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I'll be giving a bit of brief background info so you can understand my specific situation, but if you are unsure about something before giving advice feel free to ask since this would turn into a novel if I wrote everything.

Background about my family: My parents are divorced and my dad (m51) remarried, my stepmom (F50) was a massive narc and emotional abuser, dad never stood up or took my side, and has sadly adopted a lot of her behaviors. Bio mom(F50) I have an ok relationship with. My sister (F30) and I used to be closer but since growing up have moved apart. I do have other older siblings but they aren't really relevant here besides how my parents treat us. I'd also like to add that my family is hardcore Christian conservative as this plays a role in their behavior. My biomom isn't, but she is very negative about men it seems. I've never been very open in general with my family because I was often teased for being sensitive, and saying stop and trying to establish boundaries with my family is NEVER respected, excuses ranging from because I am autistic they have more right to break them, to "We're just looking out for you", to "I'm your parent!" despite me being pretty independent with the exception of my cell plan. I currently live at college on my own dime.

Now for the story:

My partner and I have been together for a year as of writing this, but we've known each other for longer. We are LDR and met through a hobby group. We live in separate countries but I stayed with him for about a month last winter and he was the exact same person I met online, we had many great adventures together and the chemistry truly worked. I told my family during this time that I was on a solo trip but I did not mention him, I was also really safe about it and my best friend was there as an emergency number since she's really responsible. I was not comfortable fessing up about my boyfriend because in the past they have not been the kindest to the men I loved. Insulting their appearance, telling me they'll cause me to sin, telling me to break up with them for really silly reasons, etc.

So current boyfriend is a secret and even before he was in my life I was really wanting to go low contact. I am going to be with him all summer this year, and of course, my family being nosy as hell decided to stalk our Facebook profiles and saw pictures of us together (which is strange because we thought they were both blocked), My bio mom, my dad, AND my sister are now all demanding I tell them about my boyfriend, and I refuse. Today my sister sent me a snarky message asking when was I going to tell them and here I am asking for advice on what should I say? I would've considered being honest with them if they weren't always so up my buttcrack about this one detail in my life. I wanted to meet my BF first before telling them about it and now them being nosy is making me want to lie which is stressful.

tl;dr: My mom, dad, and sister, are stalking me and my secret bf online and it makes me feel like lying even more about it because they have no respect for boundaries and I don't know what to tell them.

I appreciate advice, but please be respectful of my relationship being an LDR.

One communal narc I knew my entire life plays charity gigs for the photo op. She lived next door to my grandmother and I ran when I saw her coming so I could avoid her. She had no desire to respect boundaries back then, and when I went to high school with her (5 years later) still did not, only in private to people she knew well. By then, my schoolmates were like "how can you say that about her? She is a wonderful person!" Meanwhile she continued to triangulate, manipulate, gaslight, etc to me and tried to turn a teacher against me.

Right now she is doing charity singing/piano gigs for Ukraine which hits home, upsetting me because my BFF and her husband have family over there. Meanwhile "B.C." (not her real name) is doing it all just for the photo ops and Facebook posts -- one after another -- and abusing people on the downlow.

Word has it they named a bar in our area after her.

Communal narc behaviour upsets me to a level I cannot put into words. My mother is also a communal narc. My ex-husband is one. My hope is that their mask comes off sooner rather than later. Love fraud is evil, disgusting behaviour. B.C. does not love Ukraine, she does not even love herself. My mother never loved me and neither did my ex. They pretended when they had an audience just to look good on the outside.

I have no idea how I didn’t pick up on this sooner…both my parents are N’s, and I have learned the tell tale signs.

But this guy (business colleague) flew right under the radar. Until he committed me to attend an important sales meeting without consulting me first. And I was livid pissed that he didn’t have the decency to check with me - especially since I do not work for him directly. I am a contractor whom he pays.

And so we had a heated conversation where I set a boundary and expressed how disappointed I was that he respected me so little as to not see if I was even available.

His response: “I am disappointed in you as well. I have DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU (and in short) this is how you treat me”

My reply: “And I have done a lot for you as well”

I googled this line, and as I suspected, this is straight out of the N playbook:

From Psychology Today: “Soon, the narcissist may reveal his or her true colors by placing ever-increasing demands and judgments on the victim, while claiming “I’ve done everything for you, and you’re so ungrateful.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201804/how-narcissists-form-abusive-co-dependent-relationships

Once you realize you’re dealing with a narc it’s hard to unsee it.

My (21F) boyfriend (21M) of two years is amazing when we’re at college, he seems so emotionally healthy and encourages my personal growth at every opportunity. However, when we’re at home visiting our families, he caves to his NM’s every whim and will. Examples of this from the last month alone:

He suffered a death on his dad’s side of the family. He was unable to see his family members or anything outside of the socially-required events (visitation and funeral) even though he could have really used some comfort from his dad. (They speak now that he’s an adult but the N mostly kept him away when he was a child and dad didn’t do much to reject the notion) He was supposed to come back to our apartment on the same day as me so that he could spend time processing his grief in a safe place, and she just used that stern tone in her voice when asking about starting another day, and he gave in almost immediately. We were supposed to go see a movie as a group (me, boyfriend, N, boyfriend of N, and his teen kids) and she started acting like it was supposed to be a “family” thing, and rather than stand up for me, he was going to drive me elsewhere then come back and tell her how unacceptable that was. I almost got kicked out of the activity just because she changed her mind on whether or not I was invited IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE THEATER. He does not even dare call his dad with her in the house for fear of a wrathful rant from her, even when his dad would have useful information on the funeral/visitation of his family member on that side. She insists upon a good morning text every day and thinks she should be called at least twice a week to “keep up with his life” but she just wants to complain to him the whole time because she doesn’t have friends to talk to.

Anyways basically I need to help him set better boundaries with her, he doesn’t think therapy is the right answer for him and wouldn’t be able to afford it if it was. Any suggestions on things I can do to help him establish boundaries and stick to them? My ex bf and dad both show N traits, ex bf was full blown N so I’m not necessarily inexperienced, just looking for outside opinions.

I am F27, growing up my parents were abusive especially my mum and my dad did nothing about it. Every time we asked him to help us resolve because my mum was being abusive, absurd or unreasonable, he either ignored us or added to the abuse or told us off saying that when I grow old you kids won't take care of me and my wife will be the only one to stand beside me so I won't go against her or her wishes.

Mean while, at the age of 19 I left my parents home, I stayed in contact and I know I should not have, it has affected me in many ways.

My nmum passed away in October last year and I wanted to forgive her, as I did not believe that One should grudge against a dead person, during this whole process I started hating my dad more and more.

In August this year I decided to leave my job and complete my education which would need a year, I told this to my entire family Boyfriend (with whom I m in Live-in for 2.5 years), my brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, our close friends and obviously my ndad. Everyone except my dad told me and checked on me and make sure I knew they were there if I needed any financial help and this includes my SIL and my BIL. Also, understand that because of the abuse the relationship with my siblings and their spouses are minimal and only limited to festive gatherings and phone calls on birthdays because it reminds me of the bad days and hence I prefer staying in minimum contact with my family.

When I told my ndad "I was thinking of leaving my job to finish my studies " he responded saying you should not leave your job, try asking for a leave for a month or two.

Currently, except for him, everyone knows I m on a break from work and I m studying for my exams. Mind you he is a rich old man, and retired. He has no debts and loads of cash in the bank and investments. Meanwhile, those who offered help are working hard to pay off home loans or education loans or are stay at home mums ( Sister and SIL).

When I see my friends who have amazingly supportive parents, I see how easy it is for them to face the world, how they feel supported and protected by their dads and mums even though they have disagreements, they are loved and guided.

I have my exams in 10 days, I have anxiety and every night I have been crying hoping I wish I knew how it feels to have a parent who loves you, supports you. The "I am protected and loved " feeling your best friend knows. I wish I knew that. I wish I could feel that once in my life. Will I be able to recognise it?

It's just a rant. Thanks for reading. God Bless:)

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Edit: I just wanted to clarify, I don't need his help, I have savings which I am relying on, I only wished he was supportive, I know it is too much to ask.

I am 23. My fear of making mistakes and hurting others intentionally/unintentionally stems from severe childhood trauma. My mom expected perfection and abused me verbally, physically, and psychologically whenever I made mistakes. Due to experiencing harsh treatment and trauma throughout my life from various people, I fear running away/killing myself when I do something wrong. When someone points out my mistake/when I do something wrong I take it out on myself. I project that that person would be happier if I died since I did something so awful. That I am a massive burden for making mistakes, and sometimes the same one, over and over. That people must be fed up with me

Nowadays I am learning to not only apologize sincerely, but make an effort to make the issue right. To also tell people how their comments make me feel. Recently, I apologized to one of my friends due to an anger out burst and took responsibility for how I handled my emotions. I also told them how I felt with something they told me. It went well and they admitted they could have gone about things differently and that they themselves are not in a good space

Still, I fear people turning their backs and leaving me. Of course I know just because I apologize and make things right doesn’t mean I am obligated to be forgiven. I am currently in therapy and is expanding my support systems. Though I still live with toxic family atm I do plan to leave (saving up money)

Any advice or perspectives on this matter would be greatly appreciated

44, nonbinary, panromantic demisexual, autistic offspring of communal narc mother and covert narc father.

4 years NC / 3 years divorced from a communal narc. Relationship was 10 years. Two other partners were covert narcs. Other relationships were shorter but not with narcs. One guy I am still friends with and keep in contact.

TL;DR I wish I knew what a healthy relationship felt, looked and acted like, and what to expect/what not.

Is it too much to wish for a partner who loves all of me, and loves me for my talents and abilities? I get we all like different things. Is it asking too much to hope for a partner to be happy that I am creating? I do not expect or even wish them to like everything I make or do or even closely. We are all diverse.

Sadly, I got burned twice this past week. Both I met online.

The first person was a guy who started commenting on my music videos (I am a musician, singer and songwriter). In return, I commented on his. He took our conversation to email and opened up about his crossdressing, which I respected and thanked him for his bravery. Other male x-dressers were terrified to tell me for the longest time, so I showed empathy for this guy. I was happy he trusted me.

Then he turned things sexual. I explained that I need to bond with someone first before sleeping with someone and the way to my heart is a love of my talents.

That's when he got angry, started insulting me, and stalking me. I reported him to his ISP and the stalking calmed down, thank goodness.

The second person I met in a friendship and dating group. They messaged me every day, yet failed to return my compliments. I told them they were cute in one message, another I said I like their voice. I asked them what they were looking for on there from me and they replied "I want to take it day to day and see where things go."

Feeling hurt this person did not even ask about my talents, nor compliment me back (all they said was "thank you" to my calling the, cute) I blocked them. There were other red flags, like the word-salad way of explaining their relationship status ("14 years out of a 14 year relationship and mostly single since") Umm, was this person single for 14 years or separated from a 14 year relationship?)

Don't they message me from an alt account and project all over me. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were having a bad day so I explained why I blocked them and offered to forgive them if they forgave me. Nope, they blocked me from their alt.

Was I expecting too much? I have a hard enough finding people who are single and interested. My area is very small, conservative and most people are married. I tried the group only because it was internationally based and offered the possbility of friendships. I do not care to rush into anything.

Please advise. I am feeling devastated by one user after another. All I wish is to love and be loved.

Had psychopaths as parents who tortured me

very bad borderline personality disorder and ptsd and suicidal ideation as a result 11 years and counting in therapy already did a dbt program etc

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I am having severe issues in a committed relationship around trying to break up constantly when I dont really want to

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my partner is very hurt and confused. he knows I love him but I just cant stop trying to run away.

please tell me how I can fix this and myself?
Hes the best thing thats ever happened to me I wanna keep this relationship safe.

Please be kind -- I'm super wary about posting here given how toxic a lot of the relationship advice subreddits are. Since raisedbynarcissists is an empathetic group, I hope RBNRelationships will be, too!

I was raised by an nmom and edad. Now I am NC, but I have some lasting effects from the abuse -- I have certain specific triggers, I'm not great at setting boundaries, and I'm not great at expressing anger. Anddddd I recently got married (yay!).

So I have a couple questions:

1. How can I set boundaries in my marriage? What do boundaries look like in a marriage? I feel like walking away when I feel triggered isn't super effective because I just come back 30 minutes later, and then I sleep in the same bed with my husband. Is there another way to do boundaries?

2. I struggle with all or nothing thinking and OCD-like behaviors. Whenever we have a fight, I immediately go into fight or flight mode and assume everything is doomed. I don't feel like I can share these feelings with my spouse because I don't want to hurt him, but I do bring these feelings up with my therapy group. Any advice on how to calm down and soothe myself?

If anyone has followed my previous posts, this is just an addition of what has been going on.

On the 19th of February I moved out from my parents home (ie uncle and aunt I have called my parents for the past 13 years), and they first reacted as very hurt that I only told them the night before.

What was wrong with it all was that I only told them that I am leaving because I want to live my own life and for my growth by moving out and trying to experience life myself, instead of telling them that I'm done with all the controlling and gaslighting to the point I told myself that I am worth absolute nothing and no love and I just wanted to disappear out of all the fear I was living with.

Throughout these days they have been telling me that they really love me, they miss me, are calling me a lot and my aunt is crying everytime she calls me. My uncle also cried the day I left as well.

Finally after many days of stressing out so much and getting overwhelmed by the very sight of their text or calls, my partner who I am staying with for the moment (although I have my own place to live now) helped me to conjure up the courage to tell them that I don't want this anymore, and I have been hurt and that is why I don't want to keep in contact as much.

My uncle this morning kept calling me, and when I ignored twice because I just felt too overwhelmed and scared about what he would ask (usually about where I am living, and what I am doing, whether I miss them etc) he decided to call me from the no caller ID and when I picked up he immediately hung up the phone. Right after that he had left the group chat that included my aunt, uncle, the cousin and myself.

This afternoon I got a call from my aunt and when I called her she asked me various questions, she asked me why I moved, and whether it was because I was in trouble with something illegal, whether I had a terminal illness, whether I am a drug addict, whether I am smuggling things, or whether I am being coerced into this as a threat, or whether my uncle attempted to r*** me. I told her that it was because I just did not want to be a part of the family anymore, and although she is my biological dads sister, she is still their family and I cannot live with them anymore. I told her that this is my life and that I will now control it the way I want, and I will no longer listen to all the hurtful things I had to hear from them. I reminded her that her husband called me charity, that she herself told me to pay her back for everything, and how she has always reminded me that they have helped me so much, as if I owe them. I told her that I cannot feel like I want to die all the time, and when I hit things in front of her I was in so much pain but no one reached out or realised that it takes so much for a person to hit themselves like that, they must feel so much hatred.

She told me that he also growls my cousin (their daughter) as well, and that he cares for me so much and that is why he calls me all the time, that's why they told me to become like the cousin who is already so accomplished in life, she told me that if I want I can keep selling my body to my partner (because I decided to stay at his home for a few days), and that just really hurt me. She said a whole lot of things with regards to how I am wrong in a million ways but that will not fit this post, but I took my stance and told her otherwise. At the end, she told me that its okay to hate them and I can just call or come to meet them when I want to, but they will no longer call me (while crying a lot). I told her okay that's your choice, but I have been thankful for everything they have done so far for me.

The cousin came and the aunt relayed the message as "she doesn't like your dad getting mad at her that's why she left". I told her no, that isn't the problem. The uncle came home and I hung up the phone thinking its finally over. They will be mad at me so there is no messaging me now. But no. They called me again, this time video called me and acted like nothing happened, uncle didn't even talk about how I didn't pick up his phone. They acted like they were so caring, asking me how I am feeling, telling me to take painkillers and head to sleep right away. I will not deny that Aunt has done that a few times, but uncle? Never in his whole life. And then they asked me to send the address of the place I am staying at, and said that it is so if there is an earthquake, they will know if I have been hurt. They demanded me to send it right away, and when I didn't kept messaging me to send it. I want to scream when they force me into things like this.

But it wasn't over yet, because the uncle still doesn't know the truth. He thinks the reason I left is still for myself, or because I want to move out with my boyfriend. So I reached out to the cousin and told her the truth too. To tell her to relay it to her dad and mum again if they don't get the point even now.

She sent me a long message as I should "choose myself first" (sarcastically), and began to say how she is really mad at what I have done because now she has to deal with the parents crying every night and being worried, she says that it was unfair I never had her in the plan to tell her I moved out because she thought she was my sister. She then said "don't worry though my life will go back to normal soon, enjoy your life, and even if you don't think of me as your sister, I will always be your big sister".

This is the 23 year old sister (cousin) who always ignored me when I had breakdowns, never validated my opinion of the gaslighting and hurt uncle and aunt gave me, and never ever apologised for her mistakes. Even on the day I left the house she told me I was selfish and I can die for all she cares but I shouldn't have given the parents such a shock.

I just want them to stop messaging and calling me and acting like they love me already. I feel so suffocated, I want to scream, I want to disappear.

Is this all manipulation? Did I see this wrong? Why are they suddenly doing this? How can I make it stop? Please help me.

Hi everyone

As I have stated in my previous posts, I have currently moved away from my nparents (ie my uncle and aunt I have called my parents for the past 13 years).

The last few days have been very demanding, as I only told them 2 days before that I’m going to move out, and that the reason why I’m moving out is not because I have been hurt for all these years, but for my own independence and growth, and that I did not have any intention to really cut off anything. As a consequence, although they first threatened me to cut off ties if I left, once they realised that doesn’t work, they have said that we will meet every week, call everyday, and now they are messaging me and calling me everyday.

In the last few years I have been trying to come home late and not have too many conversations with them (because everytime I do you can imagine what happens, taunts over taunts and making me feel like my existence is a fault, then somehow they back each other up by saying that “you know they say that to you because they care and because they said it in the heat of the moment”. As a result of that, I have successfully been pretty low contact with them for the most part although I lived in the same house.

Now suddenly, mum has been crying every single time I talk to her. They are all telling me I have betrayed them, I have hurt them, asking me if I’m okay, have I eaten, if I could come meet them for 5 minutes, or just for dinner, and asking me if I miss them, but if not that is okay. On the day I was leaving she and dad cried, mum said that she wants to suicide. How can I watch her cry like that?

Dad on the other hand has been interrogating me, while trying to do love bombing by asking me how my day was, where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing, what time will I finish, just to find any inconsistencies as to whether I am lying about moving to the place they know it as, or if I am just living with my boyfriend. Tell me, I’m I just being paranoid? Dad messaged me today to ask me whether I’m in danger or being pressured to do this, because mum might go into depression because of all this.

They have never bothered to ask before, so why now?

I flinch with fear everytime my phone vibrates because I’m scared it’s a message from them. I try to cover my ears when my phone rings because I feel so scared about what he will ask me and I’ll end up blurting something out and he will find me. I’m so scared for myself when this happens I want everything to stop and myself to disappear.

I went to the counsellor today and she had told me that I can change my number and leave everything behind. But I think I need to tell them the real reason why I’m leaving. That I no longer want to be controlled anymore.

I’m so scared to tell them, but I know I need to otherwise I’ll lose myself, I’ll live in fear my whole life and dread everything. I can’t feel free when I’m emotionally still in that very house. How can I do this when mum is always crying?

It breaks my heart everytime that she does and I fear whether I am the one who is lying and has it all in my head. I constantly seek validation of whether what I am experiencing is the truth, and whether I’m using my loved ones for my own selfish reasons? I know it isn’t true but I cannot help but feel that way most of the time.

How can I tell them straight up without letting them defend themselves and not let me speak? How can I be free?

I plan to meet them on Wednesday but I am so scared that she will cry and they will act all nice and I will lose myself again. I want to tell them that although I care for them and want them to have a happy and healthy life, I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. What should I do?

I (21m) live with my autistic wife (21). I struggle a lot with where boundaries of blame should be in a relationship. So an example plays out like this:

1. I order something wrong.
2. My wife gets upset and snippy at me.
3. I try to fix it, but being super stressed by that response make a bigger mistake.
4. She gets mad/raises her voice/tells me she feels like I don’t listen
5. I panic severely and try to avoid bad coping mechanisms
6. She gets even more frustrated because she feels like she can’t admonish me.

I see the clear progression. I almost always apologize and try to explain my process.... she says that she feels like that’s an “I’m sorry, but” and it doesn’t count.

I really struggle to just say I’m sorry and leave it because I feel like there’s so much that could be misinterpreted if I don’t explain my logic about it. Part of me worries it’s learned blame shifting. Does anyone have any advice for how to own up to mistakes without sounding super guilt trippy to your partner?

I've never expect my achievements to be congratulate or celebrated, since my family never congratulate or celebrate my achievements either.

This change in college, where my friends expect others to congratulate each other for their own recent achievements. It's always strange for me, and to be honest felt like a chore congratulating others.

I do know that to show care, I need to congratulate and celebrate my friends' recent achievements, but I'm not able to say/text in a sincere way. I don't know what words to say. I'm also afraid that they will caught on to me being insincere.

I've been trying to change myself in this area, but I'm always confused on how to congratulate others. I'm scared if this trait is the narcissistic side from my parents or my anti-social traits.

TW: Mentions of sexual content and manipulation.

Break ups are weird. I feel glad that I am getting better at asserting boundaries and standing up for myself and it is bittersweet. I just look back at all the blatant lies and disrespect I put up with and I just don't know how I let someone treat me this way. I knew I wasn't being treated well but I don't know maybe I was just so excited that someone showed interest in me I ignored it all. I don't have a single model for a positive relationship so I'm just kind of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks.

I kind of just need to vent about the really bad stuff that happened before I decided to end the relationship I guess. Hopefully, someone can recognize the manipulation and the mistreatment for what it is and it might help them recognize that something is off with the way they are being treated. Honestly, reading the posts on here and RBN are what made me realize that I was being mistreated by my Nparents so I hope this helps someone recognize unhealthy patterns too.

My needs were over all not being met in this relationship or by myself. I was depressed, exhausted, struggling to cope with trauma and being a housemaid, chauffer, financial advisor and anything else my partner needed of me. I expressed this to my partner and they suggested I take a break from work and let them take care of anything too stressful for me to deal with for a few months to make up for me doing all of the chores around the house for years. I took them up on this offer thinking they were being genuine but it soon became clear they were not. When I turned down a new job offer to focus on myself suddenly they were having emotional problems of their own and all of the house work fell to me while I was still expected to pay my half of the bills. They expressed concerns about being insecure in their own job which prompted my own panicked search for a job of my own again. I continued doing all of the chores while searching for a job during this supposed "break" they offered me. Now I can see how they manipulated me into isolating myself from a potentially good job during a pandemic, away from friends, and put me into an even more stressful situation than I was in with only them to vent to and to rely on.

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This year for my birthday I explicitly told my partner that I wanted to do something fun for my birthday instead of just sitting at home sad and alone. I told them if they weren't feeling up to it I would just plan everything and they still let me down after I told them step by step what they needed to do. I just wanted to do a few crafting projects with them and my roommate (paint some flower pots, tie dye some t-shirts or make bracelets), have a few drinks and do video calls with other friends and of course have a nice dinner with some drinks and cake. They also couldn't be bothered to find a gift for me and had me make a wish list that they proceeded to forget about until after my birthday had passed. On they actual day they had a friend over and basically ignored me for most of the day until I put my foot down and said I would get dinner with or without them. Of course at that point everyone wanted to go to a restaurant which as a vegetarian I had very few options to choose from. By the time the check comes around no one wants to pay it so I end up paying for everyone's dinner on my birthday at a restaurant I didn't even want to go to on the promise everyone will venmo me their share back. Then when we returned home I was ignored again when I said that I wanted to start our craft projects or a board game. I waited for a while and got bored then got started on a group craft project by myself. Later I finally got a call from some of my friends and suddenly everyone wanted to start drinking, smoking and crafting with me because they wanted to talk to the friends that called me. They were so loud that I couldn't even talk with the friends who called me originally anymore. I was so frustrated I didn't even know what to do. I asked my partner about the big "surprise" they had planned for me that they kept bringing up all week. Turns out the surprise was supposed to be tie dying t-shirts with bleach but they forgot to buy the t-shirts and the rubber bands or any kind of dye... So I just ended up at home being ignored and without any of the supplies to do things I wanted to because my partner demanded to take care of it. I tried to make the best of it and had some drinks and talked to my roommate's boyfriend. We ended up having a really nice conversation and talked about him questioning his sexuality and how hard his home life was because his parents were similar to mine. The next morning my partner told me that I needed to apologize to them for "making" him talk about those things. I was really taken aback and talked to my roommate and apologized if I made her boyfriend uncomfortable. She said it was the opposite that he told her multiple times how accepted he felt and that he really enjoyed having someone just listen to him. He even used the words "healing experience" to describe talking to me. We talked later and there was no awkwardness and he was happy enough to hug me when he saw me and was happy to talk more. I think this was another attempt to isolate me from friends and potential new friends while putting financial pressure on me.

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My partner and I had an open relationship and they let me know that they got tested for STI's and got a positive result for one. I knew the risks involved in an open relationship and booked an appointment to get tested and treated myself. I didn't have to inform anyone because they were the only person I had slept with since I got my last STI testing done. Well all of that was okay until I tried to find out how they contracted and STI and found out they got it because they didn't use a condom during oral sex. We generally have an always use protection rule, but I assumed they got a little confused because when we were alone we didn't always use protection for oral sex. I started talking about how we should find some condoms specifically made for oral sex and to pick up some dental dams and they started trying to argue with me that they didn't want or need to use protection. I was confused because they were fine with this rule before or at least I thought they were. I argued with them and told them this was a serious problem as I didn't want to have sex with them if they didn't use protection with me and other partners. They said they were fine with that outcome. When I said I wasn't and that if they didn't want to have sex with me and I couldn't trust them than I didn't see much point in a relationship, they backpedaled and said they were tired and defensive. The next morning they said they would do anything to keep me as a partner even if we didn't have sex anymore because I couldn't trust them. They said that they wouldn't have sex with other people and said they were okay with not having sex with me too. That they just wanted to focus on our relationship. This started a larger more emotional conversation about my needs not being met and not being able to trust anything they said. Also there is no way I am having sex ever again with someone who tried to push my boundaries about my sexual health and safety. After some consideration I told them that we needed to take a break and that I needed some space to think.

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Suddenly, all my needs were being met. I was getting tea made for me in the morning, the garbage was being taken out, they cleaned all their dishes and were overall just taking care of their self and you better believe they told me about it and made sure I was paying attention to every last chore they did. They even bought me presents off of the aforementioned wish list. I was furious that upon threat of breakup magically everything I had begged, pleaded, threatened, given consequences for and kindly asked to be done was taken care of. It made it all so much worse because it became clear that not only were they capable of doing everything, but they could do extra chores and kind gestures on top of it all too. They came to me crying for days asking me if I decided to break up with them or not even pumping our friends for information. I moved them into another room and helped them buy a bed for temporary use so I could have the space I needed to sort out my feelings and so I didn't have to feel guilty about them sleeping on the couch.

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Their mom came to visit even though I raised concerns about the pandemic going on and they bought a larger bed and new furniture for the room. I guess at some point during their mom's visit they decided they didn't want to be in a relationship anymore because after their mom left they asked me to stay home and watch the pets while they take my friend and the person that gave them the STI on a fun weekend trip. I said no and that it felt like they were trying to punish me. They told me I wouldn't even have fun on the trip and then tried to insinuate I couldn't afford it. They told me "You could try to make a Go Fund Me and try to crowdsource a ski lift ticket." (I grew up in extreme poverty and only recently reached financial stability.) I was just done from there and I wish I could say I broke up with them on the spot, but I didn't. I left the room to calm down and they apologized later for putting me in an awkward position (but not the mean comment.) I broke up with them later and they tried to rush me through saying that they hurt me saying, "Okay, I understand." really quickly over and over.

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Now they are trying to act like everything is okay and, "just be my friend." I now see that this is a tactic to get them self out of having to deal with the consequences of treating me poorly. They are exploiting the fact that I don't feel comfortable expressing anger to continue living in this space and do whatever they want basically and to milk sympathy from me and everyone around us.

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On their birthday they went out of their way to act sad in front of me because no one but their family did anything for their birthday. They also went to hang out with the person that gave them the STI that they promised they wouldn't see anymore and that they didn't want to see them anymore previously. (I didn't ask for that at all.) From this its pretty clear they never had any intention about their offer to close the relationship again. Every action was carefully crafted to see how much exploitation I would put up with from them and pushed to the extreme. Then how little effort they could put into keeping me in the relationship. It all happened because they are a shitty person and because I let them do it. I really didn't know any better because of how everyone treated me growing up. I am trying really hard not to victim blame myself here but this is only a portion of what they put me through.

So I know that I can have and keep acquaintance relationships (people that I see for brief periods on a regular basis - a customer in the store where I work or people that I see infrequently but maybe for longer periods- friends that are long distance) . And these people are nice to me ,treat me respectfully. I am ( now, healing still) able to show empathy and concern for them.

But when it comes to people that I see more frequently- friends that I try to make locally, co-workers, my family, family of my boyfriend - at first it starts off friendly. Then ( I feel as if) they end up disliking me. They stop inviting me to things, frequently don't respond to my messages, some stop contacting me, stop acknowledging my birthday, etc. It got to the point where I went to a party and one of the girls just made a nasty face at me and walked away. So hurtful. These are people that I have known since before I discovered I had a Ndad. And before I started healing myself. Is it possible that people can form a different opinion of you once they already have one?

My Ndad did not have any close relationships himself, family or otherwise. My mom also did not have any close relationships. She never had a friend that she called or got together with in all of her life. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends much when I was younger and lived at home. So I suffered relationship formation.

I am wondering what I am missing now. What am I doing wrong? I have done so much work on myself in the past several years. I am an introvert but a lot less shy now. I realized that I had narcissistic tendencies which I've been working on. I also realized that I was lacking in empathy which I also have been working on. Yes sometimes I am awkward in social situations. I also realized that I only now started to figure out who I am, what I like, what I need, my thoughts ,my feelings. I could see how I would be perceived as boring with no personality. I suffered extreme abuse growing up.

(New account for RBN stuff because my roommate found my main, I hope that’s ok)

This [title] is tied as the biggest issue for me in relationships. The other is that I let things bother me for months before I bring them up to my SO because I worry they won’t think I’m worth putting real effort into a relationship/will think that I’m being dramatic and will leave me if I voice an issue. Then once I do bring things up, I just don’t know how to do it correctly…

Although I haven’t gotten much better at not bottling things up, I have gotten better at not using anger as a shield. It still feels safer being angry rather than letting my SO see the hurt that the anger comes from, but I’m trying really hard. I try to use “I” statements, like that generic bit of couples’ counseling advice goes…but it makes me feel so guilty and disgusting sometimes because it feels like I’m weaponizing my emotions, or guilt tripping my SO, like my nmom does.

I know that my intentions are good, and I put a lot of thought into things before I say them and avoid the blame game. But it’s hard to trust myself. I know that my nmom justifies these things to herself as well and I KNOW that we are not the same… I just can’t shake this incredible guilty feeling whenever I express any concerns about a relationship, romantic or otherwise… And that just ramps up my anxiety about abandonment because it makes me feel damaged, almost like if an SO did leave me for bringing up a concern then they would be justified for it.

I was raised by a n-mom and enabling dad. Never thought I wanted children but then had one, and, after going thru therapy, I was able to raise her to be a healthy, functioning adult. She had just gotten her professional license and, per her and her husband's request, I have traveled over 900 miles to provide childcare for their 2 preschool children for covid reasons. I'm here now and have the kids 3-4 days a week. I love them dearly but feel like I am failing the whole family. I don't think the kids like me. I am trying very hard to be consistent with how their parents want them treated but feel extremely frustrated. The parents don't want me to say no to the kids, instead using nonviolent communication, which for the most part is fine, but there are times I feel it's appropriate to say no to a child. It feels like I spend most of my time prodding and cajoling the children just to follow their basic schedule. I end up feeling frustrated, like I'm failing and don't know how much longer I can do this. I know I need to talk to daughter and son-in-law but not sure how to do that. Help please.

My (26f) girlfriend (24f) does not want anything to do with my parents (NDad, EMum). I understand where she’s coming from but I worry about rocking the boat. I don’t rely on my parents anymore, since GF and I live together and I make my own money. But my parents are oblivious to how GF really feels about them. She thinks they’re racist and she doesn’t like how they treat me. Aside from them being my family, I’ll admit I don’t really have any good reason for keeping them around. So my parents gave GF a gift for Christmas, and GF is mailing it back to them with a card explaining why she’s sending it back. I was a bit hesitant about it at first (over those worries about rocking the boat, or of my parents possibly no longer supporting the relationship) but I think I’m gonna be okay. I’m an adult and have proven I don’t need them. Please help me believe it will be okay.

He watches a lot of videos and listens to a lot of audiobooks about narcissism. To the point of obsession. But only to find or project those traits in other people.

And he'd say things like "what if I'm just a really intelligent covert narcissist who's fooled people into thinking he's a nice guy?" and I'd be like, "nahhh I think you're lovely", and he'd say "that's what I want you to think, because I'm a master manipulator", raising his eyebrow, and we'd laugh, but it would fuck with me, because stuff like this would happen all the time. He'd always be joking, but not joking.

Like, I'd feel like I had to assure him that he was a good person so that he would believe it himself and stop imagining that he's all these terrible things; meanwhile, he actually did and said hurtful things, and somehow I excused it all.

What a fuckery.

After getting dumped by my Npartner in October, I joined OKCupid to try and find someone. I met a guy who seemed normal and nice, so we moved to texting. He then kept pushing me to talk about my past relationships and my family of origin. This is before we had ever met.

My last partner was an N, and I'm NC with my parents. So I told him no, and this really seemed to bother him. I defended myself, and he accused me of not being ready to date. I just felt like this was very odd behavior, but I'm proud of myself for holding firm on my boundaries. I told him it wasn't a match and that was that.

As an ACoN, I'm hyper-aware of potential emotional abuse and I felt like this could have been someone who might be lovebombing or similar.

I wasn't sure where to post this, I'm just feeling really frustrated and lonely. I'm feeling like I'll never find someone. It really sucks trying to date as an ACoN.

Hi all. Long time since I’ve posted in the RBN community, all that therapy really helped.

But stressors (new baby, pandemic) are making life hard, unsurprisingly. I could use some advice from other ACONs.

My husband is usually great but we’ve been fighting a ton recently. He does have some N is his family and a few undesirable N traits but when it comes down to it he will listen and talk through things and apologize.

But lately, he isn’t. He’s been asking me to justify stuff lately and it’s making me nuts. Tonight’s argument: he asked me to help with bath time for the baby. This morning we agreed I would have the entire night to myself. So I said no, thanks, it’s my night off. So he gets mad, and asks me why I won’t help, which makes me mad, and he says he’s just trying to understand and I don’t know what needs to be further explained... he goes off three times a week and leaves me alone with the baby all night and I get ONE night and I just happen to spend it at home, that must mean I don’t have needs or deserve respect apparently!

We have this kind of argument all the time, where he wants me to JADE.

Experienced ACONs, what would you do or say? I’ve already suggested counseling and I’m ready to suggest it again but he IS a reasonable person usually so what can I say when we’ve calmed down and until we get into therapy? TIA!

Edited to add: more specifically, what do I say to him about asking me to justify my choices? He doesn’t realize it’s abusive (is it even abusive?? Or just really irritating?), I’m trying to find a good way to explain why normal partners don’t expect their SOs to JADE.

I’ve been in an open “FWB” relationship of sorts with this man for about six years. It started out amazing and he was the first guy to make me feel like I wasn’t just a drunken mistake.

I kept giving and giving love to him hoping he would one day finally decide we were meant to be together. Today he told me he met someone else. I’m just crushed because I did end up falling in love with this person. We definitely were more than fwb. We went to stay a week with his parents this summer, just as one example.

I’m really crushed and I feel so used. I also feel like I wasted my 20s on this psychopath. I’m in therapy but I feel like I need a lot more help.

One of my (25F) exes (25M) made a comment once about his last ex saying that he basically got with her because she was like a project to him. Apparently she came into the relationship with pretty much nothing: no job, no home and no parents.

He pretty much controlled her every decision from what I heard from outside resources. Almost in no time after they got into a relationship, he moved her in with him. While they were together he got her into a student loan debt to “assist” her in getting a future job. A job might I add that she didn’t even want or was passionate about and even placed a phone tracker on her phone-when he thought she was cheating on him. (Yikes)

He also admitted to having sex with his (obviously) ex friend’s mom because they were going through some friendship problems. He didn’t go into what those issues were but as payback he had sex with his mom.

Now before anyone says why did I stay with him. It’s simple, I loved him and overlooked those red flags at the time. But I am now reflecting on everything and trying to piece the pieces together.

But what I am asking for is what are those traits called? What type of person was he? Is this a symptom of narcissism? I’ve been thinking and trying to understand who I was dealing with for so long. Any input or thoughts, I would appreciate. Thanks!

i have a long history of idealizing people (all throughout childhood as a coping mechanism), when starting a romantic relationship how do i tell if its me who is idealizing the other person, or if they are projecting an idealized person on to me (as part of love bombing)?

my bf and I have been together almost 2 years. in that time we have really only had a handful of big fights. one of them was today. we're fine now, I won't get into it. but - in the heat of it when I was out of my house trying to process everything, I texted my dad.

I really try my absolute best to keep him out of my relationship as far as personal affairs go. early on my bf and I got into our last major fight and I texted him then, too. he gave me absolutely terrible advice which made the fight worse and set us back a few steps, closeness wise. well, today he did the same. called this "strike 2", when every couple fights? told me to pack a bag and leave, and tell him I was staying somewhere else.

surprise, it made this fight worse, sent my bf into a panic attack because i didn't think I was supposed to talk to him. ugh.

how do I quit taking my parents word as law? trust my own gut? because clearly his advice is fucking up my relationship.

my relationship deserves all of myself and not involving the advice of people who clearly are prejudiced against the person I want to be with. I just have to learn to think more independently and not feel guilt/compelled to tell my family every little thing.

**edit: dear old dad has texted asking me for an update. I dont even have the heart to write him back. the mixture of anger and disappointment is so strong just seeing his name pop up on my phone makes me mad. i wanna kick myself for ever trusting him with fucking anything.

So, a little background. I (RBN 31f) Just went NC with my Nmom since the beginning of this year. To do so, I moved to a different country with my young children (I’m also a single mom)... I had enough money to figure out life for a couple of months before a could get my work permit but COVID happened and I can’t see clearly when my work permit is gonna come and I’m running out of savings. So to say I’m a little stressed is an understatement.

Ok, so here goes the relationship part I have trouble with. 2 months ago, I met an awesome guy who is just what’s next to sweet, he is so caring and loving, he is so positive and really wants to be involved in my life. He cares about my children and is really nice to them and tries to learn a little bit of Spanish and makes an active effort to communicate with them which melt my heart. He is a few years my junior but I have learnt so much of him in this time I have known him, he seems to come from an understanding and loving family and he has a great relationship with his parents, is very mature and overall everything I could have wished for in a partner

Now, with all the stress I’m going through being unable to work because I don’t have a work permit I’m just feeling like freeing him of me, I just don’t want him to see me at my worst. I think I might have rushed thinking I was ready to date, being this new in a foreign country. I feel like is unfair from my part to keep dating him, cause I have a lot to unpack, I have many issues still, even being away from my nMom and I feel bad for him having to put up with me, I don’t want to become a burden to him, like emotionally nor it seems fair that he has to deal with my emotional problems.

Lately, even tho I really really like him, I’ve been pulling apart from him, because of all this. Today, he asked me if there was anything going on and I told him more or less what was going on with me (I was hesitant because I don’t want him to feel bad for me or obliged to help me in any way, nor I would feel comfortable accepting any kind of economical help from him) anyway we started talking about it and he told me that maybe my mom could help me out, that maybe I should reach to her for help, that he’s sure she’s gonna help me cause that’s what parents do when their kids need them so I about lost it and asked him to leave, I feel awful cause I know he might not get my situation fully but still I felt really bad just thinking about coming back to my nMom for help.

I don’t know how to apologize for snapping out and I don’t really know what should I do. Should I keep dating him? Or would it be better to just end things I don’t know if I was to eager and rushed to things thinking I could be able to have a relationship, he does seems like an awesome guy and I don’t wanna regret losing him later on in life. Can somebody please help me get perspective Sorry if this is unclear or all over the place, that’s my mind right now, also english is not my native language.

Thank you all for your input

The year was 2016 and my mom had a student teacher who was cute and innocent looking girl who she slowly encouraged me to date without being weird about it. Fast forward- this girl was a very skilled narcissist and hid that side of her for a good two years and I eventually proposed soon even though there were red flags. This girl distanced me from my family, friends and was the reason I discovered the meaning of the word narcissist. My aunt is even a psychiatrist and said she was the most skilled one she had ever met. I had never heard the term gas lighting until her. I am now in a happy relationship that is perfect but I am glad I went through the shit with her because it makes me appreciate this girl so much more and my family and friends........ my question is, this girl means so much to me but my family went through so much pain with the last girl, it seems like time has helped everyone EXCEPT my mom. I completely understand her side because I know she probably feels guilt because the she encouraged us to meet and honestly thought she was a very sweet girl at first and they were even good friends before I even met her with her being my moms student teacher. It hurts me to see her hurt from that basically with PTSD and I want her to like the girl I’m dating now so bad. She was hurt the most by the last girl out of my whole family(my mom was even at one point getting yelled at in the living room that God doesn’t hear prayers of bad people because the girl started crying because of one little comment my mom said that was misunderstood, they were trying to have a deep conversation but it was going nowhere and my mom offered to pray with her and that’s the response she got) another example of something she did was my mom met us for dinner with my brother and casually said she was on a small anti depressant because she was dealing with multiple stresses including our wedding plans. She was mainly dealing with other issues like my dads health and her sister getting cancer. So hearing that when we left this girl legitly tried to tell me on the way home it was unbelievable my mom was so miserable I was getting married to her she had to be on antidepressants. (What?! That’s the one thing you took away from her comment?) I want to know how I can help my mom move forward or if there is anything I can do to help this on my end.

I’m moving out in 70 days from my apartment here in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and my landlord wants to allow complete strangers to enter my apartment for showings.

I’m looking into my legal options. My landlord is treating apartment showings as if there was no pandemic.

As of today I’ve contacted the Legal Aid Society here, the Mayor’s office, and the county Covid office to see if they have passed any local law preventing this.

Any suggestions?