Not diagnosing . Just trying to work out what way is up. I think I (52) was emeshed with my mum and dad somehow, maybe I learned to be blind to love them and also take on morals and values not my own to be loveable. Then I hated myself so spent years making bad choices. Married a fantasist Stayed way too long... Until he died. Now this partner is mum again... Now she is dead, scales are dropping away and I feel a freedom inside and a stretching and breathing.. But crap ... I now see the massive blind spots I have been ignoring????¿ Somehow. My partner(m59) never acknowledges any error either.. he says that's just him... I have accepted this! Arhhhh. 7 years. Ok so started this journey of learning as I felt I was broken. ...i learnt about attachment... I am anxious.. and anxious get with narcissistic peeps. He couldn't be. I'm the broken one right. So I do a life accounting exercise of life domains. Health. Finance. Career. Relationship. Hobbies. Emotional wellbeing. I found in finance he has not paid anything since moving in. Now rent arrears of since Dec last year. Paid in total 500. I have beeived him to be under financial stress as I earn more and I do pay more as I am able. But he still should pay a fair ratio. That's in respect of us . He has followed thru in some things related to a life goal ofine due to cited reason... No money. But. I pressed him to pay.... To prove he was not a narcissist tomyself. He lost his shit. Said I think he had nothing... No he has savings of 12000 and so he is great. I said, so you can meet your financial responsibility to me. He said, he will pay up when he gets round to it. But I think he just means he will pay 500. What I said are you for real. You owe5000. He said I gave you a car that cost a lot(approx 3000) I said .. but that was a present and I feel it's in poor taste to say what it cost (as I do not bring up to him whatever the cruises eg.5000 and holidays etc cost. Do we add that stuff?). And I asked if I should pay for the car? ( I do not like carbut have gone on about it as I thought it was a love token, and Not rent.

So here is my question. Which is real? I think he is ripping the crap out of me as it started with love bombing, then emotional confusion and now financial over last two years as he saved by vampire me. Or should I understand by working so hard to give me a car he has put in and now I know he has money i want all his hard earned savings and he should protect himself from me?

I keep thinking, maybe I am the narcissist? Arrhhhh. Classic fawn. I want validation. I'm scared of all this being real but got to face it.

Yeah. But still would love all your persectives

I am in another state caring for a close friend who is in hospice and my spouse asked to talk, it wasn't good news and their timing is impeccable. /s

I'm just tired of them constantly needing to feel like... they're getting away with something. I'm not their parent and I've spent two decades with them only to have them pick the absolute worst times to 'act out' instead of focusing on things that would help themselves, me, our relationship, friends, anything positive - but nope.

I would always remind myself when I'd get the heartfelt apology that nobody's perfect, etc. and think about the times when people I cared for abandoned me. At the end of the day, I am allowing them to take advantage of me.

I am tired. I just want this to end. I don't have it in me to keep trying, we've been in therapy and every time its 'my' issues with them that bring us there, they don't understand why we're there - they just want to make me happy, etc. and now this.

I feel so stupid. If I don't end this relationship it will end me.

I've been with my now spouse for over 12 years, married 6. From the onset of our relationship I battled to win them over. Instantly I was compared to their former spouse and berated for any common characteristics even if the were unavoidable because many people of my set experience similar types of issues. They spent little to no effort in trying to develop an emotional connection with me and I believed it was due to the prior marriage. Well about 2 weeks ago I found a 15 page letter where they outlined every inadequacy and mistake I had ever made in great detail. This letter was written about 5 years ago and appears to be added onto regularly. I'm absolutely devastated by what was said about me, including very judgmental perspectives on personal tragedies that I've experienced such as childhood sexual assault and the tragic loss of my father. The details start from the very first night we met and progressively get worse. My spouse has never verbalized a lot of what was written and we have had a challenging relationship where I have consistently communicated that I feel very disconnected from them emotionally. I decided to tell them I read the letter and really the only response was, "you weren't supposed to read that". I'm literally devistated and feel the last 12 years are a complete lie and I've been deceived.

Here is a small excerpt from the letter;

"But I knew this would all go down like this. I knew when I married her. I just kept telling myself, you are in this for the medical benefits. I would remind myself, I really don't care about her. If she cheats on me who cares! Who ever she is with can put up with her shit cause I know she isn't for me."

This year, I went no contact with my entire family, moved across the country where I know nobody, battled a chronic illness, and overcame homelessness. Now, that the survival mode is fading, the grief is heavy. My husband also has a lot of trauma and has been through all of the ups and downs of this year with me. I wrote this today for my husband. Perhaps someone relates and it'll help them.

Grief

I feel scared I feel anxious I feel panicked I feel unsafe I feel unlovable I feel scared I feel so sick I feel tired I feel unsafe I feel hurt I feel unworthy I feel useless I feel that my future is gone I feel that my dreams will never come true I feel that I contribute nothing of value I feel defeated

I love you unconditionally

I feel scared but I still love you I feel anxious but I still love you I feel panicked but I still love you I feel unsafe but I still love you I feel unlovable but I still love you I feel scared but I still love you I feel so sick but I still love you I feel tired but I still love you I feel unsafe but I still love you I feel hurt but I still love you I feel unworthy but I still love you I feel useless but I still love you I feel that my future is gone but I still love you I feel that my dreams will never come true but I still love you I feel that I contribute nothing of value but I still love you I feel defeated but I still love you

Sometimes...

I get angry but I still love you I cry but I still love you I need space but I still love you I get frustrated but I still love you I'm mean but I still love you I'm checked out but I still love you

I love you no matter what. You are my world. I will never stop loving you. Mistakes are okay. Boundaries can be compromised. I still love you. There's no one I love more than you. Please know that and please love me until I'm me again.