Im 15, My step-dad was always jokey handsy, like pokes and playful butt slaps ig idk but it's getting aggressive lately like he walked behind me where there was very little room to get by and completely like grinded his crotch and stuff across my ass. Yesterday we were "wrestling and he briefly had me in a face down ass up position then I stood up and he plopped me down onto his lap and let's just say I got kinda stabbed by something idk it's not rape but is he going too far

3 years ago i was 19 on a Monday i consented to sex with him but on friday the same week i kept telling him no and stop but he just wouldn’t he continued to touch me in places i didnt feel comfortable with him hours after i got home i brought my mum to my room to tell her i asked if i should report and than she said “it’ll be an hassle just block him on everything it’ll be fine” but also learned she didn’t actually believe me and told everyone in my family that i was a liar and apparently to my mum rape has to involve visible injuries to class as rape and i haven’t gotten therapy cause my mother didnt help me with it also i forgot to mention im autistic aswell 😅

I was raped almost three years ago now and I really am mostly fine. I have a good job, a nice flat and lovely people around me. But occasionally (and now is one of those times), I just feel like it hits me all over again and just want to give it all up and let myself fall back to rock bottom.

I know I should never expect to be over it, and I should be grateful that I am feeling mostly mentally stable, but it is just so unbearably frustrating. I still can’t enjoy sex, I still jump out of my skin when I see someone who remotely resembles my rapist and I am still sent spiralling when I hear music that reminds me of the experience.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel really alone in this at the moment and needed to vent. If anyone has any advice that might help please comment, or even if you feel the same.

My rape and abuse was well over a year ago now yet I’m still losing sleep and my life to it.

I don’t think about it willingly nor do I want to obviously but it’s like my body wants to torture me by reminding me all the time. I feel like I anger everyone around me by being miserable about it still I don’t think people even believe me because of how much shit he put me through and how I can’t recall everything well.

The other day I was cooking and had a horrible flashback where everything was on me again I felt everything and how weak I was.

I was hysterically crying until my stepdad came into the kitchen and instead of being worried he was more angry he has been woken up and made everything about him. I was frantically repeating I want it to stop I feel it make it stop he realised whay the situation was about and was frustrated.

He was shouting at me whilst I was having a panic attack and autistic meltdown on the floor he kept saying how I’m absolutely pathetic and I need to “grow up” because it was a year ago but to me it feels so fresh. I said to him he doesn’t understand and he shouts more and more making me feel so invalidated.

I made a post a few days ago about being drugged and raped from another account. I have been feeling so much pain in the past few days that it feels like i cant breath. I dont know what to do. Thankfully not pregnant, waiting on std results. I just hate how it happened because i was careless with my drink and left it alone at a party.

Ok so, first of all, my boyfriend alr knows about what happened to me. That I was raped and shits. But, every-time that he touches me I feel like I was too unclean for him. I’ve always looked at myself and my body as disgusting. I never loved the way I look and the way that I was. Yet he loved every bits of it. How do I tell him, that even with all those love that he’s giving me, I still feel unclean and disgusted by myself?

hi im 15F my brother (27M) and his friends raped me and are abusing me, but i think somewhere it's my fault because he said i was "being a tease" and acting like a sl*t but i swear i was not doing anything, idk im trapped and i just want it to stop, i have apologised and begged him to stop but he says until im punished enough he won't :((

TW: CHILD R*PE/ASSAULT 

This is going to be a very long post most likely and there may be a lot of grammar mistakes as well. I just need to type this out and I just need advice from people that don't know me. I've never posted before so I'm not super sure how this will work but I just need to see what random people might say at this situation. Also I am going to be using nonspecific pronouns in the story for this person for a reason.

I'm going to be talking about my experiences with being roped as a child and what's been going on in my mind. This post will be a rough one so I understand that not a lot of people will read this. I'm also really bad at explaining this and there are going to be missing information because my memory is not very good. Here goes:

I'm going to start by giving backstory because this actually needs it. I don't remember what age this was happening but all I know is that I was very young. I have a half sibling on my dad's side. They are a minor but older than me by 6 years. When my parents would leave the house my half sibling would want me to take off my under garments and go up and down on his penis. I don't really remember how often it happened but I knew that I didn't like it or understand why. One time we were doing it in my room on the floor then my mom came in and I screamed. I immediately got up and my half sibling zipped up his pants. My dad then went to go talk to my half sibling and my mom went to go talk to me separately. My mom asked what we were doing and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say because I didn't know the word sex. So I just said I gave them a butt massage. That was the closest descriptor I could come up with of the sex. I'm not sure what happened after that but ever since that, I stopped seeing my half sibling

Fast forward to middle school, life was so difficult at home and with my mental health. I had realized what he did to me and life was difficult. My parents separated when I was in Middle school so they were living in separate houses. Then my half sibling moved in with my dad and I started to see them again. Rarely though because I barely saw my dad. Then I never stopped thinking about it. The moment haunts me till this day and I am terrified of the day when my mom or dad will ask me about that day. My mom has once asked if she can talk about something that's been on her mind for years and I shut her down real quick. I am so scared and terrified. No one in my life knows about what happened. 

That is just one situation, but here is the main situation. I still think about what happened but I try to go about my day to day life. I recently started a relationship with this boy who I really love. Life is going alright, it's just this thing that happened when I was a child that's been eating at me. Last week my uncle had a mini party where he was just going to cook meat at my dad's house. So I went and my half sibling was there. At this point, I feel indifferent towards them. I don't hate him but I also don't super like them. So I'm at the party and they're getting pretty drunk including my half sibling. The last time my half sibling got drunk, they got all sentimental and they told me that I should visit more and that they loved me. I told them I loved them too but they said that I was lying (low-key I was, I just said it because I'm awkward). He basically did the same thing again but we actually talked more. They basically explained the gist of what they have been feeling about life and how I'm closed off and that I should open up more. Again I just felt awkward. Then they started saying proud they are of me because I'm continuing school and how strong I am feel dealing with all of the shit that happened (all the shit that happened in Middle school and high school I'm assuming that's what they were talking about). I just told them thank you and they kept insisting that we hang out more. That got me stressed out because I have to keep up with a lot of relationships already and on top of that a new relationship that I should prioritize.

So the main issue I have is, why are they also ignoring what happened when we used to live together? I know they remember. They were old enough to remember. If I'm able to remember, I know they remember too. Also, does my dad know? Did they tell my dad what happened? I am just so conflicted right now and I'm not sure if I even want a relationship with my half sibling. It just feels weird and I like when we were separated. Should I say something about what happened when I was a kid? Idk what to do. I don't want advice from anyone I know because that would mean I would have to tell them a deep dark secret I have been hiding for years. It has just been hurting me ever sense. I don't know what to do. I started writing this while I was at work and I know that was not a good idea but I just need to vent this out. I have so many questions and no answers. Sorry for the long post but I just needed to vent it somewhere I know no one I know will see this

I was 18 and believe I was raped by my ex. I’m 20 now, but I often believe it was my fault and don’t like to talk about it much.

He was pressuring me to go on birth control so we could have sex without a condom. I was not ready to start the pill due to fears of weight gain and other side effects but at some point I started lying to get him off my back. Which was a bad idea I’ll admit and I regret lying.

I had expressed that I was still more comfortable using a condom even “on birth control” but he kept pressuring me to just “try” having sex without one. I let him try it, I told him to stop, but then he decided to “try” it again without my permission, held me down, and by that point I was too annoyed and exasperated because I knew then he didn’t care about me or want to listen to me.

I do not have terrible traumatic memories from the event but that may also be because I dissociated and repressed most of my memories of it. We were in contact for another year before I blocked him for cheating on me the second time we got back together. Sometimes I think it was my fault, and that I was the one who assaulted him because I lied about being on birth control. I felt the need to keep him around and impress him because being afraid of birth control is such an irrational thing.

I’ve talked to therapists about it and it just goes nowhere because they never want to give advice. I wish this whole situation would get out of my head. I feel like a disgusting person who assaulted him even though that same night that happened I had contacted RAINN and was in shock about it all.

Most people in my circle who I’ve told have said it’s rape but I just can’t fathom it. I can’t. My ex was not a good person but I can’t view him as a rapist no matter how much I try to.

And yet lately I've been disconnected from myself almost daily. Everything is far away. I feel nothing.

Edit: the events all feel like a movie I watched years ago and mostly forgot. Nothing feels real.

I was raped almost every day for four years, the days I wasn’t raped I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do or else I wouldn’t be able to leave or eat or do anything. My bf now is depressed all the time and is complains that I don’t get it and that it’s easy for me. Nothings easy for me anymore. The longest time I haven’t thought about being raped was the time it takes for me to fall asleep and wake up on a good night where I don’t have nightmares. Whenever I talk to my mom about my trauma she scolds me and questions why I even stayed with that guy. It’s so hard to put up this front that everything’s okay when it’s not. Everyone is so self centered they don’t think how deeply I’m affected by this and their actions.

Hai.. I'm unfortunately very young so I don't feel comfortable disclosing my age (still in highschool for reference). But i've been with my boyfriend about on and off since February. Back when we first started dating, he would be possessive, mean, and had r4ped me when we were alone at his house. I had broken up with him and was and still am too scared to tell anybody the full story. But for some reason I just went back to him a second time, he had seemed to have gotten better, but he was still abusive and would force me to do things again to the point of physical harm and me having to run. This all happening in the span of a few months as we've been dating for only so long. I genuinely thought I was done with him but i went back to him again, I think im going crazy I don't understand why I always go back. This time, he wasn't possessive at all and had shown a lot of signs of getting better, he would shower me with love, gifts, and a lot of affection that put me under the impression he was completely fine now, but earlier he had gotten angry and decided to take it out on me which ended up in me getting slapped and more. It just made me realize that this is going to keep happening. But why do I find it so hard to leave him? Something in my brain just feels like I deserve this even though I know nobody does. Is this stockholm syndrome? I'm just so confused on what to do, I love him so much but I know this is wrong, I just cant see myself leaving him. And I'm so afraid to tell my parents, my dad is heavily abusive and enjoys boasting about all the trauma me and my siblings faced by him. And my mom just lets him do it even though she claims to be sick of him. And I unfortunately don't have a lot of friends to tell, I've lost about 8 friends because of him, and losing them made me realize how crazy i must be to love him, and the friends that I still have, I don't want to trauma dump on them it makes me feel horrible. What should I do... I feel so attached to him and i dont know why

It's been 5 years today since the first time my abuser raped me. It's interesting to me that I'm struggling tonight when I haven't struggled with it in a very long time. Even now, as I can't get my mind to shift gears, it's not the crippling pain of the past, and I'm grateful.

Some interesting takeaways:

I still get triggered. I'm not usually surprised by being triggered anymore, and I can work through the episode to calm myself down and regulate my emotions.

I changed my bed and moved in the past year, and I had no idea how often being in the room and on the bed where it happened made me think of that night. I've had many more peaceful nights since, and when I do think of it, I'm not in the place where it happens, so it doesn't as easily break my peace.

I'm never going to forget it. I remember wanting desperately to forget it had ever happened and just move on, but it's not something that will ever leave me. I've accepted that, and it's become a sort of distant thing, something my mind moves past just as it would any other memory.

Not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe to give hope to those who are just beginning their healing journeys, maybe to not feel so alone tonight. Either way, I wanted to share where I'm at.

Ironic. Depressing.

I wanted to kill myself every time that I remember this.

I was 6, when he started to get me to do things such as selling drugs and giving the money to Him. It was fine, cause what does a 6 year old know about drugs? All I know is I was giving something to other people and I was getting paid and my father was happy. It was all fine, but then it wasn’t. Because when He realized that He’s not getting enough money from drugs, he tried to find something else to sell… and funny cause He found me! Me. A 6 year old.

There were times that He would give me to my godfather for “a while” because apparently, He can’t take care of me. But then, my godfather started touching me inappropriately, and even going further. And I remember my godfather taking me home and giving money to my father. I thought that was just a random moment, then it happened again and again.

I thought, it was okay since it makes my father happy. Even when I wasn’t. Then it all happened, he started doing it to me too. Under the influence of drugs. Even his brother, my uncle, did it to me too. Under the influence of drugs too.

6, 7, 8, 9

Four consecutive years, I was raped. I was used like a toy, I was a child. A Child. I didn’t even know how I survived it, I just did.

At 9, I told my mom. (Overseas) She came back here and went to the police, but hey! They said it was not possible, cause a “father” wouldn’t do it to their child, oh I hope. I hope. I hope I was lying, I hope I was.. I was just imagining things.

At 9 I was in a different house, much safer. Though toxic.

10, 11, 12, 13

Those good four years I spent clean. I thought It wont happen again. But it did.

14, 15,

It all happened again.

I’m 16, and It’s almost a year since I was last raped. I don’t know if it’ll happen again, and I don’t know what I’ll do if it did.

My husband (42m) and I (41f) have been married 8 years. It hasn't been an ideal marriage ,with him lying and cheating, being controlling and just making life hard in general. He has never had to cook or clean, do laundry or anything at all. He works and because he works and pays the bills he thinks that's all he has to do and makes him the ruler of the house. He hasn't wanted me to work most of our relationship but the 1st thing he throws in my face when I tried to talk to him about things that bother me, is that I don't work. It's litterally the only thing he can use against me because he knows I do everything for him. Including rubbing his back every night before he goes to sleep, and if I don't want to, he will get mad. If I try to decline sex or ask to push it to the next night or something he gets so mad, doesn't talk to me or anything. Let me be clear we have sex regularly but apparently it's still not enough for him. In the 12 days before he forced me, we had sex or I got him off some how 6 of those 12 days. So almost every other day. Which is 1 of a million reasons I wonder why he did this to me. I am trying to leave him but it's very hard bc I have no money and no way to leave. And being here everyday with him pretending to still love him is killing me. He at first tried to blame me saying I never give him sex when he wants it. But a few minutes later he was apologizing, saying he didn't know what came over him and he hated himself and it'd never happen again. And since the morning he forced me there have been 2 instances where he has tried again but stopped before he got that far. Maybe hoping I'd just give in and let it happen? Idk. But what I really don't understand is WHY do I start bawling everytime I think about leaving and him coming home to an empty house? Because I have to leave while he's gone or he will try to get me to stay and may be angry. But why do I care how he feels? I can't wrap my head around it because I don't want to touch him or kiss him or anything else but if I don't he gets mean and makes me feel horrible. So why do I care? What is wrong with me??

I didn’t think out-of-body experiences were real or actually happened, until it happened to me (at least I think it did) while I was being raped. The easiest/simplest way for me to describe what it was like is this:

It started a few moments after he began assaulting me. I did freeze and I think during this moment where I was frozen is when I was having this experience. I remember just having the perspective of a spectator on what was happening. I could also hear a voice, unsure if it was my voice, it was like my own inner voice but I could hear it, saying things such as “this is really bad”, “what a shame for her/you/me that this is happening”, “this is terrible” - in a very distraught and emotional and almost pitiful tone.

I think about it all the time, and I discussed it in my police statement, and one of the investigating officers told me it was an out of body experience, and when I discussed it with the woman from the procurator fiscal, I described it and asked her if it made sense and she just said, while still writing in her notes “yes it absolutely makes sense. I’ve heard things like this from many victims, it’s a common reaction to something like this” and nothing else was said. But I do think about it all the time and wonder why my brain did that. Has anyone else here experienced this?

After 11 years of keepimg it a secret, I told my dad about my rape. It doesn't make me feel any better and I feel like I've ruined his life because now he's probably feeling guilty for somethings none of us has any part.

I was 19 and it still breaks my heart and there's not a day that goes by that I don't feel at least without the will of living.

(Aplogize for the bad Grammer, English isn't my first language)

I F(14) was almost raped in 7th grade by my at the time 7th grade crush. I was 12 he was 13. For context, he's psychotic, he changed personality based on the person. When I first started talking to him he was nice, until I got him to open up, then he revealed his true personality. He would send me his ph links and tell me to watch it while telling me in extreme detail what he was doing, I was obviously uncomfortable and desperate because at the time I suffered from extreme attachment and abandonment issues, and since he was my only friend, I didn't want to leave him. I told him multiple times how uncomfortable I was but he never listened or apologized, one day we hangout and we go to this restaurant, he needs to go to the bathroom and tells me to wait outside the door, he enters then a few seconds later he drags me in, pinning me to the door so I can't escape, I was crying and shaking, one hand was pinning me, the other reaching for his pants, my fight or flight kicked in and I kicked him square in the balls and escaped. After that we didn't talk but he moved countries, a couple days after the incident his mother (he has using her phone for all of these sexual texts btw) texts me telling me that she reads his texts and knows everything, she knew about it and didn't stop him. Present day, I recently opened up about it for the first time in 1-2 years, my friend told someone and now I have an option to meet with a councilor, this is great besides the fact I don't want to ruin his life. What do I do? Should I even care about ruining his life when he intended on ruining mine?

Ever since i can remember I've been having dreams about getting raped, touched inappropriately or other sexual abuse related topics have been appearing in my dreams. I can't tell you how often, but it does happen quite a lot. I was sexually abused twice at around 5 and 7 years old and didn't really feel traumatized since i didn't understand what was going on much and laughed it off until i got older and the realization kicked on a random day. In fact i forgot it even happened to begin with until I've heard about a similar situation to mine from someone. I'm not like most sexual assault victims I've heard of so it's very hard to understand how my brain works and how the assault affected me. The only "symptom" I've ever experienced was me being hypersexual both as a child and during puberty but it went away eventually.

My dreams vary a lot. Sometimes I'll be lucky and dream normally. But most of the time I'm getting the bas ones. My dreams usually will start innocent. A walk in a park, getting ice cream, spending time with friends and family, then my brain will imagine a random person running towards me, touching me inappropriately. I almost always wake up before it gets more serious. Sometimes i dream of extreme sexual assault scenes and can't wake up until I'm done with it. Sometimes even I'll be the rapist and wake up with massive guilt or even a feeling similar to grief. What confuses me is that none of my dreams represent what actually happened to me in real life so it's extremely exhausting having to dream about getting raped in detail, experiencing it as if it was real. I've talked to some of my friends about it and a few of them actually said that they do occasionally dream about getting raped. That's the main reason i can't tell if my dreams are a trauma response or not. Especially because they don't reflect on my real life experience with sexual assault.

I think about what happened to me every day subcontiously it’s just always in my head and my soul is always disturbed by the fact I didn’t get justice after it all, and I think because I think about it all the time it desensitises me to it, but sometimes I get this sudden and strong realisation that I’ve been raped and its really shocking and I actually can’t believe that it has happened to me and I’m devastated just from the fact that I have been raped because it’s something that I’ve always just thought of as a thing that happens to other unfortunate people and I’d never be one of them and it’s the most disturbing sensation when I have this thought it actually makes my stomach hurt and I feel sick and feel like my arms and hands are burning and I can hear my heart thumping. It causes visceral reactions in me. And then as that subsides I just feel so sad for the little girl that I used to be and how she didn’t deserve that in her life when she grew up. Anyone else relate to this? I hope it’s not something that I experience for ever..

Hii I'm a new member and I honestly just need to ask about my experience and if it was or not rape. So, I'm unsure if it was rape or not. But basically my ex had wanted to have sex with me and he told me on call that he wanted to buy if I wasn't ready yet it was fine and I could tell him. I told him I wasn't ready yet and again in person. But at school (we are both in Highschool) he forced me into a small room with no windows that no body could see or hear us in. He at first forced me into a hug but then he put his hand down my pants and I told him to stop he didn't I tried to fight him I failed. And he pulled my pants down and had sex with me, I told him to stop and he didn't. I know it was wrong but I feel like I lead him on and that it was my fault. Is this rape or is this just me being dramatic?

so i'm into cnc and ive had a fantasy of doing cnc while im drunk but my ex we were at his cousins birthday party and we were arguing that day and he was really mad at me and hit me a few times and i got drunk out of my mind and i was sitting beside a bed and he was like "you wanted this to happen right? come with me to the other room" and i was so drunk and i didn't even say anything and he took me to the other room and did stuff to me and had sex with me and i would pass out but he would smack my face till i woke up while he had sex with me and i don't know what to call this cuz i am into cnc but ive always felt weird about it

I have been raped two many times to count and been hit and everything in between. I can’t even barely ask anyone for help or to ask questions because I’m worried something bad going to happen to me in some way shape or form. I have flashbacks and severe cptsd and bpd.

Hi,

I don't know why I'm asking this question but recently, it's been affecting my mental health that the person who borderline sexually assaulted me has never apologised or even raised concerns about what happened.

In short, I'm not even sure if it was SA and here's a quick summary - my ex and I met up a few months after breaking up. I was fully up for having sex. Which started off great but I told him to stop because I was not on birth control and he was not wearing any protection. It got to a point where I was literally pushing him off but he was refusing and he did, indeed, finish in. The only gray area is that when we were together, I was into a little bit of cnc (saying 'no'). Except this time, it was clear to me that I did not want it to happen. The main thought for me comes from if I had gotten pregnant or an std, this would've been a whole different story.

Anyways. This person is a part of a mutual friend group. And seeing that all these friends don't know the "real" him and what he actually did bothers me. I don't know if it's partially because I want them to know? Or do I want him to apologise for what he did?

I know he told one of his recent ex something along the lines of 'my needs as a man aren't being met' because she didn't want to engage in activities or what not.

It took me over a year to realise that this happened. This happened back in early 2023. I'm not sure bringing it up now does any good to anyone. I've been in a truly happy and incredible relationship since then. Which is making realise more and more how things weren't ok- how he used similar lines like above towards me. I'm not sure why it's bothering me now? I feel like there is a chance that bringing this up now will just cause everything to blow out of proportion as this is a serious accusation.

Thanks for reading.

I can’t stop my body from feeling it. Hyper sexuality is so confusing. I don’t want to feel it but it makes me desperate to replace the feeling with something stronger. I hate not feeling safe in my body I feel desperate to remind it that it’s mine. Maybe more people know what I’m talking about.

I just want to pour my heart out and share my story. But this is going to be graphic so please, only read if you're 18+ and if you are able to hear this stuff (domestic violence, SA, suicidal feelings, etc). Thanks... . . . . .

So, I'm broken. I'm completely and utterly broken. All my life I've been used, abused, and hurt. It started when I was molested. I guess it turned on a light switch in my mind and made me both incredibly sadistic and incredibly masochistic at the same time. I was also hit two times as a kid and exposed to a lot of frightening situations. The damage was done fast. Fast forward to teenagehood and then I become hypersexual and start engaging in dangerous online behavior with older men. I wanted to replay the chaos I experienced as a child. And I developed severe mental health issues like BPD and major depression...I became hypersexual and I fell fast. I became suicidal and was hospitalized.

In my late teens, I was sexually assaulted violently by my ex. It was the first violent struggle of my life. I screamed and I kicked and I fought but to no avail. Nobody could help me. I felt disgusting in my body. I felt violated and horrible. I fell into a deep depression.

Then I ended up in an abusive relationship..He called me names, so many names. And he beat me until my whole legs were covered with thick, dark bruises. I feel a sense of fear when I hear the sound of the belt. Nothing hurt more than the searing pain of the leather against my skin. It felt like it was being burned off. He also forced me to be a camgirl for money. I hated it. I tried, even on cam, and no one cared. There's still pictures of it online. If I didn't do the cam work, I would be beaten or called names. I felt like I couldn't leabe him...

But I did..

Only to fall into the hands of another abuser. He was mostly verbally abusive, but he coerced me by guilt tripping me into sex. He lamented that I didn't want to have sex with him, and he would cry. We got in an argument and I capitulated. I had sex with him and I grinned and beared it. I winced in pain and I felt beyond violated with what was happening to me. He knew I didn't want it..but he didn't stop. I left him...but it hurt. He was the last person I was with (in person)

I tried to have normal relationships, but it's never worked out. The only people who want me are abusers. I feel broken, unable to escape from the cycle of abusive that I both love (because trauma feels safe) and hate (because I feel suicidal). I want to end my life because I don't want to be broken.

I don't want to fall into the hands of another abuser but that seems to be my whole life. I've forgiven everyone who hurt me and I wish them peace and good things but it hurts being broken. I'm so hypersexual that I spend several hours a day in fantasy, mostly very violent ones, and not taking care of myself.

It hurts so much.

I can't take this. I can't stop blaming myself. I feel like I deserve it

Help me...please....I'm drowning.

Hello! I’m sorry, I’m not sure even sure if this is the right sub to ask this in but I’m having a bit of a crisis and could use some advice/outsider perspectives. So earlier this week I stupidly got blackout drunk and ended up sleeping with a guy I had just met (which is very unlike me anyway). I am really scared because I really don’t remember much at all. He came back to mine, and I’m assuming I must’ve consented to the sex, however I woke up the next morning absolutely covered in bruises all over my chest, arms, wrists and neck, as well as having dark bite marks all over me too. I really don’t know what happened, but the fact that he used such aggression and force on me whilst I was blackout drunk is really freaking me out, because there is no way I would’ve consented to that. I don’t know, is that assault? Sorry for rambling, I’m just quite freaked out. Also I understand that I am partly at fault as I got blackout drunk, but the whole thing feels a bit iffy.

So I told him I didn’t want to go raw this time and he said okay. We did doggy so I couldn’t see if he put it on or not but I heard him open the condom so assumed he put it on. Then we were going and we were going to switch positions and I grabbed his dick and felt there was no condom. I started crying I was really upset, he didn’t really seem to care. Would this be considered rape or SA idk how to feel.

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS I was raped repeatedly by someone who had stalked me since I was 15 for a year after I graduated high school and now all I can do is write the experiences i have lived, does anyone else feel a need to write out these experiences?

heres a small segment of my writing:

… the emptiness after it happens, a shell of yourself, then filled with his truth, his words, his touch, him, the knife at ur throat to stop the pleading, the purple bruises to stop the moving, not being able to say anything, to cry for help after, and feeling it happen every second of every day moving forward, closed eyes teleport you back, wanting to scratch all the skin off to make it go away, unhappy being alive after it all but wanting something more and worse to happen so u dont get labelled weak, a part of you wanting it to happen over and over again because its become normal in ur head, it hurts for it to happen and hurts without

{Throwaway for obvious reasons and I apologize for this being so damn long of a post (first time I’ve posted after being a long-time lurker)}

TLDR; Pretty sure I got sexually assaulted by a classmate and am trying to process it before it goes through my university’s Title IX coordinator and asking for advice.

Premise:

I (24) male am getting my materials ready for law school and wrote a personal statement concerning overcoming a health and personal issue that occurred two years ago. What happened two years ago brought me to my lowest and involved being hospitalized; I thought about leaving my university, but I stayed and found a renewed passion for being a lawyer. After writing this letter, I sent it to a professor I have a great relationship with. I wrote what happened to me as being a sexual assault and I realize now that it’s probably going to be sent to the Title IX coordinator. I don’t really like talking about what happened but I want to be as impartial as possible and I’ve always found Reddit neat in being a forum of advice. Below is the story of what happened and I would very much appreciate your comments.

The story:

Two years ago I met a classmate who I considered a really good friend who was a little older (23 Male at the time?) and we had gotten along really well over a 3-month period. Everyone in my circle knew him and his circle knew me but we hadn’t interacted until this point. I had been going through a whirlwind of a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend who at one point tried to do some ritual on me (long story; huge religious differences) and I was at a point where I felt confused. She had berated me for being bi-curious but had begun to kiss other girls at parties and I felt like I was hit with a double standard. Eventually, we came across a compromise that she said I could kiss a boy one time and that would make things even (beyond dumb…I know). Anyhow, back to the friend: so we had been getting along really well and we tried inviting some friends out to a Japanese steakhouse.

While I thought we had planned for other people from our class to show up; it eventually ended up being just me and him. I had a lot of fun discussing legal precedents and a shared hobby of grilling. After a few rounds of sake, we sat outside sobering up before eventually moving to one of the cars. After making dumb jokes and whatnot, he mentioned how he was into guys and I told him about the arrangement my girlfriend and I made where I could kiss a boy. He was very excited and we kissed for a little bit. Following this, he asked if I would be interested in taking things further and having sex. While he knew I had a girlfriend and I could see where he was coming from; I reiterated that kissing was a one-time thing and that I would not be interested in sex.

While my relationship with my then-girlfriend was starting to crumble. The friend started texting me and following me around campus more and more. While I didn’t mind at first, it was getting to the point where I was being texted to 5 am and it was starting to get a bit much. While he was not bad-looking, funny, and I felt a little attracted; I wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything. Furthermore, every time we were supposed to have friends hang out with us; they would never show up and so it would be just me and him.

One night he mentions how he’s hosting a movie night with drinks and that we would be watching one of my favorite movies. It ended up being just me and him again. I distinctly remember having three cans of Guinness, one of his beers, and a few shots of soju from 9-11 pm (I weigh 140lbs). He had a sip of soju but that was it and kept offering more to drink but said he did not want any. I was feeling really slammed and he mentioned that I shouldn’t drive and should stay the night at his. He told me to sleep in his bed and the next thing I knew I’m being kissed and we were making out. I don’t really like giving it a positive but it was alright and I wasn’t actively feeling super weird at that moment. However, the rest was different. I don’t remember how it happened or why I was doing it but I was going down orally on him and he was thrusting hard and using his hands to push me. I felt really sick to my stomach and the only thought I could have was that I was too drunk to leave. I had been able to get out of most crazy situations in my life and this one I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I felt this weird trapped feeling like I had really fucked up and that no one could help me. It was this weird sense of defeat and that I was so disgusting that there was no point in fighting back. He finished and I rushed to the toilet to spit out as it felt really disgusting and I didn’t want that. At this point I really can’t remember much aside from feeling super nauseous, trying to go to bed, but more continued. I remember at one point having anal sex where I was on top and feeling like I was some sort of puppet and that I might as well just continue doing whatever was going on.

The next morning I woke up at 7 am and I felt really weird. I had gotten calls from my mom because she sensed something was not right (she’s from South America so go figure). I felt this weird sense while in his apartment that I needed to get out and rushed out the door while he tried to kiss me goodbye. Before going, he told me not to worry and that he was tested (it felt odd saying that after everything happened and before anything went down). In the car, I started to shake and started crying. I felt super numb and my family noticed something was wrong as soon as they saw my face when I came home. I told them everything immediately and they asked me if I wanted to talk to the police. I then told my girlfriend but I didn’t explain it tactly. I blurted out everything that happened rapidly and she took it hard. I cut contact with that friend.

A week later I started to get very sick and had a consistent cough and became super fatigued. I could barely sleep and I would get shakes when I went to bed. I also started taking scalding hot showers for an hour or more to get that smell off me and to try and feel clean. I then got sick for three months before being diagnosed with mono. Not long after, my lung collapsed and I was in the hospital for a week. The symptoms I had gave me an HIV scare and the doctors tested me for a variety of STD’s to be on the safe side. I eventually got the HIV test and tested negative after going through what felt like the most intense minute of all time while waiting for the rapid test to clear.

Going back to class, I could barely walk up the steps and I felt like an 80-year-old man. Additionally, the friend kept trying to wrangle me from other people and get a word in; but he wouldn’t try if I was near people. He knew I would not talk to him and knew I was upset. Eventually in class one day; a random classmate gives me a sealed envelope. I open it up and it's from the friend. He apologizes for everything that happened and pleads with me to talk/forgive him. He also says he’s not angry at me and to not worry that people will find out and that he has kept it a secret. I immediately threw it in the trash after reading it as I didn’t want to bring it home or have anything of his near me. I felt angry that he could not respect my privacy and the whole “I’ll keep it a secret” thing felt like leverage.

Later, my ex and I were talking to her roommate who used to be friends with the friend before he stole money that was supposed to be used for a group trip and used it to go partying in Ibiza. He apparently had a history of getting guys drunk or sleeping with drunk guys. My friend was explaining that while she enjoyed him as a friend, he got to be too much and she didn’t like what he was doing. I didn’t really tell her in detail what happened to me but I think she pieced it together

End of story.  

There is more that happens and my lung collapsing again, but that’s a whole different post. Currently, we’re about to graduate and I wrote my personal statement on overcoming the anxiety of RSVPing for the ceremony knowing he’ll be there along with the journey of getting back on my feet academically. While the incident happened off campus; I still will likely have to explain everything in detail and to be honest I’m concerned about whether it counted as sexual assault or not. Thank you for reading through this post and I’d appreciate your perspective/advice on what happened or general thoughts.