If you think you may hurt yourself or others, please call your local emergency services: 911, 999, 112, etc.

I don't doubt that they love me....

Yet, I don't want what they have to offer.

When I started quote unquote rebelling in 2015, my mother was so concerned about "the 'abuse' word that could be used in a court of law." Why? They were the taxpayers. I couldn't "touch them" and they knew that. In fact, I was harassed for years being told, "You were the one who started with calling the police!", when I brought up how the town police treated me. Ummm....Okay? My mother did realize that she and my father broke my door and they were so proud of having done it, right?

You think I liked, when I was younger, my mother driving up to the local psychiatric hospital and screaming, "THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO END UP!" She keeps calling me "crazy" and she says, "You're going to end up in a PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTION!" I try to remind her that she doesn't need me. She could drop me at any time. I've actually been on "dating Reddit" this past week and I had some nice interactions, but my life might not be in a place for any of that.

I'm struggling in a computer science degree when I'm not processing the programming work! I'm not scared of failing college because I'll be "a failure millennial story" or whatever else idiotic like that. I I've had to live in "the system" that wants to keep me in no matter what. I've always had to "prove myself" to the system, but what I do can never be enough! It's all a long story, but this is as much as I want to post tonight.

I didnt expect having issues with this after no contact but it feels like my parents are dead. not that i dont have a healthy emotional distance but the sadness hits me. ive heard people saying that you should grieve it but how?

Definitely raised by narcissists. I don't want to speak ill of the dead but I guess my grandma went along with my foster mother (my bio mother's sister) about when my bio mother died.

I don't have any recollections of my bio mother. She died when I was three. Cannot even remember being in her lap. The only hidden photos that I saw was of me - a 3 years old kid - sitting in people's lap at my own mother's funeral. Granted a 3 years old cannot remember that much but most would remember something, right?

Everytime I brought her up, they'd give these dramatic performances ranging from me being an ungrateful child to them not being good enough guardians that I'd be asking for my own mother. Is that so strange? I don't think so. "Am I such a bad mother that you're asking about the dead one?" I remember this clearly. "You are my biological child! Not hers!" Just what the fuck is that bullshit. That is messed up.

No, there was and there is no photos of me being baby. At all. Not with my own bio mother, not with any relatives. It is as if I don't have a childhood. It's incredible. I am all messed up in the head right now just from knowing this fact.

I was treated horribly by an ex boyfriend years ago and reached out for her help. I was in an abusive relationship and had no one to lean on but my family. My mom will never let it go and reminded me that without her, I would have been dead or at least homeless. It definitely wouldn’t get to that point but she constantly reminded me how stupid I was and how if I did listen to her, my life would have been better.

What do I do? How do I respond? Sometimes I feel like getting up and punching her right in the face.

To get this out of the way, please don’t say things like “Her house her rules” and “You’re an adult just don’t let her” etc because that’s not helpful and also I am quite literally unable to move out even though i DESPERATELY want to. Im 21 years old with a job and in school I do have savings but I under no circumstances can afford to move out my only choice is setting boundaries really. and how to successfully set them and be treated anything like an adult.

Recently my mom threatened to kick me out of the house because I wanted to go on a trip with my boyfriend (She doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend and only knows that he’s a friend.) I told her prior that I was going and she called me a psychopath for going on vacations with “friends” (she doesn’t believe in friends and thinks the only person I can trust is her.) We discussed that it was unfair that I wasn’t allowed to do anything and she agreed that I should be allowed to have friends and make my own decisions and we didn’t speak about it again. A week before my trip I started packing for it and she exploded at me. saying again that i was a psychopath and that this is how idiots like me get raped and murdered. i told her i was an adult and was going and we didn’t speak after that. the next day she texted me asking If I were still going and I said yes. She told me if I was going then I could find somewhere else to stay. I called her crazy and she said if i can’t follow rules and obey her I could leave, so i did.

I just went to work and was planning on just staying with my boyfriend for the night until i could figure out what to do. She came home saw I wasn’t there and that some of my clothes were gone and she called the police on me telling them i was suicidal and a danger to myself and they showed up to my job. she claimed she never told me i had to get out and i misunderstood her and she made me come back home.

she hasn’t left me alone since that day every time i turn around she’s there everytime i breathe she’s in my room accusing me of hating her and just wanting to leave her all alone and move out (Mind you she says if i move out/states which is my plan she would follow me and she’s now in the process of selling our house and buying one in the state I wanted to move to with my boyfriend when we had enough saved)

she’s invasive, doesn’t knock doesn’t believe in privacy and says that the next time me and my “friend” goes on vacation she’s coming with us and doesn’t understand why I told her that that was crazy and I wouldn’t allow it.

recently i took a picture of my hair to show a friend and accidentally texted it to her instead and I was like oh sorry that wasn’t for you and she called me five times to ask me about it and then made a big deal about me sending pictures to other people and said it’s weird to send pictures to other “females because they’re competitive” i told her who cares and it was just my hair and she was like “that’s probably just what you’re telling me”

she says our trust and relationship is broken because i went on the trip even tho she told me not to and she can’t trust me anymore or some bullshit.

she tracks my location. spam calls me if i’m a minute late. doesn’t allow me to hang out with friends or leave the house unless we get into a screaming match (she literally stole my keys once so i couldn’t leave the house after i one tickets to a taylor swift concert and she didn’t want me to go cus she couldn’t drive me and it was “dark outside”) gets mad at me for being on my phone all the time but there’s literally nothing else i can do im literally trapped in this house

im sick of having to either lie or beg to do things how do i even begin to try and set firm boundaries and get her to realize how psychotic this all is im so exhausted and feel like truly my only way out of this is suicide

I (19F) posted here yesterday. I feel like there will be more updates after this one. I hope not! I did what everyone in the comments told me to do. I filed for a restraining order. I am currently doing my research and I’m scared to file a police report but I’m going to suck it up. I have to now. My mom called the police on me again today and said I was doing drugs. Obviously I wasn’t. I talked with the officer and he said it was a good idea I got a restraining order. I told him everything that happened. He was really cool about it. He documented everything. Then my sister threatened me. She said she was going to get people to handle me and that I need to watch my back. I got screenshots of her saying it. My brother also said he was going to come beat me up. The whole family got angry at me for defending myself. I’m the youngest so I felt cornered and I told them to do it and I’ll call the cops. I won’t lie I got really angry because no one is on my side. Now I’m up paranoid waiting for someone to show up. Definitely getting the cops involved. This is the update for now but I don’t know how far this will go.

I find I tend to sit with my support workers sometimes going I'm honestly not sure what I want to do and I think it takes me a good while.

Tbh dosent help I've moved rurally either so not a lot going on.

I feel like I just sit there before my brain starts to scream at me

I feel like idk I guess

My dad's humiliating my mom in public right now. I can't hold it anymore. I'm getting so pissed my whole body has gone numb.

I don't care if I go to jail man

Someone please help me out.

I live in a 1 bedroom house with my mom. Her room is the living room and I have the bedroom. She is a straight Horder and we are short on space. It's been cleaned out before and she started bringing things in. She brought a computer monitor without the power supply, I replaced it with a new monitor and gave away the old monitor. She became enraged, while having a new monitor.

Physically, verbally and emotionally abused since around 5 (20 years ago). Coward of a mother denied it at first. Then shifted to “Well only when you hit me first”. I simply hung up because I know there is no reason to argue with someone that will simply deny it. But I wish i didn’t. I wish a didn’t decide to be the “bigger person” and said every mean, nasty thing I could have possibly said to that manipulative, lying, disgusting, trash ass human being. Should I continue to bite the bullet and just let it go?

We had the money. We had a nanny who could have easily taken to me class. I bought a trifold and would put on presentations of why I should be allowed but she wouldn’t do it. I’m still sad I missed out on that experience :(

Nmom got married recently and I don’t trust her new personality at all. It’s like she’s trying to show off to her new husband and his family that she IS a selfless, loving, and empathetic person. So she’ll be super kind to me in front of him and everything but I always see that small twitch in her face when she’s trying to hold back what she really wants to say.

My mom dressed up as me for Halloween when I was 15. She wore bright orange makeup on her face and didn’t blend to her neck, lots of eyeliner concealer for lipstick, and wore hair extensions that looked raggedy on purpose. It humiliated me at the time but it was kind of funny because nobody knew what her costume was and people just thought she sucked at makeup and hair lol. One time I brought it up to her in front of her friend and her kid to shame her a little and she completely denied it happened. When it was brought up again a few years later she said she just didn’t know what else to dress up as because she was so poor because she had to quit working cause of me. Btw she quit working cause she was laid off in 2008 and was a loan officer, she says it was because of me they were poor because I needed help. It pisses me off when she blames us being poor on me because trust me I could have used some love and attention. She lived in our garage and got high with her trashy drugged up washed up friends all day for 10 years “because of me” lol I have to laugh

one thing I know about my parents, they really like cleaning the house more than anything. they have no other hobby or personality other than excessively cleaning the house and even when it's not needed they still do it.

They forced me to clean, even with schoolwork and my hobbies, they just wanted us to clean and gets super dramatic if we don't do it. All my life felt like it was dedicated to do their bidding and this stupid house. I dropped out of college cause I knew I wouldn't be able to focus if I was just forced to clean and do chores every fucking day.
now I find solace in just avoiding that work altogether and ignoring their stupid tantrums, it gets difficult when they're also stubborn about it. No one in their fucking lives are this dedicated to cleaning the house noone should live like this.

Inspired by today's meltdown, I have compiled the three funniest things that make my N upset.

1. Sneezing. Yes, my 59 year old father will fly into an hours-long episode if he sneezes, especially more than once. Just today he started throwing dishes around and pushing past me because he sneezed twice after dinner. He is so childish he's regressed past infancy and into an actual puppydog, sneezing then biting at the human's ankles because he can't understand that we didn't make him sneeze.
2. His own actions. Another classic, my deadbeat "retired" (fired for harassment) father will choose to do a chore for once, and then fall into a simmering rage because of the chore he's doing. Today that was taking out the trash. He grabbed a garbage bag and collected the trash from five bins in the house, and then stopped, waited around until he saw me, and ordered me to take out the trash from the other 3 bins. Here's how the lovely conversation went! (Picture him simmering with rage, and completely befuddled that I am not in agony for having to do a small chore like he apparently is).

"Yup! I'll do that!"
"Well, I already took the bins from downstairs and the main floor."
"Mhm! I'll take them out."
"Yeah, you need to take out the rest."
"Yup."
"Because I already took out half of them."
"Mhm." 3. Ambiguity. No, I don't mean unclear messaging. I mean any unclear or non-prophetic statement, from anyone in the world, period. Not anyone disagreeing with him: any ambiguity. He googles "Beef stew recipe", and there is more than one recipe: he flies into a rage for hours, yelling at his family about how someone must be wrong and how they're going to be "ruined" for making that mistake. He, a 59 year old adult man, has had more than one meltdown about whether or not to put tomatoes in his soup. The thought that he can choose whether to or not based on his own preference seems to have not occurred to him.
He goes to the store and spends five honest to god Canadian cents more than he thought because of a mislabeling on a single orange, he is yelling for two days and about to boycott the supermarket. Rants lasting hours. Just over and over, "How dare they, how can they do this, what a mistake, they're going to go out of business, everyone agrees with me, everyone hates them, I'll get that cashier fired (it had nothing to do with her but he always needs a woman or minority as a scapegoat)..."
The weather station changes their forecast as time goes on and they get more information: simmering hatred. For that matter, they say "60% rain" and it doesn't rain? He's shouting off the rooftops, "they don't know what they're talking about!". For him, there's 100% and 0% and nothing inbetween.
If two people disagree, and he notices it, he demands that one of them be punished - usually by banning them from having any platform, as well as firing them, banning them from having a job for life, and sometimes running them out of the country. If he remembers someone in 1980 saying that a food additive was safe and now sees someone saying new research says it's not, he is going to flip out.
For that matter, even perceived ambiguity sets him off. He somehow thinks that people who exercise think that they will literally live forever, and thus is set off whenever he sees someone more fit than him. I swear to god he's like that Aqua Teen KFC commercial, except Carl was supposed to be a ridiculous joke character and no human being was supposed to unironically act like him.

I could go on but that's the top three for him. What's the top things that set your Ns off?

I work with intellectually disabled adults. One client is about 35. His mom is about 50. His mom is both ID and a complete narc. I haven't spoken to his stepdad much but he's at best an enabler. I'm aware that he is ID as well. Everyone I'm discussing are high functioning and are capable of mostly independent living.

I'm more of a care taker than a social worker, but one of the ways I find value in my role is just having a second pair of eyes on people. In large part due to me making a fuss and following up, My client was removed from his parent's house and placed in a group home. he's so much more healthy and happy. He's clean, groomed, taken care of. He's so much less stressed and it's completely removed his worse behaviors and cut his junk behavior in half, easily.

Actually making choice is way outside my role, but I document. I talk to him and document what he tells me. I talk to my boss to make sure the severity is communicated properly. My bosses are great but there was a few times they thought I was just venting and I was like "no, for real." I show them some of the crap I see. He has a history of lying but I confirmed this stuff with my own eyes or by asking his mom about it.

In the first month I had him, his mom:

• Convinced him to take out a loan and hand her all the cash. She was eating 4 to 5 meals a day at fast food joints and he was eating pinto beans he got from the food bank. This was a year ago and he's just now about to pay it off.

• Got him to sign up for food stamps and then took his card.

• Got him to sign up for internet in his name. Separate TV in every room but his, most expensive internet package. Comcast let him cancel after he moved out when I explained the situation. His mom tried to make him upgrade to business one day (to lock him into a contract) and I called his case worker on the spot and that stopped her.

• Took his phone and used it as her own.

• Sold most of his clothes. When I say sold, I mean like yardsale for a couple of bucks.

• Given him an awful haircut as a punishment for some nonsense. My boss nearly cried when she saw it. We just paid for a new haircut and his mom bitched but couldn't say anything to us.

• tried to make him wear clothes that were several sizes too small, and tried to make him wear women's clothes (not harshing anyone's vibe, but that was super not his vibe.)

There's a lot more, but these are the things that checked all the boxes and that I could reasonably confirm. There was reports of sleep deprivation but I had no way to confirm. And my bosses always followed up on stuff, but in some cases he was proven to be lying. I don't want to give too much detail.

I spoke with him today after working with a different group for a few months, and while I don't think he understands that I was looking out for his rights, he seemed like a different person. No longer talking about food and sleep and yelling. I got a little emotional.

Just wanted to share.

There was once a man by the name of Shang Hou, a young master of a very wealthy merchant group. As a young boy Shang Hou was taken advantage of by trusted people around him. At the time he did not know anything but grew to be disgusted. But Shang Hou had dreams, Shang Hou has wild fantasies of becoming a hero just like the ones in stories. Being liked by all and wanting to help the downtrodden people. Then Shang Hou learned that he was not wanted by his father, that his father left him and talked about his other son he had illegitimately. Shang Hou never lost hope however, he wanted to be better and loved, even if he was trampled upon.Foolish Shang Hou was embarrassed and outcast by his peers, Shang Zhou grew unruly and became unnatural, trying to become the centre of attention which garnered him scorn and was made to face the world in which he was not welcome and gradually becoming perverted and disgusting. Shang Hou was spoiled and rotten, he one day in a moment of madness did something he would regret for his entire life, at the age of 12 he touched a child. Immediately after he was wracked by nightmares and self loathing. He believed that there was no future left for him and was plagued by the thought of ending it all. One night while his mother was sleeping, Shang Hou picked up a knife and thought about ending it all, thought about taking a way out. In the end Shang Hou couldn’t. His cowardice made him stay in the world to try to make amends. Shang Hou was then taken out of his pit of despair only to be forced into it again by a trusted confidant of his who wanted to get close to him for money. Shang Hou felt as if his heart turned to ice. He knew that people were only interested in him for material gain and without it he was nothing. But Shang Hou laughed, softly, quietly, and despairingly. He laughed because he had no hope, he cried tears because he didn’t know what to do. He thought that he shouldn’t be allowed to exist but that he was going to dedicate his life to amends for the child and their family through monetary means. However Shang Hou was a beast in human skin and always contemplated about ending himself. His peers always despised him because he didn’t want to interact with them, to stain them with his presence. Shang Hou lied to others about his achievements and beliefs and fought with disgusting thoughts and wondered if life was always going to be like this. Shang Hou did not wish to turn to otherworldly beliefs because he was too dirty and could not be cleansed. Eventually Shang Hou during the middle of the night ran out of the house with a knife and shovel. Shang Hou ran and ran up to a hill where he pretended to play and run around like his younger self when he noticed a patch of flowers growing at the top of the hill. He started to dig, dig, and dig. His clothes got dirty and his fingernails were soon caked with dirt but he dug until he had a pit suited enough for the deed. He lay in his bed of cold, hard earth and slowly put the knife to his neck. The townspeople woke up the next day and organized a search party, eventually they found him, eyes closed with a bloody slit on his throat. However Shang Hou was smiling. Shang Hou was smiling because he felt like the monster that the hero defeats in tales told far and wide. How ironic that there was no hero for Shang Hou. The townsfolk left him there and buried him under dirt and grime because he was disgusting to them. A young man who was twisted and dirtied in the soul. As the years went by the flowers also died, and soon the ground healed with no mark being left. Shang Hou was a coward, monster, and an evil being, but he had dreams. People scorned his dreams but he still had them. How ironic that the monster who tried to play the hero eventually destroyed itself. Right dear reader?

-Insomniac

About 2-3 years ago, my mom woke me up at 4 in the morning and asked if she could use my $200 i got from christmas and and my birthday. And since i could barley process anything i just said yes and went back to sleep. She said she would pay me back. Keep in mind this was my christmas/birthday money so. Now i cant get the racing sim stuff Ive always wanted. How do I get her to pay me back?

I’m 19 and I haven’t finished highschool yet because I went through a mental breakdown around graduation time where I was institutionalized so I missed graduation and finishing school. I feel so behind in life and have felt like this has held me back for months but I’m now 2 credits away from my highschool diploma finally. I am super dependent on my parents and they try their best to force me to be that way but I feel as if I can’t grow as a person until im away from them. My parents give me money and I also live with my dad which is mainly the narcissist, my mom is the enabler. They said they would buy me a car after I graduate which is the first step to getting into the real world more I guess but I know they’re gonna hold that over my head and try to use it to keep me close since it’s gonna be under their name. I’m also planning on getting a job once I get the car and my mom is okay with that. (They wouldn’t let me get a job in the past when I tried to) I feel very lost and alone and held back in life but I also have to realize that im holding myself back as well when I let them hold such power over my life and im tired of it. I want to change my life and I want to change. I’m also going to apply to colleges after I graduate and live at the dorms but im worried of not even getting into college and being forced to go to community for 2 years and then living at home. I know I could probably get an apartment after working for a while but apartments seem so expensive and how could I afford one with no job experience in an entry level job? I don’t know what to do, any advice would be helpful and im desperate at this point to get out of this hellhole What other steps do I need to take to be self sufficient and out of their reach?

That's it. I have no real words, nothing very coherent... I just feel like Utter Fucking SHIT. She came to visit and has been ganging up on me with nmom leaving me feeling crazy, doubting myself, and fantasizing about suicide or running away. The betrayal? Off the fucking charts. Trauma? Absolutely. Her husband's her fucking servant and basically a fucking Meal Ticket!!! I snapped at her for the way she treats him. Then she accused me of being the one with a nasty attitude. She starts pressuring me and I accidentally mention something about her and nmom. She starts trying to gaslight the shit out of me and saying she has no fucking idea what I'm talking about and starts looking at me like I'm crazy 🤦‍♀️... she starts jumping down my throat for answers and refuses to answer any of the questions I politely asked her First. I basically say, "no I don't feel like being gaslighted."

What fucking kills me the most is having to fucking realize that she's just like my fucking nEx...it fucking kills me. It fucking kills me that I was blind to it all for so long. They're both takers that look for empathetic givers to fucking continue traumatizing and taking advantage of. That's all I ever was to her, her property and supply, basically a fucking service and not my actual own fucking person. She's hurt me so much and the abuse is only continuing now with her husband. She's a fucking disgusting parasite, she's riding on her husband's back like he's her fucking donkey while she gets to stay at home and he has to haul ass and work 12 hour shifts and then she bitches because "he sleeps too much when he's home!!"

She bitches about him. She barks orders at him. He casually mentioned that she fucking has him massage her almost daily and that he sleeps on the couch as to not disturb her when he gets home...She's fucking disgusting. My N-ex did the same thing to me, was never happy or satisfied with me. Took advantage of me. I made all the big compromises, he couldn't be bothered... it's just too much. Facing all of the abuse starting with my nParents, then nEx, and coming to terms with all of this about my sister makes me feel alittle hopeless. I just. I don't know. I don't feel good.

After realizing my father was a narcissistic enmeshed abuser and my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t protect me or leave him to protect me, I walked away from them and cut off contact to heal. I reconnected 5 years later when my mother had a heart attack. I helped care for her and tried to put up with my father in a healthy way. But I ultimately couldn’t.

After ending my relationship with them for another 5 years, I tried again. This time my father physically threatened me. He didn’t hit me, but you could see he wanted to. And of course it was my fault for “provoking him.”

So now it is 10 years later and my mother is home from the hospital recovering from major surgery and an extended hospital stay. I again agree to help her in her recovery because if I don’t she will have to go to the only nursing facility in our area and it is an awful place. I’v been helping her by getting her in and out of bed for the bathroom and doctor visits because she has very little mobility and my father is unable to do this by himself.

Today, my father tore into me with every hurtful thing he could say to me. And he made sure to say several times that he was never the problem but that my “crazy sick brain” was.

I want to leave them again. But I really am worried my mother will have to go to this awful place. She wasn’t the best mom but I don’t believe she deserves a place that is being investigated for the abuse and neglect of patients resulting in their deaths.

I can’t sleep because I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

Because I can’t even tell which one I am anymore.

I just can't stop having nightmares. For the first time in years i'm safe, and finally able to sleep, but every time I sleep it's torture.. I've woken up yelling multiple times when i'm just here, and safe, and alone. But still uneasy in my sleep.

I've sleep sometimes for as little as 3 hours, then wake up and not be able to sleep again until i'm literally exhausted.

I'm not suicidal but i'm a type of tired I can't explain. I'm crippled, massive tbi from my family, nothing and nobody left in my life because I push them away and fear being close with anybody except a lover. Can't find work that suits me, can't find an apartment that will let me work from home... it just goes on and on, and once I solve one problem immediately there's a new obstacle.

I just worry all the time now, about everything, and I mean all the time. I'll just sit in bed, stare at the wall and worry.

i'm just whining, idk what to say or do or feel anymore.

thank you for coming to my ted whinge.

Or just me? If I ever wanted something in my life that or had a dream that I mentioned. It was shot down immediately. " That's too hard, you can't do that" or laughed as if what I'm interested in is silly. Now you're convincing your brain that's it ok to dream and you're worthy of whatever you want in your life?

Trigger warning: pedophilia, rape, sexual harassment

Edit: I remembered more examples today, which I have inserted below. This was also posted on r/CPTSD

I (28F) have just started reading about covert sexual abuse and I have been wondering if my parents (especially my father) did this to me. I often feel him staring at my body and it makes my skin crawl. I can't make eye contact with him anymore because I don't want to catch him doing it.

For context, I am the youngest daughter in the family. My parents and 2 of my siblings are strict Catholics. Me and my brother left the faith a few years ago.

My dad was physically, religiously and psychologically violent throughout our childhood. Too many examples to bore you with here. I'm just focusing on potential covert SA.

Some examples:

• When I was 8, my dad squeezed my waist in front of our family and said, "She's already got wide hips/a womanly hourglass figure". My grandma did something similar a few years later, saying I should think about having children with my childbearing hips (I was a teenager).

• Again when I was 8, we watched a movie together in which there was a girl being raped. He didn't take the DVD out or anything. He just let me watch it. We ended up watching that movie a few times. It made me terrified and convinced that I would get raped one day.

• When I hit puberty, I noticed my dad would constantly look at my bum and boobs as I walked past. He would make comments about my backside, or how the outline of my butt was visible through my pants. Then he would say it was because my clothes were revealing (I was just lounging around the house in sweats. Sometimes in shorts if it was hot).

• When I was about 15, my piece of shit uncle was caught with child pornography on his computer. My dad continued to allow my uncle to come visit us as a family. My little brother was 12 at the time.

Dad also attended my uncle's court dates to give him a "good character reference", which I have never forgiven him for.

• Dad was constantly body checking me, walking into the room to check that my bum/boobs/legs weren't showing. For example, once he called me a slut for wearing a pair of denim cut-offs in the summer. They were short but not booty pants. I was a teenage virgin.

Another time, he called me an exhibitionist because of how I was dressed going to a party (i was wearing long pants, long sleeves high neck shirt but with a belt that accentuated my waist. I was also one of the most modestly dressed girls at the party).

Another time, I was followed by a man in a car. When I told dad, he asked, "Well, what were you wearing?" There are loads of other examples like that. Eventually, he recruited my sister to do the body checking for him because I was getting ticked off at him for doing it. This lasted throughout my teens until I moved out at age 20.

• When I was about 16, he would get jealous and possessive about potential boyfriends or male friends in general. I had a secret boyfriend for about 1 month. Dad and mum sat me down in front of my computer and watched over my shoulder as they forced me to break up with my boyfriend over Facebook. My bf hadn't done anything wrong; our relationship was very innocent and we had known each other since childhood. I felt really guilty and have since explained it all; we are still friends.

• Dad would also casually say things in front of us kids like, "Women who dress provocatively are pieces of meat/ are asking for it"

• He occasionally called me pet names like "kitten" and "angel" that always felt suggestive and gross, usually to try and win me back over when I was annoyed at him.

• When I was little, he insisted on my massaging and tickling his hands/arms when we were watching TV. I always felt uncomfortable. When I wanted to stop and leave the room, he would whine to guilt me into staying. I don't think he ever did this with any of my siblings.

• My mum would sometimes slap my butt and call me "sexy legs". She would also accuse me of tempting men at church if even my shoulders were a bit exposed. She would say that I should be careful because "pubescent girls are beautiful".

• Even just recently, I told dad that my manager had been sexually harassing me at work. For example, when I told my manager that I was feeling suicidal, he rubbed the back of my neck and told me not to hurt myself because I was "very pretty".

Dad's reaction was to chuckle proudly as if to say, "Look at me! My daughter is pretty & I am flattered that she is being hit on by her manager!" (At least that's how I interpreted it).

Anyway, I still feel extremely uncomfortable around my dad especially; he makes my skin crawl and I do everything in my power to avoid being alone with him.

I still endure forced hugs and kisses from my parents on the rare occasion that I see them. I don't see that as weird in itself, but it makes me uncomfortable because of my upbringing and the fact that I don't like them.

I have always wondered how some girls love being around their dads so much.

What do you think? Can this be classified as covert sexual abuse or is it just garden variety crappy parenting?

I'm going through a hell of a hard time right now with my narcissist mother just lying, verbally and psychological abusing me and she's raising hell with my dad and sister as well. I can't deal her behavior towards us anymore. We all think that she needs to go back to the mental hospital where she belongs.

I'm 3 weeks postpartum with my second child and got asked why I haven't invited nmom to "visit her grandson yet?"

This is just the tip of the iceberg and the latest with her. I'm... repulsed by the message, but feel so gaslit at this point that I'm certain I deserve to be spoken to like this.

In the back of my mind I'm screaming "WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO START SHIT WITH ME POSTPARTUM!??!"

Nmom's text is below. I'm going NC indefinitely and it's sad how destroyed she's gonna be but it's at the point where I have to choose between having this toxic cycle with her OR making something beautiful with my children and fiancé... and to me it's a no-brainer.

Ps (for clarification in the text, I'm an international adoptee)

Here's how it went: Don't start the once again thing with me because I feel exactly the same way with you and about you. I feel like I'm only good for you when you need me otherwise you could go the rest of your life without seeing me or talking to me And no matter how you treat me OP, I'm still always there for you aren't I? For 14 months my first grandchild was pretty much taken away from me I didn't get any phone call to come and see her I didn't get any communication from you to come and see her. There was very little communication between us at all but then when you needed me I was right there for you wasn't I? Because that's what a good and real mother does. And I may not be your birth mother but I am your real mother and I have loved you your whole entire life no matter what you've done no matter what has transpired I have never one time stopped loving you and I go out of my way to try to give you as many real compliments that I can I try to give you as much support as I possibly can and none of it has been words it's all been truth from my heart. I didn't say you disrespected me and you're grown up enough now that you don't have to feel that you don't seem to be able to be who I need you to be because truthfully it's the other way around I can turn myself inverted stand on my head and s*** nickels and it would not be good enough for you because somewhere along the line I would say something or do something that I'm not even aware of,or what I have said and you will not sit and talk to me about it instead you clam up and you punish me internally for it and maybe you don't even realize you do that but you haven't really spoken to me since I left there. I still don't know what I said or did that made you so angry. We were chatting when we were eating french fries from McDonald's in the car & I said I felt so badly you were doing your homework on the closet floor and you said yeah I was really really mad and that's as far as you went.. you didn't say mom, you know when you do this, this is how it makes me feel and give me a chance to first of all be informed of what I did and second of all to apologize and thirdly to understand what I did wrong so I don't do it again.. how nice it is that you actually have a mother like that OP .. And there's nothing I expect from you... I only "want" love and respect that doesn't mean I expect it but you do expect something from me and you do put me in a place in your life that if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing that you turn your back on me and if you don't know that you do that then that's pretty sad. And as far as (OP's aunt) concerned she thinks she got an official invitation she's just waiting for (OP cousin) to give her the go and then they're going to get their tickets and come. Do you not think that it would have been really sweet or natural for a daughter to call her mom and say Mom I had a beautiful healthy little boy and we're both doing fine and I hope that as soon as we get all settled here that you're able to come and stay with us and meet him we're cuz we are looking forward to that. Instead, I get nothing nothing no words like that ever whatsoever. I'm the one that had to tell (OP Fiance) that you didn't want me there before the birth because he thought that I was going to be there and on the way home I told him no, (OP) not comfortable with that and that's okay and he said well then you can come right after and so I got all my clothes together and waited each day and nobody informed me of anything nobody said no we don't want you to come yet we're not ready for you to come we need some time to do this and this and this. I'm an understanding loving person I would have said okay. I even told (OP Fiance) I had a ride there twice because my friend and her husband were going to give me a ride up and then (OP brother's) friend was going to give me a ride because he was going that way and he was going to drop me off and then I finally told (OP fiance) that I was going to come on Flixbus Bus whenever you guys were ready to just let me know and I never heard a thing back. I'm not chastising you for anything (OP), I'm just telling you when you do things like that, as your mother it makes me feel left out as the grandmother it makes me feel left out. a simple call with a few simple words or a simple text with a few simple words of when it would be a good time for me to come would have sufficed but when you tell me nobody's been INVITED and I know that (Aunt) and (Cousin) have been invited, it just hurts me a little bit more because I haven't had any kind of talk with you like that. So it's possible (aunt) could call you next week and tell you that (cousin) can get away the following week. She expressly told me they could still come in April but it could be May or it could be June all she was waiting for was for (cousin) to give her the go and they were on their way . Don't you understand that I'm a little afraid because last time when (OP first child) was a baby I obviously did something I wasn't supposed to do and for 14 months I didn't get to see my first grandchild and then when I came to your place in January I did something or said something again that upset you and so I thought maybe that's what was happening again that you just didn't want me around at all.

My Nmom and flying monkey EStepdad watch alot of game shows like "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and I've realized it is just so they can talk a load of shit about every contestant to make themselves feel more intelligent than they actually are. They are both dumb as bricks and horrible people, so hearing them constantly say only projecting things like "She is SO stupid!", "She is SO annoying!", "This woman is extremely fake", "This woman is extremely unlikable", "This woman is very poorly read", etc. while watching is hilarious and indicative of just how delusion they are.

Anyone else have Ns do this?

Life is good, or at least it should be. I am going to great school, a great program and I am doing great. People tell I am likeable and I am passionate about a ton of things. Yet, my self-steem is as brittle as they come. A single not-so-good-grade (The kind of grade that people will roll their eyes at me being upset for) or a negative interaction in my day to day will mess me up a lot. I thought things were different, that after high school by going to therapy and learning to be self-aware and more down to earth, things like this would not hurt, but they do.

My father is a monster, and since I can remember all I have ever wanted has been to move as far as I can from him, he beat me up and made me hate myself and he drove my mom and brother physically away through physical, emotional, and economic violence. Damn this last part is especially disheartening, I hate how much time I have had to stick around for because of money, I go to university in my hometown because of that, because my father has always exerted economic pressure by threatening to cut me out explicitly or implicitly, the last time was just last December when he kicked my cat out to move in his new wife without telling me.

It is tough to get stuff done because of this paralyzing anxiety I have around my future, it is all I dream of and all I can think of, but it is also terrifying. Making decisions for myself to get me to the place I want, away from my dad and somewhere I can heal feels so overwhelming. Because I think deep inside, if I fail, it will force me to stay near him and prove I am unworthy. It is such a toxic and negative mindset but I can't help but dread having to apply to internships or spending hours reading forums of people applying for the same type of positions. I really don't want to fail, I have people who support me, but I am so scared that they are just saying I am great or I am smart just to please me. What if I am simply not good enough? Everybody's aunt thinks they are very talented don't they?

I am trying to grow up, but growing up feels so tough when so much is at stake for me. Adulting for things like this is completely on me. I don't want to let down people in my family who have believed in me, but I just mostly don't want my dreams to be shattered. I really do try hard at what I do, but it feels like sometimes what I have needed all along was a healthy childhood and knowing the right people.

​

Sorry for the rant

TW body shaming, racism, death, violence

Hello! I’m new to Reddit (to explain my lack of karma), but I found this forum after searching for similar experiences. I’m hoping for some perspective on my current outlook and practical advice on how to get through this week.

A few months ago, I started therapy after feeling insincere in my close relationships. I had just moved, and I was trying to make friends in a new, more politically liberal place. I felt like I kept screwing up social interactions because I kept policing myself on anything I might say that wasn’t 100% perfect for whomever I was speaking to. I started to realize that I had an incredible amount of shame over how I truly felt and expressed myself, and that I seemed to prefer when my new relationships came with discernible hierarchies. At least then, I somewhat knew how to police my interactions.

Side note: I’m also newly out as non-binary — a facet of my identity that’s only affirmed ~10% of the time despite living in a blue state. This is something my parents don’t understand nor care to learn more about. I have actually come out to my parents, but they still call me she/her. I’ve tried to make my pronouns clear (they/them), but I’ve given up at being vocal about my identity with them. Still, it’s a part of me that makes me feel generally isolated from my closest relationships.

About my parents: They homeschooled me for 10 out of 12 years, because of their concerns towards the % of minority groups in public schools. I knew I was sheltered my entire childhood, but I didn’t know how much of a grip my parents had over my life. They used to denounce every other family I’d hang out with, saying “aren’t you so glad your parents are normal?” I remember looking at them for approval whenever I played any kind of media. I was so afraid to play music that I liked out loud, because my dad was outspoken about “good” and “bad” music to the point of tantrums. I remember being proud of my naturally skinny 9 year-old body, because my parents would point out people running on the street, saying things like “can you believe that hippo is even trying?” My dad would often travel for work, and my mom would use self-tanner, finally take a shower, and not eat at all during the day of his return. She bought a treadmill during Christmastime once, when I was 14 and finally a normal, healthy weight, saying it was for me.

When I entered puberty age, I started to stop talking around my parents. This was around the time of Ferguson and police violence discussions. I learned about it online, and I couldn’t revert my thinking after finally understanding more about the USA’s systemic injustices. My father and grandfather regularly joked about black people, using the n-word. My silent blank stare seemed to make them uncomfortable; in 2012 and 2013, both Thanksgiving dinners had my dad yelling at me for silently disassociating during their racist behavior. This was when my parents started implying to me and to my sister that I hated them and wanted to break up our family. From this point, until I moved out in 2016, I noticed patterns of anger followed by silent treatments, withholding love, and increased skepticism of beliefs I arrived at independently. (Which they only found out about through my nervous silence.)

To my knowledge, most fights within my family began from a paranoid place of angry reflection due to my silence. I feel very stuck concerning my disassociation, as it feels impossible not to revert to silence in their presence. It’s more than silence though — it feels more like inability to speak combined with self-preservation.

Concerning my sister: she’s had black roommates, which sent my dad into a multi-day temper tantrum that ended with physical violence (he slapped her). She’s also grown up online, which meant they snooped through her phone and found underage nudes, which they punished her for and haven’t stopped shaming her for, even now that she’s 23.

Practically speaking, things have changed with time. Politics rarely come up anymore, and when they do, it’s mostly just awkward. They’re in their 70s now (I’m 26), just to clarify. When we hang out, it feels like they mostly reflect on certain aspects of their lives, including my life and how they raised me. Or, they go on rants about advice they want to give me. It feels impossible to talk about news or tech developments or current media — they’re not up to date nor interested. Instead of looking outward, conversations look inward.

About the current situation: My dad’s mother passed away three days ago. She was my last grandparent to pass away, and she was a selfless rock in our family. I’m in town, staying in their guest bedroom, helping to move furniture and accompany them to the funeral this weekend. I want to be a positive impact during this time, but I keep finding myself unable to speak. I feel constantly annoyed and stressed. I’ve tried mindfulness and meditating, but by the end of the day, I’m still so frustrated knowing that I feel inescapable shame and helplessness in my daily life due to how I was raised. I never felt like they considered me as an autonomous entity whose feelings were valid. I still don’t get the impression that they see me as an adult with lived experience.

I feel like the only way to deal with this situation is to somehow try to talk to them about my unhealed distrust and fear of them. But, knowing that I have tried to talk to them about moments where they hurt me in the past, and that they firmly believe in all cases that they were blameless because they were older, wiser, and deserving of respect on principle — I find this option to be Super Scary and Something I Don’t Really Want To Do. I also don’t want to put a spotlight on myself when my dad’s occupied with and stressed out by his grief.

I’m hoping for perspective on how to self-soothe while in front of them. I guess I’m also wondering how I can divert their attention from asking intrusive questions of me during conversations (what non-political topics can I get 70-year olds to talk about that also avoid self-reflection?). And, I’m hoping for any calming wisdom on how I can actively help during this mourning time without opening myself up to one-way vulnerability. Finally, and hopefully: does it sound like there’s even a solution to this?

I know that’s a lot! Any thoughts are welcome! :)