Hello everyone, using a throwaway for this. But I am really struggling that whenever I ask a genuine question that I am curious about or raise a worry or a concern that I really do need advice for, on more than one occasion I get comments “ You need therapy” or “ are you well” , even “ are you tripolar “ .

These hurt because I am actually doing okay, I had some hiccups, went to therapy and been medicated for a while. I now have really well regarded work achievements, and the thing is absolutely no one irl told me this before and people here are usually brutally honest and don’t sugarcoat things. ( have been told off irl for other behaviors that might’ve come out negatively) so i don’t see why my irls would hide this.

Still the first time I have been told this I took matters into my own hands and sought therapy provided from the workplace . ( it was more counseling tho than actual therapy) They told me they enjoyed talking to me , and that I was a smart well put together person.

I know I shouldn’t concern myself with online comments , but the fact that I was medicated at some point of my life makes me wonder if I am just a good “ actor” irl.

PS: i have no dark thoughts or episodes whatsoever. I enjoy life, and I really want to go places and enjoy myself. I also have pure curiosity and ask “ why” quite often and I end up on reddit due to seeking genuine answers .

Me (19F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for a year now. We have had our ups and downs, however since about the 6 month mark we have had an argument nearly every second day. They always start with me mentioning that he’s done something that upsets me (always the same thing every time basically), and then he gets super defensive. His main response is to say i’m “crying” about something or to call me “crazy”

He always says that I don’t let him speak which is not true cause i spend most of the argument silent because when i try to speak he will cut me off. He also says that he doesn’t care quite a bit in the arguments we have, and does things he doesn’t like me doing, like swearing at me or walking away.

I’m making this post because of the argument we just had maybe 2 hours ago. I wanted to go grocery shopping by myself, and he was meant to go home but couldn’t get a ride. He asked to come with me and I told him that i would prefer to go by myself. When he asked why, I was honest and said “I just like to spend time by myself sometimes”. This for some reason enraged him. He started saying I don’t want to spend time with him, and that we should just break up if that’s the case. I didn’t understand where this was coming from so stayed silent for a bit, then tried to talk about it. He started swearing and when I got upset and told him to stop, he said it didn’t matter cause he “wasn’t looking at me when he was swearing”.

The argument ended with me in tears and him leaving to go home. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong in order for him to act like that. Just looking for some advice on what to do.

TL;DR Boyfriend might be manipulating me but i’m not sure. Need advice on what to do.

tldr: im so lost and my dad's delusions don't rlly help my confusion

my dad's always been an interesting kinda a guy and i dead ass have no clue who to talk to about this cuz i think everyone would js turn it against him since every time i tell ppl about my dad they say he's crazy and hate him, but he doesn't deserve that idt since my mom is js as bad js less outwardly delusional. my dad's (supposedly) catholic, but has this whole thing about reincarnation and psychics and talking to spirits and shit like that. he's also had this whole thing about how i'm the reincarnation of the blonde woman name linda and wanted to name me linda which my mother thankfully didn't let him tho. the other day we were at barnes and nobles and we were waiting in line at starbucks and that happens to be by the sections w books on wicca and since my mom would prob beat my ass and start performing an exorcism right then and there if i mentioned anything about being interested in learning more about it to her i said smth about it to my dad. and he said that he used to be into it which i thought was weird since he's catholic and i thought that was like a sin or smth in catholicism. but obviously i asked him more about it and he js casually mentions doing an exorcism on this girl his friend was into when he was 17. my first reaction was obvi "how high were you" but he said he didn't smoke much in highschool he only did it in college. he basically said she was doing automatic writing (where like the spirit writes for u if i got the name wrong sorry i don't rlly know what im talking about) and the spirit was evil or smth and bothering her and she like od'd or smth and my dad's friend called him and she like went to the hospital or smth and like my dad said he'd take the spirit w him and ig he did or smth. my dad's 68 and im 16 so obvi i wasn't there for this, but like the more he told me about ts the more i lowkey start to believe it. like what if i rlly am the reincarnation of some blonde lady? my dad also said he and his friend were using an ouji board and summoned one of the olsen brothers and had a dream about playing guitar w him and then saw his disembodied head when he woke up so idk. i feel like the more i hear about ts the more i feel like it might b real. and like im kinda starting to believe it even the things i don't wanna believe. like my dad says all these events he knows about like when imma get married and who imma marry and he says our dog is a helper spirit and if she is how do u even take care of a spirit dog tf???? i love my dog but what?? idek anymore. i wanna believe him but i don't want to either. he also says he knows when and how he's gonna die. he also has a general idea of when my mom's gonna die. he also says he was abducted by aliens and shit so i rlly don't know anymore. but like i believe some of ts too like maybe there is someone looking out for me cuz sometimes there's some crazy ass coincidences but also a lot of crazy ass bad coincidences too and idk what dead ppl love me cuz idrk anyone and one time i tried to find the letters my mom's dead bsf from highschool wrote to her js to have some connection to someone in heaven which is prob a shitty thing to do and rlly selfish of me but i js dk anymore. i genuinely have no idea what's real or not anymore and i always feel fake and like im dreaming and shit and i rlly have no clue anymore im so fucking lost and i'll never b found cuz no one understands. and im being told sm different things all the fucking time idk what's real anymore and i don't even trust myself i can't do this anymore but i have to for some godforsaken reason even tho life is fucking pointless like what's even going onnnn why am i doing all this js to die what's even the point if god's real he's an asshole for making ts

I was so excited to host a big Thanksgiving meal in my husband’s and I’s place for the first time since we bought our home.

We’d done small catered or curbside heat and eat type meals before with our mothers, but this was a larger, elaborate meal with mostly homemade from scratch dishes (100% made by me)

My husband’s family have lived in the US for many years, but are originally from a middle eastern country. While my brother in law was previously married to an American woman and went to Thanksgivings at his ex MIL’s home with their kids, I’m not sure what their customs or traditions were there.

I planned a lovely buffet meal for 4pm. I set up the adult table with decor and embroidered linens. The kids table had fun activities for the kids, and I planned for a kids movie to play on the TV to keep them occupied. I had fine china out on the buffet for adults and durable paper plates for the kids with fun designs.

My husband’s family showed up 45 minutes early. I was still in the heat of cooking and popped my head out to say hi, but only his mother came into the kitchen to say hello. They immediately wanted (Turkish) coffee, which wasn’t easy to navigate with the burners full and casseroles needing to rotate.

As always, my husband jumped in to help with cooking, washing dishes, making coffee- but this did mean his family was left “alone” in the living room. My mother was out there with them, working hard to keep conversation flowing. She later told me they were very uninterested in having conversation and she felt like she was talking to a brick wall. She asked them lots of questions about their lives and developments since the last time she’d seen them, and they answered shortly, without anyone ever asking her a question back.

Shortly after arriving, my FIL had a tense conversation with BIL in Arabic, making big gestures towards the TV playing the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving movie. A family tradition of ours I wanted to continue in honor of my grandfather who had passed on, for whom Charlie Brown was a treasured part of every holiday. A frenzy ensued with the TV, with BIL rushing to change the channel to find a TV show my FIL wanted to watch. (This is AFTER my mother explained why the movie was important) They were not able to find this show, so he insisted anything else be put on (he wanted a show in Arabic), and once his show was on my FIL did not say another word for hours.

When dinner was ready at 4, I announced for them to come make a plate, and they sat for another ~5 minutes ignoring me (not even talking, just sitting there) it was extremely odd. When they came in to make plates, they immediately passed out the fine china to the 6-10 year old children and the adults rummaged through our cabinets for other plates. When I got out to the table, our 10 year old nephew was sitting at the adults table. I started to say something (we didn’t have enough space/chairs for him to sit here) but something was said harshly by my FIL in Arabic and everyone scattered to make room for the boy. My SIL ended up on the couch with the children. I was fuming at this but exhausted and sick of fighting. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t fight back against this. I absolutely should have. We both apologized to her later in the night, but it is still bothering me.

As his family finished dinner, they individually popped up from the table and went to the living room. I’ve never seen them do this in their own home- usually people sit together until everyone is done. They were at the table for maybe 15-20 minutes max, silently eating the entire time. My mother and I kept trying to make conversation but were rebuffed.

My mother was appalled by this so I sat with her at the table a bit longer, just the two of us. I heard commotion behind me in the kitchen, but assumed they were making coffee again, which I was fine with. My husband was busy entertaining the kids while my FIL took over the TV again. When I went to the kitchen a bit later, I saw one of the (hidden) pies half eaten out on the counter- not even cut, almost scraped out as if with a spoon. I had a whole spread for dessert with 3 pies, whipped cream, and ice cream, so I was really upset they served themselves (it could not have been easy to find either- I hid them well to keep the kids from going crazy) I later found out that my FIL insisted he be served dessert right after dinner to his wife, who went looking for dessert for him.

After being in our home for about 1.5 hours, including the 45 minutes they were early, my BIL was nervously pacing around grumbling about wanting to leave. He argued with his wife about getting the kids to leave, who were just relaxing and playing games at this point. The kids were extremely upset about leaving, and I interjected to ask my BIL if everything was OK, as I was about to serve dessert. He reluctantly said oh fine they can have it, which allowed me a few minutes to put out the dessert options. Everyone had dessert and seemed to enjoy it, but it was rushed. I was so upset at this point I think I dropped my mask a bit.

My FIL and MIL and two of the kids had planned to stay the night that night. My FIL had already gone to bed (at ~5:30/6) and the other kids were throwing fits about leaving. My BIL walked out of the house without his kids and left his wife and my husband to carry them out kicking and screaming. The kids were hitting my SIL and she just had this dead look in her eyes. No one else said anything or helped out with calming the kids down.

My mother and I spent a couple hours playing games with the two boys who stayed while my husband visited with his mother and cleaned up. We enjoyed the games a lot and for a brief moment, it felt like old school family time.

I thought I might have been the only one who got upset. I’m pregnant and already do not enjoy his family very much, so I thought I may have blown the events out of proportion. However, I spoke to my mom the next day and felt her heartbreak and disappointment and realized it was real- they had ZERO respect or consideration for our holiday traditions. I was flooded with memories of both hosting and being a guest for their cultural holidays, and the respect and curiosity I showed them. I realized this wasn’t just a misunderstanding or cultural difference- they are rude and don’t like or respect me or my family.

I did my best to keep the peace and be polite to the houseguests, but I was devastated at the energy depletion from hosting them. I asked my husband to please take them all out Friday and leave me home to rest. I was looking forward to eating leftovers, but his family insisted on eating middle eastern food for the rest of the meals they had at our home, so I just made myself a big lunch that day binged on Hawaiian roll sandwiches while crying it out.

I thought this would be the beginning of a yearly hosting tradition. I never want to do this again.

I'm 18 and my entire life I've been a loner. I used to not get along with any of my family or my sister and didn't have any close friends. I get along with my family now, I've got a good job, and I'm pretty happy with my life. But I have no friends. There isn't a single person I can call right now and ask them to hang out and they'd say yes or even pick up. I have all of two people I talk to and they live with me, but even they've both kind of gone off and done their own things, and I wouldn't even consider them friends.

I'm conventionally attractive and I have people dming me often on a certain site asking me if I'm single, if I want to go out etc. I mean hundreds of people have messaged me whenever I communicate that I want friends or a relationship. The issue is they only like me at face value (literally). No one has ever stayed, the only romantic partners in my life I've genuinely cared for have only ever wanted me as FWBs. I was sick with covid a while back and not one person besides my mom and dad called or texted me asking me how I was. I am so utterly alone that I'm spiraling. I just want at least one friend, or someone who will actually talk to me with no expectations of any benefits.

I have animals and I love my family, but besides those three people who I live 2hrs away from and my pets, there is no one who would be truly upset that I moved away/stopped contact. I'm just tired of it, but I don't know how to change that. I dress nice, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, I make ISO posts and go to events, but it never changes. I'll have something genuine for like a week and then things fade out no matter how much effort I put in. I just want a friend, I don't even care who it is.

If I have more than a day off work to just breathe and relax, I end up crying so hard I throw up because of how painful it is that I'm alone. No one wants to talk to me or reply to me, and I assume I'm just an insufferable person. I don't know how to fix this, and I want to be with someone who likes me for more than my face. I'm so so tired. It's like no matter what I do it's not enough and it'll never be enough. I don't see myself being happy in the future at all besides my work and animals, and I don't know how to cope with it.

I kind of just want to curl up and not exist anymore.

Yesterday, I was driving my Big Brother's bike, R15 on the highway and I was trying to get to the other side, I was at where the foothpath was connecting on the road and so I had my indicator switched on, in the right side of the bike, I slowly drove as there was no other bike I saw coming and two people riding in the bike hit me suddenly from behind on the bike and my Brother's bike went out of my control and hit someone else's bike too, I got scrapped on six places, both my elbows, the one in the right got scrapped lot more than my left elbow and one on my left ankle and two on my both of my knees, luckily no cop was called during this encounter but at the end we all sorted it out with me paying the other stationary bike's damage, all of that got sorted out but I can't forgive myself for the damage I did on my brother's bike unintentionally, he's out there working in abroad and when he comes back home he's going to find the bike in this condition, I want to make up to him but I'm too scared to tell him, letting him down was the last thing in my mind.

I have nothing to look forward to. My birthday is in a month , I’m turning 15, and I guarantee you nobody will remember it.

It’s such a stupid, small thing but not even my own family remembers my birthday. The one day that people are supposed to reach out to me. I don’t want presents; I just want people to care.

I haven’t been outside in six months. I have no friends, nothing to look forward to. I don’t even know what I want to do in life. With the way my life is going, I’ll probably end up homeless. I’ve already accepted I’ll never be able to buy a house or live a comfortable life because of how bad the economy is in my country.

I wish I could be like other kids my age. I wish I could have two parents, and live in a nice home where I feel loved and safe. But that’s never been my reality and it never will be. My childhood is practically over and I never got to experience a loving, happy family.

I wish I could see a reason to go on. Cause right now it all just seems so bleak.

To be honest with you, I don’t want to do anything with my life. There’s nothing I’m truly passionate about. I don’t have any hobbies or interests. I just sit in my bed all day like a lazy piece of shit, because I’m too depressed to do anything else.

I feel bad for complaining because my situation could be way fucking worse. Sure, my life definitely isn’t ideal. Far from it. But atleast I’m not living in an active war zone or some shit.

That only makes me hate myself even more for being so lazy. I have the opportunity to get a good education and go to university, and yet I sit in my bed rotting away because I’m just too sad to care.

It makes me feel so pathetic whenever I see girls in third world countries fighting for their right to an education, knowing that I’ve completely given up on mine for no good reason. I wish we could switch places. Those girls deserve a chance at a good life. I’m a piece of shit loool

I mean granted, I was never alive during that decade, do I never had an emotional attachment to it to begin with

But, my mother was

And her recounting of the 1980s is a world away from how the decade is often portrayed in pop culture

That being a US centric ideal

My mum was a teacher turned Ofted schools inspector at the time in the UK

She told me how she saw entire industries being shuttered so Thatcher could spite the Unions & political opposition in the wake of the Miner's Strike, which saw ordinary working people persecuted by police & media for simply wanting to keep their jobs

The fallout from that is still being felt to this day in a lot it in former industrial towns & cities north of the Midlands. My mum saw a lot of working families plunged into poverty & whole communities destroyed as a result of those political decisions

She also lost a dear friend of her's to the AIDS crisis

I guess I just don't get it

Especially if the person nostalgic for that era never even lived it, or was too young to even remember living it

I wouldn't go into such personal details on reddit, but it was a massive, crazy accusation against my loved one that I know was not true. One of my relatives has since apologised, and says they don't think it anymore. But the trust is gone. I don't think some things can be fixed. It's just sad.

I was introduced to a girl by a friend. I got her number and picked her up from the airport to take her to a friend’s wedding. She seemed nice, and the weekend went well.

I sent her a message, and she responded. Then I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving. Somehow, two messages over the course of a week were “too much.”

What really irritated me was when she had her friend tell me to leave her alone.

All I said was “Happy Thanksgiving,” to which she responded, “Thank you so much! I hope you had a great day.” I simply asked how her day was after that.

Long story short, this whole situation made me shake my head and think, “Now I know why she’s single.”

Every day I got intrusive thoughts, which all of them ends with me dead and every day I live the more probable is that I finally do it. I'm scared. I don't know why I have this thoughts. I don't even remember when I started thinking like this. I've had a good life. Supportive parents, good friends, no trauma at all. Only thing I know is that I'm not ok but I don't know why. Recently I'm having bad attitude towards my family and friends, it's not like I want to be mean or distant with them it just happens. I'm tired all the time, unmotivated. I do a sport discipline and I love doing it but now it's boring, when I'm training I just count minutes until I reach the end of the training. I don't have any ambitions recently. I had made a plan when I was younger, now I don't care at all. I guess my planning was just wasted time cause I don't think I will last that long.

I’m 26F. Here’s a summary of all the problems I have and how I see no way out.

1. I have severe anxiety and depression and currently being mentally evaluated for other shit. I’m a hypochondriac, I’m obsessive with different things, etc. My dad committed suicide when I was 11 and I think that’s where things went wrong with me. Now I can’t even remember my childhood. Let alone a few years ago! I also have extreme anxious attachment issues and suffer in relationships because of that. I feel extremely lonely.

2. Work and career. I went to school for landscape architecture. Got fired from my first job in only 5 months because I had a huge learning curve.

Got fired from my 2nd job a year into it because I developed debilitating work anxiety: I would cry uncontrollably every time I was at work and the nights before I had to go into work. Now I can’t find a job in my field because who wants to hire a work anxiety freak? So now I’m broke and living back at home making barely any money.

3. Health issues: I have severe IBS-C, which majorly flares up at jobs so I’m in pain and have a distended stomach. I have endometriosis so more pain and period/hormonal issues. I have POTS syndrome and suspected immune disorder. I have no energy all the time and in pain. I have chronic migraines.

4. Financial debt: I’m $6500 in credit card debt and have $35,000 student loans. I don’t see how I’m ever going to get out of financial debt and stress when I’m barely making enough money to afford anything.

5. I am ugly and gained weight. I’m 5’3. I used to be 110lbs to 120lbs. I went on birth control and now I weigh 140lbs. I have back and abdomen fat the most. My thighs did get bigger as well but my mid region is the fattest. I have a short torso and long legs so it looks even worse. I have a flat, square shaped ass and small boobs. I have rounded shoulders and poor posture and back pain. I have a sharp chin and bumped nose, small lips, and a big forehead. I have acne and blackheads. I have thin and damaged hair. I’ve tried so many distant different things to treat my skin and help my hair and nothing fucking works.

6. I feel alone. I don’t have much friends. My ex said I was too sad and boring.

So yep, no good career or prospects, ugly, boring, mentally ill, health problems, financially unstable and ruined….

Everything is bleak and nothing gets better.

hello everyone, i don't use reddit much but this has been on my mind a lot. I thought to post and get some people's opinion on me and get this off my mind too. English is my second language so please forgive any errors.

I (15F) am having a lot of issues in my life at the moment. I am (without any softening the blow, I'll just say my raw thoughts) a fat person, short (5'3), have a darker skin complexion than my classmates, have acne and hyper pigmentation and the only thing I like about my appearance is my hair (long natural waves in brown till my waist) but I am starting to hate that too because it has started to thin a little and breaks easily. I haven't been able to take care of it because my exams are approaching and i already have a pretty unhealthy routine with 3-4 hours sleep on average and little exercising though I have started working out at home little by little.

I have body image issues and have my whole life been a socially anxious kid. Recently I have realized through my therapist that none of my friends are actually my friends. they never talk unless I talk first, rarely take my lunches during sharing parties or in general, are hesitant in asking me for my things, and talk less to me. I am most of the time the last one to find out about stuff between my friends circle. they are all extroverts and social butterflies, while I am introverted and reserved and that has a whole backstory but let's not get into it. they all, didn't even show up to my birthday party and didn't even reply to my texts asking if they'll come or not, only two of them responded and declined while apologizing. no hard feelings for that. but I feel like I am just a doormat for everyone at this point of time. I struggle to speak up for myself and constantly feel like I am unwanted, and a burden, feeling guilty for even being present there sometimes.

due to this, school has been hell for me. I don't want to go and sit alone at a desk during lectures and isolate from everyone. I want to belong and be my own self. they all also don't respect me. any advice or criticism is welcomed, please tell me how to go about this situation.

also, I don't have the option of consulting my parents or teachers about this topic as I had tried earlier, the topic wasn't resolved but a lot of drama was there. I can't change schools and I have to attend daily, I don't get to have days off on my own will.

I don’t know how much more there is to say about this. I’m very lucky to be decent-looking and in a good circumstance. I’ve had attention from women before, but I’ve botched it because I’ve been too stressed and scared about the whole thing. So I’m not just trying to get pity or something. My anxiety and intermittent depression has just become too much for me, and my life may be ending soon. And I’d rather not die having had no successful sexual interaction.

If you’re a woman who wants to talk about this with me, please send me a message. I’m a gentle person, and not sensitive, so don’t worry about how to word things.

Thank you

I just need to get this off my chest.

For years I kept quiet about how abysmal the dating scene is in my area. Years of absolutely NO ONE in my town who is single.

NO ONE.

Years on dating apps. Days at local bars. Forever saying "yeah, I sure am trying my best."

But, damn, there is only so much a person can take of being alone. So much rejection a person can take. So much nothing waiting for them.

Though, what I've learned is, I'm not allowed to be upset. I'm not allowed to feel angry at my situation. Or else, I am an incel. Or, I'm shallow. Or, I am entitled. Or, I am in need of therapy. Or, whatever the heck else anyone can say about anyone.

I just wanna find someone.

I just want to be with someone who I can love, and who can love me in return.

I just want to be with someone who gives a molecule of a shit.

I have focused so hard on being better. So hard on improving myself. Did what I had to be happy to be me.

But, fuck, how happy can I be to be me, when no one else in the world seams to like me being me.

No one anywhere gives a single shit about what I do, where I go, who I'm with, what I say, ect.

I just want SOMEONE to care.

SOMEONE to be with.

Anyone who cares.

Life sucks.

Hello. I (16F), as the title says, I want to die, to give up. Its all too much. It all hurts. Im… Not doing too well. Im still heartbroken over my dads death… Still traumatized over being SA’d… I broke my foot recently.. I have so many medical and other problems Im surprised Ive survived this long anyways. Im.. I dont think I can do it anymore. Im tired, sad, and just… I have no hope for the future. I have no clue what to do for college. Im tired of it all. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Im too stressed yet cant take a break. Everything hurts to think about. Ive broke down several times. My foot is a breaking point. I just. I cant take it anymore. Im fat, ugly as hell, sensitive, loud, lazy, and now have to get around school with a stupid scooter, (Though the scooter is actually awesome, its very fun lol).. I know I shouldnt want to give up. But what can I do? Im tired. Tired of it all. Tired of finding reasons to stay around. I want to give up. It all hurts. The only reason Im still here is that I either think of how my friends, my family would feel if they saw what I did, or the fact Im too lazy to do anything. I want to take a break from it all. I cant do it anymore. I just cant. Im sorry. Im sorry to share this. I just. Its too much. I dont want to die, to be gone forever, but I just dont want… I just cant continue on. Im sorry for the long paragraph, and how self loathing this is. But Ive been bottling this up for… Well… 8th grade, and… Im a junior in high school (11th) now… Im so tired… So…. So tired… I would love to go to therapy for this. But I cant. At the end of freshman year in high school (9th) I was told I was on a waitlist… But its been years… And… Im not sure if that was a lie or not. Everything hurts. Id love to talk to a therapist… But I cant. I want to. I want to help myself. But I cant. I fucking cant. I want help. I need help… But I cant get any. Im havent let a soul know. But I know. And I cant force myself to let anyone know…. I want to. Ive tried to speak up. But I go silent. I cant make myself. It hurts. Im so sorry for whatever I might do. I’ll try to keep myself from doing anything rash for as long as possible. I needed to let this out. I hope you all have a great day, I will not. Please, love yourself. I am trying. But I dont know if I can. I would take time and make this separate paragraphs but I couldnt care less at this point. Goodnight/day and please, get help if you need it, please dont end up like me.

Hello my Gf and I are now 6 months. We fell pretty fast in love and everything was good. She has borderline tho. She had a really bad past and i in therapy she also has a history with drugs and has still a alcohol problem. Yesterday we were out drinking at a bar.

I got really drunk and stoned too. Long story short i started fighting with a dude. he was saying i shouldnt touch her wven thonit was my girlfriend i told him that in a mad way and suddenly it started. I got jumped by 5 people and defend myself pretty good it didnt take long til lthe cops arrived and evyrthing deescalted. Just bad kick in the belly. After that i just wanted to go home there where its started. My gf said something like aw u wanna go home now I was really stressed agter the fight and I told her to leave me alone and that she shouldnt touvh me before i guess thats the reason why she said that

Well she maid fun off it and i just went with my friend and my gfs friend walked up to me and asked what happend i called her a bitch for making fun of me. Then my gf came up to me and told me to fuck off and punchend me in the face. And yeah i did ma mistakes but idk if i can really forgive her that We both have our issues but i never harmed her. I didnt wantes to fight but after getting jumped and my gf said that to me after i wanted to home i just got too mad and insulted her but that she shit just crossded the line.

She has borderline and was really drunk its not an excuse but facorts you should consider so i really need some advice if i should give her a second chance she is going to therapy she was really sorry even tho she cant remember anything of that but yeah Mb for the grammar but im lazy af and stoned appricate every comment

This is coming from a high functioning autistic person. I make eye contact, I use non-verbal language, I respond carefully. I can switch from formal to casual speaking. I do have a harder time with small talk but I do engage in it. Yet there's always someone who I can't get off my back, not matter where I go. You could've just left me alone. Literally had someone laugh me for only being a P2 licence and not a full licence? They told this to the rest of my colleagues. I usually don't give personal information but what's so amusing about that? Good grief.

Hi. I don’t even know where to start. I’m 24F with a sweet beautiful 15 month old baby girl. I’ve never wanted kids like ever but then I got pregnant and I knew I couldn’t go through with an abortion. I even made an appointment with her father but that didn’t end up happening. I don’t regret having her per se but if I had a second chance I would be 1000% more careful not to get pregnant. Her father jumped in front of a train back in May of this year & our baby was 8 months old. He was never in the picture & I told him it was okay if he just walked away since he said he wasn’t ready to be a father and never will be. He called me twice 16 minutes before jumping and I couldn’t answer. I will always wonder what he had to say. Why did he kill himself? Was he feeling guilty? I never made him be in her life but I never opposed it either he just didn’t wanna be a father.

I don’t deserve my daughter. She’s such a sweet smiling little girl & I’m always crying or angry. I have never ever hit her or anything but I do find myself yelling at her more than I’d like and I always apologize for it but what good is that if I’m just gonna keep doing it. I should’ve never been a mom. I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I feel like a child myself sometimes and like I’m missing out on things. I will never find love either.

I have a boyfriend who I was friends with for about 4 years before we became a thing. He has not met my daughter yet but has expressed interest in meeting her and that scares me. My boyfriend has BPD so not sure if this has anything to do with it but sometimes I feel like he’s a whole different person than who I first met. He always makes me feel like stuff is my fault like any argument or what not and that he’s the victim. I’m always apologizing it seems like. We don’t fight a lot but when we do it’s always the same. It starts because I say how I’m feeling & he thinks I’m starting an argument and starts telling me off and questioning if I even love him or not. Idk this relationship is confusing. I feel like it all changed in September of this year when he confessed that he told this girl he used to have a thing with that he missed her. During that time he said we should take a break and later found out it was during the same time as when he was talking to that girl. I know I should probably leave him but I can’t seem too. I know this relationship probably won’t last long term but I’m also scared to break it off because I do love him and I’m scared to be forever alone.

Every guy has treated me like crap. I will never truly find love. My first boyfriend was abusive so my aunt and uncle took me in to live with them but a year later my uncle sexually assaulted me. I’m worthless. I’m ugly. I’m fat. I cry everyday. I’m in nursing school and I love it. I graduate December 2025 and I can’t wait to start working as a nurse. I really want to graduate nursing school but with my mental health it seems like I’ll be killing myself first before that even happens.

There’s just so much stuff happening. I’m so stressed being single mom and sometimes I feel like my daughter would be better off if I killed myself and she got adopted by two loving parents.

It’s ok and naughty

It’s almost funny

I am alone but never alone with jack

He’s making me angry yeah pissing me off

Telling me his sins are friends

And I have them too

But he’s lone gone and so is mind

I’m not looking for coal but i need to mine

Mind what’s mine like an old angel

Like my grandma said once

Yours did too but ya he’s all alone

She is he all along

As the title says, I am planning to do one of what the title is saying. My mom is removing soccer from my life. Soccer is my favorite thing to play if I am bored. Today my dad made me go to the barber and he kept shortening my hair making it look ugly. I usually have good hair, not short or too long. They keep hitting me because my dad is saying that I am dead to him. My mom is hitting me because she wants me to study all the time. I don't want to mention how my dad said to my mom not to put me any food and make me sleep hungry. I am a straight A+ student but I also care about my social life and my parents don't care at all. My dad offered me to leave the house. (I am 13 btw in high school). I just wish that I would have someone to support my decisions like planning to try out for the high school team. I wish they would support me. I don't know what to do anymore, it's been down to suicide or leaving the house. They don't care anymore. Please, if you have any suggestions on what I should do then please let me know.

There’s this girl Aiyana that I met in sixth grade. She seemed nice and friendly at first. Then she slowly started to reveal her true colors as extremely manipulative and self centered, as she started taking advantage of me for favors.

She was at worst when she tried to manipulate and trick me into giving her my mom’s credit card under the blatantly false guise that “she is going to use the money to buy decorations and throw me a birthday party.” I remember when she was pretending to be nice, she told me to never listen to anyone that says she’s mean under the guise that “they’re just jealous because you and I are best friends.”

Eventually, I have had enough of her bullshit, called her out, called the friendship over, and I told my parents. They got tired of her bullcrap as well and decided to tell the principal, leading to Aiyana getting suspended from school as punishment (in case you're wondering, my middle school actually had the courage to punish students when they were wrong, and didn’t put up with any misbehavior, unlike most other middle schools, so I was lucky, because then I could come to the principals whenever I had a problem with another student or I was being bullied (but back to the story).

Thankfully, I didn’t have to deal with her in 7th grade, as she was not on my team that year. I was also kind of unlucky (in some areas, anyway) back then, so you’d think after this, I finally am rid of Aiyana for good and have caught a break, right?

Wrong. A year later, that good turn is undone as I am paired up with Aiyana on team 8-2. She caused a LOT of issues in math class in 8th grade.

In one instance, we were doing a math competition outside, and my nice teammates were nice enough to say I don’t have to help them and I can just hang out if I want. So I did. I found 2 pieces of chalk in the process, and I just decided to use the chalks.

You’d think I was finally catching a break…until Aiyana comes along and bullies and terrorizes me into giving her a piece of chalk. I initially refused until she kept begging and whining (she even yelled in my face), so I gave her it, albeit just to shut her up. And when she was finished with it in 2 minutes, instead of giving it to me, she threw the piece of chalk in the trash just to spite me. We never had any problems from then on.

Then came summer, and my mom signed me up for Connections so I can make new friends, and I absolutely enjoyed it and was thankful that my mom signed me up (which, with how lazy kids are these days, you don’t exactly see that every day), and I was having the time of my life and it seems like I had finally caught a break this time….until Aiyana came along for the third time. When we were at lunch, she sat next to me just to spite me. When I was in the theater room, she did the same thing and sat next to me (though I DID move at all times she did so). She kept on bullying and bullying me increasingly until on the second day of Connections, I had enough to the point I cried and broke down in tears.

Thankfully, this nice mentor who was 16 at the time, comforted me and I called my mom and she comforted me and she contacted the teacher and they made sure I wasn‘t in ANY classes with her. On the third day, she tried to sit next to me, and I asked her to move, she wouldn’t move, so I said “Wow. Screw you.”.

My mom got tired of her, and she talked to her parents and sister to get to the bottom of this. As usual, Aiyana tries to play the victim. She gets offended, and tries to play the victim and paint me as the bully in front of my mom. Naturally, my mom has had enough of Aiyana’s bullshit, and tells her off and rants on her.

It’s not a good reason, but the reason she is why the way she is is because (don’t get me wrong, she was like this BEFORE the whole suspension thing) she wants revenge because she thinks I’m a snitch for telling on her in sixth grade and even now as a 15 year old, she says it is all my fault that she got suspended, and she says “Thanks a lot” in a sarcastic manner a lot too. I don’t have ANY classes with her now.

None. Zero. And I had finally caught a break with Aiyana for real after it being cruelly yanked away 3 times, and I now have a good high school experience happily ever after. The end.

I finally spent the day digging through the photos that were given to me by the estate of my late cousin. I didn't really know her very well. She was the daughter of my grandmother's brother, so I guess that makes her my first cousin once removed. These photos were given to me because I am the only local relative. They're eventually being shipped to my aunt, but my curiosity got the best of me. I went through thousands of photos spanning the past hundred years. Most of the people I didn't know. These people had lived an entire life. They had friends and family. And now they exist only in an aging photograph that's likely to be thrown away. No one will remember them. I don't even know who they are if there's no writing on the back of the photos.

And I saw photos of my late great aunt as a baby, then in elementary school, a teenager, mother, and grandmother. And then my cousin had a stack of photos labeled "DEATH." It was the last moments of her mother, passing away, being bathed, dressed, covered in flowers, and kissed goodbye after she had gone. And now my cousin is gone as well. And her son, a teenager, didn't want to keep the photos. He probably doesn't remember or never knew his grandmother. So that woman's entire life that I saw in these photos is now going to be gone forever.

I wish I'd known her a little better while she was alive.

Life is fleeting. We are here for a short while. Eventually, no one will remember you. Enjoy the people in your life while you have them.

I (19f) have been at home for a year now since I've left high school. I don't work and mostly just waste time on the internet or playing games. Of course I help around the house when aksed and I go out but I don't go to school or work and I just feel so useless. Before I left high school I did tell my parents I wanted to take a gap year to work and save for college but my dad forced me to do over a few extra classes. Now I'm home not doing anything when I just wanted a break from school. I know my dad wanted the best for me but the fact that he didn't listen and now I'm like this is just frustrating.

And he wants me to go to trading school but I already applied for a community college (which he knows about) so it wouldn't be wise to go. And now both him and my mom and making me feel bad for not working. I know i should just do what I want but I've been so sheltered my whole life that I just do what they ask. I feel trapped. Sometimes I think it'll be better if I just kill myself and get out of their hair.

I 20f, recently fount out that I'm pregnant, by my 19m boyfriend, I was told by multiple doctors due to court cases and investigations that had to go, that I was infertile. I have had (consenual) sex with only 6 people, but multiple multiple times... and I've only used a condom 3 times my entire life.

To me this is a miracle.. I do however understand his standing. And why he is leaning towards abortion. He currently had alot of side jobs and multiple things he is pursuing but nothing steady.. and I am getting a new job this Monday, 20$ an hour so good pay! ... but I think 9 months is enough time to get on my feet, I honestly don't care if I'm single parent, I have alot of fears and hesitancy with the abortion... I've already scheduled the appointment for Wednesday.

Edit: alot of people are asking how I know I'm infertile or how I was told at such a young age, I was trafficked at a kid from before even turning 2, and it went on for many years, years later at 15 when going to court against my mother and so on, they had to do multiple test on me, for proof, for the courts, to make sure I didn't have stds so on.. and during that 3 different doctors came to the conclusion I was infertile.

Edit 2: I do have a good support system, my boyfriend is saying he will stay either way, I know being a single parent isn't easy, I'm not idolizing, I'm just saying I'm willing to do that. He does have income, it just isn't the same as a "paycheck". But even if he didn't want to stay, I'm NOT intrested in babytrapping him. I have insurance to cover having the baby, and the place i live in and my situation id be able to get money for food and so on.

I think I've caught him twice now. Going into her bedroom at night without any good reason and making her cry. But I don't have any proof. Tuesday night I stayed up until 3am asking him why he went in her room. If I could describe to you how different he acted that night. I'd have to give so much backstory and detail. We've been together almost 8 years now. I know when he's lying and I know he's really good at it. He's one of those liars that believe their own lies. But he finally convinced me he didn't and would never hurt her. And then the very next morning, I hadn't prompted her or anything. She said to me "Daddy touched [her name]." I said... "Daddy touched [her name]?" And she said "Yes. I don't like that." I asked her "what do you mean by that baby?" And she mumbled a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense (she's only 2). She said something that sounded like "toes" so I asked her if daddy touched her toes with a little giggle and she said no. And I didn't want to push it further very much and she didn't want to tell me anything else.. she had just woke up so she was ready for breakfast. And then later that night for bath time she cried and pointed to her backside. I asked her if it hurt and she said no.

But since then she's been a lot more aggressive. Hitting everyone. Elbowing and pushing around her baby cousin. She seems like she has some pent up anger. And why did I ignore the signs before. She can't stand her dad half the time. She screams bloody murder when he lays her down to sleep. She screams "Mommy mommy" but he's convinced me that he needs to be the one to lay her down to sleep sometimes and she shouldn't always need mommy. I just thought she needed to get used to him? I don't know I don't know I just feel like such shit. What does someone do in a situation like this? And what if all of that was a coincidence and he's actually the amazing dad he loves to say and act like he is? Even though she screams to tell him to go away and doesn't want him around most of the time.

I don't know what to do.

Is this weird? I'm 19M, 5'10" 195lbs, somewhat muscular and I'd say I'm on the masculine side but something about the thought of having a woman who will play with my hair and have my head in her lap just puts me at ease. Bonus points if she's shorter than me and I might want to call her mommy. I feel like this conflicts with my outward appearance but it's a really nice thought to me, it would be like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I just don't want to catch any flak from my guy friends for wanting to be treated somewhat submissively. (Will post physique at commenters request)

I'll preface this with saying I'm currently 3 double vodka-waters down, so I apologize if some of this is a bit of a ramble. I'm not even sure if this is the right place for this, but I'm at the point where I just need to get this off of my chest, so the sub feels fitting.

I'm 24F (AMAB), from the UK, and have had a myriad of events impact me through my life, which leaves me here; and I'm SICK of it. I simply don't know what to do, where to go, or how to feel now. At my current point, I don't see a future for myself.

Ever since COVID, perception of time for me is completely gone. I very often don't know what day it is, I can't even recite the 12 months in order anymore. Days feel like months, but months can feel like days. Because of this, some of the timings of everything may be wildly off and things might seem in a wacky order.

First off, the good: My 3 amazing friends. I won't name names, but will just give some arbitrary initials: F, E, B.

I've known these three friends for what feels like my entire life, although in reality, I've known F/E about 8 years, and B about 6 - and in that time, the three of them are like family to me. Unfortunately they all live a minimum of 3,000 miles away from me. I heard people in college throw around the phrase "ride or die" and it never really made much sense, but I do truly know now.

Now for the bad and what brings me here.

Age 0-8 (2000-2008):

No recollection apart from very small 'snapshots' in my mind and remembering I was pretty relentlessly bullied throughout my schooling.

Age 9 (2009):

To put it bluntly I was sexually assaulted whilst in school. No other way to say it really. I've never really come to terms. I've told minimal people. Up until around August, I'd never told anybody, until my doctor made me take a mandatory psych evaluation, at which point I told F, E, and B.

Age 10 (2010):

Out of all of my family members, I honestly think I was closest to my nan. I used to visit her every weekend with my mum, sometimes dad too. I used to sleep over at hers regularly on the weekends, I'd look forward to it so often. I'd have a big blow up bed (I guess any bed is big for a 10 year old) on the floor next to her sofa. I'd sleep there, she'd sleep next to me on the sofa. We'd watch typical shitty 2010 UK TV shows like Police Interceptors, Golden Balls, Deal or No Deal. I distinctly remember we had this little tradition where we'd sit cuddled against each other and just people-watch out the window whilst eating a plate of sliced fruit and drinking a hot malt drink.

She was getting quite old at this point (mid-70's) and she began to get very ill. She never relented though, we'd still do everything we could. But I knew she was getting iller.

One day I was out with a family member and they had a call saying she'd been taken to hospital. I can't remember who took me there, but they told me we were going to the hospital as she had gotten quite ill, and after some conversing, one thing stick out to me, and will never leave my mind.

She probably won't remember who you are

We arrived at the hospital. I briefly saw her and she was asleep. Next thing I knew, she never woke up.

I don't think I've ever properly recovered from this. And I fear that if I ever found out who told me what I mentioned above, I would do unspeakable things to thhem. I think that's probably wy I've never asked my family who took me to the hosital.

(Taking a short break. Ugly-crying. Now I'm 4 double vodka-waters down.)

Age 11-13 (2011-2013):

Things started to go downhill and fast. I never managed to really fit in with anybody throughout my school life, and I noticed there was a distinct gravitation towards friend groups consisting of girls. Everyone kind of just assumed I was gay, as I acted more feminine than my peers. It wasn't until about 13 that I realized I wasn't happy with my body, and I know I didn't feel right. I had started considering what it meant to be a boy and to start growing into a man. The moment I noticed the effects of puberty, I was disgusted with myself which caused me considerable anxiety.

I fell into a pretty deep depression at the time, and I was referred to CAMHS at 13 (for those not in the UK, it's a national mental health service tailored for children). I only found out 3 months ago that they never actually actioned that referral.

I went on a seaside holiday with some family members who I hadn't seen in a while. Typical UK caravan type of holiday. We went to this odd combination of farm-shop/little kids theme-park. Picture the type where it's effectively a big farm with different activities, and a small steam-train which circles and goes through the farm. Myself, my mum, dad, brother, younger niece, all queued to get on the ride, and I was so, so insistent on wanting to sit on the back carriage but my family chose the front because it was closer, so I sat with them. The train set off and immediately I knew something wasn't right, or I think I did anyways, it might just be my brain tricking me into thinking I did. Anyways. Out of nowere my brother stood up and leant out, and shouted at the conductor to stop the ride (it wasn't fast. think typical steam-train speed), he kept shouting and we were all confused why until we looked back, and saw the carriages tipping over one by one into a ditch with water. As the train was going forward, more and more were falling, and they were all being dragged along, full of people. Babies crying, and kids and parents screaming. The conductor stopped the ride and immediately everyone who could jumped out and started pulling people up out of the carriages that had fallen into the ditch. I have a distinct memory of helping little kids out of it, and someone passing me a baby up out of the carriage from beneath me, I was holding this baby and looked at him or her and was just so shell shocked and this moment made me realize that I simply just didn't know what was going on, I just passed the baby to somebody who was next to me, and I just ran, there were no staff around helping, this happened in a secluded area of the ride, I ran and ran down the track which probably wasn't very far, but I was like, 12, so it seemed miles. I finally got to the reception area of the whole farm and in my severely out of breath and panic attack state said there was a big accident and people were hurt etc but they all thought I was joking and went "hah okay" and laughed it off. I ran back and from there I don't really remember much more. I don't know if anyone was severely injured, or if anyone died. I don't even know where it was to be able to check online or local news.

Age 14-16 (2014-2016):

I have very limited memory here, so a lot of it is going based on my psych report and medical records. The one thing I can truly remember, is that I came to the realization I was transgender, and I didn't want to grow to be a man. I went to my GP at some point when I was 16, and began the long wait to be seen by a medical professional many years later.

I was referred to CAMHS a further 4 times in these 2 years, not being seen by anybody, yet again. (for non-UK people, CAMHS is pretty notorious for being terrible)

I tried to kill myself twice. The first time I did feel really at peace. I found a seculuded spot at the top of the stairwell at school that I knew nobody ever went up, I was completely out of sight. I swiped a bunch of codeine tablets from my parents before I went to school, and took them all with a bottle of cherry pepsi. The smell of fake over-sweetened cherry always takes me back to that moment. I don't really remember much after that apart from suddenly not being there, and being in the receptionists office with my hhead nodding back and forth whilst sitting on a chair in the middle of the room with people panicking. After that, I just remember being in a hospital bed and having blood forcefully taken from me whilst I was trying to pull away (severe phobia of needles). After everything was 'finished' and I was 'healed' and back home, nobody ever talked about it. My parents hid it from everybody and never discussed it with me; didn't ask how I was etc. They just got mad at me and said I didn't appreciate everything they'd done for me in my life.

When I was 16, working in my first job (fast food), I realized that I needed to be the change in my life that I wanted to see. I went to my doctor about my depression, was immediately given antidepressants, between then and now I've been through multiple, none ever working. Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Citalopram, Escitalopram, Venlafaxine.

Fluoxetine made me numb. I struggled to even walk.

Between these two, I was fully integrated into college at this point, and kind of fell in with the wrong crowd. A group of maybe 8 of us went to go get drunk and a few of them had weed. We all went to a highrise car park so they could smoke without being seen, one of them offered to roll me a joint, I accepted because I'd never tried it before. It was laced with spice (synthetic weed), and every moment of it was horrible. I remember my vision going 'slow'. For anyone who plays games, it was like my real life vision had lagged and dropped to like 5 FPS. I remember my vision being what felt like minutes behind the audio I was hearing, almost like I was living two of the same lives simulatniously, but hearing one and seeing one at the same time. Not long after, my vision went black and I heard one of my friends at the time say "just leave him here" and then they all left.

Sertraline did absolutely nothing.

Citalopram made me a bit loopy. Felt good at first, but realized I was still very depressed and suicidal, just hyper at the same time.

Escitalopram is where things got bad. I ended up going completely hyper one night after work, without thinking, I went into a complete suicidal spiral, wrote a goodbye note, swallowed two-three boxes of them (I thought there was some kind of policy to not give those at risk with suicide, lots of prescription meds - but anyways), drank a bottle of cheap wine, and started cutting my arms. The effects of the meds were pretty quick, within about 2 hours I couldn't even stand properly, my legs were like jelly. My words were slurred, it was almost as if I was blackout drunk (wine+ssri combo would do that). I was in such a state that my friends F and E knew something was wrong purely by my typing, so they called an ambulance as they knew my address from a secret santa, and I ended up getting taken to A&E. As per the last time, I don't relly remember much other than falling over getting in the ambulance, falling out of the ambulance, and passing out in hospital. Again, after everything was 'over' and my parents came to pick me up from hospital a few days later, the drive back was filled of just them getting mad at me again, with "everyone has problems, it's not like you were raped or something" coming out of my mum's mouth. I kind of just shut down then and don't really remember much after.

Age 17-19 (2017-2019):

Went to a festival in 2017 with a group of friends I'd made a few months prior. One of them slipped what I think was ketamine into my drink and actually told me the moment I took a sip. Had to leave the stage early to get back to my tent. Passed out to the noise of fireworks from the set ending that I'd missed. Haven't talked to them in years, don't intend to.

At 18, my gender issues became very prominent, I was still waiting to be seen by a professional due to the inadequate transgender healthcare in the UK, so I ended up buying estrogen online and started taking it. I felt absolutely amazing, albeit depressed at the same time (if that makes sense). However I stopped taking it because at the time it seemed like too big of a risk, especially when my doctor kept saying "oh it won't be long before you're seen now!".

Tried to kill myself again at some point. Woke up in bed. Didn't work; carried on with my day as normal.

Age 20-24 (2020-2024):

COVID hit. We all know what that was like.

Age 20, tried to kill myself again. This time with more research and intent. Again it didn't work, woke up, cleaned up the mess of it, and carried on my day as usual.

Age 21-24, this is where things took a worse turn. Every year so far, I've had a friend commit suicide. L, Z, K, R.

L, we'd drifted quite a bit. However I still had so much love for her, I just so heavily regret drifting apart.

Before I managed to actually start to grieve the loss of L, Z committed suicide. She was a very, very close friend. We'd talk most days, had similar struggles, saw eachother somewhat often even though we lived quite far away. I was with some friends in a board game cafe at the time. We were playing Ticket To Ride. One of them went downstairs to the toilet, the other two were sitting next to me, one of them had just finished eating a burger, and their phone pinged. It was a mutual friend asking if I was with them (they knew we were all spending the weekend together). I worked with this mutual friend, so my mind spiraled thinking it was something like I was being fired at work, no idea why my mind went there. But I stood up and looked out the window to try and take my mind off of it, and my friend showed me his phone. I don't remember the message, but all I know is it was something akin to "Z is dead". It hit me instantly, I literally dropped to my knees and started sobbing loudly, I was a mess. That hour will never leave my brain, no matter how much I want it to.

Again, before I could begin to grieve Z, the same happened again. I was chatting to K from 18:07 to 21:15, which is when she stopped responding. We'd just made plans to go on a walk and watch a movie the saturday that week. K was like a sister to me, some of our last messages were simply just "luv u op xx" followed by "luv u K xo". We'd give eachother dumb kisses on the top of the head, call eachother smelly, share all of our gossip, just two best friends being best friends. At about 11:00 the next day, I found out through a mutual friend, who found out through her boyfriend, that she committed suicide at around 23:00 Just a couple hours after we last spoke. I thought it was just some disgusting prank by the mutual friend at the time so immediately I tried ringing her, blowing up her phone, messaging her on discord, everything I could. I was broken, I cried so much that I couldn't cry anymore. I never felt sadness like it, I don't even know what feeling I felt, because it was so much more than sadness.

I started buying and taking hormones online again.

Tried therapy for a few months. Got fired by my therapist.

In 2022, I had a different job at this point, I made a new friend at work, and she turned out to at the time be a really good friend, T. This only lasted about a year though. I had to travel across to the other side of the country and stay there for week. I left my house and had no intention of returning. A few weeks prior, I bought two types of medication which I won't name, but both combined, and with alcohol, they are typically always fatal. I got to where I had to go, and at the end of the trip, I attempted to kill myself. It really, should have worked - but I didn't count on the fact that what prevented it from working, was that I ate a full meal and had a few beers an hour or two prior, which when my body tried to fight off the meds, made me throw up. Most of the meds I seemingly threw up, but some of one of the two got absorbed into my body, because the next week was just pretty much a blackout. I had to use the location history feature on my phone to figure out where I'd been. Once my friend, T, found out, she pretty much immediately told me I was lying, she cut ties, so did our mutual friends. The few times I've seen her since, at work events, she always drags me to the side and pressures me into 'owning up' to lying. It's not like I can even approach this with HR, due to the topic.

I've tried again since, however again, was unsuccesful, woke up the following day, cleaned up, and continued my day as normal.

This past August, I went to a festival, on the first night everything was fine (the first night there aren't any music acts, it's just a day for people to set up their campsite). On the second day, I went to go see Two Door Cinema Club and sang my heart out, I enjoyed every moment. On the nighttime, I went to go see Blink-182, and everything went downhill from there. I bought myself a bottle of wine from the bar, managed to get myself to the front of the crowd, and a guy next to me offered me some weed. I was pretty drunk, I accepted the offer. I'm not sure if it was just weed or not, as it hit really hard. It might have just been the amount I was drinking though. A woman came up and put a straw in my bottle of wine, being at a festival, I kind of thought nothing about it, we both just vibed with the music, hugged, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and talked to the person next to me. Turns out they knew eachother. From there everything kind of just goes black, I only remember a split second of leaving the arena and walking back to my tent, just feeling really in danger. I woke up in the morning and immediately knew what had happened. I'd been assaulted whilst I was passed out. I felt disgusting, I think fight or flight kicked in at this point, I don't really remember much beyond packing what little stuff I could grab quickly into my backpack, and I ran out of the festival leaving most of my stuff behind.

Tried therapy again. Didn't get on with my therapist.

Went to my doctor, she ordered a mandatory psych eval for me. Result was an increase to the below medication, and a report that I'm showing traits of EUPD and showing signs of prodromal psychosis

I'd been taking Venlafaxine for about 3 months, however the side effects made me quit. The side effects have persisted even since quitting. Seeing things in the corner of my vision like shadows or figures. Increased anxiety. Increased depression. Increased suicidal ideation. Hearing noises, anything from my name being called, to phone ringing, to noises that shouldn't exist in the situation, such as hospital equipment noises whilst I'm in bed. Dissociation. I'm just sick of it.

Recently, I found out that my friend R, also committed suicide. I didn't even feel anything. I didn't feel sadness, I didn't feel any form of upset. I was just empty. I don't think I even cried, now that I look back? I just remember finding out and going "oh", and going to bed, then waking up and going about my day at work like normal.

I don't remember the last day I woke up, wishing that I hadn't.

I've decided to take 3-4 weeks off of work. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Go on holiday? Drink more? Seek therapy? Go to the emergency room or psych ward? I'm not decided yet, I just wanted to put this all out there in hopes that writing it somehow helps.

If you made it this far? Thanks for sitting through the ramble of which has been my life. I hope you're having a good day/night.

I've (22f) only ever been with my boyfriend (22m) of 3 years and I've never been with a girl. I would talk my boyfriend about it but I'm scared it would mess up the chill relationship we have built.

I'm getting tired of my dude fighting with me. We never understand each other. Bottom line, I don't think we are happy with each other now. I think I'm starting to see it. We been in so many problems. Honestly, I never thought I was good enough for him, when I used to be sexy. Now as a mother, well my body is gone. I don't like having sex with him, because I know he gets off watching skinny beautiful women. I'm tired of competing. I can be the horniest girl in the world, do dirty crazy things, but in the end it's not enough for him. I wasn't enough at skinny & sexy. I won't be enough now thick & okay.