made this cause I like this flag better. apothiaesthetic is when you're repulsed by aesthetic attraction in general or at least when it's towards you (personally im both)

So this isn't my question but it is something someone asked me that I would like some advice on

"Hi, I'm anattractional like you and I plan to cut all ties with everyone once I move out for uni (most attraction repulses me, especially familial and platonic, I'm just forcing myself to get through these last two years because I live with my family and I'd get bullied if I didn't have friends). But I'm so worried about the way our society is anattractionalphobic/asocialphobic, like you need someone close to you for so much stuff. What if I need surgery, or something happens to me and there's no emergency contact available so they just take me off life support immediately since "no one would miss me anyways"? How do I even find a place to live or a job if everyone is always trying to be friendly and they don't understand that I don't want to chit chat or be besties? The thought of having roommates scares me so much, what if they gang up on me if I don't want to hang out with them.. I've always heard that networking is extremely important to find a job, but I don't want to have to have a bunch of fake friends just so I have money. This whole system is so biased against me, I hate it. Do you have any ideas/tips for how to navigate life as an anattractional person who isn't one of those anattractionals who can still have relationships?"

Whenever, I say I'm Lonely or have some of trouble in any social situation people always just tell me to make friendships. It just annoys me cause I have tried but they never worked.

Like, I can't be friends in large groups, for me it's the same as being by myself. Even if I do make single friends Nothing much, it's always tiring for me to hang out and they always leave. Even if I put everything i got into being good friends it just ends one day out of nowhere with them leaving.

Look, I don't hate friendships, in fact I love fictional tropes such as My friends are my family and I won't mind living with a large group of friends. But it's always really exhausting for me to have proper friendships last, and now it's just annoying whenever someone says that if I'm lonely just make friends.

I don't really get it. I don't get what "attraction" means when people talk about it in a sexual-romantic term either, but especially not when it comes to friendships, which are, like, a mutual kind of thing, right? Or at least I assume. Like if you're not friends with someone... how do you know that you'd *like* to be friends with them? Is it like a prestige thing? When I do have friends I tend not to reach out much. I think I might be the aplatonic version of an ace person who has sex or whatever. I like the act of having a friend. I like the relationship, in a way. But I feel distant from the people themselves... I've drifted apart form almost every friendship I've had. I'm scared of the idea of drifting from people whose presence I enjoy, because I'm scared of change, but inevitably it always happens.

At the same time I'm also a kind of insecure, emotionally needy person. I like validation. I like being hugged, I like being told I'm doing well, I like affection. I feel like an emotional parasite. I've had two catastrophic "friendship breakups" over the years and I realized that I've never really *cared* about the person. Or perhaps cared *about* the person? I've realized that I have high cognitive and low emotional empathy. It's kind of weird. I don't miss friends when they're gone and I don't want to be friends with them again but if it ended badly I'm always looking for a sense of closure.

I don't really want to identify as aplatonic. But I feel like it's one of things things that you just *are* and not, like, one of those things you identify as, y'know? OK I'm probably rambling on a lot. Anyways. I just... wish I was conventionally normal, I guess? I wish that I meant it when I tell people that I really like them or that I care a lot for them. But I just feel like I'm using them. Then again, I'm a really repressed kind of person deep down, maybe.

I still don't understand if I feel love or not. Ever since discovering aplatonicism I thought to myself "you don't love anybody, you should stay away more form people so they don't rely on you too much". This was also the reason I had decided to stay away from romantic relationships. I, for the longest time, seeked out more friends and a lover. I love spending time with my friends but there is only a weak bond from me to them, if there is at all. However, this past week I decided to not let my "lack of love" change by behaviour and personality. So everyday I make the decision to show love and care about particular people in my life. To keep things sort, I just want to remind you that if you want to show love but you don't because you don't feel it, then show it anyway. You are already trying your hardest and that is enough for most people.

Naturally people don’t invest much into strangers. Not trust, love, support, care, time, energy, etc. I understand this, and Im okay with people valuing established and labeled relationships above relationships that have no label.

But its getting to the point where I realize I am always going to be a stranger. Friendship is a wall I have to scale to get people to just listen to me. I cannot communicate with people and have them listen unless Im their “friend.”

Its hard to reconcile with the fact that these people are going through life in perfectly “valid” ways, while also feeling the pain of an outsider that never receives respect, love, care, support, or communication.

I think platonormativity plays a big role in this. Im also asexual, but asexuality has helped me understand that you don’t need a labeled relationship or even sexual attraction to someone do to “sexual activities” with someone. I wish it was like this with friendship! I want to do the “platonic activities” without the platonic relationship or attraction. I dont think other people around me realize this is a possibility yet.

Tl;dr: please report or tag me about problematic content.

This morning, I deleted a post which contained what some may consider arophobic content.

Originally I let it slide and go cold because there didn't seem to be any conflict. The OP was rightfully challenged on their views but it stayed calm.

Today, a community member kindly messaged me raising concerns about arophobia in that post and previous posts in other groups by the OP.

I am a very inexperienced mod, I don't really know how the tools here work. And I confess that I can often be too considerate to open discussion which can blind me to the harm that certain arguments can cause.

You folks have made moderation really easy, there are very few conflicts here and for that I thank you.

If you feel that I have overlooked anything that does or could cause harm to others, please report it. If you don't want to use the report tools, just tag me and I'll get onto it ASAP.

You make the community, I just keep the lights on, and I want r/aplatonic to be a safe and welcoming space for all with a genuine interest in aplatonic issues.

Tw for suicidal ideation near the end

Ok, so, here's the run down: I'm Gay, Greyromantic, Greysexual, Aplatonic, and afamilial. I've fully accepted and embraced my aromanticism, asexuality, and gayness, and i wouldnt change anything about it. But, while I've accepted the fact that I'm aplatonic and afamilial... I just can't feel anything other but guilty for it.

Like, don't get me wrong, there are parts of me that enjoy being aplatonic and afamilial. I get so much more time to focus on the things I enjoy! But, there's this other side of me that is incredibly lonely and sad and just wishes I could feel the way others do. I'm so depressed because of everything going on in this world, and I know for a fact a hug would make it all feel so much better but... Every time someone hugs me, it feels so horribly meaningless.

Right now I'm supposed to be having an early thanksgiving dinner at my grandma's house. My entire family is supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be there too, but, I didn't go because I had really bad insomnia last night. I'm meant to be catching up on my sleep but, now I just feel guilty. I don't feel guilty because I want to be there, I feel guilty because I WISH I could want to be there. I WISH there was some part of me that truly loved and cared about her and the rest of my family, but, I don't.

I feel like Earth's greatest disappointment. I feel so lonely all the time, yet, Everytime I try to connect with someone, I just end up feeling more alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end it all because this feeling of loneliness and guilt just never stops. Sure, some things fill the void, but, it's all just distractions. My cat can't replace the joy of talking to someone and truly relating to one another. My partner, who's the only one I genuinely feel connected to, can't be around me 24/7. I can't create art all the time or else I become burnt out. Music becomes so exhausting and repetitive after a while. Video games become stale and tedious, and so many games (digital or real) rely on having a social group to play with.

I hate that I can't care about people the way they care about me. I hate that the idea of socializing feels almost repulsive, I hate that I feel like I'm lying to everyone who cares about me, by pretending they mean just as much to me as I do to them. I want to feel that excitement people get when a friend suggests to hang out, I want to feel warmth when someone hugs me, I want to talk to people about my favorite interests without being drained when the conversation shifts to something I don't really care about. I want to miss my friends when they're not around and daydream about all the things we could do in our next hangout. I just... I want to be "normal"

Hi,

I've stumbled across the term aplatonic recently and my initial reaction was "Well this is stupid, that's how everybody feels!" I then realised that was also my initial reaction to hearing about aroaces and then I suddendly had a million questions, like "Wait is platonic attraction even a thing?" "Aren't friends just the people you go to lunch with? "The ones you sit next to in class on the first day of school?" "The kids that you talk to once and then over and over again just because you allready did it once?" "What does being "friends" with someone even mean?"

So, I thought a lot about my "friends" and asked myself, if they all moved overseas right now and lost their phones and we'd be seperated for ever, would i mind? The answer to that is no, kinda. There's only this one girl that i'd kinda mind cuz we have a lot of the same opinions and she's pretty chill. I went on to realize that all "my friends" exept her and another couple people i hang out with sometimes aren't even "mine", like they're all friends of my parent's friend's kid, that i only have in common with, that we live on the same street. (sorry for that catastrophy of a sentence)

I thought "Well so I can't know for sure because I've never really met someone that likes the things that i like" which I then thought about even more. "If I formed a band with some cool people and one of them would want to leave, how would that affect me?" Well I'd be sad to lose for example the band drummer with amazing skills that also has a really cute dog or whatever and I'd be sad that we would never make amazing music together again. I would have to find a new drummer and they'd have different skills as the other, not better or worse just different.

I came to the conclusion, that I wouldn't really be sad to lose them, I'd be sad to lose the things that I think are cool about them. Like I'd be sad that I'd lose the things that come from them contributing to my life, not that they stopped contributing to it. (This is really hard to explain, I hope this makes sense to anyone)

But after all that questioning I still don't know if any of that makes me aplatonic, because I don't know if what i described are friendships or just aquaintances, because I don't really know what a "friend" is even supposed to be. Like are those meaningful bonds or not?

Anyways, if anyone read this far I'd like to know if you think I'm aplatonic or not or something else entirely. I'm kind of slowly going crazy over all of this, so anything is greatly appreciated, thx.

So, there are the established terms romance-negative and sex-negative. Romance and sex are both nouns. Does this mean the platonic version would be friend-negative? Friendship-negative? Idk, help

Edit: It looks like it would be either friendship-negative or plato-negative, based on this definition I found for friendship-repulsed. Friend is a human descriptor and friendship is a connection descriptor, so I think friendship complements romance and sex (wording wise) better than friend. Thank you for your help everyone!

whenever i help someone, like give them advice or be nice and they respond saying like. thank you or something, i suddenly want to cry. i don't know if this is related to being apl or not, but it's just sort of overwhelming to have even positive interactions with other people. i'm happy i got to help someone and make them feel better, but idk, it just gives me anxiety. and it's honestly worse with positive interactions than neutral or even negative.

i'm also probably autistic which could be the reason too

does anyone else experience this?

I don't understand how friendships or platonic feelings work nor have I ever had a very long lasting friendships, I've been trying to understand friendships for a long time but this just throws it out of the window.

Like how!? Why? Isn't sex supposed to a more than friendship thing? People have casual sex, Kisses, Cuddles with their friends and still call themselves friends or say they only have platonic feelings I'm just like aren't those things supposed to be specifically more than friendship. I'm confused.

I think being acknowledged over text or “feeling listened to” is important to me because I just dont enjoy friendship and attempts at it are exhausting. I try to sacrifice for other people and do the Normal Friendship Activities even if I hate those activities or they feel like a chore, in the hopes that maybe someone will one day give me a chance, but I never even feel like “myself” when Im trying to befriend people. Differences in communication ARE “valid” in the sense that people reserve the right to not respond, be vague or even lie to me if they feel like they need to. I dont always need direct communication, I dont always need to know someone’s intentions or thoughts. I just wonder how trust or any type of relationship is supposed to form without consistent communication. Im not even trying to be bitter, Im just confused. I hear a lot about how, if you arent someone’s friend, they dont owe you anything. But then how do people become friends, if they dont owe each other anything as two strangers, and if they dont give each other anything? Or if they rarely “give” to each other? I watch as an outsider, I see people “choose” other relationships over communicating/engaging with me (which is fine! everyone can do what they want!) and I just wonder why theyre more “deserving” than I am. ??What is it about them that makes them worthy? Is there something wrong with me? Do I just have Bad Luck?

Maybe its that I dont enjoy friendship, and so I have a lower tolerance for the pain/confusion that comes with different “communication styles”? Thats the only explanation I have access to that actually makes sense. Friendship just feels boring for me most of the time, and I’d imagine other people can put up with “hurt” or “pain” when they make attempts at friendship, but I dont feel any joy or happiness. So its just a consistent amount of hurt and pain- And a lot of silence from the other party. My tolerance for the pain and confusion is definitely getting lower and Im giving up quickly lately, so ofc I dont blame anyone else. I think I can only blame myself, for being aplatonic. I just wish I could’ve had one real friendship to prove I could do it. I cant, and it makes me feel like theres something deeply wrong with me.

I wonder if friendship is only “beautiful” because strangers are always cold to each other, so when a stranger “gives” to another stranger, its some kind of rare Miracle.

Hello, I'm not aplatonic but wanted to come in and say YOU ARE ALL VALID <3

If anyone would be willing to share about your experiences with being aplatonic feel free, I would love to learn more about it :)

Hi all! I am in my early 30s, black, AuDHD, and Aroace spec and I am sure I am aplspec, specifically grayplatonic. Navigating friendships has been particularly difficult over the course of my life. When I try to connect with people, it is mostly around common experiences and circumstantial, but there's not inclination to be friends with someone. It's only occurred in specific instances or under specific conditions. There have been times where people have asked to be friends, but I have have not felt that "spark" in terms of platonic attraction. I of course have friends and most of those have been due to certain conditions being met.

In current life I am a part of a community band which has been great and I am a part of a local aro/ace group. I meet people, but again, not a lot of friends. I do connect with people online and sometimes, those can be temporary. When people say they want to be my friend, I am indifferent about friendship. It's this feeling of I would like friendship, but I am don't feel platonic attraction except in certain circumstances and I am platonic indifferent.

I am wondering if there are others that have had similar experiences and have any insight of how to navigate aplatonicism?

Loooooong story short, I recently came to the realization that I am asexual AND aplatonic. I’ve been in a relationship for five years with someone that has known I’m asexual since the beginning of the relationship. They don’t have a problem with that and have been very supportive and respectful. But in the last maybe 2-3 years I started losing the few friends I had, some of them changed jobs, focused on their school life or relationships etc, and it didn’t make me sad, I love seeing them grow and have a good life and everything they deserve. I’ve changed jobs too and have met more people but I don’t feel the need to pursue any type of friendship with anyone I have met lately, I just don’t have the energy or desire for it. I’m respectful and polite but I don’t feel the need to connect with anyone in a way a friendship would develop. I told my partner about this and their response was that I’m not aplatonic, just bitter. My jaw dropped. I don’t wish anyone harm, I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards any friends I ever had and they moved on with their lives, I simply do not feel the need to make any friendships, I don’t have the energy or mental capacity for any of that right now… and I don’t know, I just felt sad that my partner thinks of me as bitter instead of maybe trying to understand how I feel. Has anyone gone through this? 😓

Hey, so I’ve been thinking and I realised that I never actually wanted or needed friends. It’s something that I’ve said myself on multiple occasions but I never correlated it with aplatonic until recently, recently being my learning of both aro and ace. So I’ve never wanted to make friends but then there was an occasion where someone didn’t give up being my friend and we have ended up becoming ‘besties’ as they constantly say. While I do care for them it’s not a connection like they’re constantly describing it. They always want hugs, nicknames and other things- which I’m not always comfortable with but i do it to make them happy. To me, I guess it’s like a beneficial partnership, someone to talk to through the day. And I guess it’s helped, I’m drifting away from the quiet kid persona- ANYWAYS that’s off topic.

So summary- I never wanted to make friends but someone has become my friend but I don’t feel the exact same way platonically and I am thus asking you, the viewer, to tell me if this is signs of being somewhat aplatonic

• see ya! :D

1: what are aplaspec experiences like to you?

2: do indivs that are aplaspec have to be arospec or other types of aspec?

Anyone else just kinda go damn I have A LOT of more free time ever since I realised that I'm aplatonic? I used to try to make friends when I was younger because everybody kept telling me to do so even though I don't have any attachments to any friends and all the 'friendships' just faded away pretty quickly.

Then I found out being aplatonic is a thing and then I was like oh nice I guess I can stop now and this isn't something that's "wrong" about me and I'm not just a bad person who is a bad friend/an unsympathetic monster.

And then even further! now I'm realising yea wow I have a lot of more free time and a lot more freedom and also a lot less drama in life lol

like, they go up to me and scream "DoTtY bAe" I DON'T WANT YOU GIRL

I feel a platonic attraction towards my friend, let's call them M, and it took a while for me to really get attached. It hasn't happened to any other person someone could consider friend material.

I created a new sub r/afamilial

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My friend keep saying I should get a pet since I love alone. I said, nah I'm a-cat-onic 😜

I like animals, think they're cute etc but I don't feel I need any companionship and if I'm honest would find the obligations of care too stressful and dare I say boring.

I'm gay, greyromantic, greysexual, demi/grayplatonic genderfluid (Aka a living 5G tower). I strongly feel that my gayness, genderfluidity, and greyromanticism are heavily queer,. I also strongly see my greysexuality as queer too, but I relate less with the community due to having a decently active libido, and being sexually attracted to my partner, so, I'm not as vocal about it in pride spaces, but I still believe it's very important to be included in LGBT spaces.

Then we get to my greyplatonicism... And I just... Idk where I stand with it.

On the one hand, yes, I fully believe that we experience a lot of stigma (although, none of it is systematic to my knowledge) and we deserve to have pride of our own, but, idk if I'd really consider my aplatonicism to be queer. For me, if just affects my ability to make and maintain close friendships. Considering I only ever really feel lonely as a form of FOMO, my aplatonicism doesn't really affect me, or hinder me the same way other aspects of my identity do.

However, I also believe that someone's personal experience with discrimination doesn't make them more/less queer so... But, I also know that if it weren't for discrimination, the LGBT+ community wouldn't exactly exist. So, I'm really confused on how to feel about aplatonicism being queer/belonging to the LGBTQ community.

I'd love to hear other apls thoughts on it