today starts february. lets see how it goes.

This week has been weird. Quiet but busy. Ran out of things to do at work, brought my project and made headway on the lace I'm making. Spent 2 hours playing minecraft on my phone.

At Thanksgiving there was a huge scandal that dropped out of some of the youtubers I watched, and it all came back up again this week. It took a serious amount of willpower to not send a message about it. I text my brother in law instead, he's not as into it as me, but he is aware. It was a good conversation. I'm glad I didn't open that door. It was a healthy choice. I'm finding a lot of peace as the time passes. Which is what I need.

I find myself again being reminded about the support and team I have in my husband. Even feeling like death warmed over, this morning he helped me get a grumpy toddler out the door, made me coffee and made sure my car was remote started on time. Things he wouldn't have done 6 months ago. Things I'm grateful for. Even tonight, I had 2 things I wanted to do: finish something in my game and work on my project, he made sure I had time to do both those and checked in to see if I was happy with what I was getting done.

I'm hoping it snows enough for our daughter to get outside. She would love to build a snowman. I'm just hoping it's light enough I can still go expire yarn stores tomorrow.

Still can't sleep, I think I'm going to read. Hopefully that will help me fall asleep.

I have been friendzoned HARD by a girl I am really into and I’m just here to rant and moan a little bit if that’s okay 🤣

So, I have been into this girl called Heather for a couple of years now. We met through work and I have always had a thing for her. She was in a relationship though and despite not being a fan of her boyfriend at all I never made a move towards her despite thinking she liked me as well!

Anyway, she eventually broke up with this guy and I made it pretty obvious to her that I liked her. She told me she liked me back but wanted to take things slow because she had to split up with her boyfriend who she was with for a while and I respected that 😌

A couple of months of talking and flirting she finally asks me to grab a couple of drinks together and this was going to be the first time I saw her in person for a couple of years. I was super nervous but obviously I agreed because I was crazy for her 😂

I’m a solid 7 or 8 but I’m honest and man enough to admit Heather was out of my league 😂 we went to this pretty fun bar and there was a mini event on. Sort of like a battle of the bands. Wasn’t my usual scene but I thought I’d give it a blast because of her!

The night was going good, really good actually. We shared a couple of laughs, had a few drinks together and even fancied a couple of times 😅it was going perfectly in my head until the latter stages of the night.

Me and Heather were waiting at the bar. We noticed one of the drummers from one of the bands who were playing who we both really enjoyed. We thought we’d both say hi to him whilst we were waiting. We introduced ourselves and told him his band was awesome. He shook our hands to thank us and Heather made a comment about the size of his hands. In just that moment I felt like she had some weird connection and they had chemistry from the get go it was awful.

Ended up speaking together at the bar whilst I got the drinks. Heather invited him to sit with us at a booth we had together. Which I wasn’t entirely thrilled about. I was on the end, Heather was in the middle and this drummer dude was on the other end. For around 30 minutes of conversation I barely said a word and I have never felt more of a third wheel in my life.

At one point, Heather got up because she needed to go to the toilet. Because the drummer guy was quite a big dude she sort of had to squeeze past him and as she did it was like she grinded against him a little back and gave him this look. From that moment I knew the date was over for me and I just sort of accepted things.

So, it was just me and the drummer dude he finally talks to me. Asks me if Heather was my girlfriend. Which I was a bit annoyed at that because why would you just ask that now? I told him no, she isn’t. He sort of smiled, finished off his drink and told me he was going to f**k her tonight. He left the booth and went back to the bar. I was left completely gobsmacked.

When Heather came back, instead of coming back to the booth she went over to the bar with him. They spoke privately for about 5 minutes and she comes back over to me and tells me she’s going to leave with Luke now. I didn’t even know his name so I was just done at this point 😂 I told her it’s okay just have a fun night and stay safe. She gave me a hug and thanked me for the night. Luke didn’t even bother to say bye or anything to me.

I thought about having another drink but I was just insanely deflated and left. Didn’t hear from Heather until 2am. Of course I was still awake. I couldn’t sleep and was just thinking about how badly the night went. I won’t get into much details here because quite frankly I told see the point. But I will confirm she did sleep with Luke 🙃

That’s the story. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Happy to answer any comments/questions.

Ugh. I hate life. We text most of the day. Not as we had been. I asked if you were trying to weigh y things out with him. You confirmed you were. I wanted to be devastated. However, if that's what you want who am I to argue. Guess I'll put my big boy pants and try to adult my way through this. We still text a lot. You had errands to run after work. I told you I'd time you and it was a fun cute exchange. You said you were going to go home, shower make dinner, and veg. I had run club. I stayed because my other friend needed my company. I had therapy today. I'm going to have to talk about what happened to me as a child. It's going to be the only way I can be a whole man. I need to be ok so I can be strong enough to carry you through your pain. I'll have to try and see. Can I wait. Will you ever really be with me or is it fantasy?

At last, week is ending with a major victory. I received news about one of important exams. Seeing the good result I feel relieved that all those learning turned out for good.

Around the evening I had another dnd session. We escaped "the guardian of the mountain". An angry one I might add because we destroyed his mountain 5 sessions ago (we basically nuked that place). Apart from that it was mostly the lore centered session. The best moment ? When I remembered fact from the half year ago and reminded everyone about it which lead us to discovery of secret placed by our dm in the game world. I don't want to spoil but it was something BIG. After that we just departed for another adventures but changed with new knowledge.

Let's be honest. The month of January was a huge fuck up, a disaster. Nothing went according to plan. When I started the year I made a game plan. a realistic one and quite simple indeed. No details because I know that I am not disciplined enough to follow a detailed plan and yet I still managed to not get anything done. I was supposed to keep training and lose weight yet I gained all the weight that I lost last year. A whole fucking year of work went to the trash in a month for GOD SAKE! I was supposed to focus on my studies and be one of the best students in class. To this day I havent managed to finish one lecture before school. I be looking like an idiot out there in groupe projects. Even the professor don't take me seriously anymore. Man I am a waste. I hate myself. I was supposed to do like a podcast or like a side hustle business for fun and for some cash and even that thing dies not even 2 days in the year. I spend my day at home eating junk food, watching porn and masturbating like the asshole I am. Sometimes I wish I would just die.

I know what my biggest problem is. I can't be left unsupervised. Like anytime no one is monitoring me real close and when I am not held accountable on a daily basis I can't do shit. I don't know if posting my diary online everyday is going to help or if I am going to stay consistant with it but I am going to try, This year I either improve and make it out of here better than ever or I wont out-survive it. Maybe this online diary thing would be my last record on earth. I don't know. We'll see.

Growing up people didn't stop seing potential in me, most people around me believed or made me believe I was special. That I was meant for something great... Look at me now. I haven't succeeded in anything I wanted. Not because of someone or something. All because of me. I am arrogant, egotistical and full of laziness. I want it easy in life. Well at least a part of me does. Another part just wanna pack and disappear in the woods for even without leaving any trace of its existence. I hate what I have become. I am one of those many wasted potentials. I was watching old photos of me and man I don't recognise myself anymore. I became a whole other person. If I do pull it of somehow, that would be an actual act of GOD. A miracle.

What’s wrong with me— I’m such a fuck up. I always make the wrong choices; like I’m incapable to do right by others.

Daija, I’m sorry for what I am and what I do. You don’t deserve my presence; I’m not worthy of you. Maybe my presence disturbs others as well.

I failed the life my Mom wanted for me— I failed her. I’m a disgrace of a son— a total failure. Mom I’m sorry— I wish I honored your morals better.

Sometimes I think of Christianity and see myself as the Anti-Christ, a facade of good— The Fallen Angel. I am who I am— a lost soul drifting from good. I accept the role of The Fallen Angel— my true self.

I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm going to be okay and I know this but right now, I'm not. I've been okay for so long but Jesus fucking Christ, tonight everything hit me like a ton of bricks. There was a lot I want to say, but there's no logical place to start.

For the sake of anonymity, there's not a lot I can say right now. I miss my friends, even they ones that are probably extremely glad they got rid of me. I wonder, sometimes, if they look back and wonder how the girl with the broken smile is doing. If she's managed to repair the cracks and make it shine. She hasn't. Is she's still Eeyore or sadness, gloomy and alone. She is.

The urge to get in my car at six am and drive home is strong. I've been up for too long. It's not safe or feasible.

There's no song for tonight. No quote or thought. Just pure defeat. I'm typing this out so that I can read this and reflect on this moment when the sun starts to shine again. Eventually the light will break through the clouds and I can breathe again. I just need to wait that out.

Man, it's been awhile since I felt this low. All I want is to lay down, curled up against a chest and be held. Maybe one day someone will deem me worthy of at least that. That's not too much to ask? Is it?

I lied.

If you came for a ballad, this isn’t one. Unless you consider my words poetry, then in that case, this is a ballad!!! Enjoy!!!!! (See? False advertising works sometimes!)

I track how many times I brush my teeth per month! I frequently fall into depressive episodes where I neglect taking care of myself, so introducing this has been helpful to me. I make it a point to brush my teeth a MINIMUM of [x] times per month.

Normally, I exceed my brushing goals and prance happily with my newfound success. Hell, I’d even throw a couple flossing sessions in there!! Real rad or you, past persimmon.

But this month is different. I am one away from reaching my brushing quota for the month, and it’s already January 31st. I’ve never had a month where I didn’t surpass my brushing goal, let alone not reach it.

I’ve been sitting here, desperately trying to get up and just put that damn toothbrush in my mouth, but alas, the persimmon is not the omnipotent deity you think they are! Perhaps the persimmon struggles with brushing their teeth more than they’d like to admit.

I had a friend who’d help me brush my teeth! We’d call, and they’d read me random stuff while I reluctantly got it done. It was really sweet of them to help me, even if all they did was read me a couple of posts from r/AITAH.

But, for extra drama and spice, we had a falling out. I’ve been unable to pick myself back up since then.

It’s a basic task; I should be able to do it. Everyone else in my family has never struggled with this, but I am held down by the force of one million Earths.

I used to feel so pathetic for struggling with stuff like this. I mean, who wouldn’t?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m never the one to turn down a self-pity party! But I’ve stopped applying morality to the things I struggle with. I am not a bad person for not being able to brush my teeth. I am just a person (or a persimmon, if you wish to respect the username).

I am indifferent to what I struggle with. Of course, I don’t like struggling, but what I struggle with in particular shouldn’t make me feel guilty. They just exist.

Hopefully, I will return with an update on how I brushed my teeth and the angels sung from the heavens to commemorate my victory! But if not, life goes on.

Does this make me sound gross? That’s up to you, my dear reader! My entire life is in your very paws. I entrust you with this task to pick a fate that’s well-fitting. Do not crumble underneath this pressure. Remain steady and strong because a stranger online asked you to.

‘Kay thanks, byeeeeeee!!! xoxoxoxo

while i started good but my progress deteriorated over time and i was once again where i started. Feb will start from tomorrow. I once again have made a study plan and other goals. Lets see if we could change something this time.

1. I just got approved for an EOP (extensive outpatient program), and I want to finish treatment
2. I want to get better at League of Legends
3. I want to finish Severence season 2 (and 3, when it comes out)
4. I want to finish my go-to cozy game A Little to the Left
5. I want to be able to squat 300 lbs (halfway there)
6. I want to see the full effects of my prozac
7. I want to grow out my hair to my butt
8. I want to be an academic weapon again

sorry if this is not the right sub, i needed to put this somewhere.

Maybe conversations aren’t my forte, but I have no idea how you’re supposed to talk about shared interests.

Let’s say you both like a show… Okay, then what? All I can say is, “I also liked that show!” and then it ends. Maybe I can share some things I like about the show, but that’s about it.

Maybe mutual theory-crafting over a shared piece of media is the way to go!! Except I’m not too much of a theorizer. And if the other person isn’t much of a theorist either, then we’re both stumped.

Okay, okay, scratch that. Books, movies, shows, and anything story-related don’t count for now! What about something you can do? Like golf!! I am not a golfer, but you don’t need to know that, dear Redditor. Pretend I’m the world-renowned persimmon golfer. You should be honoured to be around such a high-ranking golfer!

You can golf with someone, and it’ll be fun since you both share that mutual passion for golf! But can you talk about it? How do you talk about golfing? Besides boasting that you’re THE persimmon golfer, there isn’t much to talk about when it comes to that. Or maybe I’m looking at it wrong?

All my friendships are primarily online. I do not go out much, so all my socialization comes from this little brick I’m typing on. So how I engage with people is contingent on my words—not my actions. There isn’t much to do with others online besides talk and play an online video game.

When I am on the prowl for new friends, I frequently see people give a list of interests, but I never know how to engage with it. Even if we have the same interest. Every question I can ask about their interest has been asked a million times before and would make for a bland conversation anyway.

Not like conversations have to be anything. Conversations can be bland, and I’m content with that. But bland conversations are more fun when it’s with someone you care about, not with someone you just met.

I am not incapable of talking about things I love, and it’s a good conversation starter! I just don’t know how to continue it or make it flourish.

Once I crack the code on this, I will write a tutorial. A persimmon’s guide to talking about your interests… or something like that!

Defeat. In today's exam we were humiliated. I wast trying to insert as much knowledge and shrpen as much skill as it was possible but guess what. He gave us one task. One. Everything was gone and collapsed.

But let's keep everything chronogically. Today started slownly. It was like slowly approaching doom bht still. I spent like 3 hours to train on other hard task which made my mind melt completely so 1h before exam I just had a nap. After nap, I went (together with circa 100 people) to face the exam and either win or die. So "why did you died" You propably start asking. It was simple. Before everything phd ordered us to leave our phones turned off on windowsill. Then he checked them with kind of wave detector and summoned those who did not turn off their phones. When our electronics was disabled (not so sure how it would help if we could use it, but ok) he showed us the exam: one task. I started looking at it with the face like democrats in the US when they saw the last election results. Started doing it. Working on it. Unsure about everything I peeked the people in front of me: they are counting but even seeing their backs I saw their uncertainty. I looked to the left: my friend had a face like it was his first time having such an objective. Looked to the right. Other friend stertedceating his pen and last braincell with it. 10 minutes before end I just crossed my legs and streched myself across the chair. There was nothing I could do. Seeing my posture friend on my right became red from holding his laughter at the thought "this is the man I will be retaking the exam with". He knew. I knew. And phd knew too. After we ended he explained the error everyone made. He got us at the basics. Well, I will see him next week propably...

All day. We text all day. It doesn't matter what we are doing it's non stop. As the countdown gets closer to 0 my anxiety is rising. I wasn't having a great day but you managed to cheer me up without even knowing it. I had nothing but meetings and you had a packed schedule but the texts kept flowing. You were so hungry today and I was able to score a pair of tickets to NIN. I was hoping you'd ask who I was taking so that I could say you. You got off before me and had some running around to do. But you text the whole time and sent me to beautiful pictures of the sunset. You mentioned you were helping test and set-up the screen for the super bowl party. And that after you might stop by. You might stop by. Singular. I was a few beers in when you showed up and wrapped me in a hug from behind. Gave me a big squeeze. Your hand lingering and dragging across my chest. Then I turned around and he was there. You guys are trying to work it out. I was devastated but I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but good thoughts for both of you. Selfishly I'm crumbling inside. Apparently people are talking and trying to figure out who's doing who. So says our one bar friend but she's nuttier than me so who knows. She did say that he was staring at me a few times. I didn't notice because I drank myself under the table after that. How else can I make these feelings go away. I feel like I will never know peace in my life. Therapy starts tomorrow hopefully I can figure this out. She's coming soon and your leaving me. I know that our time together will fade as it should. You don't need the guy who wants to be with you compromising the relationship with the guy you want to be with. I just want you to hold me again.

hey c, why is it that I approach you every day? it's like I don't exist in your life anymore.. that I don't matter to you. When you have energy for the day you just focus your everything on something or other and when you're done you talk to me for few minutes and say you're going to bed. Even I have some priorities, even I try to manage everything here.. why is it that you don't put in effort like before?

you broke up saying you don't see our future anymore, you didn't even try to talk to me afterwards to atleast try to save our 3 years. I was the one to try to save it, I was the one to bury my self esteem and come to you. Even after this, you're seeming too distant nowadays. You said I'm your priority and you're going through a rough patch, I get it. But freakin reach out to me. Come to me to lighten whatever is going on with you. I'll listen to you, I'll be there for you. Just don't go away and distant and disappear like it's nothing. We're growing up, ik, but let's grow together, I do try to give you space and time but it seems like you're just going away and away and to be honest, you're the only person I talk to after my isolation from 2 years. It feels you hold so much power, and you know you do so you're testing it on me. I feel so alone. I cry when I see your face on vc because I feel this might be our last time and then there will be darkness. I am trying to build my own world apart from this relationship, finding myself good set of people around me, after this incident because this is the second time you've done this and I have got some issues with trusting now. I'm emotionally volatile nowadays. In my exam days, I kinda need you as my emotional support, I cannot afford to lose my shit now for atleast next 5 months.

let's be like old times, please. I hate this new feeling of heartbreak. I need to breathe normally for once. and if you wanna go still, I don't think you deserve my energy.. because you can't see how hard I'm trying. I'm saying so many affirmations to you everyday to make you feel you're amazing, you're okay. I love you like my own... I just can't love you more than this. I'll try to be more emotionally independent, because I love myself too.

k.

My singing instructor has turned out to be a surprising human being. She is much younger than I am for sure and we are nothing alike (and at first, I honestly thought she didn’t feel comfortable working with me). I sing from a stand with my music while she sits at the piano. Last week, she got up and stood beside me. She is way smaller than I am and was very into my personal space. She has a wonderful voice for sure. Today I felt her hand on my back, not obscenely offensive but surprising for sure. And we had these funny conversations that made me feel great; we were definitely on the same boat! It’s so nice to have this with someone else. I have a record of CSA, and having people too close to me feels intimidating, but now, well, I don’t know; it wasn’t as bad. I don’t want to think too much about it; I will see her every week, and I go there for my voice. But deep down, I am grateful that it gives me joy to go there and be there. And not be afraid of someone (trust someone). She gave me her email so I could send her some music I liked.

My first client appointment was at 8:30 am this morning. Getting to the city was quite a challenge with the snow, but I was even 15 minutes early, and I found a parking spot pretty much right in front of the building. They gave me a wack of cash money, which I detest, and the bank wouldn’t let me access their account for the whole amount! What sort of bank is that? It had to be done in increments; well, I have never heard that before. But we got it all done, and I was on the way home an hour later.

I stopped reading Rowell’s ‘Slow Dance.’ I wanted to love it, but halfway through, I had enough. The famous ‘saggy middle’ and endless complaints about divorces and who did what were a bit too much. I loved so many of her books and just finished ‘FanGirl.’. I’m way off in regards to her demographic but love her writing style. But Slow Dance just didn’t make the cut. Well, you can’t win them all...

(I wrote this post yesterday but forgot to post it. But as they say on YouTube channels, don't forget to comment, like and subscribe haha!)

What a weird world to be living in. I hate the unpredictability.

Made good progress today. I’ll have a lot of free time on the weekend to do leetcode. I’m getting to the point where I can completely remove my projects section and replace it with more experience. Updated my resume and linkedin. Asked my pm if I could work on a project by myself and it got approved. That puts me in a really good spot to become a lead in the future if other new people decide they also want to help.

Went out with gf and felt really empty after for some reason. Things seem too good to be real and I just forget to live in the present. If I had the ability to feel anger then I’d be angry at the fact that I am still unable to be happy after I’ve already got what I wanted for so long. I couldn’t do any work for a whole hour because of it. I feel like a vegetable. The more I think the more depressed I become so I just end up not thinking at all but by not thinking, I just become very uninteresting. After just sitting there at the library, I then started scrolling through linkedin and found some people whose profiles were worse than mine which made me feel a little bit better. Then I dmed a high school classmate who I haven’t talked to in nearly 3 years just to check up. Did some work after, then went back to my dorm and did more work which made me feel a lot better. Am I unable to think clearly and feel because I am stressed without realizing it?

The world has become much harder. Everything is working against the lower class. Life is exponentially easier the further up you climb. Its just a matter of perspective. Objectively, the world is much easier than it was 100 years ago. Much easier compared to how it was 1000 years ago. Would you rather solve coding problems to attain a lavish lifestyle or be forced to go to war and work in a factory with no opportunity for social mobility? Anyway, nothing is nearly as bad as I make it out to be. I’m grateful to be here. I am not entitled to anything. Just because I am already in a good position doesn’t mean I shouldn’t strive to improve it.

The left side of the chest feels a little too heavy. Things aren't going well these days. Everything seems to be falling apart and i doing nothing , just watching and despairing over it. I am not too much of a good person , i am selfish , insecure , possessive, anxious , clingy, attached , jealous and what not. But sometimes, i still hope that my relationship could prosper and go well without me getting angry over on her ow without her doing things that are right but pisses me off. I know i am at the fault here but i can't do much when it comes to emotions . I remember the time when i used to be a logical guy who wouldn't get persuaded by dumb shit but i am quite the opposite now. I don't see rational behind actions and act over impulses. If i have to recall how i become such a person, i'll have to trace back everything which happened. Just as the saying goes- Some stories make sense only going backwards and not forward.

Today went under the shadow of exam, which is going to be faced tommorow. Me and my roommate were learning together. We will also try prepare ourselves tommorow. Exam will take place pretty late so we have some time. After we exhausted ourselves we played some games to reset our mind and throw some braincells to thrash.

So after you sent me the greatest selfie I've ever received you went to bed. I stayed up. I couldn't sleep. I can't find joy in the things I do. I can't stop the voices in my head from reminding me I'm here because of all my own choices. Yes my trauma made me who I was. But my lack of courage or understanding never got the help I do desperately need. At midnight on the dot I sent her happy birthday. She responded 20 minutes later saying thank you. It's fun seeing all the people who said they loved you unconditionally and would never leave you having a great time while your cry yourself to sleep. No matter how late I stay up I always get up at 5 to hit the gym. The paradoxical nature in which I live is not lost on me. I hate this life, I drink in excess to dull or forgot the pain but just in case I make it though I want to look good. I waited until I knew you'd have to be on you way to work to reach out. Another good day of constantly texting. We were both busy but if we are both texting each other in our free time that means someone right? We both had late days. I asked if you got out on time. You did but now were going to dinner. I said to enjoy it and didn't hear from you for the rest of the night. I went to our bar regardless since it was trivia night. Had some fun with the group in the corner. I kept myself in line even though I wanted to forget it all. It's funny that my tab is always only $5! Got home silently cried myself to sleep. I don't know how long I can last.

My own philosophy was used against me today but I needed that to happen. As if I thought I couldn't get humbled enough, this place continues to humble me. I know what to do but yet I never apply it. I'm both an animal thats subject to its desires and a robot that has no desires. I am conscious of my decisions but my unconscious desires override it. I don't like talking to people and I rarely ever enjoy doing it but yet it is necessary if I want to achieve my goals. I cannot get better unless I become both inhuman and human. These are the only two flaws that I need to work on.

Having a linkedin is like showing off what rank you are in this world. I did an interview for a research position and got accepted a few minutes after. I got feedback and that feedback was very similar to what I got in my last interview. I'm just lucky the guy was nice. I need to get better at interviewing. I have an interview for a startup in 2 days and another one a week after. I hate how populated and competitive this world has become. As the population increases, you become more insignificant and less unique.

I had to think about the possibility of a breakup today. I do not know how likely it is to happen but I hate that it is a possibility. I hate the uncertainty of life. If it does happen, I'll lose the last shred of meaning I have left in this world. I'll probably cry myself to sleep for a week and then solipsism will be the only thing that I know. Maybe I'm just being overdramatic but how bad will life be if you lose all your reasons to live?

I used to think that thinking about life as a game meant that you didn't take it seriously. Just because something is a game doesn't mean you shouldn't take it seriously, people do that all the time. My world may be a game but it is my world regardless. My world is a competition for resources and I have to do whatever it takes to win.

Noawadays , i don't do anything - from journal to studies. back to square one again. I do think that i'll change things tomorrow but tomorrow becomes the same today. I am feeling kinda pale. I just want it to over as soon as possible. And i also want a good ending. So its sucks even more that i am not really putting efforts to get one.

Today I had another exam, tommorow I will have another exam, and the day after that another. I went today to the church for eucharistic adoration, to talk with Him. I needed that. Even if I will not succeed, I'm ready.

The road to the city was horrible, it started snowing and the temperature is dropping again, glad I was nicely bundled up. Some patches were snowed over by drift snow, am I glad I have a safe car!

I was early but after I got in and sat down in the waiting room, I noticed there were only men there. I wonder if they somehow controlled that? But it doesn’t matter.

My therapist was friendly, it was only an intro and I wanted to make sure we had a connection. She took it rather well. We talked about what brought me there. On the way over I was pretty sure that I could easily tell her about CPTSD, CSA and war trauma but at one point it was too hard to talk about this, even stuff that I endlessly talked over with my previous therapist. Where I thought I would be fine with it by now. Obviously not.

I feel like a traitor moving to a different therapist, as if I’m cheating and on the way back I had mixed emotions about what to do. On one hand, I obviously still have stuff to work through (I worked on it with my previous therapist and something shitty happened and I needed a break. I emailed but haven’t heard from her and expect not to hear period.), but on the other hand, I don’t feel like I want start from scratch and go through the whole ordeal again. I want to move on! But I have time. It won’t solve any issues short term, but they are also not bothering me as much as a year ago, so I’m going to let it get to a solution organically.

Tomorrow is a busy day, my first client at 8.30 am and singing in the afternoon. Funny how that is going well (singing).

... the good things happen because of my small ‘benevolent wishes’. They sound like the Hail Mary’s my aunt used to say.

But the good things that happened so far:

1. my desk light came in (I have a new desk now and it fit in the bottom part of a bookcase, and I am very happy with it)
2. the new 128 GB Sandisk arrived as well. So long, old jumpdrives!
3. I’m meeting my new therapist! I sent an email to my old therapist, hoping to reconnect, but so far she hasn’t responded, and I believe that she might not get back at all. Which would suck, but people come and people go. I hope this one 'sticks' (I do miss my previous T however).
4. I restarted my fasting regimen. Man, how fast a person can gain weight is unbelievable. I am fat. And I hate it. But today is day 2. I worked out in the morning and only indulged in the cinnamon roll my youngest child (X3) made yesterday evening. I am not sure why the cinnamon rolls have to be 5 inches high as, at my age, I can only open my mouth about 3. All the icing got stuck on my upper lip and into one nostril.

I called the CRA this morning to see how I can get access to one of the charities I volunteer for. It was fairly easy to set up, but I feel I am giving them more of my attention than the other charity that I volunteer for (charity 2). But charity 2 has more individuals than charity 1. Charity 1 has one goal, and all these people work towards it, while #2 clearly has such a wide demographic that I find it hard to determine what exactly they want.

I got a killer review on my homework, a scene that needed to move along a particular structure. I thought writing novels and scenes would be relaxing and comforting, sitting at a desk picking up Dutch chocolate sprinkles that fell from a sandwich on a little plate. But writing is fucking work! I hope this course is going to pay off and my name will be out there in the next 100 years and the most cloned and copied through AI (or something like that)

X2 installed Atlas on an older HP laptop yesterday. It’s supposed to override Windows 11 and it looks pretty good! Shame is that I have to work on a lot of browser apps; most of them cannot be downloaded through Atlas. But I still need to get more acquainted with it.

I spent some time trying to connect my payhip account with Porkbun but couldn’t get it done. Maybe I should just send them a request rather than trying out a thousand things myself (which I often do).

We text all day again. I am trying to be appropriate and give you space. I need space to because I realize I was love bombing you. We both need to figure our shit out and that may mean we are nothing more than friends. I signed back up for therapy. Today is her birthday and my phone and it's memories are being very brutal. You had a bad night. And I because I understand completely that when we are having bad days the last thing we need is someone asking what's wrong. If I new I'd correct it. Instead I was there to listen. Engaged you in conversation. Asked you what your top 5 favorite movies are. Very solid list. We are very similar in tastes. You sent a few random pics of your snacks and I caught that you were watching your favorite movie. Did I help facilitate that? I hope so. Then you sent a selfie. OMG. As usual you hide your face but this time. You had just got your snuggie out of the dryer. You pulled the hood down but I could still see the corner of your eye, the side of your mouth, your neck. And I remember being pressed against them for a night. I'm so conflicted. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I want peace but this world and my body say you can go fuck your peace. You don't get to be happy because all you do is break things. Until I can solve that I should probably be alone.

I need to be ready for exam tommorow and yet... I feel exhausted. I wanted to learn everything perfectly but my mind rejects anything. I'm just having enough. Only sweet things that remain, are my prayers to God and dreams when I close my eyes. Nothing is attacking me here. I need to catch a break. If only God wishes to, I will emerge from these hardships. If not then let it be. It's not like I can change everything. It's better to... forgive yourself. Whoever is reading this, hang in there!

Reviewing our texts to write this thing can be really hard sometimes. It's Sunday and I haven't seen you for 24 hours. We definitely talk all the time but it's not the same unless I can see your face. Get lost in your eyes, hear your laugh, get a hug. You text about football and we're heading over to our friends house for a bit before the bar. I was still rolling around on the floor after a nice long all day bender the day before. I was moving slow and doing laundry and you text you were at the bar. I jumped up, showered, packed a bag and ran out the door. I forget like 3 different things and got irritated that I had to go all the way back up to my apartment to retrieve them. You were there looking so beautiful as always. You saved me a seat but I didn't get a hug because you were eating a sandwich. Good as far as I can tell you don't eat a lot and you are so tiny. You made me finish the sammich and tots which I did so grateful. Is it weird we share food? We took our time drinking. It was 3 hours before game time. Then it started to fill up. I tried to make small talk and talk football with you. It was nice. Then he showed up. Because of the nature of the game and conversations I got up and moved around. You and he sat together and talked. I obviously want to give you space. Our other friend said I could come over to watch the late game at their house. We all kind of filter out. Get to her place and her hubby was showing me around and guess who showed up. You and him. I left I think around the end of the first quarter. I was pretty drunk. You text me to never do that again. I was kind of an ass and when I'm drinking I get super depressed. You miss took my comment about I hope it works out for you as being mean. I mean I can definitely see that. But not my intention. I want to to be happy and I can tell you want to be happy with him. We shared a brief but world changing encounter. At least for me. But as usual I get to make sure everyone is happy and watch while I suffer alone. You do say you are there for me just not in the capacity I want. I think it's time for a new tattoo.

Today was shit. Yesterday was shit. Every day is shit these days.

I feel like i dont have any friends. Like, there are people out there who would technically call me their friend, but i feel like i can't really confide in them. Or even be myself around them.

I spend every day bending myself over backwards to fit in with them, but no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work. As if there is something that everyone else gets that I'm just not getting.

I'm scared that I'm slowly starting to slip into a depression. I've been there before. I wouldn't like to experience that again. I'm losing the motivation to do things. Small things, like doing chores around the house or taking care of myself. But also large things, like doing my job. It all feels so pointless.

Pointless. If nobody around me cares about whether I'm doing okay, why should I care? Why should I make an effort to try and feel better, if there's no one I'm doing it for? And I know that doesn't really make any sense, bc I should live life for me, and not for anyone else, etc. But I just feel so alone.

11:31 PM:

Repeating myself is one thing, but knowing I’ve repeated myself and cringing afterward—that’s something else entirely. Still, accidents happen.

It’s New Year’s Eve, just 29 minutes until midnight, and I’m scared. Not of the year ahead, but of the heaviness I feel. I’m not strong—not physically, at least. I can’t even manage a single push-up. But my belief, my faith, feels strong enough to carry me. That counts for something, right?

There’s this pressure on New Year’s. The midnight kiss. The idea of starting a fresh year with someone. It’s hard if you’re single, harder if you’ve always been single, or feel invisible in a crowded room. That’s me: a solitary creature, an introvert tucked away in the corner, forever watching and never truly seen.

Loneliness. It feels like society’s cruelest joke, doesn’t it? A world built on connection, yet here I am, isolated. No family. No partner. No workplace friends. Nothing. It’s painful to try and fail to change your fate, to realize destiny might be as unchangeable as it feels. So I’ve learned to live with it—this quiet solitude that sometimes feels like a prison but is also strangely freeing.

This loneliness isn’t just personal; it’s systemic. Society cultivates it. Capitalism thrives on isolation, feeds us perfect, curated lives on social media, and convinces us we’re missing out so we’ll keep chasing what’s unattainable. Communities are gone. Connection is commodified. The “American Dream”? It’s a sham. The world isn’t ruled by us, the people. It’s run by elites who profit from our alienation.

It’s exhausting. Everything I believed in once—the potential for humanity, the spark of hope—dimmed this past year. 2024 felt like the year I died. My light went out, replaced by a painful realism that broke something inside me. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s part of understanding life.

Loneliness isn’t entirely bad. It’s just solitude without form, raw and shapeless. Like paint on a canvas, you can create something with it, even if it’s messy or abstract. I’ve found that naming my pain, and giving it shape, helps me control it. It doesn’t fix things, but it makes the weight easier to carry.

Now, as the clock ticks past midnight, I feel a shift in the air. It’s subtle, almost imperceptible, but it’s there. 2025 has arrived, yet the problems remain the same—just wearing different masks. Life gets harder before it gets easier. But it does soften eventually, in its strange, unpredictable way.

I’ll spend this New Year alone, as I always do. But that’s okay. Being alone isn’t a failure. It’s just another way of being. I’ll keep talking to myself, processing the chaos, and making sense of what I can.

Here’s to solitude, to facing the dark, and to creating something from it. Happy New Year.