ex (33m) and i (28f) broke up in february. we broke no contact in april. we met up several times, mostly him initiating, and he told me several times how much he loves me deeply. (While fucking other chicks of my ethnicity lol)

he wanted to celebrate my bday together in april. he showed up over an hour late, no explanation, no notice, other than he’s just “grumpy.” (This is his classic cold spell in the hot and cold, ladies n gent.) date proceeded, where he knelt to the ground and proposed to me as a…joke. At the time i played along w it but god damn that was so reckless to my feelings after his avoidant ass broke up w me to “find his freedom.”

Couple days later, my friend found his hinge profile, where he used a really good photo i took of him on my birthday. I found this hella disrespectful and called him out on it. This was the final straw for me. He apologized for not being considerate, took the picture down. His hinge prompt also said he’s ready to fall hard for literally anything and anyone. (….tf?)

Yesterday was his bday, I didn’t wish him hbd. It was hard, not gonna lie, since we originally planned on celebrating together (what was i thinking)

then this morning, received a text from him at 6am, asking if we can get breakfast at our usual spot, followed by “never mind im sorry i tried to unsend” he also said he was waiting by his phone to get a happy birthday text from me. Breadcrumber.

I can’t with this hot and cold. It’s hurtful, confusing, selfish, and no contact is so necessary. Lets stop giving access to our heart and energy to someone who hurts us over and over.

As the title indicates, I returned to the city where I graduated for a vacation, only to receive a message from my ex on Grindr (he still lives there). I chose not to respond, and he proceeded to block me.

We were together for nearly two years, but I was always more emotionally invested than he was. After he ended things and quickly moved on, I've been struggling with the breakup, especially since he reached out to me twice on Instagram over the years, both times declining his request to reconnect.

I'm still deeply hurt and grieving the breakup (even after four years) as he was my first love and boyfriend. Compounded with my ongoing mental health struggles, therapy has revealed that I'm dealing with attachment issues as well.

Now, I find myself in bed, crying and trying to reassure myself that I made the right choice, but the pain feels as fresh as the day he broke up with me.

I just needed to vent and see if anyone else has experienced something similar :(

(Sorry for my English, not my first language)

I'm not sure if this is good news or bad news. In fact that's partly why I'm here, to ask you guys.

A new Uniqlo store opened in my city yesterday. This evening I thought fuck it, I'll head along and have a look because why not? Part of me is already thinking there's a chance I might bump into my ex, but I don't rely on it.

I walk along the main street towards the store. First I walk past two of his friends, they don't notice me and I keep walking on. I turn my head back and they've suddenly stopped walking and are standing there staring at me. One is holding their phone out, as if to take a picture, perhaps of me? I keep walking and ignore it.

About 30 seconds later, I walk past my ex. What the fuck, am I dreaming right now? He's with a friend. He's talking to her. He doesn't notice me but I make eye contact with his friend who may or may not recognise me as we weren't that well acquainted. Again, I keep walking as if nothing happened.

About 30 seconds later I arrive at the Uniqlo store and decide fuck it, I can't even be bothered anymore. I'm not even in the mood after seeing my ex. I turn around and head back towards where I came from - I assume my ex and his friend have kept on walking in the direction they were walking. Except, they hadn't. I walk for a few seconds and all of a sudden I see him and his friend stood looking around as if they're searching for something. We suddenly lock eyes and I immediately turn around and start walking in the other direction in a panic.

This is where it gets weird.

I turn my head back and they're still looking at me. They start to cross the road. They're still looking in my direction. They are now on the opposite side of the street and are staring directly at me. I am trying to ignore it but occasionally glance back to check if they're still looking. Eventually I decide, fuck it, I'm going to make my presence known. I aggressively wave to them. My ex waves back! What do you know, he's not as mad as I thought he was!

I hang around a bit outside the store and then decide to cross the street trying to process what just happened. About 5 minutes later, I see my ex from afar heading towards the Uniqlo store. He is walking with a sense of urgency and as he walks past the window of the store he turns his head and peers through the window as if he's searching for something.

My immediate thought is that he must be looking for me. I ponder about this for a few seconds as I don't want to make any assumptions and end up looking like a stalker if I decide to enter the store and see him again. I choose to trust my instinct. I walk inside the store and look around. Before you know it, I'm standing a few meters away from him while he's facing the other direction waiting in line for the fitting rooms. Holy shit, what do I do? This is creepy of me. Maybe he's not looking for me after all. I almost decide to leave the store but something tells me to stay and pretend to look at the clothes. I hang around there for a bit and before you know it he's come out of the fitting rooms and is tapping me on the shoulder.

Woah, this is weird. We both look at each other and smile with a warming sense of familiarity. He asks me if I'm just having a browse or if I saw him come in here. I am honest with him and tell him I saw him go in on his own and I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk. I clarify I wasn't stalking him, although in retrospect this detail was probably unnecessary 😂

He seems to appreciate the honesty. The awkwardness of the situation seems to drag out a smile on our faces. We continue to chat for almost an hour and he says we should meet for coffee.

I'll try not to be too hopeful but from what it seems this is promising. Setting the things he needs to apologise for aside for now.

My ex broke up with me over a month ago. He broke up with me “impulsively” and that “I made him do it”. I begged him the next day to reconsider but he just pushed me away. I went out with my friends and there was a guy present. He saw my story and got really upset and tried coming back the next day. When I told him there was a guy present he got mad and officially broke up with me. We met up in person that weekend and gave our stuff back to each other. I unfortunately begged him again to stay to which he said no to.

We kept talking on and off fighting about the break up and he said he wasn’t sure about what he wants. I said let’s go on a no contact break. I honestly thought he was going to miss me and come back after the break but he just told me he wants nothing to do with me and that he wants to be friends.

I got in my feels and begged him more and he ignored my texts. The following weekend I messaged him again to try again and meet up but he just told me he hates me and doesn’t want to date. I took it as a sign because he was really hurtful.

The main reason we broke up was because he accused me of cheating with a guy I had blocked 2 years ago as per his wishes. On Wednesday I did something stupid. I texted the guy asking if we ever did anything etc and collected proof that I never cheated on him.

My ex didn’t believe it and said it changed nothing for him and that he wants me to go away and not speak to him. I blocked and unblocked him and I think he realised to which he removed me on snap and insta but didn’t block me. His best friend says he just wants me to focus on myself and maybe in the future something will happen.

Today I see his following went up and it seems he may be talking to someone. I just want to die.

I found out that ignoring someone causes the same chemicals that being physically injured. I've learned that generally as long as it's safe I will tell someone hey, you're not my cup of tea I'd like to not speak anymore. Sounds bad vur with some cases it's warranted. People who dip in and out, are they enjoying it?, Friends told me they s/o when doing this didn't block read every message just ignored. It's uncomfortable and I personally don't understand it. That's my rant

can you please tell me you hate me? or that im a piece of shit or you just never actually liked me romatically or you were with me cause you were just bored? because you made me fucking believe that you really gave a shit about me and that I was worth something to someone in a way i never thought i could be. You kept saying wonderful things and then on the last fucking day you said you weren't in the headspace to date. over fucking text. and i hate myself because 4 months later i still care about you and cant seem to stop. please just let me know you never meant any of it because it hurts more thinking you did care but that just not being enough.

i realize im a bit incoherent, thanks for letting me rant. I just dont know what to do at this point.

Earlier this week I found out my ex who is also my child’s father has a new girlfriend. I am extremely heartbroken by this news and completely went no contact with him unless it’s about our daughter. A few days later he sends me a text saying “How are you feeling?” Why does he care about how I am feeling if he is in a new relationship? What does him knowing how I feel do for him?

so a few days ago i reached two months of NC. the feelings have been very overwhelming recently and i had a really bad meltdown a couple of days ago, inflicting forms on pain on myself and all. i’m really sad i let myself get to that point but everything came crashing down and i realized at that moment that what happened was a real trauma and it was actively interfering with my life as i’m on the being of failing one of my college courses. luckily i had some people to call to help calm me down and put me on a better path, but that was rough.

i’ve also recently realized that this situation has led me to no longer trust myself. my story is pinned so if you wanna read it you can get context of what happened to make me not trust myself, but realizing that breaks my heart. i have a hard time differing what’s real and what’s not. when i had my intuitive feelings with him and i addressed it and he lied and tried to make it seem like everything was fine, while also saying passive aggressive things that would invoke my anxiety about what my gut was telling me, it was that much more of a stab when he came clean on a random 3am morning with what i had been suspecting and trying to pry out of him all along. because i neglected my intuition and what my body was making me physically sick trying to tell me. i wanted to believe in him being a good person who’d never hurt me so badly that i ended up losing trust and belief in myself. and because he did such a fast 180 switch in how he treated me i have a hard time differentiating which version of him was real. was the amazing gentleman i knew in the beginning ever real? were any of the amazing memories we shared real? did he ever truly care about me? was i just being delusional the entire time? or is the cold version the real version, and if so, how does one have the ability to mask like that? throughout the time we dealt with each other as well he’d always insinuate i was crazy and delusional, so much so that i started to actually believe it and take on those character traits. he would always say stuff to me and when i didn’t recall what he was talking about because we never spoke about it or he was using overly confusing language, he would always tell me that what he said happened has happened or what he said that i’ve said, i have said. he would reiterate how bad of a memory i had and that’s why i never know what he’s talking about. that, and the fact that he believed i wasn’t as “mentally developed” as him. all this stuff is really making me struggle with trusting myself with literally everything, and i mean everything. i don’t know which parts of myself are real and what’s not. am i really all of those things or is that a lie? i truly don’t know anymore. i hate that i allowed myself to be manipulated like this and it makes me feel like a big dumbass but now, there’s nothing i can do but try to deal and heal from it.

that’s a little update and what i’ve struggled with recently. cheers to 2 months, a lifetime to go 🥂

She broke no contact after 10 or so days, only to have the most casual conversation about a mutual friend… It wasn’t even a big deal what happened to this friend, she could’ve asked them herself. I thought she was just finding a reason to talk about something. We chatted for a day, then the next day she just didn’t respond / opened the message. I’d have to say I’m pretty confused and down. :( does she already just not care this much, to be able to talk to me that casually after things left off with saying she still has feelings for me, and now feel absolutely nothing?

From my experience with breakups whenever I block them I would just focus way too much on the thought of what they could’ve possibly messaged or I would just be afraid that I myself would text them or respond . You end up caring too much . The truth is blocking doesn’t stop or help anything at all. I notice when I just let it be no blocking and just ignore them it was a little easier for me. And it really challenges you to stand on your decision. Don’t run face it and have discipline and it will get easier. This does not apply to abusive relationships

I miss him in some ways, I miss our connection, the way he made me feel, and the cute conversations we had.

But why was I so obsessed with everything he did? Why did I put him on a pedestal and love everything about him? Why did I focus on his hobbies and interests so much I lost who I was myself?

Why was I even considering moving country to be with him? I’m actually glad he ended it bc I was just blinded by love but now I see it more objectively. He wasn’t actually that perfect. I just forgot who I was. Thank god for no contact

He broke up with me 3 weeks ago almost. We have been completely no contact since the breakup. He has an electric drum kit of mine and I’m wondering if he’ll ever give it back… Why do you think he hasn’t yet? It’s just annoying me to be honest.

It's not solely because of her but it's part of it.

Nothing in my life is working out, meanwhile everything seems to be going well for her. I'm so pathetic. I'm putting in an effort to work on myself and I'm not seeing any improvements.

Just out of curiosity. Haven’t seen a poll in a while

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And I want it only with my ex, who has broken trust through his avoidant attachment but also has been the only person in my life I’ve felt 100% safe with. I’m 36F with CPTSD. I just can’t open up with anyone else again.

has anybody else’s self esteem/confidence literally plummeted since the break up? mine is terrible right now. I’m having a hard time picking myself back up.

9 months ago I went through a bad breakup with the mother of my child. She stopped me from seeing my child long before that .

I eventually threatened court and got to see my kid . She brung her friend as support. Over the months me and the friend grew closer . She’s beautiful and has a beautiful personality .

I don’t think I have feelings for her but at the same time I think I do . Today the mother of my child messaged me asking about her friend , she told me that her other friend told her that her ( the woman I grew close with ) told her other friend that likes me.

My child’s mother spammed me confessing she still thinks about me and everything and I’m always in the back of her mind . Of course I declined everything . She told me to cut her friend off or she ( her friend I’m close with ) won’t be seeing our child anymore.

I talked to the friend who denied saying she liked me and we agreed on not talking anymore . I know I won the break up because she wants me but I wish I never won at all.

Her friend was so different compared to my child’s mother. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

He was my first boyfriend ever, he made me feel very loved for the first time in my life, and I felt so comforted around him. He treated me well, but then he started changing, he got distant and seemed annoyed by me, and then after 2 months, he broke up with me. We never argued or disagreed, we never talked about his concerns. He just left. He said he was not not ready for a relationship bcz of his depression and he couldn't do this whole love thing. I was really upset, but nice and accepting of the breakup to him, but I blocked him the next day bcz I couldn't stand it. He never contacted me again- I know I blocked him but part of me feels like if he really cared he would reach out but he never did. I had so many questions I wish I asked.

2 months later he had a new gf, and he posted her all over social media, of them kissing and him taking her to the places he told me he was going to take me. I thought he was trying to get a reaction out of me which hurt me even more because what did I ever do to him?? It just proved to me he was lying and that I was the reason he broke up. She also looks like me, and she's not a bad girl. She also does makeup and dresses more girly than me, I can see how on a surface level she is easier to show off to his friends. She also has a youtube channel and posts a lot so its hard to not look, she just seems to do more than me to so I can see why he likes her. He also has a tiktok account where he reposts a lot, I can't stop looking at it. He posts a lot of depression videos that make me feel bad for him, and then videos I think are sometimes referencing me, I believe he missed me after I blocked him and had regrets but instead of telling them to me, he just treated his new girlfriend better. It's like he was projecting our relationship onto her and telling her what he wanted to tell me which makes me hate him so fing much, and it's so unfair bcz I never got to know if he regretted it or not, for all I know he never talked to me again and didn't give a rats a*s about me. I believe he secretly misses me and sees me in her, and then I spiral. I find it so unfair how he got everything he wanted after doing this to me. I feel like I was just his lesson to make him better for the next girl, I hate him and I hate how he got what he wanted after treating me like that. I didn't get closure and I didn't get to move on, but this h*e gets his fairy tale after treating me like that?? Wth

It's been 16 months and I'm still not over him, I feel like no one is going to love me and I waisted myself on someone but I can't get over him. This has been making my depression worse.

What should I do?

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Me (34F) and my ex (34M) have been broken up for 10 years! He will not allow me to forget about his existence.

We got together as teenagers. We began dating at 16 and we’re together for 7 years. We were each others first everything. We grew up together. After high school, I had problems at home so I moved in with him and his family. As you can imagine, we were young and trying to play house. We found ourselves in adult situations very quickly. I found myself working a very high paying job (for my age) and when I got pregnant, ultimately I knew that it would be best to terminate. Over time, as young people do, we became different people with different goals. We fought a lot and I ended up moving back home with my parents. We were on and off for a majority of the end of our relationship. A year before we called it quits for good, I found out he was sleeping with my best friend. It was a horrible thing to experience considering the day I found out she had just slept over my house. As stupid kids, (even at 22-23) this boy ping ponged back and forth between us. We both fought over this boy trying to win him. A year goes by with us fighting over this kid and I find out he got my ex best friend pregnant. She decided to keep the baby.

At that point, because a child was involved, I decided to cut all contact with him. She spent the next year harassing me and calling me non stop every time she felt he was cheating on her. Finally I told her to stop calling me. That she wouldn’t have to worry about me taking him back. However, my anger got the best of me and I told her that she laid down with a guy who was unfaithful to his long term girlfriend. What could she expect. I told her the karma from what you done will be you always thinking he’s cheating on you. Additionally, I told her I was his first love. His first everything. No matter how many years pass he will always look for me. I blocked her.

Since then every year he has tried contacting me. I have blocked so many phone numbers and social media accounts but he keeps making new ones. When I moved back to town he showed up at my parents house and I wouldn’t come to the door. A year ago he tried messaging me and when I asked him what he wanted, his now wife (yes they ended up getting married and have 5 kids) accused me of trying to homewreck their relationship. His family started messaging me acting like I was the one trying to talk to him. To this day he views every single one of my Instagram stories. Likes and unlikes my pictures. Calls and hangs up.

It’s been 10 years and it just sucks to think how his actions led us here. That’s all just wanted to vent.

A year and a half broken up. 9 months of no contact. I am still completely and utterly dead inside. It doesn't matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, I am always consumed by either deep sadness, or crippling anger. Diving into work hasn't helped, hobbies haven't helped, time with friends and family only distracts for minute amounts of time.

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I can't even begin to describe the downfall of the relationship in the first place. It leaves me in tears every day thinking about how badly we hurt each other despite how much we loved each other. We tried, and we tried, and we tried, but we kept fucking up, both ways. I made so many awful mistakes that I am never going to forgive myself for. Without going into too much detail, I am so full of rage towards the universe for dealing us a fucking shit hand when we were at our peak. When we were so in love and happy. And then it all collapsed, just like everything joyful in my life does.

I just don't feel anything. I've tried to get back out there. I've been on more first dates in the last year than most people have probably been in their entire lives. Some hookups here and there. They mean nothing. They are nothing. None of them are her. They can never be her, they can never mean what she meant to me, all they're good for is a temporary distraction to forget about the gaping void in my heart. How? How am I supposed to go on and live in a world apart from my person? In a world where she will inevitably find love again, and spend her life with them instead? I have zero desire to exist in that world, one where I am all alone on top of that. I just don't understand how you can love somebody and have to move on, how you're supposed to try and start all over again with some random person. I just don't want anybody else. I never will. She was my person, and there's nobody else that can be that for me.

Compounding the frustration is the endless amounts of dreadful treatments and therapies that don't do anything. I have tried damn near everything. Talk therapy is meaningless, even with the therapist I've seen for countless years now. The inpatient and outpatient program I got trapped in only showed me that some people have it even worse mentally. TMS, Biofeedback, medication after medication, nothing makes me see things different, nothing helps me find any sort of contentment. And to think I carry so much responsibility for getting myself trapped here in the first place. Fuck depression, and fuck BPD.

Wake up, go to my unhelpful mental health treatments, go to work, go home, play video games or workout, go to sleep, repeat ad nauseam until I get to briefly distract myself by drinking with friends on weekends. I used to have a life and future I wanted more than anything. Now there's nothing but a pitch black future and a life I have zero interest in continuing. Even if externally everything seems to be going well in my life, it simply isn't. Sure, I'm financially stable, I do have friends and family, and even if they no longer bring me any joy whatsoever, I do at least have hobbies to burn endless time with. What good is any of this external stuff though, when I'm so full of anger and sadness? Living alone for the first time is so abhorrently lonely. There's just no way for me to be happy in light of what I lost. This is all I have to "look forward" to anymore.

Frankly, somebody has to be a realist here; not everybody is going to get over the pain. Not everybody is going to find somebody else that makes them happier. Some people just get left with trauma and suffering that never, ever goes away. Happy endings are for fairy tales and the very, very lucky.

Fuck.

Day 13 of him leaving not NC. I finally blocked him on almost everything. I realized he's already looking for another person and has been seeing others. I'm pretty sure he cheated during our relationship and pushed me away to pursue others. I even asked if we were done and he never gave me a clear answer and when I said I'd like to say goodbye nicely, he ignored me. He didn't block me only ignored my existence on everything. I still have to get my things from our house but I'll wait to heal more first. I already have multiple guys asking for dates but I have to keep saying that I'm healing at the moment. I have no worry that I can't find someone else or someone better. Now, I just think he's stupid. There was nothing wrong with the relationship, he just wanted to sleep around. He was by far one of the ugliest guys I've ever dated and was super gross sometimes. I put up with it because he seemed to really love me and honestly because I didn't have high standards. I don't see why anyone would want to be with him unless he puts that mask back on that he had kept on for years with me. He seemed sweet, sensitive, loyal, affectionate, and loving until he one day flipped like a switch and couldn't care less how I felt, if I was crying, and couldn't stand to look at me. I really am leaning that this is behavioral disorder or something else internal because it was scary how different he became. He became a stranger that has been awful. I pray he doesn't trick anyone else with that mask. He made me feel special until he made me feel like trash. And I'm not trash. I'm amazing and I'm so thankful for my friends and family that remind me of that 💗

he broke up with me. i tried to make things right and offered to work together, he refused.

i told him i will start seeing a therapist. he laughed about it.

i told him i’ll find it hard to detach from him. he said “don’t care”. he blocked me everywhere.

i need some paperwork from his apartment and we talk via email what i need bcs he thinks that if he unblocks me anywhere i’ll start calling him.

he thinks i desperately want him back. i don’t want the current him. i want the sweet boy back that used to hold me tight and used to say “i love you” in his sleep. i don’t want this cruel version of him.

i don’t want to look into his soulless eyes ever again.

i just need the goddamn paperwork. i don’t know how he can accuse me to his friends saying i want to get back with him because i NEED some paperwork. (it’s a contract i signed for work that i have to re-evaluate). grow up

Need to vent… Met boyfriend on Tinder 5 months ago. I’ve (24f) spent every day with him (26m) since then. We have a great relationship, we barely fight, but do have disagreements about politics. He keeps his emotions closed off and so do I. I feel he love bombed me, things were intense and it felt like we were together for years. He was my go-to person, I felt safe.

He got drinks with coworkers on Sunday and asked if I could give him a ride afterwards. I said no because I made plans with my roommate. He says “whatever bye” and hangs up the phone. He didn’t communicate with me for 24 hours after the call and turned off his location. I text him the next day to make sure he’s alive and he says “we should probably take a break”… I ask why and am ignored for another 24 hours. The next day I texted him and he says “I don’t really wanna talk about it, I have a lot to figure out and this is the best thing we should do rn”.

Alright yall, I’ve broken up with a handful of men in the past. I’ve always done it in person. I’ve always told the other person WHY I’m breaking up with them. I feel cheated. I feel too attached. I feel like I’m desperate for an answer I’ll never get.

How do you cope with breakups? Why did he say we should take a “BREAK” instead of actually breaking up with me? I’ve decided to go no contact. I’m sitting here in my apartment crying hysterically after 4 days. I don’t have anything to fill my time and I’m sitting here with racing thoughts about what happened. I was blindsided. What do you do in this situation? It feels like the world is crumbling.

My ex blindsided me and dumped me over the phone out of the blue after eight month anniversary about two months ago now. I’ve moved on since and I’m even talking to somebody now. I thought that my ex also moved on since I hear they are out partying almost almost every night until three in the morning. so I feel like I am in a healthy spot and healing up pretty nicely after everything, but when my boss told me this morning that my ex reached out to her wanting to know how I was doing, and that she wishes she could talk to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. Seriously, who would go to their former partners boss?! How sad is that man? 😂 you all stay strong. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you!

Basically the title, but I’ll also add my story if anyone has more specific advice. Does anyone have experience with how to handle no contact when an ex is someone you work closely with? Advice and personal stories would all be nice. Did you stay friends? Quit? Get back together eventually? And please I don’t need to hear “you should never date a coworker” “it’s your fault for dating a coworker” it’s too late for that, it happened and I’m hurting. I think hearing about what’s after would be more helpful.

My situation/feelings- I’m still in the stage where I wish we could get back together and allowing myself to believe there is absolutely no chance is difficult. It doesn’t feel done yet and a large part of me wants to be friends and hope things start up again one day. I’ve basically been going back and forth with trying not to talk with him/keep my distance and just going up and asking a work question.

Everyone at my job is very close and we do a lot of outside of work activities as well. There’s no way for me to not see him. I’m good at hiding my emotions at work but I go home and cry and I feel like I don’t know how to shake my feelings when I see him every single day. I don’t know if doing no contact is even the right thing in this scenario. Is this a situation where it’s not a good idea?

He sort of blindsided me about not wanting to continue us and wouldn’t talk with me about it. I attempted and he completely shut down. It was a side of him I’d never seen and it hurt to know the suggestion of talking about it hurt him so much. He was completely normal and we’d laugh and flirt but if I attempted to talk about us he’d go silent and struggle to look at me.

I believe he’s got an avoidant attachment style and just got spooked with the pace of the relationship and opening up too soon. It all happened right after he opened up a little. He’s also very introverted and quiet so talking wasn’t really his thing to begin with. I’ve realized that I was the only person he talked to at work so it’s been hard to see him not included in things now and I’ve been secretly suggesting to people to include him or teach him something.

While we saw each other he kept being worried about if we didn’t work out, like more than a person would normally worry about it and I always said it would be okay so now I feel a sense of responsibility to be normal and act like nothing happened. I don’t want to go against my word, but the thought of settling for friendship hurts and I’m lost on what the right thing to do is.

So for context me and my ex had been with eachother for years, and she was my first girlfriend. After years of being with her we had or rough points mainly due to my drinking, but we were able to work it out. I eventually started becoming more angry around her and started giving her some attitude which isn’t like me at all. I started to see that maybe my relationship with them could end up like my dad and stepmoms, and I was scared off that. It wasn’t their fault at all tho, they were and still are the sweetest person I know. I have a lot of trauma that I’m dealing with, and am making the efforts to change with things like therapy and starting to take antidepressants. The only red flag in the relationship was that we’d get jealous if the other hung out with someone of the opposite sex.

When we broke up at the time I was friends with someone who my ex was worried off. But I told them not to worry about them. When I broke up with them they told me that if they found out that If I have sex with them, before or after the brake up to never reach out to them. A month after me and that friend got drunk and fooled around and it happened more Then once. I felt so much shame and guilt that I stopped talking to that friend all together. And after being away from that friend I started to see that they played me. They had always told me with hesitation to leave my ex. But I can’t blame anyone but myself. And I hate myself for it. And I wish I could change it, everyday I think of how I wish I could go back and change things but I did what I did and I take full responsibility for it.

Lately they’ve been everywhere. In my dream, in my thoughts, even my family mentions them. And earlier this week I had saw them in public. But I didn’t walk up to them. And left the store immediately. I want to reacout to them and I just want to have them in my life whether it romantic or not. Do I deserve them back? Please be blunt.

My ex who is in a new relationship wants to come to my graduation. We broke up from him not having too much time not really no beef. But I was super heartbroken about it but I had to know my worth and leave.

We did no contact for a few months but we got in contact for closure etc. moving forward we speak here and there about things like my new career, and stuff i was doing while we were together. We was together 2 years.

We talk from time to time but just the other day he said his gf was insecure about us still speaking (because i texted about a job he asked about) and it’s strictly platonic really but I get . He even asks me for advice about her 😭 which Is so weird sometimes 😭😭

but I told him since he brought it to my attention he shouldn’t come. But he still wants too.

What’s yall thoughts on it?