I have never been too concerned about labeling myself but for the most part if I were to be asked I would say I'm on the aroace spectrum. And like most others I'm not completely sure how to differentiate romantic feelings and just admiration. Like I know for a fact I have been attracted to guys and the idea of being in a relationship with anyone regardless of gender doesn't really bother me. I find both girls and boys pretty (trans, nonbinary, etc Idk cuz I have never seen any of y'all. I live in a very small town.) I have imagined relationships with both gender and I can most definitely imagine being in a qpr with someone. (Then again I can imagine myself with anyone friend or not.) Yet at the same time I both worry that my love isn't truly romantic and just about normal couple things if I think too hard. I love fictional relationships and I don't mind irl ones but there have been several times I just roll my eyes at affectionate couples lol. Like I find it disgusting sometimes as to how affectionate they are even if they're just hugging like PLZ go somewhere else. Anyways I think that's all I have to say so...yea. Just wanted to ramble into empty space where someone can read and respond if they wanted to hehe.

Idk what the difference is

hi, so, I'm apothisexual. I know I feel romantic attraction but it's really complicated...

I look at people on TV and IRL and sometimes think, "wowww they look amazingg, I would snuggle/be their friend for sure" things like that.

I'm not quite sure what a crush is, though.

There's this boy that attends my school whom I think looks really beautiful; I don't think about him unless I see him though. I also dislike his personality so I don't really want anything to do with him.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone I find pretty, but I do want to stare at them (keyword "want") and I'll get really excited when I see someone I find pretty.

I do want a strictly romantic, monogamous, relationship that is life-long, but I never make a first move and I never think I have a crush on someone. I only get into relationships if I find the other person aesthetically attractive (aesthetically, in my case, would be if they are a part of the same aesthetic group as me i.e. emo, punk, pastel, etc. i guess this is a "swish?") and if they say they like me first (I don't think I can like other people first unless I really really know them but I still wouldn't ask them out first)

I would also enjoy doing seemingly romantic things with others like holding hands and snuggling but only platonically..

if it matters at all towards this, i hate pet names, flirting, and kissing that lasts more than 4 seconds

sometimes my friends think i like them romantically even if i dont

seeing other people show public affection IRL or on TV kinda gross me out for some reason

sometimes saying "i love you" to someone im in a relationship with makes me uncomfortable... once im in a relationship for a while i get kinda obsessive and my romantic (?) attraction is super strong ill think abt the person a LOT

I think im a combination of things, like recipro, quasi, maybe demi and Apresromantic?

sorry this doesnt make sense aughh! >m<

I feel weird and want to know if there is someone else who feels or has had the same experience as me.

I have had girlfriends, boyfriends and partners (in plural) but all those relationships only began because those people just straight up said they wanted to date me and I allowed things to keep going. I never felt excited or nervous when they held my hand or felt like I desperately needed to see them or text them. But when I thought about it later I felt happy.

Kinda like when I was on a date I would be like 'it's whatever' and days after it I would be blushing at the thought that they held my hand.... It even felt so weird to say 'I love you' but I did it either way because I didn't want them to feel awkward by not saying it back. But when I am not in a relationship I feel like I miss it, like I miss my exes which is weird.

Right now I am on a new relationship and my girlfriend, on our third day of dating texted me 'I love you' and has been sending me instagram reels about 'loving you for ever' and much more of those type of reels. It honestly makes me deeply uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do or what to say. I feel like I do like the idea of having a girlfriend, which is why I am so confused. Specially bc when we text I like it but when I see her I just feel weird.

Hello, I've been wondering for some time now whether I qualify as a quoiromantic, but I still have doubts.

I am (19M) and I have a lot of difficulty distinguishing when a feeling is romantic or not. Ever since I heard the term quoiromantic/WTFromantic I've identified with it a lot, but despite that, I feel like I don't really fit in as either an strict aromantic or a romantic.

I know I must feel some romantic attraction but I don't even really know if that's completely true, because even though I love someone very much or feel something for someone, my thoughts are purely platonic, besides I feel a certain distance from romantics with all those strong feelings.

It's not that I don't feel anything, I just don't know exactly what I feel, and this has been happening for a long time.

I use the term aromantic more as an umbrella term, but I'm not sure if I should even be using it.

hi. I'll keep this short.

I've recently been reevaluating my romantic orientation.

usually when I see people that I'm aesthetically attracted to I think about going out with them and it's nice (?). After a while though it just disappears. I'm a little confused. I think I want a relationship..but at the same time it's not that I'm disgusted by it, like "I want it but no.." (i think). especially when I read something or realize something that has to do with romance, something lights up in me, I guess..I can't say if it's a positive feeling or not.

:(

This post is inspired by the frequent litmus questions used on orientation questioners that go along the lines of, “Well would you want to date them?”—and that’s supposed to mean something, but I have no idea what it means. What is a “date”? What is “dating”?

I feel I have a fundamental misunderstanding of terms here. “Dating” and “friendship” show up constantly (in opposition) within definitions of orientations, and assume the reader already knows what each is pointing to, without themselves being defined…but I don’t see those words and know what each is supposed to point to

I didn’t grow up under a rock; I’ve been around allo culture my whole life just like the rest of us; but nonetheless the terms seem like non-words to me. If someone tells me they’re dating I’ll nod my head and call up stereotypical media images of a couple in a diner or on a couch, but the defining features stop there: there’s the setting, of them physically being in the location of that diner or on that couch, and the duration, of the amount of time they spend on that particular night talking and eating in said diner, or netflixing and kissing on said couch. And I’m left thinking: ”so what the fuck about that makes it a ‘date’??!?”

I wonder if part of my confusion comes from how I, as an ❕extremely❕ autistic and tired person, hate “going out” [I’m sensory avoidant, socially anxious, and low energy], while most pictures of dates and dating do explicitly include a “going out” component. Maybe it’s hiking or wtv but it’s still ‘out’ is what I’m saying and I just want to sleep lol so it never seemed appealing in its own right

I understand and do feel the desire to experience/share lovely situations with people you have some feelings for; but to me that just looks like…constant moments that aren’t formalized? —meandering along the sidewalks at dusk before bed; kitchen activities; split earbud music listening…

Is what makes a date a date specifically that it is a location and duration limited event, which also has definitively romantic feelings present and going on during it?? And is “dating” nothing other than a long term state of relationship in which both parties keep participating in those events with each other?? —Because even if true that still doesn’t make sense to me because what is the sampling interval here? If a couple of allos are ‘on a date’ right now then they’re obviously ‘dating’ in this moment [right?… …no???…], but what if they’ve only been on one definable date in their past month together? In the past year? AAAAA

Is ‘dating’ maybe a term specific to other assumptions too we haven’t mentioned about the lifestyles of the daters? Like, if a couple isn’t living together and they’re regularly participating in the abovedefined events, then sure they’re dating. But if they are living together and sharing many waking and sleeping moments of their day together, and also they’re continuing to participate in those abovedefined events, would you still say they’re “dating” or would that have been left behind for some other newer term? And what if they move in but are not participating in those events; does that mean they’re not dating and if not then what are they and what does it mean?!

I've been identifying as a double-demi lesbian for a while now. Attraction used to be pretty concrete for me. I know I've been romantically attracted to two people, and sexually attracted to one of them. I was either attracted to someone, or I wasn't. There used to be no other explanation for why I'd be thinking about kissing someone. But I'm also fairly certain that I have OCD, and in the years since I developed my last crush, I've started getting romantic and sexual intrusive thoughts for people I don't want anything with. Well, that starts to get complicated when you have those thoughts about people you have an emotional bond with or are already attracted to in other ways... long story short, I had one passing thought about kissing one of my favorite celebrities months ago, and somehow that turned into realizing that I don't know how to tell if I'm attracted to anyone anymore. And that's making me spiral, and overanalyze everything I feel, and question everything I've ever felt before... I can't get a single possibility out of my brain, and I just want it all to stop.

Am I welcome here? Even if I'm partially just using the label for my mental health? I don't know if I'll keep using it long-term, but I just want some semblance of peace until I can get out of my state and get therapy.

Ok, this might be a bit long, I apologise in advance. Also, English isn't my first language so I might speak in a weird way sometimes, feel free to let me know.

So I (17F) am autistic and asexual (specifically aegosexual), and for a long while I've felt like I was somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (before I even realized I was ace, back when I thought my lack of sexual attraction was equal attraction to all and identified as pansexual and demiromantic, that was like two years ago but my life has changed so much since then (especially because I didn't yet know I was autistic, I learnt that about a year and a half ago) so it feels like forever ago to me). I've reflected a lot recently on my past and present experiences, for various stuff, at first it was for the autism, then came the asexuality, and now it's the aromanticism (I put the gender identity on the waiting list, I can't deal with all the crises at once and aromanticism is currently my top priority).

So I thought it might be important to explain my experiences with romantic (or not) attraction from the very beginning :

In my life, there have been three instances where I felt I might have a crush or be in love, but at the same time... Thinking back, that's not quite what it was... Or was it ? Idk, that's why I'm here.

The first one was two years ago, I thought I was in love, the guy in question was one of my best friends, we'll call him K, who had been my "crush" (or, as little French me said "amoureux" ( = lover, person you are in love with) because us French have only one word for love and like, and we don't have a word other than the English "crush" for crush and I didn't know that word before like middle school age) since primary school, since the heteronormativity of society had made me feel from a young age that I always "had to" have a crush, so every year I'd pick a boy in my class to be my "crush" and come up with reasons as to why he was my crush ; with K it was a bit different though because usually my "crushes" would only last a year but he was so nice and he was my friend so I kept him as my "crush" for years ; but what I felt two years ago was a bit different : at that time, I was at my worst and not understanding why (I later understood that it was autistic burnout making me depressed but I didn't yet know I was autistic back then), and K was one of my best friends and became my confident because I didn't want to make my other best friends sad by telling them how I felt ; I ended up thinking I was on love with him but looking back I think it was just emotional dependency, wanting to be loved and comphet making me think that, or maybe there was a bit of romantic feelings as well ? I’m not sure

Then, last year and this year, I had two occurrences of situations that began pretty similarly but after a while I guess it's a bit different but anyway, what happened is that, both times, I made a new male friend who was neurodivergent as well (the first one had ADHD, the second one was (undiagnosed but very probably) autistic), and I felt really understood and able to unmask and be myself freely with him, so I guess I had somewhat of a platonic or alterous I'm not sure crush, feeling very happy for having made this new friend, and comphet and/or amatonormativity made me feel like it was a romantic crush.

After a while, it faded (for the autistic one, we'll call him G, it's more recent and that's where it starts to differ because I thought it was fading but now I'm not so sure), and now I see him only as a great friend who understands me (again, that works for the ADHD one, we'll call him B, but I feel like it's a bit different for G). But like at the height of the thing with B, it was like I would feel happy and special when he started to call me his friend or wanting to spend time with me

So yeah, I'm not really sure what these were, a few days ago (update : it's been months now) I looked back at it thinking it was what I described

• comphet

• wanting to be loved (which might particularly stem from having been bullied and told I was ugly and gross for years, which resulted in low self-esteem/self-confidence and feeling like no one could ever love me)

• wanting to experience a romantic relationship to feel like everyone else since it seems so great in fiction and when people describe it (personally I guess the only things in a romantic relationship that I feel drawn to would be hugs and cuddles ? I love them and I sometimes want them but it’s more with my family that I want that, I'm not comfortable being tactile (is that the right word ?) with friends but that's also because I’m often masking and on edge when I’m at school which is when I see them most and I need my own space in these moments and also because I’m afraid of them not being on board with it. I don’t find myself particularly drawn to kissing. I mean, it looks great in books and movies, but I don’t know how I’d like it because I’ve never experienced it, same for dating in general),

OR that maybe they were actually romantic crushes but my autism and asexuality made me experience them in a way that led me to think they weren't, but the other day I learnt about alterous attraction and now I wonder if it played a part in it

Anyways, that was mostly for background and context, the real issue is coming up (although if anyone has answers about what I talked about beforehand they'd be greatly appreciated).

Also, for context again, I have a strong need to label myself, and I currently identify as quoiromantic and nebularomantic, which kinda shows how lost I am lol, like yeah I already struggled with differentiating between platonic and romantic attraction, and now I’m learning that there’s alterous attraction as well, which could either solve all my problems OR make things even more complicated…

Anyways, something got me back into thinking that my feelings for G were maybe not platonic… what happened was we were at a mutual friend’s birthday party, we were all staying over the night, everyone slept (except 5 people who pulled an all-nighter but even those who did sleep didn’t sleep more than like 4 hours) in the living room, we were all hanging out together and we spent hours playing truth or dare, using an app because we were too lazy to come up with our own questions I guess, and G got the dare to kiss all the female players (so only three people, the fourth one was asleep) on their forehead, and since I was half-playing half-trying to sleep, initially the other players said just the other two awake girls, forgetting I was still in, and one of the girls (we’ll call her C) was close to me when she got her kiss and G said he was done but C reminded him I was still in so G asked if I was in and I said ok because I had kinda been hoping he’d do it but I don’t know if it’s because I might have a crush on him or because I felt it’d help me figure stuff out, when he kissed my forehead it didn’t particularly feel like anything or maybe it did because I struggle with identifying my own emotions, but I think it did feel a bit weird but idk if it was a good or a bad weird, it was very fast, it felt a bit awkward but nice at the same time ? Idk, I’m not sure this is actually what I felt or what I felt like I should have felt…

Anyways after kissing my forehead he wished me a good night and it felt nice but idk what the reason was like if it was a crush or platonic or alterous thing, and after that I had a little weird feeling in my chest that I couldn’t really identify And after that, another guy at the party got the same dare and it didn’t feel the same, I didn’t care about it as much, actually I didn’t care about it at all, it was just a fast little thing that happened and didn’t leave me thinking afterwards, apart from in a comparison kinda way, but idk if the reason why it felt different is a crush on G, OR because I overthink every little interaction with G

And like, the thing is, I don’t know what I want, what I feel, and all

My best friend L (who is alloromantic, allistic and allosexual as far as I know) thinks I like G romantically because apparently I act different with him, and that I should try getting closer to him because she says I have a chance with him because he apparently has expressed inclinations towards me ? (from what I remember he finds me pretty and said my eyes are "incroyables" or "magnifiques", I don’t remember which, but he didn’t say that to my face)

So yeah idk what I should do, I don’t even know what I actually feel for G… Like maybe I like him romantically because I get “symptoms” of that but like… Do I actually like him or is my brain tricking me into thinking I like him because I want to like him ? Because I feel like the more I think about it the more I get them ; like there was a time when I had told myself he was just a friend and that was all and I wasn't getting them as much ; but it might just be that I notice them more or hide them less to myself ? In a similar way to how knowing I was autistic made me notice traits I didn't pay attention to or understand before ? Idk

Also about the “symptoms”, when I'm around him I feel relaxed usually, but when I think about my feelings or when the forehead kiss happened I do get some physical reactions, like I feel like I'm overheating and a weird feeling in my chest, but I'm not the best at noticing my own bodily cues so idk

I might need to expand a bit on my feelings towards G, so here’s some stuff (that I wrote before while I was questioning my feelings and discussing them with chatgpt) :

When I’m with him, I am myself. He is one of the few people at school who know I am autistic and he strongly suspects (and so do I) that he might be too (as said earlier), so I feel that I can be myself and unmask with him ; something that might play a part in this is also that he didn't know me before I knew I was autistic and therefore doesn't have the same unconscious masking expectations towards me as some people who know I'm autistic but have known me for years before I was diagnosed. He was the first person I told who wasn't one of my best friends, my parents, professionals who accompanied me on my diagnosis journey, someone I knew was neurodivergent, teachers or people I thought I'd never see again

About physical affection (like hugging or holding hands), I don't know how I feel. I never did that with him (well I wrote that before the forehead kiss thing but yeah), but I don't usually get physical easily with anyone (I’ve talked about that earlier as well) but my family... I mean I can't really imagine that but I don't feel like he'd be into it? Idk, from what I’ve seen he’s not really tactile.

I am happy when I see him and I find myself missing him when I don't, which I don't usually do because I might also have ADHD and struggle with object permanence and it applying to people as well, but with G if I don't see him for some time I feel like something is lacking… Maybe it’s because seeing him at school is part of my routine? I’ll see if this happens over summer break. UPDATE (because writing this post dragged through over a month) : we’re a good month in summer break now and I didn't really miss him except in situations where I expected to see him (like when I hung out with our friend group and he was supposed to come but in the end couldn't)

I think about him more than about other friends whom I "should" be as close to as I am with him in terms of how often we see each other and talk together ; for example at some point we didn't see each other for a month because we had a two weeks school break and the week before we both went on different school trips and the week after he was sick and our schedules didn't align when he wasn't anymore, and I missed him which I don't usually do, as explained earlier, and when we finally talked again after a month it made me really happy.

Also, I find myself noticing things about him I don't always notice about others, like I noticed how he always walk up the stairs skipping one step, or a face he does sometimes where he nods his head, slightly smiles and closes his eyes tight for a second ; I also noticed how he always speak in a calmed and posed manner, with arguments, and uses hand gestures while speaking

Whenever he sends me a text, even if it's always about schoolwork, it makes me happy and I feel something in my chest that's like stress but good ? Idk, I'm not good at identifying my own bodily cues

So far, we haven’t really spent time together outside of school, but I enjoy speaking with him at school, or just being with him. Next year we’ll have at least 6 hours of class a week together, maybe even 12, and I’m happy about it. Spending more time together outside of school sounds nice but I have a hard time imagining it since the only few times it happened was at birthday parties (mine and mutual friends’) or whole group hangouts. About emotional connection with him more than others, I definitely experience it with G more than with other friends I've known for the same amount of time. Like for example, as I said earlier, he's one of the few people at school who know that I'm autistic. UPDATE: well now I’ve told a few more people in our friend group but still, he was the first one I told in thid friend group, months before About jealousy, I don’t exactly think I feel that, but when one of his friends mentioned him having had a massive crush on some girl last year it really made me want to know who that girl was and I couldn't really figure out why that was. UPDATE: I know now who the girl was and apparently he might still like her, like she rejected him over a year ago but he’s not over her yet or something… and she’s totally not in the same league as me, like she’s so pretty and stylish and takes care of herself and dresses well and her hair is well taken care of… when I found out by backreading a conversation I’d missed because it was in the middle of the night on our friend group’s discord server, it really upset me to the point where I couldn’t study all morning when but I don’t know if it's because I like him or because I hoped he’d like me REUPDATE : I’ve talked about it with one of his closest friends and apparently he’s pretty much over it, it happened over a year ago, but it was his first crush so it was a big thing

Also I’ve thought about the whole “wanting to like him” like if that’s actually what it is, technically there are reasons why I would want to, like it'd be cool if I liked him because he's a great person and I feel like I might actually maybe have a chance with him (with the possible inclinations expressed earlier, which is a bit crazy for me especially since I struggled with self-esteem because of bullying as said earlier and I used to think no one could ever like me, but like it’s a really positive crazy) (UPDATE : welp I’m not so sure that’s still true… time will tell) and I do feel like it'd be nice to be in a relationship with someone because I've never had that but I wouldn't want that with someone else at least not at the moment Also it’s been quite a few months since I started questioning the possibility of having a crush on G, like at least 7 or 8 months ; last year with B it faded much quicker but also I’d say B and I are now much closer friends than I am with G ? Unsure Also, summer break just started (UPDATE : well now it’s been a good month, REUPDATE it’s now over) so I won’t see him for two and a half months unless we both join a group hangout of our friend group… Which kinda makes me sad but I don't know if it actually does make me sad or if my brain is tricking me because I should be sad which could be possible because I don't usually miss people except my family but it could also mean that my feelings towards him are different? Idk (UPDATE: well I was kinda sad he couldn't make it to the hangout because I expected him to come but we did see each other not so long after I started writing this in another group hangout but we didn't really interact a lot one on one) ANOTHER LITTLE UPDATE : the other day on the group chat people where talking about love, I can’t remember why, but he said it was too complicated to understand, tried to use chat gpt to explain to him what it was (that’s something we have in common lol, we use chat gpt a lot, and at the party I mentioned earlier there was a moment where I was using it to process what had happened with the forehead kiss and then I heard one of our friends telling G to stop using chat gpt, I thought that was a funny coincidence, we’ve also had friends telling us we’re the same person but different gender), and said he has thought he might be aromantic, to which our friends where like, but what about the girl from last year and he said it was “an anomaly which he doesn’t understand” (which is honestly relatable) and I said I’ve thought I might be aromantic too and said that if he wanted to talk about it he could talk to me to which he said yes, so I reached out to him in private messages and he said he wasn’t yet ready to talk about it but appreciated my gesture Anyways I don’t think I'm gonna make the first step, (UPDATE : especially after what I learnt about his old crush from last year) I'll just wait and see if things evolve next school year, or wait for him to make a move or something, like I don't see myself walking up to him and saying that I don't like him in a platonic nor romantic way but a secret third way that no one outside the aro and ace communities has heard off… And I’m not even sure of that so… Also I struggle with handling rejection (RSD) so I’m just gonna… Let things be, I guess ? Idk UPDATE from just before I publish this (at the same time as the REUPDATE things) : so I actually was overthinking the other night and sent a lengthy text to one of his closest friends, let’s call him H amongst our friend group to ask him if he thinks I have a chance or not, to know if it’s worth torturing my brain like that over it ; H was super enthusiastic about it and really reassured me about all this, but then I talked about it wirh my best friend L who said it was good that he reassured me like that but he’s often one to be a bit “delulu” ; L said she supported me if I wanted to do something about it, but she said it was either go 100% or 0%, that night we were havyung a sleepover and she kinda pushed me out of my comfort zone, making me send a text to G out of the blue which I never usually do, we always text for a specific reason as mentioned earlier ; it was quite nice talking to him but I was also a bit anxious about being out of my comfort zone, and I started overthinking about what if things go well and then we start dating but I end up realising I don’t actually like him ? I'm so scared of hurting him… L said that these are things that happen, that people get hurt in relationships all the time, but I’m so scared of that happening… I wish there was an easy way of knowing for sure, like a relationship status bar like I’m a video game character or something… anyways with enthusiastic H an L behind me I feel like I now have no other choice than trying to get closer to G and see what happens… I might be overthinking all that as well but yeah anyway

Btw if you didn't get if from the updates thingies, this post was written over the course of multiple months

Please help me I want and need answers TwT I hate self-doubt and crave labels and understanding

Also I'm very sorry about my writing style, I know it's awful, I use sentences way too long, too many parentheses and I keep drifting off topic... So if you stayed all the way until now, thanks really, because that mustn't have been easy

Hello there,
I know im definetly on the aro spectrum somewhere, but im having difficulty finding out where.

I think i want / like the idea of a relationship so im leaning either cupio, but it could also be the amatanormativity telling me thats what i want so not quite sure.

Another part of me thinks i could be quoriomantic, cause i have never felt any kind of romantic attraction eventhough i have been in situations where i probably should have, but this brings up a question to me which i hope someone here could answer. If you are "100%" aromantic, meaning you never do and have never experienced romantic attraction, shouldnt you by definition be quoiromantic? If you have a good answer to this please do share.

So, I have people I know are just friends, but I also have somone I know i definitely feel romantic attraction for. However, that is often the exception rather than the rule. Most of my friends, I could see myself dating, or have a hard time telling if I only feel for someone platonically, or if I have romantic feelings for them as well. I'm a minor and asexual (as far as I can tell), so I know it isn't sexual at all. Is this something you guys experience? Certain people fall into platonic or romantic, though a lot of others fall into a grey area?

I know it can be hard to differentiate between types of attraction so I’m not going to ask what a particular type of attraction feels like but as someone considering the Quoiromantic label, I was wondering if anyone could describe their actual experiences with attraction as a quoiromantic person- like what you’re feeling, what you’re wanting, where confusion actually comes in, etc, when you do “like” someone- so I can compare it with my own? I’m curious about if there’s any commonalities, plus I figured answers to this post may be helpful for others questioning like me.

(Also, if any of you are confident about describing a particular type of attraction you experience or don’t experience- like platonic, alterous, romantic, queerplatonic, sensual, aesthetic, etc- feel free to talk about that as well).

Me and my best friend have known eachother since december last year and I've found myself attracted to her I think, but at the same time I feel the same about her as I have about most of the people that I've become incredibly close with. I've struggled to tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction for the longest time because I've always wondered "why is it wrong to say my friend is beautiful or to want to be close with them? (cuddling, compliments, holding hands, kissing, giving gifts, etc.) If someone is pretty then they're pretty and they deserve to know it. I love them, so why shouldn't I show it?" Or something along those lines. It's caused a lot of confusing moments for me. Expressing romantic feelings to someone and realizing I was wrong, or that I don't know what I really feel, and then doubling back and going back and forth with what I think is a common experience for me, and I often feel guilty for never being able to get to the truth with these people I care about. Never really being quite sure if I'm "in love" or if I just deeply cherish this person. I want to give them all of my love unabashedly in a completely shameless way, but I'm not sure how to do so without them thinking I'm in love with them. Especially if I don't know I am. My best friend is absolutely beautiful. She's intelligent, creative, caring, funny, and I never feel like I have to put up a front with her. Her smile makes my heart flutter. Seeing her cry breaks it. Her voice and her laugh are one of my favorite sounds, and i get butterflies in my stomach when i speak to her. Her little quirks like the way she twirls her hair with her finger when she's nervous and the jokes that she just can't help but make and the catchphrases she's adopted and the words she's made up for her favorite things are all so endearing and make me love her even more. I don't want a relationship with her. I just want her in my life in the way she is now, plus maybe being a bit more intimate (like that stuff i mentioned earlier). I can't help but want to give her every part of me regardless. I know I love her dearly and I know she loves me too, but I just don't know how to cope with the confusion of never knowing if it's more to me than it is to her. I don't know how she feels about me. Does she admire me in the same way I do her? Is it normal to feel this way for a friend, or do I have "deeper" feelings than that of a friend? I mean ive met people who are so close to their friends that they are willing to do all of those aforementioned things. I am of the firm belief that love of any kind can be just as intense as another and just as valuable as well as long as you foster it with the right person. I know my love for her runs incredibly deep, but I want to know to what part of me it reaches. Which depth does this root extend into? Is this in line with what people who use the quoiromantic label feel? Have I finally found the community that I can resonate with?

So, I've just rewatched JaidenAnimation's video about "Not being straight" (where she speaks about aro-ace people), because it felt quite familiar while not familiar.

Let me explain. I consider that I'm in the "not cisgender" spectrum and I think I might be Bi. I'm 27 yo and I'm in the third serious relationship of my life, in fact, ever since I'm 16 yo I've been involved in "romantic" stories.

First time I was watching Jaiden's video, I was like "cool, now I know better about aro-ace people", and forgot about it because I'm not Ace. And today, while watching, the Aro part of the video felt... More familiar. But, unlike Jaiden, I've had multiple crushes !!!! Worst, at some point in highschool, I felt like I was falling in love with every new boy I met (I thought I was straight back then). Also, my boy bestfriend would attract me, while being in my first "serious" relationship with another one. It was terrible for me, as you can imagine, because I felt like a slu*t.

Back to present me watching my video, it clicked at some point : because I remembered that Aromantic was also a spectrum. So I read some descriptions and here I am. Quoiromantic? When I read the word I thought it was a joke because it sounds stupid.

All those years, I've never been able to understand if I was having a crush on someone ; or just wanting to get to know them better ; or attracted to them because they were beautiful or intelligent ; or admire them ; or love them.
While doing my researches, I was even more confused because I couldn't understand the deeper meaning of "romantic" in aromantic.

When I look back at my previous relationships, it feels so awkward. My first boyfriend, well, let's say it was quite a ride to discover intimacy while having an anxious attachment style, and being angry all the time. Back then, I was playing the girl and imitating "love" as we've learnt it on TV shows and movies. Now, I know it wasn't love, I was just thrilled to discover new things. Also the relationship fell apart because I thought I was in love with on someone else HAHA. My second boyfriend, I left him just because I didn't want to live with him anymore, but he was still my bestfriend at the time and it was awful because, of course, for him it was too hard so stay friend with me (which I understand).

When I found out I was Bi, it was worst, because I began to consider that, if I was friend with my girl friends, maybe it was because I had crushes on them, while not being aware of it (because I didn't know I could also love girls). And now, I always feel like I want more intimate connexion and spend time with my friends (not in a se*ual way) ((well ??? I don't know with some friends maybe...???), and I feel frustrated because they don't feel the same way about me. It's never enough.

And my actual lover. I love him, I know I do, he's my partner, my bestfriend, I'm having such a good time with him. But I feel like it's never enough, that I should love him more. I had butterflies in my stomach when we first met, and now, I just feel like we're the best friends. I feel like I could have the same feelings towards good friends.
I also try to not feel guilty when I think I have crushes, because I know it can't be love everytime, and that I should let myself actually SPEAK to people, it's not a betrayal. But it's cool, I know I can have this conversation with him and it will not scare him.

Thanks to you if you read all my silly words this far, I feel kinda stupid to share it, but it also feels nice because I think someone might relate in here... Do people relate to my story ?

Also, sorry for my mistakes in English, it's not my first language...

Reading here I had a strange realisation, although it’s still hard to put things in perspective.

I’ve had an interest in a friend of mine for a while, I assumed it was romantic since it wasn’t always platonic,

I’d care about this person and I would think about them all the time, worry about them, all things a good friend would, or more like a “special friend” like someone I wanted more with, I flirted with them without really thinking about it.

infatuation is a good word for it, we were together for a while and I kept falling in and out of love, I would fluctuate in and out of that romantic spectrum,

when i can’t feel romantic love with someone who constantly can, It leaves a bad taste on my tongue, a guilty feeling of being less, usually I love being different, but realizing just how much differently I perceive and feel love for someone, it hurts.

I’ve tried to change, I’ve tried ignoring it, I've tried to go with the flow of what my past partner wanted.

And the more when I whent into a more normal romantic relationship the less I wanted to be in it, we tried to find some common ground, but I realized it wasn’t fair to either of us in the end,

My partner realized I was distant and that I wanted a bromance who shares a basement, rather than a wedding, romantic gestures, and a husband. That’s what they deserve, and in the end it didn't work out, but I just realized I can’t give that.

And it makes finding someone that much more difficult, knowing how I feel towards both romantic as well as the ace spectrum of things.

I don't know if anyone has a similar experience, if they share some guilt, and have some blame on themselves. I understand that well, and if you'd like to talk about those experiences, it would help too know someone shares the struggle.

so i have been FOR A WHILE been thinking that i might be cupioromantic as i lose interest in people after o get in a relationship with them like i can flirt with people and or read fanfics like x readers and i love the idea of being in a romantic relationship but when i actually get to know someone i feel like i lose interest or when i actually start to date someone i lose interest and i just kinda stop flirting and that stuff… i just would REALLY like some help with everything and i need some advice because i want to find out who i am.

Hello! I've been thinking ab this for a long time and I need to get it out. I'm ace. I found out I was ace bc my friends used to describe to me that they wanted to have seggs with someone and that they actually had an interest to do the deed, and I just... Didn't. The thing is, in this situation, I had a pretty clear image of what seggsual attraction was, what you were supposed to feel and, since I didn't, I just came to the conclusión I'm ace. Really simple, really logical way of coming to that conclusión. With romantic attraction, it's another story! Everyone keeps telling me that romantic attraction and what it means to be in a relationship is different in every person. They tell me that there are all different and it can be anything and that really confuses me!!! Like, unlike w being ace, romantic attraction doesn't have a common denominator...?? Or does it?? Like how can I know what it is?? Bc I don't know and it drives me insane jsjsj.

Sometimes I think it's bc I'm autistic that I'm having such a hard time with an answer so uncertain, but also... Does any other ND person or someone in general can tell me a common denominator? Or something to grasp on to know what I feel?? Or if someone here is ND as well, do you have a problem like this one? /genq

I've been questioning my romantic orientation for a while, but I've settled on being Demiromantic for some time.

The reason I call myself Demiromantic is because I got to know someone really well over a few years and eventually "fell in love" with them. However when I had "feelings" for them it wasn't that I wanted to go on dates, it was just that I wanted to spend more time together and be a little more intimate (without segs being involved). To me it was just an expansion of our platonic relationship but not exactly a romantic relationship. They eventually broke up with me, and when that happened I was only worried about if our friendship would end - I didn't really care a whole lot about our "romantic relationship," which in hindsight might be strange or potentially wrong to someone who experiences romantic attraction. (We are still friends btw)

Because of all that I've been thinking that maybe I'm Demiromantic and Quoiromantic. Not sure if anyone else identifies this way or if it's possible to be both.

Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

I feel like the terms quioromantic and arospike don’t fit me. I just feel like when it comes to a partner. I like my partner a lot and then I just don’t feel the same but, my feelings begin to wane. But this doesn’t mean I still don’t want to be with them or that I don’t care about them . But at the same time I also don’t know if I’ve really had romantic feelings for someone including partners. Although I know for certain I don’t love my family and friends and I don’t necessarily care about people. So I’m confused help me understand please.lol

Current relationships have me confused.

So for context. I (24 trans-fem) am currently dating my partner but recently and just on and off I get the distinct lack of wanting to be romantically involved with them. Which is fine, they have noticed it and stated such. But at the same time I currently have a couple coworkers that have flipped everything I understood about my romantic interests on its head to the point where all of my interactions with them have been weirdly flirty but not?

Me and my partner have been in this relationship for 7 years now. They would consider themselves pan but I don't know what I would consider myself. What would all of this even be considered?

Heyyy 🤙 So the thing is, I'm trying to understand if I'm quoiromantic or not. In the past, I didn't give it too much thought and I just assumed I didn't find the right person yet. That might still be the case, but I find it pretty weird that I've never ACTUALLY had a crush (I'm 18). What made me think of this possibility is that I do get interested in or attracted to a person, but, even if they meet every standard or they match perfectly with me, I still can't tell if I'm falling for them or if I'm just getting very attached in a friendly way. I really can't tell. To me love is a very strong bond between the two, it's just like having a best friend, but the romantic feeling is not really part of the "project" as it should actually be. I can't even imagine myself in a "romantic" situation, it feels a little weird, yet I'd like to fall in love. I often find myself thinking I will never feel "complete" in a relationship, cuz the other is not the right one or cuz I can't fully repay the love I'm receiving from them. Idk, maybe I'm just a "not exactly romantic person" or I've actually never met the right one and I'm EXTREMELY picky, but let me know if you guys feel the same things and what you think about my situation.

(P.S. I probably forgot to write something but whatevs, I'll probably post this on other subreddits to have even more advices and opinions)

I (35 M AuDHD aro-allo, solo polyam, relationship anarchist) recently got into the British group Enter Shikari. Listening to their 2023 album, "A kiss for the whole world," and the song "Dead Wood" really just hit as an aromantic.

Touches on my fears of inadequacy and abandonment bc of not being able to give/reciprocate romantic love.

I’m quiroromantic and while I don’t get the different between romantic relationships and other kind of relationships, I don’t want to give up on the idea of “romanticization” or of treating life with more grandeur than would be deemed typical. But I’m afraid that trying to rehabilitate the word out of the cultural paradigm will be terribly confusing so maybe I should just find a new word or invent one?! I came up with a new word the other day.

soul-kindled The slow burning act of mutual tenderness that comes from the realization of life’s fleetingness. The shared desire of living for its own sake. An inter-mingling of emotion and energy.

Romanticization feels like a flickering candle that brings a sparkle to life. Romance and all of its cultural signifiers as it relates to romantic relationships feels like a confusing mess. Does anyone feel similarly or get what I’m talking about?

ok so basically i have this friend, and we’ve been friends for like 10 years, and i think I might like her?? i’m a lil jittery rn but i’ll try to explain - basically i want to kiss her and cuddle and go on dates and i also sometimes write sappy poetry about her when im drunk and i want to do more intimate things with her and i’ve been getting her flowers and matching jewelry and chocolates for years now. we have a running joke that im in love with her, but it’s just a joke. im starting to think it’s not, tho, cause i’ve been excessively lamenting and longing these past few nights, and it’s getting out of hand. i literally can’t do anything without thinking about her eyes or lips or hands and her laugh grrrrrrr GUYS PLEASE IVE IDENTIFIED AS AROACE FOR SO LONG THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING

also i should probably mention, i have some thoughts like this with all of my friends. i’ve always liked the idea of kissing them, cuddling, etc. but this is a different, more intimate feeling?? like i get flustered thinking about it, and whenever i see a suggestive image or edit or whatever on tiktok i immediately think of her. it’s really weird and it’s making me really uncomfortable honestly.

guys please wth is happening 😭 i had no where else to go you guys have to help me

Okay so, I think I'm Quoiromantic but I'm currently in a relationship tho (sadly it's not going well rn) and I've realized that when I get in relationships I get like sad and kinda dissociate? Like I'll watch this happy couple on insta or TikTok and go "man wish I was in a relationship" while being in a relationship?? For the longest I thought I was just weird and an ass because I get in relationships and expect a different outcome but it's always the same. So I feel like I'm gonna severely hurt my current bf because I think I'm aro and idk how to handle my emotions.