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I have a few friends with BPD. We got boundaries, we got love, it’s a good vibe with them. I was hanging out partying with a couple of them last night, and one friend with BPD in particular that I hadn’t talked to since I was a hot little teabag steeping in new relationship energy with my ex with BPD gave me some perspective:

I told her that I was going through it with the breakup and suffering through the trauma bond and trying to make sense of what happened with my ex, and my friend was like ‘what? I thought you already knew [your ex] had BPD by how you were talking about her last time--the trauma dumping, the traveling the world fucking on different continents after 3 weeks of dating, the dissociation and identity problems…’

I was like ‘no…no, none of that had connected in my mind to the possibility that my ex might have had BPD…’

My friend with BPD then informed me how any attempt at reconciliation with my ex with BPD would eventually, indubitably engage my ex’s protector-self, and that the protector-self would make ensure my life becomes a hellscape of emotional terror and suffering in order to protect my ex’s babygirl-ego, and that accepting that my ex is gone and to go no contact is the way to keep from hurting myself more than I already hurt. I sat back in my alcohol, weed, and psychedelics haze processing what she was saying…

The next day I can say:

Fighting fire with fire, BPD FTW! What a key informant my friend is, from behind enemy lines!

I’m still devastated by my relationship—it was heaven and ecstasy when it was good, anxiety and revulsion when it was bad, grief and mental illness now that it’s over, but this was an interesting talk I had last night, and I’m closer to the acceptance stage of grief.

Our relationship has been over for months now. I don't even really find myself sad or crying about it. I just can't stop thinking about it. My brain is going in loops trying to find answers to explain this relationship and make sense of everything. No matter how much I read up on it, nothing gives me a satisfactory answer. I think the crux of it is how can you claim to love someone so much, plan a future with them, and at the same time do awful things to them? It's not love, but it felt so real, so powerful. None of it makes sense. I hope one day I can move on and stop wishing things would work. I made a huge list of everything they've done to remind myself. I even asked my therapist if I made the right decision to leave and she said, "after everything you've told me, if you had a friend that went through that what would you tell them?" That really resonated. Still, I can't get them out of my head.

We broke up at the end of August.
For the better part of 3 months or so all I did was try to get her back.

I did literally everything to prove to her she was the one. I gave all my time and attention and energy and scraps of what the relationship we had was until she slowly faded out.

She would hangout with me and things would be perfect and then we'd have a couple days apart and she would say she couldn't do it, cuddle me and tell me how much she loves me one day then 2 days later threaten to call the cops if I don't leave her alone.

I am just at a loss.

We are at another time where she has decided we can't hangout. She wanted to talk, but she can't hangout. Yesterday we watched netflix virtually. We both had no plans, and she just couldn't see me.

She swears she's not seeing anybody else and part of me believes her while my gut tells me something fishy is up.
I just cannot believe how broken I am. I am so confused and distraught and my mind is just in a sinkhole of depression.
I really loved her.

The last message I sent to her I outlined my feelings and that I needed to not be in contact with her. I told her to show up if she changes her mind.

Her response to me was. " I love you too, I hope I regret it".

Completely unreal.
What a wild ride.

If everything go faster with the new supply, will the cycle will be quicker too? Or it’s not related. I know every human is different but I want some perspective on this

My pwBPD had many romantic partners, they started very young, they would get into a relationship pretty fast, date for 5-7 months and break up, find someone else in a few months and repeat the cycle. And for me, as a dismissive avoidant, that's completely insane, i only had 2 boyfriends that lasted 2+ years. I couldn't do life like that and that makes me feel like i can't trust them at all, like who am i? just another one? I generally don't date, i just fall in love with people against my will sometimes, so everyone who knows me knows me platonically, i never let people know me in other ways, but the people who know my pwBPD know them romantically/sexually and that makes me feel so icky. They have been in therapy for some years now and they aren't like they used to, in these relationships they used to lovebomb the other person a lot, not give them space and act out of jealousy. Now they are more avoidant and their dream is to have a relationship that lasts and all of that but i just feel so uncomfortable about making our relationship public.

Were your pwBPD like this? And how did you manage to deal with that fact?

Would the following prompt you to tell the person you supposedly care about "A please would be really nice :)"

Context:

Said person and you aren't together anymore

You guys seem to be having a better time together as friends.. you visit the person, have sex with.. enjoy company.. you're both confused etc.. but considering going back. Feelings seem to be growing back..

One day you consider going visit the person again

Person says yes

Person says he/she is feeling depressed & weak that particular day.

Person says he/she is laying in bed but you can still come

Person at some point asks for the following:

"If you come.. you think you can bring black hot coffee with sugar?"

Would that make you feel like person is ordering you? would you reply back (all this by text btw):

" a please would be really nice :) "

Just wanna know if you think you would feel prompted to, given the context.

I just find it hard to be attracted to THAT

Thanks in advance.

I am leaving parties early to sit in my car and just fall asleep. I don't want to cry while dancing salsa. I think I am still in such a state of disbelief, even though she's been slowly and methodically discarding me over the past two years. We are in the process of collaborative divorce, and she's never around because she's cycling through her four kink partners (I only know what's on her shared calendar). It's given me space to just feel how much I have lost, how squashed my personality is, how surprising? freeing? to just have emotions and opinions and enjoy movies, songs, without the backlash of her oppressive opinion or need to control the environment.

And like yea how sad that I like helping people and have been pushed into this rescuer role, again, for years. She was my first real adult attachment relationship. I helped her through so much medical trauma, got her through transition and FFS, played nurse and housekeeper and everything just to get discarded when I decided to do a coding bootcamp (and so didn't have time to be her emotional regulator anymore). 

I don't even know how to tell people how sad I am when they ask. It requires such a long explanation, and even still I can't seem to get it all in, and then I feel like I'm info dumping because I am autistic and I have to watch for that. How did I end up in another relationship like this? I remember deciding so young to not be like or be with somebody like my mother (NPD), and I feel like it slowly snuck up on me over the course of 10 years, just being with another person who is so self-absorbed, who needs me to be their identity tool, and I just can't believe it happened again. I just want to be happy now that I can grey-rock my way through the end of this marriage, but I feel like I betrayed myself. I'm finally painting again. I know that's good, but I just feel utterly consumed by somebody who doesn't even know what food tastes like. What was the point of all this?

And I hate that I still protect her, that I am unwilling to spell it out for my attorney that she's uBPD because I don't want it written down anywhere in case it prevents her from getting trans healthcare. But what's the point of my values if they bury me?

Who here got out of one BPD relationship and found themselves accidently in another?

I have never seen it here on this forum.

First I must ask not to be judged. I have my bag of problems and actively in therapy for years. After four years of relationship I was badly discarded. There were two Hoovers after that each lasted three months.

I was in a very bad place, another one with Bpd traits, standard story here. I saw her with her boyfriend, unblocked her and in 40 minutes we ended in bed. I wanted her now as fwb.

She is financially sucking me but I let her now because sex. I feel like I am paying for great sex and I am fine with that, at the moment.

This is going on for 1.5 months.

During that time we agreed, like it is possible with her, that if something does not change we would be fools once more.

I started talking her about bpd I showing her that I know what she is going to do and what her conclusion is. I told her things that I know that she never told no one she was 😳. So she started reading about bpd.

I would support her in her relationship.

However last night she splitter on her boyfriend and ran to me.

We started talking seriously and analyzing the situation. I advised her that we should not have sex and that the best is that she goes to her boyfriend and comfort him. She decided to stay.

And then out of nowhere she started crying why do I hurt people that I love. It seemed really genuine to me. Naming her daughter and her partners. Like a real moment of empathy nad feeling sorry for doing bad things to people she loves.

I have never heard of that on these forums?

Any interpretation or similar experience?

Is there a place where we can meet other BPD survivors and potentially date/be friends with each other? I feel everyone who’s gone through this needs someone and we have one BIG thing in common we can connect on.

TW: Mentions of suicide.

It's scary how effective my ex is at manipulating any situation into a narrative where she was the one suffering. And I usually fell for it.

She had sex with another guy behind my back (many times, I believe. Said she "couldn't remember" if it was more than once). Explained it by telling me she was suicidal and had already planned how she was going to end it, and she acted recklessly because she thought it was going to be her last days and she didn't care anymore.

She'd tell me how she barely even remembers it because she was high and drunk and depressed. She'd explain it in a way where I would genuinely feel bad for her. I can't explain it, and I realise it sounds ridiculous. But she was a master manipulator and could talk her way out of anything. She'd talk about how much she's changed and how ashamed she is for acting that way. If I brought it up, she'd make me feel awful for "reminding her of all her past mistakes" and she'd fight with me.

Let me reiterate. She'd FUCK SOMEONE ELSE AND I'D END UP FEELING BAD FOR HER. And if I ever wanted to talk about it, she'd make me feel like an awful person for bringing it up. She could play the suicide card like a "get out of jail free" pass. I wouldn't be able to discuss my feelings on the matter because it would trigger her and she'd bring the conversation back to suicide (which was scary for me, given her mental state).

Every situation where she hurt me, she was able to justify and twist into something where she had no choice, or was on the verge of suicide, or she barely remembers, etc. I can't believe I fell for it.

She lived with me (rent free) for a year, constantly promising that she would start to pay me rent as soon as she was able to. I believed that and was willing to pay in the meantime until she "got settled". Never got a single cent of that. All lies. Made me feel bad for her, for earning less income than me. Always the victim.

I could recount so many situations like these, where I chose to believe her, even though her stories were inconsistent and her actions NEVER backed up what she told me.

Fuck, I feel so stupid. Sharing this here is embarrassing for me to admit. I should never have believed a single word she said to me. I feel so taken advantage of. Her promises, physical intimacy and love bombing made me believe her lies constantly. I am so mad at myself for being used in that way.

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. I have spent the last two nights on the futon in the basement.

We have two school aged kids, and I don't want to destroy their worlds. I've worked so hard to get them to this place.

Aside from my pwBPD's emotional issues, all is good in the hood. Bills are paid. I've got a great career. Kids are doing awesome in school, and they are growing into wonderful people. They make us look like good parents.

As all of you could guess, life with our pwBPD has its challenges. I haven't discussed it with them yet, but I am thinking about moving into the basement for the time being. My question is, "Am I an idiot?". Does this have a chance in hell of being sustainable, at least for the next 6 1/2 years?

I mean, I've cohabitated with this person for almost 21 years. How different can this be, right?

I know there will be hurt feelings and likely a full-on BPD hissy fit, I think I can handle that by now. But, after the dust settles, does this work for anyone? We've been acting quasi-normally to each other today, not acknowledging anything, as per usual. Hung out, had dinner. But, I don't want to go back to the same bedroom. I can't. The dynamic has to change.

As I am reading more about BPD, I'm getting a little worried. Am I setting myself up for failure and heartache? Everyone here talks about "supply" and how if I cut that off, they are just going to seek it from somewhere? I don't want to be romantic with them anymore. I just want to be like plutonic life mates, if that makes any sense. But, from what I read here, it seems like everyone is saying to cut your losses.

Anyway, just looking to see if anyone else has had success, however limited, with alternative living arrangements?

Thanks,

Futon Boy

Want to know about a specific situation also. Quiet bpd ex-situantionship told a mutual friend that he is dating someone new ( he generally keeps his love life low key).

I was kind of friends with pwbpd before he left me with no explanation.

I was pretty clear that I was interested, we kept going on dates and he seemed interested but never committed.

Now with the new girl he is already wearing a ring, sent a photo of him with his gf and told at least 2 times this mutual friend that he is dating someone. He keeps calling her wife already.

Maybe he just was not into me, but I really think he was. I think he discarded me because he was jealous of this mutual friend, who was interested in me at some point ( it was not reciprocal). Now he tells this friend that he is dating somebody and asks my friend about his dating life as well. I'm just shocked that I got discarded with no remorse and now he (who would not commit to me and who is usually discrete about his love life) is flaunting this other girl like I did not mean anything.

I 've been some months in NC with him, I've deleted my social media and only became aware he was with someone else some days ago.

Could this sign a hoover attempt ? I am so confused. Maybe I just was not the right person, but something seems off. Is this a rebound ? I was always nice to him, It baffles me how he replaced me like that.

Undiagnosed exwBPD. No words needed. I was trying to figure out what was happening to my dad in the ICU and she wanted me to call/text her back because we had a fight (she split) and I went home pissed off and scared for my dad passing away. He’s fine. I’m fine.

This forum/sub-reddit, the more stories I read of, the more I understand what happened and how. I am glad she split on me and left me. Even though it has only been a few days, I actually feel a lot better than before, only because of you. This forum and all of the contributors are a blessing. You will surely heal. One day you will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt anymore, that you have healed and that they will forever be stuck in the abyss of pain they constantly experience and cause themselves.

Godspeed to all of you.

So I'm just curious.....were there random red flags in your relationship that were unconventional or out of the ordinary...

I'll start.....

My pwbpd had a meltdown because I wanted them to get their own dresser after using mine as the only dresser for 12 years....I made them pick one out...I wanted my dresser back and it was financially achievable.

Absolute meltdown when I asked them to hang their jackets on their side of the closet instead of mine where there was no room and they had plenty of room.

Here is my question to Claude:

Acting as a counselor with experience in cluster B personality disorders, please review my question about my wife.

We are constantly dealing with some kind of issue. We have been married for 10.5 years and have two children.

My wife wanted to divorce me last summer and told me it was because I wasn’t meeting her needs, wasn’t showing up in the ways that made her feel loved and that she generally wasn’t happy in the marriage. She also stated she was bored.

We both separated last summer, attended individual counseling and began to rekindle our relationship.

We got back together in July of last year and things seemed to be great for about 5 months.

Then things began to change again.

Constantly she told me that I was not making her a priority, I wasn’t being a “loving husband” and I was hurting her deeply.

I am a loving husband and take our kids to school and pick them up a majority of the time, make most of the meals, clean the house daily and weekly, pick up groceries, do laundry and ensure my wife’s scrubs for work are clean and tuck our children into bed a majority of the time.

I buy my wife flowers on a weekly basis, and drop off love letters on her car at work to make sure she knows I’m thinking about her.

I ask about her day, ask how I can best show up for her and make her feel supported.

We still argue constantly. If I make a phone call to my friend, she tells me that I have prioritized him over her and that my actions are not that of a loving husband.

She constantly calls me sketchy and says I cannot be trusted. Her reason for this is because when our marriage was having problems, I reached out to family to vent and seek support.

She said I had breached her trust and could no longer be trusted. She has accused me of cheating multiple times although I never have.

She told me to quit my personal counselor or she would divorce me.

We will resolve and issue, or so she says, and then it is brought up many times in different and unrelated situations.

I feel like I’m going crazy trying to follow the path of our arguments. Often, one thing will occur and she will bring up multiple other things from the past as “proof” that she is correct about her feelings.

If I want to take some time to myself to go read alone at a coffee shop or work on my computer, she will often ask why I can’t just do it at home. When I tell her I’d just appreciate some quiet time and a different environment, she has called me selfish and said “you have 2 kids! What if they need your help?” Even if she would be home with them.

I’m often guilted during trips away for work or with friends that I could’ve spent the weekend with her and that’s what she would do but I made a decision to prioritize my friends over her.

She has told me I shouldn’t want to hang out with my friends until she feels better about our marriage.

She gets upset when I go out of town on a work trip and even though I was texting with her all day, she said I did not prioritize her as I didn’t call her on the phone. She then dug through our phone records and questioned me about phone calls to my friend that were months ago. She called me a liar and argued with me for hours about this.

I had a perceived “tone” in my voice a few weeks ago and the fight lasted nearly 45 minutes. She said my ego was in the way and I couldn’t take accountability for my actions. She said she deserved better than this and I should’ve known my tone was inappropriate and shouldn’t have done it. No matter how many times I apologized, it got worse and she continued to provide many examples of how my poor tone was rude and unnecessary.

She tells me constantly that I should read between the lines and she shouldn’t have to tell me certain things and I should just know them.

Her emotions seem to be “facts” in her head and there is no reasoning with her whatsoever.

When she’s upset, she will shut down, shush me, and put stipulations on how our conversation will go.

She told me I must express embarrassment and humility to her about my actions before she will engage in a conversation with me.

Sometimes when she’s upset, she will act as if I’m not there and ignore me or be very cold to me for days on end.

Does this exhibit any traits of BPD or NPD? I’m truly struggling to understand what’s going on

It feels really strange that this is sometimes used not to explain their behaviour, which I could understand, but to excuse it. Many have been through abuse in childhood and don’t use that as a license to harm others.

I find it extremely hypocritical when this is used to silence people who have been subjected to abuse by someone with BPD due to the manifestation of their disorder. Where is the sympathy for those they have hurt or abused? Do they not even consider that the people that pwBPD have harmed might have traumatising childhoods themselves?

To be clear I’m referring to instances where this type of discussion takes place outside of this sub.

I want to distance myself from my friend with bpd. It‘s not that I don‘t care about her but I just can‘t do it anymore. She has a drug problem and I‘m constantly worried for her safety which is emotionally exhausting especially since I can’t trust her and she sometimes lies to me about being clean. She always tells me how perfect and amazing I am and that I‘m her best friend and we‘ve only known each other a couple of weeks. She’s always so jealous of all my other friends and always wants to know exactly what I’m doing and whenever I don‘t text her back for a while she starts saying how horrible she is and how she wants to take something. I don‘t know if I should tell her to get professional help or if she‘s just going to get defensive or if I should just distance myself from her and always tell her I‘m busy. I just can‘t be responsible for the mental health of another person especially since I‘m struggling myself.

I feel like this is hindering my recovery

Here's a few reasons why I think I still stalk her social media

1. I was suddenly brutally discarded. This is somebody I talked to 24/7 for almost a year. Said good morning and good night and I love you everyday. We told each other about everything we did. Then suddenly they were out of my life. I feel like her social media is the only way I can still connect with her

2. I'm hoping she will apologize, or say something that shows she regrets the way she treated me.

3. I want to know if she's happier or more sad without me. So far it seems much more sad, but I feel bad for feeling happy about that

Throughout the relationship and post breakup, they participated in blame shifting, defensiveness, and projection whenever I called them out on their mistreatment and told them they hurt me. I know that they’ve created a justified narrative in their head and I also know that they know what they’re doing but does anyone have any suggestions or would anyone like to share their experience on how they were able to get their BPD loved ones to see that their behavior is toxic? I realize that the desire to change and heal is solely on them. I’m not on a mission to fix them but I do want to be supportive, just not sure how to go about that.

Childish, spiteful, hateful and revengeful. It’s almost like they were a parasite who worked their way into my life and was preparing for me to discard them the whole time once I realized their true self. It took her whole life to craft her mask and her image. The only way she survives is social media, flaunting her fake life and fake marriage. She thought becoming a doctor would fix her. But that too is just another mask. It is only to satisfy her own needs of importance, money, and power. She doesn’t want to help anyone. She can’t even help herself. I wish she was the person she presented to be. Because I really loved that person. But that person is not real. And that is the most heartbreaking part. I didn’t want to play her cat and mouse game so I discarded her only for a monster to emerge.

You could be the richest man alive, the most beautiful woman to walk this earth, and there would still be something that you don't have. There is always going to be some missing thing for them. Its merely only your turn to put up with them. You're about to see exactly why they can't keep people in their lives.

I’ve newly been posting here. I’d like to connect with others in this community who understand what it’s like when dealing with someone with this disorder and narcissistic tendencies. I keep questioning things and feel like having a supportive community of friends that understand will help tremendously. If anyone is interested in chatting, please let me know. I feel really lost right now. Thank you everyone and Happy Holidays! :)

I apologize for the overlap of this post and my last one. I’m mentally taxed. Did I mention today’s the first day I’ve cried in a year and a half over the blatant abuse. Today her “final” straw was the fact that I was a bit annoyed at having to spend hours vacuuming and steaming the linens and rugs and spraying indoor bug spray around the house because her cat has fleas. The fleas have bitten my 1 year old son really badly and the fleas are visible on beds and the tile floor. Her only participation in helping the flea situation was buying flea medicine for her cat when she could’ve been had the cat on flea prevention for years.

She said she’s so hurt and tired of me making her out to be so inadequate. I’m apparently never nice to her and she’s changed oh so much and I’ve changed nothing (I changed my career path and my partying lifestyle into growing up and maturing and figuring out a future for my son). She wouldn’t stop crying uncontrollably and “wanted me to hear the hurt in her voice.”

How do you deal with someone who just discards you so easily and walks away and wants you gone when you do nothing but try and try? Perhaps I’m trying for the wrong reasons because I don’t want to leave my son with her and I’m not there. It just feels wrong. But perhaps I can’t save him without saving myself.

The very first weeks/ months...

I think today is the first day I’ve shed tears as a 27 year old man over the just lackluster excuse of a partner I’ve dealt with for 6 years that I believe is a PwBPD.

She just never accepts that she hasn’t changed anything really. She thinks because she doesn’t go out for one night for her friend’s birthday because it’s always been a problem of her going to get drunk and being reckless that I should just be oh so proud of her. Meanwhile, I’m slaving away, working 2 jobs, spending hours cleaning a house that has fleas from her cat that she hardly takes care of. And I’m expressing how much I spent on cleaning the house and she acts like I didn’t have to do all of that when the fleas tore up my 1 year old son and I could visibly see them on surfaces.

But I’m a bad guy? I’m the abusive piece of shit to her and she HATES coming home so much and if I only could be so nice to her and I don’t appreciate her at all.

It’s all a croc of shit. I don’t believe in her anymore.

My ex discarded me last year to monkey branch just before Christmas. I wish I could get it out of my head, but everything I did became evil. I saw messages between her and her friends and family complaining about me.

If I wished someone in her circle a merry Christmas, I was "being creepy and desperate". If I wanted to talk and try to fix the relationship I was "pathetic and couldn't take a hint". When I gave her 100s of dollars worth of Christmas presents even after being discarded (because I already bought them), it was "awkward and made her uncomfortable".

This was after 3 years and looking at houses and engagement rings together. She treated me like a random stalker just days after deciding to leave.

A year later I still can't get over this. It hurts like hell. Sorry for ranting

How it go?