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I mean, it's not a question but a statement

They have been left aside, forgotten, discarded and abandoned too many times, like all their life while growing up

And probably / actually that happened because the parents were neglecting them completely

That's what neglect, and abandonment does to you

And this fear has become so large, turned into every day anxiety, plus become so intrusive, that they can't handle, help it

It's just eating them up

And you can't help that, with no reassurance

Like none

This has been trained and practiced, and developing for so many years

That to get it out of you, is almost impossible, while you still continue to believe your thoughts and the horror movies that they bring

But it's possible

But at the same time I understand what it is such a big issue for them, you can't blame them for that, for being broken on repeat

This is a rant, but maybe it will help some of you if you're going through something similar.

I had initially thought (because of 'pop psychology') that she was a 'narcissist', but after I had discussed the whole situation with my therapist, he said that she seems to be a 'classic borderline'... Either way, she is not diagnosed officially and she may just be an asshole, but after reading through posts on this sub, I've come to realize that she most likely truly does have BPD...

WARNING: THE POST ITSELF IS QUITE LONG so don't torture yourself by reading it if you don't want to.

I had met my best friend in college. We were acquaintances for a long time, but became very close in the year after I finished school as she had kept inviting me out to events. She was the sweetest person ever. She not only introduced me to her entire friend circle, her fiancee, but to her entire family as well. In the whole year from the moment we started hanging out until her wedding she had NOT ONCE done ANYTHING that would rise suspicion. I did notice a possible mean streak once or twice, but we all slip up sometimes, so I just brushed it off.

I had never had a close friend, only people I went out to lunch with. The cult I grew up in had taught me that hanging out with people outside our religion would take me away from God. By the time I met her, I had been an atheist for a few years already. But I knew that I had a problem with being too trusting and had had several people hurt me deeply in the past. I kept my walls up with her and didn't wanna let her in too easily. I didn't overshare. I didn't self-deprecate. I just was. I thought I did everything 'right'. But she still turned around and hurt me once I had finally let her in. I think this is why I got so pissed about the whole situation afterwards.

So, after the 'honeymoon' year we had, she got married to her fiancee. She asked me to be her maid of honour. I was ECSTATIC as I truly loved her as a friend. I also felt proud of myself as I interpreted her request as me 'having made it' as a member of broader society. I was finally 'normal'. And despite the shitty relationship and job that were weighing on me at the time, I still had my wonderful friend who would always be there for me. She had at one point even said to me that she 'would always protect me and love me and that I was her soulmate'.

So yeah. Some time after the marriage, I'd finally had it with my abusive boyfriend and I dumped him. (This boyfriend was not unlike my 'best friend' - he love bombed me first and then started devaluing me. They may have had different reasons for doing so, but they still did the exact same thing.) I wish I had done so sooner, but he was my first 'real' relationship. (My first boyfriend had a severe porn addiction and had consequently become impotent because of it, which made the relationship very... hard to sustain.) She flipped completely once I was single - which was weird because I was also single when we first became friends. After the breakup she wanted to meet up with me to 'offer me a shoulder to cry on', but then just interrogated me the whole time.

What happened next all went down in a span of two months. She couldn't stop talking about different men lusting after her (her professor, acquaintances, random men on the street). When we were alone, she suddenly started acting as though she was single, always checking who was looking at her and twirling her hair. She also started making small, hurtful jabs at me and came up with very creative backhanded compliments. She implied that my ex-boyfriend secretly liked her, continuously repeated that 'it was obvious that my ex never loved me', tried to set me up with men she knew secretly had a thing for her, even tried to invite herself to a blind date her husband tried to arrange for me. She obsessed over how 'good' or 'bad' the guys I was getting to know were (i.e. their physical appearance, job etc - she wanted to know everything). She then even started insulting the size of my breasts. I had, understandably, decided to cut her off.

However, my new boyfriend (who she didn't know about for a long time) told me to talk it out with her like an adult and I agreed as I thought that I had nothing to lose. People close to me also told me that people sometimes have a crisis after they get married (especially if they get married young - she was just 22 y/o) and that she would probably get over it. I didn't want to lose a (previously very good) friend if there was still a chance to mend things. Well, the talk did not go well. She was incredibly gracious at the time but (of course) deflected everything. Good old gaslighting. Then she became very cold towards me, but only when she knew we were alone/when we talked on the phone.

Soon after she and I had the 'talk', I had naively decided to give her a second chance and agreed to let her and her husband meet my new boyfriend. I suppose she really wanted to meet him as she had still been relatively nice up until the meeting. During the meeting she talked with a cutesy high-pitched voice and flirted with my boyfriend (in front of her husband) so aggressively that he had concluded by the end of the evening that the two were in an open marriage. (My ex-best-friend, ironically, had a habit of boasting that she is the most traditional/modest/hopelessly-romantic woman around...) At some point that evening the two of us were alone (the guys had left to get us something to eat) and she posed inappropriate questions about me and my new boyfriend's sex life. After I had diplomatically answered them she got annoyed and said that her boyfriend has an enormous penis and that she orgasms 6 to 7 times per round. She then clarified that she only told me that so that I 'would have realistic expectations for my sex life'. Talk about insecure.

After that meeting, I avoided her like the plague, deleted all my social media and decided to try and fade out of her life. (I think that made her split on me even harder than she already had.) I didn't want to make a dramatic exit, as I suspected that she may be a very vengeful person. But I had promised a mutual friend that I would come to a very casual birthday celebration of hers a month prior and I did not want to go back on my word. However, once I got there, the two women did a weird spiel talking about my boyfriend without letting me interject. I suspect they had made plans to do so beforehand, but even if they hadn't... my 'best friend' went 'off-script' either way. She literally couldn't hold herself back and said that my new boyfriend had a 'small dick'. The only person who even remotely tried to stand up for me was her husband. I stood up and left and blocked all of them immediately.

I thought that was the end, but two weeks later she suddenly started calling me from random numbers at ungodly times. I knew it was her, because who else would call at 8 AM on a weekday or on a weekend afternoon and then not leave a message if it was so important. But one fateful Sunday, my boyfriend picked up my phone, because he believes in always answering the phone no matter what. He didn't even recognize her by her voice but she immediately went and slid into his DMs after I had blocked that number too. In the DM she accused me of 'having used her for friendship until I got a boyfriend' and of me hurting her so severely that she NEVER wanted to have ANY kind of relationship with me ever again, but she reportedly still wanted to know 'why I had abandoned her'.

He poignantly told her that he was surprised that she had the guts to say that I was the bad friend and even more guts for writing to him after what she had said about his penis. She then started profusely 'apologizing' while also hammering home the point that I was the one who had 'misunderstood' her comment. But once he refused her proposition of another meeting, she flipped the script and said that she had actually never said that his penis was small and that I was the worst person she had ever met. That I would leave him too one day and that he would be sorry that he did not heed her warning.

My boyfriend then told me to maybe write to her one last time - to close the chapter, not for any other reason and I decided to do so. I tersely summarized the worst things she had said/done to me, but said that I still wish her all the best in her life. I also asked her to never contact me or my loved ones ever again. The reply I got was the most disgusting and hurtful attack on my being I had ever experienced. She said I am so rotten that she did not wish me well by any means. That I am 'intellectually impaired' for not understanding the things she had said and that she had NEVER insulted me once. She also got indignant as I had written in my message that I would rather have no friends than abusive ones and she tired her best to insult my very ability to be a good friend to anyone... I don't care to go back and re-read exactly what she had written, because I had managed to forget some of it and will hopefully someday forget it all.

That was the end of the 'fairytale' friendship. After a year of love bombing (or 'sincere' idealization, idk anymore), the relationship was irreparably destroyed in two months. However, she has kept the social media post she had once made for my birthday on Instagram and Facebook, acting as though we had never fallen out. In that post she, ironically, calls me 'the best person in the world'.

I hope she gets help one day. I hope her husband saves himself/manages to get her to self-reflect. And I hope she leaves me alone from now on. I'm tired, I truly am.

My girlfriend (F19) and I (M20) had a massive issue on the 28th October which lasted until the 30th October. It's resulted in her severely self harming and me nearly committing suicide and ending up in a psych ward. For context, we've been together for 10 months. She also has BPD and an intense fear of abandonment and has extreme emotional responses which she most often than not takes out on me in the form of snapping, shouting and screaming and the use of minor insults such as calling me retarded, or on herself by cutting herself or making herself vomit. Before I was in this relationship with her, I had a big problem with using porn which i'd consider was an addiction. When i fell in love with her and just before we got together i made a promise to myself to never use porn again. I had a conversation with her where i admitted to having previously been addicted to porn and that i'd stopped to improve myself and for us to have a good relationship. When we first got together she wasn't really exhibiting any of her extreme emotions. However, whenever she discovered i was lying, she would get really angry at me. This is my fault for not telling her the truth but i guess when i told these lies they just seemed so small. So i've had an issue with lying throughout the relationship. I guess i just often felt scared because i felt like whether i told her the truth or told her a lie either way she'd get super angry. But i'm aware i should have told her the truth. One time in March, i had a struggle where i self harmed and she responsed to this by doing a huge amount of ketamine, screaming at me and telling me i never cared about her and i'd done this because i didn't love her. It's true that she'd told me before that she wasn't comfortable with self harm but there was a context to me doing it, but i still regretted acting so selfishly. So in May, we were in a café and she was crying and telling me of her struggles. I was trying to listen, to give her advice and to tell her i was there for her but she eventually snapped at me and shouted that i was being too loud and announcing all her problems to the café. I started crying a bit when she did this and she asked me quite aggressively if i was okay. I tried to tell her that i wasn't comfortable with her snapping at me so aggressively but she told me i was making her problems about myself and that i didn't care about her. After that we shortly each went our separate ways and went home (we live apart) After which a massive argument happened and i just felt that the relationship was over and i was lost and helpless. I have a history of self harm so in an attempt to deal with the feelings i had i figured the least harmful way was to use porn again. Which is my biggest regret. This was the worst decision i could ever make, because i fell back into an issue of watching it once a week or every two, three weeks again for the next 5 months of our relationship. And i would lie to her about this like a fucking selfish idiot. And on the 28th we were away in France with my dad and we were staying at my grandparents. And my girlfriend was going through my phone. And she found that i'd admitted to some friends that i was overwhelmed by the relationship and that i'd used porn again and that i deeply regretted it. And she had a complete meltdown and became the most emotionally dysregulated that i'd ever seen her. I shut down completely and showed little to no emotion because i was just frozen in fear. I didn't want to admit to her that the type of porn i watched was of bisexual nature so i ran out the house with the intent of running away or killing myself. My dad eventually found me and pushed me into his car and we drove back to my grandparents. And non stop from the 28th to the 30th, my girlfriend was screaming at me, telling me i was a psychopath for showing no emotion despite the fact that she was crying. But i did still express a lot of empathy and regret and remorse and i still cried quite a bit. But she felt like this was fake. And she started insulting me in all the ways that she could, calling me a retard, a loser, a coward, hellspawn, that i'd ruined my parents' lives and hers, that i should never have been born, that i should cut off my balls. And i tried to apologise profusely in as much depth as i could but she didn't take my apology as an apology and carried on believing this was fake. She would then go on to cut herself on her left arm many times "for all the times i watched porn". She said it was all my fault, then any chance she got she would start punching me as hard as she could in the face and head. I didn't try to defend myself or fight back. Then on the 30th we had to go home to the UK. So we were driving for 6 hours with my dad, my grandparents and us two in the car because my grandparents were coming back with us for a bit. And despite my grandma being in the middle she would still scream and yell the same insults at me and she would still punch me. And when we were nearly in the channel tunnel and arrived at some bridge my dad had forgotten to put the child lock back on, so she screamed that she was going to kill herself and she kicked the door open and tried to get out. I tried to grab her but she tried hitting me again so my dad grabbed her. She was drawing closer to the edge so i screamed for help and security called an ambulance and the police. She was put on a stretcher and had her vitals checked. While we were in the back of the ambulance with two paramedics on the way to the hospital she carried on insulting me, saying that I was a faggot (i'm bisexual) and that i should just do myself and my family a failure and kill myself or starve myself again because i looked better when i was very underweight (i'm anorexic) at the hospital in the waiting room she would still hit me and insult me to this degree. And they eventually gave her sedatives with her consent. So we were able to bring her back to her accommodation in the UK because she's in the social care system and we told the social workers that she was at risk to herself. Then we went home. This incident had a severe impact on her mental health i know. I brought out her worst traumas by doing this to her. I lied to her which was a boundary she clearly stated. I should have never done this and i hate myself for what i did. What happened also had a profound impact on my mental health. The next morning i had an anorexia appointment and on the way to it i had the strongest urge to kill myself that i've ever had. I had a plan to jump in front of a train or overdose on my insulin (i'm type 1 diabetic) i just feel utterly hopelese and triggered off in my anorexia and depression in the worst possible way. And I know she's so deeply triggered too. I would never ever cheat on her with an actual woman but i know that using porn is basically no different and i've hurt beyond belief. And with her response she's hurt me beyond belief. I just don't feel safe around her anymore. And she won't trust me ever again. But no decision has been made and we haven't spoken at all since the incident. I'm so worried about her because she isn't eating or drinking but i don't see myself continuing this. It's just too much. I'm in a psych ward at the moment because of my suicidal ideation after what's happened. I don't know what to do. Neither of us will ever recover.

Ive been dating this girl for nearly 4 months now and i thought i could manage. I was wrong. Ive dated people with bpd before, im strong mentally, i thought i could endure for her. I really did my best. Yet now im at the lowest point ive ever been, she's really broken me.

over the past 48 hours shes ignored me, told me that shes hates me, said that she hates so many little things that i thought she loved. She told me i was nothing to her. she vanished, removed her location so i dont know where she is, slept at some strangers house, then went on holiday miles away without even making things up with me. Shes not apologised for what she said or did, just told me shes busy everytime i try to talk to her, just told me to F off. I did nothing wrong, i just tried to love her, but i guess i wasnt enough.

I tried guys, i tried so hard, but i really dont know what to do now.. id love some support, some advice, anything

I love my sister. I really do... but she is sick, and selfish. I posted here yesterday because of a bad fight and well, today was worse.

She went to take a shower but our dad asked to talk to her beforehand. He was going to take her downhill to go shopping (on his dime) and wanted to talk about what time. She didn't know what he wanted to talk about though so she just yelled at him to leave her the fuck alone. So, in turn, our dad says fine. We won't go downhill and go shopping and then he asked for some respect because he works hard to provide for her. That triggered her and she yelled she'd kill him. I told her to stop saying that and she then yelled she's going to kill us both. They both start yelling and arguing: he's tired from work, and he doesn't want to put up with her abuse like I try to when it comes to her verbal abuse.

I go back to my room and shortly after she follows me in. I'm working on my laptop so she slams it close. I tell her not to do that, and that if she wants to talk I will just don't yell at me. She yells more and then flips my laptop tray, thus throwing my laptop. I get up and try to show her the door to get her out (by opening the door behind her, didn't touch her). She shoves me, I shove her back. She starts yelling more and more. I tell her she needs to get out of the room or get out of the house, just get away from me.

Our dad then comes to the door and tries to open it so he can get her to stop verbally abusing me. She refuses, slams the door, tries to keep him out. He gets it open. She feels cornered because we are both standing there telling her to get out of the room. My sister then turns, punches our dad in the face, shoves him and slides past him, punches him again when he turns and then runs into the bathroom and locks the door.

She calls the cops and tells them we cornered her, we abused her for two days straight, and she's the victim. Police come and I tell them what happens. Our dad gives his side of the story. While we're talking, she gets in the shower. By the time we're done talking the police ask for her. I ask her through the door to get out of the bathroom. She yells I'm a fucking bitch and refuses to.

Cops then ask her out and she asks why, drags her feet but comes out. She then stops her yelling and puts on her nice voice and asks why she's being arrested, when she is the victim. "he's bigger than me, he assaulted me".... but our dad is the one with the punch mark and blood speck on his face. She starts yelling at me while she's handcuffed, saying I know she's right, she's the one being abused, we abused her for multiple days straight.

I signed the witness statement. Our dad is pressing charges. They took her away, and said she'd likely be out in a few hours. I'm just.. so tired. I don't want to enable her abuse. I really don't. and I put up with her yelling a lot. I ask my dad over and over again to just not talk to her because she gets mad over the smallest things, but I know that isn't even fair of me to ask. She was annoyed and wanted to be left alone, and I can get that to some degree... but then to scream the stuff she did and punch our dad in the face? to shove me? to throw my laptop? Man... come on.

I wish she wasn't sick. I wish she didn't hit him. The entire argument her pupils were huge. She just wouldn't see reason.

Why we attract them/why we are attracted to them

Having gone through and working through some therapy, it is clear that I attract people with this disorder. Maybe some of you can relate - but having codependent tendencies and empathetic traits; combined with a lack of self worth/self value; wanting to fill that hole in our chests with someone who makes us "feel" good, makes us primary targets to people with this disorder. A lot of us were raised in unstable households, and it is that instability that makes us feel comfort in the chaos - because it's familiar to us. This exact "chaos" is what someone with BPD will bring to our lives.

The cold hard truth is - we ignore the early onset red flags; some absolute gigantic ones that any other person would run from. Because a normal and healthy person, likely by the second or third date with a person experiencing BPD - would run. Instead - like moths to a flame, we get roped in with the idealization and love bomb phase of people with this disorder; and the chaos that brings to our lives.

In short; they make us feel a way other (more normal) people do not. Trauma bonds feel familiar to us.

My 8 month experience dating a Person with BPD

From the first time I saw her, I was attracted to her "energy". I can't explain it fully; but it was almost like I could feel some sort of energy radiating from her. She looked at me in a way other women didn't; the "vibe" and "energy" between us felt like fire. Almost like a common-understanding, without there being any reason for it. Almost like, we had met before, but in a different lifetime. I can't really put exact words on it; but I felt like I was drawn to her.

From the first date; she brought chaos with her. Her "abusive" ex was spam calling her the entire time on the date. Through our conversations she opened up about some of her trauma's; she had opened up about her previous sex life with previous partners; but the depth of the conversation was on her "abusive" ex. She made me feel like she was "confiding" in me these things, that she had chosen me to confide in, that I was "special" enough to her to do so. Throughout the date we shared both of our experiences dating previous people; I had just came out of a relationship with a woman who had diagnosed BPD, and the same energy I had "felt" with her, I had felt during this date. It felt familiar, and it almost felt like I was healing through spending time with her. In reality - the same dopamine highs/low addiction my brain was healing from, was just being reactivated here; through that familiarity. Like an alcoholic, being reintroduced to alcohol - I was getting my fix.

It had been a year since I had got out of that relationship (which had lasted 2 years) and I was still in counselling and healing from it. I felt safe to confide that in this woman, because she had opened up to me about her previous ex. The same guy who was spamming her phone through the entire date.

When I went to drop her off, she had a fear that her ex might have been in the parkade (where she had parked her car) waiting. She had explained to me that he was physically abusive, that he had attacked her, assaulted her, stalked her and refused to "let her go". When I dropped her off we kissed, and the kiss felt cold; almost like it lacked something (genuine desire). I brushed it off thinking maybe the "energy" just wasn't there (even though I felt like we had it during the time we had spent together). As I was driving down the parkade, she called me in distress telling me her ex had just tried to break into her car after she got into it. I didn't see him that night at all, but I believed her story. In reality - this "ex" had been stalking her, and I did see him show up later in the future trying to get back with her. I gave her advice to go to the police station and report it; and stayed on the phone with her until she got home.

Right from the start - from the first date - I was introduced to this "chaos". Now there is no excuse for this kind of behavior in a relationship from an "ex" - but I also wondered what had provoked her ex to behave this way. When she would tell her story about him, she always painted herself as the victim; without seeing "cause and effect" towards her actions. I do not condone any form of what her ex was doing at all - period; but she refused to see how she played a role in staying in that relationship; or in creating some of the situations she found herself in with him. I obviously found out later on why this "ex" stalked her so heavily. During the "break up" periods with him, she was still sleeping with him. Less than a month and a half prior to her going on that date with me, she was in a hotel room with him after breaking up with him - having sex with him. As "bad" as her ex was for the things he was doing; he had reason to believe she was still interested in him by the way she had been push/pulling him through her behavior (which she would refuse to ever recognize or acknowledge). When you end a relationship with someone - it should be over; but people with BPD (as we know) hoover and refuse to let go of their favorite person (supply source) until they have found a new favorite person (supply source). I do not believe there is any justification for her exes behavior and what he was doing - and I want to make that clear; but when you attract people with dysregulated emotions; and you mess with their heads; not every person is going to respond the same to it. He was obviously addicted to the highs/lows of her and that relationship - and was not coping with that properly. As wrong as he was for the things he did to her - she played a role in creating that chaos and situation she was in with him. She would refuse to acknowledge or take any responsibility for her role in that.

I would sit for hours with her on the phone talking with her about her ex. I later found out she was confiding in other men about what she was going through with her "ex" too - so in reality I wasn't "special" this way. I later applied boundaries here when our relationship started. Still I gave her my advice, I listened to her, I provided my insight to it, I explained coping strategies and ways to deal with what she was going through, I provided "protection" by walking her to her car and ensuring her safety at work. I was there for her. I felt like I was "in it". She wanted to show her ex she was moving on; but more so, she wanted to feel safe and protected from him (that is what she sold me). The scary part? Her ex had guns. I was risking my life doing this; or at least that is what I was told by her.

Now let's talk about the sex. As most of you know, sex with a BPD person isn't like sex with other people. The sex me and her had was crazy, out of the world, insane. I won't go into too many details; but most of you probably know what I am talking about. It's almost like they "use it" to create that attachment. The first time I had sex with her it was wild; but after the sex had finished it missed that "emotional" component to it too. She was ice cold. We slept distantly, and I didn't hear from her until a day later after. This was the first time I started noticing the "hot/cold" response from her. She told me she didn't trust men and that I was the first man she had sex with after her ex and she didn't know how to cope with those emotions; but that it felt "freeing".

The next real red flag was when she kept asking me if I was going to go on a date with another woman during valentines day. I told her "no". Later to call her up on valentines day and find out she was going with another male coworker in the background. At this point - going through what I had gone through in the past; I ended the relationship with her immediately. We spent almost 7 days of no contact after, until she reached out to me explaining that nothing had happened with this male coworker, that she was sorry, that it "wasn't like that" and so on. That she had regret for even doing it. I fell into it and believed her (my mistake). This was also another sign - she was projecting her own behavior on to me.

As time went on I applied some solid boundaries; which were the same boundaries she had on me. Throughout the duration of the relationship, I would find myself routinely being compared to her ex (constantly). I found a lot of hot/cold behavior throughout the months; we would argue occasionally, but she would always try to convince me that she was "the top 3%" and would never "leave me". She told me she wanted to be "different" for me and wanted to prove to me that good and healthy relationships exist. She knew where to hit me, because she knew the style of relationship I had come out of. She mirrored me. I found myself always being accused of lying to her. If I talked to any "woman" it was a problem; yet any boundary I had set on her, she viewed as me "being like her ex". She was allowed to have boundaries, I wasn't - mine were always faulted. She always wanted to know where I was, we would spend hours on the phone together, she wouldn't believe me (a lot of the time). She would relate this back to her "ex" cheating on her, believing me to behave in the same way. She would love bomb me constantly, convince me that she wanted children and a family, and then flip on those wants and desires moment to moment (week to week). When I called out any form of inconsistency in her behavior or wants and desires; she would again paint me as her ex.

When I met her family they liked me a lot. They viewed me as a positive to her life (from what she had come out of with her ex) and I did everything in my power to show them respect. I wanted them to know that their daughter was safe, and that I wasn't going to hurt her like her ex had. As the months progressed I found her prioritizing other things over the plans we would make together, I found the emotions she had "felt" for me changing (up/down), we would go to make plans together just for her to change them last minute, despite us legitimately just talking about them. She would act all excited that we were going to do something, and then something else would come up and she would backtrack on those plans together. I would call her out for doing this; and it would erupt into a gigantic argument of me "not supporting her" or not supporting her wants etc. It was always about her (selfish). This was (devaluation). The pattern of Love Bomb>Devaluation doesn't just lead to Discard. It is constantly cycled back and forth. One day I was the love of her life, the next the energy would change drastically along with her wants/needs, and then I would find myself fighting to get that love bomb energy back. 100-0-100 (splitting). I found the more I loved her, the more I tried, the more I gave myself to her - the more she pushed away.

There came a point when I was transferring jobs to another location and she convinced me that she wanted to move with me, start a family, start a life together, get away from the drama at home, get away from the drama with her ex (who she was worried would stalk her or hurt her when I was away at training). Just for me to go out and take the job transfer and her to pull back heavily on me. Like a light switch all of her wants changed; she then told me she wanted to stay where she was, move to another area and go back to a different job (that she had left from in the past - due to her ex), that we would somehow make this long distant relationship work. It caught me completely off guard - because we went from her wanting to move out with me while I was in the training process, convincing me of this "life" she wanted with me, to the exact opposite. She tried breaking up with me twice during this time - and every time she came out to visit me, she always felt "cold" and "distant". Almost like she was about to break up with me. It felt like I never knew when the end was coming, but that it was for sure coming. I even flew out back to her, spent some time with her family, and she acted distant with me around them. I would ask her "why" or confront the issue, and it would erupt into an argument or fight. Then we would have sex and she would be saying things like "you'll always miss me, no one will do what I do like this" etc. - basically making me feel like that was the last time we were going to have sex. Then after she would explain that she didn't know if she wanted the relationship or not anymore (after I had just flown out all the way to see her). She would drive me to the airport and I would feel lost, not knowing where we stood, just to get on the plane and get a call from her when I landed pretending like none of that had ever happened and that we were "all good". This up/down hot/cold behavior made no sense to me. It messed with me. It ate me up. I couldn't figure it out - and if I called her out on it, it would just erupt into another argument. At times she would apologize; but the apologies were never backed by anything and the behavior would never change.

When I decided to leave training and return to my previous job back home (where she lived) I made sure to make that decision without the influence of her. However; she made the training process for me extremely difficult. She would question my whereabouts at all times, she would expect me to call her before training and after training every single day. If I was 10-15 minutes late, she would accuse me of talking too much to female class mates. I would sit on the phone with her for hours neglecting my studies trying to make her feel comfortable; half of the time our phone calls would erupt into arguments because her wants/desires on us and the relationship would change. She convinced me she no longer wanted children, she wanted to stay at home and not move with me, she wanted to go back to her previous job (the one she left due to her ex). Yet weeks prior she would talk about being in fear from being "too close to her ex" and used that as an excuse for wanting to leave the area and come with me. It made no sense. If you were so scared of your ex, if you wanted this new life, why would you want to then return to your old life and be closer to where he was at? Why after I made the decision to leave to do this training, you then changed everything you wanted with me after I actually left? It drove me insane. It wasn't just small changes in what she wanted, it was the exact opposite direction of what she sold me,.

When I returned back home (from training) she was cold with me on the phone. Actually, when I pulled into the city that day to return to the office and grab a few things, we were supposed to meet up. But when I went to call her she ghosted my phone calls. The phone would ring, but she wouldn't answer. One thing I forgot to mention is; she always had her phone on DND around me. So a lot of the time I would call her, it would go straight to voicemail. And when I was around her, she was extremely careful and secretive with her phone. I always felt like she was talking to other people or someone else that she didn't want me to know about. So when I called her that day and it rang and went to voicemail; eventually when she did pick up she told me "her phone was dead". But when you ring a dead phone, it goes straight to voicemail. So I called her out and said "well if your phone was dead, why did it ring?" and then she would get super defensive, angry, snap at me. This caused her to leave the office (where we were going to meet up) after my 12 hour drive back to her from leaving training (and having gone over a week without seeing her). I ended up driving past her and she turned around and we met up and I called her out and asked her why she did that. How could she just leave like that?

She was just cold. I can't explain it. Earlier in the day she was excited to see me, excited for me to becoming home, excited to start a life together at home etc. But by the time I actually got home she was already driving away like I meant nothing to her. I didn't understand it, how could someone do that? Because I called her out for lying to me about her phone being dead? I hadn't seen her for a week; she just spent the morning going on about our life together.

During the week back everything felt distant and off. I ended up staying with her at her parents house, we had unprotected sex, I met her brother, bought her whole family dinner, woke up in the morning - to the evening of meeting up with her at a restaurant and her explaining to me that I was the love of her life, how she wasn't going anywhere - and so on. I would explain to her my feelings about her being a bit distant, her wants and desires changing, trying to find consistency - and she would love bomb me. That evening she was leaving for a weekend to go see her friends in another city, and I asked her if she wouldn't mind not ghosting me late at night (we always had late night goodnight phone calls) and there was this pattern of when she left on a weekend of ghosting them. She promised to me she wouldn't.

Just for me to try and get a hold of her and be ghosted and have no response or communication until hours into the night (or early morning around 1-2am) and her telling me she had fallen asleep on the couch with her friends. I would get upset at this then she would fault me for that and call me controlling. Yet if I had done the same to her, she would have lost it.

This was when the first "real" discard happened. You see - if I had done any of that to her she would have lost her mind. There was a day when all of the power went out in my area and I lost phone service through a night, and she had lost her mind over it - accusing me of cheating.

When she woke up that morning we had a phone call and she said "fine I will set an alarm before I go to to sleep just so I can talk to you, are you happy now?" attempting to make me feel bad about it. She began to paint me to her friends as some controlling boyfriend (like her ex) at this point and painted me to her councilor as that who reinforced her and told her "you worked too hard to be put back in this situation" I went from the love of her life a day prior, with her family, unprotected sex, talks of children - to nothing the next day because I was upset with her that she broke a promise. All I wanted was to be able to get ahold of her late at night when she was 300km+ away. When I was in training if I had ghosted her for longer than 15 minutes it would have been a problem; but I can't get a hold of her 11pm on a Friday night while she is out with her friends to check in with her, after she promised she wouldn't ghost me like that?

She didn't even give me the decency to break up with me on the phone; no, instead she sent a long text message saying "she wasn't the girl I wanted to be with" ending the relationship. Keep in mind - we were together around 4 months at this point. It threw me completely off guard. Considering the love bomb the day prior, the unprotected sex, the talk of building a family together and so on - it was insane to me.

Just for her to turn up at work that Monday, with pictures of me and her on her dash window in her car, wearing the ring I had bought her. It made no sense to me - I thought we had broken up? You see people with BPD don't just "discard" and end a relationship normally - and this was a prime example of it. I kept thinking to myself "is this the kind of shit she pulled with her ex? Is this why he chased so hard?". Eventually I was able to sit down and talk with her and nothing she was saying made any sense. She loved me, she was scared of losing me - but we "couldn't" be together in her mind, "it just wouldn't work". But she wanted to spend a weekend night together still.

So after work I took her to a restaurant and attempted to convince her that what she was doing made no sense - I attempted to convince her that it made no sense. I tried to rationally and logically solve the issue - and as mad as I was about everything happening, I tried my best for her to make things work. We went to my place, we talked some more, had crazy insane sex and then she explained to me about making things work. Just for us to go to bed, wake up in the morning and her say to me while getting ready that she wanted to spend mornings together where we could just do whatever we wanted. Just for on the drive back to her car, for her to explain to me "that she didn't want to drag me, that we shouldn't be together, she didn't want to lead me on for months just for it to all end" etc. It made absolutely no sense to me. I was so angry and upset at that point I had dropped her off and looked at her and stated "fine if you don't want to be with me, don't be with me, I don't want to play these games anymore" just to get into my truck and drive away.

To then spend 2 weeks "broken up" almost no contact avoiding each other at work. She would "hoover" and attempted to make conversation, but I would ignore her. I had been in this pattern before. Eventually she approached me and asked me what I wanted her to do with the sex toys we had bought together, if I had wanted them back. This is when I broke and texted her and said "we need to talk about workplace boundaries, this isn't working".

During that conversation, I explained to her that I wanted the relationship with her, that I was tired of playing these games, it was either we do the relationship or we do not, and if we do not to go through some boundaries at work where we could make our work environment healthier. I was fully not expecting her to want the relationship back, but she admitted to me at this point she wanted it back, so we both chose to work at the relationship. After she would text me telling me how happy she was to have me back, how what happened would never happen again, how she missed me so much and so on. I ended up spending some time with her family again - and I could tell she had fed some narratives about me to her mother and sister that were off base with their reactions to me. I had to work hard rebuilding those relationships again.

We had a bit of a rough start with some things, but eventually we hit a really solid and secure spot in our relationship (or so I thought). There was still a lot of up and down changes in her wants, some hot/cold stuff, some push/pull stuff. I sat down and read to her a chapter about BPD and after reading it to her, and explaining to her I felt some of it related (which I know was something I maybe shouldn't have done). It actually had a positive effect. She told me she didn't want to be like that or make me feel like that; and began actively trying. Honestly we had maybe the best 2-3 weeks we ever had together. She began trying to convince me that she wanted to move in with me, she kept pushing for it over and over with me. I was hesitant because of the break up we had just gone through; she would touch the tattoo on my arm and promise on my family members name (written on the tattoo) that she wasn't going to change, that things were different this time. When I told her I needed more time she would always bring moving out together up. We would be shopping in the supermarket and she would say things like "If we lived together we could be doing this all the time" etc. There was one time we were working together where she looked at me dead in the eyes and told me "I'm not flipping, I promise you on everything". It felt so real and so genuine - but a part of me just refused to believe it. I was waiting for the split.

Then the worst thing happened. Her brother committed suicide. I rushed to her house, picked her up off the floor and brought her to her brothers apartment. I stood by as she said her goodbyes to him with her family. I helped clear out his apartment with her. I met over 300+ of her close family members and friends. I gave up everything I could to help her - and through the process of doing so she began to devalue me. She talked about marriage she had promised another man back in the day right in front of me - to him, she hid the fact she had a shared tattoo on her body with another man, she tried to convince me (during sex) that the person calling her phone was her "mom" coming up with a false narrative, later to admit to me it was another man calling her and texting her for emotional support. I gave everything I could to be there for her during this week, sacrificing sleep, working long hours and returning to her - and I felt trapped. I was catching her in lies, and I felt like I couldn't leave her because of what had just happened. I felt bad for her and her family. I tried my best for them - and when I went to defend my boundaries against these things; she pushed those boundaries in the incorrect way to her family members (her sister primarily) and painted me as something I was not. I attended her brothers celebration of life with her, held her hand - I was included in the eulogy speech about her brother by her mother. And then - I was cut and completely pushed by her directly after. Like nothing.

I spent almost 2 weeks in no contact. I had nobody to talk to about what I had just gone through, what I had just experienced, what I had just seen. She was the victim to it all - I was the "bad guy" to her for pushing her "over" after the death of her brother - because I defended my boundaries and stood up for our relationship and against being lied to. She began the process of "throwing monkeys" by painting me as something I wasn't to her family - she devalued everything I had gone through and experienced for her. After meeting everyone in her life, going through what I just went through with her - she discarded me like nothing.

I ended up contacting her at the 1 month anniversary point to which her brother had died, to make sure she was okay. I felt like I needed to know that - after everything. We spent 5+ hours on the phone talking that night. She explained to me she loved me, she explained to me she missed me, we talked about her brother (who I had met) - I excused her poor behavior towards me, because I empathized with how hard it would be to lose a family member. I had my own experiences with losing people to suicide - and it hit me hard too. I felt bad for her. But despite it all - she explained to me that a relationship with me just wasn't possible. That she loved me but it wouldn't work. That I had "pushed her over". We spent that week every single night talking on the phone, she would love bomb me throughout - but she would continue to remind me that we are not together.

She ended up going to a concert with her mother - and during this point she would tell me she wanted to meet up with me "be in my arms again" when she came back. She actually told me she could see her ex off in the distance in the crowd at the concert, that she was "scared"; she sent me pictures and I kept in contact with her trying to emotionally support her through that. It made no sense for me though on why or how her ex would just show up like that at the concert - they also had no contact conditions from the courts. Just more "chaos". She would take pictures of the stuffed animal I had bought her and send them to me. I would explain to her that "I can't do this" I didn't feel comfortable being in this situation with her, having her but not "having her" essentially being treated like I was not worth a relationship, but giving her the benefits and commitment of one. She would communicate to me that she felt the same way as I did and that we would work through it. Just for a night later and a drive home later to get on the phone with me and tell me "I don't see a relationship with us ever happening again". I couldn't figure out how her mind could change so fast, or so quickly. I would relate it back to maybe her mother talking to her; or all the things she painted our relationship out to being (to her family) and due to the bad experience with her ex, them trying to protect her from it happening again. You see - I was always up against the past with her ex, I was always painted like him by her, I was always thrown into that same "ring". And I know in her previous relationship she defended him to her family, and her family became distant to her because of it. I think she was scared of that happening again. I don't know - but then a part of me felt like if someone truly loved you, they would just be with you without the confines and opinions of other people; they would defend you. I guess this was a part of the love bomb>devaluation process. I mean she convinced me she wanted to spend a night with me, wanted to be in my "arms again" and then when the day we were supposed to spend together approached closer, she would then tell me "it's too soon, I can't do it". Her words and actions never aligned.

I cut her out and told her I couldn't keep doing this with her (up/down hot/cold) that I did everything I could for her and that I was sorry for the mistakes I had made. We went another week or so without contact, but I reached out again to her because I wanted to make sure when she returned to work that everything would be good between us - that it would be a healthy return for her to work. And I wanted to talk about everything we had gone through. She agreed and we set up a date to meet.. We sat down with each other and just talked and I explained to her I was sorry for the mistakes I had made (I felt like I was at fault for everything). She again explained to me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, how scared she was of me moving on, how she always thinks about me (love bomb). But that she couldn't do a relationship with me. She admitted to wanting to have sex with me again. She wanted the loyalty, sex and intimacy without the terms or definition of a relationship. Again - I had been here before in my previous relationship and I hated the idea of it. But because of that addiction to the up/down cycle with her I agreed that it might be possible. The truth is I just wanted a part of her in my life again - I kept dropping my boundaries (and I regret that).

We spent another 8 days of no contact after this point and she returned to work. Because of the 8 days of no contact, and not hearing from her, I had figured everything she had said when we met up previously was thrown out the window. Eventually she approached me and said "No good morning?" and attempted to get into my spaces (hoovering). Eventually I bit and again the energy shifted - but this time back into what we had been doing before (while in a relationship). We began having coffee dates with each other, we began talking about sex, we were telling each other we love each other, we were having our late night phone calls - everything got built back up to exactly what it (almost) was prior to the relationship ending - but again, she would tell me "we are not together". I felt like I was going crazy - she was enjoying me chasing after her almost. She admitted to me the things she said about us to her sister/family - how she painted our relationship to them. She used this as an excuse why we can't be together. She said it wouldn't be "fair to me". I explained to her that I was willing to work at a relationship with her without any of the added pressures, but she refused. I felt like I was going crazy - how can you say to someone "we are not together" than simultaneously in your next breath say "I love you".? She would constantly reaffirm to me that there was no other "man" that there was no other person. That she wasn't trying to look open. Yet she would stalk my social media accounts and fault me for my follower count going up during the break up - yet hers went up by over 40-50 followers. It made no sense to me. She would tell me she wanted to be in my arms, yet wouldn't commit to a day for it to actually happen. She told me she believed relationships should just "fit" that they shouldn't require "much work". She viewed my boundaries as wrong, yet her boundaries were harder than mine ever were. If I tried to talk to her about what relationships are, how you don't "find a person" you must work at relationships for them to work, if I explained my feelings she would tell me I was "lecturing her". If I called her out on her behavior and what she was doing, she would tell me "I made her feel worthless". If I expressed my feelings, I was wrong for doing so because her brother had just died and it "pushed her over". Yet she would tell me she loves me, sext me, send me pics of herself, be insecure about me potentially moving on or who I was talking to, constantly communicate with me throughout the day, accuse me of seeing other women - and so on.

I was losing my mind. None of it made any sense to me. Eventually we settled on a day to spend at a hotel across the street from work. It only worked for her because her family would track her location, and she could come up with an excuse on having to spend the night there for "work". I asked her if she would be interested in doing therapy with me (with my councilor) and working through these problems and she said yes. She would apologize for everything she had done and then draw and pull me in again. She complained I stopped sending her goodnight texts (after our phone call) so I sent her one, which she then ghosted throughout the next day. When I called her out on that, she would tell me she was busy and didn't look at her phone (yet I knew she looked at her phone in the morning). I felt like she was messing with me, yet she would reaffirm to me she wasn't. 2 days prior to us having our "hotel night" she would go on about how excited she was, but as the days became closer she would become more distant. She became snappy with me - she told me she was worried that it would be the "last night we spent together" that she didn't want me to "use her". I would tell her it wasn't and that we would continue working at things. But the next day we would get into an argument about something regarding why we had broke up, and then she would tell me "I want it to be our last night together, I don't want to do this anymore". Almost like she had to be the one to discard me. Again - it made no sense.

We went to spend that night together, but prior to it we walked up to my truck and she noticed an iPhone charging cable in my truck. She then accused me of having other women in my truck. I explained to her that I had always carried iPhone cables because my best friend has an iphone and that was never an issue in the past. Yet she refused to believe me. I walked with her to the hotel and the vibe was completely off. We had our crazy insane sex and after her sister texted her asking her where she was, if she was "with me". She laid next to me and told me it wasn't a good idea that we spend the night together now. That she didn't like lying to her family - almost like she blamed me for that. I couldn't understand it - a week of telling me how excited she was to spend the night with me, to having sex, to now telling me she essentially wanted me to leave the room. I would try to explain to her how ridiculous this all was; how she shouldn't have painted me that way to her family; but she wouldn't listen. She again viewed that as me "lecturing her" and making her "feel bad". The selfishness in it.

Then we had sex again that night, and after things got even worse. I tried again to explain to her what relationships were, that what we were doing was a relationship. How couldn't she see that? Yet she kept telling me how bad she felt, that she hated herself, that she was wrecking my life. I told her I didn't want to sleep in a bed next to a woman who I loved, who didn't see me with the worth or value of a relationship. I went to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed slumped down in sadness. She told me she wished she could die, but she can't do that to her family after what her brother had done. I couldn't leave her like that, so I came back to her and said "I can't leave. She then told me "if you don't leave, I will, I can't do this". She then refused to leave herself and laid back down in the bed. Then I laid next to her and held her and explained to her that I loved her. I had to come "to her" to do that. I was going to wait until she fell asleep to leave the room, but then as I got up to leave she grabbed me and held me and told me she loved me.

We fell asleep and in the morning she told me how sad she was, how broken she was, how she wanted this to be over, how she wanted me gone, how she wanted this to end. When we got up to leave in the morning she started crying. I tried again explaining to her this was all self destructive, I again tried to save the relationship. Nothing I said mattered. I held the door open for her and she looked at me and said "fuck" and kissed me. I stayed at the door watching her wait for the elevator down, for her to come back to the door and kiss me again. Then leave to the elevator. Gone - like nothing.

She sent me a text message apologizing for everything, telling me she hates herself, telling me she doesn't want to hurt another person like she has me again, how I am a good man, how she was loyal to me the entire time, there was no on else, how she wants me to have a good life and peace without her.

And now...I wait for the next hoover.

I learned one important thing, and it's really good to remember it, and never forget about it

Because times goes on and it becomes very blurry, even in a relationship, especially in one

I remembered that these people are very vindictive and vengeful, like a lot

It has happened many times with little things, but you know what are the little things for you, are the enormous, unreal things for them

So basically, what I understood is that, they love to be vindictive and vengeful. I told my gf not long ago, that those aren't cool qualities in a person, like none. That's not nice, nor cool and nothing to be proud of

But she would always do everything that I somehow did to her. Coming from the small stupid meaningless things, to imagined hurt and so on

She always tried to feed me the same food, so that I know how it feels

And thus if we apply the same logic to other parts of the relationship, and the fear of abandonment, and imagined cheating and so on and so on

Imagine them being what I described above, and them thinking that you cheat, that you will leave them, or that you may have left them

And they decided to hoover, or can't stop hoovering

What do you think they will actually do?! What exactly are they after?!

Of course, it's sad and fucked up, but they are out for revenge

They want to break you, just like "you broke them", they want to cause you all the fucking bloody pain, that "you caused them"

So it's not that hard if you think about

Even if you take them back after the hoover, and they are with you and everything seems to be going good

They still hold grudges and they remember all the shit that you did to them (them being the ones, experiencing everything that way)

And they'll probably are pretending to be ok, while waiting for you to give in and relax, to feel safe, in order to fuck you up big time very soon

I'm not saying that all will do that, but as it seems from all the stories here and my very own experience, is that it's a pretty normal and basix strategy for them to do

"You caused them nothing but pain, and betrayed them, broke their trust, and abandoned them, left them heartbroken"

That is how they felt over the relationship all the time

And now YOU are the one who will get fucked pretty bad and be discarded and heart broken for forever

So think about the hoover attempt. Think about it

Is it something that you might like or want?! Will that break you completely

Watching a grown adult, mope around, try to get my attention by doing weird passive aggressive things instead of just talking to me, sit in bed all day and refuse to do anything because they want you to care for them completely is so annoying and quite frankly turning me off. I have no issue giving my partner compassion, affection and empathy when they are down but there is a hard line in the sand when that person is acting like a full on baby. Yuck.

Hey everyone, have a bit of unusual situation and was looking for support. My husband and I travelled to Italy with our friends from back home, we are Canadians living in Europe. I always knew my ex best friend has bpd. She is medicated but drinks and smokes like no tomorrow, with no intention of slowing down.

Anyways, long story short she enters into a bpd black-out rage the second night of our trip. I mean completely, out of this world abusive. Calling me a “dumb fuking cnt” for 4 hours straight, lunging at me, trying to throttle me (my husband is large and got in between us). Doing the same thing to her husband (but 10x worse), I don’t want to type it out because it makes me uncomfortable. Shoving him and screaming at him. Breaking stuff in the air B n B. Threatening to drive drunk (he hid the keys). Threatening to kick out my partner and myself into the pouring rain in the middle of nowhere Italy. Threatening to kill herself. And more goodies. Suffice to say she screamed all night, and when we would pass out from exhaustion she would start the screaming again.

They both really fucked us over with the accommodations, having us sleep on a pullout couch with no door or curtain right outside their room and the bathroom. So we were scared she was going to attack us while we slept. Finally got a few hours of sleep and we packed our bags and left for a hotel 1.5 hours away.

I obviously blocked her on everything because she has a nasty habit of sending paragraphs of vitriol and hate to me, with no response from me. But now she’s texting my husband through her husband’s phone demanding money for the accommodations. We flat out refused because 1. She tricked us with the bed situation 2. She kicked us out and we had to scramble to escape and find a place we felt safe in.

I told my husband to not dignify it with a response. He doesn’t want to block the husband because that’s his friend who is obviously being abused. It’s really impacting our mental health and we both haven’t been happy this month at all. To be clear I don’t miss her and I don’t regret leaving, but now with the harassment is dragging me back.

Has anyone had a happy ever after, or a managable long term relationship with pwBPD? If so I am keen to hear your experience of how you made it work?

My story, I have been lurking here for a few years. I am now more aware the problems I bring into my relationship with pwBPD (self respect/ boundaries / attachment style).

I am still persevering, although I have had many a moment of pwBPD behaviour as the final straw, lost my cool and walked away only to be hoovered back in on insight / promise about working through the difficult behaviours.

Are there any survivors out there who are managing to make it work long term?

Curious because this forum (rightly so) is dominated by the pain we all go through, how to get out, or about being out, but I have not seen much about successfully staying in - is it even possible?

Hey everyone,

Before I get into it, sorry for the long post, but I could REALLY use some advice.

So, I’m a 20+-year-old queer woman, and I’ve fallen for my 20+ yearold straight female friend (we’ll call her "Cat"). We met online through some mutual friends this summer. I already knew a bit about her because she has a social media presence, and I’d check out her profile from time to time. I’ll admit, I developed a small crush on her from afar—it was just a surface-level thing tho, nothing serious since I didn’t know her yet.

One day she randomly Dmed me- it felt like destiny. like how lucky am I to get my crush to dm me first cause I was too scared to DM her first) anyways, we clicked instantly, and our connection moved quickly. We went from texting to calling each other every day during the summer break (this slowed down once university started). I still haven't told her I had a crush on her- I mean I was hoping it would fade, but it only grew stronger. Over the next three months, I’ve fallen completely head over heels for Cat. Her voice is the deep yet soft type- I never want to stop hearing her talk and her cute lisp just makes it 100 times much cuter. Her laugh? It’s like magic- it pulls me in every time, and when she laughs, I honestly forget how to breathe. And her looks… I could spend a lifetime just watching her, and it still wouldn’t be enough. She’s completely stolen my heart, and I don’t think I’m getting it back anytime soon. 

I fell in love with how strong she is. Even with everything she’s been through, she’s still here, still pushing forward, and I admire that about her. She’s also incredibly cute—not just physically, but personality-wise too. She does little things that leave me in awe. Cat dresses alt/emo and is engaged in that aesthetic, so people might assume she’s mean at first, but she’s actually really sweet and has an obsession with adorable stuff like cat stickers, pink glitter pens, and other girly things. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up interested in these types of things, but seeing her love them makes me happy. When I help her, she thanks me so sweetly, saying things like, "I love you" "You're my best friend and no one else's" “You’re amazing” or that she wishes she had more people like me around her. She’s always complimenting my gestures, which just pulls me in even more.

On the other hand, Cat can also be blunt at times, almost mean. She’ll say stuff like, “You talk too much,” and I usually brush it off as just her being herself. But it does hurt, especially because there was a time in my life when I was mute, and when ppl would force me to talk I would just cry, now I’m finally at a point where I can talk and chat nonstop- I know she doesn’t know this about me, and I never tell her when something bothers me, so she has no way of knowing. But my friends get mad at her, saying it’s just rude for her to make those comments in the first place. At first, my friends thought it was cute—they’d tease me, saying we’d make a great couple and would “ship” us all the time. But as things got more intense, they started to see how drained I was and quickly changed their tune. Now, instead of cheering us on, they’re constantly telling me to cut her off. They think she’s just using me, and they’re worried I’m losing myself in this cycle. Honestly, their shift from rooting for us to straight-up hating her has made me question everything, but I still feel.

Even though I heard them, and could feel the changes in myself, it didn’t matter to me. I loved her, and that was enough. I didn’t care what my friends said or that my relationship with Cat barely looked like a friendship anymore—I just wanted to be there for her.

It's important to mention that Cat has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and severe attachment issues. She’s been through a lot, both in her childhood and now as an adult, and people haven’t been kind to her. I truly think shes so strong for that, cause I know I wouldn't have been able to keep going if I went through some of the things she went through. She often opens up to me about this, and I’m always there to listen and support her. She frequently tells me she needs me not to leave her, which only deepened my feelings. I love being needed by someone I care about, so this just fueled my attachment to her. Since then, I’ve been by her side—virtually, because we live 300 miles apart—comforting her whenever she’s down, listening to her interests, and keeping her company when she’s bored. I’ve even adjusted my communication style for her since I prefer calling but she loves texting. I didn’t mind changing because it felt like we were both putting in effort ( I would text more for her, and she'll free time to call me)

( important to note she atp she knew I was queer)

NOW;

Soon after, we started having small arguments, but they didn’t feel like typical friend fights. Whenever we argued, it was over things that just.. Honestly, sometimes our arguments felt like something a couple would fight over, not just friends. If she thought I was ignoring her, she’d stop texting, and I’d have to reach out to ask what was wrong and try to fix it. If she got jealous when I spent time with my IRL friends, I’d reassure her that she was still a priority (and, to me, she was the most important). Or if I wasn’t texting enough, I’d explain that I’d just been busy and still loved talking to her. Part of me found it sweet that she cared so much, but at the same time, the reality of it left me feeling confused and sometimes even down. I figured maybe her “don’t leave me” feelings were just her BPD playing a role in this- but at the same time, It felt like she only acted this way with me. I even asked our mutual online friend, “What’s Cat like as a friend?” and the way they described her just didn’t match up with what I was experiencing. It was like they were talking about a completely different person. My IRL friends who knew about these arguments would say things like, “This sounds more like a couple than friends,” which I couldn’t disagree with. Despite this, I’d always reassure her that I cared, even if it meant sacrificing some of my own needs. My friends, however, kept warning me that the dynamic was becoming toxic. They’d say things like, “You’re like her boyfriend without the commitment” or suggest that she might be using me, especially given her BPD. But I brushed off their concerns because I was happy as long as she needed me.

Eventually, I just got exhausted. The mixed signals were draining me. It felt like the calls were more about keeping me from leaving than genuine connection, and I found myself crying way too many nights, wondering if I had upset her in some way. I was losing myself. Once university started, she stopped calling as often, even though she was still hanging out with her friends all the time. When we did talk, it felt like she was only calling to appease me rather than wanting to connect. I get it, she had a lot going on, but it showed me that I wasn't a priority and probably never would be, no matter how hard I tried. I felt exhausted and defeated.

I tried telling her how much calls meant to me, even if we were just sitting in silence together, but she would kinda brushed it off. She’d say she thought I didn’t want to call because I was “feeling off,” so she didn’t want to push it or was scared to bring it up. (It felt like gaslighting, and while I understand her BPD might play a role, it still hurt. ) Occasionally, she’d call me the same day, but then things would just slip back to how they were, with long gaps between our calls until I’d express my desperation to connect again. I understood she was dealing with her own struggles- maybe more then she was telling me but I also was struggling too. But the last thing I wanted was to add more to her plate by telling her that—I’m not saying this to gain compaction or to make it sound like she ALSO has to care for me. I’ve been dealing with my own feelings for a long time and have managed to get this far on my own. I just wish she’d make time for me, that’s all. To me, she was my medicine—just hearing her laugh could erase all my problems.

So, I started pulling back and stopped being so available. She noticed and got upset and at this point, I was over it, so that night, I decided to confess everything over call. After telling her "everything" I asked if she’d had any idea that I liked her, and she admitted she’d known this whole time. One of my friends decided to reach out to Cat ( before we even interacted) and told her I had a crush on her and that we should try at least talking"or idk, but anyway- she assumed my friend had also told me that Cat knew, so she thought I was already “over her” when she decided to reach out. I didn’t know how to react so I just brushed it off. But i wanted to ask " why would you engage with me if you knew I liked you in a more-than-friends way? Why would you go out of your way to talk to me, knowing I might be wanting more than friendship?" Did you know that loving you was slowly killing me? Did you not care that I was hurting, hearing about you wanting a future with a man while I was practically on my knees, begging for you to just notice me, to just call me? I wanted to ask her so many questions, but I was worried it would make things awkward, so I just kept the tone light, continued with my “jokey confession,” and tried to move the conversation along. i even jokingly said "I'm not gonna stop talking to you Cat , well unless you show up with a boyfriend then yeah .. that would be hard for me to look over lol" she didn't say much after that , just "I'm sorry" and confirmed she only wanted a friendship, which hurt, but i already knew that this was gonna be the outcome.

(Note- when my friend reached out to her- Cat told them that she wasn't interested in a relationship rn- so my friend thought that if I and Cat just talked, Cat would see how much of a 'catch' I was and would then be open to starting a relationship with me.

Another note- when I asked my friend about this, they said they didn't know that cat was straight. they also assume that cat was queer+ cat didn't say she wasn't queer when they told her I liked her - if they did they would have told me to not interact with Cat")

It’s been three weeks since I told her, my feelings haven't wavered whatsoever but honestly, nothing’s really changed. She still talks to me in ways that make me feel like we’re more than friends, and I’m left confused. While it makes me happy to hear her say sweet things, it also gives me this weird, sinking feeling because I know it’s not real.

I know people will ask, “Why didn’t you just pull back? Why didn’t you stop simping or waiting on her every call?” And yeah, I know I probably should have just treated her like any friend, but I couldn’t- I mean I loved her. Anytime I tried to pull back and tried her like my other friends she’d noticed it and not like it, and it was like she could sense me slipping away. She’d get upset or worried that I’d leave her like everyone else has, and seeing her hurt like that just made me cave. I can’t stand to see her sad; it honestly breaks me.

And there were times I’d think, “Okay, I need to stop being so downbad, to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve,” but right when I’d try, she’d go through something rough or hit a depressive episode. I’d end up right there again, being the one person who stayed, because I couldn’t just ignore her. It’s like I’m stuck in this cycle of guilt—if I get close, it messes with my head, but if I try to distance myself, it makes me feel terrible. I love her, but being this close is tearing me apart, and I don’t know what to do.

Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks for reading.

"I'm safe. Staying at a new friend's house for a while. I'm not really leaving, I am doing this for you. I'm not far. I am just doing this to protect us. Don't even worry." Click.

Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

Funny, isn't it, the way that some words start to look like a non-word, like they aren't even a real word with any meaning whatsoever, when they're endlessly repeated?

For reference, I am a 22-year old college student. I’ve always been quite an anxious person in regards to some things, but my anxiety hit a new peak this past summer. I broke up with my ex-pwBPD around December last year, but we ended up continuing talking. The excessive emotions and mood swings were extremely hard to navigate, and I knew it was in my best interest for us to break up, but it was hard to do so because I was in love with her. Anyways, time passes and we are still friends. I am in college and she had already graduated at this point, so she would come up fairly frequently to visit, even after we broke up (whole different story regarding a past friend). When she came up, we would hang out like old friends typically and would have sex. The last time we had sex before even realizing we should not be friends was in April and she got pregnant. We didn’t really talk everyday or even that frequently at this point if we weren’t around each other, so when she texted me asking to talk on a Monday night, I thought something was up. On the call, she told me she was pregnant, and I started becoming extremely anxious due to not only not wanting to have a kid, but because I knew the state of her mental being and I thought that I would never want my kids to go through even an ounce of what she put me through. On the call, she explains how she was getting an abortion (because we had already talked about this when we were dating coincidentally) and that I should not worry. The thing is, I still did worry due to her wavering opinions and changing emotions. I had lost all trust in her, and I didn’t believe she was going through with it. She was planning to go Friday, and through the panic attacks, I voiced how I felt about the abortion, as I seriously did not want to have a child. She got the abortion and I even offered to drive there, but she declined, as her parents would have thought it was weird since we already broke up. I talked to her on the phone when it was going on, and it was obviously extremely traumatic for her, but she got through it. Weeks after ensued, and she wanted me to be her emotional support through it, but she would often lash out on me for any shortcoming and it was basically our whole relationship all over again. After long enough of this cycle happening, I told her I needed a break, as she was leading me to a rapidly declining mental health. She resorted to calling me a “robot” when I acted calmly with logical reasoning, often demeaning me for lacking emotions. Though I had emotions, I decided to stay reserved in the moment. Anyways, time goes on and she calls me in the middle of the night (4 AM) after saying she was never going to talk to me again since I talk like an AI chat bot. I started having a panic attack immediately, and a bit of chaos ensued regarding her emotional outburst towards me. More time goes on, and I establish a boundary of not talking on the phone to which she also diminishes me for, so we stop talking briefly again. Later, she apologizes to me for making it out like I had to help her fight through the abortion, and that even though that happened, it wasn’t my responsibility due to us not being in a relationship. I agree to an extent, as I was ready to give emotional support, but her continuous disparaging made me have to stop for my own good. Anyways, after she apologizes, we are on good terms and she is living near me when I move into college early. I see her throughout the last week she is in town, as she was staying with a friend up here, and we ended up having sex again when I was drunk. We had sex twice. She was on her period both times and they happened about two days apart. I used a condom for both and didn’t ejaculate the first time. The second time I pulled out and ejaculated in the condom and made sure it didn’t leak. Even though I took this many preventative measures, I have seemingly lost my rationality, as I am still having panic attacks over if she might be pregnant since we are no contact. I know that the odds on one chance encounter with ejaculating is incredibly low, but I cannot confirm the truth and the trauma from the past time haunts me, so my anxiety is acting completely irrational. I was looking for advice on what to do, or even just someone to possibly tell me I’m overreacting. I don’t like talking to my friends about this due to some of them being mutual friends, but the ones I have told said I should be good. I am obviously looking to go to therapy as this issue grows worse, but I was hoping to hear from anyone that has possibly seen anything close to this.

Me and my ex have had our ups and downs. Our arguments. But it was always incredibly apparent we loved each other. And we were quick to forgive. And we had a deep, meaningful connection unlike anything I've ever experienced. We could barely be separated. But we broke up on the 14th for the 2nd time and since then it's like it just went non-stop downhill. They were bringing up things from the past and her friends were telling her things about me. And it was like they liked me less and less. Eventually we started saying I love you again and talking about how much we missed each other. But it was clear we both needed more time. I went to go deliver them their mail from when they were still living at my address and I was telling them that I love them and there's no one else like them and I get a text "You probably wouldn't be saying this if you knew what happened last night"...damn. Turns out they fucked their friend Kimberly. And I was upset, but I remembered I did sexual shit last time we were broken up, so I was like whatever. But then when we were talking in my car for 4 hours, we kissed, hugged, cried for each other, they admitted they think about me all the time, they say they were gonna come back in 2 weeks when they worked on themselves more. Only problem...they want to fuck their friend Kimberly during this 2 weeks before getting back together because they'd never done it with a girl before and it was a "new and fun experience" while still talking to me and planning to come back. They said they don't care if I fuck someone else. I protested the rest of the day and they said things like "Kimberly loves me more than you did at times"...the amount of shit I did for this person is unfuckingreal. The fact they had the gall to say that is mind-blowing.

I finally caved out of "love" and treated it with some openness. I explained that since we last talked I did shit with 2 other people and that I didn't feel any guilt over it and that it is fun. I also explained that if I can do shit with other people while we're broken up, then idk why they can't so it's like honestly whatever, I was over it. Then they come out with shit like "Stay the fuck away from me" "Don't ever contact me again" "I'll get a restraining order" and blocked me. I have no intention of trying to "find" them.

This person who for 8 months treated me like their king, their love, their partner, their everything just drops me when they would literally cry for me because they loved me so much. I don't need all that dedication, but given how they dropped me like an anvil, it just seems so ironic.

We did break up once before and it was similar. They left in the middle of the night, claimed they loved me, pretended to move on and reached out a month and a half later and only that late because they said they didn't think I'd take them back. When the breakup happened, they laughed at me, blocked me, blocked our mutual friends and made fun of me. When we got back together, they up-ended their life for me. Family, money, work. All for me. They admitted they were putting on charades for people so they wouldn't still think they loved me and they were apparently lying to themselves. For then on, they lived with me until Oct. 14th.

A large part of me hopes they'll come back. Because for the longest time it seemed like we deserved each other.

No, I'm not going to try and contact her again after she discarded me 3 weeks ago

But I am going to stop praying to God every night that he avenge me for what she did to me. I will now pray instead that he comforts her and helps her find help if she so desires it.

I'm going to let go of all the resentment I have towards her. Like so many people here, I gave her everything I had to make her happy. Literally everything. Like so many people here know, it meant absolutely nothing to her in the end. I'm going to let that go.

I upheld my promise to never leave her. I promise I made to her when she had tears streaming down her face worried that I was going to leave her

I was having such a hard time moving on in my life. I realized there's nothing I can do about the sadness I feel because of what happened. There's nothing I can do about all the hurt I experienced with her. But I can let go of my anger that I've held against her. All the resentment, all the bitterness.

If you're having trouble moving on, I suggest trying to do the same. Holding onto a grudge and anger against them does nothing to fix what happened. Instead, it will only consume you and slow your healing process.

Forgive them for what happen. Let go of all those negative feelings

My sleep is horrendous, I’ve been binge eating and gained 15 lbs. I flip flop between on edge, and dissociated. I feel like I’m largely living in freeze mode with no end in sight.

I try to get up to relax before work and do what I can for self care but many days it’s just too much energy. Anybody else?

My BPD ex was a bit of a recluse, and didn’t have many friends. So I never really observed the way she treated me in a group setting.

She picked up a few friends in college, and they invited us to a small thanksgiving gathering.

I was fucking FLOORED at the way she treated me.

She told me I had to dress a certain way, had to “touch and hug her” in a certain way (to make her friends jealous, mainly) etc. Oh, and of course I had to pay for everything she brought to the party.

When we got to the party, she just disappeared and didn’t introduce me to anyone. She did, however, try to help everyone else set stuff up and impress everyone.

I’ve never felt more like an object in my life.

It was like a grand performance she was putting on. She was a fucking actor. It was so so bizzare.

My exwBpd left me and I was wondering if being the first person to treat them right made it worse for me

A former friend with BPD is getting her ass handed to her socially right now because nobody believes her accusations. She's been acting unstable, and even my friend's girlfriend confirmed the accusations made about their relationship are false.

As a result of this I've publicly cut ties with her and seeing as I personally have a sizable platform in my local community, that's probably going to cause her to lose more friends and even clients of her small business.

Part of me feels bad but I do feel the need to warn as many people as possible about her for their own safety, because she's apparently willing to try to ruin someone else's life whenever she feels like she's not getting her way.

Should I feel bad for contributing to someone getting locally canceled and stop telling people about it, or should I let the consequences of her actions take course publicly? The damage is already done somewhat but I could take down facebook posts if I wanted to. I feel like I'm stuck in a moral dilemma.

Livid. This ass… I just got flipped out on because I forgot to put a “sports shirt” on our 4 year old for pre-school for sports day.

“What happened w the sports shirt?” “We were running late and I forgot about it till I was putting laundry in his room later that day” “Did he tell you he was upset that he was the only one not wearing one? (No..) I made sure to order shirts for the first two days of the week and the ONLY thing YOU were responsible for was making sure he was in his costume 2 days and a sports shirt for Friday. ONE THING. Because I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE THE ONE WITHOUT. You can’t even do that right. I expect that from you.”

He is off work Monday & Tuesday so he takes him to school that day. I work from home at a hectic corporate job WHILE managing our 4 year old and 1 year the other 3 days - including driving the 4 year old to and from school during work hours. Even with ADHD Im on top of almost fucking everything all the damn time WHILE HE TEXTS ME EVERY THAT HES ALONE TO ASK WHAT TIME SCHOOL ENDS LIKE IT FUCKING CHANGES EVERY WEEK 🙄

And the best part - 4 year didn’t say a thing to me! Teacher didn’t text me and say “hey he’s upset can you drop off a shirt” which she’s know I would. I can’t help but feel like this is all him being upset and my son doesn’t even gift a crap. I’ll talk to him later though and see.

If he had texted this morning and reminded me and I still forgot I’d even let it go but no. All the BPD shit that I’ve put up with over the years with patience and respect and he throws that shit in my face at the drop of a dime with an attitude. I all but threw my fucking rings at him.

So, basically I funded our vacations and really nice dinners etc. He never missed a moment to post them on social media (never with me in a shot). I heard that he used the the pics of the stuff I paid for to attract other women. He brutally discarded me earlier this year, and hasn't been able to do any of that stuff anymore.

I assume he got wind of the fact that a few mutual friends (and probably the women he DMed) were commenting on how all he does this days is recycle old pics of the very nice vacations etc. He was an epic poster, so it's noticeable.

Here's how he wins: today he posted a very zen picture and said he's keeping his adventures private from now on. So, he gets to look disciplined and cool when I know the real reason is there are no adventures to post. He called me asking to borrow money for his electricity bill. He can't afford to go anywhere.

The petty side of me had been hoping that the lack of any new pics would alert people to the fact that I had been the one funding this all. Thwarted again.

I feel like one can never win against these people.

What causes people to have bpd? My ex always talked about being abused, but she was also a liar. Do you believe BPD is always from abuse, or would it be possible she was lying to me,

Ksns

Has anyone experienced them not liking your replies, ignoring your posts, all whilst liking other replies and posts when you know full well they’ve seen yours?

This kind of targeted response (or lack there of) feels deeply personal. I know it can’t be taken as such from someone with a disordered brain, and is an indication of them doing it deliberately but not necessarily for the reasons we assume (for example I don’t see it as malicious but more to make a point that they aren’t happy with you in that moment), but is this common? I’ve seen this repeatedly over the last couple of years that I’ve known them.

Yes, I know that staying away from their social media is important as it will drive us crazy, but it’s just something I’ve picked up on recently and it’s very strange and childish behaviour.

I do not wish to go into extreme detail, so I won't, but I'm feeling a bit at-my-limit from the stress right now. A few months ago, a close friend of mine with BPD experienced a traumatic event, and instead of directing anger towards the person who hurt them, they chose to ostracize me while splitting and cut me off from our shared friend group. Essentially, I'm being used as an emotional punching bag, and I have been ever since then, I assume because I'm an easier option to pick on. I've blocked them about everywhere, but they are still talking about me, even making several "vent" animations revolving around them physically attacking me. They've spread (easily disproven, mind you) lies about me, my friends, and my significant other. It hasn't gotten any better. They are still actively watching my social medias and talking about me behind my back, as well as vague-posting about me on their public accounts. They're using essentially every ad hominem in the book to make me look bad. It's sincerely affected my life in a very negative way, as well as my friends who were also affected & directly fed lied to by them. I'm logically aware that I'm in the right, I did nothing but try to help them the best I could through the rough patch they've been going through, but they are still going on and on about how "terrible" I am. That I was pushing boundaries that were never expressed to me until it was too late. That I somehow knew about said boundaries, even though they never communicated this and opted to instead have their friends try to inform me (when even THEY didn't know what the hell my ex-friend wanted.) I really just do not know what to do at this point. I have severe anxiety and a paranoia-related disorder, and it's eating me up inside probably far more than the average person would experience. I don't know what I want from posting this, I guess just need some reassurance from heavily targeted by them. I really, really do not know why I'm taking the brunt of all of this anger. They're particularly upset that I'M upset, as well, as if I don't get to feel my own grief about both the awful thing that happened to such a close friend, in addition to having to deal with them berating me constantly. One of the last messages I was directly sent by them before I cut contact was just a 5-minute long voice message consisting of them gaslighting me, screaming at me, going on and on about how awful I was to her, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. I spent the first week after it happened crying nearly every day, blaming myself for things I could have not foretold, blaming myself for upsetting them even though I was only trying to help them & provide resources for them that could potentially help with their situation. I basically sacrificed all of my free time just aimlessly stressed out, trying to make my best guess as to what I was supposed to do, all while being stonewalled and backstabbed by them because I didn't respond in the exact way they were expecting me to. Sorry for rambling a bit, I just really need to get this off my chest because I believe their BPD is severely unchecked to their detriment and this appeared to be the best place to vent my woes to. Sorry if any of this is out of pocket.

Does it ever feel like it gets better? Maybe it's because I'm only two and a half weeks in, but I was discarded/blinded on my birthday. He did this to me several times during our relationship, flirting with other girls, coming back. I found out he cheated on me with two different women, then left. He begged to come back, and I forgave him, only to leave me on my birthday for one of the girls he betrayed me with. I feel like such a fool. He tried reaching out to me recently, because he needed something. It felt like I was talking to a complete stranger even though we were togeather for a whole year. He even said to me "such a tragedy" when I commented on it.

I don't understand how they can discard you as if you didn't exist. Even though you spoke about creating a future togeather, how much they loved you more than anything, all the thousands of hours spent creating memories, to just nothing. I'm trying my best to move on, but it really does hurt. I don't think I've ever felt so abandoned and betrayed by someone that was so valuable to me. Like it was all meaningless. He seems very happy in his new relationship, and it just hurts to know that you are nothing to them anymore.

why do I feel so guilty? I (24F) have taken on the caretaker role my entire life. It wasn't until my dad passed that I realized how much of a toll it took on me. I loved him very much but he had zero ability to regulate his own emotions, which I really can't blame him for, because as an adult I can look back and see how enmeshed he was with my grandma, who was the only parent he ever had. She without a doubt had a cluster B disorder. He honestly might've had one too. I only started the long, painful process of really unpacking my CPTSD this year. And once I started doing that I realized how this caretaker role I was forced into as a child followed me throughout so many of my teen/adult relationships.

I had to "break up" with my best friend of 10 years this past summer. I've always tried to support her, and the reason we became so close as teens is because we both really struggled with mental health. But the more I worked to make a better life for myself and really find happiness, the harder it was to stand by as I watched her make the same destructive choices over and over again. I stayed around for so long because I didn't want to be another person that "abandoned" her because of her BPD and subsequent substance abuse issues. She used to be so full of light, so smart, so kind, but over time she grew so jaded. It was hard, because she had periods of great improvement. When she was single, she thrived. I gave up on trying to give her advice a long time ago because I knew she'd never listen, but I always hoped she'd choose herself over yet another toxic relationship (or stimulants, her other toxic lover). I miss her all the time, even though I'm happier without her.

The worst thing is that I just had to go NC with another friend who is also BPD. She used to date one of my best guy friends (who I'm still very close with) and we hung out a bit back then, but when another friend died (6 months before my dad - it's been a fucking wild 2 years) she reached out to offer support. She's also been through a lot of grief and we were always on okay terms, and by that point my guy friend had moved on, so it felt nice to talk to someone who understood complex grief. We got really close for about a year, and we had a lot in common otherwise (or so I thought, who knows anymore). But over time it was obvious her focus was not me, but her ex/my best friend. He has his own stuff to sort out that makes him an easy target for pwBPD. Things came to a head (pregancy "scare", suicide threat, etc) and we decided that both of us needed to go NC with her, too, for our own separate reasons. It sucks because now I feel used, and although I know I did the right thing & handled it well (grey rock, clear boundaries without being mean or arguing, blocked after) I still feel so guilty. I think it's because before I started really putting in the work for therapy, I had an anxious attachment to some people, so I understand the terrible feelings that come with limerence and abandonment and w/e. But I have to keep reminding myself that just because I understand why someone acts a certain way doesn't mean it's an excuse for them to continue it. Especially when they aren't even willing to try and improve their quality of life.

I think the worst thing is that now I am just constantly holding my breath waiting for one (or both) of my ex friends wBPD to die. I know it's coming, I just don't know when. They both are chronically suicidal. One has severe addiction issues and the other has poorly managed chronic health issues. There's just always that voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe I could help. But at this point I know I can't. And I have so many healthy, stable, rewarding friendships, and a small but tight knit family that I need to focus on instead. Well, and myself, and my trauma recovery journey.

Sorry this was so long. Just looking for words of encouragement or any sage advice from others farther along in this process. I even feel guilty posting this, because I can hear them both in my head screaming about how I'm "demonizing them for having BPD" which is the farthest thing from the truth. I empathize with the condition and the trauma that caused it for them, but I can't justify keeping people in my life that lack so much self-awareness, or the desire to do the hard work in order to heal. I know better than anyone that you can change your thinking patterns and attachment style and evolve beyond BPD behaviors. It's not easy, not at all, but it's possible.

I was lurking here because my partner has BPD. I used to read all the stuff you guys went through and felt so bad and it also scared me so I backed away from this sub.

I feel madly in love with her and was the most intense 4 month of my life.

She decided to stop taking her SSRIs a month in.

I supported her decision and pushed for it!

I surely have my issues..

- I get annoyed sometimes easily at stupid shit

- I have dark thoughts about losing my partner or them cheating on me

I can be allot to deal with sometimes but I am very aware of my issues. Sometimes I make progress... other times I don't.

I would spend a week with her and go back home as I live pretty far away.

Almost every time I came back and we were apart she would Push me away and Push me away hard.

She would ask for space... and the space would involve no contact at all.

I found it difficult to cope with the no contact as I need reassurance.

Today she decided completely that she is done.

I tried everything... I tried explaining relationships have issues we have to work on etc etc etc etc...

Tried to explain I am open to therapy. Be it solo or couples therapy.

It was a big day for her due to an event... and I felt sad because that event would lead to us seeing each other less in the future.

It caused me to be quite and sad.

It was turned head over on me that I am sad instead of being super happy for her.

Then she proceeded to ghost me for a day and a half.

That made me lose it and send voice messages expressing that she is splitting that this is too much and it is unfair.

All I needed was some love and reassurance that we would be ok in that moment.

I have completely lost it...

I do not know if I am just an asshole... if I never got annoyed and stupid shit.

If maybe there was a better version of me in general that could have made it work.

It seems to me that all of a sudden... Every amazing moment, all the love, the obsession. Nothing is worth fighting for in her opnion.

Sorry for posting this.

I am in agonizing pain.

Unrelated yet related at the same time, my pwbpd (who is being treated now) has nerve pain in her legs tonight, which does now come from a recorded spinal inclusion suffered recently.

But it got me thinking of all the times she used to exaggerate her health issues in other areas prior to being untreated, like her headaches after something was her fault, or her feeling deathly sick after she knew from my distance that I was considering leaving.

Just wondering if this is something shared amongst pwbpd 🤔, wishing you all healing + happiness!

just to update cause I see it being put alot, I never downplayed her symptoms cause I never wanted to play God like that with someone else’s life. It’s only when I connected patterns that I realised these episodes were planned.

Recommend a watch of the new doc on Netflix for anyone still facing abuse at hands of pwBPD. A tough watch.

I can relate seeing Richard’s distorted perception of reality whilst in the relationship and coming out. He doesn’t count “punches” as assault because he is used to much worse than punches.

My ex would stop me from seeing friends and devalue me and everyone I loved, and would put me down whenever I didn’t do what he wanted me to. He controlled how I spent my time, and isolated me from everyone in my life. I didnt realize this was abuse because I thought abuse would just be those big split episodes and him screaming verbal abuse at me in hotel rooms.

In the documentary he says she would have these episodes and then say things like “couples always argue it’s normal” - suddenly they’d go back to acting all happy together. I cannot count how many times my ex would say the same thing. Minimizing all the abuse he would subject me to, and then expect me to forget about it and act happy. If ever I brought it up again he would flip the narrative and say I can never let things go, and all I ever want to do is argue, and that I’m never satisfied.

She also successfully isolates him, and he is conditioned to not trust his own decisions or judgements. He literally has footage of him being beaten, shows it to a friend and questions himself and says “do you think I’m overreacting about this”.

4 months ago when I ended my relationship, I would slowly start recounting some of the abuse to my friends, but would always say things like “maybe I did act very selfishly” “maybe I was a bitch” and “maybe I am the bad person in the wrong” and they would be shocked as to how much I was doubting my reality and the reality they could so clearly see. Which now I see clearly too.

Finally, after a particularly bad episode of abuse, she would seem temporarily happy. And he would hope that this would be the time that she’s finally happy with him. And he would be on eggshells constantly hoping that it would last. “After we marry and have children, and I provide a house then she will be happy!”

I used to think like this too. No, big life events and time only ever were met with worse treatment in the long run. They don’t see you as a human being worthy of dignity. The goal post was only ever moved further.

Partly why he stayed is of course his family but also on the outside what they had seemed perfect. Nice house, kids.

Part of why I couldn’t be honest with my own reality is because we looked perfect. He was so charming. Everyone loved him. We did so many cool things together. It looked on the outside like the relationship I always dreamed of having. But you’re only harming yourself when you’re not facing reality.

If you’re reading this and still in there, please seek help and get out.