My head is quiet now. Peacefully quiet. It’s as if everything has slowed down, and for the first time in a long while, there’s no noise, no rushing thoughts, no constant chatter. I’ve been overthinking everything for months, my mind constantly spinning since late August. But now, it feels like the storm inside me has passed, and all that’s left is a calm stillness. It’s strange, this calmness, because it feels so unfamiliar yet comforting. For hours, I’ll just drift, lost in a space where nothing really matters, nothing really comes through. I find myself walking to the beach or the park around 3 a.m., waiting for the sun to rise, and in all that time, my mind doesn’t settle on anything — just silence.

I guess I’m trying to make sense of all this, or maybe it’s trying to make sense of me. I’m a deeply spiritual and religious person, and I’ve felt this quiet belief growing inside of me. It’s like the sorrow and suffering I’ve been carrying are finally starting to lift, but not because things have necessarily gotten better. There are no signs, no promises that everything will be okay. I’m not waiting for some magical moment where it all just works out. But there’s this quiet certainty, this feeling that everything will unfold as it should. I can’t explain it fully, but it’s there.

It’s almost like there’s a child inside of me — a younger, fragile version of myself — who needs protection. I feel like it’s my job now to keep her safe, to shield her from the storms, to be her protector. My 24-year-old body feels too grown-up, too hardened by life, but in my heart, I know she’s still there, and I have to watch over her. I’ve told God everything in my prayers — the pain, the dreams, the hopes. I’ve laid it all out, and now I hold onto something stronger than words. A quiet belief that everything I’ve wished for, all that I’ve carried in my heart for so long, will come true. I feel it deep in my bones, like I’m already planning my next steps.

And though there’s no evidence yet, no visible sign that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. This year won’t end without my heart being healed, without me feeling whole again. For now, I’m letting this peaceful quiet fill me up, trusting that even in stillness, things are happening. It’s a rare gift, this peace, and I want to savor it, to embrace it while it lasts, because it feels like a moment I’ve been waiting for without even knowing it.

i feel so good. im young. i have options. im blessed and fortunate enough to have a roof over my head. a stable job. savings. a way to get around. i was never grateful for the little things. always wanting for what i didnt have…theres so many ways to live my life idk where to start. so many places to live i dont know where to go. im so glad to be here. its like all of this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. im falling in love, but this time im taking it slowly. ill protect us, because thats my job. make sure i remain happy, because thats my job. make sure im better than yesterday everyday, because thats my job. shes gods gift to me. im so grateful now. sorry i left u. she told me dont fight for them fight for yourself, show no love.. realist shit i heard in a while. i pray i stay strong for us everyday now. i wont look back nm, im sorry. our future together is bright. ill go forward..for us.

Today, I felt trapped in my overthinking. No matter how much I tried to focus, my mind kept drifting to worries and doubts.

I found myself analyzing every little thing, even though I knew it wasn’t helping. Letting these thoughts go feels impossible sometimes.

I hope that, with time, I’ll find a way to quiet my mind and feel more at peace.

Is there a free therapy session online or something where I don't have to really disclose myself and also not share numbers. Obviously unpaid one's? Please help me out here I'm seeking for therapy sessions without having to share my identity.

Me and my friend joined a college together for higher studies and there's a person in our class trying to get between us , that other person is making it seem like he/she just wants to talk to my friend and make us distant , its getting obvious now and I was miserable in that person's presence so I had an argument with my friend and my friend keeps saying she is at fault she shouldn't make me feel this way but she again rubs it on my face the same routine of being clingy with that person. Tomorrow we're going to have a final conversation to fix things because I was being cold towards her today I didn't talk the same I was being responsive but not engaging well cuz I thought I'm getting in the way of those 2. So my friend said we ll fix things talking it out tom but I don't trust her changing at all. What is a good thing to say in this convo to her so that it actually affects her and she realises n changes this situation caused and what's the best thing for me to do here if I have no choice? And yeah if you're gonna say talk to others and all , it can't happen coz we are divided in few batches of 2 and 3 where we 3 ended up in day batch. This person makes it obvious by posting stories of my friend acting all clingy calling her names like soulmate twin etc when they like met a week back literally, and even shares their life stories with my friend, may it be about her ex friends or whatever. I don't wanna lose this friend of mine but I'm being miserable and irritated by the other person have had so many arguments already , but my friend only says it's their fault so idk what to do anymore I'm coming across as a bad person regardless of whatever I do.

The feeling of not knowing what I want, or what I’m supposed to do makes it even harder to get up in the morning. I’m exhausted, but not in a way sleep can fix. It’s like my mind is just… tired.

I keep wondering if I’m missing something, some clue to help me out of this endless loop. But every time I try to think my way out of it, I end up in the same place: nowhere.

I guess I’ll try again tomorrow, not that I expect anything different.

A lot has happened, and I’m not ready to write about it yet. This week, I haven’t been able to get enough sleep. No matter how long I sleep, I can’t focus throughout the day and end up needing to go back to bed. I think my fight-or-flight response is pushing me to sleep away the pain, especially since I’ve been ignoring my feelings and forcing myself to be happy after the breakup.

Yesterday, I went out with a friend of mine just to get out of my room. I try to get out and interact with people as much as I can to gain energy, instead of crawling under my sheets. We went out, ate sushi, and watched a Ghibli movie. Harvey (fake name) kept comforting me, but I didn’t want to talk about the breakup, so we just talked about the business we have together, our future plans, and some silly memories. I stayed with him until 9 p.m., then went to the library to get some supplies for today’s project.

Today, I have so many delayed projects. I didn’t go to work, and I tried to finish a mini figure I’ve been working on, but my airbrush isn’t working for some reason. I live in a student dorm, so I’m waiting at the art college for a fine arts professor to help me. He’s really nice and works with this stuff on a daily basis. I asked him by phone, and he offered to help. I still haven’t heard from him, though—it’s already 3 p.m.

I have two anime drawings and a project to finish today. Tomorrow, I’ll finish the third and last one so I can submit them all. I’m not sure if I should go back home for the weekend. My little sister keeps calling me, telling me she misses me. I think I’ll go for her, but I’ll decide for sure by the end of the day.

There’s also this guy, Ivan, who helped me before in the university group chat. He keeps calling and telling me that he loves me. I explained that I don’t see him as more than a friend, which he understands, but he still keeps confessing. Honestly, I’m really annoyed. I just went through a breakup, and I’m mentally exhausted. I need him to leave me alone. I’ve been ignoring his calls all week. I feel a little guilty because he’s actually nice to me, but I don’t want to lead him on or break his heart. I just really don’t want him.

I miss Ava so much. She went to Spain in September and won’t be back until December. Her presence always comforts me, and knowing she’s happy makes me happy too. She really needed to get out of the country and breathe some fresh air, She’s one of those rare people who just makes you feel safe, like everything is going to be okay when she’s around. I would literally take a bullet for her without thinking twice. She’s been my safe space, the one person I can always rely on to make things better just by being herself. It’s hard not to have her here, but I know she needed this time to reset, to get away from everything. Still, God, I miss her so much. I can’t wait for December to come, just so I can have her back.

Filling up my schedule really helps ease my mind because it keeps me so busy that I can’t think about anything else. Hopefully, once I get these projects done, I’ll be able to focus a little better.

I am not 21. I am 16. I just got drunk with my friend on a hill. I go to high school and I smoke cigarettes in the bathroom. I listen to music. I dream. I dreamed. It was a dream, it was heaven.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT NOW. You.. will graduate college, eventually. I fucking hate college. After that, I will work. Or will my father's business take care of my income? I don't know what'll happen.

I have this idea (been having it for..what, a few years now?) that I can escape my mind. How? I always thought that I could do it, but in fact, I have no clue how. Maybe try something you didn't try before. Okay, mister. Let's do just that. It will definitely work after I hit the "Post" button. Tomorrow I will be a new man, cleansed of neurosis. Be sure of that!

WOE. WOE. WOE. WOE. WOE. FUCKING SHIT. FUCK. I want to scream. What the fuck is everything for? This life is absurd, the universe is absurd. "It is what you make of it". Given how terrible some people's fates are, I almost think of solipsism. How could life be so horrible? Truly seems like a mistake. Imperfect, wretched beings.

As I wrote about last week, I had a friend-diplomacy conversation last week with my long-time friend Liesl, after blowing up at my friend group over PTSD and their pal Clive being an emotionally abusive creep to me. With Liesl it went so-so - I think the overall outcome was that we don't hate each other, and will continue trying to be kind to each other, but I am still not going to be proactive in seeking to hang out with her, since she continues to be pretty invalidating and I just don't trust her. Also, I realized she may be sort of semi-literate, and maybe just isn't all that intelligent.

Liesl seemed to think her husband Tofer (an ex-boyfriend of mine) was going to be even less supportive than her, so I was dreading talking with him. But he was way nicer and easier to talk with, and it was actually lovely to reconnect with him, and tell him how I had always felt fondly nostalgic about the relationship he and I had and what a good boyfriend he had been. I don't wonder that they are having marital problems, as Liesl and Tofer seem to see each other very differently, with Liesl being discontented and pessimistic, and Tofer seeing things as going okay with just some bumpy spots. Of course, marriage is also just hard, and American culture, in my view, greatly overvalues it, so people feel pressured to stay in troubled marriages and work things out, when they would often do themselves and each other a favor by letting it go and moving on with kindness and grace. But that's just my view as a marriage skeptic!

I am so happy things in life are finally looking up mentally and health wise. I just hate that I have a heavy heart still about something. I wish I could purge the sadness out.

Am I not interesting enough? do I just suck at presenting myself? or am I just focusing on a problem that doesn’t exist? Philosophy is no longer useful to me anymore. I used to be able to just pace around and then come up with so many ideas and questions about how the world works. That is no longer the case. My mind is just blank now. There is nothing left to think about. I had a violent dream yesterday and woke up with my heart beating rapidly, that is the second time I felt something worth mentioning. I enjoy having nightmares because they give me a sense of danger. I can't help but look at the view every time I stand on the upper floor. I can't focus on my work when I'm up there. I wish I had someone to sit with me and talk about life. It rained for the first time since I came here today. I read about how a woman was attacked by a group of guys unprovoked. That reminds me of why my emotions were suppressed. What would society be like if there were no laws to prevent immoral acts? Not every human deserves to live but who am I to say who deserves what. That is dependent on morals and values. Even then, there is always an underlying incentive behind morals and values.

I looked through the application and wrote down a few sentences for my harvard essay. I don't know why I'm doing that when I don't plan to apply for at least another 5 years. That’s a lie, I do know why. It fuels my fantasies. Thinking about the fact that one day I will become somebody makes me feel good even though there is no effort to back it up.

It was raining so I went back to my dorm. As I am walking down the street I pay attention to my environment. The dampness in my clothes brings me to the present. Rainy nights give me a sense of comfort. It reflects the harsh reality of this world. It is natural to cope and be optimistic but that only clouds the truth.

I am so grateful to be here. I just realized how easy it is to be at the top. I could finish an entire week’s worth of work in just a day but I don’t. Instead I leave it until the end and procrastinate at the start. How much more time could I dedicate to projects, internships, and research experience if I got all the schoolwork out of the way first? I’m ending up as average by doing the bare minimum. I ruin my entire day by watching youtube as a way to relieve boredom. Who knows how much further ahead I could’ve been if I actually took life seriously. I know I can do better than the majority of people here but I don’t because everyone works harder. Everyone is more disciplined. There is no reason to dwell on the past. There is every reason to live in the present.

Maybe one day, I will love. Maybe one day, I will be happy. I don't know what happens after we die, but heaven and hell are on earth. There can be such a big discrepancy between what two different individuals live on the same planet. Everyone wants to be happy, not everyone gets to.

So, I seek a solution to life. I sought for many years, but I never managed to find anything. Only some philosophies that point to what I consider to be the solution, such as taoism and buddhism. I don't know what to do. Maybe there is truly no escape. Maybe I will keep on going in circles.

And so...

I had a real eye opening conversation with my therapist today. We were talking about my supervisor at work, the toxic one, and I was saying that I still don't know how to deal with his comments and not let them get to me. She said that it might be best to avoid interaction with him as much as I can, unless it is absolutely necessary, keep a bit of distance from him, and, don't show him when things are going well. I was a bit confused by that last part so I asked her to elaborate, and she said he sounds like the type of person who not only is convinced of his own greatness, but who cannot deal with other people doing well either. Because they might be threatening, or lead the attention away from him.

And that just made so much sense. It never occurred to me before, but it made so many things that have happened with him in the past just click. I don't remember all of the specific instances (I've been working with him, or at least trying to, for four years now), but the general vibe that when I think I'm doing something right, it immediately gets shut down by him. When I get good results with my own research, he doesn't acknowledge that, but just tries to make me focus on other things that he has the intellectual high ground in. And that's why it felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough for him. Because the moments when you are thriving, are exactly the times that he lashes out.

It took me four years to find that out, because I just cannot imagine that somebody's mind might actually work that way. Sure I can relate to feelings of jealousy or insecurity; in fact I'd say those are my specialty ✨ But at the end of the day, I know that those are just feelings, and I shouldn't take them out on other people. Or at least, I try my very best to be supportive of others.

It also helps me understand interactions he's had with other colleagues in the past. I feel really sad for them, bc I think his comments got to them too.

At least now that I understand it a bit better, it helps me to deal with it. Don't share my pride in my work with him, don't show feelings of joy or excitement. Just stick to the facts.

The beginning of the summer, literally the first day of june, marked my downfall into a big depression (save the hypomania in between). Holy shit, have I been depressed. After starting college, I had quite the anxiety as well. But... notice the tense of the verb. "Had", that's past. I am used to feeling like shit all the time, but now I feel like I am getting better. But... I hope I am not mistaken. I hope that this is not just some spur of the moment shit.

I never thought about journaling stuff that I do, I always wrote how I felt. So, yeah.. I started running again. I don't know how long it will take until I reach my peak again. I am running my usual route with a pace of 6 minutes/km, which is a bit embarassing lol. I just hope I'll be able to run a proper trail without spraining my ankle again, I am sticking to the road for now.

I think I will buy an espresso machine to make some good ass coffee. Some specialty coffee, some quality runs, some reading, hopefully some coding, and I'd be back on track. Oh, let's not forget the gym. When my shoulder will be ready for working out, then I'll truly be satisfied. Maybe even happy. True happiness, though, includes love, I think. If I will experience true love in this life, then my life would be complete.

Things have been going well lately. I got to travel to a large convention to see a big project that I've been working through, saw progress in my personal writing and even started working out again, but this week my brain decided to forget all of that and spend every day playing fucking videogames and wasting time on youtube. Right now me and my friends are working on an even bigger thing and they think they can trust me when I can't even trust myself to make a healthy breakfast in a reasonable timeframe. I know that the worst will pass, just like everything passes, but I'm really getting anxious with all this inactivity on my part. I'm not getting younger nor am I making any money, at least not yet

Not a lot to say, I just am feeling great, I did a 2.5k today, I'm halfway through my goal which I was trying to get through since 3 years and just postponed due to laziness.

3 weeks in, and came so far. 2 months to go I am hopeful I can do so much more!

S

I'm tired, finally in our hotel room after a long day of travel. We started the day by missing our first flight and having to book different flights, which put us four hours behind our original schedule. Of course, we had to deal with the usual airport bullshit: delayed flights, gate changes, and overpriced food that is barely edible. I know I will have the farts tonight from that burger and fries. Not to mention the grumpy business travelers who clearly wished they were at home.

But as they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

On our last flight of the day, departing from Chicago and bound for Rochester, MN, the sky was gray and cloudy. After a bumpy takeoff, we rose above the clouds to smooth flying. Seated on the left side of the plane by the window, I spent the rest of the flight watching the sun set into the thick clouds below us. It was an amazing sight at 20,000 feet.

The sky displayed lovely shades of red, orange, and yellow fading into the darkening sky above. As I gazed out at the scene, I meditated on the good health and fortune of my family and friends. My meditation was soon interrupted by the pilot's announcement that we would be landing soon. So, I straightened up in my seat and tightened my seat belt, preparing for a rough landing as I've experienced on many previous flights.

I stayed relaxed, enjoying the scenery as the clouds drew closer during our descent. Then, the sky suddenly darkened as we entered the heavy layer of clouds. Normally, I would see squares of land, houses resembling dollhouses, and tiny cars scurrying along the highways. But tonight, there was only darkness.

The descent was rough and bumpy as the pilot adjusted the throttle to maintain our glide path. Amid the darkness, I spotted a few distant streetlights shining up from the city below, like stars in an upside-down world. As we got closer, the city lights became clearer, and a few moments later, our wheels touched the runway. We taxied to our gate, bringing our long journey to an end.

Earlier, I mentioned a silver lining, and mine was witnessing that beautiful sunset in a way I never had before. It was knowing we landed safely, and that all of us on that flight were fine, heading to our homes and hotels for much-needed rest.

Let me tell you about my morning… Our cat was breathing weird so I take him to the vet, they call me later and I had to take him to an ER over an hour away. My ex yelled at me like it’s my fault he’s sick and I cried the whole way there. In between all this I knocked over the trash cans, I couldn’t find my bra so we are free today, apparently my shirt is also inside out, I locked my steering wheel, oh and before it all I couldn’t find the pet carrier so I had to Jerry rig a collar and leash.

If it’s not FIP doing it it’s congestive heart failure. On top of all this my medical bills, now the cat’s, my tumor, my double vision, & my broken heart. I just want a hug and the one person I need it from I can’t.

Just when I get mentally stable from the tumor all hell breaks loose.

Yay

Dear reddit. Why why why? Why do I do this to myself. I relapsed again. When I was so close to getting into a sober house. I just had one more fucking day of not drinking. Is pain a pleasure for me?
What was I thinking? Is destruction a game for me? Is upheaval a coin toss? Is this a spiral to gain what I feel I should go through? Another loss? I'm lost. ..... Now I'm facing homelessness. And abandonment. All the things I fear. Paving derailed roads if it's just a way to get closer to him. Not my boyfriend. Or rather I say, my fiance. But my husband. My thunder. My lighting who died a year ago. He overdosed. I saw him die. Just as we were to start a new life. And the new guy I met and fell in love with, He was born the same date my husband left. Irony sometimes is lonely. But it at times leads us to what we're meant to breath. In. In side my hole. Where No one else can reach me. Or would care to go. I'm sorry, I keep destroying my life. And when I get scared I reach up and pretend to know how to fight But I don't. I never have. I'm just a spoiled brat. I have nothing now. Just where I was meant to die at.

Wow. So much stuff happened today, so I want to put my thoughts down and make a goal for tomorrow. Here goes.

To start, I didn’t complete everything I want to do last night, but I did a lot, so I still felt accomplished. I read and gave feedback to two of my classmates in writing class, which leaves just one more that’s late, and astronomy assignments that I need to complete.

This morning I woke up around 12pm. I finally completed the destroyed license plate form I needed to complete after my car was in a fire last month. Then I went to class, costume shop class in College, and had a lot of fun de-stressing costumes so they look old and used for a stage production of Annie.

Next, I went to a close up magic show at a hotel nearby that I intern at, and it was so cool seeing all these fabulous magicians do all their tricks. One of the magicians, Stacy Stardust, is especially inspirational to me, as there aren’t that many female magicians, but she does magic so well that it really inspires me. She told me she’s been doing magic for 4 years, and started out doing magic at the school I’m signed up to, which is really cool.

After close up magic I went to magic club, where all the magicians in my city come to hang out, and I shared the two tricks I’ve been practicing, as well as a cool poem I made them I’m gonna put to magic, and I learned to much more from everyone there and also bought two more tricks from magic store.

When I came home, the Vengeance Saga of Epic the Musical was released today, so I listened to it and watched the recording of the livestream, and it was so incredible and amazing, a perfect end to a great day.

Before I sleep tonight I’m gonna write feedback on the last short story I have from Creative Writing class, and do at least 2 assignments from astronomy (trying to be more realistic from the 3 from yesterday) and if I’m not tired, I’ll try to write some of my own stories, and make a cardboard Halloween costume.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be an exciting day at the comedy club I intern at, as well as an exciting day of classes, so I won’t stay up too late, hopefully, and I will write a record of everything tomorrow night! For now, see you later, future me!!

Every time I journal, it’s because life feels meaningless and I don’t have anyone to talk to about my day.

Just finished taking a midterm. I’m going to bed hungry because I spent my entire day studying. More like half the day studying because I spent a significant portion of it distracted. Cheap dopamine will be the cause of my downfall. I should have prepared for it earlier. I didn’t because I had extra time. Whenever I have extra time, I’ll use it as a reason to not study. I can only focus when I’m in a high stress situation. I don’t get stressed enough.

I have trouble getting out of bed. I want to be better and productive throughout the entire day but I don’t have the motivation for it. It feels like I’m mentally torturing myself every time I try to be productive. Grade deflation forces me to put in effort. I’m tired, I have nothing left to say.

I want to feel the pain. I want to experience it as deep as it goes. I want no opioids to numb my sensations. Bring it on. Give me all of it.

I will not hide from the pain. I will not intoxicate myself with lights and laughter. I will feel it all. Every teardrop, every gasp, every tremble.

Let me suffer. Let me meet it alone. Let me hurt as much as it was meant to hurt. Give me no alternatives. Do not dilute the cup that was ordained to me. I was built strong enough for this.

Cease your good words towards me. Take away your embrace. Strip me naked, take away my water, my meal. Take away my Sun, my Solace, my Comforter. Take away my pleasures, my distractions.

I will not fear the darkness. I will not fear the silence. I will not fear the solitude. I will not fear you.

I'm back to work full time at my normal job and Jesus Christ, does it suck. Having been away for about 2 months, working in a healthier, more supportive environment, has really shown me just how crappy my normal work situation is. I feel extremely frustrated all throughout the day, until I come home and just cry. That's how it's been going every single day.

I've realized a few things that contribute to me feeling so horrible here:

• My supervisor knows next to nothing about what I'm working on, but he pretends to know everything. Every interaction we have is just me trying to ask him questions, or at least find out whether what I'm doing is more or less OK, and him just dodging the question and lecturing me on topics that are completely irrelevant. He has never showed me how to do anything, at any point during my masters or PhD, but he just gets angry when I don't deliver results "fast enough".

• There is no one else in my work environment working on a similar topic. I noticed that I get a lot of motivation from working alongside others, being able to discuss things, or at least feel like I'm not struggling on my own. Now I have to teach myself all the necessary skills to do my PhD, constantly push back against my own supervisor so he doesn't sabotage it, and I have to do all that completely on my own.

• I live in a country that is not my own, so I always feel like an outsider who will never really fit in. And yet I've been living here so long now that it's lost its novelty, which is what normally makes moving abroad exciting.

• I have very few people in my personal life that I can talk to about all this. In fact, I have more problems in my personal life that I kinda have to solve on the side if I want to keep being productive at work. I don't talk to my dad bc I think he's an asshole and he also kind of abused me as a kid, and my mom keeps asking me to talk to him despite knowing all this. I have to try and find closure after I was r*ped just last year and I now have to deal with the fact that the guy who did it can just go free with no consequences. There is nobody supporting me throughout all this, apart from my therapist who literally gets paid for that (bless her though).

Maybe some of that is my fault. I have been pushing people away here and there. But idk how to stop. I just feel so frustrated, all of the time, which makes it really hard to trust others. And I feel like the only thing I can do these days is vent, express my frustrations, and nobody wants to hear that.

Thanks for reading this post, and listening to me rant. It helps.

I'm trying to process the conversation I had with Liesl the night before last. I had gotten triggered because Jane sent out a group email invitation to her birthday dinner, with me and the rest of the friend group along with Clive (aka, the lying, emotionally abusive creep who manipulated me into unwanted sex, and, it turns out, is also high-functioning autistic). I hit reply-all and said I would be happy to join the group, and then Clive hit reply-all and said he would also be joining, and then I started having panic attacks and freaking out. I didn't want to spoil Jane's birthday by making a scene or going ballistic in response. Instead I politely told Jane by private email that I couldn't make it after all but I would love to take her out to dinner when I was back in town.

But, a few days before the dinner I reached out to an acquaintance from our book club who was going, who was the only one who hadn't yet heard the story, and told her Clive had been emotionally and sexually abusive to me, and I just didn't want to keep quiet about it because I felt people should know. I had since learned he was autistic, and I understood people still wanting to be friends with him, I told her, but I personally didn't want anything to do with him and was nope-ing out of the dinner because of it.

She didn't respond, and then after the dinner had passed, I sent a group email to Liesl, Tofer, Javier, Valentina, and Jane telling them that Oonagh had told me Clive was autistic. If I had just known three years ago that he was autistic, I could have made an informed decision about whether I wanted to take on the challenges of an ASD-neurotypical relationship, so I felt it was important to tell people about that.

Since that exchange with Oonagh, I've learned a lot more about autism, and am positive now that Oonagh was right, and the whole set of traumatizing and horrible experiences with Clive makes a lot more sense. But of course, autism is still not an excuse for consent violations or cruelty or acting like a compulsive serial womanizer for decades. I think the consensus of the internet is that autism doesn't necessarily make anyone abusive, but it also doesn't necessarily make anyone not abusive (including Neil Gaiman!). Contrary to some popular beliefs one meets on subreddits, adults with ASD are not just holy innocents who can do no wrong and are incapable of lying. They are human beings, and the spectrum is very broad; some can lie and manipulate and abuse just as some NTs can. Plus, every human being, whether ASD or NT, is a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses and good and bad and gray-area actions.

But, yeah, the email did not go over well, and Liesl and Javier both responded to the group making all kinds of accusations to the effect that I was just a disgruntled ex trying to smear the reputation of someone who rejected me, and Clive was a great guy with no flaws, how dare I say such horrible things about him, and I was making up PTSD just to wallow in victimhood. And I responded by accusing Liesl of suggesting that a consent violation was no big deal just because she herself was a fan of emotionally detached casual sex, and I trauma-dumped and told everyone on the email that I had been SA'd when I was five years old, so a consent violation was never going to be no big deal to me. I'm guessing that shocked people a bit, and then Liesl and Tofer suggested that we just talk offline, and so I agreed to talk offline.

Tofer was out of the country, so I just met up with Liesl first and separately for dinner out. It was actually good to see her. I had taken some time to remind myself why we were friends in the first place. Her good qualities are that she's kind and motherly and caring, and also extroverted and likes to organize fun things. She's a sweet, adorable person in so many ways. The tough thing about her, as Jane and I talked about, is that she can be very controlling. My hot take is that she has an anxious attachment style and overall runs to anxiety, so that's why she gets so controlling. Especially in the past couple of years, she has also tended to drink a lot and has become more testy and irritable in general. She has had family stress, and she and Tofer have been in couples counseling. They love each other, I'm pretty sure, but they have both been unhappy in the marriage, I guess. So she's been under stress.

I think what I also realized from the conversation and thinking things through, is that she is just not very bright in some ways - she doesn't read, can't express herself very articulately in writing, and she might be borderline illiterate, honestly - not in the sense of not knowing how to read, but just being so adapted to an internet culture of watching shows and Youtube videos, and scrolling through photo-based and meme-based social media, that her reading comprehension is very low. She mentioned that it took her an hour to read my email. I hadn't really considered the degree to which just reading could be difficult for her, because I'm so steeped, myself, in a life of constant reading and writing, and have very little truck with videos or TV shows or image-based social media. (I like Reddit discussions because of how in-depth they can get with people actually linking to peer-reviewed journal articles!)

Another notable thing about the conversation was that I think she has adopted a style of "pushing" dialogue from her couples counseling therapist. We were talking about "reasonable accommodation" type things that I thought could help me manage triggers better, like not putting me and Clive both on group emails where people were hitting reply-all. And then she was like, well, you're asking for these things from us, but what are YOU doing to fix this within yourself. She was so relentless with this pushing that I quickly just started to feel bullied. Of course, I can't just bootstrap myself out of PTSD or magically cure myself through force of will. The whole reason it's a disorder and I went through two years of therapy for it recently is because the normal things like trying to distract yourself or think positively aren't enough to combat the symptoms, which can be overwhelming and intensely physical, like my panic attacks. She doesn't know anything about PTSD, as she freely admitted, yet kept pushing me on how I was planning to cure myself to be all better and stop having to ask for anything from her the others. She was doing it with the best of intentions, as she said, but just, the style of it was so aggressive, it wasn't helpful and just made me feel attacked and like she was putting all these unrealistic expectations on me.

Then she told me she had been doing the same thing to Tofer for the past year. All I could think was, poor Tofer, that was traumatizing to me for just the half hour she was doing it - imagine being so aggressively grilled like that on a regular basis for a year, by someone you're living with, and trying to have a healthy marriage with. Yikes.

One of the things I finally offered, trying to answer her "pushing" questions, was "I could give you space." And she said, with a bit of a sneer, "You might have noticed that Tofer and I have been taking some space." And I nodded and said, "Yeah, and I have been, too." That seemed to shock her a little, like she hadn't considered that it was two-sided, and I had been pulling away from them in response to them treating me so coldly. And I said, "Look, I'm not telling you have to do these reasonable accommodation type things. It's just options. If you don't want the distance." Again, she kind of flinched at that, like she hadn't understood that what I was really doing was trying to set some boundaries, and if those didn't get respected, I would continue pulling back from the friendship. But I looked her in the eye and held firm.

At the end she said she was really glad we'd gotten to talk. And, thinking it had gone well, I asked, So then, do you still want to be friends? And she said, "I'm willing to work on trying to rebuild this." It wasn't the unambiguous reassurance I had been hoping for. So I was left, on the whole, feeling that I probably wouldn't be reaching out to her any time soon, and would just wait and see if I heard from her, but wouldn't hold my breath. But, I do think it was good that we talked. I always learn valuable things when I have these kinds of conversations. Like, I learned she was dealing with some heartbreaking things with another friend of hers who had early-onset dementia. I got to understand a little better where she was coming from. And at least we left the door for further rapprochement, maybe someday.

Next up is a conversation with Tofer the day after tomorrow. I'm dreading that too, especially as Liesl said I couldn't expect him to be as nice to me about things as she was. Given how I felt bullied by her pushing, if he was going to be even less nice, yikes. But she might be lacking perspective and think she was nicer than she was, not realizing how the pushing comes across. So, while I don't expect any breakthroughs with Tofer, I plan to try to do the active listening thing with him and evaluate the degree to which friendly acquaintanceship remains a possibility, based on how the interaction makes me feel. I'll try to go into with an open mind and learn what I can, and also be cautious and protect myself from any further bullying, and be firm with setting and sticking to boundaries.

I love creativity, but growing up I never really had a chance to explore it all. Now in college I have the chance to, and part of the problem is there’s just too much I want to do, but all of it takes years of work and it’s so easy to just… stop, but I want to learn comedy and magic and creative writing and music and art and dance and so much more!!!

Yesterday my grandparents took me to see Back to the Future: the Musical, and the acting, designs, music, dance, writing, and everything about it was so so amazing, and just rejuvenating my dream of being part of some kind of creative community, even if it’s not as high profile as broadway, so after about a month of depression caused by being overwhelmed, it’s time for a restart!!

Tonight my goal is to finish off the homework I’ve been leaving off, which is writing feedback for my classmates in creative writing class: 3 people’s short stories to read and answer the questions, and then complete at least 3 assignments of astronomy class that have been piling up. As a reward for homework milestones I will also begin to craft my costume for Dragonsteel Nexus convention in about a month, which is super super exciting!!! I will update tomorrow with my progress on my goals, and hopefully keep writing here every day. See you tomorrow, future me!

Bombed a midterm. Got a C on a paper. Despite this, I don’t feel much and thats the problem. I rationalize instead of feel. Emotion is the driver of change and I cannot feel enough in order to cross that threshold. I regret not putting in my full effort before I came here. I’m not prepared. I do the bare minimum. The only time where emotion has actually driven action was when I nearly got rescinded. Despite that, I still procrastinated. I went to therapy but that didn’t make much if any difference. I procrastinate to such a large extent. I could be so much better if I had control over myself. I don’t even know how I managed to get in but I’m so grateful that I did. I have an unusually high amount of ambition for someone so incompetent. I want to get better but every day I keep falling for meaningless distraction. At least I’m eating healthy and working out regularly now. I have a routine at least. I spend nearly all my time at the library without actually studying. Instead I get distracted, every time I try to get work done I cannot focus. Meditation seems like the only solution. My brain is wired to be distracted.

Every day I check my linkedin. I compare myself to others. It used to be a source of motivation but now it’s a source of distraction. I’ve become obsessed with prestige. I thought I’d be satisfied here but I’m not. I want to go to Harvard for grad school. I need to get better. I keep having delusions of grandeur. I daydream about being in a position of power and having the ability to create positive change in the world. I want to attain status and wealth. That comes first, being altruistic comes second. I’ve rationalized selfishness and I’m conflicted with morals. I want the reward without putting in the work. The amount of work allocated does not matter, the only thing that does is the reward. I want to improve. All of my desires are based on logic, I don’t know what I want. When I think about my purpose, it only appears in my conscious mind. It never goes to the unconscious. I cannot use it as a driver if it’s not in the unconscious. I can’t both do work and be thinking about my purpose simultaneously. I’m tired.

in my case you can't make anyone like you. I haven't felt so rejected and ugly in so long and let me tell you I didn't miss the feeling.

It sucks when the person you thought could be your friend basically rejected you (probably because you were too annoying). I should've never gotten my hopes up. Never again. I'm just going to automatically assume people dislike me when they meet me from now on haha.

Said person who rejected me once told me "people come and go for various reasons. No reason to miss out on knowing a piece of them." and he's right but I wish I could've known him longer. But at least I have that piece and I'll never forget him as long as I live.

All I can do now is hope I find someone who will accept me the way I am. I just hope they're as interesting (but that's not necessarily a requirement to be my friend haha).

I think for nothing. It's useless, thinking won't help me. I am living and experiencing this life nonetheless. I want simple things. Oh, who doesn't want simple things?

Some people die suddenly, like in a car crash. Life can end, just like that. It's so absurd that it's funny. Life can be considered, in a very justifiable way, a mistake. Humans barely made it. Life in the distant past, without modern medicine and technology, was barely livable. Tooth ache? Broken leg in the forest, all alone? Some disease? Gone. Miserable life, hungry and cold for a few years, then gone. And for the unlucky ones in underdeveloped countries, some of these things are still a reality.

Life can be seen through so many lenses, depending on how you feel. And one can feel so many ways. The weight of the universe can be felt on one's shoulders, you just got to be conscious of it. Though, chaos and pain are way more prevalent than happiness and wellbeing. Suffering is the norm. You suffer, then you die.

It hurts. Life hurts. Do what you can. Maybe there is hope.

I just moved to LA for a job. I miss fall. I didn’t think I’d think about it so much. When chills thrill my body, a new phase of the year begins. I think I’m now just realizing how in-tune I am with the world around me. With nature and all of its gifts. I’m not spiritual - but I sense life, ebbing and flowing through the lands. I miss being in touch with the changing of seasons. That is what is natural. That is what is right. And being in LA makes it hard to feel like I’m on the same planet I grew up on. When I was younger I wanted the summer to last forever. I wanted to see the sun over and over again, to deliver that feeling I had back as a child while playing with my neighbors, riding bikes to the nearest parks. I wanted to relish sitting on benches in a sprawling field, listening to the cicadas in the bushes sing. I wanted more to life, to escape. But now that I’m finally gone, I realize what I’m missing. And it’s painful - because I just know that if I go back to that life, I’ll want to escape all over again. It’s this cycle of nostalgia, the inability to let go, dreams and wonder all colliding at once and it’s making me lose my mind.

Shit man, I really could be me this whole time, huh? The past year has done so much good to me. I've been riding some wild highs and following them up with some devastating lows. It's all finally worth it now though!

Transitioning has done so much to allow me to break through illogical inhibitions and to do what I want. I've built support groups that are genuinely here for me now. I care about myself and want to do what I can to make sure the life I live is one I am proud and excited to live!

This past few months even I have moved into my own place, I have gotten medicated for ADHD, prescribed medication to help my PTSD nightmares, found community, switched to injections and have never stopped advocating for what I need in my transition, and finally have started experiencing life as I always have wanted to do.

Recently I had the most severe PTSD episode I've ever had. Instead of being by myself and wanting to die, I had friends who came to support me and help me through it. A year ago I could hardly imagine I could deserve people who care about me. I am so happy I can accept being happy and that I can be content with having bad moments because I have support.

I am able to work consistently, I drink safely and without fear, I fucking swear now, I can support myself, and it is all so good. I'm starting to see the value people attribute to me. I'm able to find value in aspects of myself without any reassurance.

I still have difficulties, but now I am motivated to get past them and to work hard to make things better and easier for myself in this life. I've had my share of suffering, it is time to thrive now :)

Maybe I'll be here a year from now with even better news!