I regularly feel as though my autism along with other disabilities I have is a curse first and foremost but I figured for a change of pace I would share some projects I have completed. Shown here and here are the projects. I still feel as though I am behind in life but I figured I would at least share some nonnegative developments.

So, I’ve been going through a pretty hard burnout for the past year after realizing how much I’ve been masking without realizing what I was doing. I know some people with Asperger’s mask intentionally but I very seldom knew what I was doing and even when I did I thought I was just making myself “be normal” Over the past year I’ve kept finding more and more aspects of my behaviour and personality that were constructed as part of masking and it seems as soon as I notice it, it becomes really difficult to maintain. A lot of the sensory issues I thought I had gotten over are starting to come back as well. I feel like I need to maintain certain aspects of masking in order to have relationships. I can’t go around telling people the truth as I see it. That’s not been a winning strategy in the past and probably one reason I started masking in the first place. Anyone else get over this and if so, how?

Hello. What are some jobs that are better suited for autistic people? I think I may be on the spectrum. I currently work in a hospital and while the specific job I have is interesting, it is very stressful dealing with all the announcements and alarms that come over the loud speaker, people constantly calling or knocking on our door, and unexpected changes to my daily routine. Thanks for your response.

“Did you know?”

Leyn is searching my face for any form of reaction so that he can then analyze said reaction and determine the answer on his own.

I once heard a story about how my ancestors were the great philosophers and leaders of this village, a village named after us: Caszvius. People seem either to have forgotten or just stopped bringing it up around me. But I guess Leyn has neither forgotten nor decided to not bring it up around me. I know he’s trying to hurt me with this, in some form, but I find it kind of refreshing.

“I’d heard some things… when I was smaller people were a little more free about what they said around me, and I loved to eavesdrop.” I give him a smirk to show that his attempt at hurting me has failed and, in fact, has brought up a cute memory for me. His face pauses as he processes what has happened, and then the mask of ‘composure’ returns as he attempts a retort.

“Well, obviously that’s not the case for your family nowadays.” Here he goes, last ditch effort with the obvious ‘painful truth’ (he even references that he knows it’s obvious as not to seem stupid). I don’t even put the effort in to say a word. I simply look at him, smiling, and shrug my shoulders and face forward as we walk back home.

“I mean, what do you think happened? You know, to you guys?” He’s trying to save face, he doesn’t actually care to know, outside of only being able to use the information as fodder for gossip. Well, I guess that means he really does care enough to where I can’t discount it. I could really say anything I wanted to him right now and by tomorrow half the village would know. Anything I want to tell half the village, I could! But what would I say? I could spread some ridiculous tale with a crazy moral. I could tell him absolute nonsense and have everyone think I’m a loon. I could –

“Well, I guess you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It really is just weird how nobody seems to…. Know? Like some people remember or have proof of your family being in power but there’s nothing to look back on about what happened to you guys…. And this is only 100 years ago, well, less actually! There are still people alive who don’t know! So strange.”

… I don’t think I realized how much thought he put into this. He also seems to be concerned with what actually happened and not assuming my family was cursed by a demon.

“I have no clue.” I look him dead in the eyes, forcing him to understand that this isn’t a lie. “I don’t know a thing about it and I also find it weird, but I just don’t talk about it because everyone, even Gran, seems to be so weird when confronted. Did you know that even Gran doesn’t know? Isn’t that so strange?”

I turn to face our street, but I don’t walk. I am waiting to see how he responds to this one, oh-so juicy bit of information. I think everybody assumed Gran was just keeping it secret, like it was some big, ugly monster in our basement, just waiting to be discovered. It’s what helped fuel everybody’s being ok to silently shun us, able to assume that our ancestry was cursed and to avoid. Will this information make the rounds? Will it change everybody’s perspective on us? Will it make them more steadfast in our secrecy, believing it’s still some sort of lie? Will he tell anyone at all?

“I see…” He takes the two steps to stand by my side, but instead of facing the street he remains facing me. “You know, when you act like that you seem really suspicious though…” He glances me up and down and furrows his brows, doing his best to convey that he thinks I’m still hiding something. I’m not. And I don’t understand what made him think I’m lying.

“What am I doing that’s so suspicious?” I return his glances with an unwavering stare.

“First of all, you’re barely saying anything – if you say anything at all! It’s obvious that you’re in your head, thinking. It seems like you’re trying to lie on the spot. Then, suddenly, when you do answer me it’s with this super intense glare, and it’s the only time in the conversation you feel present – as if you know you have to protect something. Then, when you finish talking, you shut the whole conversation down by walking away, then stopping, which felt like you wanted to move on and were even upset with me for bringing it up at all.”

“I see…” I look back down our street. I tried resisting a smile, but when it finally broke loose I looked back to Leyn, who was already smiling back at me.

“You’re absolutely weird. I love it.” He shoves me with his hand, and I return with as big a shove I could muster, sending him into the dirt – HARD. This makes us both end on the ground, laughing until our chests were sore with tears rolling down our cheeks. He knows who I am, how I am, and that these are my little ways.

He has been having daily meltdowns and aggression outburst (mostly flipping furniture, throwing stuff but occasionally trying to hit us). He's almost 13 and a very smart Aspie. He says he does that because he rages and that it is normal and when he doesnr get his way ot triggers him. We are all learning how to help him calm down and descalating as since puberty he's having super difficulty regulating his emotions. Is this rage/aggressive/violent phase ever goes away? Has anything helped any of you at the age if you struggled with emotion control? Last resort is ABA therapy but I've heard it totally traumatized people on the spectrum but I don't know what else to do to help him

Today I had an epiphany and I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling right now or how to articulate this effectively. But I only recognize emotions when they are extreme, and otherwise it’s hard for me to express or understand what I’m feeling, if anything at all. But today I thought about gratitude and thing I’m grateful for yk; just recognizing and acknowledging my privileges and suddenly I began to feel something very intense. I’m feeling it now as I type this and it’s very strange for me. I feel as if I could cry and I really don’t know why. I’m honestly confused because I rarely feel anything other than rage, apathy, or elation. Has anyone else experienced this? Nobody is understanding me right now. I don’t even really understand it. Of course it’s not a literal expression, but internally I feel it if that makes sense. Not sure what’s going on. I was just thinking about my bed and my dogs.

I'ma try to be as respectful as possible with this, but this is a huge topic of interest of mine. I do not take it lightly. It's one of my biggest values.

Essentially, I've seen a lot of people on this sub (as well as neurotypical society as a whole, but we all know how that one goes lol) state or otherwise imply that people who don't conform to society are bad people (if you want my honest opinion, I think a lot of autistic people, not just here, want to do what they want, but their desire to conform supersedes that). Why is that the case? Because other people are uncomfortable? What if conformity makes me uncomfortable? Hypocritical double standards are not to be respected, even if the majority makes them.

Essentially, if you're going around doing "weird" things, in most cases, I think it's quite fine unless you're being malicious on purpose. But where most people seem to disagree is that as soon as the other person(s) becomes uncomfortable by your real personality, the only objective way to solve it is by kowtowing to them. Why is it never the other way around? Or ideally not at all?

Like if I go into a grocery store wearing a Satanic T-Shirt in Louisiana, I'm not going to suddenly stop wearing it just because other people give me looks or get offended. I'm not maliciously wearing it, so I honestly feel like their feelings, while unfortunate, are collateral damage. They'd say the same thing to me. If I were to continue wearing it with the intention of offending them or if the store owner kicked me out and I didn't respect it? Imo, that's the kind of being yourself stuff that I find immoral.

The crux of my point is this: stop stigmatizing others because they don't conform. You don't know the reasons they are the way they are.

I notice that I get way too pissed off and stressed if someone is being an asshole to me for no reason, acting like I’m the problem even though I did nothing, or just all around not treating me with basic human empathy and respect, especially on the internet.

I did get bullied alot as a kid and it could be psychological trauma, but I genuinely can’t tell anymore if it’s my trauma or if I’m just a sensitive person overall. Does anyone else feel like this too?

I get that you don’t want to be a complete pariah. (Although those of us with Autism sometimes feel like it.)

But you also don’t want to be a lemming, who swallows tide pods, and has no independent thinking.

So how do you balance individuality with conformity?

Thanks.

Was wondering if the scenario below (or some variation of it) is familiar to any of you:

1. Try to express a grievance you have with some person

2. They act hurt, offended, defensive, etc.

3. You feel like an asshole

4. Express remorse and apologize to the person

5. Then you feel frustrated and weak at your inability to stick up for yourself, or for being unable to convey your point tactfully

I never thought turning 30 would be a big deal, now that I'm 29 it seems like quite a big thing. I went back to where I grew up late last year, I met people I hadn't seen since school and in the case of this one lad I realised that I hadn't seen him in 16 years, literally someone who was born when I last seen him would be 16 now; that made me feel old.

I remember watching friends back in the day, they had a whole episode about this, and I remember thinking at the time that 30 isn't that old, but now it really seems like it is.

You don’t have to read this but if so feel free. Depression is really clouding my head for the past month, haven’t been able to get a job for the past 2 months. Applying is no issue, it’s the interview part that makes people notice about me. I’ve been told that I don’t seem “right in the head” due the constant shakiness, my anxious voice, the stuttering, constantly forgetting things and conversations that go from one ear to the other. I tried my best to make a good impression but I keep fucking up and the more I try the more I see myself not amounting up to anything. It really hit me hard when I started playing my favorite retro game (it helped my depression at the time) and noticed I kept losing, I never lost in that game once since I was in elementary. The one thing I was supposed to be good at is now failing, I’m starting to look inward in my life to the point of becoming too self aware of my past weird/cringe actions. I can’t look at myself the same no more, I’m naive, pushover, laughingstock, bad example, embarrassment… all these names I ignored in the past but the pattern is there makes your realize the my traits has always been there, I just never noticed. I’ve been isolating in my room all week, not talking to anybody cause I know I’ll give off my weird attitude again. Trying my best to see a psychiatrist but since I don’t have a job anymore, I’m off my health plan, I’m researching better options but the time being I’m just here, existing, not knowing what to do. It’s lonely here.

Any advice or wisdom will be appreciated.

I've made a list of topics I am ready to talk about: • history • geography • cooking • ethics & morale • suicides • mental diseases • dark humor • low-quality propaganda • literature • rivers and lakes • popular linguistics • certain video games • transport and traveling through city • weather • religions • wounds, scars & favourite health problems • local memes from D&D • antiwork • vegetation & birds • strange architectural decisions

The problem is that most of them match a sustained friendship, not a small convo. So I am looking for ideas to discuss with semi-stranger normal people, other than personalized gossips.

Im interested to see what others would do and think with this instruction.

If you got a letter through your door at 5pm saying where there are cones on the road (where your car is) you have to move your car by 8.30am the next day.

My questions are when would you move your car? How much planning and thinking would you do? If you looked out of the window at 9pm and your car was the only one left would that change your plans?

I try to sleep from night to morning but that just doesnt work for me. Often i feel like im not in the right settings or "switch". I just sleep when im tired and then go on with the day, often midnight too. Midnight it is way quieter too so plus if i want some alone time.

I had a work where i could work 24/7 so that certainly influenced me too.

Does anyone else experience this? So far no problems and i feel more in rhythm to be honest. The more i get to know myself, the more i realise this system is really not made for me...

Do you guys have a special day in your calendar that's like a holiday only you celebrate but no one else does? do you have any traditions? I personally celebrate Juggalo Day which is the 17th of February by Watching Big Money Hustlas and having some Faygo. It's strange because I am not much of a "Holiday" kind of guy as I used to, just wondering if anyone else does something like this

I have lost two jobs in 3 months… I cannot seem to keep a job. I just feel so overwhelmed, mentally and physically exhausted, every time I go to work no matter how hard I try and even use what I learnt in therapy. I feel physically sick sometimes like my brain just doesn’t want me to do a hard days work. I’m not lazy… just absolutely exhausted from it all. Having to be kind and talk to people on top of it all just burns me out.I have had all sorts of jobs now and none seem to be suitable for me!!! I’m trying my best … it’s just not good enough!!!

I feel that many times the problem is not that I don't understand what I'm supposed to do, but that despite understanding, I react in a different way because I don't feel exactly like the others.

Today I got the confirmation for a retail job. That pissed me off when it shouldn't have. I'm a really good computer scientist but I focused on working for free on projects that help society, I didn't manage my finances well (as all I think about and do is writing software), didn't apply to software developer jobs enough and now I'm having to take a retail job.

There's so much going on and I'm having to ask family for money to just be able to afford food and rent in my late 20s. I have 2 days to start working, and I am really grateful for not going homeless or starving to death.

I also struggle with two addictions, cigarettes and weed. When I stopped smoking weed a few weeks ago I started stimming again, rocking back and forwards when coding, which I personally dislike and try my best to not do. When I attempted to stop smoking cigarettes I nearly put an end to my life, which scared me, made me absolutely unproductive, resulting into going back to smoking cigarettes again.

I am very lucky I have the financial support of my family, but it took a lot of letting go of my pride to ask for help. I was considering going homeless just so I wouldn't have to ask for help. I know this would make them sad and I know I had to sit through angry family members giving me shit for not looking out for myself in a better way. I don't blame them, it's all my fault, I'd hate to shift blame on anything. It's not my autism, it is the decisions I've taken - even when I struggle to believe in free will given the historical and concurrent inputs and outputs seem to me to always result in a predefined set of actions.

A previous company I worked for messed up their finances and sent me more money then they should've paid me for many months, which I did not notice. Eventually, I got a job offer at another place, took it as it seemed like a better place, then it turned out to not be a good fit, leaving me unemployed. Months later of not finding a job, when my finances were very low, they notified me of the mistake and since I don't have the finances for it they are now threatening to sue me if I don't come up with the money in a few weeks. I have a squeaky clean record as I follow all the rules and I'm devastated by something like this happening. This added even more pressure to the tech interviews I had, which I think helped on me not getting software developer positions I should've gotten in my opinion, based on my accomplishments in my area, but than again, I'd hate to shift blame and I take the responsibility as my own lack of personal performance.

I really struggle to cook for myself, to the point of borderline starving myself since I'm always focused on what I enjoy the most. I'm happy I've been able to cook the last few weeks.

I'm also having to move to a new location soon (leasing contract ended), and organizing myself to move to the new location is already a huge struggle, even more now with the retail job, which is very costumer facing, adding more pressure - as I'll have to mask even harder than I already do.

At the end of the day, I'm really struggling with everything, I feel like I could add a lot more value to society with all my credentials and achievements, I'm facing pressure in every direction in life and I find myself in a drowning like situation. I try to do the best that I can.

I sometimes hate being autistic, I sometimes hate how I struggle so much more with being a functional adult on my own. But autism is not to blame, it is me, living with the results of the decisions I've taken. Like anything, being in the spectrum is a blessing and a curse but not a defining aspect of who I am and what I do.

I think I'll be ok, I just want to do nothing all day, I won't, but I want to. Even if I do nothing, I still feel a lot of anxiety as all the challenges going on in my life keep hammering my mind.

I feel like I am in one of my darkest hour, writing to Reddit as I wouldn't want to bother anyone I know about all of this.

I hate how there is nothing anyone can say to make all of this better, hardly anything anyone could do to bail me out of life's challenging endeavors, it's all up to me to pick my life up from the ground to get back out there, swinging for the fences as I tend to do.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a button to make all our life problems go away? I sometimes have such silly utopian desires.

I guess it is just another day at struggling really badly with life. I am hopeful I'll see brighter days ahead of me and wish everyone out there the respect they deserve.

I don't want to be different. If i just

• Start enjoying mainstream hobbies and interests.
• Become more athletic than I'm already am.
• Start listening to mainstream music and watching mainstream media.
• Become more risk-taking and aggressive.
• Become more outgoing and extrovert.
• Dress properly and not like a nerd.
• Increase my tolerance towards high noise.
• Start enjoy being around other people.
• Increase my stress tolerance.
• Change my views on drugs.
• Get a girlfriend and become a parent.
• Get friends.

Everything will be fine, because everyone else do this and they are happy, right? So if I become normal, I will become happy, right?

Now just to clarify not every autistic person is capable of communication but that isn't who this study was for. They did a diffusion chain study with 3 sets of 24. 24 autistic people, 24 not autistic people and a group of 24 where it alternated. These groups were further split into groups of 8 with 3 sets of autistic, not autistic and alternating between were made. For each group the first person was brought into the room and told a 30 point story about a bear on a journey designed to be difficult to predict and had no inherent social aspects. The researcher would read the story to the first person in private than the first person would recount it to the next person in private and so on and so forth till the last person told what they heard. I am simplifying this but basically what it boiled down to is that the amount of errors increased faster in mixed groups then in groups of all one type. Also that autistic people didn't have issues retelling events among each other. Basically when each group was with there own peers they were able to more effectively communicate with each other. Basically autistic people aren't stupid. We are running a different operating system and it's hard for us to talk to people who don't think like us. To me this is a good thing to know because I don't feel like so much of an idiot when I struggle to explain something. I understand that lack of compatibility is upsetting to people who wish to fit in. I myself just feel better that I'm not broken just different. The struggle will always be there but perhaps there is hope for understanding. Here is an example of the journal I was reading from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1362361320919286

We turn inward and enjoy ours alone. We imagine conversations and relationships and lives and universes where things match up with our thoughts and feelings and wants and needs. We create worlds where we feel soothed by having a chance to thrive.

But what if Allistics also live fantasy lives? What if they just don't turn them inward? What if they post theirs on instagram and make vision boards and walk the walk and fake it until they make it and lie on their resumes and enlist their friends and family to agree to make it a reality? And what if working together with a group to collectively envision a fantasies is literally all it takes?

Because once you hit critical mass and enough other people start believing the same fantasy as you, then the rules of social agreement make it a true reality. If it's everybody's reality and everybody agrees that you're who you say you are, then it becomes true.

So long as everybody continues to live in the collective delusion, and never admits that someone else's dream reality doesn't match up with your reality. Or worse, that it doesn't match observable, scientific reality. Because if you do that, they'll lose everything. And in response, they use this ability to craft a new reality, a new social punishment, new label for us. And they are good at enlisting others into crafting their versions of reality.

You know the people who bring joy into the room the moment they step in. They talk to anyone with no problem and they always have something to tell, people love them, they're cheering.

I've always wanted to be a talkative and cheering person but I'm not. I'm quite and I can't give my love and caring to anyone. I can't say a thing when I enter in a room. I'm always cold and can't feel anything to anyone. I always miss the opportunity of helping even if they need me because i can't tell the difference between helping someone and stepping into their privacy.

I can't stop comparing my boring personality with them and i can't help but hate myself.

For a long time, like 10 months, i didnt have any long conversation with anybody. Today i talked with my family for 2-3 hours but after 1.5 hours, i found speaking so hard. Hard to think, hard to verbalize and making grammar mistakes or using a different word sounds similar to word that i want to tell. Ive forgot this fact about myself but remembered now. Is it happens to you?

Recently, I had lots of meltdowns, a lack of sleep and many other problems due to stress and sensory overload. I found some old panini albums from football tournament along with loads of sticker packs I never opened. I started to stick the stickers in their right position in their album and I felt some kind of „relief“ from problems. Can someone relate? Are there any other methods you practice?

Hello everyone. I (34F) might be in the spectrum and I'm kinda... still absorbing the idea. When my psicologist dropped the idea that I might be asperger a month ago, I was relief because it explained a lot of things in my life.

Right now I'm not coping well because I've been (again) accused of not caring about family (which, fair enough, from their point of view I might not care, or not care enough) and I'm feeling quite hurt. Social communication, relationships and my innability to maintain them are a very hard point for me, so I feel that was a low blow.

My family is not taking well my possible diagnosys (there's other more obvious illness and disabilities in the family and they feel like I'm trying to add to the burden) and I feel alone. My bf is aware of the diagnosys and doesn't care, I haven't talked to my friends yet.

Any tips to deal with the whole lot?

Alright so my boyfriend has Aspergers and we have been dating for a year now. Today we were discussing an event we attended and i asked him if he liked/enjoyed it and if he felt happy. He said he felt happy because everyone else was happy, so he felt the need to replicate it and smile. Then he said he does that with all emotions. I was a bit puzzled since i am a very emotional person, and i usually feel every emotion deeply. Then after a little bit more discussion, he said he doesnt understand what love is. I told him that for me its a fuzzy comforting feeling this i get when im with him, and he says he doesnt get that. This kind of hurt my feelings, since he always says he loves me but how could he if he doesn't know what love is? But then again everyone experiences love differently, i suppose. Despite this, i always see love in his actions, hes always kind to me and super caring. He says he just copies other peoples emotions which makes sense since its due to autism, but he does feel genuine emotions too right? When i asked him, he just said that he doesn't know. To me love is caring. It is a mix of happiness, comfort, affection, trust all in one. This is just very confusing to me, and i was wondering how would you describe love? Do you feel love or happiness? Just genuine emotions, or is it always copying the emotions of others around? I just feel at a bit of a loss right now since he said he doesn't know if he loves me and he doesnt really know what love is. Thanks for reading this!!

I have a really hard time modulating my voice and I constantly get told I speak too loud by strangers who tell me to quiet down because of how booming loud my voice is. All my life. It's upsetting because just in this last year there were like 3 incidents where people visibly got annoyed and started arguing with me. The question is it just another flavour of the tism.

To my understanding I have auditory processing disorder and hyperacusis, so I have the cocktail party problem, where I can't differentiate voices as soon as there is background noise. I can't hear myself speak if there is a background noise and immediately my voice gets louder without me realising. And unless somebody tells me to quiet down, it stays that loud.

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I'm completely oblivious to how loud I'm being. To me it's just a regular decibel. My hearing is superb, got it tested thrice so I don't need a hearing aids. The only thing that helps is sound reducing earplugs which dampen the background noise and people tell me I speak a regular volume then. Of course if I don't have them with me I'm shit out of luck.

Does anybody else have this flavour of the tism? Anybody found any other coping mechanism? Plz send help, NTs find me too loud.

I typically have to get 9 hours of sleep. If I get any less, my functioning is affected drastically. Last night I got 8 hours, and this morning I could do my normal activities, just a feeling a bit tired. And then afternoon hit and its like my entire brain slowed down, I could barely form a sentence because I can't think of the words. Also my job entails a lot of socialising, and I was barely able to talk. Just very slow thinking, almost like a burn out. Does anyone else get liek this?

I found out I might have autism recently, and I’ve been way more conscious of my behaviors that match it, but I’ve also noticed that i want to stim so much more and that sensory inputs are worse.

I’m scared I might be making things up now, and sometimes when i’m feeling a certain kind of way I try out stims to see if it gets better. Is it unmasking or placebo?