Battles within myself...

I live in these constant battles within myself. I have no motivation, no desire, no drive to do anything to be productive on a daily basis and actually do something with my life or to even really just live life. I really dislike myself because I truly have no desire to even attempt to fix myself. I get depressed at because I am perfectly content living my life in autopilot, doing the absolute bare minimum to get thru every day... And then occasionally it's like I'll snap out of it long enough to realize that I am currently and have been, wasting so much of my life, not truly living and missing out on so many life experiences I just watched go by. Unfortunately those movements of realization don't last long enough to give me any motivation towards actually changing anything and/or putting myself into a deeper depression because I've wasted so much of my life already and am then too depressed which ends up resulting in me laying around feeling sorry for myself.

I DON'T feel like this is at all "normal" and yet since I have absolutely no motivation or desire to figure out if it's even possible to get some sort of help to "fix" this, nothing changes.

The sad thing is I look at other people and see that they have motivation, desires in life, discipline, drive, etc., to live a happy (happier) and successful life and I wish that I had these qualities, but unfortunately I don't... Even the things, people and relationships that I "know" or "feel" should give me the push or motivation to at least start or attempt to self motivate or a reason to drive myself, do not give me any of it and that causes me more depression because I feel even worse about myself for not having that, for not being able to pack myself to do necessary things for others or for reasons that should matter the most...I end up feeling even more broken, even less "normal".

Honestly I'm not even sure at this point of you and I are even talking about the same things... But it does feel good to express the constant battles I'm fighting within myself and the possibility that there are actually people who understand these battles and the fact that that's pretty much what my life consists of, battles within myself because I don't have the qualities that "normal" people have to be productive on a daily basis and the battles I have within myself because I'm not all of these things and don't have the strength or the care to even attempt to change any of it.

Hi! Pretty much the title :) I (19F) have no interest in anything- or at least not long term. I’m enrolling in subjects for my second year of uni, and nothing appeals to me. I don’t like my course- not any more than the first 2 I tried. I have no interest in doing any other course. I was secretly hoping to fail one of my subjects this past semester so I had an excuse to rage quit (drop out). But I passed. Don’t really want to work anyway. Get bored at home. I don’t have any friends, which I’m okay with I think. Don’t play any sports/instruments/art/have hobbies. I guess title isn’t entirely true- i actually find so many things so interesting! except for when I actually have to focus, or work through a problem, and then I lose interest. Not from a rich family lol. My family annoys me and I have no real attachment towards them, even though they’re perfectly normal people. Can’t say if miss them if something happened to them- might actually feel relieved- which is a terrible thing to think about them, but at the same time I don’t understand why I am obliged to be forever connected to people I don’t like, just because they decided they want a kid? Anyway. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I just want to be left alone by everyone, but that won’t happen. I’m scared to drop out because I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me, but I genuinely do not care about my course. And at the end of the day, I have to pay for it. I see other people travelling, working and earning money, going out with friends, or working hard for the careers they want, and I used to get jealous, butI don’t really anymore. It’s like I’m watching stuff that isn’t real, and I don’t resonate with it at all. And all that ‘comparison is the thief of joy 🥰’ crap makes no sense, because turns out even when I’m not comparing myself to other people, I still feel like shit! I tried therapy a few years ago via my gp recommendation, but I just lied the whole time and said I was fine (some other stuff happened too which made me actively dislike her, but even before that I didn’t really say anything of substance to her). Don’t really want to talk about my feelings with a stranger, and I don’t see how that can help me. Also, most of the time I’m good! Not happy, per se, but not sad or upset either. Just don’t really have anything on my mind. I know this post is all over the place and kinda a whole lot of nothing, but I guess I’m just venting? Anyway, if anyone can tell me exactly what is wrong with me and how to fix it quickly and on a budget, that would be great! Help a girl out 🙏✨

So me and my boyfriend just broke up, found out he's been cheating on me with like a half dozen other people, knew he was a narcissist since the first week of us dating with the ways he treated me, but apparently we were never dating and he never saw me as his boyfriend or even a friend, I've been as open and honest with him as I could be, and he met that with literally nothing but lies. So I'm wondering what the fuck did I do wrong to be met with all this bullshit, I know I'm still pretty new to all this cause I'm still only 18 and that there's probably gonna be plenty more opportunities for love in my life, but actually what the fuck is happening anymore, why do all the people who've been attracted to me have to be so fucking arrogant and cowardly. Why the fuck is communication so fucking difficult for these people if he didn't love me why couldn't he have just said that instead of leading me on for 3 months and acting like I'm the one in the wrong when he was the one constantly putting me down. Like what the fucking shit is this anymore.

This has been eating away at me for almost two years now. It all started when I finally began therapy and got on medication, but the road to that point was messy, to say the least. I had to hit rock bottom before anything changed.

There were moments when I was so utterly miserable that I couldn’t even recognize myself. My dad was the one who stepped in and called for help when I couldn’t. Before that, he drove hundreds of kilometers just to see me—just to hug me and make sure I wasn’t completely alone. I remember breaking down in his arms, howling that I wanted to quit everything, and he cried right along with me.

Eventually, the medication started working, and things improved. I didn’t feel so helpless or unmotivated, and I wasn’t spending every moment in bed just trying to escape the day. But now that I’m in a better place, I can’t stop replaying what happened between us during that time.

How do I stop feeling so awkward around him? He’s seen me at my absolute worst, and while I know he loves me and doesn’t think less of me for it, I can’t seem to let it go. He saved my life in so many ways, and I’m endlessly grateful for that—but it also makes me feel so exposed.

It’s like he’s seen parts of me I wish I could erase, parts that I’m ashamed of, even though I know I shouldn’t be. That feeling of being emotionally raw, almost stripped bare, hasn’t gone away. Every time I’m around him, I can’t shake the thought of how bad I was and how much I leaned on him.

I want to feel close to him again without this weight hanging over me. I don’t want the past to define how I act around him now. I just don’t know how to move past this mix of shame, gratitude, and vulnerability. Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you repair your own sense of self after someone has seen you so broken?

I just got broken up with and im trying to find ways to get over her at least keep busy, any advice?

Hello, I am (27M). Exactly a month ago i sudden stopped feeling much of anything. I wanted to get my focus on my studies to get a good job and also grow as a person. For it i started reading good fiction books which i enjoyed amd wanted to read as a kid. I got some good help books to boost my memory for exams. I was preparing for my exam mostly 6hrs per day. It didn't feel like a burnout. The studying was on and off. I used to study when i felt like it and rest of the time i was writing stories of fantasy or trying to learn to draw. OVERALL i felt good no matter what i did. Since more than a week i feel nothing. No interest in anything in particular i feel as in auto pilot. Just existing. I have not read anything or wrote anything even for my exams i am delaying studying. I don't feel particularly depressed as i am going out and doing stuff talking with friends. I am faking my emotions around them it feels like that i think. Only emotions i feel are either mostly anger or sometimes sadness with makes me cry a drop or two. I don't feel warm fuzzy feelings when the girl i like texts me back. I used to feel them before. I don't understand this. Can i get help help?

My partner ridicules me in front of our kids. I can't talk about my interests or beliefs because they are "not true". I have to hide who I am from the people who are supposed to love me and I have to pretend to be someone I am not.

i broke up a my ex around 6 months ago, we were off and on for around 2 years and he ended up cheating on me. but unfortunately i see this guy around a lot since we work and live in the same area, I don’t miss him and I’d rather choke on a popeyes biscuit then get back with him. The weird part is i haven’t seen him at all until this recent month and frequently too, i even had a dream about him but i was soo upset that i woke myself up.

The relationship was toxic but when it was good it was goood.And thoughts of linking w him again feel like intrusive thoughts and for a second i crave to be held by him and have someone be so madly in love w me like he did (clearly not that much if he cheat, right? lmao AAAAAHHHHHHH; i won’t ever understand it), and it’s been happening a lot. I don’t understand why he’s been ‘invading’ my life again and I could use advice on what to do. I tried getting into the dating scene but i’m just not feeling it.

It’s mainly just me affected by this but since the start of 7th grade in middle school (I’m in high school rn), ever since I watched a movie with her and two friends at school something just clicked when I saw her smile at part of the movie, and I’ve liked her ever since. It’s been around 3 years now but every attempt to get over her doesn’t work cause she’s genuinely a nice person. The first year my friend dated her and made me go around with them in summer school over and over, which really pushed me. Ever since that she’s dated so many of my friends, even just for a couple of days, which I know is bad but I still like her. I’ve tried ignoring liking her, but that led me down a long, bad rabbit hole, then there was getting with my first and only ex, which just drifted us apart and had her cussing me out. I just really don’t know what to do, can you guys give me a better view of this?

I'm still obsessing over my ex some 18 months after a break up. This one is the first time I've ever felt a truly symbiotic relationship with a girl. Genuine love. I have her blocked on all socials because I know looking at them will only cause me pain. But recently I've been wanting to check them a lot.

I haven't yet let myself. I'm pretty confident she has a new boyfriend, which devastates me. If I can't get over her, how can it be fair that she has moved on?

But at least without being able to see anything it all lives in my obscured vision. "Schrodinger's ex" if you will.

Just looking for reaffirmation, I should keep her blocked shouldnt I.

I’m sick and tired of Married females trynna fuck .. like please I have fckn morals.. one time I don’t mind 😂

So this actually happened a while ago, but I'd been thinking about recently, and always have from time to time. I'd (f23 at the time) just gotten back in touch with an ex bf, Harry, (23m) after a few years, he had been my "first love" and seeing him again had rekindled some old feelings between us. One evening we had a few drinks together and caught up, and it seemed as though it could end up leading somewhere, I thought for us both. The following evening, he was coming over to mine again, along with my cousin, Charlotte, (f23) for a few drinks (I'd told her I felt something could happen with me and ex, so she knew I had those feelings).

That night, after we had all had quite a lot to drink and were ready to sleep, they both decided to just crash at mine, so while I went to my bed alone, they stayed in the living room on 2 different sofas. I woke up not long after, and went to get a drink quickly, but was crushed to walk in to them cuddled up on the same sofa, asleep, but with her hand in a sensitive place on his body, and it was obvious that something had happened between them. I was so hurt and angry, so shouted to wake them, they woke and quickly jumped away from each other, claiming it wasn't how it looked, that nothing had happened, but I told them both to get out, and was left feeling betrayed and alone. I heard nothing from either of them the following day. I know we weren't together or anything, but I still felt horribly hurt and betrayed by both of them, it was already a difficult time in my life (I'd fairly recently been through a bad breakup, left a single mother to a toddler after escaping her abusive father) so this betrayal and rejection felt all the more devastating.

The following day, I got an unexpected call from said cousins partner, Ben (m25) (yes, she was in a relationship at the time) asking me if I had been comfortable the other night sleeping in their shared bed at home, (the night I'd found them together. It took me a minute to work out what he was saying, and then it clicked. After they'd left mine, they must have gone back to the home she shared with her partner (he happened to be away that night) and spent the night together in their bed. When Ben noticed that the bed looked as if it had had 2 people in it, she had told him that it had been me that shared the bed with her after a night out, and he'd had his doubts, so called me. I told him that I'd not been in their bed, and that the 3 of us were drinking together at mine but they'd both left last night and I assumed Harry had dropped her home and then gone home himself (I didn't tell him then how I'd found them). Theyd obviously spent the night together, and she'd had the audacity to tell Ben that it was just me who'd spent the night with her.

Ben was looking after his and Charlotte's daughter that afternoon, so asked if he could pop round for a chat, my daughter was around the same age so it wasn't unusual for them to have play dates anyway. While the children played, I explained what had really happened that night, and he said that he'd had his suspicions that she'd been with another man already so for him this was enough proof.

When Ben later confronted Charlotte with it, instead of admitting to anything or showing any sort of remorse, she went straight to accusing her partner and I, of being the ones who were having an illicit affair, and that while he'd been here (with both our children present) we hadn't been talking about what had gone on with her and Harry, but had instead been hooking up with each other! Not only did she accuse us both, she quickly went around telling our friends and family this new, make believe version of events, in which she was the poor, betrayed victim of her partner and cousins affair, while she'd done nothing wrong and was heartbroken. When I tried talking to her, she refused to admit to anything, firmly sticking to saying that she believed that I'd slept with her partner, that she'd done nothing wrong and I was a liar as well as a home-wrecker, and then just refused to talk any further. Even worst, a lot of family believed her, and still give me the cold shoulder to this day. This was all years ago, and she's never admitted the truth, and I've never told everyone what had really happened.

Despite all of this, I have never bothered to engage in any gossip or tell my side, other than that I'd not slept with Ben. I was hurt enough as it was, and didn't want to be dragged into a mud-slinging match it being all my word against hers, especially as she was clearly perfectly willing to fabricate anything she could to turn me into the bad guy. I decided that anyone who so readily believed her wasn't a real friend anyway, and that I didn't care what they thought.

Unfortunately, I cared a little more than I thought I would, but after a while, I think no one would have believed that I hadn't just outed her at the time, so her version of events, entirely made up, is what people have always thought happened. Even though this all happened years ago, I've moved away, and have nothing to do with any of them anymore, it's still something I think about often, and I just can't seem to move on from those feelings of how badly she betrayed me, and how unfair it is that she got to play the victim and be given all this sympathy, while I lost friends and had my reputation badly damaged, for having my heart broken by two people I thought I could trust. I hate that she still has this power over me and is still messing up my head with all of this, but I just don't know how to get it out of my head, get over it, and move on. It's not like I think about it all the time, but it pops into my head often enough to be upsetting and I just wish I could forget it about it all. Anybody have any advice on moving on from something like this? It just drives me crazy sometimes.

TLDR: My cousin hooked up with my ex while I was hoping to rekindle an old relationship, but accused me of being the cheat and everyone believed her, now I can't seem to move past it.

My ex and I were together since we were in school, and were each others' firsts (I was even his first kiss). We got along really well on most levels, and we didn't break up because we fought or because we hated each other, we just finally realized we're fundamentally incompatible. I feel like so much break up stuff is like "my ex was evil!", and sometimes I think it might be easier if I could be angry, but I'm mostly just sad.

(This song has been helping me process but I'd love others like it if anyone knows any. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2t8olwFW8g )

Hey there,

I know this might feel random, but if you’re going through a tough time, just know that I get it. A few years back, in 2020 and 2021, I was in a dark place too. I struggled with all the usual stuff—porn, junk food, mindless scrolling—and just felt down all the time. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle, trying to escape but not knowing where to start.

Things have changed a lot since then. I was able to turn things around, and now, I genuinely love my life. Through this journey, I found myself helping others online who were facing similar struggles. Over time, that kinda became my purpose. Even though I have studied psychology but I’m not a therapist, I'm more like a friend who’s been through it and came out on the other side.

Today, the people who I’ve helped call me a self-improvement coach (though I just think of myself as someone who cares). Usually, my time is paid, but honestly, that’s not what this is about. I remember what it was like when there wasn’t anyone around to listen or guide me. So if you’re struggling, I’d be more than happy to hop on a call with you—just one, totally free, no strings attached.

This isn’t a therapy session, just a safe space with someone who gets it. You don’t have to be alone in this, and it would make me happier than anything if I could help someone who needs it.

If you’re interested, drop me a message. Let’s figure things out, together.

Take care

Hi, I'm young in high school etc. won't specify age don't rlly think it's important. Look I've been obsessed with this girl, talked to her since 7th grade, on and off talking, we've liked each other before but we didn't go anywhere. She could tell me anything, tell me about problems and she was just really sweet to me from then till now. We were doing fine until she didn't respond, but the issue is I get obsessive and sent a bunch of messages asking where she was etc. I feel like what I do I can't get over her... What should I do? Thanks Cam

I just fell after going my farthest on getting over it

I hate being seen as weak, by anyone p much. And I always feel weak. I always feel like my sense of self worth is very specifically wrapped up in the sinking feeling that life is against me and trying any harder might kill me but I’d better do it anyway. I’ve felt genuine pride over my ability to do things that actively fuck my life, health, sanity etc. if it means someone else’s life is made slightly better. I still wanna do some things cuz they’re something I wanna accomplish, but anything that makes life easier? Less stressful? Not on hard mode? It makes me wince and think “yeah this whole regular sleep thing is great and all but we all know you don’t really wanna need it forever right?” I tell others things that I want them to believe like that it’s not weak to ask for help, but I kinda choose to believe it is weak to chase that feeling. And it’s lead me to a point where chasing that exhaustion and suffering has lead to…how do I put this…borderline self harming thoughts and behaviors? And has made accomplishment feel less like a thing I can be proud pf more like a brief escape from the existential feelings of weakness and worthlessness. Anyway, I wanna stop being and thinking this way, where do I start?

Okay so I (21F) am doing bachelor's. I have a classmate I find cute. In our first year I used to find him cute. We flirted for some reason six months into our first year for two/three days. After that he started ignoring me. Later I found out he got in a relationship. I didn’t mind much. It was alright.

So in our second year we had a big fight. Few days later we talked about it. After resolving the issue we started talking more. I realised he was flirting with me. At first I didn’t respond much but after a while I too started responding (he had broken up with his gf. And I thought let's just have fun. No issue). So we used to talk all night. We went on three dates (platonic) secretly. ( I am a sheltered girl. I never dated or went on a date ; romantic or platonic ; with a guy or held any guys hand).

After a while he again started ignoring me. I knocked first. I always made the first move. I started missing him. Later I found out he got back together with his ex gf. Maybe after that a month or so later he again started flirting with me. He hid from me that he has a gf. But I knew. Anyhoo I still did respond ( I am an idiot and I thought it was harmless. Ik I deserve hell)

Later in some fun conversation between our other classmates his gf was brought up; he again tried to hide it but I let him know that I already knew. But even then we kept flirting anyway. Anyhoo things went on like that. He was hot and cold with me. (He flirts with other girls too btw. Though only I respond ig. I mean he looks at every girl like they are the best thing on earth. So basically he is that kind of guy. Idk the word)

Coming to now : For some reason he is angry with me. I didn’t do anything wrong from my point of view. It is some internal fight in class. Nothing to do with us. He is again ignoring me. I made the first move again. To make things better between us. But he doesn’t respond. I keep wanting to give him a message. Send him a good joke, music anything that reminds me of him and gets us back into that fun magical flirty stage.

I know I am an idiot to not realise it earlier. I had doubts but was pretty confident that I would not fall for someone who is so disrespectful to me ; emotionally unstable and unavailable. Now I am thinking I like him more than I should, romantically even. I think the fact that I see him everyday almost is messing with my head. So how do I get over him? How do I ignore him when I almost always want his attention? I know I am very old but I have always been in only girls institutions so I never had to face these kind of internal conflicts.

A message; A text; A voice; A sound;

I kiss the signs in the woods; As I drive 45 under 30;

When I walk, it's alone; Because I walk with a friend I can't see;

I turn North; Off road; With no clear path; And walk that way;

It's what I know; Only intention; No outcome;

I failed my task; With a friend I once knew; In a time we were supposed to grow;

A message; A text; A voice; A sound;

I kiss the signs I never saw; A truth never told; A history I'll never know; I never knew my friend;

I turn North; It's what I know;

I never knew. I wish I did. I could have done better. We could have been happy.

How do I let go of a wife I failed? How do I accept her leaving?

hi all, as i type this i currently am sitting in my bathroom trying to muster up the courage to just clean myself. its probably been at least 3 weeks since i properly showered, maybe more. i know im really fucking gross.

i used to hate showering because the house i lived in was filthy; the shower was always infested with spiders and mold, so i wouldnt bathe often. then when winter came, we had no heat, so id shower even less at that time. and of course, my depression made it nearly impossible to shower in the first place.

i moved in with a very generous and beautiful friend, and i take showers more often, especially since i also have to go to work now. but i still really, truly struggle to get myself in there. its so stressful and awful. i hate everything about showering.

i tried buying nice soaps and lotions and stuff, but none of it really motivates me to consistently clean myself. i have an easier time washing my face/brushing my teeth. i dunno, any tips guys? i considered maybe if i had a really nice bathrobe or towel or something maybe itd make the transition easier, but idk if im just being a pussy about the whole thing.

I need some beautiful humans, depressed to the Max I'm depressed, confused and brsin fogged. My long term anxiety, depression, and somatization are killing me in the last 2-3 months. I'm in decline, I resigned from my job I isolated myself from freinds and families, not because I want to, but there is a power stronger than me that I can't resist now ... What's more, my medicine is out of stock since 2 weeks and so a further decline. Didn't leave home in 2 weeks, didn't pick phone calls from freinds and family members, always alone in my room. I'm dysfunctional, god granted me some intelligence and capabilities. I resigned but I'm still getting offers while I'm home not making an effort looking for another job. I get called, schedule interviews, abd skip them. I paid a substantial amount of money to pursue further education and I'm lagging behind already.

I feel I'm being forgotten gradually due to my own isolation. I find it more than difficult to get out and socialize. I'm sensing the danger, I need people to talk to, to socialize with eve if on social media, I need to speak at least from behind a screen to feel I'm still connected and alive I'm unsure if the sub allows but anyone feels like can helps, listen and chat just DM me on my ig H.Alshai5. The story is much more complicated, I have been sleeping for full days, not eating for days and not talking to anyone or doing anything other than scrolling though social media aimlessly. There is so much to say and express.....

Despite what they say…

Although everyone has told me since the end began I shouldn’t do shit for you…I have tried and done all that I could while I could. “Take care of yourself.” “Fuck her she wanted it this way, she asked for this.” “She’s taken enough from you.” “Let the replacement pay for it.” These are the things I’m being told by my circle…have been since this started. I don’t care…I know who I am and the man I am…regardless of what anybody thinks of me. And though my current situation makes it even more challenging and despite what I know now to be true. I will do my best to help you as WE get through what may be the final chapter of our time together.

I will do my best to provide, at minimum what you have asked me for. If I’m able I will do more. There’s a couple of reasons why. Despite what others think or have said…and despite my faults and mistakes…I’m a good man. Another is that you deserve it and are owed it. You tried…you loved me and continued to try and help and support me when any one else would have bailed a long time ago and I respect and appreciate that. So to me…you’ve got it coming. Another thing is that I was there to witness how the others left you. Unlike them, I loved you deeply and sincerely. It wasn’t an act…it was all real on my end. Lastly…as stupid as it sounds…I still love you…with all my heart. I will never heal from or get over this loss. I will mourn forever. I may move on, may find someone new and love them. But I will never get over you. I will never fully give myself to anyone again…for myriad of reasons I’m not going to get into now…there’s no point. And although I realize the changes are miniscule and highly unlikely at best…I’m still holding on to that little bit of hope. You know what hope I’m speaking of. Please never tell me there is none…even if that’s the truth. I mean there’s plenty of truth you’ve kept from me. Keep that one from me too. Because that hope…along with very few other things…is what’s propping me up and keeping me going right now. Don’t take that from me too please.

I will do what I can to provide what you’ve asked for. I sincerely have a heart full of love, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. For everything. I hope it all works out how you have it pictured. I hope you’ve finally found what you’ve been wanting all these years. I hope you have your happy ending. Truly that’s what I wish for you.

As for me…not sure if you even care. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Not really concerned about it…because it may not even arrive. I’m just focused on what I can do today and that’s it. For the first time in a very long time, I have options, I’m not trapped and I feel very optimistic. Standing before me is a lathe blank canvas…and I can do what I want with it. And that’s a good place to start.

I will always love you. I am grateful for the time we shared and the good things it created in me. I will never hate you or fell resentment for you. I will cheer for you and the life you make from here on out…you will just never hear them. And I will never close the door on “us”…though I know I should. I just can’t. You will be with me everywhere I go and I will see you in everything I look at and I will hear you in every song. I promised to love you forever until I leave this place and I will. But you will likely never know.

And with tha, MD?…I say, not goodbye…but, “I’ll see you later.” XXOO

My mom would always allow my sister to make fun of me everytime when we were younger. I would tell my mom everytime that I hated her doing it but my mom would always make excuses for my sister saying it's just a joke. Inwould always punch my sister for the shit thay she said to me and my mom would always say I have anger issues because of it. But even when I did just make of her back my mom would give me shit for it. I could never come up with a clever comeback at all and it always pissed me off. I hated how my mom would always excuse what my sister said even it she thinks it's just a joke.

I hate how my mom always seem to go out of her way to help out my sister. One time when we were kids I begged my mom for months to get me a ps3 but she kept telling me that we didn't have any money. But then one day my mom bought my sister a $600 camera for my sister just because she asked her. I was extremely pissed off because she just asked her once and she bought it for her. My sister even told me that my mom always had money she just always told me that we didn't have it so that it'd get me to stop. My sister even said that my mom had no real authority so that she could do whatever she wanted.

What annoyed me one time was that back in 2022 I was only working part time and still going to school. I wasn't even making that much for anything. My sister always goes on trips all the time because her boyfriend pays for it. My sister would always give me shit for this whenever I complained about it saying oh just save money. Well I'm not making much and u have someone paying for u.

One time I asked my mom to help for for a ps5 because I was only working part time and I needed more money. But on that day when she came home she kept saying she didn't have it. And she kept letting my sister but in the whole time. My sister kept saying oh she pays for your car shut the hell up. She them said go live on ur own and get out of here. And I couldn't take it. I know that my mom also helped pay for my sister's car and also gave her money whenever she wanted.

I couldn't control myself when my sister said all those horrible things and then I grabbed the vacuum and I best her up with it. And I don't regret any of it I don't care how that sounds. She said the most retarded shit to me and she always gets away with it and my mom always allows it and because I don't react calmly to it my mom says I have anger issues. A half hr later she calls the cops on me. They handcuffed me and my mom didn't even tell them what my sister said she just said it was the ps5 the whole time and that I have anger issues. I didn't even tell the cop the whole truth because they handcuffed me. I hate my mom for this and I always will. I hate how she made my sister seem like the victim when she fucking said all those horrible things and expected me to just take it all like she always does.

Time afterwards I would beat up my mom for what she had done. And again I don't care how that sounds. She tried to minimize what she had done and act like I should get over it. She always minimizes the dumb shit that she puts me thru.

In December of 2023 we went to a trip thru the Philippines. For a year we were talking about this trip and I would always tell my mom not to let this trip end up with us barely doing anything like the past few times we went there. And again like she always does she kept promising that my relatives had an itinerary and that they had a lot planned for us.

But then one day my mom says that they were going on a trip to a springs. I was told that they were going to the store and that they'd be back soon. I waited for hours and them nothing. I had told my mom before we had to do something and not waste anymore time doing nothing this whole trip. We had done a whole 8 hr car ride for nothing just to meet my uncl3s fiancé's family and we didn't even get to actually meet them.

When my uncle arrived he told me that my mom and aunt were at the springs even tho they had told me they were going to come back. I told him I wasnt told anything and then he just laughed. I got extremely pissed off.

I got so pissed off I ended up taking some frames in the room and threw them against the window and it broke them. My uncles and cousin got extremely pissed off at me. Calling me useless and yelling at me. Telling me that they told me where my mom was going and that I was useless and should be ashamed of depending on my mom and that I couldn't even put on my underwear.

I told them I was going to kill myself and my uncle just said to go and do it by a bus and not here at the house. I was pissed off as all hell. I was lied to and then they said all this horrible shit to me.

My mom keeps saying she won't give them any shit at all for what they said because they were mad about the window and I told her that doesn't make it ok. All my mom kept doing was pointing at the window and saying loon at what u did. The horrible shit they say was never justified.

My mom keeps defending them this whole time and tries to act like they didn't mean wut they said. Yet they never apologized or even told me they didnt mean it. They refuse to apologize and keep thinking they were justified. All these things my mom has done to me and I hate her even more.

I really want someone to tell my mom what they said wasn't justified and calling the cops on ur own son was extremely stupid

There’s a lot in my life i don’t like, iv struggled with weight and alcohol, iv had difficulty making friends and maintaining romantic relationships, I don’t have a career in the field i wanted out of high school or a good relationship with my overall decent parents, a lot of health problems especially post covid. I was a good student and athlete; not all As or a state champion but top 10% of my class and best SAT, went to state 3 years for track once for Xcountry. I looked at a really lot of schools eventually applied to 10. 4 were a reach and i ddnt get in. I was waitlisted at Reed, UW-Madison (out-of-state) and Holy Cross. Got into my safety schools, Seattle (first choice but financially impossible) Loyola Chicago (where i assumed i’d go and earn a track scholarship) and Hampshire (who offered the best package) My dad wanted me to go to LUC and my mom Hampshire, they decided they could only help pay for hampshire and so a went and experienced the culture shock of a life time. I can get over not running in the olympics or going to an Ivy. I can get over being single and not working in democratic campaigns. But i’m nearly thirty years old, still furious over my last year of high school, Why couldn’t i get in to Reed, UW or Holy Cross? Why could I go to Loyola-Chicago? I’m literally crying as i write this how do i move on?

I need the truth…the whole enedited truth. All of it. I’m better off checked out of reality until I can get it. I could drop thousands of more dollars, dig deeper and find out more if not every thing. But that required subpoenas and special permissions from these companies to access that information…and I assure you it can be done. It has been demonstrated to me at a high cost. that stuff cost a shit load of money…and I don’t see the point of doing that just so I can fully understand what took place.

That’s money I could use to provide for you while we’re going through this process. I was doing the right thing and providing what I could for you while I could. I was fine with it and I was doing better then mentally than I am now. What took place at the shop that day was before I knew ANYTHING and had not spoken with an attorney. I had some suspicions and gut feelings before that…long before that when your behaviors toward me started to change.

I noticed it but I never said anything…I felt like there was nothing I could do about it and I knew you wouldn’t tell me so I just allowed it hoping that I could get myself together and try to fix it. I had already forgiven you. I didn’t realize you had already pretty much made up your mind and had a plan ready to set in motion.

But when you made love to me and seeing you perfectly groomed and the things you were saying…that you were actually saying to yourself…pretty much let me know what was up. But that time with you…whether it was an act or not…made my heart flutter and filled me with hope that things could be salvaged and possibly fixed and that maybe forgiveness for EVERYTHING could be handed out all around. And you told me that day whether we could be together or not that my mental health was the most important thing to you. But then the things that were said in the days after that made me realize that it was deeper than I thought. And it sent me spiraling into a whirlwind of conflicted emotions and triggered the episode that I’m currently fighting…which has just kept escalating.

Then after talking to the first attorney and being given a warning about how much potential trouble I could be facing if that was in your plans…and not to respond to, talk to or go anywhere near you…no matter what you had to say…sent me spiraling even further and faster heading towards being completely out of control…and in desperate fear for my future and filled me with an out of control anxiety that became a rapid cycling mixed state sprinkled with EXTREME anxiety…in the middle of a turnaround where I was exhausted, out of my daily routine and not sleeping well…which just compounded everything even further into it.

Then in our second meeting she gave me what she had found and then I looked into it and it sent me COMPLETELY ever the edge…that’s when I hired the new one…and he set me up with his guy and after learning that and actually reading some things and seeing it with my own eyes…I had the worst panick attack I’ve ever experienced and left straight from his office and I checked myself into not so great mental health facility Memotial Day weekend…and I could tell right away it was not the place I needed to be…I’ll explain further if given the chance. But that was the night that texted you about it and you had your standard reply of not knowing what I was talking about and it made no sense to you. I checked myself out of there and tried to find another place to go but no beds were available. I found a place somewhere else and checked myself in there…but there was confusion at check in and they put me in a ward with the criminally insane who were court ordered to be there for extremely bad crimes and was more scared than I’ve ever been in my life…again I’ll explain further if given the chance. I had to get my attorney involved to get me out because of the confusion…they would not let me out.

I was in the darkest hours and days I’ve ever experienced in my life at this point but I tried to go back to work and simply could not function…the following Friday they laid me off with the opportunity to return once I got through this and got myself together.

So here I am…in literally the worst shape I’ve EVER been in my life…EVER. I have since been trying to solve a math equation without all the numbers…a puzzle without all the pieces. I need the truth son I can process it, deal with it and make peace within myself and move on. You said you want me to have the best shot at a future I can have…I want that too…whatever it is going to look like.

I see no point in trying to use any of this against you…it’s not like we have a multi million dollar estate to fight over. It’s clear that we’re over and will never be…you have made up your mind and moved on…that’s fine I’m okay with that.

I’ve seen this movie before…I was just a different character when it started…Now I’m the previous guy in the movie. You have obviously done to me what happened to him and you have a new ME. That’s okay. I’m begging you to just drop the mascarade and just drop the whole truth on me and punch me in the chin with it. I at least handle that and know what to do. I get dropped stand up and dust myself off and move forward without you. I cannot recover if you do not give me this grace. I will continue to stay checked out of reality at ALL COST…because I cannot face the reality of not knowing what the FULL REALITY IS.

I will forever walk around with my calculator trying to solve the unsolvable equation because I don’t have the numbers. At least in my current state there are moments of blissful unawareness of reality.

If you ever loved me and truly care for my mental well being and all the things you said…you will do that for me. Stop playing the game with the number one rule of deny deny deny. I am not the previous guy and can’t move out without it. I am not cold and unlike him I TRULY LOVE YOU…I cannot walk away and start over and find peace because I have you every part of me and trusted you with all my deepest fears and insecurities…and you gave them all to me times ten.

I know this is my fault…I failed you and did not fight my depression hard enough to love you how you needed me to…I know it and own it. YOU are the only one who can give me peace and a shot at a real future of any kind. I mean you know harm and swear I will never bother you again. If you find your way back I will be here. But until then allow my mind to rest so I can recover and rebuild my world and be the best ME that I can be please I’m begging you. I know you’re seeing this! I know it. PLEASE…

Hi everyone,
I'm curious, has anyone here ever heard of or used methods of healing from trauma that involve self-directed compassion? What modalities have you experienced/currently use that have worked for you?

I experienced a lot of childhood trauma and physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse. I was in therapy for 10+years, and I've been on medication for a long time. About two years ago I discovered a healing modality that focuses on self-directed compassion. I was very skeptical at first as I'm sure most trauma survivors can relate, but I have to say, after being open to trying it it's now become my primary modality that I use everyday. It always helps me to feel better within myself and to be more compassionate and loving with myself, things seem to get better in my life from that place.
I decided to become a certified practitioner so that I could help people to open to their own warm, loving compassionate heart energy and learn how to heal themselves.
I'm fully aware that it may not work for everyone or be everyone's cup of tea, everyone has their thing. But it's really been the key that has helped me to transform my life.

It's been two and half years and I really don't know how to heal from it. We both created a shitty situation through repeated miscommunication and failure to communicate and it resulted in him abandoning me for a girl. We had issues in the past and had even separated for a short time but when he wanted to discuss things, I would. It hurt me deeply that he would deny me that same gesture. He abandoned me by leaving me a lengthy text message essentially blaming me for the entire situation and then cutting me off. This especially hurt because he promised me he wouldn't.

I take responsibility for my part in contributing to the situation and it's something I regret every day but there's literally nothing I can do about it. I couldn't even apologize for my mistakes.

I reached out earlier this year to see if he would have a conversation with me and he replied saying "I can't, I'm sorry" - I know this is not because he doesn't want to, but because he is still with that girl. She would not approve of us talking. She is the reason he abandoned me.

I just miss my friend. I think about them every day in some way or another. I am in a lot of pain and the pain is all I have left of him which I think makes it harder to let go... I am in therapy but this is one area I don't feel I have made any progress in.

I foolishly hope that one day he will reach out and I don't know how to kill that hope.

Hello Despite feeling very very crap and my brain telling me not to, I am hoping to find a supportive friend who is maybe in the same boat as me. I have severe depression and currently life isn't good, its very bad and has been that way for a while now. I'm pretty much alone. I don't have anyone to talk to, laugh with, cry with ect and I think that makes it worse. It would be good to meet someone to have regular supportive conversations. Constuctive advice, a listening ear, compassion. Ideally would be great if you are 27+ and maybe in a similar time zone (I'm UK) Not seeking a romantic partner. Hope to talk soon.

Since I know things around me ,I know I don't have anything like others, being born in the city I am lonely,I really don't have that much friends ,i closed my heart and I am treat myself like an extrovert between others try to start a conversation but deep down no one really want to friend with me ,because of my personality i don't know how to talk to others ,being extrovert around people hasn't change anything for me since now ,I am feel like i am missing an entire something through my life since now,like my mother was died in 6th grade summer holiday due to kidney failure but even in that situation others around me are crying but i don't know how to even react to that ,my father was rising me since then ,years pass by i don't even know who i am right now,after around 8th grade I am sent to other city lived in the school hostel where phones not allowed till 10th grade.I think that's where my life was changed drastically even though i am studied in boys only school but not one boys like to talk or join in their groups they're avoiding me right after due to my personality because i am like to talk to others so I am tried to be like extrovert mind person but no one cares,my concentration for studying starts degrading and since my mind not take any lectures even i like to focus ,I was writing my own with my general knowledge by reading the books by myself then pass till 10th grade ,then found the thing called smart phone which my father was introduce it to me ,i excited to see a touch phone like other small kids in that three years from 8th-10th grade i never used phone because I don't have phone I am started to search how to use it within the small period i found how use full it is and how bad it is and i go deep in that found so many things including porn sites and i never go to such sites but one of my friends write it down to me in a paper to search it on the browser,but since i don't know what that is i never opened that sites and it was fun using that smart phone the jio sim released at that time so 4g was started in India rapidly asked my father to buy me one he said if you finish high school i will buy you one so I am really excited, then and after 10th grade ,I moved to another city and start my high school at another boys only school and there also hostel I think life was better there also but nothing changed,finished ,the covid-19 in 2019 september i think,has started my after early 12th grade my life has seen worse ,I started living in my home doing almost nothing I gained weight and have a smartphone which was meant to be bought by my father for the online class,then my life is meaningless at this point,Having a smart phone in my hand I found many things ,so I set my goal to be a software developer and try to focus on studying but my concentration cannot give space to the things that meant to studying,like i had a goal but that goal is never been completed due to my non focus mind and i started to play games and games that my only concentration at that time was playing games in mobile after so much playing in games i started to feel i am missing something again i try to find a purpose i tried some Youtube channel upload some videos and try other things that interest me but found nothing ,the finished high school,try to join some engineering colleges but my father said not have money for that so i choose BCA stream,then there also I don't have any friends i become more introverted and close my heart unlike other departments who have girls as half strength ,my department is unlucky we only have boys in the full deparment,well I studied in the boys only environment so this is not new to me ,I found this thing called anime due to some accidental searches in the web ,then i started watching that anime's which was give peace to my mind my first anime was "valkyrie drive : mermaid "I think , then i started interest in japan and their culture so set my goal as when i became 30 ,I am like to be in japan ,after all that goal settings my mind cannot change the perpective my learning curve since 2019,I am stuck in the 2019 ,then the three years went by so fast than my life ,I cleared all semesters without any arrears with my general knowledge and my interest in coding .But now after may 2024 ,I am here as a unemployed son who has no purpose in life wasting his time in front of the laptop all the time(In the perspective of my dad),at this point where my mental stage starts to collapse i started yelling at my father whenever he call me ,there is word fights between my father for hours,i feel guilty about my words that i told towards my father who has raised me but my mouth cannot stop when he annoyed by me and start yelling at me ,whenever this fight between me and my dad happened I am blame the god without reason,but all i am worship the god whatever religion the god is all I am praying this one word "please protect my family,if anything bad occured to them give it to me i take it don't hurt them " this is the only chant from my college years ,i gave up on god because I don't know when i prayed him by from the heart from the last years I am tried to go upto 50+ companies in the last couple months but none of them hired me due to they expect experience even though graduated this year,i don't what to do in my life,like to learn new things have courses on udemy that teach me new things ,but my mind try to avoid it even i try to focus on one lecture I know python,java,c/c++ basics but no one hired e because they want two years experience at least in the IT industry ,it seems that i have no purpose in my life,everyday i woke up and listening my dad trash talk about me to my family members and other neighbors ,2025 is about to start i try to change me but my mind cannot change ,I have 0 rupees in my bank account ,I already wasted so much money just to find jobs i go to companies ask them if they have any openings even its embarrassing to others,I go to cities try to get a job but none worked now my life is at risk if i stay in my house anymore i hurt my father feelings more and more but i moved i have no money in my hands to move this is the situation where i am start to think whether to live or not .its been 5 years since 2019 even though i became an adult i don't even know half of what my father have in his mind,I am just like a kid try to enjoy but deep down there is no enjoyment i found as enjoyment,help me somebody for this no purpose man