I moved across the country to start grad school. I thought it would be easy and I could just figure out how to make friends and build community. The problem is that the way it happened before in both highschool and undergrad is that people came up to me and invited me to stuff. I also had my bf there as a friend, I don't have that anymore. Grad school is so individual, I have 3 hour classes where we talk twice a week, but other than that, we don't really meet. There are different academic events I could go to, but I have so much work that I have no time to go to anything. I'm also in the PhD track so I have a separate office from the cubicles that the MA students have, so there is even less time interacting with them.

I'll also say, even though it might be sort of pathetic, but I have all of the other students numbers in my cohort. I just don't know how to talk to someone to even begin to become friends. Like I'm not even sure how to ask someone to hangout outside of classes.

There are so many people who bully others...what will they get by bullying? Why do a person gain pleasure by putting others down? Why does it happen to me? By my family, by my friends, I don't understand...mentally the person gets broken. Why do these people enjoy to kill from inside? Do they don't like me? Then say it upfront. I will get distant with you from millions of kilometers. Why keep torchering me with toxic behaviour? If u had bullied someone please tell me why.

Idk why people on this app be so unnecessarily aggressive and rude it is crazy … I guess cause majority don’t show their identity

I think I’m a social outcast according to urban dictionary- someone who doesn't belong in his main social area (work, school, the street) Has only a few friends, but usually doesn't really hang out with them. Someone who is told by his betters that he has wisdom beyond his years, but his peers make fun of him for it. He's a little insane, after all, humans are social creatures. But his heart is mature, calm and kind. He never really does anything big for himself, and most of the things he does are for other people. He's just misunderstood, and people hate him for no reason. He's usually the victim of every negative stereotype and rumor.

I am 16 and I have a few friends that I have put together to create a friend group but other people outside of the group seems to see me as a weird kid and I get a lot of people saying You get no bitches and I don’t really mind but now it’s getting to me that I might be socially awkward or a social outcast

My friend is getting married soon and everytime she brings up details of her future spouse and wedding planning I have no idea how to show I'm genuinely happy for them

I'm actually so happy for her and wish the absolute best for her because she is one of the nicest/kindest person I've met recently

I just don't know how to convey genuine happiness, I feel like saying stuff that everyone says like "omg I'm so happy for you" feels kinda fake because everyone says that but really just saying it out of social habit

However, since i dont know how to convey my happiness, I kind of stay quite but realized that may give the wrong impression like seeming I'm not happy for them, which is the complete opposite of what I'm actually feeling

Dilemma is that I feel too cringe for just saying fake stuff that everyone says like "I'm happy for you" and also look mean if I don't say anything

I know intonation can make a difference in sounding genuine, but I'm kinda monotonous which makes it every harder to show my genuine happiness 💀

Hey all, just had a discussion with my mother about my childhood. I’ve always been afraid to say what’s on my mind to my family since everyone’s significantly older than me. I’ve been called nasty things by my siblings since I was a kid. (Burden, brat, spoiled, weak, bitch, lost cause, etc.) For context, the age gaps between my siblings are 8, 10 and 12 years. (Was I a mistake?) Growing up, I was always an errand boy, had to do chores while my other siblings did absolutely nothing. Often my siblings would watch me do things my mom told me to do, and she’d never ask them to do anything. She said it’s supposed to be a honor to be her servant? (Not her literal words)

Upon thinking during the last few years while I’ve been living away from home (thank goodness), I drew parallels from that part of my childhood and my borderline extreme people pleasing behaviours and realized that that’s where it stems from. I have low self esteem and lots of social anxiety as I grew up isolated from the rest of my family as they were all adults when I was a kid. Wasn’t really socialized, nor do I know any of my cousins, and unfortunately I was raised by the Internet. I’m 21, and I’m driven to make a change because I can’t stand living life like this anymore. There’s a whole host of things I know I need to unlearn. How should I go about undoing this people pleaser mentality? I brainstormed moving out, CBT, mindfulness, counselling, etc. I’m in university and I am B R O K E, but I live in Canada land so MH resources are cheaper but I’d have a long wait time. All success/work in progress stories are welcome as those are always helpful as well.

I’m in college and there’s this girl in my choir class that I’ve interacted with maybe two or three times tops. Today in class was a little strange: I was sitting on the second row today unlike my normal third row seat so I could hear the other people in my section and I happened to be sitting in the same row as her across the room. I kid you not literally every time the director stopped us to give notes I caught her looking at me. I have like giga-autism so I miss a lot of social cues but I know that normally people don’t stare at someone for no reason.

I don’t like my current city (New York) and I work full time from home. The thing is, I really dislike the wide majority of men I meet sometimes, especially online.

Im currently in my 30’s and I have autism. So my patience with people has been gotten to a minimum ever since covid.

My family has gotten worried about me because I’ve pretty much made the claim I don’t want to make friends or socialize. My biggest goal is eventually buying a home. But things have gotten so expensive here that I feel demotivated.

I’ve spoken to three different therapists and they have all told me it’s fine I don’t want to socialize.

I feel like I might be autistic but I’m not sure because I struggle quite a bit socially but don’t have many other signs of it. The main one is I really struggle holding a conversation with ANYONE, and a lot of the time I don’t even want to be talking if it’s with close friends or family. For as long as I can remember I would interact with people in short sentences but never really try to engage in a conversation. Like I’d tell coworkers I really like a certain music artist they had mentioned and then I’d stop talking. I really only keep a conversation going if it’s something I’m very interested in. 95% of the dialogue between my friends my entire life have been making random jokes and quips with rarely any actual discussion happening.

I really didn’t realize communicating like this was different until about last summer when I turned 20. For the first 19 years of my life I straight up did not realize that basically everyone else could just have a conversation on the spot and keep it going. This realization led me to develop pretty bad social anxiety for about 8 months. Since then I got help at an outpatient program and the anxiety is mostly gone, but I still struggle to hold a conversation with my closest friends and family and this is making me think I may have autism.

Other potential signs of autism I see in myself are doing basically the same thing each and every day. I wake up and go to my anxiety program, make a chicken sandwich or burger for lunch (rarely anything else) then play overwatch for a few hours before listening to music for the rest of the day. It’s been this way for months now and before that it was a very similar routine. Additionally, I get very upset when a change in my daily plans happens. My roommate had a concert they were playing in that they didn’t tell me until the day of and it ruined my mood for the rest of the night (I still went because I did want to support them).

I feel my social struggles may indicate Autism, but without showing many other signs of it I question if I am or not. What do you guys think?

I’m in my hometown visiting and my friend and I hung out Saturday night I asked to hangout with them today with our kids and she said go hangout with so and so (a mutual friend) then I said I didn’t know what I would do tomorrow and she recommended activities instead of us meeting up… am I overthinking it ? Our boys are friends and haven’t seen each other so I’m confused I feel like my communication was clear but maybe it’s not 😭

why does everything feel uncomfortable all the time? When does life stop feeling uncomfortable? When does it start feeling good?

I really dislike the sound of that. They sound boring and weird. Really awkward sounding. So... how do I stop having one?

So I(17f) have a close best friend, two completely separate small friend groups(middle school friends and highschool friends),the thing that is common with them all is that I share them with my cousin, meaning that through all my middle and high school years my cousin has been sharing my friends and its not really a bad thing, however it has been pissing me off lately because of the current situation;

This month (Ramadan) is religiously and culturally known for gatherings in our culture(you can say thanksgiving but for a whole month) , with that, my friends has been setting dinner invitations and all.My cousin suggested that I host two different gatherings for my two different friend groups and I liked the idea until I told her I that I wanted to invite my best friend for the second gathering since they are closer to my best friend

Disclaimer: My best friend has commitments issues and she doesn’t keep friends around her much only few people that I don’t know much are the exceptions , moreover I understand why my friends don’t feel comfortable with her since they aren’t as close

Anyways I know that my best friend surprisingly like these gatherings alot and she was upset few years ago when she found out she wasn’t invited.

I’m planning to only host the gathering that my best friend wouldn’t be interested in.

My question is; How to I attend all the gatherings without hurting my bestfriend’s feelings, and knowing that these friends aren’t comfortable with her , do I still act like it’s nothing? ( I apologize for any confusing tmi I tend to overshare lol)

I sense that my willingness to be vulnerable with my friends has unintentionally led them to become more distant. I’ve devoted time to self-reflection, which has helped me understand the roots of my shyness and discomfort. This journey of self-discovery encouraged me to openly share my thoughts and feelings. However, I feel that my friends might be skeptical of my unguarded sharing, perhaps finding it unusual or suspicious, as they are not accustomed to expressing themselves in such a candid way. This has created an uncomfortable dynamic where I sense a lack of trust, and it seems to place an unspoken pressure on them to reciprocate with similar openness.

I'm not sure if that my title makes any sense so let me try to explain.

When I was a kid, I was extremely weird and didn't know how to socialize with other kids so I was alone all the time. I still was really socially awkward and weird up to even a few years ago, but I wasn't aware of it at the time. I mean, I was somewhat aware, but it wasn't until hindsight where I was able to realize what specifically I was doing and saying that was cringeworthy.

I WANT to say that I'm much less socially awkward now and better at making friends since I've been going out a lot more and it's a lot easier for me to make friends now than when I was a kid, but because there was a period of my life where I wasn't aware of how cringey I was being, I'm afraid I'm still in that phase now. As in, I'm currently not self aware the extent of my weirdness and social awkwardness. I wish there was a good way to measure this shit but you really just have to ask close friends if they think you're weird or socially cringe.

Is there a way or a right approach to going up to someone and talking to them? Since I've tried many times to do that but when I do I get nervous and look at the ground and then walk away kind of sad looking. Or is there a way to be included in a conversation when your in a group of people since I never really know when there is a right time to talk since I don't want to interrupt someone and even if I do talk I feel like everyone just ignores me so I just stay quite.

I don’t go out of my way to start a conversation with somebody. But when somebody else initiates for me, our conversation always ends up great. I get complimented for my charisma all the time.

I think it’s because I get socially anxious, I don’t want to be seen as annoying, and feel it’s not a good time to talk.

It’s especially hard with new people. I just glance and walk past them.

Any advice for me?

scrolling on social media im scared because of things posted that i cannot control. its bringing my depression back and my anxiety which causes me to lose my appetite and stomach aches. every time i see the story, post , following , likes going up or tagged photos i panic and it makes me upset. i cant control it and i keep telling myself that but i cant control it seeing post trigger me. i get on tiktok and see post that trigger me because i cannot be like that or control something about that. i keep having anxiety and its effecting me in my learning and my whole day i keep getting upset worrying. i stress myself out daily about this and i cant enjoy anything. im falling back into depression. please help me. i cant control it and i wish i could. i keep thinking the worse case scenario.

I’ve noticed at times people can have plans and a person would feel bad and accept but they really don’t want to go. In this case, they may flake or whatnot

It leads me to wonder why people have such a stigma to saying no, especially since it’s substantially worse to say yes and then flake than no? The only reason that I see it’s OK is if the person is a serious threat to your safety, but most of the time it is not like that

Maybe I’m just too straightforward but it makes sense right? Maybe I’m under thinking it idk. I could also be overthinking it.

I’m the friend who reaches out first. I ask about their day, make pleasant conversation, give small compliments and encouragement if they’re not feeling well or are having a hard time. I try to be a good friend and a​ listening ear. Still, it seems like I’m not an important part of anyone’s life. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it’s been like this my whole life. It doesn’t seem like anyone needs me the way I need them, and I truly don’t think anyone would care that much if I just went radio silent. They might wonder about me once in a while if but I’m pretty confident they wouldn’t miss me or actively want me to come back. No one asks how I’m doing if I don’t ask them first. And I’m usually sad but I try not to let on too much.

I love having conversations about people’s passions and hearing them nerd out. But if not it usually ends up in small talk. How can I steer the conversations to get someone to talk about their passions when I’m not sure what they are?

A shy person who is afraid of the attention of others is not free of ego, but has an ambivalent ego that both wants and fears attention from others. The fear is that the attention may take the form of disapproval or criticism, that is to say, something that diminishes the sense of self rather than enhances it. So the shy person's fear of attention is greater than his or her need of attention. Shyness often goes with a self­concept that is predominantly negative, the belief of being inadequate. Any conceptual sense of self – seeing myself as this or that ­ is ego, whether predominantly positive (I am the greatest) or negative (I am no good). Behind every positive self­concept is the hidden fear of not being good enough. Behind every negative self­concept its the hidden desire of being the greatest or better than others. Behind the confident ego's feeling of and continuing need for superiority is the unconscious fear of inferiority. Conversely, the shy, inadequate ego that feels inferior has a strong hidden desire for superiority. Many people fluctuate between feelings of inferiority and superiority, depending on situations or the people they come into contact with. All you need to know and observe in yourself is this: whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that's the ego in you.

I have a sinking feeling that my college years are going to be just like my high school, middle school, and entire childhood years no matter how much I resist. All alone, unseen, and awkwardly out of place. I have consumed so much self improvement content I could write a book, but my life is still the same. I feel sad when I hear people talk about how fun college is, because I'm not even in it yet and I already know deep down I won't actually get to do those things. It's like when you're excited that it's your birthday and then no one shows up, so the next time you have one you don't even expect anything.

You can tell me "just go out more", but man, I literally have nothing to say. I'm so used to thinking nothing and just listening to those around me talk. I'm a pure observer and have to unlearn 18 years of it. Not to mention I already feel fundamentally undeserving of social interaction. I've watched my classmates go on school trips, to pool parties, sports games, prom, homecoming, everything. By choice. Because I know that if I went, I would literally be all alone. I can't help but feel like there's an expectation that these things are for everyone except me. They'd be nice enough to let me go once but only so I can see how awful it is to not go with anyone and then give up.

You can say I don't really need friends and they're overrated because I'll always have myself. Dude, I'm literally dying from loneliness. My chest hurts when I think about it and I ideate su*cide sometimes. I want friends that appreciate me, make me feel alive, and that I can do fun stuff with to fill up my camera roll with thousands of pictures. I've been robbed of so many memories I've never even gotten to make, and at this rate will never get to make. I can't seem to make it stop.

I'm not advocating violence. However I am sad and disappointed that a lot of people still have this idea in their head that if a woman hits a man he should never hit her back.

I'm 24 and a male and I'm saying this because in my experiences in life I have encountered a lot of very disrespectful women who thought it was okay to put their hands on men.

Then when they got their treatment back them and other people tried to pull the gender card and act like they shouldn't be hit back because their a girl.

Or if a man would have responded and hit a girl back when they were hit I was confident that girl and other people would have tried to make the claim that he shouldn't have hit her back because she was a girl.

Then people will try to downplay the man getting hit like it's nothing and then if the women got hit it's a huge deal.

I'm just disappointed in the fact that a lot of people in society believe that a woman can be physically abusive and then when a man defends himself they are somehow in the wrong.

The first is someone who seems to love being an absolute jerk. They will ask me the same question multiple times, without caring about my previous responses. They choose to work more hours, but complain constantly about being tired (yes, they have no rent / mortgage / lifestyle expenses, they purely want to save up, which is merit worthy of course, but they are just so energy draining to be around). And they love laughing at my responses, or being overly skeptical and dismissive. E.g asks me on my opinion on red grapes or green grapes.

Me - Well, red are often less nice textually, but are sweeter, and green are more firm, but less likely to be sweet, so I'd go with red.

Him - Really! Are you sure? You reckon? Nah.

Me - I mean that's my opinion, since you specifically asked for it-

Him - Nah nah green grapes are better. Hey X! Do you prefer red or green grapes? Green? Yea, see, told you. *laughs*

​

The second person not only only calls when convenient for them (e.g driving somewhere and wants to talk to someone, yet doesn't return the courtesy if I call him and want to talk.) And they want to dominate the conversation, and talk about themselves, which I can let go. What isn't enjoyable is the fact that they basically force me to participate, by asking leading questions. And they even borderline lie, just to extend the conversation.

E.g I pick up.

Me - What's up?

Him - Hey bro, guess what. The bank just took money out of my account.

Me - To where?

Him - I don't know, bro. It's 140k, just gone.

Me - Did you call them?

Him - No.

Me - Are you going to call them?

Him - Oh yea, it's probably because I bought another apartment. That's why.

Me - Oh, nice, that's goo-

Him - *hangs up*

​

And the last one, maybe it's because I wasn't raised to be disrespectful, I

​

a) Don't raise my voice;

b) Walk to someone and look at them when I'm talking to them; and

c) Would always try to help someone if they don't understand something.

​

So my co-worker sometimes isn't capable to do certain tasks, yet. So naturally, as his cubicle faces mine, he asks me for help, which I always do.

What he does do, however, that frustrates me, is either:

a) Call on me, I answer, he doesn't respond, I walk over, and he pretends he didn't call me.

b) Call on me, I answer, he speaks softly on purpose, I walk over, and he pretends he doesn't know what a certain non-work related term is, e.g what is Kama Sutra?

c) He sometimes walks over to the kitchen, gets water or whichever beverage he desires, and as he walks back towards his desk, comes to a stop behind me, and just looks at my screen. When I ask him what's up, does he want to ask a question or anything, he says, no, I want to just stand here, and does so in silence for another 30 seconds or so, it actually makes me so uncomfortable.

​

What should I do about how I feel?

bro everytime i try talking to someone i get confused if they talking back to me bcz they are nice or that they genuinely enjoy their time with me and want to get to know me. example some girl i talked to in class whos very charismatic we talked and she gave me her insta. i follow her and she followed back after a week she took it off from both sides. ik she took it off bcz we arent that close but why do that? and after that incident i cant seem to talk to anyone in my class without worrying being too clingy or annoying or smthing. i just want to make friends

I'm 30 in my final year of college. It's tough being far older than the others in my class but there are two who are older, in their late 20s. One of them plays league of legends and the other played Dota but now is playing league. I've never played league so I started just to have something in common. I have gotten closer with them but when I try and initiate more friendly activities I get shot down. I'm not on league all day but they don't tell me when they go on and only find out when I go on discord. There are days when I ask if they are playing but get no reply, later on seeing that they are on league without telling me.

Clearly they have no intention of being friends with me. They put no effort in trying. If I don't contact them I never receive any contact.

I think I have severe anxiety and am lonely, so any contact with them gives me a boost and when they don't try I get very depressed. I haven't had any physical contact with or talked to women in almost three years and since one of the people is a woman, i get happy when she replies. It hurts more when she doesn't care about me. I know they are not forced to be friends with me, but these are the closet to new friends I have made in a long time.

It's coming up to the of the semester and I have an important project coming up that needs to be completed. Its the thought of being able to have a chat with them online makes me happy and when they don't bother asking about me I get sad. I want to be able to stop caring about these people and live my life, as when the year ends I probably won't see them again. I plan on giving up on league of legends because I don't find it fun but I may lose out on some social contact.

Sorry for the rant, I'm not used to speaking out my thoughts.

Hey everyone,

I had my first day training on the register at Starbucks today, an experience that was both exciting and eye-opening. My trainer mentioned that I come off as shy and my voice doesn't carry well, especially in the bustling atmosphere of our store. This feedback was unexpected and has made me introspective about my ability to perform well, particularly with the drive-thru looming in my training schedule.The thought of working the drive-thru is adding an extra layer of anxiety. The need for clear, efficient communication is even more critical there, given the added barriers of intercom systems and ambient noise. I’m worried that my quiet nature and low voice volume will hinder the fast-paced and efficient service expected in the drive-thru, potentially impacting the customer experience and my team's performance.

I’m reaching out for advice on several fronts:

How can I work on projecting my voice more effectively, especially in a loud environment?

Are there strategies for overcoming shyness, particularly in the context of customer service and the drive-thru?

For those who’ve had similar experiences, how did you build up your confidence and improve your communication in these settings?

Any tips, exercises, or personal anecdotes on tackling these challenges would be immensely helpful. I want to grow and excel in this role, and overcoming these initial hurdles is something I’m committed to achieving.

Thank you for your support and for sharing your insights.

So practically I’m an international student moved across the country in northern Italy to study abroad I have faced many challenges and one of them is the language barrier and also making friends.It is hard because they all seem to have superficial connections here in Uni and when I tried to make friends they gave me the cold shoulder…idk what to do even those which I considered friends started ignoring me recently? I don’t think I’m that boring but I just stopped trying after being ignored so much maybe I’m also a bit cold because I can’t express myself well enough!! Like am I the problem

Hey, everyone!

Just out of curiosity, I was wondering if anyone could relate to this phenomenon or aid me in naming it.

An example of my "subconscious reaction" follows.

So, I'm with my friend at a noisy reception. He tells me something I can't recall right now. The point is that I couldn't hear what he said, so I say something like, "What'd ya say?" Then he responds, "My wife gets after me about mumbling all the time." And I immediately respond with something like, "You're good, man, my hearing's not that great anyway." It felt like a subconscious effort to make him feel better about his quiet voice in that moment. It felt reflexive instead of me thinking about what he said, applying a thought to his response and giving said thought verbally. Am I just that much faster during the convo, as opposed to after? The rest of the conversation branches off from there, yada yada yada.

Now this is just a random snippet I chose out of some recent conversations, the content isn't too relevant. The phenomenon I'm curious about is my brain's reaction. Why is it, during real-time conversations, my brain usually automatically adjusts to match mood and energy without me thinking too much in the moment, other than a few checks and balances to make sure I don't blurt out something too insensitive, versus post conversation when I feel like I'm fully able to analyse situations that occur, learn from them, and then apply the things I learn from videos and books to better my communication/relationship skills for the future. Kind of like what I'm doing with formulating this text and thinking, in my head, about what snippet to share and what to write. Why is the analytical/thinking voice in my head quieter during the convos, then post convos when I'm in a quiet, reflective environment, I hear nothing but my mind's voice and feel like I'm (my consciousness) more present? In the real time convos, it feels mostly like autopilot and unless I constantly stop to remind myself of the material I want to practice and apply from the books and videos throughout the conversation, my brain takes over and reacts instead of acts. It's kind of weird to think and write this, but I know it's me speaking and reacting consciously with them, but it's kind of different from the me right now who's overanalyzing everything vs the me that engages with others. Realistically, I know I can't prepare for every type of situation but I do want to try to learn things to apply to many situations and improve my shortcomings.

It may be mood-dependant, but generally around friends, I tend to want to keep things jokey, light, and supportive but when the situation changes, I can switch but those are kind of my default autopilot settings. I'm guessing that's based on previous experiences and personality, but why does my consciousness feel 100% active when I have quiet time to think vs 90% reactive, 10% conscious/thinking during a social conversation unless I'm either trying to pause and choose my words carefully or I make the mental effort to stop myself and apply the concepts I'm trying to learn to be a more supportive and better friend/partner/role model/human, etc? Is there a name for the reflexive/ reactive mind? Is it just my subconscious? Does anyone else experience this? I'm just curious what y'alls experiences have been like. Hopefully someone can reword it in terms that I can look up based on what I've provided. Thanks in advance for gracing me with your time and helping me discuss my conundrum! Have a good one, y'all!