Seriously? My therapist is a GOOD therapist, and she told me to call my abusers abusers (I had other names for them), but then she turns around and goes "all people have some good in them, but this person maybe just didn't for you", like, is this the moment to play devil's advocate, ma'am !?

It feels so victim-blamey, like I just wasn't worth their good showing through. Like it's my fault that I only saw their hateful side. I don't know, maybe I'm just frustrated that we live in a world that seems absolutely filled with harsh and cold interactions yet so Pollyanna-Disney-y about actually acknowledging abuse. Suck it up or ignore seem to be the maxims of the day and age, and I just can't and won't do it?

And, maybe, *whispers* not all people have something good in them?

Hi all!

So, it's finally happened: My stepsister is going NC with our abusive father (diagnosed with NPD in 2011).

For background info, I have been NC with him for the past two years. I held several roles for him, scapegoat, emotional punching bag, replacement wife and psychologist / mother figure. My stepsister was the golden child in our family, but, since I was out of the picture, unavailable for his hate messages, he started berating her on the phone, calling her stupid and telling her that her young business failing was her own fault and because she didn't let him run it. My golden child-sister, who never suffered this kind of abuse, finally snapped and had enough of the daily hate speeches and told him to stuff it. She has two daughters (my lovely nieces) and she says she doesn't want them to have any contact either. She is currently VLC and explaining to the kids what's happening.

When she told me, I was very happy for her that she was able to step away from the toxic. I believe she still has a ways to go because she still sees my stepmother as blameless, taking her (my stepmother's) frantic phone calls every other night at around 10 or 11 about her abusive partner. I've told her it's unhealthy but she needs to make her own way, and I'm so happy and proud to see her make those steps. At the same time, I feel validated, because no matter how much therapy I go through and how hardened my resolve is, a teeny tiny part of me keeps doubting. Was it really that bad? Am I overreacting? But no, a 61-year old man calling his adult daughter and instead of offering help and sympathy over her business going bust CALLING HER STUPID is just completely off the hinges.

BUT. Now it's only my stepbrother and my halfbrother who are left. The former is 37, the latter is 17. I hate to admit it, but I pity the old man. He is becoming lonely. It's his own fault, but also the fault of his abuser, my grandfather. I pity him. I hope this is part of my healing, because I can pity him and stay tf away from him at the same time, right? I just wonder why I pity him instead of me. Another Christmas is coming up without me having loving parents to spend the holidays with. I would've liked the type of parent I could go to a Christmas market with and have some gluhwein together, telling fun stories from our shared past. I should be grieving those parents instead of the monster who told me men only wanted me for my body, not my face or my personality. Who says something like that to their daughter?

I am also a tad annoyed at my sister. She now told me that she won't attend any family functions where my father was going to be party. When she got married though and I requested the same thing, she did say I wouldn't have to see my father, but of course we were seated in close proximity to each other. I'm glad she's found her boundaries, but I'm angered it was so easy for her to ignore mine. I've always felt like a second-class person in my nuclear and in my father's family, like I've always had to apologize for even existing, and that resentmentment is bubbling up again.

I hope I can hold more sympathy for myself these days. Any well-meaning thoughts and perspectives are welcome :). Maybe you have experienced something similar or have a kid word to spare for a fellow survivor? Thanks in advance!

I’ve taken a leave of absence because it became unbearable. I could no longer function, focus, find the energy to make it through a workday.

And now I’m told that I can’t transfer to another location.

Where can I go to learn my rights and get protections?

What do people do if this happens?

So my N died, and Nsis made that very difficult. Asked my eFather (n's ex) for support and - oh wow. It was my fault for asking, it wasn't for him to get involved, I didn't care about the N anyway. All sorts.

Since then, there's been a number of rows. I've always been close to my dad, I never really thought of him as an enabler, more a victim as well. But since N passed and Nsis went bad (bad), and I've asked him why he didn't help, it's been really vicious. And the upshot of it seems to be that when I told him what life was like with the N, he interpreted that as a reason to assume, in the context of later interactions I had with the N, I'd taken offence or hurt when none was meant. In short, he'd taken the abuse and used it as an excuse to assume that further accounts of abuse were exaggerated.

I don't know what to do. This was my parent. My support. My confidant. My heart is broken, I feel so humiliated, so betrayed, and so angry. And my anger has made me behave in an abusive fashion, (not physically, just a lot of yelling, swearing and some nasty comments). So I hate that.

But so much more I hate that I have spent years trying to fix myself in order to be worthy of the support and love I so desperately craved. It's the healthiest of all my coping mechanisms. And now I feel like - what's the point? No matter how perfect you were, it was always going to be the same.

I can think of no clearer way of exemplifying what I'm saying than this. One day N, Nsis and I had a row, but this time it was Nsis and I disagreeing with N. When I told my dad about it he said I had been looking for a fight with mum, and it was my fault. I wrote about this in my diary, because I was so frustrated. The next day, dad, Nsis and I were having coffee and Nsis told him about the same incident, and he sympathised wholly with her, criticised Mum, and said how awful her behaviour was. I wrote about that in my diary as well. When I was trying to understand the double standard in the context of mum's death a couple of years later, I showed him the pages of the diary and said "look dad, I'm not making this up, this happens a lot and it just so happens I wrote it down on this particular occasion." He has never acknowledged it, and if I ever bring it up he criticises me for having written about it in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I feel like maybe I was always the problem, and I should have been more grateful for dad's attempts to humour me. That's certainly what the rest of my immediate family think. And then on the other hand I'm so angry because it was real and it was horrible and I've been gaslit for two decades about that, and even gaslit about the gaslighting.

I'm nearly 40 years old, and every bit of progress I have made over the last decade or two has been taken away from me. I'm back to asking if I was really abused or if I just made it up.

​

And because she felt she needed to keep that unattractive truth from being exposed, she continues to stay estranged and continues to find new punishments to prevent me from redeeming myself to other family members.

My siblings and dad get in trouble when my mother learns they've contacted me or been nice to me. She gets angry and withholds affection and attention.

And now, she has informed my adult children that they are no longer in good standing with her.

Every year she takes away more and more of any sense that I belong to anyone in my primary family.

If you think that my version is not credible, consider that it is exactly the position that nparents want you to be in. They get angry about things that make no sense, they can take advantage of you in your disregulated state and they jockey into the position of the victim. And that, dear friends, is gaslighting.

My mother has never elaborated what she was actually angry about. In her initial message, she mentioned some mild lapses in manners from long ago. Other people explained that I had no part of them. But she said she was done with me. She ranted for a week. She got me so rattled, confused, angry, and dysregulated, that I cried until I was utterly spent. With a week before the vacation, I was in no mood to spend a week with her. So, I texted to tell her that I wouldn’t be going to the beach with them. In a split second she responded that it was ok. She understood.

After that, all of the mean messages stopped. Just like that.

Still, I was so brainwashed by her, always second guessing myself, that it took me years to figure out what had actually happened to make her come after me and finally “cut me out” as she had always threatened. But I was confused as to why she would break her own rules and cut me out when I hadn't actually been bad. I was in my 50’s and still scared of what she could do to me.

But now, we’re 6 years later and she hasn’t softened even a little bit. She doesn't include me in family communication, doesn't respond to me if I need to know something, but she contacts me when she wants to brag or feels the need to “poke” me with insults.

And gradually she continues to find more and more things to take away from me.

She is denying me access to more and more relatives. She withholds attention and affection and snaps at my siblings, Dad, nieces and nephews, if they’re caught contacting me or being courteous. They were too afraid to help me or explain what was going on. Two of them contacted me and said, “We’re so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in your position, but there’s just nothing that can be done. She’s made up her mind and there’s nothing that you can do to change her.”

I continue to be astonished at her ability to sway others to do her bidding. It is really ingenious manipulation. She makes herself indispensable in their lives, then threatens to take it all away if they are not completely loyal to her.

I’d seen this pattern before. When I was little, she “cut out” her brother and only sibling. And next came his wife and children. And I was supposed to follow suit, avoid them and be angry. And I never understood what they had done or why I was supposed to be angry at them. But I assumed it must have been something really bad, or else why would she behave that way. Now I know better.

And so, as I predicted, now she is starting to ostracize my grown children, her first 3 grandchildren.

I was watching a news show that talked about the value of relationships between grandparents and adult grandchildren. I was feeling brave, and I sent her the clip.

She responded, “You have 2 nice boys (I have 3 sons and 2 step-children). I reach out to them every now and then.” As far as I can tell, 1 of my sons forgot to send a birthday card to my Dad after she had asked me to have them all send one. And she thinks my stepchildren are weird, although she never tried to get to know them. And I think that her brother’s sin was being weird.

Who advertises that they treat their grandchildren with different levels of care and regard?!

In any case, is there any better way to stab a person in the heart than to insult their children?

I am the natural scapegoat as the first child, before she was ready to be a mother.

And apparently, I picked the wrong father! Think about that one for a minute.

And I moved away from her neighborhood... out of state.

And I ask questions and tell her when she hurts me.

And this is why I don't deserve to have a mother who loves me. Funny, I thought that I would have to have committed a terrible crime, like murder, or bank robbery, or perhaps embarrass myself on a reality show.... wait, she might have been proud of that last one.

Does anyone else have similar stories?

If you met this woman, you’d think she was a pillar of her community. And now she’s made me afraid to even visit my hometown, fearing the lies that she may have told about me.

My profession has a convention there this fall. I’m considering going, although I’d probably have to get a hotel. And I’m wondering if I should even contact any of my family.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Cross-post from raisedbynarcissists

Hey, just wanted to make a post cause I'm rethinking everything and I'm not sure what to do. So I last saw my nmother 8 months ago and I haven't reached out or contacted her since. We had a big argument which led to me getting kicked out of my last place and was sleeping on a friends sofa for a month. She's been trying to contact me on two separate instagram accounts, my personal and a one for poetry, from an account she made for her dog. I was involved recently with something that got a bit of media attention and she contacted the social media pages surrounding it saying she was proud of me and it went well.
She hasn't been supportive of me before and at times said what I'm doing is for attention. She often tried to provoke me into an debate because she thought it was funny. I've always felt like her support for me was to make her look good rather than because she's actually proud of me. She often called my achievements her achievements as well because she was the only one who raised me and my younger sibling.
Is this what a narcissist does or is she genuinely trying to support me? I feel guilty for not responding to her but I just don't want to talk to her or have a relationship with her. Is it too far to say she's abusive?

Trying to clean up that identity of "not good enough" and "what is the point" and "i am a failure'.

It persists despite successes, evidence to contrary, positive feedback from others.

Can't see own successes, strengths, self sabotage, enormous effort pushing upstream against the current so to speak.

Lots of progress, lots of reprogramming beliefs and transformation... Yet this thing is like an anchor.

When you think you are fine, confident etc and all around is evidence of success, the old negstivity comes creeping back in. Insidiously eroding self belief

It is a battle... Managed with progress willpower exercise affirmations etc etc

How does one create an identity of "self belief, of unstoppable, of I can " and have it stick?

Why so much self doubt despite do much progress.

Does it get easier. Have my good periods, but this comes back.

Talked to my nmom last week and brought up some pretty terrible things she told me in the past. When I was done trying to say what she did, and then how I felt about it, her first response was that none of it happened and I made it up.

Does anyone know if this is an actual brain function or more like a self-defense thing where they just pretend those things didn’t happen?

I live in Ontario and am thinking about moving to New Brunswick. It is probably only a pipe dream and may not happen. I've found moving to the East Coast appealing because it's a lot cheaper there. It's very expensive to live in Ontario or Quebec. It's expensive in BC as well. I love all of these provinces and would continue to live in Ontario my home province, or move either to Quebec or BC if I could, but I am not financially capable of that. I live on disability financial support for autism and severe anxiety, so my options are limited. I have learned it is possible to move provinces with a disability, but I have no idea where I would go, or what kind of home I could move into that would feel safe. I kind of wish I had the strength to just say fck it to all of this, and go live in the wilderness in an isolated cabin or cottage off of my own resources. I have found that moving to a trailer home in NB might be appealing as the communities there are all pretty chill people. Living in an apartment makes me nervous because I had a really bad experience living in a duplex. The neighbours were the worst people you can imagine just one step above being actual serial killers. They would throw trash and news papers everywhere, including my front and back door, leave putrid cans of cat food out or open rotting bags of garbage out on hot summer days. They would have screaming loud sex, scream hateful scary stuff all day, bang around. The husband or boyfriend would randomly attack my garbage can and front door like just go to town kicking and punching it. He also sped up when I was crossing the road one day and leaned hard on the horn, even though he had tons of leeway before I'd begun crossing. He would also park badly at the nearby store and take up two spots (could identify his truck easily with his bumper stickers).

So, yeah living in an apartment again freaks me out but I am seriously considering it because things are bad here at the moment. I live on my own in a condo and the condo is completely fine. It's quiet. But I can't drive due to severe anxiety and not being able to afford a car. I have relied on my parents or sister for rides. The only places I ever need a ride for are the grocery store, or to my parents house to visit them on special occasions which is an almost physically painful ordeal. Both my sister's partner and my dad verbally abuse me the whole time I am around them and I can't do or say anything because they have gaslit me, told me I am imagining or hearing voices. I have voice recordings on my phone that are my only confirmation that I haven't imagined it. Today was not a good time. My sister's partner called me names - Emo, Dexter, Looking run down. My dad said he hated me again. I am becoming a shell of myself. I truly cannot put into words how painful this is. I feel like...idk like a handmaid or something. I feel completely powerless and trapped and I would be very grateful for any advice on this. Thank you for reading this!

For example you're replacing a hateful coping mechanism with a self-caring one, does it feel painful or almost raw? (read: am I doing it wrong?/j)

As a bit of background, I am No Contact with my entire family and didn't ever make that official.

I was always the scape goat, or the golden child, and so I didn't have any meaningful relationship with practically any of them. At least not other than my older brother who has an intellectual disability, is a high functioning adult, and is under the guardianship of my biological parents.

I have filed an adult protective services report and while those reps were incredibly understanding of emotional neglect and abuse and narc abuse, they set the expectation that unless there is evidence of rampant physical violence or neglect - there's not much to go on. And so, as these things go, I am not kept in the loop on how things progressed and as I do stay in touch with my brother, it doesn't really sound like anything has changed.

What I need guidance on is a decision to make contact with my bio mother, to forge a bridge so that I can have the means to spend time with my brother. More than just a random afternoon in town, as I have been doing, but actually making contact to be able to have him visit me, or to go on a trip with him.

This is quite the stick endeavor. I know who my biological mother is. She preyed on me emotionally growing up to fulfill her unmet needs, and it seems her culture and generation led her to not knowing how to regulate and manage her own emotions leading to her not understanding how her behavior can affect the well being and emotions of others.

I know I am keen to set boundaries, I am not looking to change anything between myself and the rest of the family. I will probably have to be upfront with her and step back and see how that is received. I know she'll crumble emotionally at hearing for the first time, in quite a cold and assertive way, that I don't see her as family and don't wish to maintain any contact whatsoever - only as far as maintaining my relationship with my brother. That I don't want updates or invites to family events and don't wish to hear about them. That I will not share where I live and I don't wish to be contacted on my phone if it is not related to my brother, his needs, and our plans.

I can only set my expectations and walk in understanding that they may not be met.

Does anyone have any experience in a similar scenario? I would like to hear about pitfalls and inflection points, or other things that will come up that I may not have considered. Thank you all in advance.

I posted this on LAN, but I think it may actually belong here instead.

My question is pretty simple. I haven't spoken to my narc mom in years, or my abusive younger brother, and have little to no contact with my enabling father. For the most part, this has been working. Unfortunately, I'm now having physical issues and need to go see a specialist who will certainly ask about my family history. I know that I have relevant family history (from my aunt (deceased), father, and brother) but I don't know the details. I only picked up on it because I was a big deal when I was between 7 and 15, so I only have a child's minimal understanding of what was going on. Because it's related to my immediate family and my mother liked triangulation, I'm fairly certain the only way I can get accurate information is to break NC and explain why I'm asking.

Has anyone broken NC for a medical reason like this? If so, how did you maintain your boundaries while also sharing a potentially big piece of information with your narcissistic family members?

Christmas carols are necessarily anthemic, fun or generally upbeat. This is fine and correct. Christmas carols in a minor key are almost a contradiction in terms. There are some songs about missing specific people for the holidays such as Blue Christmas but some of us sit out the entire affair. We're estranged from our families and, well, the regular carols in their manic happiness may just not speak to us.

There is a Christmas song that may give us solace.

On October 1, 1943 popular crooner Bing Crosby recorded a song told from the perspective of someone who won't be going to Christmas celebrations, except 'only in my dreams'. In the context of the ongoing war, he scored a top ten hit.

Here's the original version, and a contemporary version with by Sarah McLachlan.

So we’re all well aware here of the damage that narcissists can do to you, but throughout my healing I keep struggling with the idea that I too, am a narcissist no different than my mother. Everyone keeps reassuring me that narcissists don’t think about how narcissistic they are... but if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck...

So 2020 has been quite the tumultuous year, for everyone really, but on top of the background chaos I decided this year to finally go no contact with my narcissistic mother. It’s only been 5 months since cutting her off and I’ve struggled with guilt and anxiety about it, despite knowing logically that I’m in the right. I’ve had a few moments of clarity in recent weeks that have reassured me that I did the right thing, but I’m still so depressed.

Worst of all, in this depression it seems like the only voice calling me and giving me energy is my inner narcissist. I’m finding myself craving to be the center of attention. To be fawned over and lusted after, fame and fortune, the whole nine yards. I’m honestly too depressed to pursue any of it, but it’s still a horrible cycle of getting more depressed every time it happens because I feel so dirty. I don’t want to end up like my mother, but here I am craving the same things that turned her into an image-craven monster. I keep imagining myself like some rich big shot who can get whatever and whoever he wants, and it makes me feel so powerful and energized. Then immediately after I feel so depressed and filthy.

Has anyone else gone through this? I’m so scared of myself right now and it’s the worst feeling. I can’t escape myself and I don’t want to be trapped inside a monster... but it feels like the path to my happiness...? Am I just going crazy? I really want this to stop before I do something stupid and/or ruin the life I’ve already built. Any advice or words of wisdom for a lost ACoN?

I just got an email from my Nmom that is mildly triggering. It's not the worst email I've gotten from her, but it makes my skin feel itchy.

Our relationship has gotten better over the years and she has been trying. She's never gonna be the mom I wish she was, but, I'm working on accepting that and trying to enjoy whatever relationship we have. I'm not interested in going no contact.

She just sent me, and my siblings, an email that's sliding into old territory for her. She has a bit of a martyr complex, always seeking out negative attention. She wants someone to say, "oh, poor you!" and be her therapist and take care of her feelings for her. I was often this someone as a child, and I hate it soooo much when she does it now. I don't do it anymore, thanks Karpman Drama Triangle!

And there's also the covert guilt. She says something about how her situation (which is everyone's situation—pandemic) is denying her N supply in the most martyr-y way, and then says "I feel so guilty!" As a child, she conditioned us to know that that was actually our cue to say, "no, we are the ones who should feel guilty!" But now we're adults who know better. And then there's some stuff in there about how she'll probably die soon, too.

I just... I wanna not care about this anymore. I feel like I'm so close. Under all the covert manipulation are some real, valid feelings. Yeah, this pandemic sucks! Not seeing anyone IS depressing! I wish she just said, "I miss you, let's Zoom more often," and left it at that. She didn't need to add all the other crap. I guess I'm falling into an old pattern of wishing for something that isn't gonna happen. OK, so, I figure I just respond to the rational part of the email and pretend the rest doesn't exist? WWYD?

But also I'm hoping for some advanced ACoN out there to help me make the next step... how do I frame this in my own head so I don't view every sentence as an attack? How do I let it go? TIA!

Just thought I'd share this happy moment.

There's been a lot of ups and downs, and I almost had to go back on multiple occasions, but I feel like I've finally made it. I just finished college, and have my first ever job and an apartment. I am happier and healthier than I ever was back there. Thank you all for being there to help and give me advice when I needed it most!

What purpose does it serve you to deny what I tell you I’m feeling? … except to try to convince yourself that you’re not as bad as the evidence shows you are?

Forget about the trauma and the fallout of what denying my feelings does to me.

As usual.

And they'll say, " Why do I have to tell you to keep scratching my back??!"

I still feel so lost a lot of the time because im not being told what to do. Not just socially but decision making in general has been really hard since Ive gone no contact, but at least I can do what I think I want to do more often

Been out of my mums place for 3 months and Ive been flatting with my sister, a friend of her's and her friends partner. We keep on having similar issues making me feel unsafe but also guilty regarding the use of living space, respect, the sharing of property/consumables. It is really silly but one of the things that really bothers me and causes me to need to take hours out of my day analysing and trying to regain my confidence is the sharing of tobacco.

To start the situation off, my sisters boyfriend had used "gay as" to describe the personality of someone he had met that day. He knows Im gay so I asked him "What about him was gay? dont you mean feminine?" he reassured "he was just really gay" He was mocking the mans demeanor who supposedly paid him for answering questions about his business. this upset me because its remarks like these that are why men stay in the closet for all their life and end up committing suicide scared of the stigma around femininity and homosexuality - the use of derogatory tones and nuances to oppress or downplay the entire subgroup of men. So I went outside onto the deck for a smoke to chill out, it didnt affect me too much but I was thinking if I should try to explain the affect of what he said would have on gay men and the people who care about someone who is affected by homophobia. Am i right to be bothered by that or am i just insecure about my sexuality?

Im currently sitting in my car because when i went out for a smoke I think my sister was trying to coerce me into giving her tobacco for her to chop up and spin with her weed. When I went out onto the deck, my sisters friend Kelly had first asked me for some and said she will pay me back on Sunday, including what Im already owed. I decided to think over the contingencies for a little while because Im low on tobacco and I wont be able to refil my pouch until mid next week, but my sister came out onto the deck too and asked for the same and said she will pay me back what she owes me too. I seemed very hesitant because I didnt want to let them down, I was still trying to do the math in my head but it was obvious that I didnt want to give it away. They both offered me bribes of money on the spot and it didnt make a difference to how i felt about it I just needed some quiet to work out the math. My sister then said "I cant believe youre actually going to make me go through the ash tray, I would never let my friends drop so low." I explained that I had times I sifted through it when she didnt seem to think much about it. She responded with "But I wouldve been low or else I wouldve given some to you" and so I added that she had stolen my last cigarettes from me in the past. and then she mentioned me stealing from her (which was me taking back what she stole). So I had to leave. Last time something like this happened she called me selfish. I probably would have given them tobacco if I wasnt made to feel so confused. But now theyre all happily laughing together and I feel like Ive done something wrong? Am I playing a victim and being really selfish and unaware? I explained it in as much exact detail as I could but this happens like two or three times a week and pushes me into a painfully dull silence.

I was wondering if there are other ACONs who have found Trauma Therapy useful for healing from the trauma of being raised by a NP. If you have, would you please be willing to share your experiences and any advice that you might have for someone just starting it. I self identify as a ACoN raised by a NM and identify as having two emotionally immature parents.

Background: My mom is a covert narc, who was raised by her grandios narc step-mom and military dad. Dad was raised by his abused father and BPD mother and turned into the perfect narc enabeler. I am the eldest of their three kids and am the only one who is old enough to live on their own. Both me and my youngest sibling are neurodivergent.

I found out about 3 years ago that I have PTSD. At the time I thought it was because of some of the bullying that I encounter, but, after I started staying in the dorms at college, I realized that my parents were actually very toxic and emotionally abusive to me growing up. I have had ADHD my whole life but they never respected that, and decided to force me to go above and beyond to achieve the same standard as everyone else without the neccessary support. Looking back, there were so many red flags, my favorite being when the principal of my middle school (who I became friends with after my parents insisted on me taking the advanced math classes as opposed to the regular ones) asked me how many hours a day I spent on homework (6hrs), but I knew I spent more time than most people did and was ashamed of that so I told him that I only spend 4hrs a day on homework, and he looked at me flabergasted and told me I shouldn't be spending more than one, maybe two, hours at most. Needless to say, my parents were very insistent that I do well in school, but never signed me up for anything like an IEP or a 504 or any kind of special education group. They thought that I was just faking it and not wanting to do my homework because I kept getting 'A's on tests. So, they decided that everyday, when I first get home from school, I need to take out every peice of paper in my binder and sort it into sorting bins, then immediately start working on everything in the homework section, and then, once I was done, I could put all of it back into my binder, and then I could go play. Keep in mind that I was 10 when they first started making me do this. Also note that the teachers were insistent that everyone's binder be sorted in a particular order (obviously different that my dad's sorting method) and that every page be in the right place. The teachers would do random binder checks throughout the year to make sure everyone had everything in the right order, and you would get points taken away if anything was missing/out of order. This meant that I had to re-sort through everything every night in order to put it back together for the next day. For someone with ADHD, this much sorting alone is sheer and utter torture, and most teachers would never expect a 10 year old with ADHD tto be able to do it on their own, thus why the special ed classes that my parents wouldn't let me take exist. Given that my dad was the one who enforced these rules, and he didn't get home untill later, I would occassionally go outside and play for a bit before I started working. My mom, being the "anything for my childeren"-falls-on-their-sword-type covert narrcissist had 0 ability to say no to us (but would instead complain two days later about our behavior and how irresponsible we are and how we should be ashamed of ourselves). So she would never tell me to go do my work. My dad then decided that he needed to crack down further on my for being irresponsible and dissrespectful by sitting over me as I did my work. If I didn't have everything sorted by the time he got home, he would take something of mine away, typically a toy given that I was still pretty young, or find some other way to punnish me (no play-date this weekend, etc.). He would then sit behind me, typically on the edge of my bed, while I worked on my homework. He would sit there quietly for hours on end, and anytime I pause/spaced out/looked up from the paper, he would look at me, point at my paper, and say in a calm ster voice "do your work". I should also note that my dad is a strong, broad shouldered 6'4 360lb man, which means that him saying that is just that much more intimidating.

Cut to today. I find out that I have PTSD because of my parents, who have seemingly gotten a lot nicer and a lot more respectful since then (though at this point I attribute it to the fact that I was a straight A student through high school). I start reading books about narc and toxic parents and their behaviours, and I find that even still, my parents have a lot of these same behaviours. I bring this up with my therapist (who is absolutely awesome), who is also my mom and dad's therapist. My mom and dad are already aware that they have retained some of their parents narc/negative behaviour and are more than willing to change. Great! So we start having group therapy sessions to work through this stuff, and I am basically constantly told that it is my fault for being to snesitive and that either way it isn't there fault. Eventually, with the help of my amazing therapist, we manage to get from "immagine if you had to do/say 'x' to you 4yr old brother. You wouldn't be able to so stop judging us for it." to "immagine if you had to do/say 'x' to your brother. It's not easy.". This is a big improvement, but it took them a whole summer of very frequent group sessions while I was home in order to get this far. My dad, in particular, made great improvements, going from the first statement to "well, what do you recommend we do?". I talk to my dad about how him coming into my room, sitting on the edge of my bed and then proceding to lecture me (even if it is a positive lecture), triggers my ptsd. He is a bit of a jokester, and so he jokes that he needs to do it more often then (haha), and I tell him that it isn't funny and that it is really detrimental to my recovering and getting better. Over the summer, he does come in a coupple times, though much less frequently than before, to "talk with me" about something or other, and every time he jokes about how he's going and uppsetting me by sitting on the end of my bed like that. I in return, refuse to talk to him or acknowledge him when he does that, but he continues anyways because it is a lecture and not a conversation. So I also come back to him later once I'm calmed down and tell him that it isn't funny and that I need him to stop. Ultimately, this whole behavior is something he learned from his father, who, to this day, will do the exact same kind of thing with him, so I don't blame him entirely for the behavior. Slowly but surely, he does it less and less, and eventually seems to stop. So, I go back to school for 11 weeks, and come home for winter break. Everything is more or less where I left it with not that much regression to how they were before (my therapist said that she was working really hard on this stuff with them because she is awesome like that). On top of that, for the time being, everyone played family and so all was ok on the surface, which is about as deep as our contact went. I have my last therapy session before going back to school, and am packing up my things, when my dad comes in and sits on the end of my bed and tells me that he has to pick on me at least one last time before I leave, and the lectures me on how the whole family is going to miss me and how I should come home more often... while doing the exact thing that is one of the reasons I don't come home. I had left for school early so that way I would have a coupple days to wind down before school starts back up and I'm a stressed mess and can't figure out why. I had completely forgotten that my dad had triggered me, intentionally, untill the second day of classes when a lightbulb went off in my head and I was like "oh, yeah, that right. Your dad is an a-hole who triggered your ptsd, and you've probably been in an emotional flashback for the past four days because of it. No wonder you were having trouble with making it to the first freaking day of classes.". So, the next day (the day I am posting this), I end up having to take the day off so that way I can work through the flashback and keep it from affecting me any longer than it already has.

The Decision. At this point, I've been debating for a while if I should go VLC/NC or even estrange from my parents. I still love them, and I know doing so would crush them emotionally, which is something I don't want. But at the same time, being with them is actively harming me and my schooling, and in the past when I went somewhat LC with them, it was just. So. Liberating. I was at peace and happier than I had ever been growing up. Though there was always the smoking gun in the background of "when are they going to text you next", it was way better than before. I also am worried about how my desicion will impact my siblings. My sister (in her late teens, neurotypical) hasn't faced that many issues with them, and even empathizes with them from time to time, so cutting my parents off might worsen our relationship. At the same time my little brother (pre-k, neurodivergent) is already facing some of the same problems I had with them growing up where they wouldn't really accept the I wasn't normal. I've hear them saying plenty of things like "He'll never be happy in life because he has (dissorder)." and "well we have to force him to do/act like 'x' or else he'll end up in a mental institution". They are going to put him in special ed though. Either way though, I'm worried about him, and me cutting them off and offering to him to be there whenever he needs it could help set an example telling him that he doesn't have to put up with their bs and let them hurt him. Though, at the same time, it could make things worse on him as there is potential for them to no longer put any of their foccuss on me, meaning he takes the majority of the abuse. As for my therapist, she is very hopeful that there can be some reconsiliation, and doesn't want me to cut them off.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to do what is best for me and my siblings, and hopefully not hurt my parents too much in the process (though I am very aware that I can't help/please everyone), but at this point, I'm not sure what is going to help/hurt who the most. I graduate from college this summer, and my parents paid for it so I won't have any loans. Until then I'm unemployed and my parents are paying for things like food/water/etc., but I have about 7.5k in my bank account that I have been saving up since age five. I also have a dinning account at my dorm, though it isn't very big, so I have enough to cover basic needs for the rest of my schooling and still have some to put towards my first months rent before I start working.

Any ideas?

TL:DR My toxic enabler dad keeps intentionally triggering my ptsd. Neither my dad nor my narc mom have any sympathy for nerodivergence, which my brother (age 4) and I (age 21) both are. My younger sister is queen of on-the-fence. And at this point, while I want to go NC, but I also want to do what is best for my younger siblings, be that taking some of the abuse so they don't have to, or setting the example that they don't have to stay in that harmful situation. What should I do?

I know that N abuse is indescribable unless you’ve lived it or closely witnessed it however, I still yearn to find words to tell my (our) story in a plain-spoken, easily understood way to others... close friends and strangers alike.

After many mealy-mouthed, rambling attempts at explaining my recovery process, I have landed on the concept of being in a Cult of Personality and undergoing Cult Deprogramming. This theme is easily accessible to our current cultural lexicon and especially resonates with those with a penchant for true crime, etc.

Has anyone else used Cults as a cultural touchstone to relate your experience? Or how else have you described your experience to others?

My situation is complicated by the fact that

• I have a limited immigration status and am waiting for Green Card approval, which may take forever. I can work and drive.
• I am dealing with the fears that my parents instilled in me growing up (ex: getting raped, mugged, targeted by cons, going broke). My mindset has been warped.
• I'm working in a job they chose for me because it pays relatively well, but am not sure how long I will stay there because I (mostly) hate it and I'm burning out. I'm drained on my days off and have barely any energy for even things I like to do. I hate them and myself for this and it is exhausting.
• I was socially isolated, so now have no real friends or SO. I have acquaintances, but nothing really forms. Some of them fall away after finding out about my situation. That hurts. I don't know who or how to trust or love. I'm scared of being an N to anyone else.

The most important thing I guess is, how did you go about looking for a place. I am at the point of looking at listings on Zillow and Kangaroom, but can't seem to get past that. Please Help!! I feel like because I'm still here, they still expect me to be their doormat. I need to leave, for my own growth and sanity.