I had a child earlier this year. My husband and I didn’t want visitors for the first month so that we could figure things out by ourselves.

My MIL wanted to come two weeks before the birth and stay for three months. She got mad about this decision and - long story short- she called my nMom and complained about our decision.

I have occasional contact with nMom and my MIL knows my relationship with my mother is complicated.

Anyway, our marriage counselor recommended all theee of us- husband, MIL and myself sit down and talk things out. Well. It went terribly. I was remaining very calm for most of convo but I got a sharp tone with MIL when she tried to lie about calling my mom.

Now my husband is blaming me for the convo going poorly. He didn’t step in or back me up. I am going to apologize in the morning for my tone but that’s it.

MIL then basically threatened to leave our house and essentially end a relationship with us. I am being blamed all over.

I forgot to mention that I was the scapegoat growing up in a family of 5 kids I feel so broke .

Hi all. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

Lately my 4-year-old has been telling her dad to "go away." I've been trying to get her to use a different phrase such as "I need space." I think it's good for her to advocate for herself as long as it's polite.

Edited to add: I figured I'd need a specific example. This morning we were getting ready to go to school. I was helping her get dressed. It was a transition, which she is not fond of, nor does she like going to school, and as a kid with big feelings, I'm sure she was feeling them. Her dad walked in (the open door) just to say hello and she immediately yelled "GO AWAY!" which she often does when she wants to be with one parent. FWIW she says it to me, too.

Her dad doesn't entirely agree. He thinks even "I need space" makes people feel bad and therefore, should not be said. I know it's ok to hold a boundary even if someone else doesn't like it. But this seems to be a running theme with his family: you can't do something if it hurts someone else's feelings (which in most cases is understandable), but they weaponize "my feelings are hurt." For example, if Bert can't come to Ernie's birthday party at a bar, because Ernie scheduled the party on a day that Bert can't get childcare, Ernie will tell Bert that he's hurt when Bert can't come and lay the guilt on THICK.

Or if Bert's son doesn't want to give Ernie a hug and Ernie says, "well, that makes me feel bad."

My husband is a Golden Child, although the N in his family is not quite as strong as mine.

I'm having trouble explaining to him whyyyyy boundaries like this are important, why it is OK to sometimes hurt peoples' feelings, and was wondering if anyone had good resources to point to? He does occasionally listen to reason, but sometimes I have trouble finding the right words.

I'm also totally open to the idea that maybe in this specific instance he is right? He is her dad, and while I don't believe that gives him the right to do whatever he wants, I do believe in an authoritative parenting style. Plus I'm also relatively new to boundaries myself, so I'm not always certain where the line should be drawn. Any thoughts/advice appreciated. TIA!

Having a kid made me realize recently that I probably am married to a golden child. MIL treated me really well for a long time before the kid but something about this baby has made her true cooors come out and they are not pretty.

My husband doesn’t see it yet. And he told me recently that his “worst fear is for his daughter to not have a relationship with her grandma.” Really?!? That s the worst fear. I’m kind of at a loss here.

We’re in marriage counseling - have been for a while- so I’ll be bringing this up but I’m wondering if anyone in this community has ideas.

I was thinking that we agree on really firm boundaries and that if she crosses them- she cannot see the baby and that she must apologize first.

Edit: thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate the perspective so feel free to keep replying, but I see my error in focusing too much on punishment. We think he's worried about making friends, so we're gonna sit down and talk to him tonight, hear his side, establish some ground rules and do our best to help him make friends without making a fuss at school. Thank you all for your perspective, it really helps.

Okay so last year, I took guardianship of my brother and sister during a stressful and bad scenario we were all in. My brother started having problems at school around this time. It got really bad, but towards the middle of the school year his behavior started improving. Towards the end of the year though (after we got into a stable living situation) it got exponentially worse.

He had an incident where he almost got expelled, he was trying to be a "class clown" and was making comments about "beating his meat" and whatnot. The teacher tried to deal with it, but when the teacher tried getting me on the phone, he threatened to "fuck him up" if the teacher told on him to me. A lot more went on but that was the worst of it.

Anyways, he was grounded for quite some time but it didn't seem to matter. The second to last day of school he got in a fist fight and was suspended for the last day.

So then, we kept him grounded ALL summer, and he just started at a new school on tuesday. He was so excited to get his Xbox back, but he did not keep it long.

The first day at school we didn't hear of any problems. The second day we thought went fine, but we missed a text from the teacher that he was putting his hands on students and not listening, didn't know about that until yesterday, but yesterday we got a call from the school that he's telling students "the teacher picked me last just to piss me off" and yelled "fuck" really loud when the teacher was talking to him.

So no Xbox. We spent a good few hours scolding him, and the rest of the time he spent writing an apology letter and reading. He was super upset and bored all day and we really expected him to at least not cuss at school today, but alas, I got an email from the school that he's disrupting kids in the library and cussing yet again.

I'm at my wits end. This is a daily occurrence. He respects us and behaves himself at home but then he goes to school and it's like he's a completely different kid. I don't know how to correct his behavior. I've genuinely looked back into whipping him, but the science says that isn't really effective. I'm thinking about calling the non-emergency number and seeing if the cops will do a 'scared straight' type of deal with him.

He's been in therapy since last year. He has so many people working with him and trying to help him succeed, but it's like he gets to school and takes all his pent-up anger out on everyone there.

If he keeps this up he will certainly get expelled this year, so I'm trying to find a way to get him off this path, but nothing seems to work and I really don't know what to do...

What the title says. I was raised by a narc mom and an enabling/passive/absent dad who also has narc tendencies.

Becoming a mother has been the greatest and most beautiful joy of my life. I will do everything I can to do right by my daughter and my husband and I are doing a really good job so far in being very mindful about how we raise her. I think it shows, too. She is super happy, a great communicator and I am not sure how else to describe how well adjusted she seems to be other than she is really reasonable 95% of the time (saying a lot for a 2.5 year old). She feels safe being angry, sad, mad, frustrated and we make room for her emotions and talk about them.

I want us to have a good relationship but I am mindful of avoiding any possessiveness or manipulation to try to force it. At every decision point I try to go for what is best for her independence, self esteem, and flourishing self growth and acceptance. I try to let her take the lead on any and all interests, and see my job as trying to be a kind, thoughtful voice that I know could potentially become her own inner voice - and I don’t want it to be an inner critic like my own mother’s echoing in my head. I try not to be possessive and have been intentional about teaching her how to make and enforce boundaries and that it is okay to say no and others should respect it. I don’t push her to do things she doesn’t want to (except diaper changes and handwashing) and I echo what she says, work hard to validate, and explain things back. All this to say I’m trying really hard and I think I’m doing a good job, but I’m also mindful of how narcs often “have no idea what went wrong” and “did everything they could”.

Anyways, the struggle I’m going through is feeling left out. My daughter looks exactly like my husband. She favors him and has for a long time. I’m often the one who takes the time to understand her and give room for her feelings, but she often prefers him. She said dada first, and the few times she has gone through clingy phases have all been with him. I do bedtime every night, and we read (she literally always wants to), sing (if she wants), and talk about what we’re grateful for (if she wants) and talk about her day (if she wants).

Tonight she wanted me to leave and said she wanted daddy. This is following a long streak of clinginess to him after a vacation where he was trying to do everything so that I wouldn’t get overwhelmed (we were staying with his in-laws in close quarters). I didn’t know that he was doing this intentionally to save me from stressing, and instead it left me feeling confused and really distanced from both of them. On nights and weekends we always split things 50/50 (every other diaper change, for example) and he does naps while I do bedtimes. On this trip, however, he was taking all the tantrums, meals, diaper changes, and nap times and even when I pushed to do them, he would insist I relax. I didn’t realize it until the fourth day, but I was really missing a lot of the connection you get during those quick tasks. I was feeling like an outsider, and as the trip went on, she veered further towards preferring only him. After the trip we chatted because I really started to feel like I was my daughter’s aunt instead of her mom, and that is when we realized we were on different pages. That was about two weeks ago, though, and it feels like her strong preference for him hasn’t passed.

It just, it breaks my heart. I feel like I am an orphan with no solid ties to my family of origin. No one in the world who loves me unconditionally in the way I love my daughter, and I feel like I’m not good enough for her. Like she can see through me and like she knows what my mom knew - that I’m not worthy of love. I feel like I’m on the sidelines in my own family, and I don’t hold it against my daughter. I’m still going to try my hardest everything single day. But I’m just so sad.

...before my first child was even born. Yes, apparently they can do that here (NL).

Why you ask? Well I'd like to fucking know that too. So I asked, and asked, and asked, and asked. Today we had the final conversation with the person who reported me and I asked again. WHY? Well apparently, because my physical health is too bad, and because of my own childhood I wouldn't be able to bond with baby, and both those things together would make me neglect the baby. I have a healthy marriage with a healthy husband, who took 3 months off to be an active full time father by the way. And I bonded with my dogs more than my so called parents ever did with me. But nah I'm too broken to know what love is. She is still adamant she did the right thing. Even though CPS cleared us within weeks of baby actually being born and despite the heaps of social workers we've seen that all approve of our care. Oh, and baby is healthy, thriving, growing even better than average at 2m/o!

I did everything, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I could think of before I got pregnant. I married a nice, kind, respectful dude. Built a happy and healthy and financially stable home with him for 9 years. Got a dog as a "practice baby". Got as much therapy as I could, 12 years of it before we even started TTC. Got as physically healthy as I could. Had my meds cleared by not 1, not 2, but 3 psychiatrists. Still got a 4th psychiatrist affiliated with the hospital I wanted to deliver in to monitor me during pregnancy. Waited until husband had a good job. Raised a 2nd puppy. Saved up a stack of cash. Got alllll of the insurance. Got away from our agressive drug addict illegal sex worker former neighbour and bought a house near the inlaws (in this economy???? still not quite sure how we did that). We both didn't drink a drop of alcohol even while TTC, which took 2,5 years. I stopped all coffee and unnecessary meds and lunch meat and whatever else the second I got pregnant. Took my vitamins. Followed a strict healthy diet. Went to all my doctors and midwives appointments. Got a whole baby room set up (even though we moved house at 20 weeks and I had a 1000 other things to do). Read the books. Went to baby classes and birthing classes.

And when I finally, FINALLY, got a little room to breathe. When I had the house set up and all my ducks in a row. When I stopped fearing so much that this baby was going to die inside me like the last two. When I finally started to have a little faith this was really going to happen. When I bought a romper that said "happy" on it and a stuffed dog toy for the baby. I got reported to CPS. She stole my last trimester from me.

I asked her what this meant, what was going to happen. "It's just to make it easier to arrange help if you need it". What does that mean? What help? Who decides what I need? When is it decided? How is it decided? Why CPS specifically? What are you so afraid is going to happen? She said today that she answered all my questions, but she sure the fuck didn't. I told her I couldn't even look at the baby's room for weeks without crying, how is that helping me? "It's a shame you took it that way." she said "I stand by my decision." Even though all the professionals we talked to implied it was unnecessary? She implied we were lucky to have an easy baby, and things would've been different otherwise.
This was the 3rd time I felt discriminated against in my pregnancy, and I told her about number 1 ("the government isn't going to raise your baby" because I'm on disability, from the government worker who arranges my disability aid) and 2 ("you're going to sleep while the baby starves" because I have chronic fatigue, from a mental health nurse) when we first met. And she became number 3 anyway. Way to destroy my faith in the system.

And you know what's just the cherry on the shit sundae? When we needed help, like when baby was several weeks old and my husband accidentally triggered my PTSD and we had a horrible fight about it at 3am because we were both exhausted and baby wouldn't settle down? I was terrified, TERRIFIED to ask for help. TERRIFIED these people would find out. TERRIFIED they would take my baby away. (we're doing ok now btw, it was just a low point, we talked it out over several days and got some much needed sleep)

Just because my progenitors were shit parents, I must be too right? No one ever called CPS on those mfers, but I clearly deserve it, before I've even had the baby! More than a decade of therapy to prevent this exact scenario clearly isn't enough. Oh and my husband was clearly invisible or something in the talks we had with this lady. My baby has 2 loving parents, fuck you very much! Thanks for ruining my joy I guess. Glad you saved my baby from the terrible fate of *checks notes* the worst thing in her life being having to wait for a bottle for 3 whole minutes sometimes.

Oh and now that I have everyones attention: my baby is the best baby. Contest over. ;)

My daughter is almost 4 and has recently really bonded with a girl from her playgroup. They play really well together and I’m so happy for her because she has struggled with warming up to people up until a couple of months ago. I’ve had a couple of playdates with her friend, her mother and her little brother who is the same age as my son. It all seemed perfect but very quickly I noticed that this mother doesn’t share my parenting values (I do attachment/gentle parenting). I tried to just shrug it off and told myself that not everyone has to parent as I do. But the more I saw the worse it got. She shames her kid for her emotions, threatens her every time she has big feelings and worst of all she tries to pull other people into it as well. Her kid had a meltdown and she said „Look, [my daughter‘s name] doesn’t like it when you cry“ even though my daughter did nothing to indicate that. She also tried to make me gaslight her kid about juice (sounds as ridiculous as it is). The juice was right there on the table and the kid wanted some. Then her mom said „OP doesn’t have any juice“ and looked at me expectantly. She also doesn’t comfort her kid when she falls and gets hurt, instead she just says she should get back up and dust herself off. The last straw was when her daughter made a picture for me and she said something nasty about it when she was out of earshot. It’s sickening to me. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and suffer from CPTSD. We’ve been no contact for over 3 years. This person triggers me and I feel so sorry for her poor little daughter. I don’t want anything to do with her but her kid is the only friend my daughter has. How can I ruin that for my daughter?! I also don’t know how to get out of the play dates. How am I going to handle this?!?

She was with a friend watching some students do a dance performance. They are 11. I wasn’t in the room at the time.

After the dance she came to tell me she wanted to go home because a parent yelled at her. She had tears in her eyes. I asked what happened. She said one of the students pulled the teacher to the front after the dance take a bow. My daughter said to her friend something like “(Stacy) is pushing the teacher out there lol.” Then it turned out (stacys) mom was standing right next to them and scolded her for making fun of her daughter. That’s all the detail she would give me. I told her what she said doesn’t really sound rude to me…

So I took them outside to the playground. Some older girls came onto the playground goofing around. One of them fell off, they were giggling.

My daughters friend whispered in daughters ear something about the older girl falling. My daughter responded “I hope her phone broke.”

I tried asking her do they not like those girls or something? She said “we don’t even know them.”

I don’t want her to talk about people like that, It sounded rude to me. The older girls were like 10 ft away from us, so watching them and whispering and saying something rude could easily have been noticed and offended them.

It made me think whatever she said at the dance performance must have sounded really rude for the parent to react like that. I tried asking her about it but she got very defensive and won’t talk about it. She’s extremely sensitive to any perceived criticism, so it’s really hard to talk about this stuff with her. She will cry and yell and storm off if she feels criticized.

I want to tell her that talking about people like that hurts peoples feelings. But I want to do it in a way that she will actually absorb, and not feel attacked.

I want to know more about what she said the first time, but I know I shouldn’t pry, she hates that. So I should probably just stick to commenting on what I saw on the playground. I feel like I can’t say anything the right way when talking to her lately.

I always feel like I’m being too hard on her and too permissive at the same time. Other classmates punch each other and stuff, and here I am getting on her about a little comment I’m sure other kids are making all the time…

my school relays on devices my parents just watch and scolded me and they never even support me im a working student now i cant continue my school because i cant uae my phone properly

I was brushing my daughter’s hair the other night and snagged a tangle. I always apologize when it hurts brushing her hair and say, “I’m trying really hard to be gentle and not hurt you, but I know sometimes it does hurt and I’m sorry for that.” Usually this is met with squirming or complaining, but this time she said (like it’s the most obvious thing in the world), “I know. No parent ever wants to hurt their child.”

I nearly started sobbing right then and there. I’ve created a home for my children where they feel unquestioningly safe - so safe they can’t even conceive of any parent hurting their child on purpose. There was no point in my childhood where I ever believed that, but I am able to give that security to my children. You would think that would make me happy, and it does, but mostly it hurts so much. I just wanted to share with people who would understand why. I wish I could go back to myself as a little girl and give her the same.

Wondering where you look for good camps for kids (spring break/summer). I'm in Western Canada. Any ideas?

Apologies if I have formatted this post incorrectly. This is my first time seeking support from this Subreddit.

I had grown up in two narcissistic households, and finally made my escape when I entered college. I was NC for two decades, and was finally able to begin to heal some of the damage from my youth.

I had a child who is now elementary school age, and at their birth, it seemed that there was a genuine desire for reconciliation from the NC family. It seemed like things were different. I realize now how ill-advised this was, but I have not been able to figure out how to move past the desire to have a parent who loved and cared for me. I am a solo parent - they offered support, and I caved.

My child adores these family members. But the mask has slipped, and they are turning their N-behaviors towards him. He doesn't recognize it yet - he is good-natured and wouldn't understand why or how they are hurting me, or him. These family members swing between being fun and loving to making cutting remarks and falling into a violent rage. I have no intention of letting them hurt him like they hurt me. I think it is important that I begin to reduce the time he spends with them, but I have no idea how to do this without hurting and confusing him. He thinks these family members love him, but I am not comfortable with their version of "love."

Does anyone here have any experience with helping a young child navigate transitioning to NC?

Hello Reddit

I adopted an abused child and I’m helping him be happy again, but sometimes he does bad things like violating rules or breaking stuff, but I’m scared to become angry at him because it might make him have flashbacks to his old family, do you have any tips on what I should do if I’m angry at him?

Exactly what is says. I do try to be a good parent and to be patient but I seem to not be able to control myself at times and it scares me. I’m always responsible for my behavior but the trouble is I have a medical condition that…makes it so that I experience dramatic changes with chemical exposures. Like dramatic. And unfortunate my kids have it too. Multiple chemical sensitivity. We also all have a mold illness so a lot of uncertainty and stress. We accidentally bought ikea shelving for kids room it says low VOC’s but. We’re all SO sensitive to VOC’s because of the previous mold exposure. VOC’s give me: heart palpitations, extreme brain fog/feeling of my brain being in a blender, extreme irritability, anxiety, depression, extreme fatigue. And it comes on suddenly. Mold does the same thing to our whole family. So basically we all become dysregulated and experience significant symptoms of neuro psychiatric illness with environmental exposures to chemicals and mold. Our kids (6 year old twins) have been wild since we got the shelving. Anytime they go into their room they emerge angry saying they hate us, one of them tries running away over a potion bottle she couldn’t find. It was so scary I had to run and find her. And I should know better I understand that they’re experiencing neuro inflammation he used I am too so I should have empathy and I do to a point. After a week of non stop meltdowns and tantrums I lost it with the kid I was talking about. Told her it was unpleasant to be around her and that I was exhausted. My mom used to do stuff like this to me. And I realize it’s genetic so it’s likely my parents have this genetic defect (I can’t detox biotoxins like mold my body doesn’t make antibodies my doctor tested me it caused crazy health problems for all of us) and it’s likely that they acted mean and crazy because of the same condition. It’s hard to imagine unless you experience it. My chronic fatigue has worsened and I just feel like I’m failing my kids and watching history repeat itself. I always apologize to my kids if I ever do or say something that was unkind or unfair which is more than my parents did but still it’s not ok. And I can’t control my environment or how I feel. Or how my kids feel and act. If we lived in a pristine environment we don’t have any major issues. Like when no one is exposed everyone acts fine sure kids can be wild challenging behavior is normal but they can’t be reasoned with all when they’re reacting. I find it so hard to properly parent when my higher brain is hijacked ask inflamed. This isn’t a normal thing many other people experience and I just feel isolated and like the worst person in the world. There is no cure for mcs and I worry about our kids future. The last thing they need is an impatient mom saying mean things to them when they’re struggling and don’t understand their condition. I meditate I do therapy our kids meditate in school they probably need therapy too. But they’re kids they aren’t the problem. I am. I wanted to break the cycle so bad and sometimes I think I can or will but this past week has been a total shitshow. I’m failing them and they deserve better. If my mom could see this (we don’t talk) she would absolutely gloat. I’m proud of everyone who did break the cycle. I wish it could have been me.

UPDATE I decided to just ask my husband if he can support me and respect my wishes, even if he disagrees with me. He agreed. He's not going to be in contact with them anymore. I don't think I'm going to change his mind, so I'm going to stop trying. I've asked him to stop trying to change my mind, too. I'm hoping we can just move forward without my parents in my life.

I have been NC from my parents for about 6 months now, and it's honestly been great. I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue it, but my nDad reached out to my husband to ask if they could still see our son. I am obviously uncomfortable with that and angry that he reached out at all. (This man could not stop giving excuses for his abusive behavior during family therapy and didn't even bother to show up for the last session!) My husband feels that we can't sheild our son (3 yo) from everything that is bad and it would be better to expose him to my parents when we can be there to counter their influence. He thinks our son will reach out to them when he is an adult to try to form a relationship anyway. I am considering giving my husband two options: 1) he can have whatever relationship he wants with my parents as long as he leaves our child and me out of it 2) if he insists on maintaining our son's relationship with my parents, he needs to learn about NPD, the specific tactics my nDad usues to abuse me, the abuse cycle, etc.

What resources would you suggest to educate someone about emotional abuse and what to look for?

She shouldn't have even had our address but came over, knocked, sat in her car, went back to the door repeatedly to slip notes through the mail slot.

I wasn't home but my husband pulled my kid away from the door (they like to answer it) and went in the backyard with them. My husband was super shaken up.

She didn't leave for 20 minutes, not till I texted her to not come back.

My husband and I were too shaken to think about how we should have talked to my kid. They have never mentioned it until today. They had lots of questions and it clearly bothered them. They've been super anxious lately too.

F you mom.

I found out recently that my 7 y/o step daughter’s birthday was cancelled by her mom. I don’t know the details as to why, I think her reason had something to do w/ kids in her class traveling for vacation. Her birthday is June 20th, and I want to do something really special for her but not sure what to plan/what to do, since I don’t know any kids her age (or around her age) to invite to the party. She goes to school in a neighboring town where her father and I just relocated, and we don’t have many friends/much of a community here yet. I don’t know any of her classmates/their parents to reach out and invite her friends. She is an only child so she won’t have siblings to play with.

We were thinking maybe to just go to a local water park, planning to get some cake, decorations etc. but I wish there was more I could do. She makes friends easily and I think what would make her really happy is to have kids around to play with.

Any/all recs for how to make this day special for her are welcomed. I’m new to being a step mom and don’t have children of my own, so this is new territory. Maybe this isn’t the best place to post this (recommendations about better places to post also welcomed)

Thank you all 🙏🤍

“Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day. I just wanted to say this to you, look into your child's eyes and imagine a day when your child wants absolutely nothing to do with you and you don't know why. I don't even know my grandchild's name, that's really messed up. Just wanted you to think about that. I love you very much”

Goes without saying I’ve told him about a million fucking times why I am NC with him. I’ve spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy making sure he can’t get under my skin but this one is living rent free in my head for some reason. Really fighting the urge to text him back and tell him off.

I think I like the show so much because it fills a small piece of my heart that was left empty when I was a kid. I was watching with my kids this morning, and I had watched 2 episodes by myself before I realized they had left the room. I started crying during the episode where Chili is trying to make sure her dad gets rest after his heart surgery. They’re sitting on the dock at the end and he says he remembers taking her there as a kid. I don’t feel like I have any happy memories like that. Can anyone else relate?

My son is going through his first interpersonal struggles. He’s young (6), but there is some exclusion of my son because another kid is jealous of his relationship with another kid. I can see it’s happening and I want to rescue him from it but I also, want to help him through it independently. I have no idea how to start… do I let my son come to me? My husband thinks I should just leave it as he has to learn not everyone will be friends.

I have literally no one to ask about healthy parenting. I can ask people in my life but they are not who I model my parenting style after.

I’d say a lot of my abuse as a child surrounded schooling. Why didn’t I get a better mark? How did I make a careless mistake? How come lil Susie got a better mark than you? Asking me to answer questions that I didn’t have the answer to. If my response wasn’t satisfactory they would argue me on it until I said whatever it is they wanted me to say.

I apparently tested as gifted but wasn’t living up to my potential or lazy. They get into a fight with my school about my gifted status and expected me to have some sort of special extra schooling. Apparently the school didn’t budge and they pulled me from the school and put me one a 10 min car ride away. Apparently it was the best.. had a great gifted program ( which I wasn’t in) and the next year it was cancelled. Might be a coincidence?

Anyways, you can imagine what life was like. I’m struggling with my kid at this age where my abuse was so bad. It’s bringing up a lot. Does anyone know what I mean?

I have a looooong way to go in terms of learning to be a good parent that will help my child turn into a well-rounded adult.

These are some healthy parenting things I've learned:

-It's okay for your child to make mistakes. Don't punish them for messing up. In fact, make it a learning moment to show that everyone messes up sometimes.

-Apologize to your child. If you've done something wrong, own up to it.

-NEVER hit your child.

-Do not slam doors or break things. Especially don't break the child's things.

-Yelling is unnecessary. Communication is what is important. Even young children can benefit from attempts at communication.

-Don't take down the child's bedroom door. Make sure your child knows you value and respect their privacy.

-Don't don't don't read through their diaries.

-Treat all of their items with respect.

-Don't do the "silent treatment."

-Let your child express their feelings. Especially anger. It's okay for your child to be angry at you. Let them tell you all about it. Stay calm while they do. Validate their feelings. Then after things have calmed down, try to figure out a solution. Sometimes a simple apology on your end can go a long way.

-Treat ALL of their feelings as valid. Do not shut them up. I have found, setting aside time to talk about feelings (I have a young daughter) can be healing and beneficial.

-Make sure they know you are proud of them.

-Don't make harsh judgements like jumping straight to "they are being manipulative."

-THEY DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING. You putting a roof over their head, a bed to sleep on, clothes, and food are the bare minimum of being a parent. YOU chose to bring them into this world. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO OWES THEM.

-When they tell you something, believe them. Trust goes a long way.

Those are what I could think of for now.

Please add more as I like to learn anything possible on how to be a better parent.

I'm sorry for yet another post within minutes!

I have just been thinking about things a lot since what I wrote in my last post, and how I am for the first time realizing I don't know all the healthy ways to parent.

I have been in therapy for many years so things have gotten a lot better, but there are many things I just don't know.

My deep seated fear is my daughter will grow up and NC me. I know it's irrational, but at the very least I want to make sure her childhood memories are mostly filled with good things and feelings of safety and love from me.

I'm just so terrified of passing my trauma/mental problems onto her.

Please any book recommendations on how to parent when the parent went through childhood abuse. Anything that can help me realize all the healthy ways of parenting.

I would be beyond grateful for you to post anything similar to that.

Due to nparents, especially nmom, I learned that it ONLY mattered what they think, and that what I thought about myself didn't matter.

Eventually, I completely lost the ability to be able to validate my own thoughts and feelings, and it turned into my self-esteem relying 100% on what my nparents decided to call me that day. (Most days terrible, nasty, downright evil things about me. I internalized all of it.)

Thanks to many years of therapy, I can validate my own feelings now.

But somehow, I can't figure out how to teach that to my little girl.

She has begun focusing on what other people think of her. What others comment about her (especially peers), that's how she sees herself.

She is starting child therapy soon. So I do have hope that will help.

But is there anything I can do in the meantime? It breaks my heart to see her come home from school and saying things like "so-and-so called me stupid, ugly,a baby"... (yes I'm dealing with the principle about this bullying.)

I wish I knew how to help her but all I know how to do is comfort her. Which I know she needs in the moment, but ultimately doesn't teach her anything.

I'm still in tears over what a hard night this has been but I did not hurt my children. I solo parented a 1 yr old with a fever and an almost-3 who is potty training, pushing boundaries, and didn't nap - and I did not hurt them. I was spit at, kicked, hit, pushed over (squatting - my mistake)" accidentally headbutted hard enough to cause nausea - but I didn't hit back. I yelled and burst into tears, I set each kid in their chair, I held kicking feet still - and I was careful to mind my strength. When I apologised for shouting and toddler didn't respond I didn't force it to make myself feel better. When I had enough I walked away (leaving toddler in safe space for 2 mins) to take a breath and called my husband.

I'm not proud of every moment this evening. I'm not winning any mom awards today. My house is a disaster (right down to the puddle of pee on my bathroom floor). But I did not lay a hand on my children out of anger and I still feel awful because I could have. But I didn't and I'm trying really hard to focus on that part.

I just really needed to say all that to someone who might understand. Thanks for reading!