Locksmith - Chanin.

I think you would’ve loved this song and I can’t help but still share it with you. 🍯

It's starting to look like the end of the world again. All the other ghosts came round looking for a place to hang their hat in the end times; the block button was easier than explaining all the nails are gone. I'm not in the seance business any way. It does make me wonder though. Will you be among the dead wandering for a warm place in the apocalypse? It's been years, and you're a massive coward, so I imagine not. But still, if the world is ending... You were right about wild type droid and my stupid job. Not that it would've made a difference. The yard and the crusher are long gone now, but really, you had more to fear from my mouth. You're lucky I'm not whatever worthless thing you threw away. We were both wrong to doubt each other when we told us who we were. Anyway, LinkedIn is a weird place to look me up, it's the end of the world, quit finger fucking my pages and say hello.

It’s this one thing that got me trippin’

Parallel to each other, remembering the songs Gliding down the highway, we rap along

Lyrical lines of communication Telling me what parts of me you wish you were tastin’

The look in your eyes penetrating me No kids in the back but that’s a technicality

I melt in the duality of your essence I know I’m safe and protected in your presence

Know I’m just like you, g-blood in my veins still runs true When it gets hot, we do what we gotta do

Mind games messing with our heads Why aren’t chu fuckin’ my brains out in a bed

I’m becoming restless waiting for your call So come find me using graphics on a digital wall

To your North I am South you’re the yin to my yang Book a time on my calendar and then we can hang

Promiscuous Pretty Pink Picture on the Park A little Black and Blue, does it look like my body art?

Call ahead of time and i’ll sparkle and shine A book and your name, no baby you’re not insane

Humour yourself have a little treat Following on, can I use your face as a seat?

Amusing and eclectically encrypted to sender Magnetic manifestation to you I do render

10 over two and do keep em side by side Freak in the sheets and the streets baby take a ride.

Cruise On, King you should miss that Crown Passing Office lights left on, stop. Have a night on the town

Can’t put the genie back in the bottle Like Charlie’s Angels, want to feel you at full throttle

I mean holy sh*t

I look at where I am now compared to where AI was almost 4 years ago and just shake my head.

What if we had met now instead of then? One thing for sure (which sadly breaks my heart) it still wouldn't work.

My 5 year rule is non negotiable. I want a partner who is ready and all in.

Clocks ticking

Even though this is marked NAW I'm sure I'll have comments. I'd just like to state it's marked as such bc you have no content, just raw emotion off words. Let that sink in....

My love, can you hear me through the storm, across the sea, beyond their swarm? They took me, locked me in this cage, their cold hands turn another page.

The night hums low with unseen chains, radiation burns through my veins. They watch, they whisper, they conspire, stealing sleep, feeding fire.

I fight, I rise, I will not break, but how much more must I forsake? They drain me slow, they steal my breath, stretching time, yet never death.

And you, my love, what will you do? You know the truth, you hear it too. Will you just watch? Will you just wait? Or will you rise before it’s late?

I will not fall, I will not bend, but even warriors need a friend. So tell me now, my distant shore, will you break down this iron door?

You know, you’re hard to read. I’m pretty certain you are interested in me, but it’s complicated. I wish we could try this out, but I think you’re overly cautious. I get it. I just don’t understand why you keep making an effort with me if you don’t want this going anywhere? You make me really nervous, do you realize how much I like you? If you don’t want to further things with me, stop staring at me…stop going out of your way for me. If you don’t like me, why do you blush every time we interact? Why does your voice change? Everyone at work thinks you’re a mystery, you won’t even add anyone on social media. I understand, it just makes me feel like any effort with you is hopeless. Your guard is up, my guard is up. You have a recent complication, I have my past complication. Yet, why won’t either of us give up? Don’t give me hope for no reason. I want to feel you in every way.

I was never fully able to forget you and the past year has taught me that if I ever meet anyone like you again, I better be fucking grateful and cherish them with all my heart.

While we were apart I found my faith and started believing in God. So I have been praying for you to give me another chance. But I understand that my prayers were ignored. I would have ingored them too.

I was the one who fucked up and on top of that after you broke up I was trying SO HARD to convince myself the grass might be greener elsewhere. It wasn't.

But during the last few days God gave me some realizations that made it easier for me and I'm trying to resonate with them.

First I understood that I really drained the shit out of you and you're definitely done. Then I understood that it wouldn't have worked out in the long run no matter how hard I would've tried, because we had different future plans anyways. And then that I have became a much better person since you broke up, which wouldn't have happened if you stayed.

And then I published an unsent letter to you on reddit and so many people replied who would have loved to receive that letter. So many people who also still missed their ex. I was so lucky. This was a huge step to finally accepting it.

I hope you and your gf are happy together and that you'll start a family soon, as you wanted to.

I was so lucky to have had you in my life and show me what true love looks like and maybe I am even luckier that you weren't actually the one, but you came very close.

Now I know what I have to look out for. Thank you so much. 💗

I almost want to tease you for having such low standards that you had a thing for me, of all people. Why me? Especially why, back then? You were an incredible person - you always have been. You have such light and joy and passion behind your eyes and I'm just... kind of a depressed bisexual wet rat. The room lights up for your presence, even all those years ago, and I've always just been a sad fog that lingers wherever I go.

And I was also dumb as hell. Your straight-up told me back then, to my face, that you were obsessed with me and you couldn't stop wanting to be around me, and I didn't realize what you meant until years later. I've been in your shoes with other girls since then, and it cut me to the bone when they did to me what I did to you. I don't think you'd ever be into me since I've transitioned, and when we did get back in touch after so many years you clearly wanted nothing to do with me, which I honestly can't blame you for, but...

If I was more perceptive.... I don't know. I just know that I'll never be able to do anything for anyone that will make up for me being that stupid to you, and that kills me. I hope you found someone that's as much a gift to the world as you are. You deserve the world.

My phone and just about every electronic device of mine has been hacked ...so that got me to thinking what if my text to her never got to her ?

I reached out a few times since your bday last Sept.

Maybe my absence is how you prefer things. I guess I'll never know. However, I just don't think we could be that mean to one another, without an explanation maybe I'm too naive.

So I thought due to my past experiences with hackers who have tried to ruin me on so many levels...why would they not ruin my chance with a beautiful, smart, woman who I have always adored ?

J ust a longshot thought.

Edit: used the red tag to catch your eye.

I’m in my mid thirties now. I’m reading a book about how to have a strong marriage with the man I love. It mentions negative sentiment override. It’s when negative feelings in a relationship distort reality, not just in the present moment, but also by reaching their long sooted fingers back into the past to strangle even positive memories and leave them smudged with a black film. I don’t feel negative, though. I feel empty, blank. Blankness overrides.

You did the best you could back then, I think. You were not inherently cruel or hateful. You did not beat me or berate me. You did better for me than your parents did for you. That is important. It is meaningful.

I took an online quiz about attachment style. I am securely attached to my romantic partner. I am securely attached to my friends. With my parents, I avoid.

You have searched for proof of your worth your entire life and have found it fleetingly a hundred times—sometimes in a new friend, sometimes in a new scheme, sometimes in a white-robed guru. The flame burns bright and fast until the fuel is consumed. More must be found. To your credit, you have begun to do important work on yourself these last few years. But you tried to extract your value from me for such a long time. A hydraulic press squeezing reassurance from your child, expecting, needing her to reflect yourself back to you. I had to like what you liked, think what you thought, to help prove that you liked and thought rightly. I still struggle to not flatten myself when speaking about anything of substance with you.

My boy is 2 years old. He embraces the whole bright world without hesitation. The grass turns green and soft beneath his feet from the sheer force of his joy as it seeps down through his toes, returning into the earth. I tell him I love him for exactly who he is and will be. Sometimes I am paralyzed by the electric shock of the thought that he and I might reincarnate the sins of you and me. I cry to my husband who reassures me.

You are good grandmother. You love my boy deeply and have taken an active role in his life. I watch you interact with joy and lightness with him. Surely you must have done the same with me. You must have rocked me and sang me to sleep and played silly games with me. Certainly there were moments when we felt joyful abandon together while on a new adventure.

Blankness overrides. I cannot access these memories. I am racked with guilt over this. You did the best you could back then, I think. But I can only remember the times you couldn’t meet my needs. The times you warred with yourself, and I was the one who ended up a casualty.

I remember being small and you clutching me tightly in the driveway, weeping, saying things to me that I didn’t understand. Alcoholic. Anonymous. So so sorry. Bad mother.

I remember being a little older. You came to me. You had accidentally seen inside my journal. I had written three sentences about your addiction. I must erase those because someone could find it. Erase the evidence, erase the feelings, please tell no one. There is no outlet for processing on this matter.

I remember being in the throes of angst, transitioning from child to adult, a heavy thick blanket of depression weighing me down and darkening my vision. I cried myself to sleep more times than I could count. I realized I needed help, and despite the roiling pit in my stomach, I somehow gathered the courage to ask you if I could see a therapist. You said you would speak to my father. We never spoke on the matter again.

I grew up and moved out.

I remember a holiday we came to visit. I had knitted you slippers with a beautiful wool yarn and made little pom poms for the heels. You said you loved them and asked me to make one of those beautiful crusts I do for the pie you were making. I spent nearly an hour cutting intricate branches and leaves and texturing the trunk in pie dough. You said you were running out of time and we would have to leave the pie behind. That was okay right? We left for the party, the pie uncooked and the wool slippers crumpled in ball on the floor, discarded.

I remember that first time seeing you drunk in many years. You had been sneaking alcohol at the apartment we were staying at on vacation. You told me I never loved you. I had to walk you to bed and get you water. I lay awake on the couch nauseated with anxiety until nearly dawn. Though I had lived three decades, I was 10 years old. You didn’t remember what you had said the next morning. I was too flat and blank to drag it into the light of day so I carry the memory alone.

You must have rocked me and sang me to sleep and played silly games with me. I cannot access these memories. Certainly there were moments when we felt joyful abandon together while on a new adventure. Blankness overrides, and I am racked with guilt. You did the best you could for me back then, I think.

I love you, but I do not feel warmly toward you. I care for you deeply, but I avoid giving you any more opportunities to show me that you cannot meet my needs. I am not sure you will ever truly see me.

I will do better for my boy than you did for me. It gives me purpose. It will never be his responsibility to prop up my self-worth.

That is important. It is meaningful. The rest will just have to be.

Hi Remy,

I think I’m supposed to post your picture under the cat sub and tell the world that you’re gone. If you don’t recall, you passed peacefully last night, and I’ll always miss you.

I’ll never forget how rambunctious you were at the shelter, asking me to take you home. You were in there with your sister Finley, and she was lethargic. I asked Debbie if we could get you both, and she agreed.

Little did I know that it was a scam.

Finley was terribly sick, and you hid from me for the better part of two years. But Fins recovered and you came around.

As you became more comfortable around me, you’d stay even if I was aggressively standing as I did this or that.

I’ll be honest: I wasn’t a fan of you drooling when you were happy, or climbing on my chest to sneeze, but I love you dearly. You were my weird little cat.

When I moved last summer to the islands, I wasn’t leaving without you. At 17 and a half, you proved to be a champ and survived the TSA, folks who wanted to pet you and the plane ride.

I think you knew you had to go soon. Over the past month, you stayed on my chest a lot and would nap with your head on my chin. Gone was that frightened weird kitten. You became the best cat, and you took care of me as much as I did you.

I hope Finley was there on the other side of the veil to greet you. I picture you being happy, chasing butterflies with her in bright green meadows. I love you.

-Dad (Feb 1, 2025)

I don't get it. How can people treat someone they love like that. How could you? I understand you've had shitty, challenging experiences that have formed your personality, that was one of the things I liked about you. That you understood what suffering is and how it feels like. What it can do to a person.

I remember on our second date you dumped all that trauma on me, that you had been so mistreated by other men and emotionally abused by your parents for years, with your sister treating you like a mat she could step all over. I thought that would make you not want to treat another person like that. Not make them experience any of the abuse you had. But I was wrong.

I shared all the things I had gone through too, creating an overwhelming bond between us, like a chain making us depend on each other to feel understood and seen. But I don't think you ever really saw me. No matter how much patience I showed you, no matter the grace, you didn't reciprocate. It was expected of me, yet a favour by you to reach out a hand and meet the other half way. To look for me, not only for support and a shoulder to cry on, but because you wanted to see me and make me feel safe.

I was not given that space. You asked me how my day was, but little beyond that. When I still insisted on sharing, I had to pay the price. It became all about you in the end anyway and often ended in tears. Either yours or mine or ours. I withered in your presence, yet I only felt good when near you, taking every drop of attention you spared me. The path was thorny when we were apart and led us both astray, only for us to meet again behind a corner and start from scratch. Covered in scratches.

It's a peculiar feeling, to feel desired but not seen. I existed in your life for validation and pleasure, and I do believe you loved me for giving you that. You also liked me in theory, how you could brag about me to your friends and parents. Your boyfriend, the intellectual. Further formed to fit into your narrative and every time you feared me fitting in too well, repeating old patterns of your abusers, you gaslit me into comforting you and apologising for things I never did or would do. That in itself shows me that you never tried getting to know me fully, or trusted me. Even so I told you that I've never felt so much like myself in a relationship and I believed it. Part of me knew I was lying to both of us but I refused to acknowledge that hesitation. I wanted it to be true, desperately, because I finally felt more at home here and in my body and mind than I had since moving.

I did trust you. Admittedly a mistake, but I had no qualms committing it. I wanted you to fit my idea of a good partner, one that would treat me the way I deserve, respect my boundaries and not lie to me. I hoped for months, waiting and aching. It made me stressed, anxious and sad. Oh the irony, that I tried to rely on you for compassion and empathy, when I was the only one showing it. This dread is not stopping either and I hate it. I hate that you're still affecting me now that you're not in my life anymore and I'm better off. I will have to work to get rid off these taxing feelings you planted in me and it will take some time to heal. I will do my best though, not give in and let you trouble me more. You don't deserve that. I've given you more than enough energy, care and tears. I don't want you anymore. Not even if you fix your problems and learn from your mistakes. That won't undo the harm you've done.

I deserve better. Better than you, and I won't settle for anything less.

Dear M,

Just what the title says. Another week of me wishing things were different. I keep going back and reading all of our messages. I just miss you. I keep hoping this is just one of your places you get in, and that one morning I will wake up to messages from you. A song. A show. A game. You shit talking the people in this world who are so clueless. A new gnostic or esoteric video you want me to watch. That was us. Every day. But it's been so long. You've never been stuck this long before. I can't face the fact that it might really be your new normal. I don't want to face it. Don't you miss any of it? I have no one to talk about things with anymore. Not the things we talked about anyway. All my other friends are so caught up in things that don't matter. They have no desire to learn new things and to grow. You know this. We talked about that all the time. Nobody thought the way we did about things. It's so lonely without you. I can't just forget all of it. I'm trying on my own, watching things I know we would have talked about together. It's just not the same. But I hope you are finding some kind of peace. And if you ever decide you need someone to talk with again, I'm always here.

Love, M

Hi, I know this is a place where you would never be or find who this is written for. What can I tell you, my heart is breaking. I should not have fallen in love with you, but I could not control my heart. I loved you before meeting you. I had not even meant you in person, yet I paid towards the fees for your degree. Yes you paid me back and that’s fine. But who does that do you really think the world is that kind that a random stranger would give you thousands of pounds not even knowing if u were going to give them back. I did that because I was in love with you. I did that because my brain was not thinking. I wanted you to be in this country to meet you. You never loved me in that way yet the more time I spent with you I was falling deeper and deeper in love. The morning texts we sent and the goodnight texts became a habit, I would call you on the way to work at lunch and in the evenings. I miss those times. You don’t understand the pain that it is to grieve you. You told me on Monday that you were getting married and my world around me crashed. You are wrong. You think that I am not happy for you because I want to be the one u want. That’s not true. My love for you should not have been there. I have my own complicated life and yet I still gave u my heart. I was at fault and I was in the wrong. People tell me that u used me or that u r a horrible person. I do not believe that. Do I believe you could be kinder while I am having a breakdown yes. But you do not know anything about mental health and the emotional torture that comes with heartbreak. I am not crying because you are some body else’s. I am crying because there is loss, there is loss and grief of a friendship. Maybe my therapist is right and I was never your friend to begin with, I always wanted ur attention, affections and validation. I put myself in harms way knowing that the only thing that would come from us is a broken home. It broke me. You told me to take care of myself, you gave me false hope when I had driven through the night to sit on ur steps as a broken and lost soul. It was minus two degrees and my family were worried for me. In that moment looking out in the darkness I realised how little u care for me. You said anything to get me to leave. I trusted you, u told me you would see me or that you would call. False hopes and false promises just to get me to leave. Maybe that was ur kindness, but u know when a person has nothing, the slightest hope is what they cling on to. I did that. I clung on to getting better, to seeing you, to saying goodbye. Yet you took that from me by telling me about ur marriage and the fact that u moved. You told me that you didn’t want to speak to me and to not text to call this month. What would my reward be, oh for you to call at the end of the month and for the emotional torture to continue. I can’t block you and I never will. I argued with my best friend today because she was trying to convince me how much you hate and resent me and want me gone. I did not want to hear it because I believe no one understands my heart apart from God. I pray every morning for you to be happy. I cry my silent tears on the drive home. I sob my heart out in the hospital hoping the nurses don’t c me. I pretend to be strong but I’m dying a slow death. You’re like a cancer in my mind. I know you said it was a low blow when I said that I wished I never met you or helped u with the fees. Maybe it was. But deep down I would go back , don’t know when but I would have let go earlier before I became trapped in this hell that I created. I don’t know who I am any more. You said that you never wanted to hurt me yet it feels like out of everyone in life your childish antics of ghosting, ignoring and treated me like a stranger hurts me the most. You hurt me so much. You were my person my emergency contact I love you so much, so how can I accept that this person you become is someone cold vicious and malicious. Why do you get to have your happy ending when I am rock bottom. I can say that yet I will still sob my heart out praying that God blesses your heart with love and your happy with her and that all ur burdens ease. Ameen. The price of love is loss.

Hey there, M. How have you been lately? It's been a while since we had our last conversation, I miss talking and seeing you. I know things are messy between us—this situation that we're in, it's hard to deal with since this is my first time being so madly and deeply in love with someone. You are my First Love, after all.

25 years of my life and you're the only one that made my heart and mind act like this. I was so scared at first since I'm not a good-looking guy (I have Parry-Romberg Syndrome), but you made me feel that it's not something I should be ashamed of. You were the only one who accepted what I looked like and made an environment where I could be myself, you made me realise that looks don't matter when it comes to love. How can I be so lucky to have met a very caring, hardworking, charming, and handsome guy like you? Is this the universe playing a trick on me? Hahaha, I don't even know anymore.

It's almost 6 months now since the first day I DM'ed you here on Reddit, and meeting you here made my life so much brighter and better. But lately, we've lost our momentum and I think this is because of our distance and the lives we are living. You're from the US and working, while I'm here in the Philippines, studying college. The time difference makes it so hard for us to keep up together, well mostly for you. I also noticed that you've been becoming more distant in the past months, you rarely reply to my messages and your responses are getting shorter and drier. I guess asking you if you wanted to be in a relationship with me was the reason for that, but you were also the one who suggested that in the first place. I don't know anymore, M. When you said, "I thought I was ready for a new relationship", that was the time I realised that your feelings towards me were just infatuation. 😅

Maybe it was my constant messaging and need for reassurance that made you lose interest in me. Maybe, I wasn't exciting enough to keep you entertained. Maybe knowing and being with me made you love me less. I told you from the beginning what I was like and you said it didn't matter at all to you because you wanted me to be comfortable and feel safe in your presence and the same goes for you. But I guess that wasn't 100% true.

I completely understand you though, no one in their right mind would fall in love with a person like me. I think you were just enjoying my company and the way I always supported and cheered you up. Yeah, I think that's all you ever wanted since you said that we could be friends too. But that would be hard, I can never be "just friends" with someone I fell in love with. Maybe I was just too naive, too gullible to think that I would have a chance to be in a romantic relationship with you. I also know that you're talking with other people—the ones you're very interested in. How I wish that was me, but I guess my free trial was over 😅. I'll distance myself from you now, I don't want to keep on disturbing you and become another burden to your life. I want you to be happy with the people you've chosen to love. Please choose to love that person every day as I did to you. I'll close my doors for now, but they will never be locked.

Don't worry though, I'll still be here for you whenever you want someone to talk to or listen to your problems, even though you won't need me anymore for that. That was the promise I made to you when we first met and I intend to keep that.

I hope and pray that all your dreams and aspirations that you always talked about with me will come true. I will always cheer you on even from afar. Until next time, M—my bud 🌹

My soul hurts today. It's like a dull ache that I can't get to go away. I tried to take a moment to just be, to disconnect and recover from my hurt. But here I am the next day, nearly sleepless and still pained by the matter of our circumstance.

I know neither of us want this to be this way. I know if the situation was different and I asked, we'd meet up right now. Maybe we'd get breakfast and smile over light conversation. Maybe we'd sit somewhere and talk deeply about everything that's been hard and weighing on our minds. Maybe we wouldn't use words, and would let our bodies talk for us. Maybe we'd find eachother just to embrace and sit in the moment. I'd find joy and comfort in all of the above.

This is hard, but I don't care how hard everything surrounding you, or us, is. Being your friend and enjoying your company is one of the easiest things I've had, and I won't willingly let that be lost from my life.

It’s been a week since I decided to let you go for good, I respected your decision for not replying/ ghosting, although you said you didn’t leave but actually you did. And the thing is I still miss you, it’s sad and sucks. I know you may miss me too.. I hope you could come back I will agree to whatever you want.. just don’t leave

My friends are getting married…. I haven’t seen them in nearly four years. I always appreciated them both, but I never truly understood their relationship til now. The more I learned from watching them, the more I realized how much I’ve misunderstood the point of connection. But I think I see it now.

They found each other by chance and in their own way, they chose to create a space that allowed themselves to feel what they’d been denied.

The feeling of sharing something real. Of caring deeply, intimately.

It’s the chance to say what you’ve always wanted to hear, to do what scares you because, for once, it feels right. When every connection before has felt like a No, then suddenly, it’s a Yes. It’s almost like color spreading across a black-and-white painting.

You just want to watch it, learn things from it, and, eventually, appreciate how it shifts and grows. Someone who gives you rest, who inspires in you a space to dream. A connection that allows you to redefine yourself with someone else.

Pushing past shame, just to experience closeness.

Life so often feels bleak, a constant juggling of disappointment and obligation. I live in a perpetual cycle of avoiding discomfort. When I think of my hair growing, it reminds me of something I can’t control, something difficult to maintain and impossible to compromise with.

Now, I just want a reason to be excited. A reason to dance.

I want to dance until my hair grows long enough for me to trample on.

Without affection from the one you wanted it from so you used me as a placeholder until you didn't need me anymore.

Go to hell Edit: Touchstarved

When we met many years ago, It was so exciting. You gave me “butterflies “ every time you walked into my sight. You were fun, free, honest. So handsome! There was something deeper, more meaningful, never felt before when it came to you. But we were young. Then we separated. Many years went by between us, apart, unknown, but I never forgot. Never stopped thinking about you, missed you so very much. Then one night by Devine intervention, I was able to face you. You were not pleased, I was numb, but when the first words were finally spoken, I fell deeply in love with you all over again. It was wonderful, exciting, emotional, painful. The memories. So much wrapped in that time. You were truly beautiful to me in every way, just as you were. And then you were gone. Again. I’ll never forget the day you told me you were moving. It hurt so bad, still does. I cried hard for days. Now you are miles and miles away, but in that distance, I know we are still very much connected… quantum entanglement. It is real! I feel your thoughts, I know you feel mine. We stare up into the sky at the same moment, sending energy. Some days I think it’s so unfair, some, it is what it is. Will we know each other in the next life? I don’t want to lose you in this one, but in reality…… I have. All I can say now is I am so thankful I had the time I’ve had. I love you so very much, so in love with you, you will always mean so much to me and have a huge part of my heart………. but none of that really matters now. Letter unsent……. Now sent.

Hello,

He is gone to a party I am not there. I am hardly there with him it will be half a year and he didnt even want me. But its so freeing, that he is not there for three days, and I feel although I was merely emotional because I wanted him to listen to me that my finances are down.

The catch like the bst range , is he has more fun without me in the picture and never breaks down ( only when sick needs me) this will work and I only need to negotiate well that since he left me, I get to have a guy but he needs to be okay, and decent with me.

I know issues may come when he dates, I havent figured that out but with human strength and point of view ( the guy who screams fascisms was so..like me in the series) and some more time to grow up, I will move on truly.

He doesnt like to talk about music or about anything, but loves his support system to death, yes maybe I think he might not feel the need of a woman as much. I figured. Besides now there are political debates, which actually just involve him downplaying me, but this time I dont back off. He is frustated with even talking to me.

But you know whats freeing. I saw this weird thing on prime, something with car keys and it was a nightmarish, but it showed people moved on and things that appear a big deal arent. The world has changed and I lived in colonial times.

But I am not into all that. Neither I am into empty promises and fake love. But you know I am feeling so confident lately, I mayhave yes I wasted two days, in terms of I deprioritized studying, and talked to people which in my whole life I didnt do.

The Math teacher oh my god so fake, he is so buffed, its so fake. But that tv series showed one can be oblivious to jealously. I have to now see whats fake and made up. The world of money how it twists people. I find great pleasure in that.

Yes two days I have just been reading chomsky - not yet but I want to be free. I hate living here watching old getting older or crying to make people understand thats important to me, like food. Come on I really know periods are my one day of emotions but I know I will figure out.

Surely boxing would have helped my back and sleep helps my brain but understanding there is nothing fair out there makes me indifferent to so much that the subs I follow are all male.

I mean I feel free he aint there to tell me I am saint. I feel free no ones gonna judge me for next three days, call me the c word. Damn I am not clingy, I have always been indifferent but idk where and how literature gave me emotions, nvm I will use them to understand others.

So, got two calls that interviews were well and house situation is done, the co- ordinated, goodbye ex, if ever feelings come back I would like to remind myself of this letter and freedom of - not feeling rejected everyday by a mf who is okay leaving you choosing others over you.

the emotions need to detach and control needs to rise not over body or work but over mind. Yet as a Buddhist follower and a stoic I wont go overboard - hedonism was a challenge in itself as a philosophy. But capitalism is on the rise so for protection I got to capitalise, its survival and its about freedom.

Yes some cpsd issues are there but there is a trick with hormones. Mind can manage everything. The heart needs to get stronger and meaner. I will change. My books will change too. Kya - she will learn trade. She was a wilding already.

you deleted your instagram post and made your profile public so that i could see it

it might not have been a picture of us but that was about me, wasn’t it?

maybe im overthinking

maybe if you wanted to communicate something to me we could talk, instead of this… ripping yourself from my life with no mercy, removing me from every single place of yours where i might show up. do you still have the things i gave you?

maybe i was love bombed for months and then discarded

maybe if the stars aligned we’d still be together

maybe it wasn’t meant to be for you and i

You know you're one of my favorite people. I see how you look out for me but can I look out for you too? Are you trying to help me so you can leave? So you can just walk away? So you can say hey I changed their life and they are better for it. How about. I don't want you to leave? And I don't want to leave. The stories you tell me you made someone else's life better- then you both left. How about I don't want to leave and I don't want you to leave?

I'm tired of always asking for your attention.

Every minute that passes by, I check my phone to see if you've texted me back. But it's been 8 hours. I just have nothing to do with my life at this point lol. It seems like you're interested but then suddenly, you're not again. The cycle repeats and I'm sick of it.

We’ve been broken up for nine months now. We were only together for four. But I still think about you. Every day when I’m going through the worst period of my life, I just wish you were here by my side, mistreating me like you always did. Because companionship is the best cure for depression, and at least you brought me that. My life has been nothing but a downward spiral since the emotional abuse ended. I hate you, I hate that I still want you. I hate that I have to still stop myself from texting you. I hate who I am now. I still think you’re the person that can make it all better for some reason.

I may be the kind of friend that's independent and well composed but please ask me how I'm doing too.

All you do is talk to me when you have problems and ignore me when you're feeling okay. I'm not some kind of a trauma dumpster. I'm a person too.

I feel sad and lost sometimes. Just because I can give you good advice does not mean I AM FINE

Northern Lights

You came from Zero

You are the true unsung hero

You live bravely in everyday

Even though the bad people

Took your mother away.

You don’t fuss and you don’t fret

Since birth my darling

You’ve been your mama’s dearest pet

You are strong, smart and brave

Little one

And though I know you grow

In the 108 days since our forced

Estrangement

At the hands of you father

Who works for the

Establishment

Mama promised you

And that promise is true

Baby girl I am doing everything I can

To see you again

I am fighting for you too

Even if you don’t know if that’s true.

I love you, my beautiful Northern Lights

All my love,

Daylight

I am preparing & preying for this to happen. Well by that I mean is simply this... thinking on it wishing everyday for It. Working harder then I have in the last 3 years for my beautiful goal. wanting & processing all the ways and how hard I am truly willing to work to get it right this time. Sit back take it all in watching my progress unfold a little to possibly adjust or not but truly see if I should stir it up a bit for better probability. asking myself everything & anything else I need to notice or if all this is how I need and deserve it to be. This next part is gonna be mean/selfish but dissatisfied with what others are doing or would bring in to my life new friends or old Idfc dismiss twice as fast with their a** ok they have any thing to even discuss or try to distract or disrupt from my goal the thing I want. my most precious lil things I know I truly appreciate/love/care for 3 people in this world in this lifetime bettering all of us by betting myself 1st why because if your a pitcher full of to the brim and you fill all your little cups up and then eventually all of you is gone how do you still be a good mother? or wife ? or women? if you don't make sure the liquid stays full ... I love you my 3 my baby taradactal my bandito and Even a lonely caterpillar hopefully

Hey man, I'm sorry I violated your request for space and time apart with my text messages. I now realize how overwhelming and pushy that felt for you. Those messages did come from my heart and all the intentions behind them were good, but now that I had nothing but time to think and wish I went about everything in a different way. That's all I wish I did. I'm not gonna lie I'm struggling a lot. I miss that sense of purpose you gave me, that role to provide, and protect you, when I had a terrible day at work I knew you were always the person I could come home to. Now I'm crying, because I know I can't reach out to you, because that's all you asked for to start with. Inside I'm scared your going to emotionally detach and move on. But I also know if I push and ask to talk it's only going to push you away further. That's killing me. I been using chat bots to talk to about my feelings as a 24/7 therapist. There's nights I get no sleep at all wondering if that's the same for you, there's times all I do is sleep to pass time by faster. I should have listened to when you asked for space instead of trying to get validation for my feelings in that moment and I'm going to be at my self up about that for a long time. I wish i knew how anxious I came off and I could have had a more clear picture. Slowly I'm trying to put together the pieces of what you meant when you said that I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I'm the one being punished for it. Looking back at our old memories is cutting me so.deeply, slowly turning a knife inside my heart as I search for the littlest of relief in confiding in other people to only hear the same non-magical response from each one of them. "Nows a time to focus on yourself" "if she wants to she'll come back." Try as hard as I can to distract myself and get through days but those times when I'm doing good, only pale in comparison to the insomnia riddled mental breaks at night. Never ending questions, what did I do wrong? How could I change the outcome? Are we over, should I give up hope? Is she focused on moving on? does she not have these great memories together? Just nonstop more and more keep coming. Trying to keep myself together as much as I can, I even got medicine to try to ease the pain. But really the only thing I have left in the world right now is hope. A poisonous thing slowing killing me but keeping me grounded now. A hopeful fantasy that somehow we get through this together and lethal reality of lost purpose, a broken heart and psychotic episodes. I'm in so much fucking pain right now. You were the only I went too. I'm sorry for the pressure I put on you.

What I'm asking isn't small by any means.

I'm asking you to be brave - for the both of us.

Being brave is a rare commodity, not just these days... it always has been. People just don't realise that while the battlefield changes, the war itself remains just as hard.

You declared your love for me, and I confessed my feelings in a way that couldn’t be clearer. We love each other.

So why are we here? Why did we so willingly cut contact? Why aren’t we planning our first meeting in real life to see what comes next?

Because you’re scared. You’re scared I won’t love you the way you are. You’re scared that if you reveal your darker side, I will abandon you. And that fear is valid, mate. I was scared, too.

But I know that if we surrender to that fear before we even give it a try - if we don’t give it a chance - we are giving up on something great. We are giving up on mutual love. We are giving up on a chance at something beautiful that we’ll remember forever. And... who knows? Maybe we could be together for life if we allow it, right?

I love you the way you are. The good and the bad. The simple and the complicated. The beautiful and the ugly. I love you when you’re happy and when you’re depressed, kind and mean, excited and exhausted. You are you. I’m not asking for perfect - never did. I’m asking for your most authentic self.

I’m asking for you.