Rules

Ive been dealing with a lot of rude workers lately. Receptionists, cashiers, etc. I’m polite and it’s always unprovoked/uncalled for, of course i sometimes think it could be racism or something. I dont expect much, i dont care for small talk but I don’t appreciate snarky remarks, passive aggressiveness, etc. and when this happens it often ruins my day. I never say anything though i just get my shit done and go. But lately Ive been thinking maybe i should start speaking up, and say something like, “What’s your problem? Is there a reason you’re being so rude to me?” People should be embarrassed to act like that i think, and if they were confronted maybe they wouldn’t act like that.

I dont understand what it is about me, but I always attract negative friends. Theyre nice at first, and theyre nice to other people, but theyll crack jokes about me and it genuinely hurts my feelings sometimes. I tend to make self deprecating jokes. (Its how I cope with my low self esteem.) Is that what causes this type of relationship? Sometimes this kind of relationship occurs before i make any kind if self-destructive comment. Is my issue a lack of boundaries?

Ive also been told im immature for my age. Both in-person and online. Should it affect me so much? I was told I act between 12-14 and im not. It made me feel self conscious, and im not sure what made me come off as that young. I was comfortable and relaxed, and just being myself. I have Aspergers, and im bad eith social cues. Do I just need to man up? Why do I act immature when im comfortable.

Now I can't find the top to our crockpot...

Want to start of my apologising if this post seems like I’m trying to make myself sound special or smarter than everyone - I promise that’s not the case. I don’t think I’m smarter than anyone I just think I think of things differently sometimes.

I am a 28 year old doctor living in Melbourne. All my life I’ve been very neurotic, reflective and somewhat spiritual. I remember having questions in my mind that from a young age that I think many only come to later in life in their teens or 20s. Frequent thoughts about life, death and meaning. I come from a Muslim background but I find it hard to completely relate to other muslims. I believe in god and a lot of the principles of Islam but I find it hard to give myself completely to it when parts of it are so unnecessarily harsh and what I feel aren’t consistent with the themes of love and forgiveness that I think are central to Islam (i.e very clear homophobia, threats of hell - even if it’s not always displayed). I find it hard to relate to other doctors as a lot of the times despite always having to deal with life and death I think they aren’t always consciously aware of this - or maybe as a survival thing from the every day traumas of health care are purposely distracted from it.

I want to meet people who are good, or people who aren’t 100% always confident in their beliefs but are open minded and have strong principles but I have no idea how to go about this. I feel lonely a lot of the time because I feel as though I am generally open minded and wanting to grow and evolve and am open to being wrong - but I find that most people around me aren’t?

Am I just wrong in my beliefs and just think I’m better than everyone? Or does everyone else also secretly want to evolve and grow and learn but just aren’t saying it out loud? How can I meet other people like this? Or am I just depressed? I feel very confused and lost and lonely

Have you ever experienced or witnessed someone getting a job they were under qualified for (not completely unqualified for) because they were attractive

I realize that to many people, having friends can mean totally different things. It also depends on circumstances I guess, but overall what does having a friend look like? Or having a group of friends look like?

For me friends are people you talk to consistently, putting in effort to converse, spend time with and get to know. I don’t know if this is right though. I spend most of my time alone, aside from when I’m in school, where you can say I have “friends”. But when people ask me I say I have none. Is this right? Are the distant people I talk to only at school friends? If that’s the case making friends is easy for me. Then why is it that it’s not enough? Maybe I’m not getting it.

What would you say is the definition of friends, and how it would feel. What would it look like? Sorry if it’s bad formatting I don’t post on social media often

My family has told me at young age that you need to get outside of the house and face life. But my confidence wasn't there and social anxiety made me not want to try for anything. But now that I'm an adult, I've realized things about me that I'm just not proud of. Like I feel and consider myself small towards people who are confident and smart. I allow others to win and never take chances to better my own life. I stay quiet and just allow life to hit me. Because my verbal communication skills suck. People can barely hear me sometimes and I'm so afraid to even talk with bunch of people because I'm too worried about what others might think of me.

I grew up in country not surrounded by fellow people and at young age, constantly felt judged, criticized and lectured. Which made me more quiet or reserved. My cousins are so free minded, they are like anxiety free lol. I mean they are doing whatever they want to without caring about what others might think. And I want to be like them too sighs. I realized my flow is slow and I always look like serious depressed or hurt person. I just hate this image.

I have this coworker who always ignores me (I am a girl too). She speaks to everyone around me but pretends like I don’t exist. She won’t even make eye contact when I ask basic questions like ‘how are you’ and gives cold replies. I have never really worked in the same team as her and we usually cross paths in trainings and work socials. Based on the few interactions we’ve had, I’ve always been polite and nice. I do find her very attractive but have never said or done anything to indicate that. Have also never tried to make forceful conversations with her. I’m close to my other colleagues so usually just hang out with them. Even if I greet her and ask how she is, she makes no eye contact and replies coldly. Any ideas why she dislikes me?

Was this someone just being friendly or something more? To clarify I am (24F) and these guys were around my age and male.

I was standing at a crosswalk at night waiting to cross and there were a group of like 5 guys sort of next to me also waiting to cross. I see one guy looking at me out of the corner of my eye and then I hear “how are you tonight.” I respond “good” and then another guy (his friend I’m assuming) says “what are you up to tonight” to which I say “not much” and he just repeats “not much” and then I walk away asap when the light turns green lmao.

Yeah I feel kinda bad because I realize I did not come off as the most engaging person. I was pretty flustered and confused because this kind of thing never happens. I’m really bad at reading social cues any ideas on what their intention was?

For context, my partner is an engineer. Has a lot of engineer friends. When we've hung out throughout the years with them, I often feel ignored and disregarded or looked at as the "woman" or the sidekick. Little things, like lack of eye contact (not with my partner but with me), or assuming I don't know anything remotely about what they're discussing (even though I build tech myself). Also, my partner and I build things together, but it's often assumed that he's the main actor. I don't feel seen in these situations and I'm getting to a point where I'm done getting smaller to fit in more social circles.

I want to build more authentic, full, interesting relationships and friendships... and not feel like I have to settle. I want to believe that people can be into technology and ALSO be a decent human being to be around.

It's exhausting. And what's interesting is in other social situations, I don't feel this way. It's only with a certain class of elitist engineer men who have a superiority complex. It's actually pretty annoying and I used to try and ask interesting questions or engage in the conversation, but at this point, I'm over it.

I want to expand more relationships with people who exchange energy and ideas with me, don't sideline me, and are multi-faceted individuals interested in more than their own shit.

I'm just curious, has anyone gone through a shift like this? And if you have, how did you break through to start building more aligned friendships? My fear is that my partner and I will grow apart because he loves these types of friendships, and I want that for him, but I also want us to keep growing as a couple / with friend groups.

🫶🏼

Btw this might be longer than one would like but I would appreciate any help.

For a start I have self esteem issues and ir bleeds out through my day in my mood normally I'm not happy nor sad nor mad, it's just another day.i want to be social and interactive with ppl but when it comes down to giving a response I say the simplest shortest thing. Not leaving any personality for them to cling on. As if I want to end the interaction but I dont. If anything I'd like to express myself so I can get to know them and be friends with them, but I can't and I don't know how. sometimes I feel like I have no value to give in terms of friendship with me. It's been so long since I've had someone I can freely express myself. like why would someone be friends with me. I've been like this for a long time and I'd like to change it. Me not actively participating in interactions with other ppl is making me live a lonely life. I'm already kinda used to it but it freaking sucks not having someone I can talk to freely and openly. I have friends but I'm not close to them. I don't even know how or why they are friends with me since I'm not as funny or jolly or a ray of sunshine like others. I wish I had those qualities. Saying all this I can communicate what I want and get what I want because communicating with other ppl on topics is easy. It's easy to give some feedback or interest but it's not easy for me to just LET GO and give personality while doing it. I'd like to be charismatic to improve my quality of life But I do t know where or how to start

Edit: in simpler terms I have trouble connecting with ppl not because I don't want to, I want to. I'd like to show ppl that I genuinely care for them and would like to know them on a deeper level

Im so lonely

I don’t even really know where to begin. I’m 26F and I moved from Alabama to nyc when I was 22 for school. I didn’t start college until I was 22 because I had serious health complications in high school. This led to me having to get my GED. Because I had to miss school so much, I have no friends from high school or even back home at all. I was also diagnosed with Tourette at 4, I don’t have much tics anymore but I have ocd adhd auditory processing all that shit. Basically my whole life I’ve been “different” and I always felt that way. I got bullied a lot in school, i was the weird quiet kid.

I have social anxiety, and it used to be SEVERE, but I gradually came out of my shell when I moved to the city. But it’s very much still there. I struggle immensely with making friends. I believe my disabilities have something to do with it, I’ve strongly suspecting I have autism as well. I went to a small art school for college that was very close knit, and everyone there loved me, but it’s kinda like I’m treated as a pet. “Where’s my hug” kinda vibes that people in special ed experience. Everyone really liked me but very few people have any interest in being my friend. Like no one wants to actually get to know me. Senior year was the worst year of my life. It started with a dentist botching my mouth, and I was in horrible pain for months. Then this experience brought up a lot of painful things from my childhood. I realized my father sexually abused me, and i was eventually diagnosed with ptsd a year later this October.

I would feel invisible in class, and I would cry as soon as I would leave. And then I would come home to an empty dorm room. My roommate only slept there about 2-3 nights a week. I’ve been so lonely since moving up here but this was maddening. All my roommates in college would never be home and I had very few friends, so I spent just about every weekend alone in college. It was so fucking painful and lonely, and it still is.

I moved into an apartment with two friends in May, and I graduated in December. This helped my mental health a lot in the beginning, cause I would at least see a person every day. But now that I’ve graduated, my social life went from hardly anything to just zero. I’m so unbelievably lonely. I’m in so much pain from the ptsd and I crave a hug so fucking bad. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been hugged. My roommates are aware of what’s going on in my life and have been supportive, but of course there’s only so much they can do. What really causes a lot of pain is seeing them go out all the time doing fun things with people. It’s a strong reminder that I don’t have that. I feel like I’ve missed out on my youth. My life has been very untraditional and I’ve had no normal experiences. I just wish I could be a normal 20 something who goes out and parties. I love going out so much. A lot of people think i don’t like to, but in actuality i do I just never have the opportunity. I’m now nearing my late 20s and feel like I’ve missed out on even more things than I already did. I wish I could’ve had a normal high school and college experience.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me and why I can’t make friends. I’ve always wanted to know what it was that turned people away so I could fix it. I have zero family in New York, and my family back home is insanely dysfunctional. I just have so very few people in my life that care about me. I just feel so alone. Sometimes I even think that if I died no one would even miss me. I know that’s not true, but when my depression gets severe I genuinely believe that.

I’ve been with a therapist for a year and it hasn’t done much for me. I’ve been searching high and low for emdr therapy or trauma programs and it’s impossible to find reputable places with openings. Im just really alone and I have been for yearsss and I can’t take it anymore. This was so long but I just needed to get this out. If you read this far thank you so much for listening.

Hey guys. I know this topic comes up a lot, but this time i feel like i need to share my frustration and hopefuly get some advices on it. And if you don't have any advice, feel free to share your own experience. I guarantee this will help a lot.

I'm 25 M, and, to make a long story short, i feel like i'm getting more and more introverted everyday. I' ve always been super sensitive to other people's opinion, but that never affected me as much as it does now. Being awkward and not knowing how to behave in a group of people at work is different. It means more. It affects you more.

I find it extremely difficult to fit in big groups. It feels like people already have a perfect functioning dynamic of interaction and don't need me in the conversation. I analyse what people say and always think of ways to put myself in the conversation but whenever i try to contribute, it feels like what i'm saying is super uninteresting, also the speed at which people are able to switch topics and talk about so many things and at a time amazes me, i can never keep up!

The reason i decided to write this is because today i went through a very good (but bad) example of this. I went to a friend's birthday party, which was super simple and she only invited like 10 people. I know her pretty well and we get along great, but i have only seen her friends once or twice. Despite that, i know they're nice and interesting people, so being around them shouldn't be a problem, but it was. The whole party i was paying attention to them and open to a conversation, but since they weren't talking directly to me, i didn't know how to participate. It felt like their conversation was perfect as it was, and there was nothing i could say to add up. So i stayed quiet 99% of the time.

The big problem is, i do want to ccontribute. I want to feel like my opinion matters to people. I want to be part of these moments. I want to be able to connect with people and maybe even make friends in such interactions. And i hate being seen as the quiet, strange guy in the group.

Anyways, i could go on with further details but i know you guys get what i'm trying to say. I just wanted to put this out because i'm honestly tired of living like this. No one should feel such a distance between other people at times of joy like these. I'm tired of feeling so different and lonely in a world where everyone seems to feel so comfortable around others.

I am currently in a homeless shelter and have a roommate. I would not consider him a friend but a good associate. He is Asian and I am black. He's says the n word alot and I've called him out on it but he still does it. His coworker told me he's talked crap behind my back. Another Asian guy moved in the shelter with us and he basically ignored me until he moved out. He lost his job and I introduced him to my boss because my job is always hiring. Just tonight he tried to make himself look good to a girl by making me look bad. I regret helping find a job. What should I do with a difficult person given the situation I'm in?

Basically I was teasing with a guy friend about how he trades womens instagrams with his friends like pokemon cards. (he told me about how his other friends and him will trade hot girls instagrams) and i noticed he was getting un comfy and had a bad reaction to it. Later that day I texted him saying that i noticed his reaction and apologized for hurting his feelings. After he lashed out saying "You cant hurt me! idc. just mind ur own business🤣"

We havent been friends long. I was just stunned..in the moment??? it was such an extreme reaction to something i thought was small ish.

whats his deal?

It also doesn't even work well half the time, because while I'm scrambling to say something that will make me seem likeable, I end up sharing things I wouldn't if I could set boundaries.

I do all of this because for awhile I was very guarded and closed off, and I'm trying not to be now because I want to have positive connections with others. I don't have the appropriate social skillset though to navigate

I want to be a kinder person because I feel like I’ve been kinda a jerk lately to my friends, and I want to become a better person in general, I ask for advice please.

Okay so I got a job literally last Monday(its a fast food place not a 9-5)and it's Saturday right now. I have been sick for 3 days and can go back on Monday(2/3). I am going to be visiting a college on Friday 2/7-2/9 so I have to ask off for that weekend. I don't know how to ask for those days off because I just started and I don't want to be seen as an untrustworthy employee! :( can people please help me what to tell my bosses, they're understanding but I don't want to seem like I don't care about this job.

21 (m) I don’t know how to live life. How do people confidently do things, I hate having to interact with people, I’m so awkward. I don’t even care about what people think of me, but for so some reason it’s extremely difficult to be comfortable with people. I’m so weird about things, I have to cover my ears when I’m with someone and they order their food, it’s so awkward to hear their interaction. I hate being like this, but I can’t seem to fit in no matter what I do. I am autistic, it makes it incredibly difficult to look people in the eyes, people think I’m rude for having my head down and I just wish I could be extroverted. Another thing I hate is when people come to me for surveys or products, I wish I could tell them “hey, I’m autistic, keep that in mind when you approach others, I feel incredibly awkward right now and hate being approached, this is what I dread every time I leave my house” but I can’t.

I got into cosplaying and going to conventions and I was surprised at how many people wanted to make contact with me.

I'm not a girl btw. I'm not a attractive girl with big boobs in a cute anime outfit so it's not like people are being creepy or something.

I dressed as a character from dark souls and lots of people asked for pictures and some touched parts of my armor or weapon prop.

I dld a photoshoot for my Instagram where I dressed as a armored character and rode on a actual real horse. It was a Friesian horse which was really big. I did the photoshoot with some friends at a Suburban area and lots of people csme up and asked photos but also touched me and my horse. I never have this issue with any other hobby.

I don't like being touched but I also don't like confrontation

This is apparently a very common experience with people who cosplay. Why?

This is one of the greatest skills I’ve learned that profoundly impacted my day to day emotional state. Now I am content and at peace and (humor alert!) living in a state of a curled up anxious ball of c-ptsd is the indulgence of the past.

Words are really important. The stories (which are set of words) we tell to ourselves and to others reflect how we see the situation and determine how we feel about it. (How we feel = the quality of life)

I’ve just noticed this pattern that all of my EQ role models are highly tactful and use neutral/positive language to describe things.

For example, instead of saying someone is “stubborn” they say “dedicated”. Instead of “that person was controlling the meeting” they say “that person wanted the meeting to go good”. And so on. And both are true if you think about it.

It’s just a shift of perception. In psychology it is also called “reframing”. I personally call it “resourceful thinking”, because essentially what’s happening is that you see the situation from its resourceful side.

All perspectives are true, but our focus is limited. We never take in the reality at 100%, our brain has limited focus and must select the most important bits of information. Every second we are surrounded by 11 million (11,000,000!!) bits of information and our conscious mind is only able to take in 40 (just 40 bits — it’s 0.00036% of the reality around us). So our subconscious filtering out the rest in search of what could be important particularly for us.

Our subconscious beliefs run the entire show. Someone searching for safety will filter the reality for possible threat, someone searching for abundance filters the reality for resources, someone who is searching for peace filters reality for positive intent and so on.

I kinda jammed two separate points in here. One is that the quality of life is greatly improved when we are tuned in to see resourceful side of things. And the other is that our subconscious runs the show and it’s safer for our nervous system to keep reaffirming old beliefs.

But what I was trying to say is that what we get out of a story is not all there is to the story. Just imagine the quality of your life if you chose to skim the cream in every situation. And to do that starts with words and the emotional narrative behind them.

Choose your words like your life depends on it because it does!

I have a friend who is just negative all the time. Like I understand the need to vent or get support from friends but I find everytime we hang out she always has a rant about something. Sometimes it's when I share a story about something that's pretty positive and she'll just make it about how she dislikes something about what I just shared.

I mute the group chat I'm in with her like 24 hours a day now cus I'd open it after a long work day and she's going on about something super minor. Whenever she visits me and our friend on the weekends to hang out with us (she's from out of town), she basically just shits on the city me and our other friend live in. Me and our other friend have always made the effort to visit her out of town, but even that I don't wanna do anymore, cus it just becomes "look how much better this place is from where you live".

When she isn't like this she's a good friend, but I don't know if I'm noticing her negativity more because I started a full time job and just don't have energy for her bull anymore (like maybe it's a me problem?) or if she's just become more negative. I pulled out of a hang with her and a friend this weekend cus the thought of spending time with her was just too draining. I've confronted her before about her negativity but it was in regards to catastrophising when she was changing jobs, so I don't know if she realises her negativity applies to her whole outlook in life.

But my question is. Is it worth bringing it up with her? I'm still gonna spend less time with her and cultivate my other friendships but I feel like as a friend, I gotta hold friends accountable and I'd want other people to do it for me too. And like I said, she is a good friend and I'd like to keep her in my life. Or am I better off just letting it go and distancing myself?

I’m an introvert and generally prefer spending time alone. Socializing feels draining to me, and I find it difficult to maintain relationships because it feels like a lot of effort with little payoff. I also struggle with the feeling that I can’t fully reciprocate the care that my friends give me, which leaves me feeling guilty.

Lately, I’ve been questioning whether I even care about others the way I "should." Sometimes, I wonder if my actions are motivated more by wanting to be seen as a "good person" than by actual compassion. I don’t feel the need for emotional support from others, so I find it hard to offer the same kind of care in return. I want to be supportive, but I’m not sure if I’m capable of providing genuine compassion.

I’m trying to figure out how to show people that I care without it feeling draining, and I’m wondering if I’m missing something when it comes to compassion. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you manage relationships and show care without feeling overwhelmed or disconnected? Any advice would be appreciated!

I struggle with making new friends. I have plenty of very close and loyal friends i've collected through the years, but they're all a product of repeated exposure and time in circumstances like school, work, or mutual friends. I dont make fast friends.

I'm a generally quiet person when i'm with people i don't know or in group scenarios. Even when i make an effort and think i am being social, it is less than the average person in that scenario. I also come across as unfriendly in social settings or in conversation, unintentionally. I think im just so muted in emotional expression with people i dont know that people think i dont like them or am not interested in them. Even on dates, when i finally make a move a girl will be surprised that i actually liked them.

I guess i've laid out my issue. But has anyone been in this situation and gotten better? Is it just a matter of consciously forcing myself to be expressive and a yapper? Is there anything i can do to help bring my intrinsic state to this?

I believe you should never shake someone's hand while sitting down. But what if you are sitting and someone walks in and unexpectedly shoves their hand down in your face, essentially forcing you to shake it while you're sitting down? Is that considered rude of them as well?

So I signed up for an archery club today at my college. I’ve been shooting for a couple months and went a little bit last year. I now have my own bow so that’s means I’d have to be in the section that’s designated for people with their own equipment. The problem with that’s is those people are really good, and have all the expensive and high tech bows. Mine just barely fit in my budget and isn’t the greatest. I’m also pretty sure they already have a clique going on and then I’d just be there.

im too scared to go and I’m mad at myself for it.

But I just can’t imagine going there to practice, being the worst one there, and the getting ignored by everyone because they're all older than me and I’m too scared to talk to them.

its not like the gym where i can just blast music and ignore people, bc you have to listen for the safety whistles and such. Then id have to talk to people, and since im new to this im not gonna be good and im gonna get embarrassed and upset thinking they’re judging me.

i really wanna go but im too scared. And none of my friends want to tag along either.

what can i do?

this sub just makes me feel so safe and everyone is so nice😭❤️

I need help. I really try to be a good friend but trying is just not cutting it. I am overall quite a cold and uncaring person and it's horrible. I need help with everything. If anyone has any tips I would love that.

I have social anxiety and I find I drink too much when I’m in a big social situation with new people as a way to cope. I’m starting to learn that is a bad idea because I get waay to talkative, overshare and say dumb stuff. I feel totally bummed out today and like I totally blew it. I just moved to this town and feel like some people there were potential friends and they think I’m annoying now.

I was supposed to go to another social event tonight with them ( it was an open invite and I said I would go already ) but I kind of just feel like hiding in shame now tbh.

Do you think it’s better to show up again and try handle it better? Or just apologize and not go?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense but I don’t want to give too many details to stay anonymous. I’m just really down and feel like my social anxiety gets in the way of everything in my life.

Sometimes I talk and it comes off blunt and rude as people have pointed it out occasionally. I think it is neutral in my head but apparently not. They know I don’t mean it that way but I would like to fix this. I can recognize other people’s tone, but not mine. Any suggestions to fix this?