it is "othering", "alienating", and literally just unnecessary. I think arospec and arospec label are much more humanizing, inclusive, and directly relevant labels that really need to be used more in the arospec community. I'm still working up the courage to talk about this publicly on reddit in the form of a post, so that's my brief opinion/perspective on it for now.

That ^ was kind of a lot for a simple update, lol. Feel free to select a user flair for yourself though, as well as change / add a color to your current user flair if you are unhappy with its flair background! 😋✨

To be clear, I am romantic-ambivalent, meaning my attitude towards romance changes over time. Lately, I’ve been finding myself romance-favorable? I’m noticing that when my boundaries on romance are respected (such the romantic affection [other people have] not being directed at me, and it being unreciprocated romantic attraction) I can really enjoy and appreciate romance.

Some things I’m not 100% sure on (but I feel could be true) is that I think I feel romance-indifferent towards reciprocated romantic attraction. I think I find it dull / uninteresting / or something that I struggle to get excited over (except when everything is in the gray area and people aren’t in an official romantic relationship). <—I love that, lol

Sometimes, I see myself in characters, and if there is romantic attraction in those instances (or if someone becomes romo attrac to the character I see myself as) I can become romo repulsed. I feel like it takes me a while to “get over” becoming romance repulsed, that’s why I kinda view my attitudes towards romance as “phases” that change over time.

To clarify, I’m someone with intersectionality btw being lithro and bellusro. My lithro identity has an impact on my boundaries on romance and the special, specific, rare circumstances where I can enjoy it. 😇

Hi, this is pretty much the first time i ever interacted with this subreddit.

To me: Hi, I'm a 19M anon from germany. I first found out that i am Bellus (or about somewhere near that on the spectrum) about 1,5 months ago and i just complicated my social life even more. Shortly before finding out i started using dating apps mainly to just socialice and get out of my Comfortzone a bit as well as maybe find someone to talk about my (already prettyfucked up) mental state with. But now i just feels like getting judged for it as i have less and less contact with new people.

My Real Question: Does anyone here have any Tipps, experiences or advice in General with online dating like this. Course tbh i am very close to just giving up fully in that Departement.

I feel like being in a romantic relationship would be “too much” for me in every way imaginable.

As someone who is able to experience romantic attraction, I feel like being in a full-on-romantic relationship with someone who was romantically attracted to me would feel suffocating. I feel very uncomfortable with the romantic “commitment”, the romantic “intimacy”, the romantic “closeness”, and other stereotypical, symbolic things involved in the classic, traditional romantic relationship. The idea of being “taken” by someone, or letting someone call someone else “mine” is not something I understand in a romantic context. It feels cringy to me (in a romantic context).

At the same time, I also no not vibe with the label “single”. I would rather call myself bellusromantic any day versus having to label myself as “single”, since the bellusro label already explains that I do not want a romantic relationship. Defining oneself as “single” I feel also implies one is “available”, and that is not the case for me, as someone who is not interested in a romantic relationship. I’m not even sure if I would be comfortable in a queerplatonic relationship where my boundaries were respected. Knowing someone is romantically attracted to me is enough to make me feel romance-repulsed and run away. I think the relationships that I feel most comfortable in are friendships.

By the way, hello to our new community members and new visitors 👋

I think I asked like multiple people too, and all of them said yes. We were in a van with more people we knew (I used to be on a swim team and we traveled in vans for training trips). I was in the front row (not the front seat). I think it was a van on the inside but its function was a bus that would drop us off at our houses? Idk I live in a really hilly area and once upon a time I saw a yellow van labeled “school bus” probably because actual school buses can’t drive here lol.

Anyways I was in the front row, sitting next to someone playing on their phone. I went “can I ask you a question” and they said no before I could finish (they were playing on their phone) and then I started to ask something else and they said no before I could finish, and then I think they finally let me ask, but by that time I didn’t want to ask if I could put my head on their shoulder, so I asked if I could put my arm in their arm, and their body language changed and they say yes. I knew we were sitting in the front row and everyone behind us could see us but I didn’t really care.

The dream was a little bit crazy but I think I ended up in the front row somehow again with not-the-same person, and I guess I was maybe a little stressed about something else, because I asked this person if I could lay my head on their shoulder, and they said yes. I guess I felt more comfortable with them because I remember slipping my arm through their arm as another way to hold them, even tho I didn’t really ask them.

It was a sweet dream and I hope I get more like that. I was also pretty sleep deprived (got only 6 hours yesterday) and I ended up getting like 9 hours and 40 min today. But yeah doing the intimate, sensual thing of getting sensually close to someone for comfort, without being in a romantic relationship just gave me bellusro vibes

I am not sure what I am but I am looking and and this kinda fit, this is my main question. I have ever dated anyone and the idea makes me a little freaked. But I still want to have someone I am close to, some one who can help me figure out what I want and like. I also really like the idea of cuddling and kissing. Is this something bellusromantics feel or want?

There are several definitions out there for bellusromantic, however these scattered definitions have varying levels of inclusivity and exclusivity. The bellusro definitions listed here have been mindfully put together in a way that is attentive to any exclusivity in the original versions, in addition to taking into account the lived experiences of an actual bellusromantic person.

Definitions~

• Enjoying the aesthetics of a romantic relationship, but not wanting a romantic relationship for oneself

• Interested in traditionally romantic things and enjoying or wanting these romantic things in a non-romantic context, and becoming uninterested or romance-repulsed if the romantic things start happening in a romantic context

• Enjoying “fluffy” gestures or romantic actions without wanting to be in a romantic relationship

Additional Information~

• The prefix “bella” comes from the Italian word meaning “pretty”. 🌷

• A common bellusro experience may include becoming uncomfortable or romance-repulsed in a committed, traditional romantic relationship.

If you fit any of these inclusive, modern definitions of bellusro, then that is a valid enough reason to use the bellusro label 💗

I really like how the bellusromantic label doesn’t necessarily specify whether or not one experiences romantic attraction. It just specifies that one has to be arospec, basically.

Some of the older, original definitions of labels like bellusromantic, r/cupioromantic, and r/apothiromantic were reserved only for aromantics, which felt exclusive of arospec people like myself who do experience romantic attraction. I actually didn’t even realize I could identify as bellusro (despite seriously vibing with the label) until I saw an inclusive definition of bellusro (and that was just this year).

I’ve personally felt apothiromantic for a significant amount of time, but the apothiromantic label doesn’t fit me currently, and it does not fit me as well as the bellusro label. I find that when my boundaries with romance are respected (such as not being in a romantic relationship, not being pressured to be in a romantic relationship, not watching something that happens to have excessive romance, etc), I don’t find myself hating romance or being romance repulsed. Romance (at least a little bit) can be really fun! I think having some romantic things in my life could be entertaining and make my life more interesting, but being in a romantic relationship would feel suffocating and maybe even painful or overwhelming (in a bad way).

Another thing is the flag! I can’t help but feel proud to be bellusro when I can wave around a flag as gorgeous as ours ☺️.

TW: lithrophobia.

One more thing—sometimes, when people find out I’m lithro, or when they “connect the dots”, both people who experience romantic attraction (usually alloromantics) and fellow lithros with internalized lithrophobia may say or do insensitive (probably lithrophobic) things like pity my arospec orientation, or view it as a tragedy that I can experience romantic attraction, but it fades upon reciprocation and (usually) ends up hurting both people. I guess I decided to share this because sometimes, the bellusro label kinda feels like “armor” in a way. By saying I’m bellusro, I’m sharing everything the other person needs to know. Not specifying that I can experience romantic attraction may help prevent someone from becoming romantically attracted to me, in addition to help prevent me from experiencing insensitive or harmful comments from an uneducated person.

I know that the bellusro label gets overlooked a lot and most people probably don’t understand it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s actually a very important label to me and I absolutely will advocate for it. 🌸🤍👻

According to this post, the previous mod, u/Mask3D_WOLF made the bellusromantic subreddit inaccessible for an indefinite period of time. The subreddit was made inaccessible because it was made private, and u/Mask3D_WOLF denied any community members from becoming approved users, so no community members were allowed to create posts in r/bellusromantic during this time. If anyone wants the dates, I think the subreddit was locked down starting on June 22 (my birthday, of all days), and then reopened on Nov 7th, after I originally redditrequested this subreddit and contacted u/Mask3D_WOLF about my Reddit request via modmail.

I’m not sure about the rest of the community, but my mental health worsened by not having a safe space to talk about my bellusromantic identity, or where I could be in a community with people who accepted me. Even though it was a bit of a hassle, I’m very glad I can attempt to start to healing process for this community, after being denied a space for so long.

#❤️‍🩹