I feel so fucking selfish but idk how to help myself and I don’t want to feel better. I just want to be forgotten so I can fade away and let this consume me. I’m so tired.

(TW // NATURAL DISASTERS, BEREAVEMENT)

I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life, however it’s started to manifest itself in new ways. The intensity has started to increase, bringing along feelings of anger, irritability, paranoia and impulsiveness. This has gotten progressively worse the further I’ve gotten into my adulthood (22M). It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even recognize my actions as my own sometimes.

I go through periods of time where it feels as if I’m being driven by an engine. But- it’s powering a car with no breaks and is starting to catch fire. It starts off with this buzzing, almost static-electricity feeling that fills my whole body. I can think, move, and talk faster. When the anxiety first comes on, it can almost feel beneficial. I’ve noticed I perform better at work when it first starts, which makes me feel more confident.

But then the feeling builds up until it becomes physically painful. I start to get irritable, snapping at loved ones, assuming they secretly hate me and have plans to ruin my life. I start driving recklessly, going 70mph+ in a 50. Taking money out of my savings for stupid impulse purchases after saving for months- just to have to start all over again. Getting 3 hours of sleep a night for a week and feel way more alert than usual. Starting pointless screaming matches to prove a point I don’t even agree with!

It’s as if I’m watching a movie in a first person POV and someone else is the actor controlling my body and actions. I feel like I’m fucking possessed and trying to expel a demon out of me. My inner voice screaming at myself “STOP!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?”

In the past, sometimes the more intense anxiety periods have varied from lasting a few hours, days, to weeks. Recently they have become more frequent and lasted longer. It’s started to become noticeable at work. My boss even privately sent me a link to a mental health resource a few weeks ago without any context. I’m terrified I’m gonna do something one of these days that gets me fired.

I recently was affected by a natural disaster that has left me spiraling again. This is 4 years after my only parent passed away at 18, resulting me having to move out on my own at 19. I feel like I have no support through this more recent trauma, as I just got out of a 3 year relationship that was broken off shortly after the natural disaster.

I feel so broken, I just want to be able to relax like other people can.

14f. some guy in his 30’s has been talking to me for like a week now and we really hit it off :/

we just got on call and he immediately dominated me. I immediately submitted. i dont feel used or gross. i just realize this isnt good but i cant bring myself to cut him off.

i cant tell anybody. nobody even knows that i used to get groomed besides my parents. that shit fucking fucked me up. i was 9 and it went into me being 11. i still suffer from it. i cant do this again.

hes so kind and so praising. i went quiet once he started calling me a good girl and he had a field day with it.

i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i know its wrong. if somebody finds out ill go to the hospital again i dont know what to do anymore

i’ve recently come back into having thoughts about self harm and even my previous disordered eating thoughts have resurfaced. i don’t know if it’s just something about the weather being colder but ever since august ive been in a far more depressive state as opposed to the first half of the year. i’ve struggled on and off with my mental health and even since august i’ve had better and worse moments. it’s just starting to feel heavier every day as i get older. i turned 18 in july which means im adult where im located and i also graduated highschool in june. the high of that and my birthday was good until the severe low point after the realization that it’s all downhill from here for me really set in. i’m so easily drained these days, i barely work but the pressure to get my life together and work and drive like all my friends is always putting me down even more. i also recently had a family loss which has been weighing on me. i’ve also been thinking about how my father is not present in all this and it makes me so angry. maybe if he cared we wouldn’t struggle so hard financially or maybe id have my life figured out and have a little more confidence in my future. it’s got me feeling extremely out of control and every other thought of mine is self destructive because self destructive behaviours are my only source of control in my life and have been for so long. my job feels out of control, my and my family’s financial situation, my living situation, even my friendships and relationships. i don’t know what to do anymore, it all feels pointless. we all die anyways so why even try anymore

I've been super paranoid the past week. I keep thinking that all my friends hate m or are plotting to murder me when I clearly know they are not but I can't help but be terrified that they are going to do something even though I KNOW they wouldnt. I once was convinced my friend was replaced by a CIA agent even though I knew that was crazy but I was still scared. I keep thinking that people are looking at me and whispering about me and that they can read my mind even though I know that they are I can't help but be just panicked about it. And I keep hearing people say my name and whisper in my ear and hearing ringing and clicking and music when no one in my friend group hears it. And I keep having to check on things I know are fine like is the computer turned off or did I close bathroom door. What is happening. I'm a teen btw I'm if that matters.

So very often I get sad at night. Usually close to bedtime. I'm not sure exactly why. But apparently this happens to other people too. And I was wondering if anyone knew of a way to curb this feeling? If there were any tricks to keeping myself from feeling this way. Because sometimes it's a bit unbearable.

It's not like I'm depressed or suicidal it's just I feel like something is missing. I want to do so much more but I'm stuck.

Not really sure where to post this but was hoping for some advice. I posted about this in another sub like a year ago and was banned from that sub. I don’t even know how to get my thoughts out but this is a mental illness sub so please bear with me on it. All of my life, from the time I was roughly 7 years old or so, I’ve developed a strange view of mothers. To where, I worry and feel that the majority sexually abuse their sons. And I can’t exactly say why or what caused it. As an adult, I have randomly met (and I don’t meet many ppl that I actually get to know) but I’ve met two guys that were sexually abused by their mothers. I guess it really bothers me to the point where I’ll cry and have a trauma response to it and I worry that most mothers do it and no one cares. I am trans male so I was born female, so it’s even more complicated. I feel I don’t understand the role of a mother. Or what they feel. I am unsure why I am dealing with this. I do try to think about my past to understand it but it is very difficult. I guess I constantly feel at war with people for these thoughts I can’t control for the past 20 something years. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a symptom of schizophrenia. I guess it’s like feeling like every little boy you see around you is being abused and it causes me torment and I don’t know why I’m feeling this.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I have very vidid hallucinations of my cat sitting right next to me and she would be moving too but when I try to pet her she immediately disappears. Is this normal to have these hallucinations right when I wake up?

She thinks she's being gang stalked, I didn't want to get involved but she just showed up at my house and cut a water line because she thinks I'm one of the gang stalkers, Is there anything i can do here?

Help with life. As an FASD patient.

I need help, As my childhood finally draws near I realize that the income I'm currently making is insufficient along with my ability to work.

(Not a good memory, It's hard to read emotions, Attention is very bad, And I get easily agitated in the only places near me where I can work)

I was wondering could someone tell me the basics of everything and the benefits that we get?

I'd really appreciate it, I never fully realized how much it affected me until I saw the full extent of what other people could do.

If someone could Like I asked could you list off and explain to me where and how I can get benefits a d what they do along with which is better?

Sorry if it's asking too much I just know I'm not gonna be able to remember it the best or even be able to do it without a complex paragraph that I can go back to and reread when I forget a detail, Please forgive me and I truly appreciate whoever does it. 🙏 Thank you.

I think it's a problem I have but I haven't felt it. I used to get it really bad. Sometimes I would think of getting married and running off or having a fantastical honeymoon. I think now due to me realizing I struggle with something called emophilia has helped. It means I fall in love quickly and often. I sometimes "fall in love" with strangers and I feel creepy. I just notice people I want to love or even kiss. I love kissing. I love hugging and cuddling. I never cross boundaries though. That's good. I've never been actually creepy. It's just something that happens where I see someone and I really like them and I get emotional because of it. I'm really young and it's good I'm realizing "marriage fever," is not ideal.

I've been feeling way less insecure. I don't have a feeling of being empty. It sucks. It can make me want to get drunk, or high. Very bad as I'm a sloppy drunk and I've abused things that aren't as safe as pot. Like I'll drink above my limit which is 7 drinks. I have no desire to sabotage relationships. I feel better about my current one. I think the person genuinely likes me and it's fueling me. I have been writing. I thought my partner didn't like me as much as they said. But I'm pretty sure it's good. I turned down my ex after they asked a 5th effing time. Smh. We've tried way too much. They lost their chances. Now theyre kinda taking back the "let's be friends" vibe. I'm seeing their true colours.

I'm realizing I do have a flaming burning heart. Lots of love to give both platonically and romantically. Not having Ideation. It's a powerful symbol for me. A reminder that I do carry a light within. I want other people to realize the same. To do that I need to recognize it in myself. I love myself and I love others.

Idk if this is a truthful thought, it runs up in my mind. Everybody has a big open sky to flee while they are stuck in a shelter of rumination, this question seems so unbearable. I've seen movie characters who played the villain and one of them committed suicide for lying, gaslighting, tyrannizing, etc. In other difference like in reality, it's depressing to see someone falling off from the ledge not knowing if this person is either good, bad or evil because he/she has done something bad or way worse. For instance, many good or bad people take higher risk to survive depression that's linking to suicidal behavior and it happens to all the people around the world. Same with me as well, the only person who I find it as the most evil one is any kind of a narcissist whether everybody likes to be a narcissist or not. When I grow up until 18, I feel different when I see people who seems way more narcissistic than I was but not so sure of how they feel if they get exposed. I'm not sure about this, what do you think?

(Send no hate/critical comments pls...)

This is the worst, at least the meds are helping. But the past 8 years have been hell for me. So much carnage but a lot of adventures.

Diagnosed / my major diagnoses are bipolar 2 and bpd I do have depression and GAD but those two are specifically what I struggle with the most

So I'm f23 110lbs and 5'2 I like my weight and if anything I'd want to lose another 10-20lbs but my psychiatrist wants to put me on Quetiapine/seroquel which is notoriously known for weight gain and I'm a bit scared. A lot of the other side affects are things I already struggle with becuase I also suffer with chronic low iron .

I'm currently on Venlaflaxine 150mg and this would be additional to that. Idk what to do especially as I'm coming out a hypomanic episode so I'm already feeling the affects of hardly sleeping and I don't want to be EVEN more tired

I dont know if I am explaining this right but: For some reason I feel weird when I talk to somebody too personally. When I meet someone I Like them but when I get to know them it starts being weird and I just cant talk with someone 1 on 1 without feeling bored or unnatural. It is not something about the person i dislike I just feel this way. It just feels weird for me to call someone a friend. I just "stop liking" them if our relationship is too personal.
Does anyone know what this can be caused by?

I confess to the world that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior TODAY and Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I AM SAVED. Jesus Christ is Lord, He's God's son, He died for my sins and God rose him from the dead. He is alive! I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I have been baptized. I AM NOT ASHAMED! Amen!

I don’t want to offend anyone by posting as I know most people don’t have a choice. I had psychosis/mania last December cannibis-induced and it has destroyed my life. I lost all my friends, my family relationships have been severely damaged, I lost all motivation for life and dropped out of college with only a year left. In the weeks after it I started making changes, stopped smoking weed, took my meds religiously and genuinely wanted to get better and have a good life but as time dragged on, a self sabotage urge grew and I stopped taking my meds and started smoking again and of course it happened again, I haven’t smoked since but I want to just to become psychotic again and I don’t understand why I want to bring this on myself, I’m throwing my life away and I feel like I’m watching it on the sideline. Sorry if this was insensitive but I want to know does anyone else think like this

I haven’t hurt anything, I’ve been like this because of the internet, and because of this I can’t stop these thoughts,

I hate my younger self so much, my parents were right but I never wanted to admit I was wrong, so now I’m here, it’s my fault,

I don’t want to hurt anything or give them a bad life, I had one has a child and I don’t want to let anything go through abuse,

I can’t stop my parts and brain reacting sexually, no matter what I do, I try to keep it inside but it comes back worse then ever, it hurts and I can never stop feeling my parts from being hyper aware,

The problem is I cannot tell anyone because I’m worried about being labeled a sex offender or having the police alerted, and I feel disgusted with myself, I also don’t want to disappoint my family,

It feels like hell, but I can’t stop, it hurts, I tried everything but failed, now I can’t stop thinking about sexual thoughts, normal ones but still, I worry about everyday, it becomes real,

My trauma made me into a monster and I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so depressed, I want to die already, I cannot live to hurt anything or just like this, its hopeless, I ruined everything I cared about and my life, no one else to blame but myself for this, because of what I’ve seen and making my brain think its normal, making me hypersexual,

I want surgery to remove my vagina, to remove my need for sex in my brain, and ECT or implants to remove my sexual trauma, if not I’ll consider ending my own life, I cannot live to hurt others, I hate sexual attraction so much, I regret everything,

Please help, I cannot do this anymore, I don’t have money, I don’t know how my parents will react, I don’t know if they have the money,

I want it out of me, I beg, my life is nothing but pain to others, I want surgery, I don’t want to be selfish anymore,

So I don't know much is this related here, but well.. here's the story..

So it started like a week or two ago, my girlfriend (whom I love more than anything, don't misunderstand) drew a clown. For context shes an artist, and learn's in an artist school. So she drew a clown, pretty detailed, Male clown in his 20's, not the typical clown, he had THAT look in his face, had a jester hat on, an interesting pattern shirt, boots, and so on. So the thing is, I'm a jelaous person, and I immediately started question it, where she got the idea from, why is it so detailed, etc.. Well, surely I didn't expect what was about to come. When she went out of the room, I started to analyze and stare at the drawing, and I saw something in it.. somthing similar. In the following days, I was thinking about that drawing non-stop, started to subconsciously daydream, look at its picture, etc, and as much as I didn't want to (I still don't) wanted to admit it, I pretty much think I have started developing feelings towards a drewing.. I'm a male. The clown is also a male. I love my girlfriend, that's not the point, I love her more than anything, but that drawing has something special in it. Yesterday I was with my girlfriend at their house, and I literally stared at the drawing for a solid 4-5 minutes, and I literally turned red. My girlfriend noticed it, and started jokingly asking questions, well let's just say intimate questions, about what would the clown do to me, or what would I do to him. I buried my pepper red face in the sheets, it was quite obvious I was emberassed. Really, really emberassed, because the fantasies kicked in, and I couldn't hold it back. She literally drew me and the clown together, doing "stuff", don't think of anything serious, just the usual couple stuff, and a little intimacy, and as much as I hate to say it, I liked it.. Very much.. And as much as I hate to say also, the feelings I developed are the same feelings I have towards my girlfriend. I wouldn't cheat on her, never for anything, nor would I leave her for anyone or anything.. what's my problem?

I know this goes against of a lot of BPD stereotypes online but hear me out. I don't realy feel there are FP'S but these "FP'S" are just a supply for the ego of an undiagosed person with NPD that it is tied to a fear of being abandoned. Like you obsess over 1 person because they fuel your ego and needs and what them to comeback? I feel like you just push them away so you can see them come back to feel important.

I say this from the perspective of having both with ASPD traits. Atleast for me anyone I gravitate towards I don't think they are perfect at all but I have the unhealthy obsession to them. But I can toss them aside and not want them to chase.

It was just a thing on my mind and I curious on other people with BPD opinions on this as I know this goes against a lot of the culture online.

I have horrifically bad anxiety and depression. If i dont take medicine i become a crying wreck on the floor. However even with my medicine i am miserable and constantly annoyed by anxiety and nothing seems to be working.

Ive been taking tons of different types of medicine, nothing has done enough.

Ive done therapy, that didnt work either.

the medical system is too slow and too cautious to make any progress, and emergency psychological care is worthless because they cant do anything.

What is there left for me to do?

Like, pretty much about anything and everything. The election results? Whatever. A tragic incident on the news? Meh. Being sent to the hospital? Okay.

Earlier this year I was kicked out of the room I was staying in due to non-payment, and I became homeless for pretty much 5 months. Homeless as in, out on the streets and nowhere to go at night. When I lost my job, I kind of just didn't care. The day I got kicked out, it didn't really phase me.

It was weird because years ago, I was such a sensitive person who would always be called out for being overly emotional and stuff like that. Now, I hear about all sorts of bad stuff on line and on the news and I just don't feel anything. I kind of feel like nothing really matters anymore.

These things, these tragedies that we experience, I've been beginning to see them as commonplace in a society like ours. A lot of these problems won't go away and will never just disappear. Therefore, whenever I see it happen or whenever I'm victim to a tragedy, I kind of just don't care. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hello ,as the title says , my mom wont let me go to therapy . I personally understand why she would think i dont have anything cause im scared to tell her ,she gets angry really easily and screams + im just a weird 14 yr old girl . Belive me ive done as much reasearch as needed ive self diagnosed with bpd and adhd(the bpd i believe was a side efect of the adhd) , ive shown serious symptoms since i was very young . I dont know what to do cause my mom always says "youre fine you dont have any problems cause youre just a child you CANT HAVE problems" . Ive went on every website possible and even took tests that some people said were used by REAL therapists. Please help me cause i dont know what to do anymore and i dont know if i can trust the school councerlour cause she might tell my mom.

they were not happy to see me. I had intense pain in my groin area (i'm a package handler) and after i pulled something this warm fluid like sensation came down around my thighs and it triggered a panic attack. i've not seen a doctor in over a year due to my severe depression/anxiety. I also work nights in a warehouse so I'm always sleeping. I thought it was the worst and just my body's way of getting back at me. i know i was in the wrong and that i shouldn't have went to the ER over that type of pain but I was in such shock and pain I didn't know what else to do. My doctor treated me with contempt as if he was just saying "why are you here?" in his head the whole time.

just venting bc now i feel suicidal because I can't help myself. never been able to help myself. it's like im completely disabled.

Hi. Throwaway. I have "classic"/social/homebound agoraphobia, MDD, bipolar disorder type 1, social and general anxiety.

I really can't do much of anything anymore. I feel like a massive leech. No matter how many times I get reassured by the people around me, I wish I could do more. At the bare minimum have any sort of income would be nice.

Living off of other people always leads me in this paranoid loop that I'm hated more than I am loved. That people are lovey on the outside, but on the inside they think I'd be better off gone.

I have tried applying for disability income, but was denied. Like I was lying about it or something. That or the people in power have a fundamental lack of understanding when it comes to mental health problems. After being denied after fighting for years for help has made me cynical, paranoid, isolated, and makes me feel hated. Like the general consensus is that people believe I'm better off dead than living of the government.

I neglect my own self care and it has its effects on me. I won't discuss specifics as i don't want to trigger others.

My nightmares have gotten so much worse. I have been going through various med changes to no avail as of yet. I get stuck in these nightmares, it is the worse type of lucid dreaming. I feel it to some degree. The vibration of my throat as I yell, the heat or lack thereof, the emotions, hell even the texture of the environments nowadays. I'm awake for days at a time out of fear of sleeping. My nightmares are like I'm living a separate life from my waking life.

However, I have tried taking a semi-stoic approach on life. I'm not living for myself anymore, I'm living for the people around me. As sad as that may seem, it gives me a little more purpose in life. Seneca, a philosopher said, "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." It's a quote I live by. I try to remain courageous against the call of the void so that the people around me can live easier in the regard of me continuing to live, despite everything.

"As long as you live, keep learning how to live."

That's all I can do for now. For people in similar boats as me, I'm sure you have thought that living for others rather than yourself is depressing. All I can say is it works for me.

Keep fighting. Keep being courageous. Keep learning. Spit into the call of the void, spit in the face of your demons and press on. Someone out there cares about you and loves you. Even if you are alone now, you will find someone. Live to spite the demons you may deal with. Hang in there.

She was my close friend. And I have no feelings for her because I have already a feeling with a different girl. She and I are very close, we talked naughty sometimes. She have a boyfriend. I was sexually attracted to her after sometimes but I didn't tell her. One day me and my friends are in a wedding ceremony. Then we played truth and dare. Someone asked her whom would you makeout. She said my name first. After it is over we slept there in a hall room. Everyone are there but she slept beside me. And then I tell her can I touch your boobs in jokingly manner. She said no. Again and again I told her but still she said no and said if you do again I will tell it to my bf. After that I didn't do anything and slept with regret. In next morning I said her sorry manytimes and what I do was completely wrong. So please forgive me. She said ok I will not tell anyone about this. Then afterwards we are still good friends for 6 months. Then after 6 months she and I had a small fight. Then all of a sudden she blocked me everywhere and she told the incident to her boyfriend. I was feeling very bad after that. And one day she told to my friends also. They have said me so much bad things about me, my family, loved ones everything. I feel so bad after hearing all this. I am feeling so guilty that I went to railway line to suicide. But I can't because my mom will be broken then. What should I do now please someone help me. I am not that much bad. One mistake in my life make me feel so bad. I am dying everyday little by little no one knows.

My brother recently shared a document with me containing some short stories he wrote. He tells me it’s for fun and mostly a joke, but I’m not sure.

Here’s one of the short stories:

“You really are a bad guy,” said the small candy woman. Rick's very soul filled with rage as he grabbed the small candy woman. He grabbed her skull with his massive hands and squeezed his fist. The small candy woman started to thrash around as the intense pressure of Rick’s grip on her head became too much. Screams turned to gurgles as Rick slowly increased the pressure of his grip. Soon enough, snapping sounds could be heard as the small candy woman’s jaw separated from her skull. Rick’s hands soon became splintered with bone fragments as the crushing intensified. The thrashing increased until an audible snap was heard, and the candy woman’s body dangled lifelessly from Rick’s hand. The small candy woman was no more. That however, did not stop Rick. He kept squeezing until the brains and gray matter of his victim started to slide out in between the cracks of his fingers as a thick reddish-purple paste. He started to smash the body into the ground with his ginormous fists. He smashed and smashed until the small candy woman was no more than a puddle of jumbled organs and blood. Rick thought to himself, “I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good and that’s not bad. There’s no one I'd rather be… than me.” As he began to consume the entrails of small candy woman.

This is just one of them. I know that the story is obviously absurd and meant to be taken that way, but it’s just a little eerie to read some of his disturbing stories.

Should I talk to him about this? Should he seek help?

I can not wrap my mind around why I am suddenly struggling with intense suicidal ideations again after I was fine for 2 years. My entire life, since 6 years old, I have always wished death upon myself. And I sit in this overwhelming depressive state where I just want nothing more than to die.

2 years ago I took shrooms and my suicidal thoughts dissappeared!! Literally gone. And I remained mentally stable for the entire time.

Now I am on a rollercoaster all over again and currently stuck in a massive depression episode. If there was a word for more than depression I'd use it. I can do nothing sometimes besides hysterically cry and feel this deep sadness where I long to just escape it all. I don't want to keep living like this. I am finding myself disappearing into the bathroom at work to cry because I can not hold myself together. I don't even work long shifts. I work 4 hr shifts and I can not handle it. Then I wake up one day and everything feels fine again. Something small may set me off into another depressive episode. It's unpredictable.

Why was I fine for 2 years??

I don't know exactly when this all started back up but it feels so disgustingly familiar. I thought I had finally escaped my suicidal thoughts and they were gone forever. I thought I finally pushed away this dark cloud that was held above me. And all the rage and frustration that comes right with it. I don't know what's going on or why I can't be normal. I don't understand. I feel cursed.