I’ve know my boyfriend for 10 years. We date for 5 years from 2015-2021 so I already knew he was a narcissist. Back then I was much younger and deeply broken in my own ways and so he was able to really really take advantage of me

Fast forward to last year in August we decided to start dating again, questionable idea more than likely. He is much much better now however as of late I have caught him becoming defensive when I am trying to talk to him about something that’s upset me in relation to him he goes through a very specific cycle that goes:

Becomes defensive Doubles down on defensiveness Tries to convince me that I said something I know I didn’t Attempts to twist my words to allows him to continue to be defensive because I’m not taking the bait Gives up on defensiveness and moves to self degradation Defensiveness Self degradation

After about 10 minutes he gives up and interacts with me and has the conversation normally OR

He will ask me what I want him to do in relation to feedback I’ve given him about something that impacts the relationship to fix it.

This happens semi regularly and because I’ve been to behavioral therapy and medicated he’s not able to actively manipulate me and gaslight me the way he used to. I’ve gotten into the habit of pausing the conversation when this happens to show him that I won’t play into it. This frustrates him and when I attempt to go through the cycle again. Eventually I redirect in that manner enough that it subsides.

As of late he has also been doing things that make me the boss of him more or less or putting me in situations a where I have to make decisions for him or like remind him to do things I know he knows to do in a way that seems willingly ignorant. Mostly recently he failed to complete two tasks we talked about the day before and said he didn’t have time when he got home cause we’re going to the gym and that he couldn’t do at work

These things were made known about a week ago and he chooses to skip his lunch to come home early. I told him that it is not my job to organize him. He also spends all of his money on me to the extent that he doesn’t have money to do the things he knows are important for the success of our relationship and will then use the excuse of “Well I’m broke because of Christmas/your birthday/Valentine’s Day” to which I have told him over and over again that he should be prioritizing therapy over everything.

All of that being said, is this narcissistic behavior? Is it not as bad as it used to be or am I just older and more rooted in myself? What is your personal analysis of his behavior as described? What factors should I use to decide if I should ever leave? Is there a more effective way to deal with the cyclic behavior?

I am cycling through events and trying to make sense of why, which is not a road to travel, I know. But I'm close to my exit and the retaliation is going to be brutal, I'm expecting a war effort to destroy my finances and mutual relationships.

But...some things just aren't making sense. My husband is just not that smart to pull it all off; he's an addict (pills, alcohol), has ADHD, has the emotional intelligence of a teenager.

So how did he pull this elaborate strategy to destroy my self esteem, alienate my kids from me by siding with them on their complaints, and in the end, looking like the 'good guy' to outsiders? The only part of that that I've actually seen him do is the 'looking good' to others, he jumps way too high in certain situations where others are watching.

His Mom, who is a black and white covert Narc, no question, possibly a sociopath, has tried to get him to 'discard me' throughout our relationship. Looking back at timelines, it adds up that his narc behavior started when she re-entered his life after a two year no contact.

Has anyone else had this experience, where another narc orchestrates & influences the behavior of someone they have control over?

Ive said something small in a conversation to my partner who ive been with 13years, about something ive seen change, i did not expect this to turn to an argument i was just saying. he got on a defence said awful things to hurt me and then when i replied he video me and made me feel digraded and walked into another room, then he cut me of went to bed and left me to sleep on the sofa, ive been really ill this week with high blood pressure and suffer chronic pain and full of flu I was resting the following morning as doctor ordered and started shouting at me we need to talk, I said to calm down I'm not well uve just woke me up my daughter said to let me rest as was unwell, i get up and ask why hes acted this way thinking he wanted to talk to then saying he doesnt want to then to were he has completely blanked me for days saying he doesn't want anything from me or want me but then continues some work we was doing on the house and won't leave i have 2 children with him, I'm feeling emotional poorly and confused and had made out and punished me like ive done something big. I'm feeling uncomfortable he's done this in the past and blamed me then...I've text him stating to leave and let me and the girls get on as isn't fair 😔 but he's walking around like nothing and ordered his self a takeaway eating it watching a film on his own, well I'm suffering and I don't know why...

I am in another state caring for a close friend who is in hospice and my spouse asked to talk, it wasn't good news and their timing is impeccable. /s

I'm just tired of them constantly needing to feel like... they're getting away with something. I'm not their parent and I've spent two decades with them only to have them pick the absolute worst times to 'act out' instead of focusing on things that would help themselves, me, our relationship, friends, anything positive - but nope.

I would always remind myself when I'd get the heartfelt apology that nobody's perfect, etc. and think about the times when people I cared for abandoned me. At the end of the day, I am allowing them to take advantage of me.

I am tired. I just want this to end. I don't have it in me to keep trying, we've been in therapy and every time its 'my' issues with them that bring us there, they don't understand why we're there - they just want to make me happy, etc. and now this.

I feel so stupid. If I don't end this relationship it will end me.

I've been with my now spouse for over 12 years, married 6. From the onset of our relationship I battled to win them over. Instantly I was compared to their former spouse and berated for any common characteristics even if the were unavoidable because many people of my set experience similar types of issues. They spent little to no effort in trying to develop an emotional connection with me and I believed it was due to the prior marriage. Well about 2 weeks ago I found a 15 page letter where they outlined every inadequacy and mistake I had ever made in great detail. This letter was written about 5 years ago and appears to be added onto regularly. I'm absolutely devastated by what was said about me, including very judgmental perspectives on personal tragedies that I've experienced such as childhood sexual assault and the tragic loss of my father. The details start from the very first night we met and progressively get worse. My spouse has never verbalized a lot of what was written and we have had a challenging relationship where I have consistently communicated that I feel very disconnected from them emotionally. I decided to tell them I read the letter and really the only response was, "you weren't supposed to read that". I'm literally devistated and feel the last 12 years are a complete lie and I've been deceived.

Here is a small excerpt from the letter;

"But I knew this would all go down like this. I knew when I married her. I just kept telling myself, you are in this for the medical benefits. I would remind myself, I really don't care about her. If she cheats on me who cares! Who ever she is with can put up with her shit cause I know she isn't for me."