Need help with your relationship?

I’ve had a solid amount of bad stuff in my childhood (CSA, drug addiction, abuse) and teen years (depression, suicidal thoughts, domestic abuse, self esteem trouble, reckless behavior, self harm). I was in a terrible place for such a long time, but I’ve been on the up and up for the last 2 years and I’ve never felt more like myself. Big contributors are years of steady therapy, EMDR, medication, lifestyle changes, and changing my environment. Because of my issues, I haven’t ever had a long term relationship except an abusive partner in my teen years, and some casual partners where nothing ever got deep.

I honestly feel like a generally healthy person now — I have tons of hobbies, perform well in work in a well paying field, and have a robust social circle. I truly feel happy and have a zest for life now. My trauma doesn’t affect me on a day to day basis. I feel generally safe, secure, and calm, and I think I present as a put together and stable person. That doesn’t mean my issues are gone — I still go to therapy, struggle with self worth, and have had self harm relapses once every few months for the last few years.

The trouble is with my new partner. We met IRL at a shared hobby of ours and we’ve been dating for around a month now. It’s going slow and steady, and I’m totally aware that I don’t owe him some massive level of baring my soul, it’s just… do I need to bring this up at some point? If so, how? I don’t wanna sound like I’m batshit crazy and scare this dude off, but I have visible self harm scars (some less than a few months old)... I’m still working through a good amount of stuff in therapy, though at this point, it’s nothing particularly terrifying or heavy, just generic stuff (issues with anxiety, self worth, interpersonal boundaries, etc….).

I’m also aware that though this stuff is pretty run of the mill for me, it might seem a bit scarier or heavier to someone who hasn’t necessarily been through that? That worries me as well, that I’ll stress him out if I do mention it. The main thing is that while I still have shit going on, I don’t feel like I need to “lean” on anyone about it except my wonderful therapist, or share my problems and feelings that are outside of the typical. I don’t want/need him to feel like a therapist!

Any thoughts/advice/anecdotes? Also, before anyone says anything — I will talk to my therapist about this, I just wanted other opinions!!

Thanks in advance!

TL;DR: I struggled with some severe mental health issues in the past, and while I’m pretty recovered, it’s not something I’ve totally moved past. How do I go about sharing this with a new partner of mine?

My boyfriend and I both 24, been together for 7 years (started dating in school). We're currently living at our parents houses and have been looking to move out. It's common in my country for people to live with their parents till they're even 30 and to move out AFTER you get married (that's what parents expect). We aren't traditional.

My boyfriend brought up the topic of moving out with his parents and they absolutely flipped. They weren't and still aren't a huge fan of it at all. They pretty much acted like he was a murderer and said he was a failure, bringing shame to the family, etc. The only way they'll let him move out with me is if they throw a fake engagement party for their friends, relatives and neighbors because they don't want their reputation to be ruined if people find out that we moved in together before getting married.

I'll say this, his parents live their life according to what other people think. Their number 1 rule is to do things by the book, and follow societal norms. They've always been that way and they sacrifice the happiness of their children to make sure nobody looks at them the wrong way.

They're really controlling in so many unreasonable ways and have such absurd expectations. They've even made sure my clothing doesn't degrade their social status. They decide for their kids what jobs to do, what to wear, who to marry, etc. Everything down to even the cars they buy are influenced by what other people think. They want their kids to marry someone of the same religion and ethnicity and I'm not, so it took them a long time (and many fights) to come to terms with this and they still kind of haven't. They're nice to me but they also hold it against my boyfriend occasionally and use it as a weapon during arguments.

I constantly feel like I'm causing turmoil in their family and I feel bad. If I weren't here, they'd be fine, and maybe my boyfriend can find someone who suits his family better. He also doesn't want to talk to them so much anymore because of how strict and controlling they are and I feel awful. Also mentioned that if I leave him because of how his family is behaving, he'll hold it against them forever.

I love my boyfriend but I've been dealing with this for a long time and I don't know if I should anymore. A fake engagement party just so that they can save face is really weird to me. And it never feels like they've truly accepted me even though they're nice. I don't want to him to ruin his relationship with his family. If I stay in this relationship, I'm worried his parents will continue to do what they're doing. They're not the understanding type.

I'm just so conflicted.

i don’t even know how to start this because i’ve been feeling so guilty about it but im starting to lose physical attraction to my boyfriend. when him and i first met he was very active in the gym and he was so in shape, but it’s been over a year and he stopped going. that’s fine, and i don’t judge people for not going to the gym but he doesn’t eat healthy whatsoever and doesn’t drink water to compensate for the lack of exercise and his physical appearance has very noticeably changed. which in turn has made our sex life very inconsistent.

let me make this clear, bigger people can be so incredibly attractive, but i think for me right now it has more to do with how unhealthy he is overall and how clear it is. i wish i didn’t feel this way because i love him and i want to be with him but i just don’t know how to tackle this situation.

i’ve tried gently encouraging him to go to the gym again, i’ve offered to go with him and make it fun etc but he shuts it down everytime.

someone please tell me how i can go about this?

(pls do not direct judgement towards either me or him in the comments. i don’t WANT to feel this way and if i could ignore it i would. and please avoid immediately suggesting a breakup because that’s annoying. i’m looking for solutions and advice, not a way out.)

I’m gonna keep this as simple and vague as possible.

We’ve been together for 4 very, very good years. Zero red flags. Love each other very deeply. Absolutely compatibility.

I’ve been taking more to a mutual friend (28f). We were all kinda in the same friend group years ago. I was less involved in this friend group when I went away to college, so I didn’t know much about what everyone was up to during this time period.

Today she and I were chatting, and she dropped this info on me. When my fiancé was 18, he began dating a 14-year-old for a short period. Then, when they broke up, he tried sleeping with the 14-year-old’s little sister. This girl was 13. I said tried because allegedly, “it wouldn’t fit”.

Naturally, I am disgusted. I am also not sure how reliable of a narrator this mutual friend is, nor do I know what her motive was behind telling me this.

Point being, how do I go about talking to him about this? This is causing a massive moral conflict in my brain, as I’ve told myself I have a zero tolerance policy for predators, yet here I am apparently engaged to one. But also, on one hand, I don’t even know if this info is true. Additionally, this allegedly took place when he was 18, and again we are now 26.

What’s the best way for me to begin the conversation with him?

TL;DR - my mum is a hoarder and I invited my friend over for dinner not realizing the extent of the hoarding - how do I undo it??

I’m looking for some advice - I’m visiting my mum for 2 nights and her hoarding has gotten really bad since I last visited.

I’m staying the first night as I don’t have a polite exit strategy, but the sheets are dirty and there’s barely a path to the guest bed, which was piled high with junk when I got here.

I am working remotely during my visit and will excuse myself for the day to work from my friend’s house nearby. My friend has also offered for me to stay the second night at her house which I will definitely take her up on.

My mum has a cat, and I have cat allergies so I think I will lean heavily on that excuse as to not embarrass my mum.

I think that will excuse me from staying another night at my mums, but prior to arriving at my mum’s (and seeing the extent of the dirt, animal fur, and junk) I told my friend she should come for dinner at my mum’s house.

My friend, the same one who offered me a bed at hers, has now been warned about the state of my mum’s and I told her I don’t think she’d enjoy visiting for dinner. I’m considering asking my mum and my friend out for dinner instead (my treat!) but am having a hard time justifying that offer with anything other than “because your house is unsanitary”

Her entire kitchen counter and dining table is covered in junk. I just don’t want to hurt my mum’s feelings.

I(22M) am being gaslighted by a close person(20F) and it seriously impacts my mental health. It happened between me and my roommate who is one of my closest people at the moment. The beginning is that we've met 5 months ago and i started to like her pretty quick and i told her so. To be clear she told me from the beginning that she is unavailable and not over her ex but i didn't listen and my part of the problem is that in my head i thought i can change her mind if i keep trying. I kept asking her a few times if she would like to try dating and take things slowly but she refused me.

After a while we started getting closer and closer and we started to cuddle, very shy though. At first she didn’t want to and refused everything, but after a while we had a period when we slowly tried to sleep together(actually), we cuddled and we kissed. In the few times when we slept together, we mostly slept in her room and i remember that she invited me. It wasn't a long period but it happened for us to sleep and cuddle in the same bed for a few times, and in general in that period we were kissing, french kissing even so it wasn’t pecks. All this time she kept being warm and cold and we would do something like that and then next day i would get a message such as "i think it's best if we remain platonic". While doing this she was on a break with her long term bf but then she slowly started to get back with him and i'm pretty sure they were talking all along, to the point where she told me that they're getting back together. Now I thought of it, and the reality was that we were getting along so well as people, so I thought that it would be good to try to still be friends, I mean we were friends all along, just that I also happened to like her a lot. I kept myself in this state and it was getting worse and worse for my mental health but i kept Iying to myself that i'm over her and that i can do this for the friendship and for how much i care for her as a person, to the point where i couldn't take it anymore and we started having arguments from both sides for various reasons pretty often and it was destroying me from the inside.

I decided to talk about it with a common friend, which happens to be an old close friend of hers. I kept avoiding to actually tell her what exactly happened and i was just talking about me liking her and that she won't ever like me back but eventually i gave in and told her everything that happened. She then proceeded to tell my roommate when i wasn't with them that it's not okay to do such things and then the problem started: my roommate straight up denied everything and said that it never happened. My roommate then proceeded to text me telling me that the way i lie is disgusting, that it never happened, that i'm imagining things, that i need help and that i'm not okay, when I clearly knew that all of this happened and i could remember everything so well. She continued to repeat those things to me, adding more and more to it and i started to feel like i'm going crazy and i felt almost like my memory was erased and i even started to question myself and think if i dreamed of it or that i liked her so much to the point of imagining those things. She told me that i tried kiss her, that it never happened and that she “always refused” or “she didn’t give in”, which is not true because indeed at first she refused but then I believe it happened naturally. I would feel really bad if all the time she felt like it was forced, if i knew something like that i wouldn’t have done it ever in the first place.

But it can’t be, i’m not crazy and i know that it cannot be fake. I remember so well every detail and how back then I asked her if her boyfriend knows what we did and remember so well how I specifically asked “does he know that we kissed, that we cuddled, etc” and she said that she told him everything and that he’s pissed and mad about it. But now she twists everything in her advantage and when i confronted her with those things she always deflects everything and said “yeah he knew that you were forcing me to do some things that i didn’t want to”. It hurts me so much because it was never like that and I never had bad intentions. I reinforced so many times that it happened and that i know what happened so well but she kept denying it and she kept twisting the story and accused me that i tried to be touchy with her, which I did, and I stopped when she refused me, so nothing forced happened. But the only reason to make me think i can try that is literally everything that happened before. Like i would NEVER do that if we didn't kissed and cuddled while sleeping before in the first place. And a powerful question to ask is: how can you remember a part of what happened but ‘can't remember’ anything that happened before that?? Literally everything we did lead to me trying that.

Since my roommate and the friend were outside together, she had the power to manipulate her friend into thinking that i’m the bad person and that I lied and I tried to manipulate everyone and destroy her and since they were friends for so long, she believes my roommate. She accused me of lying and trying to get her friend on my side and to turn her friend against her, as well as ‘ruining her relationship and friendship’. Now she carefully managed to isolate me from our friend as well as to turn her against me because now the friend is ‘deeply hurt that i lied and tried to make her doubt about my roommate’. The problem is that i never tried or wanted to turn the friend against her, and never talked bad about her, I only talked about the problem because it was genuinely destroying me and I needed help, and I wanted to find a solution to solve it, so i thought i must start from the root cause. I never intended to do bad to my roommate or our friend and i don’t know if she genuinely thinks that or she uses some fucked up tactics to make me appear the bad person and to get control over the situation. For me it was never about winning the argument, i just wanted some advice on the topic and, if possible, to solve the problem. But now our friend believes her and she keeps denying everything.

I searched about gaslighting on the internet and everything written there is so specifically spot on with what’s happening and the problem is that since it’s such a sensitive topic and i feel it’s so unfair towards me, i desperately try to prove both to my roommate and our friend that i’m not lying and that it happened. I reassured again that by doing this i’ve never tried to portray her as a bad person, but i just want to solve the problem and i feel it’s so so unjust towards me. Along this she accuses me of a lot of other things, such as being a liar and making me feel guilty and i don’t know why she goes that far instead of just accepting and being willing to solve the problem.

I calmed down and wrote everything I remembered from what we did, in detail. I know i’ve always had a good memory and especially because it was so significant for me and because it happened in a short period of time and not across several months, it’s impossible for me to forget.

What can I do in this situation? I need some advice in how to solve this problem, how to find peace and on one hand how to make my roommate admit everything and say sorry for how far she went lying, gaslighting and manipulating and on the other how to show the truth to our friend without appearing as i try to sabotage my roommate. Because despite the fact that she did me so wrong in this case, I don’t want to ruin her and i never intended to, and all i only wish is for the truth to surface and for both to work on the problem, solve it and heal.

Because of the gaslighting and abuse i started to feel very confused and guilty for something that i thought was mutual to begin with.

I want to add that she’s been a true friend to me and I care for her so so much, that’s why i got so offended by her lying and saying it never happened. All this time she was very kind to me, we got along so so well, we spent most of our time together, it was basically perfect and i think she is really a good person but i can’t justify her actions of manipulating and going that far. We got so toxic with each other and we both did some bad actions towards each other but I feel like whatever she would do to me I will always forgive her and I don’t know what to do because this is hurting me so much.

Buckle up because this is going to be long, so I apologize in advance. For context I am 21F and my partner is 22M. My entire life I have leaned left and his entire life he has leaned right. We had conversations in the beginning about political affiliation and he had expressed to me that he was economically more right leaning but not socially, and that was totally fine. I know a lot of people say politics shouldn't dictate a relationship, but at the time and even now it matters to me. Things seem to have changed at some point with his beliefs and he's definitely staunchly on the right now. I've tried to open up conversations about his beliefs before and it usually ended up in him getting angry at me because I hold different stances than him. He even admitted that he doesn't want to have these conversations because he ends up getting mad. I've had this feeling of dread for the last few weeks with the upcoming election because I didn't want to face the fact that my own partner would most likely be voting for Trump. To be frank that worried me because I've read the concepts of plans and have heard the things he's said. So the other day I decided to approach my partner by stating that I wanted to sit down and have a conversation about politics because as much as it might not be an enjoyable conversation, it was one we needed to have. Upon having that conversation it just made me even more worried. When I mentioned project 2025 he said that Trump has said he wouldn't do it, but not acknowledging any of the connections he has to the document and the creators of it. When I said that I was worried about my rights being taken he said that would never happen and when I countered that Roe v Wade was overturned he said that wasn't a bad thing. When I mentioned that a 10% tarif wasn't going to help our economy because we would pay for it and not China he said he would have to look into it. When I talked about how I cannot in good conscience vote for a man like Trump who has been accused of multiple cases of SA (I went through an SA experience as a teenager), said abhorrent things about women, etc, he shrugged. When I brought up that he's been impeached and has felonies he countered by saying that Biden has classified documents too and I had to remind him that I know that, and I'm not defending Biden for it or any reason but we also aren't currently talking about him. He even brought up the classic point of "Well Kamala has been vice president this whole time and hasn't done anything!" And I had to explain that a vice president vs a president are completely different with separate powers entirely. When I brought up that voter fraud was such a hot topic with not a whole lot of evidence showing that it was such a widespread issue he told me that it actually happened a lot in the last election and it just wasn't covered. When I brought up January 6th he said that they didn't do anything wrong because the police opened the doors for the people. We kept the conversation civil and listened to each other's point of view but I don't think he actually heard anything I had to say even when I had the evidence to back things up. Multiple times he said he would be interested in reading further if I could send him links to materials, and when I have he hasn't made any effort to read/listen. Today I was watching a video analyzing the cognitive decline of Trump, Biden and Kamala through their careers and it showed that Biden had declined a certain amount (We'll go with 6% because I can't remember the actual number) the person had acknowledged they slipped up and said the wrong number my partner said yeah that would have been embarassing. Then Trump's results were announced to actually be that number that would have been embarassing for Biden and he was completely silent. I could tell he was unhappy so I tried to joke around and say yeah people tend to decline when they age. After that he didn't say another word and was no longer interested. Mind you I hadn't asked him to watch this video, I was watching it on my own because I was interested in the statistics. Ultimately I'm worried that I won't be able to get through to him because he's so set in his ways. I'm not trying to get him to become a devoted Democrat, I'm just trying to get him to see and actually comprehend my point of view and maybe even consider it. I'm genuinely worried that this will effect our relationship because I don't think I can look at him the same if he knowingly votes for Trump with all of the evidence, including 82 Nobel prize winners from across the board endorsing the other side, stacking against Trump. Morally and ethically I'm in almost a state of panic. Any advice would be appreciated on how to go forward. A breakup isn't my first choice because we live together and have 2 cats and have some joint expenses.

I am a 21 year old male, my Gf is also 21. We are in a LDR in college for about a year. We see each other a few times a month for the weekends during the school semesters and for about 5 months out of the year due to school breaks.

anyways over the past few months there's this girl in my class who I found attractive, I developed a sort of crush and I journaled my thoughts about her to try and work things out within my head.My Gf came up to visit, she arrived to my apartment while I was in class and long story short she read my journal entry.The entry was cringey, it was very descriptive of the girl and written almost in prose... She was devastated, I kept trying to explain that my personal thoughts don't translate into actions and that it was a way to get impure thoughts out of my head.

She didn't understand and said that I shouldn't have crushes, which I understand but it wasn't a conscious decision to have one ? She wanted to breakup and after talking abit we haven't-yet. But things feel off as of right now a few hours later, and she seems very insecure about the whole situation which I rightfully understand.

What is the best course of action ? Is it time to call it off or is it salvageable ?

Edit: I'm not sure if she really invaded my privacy intentionally. She was writing cute notes to me in my school notebooks that were lumped in with the journal, and there was a half written note before she read the page next to the note she was writing

I have been in a situationship with a guy for about 6 months now. Originally we had both agreed that we didn’t want any relationship, because we were both healing from our past relationships, and he would possibly be moving to another state next fall. He brought our relationship to the next level like initiating hugging, then to cuddling. He then went from texting me every day to ghosting me for a couple months, to drunk texting me in the middle of the ghosting that he really really liked me and really wanted to be with me if he was ready, then eventually returning and telling me that he was afraid of his feelings and of leading me on. Up until that point, I had reassured him that I didn’t want a relationship any time soon every time he had asked, which was 3-4 times at that point. Eventually he moved it up to kissing, calling me baby, telling me he wishes he was ready so he could call me his girlfriend, saying things like “right person wrong time” and “maybe someday in the future I’ll hit you up again” telling each other that we like each other and things like that. I denied his kissing requests several times before ghosting purely based on the fact that I knew I would fall in deeper if I did, he even said he was scared to kiss me because if he did he would really fall in love with me, but I couldn’t help myself and ended up kissing him anyway, like all the other physical things he initiated.

He was sporadic and always telling me he was busy, yet he kept coming back once a month or so asking me to hang out. We would have pretty deep conversations and really intimate cuddle sessions. I really wanted to see him more often, and when I told him that he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship still, I told him i knew that and neither was I, but I still wanted to see him more. About a month went by and we saw each other again for another intimate cuddle session. We were pretty open that we both were over our exes and were just ready to move on at that point. I was pretty open with my feelings and told him that maybe we shouldn’t have taken it this far & that I was scared i was going to miss him if he moved even though i didnt want to, and i wished he could stay here with me. he said he would miss me too, and we probably shouldnt have taken it here but he wanted to, he insisted he wouldnt find anyone as beautiful as me if he left. At this point we had plans for me to sleep over at his (NOTE: we both agreed to no sexual activities at all, I was clear with him that I only do that with people I’m in relationships with, and he respected that boundary and never tried to cross it.) place, which he had brought up a couple times over the past few months.

He was excited up until the day, when I received a text saying that he thinks we should stop talking because he thinks im going to catch feelings for him. I asked him why he brought it this far and that i tried not to because i knew he would say that, and that I wasn’t worrying about a relationship between us. He then proceeded to say that this whole thing was just a distraction so he could heal from his ex, but it just made everything worse and that he made a mess of everything and constantly lead me on and he doesnt even want to think about dating right now because he needs to heal. I asked him if he even liked me, and he said of course he did or else he wouldnt have talked to me in the beginning. I asked if he was actually the scared one because i wasnt scared, he said he was scared that I was going to get attached. I told him that I knew from the beginning he couldnt do a serious relationship and that he knew i knew that. I told him that I wasn’t ready for one either which I had said to his face, and that all I really wanted from him was that we could see eachother more often. I said that if this is really what he wanted I’d respect it. I never got a reply, and two days later I was blocked on instagram. I’m not sure if he blocked me over text, we never talked over instagram, he never posted and checked up on my daily story posts on there, even when he ghosted me.

What the fuck is going on??? Someone help me understand this man, I can’t tell if he’s the world’s greatest actor, or if he’s doing a pattern of initiating, getting scared, then retreating and coming back again.

EDIT: I’ve changed the ages for privacy reasons, we are both somewhere in our early twenties

My boyfriend has bipolar disorder or that's what he says. We have been in a relationship for one year now and few months back he cheated on me (sexting). He used to go to her whenever he felt that I was disassociating from him or abandoning him which happened whenever we had a fight. After whatever happened I decided to forgive him and give this relationship another try . Now, few days back he did it again,we had a fight so he went to another girl and tried seeking attention and asking inappropriate questions from her . That girl knew about me so she sent me a ss . I confronted him and he said he didn't even remember when he did that. I broke up with him and then his bipolarity Started acting again. He doesn't have any friends and the girls he approached were mostly the matches he had before me. He says that he doesn't like it when I say I'll leave him and it gets him into a spiral of emotions and thoughts and so he does what he did. I want to believe him. But I also have a fear that he could be manipulating me. I don't know what to do. He has accepted that he needs help and he is going to seek therapy but all these things have affected me a lot too. He is asking me to give him another chance and this time he won't do anything stupid. I want to help him and he there for him but what if he is manipulating me? How do I know?

28m 29fm, Gf refuses to touch me

GF won’t touch me but I touch her?

I 27m and my “gf” 28fm have been dating about 3 months now. Whenever things get heated in the bed room she always insists I finger her but she never makes a move on me and won’t touch me sexually. She said it because she ain’t ready but then why would she let me touch her? I also spoil this girl. She has my credit cards and has a free use of it, I buy her gifts. I assume at this point she is just stringing me along for the money but she swears up and down it to help me “heal”. I am a very sexual person. She is the first girl since I was 17 that didn’t let me have sex on the first night. But like said the has barely touched my junk. Like held it once! She also blows up when I mention that it is something I need, I want to feel wanted and I’m just at my wits end. I know taking time is important, but with the way it’s one sided is strange. Idk I just need to input from people outsider my life. (Everyone in my life says she is just using me)

We are currently on a trip to Atlanta and she blew once when I asked about it after we got back and began to make out passionately. Like I don’t get the it the energy feel real but the something still feel off :/

So me and my girlfriend has been together for 1 year now. We both really love each other and mostly we are very happy with each other. She does a lot of chores for me and tries to spoil me. But sometimes it seems like she gets possessed by a demon. Like this one time me and my friends were about to go out to eat, but before that she had a plan to check all the photos of my phone. And in those photos she found a picture of me and my ex. Which we took in an event together. She called me to her room. And she was literally shaking with anger. Then she broke all the dishes throwing then away. She broke her mirror and also her fan. Then she started shouting and she started peeling her nails off. She does this type of self harm sometimes. And then she just kept yelling and crying. Also there was one time, when i just mentioned my ex and then she started bringing somethings from the past up and started crying. And that crying went for almost 3-4 hours. There was another time she found some porn in my browser history and then she acted like this again broke a lot of stuff and kept yelling and crying. She also have a tendency to break up with me whenever things are not going well between us, she is always the one to mention break up, but comes back to me when she realizes that she was overreacting. So how alarmed should i be?

I (19M) met a girl (19F) on hinge a few weeks ago. She and I hit it off immediately. She goes to my school. Im a double (english + education) major with a minor in theater, and shes a theater tech major. So we have a lot of mutuals from being in the theater department and have even been in the same tech room at the same time for projects before.

I have a ton of midterms rn bc of my workload, and shes been super busy backstage for the school musical. So we've been texting for around 3 weeks, but haven't had a chance to meet in person. We're planning on a coffee date next week, but it hasn't been possible just yet. Which means our first time meeting in person will be at the musical this weekend. I have to go for class, and shell be backstage.

Its typical to get flowers for the person you're seeing in a show. And while I'm not going JUST for her, its something I'm really looking forward to. Rn we're just a talking stage, nothing official. But we've both made it clear that we're looking for something serious (with each other or not). So I'm trying to find a balance between doing too little and too much for our first time meeting, and I've been thinking about getting her flowers. If we've been dating for 3 weeks, itd be a no-brainer. But we're not even dating yet. So I'm just looking for some advice on what would seem most appropriate of a gesture this early into a could-be-relationship. I want to make a good impression but not go overboard. Are flowers a good middle ground? Or would something else be better?

I experience that I’m recurrently shamed into feeling bad about who I am as a person. At the beginning it felt as though the person is trying to support my growth in pointing out things, many of which I think have also helped me become a better person but at the moment I feel that it makes me feel really sad and bad about myself. The way they almost spiral, intensely about why I am such a terrible person, manipulative, egocentric etc. affects me very much and makes me feel sad. I’m not sure if that’s positive because it may make me wake up to who “I am really” am or if I should rather distance myself… and follow the principal of removing out of my life what does not make me feel good.

Edit: 24F is me

With all my previous boyfriends, let alone talking stages they’ve immediately told all their friends and family that I was the person they were going out with from our very first date. However I’ve known this guy for 3 months total and have been officially together for one. He’s white (Italian-American) and I’m a brown girl who’s average which might be a big reason. Although he calls me pretty 5-6 times every time we see eachother. Most people might assume that it’s just because it’s a fairly new relationship, but the fact that his friends and family don’t even know of my existence and I haven’t been mentioned is really concerning. Just yesterday we took a couples costume photo for Halloween and when we talked about him posting it, he didn’t want to because he wanted to “keep the relationship private.”

When I questioned him he simply said his friends would “act weird because I’m new” and that he didn’t want them all up in his business. He doesn’t have any recent exes and he deleted tinder very soon into us seeing eachother without me asking, so I’m clueless as to what’s going on here. Help??

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. I live with my mom and he and my mom typically get along very well. One thing to understand about my mom is that she has a bit of a temper and I have faced the brunt of it a lot of my life. She has gotten a lot better over the years and is deeply insecure over the idea of people thinking she is mean, because she generally was pretty mean for a long time. Anyways, a lot of people live in my house and a lot of people are in and out of the house and our driveway can get a little bit packed. My boyfriend made a habit of parking behind my car, which sometimes blocks my mom and others in the driveway. My mom works very early shifts and my boyfriend parked there and slept over. My mom woke us up around 5am and asked my boyfriend to move his car. She told him outside that he just can’t park there and I woke up to a text reiterating such. My mom also swears that she has told him that he can’t park there before, and I feel like I remember her telling him not to, but at this point I don’t really know I feel so confused on the situation. Anyway, the next day my boyfriend stopped by to say hi and he parked in the spot my mom told him not to. Before he made his presence known, I whispered to him like “are you going to be here long? you can’t park there my mom is going to get mad, you need to move your car”. He didn’t move his car. My mom noticed he parked there and she lost her temper and very firmly told him not to park there and that it’s disrespectful to continue to do it after she has asked him several times not to park there. She raised her voice. A few days pass by and my boyfriend tells me that how she spoke to him bothered him and that she should have had a conversation with him before yelling at him like that. He said he doesn’t remember her ever telling him not to park there and that he assumed when she woke us up that morning and she was blocked in by his car, that she meant he cannot park there when he is staying the night, not just in general. He said to me that he would like to have a conversation with her about this and would like an apology. I empathized with him but also said I don’t think a conversation will go the way you think it will, because my mom firmly believes she has told him multiple times not to park there and to her, he is just blatantly ignoring it. But to my boyfriend, her yelling was the first he has ever heard of it and her reaction seems unreasonable. I understand both perspectives and that there’s some misunderstanding. He brought it up again to me last night that he would like to have a conversation. I reiterated that the conversation may not go well, but if it’s what he needs to do in order to feel some closure than to go ahead. He talked to her today while I was on my way home from work. He was pulling out of the driveway as I was about to pull in and he makes the “call me” gesture. He calls me and tells me that they talked and it went really bad. At the same time, my mom is texting me saying she doesn’t appreciate how my boyfriend raised his voice at her and is trying to gaslight her. My boyfriend is saying she was being condescending and yelled at him again. My mom is saying he raised his voice at her. My mom feels bad for how she reacted, but still stands on the grounds that she has told him multiple times not to park there and she believes she is valid for being frustrated. My boyfriend is very hurt and troubled by it and doesn’t think my mom, who says she loves him, should talk to him that way. I feel stuck. I was not hear for the conversation. I love my mom a lot, we are very close. I also love my boyfriend so much. I don’t know what to do or how to react. I am also just so emotionally exhausted. How do I support my boyfriend? How do I mitigate this? I feel so anxious. Thank you in advance for any insight you may have.

I (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for a while and we live together. He's always been very big on invasion of privacy = breakup. I have honored this as best I can, but around a month ago i just felt the need to check his phone. I found a temu order for some odd items, a buttplug, some lingerie, etc. but it said the order was refunded and not delivered. I've never found evidence of him texting or chatting with other women in a sexual context (though he has a lot of women on his snapchat). Recently he has been getting a lot of packages but I never noticed anything new in the apartment. Finally I asked about it, and he said it was a surprise for me. Personally I hate surprises, and I had a weird feeling about it. I checked his computer and found an order that had been delivered to our apartment from walmart with some very interesting things, including but not limited to, an anal douche, silicone breast inserts, a wig, backless panties, and some other things. I was baffled and had no idea how this could be a surprise for me, but figured I would ask for more of an explanation when it was given to me. When I was given my "surprise" none of the items in the order were included, so i got curious. I knew he had been putting the packages in his car, so i went and looked for them, as well as searching the whole apartment. I can't find any of the items. advice? i would never in a million years consider him to be exploring his sexuality/gender. he’s very left leaning, lowkey homophobic, and i’ve seen him visibly upset and disgusted in the presence of trans people (im working on it, he was born and raised in a very right leaning family), he’s very masculine. maybe i sound ignorant, but i can almost 100% assure you it’s not cross dressing extra: none of the items ordered are his size if he isn’t at the apartment i always know where he is, but usually he just does schoolwork or plays video games while im at work i haven’t found anything on his phone that indicates cheating but he could’ve deleted it

There’s a few factors in this. They have ADHD, which even medicated, they really struggle to do anything. Getting them up to do basic things like eating can be a chore, so when it comes to things like shopping it gets really annoying.

They’re also very horny all the time and I’m asexual. I enjoy sex with them still, but they want it much more often than I do and want more out of it then I can give them. They tell me they want more but tell me they can deal with it, which I don’t like knowing they want more that I can’t give them.

I also think a lot about being with a man. I’m bi and tend to think about men more often than women, but I like people of any gender. I can’t tell if I’d think about women mkre if I were with a man. I think atm I just like the idea of the stereotypical female relationship just because of how feminine it would feel.

We also don’t have many hobbies in common. We don’t have a lot to do together. We can kinda exist in each other’s spaces and snuggle and stuff, but it’s rare we do an activity together if any sort. I do see that other couples don’t always share their main hobbies either though, so I don’t know how normal that is.

I don’t know if I see a future with all of those things, but I also know there’s so many things about them that I love and wouldn’t find in another partner. It’s scary since this is my first serious relationship. It’s hard to talk to them because they’re depressed and dependant on me, emotionally and financially.

So there’s this guy that my entire friend group at university thinks would be good with me, and several times now in a row we have accidentally walked to and from class together. He always stops so I can pick up leaves I see on the ground instead of walking around me and seems to want to talk with me (walks very close behind me and tried to catch up with me tonight as I walked faster thinking he was someone else). I was reading while I was walking, and I could tell he was watching me as I was walking and stumbling over my feet while I was trying to focus on the book and not the road lol. He accepted my follow request on my socials and likes the messages that I send him reacting to his posts, but he’s also very introverted. I really like him and almost hit myself tonight when he walked next to me after class and I was listening to music on my headset and thought he didn’t want to talk to me. I’m horrible at gauging conversation interest as you can tell. I really like him but don’t know if he’s interested but he is exactly what I want in a man and I wanted your input before I did anything.

Hi guys. I've never been in a relationship and I've been talking to this guy i got introduced too 23M. We've been on some dates and we get along very well. He asked me today if I wanted to do something once he was finished work. Then he said he had to put something on his car after so if he finished that early enough we could still do something. Then he messaged around lunch time that he was going fishing after work and that we would have to do something on the weekend instead. I guess I just don't know how to react or communicate to him that I'm disappointed we won't be spending time together without sounding clingy. Thanks.

My[30F] Husband[35M] Recently Told Me He Is Gender Fluid

We have been married for 6 years, together for 10. Last year he admitted to cross dressing. It was a rough patch, but we are trying to work through it. I am personally not sexually attracted to anything feminine. He is a hunter, motorcycle rider, golf, and hangs out with the guys drinking beer sometimes. He gradually asked me if he could buy make up and women's clothes. I eventually said that he could, but I wouldn't feel comfortable if he purchased several women's items and spent a lot of money on that. Fast forward a year, and he now has fake breasts ($500) he puts on, he owns as many bras as I own, he has several pairs of women's panties and thongs, a waist trainer, women's shirts, dresses, pants, and high heels. He has several fake nails, fake earrings, and his own make up bag. He also keeps his legs, chest, and arm pits shaved at all times now. I loved when he had a beard, but now he shaves it more frequently so he can put on make up and look more feminine. He has long hair, so on the days he wants to be a woman, he will either straighten or curl it. He works from home frequently, so he only dresses this way at home during the week days. He has not told anyone else about crossdressing expect his therapist and me. He does not wear anything feminine or act feminine in public. I do notice a big difference in his overall attitude and demeanor when he is feeling feminine vs not. When he is feeling feminine, he goes out of his way to help around the house. He will clean, cook for me, play with my hair, give me back rubs, and give me all of the attention. When he is not feeling feminine, he doesn't give me as much affection, doesn't help as much cleaning the house, and seems to be on his phone more. If I ask him to play with my hair or for a back rub, he sighs and rolls his eyes. He will do it, but acts like it is a huge chore. When he is feeling feminine, he will automatically play with my hair and ask if there's anything he can do to help me. I have talked to him about his change in attitude and demeanor and nothing is changing. Reddit, how would you handle this?

TL;DR: My husband came out to me as gender fluid after 6 years of marriage and treats me differently when he is feeling feminine.

TLDR: almost cheated on my bf, who I’ve been thinking of breaking up with, with my coworker but I don’t feel guilty about this and almost wish I went through with it. Is there any hope for my current relationship?

My bf and I have been dating for 4 years. Last several months, I started to feel less attracted to him (both physically and emotionally), spending time with him feels like a chore and I don’t want to sleep with him. We haven’t had sex or kissed in almost 2 months.

I recently started getting close to a coworker. I don’t want to actually date him, but I do feel physically attracted to him and also really enjoy spending time with him. The other day, we started cuddling and he confessed his love to me. I almost kissed / had sex with him but we both agreed we should not do this while I’m still in a relationship.

Since then, I can’t stop thinking about him and that night. When I see my bf, I feel no attraction and talking to him bores me. But it’s hard for me to let go and make a decision to leave him, since he is kind to me and we have a long history. I also don’t want to regret leaving him if our relationship is mendable. Also, even if I become single, I’d fuck my coworker but would not date him.

I always looked heavily down on infidelity, yet now I almost want to cheat on my bf with this coworker. Is my relationship is doomed and I don’t really care about my bf anymore?

Long story short my bf 22M and I 20F have been together for about five years now. We are long distance both in college but recently i've felt weird about him bringing this up. I personally have always taken excellent care of my downstairs area, I make sure it's always clean, not smelly and tastes good. recently he's been telling me to use a vaginal shampoo and it sorta came out from nowhere. He said he just heard about it but thing is he has a girl best friend which i'm not worried about or anything it's just sorta weird. I personally wouldn't share that sorta information with a guy who is in a relationship especially not one who is my friend. He said he just heard about it and saw an ad but i'm confused cause he said it fixes ph and smell. but i literally have a good ph and smell, I've gotten tested before for the ph and i take care of my body almost too much. Am i reading too much into this or is this weird?

TLDR; a weird conversation between my boyfriend and a girl friend from school let to an uncomfortable situation, and she messaged him saying our relationship is unhealthy because he comes to school miserable and complains about me daily, and she claims he wanted to cheat on me and how we should have better communication.

My boyfriend and I moved in together in March. It was early (we were together for a year at that point), but did it for financial reasons since we are both in graduate school. We haven’t had any issues, but he often comes home from school not wanting to talk to me, wanting to play video games, and/or just seemingly unhappy. I figured it was his schooling; he’s in a very taxing science/healthcare based program and did my best to give him his space while also being supportive. It kind of feels like “the roommate phase” with both of us being so busy. Besides this everything has been fine that I’m aware of? The only other background piece that is important is a lot of his friends are girls because his grad program is very female dominated, which has never bothered me because I’m included in all of their events and invited everywhere and such, and most of them have partners of their own. I have tried to make friends with them and go to as many events as possible but I’ve really struggled to connect with them because they all have their doctorate program in common that they discuss pretty much all the time, and I usually just listen.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. When I woke up Sunday morning my boyfriend wanted to have a “talk” with me so he sat me down and told me about a weird conversation he had with one of his girl friends (friend A) the previous night at like 11pm. I was asleep during all of this and he was in the gaming room. He was very transparent and honest and let me read all the messages. She was talking about taking edibles and getting high and studying, and my boyfriend said “no invite?” And she said he was welcome to come over. My boyfriend turned it down and said it’s late and she said “11 is late?” His exact response was “[my name]’s asleep” and she said “why does that matter” and he responded back “I want to but she won’t like it”. Then she asked again why that matters and he FINALLY said he couldn’t tell me he was leaving because I’m asleep and he isn’t going to disrespect me by leaving without telling me that late at night to go smoke with a single female… then she added on how he made it sound like she was booty calling him and said “she knows me and should trust us so I still don’t see why you couldn’t come over”. Then finally my boyfriend shut the conversation down and said he’s not coming and told her to have a good night.

Throughout the week my boyfriend has been saying how friend A has been acting weird at school and won’t talk to him and is avoiding him and didn’t answer his message about him wishing her dad a speedy recovery from surgery. I figured her egging it on made her embarrassed the next day or something because she mentioned it sounding like a booty call one of the times after he rejected going over. Idk.

Friend B is in-person with me and my boyfriend at a Halloween party this past Saturday, and friend B recommended texting friend C (who is close with friend A) to see if she’s okay. All of them are girls if that matters at all. So my boyfriend texted friend C and asked if friend A was okay. Friend C’s response to him was “maybe you should ask her why she’s being weird.” — me and friend B looked at each other and was like … friend C KNOWS something.

So my boyfriend did text friend A again and asked if she was okay, is there something he did, etc. her response was “I’ll tell you but I need you to listen.”

So I don’t have her exact long response, but essentially it was mainly how the texts made her uncomfortable because it seemed like he was using her to cheat and to be able to get into an argument with me. And how me and him need to work on our communication. She said he always comes to school miserable and rolls his eyes when he talks about me, and how he complains “like every day” about me and how our relationship has become unhealthy and it’s impacting his relationships with his friends.

Soooo…. My boyfriend showed me this message, and when he showed it to me he already had a message back to her formulated from the help of his friend who is a therapist. It was way nicer than I would’ve made it. Asking for more details, why she thinks he’d ever want to cheat on me, saying he should be able to go to his friends and ask for advice about me. I will say though, it never really got resolved. My boyfriend just apologized for making her uncomfortable after she responded again and they kind of ended it there, and both said they were “good”. He put in the first message back to her something about wanting to mend their friendship and fix the issue… but I did ask him to take that part out. He didn’t. they have a cohort of like 22 people and spend their entire 8-5 M-F in the same classroom together and said that’s the reason why.

So far, I am pretty gutted about this entire thing. Her audacity, him talking about me to a bunch of people of the opposite gender, his messages to her on the night of their conversation. It just all made me feel so off and upset… we have discussed all of this though and i am convinced she was probably being dramatic because her texts were also embarrassing and she was defensive, but she also wouldn’t say those things if they didn’t happen. and i feel like I’m at a point where there is no way ill be able to make friends with his friends. They all have these notions of whatever he says about me already. Even though we’ve talked it out and I read all the messages and he says his friends like me, I just can’t get over any of these feelings. I don’t think he’s lying here, but I do think his friends are lying about liking me (I put in his shoes that if his friends were complaining, would he tell his friend that he doesn’t like her partner? No… because then THAT ruins their friendship).

This Friday we are supposed to be attending a Halloween party, then also hosting a progressive Halloween party alongside friend A and friend C (all 3 of us live in the same apartment complex). Personally I am still really anxious and on edge and plan to just avoid the events. My boyfriend told me we’re not going to the Friday night party but I’m trying to convince him to still host on Sunday because it’s pretty late to cancel it. I want advice on how to go from here. I’m just at a standstill and still upset, even though we discussed how I’m not comfortable with him telling all of his friends these rants (I told him to come to ME, the problem) and the wording of his messages to friend A. He really has showed that he feels so bad that this all happened. I just don’t know how else to mend the relationships with his friends except by asking him to stop talking poorly about me. Sorry this is so long

My husband M34 grandparents passed away. He had the majority of his possessions stored at their home. The house is being sold, and he brought everything back to our house. Our basement is now completely full of his stuff. Toys. Games. Books. Wrappers. Things some people would see as "trash" but to him is special and can not be thrown out. It's just insane to me. And he will NOT part with a single thing....we can't even use our basement now. Is this considered hoarding? How do I even begin to deal with this?

Super complicated relationship that I’m going to try to keep as short as possible. It’s a lot of back and forth I feel super conflicted. 

M(28M) lives a few hours away, M is my brother’s  friend, we’ve been flirting/sliding into dms for a year. Saw M in march and it escalated. We went out in July and we confessed that we both found each other attractive/wanted to see each other and started talking more regularly. Nothing crazy bc of my brother and the distance, but definitely talking/flirting. (We also had several convos about how to go about him being my brother’s friend)

Brother saw M a few months back and said that M a sort of gf, which he explained that a friend had set them up and when my brother said “is that your gf” M v strongly said no. 

Brother just saw M again and said that he(my brother) met the said girl(P) bc she wanted to meet M’s friends so they all had dinner. My brother also said P might move in when M’s roommates move out (??????????? Not confirmed bc I can’t explicitly ask without raising too many flags for my brother, and my brother doesn’t ask his friends questions like that so he could be wrong )

Whole time I’m in communication with M. Only found this out when my brother got home. 

I guess I just feel a little silly. I haven’t reached out and left M on read for a few days (isn’t super abnormal for us). 

Part of me wants to reach out and be kinda light hearted and say that I’ve been hearing “rumors” about him, and that he doesn’t owe me anything but people are talking…, but I don’t know if by addressing it I’m making it seem like us talking is super serious/committed because it’s very much not . 

Originally I had contemplated texting him exactly what I heard, that he had a gf moving in and I don’t want to be in the middle of that, and that’s why I’ve been quiet but I don’t want to be accusatory/am not confrontational like that and once again don’t want to appear clingy/desperate/act like we’ve been dating. 

The other part of me wants to disappear lowkey just become dry/act uninterested. 

I’m upset for myself if this is true, and also feel bad for P (according to my brother still not technically a gf). (But then again  I also don’t know their relationship status, so it’s hard to assume…but if you want to meet someone’s friends and potentially are moving in….) I don’t want to be talking to someone (that knows I like them) if they have a gf. 

I dont know if I should address it or just give it up lol. 

The other issue is M being my brother’s friend makes me feel like I’d be wrong to kind of just slowly disappear without an explanation. I’m not confrontational and am worried that if I say something it’ll come off as aggressive. 

My friends all think I should ghost, but I do like M and I dont think M knows I know about P

But also my brother could be missing the mark completely about P she could just be a friend but I’m just in the dark !! 

If anyone followed this and could help I would very much appreciate it thank you so much I feel like I’m going to implode hahha

TL;DR

My brother claims that his friend whom I’ve been talking to has a “lady-friend” that might even move in. 

I don’t know if or how I should press him for the truth or if maybe I should just disappear. 

Hi, I'm 23F and this is my first reddit post. As the title says, I've never been in a relationship since I landed on this world. A few days ago, I had a dream that my middle school crush (23M) was dating my elementary school friend. I woke up super shocked and panicked. For the record, since graduation I've only spoken to him once. But that morning I was like, f*ck it we ball and texted him. Surprisingly, he replied back.

We texted each other all day until I decided to ask him out. As a friend ofc. He said yes, and the next day we met. I was so nervous, my hands were even shaking as I put lipstick on my lips (anxiety sucks). He used to be stiff, quiet, and shy. Well he still is quiet, but we talked a lot. He's a little weird and a nerd but he matches my freak!! I'm weird too!

And he's such a careful driver & doesn't smoke, nothing hotter than that. But anyway, we went to the movies (he paid for my ticket), and had a meal (I paid for our meal). Overall I had a great time. I just know that I stared at him like how I stare at the moon. There’s no way I can ever look at him in the eye again. Not when my stomach is tingling with a forest’s worth of butterflies whenever he stared at me. He asked me for high five when he dropped me home, and I swear I really held the urge to hold his hand instead. This man is gonna be my downfall fr.

Do I still like him? Maybe. I don't know I'm not sure. But I know I want to get closer to him. The problem is, this man is as dense as a freaking wood. We texted each other after that, but he hasn't texted me back since 2 days ago. He told me before that he's busy with his assignments, but I spent years yearning for him, I don't want to do that again. My friends and mom told me to take it slow, but how can I take it slow if he's not even replying to my texts??

Back then in middle school, I only liked her for a few months because he was so stiff and even though I pretended to like anime so I could talk to him, I still thought that I wouldn't have a chance with him. But this time, I wanted to give it a try. We don't have to date, he doesn't have to like me back, but I just want to get closer to him. Help me please.

Hello, this is my first post so let me know if i need to add anything. I am a 26F and my wife is a 26F. We have been together for 6 years married for four and known each other since we were 16. For the last four years we have been on a journey with Fertility. When we first started we were amazed and excited! We were going to be having a child! But as life tends to go, things happen and try after try failed. We have now put over 50k into having a child and have both been affected in different ways. I have had a hard time with supporting my wife though in one way. I am not phsically going through this proccess i can be there for it all but its not my body. She is struggling with the feeling she is a failure and that this is all on her. Ive told her that its just a proccess and many people have these struggles and to be honest we have come together really well but these feelings still linger. Ive recently gotten amazing insurance that has really good fertility coverage and we are about to try again after a year break. My wife is terrified and has expressed a want to connect with someone who has exeprienced what she is going through and has gone through. How do i support her through these feelings? How do i find someone for her to connect with? Is there more i could be doing? I just want her to know that she is loved and appreciated. That eventually our dreams will come true. Please help.

Hello everyone. Im dumb, i know.

This is my first time posting here as I need insight to a situation. We have been together for 3 years and overall I believed it was great as we did not fight very often and i thought we had great communication (I would do weekly check ins to make sure im actin in a way hes happy with). I made a dumb decision to post a bunny girl picture with my friend for halloween and he felt disrespected which I understand and he said i need to act like a gf. He told me to straughten out my intentions or we would part ways, i immediately deleted it and apologized. He wanted to talk the next day. During this talk, he didnt want it to be a dialogue but to tell me what i need to fix in the relationship to continue it going forward. He told me I do not even bare minimum of gf duties and that i flirt with his friends in front of him in social gatherings because I talk about anime or mental health issues (im studying psychology for reference) no touching, no compliments or anything of that nature, and even though i bring my bf up in all the convos he said its still flirting. He also told me I enable men to hit on me (which is why he said my manager has sexually harassed me). He also said this is the reason why his friend attempted to hold my hand (we- bf , his friend and i- all high fived and he said my hands were soft and I yanked my hands away and told him not to touch me) however, because his friend felt "comfortable" to do that, he says its because I "flirted" with him. Im at a loss. These situations range from happening 3 yrs ago up to 4 months ago. It felt super out of the blue, and claims i want to live a single life and that there are plenty of women that will do what i dont. He said if we broke up he can find someone easily that will do more than me and he will have kids and be happy but if I dont change my ways ill be divorced and used by men. Im super heart broken. I wasnt really able to talk because he didnt want a dialogue, just to make a point and leave.

For context, if a man texts me even if his friend, i show him the msg and will respond with him there (i do not open messages before showing him), I do not hangoit with guys 1:1, i do not party by myself (i only go if he goes), i do not club unless he is there, i do not text men (unless needed for school or work which are always on my phone and never deleted), i send snaps wherever i go, i call him for updates. Ive never lied, i let him access my phone anytime he wants. Im just confused. Posting the photos really shattered his trust which I feel awful about and regret, it was stupid. Hes currently stonewalling, not saying i love yous, and just overall makes me feel hopeless. I dont know what to do, i just apologized for being a shitty partner and have been trying to engage more.

He said to rebuild the trust i need to be consistent amd not "disrespect" him, as well as plan more dates and engage more in physical touches i.e kisses and more love language of his. I cant talk about this convo and him comparing me to other girls or how he spoke to me in this conversation because he will say im "self-victimizing" which he said he will also leave me over.I know i tend to do that sometimes, but how do i move on with the hurtful stuff said and comparison and the talking down of my character and belittiling?? Was it heat of the moment and I should take it with a grain of salt?? I just need advice please. Thank you for reading this far.

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (Ill call him kent) for 3 years now. We met at work and still work together as cooks. When we very first started dating after months of friendship, a new girl (helen) started was hired. She was a stunner. Like one of those girls that was just blessed by God. I don't mind him having female friends, and he often goes out with his buddies to bars/parties that have other women there.

I know I am insecure, and I was a lot more insecure at the beginning because I just saw us as being so different. It seemed unreal he was into me. Think frat boy falls in love with quiet nerd girl.

Now at first it was more of a, I'm nervous because I'm nervous around pretty people, but then I started to see how Helen and Kent would interact. I saw how he would stare at her walking down the kitchen hallways (our kitchen is shaped like an aircraft carrier). How he would notice her before me, ask her to bring him drinks, he would look around his shoulders before talking to her, and if he saw me he would turn around and come talk to me instead(he never actually made conversation). Keep in mind that because the kitchen is so thin, there's not really any way to act like you were just going somewhere else. I heard him talk to her about how he saw a guy staring at her ass. He literally flirted with her the same way he did to me before we got together. Also she's the cheerleader type, and even though I tried to befriend her to ease my anxiety she was always cold to me, and if it was all 3 of us in a convo she would barely look at me.

This actually broke me and I almost broke up with him but he assured me well enough I guess and we are still going. But it hurt me so bad and I think I've just now realized that my inherent distrust in him comes from this. Part of me wishes he would just admit he had a little crush on her. I actually think that would ease my anxiety because at least it's honest. He insists he didn't but I can't really ignore what I saw or forget the gut wrenching, lung crushing, head smashing feeling of seeing the things I saw between them. He has never interacted with a girl like that since, just his normal friendliness that actually comes off platonically. Not, I wanna talk to you cos I wanna fuck you but my girlfriend might see kind of friendliness.

I know I need to get over this because it is still affecting our relationship. I don't trust that he loves me like he says. I fully believe if he met a prettier girl who was more like him he would leave me for her.

He has never cheated nor do I believe he would but my distrust in his love is causing a lot of problems as I see so many of his actions as being superficial, uncaring, unempathetic, and I guess I just don't feel like I can see any good thing he does as just being good. There's a seed in me that tells me it's all a farce until he finds "the one". I want to unlearn this but I don't know how. Any advice appreciated

TL;DR: Frat Boyfriend seemed to have a crush on a Hot Cheerleader Girl for the first year of our 3 year long relationship and I don't have trust that he loves me the way he says he does. How can I recover?