I lost it all. I got cocky. Seeing win after win gambling I decided to up the stakes and lost all of it. $0. I was thinking there was no way I can lose again. And the desire overtook and consumed me as I predicted. I lost all of my betting money and now I lack funds to properly travel for work. I played with my money instead of the house's money and lost massively.

This will be my last post for a while due to my depression and it will take time to recover my money, but right now I am at a low point in my life and it will be hard to push forward.

I was in a weird mood all morning. My mind kept vacillating between ecstatic and extremely unwell. I was primarily happy because I managed to set a routine in place and that usually helps my mental state quite a bit.

I had a really nice conversation with my aunt and uncle while they were still sober. We spoke about the harassment that the scientology folks put me through a year or so ago. Auntie said that if they attempt to contact me again, I'm to go to the police. I will.

We walked out into the garden to check out the hybrid tulips my mom planted. I was asked whether tulips were still mu favourite flowers. I responded that they are my SECOND favourite, sunflowers being the first.

Later, when I walked into the kitchen, there were sunflowers there. How sweet.

I spent the rest of the day reading and studying. I played some Bokura with one of my partners and roleplayed with the other.

Now I'm getting ready for bed.

Been a while since I wrote about dino guy on here. To make a very long story very short, we tried to be friends for a few months, that didn't really work out as we both still had a lot of feelings for each other, then we tried dating again, both just hurt each other a lot, and now we broke up again.

This prick had the guts to tell me he loved me for the first time while in the process of breaking up with me. Of course I said it back.

I hate that I hurt him again. There's just a lot of anger in me. And anxiety. It made me do things that I never would have expected myself to do. Is this just who I am now? Did he drive me to do it? Or am I still in the process of healing from several things that have happened in the past year? God, I really hope it's that last one.

And no, he wasn't perfect. No, I didn't see myself with him forever. But he made my life so much brighter. He helped me carry a bit of that weight for a while.

On the plus side, I did reconnect with my family a lot lately. This is the first time, after having lived through approximately eight heartbreaks, that I cried to my mom about one of them.

well, I may have overdone it yesterday. but that’s okay I guess. I looked like that girl from those early 2000s anti-weed commercials - you know the one? she’s all deflated on the couch and shit. I napped for like 3 hours, woke up and ate some cookies and passed back out.
not gonna lie, kinda loved it.
but before I got to the napping part, my brain kinda spazzed on me. I need to make some serious overhauls to my life and I know that but I keep refusing to pull the trigger because I know that some of the things I need will make other people uncomfortable. I also don’t trust myself anymore than I trust anyone else - I don’t know if this is a mania where I’m making hasty, impulsive and irrational decisions.
I’m medded up and relatively speaking - I’m sober - so I know they’re not life threatening decisions anymore, but they aren’t good ones. maybe I’m just retarded, I guess that’s still an option.
I was thinking about tossing the rest of my social media, distancing myself from my coworkers, focusing solely on myself with no outside influence whatsoever. finding a brand new daily routine along with different hobbies. truthfully, I know it won’t be “easy” but I don’t know why it’s scary.
change is scary, sure, but what I’m doing now sucks so why would this change really freak me out like that? idk.
I don’t even say what I need to around my doctors because I’m afraid of coming off a certain way - I need to just pay more attention to me, the same way I ask everyone else to. no one can love me if I don’t love me - they don’t want to, and those that do want to, I don’t allow them to.

idk again, rambling. it’s what I do here.

I guess I have to figure out what the fuck I’m doing and just do it silently and know that even if no one else notices my changes, I am making them and that’s what counts.

I have become silent addicted to gambling, but I am determined to stop when the opt in period ends. I have made a considerable amount of cash than what I put in, but I worry that I will wake up and insanity will take me and I bet it all and then lose it all. I already bet it all before and won $300 out of the $600 that I put in for a total of $900. I am addicted but once the opt in period for the special ends I am determined to stop gambling until something until another very clear event where the odds are in my favor appear.

I have been working towards my life insurance career as well as health but more on life for now. I have been doing facebook ads and been studying videos and seeking advice on reddit. Recently I gained insight on to how to avoid bot accounts and I'm confident this will help me great.

Finally I worry for myself. My heart understands this feeling. It is like the moments before having sex with a woman. Per excitement and glee. I had this feeling before when I was going after hookers and smashing them. I knew it would be bad sex its typically always bad sex along with an STD, but the thrill of the hunt and the potential pleasure blinds my mind. Gambling has this feeling as well. This feeling is extremely strong, but I believe God expects to control this feeling someone and use it to my advantage. Lust, desire, gluttony. I embody all of these deadly sins, but I do not believe I'm expected to abstain from it. Just CONTROL it.

While the day started off quite pleasantly, my mental state was all over the place throughout it. I mean, am I surprised? No. I have BPD after all, the mood swings are very much in character.

Physically, I was quite unwell because of my medicine. At first, I was incredibly nauseous due to the iron supplements. Then, I had to pee almost every five minutes due to the diuretics.

Despite the hardship I faced throughout the day, the day was actually quite good. I was quite productive. I also got to do the treasure hunt in FFXIV with the members of my FC and my boyfriend.

As for my biggest problem as of right now (apart from my physical health), my family who are staying over and my parents remained sober til about 20.00. I believe that's when they started drinking. It is 22.33 now, and they're fighting quite a bit. I'm incredibly stressed BUT I only need to cope with this for the next six days. After that, things will go back to normal.

On the bright side, I won third prize (72k) in the cactpot (the FFXIV lottery). I have never won such a prize and I'm incredibly grateful for it.

The rest of the night, I will spend role-playing til I fall asleep. I'm truly looking forward to tomorrow because at least then I won't have to smell the stench of alcohol for a few hours. God. I wish I hadn't developed bpd/ptsd due to their drinking.. now I can't even smell the damned thing without flashbacks and severe distress.

I have to have to start looking at colleges but im already very anxious and that just exaggerates it so much.

I swear my aunty deserves a special place in hell. She purposely comes to our house, digs our fridge, steals our food and everything to piss us off. She stopped talking to me bec everything she says i have proper replies she can't stand so she's finding indirect ways. She abused me entire childhood and now everything is a trigger. Took me years of therapy for getting over this. It still did not put me to edge yet. I think im genuinely over it. I feel like she's putting herself down doing the things she does. My happiness is my priority and people like her can't change that. The ones who abuse kids and animals need serious help.

I woke up early today for cycling but it was raining. Heavy. Very unexpectedly. So i went back to sleep. Mom and i are planning to go to the city tomorrow for shopping or mostly to get out of this house. I woke up to my sister arguing. Gosh she's a whole different person around dad. It pissed me off so much. I wanna stay in earphones all day, i just can't stand this negativity. We went to a cafe in the evening and she was so nice and normal w me. She always is. She says all nasty things to dad i can't believe my ears.

About P, sigh. I kind of decided to give it time, till i get in college. We didn't talk much today, im wondering if he's losing interest and its not even worrying me. If he does he does. I don't have the strength to fix it. I shouldn't get in a relationship w this mentality no?

I have a lot to say but im unable to focus rn. Maybe some other day. Goodnight for now.

The party where I will have to see the predatory creep of an ex is tonight. One of my major PTSD symptoms is hypervigilance. I'm so afraid of him hurting the next person, and the next, and the next. I can't relax and let my guard down - I keep mentally preparing to try to protect myself and others from him. He has a long history of hurting women. He hurt me terribly. It seems just a matter of time before he hurts the next person, if he hasn't already. He is the "broken stair" of my friend group - people have bits and pieces of the knowledge of what he is (a toxic compulsive womanizer, a pathological liar, an emotional abuser), but they make excuses for him, accommodate him, enable him.

I am the only person in the group who sees him more fully for what he is - a charming fake. Underneath his sweet, kind, nice persona is someone cold and unable to form emotional attachments or care about other people. Other people aren't really human beings to him - they're more like walking TV sets. He will watch the shows and find them amusing, but he doesn't care about their feelings and well-being any more than you care about the feelings and well-being of your flat-screen TV. All he cares about is what use he can get from people, and he uses niceness and lies to manipulate others just like you would press the buttons on a remote. When he's tired of the program, he just switches it off, and then comes the absolute discard.

I connected the dots about him and saw underneath his mask because I have my own unusual set of traits. I am hypersensitive, hypervigilant, hyperobservant, hyperanalytical. Ironically, what makes me the most vulnerable and fragile person he could have picked to take advantage of, is also what made me his biggest mistake in terms of choosing a target. The thing is, I knew someone like him before, ten years ago - a predatory seducer who turned out to have no conscience and no capacity for empathy, and a long history of violence against women. I turned into that guy's nemesis too, speaking out to warn others, reporting him to the police, getting him subjected to an investigation by the school district where he worked as a teacher. He didn't get put in jail, where he belonged, but I did what was in my power, because I am a person of conscience and brave when it comes to standing up to abusers.

Because I'd known a predator like the ex before, and was hyperobservant and noticed everything, and was hyperanalytical so that I sorted all the observations out and connected up all the dots, I can recognize that the ex is the same type of person, albeit his abuse is a lot more subtle and he is much smarter about covering it up. I know what he is, and knowledge is power. I also have power because I can be articulate and calm and precise in telling the truth, and I have the strength to be braver than my fears and speak up if I see he is targeting someone.

Most likely nothing will happen at the party, and everything will be fine. But I am looking forward to when it's over and I can ease up on the hypervigilance again.

I enjoy the feeling of the rush I get from gambling, but I know I will stop when I have completely went through all the promotional/opt in bonuses I'm getting. Right now I'm on bet $100 a day on odds of -200 or greater and get $100 in promo bonuses that I abuse every single day. Right now I'm back to where I originally was at $1000, but would be +200 if Fanduel didn't scam me with their wordy opt in promotional offer.

Now I'm studying facebook ads and will be posting it soon and studying how it goes. I hope for high success.

Im forcefully writing this today. I wanted to from a while now but anyway. I did write few times in my notes but didn't copy paste it here. ANYWAY quick updates.

I finished the exam. Moved back home. Results are out, and its not in my favor. I need to find a back up plan but im procrastinating.

I stayed there for two weeks before moving back home. Remember the guy from the gym i wanted to talk? Apparently he had a crush on me and we're still dating and its going good. Turns out he had seen me in goa in 2022, he said it was an instant crush. He's vv green flags. Everything i wated in a guy (almost). But idk. Im not sure. I am not ready for a relationship. I can't marry him bec cultural differences so this will end in heartbreak either way and im def not ready for that. So why am i here? Alsooo its long distance. Idk where I'll be for college. He said he would visit but idkkk i don't wanna long distance when theres no future. And in some way i feel like he's not emotional completely there. And his horniness sometimes takes over. He's also really nice though, i don't have to beg for bare minimum, i say what im okay and not okay with and he understands and all that. He's also younger than me so i feel odd to be pampered by him bec he reminds me of my younger cousins and how i mother them lmaaaoooo. Overall the good surpass the bad exponentially but i still don't feel okay with it. Any other time by now i would be making a whole ass book about us but now i don't feel like doing anything and i don't do things if it doesn't come from within. I still don't trust him completely, i mean, its been less than 4 weeks out of which half was long distance so.

Im home. After a while. Idk what it is here but it feels so gloomy and sad all the time. I really don't like it in here. Even the smallest task takes up so much energy. Its sooo negative here im drained. I don't have money, i don't have a place to stay. I am very much considering going to a far place and volunteering in return of food and shelter. But i also wanna focus on my diet and exercise and i can cook here. But before that i need to sort out my college scene. And start the pickle business. I have been procrastinating so much. I don't feel like doing anything here. Im always drained. Absolutely no motivation. I forcefully went and got my cycle hoping to get in some exercise but thats not going v well either (can't say yet its been only 2 days) I'll hopefully go tomorrow. I miss having my space and privacy. I hate that i don't get to eat if i don't cook and buy my own groceries inspite of staying at home w my family. One thing i realized clearly after staying here is that we could have had a good life financially had dad prioritized his family over whatever he did. I could have got into college, we could have a house of our own and i could have everything i wished for. Its not that money was not enough, it was poor planning. Anyway it doesn't bother me anymore, rn im on my own, i have all the freedom in the world to do what i want. I really should start the business, its my last hope. I truly believe my gut and i have a strong feeling about this, i believe in myself. If this goes well i may not even have to get in college or maybe i can fund my fees? I am also considering moving abroad for the course. Its not my first priority but at least I'll be out of the rat race and have a decent life. Whatever it is i need to look into that. Plus its less than 10% of the fees here. But again, it comes w its own cons. Marriage, life after etc. I went to the beach today to clear my head and write down everything. Ended up eating bhel and talking to P the whole time. Im on my phone for an unhealthy amount of time. Its my escape mechanism. I didn't even write gratitude list today bec im genuinely not feeling it today. I like going out but people stare sooo much its makes me extremely uncomfortable and scared and that's stopping me from roaming around. I go out at night though, they can't see me with all the lights and mistake me for an uncle bec of my bike. My bike is going more slow now. Its 40 max. Sigh. I still wanna go goa in it. I asked dad the other day and he cut me off mid sentence, said absolutely no don't even think about it. Im now thinking about how to go without him knowing. Alright its almost 11 now. I have to sleep to wake up early for cycling. I have to fix my schedule. Its the best i can do for myself rn. Goodnight :)

After nearly losing $300 in a bet I started to treat people much nicer today. Losing so much money (to me) would had been a massive blow and winning only $200 wouldn't have been exactly worth it. Fanduel's lengthy wording tricked me. Al'las I learned to push forward when I have calculated and commit to the assault no matter the result. My heart yearns for victory, but I fear I shall meet defeat, yet I'm confident I will not.

It’s always a fight and I’m tired, just got a response from MSU and my application is incomplete I’m so fricking stupid. Now I have to go through more steps to get my transcripts which will probably be hard too.

Just so I may (but it’s very unlikely) be accepted to a school I can’t even afford. Because what are the chances that my application for a scholarship will be accepted and I’ll get into the school as well.

Why would someone grant me a scholarship, I’m dumb as fuck, I don’t have any skills and I’m a social dud. I feel like I’m playing along just so it appears to others that I’m doing something with my life. I also applied for a job away from home, probably won’t hear anything back from them.

It feels like I try so hard to do things that come naturally to other people. I don’t know why my head feels like this now. It sounds stupid to blame on anxiety but I can’t remember anything, I feel nervous and lost all the time and I don’t know why I feel like that. What am I doing?

High school was the worst experience of my entire life, I gave up on trying in school when I became depressed because of the social stuff but college with people who are totally different from me. I don’t have to worry about that, just worry about keeping up appearances. This is truly hell

what a switch up -
Monday I was motivated, Tuesday I was proud.
yesterday fucking sucked.
because I’m the world’s biggest fucking baby, yesterday is going to ruin today. I cannot shake this bad feeling.
I honestly don’t know what the problem is. is it me?? or is it my environment? I think it’s the environment but everyone around me seems to lean more towards me (though no one will say it directly to my face). I’m so tired of going back and forth, bouncing up and down. I feel so stable, so “on track” and ONE THING will derail me for days and then I have to ‘start over’ in a sense.
I got mad at work yesterday, shocking I know, but it was a different kind of mad. I didn’t run to my work bff and start bitching, I didn’t throw a fit and text everyone I knew about how awful my job was… I just shut down. I’m so tired of being taken advantage of, taken for granted because I’m “new” or because “there’s someone better” or whatever the case is. I’m tired of doing something that I don’t even wanna do just for money. I wanna be passionate and happy about what I’m doing or where I am. I spend too much time working to hate my own job.
idk. I have to stop bitching about it because it gets me nowhere but I just seriously have so many regrets in my life that I don’t even know how to live anymore.
I can’t “let go of the past” because the past is what led me here and I can’t get out of this situation. there’s no way financially or whatever. I HAVE to work, I’m okay with that - but I just wish I had put more effort into myself to get what I wanted, I feel like it’s too late now. I have to put my efforts elsewhere. but I’m a selfish asshole and can’t always focus on that.
idk - again, rambling.
when I woke up today, I didn’t think I’d be this pissed off. upset, sure. but not this angry. I’m so fucking tired of being me bro. so tired of it.

I went in to get my wisdom teeth yanked out--all four of them, finally. My dentist was warning me that the longer I keep them in there, as I age, it'll become more of a problem. Anyway, I got them yanked and now I'm recovering. Recovery hasn't been too bad, though I'm told the pain gets much worse around the fourth or fifth day, maybe even earlier than that. The surgeon gave me a bunch of drugs to settle in, but I don't know if I'll be using them all.

I was scared going into the operating room this morning. I know the procedure wasn't invasive or anything like that, but it was nerve-wracking nonetheless. As I was walking into the ops room, I saw a crash kit to my left, something that could be used in case, you know, medically speaking, I died and my heart stopped. The only time I had ever been under with anesthesia was when I was a little boy and a plastic and neurosurgeon had to operate on my skin and skull. That's a story for another time, though.

Well, I'm happy to say I didn't die, but it sure felt like it. I have no recollection of the procedure, not really. The last thing I remember is the surgeon patting me on the back, giving me "happy gas", and then injecting the I.V. into my arm and then told me to take a deep breath. That's it. That's all I can remember. After that, I woke up and the nurse gave me two popsicles to suck on.

When I came to, it was the most bizarre feeling. I was completely out of it: delirious, disconnected, and giggling like a fool every now and then. My father, the one who took me home, was comforting me on the drive back. Meanwhile, I just kept repeating everything he said and was waving at everyone who passed us by in traffic. I must have said a bunch of other embarrassing things, but I can't recall. That's probably for the best.

So, mission accomplished for me today. I told my superiors and coworkers I'd be taking the week off. I'm happy to have such an accommodating and friendly team. Before this, I had my fair share of dealing with unsavory characters, putting it kindly, from my previous jobs. I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I'm happy, very happy, that I've the privilege and chance to be working with people that I can maybe call friends one day.

There was something I'd like to talk about, however. While I'm doing my best not to dwell on negative thoughts, I also know it's almost always never a good idea to bottle them up. About two weeks ago, as I was lying in bed, I felt tired. I mean, really, really tired. The kind of tired where you don't want to wake up from. Nothing suicidal or anything like that, no, but enough where I wanted to stop time and just lay there for a long while. As I was closing my eyes, I could feel my heart skip. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what exactly happened next, but my vision went slightly black and it felt like my heart gave out. I think, for a moment, I died.

I know this sounds ridiculous, and yes, only a medical professional would've been able to tell in that moment. However, in that moment, it terrified me. I had never been so afraid of my own mortality than in that episode in my entire life. It felt as if someone had whisked me out of my body temporarily and then shoved me back in. It was horrifying, and I started to cry. I'm not a religious man, not anymore. What scared me the most is that I fear that there's nothing "waiting" for me on the "other side", if there even is one. It was nothing but black. Nothing. That's one of the reasons why I was so afraid of going to surgery today, because I was afraid of what would happen if I died in the operating room.

The anxieties and cynical thoughts that have been plaguing me recently are what's doing this to my body, I'm sure of it. I should go see my PCP and tell him what happened, but I believe it's got something to do with my line of thinking. I don't know really, though. I'm sick and tired of seeing medical professionals nowadays. I just want to live a peaceful life. I can't keep living like this, thinking that every single person in this world is horrible and that I should stay away from them. I can't keep isolating myself like this. This "black and white" mentality is going to kill me. I'm not a machine. Having discipline and rationale is good, but I need to stop pretending to be someone--something--that I'm not.

I still haven't reached a solution for that. I don't think there really is one. I was born like this, and I'm going to die like this. I should just embrace it, as it's much of a gift as it is a curse.

​

Been losing bets, losing in ads, losing in time because getting contracted for ACA is taking forever and I'm just losing and waiting. Ain't nothing of note here, but steady defeat.

Hmmm, it's been a while since I posted. To be fair, there wasn't many things to post about.

Everything was regular, nothing jumped out of the standard for me to write about it on here. I guess that should be okay, but sometimes it feels like I got no life, lol.

I went out for the first time since I quit cigarettes. Wanted to see if being in that type of an environment would be a problem, but it did not seem to be an issue. Now to be fair I only had one Heineken, because I was driving. I shouldn't have any issue with not smoking even if I end up getting drunk.

Changing subject for a bit, how do you reprogram your body so that you can sleep longer than 6 hours? I keep waking up too early and then getting my morning routine done too fast. I get to work 30 minutes early. I mean I do read my books while I wait for the time to go in, but I could actually sleep longer, I hear that's good for you, lol.

So I've been gambling on another site and I went ahead and spent $10 while getting a $150 bonus credit and I'm doing $25 (because I had to) In several different parley bets and I hope to yield some decent cash from that. Its only a few hundred that I could potentially win but its something and I mean its free money.

I've set my sites on marketing now and I'm not investing a small amount into my marketing campaign on facebook. I'm planting a seed, but this seed can easily sprout into quite the lucrative tree.

We will see how the ad campaign goes and I will readjust from there.

I'm gonna miss this dang place. It was actually a lot of fun hanging out here and doing all the things I had always wanted to do. Being in the same places as before but this time as a stronger, more confident version of myself.

I realized something else. Me coming here wasn't just about gaining back control. Another, maybe even more important aspect, was acceptance. Accepting that the time I spent here actually was a part of my life, and it did contribute to the person I am today. It is no longer just a dark period of my life that I don't like to think about.

Being back here made me realize that I actually do have a lot of fond memories from this place as well. I met one of my best friends of all time here. Even the people that I am no longer in contact with, inspired so much of who I am today.

And then I guess it's also about accepting that not some things may happen beyond our control. And accepting that the years after Sweden played out the way they did. I don't think I'm fully there yet. But taking big steps.

Now I have a 24h train ride ahead of me, let's go!

So I just got finished with what I wanted to get down. I'm way behind schedule but I finally completed all of my facebook pages. Not entirely "complete," yet since I still have to do other stuff and pretty much "connect" everything to my phone and calendly etc.

Going against my big booty model girl addiction I need to talk and email onlyfans people so I can get all my cards blocked. That is a work in progress, but now every time I get a new card... Boom Blocked Done. Not dealing with paying money for big booty girls anymore.

I recently betted in fanduel but really wish I parley the $200 bonus they gave me. The thing is I could had easily made around $500-$700 if I did an intial parley off of the free bonus they gave me, but I didn't consider that decision at the time and I didn't know the $200 would expire after my first win.

The thing is guys. I've been addicted to gambling, women and gaming. I beat my gambling and gaming addictions a while ago. The reason why I'm gambling now is because I realized I can get some fast and easy money by taking proper risks and paying low and using bonuses to amplify the money I make. Using this strategy I was able to win and cash out an easy $150 with a risk of $10 dollars. Pretty efficient am I right? When you've been addicted you learn how to beat your addictions.

I haven't entirely beaten my lust for big jiggily booty onlyfan models. That is still a constant, but I have learned how to mitigate/eliminate my desire and that is by asking for my cards to be blocked as well as my IP to be blocked. As of right now I cannot even get onto onlyfans on my current PC, but I can get on it on my laptop which is an issue and cost me $85 dollars 2 days ago. I'm glad I took the calculated risk of betting on fanduel and I ended up benefitting a little bit/getting my money back.

I think I will continue to see what other promotions I can find and abuse. It is important to bet ALL of your money that way you're not sitting there addicted to gambling. You need to bet ALL of it and be DONE with it. If you don't you will be caught up in addiction and adrenaline rush and you won't be able to complete anything. I got done with my tasks I really should had finished earlier due to this ideology. I also decided to make the decision to cash out because I already won 3 bets in a row. That is good enough odds. For now I will use other gambling sites and pay bare minimum and risk very little and make use of that bonus cash. If I lose I lose and I won't log back onto the site. Unless fanduel has another promotion I won't ever be logging back into that site again. Its that simple.

Remember this word is a eat or be eaten world. You need to abuse what people/companies have to offer use them and be done with them like trash. Cruel I know, but you need to follow this methodology in order to be a true Predator.

I did a new tarot reading yesterday, because I had been having panic attacks and crying almost non-stop for three days about the fact that I will have to see Clive at Liesl's birthday party next weekend. I asked the tarot what my attitude or mindset should be about the situation, and did the full complicated Celtic Cross style reading.

For the "heart of the matter" card, I got the Five of Pentacles, the card of hard times, which I interpreted to mean that the main energy of the situation is that I am seeing myself as going through a hard time of pain and suffering that I have to grimly endure and get through alone. The "opposing factor" card was the Ace of Wands, which represents new growth and energy, ambition, new creative projects, new passions. So the fundamental opposition here is that I am still struggling with grief and pain from this super-traumatizing breakup that happened two years ago, but I also want to move on, embrace newness, to get past it and find new love, new friends, new hobbies, new happiness. I think a big part of this impetus has been throwing myself wholeheartedly into planning a big adventurous solo hiking trip this summer. I have been doing training hikes, trying to get into shape, improving my diet, meeting new people through a hiking club, trying to brush up on my German, meeting new people in my German class, and so on.

Who knows, maybe I will also meet someone new at the party! (Okay, it's unlikely, these parties are always the same few people, but heck, you just never know.)

For "what lies beneath," i.e., the subtle and unconscious factor at play, I got The Star - the card of hope and healing. So that's good - my psyche is slowly healing, it wants to heal and hope, it wants to trust and put faith in people and the universe again. For "what lies above," i.e., the conscious aspect of the situation, I got the seven of wands, representing insecurity, feeling the need to defend myself, and in the Wildwood Tarot deck that I was using, it meant unfounded fears. So I interpret that to mean that I don't have to be afraid of my friends, even though I am feeling insecure and defensive - the Star is underneath, hoping for goodness and kindness from others, and in fact, my friends do care about me and are good people, even if they don't understand a lot of what I've been through or the challenges I still face.

For "what lies behind me," I got The Seer, which corresponds to the High Priestess in other decks. This is the card of intuition and vision, of seeing beyond the surface of things. I interpret this to refer to the fact that I saw the truth about Clive that he has hidden from other people. I saw it accurately, and I wasn't wrong about him - he really is a very disturbed guy with a broken moral compass, who presents himself as almost the opposite of who he really is. He acts super nice, but underneath is someone very cold, someone pathologically callous and self-interested, with an impaired capacity for empathy. As a friend, he is charming and fun to be around, but in relationships he is dishonest, manipulative, exploitative, and cruel. Other people can't see what I see because I am an unusually sensitive and highly analytical and observant person. I pick up on the small details and subtleties that other people miss, and I connect the dots where other people don't. So I saw through his gaslighting and deceit, and my friends may never realize what a creep he really is, unless he someday lets the mask slip too much or escalates too far for them to remain in denial.

For "what lies before me," I got the Nine of Cups - abundance, generosity. My cup will overflow with love and friends and happy relationships, and I will give back love and caring in return and spread my good fortune around. So that is good!

For the ladder part of the reading, on the bottom rung, the "me" card, which represents where I am, I got the Eight of Pentacles, skill. So basically, I need to focus on mastery of the skills needed to navigate difficult social situations and to cope with the stress of seeing a difficult, triggering person. I am pretty skilled already, but I am also still learning and growing. This is for sure a challenging opportunity for growth.

The next rung is the "outside factors" - the things I don't control that influence the situation. For this the card was the Five of Cups. In most decks this represents broken relationships, but in the Wildwood deck, it's ecstasy. The broken relationships part seems more apt for my situation. My relationships with my friends was damaged by the fact that they were shocked that I would speak badly of Clive, whom they think is a great guy. I have tried to do damage control, but damage was definitely done. Some of it was irreparable and things might never be the same, but I have to just focus on what is fixable and what still remains. Oonagh and John probably irretrievably gone from the circle of people I could consider friends. But Thelma understood completely. I still have to see if the friendships with Liesl, Tofer, Javier, Jane, and Kellen will survive. But if not, I have lots of other friends still outside of that group, and new friends can still come into my life.

The penultimate card is the "hopes and/or fears" card, and I got the King of Cups. This card always seems to show up when I do a reading that has something to do with Clive or with my love life - it's basically the King of Hearts, and either represents Clive himself or possibly the next person I fall in love with, if I ever do manage to fall in love again. So yes, my hopes and fears are Clive. Part of the agony of seeing him is always that this tiny persistent hope remains in my heart for reconciliation between us, for kindness from him. No, I don't want to date him. It would just be nice if I could believe I was a human being to him, that he actually cared about my feelings and well-being. It would be nice if we could just at least be civil to each other instead of giving each other the silent treatment. It would be nice if, for all my "seer" talk, it would turn out that I was wrong and he really wasn't such a terrible person as I have thought him to be. At the same time, I am afraid of him because I fear I may not even have seen the worst. If he has been this amoral and toxic in the past, who knows what he might still be capable of? If a person truly lacks a well-functioning conscience, there is a danger to seeing through their cover and knowing too much about them, because it can make you a target. Basically, I don't trust him not to try to hurt me still.

The "possible final outcome" card was the King of Swords. This is a powerful figure who judges and acts intelligently, impartially, justly, and accurately. He does not ignore emotions in his judgment but weighs them appropriately, he sets firm and appropriate boundaries and stands up for truth and justice for himself for others. He is stern but fair and wields his power well. This can be me, if I am strong enough and make wise choices and act with self-discipline ...

I’m too hungover. No more alcohol for atleast a week. Pls 😭

it’s been brought to my attention that on top of some of the other things I have been doing - I have been obsessing again lately.
one of my big things is lists… I make lists for everything. so this week, I’m going to attempt to live day by day, doing whatever I think needs to be done or maybe making a small (3 point only) list for the top things for THAT day.
usually I make a to do list for the week, one for the month and then sporadic ones for daily. it’s becoming overwhelming with things overlapping… lists in notebooks and on my phone and on my calendars and whiteboards. it’s really everywhere.
I think I still have a blank planner downstairs that I thought about bringing back out to do a daily log in the morning.
I got up at 5:15 today and got out of bed right away to get some stuff done. I did still spend the first like 30 minutes on my phone (another habit to break) but I did it sitting up in my living room drinking water instead of laying in bed vaping. I think if I continue to get up at that time, I’d have plenty of time to organize and construct an outline “per day” and write it down so I still feel like I’m getting my list fix but not seeing myself up for failure.
I guess we’ll see if I can get there by the end of the week but idk. it seems daunting but I’m also tired of feeling overwhelmed too so, let’s give it a shot.

I’d also just like to mention here (because I have nowhere else to say it) that I was right, 100% right. all of these revelations and realizations were brought about because ONE PERSON talked to me, communicated their honest thoughts and opinions with me. and it’s the only opinions/thoughts I ever wanted to hear. I can make these changes now that I know what they are and what impact they have. but I’d not be me if I didn’t have a little “I told you so” moment.

happy Monday everyone.

I’m going on my own way. I was lost like you, still am. Only I have a rope out of the well, a path out of the cave. It's precarious even with just me, I cannot pull you along. I must keep going, the light is too precious. I never actually saved you, I only helped stop you from drowning. I never delivered you any peace. And I know better than anyone that no one can pull you out of your own hole, it would be a futile effort. No one could for me, and I cannot for you. It would only cause me to stumble and lose my way. I cannot become lost in your darkness while trying to escape my own.

I believe in you, to one day do it. To find your own path and have the strength to go down it. But I also see a possible future where you find the darkness warm and comforting, enveloping yourself in its pressure. A thick, twinkling, black poison that tastes so sweet to the tongue but sours in your stomach, corrupting. Where one day you look around and realize it has seeped out of your pores and got on everyone around you, leaving you alone. Perhaps then you will realize your addiction and its destruction. Perhaps both futures are one. But I do not wish to witness it, I do not want to be around when it happens. I do not want that sappy toxin on my skin anymore. I’m tired of it sticking to everything I do. I’ve grown accustomed to it. I’ve allowed its sparkle to hypnotize me into submission to your selfishness. You see it on me, you see it in my mouth silencing me, you see it in my eyes keeping me up later than I want, you see it plugging my ears to your passive-aggressive comments. I’m pretty sure you relish in it, the power, the control, the freedom from the same obligations I feel so deeply towards you. I need it reciprocated, I’m tired of you only taking, only showing any affection or appreciation when you are drunk. I hate that I feel bad for being mad at you. Telling myself that it’s on me to tell you that you should care for me, that I should be in your considerations. I shouldn’t have to ask for that when I give it so passionately and willingly.

I used to believe it was due to your youth, but now I think it’s your nature. I hope I am wrong. I want you happy, living a deep life but if it ever happens it will be a long time from now. I have given you all that I can, all my allowances, all my care, all my love and I feel cold. I didn’t properly learn a lesson from my past, to not let the little things build up, but I am not going to continuously punish myself for that by allowing myself to be walked all over by you. From my past I have also learned that what people are willing to do to others they are willing to do to you, that you are not the exception, given the right situation, they will. I saw today what you are willing to do to your friend for the sake of validation from a boy. You are a servant to their sweet nothings, even though you know exactly what they are. I used to sympathize with you on that, I have my own vices that are pillars for my self-worth. But I saw you cross a line, you lied to yourself and me about the situation to make yourself feel better, and you lied so poorly too, contradicting yourself from what you said only a few sentences ago. I am choosing to learn this lesson; I can now see you betraying me in that same way and in the end thinking it was okay, I didn’t before.

You can be a beautiful person, I’ve seen you connect with others, sharing yourself with them. You have taken off the mask to let others in, but I fear it’s starting to fuse with your face. That mask was not designed by you with me in mind. I do not find it attractive like others do. I could lie to myself and say I have had the luxury of seeing you without that mask, in the same way others have. But I haven’t. You haven’t opened up to me in that way, even when I have tried going first. How come you call me your saviour but you don’t share with me the life that came after?

I used to be okay with everything as long as I knew you had a deeper layer to you, even if you didn’t share it with me. That it was all a show, but I now see your commitment to your role has become your priority, it’s now your reality. The real you, the you I knew as a kid, the you I grew up with has faded into the backdrop of your chase to quench your self-hatred. And I will no longer be a victim of it.

Today I just feel lazy. I was suppose to get all my websites/facebook pages done, but I got readdicted to my past time affilcition, onlyfans and big booty girls that can twerk. I currently have spent $35 dollars on it, but I think I will force a refund from my bank cause I get scammed a lot with these 7 second videos and its super annoying paying $15 for a 7 second video.

I'm able to beat/defeat my addiction by asking onlyfans employees to block my card/ip address. This is very effective and allowed me to break my addiction.

ik I posted this morning but I wanted to say something.
I went out to breakfast/brunch with an old coworker - which usually I dread. I just haven’t been an “in person” friend since I quit drinking.
but I had a GREAT time. it wasn’t as awkward as I thought and the food was delicious.
when I got home, it was almost 80° and sunny… the perfect Sunday afternoon. I washed my car and made a comment, outloud, about being happy.

and then it hit me. today I actually felt happy. like for reals. it was really cool and even cooler to say it and mean it.

idk I just think it wound up being a really big day for me today.

I'm pretty sure there's a lesson to be learned for me around here somewhere. I didn't really know why I had the urge to return here after all these years. To get closure, sure, but what does that even mean?

I'm starting to think it might be about taking back control. The first time I was here, everything happened outside of my control. I wouldn't have chosen to come here in the middle of winter if it hadn't beent for my ex. I didn't choose for him to fail his courses and stay behind as a consequence. And I definitely didn't choose for the world to go through a global pandemic that suddenly cut my time here short, before I could do all the things I wanted to do.

But now I can walk these streets and feel in control. I'm literally doing whatever the fuck I want. Which includes all the things I didn't get around to the first time.

We may not be in control over everything in life at all times. Some things can just happen, even if we don't want them to. And I think that's okay. I think control exists more so in the idea that in the long run, you'll find ways to deal with those things and survive.

I took back control over my life last summer by breaking up with my ex and living the life I wanted to for a while. And then a major part of control was taken away again in October. Maybe that's why I felt the urge to go back to Sweden now. To still feel control over other parts over my life.

Yeah. It sucks that it only took one asshole who couldn't keep his d*ck to himself to completely upend my life for the past six months. It really sucks. And I'm not going to downplay that. But even in that regard, I'm doing everything I can to take some of that control back. Even if they are only small steps in comparison, I'm still taking them. And in the end, I'll come out stronger.

I'm so sick of F. At the same time I need to concentrate on other things. That's the only way out.

I really cannot travel with her. I hope this is what will finally get her to understand how bad her behaviour is. Either way, I should not care about these things.

I've told mum and dad that we won't be coming in June and that I might travel with H by myself later in the summer instead. I've not told F any of this.

Goals for now: 1) Stand by my idea of not travelling with F. It does not matter if she behaves well for a while. The problem of the unpredictability of her behavior is still there. 2) Continue progressing at work. 3) Continue running regularly. This will help will everything else and will make it possible for me to sleep. 4) Get into some kind of normal routine. I need to be able to relax around F while at the same time not changing my principles in any way. 5) It would be great to spend some more fun time with H.

I will work from the office next week. F does not respect that I need to work when I work from home. All she does is lie in bed with E. I know this is not an easy period for her either. However, if I felt like I could discuss these things with her in an adult way I would. However, I can't, so I have to leave for the office every day.

With regards to sex, it does not matter. If I feel like I want to initiate, I will allow myself. However, this cannot change anything else with regards to my decision of not travelling with her.

Sunday 14 April 2024

London

Dear Diary ,

This weekend has been a struggle like most weekends. I take a very deep breath and try and figure out how I am supposed to get through. I make a plan, write a list in an attempt to stop feeling pain, or should I say numb the pain for a little while.

Yesterday I took myself into London, the Strand to see back to the future, the musical. All by myself. I have gotten very used to doing things alone and I’ve got very used to spending most of my time in my own thoughts. The show has been on my London bucket list for sometime and feeling lost. I thought why not!

I got on a bus and took myself into London. The traffic was horrendous, and I managed to get there just in time by the skin of my teeth before 2:30 when the show started . The show itself was brilliant and definitely worth the trip and all the stress of getting there

During the intermission and feeling a bit of a loner I decided to step out of the theatre to find a snack and a drink. Just as I left the theatre a homeless man sat on the road, decided to scream you- fat-cow as I walked passed.

I don’t know why he screamed at me. What I did to antagonise him, but what I do know is it made me feel very sad and sent me into a spiral. In the space of 20 minutes, I had bought myself a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a sandwich. Cramming it into my mouth, I tried consoling myself with food and hating myself. Believing him and proving him right. I am a fat cow.

I went back to the theatre to watch the rest of the show, sad and I’m feeling a little bit sick.

I didn’t let it ruin the enjoyment for me but even today diary, I am still so sad that I was spoken to so poorly but also so annoyed that I didn’t say anything to defend myself. I believed his words and I acted on them. It felt like he had just seen through me and no matter what I do I am still a disgusting fat cow.

I spent the rest of the day depressed in bed watching Ugly Betty.

I’ve woken up today. Feeling a bit shit but kicking myself wishing I had just told to fuck off.

That said, I don’t want this diary to just be all doom and gloom or a play by play account of my negative thoughts. I did a few things to make me feel better and more human again. I took a short walk in the sunshine. I didn’t feel like doing it, my heart was in my mouth the whole time but I’m glad I did it anyway

I hope tomorrow will be a better day

S

okay so maybe this was always obvious, idk… but like, I just realized something.

last night I read a stat on a true crime sub about how people in DV situations are 750% more like to be killed by their partner if their partner has choked them. the way this fact curdled my fucking blood dude, oh my god. and it was kinda eerie, knowing that could’ve been a real statistic for me, like an entire fact. but then again… it’s not really all that surprising.

what I’m getting at is that I’ve been having a hard time with the phrase “let go”. so many people have been saying this to me lately, and between that and “you gotta move on”, I’ve been trying to comprehend what they mean. because when someone says that to me, it truthfully just doesn’t compute. I can’t grasp the concept of moving on from things sometimes but I also can never really articulate why I hold onto it so hard either.

the year of 2020 was traumatic and unrealistic and terrible for a lot of people. I’m absolutely not special in that. that time period just also happened to coincide with some of the biggest changes of my life, the worst mistakes and with the most pain I’ve ever been in. after a certain point in time, I knew I was in over my head and I knew that this wasn’t “a game”, I knew something was off and we were running full speed towards actually dangerous.

I was viscerally aware of the way everything was falling apart for numerous people all at once… on a micro and macro level. the hurt that I was in and the hurt that I caused haunts me and I couldn’t ever imagine letting that go. but then my brain said, “why?”

why can’t I? what benefit does it hold for me to hold onto that pain? the things that I learned from those experiences, that I should keep. the awareness, the control, all of that should stay. but why keep the pain? why keep reliving the memory? why keep being scared?
all of these things that I’m trying to do are being so dampened by a rain cloud that I bring with me. always back to self-sabotage.
it might not be crystal clear, but I think I might be starting to understand people when they say I have to stop, I have to let it go and I have to move on.

it seems almost… doable. 🤞🏻

Bless this country. After an hour of cycling in the cold rain, I find this log cabin at the edge of the woods. Outside a man is chopping up wood for the fireplace that is roaring inside. I go in and get myself a hot coffee with oat milk and a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven. I've got an amazing view over pinetree forests covering the rolling hills. Soft indie music is playing in the background, the type of songs you hear in Volvo commercials. Absolute bliss.

I'm starting to find more and more things I like about this country. Also starting to realize that I also have good memories from my time here, not only bad ones. I think I was doing better back then than what I gave myself credit for.

I still feel a lot of hurt over the time period that followed tho. When I came back home at the height of COVID, not being able to see my friends and family. I relied solely on the company of my ex. The darkness that Sweden had instilled in my mind lingered there for a long time afterwards, still paralyzing me, numbing me.

I'm trying to see if I can find a way to forgive myself. First of all for leaving him, but also for staying with him for so long. Basically for all the hurt that I caused someone that I really cared about. And still do. And I know it's not all on me. He very much contributed to this environment, this way of life that was hurting me. I just did what I had to do to protect myself by leaving.

And then for staying. I'm starting to understand. In theory, you should always put yourself first. It's your life and no one else knows what's best for you apart from yourself. I honestly do believe that. But it becomes a little more complicated when there's someone else in your life that you genuinely care about. Someone that you love, even. Someone you only want the best for, you'd never want to hurt. Especially when that person begs you to stay.

It's pretty funny how I'm so focused on how I hurt him and just casually gloss over all the hurt he caused me, for years on end. That's typically me. You're doing fine, PatatjeKroketje. Just keep looking out for yourself. Keep being yourself. And in the meantime, enjoy your cinnamon roll.