Ive been sexually abused all my life by different people and I learned to just accept it, and to enjoy it. I sexualize myself so much, I go out in public wearing revealing clothing hoping theres a man out there that will assault me and grope me or just do something to me, the part that scares me is wondering if its just a fantasy or if i’d actually let it happen/enjoy it if it happened to me, I know I am this way because of all ive been through but it sucks feeling like ill be this way forever

ive been sexually abused most of my life and assaulted by different people growing up, ive never talked about this but i can see how much its affecting me, not sure why im typing this, i just look for comfort in posting how im feeling

I’m wondering if anyone has experienced navigating a pretext phone call to their abuser or rapist? The detective (overseeing my case) and I have an agreed upon date in January. I’ve been struggling with the script he suggests we follow and I’ve been encouraged to make changes. Im just pulling myself together after a rough depressive patch and trying to prepare myself as best I can. I plan to reach out to a victims advocate to request support for the day of. The events are historic and charges are not likely to be perused without an explicit admission of guilt, I’m trying my best to make peace with that. More than anything I’m hoping it’s helpful to someone else in the event there are more people than myself he’s harmed. My first abuser died, was never held accountable. I want to move forward from the strongest position possible. Advice/tips appreciated.

The first time I was raped was 3 years ago by my father, shortly after I got 14, but that’s not when the bad things started. He already groped and molested me several times before that. First I thought he was just joking around and I didn’t fully understand but later did it became more frequently and he even went showering with me when mom wasn’t at home. During one of the the times it happened did he choke me after I refused and raped me in the shower. I was bleeding and it was very painful, I cried so heavily and long that day. He even released his cum in me and praised me afterwards. He said if I tell it anyone, that he will hurt me and the people I care about. I know it was wrong but I kept quiet and let it going for several month until I became pregnant and had a abortion and my mom found out. I told everything and he got arrested and is now away. But I felt broken and sick of what I did for that time and did terrible and crazy sexual things with other people that I didn’t like, just to forget it. I went to therapy and still go but it helps just for a short time and then I get back into the same bad cycle. Then the second time I was raped totally made me a mess and go crazy I think. Even though I try it with therapy and distract myself with sexual things, but the second time was very rough too. I was at party from university students because of one of my friends older sister and it was my worst decision. I met two guys who made me heavily drunk and probably drugged me with something. I was feeling so strange and hot and was also shaky on the legs. We went outside and I was taking the car with them, I don’t even remember fully why and we got to their apartment and drunk again. I tried several times to go but they said just one more round and after many more rounds did I try to go but they didn’t let me and grabbed my hair and throw me into the bedroom and raped me. I can’t remember everything of what happened, I passed out a few times but I was heaving marks and bruises all over me and I felt cum inside and my mouth so much, I was vomiting a lot the next morning and also during the day. They said it was consensual but it wasn’t but I didn’t had any proof to dispute that. I didn’t go to report it because I was drinking and also took some pills from them.

I ask myself, is that my fault that it already happened twice? Why me and will I ever get over that and forget those things?

Last new years eve I made the worst mistake of my life. I was raped multiple times at a new years eve party. I asked myself so many questions this year. Why did I go? I didn't know anyone there. Why did I dress like that? I had never worn that outfit before and didn't plan on wearing it ever. Why did I drink so much? I had never been drunk before. Why did I act like that? It wasn't like me at all. Why did I turn down a ride home? I thought I could drive home. Why did I stay? They said I was too drunk to drive and I was. Why did I orgasm? I never had with anyone before. Why did I say I liked it? I didn't. All these questions have been eating me up inside. It was all my fault. I did it to myself with my stupid decisions. I have to live with this forever. I don't know what to do. This one night has led to more bad decisions and that leads to more guilt, regret, self hate. Will I ever get over it? Will I ever forgive myself? Will I ever go back to the old me? I'm so tired. I'm not giving up but damn life is hard.

i’m 17f and two years ago my boyfriend started to try things even though i was never ready. oral was the first thing, i always said no yet he still continued to force my head down, i felt so disgusted but with him being my first boyfriend i thought that’s just what happened and eventually i have in to his needs. every single time i left him i felt sick, i couldn’t bare to look at myself. he then started to assault me and my body, and no matter how much i tried to leave every single time he’d take me on a date or organise a movie night, trying to show me that he still cared and that he loved me. but then there was one day where i was falling asleep and he just forced himself on top of me trying to keep me awake. at the time neither of his parents were home, he’d pinned me down and i said no so many times but he carried on. i froze, in my head i wanted to scream and push him off but i just couldn’t move. afterwards he just left me lying there whilst he cleaned himself up and i just couldn’t wait to go home. a couple weeks later i finally managed to break up with him after many times of trying to distance myself and he was crying to me. saying how much he loved me and didn’t want to loose me and he didn’t hear me say no. at that point in time i felt awful, second guessing myself whether i was loud enough for him to hear and if it was my fault. i managed to report it this year after two years of isolation and harm, but i still don’t feel closure. i keep having these vivid nightmares which seem more like memories of the exact times of it happening over and over, and i just want them to stop but i don’t know what to do. i’ve tried speaking to someone but i just can’t seem to lift the pain im forever holding. i don’t know how i can continue much longer. as i’ve gotten older i started to see him more as i had freedom to go out. and he’s recently tried to corner me in a small area and i just froze again. i knew i had to run but i didn’t. and he just told me that he missed me and my body will always be his and i will always remain his. i haven’t been able to tell anyone as no one knows about me but i feel like it’s my fault again, i didn’t do anything i just stood there and it was as if i was waiting for him to try something. i don’t know what’s wrong with me?

I gave consent

I said yes

I meant no

I wanted to want

But didn't want

So it happened

I gave consent

I didn't freeze

Because I knew

A sign of consent

Is not freezing

And I was consenting

I made eye contact

Because I knew

A sign of consent is eye contact

And I was consenting

Sometimes it felt good

Before it was triggering

Triggering from a previous assault

He wished he'd gotten to me first

Before it happened

So I decided never to admit

That's where my body went

Sometimes my body wanted it

Until it didn't

Then my body

Tensed and my eyes threatened to

Tear and they

Did and he finished

And the last time

I said it felt great

The pain was sharp

I lied and was sore for days

And I was consenting

I never stopped in the middle

Because I didn't want

To deal with his frustration

He's allowed to have feelings

I wanted him to be happy and to be wanted

But it was triggering

And so I consented

Because I'd committed

To not have to explain

To not deal with frustration

I consented

I dont know if im right here and i hope this post doesnt offend anyone, i just need a look from the outside on this situation i think.

When i just turned 16 i lived on my own and didnt had much money. I met a 40 year old man that was at first really nice and i had sex with him, after the first time i felt a bit disgusted but he started to help me a little bit with money or i could stay with him on the weekends so i could save some money for groceries, so i still met him, despite my growing dislike. He started to have sex with me while i was asleep and when i told him not to do it he denied that he ever did that. He became more and more demanding, if i wanted to go home earlier than we had agreed on he often said he wouldnt drive me home (1 hour car drive) so i stayed because of the money, he also never wanted me to visit while i had my period. It ended shortly after i became 18.

I dont know what to think about this, when i think about it now i feel sick and anxious, but i voluntary visited him, i never said no, i didnt fight back or anything, i mean he didnt forced me. What do you think about this?

I was raped by my father for a majority of my childhood and now he is very sick and has been given a life expectancy of less than 6 months. My grandmother on his side of the family whom I’m very close with has asked me to write something for his funeral and I told her that I would not be comfortable doing that and I don’t even want to go to his funeral and I wouldn’t be sad if and when he dies. Somehow me not wanting to go to his funeral and being relieved has spread around his family and now they’re all mad at me saying I should be ashamed of myself and I’m heartless and I should care more about my dying father. To be fair most of them don’t know about my past with him, but it would be completely normal for me to not care or be sad when he dies and not want to go to his funeral.

I was raped in september and told my sister abt it--there was already a lot of inconsideration and hoopla and we already have a lot of tension because i recently decided that ill never really forgive her for a lot of things shes done in the past, but i feel like she just keeps coming up with new ways to subtly hurt me.

ive never been in a relationship and im 23 and never had consensual sex and this was the first time i tried to do anything sexual irl and i was raped. part of the reason i haven't had luck w relationships is that whenever i liked someone ever since we were little, my sister would either tell my crush i liked them or ask them out. she last did this when we were 19 and i haven't told her abt any of my crushes since. but now shes in a very serious relationship; her and her bf are talking about getting engaged and she keeps asking me "are you done looking for love" and "have you ever been in love" knowing damn well ive never been in love and i barely even got the chance to look because im scared of intimacy.

she frames it as her being happy and in love and wanting me to experience it too but it feels more like shes just being nosy again and reminds me of all the times she got info out of me just to ask out my crushes or tell them i like them. i havent even really had any crushes since we were 19--some fleeting but not anything serious, but she thinks im being secretive i think because she never tells me about any of her relationships even though ive never got in the middle of her relationships and dont even care to meet any partner of hers since this is a sensitive topic for us. but i think she thinks i want to sabotage her relationships too but i dont and i think shes just either super inconsiderate or just wants to purposely get in the middle of my love life for whatever reason. now isnt the time tho because ive never felt so unloveable as i do now that i tried to be intimate and failed. its too sensitive a topic to just casually ask now.

I(19f) was raped last night by my roommate(32M) last night. He came into my room last night when I was sleeping and he pinned me down. I woke up with him hand on the back of my neck and him on top of me. He inserted himself and used me for what felt like hours. He eventually flipped me on my back and I was crying so much that he mocked me for it. He kept groping me and choked me as he was using me. He eventually came on my chest and stomach. He slapped me hard and got off of me.

I‘ve been having the feeling of loosing my consciousness (mixed with a little adrenaline) last night. As if I was drugged while being asleep. Now I’m wondering if it’s just a sensation one can have while dreaming (like flying or falling) or if there’s a possibility someone drugged me. I (f 23) have a roommate (m 36) who had one-sided romantic feelings for the previous owner of my room (also f ca. 23) when she moved out. So I’m tying to be vigilant. I know some drugs make you suffer from amnesia but are there any hints I should take?

Someone please help me with some advice. I’ve been with my current partner for 3 years. And the first year was great with our sex life. And now we barely have sex. And it’s bc of me. I can’t get my SA out of my mind that happened to me in my two year relationship before them. And they don’t really understand. They think I’m not attracted to them. And we have broken up over this once. Am I crazy for my trauma to be this far into my relationship? How do I move past it? 😭

It was one of my favorite movies and it’s still one of my favorite movies, but it was playing in the other room during the rape. I haven’t watched it since. It’s a really campy comedy with very distinct music and voices that I could easily hear coming from the next room.

I’ve avoided it for the past 8 years because it just reminds me of that night and I get uncomfortable, but I honestly miss watching this movie. I just saw a clip of it pop up on Instagram and thought maybe it’s been long enough, maybe I can try to make it a self-love night and think of it as some kind of exposure therapy healing ritual?

I feel like my therapist will be on board with this, but I wanted to get the opinion of other people who have maybe had similar experiences…

I [16F] have never been able to enjoy sex. And I've tried looking everywhere i can hut I don't know where to find the answers I'm looking for.

I am Bisexual and have a body count of 6. I am a victim of sexual assault (2020, a full year of my uncle doing it too me almost every night) and I am unsure if that is a contributor. Best i can do is tell you about my history and hope that someone reads it and has ideas.

Growing up i was a sexual kid, I don't know why or how, but I would just think about things that feel good and experiment. Never did I do anything right, just rlly rubbing on a pillow or something. I got a born addiction at 11 (I think? May have been 10) and that went on until I was 12. When I was 12, as i said, I was sexually assaulted many times. I had to pretend I was asleep each time it happened and I just dissociated. Then I entered high school, my uncle was out of my life and things were normal (as normal as my life was, which wasn't normal to others standards.) [14]I had my first consented sex with my first boyfriend[16], and we had dated for about 4 months, it was nice, I felt safe with him. The sex was meh, it hurt alot, but it wasn't completely unendurable. I would get like rashes inside after he would do it hard, and it would absolutely hurt to go for another round after but I let it go. I had to pretend I was coming and he believed me.

[15] Then there was my most recent partner who was a girl[16]. I loved her heaps, truly loved, but I still didn't feel that pleasure that everyone talked about. I have to fake moans and play into the act, where it doesn't particularly hurt but it doesn't feel pleasureful either. Honestly it kind of felt like nothing. Except my clit is HEAVILY sensitive to the point it rlly hurts if someone puts even a little pressure on it.

[16]There's been this one girl[17] who just fingered me on a comedown from drugs (not on them anymore)

[16]Then there's been two random[16, and 19]hook ups because I was stupid and was trying to get over my ex, those were pretty much the same as my ex bf.

I've never truly enjoyed it, always just acted like it.

Sometimes I worry I'm asexual, or that my body isn't the same as everyone else's, like its abnormal.

But the asexual thing doesn't make sense to me. I like the idea of enjoying and having sex with someone. Plus I love intimacy. Kissing, neck kisses, cuddling, teasing. Any foreplay is amazing to me, it makes me feel something. Then when it gets to the sex part, I'm just there.

Having sex with myself is similar. I never really feel much when I do it, and it's truly quick. Often I pee too when I hit that "climax" or I feel more pleasure when I'm about to pee.

I feel the long for lust but never truly feel satisfied after or during it, and it's annoying. I want to be able to have sex and enjoy it, I want to be able to feel satisfied like I hear other people do.

Could it be a biological thing? A trauma thing? Just a me thing?

There's probably more I'm leaving out/forgetting. If there's any questions just ask and I'll do my best to answer. Thank you

I(35M)was raped by my sister(38F) multiple times by my sister that was 11 to 14 while I was 8 to 11 at the time probably because she was repeating actions done to her at the time she always tried to control my life until I moved far away because I couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped talking to her because she still wanted to control my life. She will never admit her wrong doing but I don't want to explain it to my family why I don't want to talk to her anymore and don't know what to do.

I’d think as the years go buy and I get older that I’d forgot about things or slowly not think about it as much( at least I’d hope it was like that) but honestly I’ve noticed as more time goes buy ( it’s been a while since I was sexually assaulted, it happened when I was 13 I’m now 20) anyway as more time goes buy I’ve realized so many things like I’m remembering things I feel like I’m going insane like the other day I was in my room and I was looking at a Corner in my room and I had a memory come back to me of me geting sexually assaulted in that spot like I just find it crazy how I was fine but then I look at a spot in my room and it takes me back to that moment like that. I hate living in this house every where I look is a place or a room he touched me In, I don’t know how to cope with living in the house I was raped in and touched in as a kid, ig im just wondering if anyone has dealt with something similar and how u live life in the same house that it happened in, I’m really having a hard time I feel like I’m going insane I just keep having old memories pop up and it’s very triggering I self harm and it’s been rough lately

I really need someone to talk to. Im in kind of a tough situation and im not really sure what to do. My brother and sister in law live in boston so one morning while im visiting boston i was supposed meet up with them for coffee but i just found out a close family relative is staying with them. And this close relative used to be very inapropriate with me when i was little. He would baby sit me and my earliest childhood memories are all of him and what he did to me but i never told anyone because he made my feel like i wanted it and it was all my fault and even though logically i know its not but i feel like it is my fault because i remember instances where i willingly went into his room. So i always felt that if i told anyone they would say its my fault and my parents love him and he would tell me they would chose him over me. And my parents have been through so much and i never wanted to burden them with this so i stayed quiet. It stopped when i was like 12 but i still have night mares and i when someone touches like my lower back or butt or thighs i feel like im gonna vomit. But hes gonna be in boston and hes coming to the breakfast thing and i dont know what to do cause my dad wants me to see my bother cause their relationship is rocky and i dont wanna mess it up but i cant tell them to not bring him with out it being suspicious you know. And i feel like a terrible daughter because i love my parents and i dont want to cause problems but theres also a small part of me that hates them becuase they never noticed! How could they never notice? I would have panick attacks when ever he came over for holidays like balling on the floor uncontrollably and they just thought i was being difficult and i felt like them words to tell them where stuck in my throat and suffocating me. There were years where i wouldnt let people touch me at all and they never saw that something was wrong and im so sorry to put this all on you but im really panicking and ive never told anyone this before like ever not in a diary not ever and i just need someone to hear the words that have choked me for 15 years

My parents are strict and don't really allow me to have much fun on my own. So I decided to lie to them and go to this party without them knowing. At this party I was raped and I feel fine physically. But mentally I feel broken and alone. I dont have anyone to really talk to about this, I dont have any siblings old enough to talk to and I dont trust my friends with this kind of information. I only have my parents but I dont want them to start blaming me for this. They told me not too go but I still went they will never forgive me, make it my fault and they will take away any freedom I have.

How am I meant to heal from sexual trauma to have a healthy relationship with a good guy? TW SA/🍇 Please respond I need answers

Hi, I (18F) am trying to figure out how tf to actually heal and move on from everything that’s happened to me in my past so that when the time comes I’m actually ready to be wholeheartedly with the guy I actually really care about.

For context, there’s this guy that I’ve known for years and he’s always been one of my best friends growing up. We went to the same Highschool and college and grew up together (I’ve known him since like birth). He’s one year younger than me though so we weren’t in the same year in school/college which meant that during Highschool we weren’t as close/saw less of each other because of our different timetables.

He’s one of very few men I’ve always felt comfortable around because he really is just an amazing guy. Back in late 2023, he told me about how he’d liked me for a while and how much I meant to him etc and we had a great relationship. It was one of the healthiest and most healing relationships I’ve ever been in and it brought me a lot of happiness and joy that I hadn’t felt in a really long time with a guy.

Before he told me how he felt, I had reached a stage where I felt/thought that I was really moved on from all the shit that had happened to me in Highschool. I was doing really really good on my own and I genuinely felt like I was at my most confident point that I had ever been about myself.

But then when we got together, while I was really happy, I also felt like I realised I wasn’t as “healed” as I thought I was and there were things that I still needed to work through. Like I realised I had things that I guess you could say triggered memories of my past etc. and it was hard to fully commit myself to him.

No matter how much I wanted to, there was a part of me that I guess just wasn’t ready for something so healthy/I kind of didn’t trust it? Idk if that makes sense but it was almost too good to be true? At least that’s how I felt and it’s almost as if I kind of distanced from him and tried not to care as much and I was in my head a bit about stuff like thinking I don’t deserve him and it’s like I kind of self sabotaged.

I say kind of because there were some mistakes he made, and things that he did, that even he admits he messed up on, that made me trust him less and feel more like I couldn’t rely on him.

But I admit that my mistake, was that I came down on him harder for those mistakes than I should have. I feel as though whenever he messed up on something I was so quick to call him out on it and to be frustrated/angry about it than I needed to be, which I do think was due to the fact that I had dealt with a lot of stuff in the past and didn’t want to deal with anything like that again so in essence I wasn’t as “healed” as I thought I was and still had pent up anger/feelings towards my past trauma that made me lash out at him which he didn’t deserve. (just to clarify I did NOT physically harm him 😭 when I say lash out I mean I just got annoyed at him quickly and said some harsh things which wasn’t fair to him).

We’re currently on a break because our relationship reached a breaking point this year, where he kept making mistakes with certain things and not communicating properly and had immature tendencies/reactions to stuff as he’s a year younger, so it’s like he has a certain level of maturity and naivety that he has to work on.

All of it led to me feeling undervalued/under appreciated in the relationship as I did a lot for him, and I realised that I needed to break up with him (we had been arguing a lot towards the end and we both realised we weren’t really ready) and I needed to properly and genuinely heal from my past trauma, before jumping into being in a relationship with him, in order to actually move on and allow myself to be happy, without being so restrictive on my heart and self sabotaging everything and hurting him in the process.

But from what we’ve said, (we had a conversation before we broke up and we ended on good terms because despite all of it, we’ve known each other for years, and our families know each other well, so we promised to remain on good terms) and what I’ve witnessed from him, if we both fix up on the things we need to then we both do genuinely want to give it a better try when we’re older and actually ready commit.

But what I need help on is this: During Highschool, I was in a rough situation where this guy (not the one I’ve mentioned before) who meant a lot to me put me through a lot of shit.

In essence it was an abusive relationship as he was a raging narcissist. It started when I was 12/13 (we were in the same year) and finally ended roughly when I was 15/16. He was a great friend at the start and I genuinely trusted him but then slowly as time went on he started becoming more and more horrible as he started hanging around with the wrong crowd and getting into drugs etc which I tried to stop him from doing but that was useless tbh.

He would come out with verbal abuse every day, constantly criticising the way I looked, my face, my body etc every damn day for like 3-4 years and after a while it does something to a person. I’ve never been able to take a compliment since then, and when I do get them I never believe them, as it’s been wired into me that I don’t “deserve” love and I’m not “worthy” of it etc. He used to always say to me how no one could ever love me and how I’m too difficult to love and all of that crap etc. and after a while you start to believe it.

Obviously now I’m older and somewhat moved on from that part of my life I know that all of what he said is just from a place of being off his head on drugs in conjunction with his naturally narcissistic self 💀 (sorry I use dark humour to cope). But it leaves a mark both mentally and physically nonetheless and it took 2 years of therapy to even feel remotely normal again which I was only able to have because my school was able to offer counselling for free through the charity 42nd street.

But anyways, whilst I was in Highschool the abuse eventually got worse and escalated from verbal/mental to physical where he started to grab me more, by my upper arms, so hard that It’d leave a bruise but no one would ever see as my school shirt covered it.

He would play it off as a joke but it hurt. He then moved on to dragging me by my arm (I have really thin/small arms so it hurt a lot more than a regular sized person) whenever he was in a fit of rage/really pissed off and he’d always take his anger out on me by punching me but he’d always pin me against the wall with his body and then he’d punch me in my stomach area as that’s the part no one would ever see. Sometimes he’s grab my lower neck/just above my collarbone area as well and my head would hit the wall which sucked. But he was always so off his head on something that he’d just act like he never hurt me or that he didn’t remember anything. Still to this day, I’ll never know whether he meant what he did or if he genuinely did just forget in the end but I accepted that I’ll never get that answer.

I finally reached my breaking point, when he was pissed one day and I had left my science class to go to the bathroom and hadn’t realised he had been following me when he dragged me to a bathroom stall and borderline r*ped me.

I say borderline because it’s all a bit hazy in my mind I spent years pushing it under the rug and trying to pretend it didn’t happen until I had another bad encounter with a guy in Highschool and had to face what I went through. (btw is it normal for it to be a bit hazy? I beg someone tell me whether that’s normal or not because I feel a bit insane about it.)

I remember him dragging me into the stall and then aggressively pushing/pulling my skirt and other stuff etc. down and then half r*ping me but I was trying to close my legs and shove him off with all my might and I can’t fully remember if he went all the way in or not until it’s kind of like at one point he got off and left and I was finally alone.

I was so young I didn’t really know how to process it and I just remember making sure the door was locked and just sliding down and kind of sitting on the floor out of shock I guess? I’m kind of numb to feeling anything about it anymore but yeah.

A year after this happened another guy tried to f*nger me in the back of our English class and kept sliding his hand up the inside of my thigh but I kept trying to shove his hand off but he wouldn’t quit so that also added on to the trauma of being touched and now it’s like I absolutely hate being touched e.g hugged or even tapped on the arm or leg by anyone male or female.

But it’s weird, after everything had happened, when it came to my friends and family, it’s almost like I went into survival mode and I kind of became overly touchy if that makes sense? Like I went out of my way to hug my friends and family even though it literally makes my skin crawl. Genuinely, internally I absolutely hate it, but I still continued to act ‘normal’ or even ‘overly normal’ but I don’t really know why that was just instinct for me? Like I feel like because I pushed everything under the rug and tried to forget it I just tried overly hard to stay normal as if I was wanted to prove to myself that nothing had changed when in fact it was the opposite? Idk if that makes any sense but yeah please someone let me know if that’s normal or if you’ve felt like that too.

And does anyone have any advice/experience on how to move on from all of this because I do want to genuinely move on from this because the idea of the guy I like, (the one mentioned before) touching me still makes me freeze up/stress out and if we do end up getting back together in the future etc. I need to heal from all of the above and I do want a good and healthy relationship with him because he really is such a great guy in every aspect and it would genuinely work if we both just improve on ourselves.

P.S please be nice if you do respond to this because I really don’t want to deal with people being horrible 😭 I’ve had enough for a lifetime 🫠

I know that everyones says "don't blame the victim" and "it's not a woman's (or man's) fault for being SA'd" but I still mostly blame myself for every incidence of SA/rape that's ever happened to me. Mostly because I feel that they could have easily been avoided, and for some of them, I was acting irresponsibly/recklessly (due to extreme suicidal depression as a result of my health issues, I went through a very long period of time in my early 20's where I felt apathetic and numb and genuinely did not care if I lived or died). I put myself in a series of unsafe situations that my wiser, more responsible self knew was stupid and could have caused me harm. It was not a lack of wisdom or insight, but rather a lack of care, or perhaps feeling that I deserved whatever shitty thing happened to me because my chronic health and pain problems made me and my life worthless anyways.

I blame myself for being molested in India while traveling alone when I was 20. I was trying on a sari, and the shop owner tried to put his hands down my underwear as he was helping me wrap the sari. Lots of people tried to warn me it was unsafe to travel alone in India as a woman, but I did it anyway. I did a lot of dumb things in India, like traveling to remote villages alone and going on shared taxis with multiple men.

I blame myself for being nonconsensually choked out during a first date when I was 22. It was terrifying; I became lightheaded, felt my vision start to go, and thought I was going to die. If he'd gone a few seconds longer, I probably would have passed out. I met a guy on a dating app, and against my better judgment, I decided to go to his apartment to have some dinner and watch a movie since he seemed "normal enough" after I met him in a public place for a short period. I knew he had a few housemates, so I thought what's the worst that can happen? He won't kill me if his housemates are there. When he kissed me for the first time, he suddenly put his hands around my neck and started choking me out. I looked at him with shock afterwards and he smiled, saying "so, did you like that?" I just meekly told him that I wasn't expecting it and that he should have asked me beforehand. Then he smiled again and told me, "you know, it was pretty foolish of you to agree to come over here. You don't even know who I am, and I could have killed you." We finished the date (I felt extremely creeped out and didn't want to reject/anger him), I went home, told him I didn't think it would work out, and blocked him.

I blame myself for being raped in Equator when I was 23. For many years afterward, I didn't even know I'd been raped; I just considered it as a shameful one-night stand that I regretted. I am a lightweight with alcohol (I don't drink at all anymore), and I had 3 drinks throughout the night on New Year's Eve. Normally, 2-3 drinks is my "limit", but the altitude made me even more tipsy. I was the drunkest I'd ever been, basically "browned out" (not quite black-out, but close to it). I started dancing with someone at this party in the hostel where I was staying, and he was grinding on me. I half-remember him grabbing my hand and leading me off the dancefloor to his room. I remember laughing while saying "no, no, no...", but I could barely walk on my own so he was half carrying me. My memory went in and out at this point, but the next thing I remember is being in his bed, me saing "no...we shouldn't do this.." while he took my pants off and started having sex with me. I'm pretty sure a condom was involved, but I can't remember entirely. I left a few hours later when I was more sober, feeling extremely confused and ashamed. I didn't tell anyone about it because I felt dirty and humiliated that I'd just had sex with someone I didn't even know.

I blame myself for being molested in Columbia when I was 24. I had met this traveling artist who was very creative and interesting, although a little intense. After a week or so of "friendship", I agreed to travel with him to a nearby village to meet a local friend, explore the area, and hike around. On the hike, he told me that he loved me, and I tried to let him down gently by saying I didn't want anything romantic and only saw him as a friend. We stayed too late and missed the last bus, it was getting dark, and we didn't have a flashlight. His friend had some extra blankets and agreed to let us camp out in his backyard. We went to bed on separate sides of the tent, but I woke up to him right next to me, grinding on me. I politely asked him to please stop, but he kept doing it. I asked him again, more firmly, and he stopped, and I tried to go back to sleep. I woke up again to him grinding on me again, and putting his hands all over me, trying to get in my bras and underwear. I got upset and told him he had to stop, and he became really offended, acting rejected and unhinged. This scared me more, so I tried to calm him down (saying nice things to lighten the "rejection") so he could calm down and go to sleep. I waited until he fell asleep again, then quietly left the tent despite the fact that it was 4am, dark, and raining. I sat under a tree until the sun rose, then walked down a couple miles to grab a bus out of the town. Later, he found me again and became extremely unhinged, saying that I was the love of his life and since I rejected him, he had no reason to live. A few weeks later, his family messaged me on Facebook (after seeing a photo I was tagged with him), saying that he had gone missing and nobody had seen or heard from him in weeks. I told them I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks, but he seemed very mentally unstable and distressed the last time we were together. I secretly hoped he'd killed himself somewhere so I didn't have to worry about him finding me again.

After these incidences, I am ashamed to say that I went through a semi-hypersexual period for a couple of years. I had several casual hookups with people I didn't care about (always using protection and practicing safe sex). I felt like men only were interested in me for sex, because they found my body attractive but did not want to commit to dating me due to my chronic health problems. I had a handful of sexual encounters that I regretted, which always made me feel empty, used, and ashamed afterward.

Looking back, I can't help but feel like all of these incidents were my fault. I knew I was putting myself into these unsafe situations, yet I did it anyways. I knew there was a chance I could be raped/molested when I traveled alone, went out hiking or to the houses of men I didn't really know, or had too much to drink. Yet I engaged in these reckless behaviors anyway, so there's a big part of me that feels like I deserved all of these incidences.

First time posting on reddit and I have no idea what I’m doing tbh.

I 21F grew up in foster care and I have a half brother 26M on my mums side who was adopted by my grandparents and we would occasionally see each other when I would stay over at my grandparents house on some weekends to catch up.

I’ve only recently started figuring this all out and coming to terms with it so I’m not sure what to do but my brother used to touch my inappropriately and get me to do things and I would agree not really knowing anything. I don’t remember when it started I think I was around 10 or younger ? Which would’ve made him 15 at the time. It happened consistently when I would go over where we would play “ouch” as we called it, I’m sure you can guess why. One thing that confuses me and frustrates me is I’m not sure if it would be considered rape or not, I technically would’ve consented but i don’t know if it counted as I was a young child but he was much older and should’ve known better I guess, but I agreed and even suggested it at times which i feel absolutely disgusted with at the thought now.

He introduced me to porn and I’ve recently realised it’s stemmed a lot of my issues I’ve had growing up. I recently moved in with my grandparents to help take care of them as they’re sick and I’ve gotten closer to him and we get along really well and I love him, he’s my brother, but I can’t help these thoughts coming to mind and I start to hate him and hate who he is as a person. I don’t know what to do, we get along and it’s fun but I also hate who he is. My girlfriend has made a good point about how even though he is my brother, I need to see it as a moral point of view too and that I’m hanging around a rapist and letting other people think he’s a safe person to hang out with because I choose to.

My grandparents are getting more sick and I’m helping out more and so is he and it goes smoothly because there is good communication and if I stood up to him about things and stood my ground on having no relationship with him I fear things wouldn’t go smoothly with my grandparents

Let me know your thoughts please I need an outside point of view. Only people I’ve told have been my girlfriend and she’s helped me so much to heal from this and I appreciate her so much and my sister who doesn’t seem to care.

Repeatedly face raped me when I was 11. He would come over all the time for no real reason ig my parents thought he just liked to hangout but in reality he was abusing their little girls mouth every chance he got. This would be like 3-4 times a week. Ofc I had no clue thought it was just a "game" "like hey remember that game we play with your mouth" or whatever stupid shit he said while his hard dick was pointed at my face. He eventually moved when I was 13 and he doesn't come around often but when he does....🙄

i was raped when i was 17 by a 22 year old and i didn’t realize it was rape until a few months ago. i’m 18 now and am ready to press charges or report it or whatever i can do. but i don’t have any evidence this happened. i didn’t get a rape kit done because i didn’t realize it was rape. i deleted all of the texts i had with him out of shame and anger. no physical evidence at all. is it wise to text my rapist and somehow get him to admit to what he did? what can i do without any evidence? now that i’ve realized what happened to me i want to see him behind bars. please help me :(

Burner account, my ex girlfriend broke up with me about two to three years ago, I’m still struggling because she never told me she went to a party one night, she never acted the same after, and I wish I asked why but not at the same time. She got graped (sorry) there, I didn’t find out by her but by her best friend trying to shut me up after me arguing about our relationship. I just want it all to go away from my mind, I don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry if I used wrong terms it’s late at night and I’ve been crying my eyes out.

"The Victim "

I Can't sleep but I can think

I Can't speak but so I weep

I Can't see but i can feel.

Remember you are not alone, a Lot of people go through these things. I wish i knew that when i began this journey. although their is still a very long path, I hope that every victim gets the pace the deserve. Never forget its not the victims fault its the abuser who choses to do what they do.

I (29m) got asked by my friend (41f) to sleep with her 2 weeks after my dad's funeral 6 months ago. At the time I was in such a dark place I accepted it as just wanted to be comforted by someone but I felt utterly used as her justification was 'to practice kissing' and things escalated from there.

We were both high as she asked me to come over with weed as she was feeling down about some other guy in work (we work for the same company). It is a little hard to recall some of the details of that night but before what happened I had told her I didn't want to sleep with anyone but my brain was fried by the time she asked me to kiss her because she was worried she had forgotton how to kiss someone..... I felt like I was going to be pulled in a black hole if I said yes but didn't know what else to do so I just said yes.

After the kiss I went to sit back where I had been and tried to pass it off but some small talk later she just gave me an undescribable look and then asked me to have sex with her which I stupidly said yes to. It was a really mechanical experience as she only wanted to do things a certain way and she couldn't look me in the eye after, she asked me to leave her a smoke which I did but I couldn't wait to leave, I did give her a kiss goodbye, I'm really not sure why. I got in my car and just drove I cant even remember where but I just shut down and sat in my car for like an hour staring into space before I went back home.

I had to try acting normal with her after and it was eating me up. I kept having to go home from work because I couldn't focus, I just wanted to forget but couldn't. I was trying to hide this from her as was worried about triggering her as she can get really triggered if she is the subject in a negative light. A conversation we had once after what happened and she threatened to leave the company if she ever made anyone feel uncomfortable.

I cant say I have truthfully handled the situation well. I had started therapy after the incident and after some other situations between us I decided to confront her about me being uncomfortable with what happpend but she broke down on me, asking me if she was the reason I was going to therapy at that point, I didn't want to lie but she did not take it well and eventually flipped the topic back to this guy she was worried about reacting to her flirting. The next morning she barraged my phone picking me apart and said she only asked me to kiss and sleep with her because she 'trusted me' then saying we shouldn't be friends anymore.

I tried to reach out a handful of times to get closure or understanding but been mostly ignored, essentially I didn't exist to her. One occasion I stupidly brought a gift in the efforts of an apology and to open a dialog to heal (I know I am a idiot) only for her to say she was not upset or angry with me. I just froze, slammed the door and walked away.

My anxiety was insane and every day being in the same building was a battle in me. I would have the shakes, I couldn't eat if I had seen her, there was even one morning recently when I was sick outside the building just being worried about running into her.

I had to tell new manger as I had to open up that it was affecting my work thought I should take this to the police as potential sexual assualt?

Yes. Dates related to me getting SA’d and the subsequent related events are etched into my mind.

Yesterday, December 3rd, was the “anniversary” of one, and holy fuck, it sucked. Each year that passes reminds me of how long I’ve had to carry this with me.

The expectation is on me to “handle” what happened to me appropriately; no similar expectation on the perpetrators to not cause the situation in the first place. Well, I’ve been handling it the best I can, while everyone else doesn’t even think about it.

So, today I write, and I grieve for what I’ve been through. I didn’t deserve what happened, despite other people implying or outright telling me I did. I grieve for a fruitless pursuit of meaning to what happened. There is none.

(Get a snack, sit down and read)

hi. i’m a currently 26 yr old with crippling anxiety and a disability that is very painful. i feel like my life was stolen from me years ago but still feel embarrassed to speak about it. (especially since although my disease is bad, my SA experience may not be as graphic as others).

I was 19 and freshly in community college, so excited and anxious about life and happy i was even able to phisically be in a college with all that i was juggling (constant treatments and blood transfusions). Long backstory short, i met a man in my art class who seemingly was very interested in me. (let’s call him D) he would wander to my side of the room to grab art supplies he didn’t need just for an excuse to talk to me. we became fast friends and while opening up to eachother i had told him about my disease and how i felt i wasn’t truly “living”. i’d spend most my life sheltered by my parents and rarely partied. my disease took so much from me, i just wanted to do what other teens my age were doing.

We ended up making a promise that on my birthday (which was coming up), that he would take me out (as friends) and have the time of our lives.

The night comes and i’m anxious but so excited. i kiss my parents goodbye and when i get in the van i see it is not just D, it’s his best friend whom i’ve never met in the drivers seat (let’s call him S). The night went great and we all had the best time. They introduced me to drugs and music i’ve never tried. (i’d only smoked weed a few times at that point besides the narcotics i’ve been on all my life bc of my disease) It turned into multiple nights and weekends doing the same thing over the course of the next few months.

It soon became obvious that S and i had some kind of energy that i never had with D. Even though i knew D liked me, i don’t think it was mutual. i felt guilty returning slight romantic feelings for his friend, but he seemed to get over it quickly. Me and S hung out a few times after that alone. I started to get butterfly in my stomach type feelings for S because i never had a boyfriend before. The week before the assault S and i even had a night where we went to his house (which i found out was a block away from me) and we sat on his couch really close to each other, watching family guy. no kisses no touching no nothing.

The night it happened i was out with my best friend all day. I’d gotten home late around 11:50 and as soon as i put on my pajamas and gotten into bed, S calls. I’m very giddy bc we hadn’t spoken in a week and i (which i hate to fucking admit) was drawing and writing poetry about him in my art books. He asks if i’m still up and if i want to come out and hang. I say sure and leave the house in a tank top with my hair tied up and pajama pants.

He immediately brings out a rolled up dollar bill and yknow…that drug u sniff up your nose. i was still sleepy and nervous and when he told me it was my turn i didn’t know how to say no thanks. He had seemed like he was doing it all night and while he smelled like cologne he looked disheveled. He then abruptly asks if i wanted to go to the backseat. Before i could even answer he turns around and lays his drivers seat back and tells me to head to the back. I’m beyond shaking at this point. This isn’t what i came out for. He sees i’m hesitant and decides to jump in the back by himself. I’m left awkward in the passengers seat and he’s repeatedly telling me to ‘come on’. I awkwardly and uncomfortably crawl to the backseat next to him. He starts to kiss me and i’m even more a mess because we’d only hugged at that point. i pictured our first kiss to be nothing like this. He’s moving fast and hard. He’s pressing his lips into me and rocking against me and i’ve never been so uncomfortable and unprepared. He pushes til he’s on top of me and starts trying to put his fingers in my pants. He tries pulling my pants down and i kept shooing his hands away. In my head i’m thinking of ways to stand up for myself. In that moment i shove him off and say “Can we please just kiss? I don’t think i want to do this” He doesn’t answer he just continues to kiss me instead. This song and dance repeats over and over. Him trying to have sex and me trying to make it stop. I push him off one last time and I start to cry. He feigns confusion asking what the problem is. I tell him that i don’t want to do this and that i asked if he could just pull back and stop. He sits with me in a fogged up car and it’s awkward. In the next 15 minutes i’m laid down again but this time his laying behind me. He begs “let me just touch it”. He’s successfully pulled my pajamas down and is dry humping me. a million thoughts are zooming through my head until i just zone out and disassociate until im not in that car mentally anymore. I’m laying there quiet and shaking and eventually he shoves himself inside of me. I gasp and want to roll up into a ball but he just continues. He has sex with my body and my last attempt at making him stop was trying to get up and disrupt it but he just ends up fucking me on top of him. I could literally see my house while this was happening. I was hating myself wondering why i didn’t stay in bed. He spills his seed on my thigh and gets out of the car to take “a breather”. I was frozen and zoned out in his car with my pants pulled to my thighs. This whole thing went on so long his car battery died. He walks me home and just says ‘bye’. No hug, no anything. I’m still frozen and i watch him walk away until i couldn’t see him anymore.

All i can say is i’m not a person anymore. I was 19 then and i’m 26 now and i’ve been barely alive. I didn’t accept it was SA or something like it until 3 months later. And those 3 months were spent wandering the streets late at night, empty minded. Smoking cigarettes because i knew for sure i would kill myself in the next few weeks. (And i tried) I had 3 suicide attempts since. I was in such denial that it was SA because i’d liked him so much. “He wouldn’t ever do that to me” “Maybe i misread the situation” “S is a good guy, I must be thinking about this wrong, it’s my fault”. I was in such denial i thought i could send him a text afterward and tell him ‘hey, i know u think i had a good time last night but it was really something bad for me. Can we please talk about it so you can understand? Maybe don’t do this to another girl?’ I have not progressed in my life bc of this night. I am mentally stuck at 19 years old. I am scared to be around any man. I shake when i see cars that look like his. I thought i saw him once on a train and i immediately got off. I haven’t gone back to school and my life feels frozen.

epilogue: I got a call from D once while i was in hospital for a life threatening complication from my disease. I was on such high doses of dilauded and so many other drugs that i randomly ended up blurting out

“you know your friend raped me?”

he puts me on hold without saying another word then comes back saying “yea i just called S, he said he didn’t rape you”.

This fucking killed me. Why would he do this. As if S would admit it. As if he would say ‘yea i def raped that girl’. Anyways. Please, PLEASE give me any input. To this day i suffer mentally hating myself for what happened. I never felt so worthless. I don’t know how to stick in my mind that yes, this was rape or SA, and yes it was real. Please help. I don’t know how to feel real again.

I 23F have posted here many times asking for help with the aftermath of being sexually assaulted as a child from ages 3-8 and I really struggle to find a way out of the mist my brain has become. In the last idk 2 or 3 years I've began to get better get better for a while.

But in the last month or so I realised I can never have normal relationships again. Not friendships or romantic relationships. My social anxiety is mostly gone and I now can go outside but friendships just mostly don't work. There are 4. Ways they go for me:

1. I don't tell them what happend and I feel like I can't trust them and I'm afraid of them

2. I tell them and they pity me and don't see me as an adult.

3. I tell them and they have been assaulted themselves and it just ends in traumadumping and no real connection.

4. I tell them and they like the idea too much. They fantasize about my rape.

All 4 scenarios happend to me in friendships and relationships alike. Even with people I've known for a few months or years. Me just knowing what happenf to myself just destroyed being able to have any normal social interaction.

In the last months I've learned meeting friends or romantic partners isn't the problem for me I'm good in social interactions and first impressions. The hard part is the keeping them ans having meaningful relationships ans friendships. I'm jusr so angry about it. Why is my head so dumb ? If any of you had similar experiences any adivce would help.