If you think you may hurt yourself or others, please call your local emergency services: 911, 999, 112, etc.

My niece and nephew are both in college now and live away from their parents. Both their parents have narc tendencies but their mom is full blown NPD.

The kids already have a bunch of psychological issues that are, as far as I am concerned, due to the way their parents raised them.

I'm wondering what info I can give them to help them break the cycle of abuse? I'm terrified they will both end up married to toxic, abusive people like their parents or have kids with toxic, abusive people who act like their parents (esp their mom, who is by far the worse of the 2).

Since you guys have been through this, what would've helped you to break the cycle of abuse, get the help you needed, and make sure you never ended up in relationship with, have kids with, or end up married to a cluster B abuser like your parents?

Part of me worries they are too young to see the abuse for what it is. But another part of me worries that they may not see the cycle of abuse for what it is until they've already gotten married to and had kids with terrible people who act like their parents.

How can I cope with the fact that I can’t go out with friends? All my three girl friends are now working in another city, I stayed behind trying to study at home for this one exam. I’m 24 years old. I don’t wanna go out alone. My ex is still my “friend” (we aren’t really talking much) but maybe he will go out with me. I told my parents I wanted to go out with him, he is my only friend that will probably go out with me and they didn’t approve :/. It’s not like I can be independent and move out because I really need time to study. But they won’t let me go out with my only friend like…. I can only go with my mom and for like these 4 times it’s fine but now I’m just depressed and crying all the time.

Hi, my parents want me to stay home for college, even though I want to go somewhere far away. Because of this, I’ve been applying to colleges in secret and have been getting into good ones that I really like.

For those who had nparents, did you go to your dream college after graduating and leave them behind? Or did you stay home and listen to them?

I really cant stay and deal with this any longer, even though I am aware with the financial burden I am going to be putting on myself.

Also, any seniors that are going through this too? Let me know what you plan on doing.

22 years of abuse, gaslighting, and attacks at my entire being. I hate to come to the conclusion that my mother was my biggest hater and setback. I also hate to come to the conclusion that my father will never be the father that I need unless he seeks help. Theres no more growth to be had in my relationships with them. Everytime she tells me she loves me my mind tells me that her words and actions don't match. The damage is done. Her love is meaningless. Her "love" has destroyed my mind, body, and soul. I have to save myself and forcefully detach in order to recover.

I don't have much to my name, but I managed to get a letter of documentation from my therapist citing my abuse, and why resources from my university would be beneficial. I bit the bullet and applied to emergency funding from my university, as the financial aid office referred me to that. I'm also becoming more open about the abuse I've endured, and no longer wish to suffer in silence. I've also randomly jumped up from 33 to 1 on my university's housing waitlist (which I assume happened because a student outreach staff vouched for me). If I secure housing for the spring semester I'll take the opportunity, as I think I will have the space to breathe, recover, and think of next steps from there. I would take a shitty dorm over constant verbal abuse, zero privacy, and threats of homelessness.

If this were 2 years ago, I would've convinced myself that I'm being ungrateful. That I'm foolish for leaving my mother's house as it was "rent free". However, I now know that I was paying with my sanity and the relinquishing of my independence and happiness. She is sick. She is ill. I think there is something innately wrong with her. I know she has trauma and ended up this way because of that, but that's not my baggage to deal with anymore. I don't have to suffer abuse simply because she failed to do the internal work thats needed to foster a healthy relationship with her child. I'm choosing to move on and walk away as difficult and life changing as it is. Adulthood is mine. My life is mine. Not hers. So, I'm choosing to save myself.

I finally lost my ever loving mind on my mother. This is going to be a long one - so tune in.

I (27F) have a daughter (8F). I’m now married and living with my husband for about 5 years now. I was an only child, and my childhood was a bit odd. My parents are still together, but worked many hours so my grandmother raised me in our family home. Mornings, school drop off and pick up, dance classes, doctors appointments were all done by her. I adored that woman with every ounce of me. She passed in 2007 when I was almost 10 over a weekend. After that - my parents hired Nannie’s from other countries (aupairs) to raise me so they could continue with their careers. Never missed a beat. Around 13, they left and I was on my own from that point forward to function and get myself to school and everything else.

I wasn’t the greatest teen and even early adult. I had a baby young (19) and it was a tumultuous relationship until I met my now husband. My parents live about 15 minutes away and maybe see my daughter every couple of months. I don’t ask for their help, even though last year her father moved to Florida and has been out of the picture since. So it’s really just on me and him.

Everything came to a head last week. I became extremely ill, probably the flu. I called my mom on Friday morning around 6am begging her to take my daughter to school for me because I could not get out of bed. She guilted me that if she took her to school, she would not get into her job until 10am (school starts at 8) because she works in a metropolitan city on east coast and traffic goes crazy. I pleaded that I just really needed her help this one time. (She has never taken my daughter to school since she’s been attending, now in 2nd grade, nor have I ever asked). She begrudgingly does it and I thank her.

She calls Friday night asking how I’m feeling and I tell her the same - still sick but was able to pick her up at least. She began to complain about how her commute took two hours and I just hung up because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t ask for help EVER. Meanwhile, her mother raised me and I don’t remember my mom ever thanking her for anything she did. She than texted me and as you can see by the messages, I lost my ever loving mind on her, for the first time in 15 years, I really gave her a piece of my mind.

Tests are below bc attachments aren’t allowed

You know what mom, I'm tired of dad and you telling me what a fuck up I am and how I ruined my life and this is my fate every fucking time when I just need someone to talk to. You have no CLUE how lucky you and dad both were that you had your own mom raising me for you guys for more than half of my childhood. Before Oma died I was a normal kid who was bright and happy and smart. Maybe you should look in the mirror and do some self reflecting on the way that I turned out and wonder why that is. You guys see [daughters name] maybe once every few months - I'm always the one who facilitates you seeing her or she asks to see you. Why is that? Are you that embarrassed of her and I that you don't even want to be close to your only grandchild? Because I didn't live up to you and dad's standards? Think about that. You live 15 minutes away and she wonders why you don't come around or ask to see her more often or invite her over to stay. I guess maybe I should just tell her that this is the life I chose and how things are, luck of the draw right? You have a lot of nerve asking [husbands name] what's wrong with me when I fucking told you what was wrong and you dismissed me and told me that life isn't fair and this is it for me like what the fuck is wrong w you seriously? You and dad can play coy all you want but I know the truth about why shit was so dysfunctional in my life but you don't understand because to you because there was money, cars, trips involved everything was good. Why did you and dad not put me in grief counseling when Oma died? She was more of a mother to me than you were. I felt like I lost my soul when she left and all you have a fuck about was your job. Or when I found out that you and dad's marriage is a fucking LIE. Taking me to a Trenton thunder game with a dude you were seeing on the low behind dad's back is actually hella funny. But you know what? I wanted you to like me so much that I never brought it up or said anything because I always felt like I was burden. But it's okay. Because I'm old enough to speak my truth, and I'm not scared or intimidated anymore to let you or anyone else know how I feel. I know you hate me, and I'm the black sheep. And that's cool, but at the end of the day my child did nothing to you and the way you look at her as if she's an actual burden and that when I call you just needing to talk and vent you put me down shows me everything I need to know about how you view me and her.

I admit, I lost it. But it felt so good. Of course, there was no answer. But I said what I said. And I don’t regret it at all. Now, this week she has called my husband twice asking to get my daughter to call and speak with her directly, which she’s never done before. I don’t know if I should just cut contact or let her have a relationship with my daughter if she chooses to do so.

I live 1500+ kilometres away from my Mom and yet that is still not enough.

Her job is sending her to a nearby city for some training and she insisted on coming to visit this Sunday.

I initially said yes when she asked last weekend, but after being filled with dread about it all week I decided to cancel yesterday (Friday). I sent a text mid-day because we were both working, she responded, everything seemed OK.

Then she called at 6pm while me and my partner were eating dinner and watching a movie. (This has been a non-stop, reoccurring issue where she only ever seems to call during dinner. I recently set a boundary with her that random calls during this time will never be answered yet she continues to do it anyways). So - I just didn’t answer and never called back before going to bed. I just knew she was going to guilt trip me and insist on me giving her a reason for canceling, so I just didn’t.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail she sent me at 5AM saying:

“Hey there good morning- I tried calling, just want to see how you are doing. I'm concerned and care. I hope you are doing ok and I want you know I love you and I'm here for you no judgement for whatever is going on. I love you and just hope you are doing ok. Love Mom”

I declined a single phone call and now there is “something going on”. I instantly was filled with dread.

For context: less than 2 years ago she swatted me (called the police and falsely reported there was a safety issue in my home, leading to gun-wielding police arriving for a “wellness check”) because my phone died and she was mad because she assumed I hung up on her. She has a history of weaponizing the police against myself and anyone else who she cannot harass herself.

So I am very worried about her e-mail and her clearly-delusional thinking that something bad is happening. It may seem genuine to a stranger, but I assure you it is not. Now I am worried that she is going to further escalate this situation. I do not live in a dangerous home or situation, and I never have, but I am so filled with dread because I know what she is like.

I falsely assumed canceling plans with her would eliminate the drama and nastiness she was no doubt going to unleash on my home during her visit - but i only just realized this morning (when I read her unhinged e-mail) that she is likely going to cause stress for me regardless.

I’m so frustrated. I just wanted a quiet weekend to crochet and catch up on some audiobooks. I initially felt proud of myself, for putting my needs first for once. Now I’m going to be dreading her next move.

I struggle pretty consistently with the intense urge to point out the N behavior in my family. I want my mom to notice when my ndad is ignoring me. (But she either won’t validate or it makes her even sadder). I want my other siblings to commiserate when my nsister is abusing me. (But they’re still in denial/trying to play peacemaker). I’m trying to work on radical acceptance, gray rocking, etc, but I can’t get past this loneliness and desire to have someone else validate my experience like, “You’re not crazy, they’re being awful to you.” Because i struggle to trust myself, and i end up believing it’s all my fault 😭

How do you handle this?? TIA ♥️

in dms

just curious because i hear a lot about those who have opioid or alcohol addictions / the stereotypical degenerate narcissistic person / deadbeat but im curious !

Cheers

ou ever achieve something and think, Wow, maybe they’ll finally be proud of me! …Only for your Nparent to either:

1. Take full credit for it.
2. Downplay it like it’s nothing.
3. Somehow twist it into a personal attack against them.

Like, I could win a Nobel Prize and my mom would be like, “Well, if it weren’t for ME, you wouldn’t even be ALIVE to win it.” 💀

What’s the wildest way your Nparent has hijacked your achievements? Let’s hear the narcissistic mental gymnastics. Pretty please?

I usually lurk on reddit. Every now and then, I make an account and post. Then every now and then I delete the account and go back to lurking. Anyway, this is more of a rant. Topic is in the title. If you don't like those, don't read any further and don't comment. I don't have time to deal with your BS.

I only respond to comments when I feel like it. I usually don't feel like it. So if you're hoping to get a response, I may just be updating the post.

I'm (30F). Have two 60+ nparents. Other nparent moved himself out years ago, after making sure he took everything he wanted. Other nparent gets $800 a month for rent (he shares a room) when I feel like giving the money.

Main nparent and brother still lives with me. We all live in New York City (along with a few million other people). Cheapest starting rent is $2000+.

Both nparents do not own homes. Every time I sign a sales contract, main nparent starts screaming and tantruming and tells me to give up the contract deposit and cancel the sale, even after she had initially said yes. For most apartment sales in NYC, you need to put down about 10% of the sales price in an escrow account held by the seller's attorney when you sign the contract to buy the apartment. Both times, my cranky, but excellent lawyer was able to get my money back when nparent had buyer's remorse.

Both nparents plus brother don't have jobs. I'm the only source of income. Wouldn't mind too much if I didn't get treated like shit. Actually never mind, even if I'm treated better, I WOULD still mind. No one wants to be a human ATM.

Nparent that lives with me is constantly telling me to take my crazy pills (only pills I take are Zyrtec and Tylenol) and constantly screams that I'm crazy. She also screams that she's the ONLY one doing EVERYTHING. The screaming is so loud that every neighbor we've ever had, either slams their doors or blasts music to drown her out. One neighbor that we've had would put out his dog and have it bark over her screaming. Good efforts, but it doesn't stop the screaming. Every time we move to a new place, she instigates fights with neighbors. We have four small speakers that blast knocking noises 24/7. She gets angry when we forget to put one of them out after recharging it.

Nparent likes to play savior and all sacrificing martyr. Yes nparent is also ultra religious and I'm going to hell. In reality, nparent has only worked one job in my known memory, at a bakery that closed down 3 months after she started. The other shops on that street had been open for decades. Nparent takes care of the groceries and cooking them into edible slop. No one is allowed to use the kitchen. If we try to cook anything, she takes over and screams and wails about how she's needed to do everything. No I don't need you taking over, I need you to go to hell and stay there until I'm done. Actually just go to hell and stay there. Besides groceries and cooking shit, nparent does nothing. I earn the money, I deal with the real estate agents, I do the Medicaid renewals, I look to see what we need and order that on Amazon.

I don't like when people tell me to "just move out." Move out where? My name is on the current lease. If I sign a new lease, my name is on that too. New York apartments are expensive. "Just move out" isn't the answer to everything. If nparents had their own home, moving out would have happened a decade ago.

Edit: I'm adding this.

In New York City, if you sign a rental lease, you're legally bound by that lease until the lease terminates, not when you move out. In this specific example (yes I asked a lawyer), me moving out and the rest of my family staying, doesn't absolve me of the legal obligation, which means that I'm still on the hook for the rent. Technically, family still living there means that I'm still using the space.

So when I talk about selling my drawings one day or starting a YouTube acc for a living my mum always tells "you can't do that for a living you won't get money and probably won't go big and the government would say that's a hobby and you'll have to get a job" but the thing is I have really bad social anxiety so that's why I want a quiet place to work but I know I will need a job soon but I don't know any quite jobs, oh and I was talking to my mum about how would I get to places since I don't really know how to work the bus and she just told me "not my problem, figure it out yourself" :(?

Telling a narcissistic parent you have boundaries is like telling a cat not to knock things off the counter.

Them: "Boundaries? I gave you LIFE."
Me: "Okay… but can you not scream at me over the way I breathe?"
Them: "So ungrateful. After everything I’ve done for you."

Like, sorry I’m not a mindless extension of your existence? Why is it such a personal attack when I politely say, "Hey, maybe don’t emotionally demolish me for sport?"

I'm in a low contact situation with my mom. We live in the same city, but I only see her once a month, when she needs to wash her clothes. She might call once every 2 weeks to vent about her life, but that's about it.

While I've been on my own, I've been slowly healing myself. I started a diet to help me eat more.( I tend to not eat when stressed, and was always and underweight kid and now adult because of it. I looked almost sickly) .I started to put on some muscle and weight and for the first time in my life, I felt confident when I looked in the mirror.

My mom has been coming over more lately, because of financial problems. Ive been her caregiver since i could talk, so of course she comes to me.Her more frequent presence seems to be reverting me back into that anxious mess I was when I was still living with her. I stopped eating and lost 10 pounds, lost some of my muscle. I'm depressed more. It's like she came and wrecked everything I built. That confidence, gone. All I hear in my head now is her voice telling me I look like a man.

On one hand, she's literally destroying me by being around. But on the other, I'm all she has left. The last person she can turn to. If i don't help her, she'll be on the streets. In the middle of winter.With these polar vortexes. I might not like her, but I still love her. I don't want her to freeze to death.

I didn’t get deodorant until I begged for it in year 6 and living in Australia in summer was actually hell on earth, but Naunt who’s also a nurse mind you, didn’t believe in chemicals 😒 She hates when I change my bed sheets because I’m “wasting” them or something. Her bed sheets haven’t been changed in 2-3 months and the last time, I changed it for her. She doesn’t use deodorant and puts avacado oil spray (for frying pans when cooking 💀) on her HAIR. And it stays like that all day under her headscarf so she’s just a steaming ball of filth all the time. When I was younger, I also didn’t know how often to shower and only did it when they screamed at me to shower once a month. They probably enjoyed it. Had to beg for shavers and got a loofa by my own will.

Has anyone else noticed this?..

In all the unpacking of my life - another symptom/ sign of my aging covert narcissist mother's behaviour, is that she doesn't fondly or positively reminisce about the past. Neither does my toxic family.

No family memories/ stories about e g. family trips, holidays, milestones or moments. Any spoken memories are used for criticism, control, or image manipulation. How horrible I was as a teen, mistakes made etc.

Can't believe I've not consciously noticed this before, but its very obvious why, now I know what my mother is. My fog was deep. To be honest, my childhood was pretty lonely so I would be surprised even if good memories were raised!

Hi! if anyone has time to read this please help me out. I have an alcoholic father who is most certainly a narc, so i always viewed my mom as the hero that saved us from him (EDIT: i forgot to mention my parents got divorced in 2017), but now she is doing the same that he did, i will list some examples:

she made me cry on my 15th birthday that I chose to spend with her because I didn't have many friends, I had made a 7-layer rainbow cake, I ate it alone in tears, I don't remember anything else.

she threw a ceramic vase at me and made me pick up the pieces by hand while I cried, telling is hould be grateful she did not throw them at me as well.

she came to open the window of my room screaming: "if you want the neighbors to hear you cry at least do it properly" "you cant even cry right"

also she always told me to cry in silence or other people will hear me and take me away from her back to my dad

her favourite thing to say is "go live with your father than" and "if you dont go away to your room, i will take your sister and sleep in a hotel, id rather lose money than see your face"

Im 18 and dont really know what to do since i cant live anywhere else, if she is not a narc how can i fix this? im open to correcting myself: im really messy and sometimes forget my appointments, also i smoke cigarettes from time to time, i forget to do the chores once a week. Can this be why she is like this? I am the best student in my class so grades dont play a role, i would prefer them to be the cause as i could study and get my mom back. I have never said anything to her so i did not provoke anything verbally. Please help me, im scared she might leave me

So I don't really know what to do and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I am actually lost.

SO, my dad is semi kind? HE acts like he generally wants to help me grow and succeed in life and actually loves me sometimes but he still shouts and yells at little things, constantly drinking, criticizing my appearance and uses physical abuse. Once I really upset my mum and they were talking about disowning e or locking me up every time I come back from school and my dad was totally on board.

My mom? I love her but she can act rough sometimes. I think my dad is a big influence but she has called me a slow killing poison and has beat me till I couldn't breathe anymore. She is usually the one who uses physical damage more than my dad.

Overall I feel uneasy and anxious around my parents. They are strict, they can access my phone at anytime, check through my belongings at any time. My dad has forgotten me countless times at school since elementary and makes excuses for it. He doesn't even apologize.

I don't want to think my parents are abusive, help?

My family is very dysfunctional. There are 4 kids. Our Mom is a severe narc.

There are a lot of relationship issues between the siblings. I don't really speak / wish to speak to 2 of my siblings. They are in denial or are enablers. The one I do get along with is difficult.. she has a harder time dealing with her issues than I do. That being said I have worked very hard to come to where I am and I have irradiated toxic, manipulate and controlling people from my life regardless of consequences to myself in order to get here (my mother included)

My sister is great when when she's not stressed out but she is anxious and stressed out a LOT. And isbof the opinion that it's ok to manipulate ans take out her anger on me because I'm her sister. When she gets stressed I'm her punch bag. And I'm getting really tired. Last time we had a long talk afterwards and she always apologizes to me, after the fact. But I am sick too, I am tired, I have no parents either. I love my sister but I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I'm afraid to say no to unreasonable requests because of fear of her reaction. (Exactly like my mom)

She is the only "sane" member of my family but I can't continue to do this We go in a cycle . Fine for a while and then she freaks out at me again and she speaks so disrespectfully to me and now she is trying to drag my partner into it. This just keeps happening. Recently I thought we had come farther after our previous discussion but now it's becoming obvious to me that she has no intention of stopping this anger cycle that keeps getting directed at me. I don't know what to do. I can't keep letting this happen. I love her but I need to have respect too.

Advice?

That’s what I’ve dubbed the cycle my narc mother puts me through.

I(23NB) have recently moved back home as of six months ago. I lived on my own for 7 years without any parents and the main reason I moved back home was because of financial reasons and a falling out with my friend. I thought coming home would be some respite from the chaos that was RoommateGate(really long story really short; me and my roommates stopped being friends lol) But NOPE. Not when you have narcissistic parents!

So, my mother(52F) was my primary caregiver, since my father (44M) was incarcerated a lot of my young life. This has given her the battlecry of “I raised you on my own with no help!” Which, objectively, is false. My paternal grandmother and my father were very active in my life (even when he was incarcerated). But she’s gotta be vindicated and she’s gotta be a martyr. Not once has my father, my grandmother, nor me denied that she’s been my primary caregiver, or even that she sacrificed a lot. The only thing anyone has ever said about it is that she needs to include their contributions as well. But nope not my narc mom, she only wants the glory for herself.

See, I turned out pretty alright. And by that I mean, I’m not an addict, I’m not a young parent, I’m not financially irresponsible, I’m not a total dumbass. I dropped outta art school, but it was only because I realized my passion wasn’t with creating art, it was studying the history of it. So naturally, my narcissistic mother wants the title of “raising the golden child”. She wants to be the one to say “I made you the way that you are, you are this person because of me”. Every single individual trait I have, even the ones I didn’t get from her, she’ll find a way to claim it as her own. Every time she switches religions, she expects me to adopt it too, even now as an adult. Even my queerness she’ll try to hijack, even though she doesn’t accept me as I am. Even down to my physical features! I look mostly like my dad, but she’ll pick and prod at my body, wanting to know deeply personal and intimate details about my body just so she can know if its “like her” or not.

So, to get back on track, as of these last six months, everything has just gone far, far, far left. While I was preparing to leave my ex friend group, she was so supportive and loving and kind just like a mother ought to be. But in hindsight, she had plenty if nasty things to say about my friends, and even admonished me for even moving in with them, which I told her don’t regret doing, but she still likes to push that it was a mistake. (For the kids on here, if you wanna move in with your buddies when you’re older, I say go for it. Just be prepared that it may not always be sunshine and rainbows). But now that I’m back home, she’s tried to cement herself as my new best friend, which can be possible, however, it can’t work if you don’t have a foundation of “I am your mother, and you are my adult child. I respect your autonomy and your freedom, and I will be here as a guide and as a friend while you experience your adulthood for the first time.” If you can’t guess already, we don’t have that foundation. Our foundation is more like “I am your mommy and I raised you to be perfect to make me look perfect and your father will never ever be as good of a parent as I am, and I will always be number one in your life, your best friend, your lover, your confidant, your everything!”

But now I’m home and, for some context, I did 2 years of therapy to heal the wounds inflicted by her and my father and I’m now at a place where I can move through life without succumbing to my anxiety and depression (shoutout to my therapist!) She has done no such therapy and believes that a quick religious conversion will absolve her of her narcissism (it won’t) and free her from her past abuse towards me (it hasn’t). Meaning, I can recognize when she’s trying to manipulate me, and more importantly, others.

It’s so bad now, that she’s even remarried and gained 5, count’em, FIVE new stepchildren, and you can bet your bum she’s been a narc to the three oldest kids, the oldest who escaped her and moved to an entirely different country at 16, the second oldest being a girl(so you know my mother views her as competition and a threat), and the third oldest who is still attached to his birth mom is naturally a disrespectful, ungrateful, abusive blah blah blah (he’s only 13 btw). The two youngest are still single digits and they call her mommy so she adores them(they stroke her ego).

I’ve called her out on the treatment of her husband’s children, and even he’s frustrated with her but I believe he feels stuck with her now. But she won’t change. Every time anyone says anything that isn’t singing her praises, she shuts down, ignores them, does no internal work to make herself a better person, and repeats the cycle. Everyone just groans and says “here we go again.” And now I’m at an age where I can just ignore her antics and let her scream into the void. I’ve stopped talking to her for 2 months because of how she treats her stepchildren and won’t listen to me when I tell her she’s repeating a cycle and because she was irresponsible and got our entire storage sold in an auction despite her husband giving her thousands of dollars to pay for her units.

She offered to go to therapy for her “peace” but I told her if she’s just gonna talk about all that she’s “done for me” and not acknowledge that she’s caused me so much hurt and pain, then I’m not interested. That caused her to spiral out of control and blow up my text inbox with texts about how she’s done her best and won’t accept that my life is “full of trauma”. I told her she’s not interested in healing, she wants me to validate her delusions and that I was no longer interested in conversation. Now I live in peace and not bothered by her wingeing and whining anymore, while she repeats the cycle. I can only hope her husband will realize that his kids don’t deserve this kind of treatment and find a way out of this situation with her.

Last night I got the news I was accepted into a PhD program. I ran down the stairs and told my mom and she went "ugh" which initially confused me. She went on to say stuff like:

"Really? You're going to live in [state] for five years?"

"That's too far away"

"You better save up your money now. No more buying makeup."

"Oh, and who is gonna pay for your apartment? Are you gonna get a job?"

"Why did you have to apply to colleges so far away?"

"Are you going to work there?"

She couldn't be happy for me, just complain and it kind of ruined the moment.

Like, keep in mind I am 27, normal intelligence, and work two jobs. This is a funded program with a stipend at a public university.

But luckily I sent a family text and my dad was so happy he ran up two flights of stairs from the basement out of breath to hug me.

This sort of thing in the past used to make me sad but now it just confirms for me that my mom is extremely personality disordered.

Edit: My mom ranted to my dad about how I’m not allowed to take my instrument or take the cat, that I have no one to sign for the apartment, that I’m delusional if I think I can live off of 40,000, that I’m annoying my dad by making him go to [state on other side of country]. Side note that my sister lives there and my dad goes there all the time for work. It’s not like I got into the University of Alaska. I drove to work crying. Before I left for work she said, “Enjoy the cats while you can.” Now I’m praying to god maybe I get into another similarly ranked school closer. I’m no longer happy about this. She just ruined it for me like she does with everything my whole life.

I've been living with my mum my whole life but everytime I talk about moving out one day she always says "you will probably will go homeless" and other stuff or how I would like to start a little business and then she would put it down. I also don't own a bank account and my school wanted to help me with it and with my driver's licence too, then I told my mum that and she said "why do you need them to help you? You aren't stupid". Then the last two years I had a hole in my back tooth and I kept complaining to my mum that it hurts really bad but she said she will take me to the dentist but she never did so I went to the school and told them I had a sore tooth but when they called my mum and told her, she yelled at me for not keeping my mouth shut.

I'm at a loss for how to deal with this so I'm posting for the first time. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, please let me know if it isn't. My brother (20s) is incredibly abusive. He has punched holes through walls and doors, broken a window, verbally abused his siblings and our parents. He also does awful and unpleasant things to upset us and create messes for us to clean (leaving trash scattered in kitchen, microwaving a frozen dinner for 30 monutes so that it exploded, not flushing the toilet and leaving some poop or pee on the seat, shaving his beard and leaving the hair all over the floor and everything on the sink, wearing his shoes inside the house after using house slippers his whole life, slamming his bedroom door when we're sleeping, playing music loudly when we're sleeping...). Most recently, he peed in the trash bin for the restroom, then peed in a cup and left it there, and tonight, pooped in the bathroom trash bin. When I woke my mom up out of shock that this happened, I told her I was going to call the police and make a report, because honestly, I didn't know what to do. I was so shocked, angry, scared, and sad that I was involuntarily shaking. She begged me not to call (trying to "protect" my brother and avoid losing face in the neighborhood if police actually came) and eventually turned the conversation into her telling me how much of a victim she was: "I can't talk to you if you're so unreasonable. Look at how scary you are, shaking and shouting at me. You're too much. I'm thinking of you and your siblings but you're blaming me for not knowing how to raise you right. You'll see when you have kids; I hope they're 10 times worse." She proceeded to blame my dad who was trying to get us to calm down and tell me to leave if I don't want to live with them... I don't know what to do or how to protect myself in this situation. I've just been getting by with sucking it up, out of fear that my brother will escalate and to avoid hearing my mom tell me I shouldn't have been born and am responsible for all facets of her suffering. I wish I had the means to leave, but even then I'd be leaving behind my dad and other siblings.

This interaction happened a year ago but I still think about it a lot.

The first 2 paragraphs involve me setting the scene for the story, so if you don’t want to read, you can skip.

I can’t remember the exact date but it was last year, my wrist was healed from crashing my wristbreaker (An ‘03 KX100, fucking beast of a bike) back in November, and I was itching to ride again. I didn’t care where, just anywhere. About an hour is a secluded mountain with tons of rocky trails and steep hills. Not an easy ride but anything to shut my brain off. Forecast said 60 degrees, carb was jetted to that temperature, so I said fuck it, packed my backpack with tools, (forgetting a spare plug and my jets) drinks, snacks, and rode around.

Well, it started snowing. Bike tires lost traction, and due to altitude and temperature changes, bike ran too rich and fouled a plug. I dropped it by accident, snapping the front brake lever, so descent was extremely tricky. After pushing it for about a mile, I found the property owner and asked him if I could leave the bike at the entrance as I didn’t want to push it some more, and I wanted to retrieve my car. He gave me the thumbs up.

After I make my way to the entrance, I start talking with the owner about bikes, trails, typical small talk. His son emerges from the cabin, and the kid starts talking my ear off with the dad, asking about my bike, what each part does, what it’s like when riding, just being a kid. I didn’t want to be cold, so I engaged in conversation. He practically sprints back inside and comes back out to show me his scooter. I can’t remember the make and model but it was high end, shocks on both wheels. He’s showing it off and his dad brags about how he put 700 miles on the scooter since his birthday. It was at this point where I started to ask myself, “wait, what the fuck? He’s not stressed at all?” Then as he was talking about how excited he was to finally start middle school with his friends while having dad in his corner, it hit me.

This kid is living the childhood I desperately wanted, an upbringing my inner child needed. Free range over a massive mountain with a dad that actually cares about him, and instills enthusiasm in starting a new chapter in his life.

I’ll admit, I felt a tinge of envy. Not proud of that. But that envy turned into…I don’t even know how to describe it. Hope that he keeps living the way he is right now. With a great dad as a role model, something I never had. I thought that not seeing my own dad as a male role model since I was 8 didn’t affect me that badly, until that moment. I never fought so hard to maintain my composure mid-conversation, but I did. I kept talking and going along, giving words of encouragement. After wrapping things up, and promising I’ll come back later (I did a month after, and no mechanical breakdowns) I just felt…sad. That I was pretty much deprived of a happy childhood. Depressed, and being verbally/emotionally abused when I was too young to understand what it was. Practically discouraged from pursuing any hobbies, and scared of the future. Yet he had the opposite. The ideal like. Now granted, no life is truly perfect, and every person has their struggles that aren’t seen. But he had a dad that had his back, and seemed to be a good role model.

After driving with the David Martinez expression all the way back home, I just felt hollow. I’m sure you understand. I’m tearing up just writing and re-reading this whole thing.

But one thing is for certain: I’m going to be a better father figure than mine was. I’ll make mistakes, and that’s an inevitability. But, if I can be a better dad, then my work is complete. But that’s not happening for another 10 years or so. Still a lot I want to do first.

Thanks for reading.

I have been wondering about this for a while and thought that it would be more useful to ask you guys here for more insight into this question.

What is the main factor that influences whether a child becomes abusive/narcissistic when brought up in an abusive, toxic, or narcissistic household?

I want to put a disclaimer that I do not identify as narcissist, before I begin to add more information about my context of the question.

I am aware that when I was younger, say 5 years old, and onwards, I had narcissistic traits: high self-importance, emotionally manipulative and immature, and other traits. I don't know why I was like that back then at those ages, although these traits weakened as I grew older.

I noticed that I was much closer to my DNA donor (male parent), but him being emotionally abusive and fluctuating between me, my sibling, and my mother, we all had fluid roles of being the scapegoat, golden child, or lost child. It's quite a chaotic, complex web of dynamics.

I believe that I am relatively self-aware, even when I was younger: I knew that something was going on within my family, but I couldn't comprehend or understand what it was at that age. I suppose that self-awareness has been a continuous trait present in my life.

I feel like, now that I'm older, I'm 'crippled' with mental health issues, struggled with purpose, identity, and many other things - swinging the opposite way to what I was like from childhood.

It makes me wonder: well, WHAT can push someone to become either or? Much like how children raised in narc homes can become a narcissist themselves, or struggle with CPTSD or other mental health issues of their own.

I know that there are (probably) more than one single factor that could play into this, and it would be an oversimplification to say that only ONE thing affects this - but I'm curious to know what you guys think?

Could it be self-awareness? Innate personality traits, that overpower the environment? Or perhaps the other way round? Is it outside influences, such as media and other people? I guess I'm almost asking, what made you, you?

Thank you for taking your time to read this, and I appreciate any comments about this!

Standing up to abuse is never easy or simple, I really wish it was simple, I know I did the right thing to protect my safety and happiness and yet I still feel guilty and like it's wrong to stand up for myself, I know that's just the trauma and conditioning but it's ridiculous to think I never mattered to my entire family, I was only 6 years old, I never deserved anything that happened to me but they always said it was my fault even though I know that's bs. I'm 31 now and just cut ties with the last of my family because it was driving me nuts, I couldn't take the abuse anymore so I just blocked them on everything, I'm angry at myself for not doing it sooner but I know I'm not supposed to blame myself, I'm supposed to heal, I'm supposed to move on, I'm supposed to get over it, but how does someone get over never being loved by their own family since they were six, there's no manual on this type of abuse, I was beat so much, I was starved, I was imprisoned in my own house, a place that was supposed to be shelter, I had no one, or if I did, it wasn't for long, my grandparents were nice but they passed away when I was in middle school, my family is so abusive and everyone is guilty of so much it's baffling that they weren't charged and got away with it, from paying off cops to lying to them, to making me lie to them or else I'd be hit more, it was so extensive.. For 18 years until I finally escaped... I've been gone about 8 years now but it's still terrifying living a life without a safety net like a family, it's so hard to comprehend what on earth made them so violent and hateful, from racist neo nazi members of my family, complacent people who did nothing to protect me and enablers who took sides, I was so alone. I know it broke things in me I'll never get back and never be able to fix. I've done a decent job putting myself, and my life back together, but I still have to live with this, I still have to accept the reality, I still have to let it go, I still have to face the truth that I never had a family from the get go, they never wanted a daughter, they wanted a punching bag, it was so bad for so long and yet I have to deal with the recovery while they're living their lives like nothing happened. I'm so angry at them but I know anger is unhealthy in excess so I'm trying to make peace with it, but I don't know if I ever mentally, emotionally and physically will.. It feels impossible, but at least I finally closed the last door, at least they can't contact and hurt me anymore.. It's still a lot to deal with though. 😣

There's alot of content out there about being catfished. This is the act of someone getting tricked by another person pretending to be someone else.

In this case, its an older father who has been tricked by 10 fake online dating profiles money.

His kids point out that these profiles are fake, but the father does not budge. He gets angry and defensive when they point this out.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!"

A team of experts is called in and they make virtually the same findings as his kids, that these are fake scammers. The difference is these experts have a longstanding history of exposing online scammers.

The father finally admits wrong doing near the end, but even when presented with concrete evidence that he has been talking to a Nigerian scammer, he says something along the lines of "Don't Care, It's My Time!".

It almost seems like he was in pain admitting his kids were right. Is there a specific phenomenon regarding aggressive behavior when forced to admit a mistake? Are there books and studies about people admitting their mistakes or miscalculations?

I ask this because this father reminds me so much of my family members. Just some sort of fear or pain or anger when having to admit fault. Of course the silver Lining is he admits he's wrong at the end.

Referenced video for context: https://youtu.be/X9GpmJbXddE?si=cIU1wrkBBeZWKsg6

Does anybody else have this?

I recently got reprimanded by a supervisor at one of my jobs. Now, I work in mental health and it's complicated who was right. I find that this guy is pretty complacent about his work and it bothers him if other people act with honesty and passion (as I try to). And so he semi disgusts me. I do also see his point of how I could have handled the situation genuinely but also keeping my own boundaries, and following protocol a little more tightly...whatever. That's against the point.

What I want to talk about is that, beyond my differing opinion, I often get mad, furious, when reprimanded because it for me it causes a huge sense of shame. For having not been perfect? I guess?

So I get this intense shame that lasts for days, but in the moment it overwhelms me, and I protect myself with rage. Just, rage that makes me pace for hours, rage where I can't sleep.

Now keep in mind the genuine part of me is also convinced he is partly wrong, and doing damage to clients, and that makes me furious.

I also see where I can improve, partly because of what he pointed out.

But the problem that bothers me is the shame rage cycle I get when criticized. I've seen it happen in other situations too, like less important ones. I have such a hard time with being criticized, which is hard because it's important for improvement.

Anyone else? I think it's because my dad was super aggrandizing and literally needed for me to be perfect, or at least act that way, or I got shamed pretty intensely.

Feeling stuck and looking for advice on setting boundaries. My mom has been showing up at my apartment uninvited despite me going no contact over a year ago. Today, she followed me from the cafe to my apartment and kept trying to hug my waist, not out of affection, but in a way that felt controlling and invasive. I tried to break free, but I ended up feeling reactive, and security didn’t intervene. He said it's not his job to to intervene family affairs.

I’ve heard about the grey rock method and am wondering how it applies when someone keeps crossing personal boundaries in ways that are hard to ignore. Any advice on how to manage this situation without feeling like I’m always reacting? How can I stay firm in my boundaries without feeling trapped?

I've already escalated this issue multiple times to management office, no action..