Just came across this term. Have never had an explanation for myself. Late 40s woman, attracted only to women but after trying sex a few times decided I did not like it. I have major sensory issues with touch, can’t even stand kissing. Discovered I am perfectly happy to live alone, no desire for a partner and no desire for physical intimacy with another person. I have a rich inner fantasy life which could be classified as maladaptive daydreaming, with many characters who do not include myself. Some of these stories include scenes of intimacy. I have no desire to be part of these stories, or to imagine myself as part of these stories though. I am fine with the way things are and don’t necessarily need a name for it, but just wondering if it would correspond to this term.

I’ve always believed that people who can sexual attraction to people online-only would be welcome in the aegosexual community, because one time I saw someone here who identified as aegosexual describing that they experienced this. They said they were able to use “dating” apps, or something for seeking people, to roleplay/sext. They then said that if the other person started to talk about wanting to meet in person, the aegosexual would break it off.

Again, this ^ was a comment I read in this community, and it really helped me accept the aegosexual label for myself. I’ve also started seeing more people describing their experiences as being able to experience attraction to someone they know in their life online only, and not being able to experience this attraction in person. I’ve felt comfortable recommending the aego label to these people, because I assumed that their attraction being atypical from allos and their attraction taking place in the abstract environment of online only, were both aegosexual things.

However, I feel like I’m starting to notice a more conservative mindset, and unfortunately feel the need to bluntly ask the community on if these acespecs are still welcome in this space. I made a post a while ago about this unmoderated post being problematic, and now I’m seeing post like this one that seems to be the same mindset of enforcing current definitions + turning people away (which sounds like gatekeeping, “gentle”, polite, “friendly” or not). Especially with the US presidential results and other worldwide, publicly-supported conservative figures doing conservative things that are harming marginalized people, I need to check in with the community about this to see if this is still a safe space for this marginalized group of people that don’t perfectly “fit” the aegosexual definition word-for-word, but have found the aegosexual label a comfortable fit so far.

Another half irrelevant, half relevant thing I want to add is, I feel like this community has been steadily growing! We are at 17.5 people. If you count just asexuality and demisexuality, we are the 3rd largest non-duplicate “discussion” acespec subreddit. If you count asexuality, the ace meme sub, aromantic, asexual, demisexuality, aromanticasexual, and the aro meme sub, we are the 8th largest aspec subreddit! We are not a small, insignificant, tiny community. We are a large, active, and growing community with 17,483 aegosexual members (at the moment). I feel like, if anything, this is a sign that the aegosexual label should be updated to be more inclusive and welcoming (since we have more people/can listen to more people’s experiences), NOT become more strict with old, likely outdated definitions and be quick to turn away people who come here looking for community.

"Am I asexual" posts that are aligned with Aego experiences tend to get a lot of responses such as: "you might be Aego." Which is great, but it can easily become confusing when the label doesn't quite fit, and something like "miransexual" and "pseudosexual" might be more accurate. I suggest we start mentioning terms such as "Aego-adjacent" to describe similar orientations.

Hey all!

So, I’m definitely an aegosexual person. Can’t get horny with sex to save my life… but pretending to be a servant to a spoiled brat rich person/family over text? The shit can get me OFF! Lmao

Is anyone else like me or am I just weird? Haha

Not that long ago, I made a post saying I thought I was aego. I was happy to figure out myself. However, recently I found multiple sexualities I think I identify as. A lot of sexualities. I am unable to pick one, so I'm currently going to say I'm Abrosexual (an individual that has a fluid and/or rapidly changing sexuality that fluctuates between different sexualities). So yeah. Just wanted to thank you all for being welcoming. I might be back, if I go into a crisis again.

Not to say a relationship can't exist without sex.

But I imagine these relationships would have some interesting compromises. And I've always been interested in how others would navigate this kind of relationship?

What are they?

I am Gray/Demisexual, but I feel like I could also identify as this. I enjoy sexual ideas (but don’t view myself in those scenarios), but what makes me wonder if I still identify as Aego is the fact that someday maybe I would wish to participate in sexual activities with another person. Does it still count?

I'm a married woman in my 30s who has only just recently started using the aegosexual label. I didn't know it was a thing that other people experienced, and it's helped a bit to know I'm not alone, so thanks for that, folks. But my husband and I are really struggling. We've been in a relationship for almost 12 years now, and sex is the only area of our relationship we can't figure out.

I RARELY want sex. I mean, maybe two or three times a year. My husband, however, is allosexual with a very active sex drive. I am not the kind of person who easily says "yes" to things I don't want to do, so for a long time we've been in a pattern of no sex for weeks until he starts getting desperate, I turn him down several nights in a row, I force myself into the right headspace to go through with it, and then I say yes. Obviously, this isn't healthy for either of us. He's dealing with constant rejection and feeling unattractive, I'm dealing with feeling guilty and pressured. Each of us keeps trying to find ways to "fix it" but nothing is working.

My particular brand of sexuality is that I am extremely uncomfortable with intimacy and physical touch, but I enjoy thinking about sex between fictional characters, reading sexy manhwa, and writing romantic fanfiction. IF I have sex, I prefer it to be as detached as possible, with all the focus on "lust" and not "love" if that makes sense. I can get off during sex, it's not like he's bad at it or something, but honestly, I'd prefer to just fantasize about fake people, grab a vibrator, get it done, and move on to something more interesting. Sex just involves way too much time and touching.

But my husband loves intimacy and taking his time to touch everywhere and "connect" with me. I think he'd be relatively okay with just having the "lustful" sex and saving intimacy for cuddling and stuff (something I try to make myself do every now and then just so he can have that need met), but I don't think he really knows HOW to make sex as detached as I need it to be, and I don't have any idea how to tell him either. He's one of only two people I've ever slept with, and I don't know what to tell him to do or try to make this work.

Basically, I'm just hoping someone out there has some trick I haven't thought of for maintaining a sexual relationship as an aegosexual with an allosexual partner. I'm getting really desperate and feeling very frustrated with myself and with my partner.

I would really say that i am aegosexual, but there are things that are kinda weird to me. For example i can get aroused by someone, when she for example does dirty talk. So i get aroused(sexually), by her saying certain things, or even doing things. So for example i get aroused by chocking her, or controlling her(in a sexual way), but i still dont have sexual attraction, the situation turns me on? Or can i not use the label anymore?
For more information, i still cant imagine people in my scenarios and almost every aspect from aegosexuality fits with me, except that, i can also have fun with other people?

I have posted this on the master thread aswell.

I never realy believed i was part of the lgbt community. I'm straight and have never thought i could be anything else but i got curious and started doing research. at first i thought i might be demi but that didn't realy fit

after more research i found graysexual which seemed to fit but there were a lot of misses when describing myself. then i discovered Aego and it is the closest i've come so far but also some of the things don't apply.

- i can rather comfortably enjoy sexual content when i'm "in the mood" or have already been aroused by something but outside of that and immediately after i feel revolted and sick to my stomach

- i create and enjoy enacting fantasies sometimes, however, they always involve myself and never as an OC or anything of the sort. (EDIT:> now that i think about it its not actual me as i am but a more confident, less anxious and generally more social version of myself if that makes a differance)

- i have no desire to actually engage in any kind of sexual activity with anyone, ever and sometimes the thought of doing so does make me feel a bit queasy

all in all i definately think i sit somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

any and all assistance would be appreciated and if you have any other orientations you think would fit better i would love to look into them.

any other aegosexuals SUPER into fanfiction ? it’s part of the reason i figured out i was aegosexual lol

I've only very recently discovered that I'm Aego, and I feel like it's been an entire OBSTACLE COURSE trying to explain it to those around me. I literally told my closest friends that I'm an Eggo Waffle on a frying pan because I'm pan-aego 😭

So, I just want to know your experiences with coming out to others! Was it easy to explain for you? Did a funny conversation come out of it?

32M I usually enjoy watching porn, but I really don’t want to have sex. Of the few times I did have sex, (haven’t had it in nearly three years) I couldn’t come without detaching myself and think about a different video I saw. Also, I never really enjoyed it. It felt like I was doing leg day at the gym. To me, it didn’t really feel enjoyable, it felt… gross. The person I’m with at the time does look aesthetically attractive, but I can’t seem to finish.

Also, the last time I touched myself, I didn’t feel any attraction to the people in the videos, instead, I felt attracted to the storyline and whatever kinky thing was going on.

Any aegosexual couples? I've never been with another a aegosexual. What's it like? Does the relationship work very well? I'd be interested to know your experiences?

"Myself" is in quotes because I usually visualize an idealized version of me or project onto a character I like

I'm coming to a realization about how I like consuming pornagraphic content.

I enjoy it in 2 ways:

1. (Most Preferred) 3rd person or 2nd person fiction writing — centric on the sensations/feelings of both recieving and giving character
2. 2D drawn images — usually centric on the character I project onto, the recieving character, being sexualized/pleasured. Rather than focus on character I'm attracted to.

It's that second thing that's gotten some people asking "why?" for some reason. I don't really get why it's a question, but outside my online friend group circle, it seems to be treated as odd by some other people on the internet. At least in my experience.

Side tangent: I suspect it has to do with the fact that it was discussion outside of a queer space/context. Discussing what the male and female gaze were when it comes to drawn pornagraphy, and such. I definitely felt pretty "other" as a genderqueer and oriented ace-spec person.

I do enjoy it whenever I see some ♡oh hey~♡ sexy art of the characters I'm attracted to, but I'm not actively seeking it out.

When making NSFW art myself, I put focus on drawing "me" in these scenerios. The exception to this is POV art of the viewer/"me"/character I project onto looking at the other character. I prefer visualizing things happening to the "me" character.

In real life, I can't really say I've ever thought sexually (i.e. in a sexual scenerio) about another person that weren't scary intrusive thoughts that I hated either 😭 While I'm able to do it for a fictional character and enjoy it, it's not my default thought for getting off.

I think maybe I should stick to these discussions in specifically LGBTQIA+ spaces because if I don't, I think I will combust. Unless I'm still odd for this here, in which case, please tell me.

Disclaimer: I made the same post in r/asexuality but I really would like to hear from you since I think I identify as aego (still figuring it out).

I've come to the conclusion that I only want to have sex when I actually feel like it and am in the mood. Indeed, I struggle with this decision. For many people, this might sound obvious: of course, you should never have sex if you don't want to. And I'm sure some will comment on it that way. But maybe there are others who feel the same way I do.

I've regularly had sex with my partner and with my ex partners in the past. I see it as a form of intimacy. Through sex, you can feel very close to someone. But I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone. I can, however, get aroused, especially through fantasies but also through physical touch.

When my partner initiates something, I usually try to "get myself in the mood." That might sound awful to some, but it works. Sometimes we have really good sex. Other times, l just want it to be over. I've often had sex for my partner's sake. Sometimes I say no. But I don't want to reject him all the time because I know how frustrating that is for him. I've had the best sex of my life with him. Really amazing sex. But there have also been many times when I just went along with it.

I've now decided that I won't have sex anymore unless I can enjoy it. It feels really good to have made this decision. But at the same time, l've been rejecting my partner much more often since then. He's trying to be more mindful and not put pressure on me, so he hardly initiates anything anymore. But that's really hard for him because it makes him feel like he can't be himself or act spontaneously.

All this is probably why we'll end up breaking up.

I can understand why he's frustrated. Truly. And he's been very understanding toward me, and we've had some good conversations about it. He's really trying. But in the end, he's left with frustration and unmet needs. When he initiates something, and I realize again that I'm not in the right headspace to enjoy it, I find myself thinking: "Do I go through with it and have sex now or do I stick to just kissing and cuddling and make that clear to him?" Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about just going along with it (like before) even though I know I won't enjoy it this time.

I'm really struggling with my decision, especially because it might lead to us breaking up.

It would just be so much easier and better for both of us if I felt like having sex more often, got aroused more easily or experienced sexual attraction. I wish I were difterent.

Sometimes when I read comments it feels like people here on Reddit are so comfortable with being ace or making the decision I made.

How do you do this?

Where you think maybe some irl kink would be a good idea and start looking round web sites/ reddit. Meh

Part of my frustration with a lot of aegosexual circles/vibes is they tend to be VERY sex negative with IRL sex acts. So much humor is centered around this, so many posts are like "I drool at erotica (written, visual, audio) but you ask me to have sex with you? EW GROSS, GO AWAY".

I'm as neutral as you can be with doing physical sex acts (at least initiating it, lol). It's fun in the moment but outside of this, it's never on my mind. Yes, sex fantasies are fun in the moment, but again, outside of my body going "hey, time to clean out the pipes" it's literally almost never on my mind (I'm human so urges happen but outside of these hormonal instances 🤷🏽‍♀️).

so i’ve recently come to terms with my asexuality, after splitting with my ex boyfriend because of it.

i’ve been super confused about my asexuality because there were times i felt like i was sexually attracted to him or felt arousal doing certain things, i liked the idea of us being intimate. but in reality, it was never something i really acted on or initiated, i would rather not do anything sexual ever, it felt like a mental and physical block every time he asked me, i would always instinctively know that this is something i didn’t feel the desire/need to act on and i wasn’t comfortable with it. but, i enjoy thinking about that stuff and taking part in sensual activities.

just wondering if this is possibly related to aegosexuality? i’ve only just found this label :)

Like for the longest time I thought I couldn't be aroace because of just how gay I felt + my feelings for fictional characters and then both the aego label and alterous attraction— and then very recently, mirous attraction— just changed everything for me.

Calling myself grey-AroAcece by itself didn't feel right on my tongue, but I didn't like others on the AroAce spectrum either until I learned about the term "Aego."

And now I'm just here. Oriented Aego-AroAce. That's what it is.

I'm really glad I learned about this label under the ace umbrella. It's done a lot for helping me looking deeper into and understanding my orientation.

So yeah :)

Make sure to regularly check the November Am I Aego thread to help the people who post their queries there. The post exists so the community isn't swamped with Am I Aego posts~ Let's help our moderator🖤🩶🤍💜

I(21F) never thought I could be aegosexual because I seemed to confuse arousal with sexual attraction. Like, I’ve never had sexual fantasies, but I also never questioned being allosexual because I assumed I could feel “sexual attraction” toward men. For example, I’d have celebrity crushes, and when I saw them in sex scenes, I’d feel… hot? I’d have this brief moment of “Ooh, that looks good. I wish he’d do that to me.” So, I just assumed I was experiencing sexual attraction.

But once the scene was over, I wouldn’t think about it anymore. And when I really asked myself, “Do I actually want to have sex with them?” the answer was no. " So I guess what I feel for them is probably just intimacy attraction rather than sexual attraction? Cuddling and physical affection? Yes. Sex? No. I think that’s maybe also why I’ve never had a vivid “enjoyable” sexual dream. I’ve never had one that involved clear sexual acts. It’s more like I’m handed a script that says we “did it,” but I don’t actually experience it in the dream. Everything just feels super vague and delayed. Anyway this is just my personal experience and thoughts. If I’ve misunderstood anything, feel free to correct me—I’m still new to this concept and community.

And this might be a bit off-topic, but l've also noticed I experience split attraction toward different genders. For instance, I feel a strong emotional attraction to women, but very little (if any) to men. However, when it comes to intimacy attraction, it's the opposite—I feel it much more toward men. (not something I consciously choose) When I looked it up, I found out this kind of split is pretty common among aces?? I’m not sure if that’s true or if anyone else feels the same way, but if you relate to any of this, please share your thoughts!

im pretty sure im aegosexual, and everyone ive ever asked about it seems to be even more sure of that than i am., but something is bothering me. can you truly be aegosexual if youre open to doing sexual things, and have turn ons/fetishes/kinks?

for me, im not really into what you would typically call sex (the penetrative kind), and other types of sex (rubbing together, etc. just makes me feel... nothing at all, actually), but i am turned on by certain body parts or scenarios/roleplays that id love to touch/play out with people as long as it doesnt involve actually having sex. sometimes, i would be fine with pleasing someone as well. does this "disqualify" me from being aegosexual? or are there others with the same experience?

I've kind of asked about this on the asexual subreddit already and I think that was the wrong place to ask

i didn't realize that I related to a lot of aego experiences but I also think I'm attracted to fictional characters

I know that would be fictosexual but I'm kind of confused because I relate to things like imagining two characters doing it instead of imagining myself in any of those scenarios and it usually isn't interesting if I try to imagine myself character x reader fanfics have always been really uninteresting to me

I sometimes imagine myself AS the characters though

but at the same time I think i would do it with some characters despite them not being real but I'd rather not be the one receiving pleasure i notice myself focusing more on how the characters would react in those situations

I've realized that I focus more on the characters reactions because I've always liked robots and stuff like that I like when sexual scenarios don't have to do with down there

The thing I'm mostly confused about is that I feel like I feel arousal in a completely different way

people say when imagining things they get the urge to masturbate but I don't for some reason I know the feeling is some sort of arousal but it feels really different instead it's more of like a burning feeling and being turned on feels more softer the other doesn't

The feeling feels like brain is trying to imagine what the character feels like in that situation and it feels like my brain tries to imagine what being turned on would feel like and instead it gives me a completely different feeling

In the past i've tried to masturbate when I felt that feeling despite it not giving me the urge to and I didn't feel anything I started getting confused why I didn't feel anything when I did that even though the feeling I felt before was sexual

When i did get turned on by something once (not by anyone) i was extremely weirded out when I did because it did give me the urge to masturbate I started getting confused about what the other feeling was and why they both felt different

I'm still really confused I do think I might be aego or fictosexual but there are a lot of things that I also think are different from what I experience and idk if what I'm experiencing is normal

Asexual is not a new term to me, but I've never taken the time to understand the nuances or subsets because I thought it meant that you don't have any sort of desire or arousal at all.

Recently though, I went down the reddit rabbit hole and discovered the aegosexual community, and now I'm way overwhelmed (in both a good and bad way).

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because (after a year of our relationship) he was frustrated and wanted us to move forward sexually. I didn't. Not that I don't love the light romantic stuff like cuddling and kissing, and I read numerous smut books a week, but the thought of actually doing the deed with someone repulses me.

Theres so many different terms for things now that I dont know if aego actually fits me, but from all of the "am I aego" posts I've read, I feel like it fits me the most. I still have that desire and arousal, I like reading and watching smut, and I can fantasize, I just have no urge to do it myself with someone.

I'm overwhelmed in a good way because seeing so many people here makes me feel like I'm not crazy; but I'm overwhelmed in a not great way because there's no way for me to be CERTAIN and it freaks me the hell out.

I don't feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction. But I love watching porn and masturbate and I also love dreaming about myself in romantic scenarios. I always loved the concept of romance more than sex. Lately my desire for sex has grown. The night before sleeping I want to be touched. Since teenage I desired romance and romantic relationships unlike some aromantic folks who feels uncomfortable and disgusted by the mention of romance. Even though I want to have both sex and romance if I never had sex I will not mind it much and if I never had a romantic relationship it will be the regret of my life. I am not sad about not feeling sexual attraction but I am sad about not feeling romantic attraction.