If you think you may hurt yourself or others, please call your local emergency services: 911, 999, etc.

My husband has always had guys working for him so he’s got a habit of giving orders.

Sometimes it gets ridiculous. Can you turn on the tea kettle, get me ice cubes, hand me a tissue etc. I will call him out on it and have even muttered a few “Are your legs broken?” type of comments. And I sometimes say no.

It there is one thing that always grates in my nerves. When he adds “for me” at the end of the request. Can you rinse the carrots for me ?

Am I crazy or do those two little words at the end push anyone else the wrong way.

Like he’s standing right here cooking. I offered to help. Why does he have to add the for me nonsense.

He will also ask “Can you do me a favor?” No way I am saying yes up front. Dumb ass.

APOLOGIES FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS POST

Hello, I'm new to this sub but I had a bizarre experience with a (former) Tumblr mutual a couple of days ago and can't stop ruminating about it because it was...odd? I don't know if I would definitively characterize this person as a narc because I didn't know her for very long, but the more I think about this interaction seems to be mirroring another bad experience I had with an online friend a few years ago who acted nice and then dumped/blocked me without much forewarning and made me out to be the sole problem in the relationship when there were issues on BOTH ends (hers she never acknowledged).

For context, I started interacting with this person (we'll call her Jane) several months ago because we were in a couple of the same fandom circles. She seemed nice and supportive my creative endeavors, would reblog and reply to a lot of my posts, and in general appeared to be an okay person. I will say though, that before I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt (a decision I'm now kind of regretting), I got a weird gut feeling about trusting her. If you're wondering why I didn't just listen to the feeling right away, I had a traumatic fandom experience a few years ago that left me with legit PTSD symptoms and caused me to walk away from those spaces for a long time. I chalked up the initial wariness to a trauma response, and I didn't want to give into what I thought might just be paranoia rather than a legitimate protective instinct. So I set my misgivings aside and decided to be friendly with Jane, and all seemed well until the incident a couple of days ago.

Jane was organizing an online fan event, which I'd been aware of since she first announced it a couple of months ago. In her announcement post, she listed a general set of rules for participation, which I read and thought I understood correctly (this is important for what happened later). Before I go on, I want to mention that I have ADHD, possibly AuDHD (although formal assessment is currently a bit of a hurdle due to insurance issues), and one of the ways my particular brand of neurodivergence manifests is that I sometimes get easily confused or frustrated by what my brain perceives to be unclear directions. Or, sometimes I misinterpret directions because I think I've read/heard them correctly but I got the person's original intent wrong. This can be a pain because more often than not if I get things "wrong" or fail to understand things correctly through no fault of my own, I will be blamed for messing up when I just made an honest mistake.

Now, in the announcement post, Jane also mentioned that if we had any questions about the rules, we could message her to ask for clarification. This is where the misinterpretation/confusion issue becomes relevant. I read the announcement post, assumed I understood the directions correctly, and therefore didn't think it was necessary to ask any questions because I didn't have them at the time. Fast-forward to a couple of days ago. She made an additional post to kick off the event, in which she wrote out additional specifications for participation that to my recollection were not in the original announcement post. At this point I realized that I might have interpreted the og post wrong (although, tbh, if those additional specifications weren't there in the first place then whose fault is that really), and asked a clarification question. When she answered the question, I realized that I HAD interpreted the og post wrong and said something like "oh okay I thought the rules were x and didn't realize they were y" and added that I'm not good with directions that aren't hyper-specific to contextualize why I was confused. At this point, in her next reply, she all of a sudden started coming across as kind of condescending, as if I'd offended her somehow by idk, insinuating that her directions weren't clear enough? She came back at me with this comment to the effect of "Well you were free to ask questions a few months ago when this was originally announced," but with a bit of an attitude, and then added something like "In the future this is how to you should participate" but again, with a bit of an attitude like she was talking down to a child.

I could've just left it there, but I got annoyed because it felt like I was being unfairly punished for making an honest mistake, and by extension, yet again being punished for my neurospicy brain just doing what it does and getting confused. I was not about to let someone guilt me into thinking I was the only person who messed up when a) again, I made a legit mistake, and b) just because the directions were totally clear to HER doesn't necessarily mean they were clear to everybody else. I tried to respond politely with another clarification for why I had gotten confused, and even somewhat threw myself under the bus by saying "I goofed" and apologizing for the error being my fault. She, however, did not reply to this response and has since been ghosting me I guess?

After spending some time thinking about it, I started to realize that her behavior pattern is kind of mimicking the ex-friend I mentioned in the opening paragraph. Now the situation with that friend was slightly different, but this pattern of "acts super nice and supportive and then all of a sudden turns on a dime and dips" is very similar. What's even worse is Jane actually knew that I had fandom-related trauma because I post about it occasionally to raise awareness and try to advocate for better behavior in fan spaces so that what happened to me doesn't happen to anyone else, but in the end I guess the support was what? Fake? I'm beginning to notice parallels between her brand of niceness and the niceness of the aforementioned ex-friend too, like in retrospect it was TOO nice, TOO friendly, TOO enthusiastic. Sugary-sweet niceness with no genuine substance underneath. I'm mentally comparing this to my interactions with other mutuals in the same circle and I don't get the same saccharine vibe from them, so maybe my initial gut instinct to not trust her was onto something?

Anyway, part of the reason I've been spiraling as a result of this weird interaction is because she's still "friends" with some of my mutuals in this same fandom so I don't know who among them I can still trust, knows a lot about my headcanons and writing projects (which just makes me uncomfortable because I don't want her to know anything about my activity anymore), and is also semi-active on Ao3 where I've been posting some of my work. At this point, do I just block her and maybe a couple of other people I think she might be chummy with for safety's sake, or at the very least, for my own peace of mind? It seems like an overreaction but I've gotten into trouble not setting ultra-strong boundaries with iffy Internet people before and maybe I just need to put my foot down and do the extreme thing as a precautionary measure. If you block people on Tumblr or Ao3 I don't think they're aware of it (please lmk if I'm wrong because I don't want to spark more drama before I possibly do so) so afaik she'd be none the wiser and I'd feel at peace knowing she wasn't seeing any more of my updates. Also before I end this, this whole situation is doubly ridiculous considering that this is a fully-grown adult woman who I believe is in her 30's...

I live with three girls. The one claims I’m one of her best friends, but she’s a total covert narcissist and spoiled brat. She consistently puts the approval of guys over EVERYTHING and I’m so tired of living with her. Nonetheless, I have to survive the next few months which will be possible - I’d just like any and all advice on how to bring her down on the down low.

She’s very self conscious about her weight and looks. At the same time, she dresses scandalously and always has some guy she’s pining over - usually a guy I’ve liked in the past, or someone else has liked.

So sick and tired of her spoiled attitude, and I’m at my wits end. She’ll make sly bullying comments to me, so if anyone has anything good I can say / ways I can act to make her stand down, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks.

I recently found out my ex lied about his dad having cancer. He used it, now and then, as an excuse for his behavior and to get out of things- one in particular was spending Christmas with me when we had made solid plans (like every other plan we made, it was cancelled)

He used it as a way for me to not be able to argue back. It was a control tactic. I couldn’t say anything to his dad having cancer without sounding like a dick. I always had a weird gut feeling that it wasn’t true based off of what I saw with my own eyes and the fact that only I knew- even his best friend had no clue that his dad was sick until I brought it up once in private (I kept this close to my chest after this because then I was worried it was some sort of secret). So some friends and I did a little recon after the breakup and come to find out, his dad is 100% healthy.

At the same time- I feel CRAZY. This man made me believe that his dad was so sick so I would feel so much empathy for him and now I’m just having to learn how to come to terms with this information and the fact that I can never confront him about it without fear for my safety. I can’t help but feel so embarrassed. Has anyone else been so severely lied to and how did you come to terms?

The way they dominate the time and talk over you and constantly interrupt you... I want to get a chess timer and if they want to interrupt they can interrupt as much as they want by hitting the clock button and activating their own count-down. When the other person's clock is going, we have to shut up and listen. Whoever runs out of time first doesn't get to have the last word.

Let them use up their clock on nonsense, leaving me enough time to speak slowly and completely. Of course, they would never abide by the rules, even if they say they agree to them.

My wife of 8 years has recently moved out. I and others have suspected that she has narcissistic traits. Now that she is gone and unfortunately taken the kids what can I expect from her? She did this once before 3 years ago almost to the exact date. We got back together last time.

The thing that surprised me the most was two weeks before she left she bought new lingerie to wear for me. She has left it behind. Also the night before she left she initiated sex and the next day treated me like an enemy telling me nothing. It hurts so much that there would be other people who knew she was doing this. Her friends and colleagues must have known at least a few days in advance as she put in for a job transfer to another city.

I have a former classmate who's been a narcissist for a very long time. Essentially everybody he's been in touch with since I knew him in school (even his family) has either cut him off (even they called police on him for violent threats but no charges pressed) or he just got into an argument with and ended up threatening to F up their lives.

Thankfully, he lives far away from me and I started be more guarded and cut back on text message responses, made excuses not to meet up in person.

Now he sorta has started turning on me. He's texting that I'm ignoring him, that I'm mad at him and he started making disparaging remarks.

How do I diplomatically cut him off without him wreaking havoc in my life? He has in the past said he's got private investigators working on those he had business/legal disputes with and is definitely the type to go hard on making my life as miserable as he can.

I'm already throttling responses and making jokes back at his disparaging text message, but I have a feeling this will go further south soon.

Any feedback/links will be helpful as to how I can cut him off as graceful as possible via text (can take time crafting text responses if needed and I'm not hurt by his actions). For example, since he gets irritated I don't pick up the phone or message quickly, should I make humorous jokes, say I was busy, concerned at his changes (a lie) or what?

TL;DR: Long time narcissistic friend who lives far away is turning on me and I'd like to know methods/techniques for slowly cutting him out of my life via text messages.

[20F]here.

Make a long story short, i got broken up with by [20M] July 2023 it was out the blue and we were together for more than 3 years. we have a lot of baggage together so it hurt. after the break up we went no contact for months until he ft out the blue and i answered. we would talk every now and then nothing too serious, no talks about getting back together more of just understanding each other. we linked in Jan and after that i made a promise to not speak to him again, so i havent. it’s now sept and he still calls every now and then, mind you I DONT ANSWER, but it’s always with a group of people (multiple numbers on the call) which obviously is a red flag. is there a reason he still calls me?

My problem is im confused, ive taken so much time for myself, haven’t hung with any new guys, been healing and building myself back up, trying to grow my relationship with God. I have no friends or family so i’ve doing this alone. I have more respect for myself to not go back to him but do i really need the closure? he was the only person ive ever loved, im stuck. it’s been more than a year i just want to get over it.

Just really need advice. Why he still calls? Am I cooked for still having him on my mind ev

For context I am working on leaving my abusive relationship. I noticed my N-husband didn't pay a bill, there is a history of financial abuse and so this doesn't surprise me but his response when I called his attention to it was; Thank you I was looking for that!

It feels like he's gaslighting me, or that he is trying to act like he is doing the right thing (no he didn't pay it but he was looking for it)? I feel like I can see through it but I am left confused, and thinking about him-- which I know is exactly what he wants, putting my mind and attention on him. Anyway does this happen to you too? Does your N, say thank you when you point out a fault?

I suspected my ex husband of being Narcissistic but I never knew for sure. I remember two occasions when I was really sick and suffering. I went to bed wrecked with it both times and my ex was there, seeing me in that condition. I also told him how miserable I was, and also scared.

Well what do you know, the next morning my husband is up and at em early in the morning, way earlier than he normally gets up. He is not a morning person. I hadn't slept most of the night til maybe an hour or so before this. I was jolted awake by him moving around the room, and going in and out to the main part of the house. Each time he did this a light from the hallway shone into the room. I was shocked to see him showered and dressed at that hour. He wasn't going to work anytime soon. He said "I was trying to be quiet!"

The other time, equally sick and unable to go to work, I saw my husband off to his job. We were messaging all day long at that point. The constant bombardment of sweet messages from him was so addictive. I was so hooked on all that potent attention that when I heard the Ping! of an incoming message from him I would feel a rush of dopamine. Eventually I was hooked so that when I didn't hear from him for too long I would become anxious. It would be hard to focus on other things and the more time passed the more anxious I felt.

So on this day when I was really unwell and scared what was wrong, and my ex husband was at his job, suddenly for the first time he didn't message me. Hours went by without hearing from him. Finally I saw a read receipt but instead of replying to my messages, something he had always done quickly, he disappeared again. He didn't respond to any attempt to contact him for long enough that my anxiety was through the roof. And no, he wasn't busy at work that day.

All this did was hijack my attention and emotions and the stress made the illness worse. I couldn't believe that on that day, of all days, that's when he would suddenly stop messaging me the way he always had. I feel like a normal caring spouse would be checking in to make sure the sick one was alright. Afterwards, when I finally heard from him, he tried to make it sound like I was being kinda clingy and it was "normal" to not be in touch for hours. True, but it wasn't normal for us.

Would you say this sounds like Narc territory?

What has been your experience with Narcissistic people and how they treat you when you're sick?

My 36F ex 42M begged me to be friends after we broke up. He even wrote that he wanted to be friends in the email that he used to break up with me -- yes, an email. I agreed. A year later, it is still challenging for me to spend time with him. I have to mask how I feel, pretending nothing happened between us.

I'm going through a very challenging time, and after he told me about a vacation he went on with his kids and much younger girlfriend (who he told me he is in love with), I finally could not suppress it anymore. He saw I was uncomfortable and said he wanted me to be more "real" with him. I said that what happened between us made it difficult for me to be myself around him -- when you show someone yourself, and they reject you, that is hard to come back from.

He said that he was also vulnerable around me. -- It is different, though; I love him. I accepted him.

I told him it had probably been too soon for us to try being friends after dating. He said that he never considered me a romantic partner and that I had begged him to be friends with me. But we dated for a year. We went to Paris together, etc.

He said other things that seemed like narcissism red flags. Namely, I had initiated a romantic relationship with him, so it was my fault for getting hurt. It isn't true. He was the one who initiated it. He never told me he loved me (he told me he was incapable of love), but I interpreted acts of love like gifts and the time we spent together as intimacy. He said it was my fault for misinterpreting.

In addition, he said that he cared about me, and the proof was that no one else would have been putting up with me for a year. I don't understand what he thinks he has been "putting up with," I'm nice to him. I meet on his schedule. I bring him little gifts. I help him when he has a problem.

I'm spinning; I've just been lying in bed for days. What am I experiencing here? What is the way forward?

Hello, my niece (22) has this Parasite(38?) There is nothing we can do to get ride of him. Everybody in the family knows , and the parents especialy have decided that we keep calm and keep contact , until she opens up her eyes , so we are all still there and she will know that she can just come home, when she is ready.

So i do have to attend a medical treatment with my 2 doughters (3+7) we ginna stay 3 Weeks and it is only 40minutes where she lives now with that men. So of course i will try to meet her, if he lets her out of the house (not sure about that)

We all ready did chat about it and that we visit and she can show ys around possible eating some icecrem , and that is it.

I do not know him, have never seen him, he does not come to familyreunions there for she is nit coming as well.

I do not know if i gona meet him then. But i'm worrryed about all kind of things.

Can i behave myself at all if i notice something if his narcissistic behavior? How can i react acordingly ? For something i can not prepare for? I have had a very controlling ex myself , i call him a narcissist in training because we where young and i think he had not learned enough , how to controle and devastated a person and so one..... So it might tear open some wounds , this and my ADHD could have a bad meet up.

I do realy want to see her , i like her a lot and havent seen her for 2 years , i want to show support , and be there show her the family cares and all....

I have already decided that i will stay calm and do not feed him with anything , if i can manage , i'm just worryed about all sort of things.

Any advice?

My fiancé and I were planning to get married. I backed out after we got the marriage license and told him that something about his family doesn't sit right with me. I felt very uncomfortable with some things his family did and said.

A little background on our relationship: we had been together for around three years. I was a professional foreign worker in the states, and my work permit was about to expire. My job was too toxic, requiring me to work overtime seven days a week, 12 hours a day. I didn't want to stay in the States anymore due to the frequent abuse and discrimination as a foreign worker. I applied for professional jobs in my home country and Canada. I received offers from both countries and decided to stay in Canada to be closer to my fiancé, allowing us to see each other every month. My fiancé owns a house shared with his family. The family paid the down payment when he was 13, and he and his other sister have been paying the monthly mortgage since they started working.

The house was the first thing that made me icky. He has two sisters: the middle sister lived with my fiancé but later moved out to live with her fiancé, only coming back on weekends. The eldest sister does not pay the mortgage because she does not live in the house, which makes sense. However, the house is under the eldest sister's name, meaning two siblings are paying off the mortgage for her. The parents claim that when the house is sold, they will split the money between the three siblings. I still don't understand why someone who never contributed to the mortgage should receive a share of the proceeds. When my fiancé and I lived together, his family made him to continue paying for the house because they could not afford it. I felt uncomfortable that one sibling contributed nothing while the other had to. My fiancé was not allowed in the kitchen due to the "expensive" cookware and items. I asked him about that, and he started cooking in his own home after 24 years. There were some issues with the house, and my fiancé's suggestions were always dismissed. His sisters always decided what was right and wrong and often yelled at people for minor things, like a drop of oil on the kitchen counter or using the dryer instead of a drying rack. They were the rule makers. The middle sister would yell at her fiancé for minor things, even when I was there. I tried to ask my fiancé to tell her that her behavior hurt her fiancé's feelings. My fiancé said she would be like that, so we should just mind our own business. I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever I went to their house. She never yelled at me, but I could sense hostility towards me whenever I was there or even when I wasn't.

I have both sisters on Instagram. Whenever I post a story, the middle sister would post something similar. For example, if I posted about fun things at work, like getting some oranges for helping someone, she would post about her students complimenting her for being pretty. I didn't think much of it at first. I tried to be nice to her whenever I was at their home, even though I felt uncomfortable going there. Some of his relatives complimented me on my new hairstyle in front of them, and the middle sister’s behavior began to escalate. She had the same hairstyle and wore a dress that I wore to my anniversary dinner with my fiancé, and she posted about it twice on Instagram. I tried to tell myself that it was strange but not a big deal.

I got the offer from Canada and we informed our landlord that we would not renew the lease. I asked my fiancé if I could stay at his place for a month, and he told his sister about this. His sister frequently brought her fiancé to their home without informing my fiancé. I felt that, as it was their shared home, it was polite to notify her, even if she was only there on weekends. My fiancé said her reaction was indifferent. Whenever I visited their home, I mostly stayed in the room because I was afraid of touching anything that might make her uncomfortable or angry. Everything was fine until the middle of the month when his sister texted him asking when I would be leaving. I didn't know about this until I went to check some funny pictures I took of my fiancé on his phone later. She asked me once directly when I would be leaving for Canada, and I answered that I was looking for tickets and planning to leave at the end of the week. I didn’t realize she had already asked my fiancé, so I took it as a casual conversation. Later, I found out that it was indeed his sister who asked, which made me feel uncomfortable. I thought that if she already knew I was staying for a month, why did she need to ask about it twice? And why didn’t she ask me directly? I saw a screenshot of my conversation with my fiancé about leaving on the 23rd. When I asked him about that, he admitted that it was his sister asking when I was leaving. I told him that if she wanted to know something about me, she should ask me directly. Asking about me through someone else made me feel uncomfortable and in this situation I also feel unwelcome. He agrees but he didn't talk to her about that until I said it really bothers me how it will become if we were to get married. That might destroy our marriage.

My fiancé then spoke to his middle sister about it, and she cried, saying that it wasn’t her intention and that I was misunderstanding her. She said she didn’t know why I thought she was such a bad person, that was not her intentions. I suggested that he ask his parents to talk to her for a different perspective. I think that, since it was their family, it should be easier to address issues within the family. The eldest sister then yelled at my fiancé, saying, “Are you fucking nuts? Did you even think about things before you spoke? Who would ask their parents to talk to their children about problems with others? They would definitely side with their kids even if they are the ones at fault.” She added, “We are Chinese; that’s just tradition. If she married into our family, she is still not close family. She should just suck it up.”

I was baffled by this. I don’t recall Chinese culture teaching people to treat their daughters or sisters-in-law as outsiders or to avoid discussing issues. I had dated Chinese and am Chinese myself. My fiancé and I then attended couples therapy, where the therapist said there was a lack of accountability in his family and that he needed to set boundaries. The therapist also suggested that he see another therapist for his family issues. He stopped replying to most of his family’s communications, and his father asked him to just say it out loud if he has a problem. They asked if something was wrong between us. I felt uncomfortable with this assumption, as if I was the one causing problems for him and his family. He had another conversation with his family, saying that it was not my fault for wanting to discuss matters that made me uncomfortable. The problem was their view of me as an outsider, even though I was going to marry him, and their expectation that I would become the family scapegoat to maintain harmony. The eldest sister then responded, “Oh yeah, foreigners think like that, but we are just Chinese. If she wants me to apologize, I’ll apologize now.” I had never demanded an apology; I just wanted the issues that made me uncomfortable to stop. I was again baffled by the lack of accountability. I think she is very narcissistic and manipulative. Cause we never invited her to share her unsolicited opinions.

I then had a discussion with my fiancé, telling him that I was exhausted by the situation. I felt that I should not be blamed for raising issues. I think he should seek professional help to set boundaries and distance himself from his family, as they did not seem to care about his feelings or opinions. He felt the same but found it difficult to stand up to his family, which led him to drag me into the drama. He persuaded me to "communicate" with his family even after the therapist said it was unfair for me to handle his family issues. He still wanted a good relationship with them despite their blatant disrespect. He received a text from his mom asking him to congratulate his eldest sister on her promotion, even though they knew he was upset with the eldest’s disrespect. He refused, and his mom said she wouldn’t talk to him.

While I understand that breaking free from a dysfunctional family is hard, I believe it is necessary for both oneself and one’s future family. I don’t think I have the ability to help him separate from his family. I asked him to stop pressuring me to communicate with or understand his family. I reached my limit and had severe mental breakdowns, feeling paralyzed by the situation. I am now on a break with him. He said he would try again and wants to get back together, but I have not accepted this because I am on the verge of crumbling. I don’t know if he will ever have the strength and courage to do what’s best for himself and his future family. I know he is trying to communicate with them, but I don’t believe communication will work with them. Until he realizes that, I will always be blamed for everything. I know I deserve love and respect, and my mind and heart are in conflict.

My mom is convinced my dad is a narcissist, but she is literally the only person in our family (or anyone else for that matter) that thinks so. Is that possible?

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️ the post could potentially bring up feelings from past or current abuse.

Apologies if this has (more than likely) been asked in this sub but in my current situation with M (if you're inclined, read the long post here). I've noticed when grocery shopping, she'll spread herself across the aisle in such a way that people who are trying to view the other side or even get by, are unable to. This has happened so much so that I peruse another end of the hall just so people don't assume we're together. But then it's embarrassing when they see us leaving together.

This isn't just a grocery stores issue, she has severe interpersonal lack-of awareness. I oftentimes get catcalled when walking around & sometimes people are simply giving me a compliment. There have been times when a passerby will give both of us a compliment but then she becomes irate & begins spewing insults at the person who gave us a compliment. This has resulted in me being followed when we aren't together, with those people asking me "what her problem is".

There was a networking event that I attended & I told her she could meet me afterwards, but she has my location & made her way inside. She was VERY inappropriate as soon as she got there: kissing me & holding me towards her. Interrupting when I was speaking to people about the firm I work for & she kept embarrassingly bringing up the fact that there "is so much free alcohol" and asking everyone how much things cost.

Needless to say, it took 20 minutes to get out of there.

Curious if this is behaviour anyone else has noticed with their narcs/nexs'?

Hi there, I am new to this sub, and I'm seeking some advice on a disturbing situation. Background, I divorced my narc ex 9 years ago, and while the first few years were a nightmare, he's moved on to new victims, so l only have to deal with his bullshit occasionally. We share a 10 year old. He only has him every other weekend and is a relatively decent parent for the most part, however there are moments where I suspect emotional abuse. Unfortunately the courts do not recognize that, so l just have to mitigate the best that I can. My son is athletic, good looking, charming and respectful, so narc ex is able to put him on a pedestal for social media - which I realize is massively fucked up, but when it comes to the danger of narcs, this is best case scenario for now.
/
So my ex, we will call him Dan, met a new girlfriend about a year ago, we will call her Lena. Lena is great, and wonderful to my son. I was over the moon that Dan actually managed to find a lovely woman, because even though Dan is attractive, he doesn't have a great job and makes very little money. A few weeks ago, I get a call from Lena letting me know that she found out Dan has been seeing his ex girlfriend, we will call her Kelly, for the past 6 months, so she won't be around anymore, and wanted to give me the heads up. Dan has also been bringing my son around both Kelly and Lena and telling him not to mention one to the other. When Dan and Kelly were together, I liked her fine enough. She adored my son, but I did get some warning bells with her. She's frighteningly skinny, won't tell anyone what she does for work, and was also still living with her ex boyfriend while datinr Dan. They broke up because supposedly she cheated on Dan. She is also going through chemo for breast cancer. Anyways, fast forward to last week, Lena is out of the picture and Dan is back with Kelly and they're apparently moving in together. I get a nasty text from Kelly who somehow found out that I talked with Lena, and Kelly in a rage told me she was going to sleep with my husband as revenge. None of this is really pertinent to the main story now, but this is the level of chaos going on. I block her and that's that. Dan has my son this weekend and they stay at Kelly's house.
/

Fast forward to this morning, Lena texts me that she's getting suicidal voicemails from Dan begging for her back, and threatening to off himself. Textbook narc move, he did it to me when I left him. I called 911 and he was out under 3 day hold, and he stopped after that. But, what if he's not bluffing this time. Do I go to the police? I'm concerned that will only make matters worse, as I believe crazy Kelly is still in the picture (I suspect she has BPD), and I'm worried about creating a potentially more enflamed situation that could create a dangerous environment for my son the next time he's with his Dad. Any advice would be so appreciated. I also want to add that crazy Kelly seems more attached to my son than seems appropriate. She's sent me some weird like, I would have loved your son forever and do, whatever for him bla bla bla when she was texting about being in contact with Lena.

A little background, my ex and I moved to a new state together and broke up after a month of being here. I am embarrassed about how little I felt that my voice mattered and how much I did to please him, including moving here even after how much I told him it was too fast, and not speaking up when he picked an apartment way out of our agreed budget because I knew he would act like I was taking something from him.

But I depleted all of my savings trying to keep up with him, and the job I landed here wasn’t enough to cover rent. I told him that I was starting a job in September that would pay enough for me to start paying rent again and slowly start paying back what I couldn’t afford. The plan was for me to finish out the lease so I could save up to move.

Last week he was being very critical and I started getting defensive, mostly by rejecting his comments and calling out his behavior, and then he gave me the silent treatment and the next day said he was feeling overwhelmed and stuck and wants to move on. I found a sublet pretty quickly after and I told him I didn’t need much besides anything I’ve purchased and I asked if I could take the guest bed.

He said I could take the bed, but that I probably don’t want the bed frame because it would be too much of a hassle for me and I could just get a cheap one. He then said that I had the option to deduct my half of all the furniture we bought from my outstanding debt to him if I wanted, and he would just keep it all. I don’t know if it’s normal for things to get so cold during a separation, but I’ve tried really hard to be neutral and agreeable because I’m scared of how hurtful he can be. I even said he could still be on my insurance when I start the new job.

My therapist thinks I shouldn’t pay him and that he can just get his own insurance. She even predicted he would turn up the charm once I had my move-in date, but I guess I would love some thoughts from the hive mind. I feel really guilty about not paying back the rent I owed or withholding healthcare access from someone, but it’s also very telling that he would sooner have me keep my bed on the floor after so many years together, despite how cruel he was to me.

I have a lot of grief and anger about the whole situation and I wish I could hold onto it, but then I get full of guilt about going no-contact.

Hello everyone! It's my first time ever posting something like this, and I really need your help trying to understand some things. I was seeing a guy for a few months or so, and the thing absolutely destroyed me. We met at work, at the beginning, he was super charming, sweet, attentive. He was a line cook, so he always make sure I had eaten during my break and if I hadn't, he would cook something for me. It took me a while to agree to go on a date with him because he wasn't my type at all. The day before our first date, he texted me all day, wanted to know everything about me. During our first date we were talking for hours and he seemed to really enjoy listening to me. I felt comfortable with him, because I have ADHD and I ramble a lot so I am very self-conscious about that (I did make the mistake of telling him so). We ended up sleeping together that night. Two days after that, he started showing really shitty behavior. He had me waiting for him for an hour after work really late at night, only to show up with his friends and make fun of something he had previously said he found adorable about me with them. When I pointed out that I had been uncomfortable there with his friends, he got really passive-agressive with me. It was supposed to be a casual, fun fwb situation. I did not want a relationship, I made it clear from the beginning, and he would repeat it all the time. Yet, he acted like he wanted one, 'joking' about meeting my parents, talking about making future plans with me, about possibly forming a bond, sharing small bits of his trauma and insecurities with me. Thing is, as much as he said he cared about me, he never acted like it. I had to chase him all the time to see him, and every time I pointed out he did something upsetting, he would blow up. All while taking every insecurity I had shared with him (that he always said actually thought were charming quirks of mine) and using them against me. I know he has painted this picture of himself with other people that I wanted a relationship with him and everything is my fault, but all I ever did was caring about him as a friend, putting the sex aside. He was fired from our job, I helped him find a new one. I also helped him and his best friend look for a new apartment since they were going to get thrown off from his. I supported him, but never once responded to his romantic words or said anything remotely romantic to him. I would always politely laugh off his advances. He was hot and cold all the time to me. He told me everyone at work was out to get him, that no one except for one of his friends was to be trusted. I was new there so at the beginning I was wary of the others. He even told me I shouldn't bother baking a birthday cake for this sweet, old coworker lady we had because 'those people are unable to love anyone'. He also thought he was the only real one, that everyone around us was fake and he was the one putting the most effort at work (he really wasn't). Two weeks ago, I had been trying to see him in person to talk everything through. He kept cancelling and saying it was my fault because I didn't want to talk these things through text, so I ended up texting him what I wanted to talk through. And suddenly he was not wanting to talk through text and wanted to meet. I told him it was important to me, that I was having a very rough time, and yet again, he cancelled last minute, saying he was tired and going to bed. That night one of my friends saw him out with another girl. One of my coworkers said he approached her the same way he did me at first. I am going to therapy now because he took everything I loved about myself and made me hate it, think I am nothing but an annoyance and a waste of space. He once asked me how did I love myself so much, at the beginning of the situationship. My therapist says he might have been a narcissist, and although I know I did nothing to deserve his abuse, part of me can't help it was something I did, that it was my fault. Do you guys think he could have been a narcissist?

1. One day you wake up and your husband/wife/partner isn't there. Instead there is this other person who looks just like them but has a different personality. They may be condescending, arrogant, critical, argumentative, cold and unaffectionate. They says things that are mean spirited. You can't connect with them bc emotionally there is no one home. It's like your real partner has gone on vacation and all you want to know is when they're coming back.
2. This imposter partner is extremely passive aggressive, provoking you continually with their behaviors and even their facial expressions. They do this in order to hide the fact that they are antagonizing you. It's like a screen of plausible deniability. I can tell my husband is in this mood just by his eyes and especially by his tone of voice, which becomes very calm, as though he is the reasonable one. This particular tone is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like a red flag in front of a bull.
3. All of this seems designed to provoke you and to get you to react. The bigger your reaction the better. Then they can point to you and say that you are the problem, and treat you as though you are a crazy person who needs to be shut down with the silent treatment.
4. Once they have provoked you to anger or some other reaction, they will move on to the silent treatment, and they will bring it out after making you understand that you brought it on yourself by not sitting passively and compliantly while they were antagonizing you and treating you badly. My husband likes to do this by announcing suddenly that he is going to sleep and I better leave him alone. Meanwhile I'm left with unresolved anger, hurt and intense anxiety for hours til the morning.
5. All you want is your partner back and for this imposter to go the hell away and not come back. But the imposter may stick around for days, so that you feel bewildered and on the edge, angry and in pain, for days.
6. They may insult you or make threats to end the relationship
7. Defending yourself or using logic/fact to counter what they are saying about you, is not allowed.
8. You realize that they have the capacity in them to completely ice out another person, to ignore you and deliver the silent treatment. To suddenly announce they are going to sleep during an argument that they started, or to (even worse) jump in their car and leave, as though your bad behavior is making them do it. Then they refuse to tell you where they are going or when they're coming back and they don't answer their phone. They do this knowing your abandonment wounds from childhood are your biggest trigger.
9. Then one day the imposter is Poof! gone. Your partner is back. They are loving, caring, present once again. You are bewildered but you go along. What happened felt like a bomb going off in your chest and you don't know what to think or what to do. You wonder if you feel this way because you have just been subjected to emotional abuse.

***Does any of this sound familiar?***

If I'm having a problem with another person, or I have a complaint about a third party, even a faceless company, my husband of two months has an irritating habit of playing Devil's advocate, or simply not being supportive the way I am with him. He doesn't seem to realize he's doing it and is surprised when I get annoyed or upset.

I am an adult child of Narcissistic parents and have had previous relationships with Narcissists. For this reason I have been extremely cautious and alert to who I've gotten romantically involved with. This Devil's advocate thing reminds me of something Narcissists do.

He is on the spectrum and so the lack of empathy I see in this could be attributed to that.

It doesn't matter what kind of thing I am venting or complaining to him about, he will often make excuses for the other party, or minimize what they did. He is always able to see their point of view but not mine. Instead of validating me or being supportive, he will instead put the spotlight on me and make my behavior or feelings the focus. I will be told that I need to change such and such that I'm doing or thinking and handle it differently. He won't acknowledge that what the other party did was wrong or that I am right to be upset by it. Note that he vents to me a LOT about his job and his boss and I am always on his side, always supportive.

He even sympathized with my cousin's longtime girlfriend who I don't like. She is one of those women who was a Queen Bee in high school and never grew out of it. She was full on Mean Girl to me once when I was a guest in their home, talking behind my back so that their big group of friends began giving me icy looks and ignoring me. I ended up leaving early. Now they are getting married and she's planning a big fancy wedding and I am the only one in my family who hasn't gotten a Save the Date card. On hearing all of this my husband made excuses for her (someone he's never met) and wouldn't ever directly validate my feelings about how she's treated me. He always frames these kind of comments as being helpful and listening etc. Instead to me they display a lack of empathy.

There is a woman I suspect to be a Narcissist in our co-living rental home. She is always around, a retiree in her 70s, and has been a thorn in our side for weeks bc she is a bully and a food thief. She and I began butting heads quickly bc I would tell her no and refuse to respect her imaginary authority over everyone in the house. During all of this, and even after the Narcissist and I had an argument while my husband watched, he was friendly with her. Yesterday I found him chatting with her in the kitchen and it really bothered me bc it felt disloyal, like shouldn't he have my back on this? Not that he has to be rude to her but being chatty is going to make this woman think that I don't have an ally in the house and embolden her.

I told my husband how much his friendliness to her bothers me, in light of everything, and here again was a lack of empathy. Even knowing it bothers me, and why, he said he wasn't going to stop and he thought he was doing the right thing. Again the spotlight was put on me instead of this woman and he gave me unwanted feedback on how I could improve my behavior with her. I ended up feeling like I'm on my own and like I'm the problem. The support was not there. His feedback was given in a helpful, positive tone which was especially irritating.

People who play Devil's advocate, or who withhold validation when a third party has upset or wronged you, can be infuriating to deal with. For me this kind of thing makes me feel invalidated or undermined, especially when it's a spouse doing it.

Do you have any thoughts on this? What are your experiences with people who play Devil's advocate, or who can't be relied on to be supportive and empathetic when you tell them about a third party whose upset you?

I (28M) met this girl (27F) about 3 months ago. In the beginning she appeared very enthusiastic towards me. I also gradually fell in love with her. About 1.5 months ago, I told her that I really like her, and wanted her to be my girlfriend. She was quite hesitant, and said "no".

We had a long conversation (several hours) talking about our past relationships. She told me that she was quite hurt in her last relationship, and she doesnt have the ability to have an intimate relationship. She was an anxious partner (if you know about attachment styles), and her ex was an avoidant, suspectedly a narcissit as well. She was emotionally destroyed, and went to therapists for about half a year. Fwiw, they were together for 8 months or so, and they broke up one year ago.

I myself have a secure attachment style, and consider myself as an emotionally stable one. I also had an 1.5 year relationship with a fearfully avoidant partner, so I kind of understand how the mindset of insecure people works.

She wanted us to continue being friends, saying she enjoyed my companion. I wasn't sure if she actually likes me, and I took her "no" as a no, telling her that I had to protect my own feelings. We had a proper farewell, and we didnt contact each other for about a week. I was in great pain, but was able to manage it.

About one month ago, coincidentally, I found that although she rejected me, she was also in great pain. I realized that she might also likes me (although she never directly admitted). We started talking with each other again.

Now that I understand this is a tough situation. I still like her a lot. I read some posts in this place, and realized how horrible an experience it is to have been with a narcissit ex. I also noticed that she has some fleas from her past relationship, but I guess those are not red flags.

I still wish to establish a supportive and loving relationship with her. Can you give me some advice on how you would want to be treated if you were in her position? Shall I take patience and move forward slowly, or (understandably) you think I should just give up?

Am I the problem?

My GF dumped me a few days ago. I am killing myself wondering if I’m a victim of emotional abuse, or if I have a personality disorder myself. She’s definitely either a covert narc or BPD, and I’m wondering if I fit into the cluster B somewhere, because I’m looking back at some of my behaviors in the relationship. Times I wasn’t empathetic towards her crying, towards the end especially, I was really upset because I just wanted to feel heard. I would feel like she blamed it all on me, then the next day wake up, be upset, showing my ass and say nasty things to her over text because I felt like she didn’t care. I would be at work texting, she would be responding and I would take everything as an attack. Then, when I got home and re-read it. I felt as if I was crazy for saying those things sometimes. I felt paranoid of her cheating, (zero evidence) I would constantly ask her for reassurance, I would get paranoid of her friends talking bad about me because of some of my behaviors in the relationship, and thus freak out over it. Our relationship was explosive, off and on. Just about every week was a huge, blowout fight. I can’t remember all arguments, but I know from my perspective, I just want two people to be able to talk and bring their feelings to the table and understand eachother. I gradually got more and more depressed, lower self esteem (I’ve always had low esteem but was doing fairly well before her) and lost my friends, my hobbies and even some family. This was over the course of a year, I was single for a year, dating around after a 6-7 year marriage with someone who was definitely narcissistic. Cheated on me the whole marriage, including with my best friend of 15 years, who I cut off because of it. She became an alcoholic and just became an absolute mess. I got sole custody of my 3 kids because of it.

I wonder if I have a disorder like BPD or narcissism now, because I feel the need for validation right after this relationship. Why do I feel the need to immediately get out there?

Also, I have had a porn issue since a young age. I’ve lied about this issue, I’ve kept it a secret. I’m lustful and now I see that clearly. Ive lied before to exaggerate accomplishments, to make me feel better than I am. I thought that was the sole reason of my relationship destroying, but now I realize after watching some YouTube she DEFINITELY had some BPD or narcissistic personality going on. This girl had a rage like nobody’s business, and my lying ass made it so much worse once she found out (like two months ago). I can admit I crossed that boundary that we set in the relationship.

I’m so ready to get into therapy, better help isn’t finding my therapist fast enough after signing up today because I’m feeling so much anxiety over the fact I may have a cluster B disorder or something? Like am I unintentionally hurting people by splitting on them or something? During this relationship I felt an INTENSE fear of abandonment, but at the same time wanted out so badly, I had a bad feeling about it from the start and so I feel like I went in somewhat halfway in the beginning, only to fall in love more over time for some reason. I would tell her to leave if she wanted to treat me that way, I was paranoid of her taking my car somewhere, or my credit card during these breakups because I feared her ruining my life by putting me in debt or taking my only vehicle big enough for my 3 kids. I was breaking up with her a lot more in the beginning of the relationship when she had meltdowns and would get nasty. Towards the end, it was me sometimes but mostly her. Idk guys. I feel like I care so much about others peoples feelings sometimes, but sometimes I also feel numb, disconnected from my emotions.

I’ve hated my addiction for a long time, and shouldn’t have lied about it. I felt awful, I began to see how porn can alter your mind, make you ungrateful towards your partner, how it can make your gf/wife feel. So I’ve started to try and get stronger with God yet again. I was close with him before her, and although she wanted to go to church with me and said we need God, I fell from him during this relationship and fell back into my addiction. The shame keeps me away from him. Im ready to get help for this as well in my life and understand it’s not something I need to bring into my next relationship.

Can anyone tell me anything?

Advice pls

This might sound like a rant and it's honestly not my intention. I have a best friend who over the holidays has started hiding things from me and ignoring my messages. She recently stopped doing a Snapchat streak with me and when I tried to talk to her she would reply with 'okay' or 'good'. I heard from another friend that she apperently she doesn't want to speak to anyone which is fine and understandable. I asked her if she was okay and she just replied with 'yh'. Let me just say that when we started being friends she would treat me horribly and say that 'i give her bad vibes' or that I apperently gave her weird looks. She only started being my friend when my other friend told her to stop assuming things of me but to talk to me instead. During the year she has had a lot of breakups with other people (mainly her fault) and I've stuck by her side, hugged her when she cried cos her crush rejected her. And now she is ignoring me . I'm a big over thinker so I always analyse the whole thing hence the long ass paragraph. I'm also going to be going college next year and she is going to. And advice will be helpful

My mother was emotionally detached as I was growing up, highly critical and controlling. I developed an eating disorder and later abused alcohol due to this. I could go on forever. I’ve always tried to please her and pander to her. I was happy to move out but the housing crisis hit and myself and my boyfriend were left with nowhere to go. My parents have a house in town and a house by the sea that they wanted to retire to. They offered that we could stay in the town house and my mum moved to the other house with my dad (she had been going between the two).

The problem now is that my mum has insisted on keeping her bedroom in the house here. She comes and stays over because she might have an appointment in the city etc etc. she’s constantly complaining about the drive in the road and gets her teddy bear to say “I want to go home” on the phone every time I call. I know that’s messed up. She refuses any money we try to give towards bills and us being here so now I feel really trapped. She’s always talking about death, dying, and both my parents said they expect me to look after them when they’re older.. so it feels conditional now being here. My mother has regressed into buying me things and the comments on my weight are back. My sister left and moved down the country, the crippling anxiety she suffered with while she was living with my mother is now almost completely gone. I feel stuck in this situation and beholden to my mother - I need to set better boundaries which I will do as I’m only waking up to the fact that this is happening again. I’m wondering should I look at moving away.. it’s extreme and we don’t have enough savings to buy another house here.

I ended the relationship with my narcissistic ex in April 2023 and established no contact in February 2024. The relationship was fraught with financial, emotional and physical abuse, but this only really started happening when we moved to North America from the UK and I left my family behind. It took a holiday home to the UK in April of last year to break away, and even then I don't think I emotionally disconnected from it until I managed to break off contact with him this year.

I don't regret breaking off the relationship when and where I did, but doing so from another continent did drag the breakup out. I was still trying to get sentimental possessions back from him (money and everything else was surrendered), but he held these hostage as long as possible.

Since the end of the relationship, I have been reading posts on this group to learn from others' experiences. This has been really helpful and I am really grateful to whoever created this group, and to all those who share on it.

I am now making a post of my own now to ask if anyone else still feels haunted by their narcissistic abuse, how they deal with it and when that feeling goes away. Admittedly, I am also venting some frustrations, too.

Thoughts of him and memories (good and bad) flit in and out of my mind everyday. It feels like that experience is the shadow of everything that I do. Everything relates back to that bit of my past.

Most of the time, I have no feeling when the thoughts or memories cross my mind. However, there are days where I wake up with an all-consuming rage - it really is an all-body experience. Exercise helps me cope but nothing makes it go away. I am so angry about things that he did to me and the fact that I never got to stand up for myself. I never told him that I knew what he was doing. I feel like he got away with it and he knows it.

Other days, I crave to know what he is doing now. It irritates me that a part of me is still curious, but in all honesty I do wonder. Sometimes, one of our mutual friends from abroad reaches out and asks me what I'm up to. They always ask about him (I don't believe they had any idea what was going on behind closed doors) and occasionally one of them will update me on his whereabouts. This always causes me to break down very suddenly. One minute I feel completely neutral about the subject - the next, I am experiencing all the confusing concoction of emotions that I used to feel in our house out there.

I do talk about my experience with some people, but I don't feel that I can ever articulate the extremity of how I felt when I was isolated with him abroad. I hate to talk about it, even if it is all that is on my mind, because it feels like he still has a grasp over my life, whilst he continues to live his without any repercussions. As I said, I only talk about it with a few trusted people (mostly my sister and my best friend) and I try to avoid doing this often, but somehow I find it upsetting that I am not able to fully share the experience. I don't want to dwell on it and I would like to pretend that it never happened most of the time, but privately I really want someone to understand and share my feelings with me.

I suppose I am putting this all up here to try and connect with some people who understand what I am going through. If anyone is a bit further down the line in terms of the healing process and could reassure me that the sense of 'haunting' eventually subsides, that would be great, too! Just any advice and your own experience would help me to feel less alone.

I have an off feeling about one of my close friends.

I noticed she tends to be very fake and have almost multiple different personas and personalities she uses to manipulate others. She's a graphic design major and we network together sometimes. We recently met a group of new artists that are super skilled - but they hate AI. She uses AI all the time in her work, and rarely ever makes anything herself (never makes fonts, graphics, backgrounds, etc. herself - all of them are AI or other peoples art). She uses AI in adobe, AI art, AI editing, and even AI to write text etc. for jobs she's gotten. But she is now making a ton of posts on how it's sooooo annoying the amount of AI tools recommended to graphic designers. And how she hates AI and finds it unethical, and how she does all of her own work. All of this only AFTER those new artists we met followed her. This friend literally held + was a spokesperson at multiple artist and graphic designer seminars on how she uses AI in her work, and her supporting the use of AI.

Here are other things she's done that I feel are off -

• Always is in close contact with her exes, despite having a bf of 3 years
• Somehow her exes are always messaging her and knows all of her socials, even ones her bfs dont know of that are supposed to be anonymous/stuff only us girl friends know of
• She copies people a lot - and I realized she kinda copied my life. She wanted to be a musician or actress growing up, but once she found out I wanted to do graphic design and go to art school ... she suddenly said thats always what she wanted. She also copied my fashion style, skincare routine, makeup, eating habits/fave foods and tries to look like celebrities that everyone says I look like. She does this with a new friend we met too.
• She's cheated on multiple partners, slandered them and spread lies and rumours about them. She also kinda gaslit her partners many times with her cheating. She even told one of her partners to just kill themselves already, and even gave them a tool to do it, when they confided in her. She told us it was because she "Knew they were faking it". They luckily didnt do it, but I remember them and how they were hospitalized and had many panic attacks after my friend did that. So idk ... I dont think they were faking it to be toxic.
• She always sub-posts about her current bf - she's made many posts that make it seem like hes cheated on her or done awful things to her. But we all know him and she sends us cute texts and things he does often - we've seen his phone and she has all of his socials passwords and email password. He's not cheating but she always hints to others and her socials that he cheats, and abuses her. It's weird. He has also started to look really unhealthy since he started dating her. He has dark circles, gained a ton of weight, seems more reserved and is very often sad + irritable. Meanwhile she is always happy-go-lucky and in an amazing mood. This put me off because when I was around narcs they always seem to be happier, healthier and glowing when they have a main supply source/partner to torture. Meanwhile the partner has less and less happy days.
• She always says people are jealous of her because she is so high-vibrational and more spiritually enlightened than others. Any time someone feels sad she says they are toxic and have negative energy.

This will be a lengthy post since I have to get something off my chest. I have an 8 years older step sister from my father's side. I always wished to have good relationship with her, and so did my father, but somehow always maintained the narrative that our dad abandoned her. Her mother's side was often turning her against us so I guess that's where the negativity came from. I was sadly not the type of person to set boundaries for the majority of my life, and always treasured the relationship more than my own mental health. This is why I was always welcoming her with open arms whenever she wanted to come back in to our lives.

When I was a kid I remember she insulted my mother because she's from the country side and threatened to hurt me due to some alimony situation. We haven't heard from her for a long time and then found out she got married and moved to another country. We reconnected when she had her first baby, I was so happy I was an aunt and had a sister again. But when she visited all seemed fine, until she got back to the country without saying goodbye, and she never again reached out. My father was broken. Later when she felt like it she reached out again to reconnect and my father was so happy, as was I, but this now started taking a special turn on me. My parents would come to see me perform at a show she knew I was having, and when I finished, they were nowhere to be found. I called them and they said, your sister said to come home ASAP so they could skype. I noticed my father prioritizing that relationship over me, and he was not present for me at my important age. I thought she might be doing this on purpose.

On one occasion I was invited to come visit her at her home for a longer period of time. I went and the things I endured there were so scary. It started by her mocking my speech, saying I don't have a city accent, but it got ruined by my mom's country accent. She mocked my make up, my favorite movie, or anything I liked. When I got into a deep conversation with her professor when she brought me to her uni, he said how good my major was and complimented my thinking, she immediately said ohh she's not that bright, but at least she's pretty. However, the worst was yet to happen, I've seen her manipulate her daughter to say things my sister wanted to say, she manipulated her husband into deciding to buy a new apartment. Manipulation tools she used were cutting pillows and couches with a knife, scraping walls with a knife and on one occasion she literally went on to balcony and threatened to jump from a 28 floor. My former BIL got so shaken and scared and I somehow knew she would not do anything to herself in that matter. On her birthday she just closed herself behind the door, sent me and the kids to their cousin and told my BIL to come pick us up. Since she knew he was with me, she started sending me horrendous messages like "I hate you, you're ruining my life, I fucking hate you.." etc.

Eventually I managed to stay there until the end of my visit, I didn't want to scare my parents, but I came back so depressed. On one occasion she asked me how I've been and for the first time I told her, well I have not been feeling well and she said "oh well, you'll get through it" and moved on to talk about her couches... She made a surprise visit then and I had my exams as well as a theater show scheduled in that period. She made me come take care of her late grandmother when she knew I had exams day to day. I'm still not sure why I agreed to it and endured it all, but she used manipulation to make me feel like shit if I didn't do it. When I told her we can't hang out because she knew I had a show, she threw a fit and told me that nothing should come between the family. She got distanced again.

After some time she got divorced and moved back to our country. Her ex husband reached out to me to inform me of it and said she really needs someone and asked me to reach out to her and to try and make things better. I told him she hurt me badly, but he said I know, but you just have to apologize to her so she can accept you... I reached out just to tell her that if she or the kids ever need anything that I can try to help them. I wasn't sure what situation she was in. She responded she doesn't need anything especially since I was not a good support. However after some time she did reach out and we did meet up again (I used to do it, no questions asked). She started using me to pick up her daughter when she felt bad, expecting me to disregard my work obligations. On one occasion I had a meeting and told her I can't do it and that's when she again accused me of not being a reliable family member. I did not even want to fix it at that point because she also attacked me for dating a person of another religion and she was strongly against it, so she started telling me neither my husband, kids or myself will go to heaven.

I never talked to her after that, but she reconnected with our dad. And when I was having a wedding, when she heard about it and my father said how beautiful it was, she started a drama about her son being hurt. When my dad tried reaching out to see how he's been doing, he discovered she blocked him. My father went from being so over the moon for the wedding to sobbing over her. I finally had enough of it and told him that if he wants, he can have a happy stress free life with his grandchildren here with me. But I don't want her in any of our lives anymore, because this only brought stress. He agreed although I am not sure if he'll ever break because I think he never forgave himself for how betrayed she felt, although there's nothing to be forgiven.

I finally learned to set some boundaries with her and others, and I'm happy for it, but I cannot explain how often I feel scared for what might happen in the future, and how often I get a flashback of this hell she put me through. There is not enough space and time here to cover the details and some other things that have happened, like serious fights insults and all that. During this time she always presented herself as a perfect female, beautiful, so much that the people would be left speechless, summa cum laude student, and all that. I sometimes felt she maybe ups herself like that because deep down she knows she's troubled, but throughout some conversation with my therapist it looks like these are all coming from somewhat of a narcissistic source.

I thank anyone who read through this, and any advice on how you actually dealt with this post-abuse feeling is very much appreciated.

I just ended a 14 year old friendship and the reaction I got made me think that I really might've been friends with a narcissist all this time, without really considering it.

Historically I've had all sorts of issues with her - She declined coming to my graduation saying she can't stand watching others graduate while she's nowhere close to getting her degree; She got mad when I asked her if she wants to start going to gym with me while she struggled with exams, I apologized for being inconsiderate, but she wanted a break, and a year later when we reconnected said that we would start speaking sooner if I were brave to reach out to her (I felt it's not fair to throw it all on me); When I was working as intern, had band gigs almost every week day and had my master studies classes daily, she got mad thinking I'm prioritizing my then boyfriend that I just started dating, so she got distanced again (until she started getting more serious with her own boyfriend).

Now I don't think I'm a perfect friend as well, and to be honest even with all these things, I never wanted to terminate our friendship because I felt sorry for all the years we had, and I felt it's important to have a friend (I was scared of being alone), which I figure sounds very selfish and makes me wonder at times if I'm the narcissistic one. We did have some good times of course, not everything was always bad. At the time when I was getting married we were on really good terms for a couple of years then and I thought our issues were finally passed us and that we were on to a good friendship. I asked her to be my MOH. During wedding and it's preparations, some things did happen but I didn't give in too much to it, I was just too excited. But now I recall when I was venting about parents and family having too much opinions, she would tell me I'm overreacting, it should be that way, she stole the photographer for a personal photo session, while we wanted to do a session with both of our families together, I only realized this after I got the photos and saw a whole bunch of photos of her and her bf. During my bachelorette party I had to calm her down because she was shaken from having an argument with another girl, and during preparations, she couldn't stand that my cousin and other girls were giving suggestions so much, that she reached out to me to vent about them not leaving it up to her (I didn't want to be a part of it). Initially she planned on taking me to a bachelorette night to a concert of HER favorite artist... Thank God that didn't happen.

However what actually made me want to stop everything is how she acted during my pregnancy now - She started talking about miscarriage as soon as she found out (saying she cares for me and wants me to be prepared for everything); When I was venting how difficult in some occasions it's been, she brushed it off, again saying I'm overreacting; She critiqued some of our decisions about renovating our new home; If I were to reach out with some cute update, she would mock something related to it so I felt bad for even sharing. Let it be known that she's a smoker and I did tell her that now unfortunately smoking in our home is not allowed, she jokingly said, "you can have this for this kid, but for the next one idc, you have to think how this is affecting me". The top on everything was when I called this out to her and expressed how I was feeling, she disregarded her impact, and said "it's not what I say but how you understand it, and I find it dumb to apologize for something I did out of good intentions".

After this we haven't spoken in a month and since she's planning her wedding now, and I was supposed to be her MOH, and I do have a life with a child to plan out, I wanted to have things cleared out, and decided that I don't feel comfortable in this friendship anymore and wanted out, even if it meant I was left with no friends. I reached out with a message, saying that I respect our years of friendship and am thankful for everything we went through but that we've parted too much and that I do not wish for us to turn heads from each other in public.

She started sending voice memos with harsh tone, saying that after all these years, she don't deserve this, and that it's stupid to end the friendship this long over difference in opinions. Although I wanted to leave it without any discussion I just felt the need to explain that we have been having opinion differences all our time together, so that's not the issue, the issue is how her attitude and comments have made me feel, and I explained some of those feelings. She mocked my feelings, laughing at the fact I said I didn't feel supported enough, accused me of being difficult for wanting to vent all the time (although we both wanted to vent all the time, but that's not the point); she constantly pointed out that it's so surprising I'm doing this only because I MIGHT'VE taken something she said the wrong way, which is where I figured she'll never be held accountable for her words. Ultimately she asked me if she was so bad at support why did I come to her all the time. This was really a legit question to which I had no better explanation but to say that I felt bad to end the friendship because all that we endured and that I didn't want to loose a friend. She then started saying I was so selfish for dragging her only so I could have a friend and drop her when I didn't. She said I should feel ashamed, and that you cannot start new chapters in life by cutting out previous chapters and that you can break a friendship in teen years, but you cannot break it when you're close to 30s. She said no one will actually stand me like she did. And as she kept saying how this is impacting her I said, in all honesty, this is not about you, this is about how I'm feeling and it's not good, it's negative. That's when she told me, all you talk about is you feel this way or that way, let me break it to you - the world does not revolve around you. The first time I say how I feel my feelings get discredited...

I decided to not engage into further discussion, and I stand by my decision. Do I regret not ending the friendship 8 years ago when the first issue happened? YES! But I also don't think I should be biting my tongue for the entire life just because I didn't end this friendship now.

Even though my reasons might've been ill, I still gave so much for this friendship. I was there for her for every big decision, when she struggled and wanted to change college, even when I was short on money I would make a present for her birthday, and yesterday I realized I never got a present from her. Only once she got me a present as a part of one group. I rooted and screamed for her when she was a valedictorian, and she couldn't come watch me graduate. Lastly, if you don't want to reach out and ask your friend how she's been knowing she had a risky start of pregnancy because you felt called out for your words, and your ego got in the way, how did she think I would react IF sometimes she was to reach out and ask me how I've been out of the blue after all the time.

I know it's a lengthy post, but this is just too fresh, and her words did mess a bit with my head and understanding of myself as a person. I'm not doubting the decision to cut her out, but I am doubting what kind of person I am because how I acted with her for all these years.

I(20M) and my sister(22F) both still live at home. Our father just passed away and our mom could use the help, plus I'm in no financial state to move out. I help with bills and groceries, and help Mom with work communications because we work at the same place. My older sister, we'll call R- not so much. R wastes her money on random shit and doesn't help. She has a 1 year old boy who basically spends all his time with our sister(we'll call her Rh). Rh basically is the main reason our nephew is alive, as she is contantly feeding, bathing and changing him. R was supposed to pay her for babysitting and take him back when she gets home from work. Instead she never asks for her son and leaves him with Rh until she's ready for bed.

This brings me to last night. R has an ex bf that we'll call J. Mom told her explicitly that she doesn't want J staying at her house. R brought him over anyway. If it wasn't for my nephew, Mom was about to throw her out. Mom contacted our oldest half-sister, S, who is very protective of Mom. They are only 16 years apart and S went through hell with Mom so she won't stand for Mom being disrespected.

I'm at a loss of how to get it into R's head that shes fucking up everything for herself. She's always been self-centered but this is a new low. I'll take any advice bit I needed to get this off my chest.