(I posted this on another reddit before seeing this one and reading that this reddit also was somewhere I could go, i just copied and pasted from there to here. I’m not sure if thats allowed, but it doesn’t say I can’t in the rules, so i am. If it’s not, terribly sorry. I’m not super familiar with reddit as a poster. I’ve posted in other reddit areas on another account, but usually about videogames. That’s the extent of my reddit experience so please take it easy on me.) I lived with many family members, aunts, uncles, their kids, etc, in new york. I still live in new york, actually in the same house, but many of my family members moved out. I’m now nearly 20 years old and don’t know exactly what happened to me. I remember being kissed by a girl while naked but i dont remember who the girl was, in my room but I don’t remember who the girl was. And I never brought a girl over to my home, so it had to be someone i’m related to. She was older but not an adult. She was multiple years older than me but definitely not something like 10 years older than me. Most likely a teenager. I don’t know how to describe it but my memory sort of fades to white in places and I’m not sure why, it also happens at the end of my experiences. Anyway, in that particular experience, I was completely naked, and i remember the girl lying next to me on the floor, kissing me and then getting on top of me continuing to kiss me, and it fades to white again. She didn’t have her top on, but I don’t remember if she had any pants or underwear on, she might have, she might not have but I don’t remember for sure. I was younger than 10 years old, but i don’t remember exactly how old. It seems likely to me that i was closer to 7 than i was to 10 years old at that time, but i’m not sure. I could have been anywhere from 5-10. The next thing I remember is her already being standing, and me sitting up off the floor, still naked. I hear someone (an adult woman’s voice, could’ve been my mom or one of my aunts, not sure) call us, and I remember (vaguely) being rushed into clothes and then it fades into white again. That was the end of that experience, and I don’t remember much of it, clearly, and I also don’t know what it was. Was it SA? Was it molestation? I don’t know. I don’t remember if my genitals were touched directly. I’m not sure. It stands to reason that they probably were, considering the girl was on top of me, but I don’t remember. I don’t mind clarifying questions. I don’t know how this reddit works specifically, so take it easy on me. I’ve held that story in for many years, and i feel as though I have more questions about it than i do trauma from it, at this point in my life, but i again, don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know if anything SHOULD be done about it or with it. I have another experience but that experience is more traumatizing for me, and I don’t know if i should or if i want to speak about it yet. I’m a little scared of what the response will be. If, as a guy, I might be told something that might invalidate this experience. I’m not sure what it was specifically, but I feel certain that it was SOMETHING. I don’t know if I’m insane. I haven’t told anyone about it in real life. Thank you for reading. Sometimes, i think about it and i feel nothing, but other times, i think about it from an outside perspective, where the little boy isn’t me, but some random little boy i’ve never met, and when i think about what might have happened to him and when i think about what i know to have happened and what i’ve surmised and reasoned out to have happened, happening to him, THAT is when i get emotional thinking about it. Thank you all for reading, and i’m sorry if this post is a little bit everywhere.

I’m using a throwaway.

Repost of the full story as I was victim blamed by a specific group of people yesterday who said I deserved it. I didn’t. Thank you to those beautiful people who were nothing but supportive.

A couple of weeks ago I 21F found out my bf CHEATED on me. He actually had SEX with a girl while we were together. I saw texts on his phone and he admitted it. We have a toxic on and off again relationship but I’ve always been loyal (never ever ever did anything with anyone else) and wanted to break free and hurt him back. I know two wrongs don’t make a right. I should have broken up with him. I’ve made many mistakes.

That same night I went out with a couple of friends to a club. They always hated him and said he was a POS and I was drinking a lot and thought I’d even the score by kissing a guy. They were encouraging me to and I didn’t have any intention of doing anything else. We had fun at the club and danced and drank some more.

Well it got out of hand and I ended up at this guys place. We started kissing and touching (with consent so that’s fine), but then I stopped and started to fade out and felt really dizzy. I said to him I’m not feeling well and I want to STOP and lie down. I did just that. A few minutes later He ended up putting it in my mouth and moving it in and out WITHOUT my consent. He then got on top of me and raped me vaginally. I was saying to stop and no, please don’t many times but he continued anyway and said he will be quick and finished. I left after. I don’t know his name, or exactly where he lives. I was drunk. I did everything I could to find out where his place is but I just don’t know.

I told my friends and they downplayed my experience and said I looked really into him at the club and kinda tried to console me but I can tell they don’t really seem to understand the gravity of the situation. I got advice on here and told my bf today and guess what? He dumped me and said I’m LYING about it and that I straight out cheated and making up I did that bc i feel guilty. He doesn’t care that he cheated first he is just focusing on the fact that I did. I told him I didn’t consent to anything else other than kissing.

I don’t have anyone now. No friends and no bf. I went to the cops and I have too little information to make a valid report. I’m feeling so Fkn angry about everything and yes I do blame myself for a lot. But I didnt fkn deserve this to happen to me.

I’m booking a therapy appointment ASAP to start coping with this whole situation. I’ve hit rock bottom. Please be kind and if this resonates with anyone, it’s not your fault. No one deserves this to happen even if they made a mistake.

I have been raped by three family members in my life, and my mom have never done anything about it. They tell them not to come around anymore but when I want to go to the cops they have never taken me, I am 14 and cannot drive. I was first raped by my granddad when I was 8, then my older brother when I was 11 and most recently my new stepdad. My mom has ranged from not believing me and calling me a whore to acknowledging it, but saying there is nothing that can be done about it.
I feel like this has warped my image of sex, I have a boy I like and I have sex with him (yes a victim can still like sex) but I do not get any pleasure from him because he is too sweet and kind. I wish I could just be normal, most recently I have been raped by three boys at school and my mom told me it was likely my fault because I am a whore. I learned she views it as my fault her father, son, and husband have fucked me.

Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, child abuse

Background: My dad sexually abused me from the time I was an infant until I was 10 and could finally stand up to him. One of the times that he would touch me was early on, during diaper changes. He also came into my room at night to "pray" over me (touch me). My mom knew about the abuse, but she lives in denial to this day (I've confronted her and she says she thought it was "sweet" that he would touch me like that.)

Anywho, I now have two kiddos of my own, both in diapers, and I feel a little triggered and tentative every time I have to change them. In particular, I have a problem putting their diaper cream on. My current workaround is to swipe a wipe through the cream and then apply it to them so that my hand never actually touches them.

Anyone else have an experience like this? What was your workaround? How did you thread the needle between taking care of your kids and not reliving past abuse/reassuring yourself that you were in no way abusing your own child?

I have been assulted many, many times by my ex but the first time wont stop replaying in my mind at the moment. October 2019, i was 16 and finally met my long distance boyfriend who was also my first ever bf. I said many times leading up to us meeting that i did not want to do anything i wasnt ready and even said it when we met but obviously he didnt listen. First it started with him asking if we could do anything and i said no and kept trying to push it and i kept refusing so he dropped it for a couple hours.

Fat forward a couple hours we are chilling in comfy clothes on our phones just vibing as we were both nervous being with eachother for the first time. I was wearing one of his tops and some baggy shorts that came down to my knees. He was lying down on his phone by my legs resting one of his arms on my leg and i thought nothing of it. He slowly started sliding his hand further up my leg and under my shorts until it got uncomfortably close, which was when i noticed. I said to him not to do it again I dont like and and i am not ready, he said ok. He does it again, i move his hand and he stops.

I was getting increasingly nervous as i didnt know what to do i already felt pressured and struggle to stand my ground and I was looking at stuff on my phone getting absorbed in things i was reading as i didnt know if it was normal i was like this and was trying to see if i had to let him as even tho it was our first time physically together we had been together for 4 months and was told by friends beforehand that guys do expect for us to do it soon but i wanted to wait until i was ready. As i was doing this he did it again. Raised his arm up my shorts and started to touch my private parts and i tried saying again i didnt want to and he said he had a condom and everything hidden in his room just incase and hes already waited long enough so i gave in. we did it and i hated every second, i silently cried myself to sleep that night.

This was the first of many and im not sure if this is exactly rape but he did pressure me and wouldnt take no for an answer.

There were so many more times this kinda thing happened where he just pressured me into it and there were also times i begged him to stop, id cry and try and push him off but he wouldnt. The times he did hed be angry with me for not wanting it.

There wasnt a single time in my relationship with him, which lasted 3 years, where i wanted to do anything sexual with him. I didnt even know what he did was bad until i told a friend after 2 years and they said how bad it all was i thought it was all in my head and i was overreacting with it all, it still feels like what he did wasnt bad even tho i know it was.

Sorry for the long post i just needed to get this off my chest, ive never really said this to anyone fully before.

hi this is obviously a throwaway and my post may not be perfectly organized or something but i need this off my chest. i think i’ve been assaulted too many times in my life. i’ve never been raped but i’ve been sexually assaulted and i think im overreacting. the worst times i can think of bother me the most. i was at a halloween party when i was 16 and my ex boyfriend groped me multiple times with his foot. it sounds stupid but i was sitting on a couch and he was sitting on the back of it and stuck his foot under me and started touching my butt and privates with his foot and didn’t stop until i yelled at him and got up. i feel like an idiot for even saying that on here because it sounds so stupid but it was traumatic. other incidents include a different ex boyfriend constantly touching me and groping me and kissing me after i ask him to stop. i’ve never told anyone about that and he’s dating one of my friends now. i don’t want to tell her because she seems so happy and i just don’t know. i feel like a shitty person. he did that when i was 14-17. we were dating that whole time. i’ve had strangers grab me or say stuff to me and my own dad used to grab my butt when i was around 10-12. i’m almost 21 now and i feel like i’m over exaggerating everything i talked about in this post. i don’t think i even deserve to be on this subreddit. i feel like my own experiences minimize others. i have a horrible relationship with sex and my body now. i have an amazing boyfriends who is extremely understanding but i haven’t told him all of these things. i don’t know how. i just hate my self and blame myself for this stuff. i think i’m overreacting and maybe this wasn’t even assault. but all of these people touched me after i said to stop or never gave consent. i would appreciate any sort of comments on these situations anyone can provide.

I’m at a loss right now, and need help because my mind feels like it’s going to destroy itself tonight.

I went out with a tinder match. Someone I thought I knew, could trust. He ended up sexually assaulting me while we were driving. Put his hand between my legs and fingered me. Wouldn’t stop when I froze and tried to move his hand out of the way.

Further into our situationship, he frequently tried to pressure me into sending videos of myself having sex with other men. Would hold communication unless I did so. Told me he wanted to watch me having sex with other men.

I recently found out that he may have kept nudes I sent him/possibly recorded me when we were together.

My brain hurts so much right now and I just want to know it gets better. He told the judge I was mentally insane when I tried to press charges. I have no proof.

TL;DR guy sexually assaulted me and then forced me into uncomfortable things.

I do t know why I do it but people have kinks about what happens to me and ik it’s wrong it so messed up for me to do it but I feel like the only positive thing I could get out of what happened to me is money ik it’s wrong and fucked up it just hurts my head thinking about ( I might need somone to talk to idk

I experience rape fantasies in a both 'nonsexual' and 'sexual' form but i'm going to be focusing on the nonsexual. Sometimes I just imagine myself being raped again, usually when i'm feeling extremely depressed but sometimes it happens out of nowhere. I don't really know how to explain it, I sort of just check out of reality and fantasize about myself getting raped in detail, I imagine myself crying and in extreme pain (I have vaginismus), getting thrown around on the ground, hit, verbally abused etc but it doesn't bring me any sort of sexual pleasure neither does it really 'trigger' me. I've never really read of something like this before so i'm just trying to make sense of it

It's been 7 1/2 years since the last time he raped me. The sexual abuse was constant. I still think about it every day. Do the memories ever go away? I wish I could tell him how much he hurt me, but even if I could he would feel nothing.

I dont want to say my age or location or anything like that. My mother got me into commercials and TV spots when I Was very young (5ish?) and I have been in that business essentially my entire life. Sales media, merchandising, light modeling work, movie bit parts, TV parts, etc. Its propped up her lifestyle my entire life and she uses the money to pay for me to be homeschooled and for her to live where we do and have the lifestyle she likes.

When I was 13 I did a bit role for a swimsuit campaign for a major regional retailer. The photographer and producer (same guy) took a liking to me. He felt me up a bit but nothing egregious. Over the years he has taken on a larger role in a few national campaigns and has signed me to them. Not to be too graphic, but at 14 on my first large shoot he wanted to talk in the hotel room...and my mom sent me. Idk if she knows but I feel ike she does. Every shoot has a room key and an invitation. ITs cliche, but ont he outside it seems innocent - just talkinga bout jobs and shit...but in reality its fucking awful. I feel used. I feel like she knows, and is willing to sell me to keep her lifestyle. I have to be so careful in sharing this but I am so ashamed, frustrated, disgusted. I just want it off my chest somewhere where there are no consequences.

Heya. I'm 33 F and he is 37 M. I would like to say I'm a strong independent woman. But the way I put up with stuff from my spouse would say otherwise. I'd like to speak to a trusted friend about this stuff but honestly I feel they would hate my husband for hurting me and then l'd have to do something about this.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He is a sweet man. People would say I wear the pants in the relationship. My non-passive, proactive nature is something my husband was drawn to. He loves this about me and doesn't state otherwise when I check in with him. He is an amazing supportive father and domestic partner. I don't know any other man as selfless and dedicated to the happiness of his spouse and children.

Unfortunately, and I don't know how else to describe this, he is a bit "rape-y". Honestly, he has pushed my physical boundaries since we were dating 12 years ago. And over the years he has oscillated between pushing the boundaries, feeling guilty about it and stopping for a period of time, and then returning to his old habits.

When I bring it up he seems legitimately sorrowful and clearly despises that he does this. But soon after his formidable actions return. When I try to dive deep into his psyche he often brings up that due to me liking the dominant/submissive roles during sex he has "turned into this". Then of course I speak about how sexual kinks are fine within the context of consent. He validates this and then returns to his actions.

I'm sure I could spare you the details but the action typically includes him forcing me into anal sex with physical force. Despite me verbally or physically trying to get him to stop. We've tried safe words. They don't work out. The anal sex leaves me in physical pain but, more than that, in emotional turmoil.

What do I do? We have two children and a beautiful life together. How do I create consequences that deters him from this action long term? And am I alone in this? Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse that has this "dark side"?

I don't want to be in a truama bond anymore, it's killing me mentally. Too the point that I can go a full day of sleeping or, crying simultaneously. Like I just want out of this trauma bond, I miss him so much that it hurts to move on.

(ME: FEMALE, HER: FEMALE) When I was between the ages of 6-8 Im not exactly sure, my bestfriend at the time (same age as me, female) pressured me into giving and receiving head, ive seen online that rape is classified as not just unwanted penetration etc but also as non consented oral sex, which I was a child when this happened, and didn’t want to do it. Because we were children we didn’t know what we were doing and she didn’t know either, but I know it was still unwanted and is sexual assault/abuse because it happened more than once (received + giving, with a time gap between).

But I’m not sure if it would be classed as oral rape? And if so I don’t know if i would refer it to sexual assault and abuse or rape and sexual abuse?

How have you gone about doing it… after how long? Did you win? How can we prove it happened if it was in private and in a domestic setting?

TL;DR: what are my options (and unforeseen consequences) for pressing charges against someone who committed statutory rape/molestation against me 20 years ago?

I’m currently in my 30s (male) and when I was 14 I was sexually coerced by a 21 year old family friend. This went on for a few months. For what it’s worth there was no penetration, but a lot of everything else.

At the time I didn’t realize just how inappropriate it was and as someone with low self-esteem, I even felt flattered/special. However, I knew it was wrong and it wasn’t making me feel good so I told my parents and they confronted him, distanced me from him etc. but no charges were pressed. I honestly don’t think they knew what to do and I certainly didn’t.

Anyways, here we are 20 years later, I’m married, father of two children but lately I’ve been so consumed thinking about what I now understand was abuse. For some reason my recollection was that I was 14 and he was 18/19 but when I recently discovered the gap was even larger, I was so disgusted and angry. I also have been thinking a lot about it as I’m now so focused on preventing something like this from happening to my children.

My parents recently mentioned that our state doesn’t have a statute of limitations on situations like these but it’s been 20 years, I have no proof of anything. Am I just setting myself up for failure to pursue charges? Is that even what I want?

If you’ve pressed charges or know people who have, what good can come of it? More importantly, what are the unforeseen downsides?

I’m not sure if anything would be a potential trigger warning but just in case (TRIGGER WARNING) This is really just a venting/need words of encouragement or advice post. This morning I’m going to see a new obgyn because of pain I’ve been having around my period but I just feel a little nervous and traumatized from my previous doctor. I just had turned 21 and sought out a female doctor I thought would make me feel more comfortable or more heard from because I’ve felt belittled by male doctors before when complaining about the severity of my cramps or period pain. And with her she was young and we were of similar ethnicities so I thought she would be more aware or sensitive to the care of women especially of similar backgrounds or cultures And I basically went to my first appointment and everything was fine. I was nervous and anxious a little but I thought I was fine and then during the actual exam when she was collecting a sample from up my vagina with this kind of long thin looking eyelash curlers that’s the only way I could describe its shape and she scraped it against the inside of my cootchie and idk if it was the scrape or the actual act of penetration but i guess I completely freaked out I was fine for like 10 seconds after she took it out I just sat there then burst into tears and was hyperventilating and sobbing and I was so embarrassed and I felt almost guilty. She looked freaked out and like she didn’t know what to do or how or if to comfort me and I kept saying I’m sorry you didn’t do anything wrong then I told her I was assaulted as a child and I sometimes get triggered by like penetration or stuff like that and she kept saying she was sorry and then she said she was going to give me a moment to get dressed and then she came back in and just prescribed me birth control for the cramps after some discussion and even though I’m very holistic and natural and I’ve never been a pill taker even for headache medicine or cough drops. I even make my own natural deodorant and toothpaste. I really am more comfortable with herbal medicine but after all the stomach pain that made me originally make the appointment and then going through that first exam I left with the birth control and this is my first time being on any kind of medication or pill and it feels strange to me but that was almost a year ago and first of all I hateeee birth control and every appointment after that when I complained about the additional symptoms the pills where causing she kept switching pill brands and then told me I probably have endometriosis and that after a year on the pill she would see if I wanted surgery. But she didn’t seem like she wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on she kept just throwing birth control pills at me as a solution and I just felt so uncomfortable there. And today have and appointment at a new doctor that my friend recommended who is highly rated for his bedside manor and respectful and very accomplished so I believe if something is really wrong he will be able to catch it in time which is what I want. Because my last doctor kept just telling me to wait. But im still in pain and meanwhile something could be wrong that affects my ability to have kids or anything and she’s not showing any kind of urgency and it completely bothered me. But I know I completely folded into myself after that first appointment and I’ve been so anxious and quiet and just reflecting because I thought I was over whatever happened in my childhood but something about that appointment just brought back a flash back and it was horrible. I honestly don’t want to leave the house most days unless it’s with my girlfriend and even then I’m in the car and I’m scared to go and I don’t want to freak out or have a panic attack and I have to go alone today because she’s at work still. But I’m just nervous

My(F14 at the time) dads friend(37-40M) he touched me when I was younger and it hurt he had a big thing and it felt like he was punching my gut I don’t know what’s wrong with me but know I’m super hyper sexual and touch myself like 3 times a day every time a older man is around me or even talks to me I get scared and wet why I put myself in really bad situations when I’m horny is something wrong with me

Before I start, I feel as if its important to state that I am a male and that I was underage during these events and still am. The perpetrator is female.

For the longest time, I have avoided labelling my experience as anything 'rape-adjacent.' This is because of the relationship's nature - I was coerced into committing acts on video/webcam. There was no physicality involved, and I have always felt as if others have had it worse or something of the sort because I wasn't under immediate physical harm.

However, I was coerced and threatened in other ways into doing these acts that I repeatedly refused to do and expressed my disgust with. I was verbally abused, had mental issues (e.g. attachment issues) turned against me, & guilt tripped over roughly 6 months into doing increasingly disgusting things that I, from the start, approached with hesitancy. The relationship caused me to develop an eating disorder, which whilst in its depths I lost almost 50kg / 110 lbs.

I cut that person out of my life 9 months ago and struggled and continue to struggle with said eating disorder to this day. I have a very low sex drive, especially for a teenage male, and I am disgusted by sex as a concept. I'm repulsed by intimacy & I am deeply uncomfortable in the presence of women.

With the help of others, I feel like I'm confident enough to point out the fact that I was sexually coerced. However, I don't know how to approach this. My main desire is to enjoy intimacy and I want to be able to find a woman who I feel comfortable and safe with.

Any advice, comment, opinion on my situation, and so on would be very much appreciated.

I drove by his house today and his car wasn’t there, neither was his roommate’s. There were other cars parked in their spots. I’m guessing he moved out, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I know he’s probably in another state now, but I don’t feel any better about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone because now I have the urge to reach out anonymously or find him online, but I know I shouldn’t. I wish I could know that I would never see him again, but I’m always looking out for him and his car. I wish he would just die so then I could truly feel safe from him, and not have to fight the urge to find him online.

I just remembered my post here from 3 years ago. At that time I specifically made this reddit account just for posting here - for asking if other survivors think what happend to me was „bad enough“. The responses helped me so much and there was a time I came back often to read them again. Since then i‘ve been to therapy and feel a lot better & I haven’t looked at this post for years. I was triggerd a few weeks ago and even if I didnt question myself to that extant again, I felt the need of validation. Thats why I thought about this old post, reset the password and came back. Thank you for being there for me 3 years ago and today!

(To understand it, please read the previous posts about my experiences)

I'm here again... Laying in my bed, afraid of sleeping. I just can't do any of this anymore. Relive the memories every Night... I already told my priest in church: And he gave me the advice to not give up... but I just have to.

I may be gone for the next few days, weeks, months, years or forever. If I don't get back to you at all, you'll know why...

(this is a post I posted recently on some subreddit, but I think it could help others understanding how deep something like this is going, idk)

I’ve been wrestling over the idea of me being asexual or demi for awhile now but there’s a lot of nuance with this question so let me explain some context (TW: SA):

growing up I’d say I was pretty sexual…at least in private by myself. Like I started flicking the bean at age 5. My mom was one of those parents that didn’t even want me to have a bf until I moved out of the house (which we will find later in the story is exactly what I did). I think with her being so strict about boys, I repressed & was ashamed of any sexual thought I had as a kid. Fast forward to highschool, everyone was having sex & I wasn’t…not bc I couldn’t I just didn’t find anyone that I liked enough to have it. Then, when I was 19 I met a guy whom I not only lost my virginity to but had a 4 year long relationship with.

The relationship started off really passionate with us having sex 2-3 times a day & being experimental. Then things changed when about 2 or so years in I said no for the first time…he didn’t like that & then he raped me. After this occurrence it was very rare that I ever had a desire to have sex with him, this led to consistent SA & emotional manipulation from him.

I left that relationship extremely confused about my sex drive. Was it all because of what he did to me or was it deeper than that? Once I was out of that relationship I was determined to figure it out so I did the whole one night stand thing a couple times & found very little pleasure in it…in fact it just felt like a chore & I dissociated through most of it. Again, was this due to the sexual trauma or was it more than that?

This leads to me to the last bit of this story & the main reason I’m writing this post. I haven’t had sex in 9ish months & I have to be honest with you, I don’t care. Like really at all. Don’t get me wrong I still masturbate pretty regularly but I just don’t feel the need for sex & don’t know if I ever will again…like it’s just not as important to me as it is to my friends. I’ve got countless opportunities I just have no real desire to take them…maybe its because I’m picky…maybe I’m demi…maybe I’m asexual…maybe it’s trauma…I just don’t know & would love some insight from others who can maybe relate.

I (18F) don't really know what's triggering it but recently I've been having terrible nightmares about my assault. I don't want to go into a lot of depth but it was my girlfriend when I was a pre teen and it happened almost every time she got me alone no matter where we were. The dreams happen in various places and ends one of two ways, either the assault happens again or I do something incredibly violent to her or who ever is trying to touch me.

I'm not a violent person and no matter which way it goes I wake up crying, sometimes screaming, after a particularly violent one I woke up and threw up from it. I feel disgusted by myself no matter what happens in the dream. I feel like a psycho for having the dreams where I hurt them. I don't want to really hurt people but in these dreams it isn't just self defense, at a point its just violence for violence sake and in the dream it feels so natural and normal to do. I can't handle this, I want it to stop and I can't. It's gotten to the point I can't sleep at night because I'm scared of what I'll dream of

I tried seeing a psychiatrist but he had no interest in discussing my dreams and told me I'm not pregnant or in jail so he doesn't see a reason to diagnose me with anything. Is this something I can do anything about on my own? Should I see a different psychiatrist? It was so hard to tell someone face to face the first time and I can't handle it being brushed off like that again. I just want to sleep

I have my "day in court" in 17 days and its all I can think about. As the crime happened in a different country, I have to do my statement and questions via a live link. I only found this out the other day, all along the plan was to record it and play it in court when the trial commences. Im feeling so low, I feel so ashamed, guilty, and embarrassed. I know the defence team are gonna try to rip me apart and I know I will have a hard time , holding my tongue. This is my first time to speak and tell my side of the story. I am terrified.

TRIGGER WARNING:SUICIDE MENTIONED. I need to get this off my chest because it's been playing up in my head for the past few months and I need an outlet. When I was nine years old my step dad raped me. My mother wasn't at home and my siblings were asleep. I was very self aware as a child so I knew what was happening but was too scared to speak out about it. This continued to happen every time my mum worked a night shift. I was so scared of him and what he could do to me because he would always tell me to not tell anyone, especially my mum. It got so bad to the point that he would do it to me when my mum was sleeping upstairs and we were downstairs. I thought this was normal and it didn't really start to effect me until last year. That's when it registered in my head that this wasn't normal and I began to hate myself for it. I hated myself so much that I tried to take my life two times. Nobody knew how much I was struggling because I just kept everything to myself. I eventually told my mum about it and she didn't believe. She said that he could never do something like that and that he was such a kind man. Bearing in mind I was 14 when I told her and now I'm 15. I just didn't know what to do because now I am still living in the same house as a predetor and I can't do anything about it. It's so hard living with this secret because no one knows how much it's affecting me. I've tried not to sh again and I even tried to take my life again a couple weeks after by 15th birthday. I don't want to be here anymore.

TRIGGER WARNING

I just had a blackout episode where I came out on the other side with memories that I was raped and/or severely molested as a child…I was adopted from birth…but I think my parent had something to do with it or at least that is what the memories keep telling me. and I don’t know where to start on myself or what to do or how to think because what if it’s all this lie my brain is telling me? But as I think the more puzzle blocks start to make sense on why I am the way I am and I just am so lost and confused and don’t want it to be him. and I want to tread lightly as this is a serious claim and accusation of it was someone else. I just want peace of mind. There’s a lot of fuzzy details and it’s hard to let myself remember without going into shut down panic attack. Any resources? Tips? Therapists? Please

I want to also let y’all know I am safe and feeling regulated as of current and I send peace to those who don’t feel that way right now.

This is on a throwaway because my usual account is under a username I use across several platforms.

Earlier this year, I got triggered into remembering repressed memories of my ex-boyfriend violating me. The memory was so intense that I could feel his hands on me and I wanted to puke. At the time, I had only remembered us making out and me freezing (this was my first long-term relationship and it was LDR. I consensually lost my virginity to him months before) while I was sitting in his lap. I remember everything being kinda hazy and I was uncomfortable and I started crying and apologizing. I don't remember if he stopped immediately when I froze but I want to say he didn't stop until I was crying. Afterwards I kept apologizing (I'm a people pleaser due to childhood trauma) and he honestly made me feel guilty. He had some family issues and told me "well I was hoping for some stress relief but I guess not since you're upset."

This is all I recalled when I got triggered into remembering. That incident was 5 years ago. The next following days, I would remember other incidents.

Further on in our relationship, I would go visit him during my breaks in college. I remember one time he asked if we could try anal. I'm a pretty experimental person so I agreed. We tried it, I didn't like it at all. I think I let it happen for a bit to see if I'd warm up to it and eventually I told him to stop and he did. My next visit, he wanted to do it again. I really didn't want to and I even said that it was uncomfortable. He assured me he talked to a friend and got some tips on how to prep me better since he really didn't prep me at all the first time. I remember really not wanting to say yes, but I did anyways because he had kept asking me prior to that (like when I was planning this trip, and I kept saying "idk we'll see.") Once again, I didn't like it at all. But I didn't say to stop. I don't really remember how I reacted but I know I didn't like it and I was more than likely quiet and maybe frozen, grimacing into the sheets.

Is this rape...? I keep telling myself it is and isn't, mainly because I didn't say no and I did tell him we could try again even though I didn't want to... I don't remember a lot of the details, just the vague basis of what happened. I remember what the area looked like and smelled like because that was his apartment and I spent a good handful of weeks there over 3 years.

I do know for a fact that he did sexually assault me right after taking my virginity (another memory I recovered). I fell asleep afterwards and I half-woke up to him spooning me and humping me. I just sorta froze and let it happen. I can still feel something on my back when I think about it for too long. I just feel so weird about everything and I keep doubting myself and I'm starting therapy, I haven't told my therapist this story yet but I just feel like I need someone to tell me if what I'm feeling is valid or not or if I'm just over-exaggerating my reactions to feel like a victim.

Thanks all <3

Ive been in therapy for years, uncovered memories, talked about it, gotten past the shame and stigma, been able to speak to partners and friends and family about it, etc. I’m fine I guess, that stuff is great and it’s progress and whatever.

But nothing can get me to process it. Nothing has helped the fear and the immediate bodily reaction. Nothing makes me feel safe.

For some reason I still want to tell everyone exactly what happened. I don’t, but there’s this urge to that hasn’t gone away in 8 years. Every time I think about it, I immediately feel like I’m back in the place where it happened. No amount of talk therapy has ever made me feel like I’m moving through it or pocessing it. I still have flashbacks. I still struggle to have a physically intimate life. I’m past the shame and stigma but no therapist can help me actually process the emotions behind I it. I leave every session feeling unsatisfied and let down.

What helped you?

My rapist reached out to me twice. Once a year ago over email. I ignored it. And again a few days ago over text, using my phone number. We haven't spoken in 11 years. He congratulated me on an achievement which is only public on LinkedIn. He must have been keeping tabs on me because we are not connected on LinkedIn & that achievement was posted last year. I confronted him, told him what he did repeatedly to me 12 years ago, that it affected me tremendously, and that he has one chance to respond before I immediately block him. He expressed regret but mostly turned it back on himself saying "if it makes you feel any better" he was hospitalized for depression and attempted suicide multiple times. I didn't respond & blocked him.

What do I do now? I thought I would feel empowered after finally saying my piece after 11 years. Instead I feel unwell.