Hi, I'm just wondering if there are any other survivors that experience this feeling of "dirtiness" after being raped. It just feels like my body is ruined forever and I'm full of hand marks. Or that I'll never be loved because of what happened and how I'll be viewed. Along with feeling uncomfortable with 'down there' and everything feeling like an open wound.

Does anyone feel like this, and does it ever go away? Has anyone gotten into a relationship after what happened? Will I be viewed differently by my next partner when he learns what happened to me? Am I truly ruined?

I'd just really like some reassurance and advice please. Thank you to whoever reads this.

Im not sure if it's the right term. But I (24)was rped by my ex for 3 years. Yes it is a long time and yes I didn't leave. I was just 17 at the time and I was so scared to be alone thinking nobody will accept me now. I had the courage to leave almost 5 years now and found a partner who accepts me but the thing is I crave sx like multiple times a day which bothers and burdens me because I'm only 24. I need help but I don't know where to go.

I need advice I need like im going insane i filed a report got the kit done they said there was swelling etc i decide to not press charges and dont talk to the peraon and start talking to them again yesterday why god its behind me i feel so guilty and gross for it because he doesnt even realize apparently he raped me and my advocate said thats something that can happen. Why did i feel so guilty? I wanted to tell him how much ive struggled this week how much ive crjed but i coudnt instead it was me asking how his day was just benign things when he honestly has been treating me horribly for months i found a screenshot about where he talks about how i sounded angry during anal and to stop and then he said you said it was fine but sounded angry like yes dude i kept telling you no and gave up anyways i moved passed it and then what happened Monday happened and it froze me truly like i felt so paralyzed and guilty from him manipulating me into it and now im stuck in a diaper bleeding because i had sex too soon after endometriosis surgery. I got a text tonight that he found bumps on yk and i take suppression meds but at the same time i didnt wajt it but like he doesnt know it? but my advocate says it doesnt matter and that i have a right to feel how i feel i have a rape kit anymously done i have blankets at the police station with his dna but somehow i feel like a monster for potentially giving him something? But at the same time him and i have hooked up off and on so its so hard to process this like i just feel so violated but he doesnt even know. And then the factor of giving someone something that hurt me worries me is beyond stupid i just dont know i know im not a monster but right now all i know is i feel like one

Am I a bad person for still loving and hanging with my biological brother who raped me when I was younger ? I don’t know for sure but he could’ve raped my foster sister too, she got kicked out of home when she was 18 and was using drugs and they were together (foster care and he didn’t grow up with them so they’re not related or have a sibling relationship) and had sex and there couldve been some sort of power play involved considering she just started using drugs and was staying at our (my brother) biological mums house at the time.

Not in precise order: From sadness and disbelief to seeking resolution and understanding to startled and cyberstalked to no contact and trying to shut it out to severe PTSD to defending him to feeling completely betrayed to trauma therapy to dissociation to seeing him as just a predator to lawyer to investigation to case outline to being unable to unlove him to committing to myself to take this as far as I can to prove a point to him that this was not okay to hyperventilating panic attack over the thought of never seeing him again to missing him to death to wanting to completely start over. This is just a fraction of it. I have been unrecognizable for months.

So, I have an ex who I dumped two years ago because he was cheating on me. However we had a friend group and I would hang out with them here and there for certain events. I thought we were on civil terms and I kept him arms length anyways. One night in October, I was beginning to make it known that I’m seeing someone else now and it turns out he knows the guy I’m seeing. I know it def hurt his ego of course but this guy and I just naturally clicked. Also, why should my ex care? He was the one who cheated. Anyways, at a concert my ex was trying to grab my attention like never before by trying to touch my hair and I said to please stop. He even tried grabbing my breasts… Then he got upset and said I ruin everything and all that gaslighting shit, so I just walked away. He then proceeded to follow me and say that he’s seeing someone too now anyways and is just trying to have “friendly fun”. And yelled at him to leave me alone and he grabbed my waist and arms and went to, touch me and grope me, and I froze for one second because wow, someone I ONCE TRUSTED WITH BODY, did this to me. So I pushed him off and I went to the bathroom and hid there until a friend got me.

This one event took for things to just escalate and be so bad and people actually took sides. And honestly I’m a survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse/neglect. I have PTSD and bipolar. My PTSD got triggered and I thought I was fine until this month. I relapsed and cut myself which I haven’t in years, I don’t wanna be sober and I tried but it’s not working out, I don’t have insurance yet so I can’t even see a therapist. I dont know what to do. The guy I’m dating is super supportive and caring. And I have only very few friends who care for me too. But why do I feel so sad? So nervous? I’m so stuck. I haven’t been able to do anything this month. (I also got the flu earlier this month but still lol)

I thought maybe I can just go here and get some kind words or something. Idk anymore. I’m just sad that this is haunting me, because now my childhood memories are also back. It’s all a domino effect. And I wish my ex can vanish from this world. He knew what I’ve been through and he did so much damage. I just don’t know how to deal with this weight. I’m stuck. Simple tasks has never taken me a whole month to do.

Pretty much what the title suggests. I was raped a little under two weeks ago and, while I filed the report within hours of it happening, I’m worried that the charges won’t stick. The situation roughly was that I got drunk, texted him to see if he wanted to come over, we messed around consensually for a while, and when I withdrew consent he ignored me. I tried to push him off but he’s stronger than me and he just said “just a second, I’m almost there.” I cried in the bathroom for a while, told him about my previous trauma with sexual assault, and then he pretended to put on a condom, I told him I really wasn’t feeling it, but then he raped me and came inside me. I demanded he leave and then called my friend to make sure that it was actually rape. I called the cops and did everything that they tell you to do.

Since I filed the charges, I’ve had the cops and various other government agencies reach out to get more information moving forward. As they’re gathering more information, I’m honestly starting to doubt that there will be evidence past the fact that we had sex. I filed for a restraining order but it looks like I don’t have grounds for one on account of me blocking him on everything after it happened. Because I blocked him, he can’t reach out and harass me, but he knows where I live. I’m terrified that he’ll get into my apartment building and do it again. It’s becoming a real “he said she said” thing and I’m worried that I’ll just have to re-traumatize myself for nothing.

Most of my recovery has been driven by the idea that he would face some sort of repercussions for what he did. As time goes on, I’m worried that they won’t even have enough evidence to even bring me a small amount of justice. I’m scared that he’ll try to contact me again when the cops go to get a DNA sample. I’m scared and I don’t want to be scared. How am I supposed to live my life with the possibility that he could contact me? How am I supposed to live my life with the probability that he won’t face repercussions for his actions?

Hey all - I have a question that is kind of hard to talk about, even anonymously. When I get triggered (by a song, movie, comment, therapy session, reminder, whatever) I start feeling everything in my body again. I just want those feelings to go away. For some reason sex feels like the only way to make the horrible feelings go away. I don’t go sleep w anyone but I do masturbate even though I don’t want to, to make it stop - then I feel ashamed and disgusted afterwards. I guess in a way I’m violating myself the same way others have when I do that, but that makes it go away. My therapist said hypersexuality can be a coping mechanism for some people to try to reclaim a sense of control…but that’s not what this is at all. I just want the feelings in my body go away. Does this happen to anyone else? I don’t understand why this is happening and I don’t know what to do.

is what they told me when i said i felt like my boundaries were crossed. i had told them early on that i did not want to lose my virginity in a hookup but i also felt like a loser for being a virgin at 23. and at first they told me that it was okay then pressured me into having sex.

this is the thing that keeps bothering me tho; that they said this. they had to have known that this would hurt me deeply right? bc i told them id been sa'd before and thats why i was scared of sex. i feel like they said this to punish me for saying i felt like i was being coerced and pushing them off me when they kept putting the tip in etc.. i think they wanted me to not say anything. i still liked them and wanted to still talk to them too, so i think they said this to make sure i knew that they dont like me and just wanted to hurt me

ive kinda thought about having sex since then.. it happened in september, and my thoughts have been all over the place, on the one hand i dont wanna just sleep with people bc i dont wanna lose my "virginity" to someone random. but at the same time i dont feel like a virgin anymore. idc abt virginity/purity per say, but i want my "first time" to be special but its already too late. and ive been like hyper sexual ever since and looking at things/people differently ever since. its like i wanna fuck everything that moves but at the same time i wanna never leave my room because the one time i stepped out of my comfort zone i got hurt so bad i should never do that again

so sorry if this isn't the place for asking this, but i feel pretty lost and not quite sure if i'm a victim or just suck at talking to people/setting boundaries :(

so around four months ago i was talking to this person for a few days and i felt we were getting along great, until they kinda pressured me into hanging out irl (i tried telling them no beforehand, but ended up saying sure). my memory is a lil hazy but i'm pretty sure i told them i didn't think i felt like hooking up, but i was cool with maybe a little cuddling in their car or something; during that they tried touching me and i tried to avoid it by saying like "oh uhh i'm spotting", and when they didn't mind that i said that i was feeling a bit too dysphoric for it (i am a trans male)

anyway one thing led to another and i ended up going down on them and it progressed to us having sex, which was fine i suppose, until i was bent over in the back of their car where two things happened: 1. they kind of strangled me a bit from the awkward position i think (they said it was an accident which i believe, and stopped when i pulled their arm off) and 2. they initiated anal without asking

i guess this part is what's troubling me the most, because it all happened so fast i'm not sure if it was legitimately consensual; we were having normal piv when out of nowhere they put some lube on my ass, then around 10 seconds later they were pushing themself inside me, and all i can remember was kinda freezing and thinking was "oh well maybe they're just poking around a bit", then when i felt their tip and fully realized what they were doing it was "maybe this won't be so bad/i can tough it out"

needless to say it was absolutely horrible and i could not tough it out; i remember making a noise indicating pain + squirming a bit, and they responded with going "i know, i know", and they kept pushing until their tip was in i think? and that's when they asked if i was okay, and i said something like "actually this hurts really bad, i'm tapping out"; they did stop pretty much immediately, but they seemed super disappointed afterwards. i asked if they had fun and they kinda pouted a bit, said something like "yeah, but i wish i got to fuck your ass some more", and then a few minutes later they dumped me off at my house where i went to my room and just started bawling :/

after a day or two of casual convo i tried coming clean and telling them i wasn't cool with the sudden no prep anal, and they said something like "well you can't really say no prep, i used a lot of lube", and "you didn't say no as it was happening until it happened, you need better communication during intimacy, obviously i don't want to hurt you", which i guess is kinda true? i dunno.

the only reason i can think they thought it was okay to do that was because i jokingly said at some point beforehand like "if i do anal with you will you play (insert my favorite game) with me? 🥺", but obviously i didn't think that would prompt them to do it out of nowhere without asking... i guess another thing that felt wrong was even after the incident and i told them how much i disliked it, they were like "i still won't play that game unless you give anal another shot", completely serious about it; they also called me a wuss when i made a joke about my ass still hurting, and during this whole ordeal they never apologized, closest i got was "my bad for having a big dick" when i told them it was probably the worst pain i've felt during sex so far :/

any time i talk about this my brain feels a bit fuzzy so sorry if this seems confusing or rambly, i'm just trying to remember and mention everything that seemed concerning/weird, but does this sound like assault to you guys or was this just miscommunication with someone who's a bit of an asshole? any advice or help is appreciated <3

(also feel like i should mention i cut off all contact with this person, so you guys don't potentially worry about that)

(edited to fix some grammar)

And the judge found that the appropriate punishment was simply that it would be on his criminal history. I’m really struggling to feel the relief and vindication that I think I expected to feel. I feel quite numb and disappointed that I feel no change in my healing process. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you make meaning or progress after this?

I am struggling a lot to deal with this trauma because it is so complex, so, my family decided it would be best for me to stay in Sri Lanka for 2 months to put me in a different environment.

But I had only just started feeling comfortable being in England and now I feel worthless and judged again. And while I have my aunt and cousin (whom I’m staying with), I feel quite lonely because if I’m honest, they don’t know me as well as my immediate family. I don’t know if they will get annoyed or disappointed if I keep having breakdowns and keep needing to stay inside.

I’m trying really hard to consider this as a holiday but I feel like I have no control. I kind of miss England, where I felt like I had a bit of stability and familiarity.

Everyone there has said they’re jealous that I have had the opportunity to go to such a beautiful country but I can’t help but to feel judged by everyone.

So I have only just really understood what happened quite recently. Or remembered? Or something... either way it is now totally clear to me exactly what this guy did to me. It's about 25 years ago so the police didn't want to 'write it down' or anything. Now I know the guy as we went to school together. He is a bit famous. I am angry. I sort of want to post online who he is and what he has done... yes for revenge. And for calling him out on being a creep!

I really don't think it matters if he ever did it again or not. What he did was bad enough. There should' the an 'expiry date' on that! There sure isn't for me.

But as I am brand new to even knowing this... I guess I would like to hear a bit of advice. It's maybe a really bad idea? Perhaps he really did stop and I should just let it be?

I find myself looking him up online every morning because I can't let it go. But then I delete whatever thing I wanted to post to his bands social site again. I keep doing it over and over. It's driving me a bit nuts.

Please help me figure out what I should be doing to deal with this:)? Part of me still feels like it would be a bad and vindictive thing to do.... but you know. When else are you supposed to be!?

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear what you think/feel about this. Are you angry? What did you do about it?

PS This is not a post trying to get people to take revenge or anything harmful like that at all.

This is more like a cry for help so I can stop myself from doing things like that;) I don't know what to do with this feeling....

(Like, I want to find him and punch him in the face, but I'm not going to....ok maybe if he was right there incidentally, but you know what I mean. Is there a healthy way is what I am asking?).

Its been around 7 months. I feel like i have been doing pretty well. Handling it a lot better than i imagined. Im Christian and Ive been praying and reading the Bible frequently which I think has been the biggest help, just strengthening my relationship with God. Unfortunately, i have had countless terrible relapses where i would break down and cry non stop for days. My heart rate would spike, my anxiety is extreme, Id get nauseous and throw up thinking abt him. I just feel so miserable for days whenever this happens and I dont know what to do. When it hits i can physically and emotionally feel all the fear and pain i went through. And just the constant thought of feeling so used. Idk what do you guys do when the ptsd hits? How do you cope through it?

As the title reads, I'm looking for advice on how to have "the talk" with my 26 year old brother.

He's ignorant to what has happened to me, and as ignorant people do, he makes ignorant comments poking fun at me being a loser. I'm quite anxious, so I've had very few friends growing up, even worse I've never had girlfriends, so I'm the butt of jokes. I've tried explaining my problem to him without outright saying I've been SA'ed, but never could. It's like walking a minefield - sooner or later you're going to step on a mine, and the one I usually step on is the "And why do you feel this way?" question. And that point I terminate the discussion by saying I can't talk about it for now.

I'm looking for ways to not overdramatize it. It's been 17 years since it happened, so it's not like the wound is still open and I need a shoulder to cry on. I'd be nice to be heard by someone close to me.

like the title says im meeting with the district attorney tomorrow. im not sure how its going to go and im really nervous. the detective working my case will also be there. it feels like another step in seeing my rapist again. it almost makes me want to pull the charges so i dont have to see him.

I just read this victim statement and wanted to share it with the community, in case it can help anyone to feel some comfort in the midst of the suffering. Peace be with you all.

https://www.news24.com/you/archive/to-the-man-who-raped-me-victim-reads-powerful-letter-to-her-attacker-in-court-after-hes-sentenced-to-only-six-months-in-jail-20170728

I'm very sorry if this is the wrong place, I don't really know what to look for.

I've been ruminating on this for what feels like months but I don't know when I started to realise. I may have been assaulted and groomed but I can't get myself to fully admit that and I can't get myself to get help about it.

I won't go into any detail about anything that happened because I don't want to, I don't think I'm allowed to, and in case anyone is able to identify me with this information. When I was around 10 a girl in my class (same age) semi-forced me into sexual acts. When I was in my early through mid teens I was in sexual contact with several older men online which went on for a few months or years I can't remember.

I just need some advice or help or something, I can't keep this bottled up anymore, I'm sorry

Im laying in bed scrolling threw my phones gallery when i came across a pic of my ex who sexually abused me ( i made a post on here on the start of the month that goes into more detail about what my ex has done here if you want more context )

I felt like i have been gotten better since i broke up with him almost a full year ago and was able to stop suppressing my memory's and admit to myself a few months ago that my ex SA me many times. I thought i was improving, but that picture set me off, i thought i got rid of them all but nope, Now im feel sick to my stomach and i keep having breif flash backs as i relive the memorys, us fucking after he gas lit me into saying yes so many times, his face that awlawys seemed so fucking happy while i was there just hopping he would hurry up so this could end... I feel sick... I hate his face... idk what to do rn, I just need some advice on how to calm down rn or when ever i break down like an idiot again in the future or something please...

i had sex with my partner. it was consensual. only at the end, when he was about to finish, he put my legs up and it hurt. i said "no please", but he kept on going and finished. i felt super disgusted afterwards and since that happened ive had some sort of hatred and hesitation towards intimacy with him.
i feel stupid for even asking if this is considered rape. the relationship has gone to absolute shit and its probably over soon. i am so upset i am calling him a rapist. i hate myself for it. my brain is gaslighting me into thinking im making it all up and making it worse out to be just to have something against him.
but after that happened, i had this in my head for so long and i could tell how annoyed i would get when he would try to be intimate with me.
and then there was a weird situation where, in my sleep i yelled at him "GO AWAY" when he touched me or something, and i never yelled at him before at that point. and i didnt even know about this until he told me in the morning.

im sorry for wasting the time of whoever is reading this. i need to vent somewhere

in my past I've been raped by a previous relationship, it's been years and I'm doing well for myself, however, I keep having recurring nightmares of someone in my close family doing these things (they have never of my knowledge done anything like that before) in different ways and I feel scared of them, is this connected to what I've been through? why is it him? I genuinely feel so gross about it

I have always been an introvert, while enjoying some social time with some people.

Since I was raped, I have been talking a lot with people about how I’m feeling but now, I’m sick of doing so and sick of hearing what they have to say. I just want a few days completely to myself in order to completely process what happened and find myself again.

I feel guilty if I do so, though. It’s exhausting even writing this post, I simply have had enough. I’ve had enough. I’m so miserable and I have completely had enough of the world.

Hi, I'm looking for some sort of advice or maybe just empathy or someone to relate, I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm looking for with this post but I just kind of need to type this out? Thank you if you're reading this.

When I was 14 I was groomed by someone who was "only" 19, who I trusted deeply and who I believed was just my only friend. Now I feel dumb, looking back at it I feel so stupid because I didn't see what was really going on. But the worst part of all to me is that my parents were fully aware that I had a "friendship" with a 19 year old. In fact, I ran away from home once (it was suggested by him and he pushed me to do it) to his place, which is how they found out about him. I was brainwashed enough by this man to beg my parents to be friends with him. And somehow, they let me. I know it was ME who insisted on being friends with this guy, but ONLY because he kept pushing me and because I felt alone in the world. He made me feel isolated from people my actual age. But I cannot fathom, now that I'm a little older, how my parents didn't oppose this "friendship". How did they think it was okay? How did they think that a 19 year old guy should be friends with their 14 year old daughter? I feel betrayed and hurt and every day it hurts more just thinking about that. That betrayal by my parents hurts more than any act this guy did to me. Sure they didn't know what exactly was going on or what he did to me, they thought we were just friends. But they knew we met online. They knew this guy lived over an hour away by car. Did they really think he drove that far to see me just to play video games? Hell they let him INTO MY ROOM when they were home. They didn't check. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do or think about my parents anymore. I moved countries and I haven't talked to them in over half a year. I didn't tell them why. I just stopped responding. I just couldn't. Every day I feel guilty for not talking to my parents anymore but ever since I realized what THEY let happen, after blaming myself for years.. I just can't face them anymore. Please, does anyone relate? Has something similar happened to anyone? I can't understand how my parents let this happen.they didn't know about the SA and rape but what did they think when this 19 year old wanted to be friends with me?? What did they think when I ran away to his home? I just feel so broken

I’m not sure if this is the right sub, but a few days ago I had a friend tell me she sexually assaulted her brother when he was 5 and she was 8. It’s 10 years later. I can’t process this, and I can’t live with myself knowing this. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep, eat, and I can’t even bake right now without that thought always lingering in my head. I’m so lost, and concerned. Genuinely what do I do?

I'm not a victim of any irl sexual abuse (however i have been groomed online so I understand to some extent)

But my partner is a survivor of long term CSA since a very young age. I just want to ask anyone who's gone through similar, what could I do to help my partner recover? If you were in a relationship as a victim, what kind of support would help you most? I want to have a better idea of how I can help, and how I can help my partner heal from this.

I already have educated myself for years on SA and the affects it has on people, I do my best to understand even during the worst moments of my partner relapsing. I'm always there to listen and understand what they're going through.

But the thing is, I just never really know what I should say or do. Even if I understand what theyre feeling and saying, Nothing I say is helpful or meaningful in that moment. A lot of times its such a deep trauma that any support I have to offer ends up bouncing off them and not meaning much in the moment. Which is why I'd like to ask for advice on what I can do to be more helpful.

I just would like to know, what type of things help you feel heard or loved, even in your worst moments? When most emotional support bounces right back off you and doesn't make you feel any better, what do you do?

Most of the basic support, reassurance, or affection doesn't really help and I know its so much more complex than that. I just want to know what I can do or say in those moments that would actually help

Only recently told my therapist I was drugged and raped at 14 young male

It's been so long since everything happened but I still don't feel like me. I feel like my assault wasn't as bad as some people's because it was my bf at the time and I covered for him for years. It wasn't violent so I feel like it wasn't as bad. And I think this is what makes me feel a lot worse about everything. I had 1 really bad situation in which I said no multiple times and he still did it. But I feel like that's the only time I was justified for saying it was rape. But also we were drunk that time so I feel like that's also something that makes him less responsible. It just sucks.

One time he held me in place while I kept telling him that it hurt. And i felt like I couldn't use our safe word because every time I stopped sex he would re-initiate shortly after, or pout around and complain that I gave him "blue balls" because I couldn't finish him. And i still feel like I'm making myself a victim, vs actually being one.

But I still can't have sex like I used to. Everything feels a lot harder and a lot of the time I still cry after. My current bf is so understanding and doesn't force me into anything and will stop if anything even SEEMS wrong. But it sucks because I can't give him what he wants most of the time because of how fucked up I feel. I used to love sex, and i thought it was so fun but now it's just a task that I do from time to time.

So despite me feeling like I'm not enough of a victim; I also feel like my life has been changed so much because of how he treated me and I feel like maybe I'm just being dramatic?? But I literally full sob sometimes after sex or even solo time, so am I really? I just don't know.

So when I (25f) was 14 and a virgin my friends set me up to have sex with a 20 yo, like they brought me to a house party for him (I didn’t know this was the plan). he took me to a room and tried to take my pants off and I said no over and over and then just gave up.

My question are is it weird I pretended like I was into when I gave up trying to stop him and 2 could being raped made me only want to have hook ups and not sleep with my bfs I had in high school. Like I was fine with a hook up but scared to have sex with a boyfriend.

I had a guy over to hangout. Things were going and we started making out. He took off his pants, I can’t remember if I took off mine or if he did but I know I did not intent to have sex. He just put on a condom and started. He didn’t ask if he could, but I was scared so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t verbally consent but I stayed silent. He spat on me, slapped my ass and choked me. With enough force that marks were left. In my head, slapping and choking may be fine, but a conversation should be had. In my case, this was the first time I had met the individual. Afterwards I was upset, shaking, crying. I felt dirty, and guilty for not speaking up. I feel like it’s my fault for not saying anything. Was this rape or was it my responsibility to have spoken up.