I’ve been living with my wife for nearly 4 years, and this came after a period of living on my own for the first time for 2 years. And after starting gaining a better understanding of masking, I’ve come to realize that I also mask on some level around my wife.

My wife is autistic too and really the only person I’ve ever felt understands me fully. We’ve never had a serious fight in our entire relationship and we both accommodate each other’s needs as autistic and adhd people. So I was very surprised to have recently realized that I still mask around her.

I learned from “unmasking autism” how people can mask physically not just socially and emotionally, and I feel like I mask my body language, my emotions, the way I want to express myself, and my needs and ability to take up space when ANYONE is around.

I have very vivid, strong emotions and am prone to crying very easily (especially when overstimulated). And nearly two years back I had a really bad OCD episode mixed with autistic meltdown that lasted for a few days that caused me to be too scared to go to sleep. That was a very scary time for my wife and while they don’t hold it over my head or anything I still feel guilty on some level.

Like I’m irrationally scared that if it ever happens again my wife will leave me, so releasing my strong emotions in any way that’s distressing to my wife has become much harder to do. I also realize that I hold back a lot of stims I used to have when I lived alone.

Has anyone been through a similar experience? If so I’d like to hear your perspective and any advice you have for navigating it. Thank you!

Has anyone else told their parents (or anyone) about the thoughts and feelings that they were experiencing as a child and they basically discredit what you’re saying because you seemed happy or didn’t complain?

I’m pretty sure my parents are autistic, too, but for whatever reason don’t seem to understand the concept of masking.

So I'm a late diagnosed woman with Autism Type 1 and what's considered to be very "high functioning". My skills are so well developed that I still question my diagnosis sometimes, but the more I spend time living alone, the more I can see my autism "flourishing" .

I'm showing a lot of symptoms as I grow older and my family (entire family) questions me about how could I be so functioning as a kid and not now as an adult. So little they know that if it wasn't for my mother (who was alive at that time), I couldn't do half of the things I did to keep self maintenance. From washing my hair to tidy up my room. Someone had to make me do it.

Now as I live alone and with no one watching me, I let myself do things when I "feel like". For example, its been weeks I've been wishing to wash my hair, but I couldn't. Something kept me from doing it. Few minutes ago, I finally pushed myself to wash my hair and now I'm sit for half an hour resting in front of a fan.

I told my sister about this and she questioned me with the same quote mentioned in the title.

Small things I do for life maintenance is considered laziness. I just don't know if I should hold myself accountable for this and admit it's laziness or work on it thinking that it's part of my autism diagnosis.

Living is not an easy task to me. And never was. Now I just think it's less difficult for me to admit it.

I was diagnosed late at almost 40(back in October). I always knew growing up that I was different than everybody else, and even remember in my late teens reading a magazine article( I think it was seventeen) and the boy had Asperger’s(what it was called then) and he actually lived near me and I remember relating so much to him and his life, and even found him on MySpace etc 🤣 I never told anyone about it though and just tucked it away in my brain. After my diagnosis, I also was just getting out of a relationship, and had alot going on so I think it took me a while to process everything.

I “fired” my therapist in like late January, and honestly I feel fine. Ive been on a wait list at a new therapy practice but it’s taking a while. Ive been in therapy since my early teens tho, so I think this break is needed. I noticed that since I started accepting my diagnosis more, and continuing my research I’ve also been like isolating myself, besides going to work. Like m-f I work 9-230 so I have my routine, and honestly I don’t really talk to many people, or go out much anymore. I feel like for once in my life, I’m actually just starting to focus on myself, and do things for me, and not other people. Could this be a part of unmasking? Has anyone else gone through this?

I live with my parents, and they both know, but my dad knows through my mom, he and I haven’t discussed anything about it tho.. we have a weird relationship, and my dads never been a good communicator 🤷🏻‍♀️ my mom tho, that’s where I had/have the issues. It took her a while to accept my diagnosis, but I still feel like she doesn’t get it or understand. It’s gotten to the point that I started recording her on my phone, and telling her that I’m recording her because she’s so crazy with what she says to me, she’s emotionally abusive and she’s constantly twisting things, etc. She also suffers from a lot of mental health issues, and medical issues so I’ve also been her “caretaker” most of my life, so that’s also where a lot of my resentment lies 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s been like this for as long as I can remember tho, and honestly out of all the “bullies” I’ve had in my life, my mom is the only one that I’ve ever been able to stand up to, especially as I got older. Only things is that now when I do it, she throws my autism in my face and says really mean, ridiculous things to me.

I’m just looking for anyone that has been in a similar situation with family, and can relate? Also if anyone’s interested in talking? I need more neurodivergent friends in my life 🥰💜

I've always struggled with the need for people to say what they mean in a literal way or when there's information missing from what they said that's needed to make it more clear/make sense. Over the years have learned to let things go when I understand what they're trying to say, but I still get frustrated and sometimes let it get the better of me, then get angry when they don't correct their mistake or omission. I also feel like I'm being misunderstood when I point things out to people and they think I'm trying to argue with the message or point of what they're saying, when for me it's the way they worded it.

One of the latest examples I have of this is from the other day when I was talking to my friend who said "when you are short, but have long legs, you look will look good/taller etc." Which is of course very much a personal opinion, and her opinion isn't what bothered me, but the fact that her statement didn't factor in the torso length and the proportions of the person. So I ended up arguing with her about not mentioning the torso length and/or proportions, and how her statement was flawed as a result. I would say something like "what if they had a very short torso, and long legs" which at first she didn't get what I was trying to say - I told her my sister has the same length legs as me but is shorter because she has a shorter torso. As a result, she looks even more short. She just said "I never said anything about the torso", which I said exactly, but she couldn't wrap her head around it. Eventually, I think she got it (honestly, I'm not sure she did) and said that "proper proportions was implied", which I don't think is the case. You need to explicitly say it! Because she didn't say it explicitly, her statement would also include people with very short torso. But she kept insisting that she didn't say anything about torso, and I wanted to scream "that's the whole point! You didn't say anything, and you need to"

Even thinking about it now, I get worked up. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you manage it/deal with the frustration you feel? For me it becomes all I can think about and I have a hard time letting it go which effects my ability to have conversations with people.

I get a good vibe from them and they don’t currently have a waitlist. They’re a neurodiversity affirming psych clinic out of California and Minnesota.

If any of you were diagnosed through them, what was your experience like?

Thanks!

So I was thinking about how could I make life easier for me. One of the aspects of it is “everyday life”.

For example, I feel happier in a tidy&clean environment. But I get fatigued rather quickly and I don’t want to tire myself too much, and I don’t always have the time for it either. Buying a robot vacuum&mop is a great solution for this. Do you have any ideas to make life easier? How do you accommodate yourself? I would appreciate your recommendations.

Hi everyone,

The r/autisticwomensgroup Zoom group is meeting Tuesday, May 14, from 12-1 pm Eastern US time. The topic is: "Stuck in mirroring mode - Other’s reactions eclipsing your own?". Our highly structured meeting is guided with a slideshow. The host, an autistic woman, reads aloud the group reading of the day, and we take turns sharing on discussion questions relating to the meeting. Our event post is here (complete with Zoom login info).

TIME ZONE INFO: The meeting takes place at 9:00 am Pacific US time | 10 am US Mountain time | 11 am Central US time | 12 pm Eastern US time | 5 pm UK-Ireland time | 6 pm Central European time | 4 am (Wednesday) in Sydney, Australia

Our group welcomes clinically diagnosed, self-diagnosed, and questioning women and all other marginalized genders. Disclosure of diagnosis status/gender identity is the personal choice of each member and will never be required for participation. We share on our own experiences only and do not offer advice or opinions.

Participants may share on any/all (or none!) of the following questions:

• Share period I (to about 35 min past the hour): Think about situations where someone has a different reaction than you to something. What happens in your thoughts and emotions at that moment? Are there any times when you simply go along with someone else’s reaction for any reason? Please describe. Does part of your social camouflage involve mirroring others’ reactions? How do you make your own reactions known in a healthy and respectful way - to others, and also to yourself? Any tips to share? Anything else to add?
• Share period II (to about 57 min past the hour): How's your week going? Any struggles, triumphs, or other experiences to share?

Members share by speaking or by typing in the chat. It's also totally cool if you want to lurk - video/mic participation is not mandatory at all.

Thank you, and I hope to see you at the meeting :)

Due to the group's values of privacy and anonymity, we do not record this meeting.

Hello everyone.

I am a middle-aged woman with ASD and ADHD living in Asia. I have challenges with dressing age appropriate and managing certain social behaviors and am often misunderstood. For example, I like beautiful shoes with heels and beautiful coats, but wearing them puts a strong strain on me, so I go out in sneakers and shirts as much as possible. Also, there seems to be something wrong with the way I speak, gesture, or look, and I sometimes receive clear rejection or mean comments.

I am looking for ways to improve my presentation in social situations without resorting to excessive masking which is not sustainable in the long term and is physically and mentally taxing.

How do you adapt to social expectations while staying true to yourself? We are looking for practical clothing choices, grooming, and social management, as well as ways to objectify and improve ourselves. If you have any advice for me, could you please pass it on?

Thanks for reading.

Hello all,

I started a job last July which had a fixed term contract until this July. There was a possibility of me being kept on permanently. This job is 3 days per week and I also do a training placement 2 days per week... I've managed to make these work around each other.

My manager of my 3 day job has told me on two occasions that he is sure it'll be absolutely fine with me staying on permanently and my contract being changed from fixed term to permnant, he doesn't see why that wouldn't happen. I asked if I could have an answer in May, just in case, so I have time until my contract ends in July if it's a no. So I have a meeting with a Director yesterday, and even though I obviously knew it was a possibility they would say no I was quite shocked when they did say no as my manager has been saying it'll be fine. FYI my manager is the director's brother-in-law so that added a bit more clout to what he said.

I'm now struggling in a sort of change-of-plan/shock spiral and I haven't gone in to work today now. I feel sort of numb and overwhelmed. I am newly diagnosed at 35... is it normal to feel like this?? I feel like my world just blew up and it feels like a massive deal.

So I'm a crossing guard and yesterday one of the kids shouted something really nasty at me. At least I think they did. Anyway, I can't gey my mind off of it. Logically, I don't even care, but anxiety doesn't go with logic. Does anyone have any tips for quelling social anxiety with situations like this?

hey! I wanted to ask if any of you experience shame over “being annoying” when happy. I’ve been having a rare good day today which has caused me to be very animated and ramble-y to my girlfriend. she hasn’t done anything to make me think I’ve annoyed her but when I realize I’ve been talking at her for a while I feel intense shame and an urgency to withdraw and shut up. of course, this makes me very sad, since I feel my best when I can openly unmask and be myself. if this experience sounds familiar, what do you do to overcome it? how do I become more aware of how I come off to others to be sure I’m not annoying them? thanks!

I hope it's okay that I ask this here; I checked the rules and don't think I'm breaking any.

For background, I'm on the spectrum myself, but I'm looking for suggestions to help my daughter (diagnosed Aspergers) as we experience autism differently. I'd be really grateful to hear from people whose experiences might be more similar to hers.

She's 12, nearly 13, and is struggling socially. She has one good friend and one or two other more peripheral friends, but for the most part, her peers exclude her. From what I can gather, they're not directly mean to her but instead ignore her and see her as the weird kid. This happens both at school and in extracurricular activities. She's a really kind, engaging, and hilarious kid and often connects well initially, but at some point she's unable to keep masking and the kids sense the autism and pull away.

For those of you who had similar experiences, is there anything your parents did or could have done to make being an autistic tween/teen more bearable? I'm trying to spend more time with her to make sure she at least feels like she has good company at home. I'm also looking into some autism meetups and social skills classes, but I'm not sure how willing she'll be to participate.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I got a cat around a week ago. I grew up with cats and loved them, and I love meeting and interacting with cats out of the home. Since moving to my own place, getting a cat has crossed my mind from time to time, but I never felt ready. It's been a big few years with moving, getting my diagnosis, and changing jobs, and I was just about finding my equilibrium and feeling pretty happy.

I saw this cat available for adoption and she seemed perfect. I really agonised over whether to adopt her or not, and made sure I got as much information as I could in advance. When I went to visit her, I felt super ready and super sure.

Since getting her though, I've felt really anxious and unmoored. I know this is mostly me struggling to manage change, but there are things I'd forgotten about cat ownership which I'm really struggling with as an autistic person.

The worst thing is the smell of the litter tray (even though it's probably as minimal as it could be) and the smell of the food, but I'm also struggling with the extra burden of keeping my place clean and tidy, her disrupting my sleep, never feeling like I'm truly alone, the terrifying feeling of responsibility when I just about manage to be responsible for myself.

My feelings keep changing, and I don't know what to do. I really care about her already, and I think she likes me, but I also feel lowkey on the edge of a meltdown because of all the change and the heightened sensory issues. It feels like things were going great two weeks ago and I ruined it all with one bad decision.

Can anyone else relate to this? Do you think I will get used to having her around, and to all the things I'm currently struggling with? Should I consider reaching out to the rescue again and discussing alternative options?

tl;dr will I get used to having a cat in my life, or should I start thinking about other options?

Please, if possible, don't tell me I should have thought about this more before adopting her. I can't stress how much I thought about this and how many times I changed my mind back and forth before feeling sure in my decision. I already hate myself enough for possibly choosing wrong, and the impact that might have on her wellbeing.

I didn’t do anything productive today but I was tired and now I feel guilty I can’t even relax. How do I stop feeling guilty for resting?

Today is still one of those days when I went shopping I didn't find anything. I don't like the colors (too clear, too bright) or the material of the garment or the way pants are cut .. so I can't find anything.

I tend to always wear the same thing and buy similar clothes, it doesn't surprise you .. and in addition I always have the impression that nothing will suit me. And the fact that there are people in the store and the music too loud annoys me. In the end, it turns into a nightmare.

So my question is: how do you buy new clothes?

I need my routines to keep myself sane. But I can’t help but feel super held back because of it. I dislike doing anything out of routine which would include even fun things such as making plans with a friend or going out of town for the weekend whatever it is, if it’s out of routine it’s extremely draining to do and a meltdown might happen because of it.

I haven’t been working the past few months and I’ve gotten into a routine but somehow I end up busy all day and I just don’t know how I would handle more or how I ever did in the past. I don’t get how people are able to be so busy. I hate that I need so much recharge time to stay sane. I hate that I have to abide by my routines to stay sane. I wanna be spontaneous and have fun and do things that are out of my routine but the distress it cause is rarely worth it. It’s just disappointing I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on life but when I don’t even drive anymore I feel so disabled and stuck home to my routines.

What’s frustrating is that I didn’t feel this disabled as a teen but now that I’m an adult out of college I’m feeling so left behind and stuck. I truly don’t understand how I ever did so much.

I've been doing it all my life without realising but recently found out I'm not bipolar/bpd etc, I have ASD. It's quite an eye opener.

I've been opening up to him about how I really feel about big crowds and parties and how I think. Yesterday, he accused me of being deceitful for masking. He said he doesn't know me and that I've been lying to him.

Help.

I was diagnosed with autism a couple months ago and since then I started feeling a little better about myself and that not everything is my fault and I’m not some weird alien. But then I also started seeking some help specifically for autistics. Before I only researched social skills and it only made me feel worse but right now when searching for the same stuff but for autistic people I don’t feel so bad, I feel like it’s normal and I’m not some weirdo.

I know that with strangers my facial expressions can be bland and my voice so soft and quiet people barely hear or notice me. So I started researching things on how could I change this behavior so as to look more appealing and friendly and let people know the real me. But people deem such things masking behavior and I don’t know how can I help myself.

I want to change but people say I shouldn’t. I don’t wanna be ignored and don’t want other people to be repulsed by me. I no longer know what’s right and what’s not. I feel like people saying how bad is masking for you just want me to suffer.

Please, tell me what should I do? I’m just so lost and feel like no one wants me to get better. Did you experience something like this? What did you do back then?

I'm sorry, this is really long but I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm feeling really gross about myself because I feel really weird when I interact with NT people but I also feel weird when I interact with ND people, sometimes, because yeah, to them, how social/popular I am makes me seem NT to them. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone and I feel so uniquely messed up.

At this point, I'm almost certain that I am somewhere on the spectrum, especially because my older brother self-identifies as AuDHD (he even came to this conclusion without having discussed it with me!) and I suspect that my mother might be as well, because she is in her 60s and now talks to me all the time about her struggles with feeling different/stupid/slow since she was a child. Both my mom and my older brother obviously fit the criteria.

I have a lot of the symptoms, from emotional meltdowns that I can't control, to sensory sensitivities, hyperfixations, and... yeah. But a few years ago, before my brother heard about AuDHD and before my mom opened up to me about her struggles, I went in to get a diagnosis for autism at a university hospital after hearing about autism in women on a podcast and then doing over a year of research about autism in women.

I was fairly confident, actually like 100% sure, and was seeking out the diagnosis so I could be connected with resources to help better cope with being autistic.

A few weeks later, my examiner called me on the phone and told me that I could not possibly have autism. She said that though I didn't seem to be able to wait my turn in the conversation/not know when to talk and when to stop (oh my god, I was mortified), I was probably just nervous, and I'm far, far, far too good at social cues. She even laughed as she said that there's no way I'm autistic. She was like, "Autistic people aren't like you."

That really threw me for a loop. I actually felt confusion and grief. I'd read about diagnosers being wrong/dismissing people's experiences, but I saw something in what she said to me and I still struggle with feeling like I must just be a weirdo, a failure, just a very charming one.

I wasn't always good at socializing. I grew up very sheltered and, again, in a non-white and mostly ND home, and for physical + mental health reasons, I basically dropped out of high school and lived at home while attending a commuter college, so I really had to catch up on social skills when I moved abroad at 22 for a couple of years. I was awkward and clumsy and seemed to routinely flub almost every single interaction. I worked on it every single day and it stressed me out so much.

I did so much work, also, to seem like a normal person. Like, by nature, I am not interested in things outside of my interests and don't like trying new things. I reread my favorite fantasy book about 300 times when I was a child. When I'm stressed I put the same song on loop for hours and can rack up 1000+ listens on a single song. I won't know who big musicians are if I don't like their music. I fit the diagnostic criteria for ARFID and as a child would only eat 3 or 4 microwave meals, like I refused to try a steak until I was over 10.

Now I'm 27. I make efforts to not be who I am by nature (I make myself try new things, etc), but I don't make the same efforts that other people describe to mask, and I'm still visibly popular socially and I receive way more romantic interest than I know what to do with.

I do have a TON of friends. I mean a TON. Actually I suspect that how weird I am is the reason for my success. Like I'm visibly weird, right off the bat. People will tell me that I am one of the most unique or unforgettable people they've ever met because I'm just... legitimately bizarre. If I'm anything like my mom (and I am), then I understand.

I had a birthday party with last minute notice and 25 people came, with probably like 10-15 people who would have come if they didn't live far away. And I'm honestly so lucky for this, but none of them are fake friends. I'm closer to some than to others, of course, but I can sit down with literally any of them and we can talk about our lives or I can tell them what I'm actually thinking about and we'll have a good, fulfilling conversation.

My friends are always there for me. They always show up for me. If I am ever having a bad day, I can call or text literally like 10 people and they will get back to me as soon as they can. They always tell me how sweet and amazing and unique I am. I've been going through some really tough stuff mentally — it was baaaad; you can see my post history — and even when I was literally not responding to any texts or anything, people would still text me to let me know that they loved me.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Just, I have so, so many struggles that fit the autistic experience to a T, but I'm aware that my social life as described above doesn't fit in with the experiences of people that I think of as "real" autistic people.

I guess it's like this: I have a close NT friend who has ARFID. Despite the work I've put in to seem more normal, everyone else in my life is aware of how picky I am. Like with socializing, I forced myself to eat new foods and now don't stand out as a picky eater even though I only eat my safe foods at home. But instead of understanding me + bonding over our difficulties with food, my friend tells me I can't possibly have ARFID because if I had ARFID I wouldn't be able to do that.

How can I struggle so much yet still be "normal"? I can't tell if I'm trying to insert myself where I don't belong or if people just don't want to claim me. Am I that messed up? :(

joking mostly?

But seriously, just existing as an autistic person and doing what others consider bare minimum can be very draining. I always thought I was just lazy or bad at life. Now that I know I’m autistic, it makes sense. Still full of internalized ableism, but I’m learning to give myself grace and trying to unlearn all of the negative ideas I have about myself.

Hope everyone is doing ok and learning it’s ok to just exist and do the bare minimum sometimes.

Really big tornadoes.

Y'all, that super cell yesterday hit just two miles from my house. That intensity was enough to exhaust me, but then there were more potential tornadoes on the way. And there were a bunch of tornadoes headed to all the various places our extended families live. After that, we stayed up really late because there was another potential tornado headed our way, with an extra buddy. And of course we had a bit to drink because this crap is intense! The power was out, I was hungry, Aunt Flo of course was part of the party, and the cat hates being locked in a dark closet while the world is falling apart around here. We have big dogs that were all hyped up, and a tween with a former special interest in twisters so he's too informed for his own good.

It's the next day and I'm a slug on the sofa, still in my pajamas. I'm just exhausted! Volunteers are being turned away until rescue crews can finish up, and my chainsaw is electric, so not useful out there anyway. School is cancelled so the kiddo is also a slug today.

Stay safe out there everyone, and remember to take your recuperation seriously and without guilt! And maybe don't watch storm chasers for ten hours straight if you can avoid it.

My home-based business slowed down so I’m looking at part-time work in the community. I was getting bored and depressed being home too much anyway. I’ve been applying and interviewing with receptionist roles. I used to do that when I was younger and health care always needs them. I was weirdly good with the scripts and the protocol of the role, and I never worked a super busy switchboard or anything.

Now I’m looking into it armed with knowing I’m autistic. Does anyone have any back to work success tips? I’m thinking of keeping some soft microfiber in a pocket if I need to touch it, for instance.

I am jealous of neurotypical people who can manage this because I’m not sure I can do it for much longer. I’m currently working 40 hours a week and the commute there and back is mentally draining me. I don’t know how people can do this all their life. I work in daycare and sometimes it gets so overwhelming. Some neurotypical people just find me off completely. I guess that’s something I have to deal with.

Went to Taco Bell, something I don't do often. Wanted something with chicken, so actually reading the menu.

I notice a Cantina Chicken Taco thing, and it sounds interesting. I glance away for a second, and now it's a burrito? ...Oh no, is this a carousel of images? I've worked both UX and marketing, and the diatribe I could go on about image carousels replacing static, digestible information, all in the name of "engagement"... but that's another story.

I wait for the taco to circle back, while trying to remember what chicken stuff other people say is good at Taco Bell.

The menu is not readable from even one car length back, so now it's showtime. I pull forward.

As soon as I hear "hello welcome to-" the entire 6 foot menu board disappears. Replaced by a full screen ad for... cheese pulls? I guess? No more menu. While I am trying to order.

Completely caught off guard. Why advertise to me while I am trying to BUY a thing from you.

Panic ordered.

"UH! Cantina tacos, and, can I get a Diet Dr Pepper with that?"

"We don't have that, we have Diet Pepsi, is that okay?"

What I should have said was, "no, can I get a Baja Zero?" or "do you maybe have Pepsi Zero? Or only Diet?" Instead I said, "uh, sure." Again, was just thankful I wasn't completely nonverbal.

So now I'm back at the office. I was looking forward to lunch all morning, and really only wanted a decent fountain drink to caffeinate me and get me through the afternoon. It just takes so little for me to panic order, and now I'm stuck with one of the worst of the last-generation diet sodas.

(These cantina tacos are godawful, btw. It's fast food trying to cash in on the quesabirria trend, and the texture is like if you've ever tried to reheat nachos. Drove by a place with actual good quesabirria for this, because I wanted a fountain drink.)

I just. I am so tired of panic ordering. And it takes so little going wrong to make me do it.

Whenever something makes me go off like this, I try to look for positives, or to see if I can turn it into an opportunity. I guess this is the universe telling me to cook more?

I hate spending so many hours on school. I want to do stupid shit all day long and just relax and do what I want. I wouldn't mind if I had to spend like a couple hrs or so a day on school but I need to spend way more hours on it. As a result I'm constantly behind on school work and it's a mental struggle. I'm almost never in the mood to work. I feel like my day was wasted if I spend many hours on school, it's just not exciting or fulfilling.

I’m scheduled to get tested for a number of things later this month; ADHD, anxiety, depression, other general mood disorders, and general personality disorders, I’m not sure of the specifics besides ADHD. However I’ve always suspected I was on the spectrum. I’ve never felt like a normal person in my life. I’ve been especially aware since attending college and seeing how other people handle things and the things they’ve experienced. I was wondering if I should advocate for some kind of autism diagnosis, here are some things I experience everyday:

-sensory issues with fabrics, sounds, and sensations. I get sick just thinking about touching wood, rope, velvet, and so many other textures. I get really annoyed in regular clothing and prefer to stay as comfortable as possible or I’ll have a meltdown. Sometimes internal and external reactions. I’ve always been annoyed with loud noises. I was scared of fireworks and the vacuum as a kid and now I hate how loud toilet flushes are and the hand dryers in bathrooms. -lack empathy. I can sometimes have empathy for others but it feels fake/not genuine. I usually feel guilty because I can’t reciprocate feelings that others have -I have a hard time telling how people feel. I know when moods are off, but I exhaust myself trying to know what exactly they’re feeling. -feeling like I have to have a different personalities around others and I get so exhausted trying to keep up this mask that isn’t me. -don’t understand/don’t want to participate in certain social expectations such as acknowledging people who come in the room, saying excuse me when it’s not necessary, acknowledging someone in passing, having southern hospitality. I live in the south so these are very hard to avoid and it just makes me so upset that I’m expected to follow those expectations. -I have a hard time saying thank you. Maybe it’s from my parents always making me say thank you for things that were the bare minimum necessities for a child, but who knows. I often forget to say thank you when I should. I’m not trying to be rude, but it happens. -always labeled quiet and mature for my age when really I didn’t feel the same as my peers and often thought I should interact with people who were older. -terrible at eye contact unless I’m comfortable with a person. It’s either really long, uncomfortable eye contact or no eye contact.

The list could go on forever, but I’ll stop there. But I’ve always wondered if I experience so much trouble and anxiety because I’m autistic. Maybe I’m wrong. My little brother has autism and he’s the textbook definition of boys with autism so it always made me think there’s no way I could be on the spectrum and the fact that I’m so aware of my “differences” that I can’t be. Until I learned that autism in women is much different from autism in boys. I’m really just interested in getting validity that what I experience isn’t normal or maybe it’s just extreme ADHD. My partner seems to think it could be both, but I’m not sure.

I live in the deep countryside, and I never see anyone other than my family (I'm very happy with that). I spend all my time, all year long, in sweat pants, work clothes, or anything practical which I can get dirty while tending to my garden and animals. It's comfy so that's great, but I have absolutely no chance to make myself look pretty (for myself, I don't need anyone's approval over how I look). I can't just put on my jeans or a skirt because they'd get muddy within a second, and I feel like it's weird to just dress up nice to cook by myself, let alone to dig and give chicken poop to my plants.

I know I won't stop having seizures and throw up when confronted with people. I love my house and animals, and it makes me feel useful and proud when I eat the results of my own work. But I still feel sad knowing that I'm going to live the rest of my life dressed like a muddy potato sack and I won't use my shoes anymore (I have 3 pairs of shoes I love, they're comfy, and super nice). I really like my shoes. And I like finding myself pretty.

I know it's stupid but I really wanted to let it out. I tried talking to my husband about it, but then he said "what do you want me to say ? I don't care about clothes it's not interesting. Do whatever. Or what do you want to buy a car so you can go grocery shopping ?" So yeah, I don't really think there's any solution to that, I'll maybe look ok once or twice a year for eurovision and Christmas. I'll have to come to terms with that. And suck it up because it seems I can't talk to my husband about it.

I just needed to say it to someone somewhere, sorry for that. Have an excellent day !

I know I shouldn’t care or compare myself and I know social media is all fake. But I can’t help but feel this way. I’ve always been triggered by allistic girls since I was in elementary school with them. Never knew why but I always felt I just could never be them. I’m 25 now and only got diagnosed last year. Girls from highschool are all getting married and posting about it and they have so many bridesmaids. I wouldn’t know who to invite as a bridesmaid. I don’t have a group of friends don’t even have a best friend anymore. I couldn’t even fake fun on IG if I wanted I have nothing to take photos of me doing.

What I’m most jealous of though is their ability to be successful and work a career job and have money coming in. I’m jealous they can afford vacations. I’m jealous they don’t need to recharge for half of the week and can make plans all weekend making memories with friends. I’m not making memories when I stay home all weekend but I love my routine and would likely have a meltdown if I had too busy of a weekend. I just wish I didn’t have to do all that just to stay sane. I wish I could just fucking drive at the very least but I moved states and am scared.

I guess I’m in the grief stage of my late diagnosis. I guess my dislike for allistic women comes from jealously. I’ll never be that.