You told me to permanently move on, but considering how that's been said before and yet we reunite to only do it again... I'm unsure of what the truth in this is.

I always thought that love was a poison that would be shoved down my throat one day. I don't feel like my parents truly love one another, my entire family is filled with failed marriages, and considering how my male family members have treated me... I feel like I've been damned since birth.

I had a dream as a teenager, that "faceless man" dream where I had a beautiful daughter. She was young, maybe 6, and she looked just like my younger sister as a girl. Wow was she beautiful. I stood at the counter baking desserts and she ran up to me with the most pleasant sparkle in her eyes. She jumped into my arms and told me about her day.

Then he walked in the door, he was dressed in business work attire and his face was blurred. Nicely groomed hair and walked straight to me and kissed our daughter and I on the cheeks.

In this dream I had, I was with this "faceless man" as I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I lived 7 years of my life in this dream. Of excitement, fear, curiosity, and love. I was scared. I didn't want her to face what I did as a young girl and most of all, I wanted her to know she was loved, wanted, prioritized, and special. Everything I felt I was not. But as she came into the light and I raised her with this man... I felt such love.

When I woke up I cried. My daughter was gone. I won't lie when I admit that I thought of ending my life following this. I wanted to be back with her and to take care of her. My reality was too painful and the idea of ever having a child with a man who didn't hurt me as most men have seemed impossible.

But when you'd walk your fingers across my shoulder in science class and hum Frank Sinatra. And as you made a fool of yourself out of anxiety and fear. And as you stared into my eyes under the streetlights infront of you home in my car. I felt was love was.

I get so confused whether to contact you. I take my past dating experiences as guidelines to what is and what's not appropriate, and for me to contact you when you tell me to move on and as you tell me we shouldn't be friends... Only to tell me you wish that I did? Absolute confusion for me. I am trying to be respectful of your boundaries and life but you tell me otherwise and I don't know what to do.

You used to sit on the phone with me for hours as I sobbed when I had my mental health crisis as a teenager. You were the only one to know of its beginnings. With our Google slides and countless docs, I felt like I knew you inside out yet in person it was like a blanket of fear separated us. I hated that blanket.

In social studies, when we sat smack dab in the middle of the room in an island of two desks and our teacher joked about inviting him to our wedding. Do you remember that? Your face got more red than a tomato and you slid back with your desk. I could tell you wanted to dissappear. In that moment, I envisioned what our wedding would look like.

Then you used to offer for us to run away, of course... I would have to catch up on movies around the topic. I used to daydream of our lives if we chose that route in middle school.

Do you still taste blood in your mouth when you run?

I feel like you think I see you as some perfect person and that you always keeping me at a steep distance protects me from "you". I see and I know, atleast what I've been able to know of you, what you seem to be going through and I can see how you struggle.

I don't love you because I project a potential version of you that you'll never be or because I see you as someone you're not.

But, I love you because my entire time knowing you.. You have shown me what love is. You taught me forgiveness, you showed me God's mercy and divine justice, you made me laugh, cry, and hate you at times. But most of all, you saw me as no one else ever has. You allowed me to see over the wall into your life.

I have always wanted to do more for you somehow, but I'm always afraid that you'd judge me or see me in a different sense. Our entire relationship has been like one huge game of hide-and-seek. I don't know if I should keep playing.

I love you and you know this and you know everyone I've dated I've eventually left because they weren't you. But if I keep my eyes focused on another opening for us I feel like I am abandoning everything. I can't change your mind and I shouldn't barge in and constantly text you to see if you have. We are both adults and it's not my place to fix you. I don't want to do that, I just want to be beside you whilst you work on that.

I never know exactly what to say to you when you tell me about your suicidal tendencies because what I have to say doesn't involve words. It's all just one big long hug. But I never see you and I haven't in a long time.

I feel that the longer I wait the more I disrespect myself. You know I am having health problems and have been for 12 months, I have been told many things which should concern everyone. I've almost died from my health this year, I've had people cry infront of me from what's happened in fear that I'll die soon, and I've lost hope as I grow weaker, get smaller, and fall into deeper hibernation.

If you truly cared for me. Ever. You would care right?

You wouldn't just say Goodbye? You would show worry would you not? I'm doing a disservice to myself if I stay here this heartbroken over you if the prospect of an early ending of me doesn't atleast strike some cord.

I'm at a loss. But I know you hide your emotions and I never know the truth of them till months or years later. So I'm working up a storm over bad communication.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I see the doctor in 2 days. He's testing for some dreadful things. I miss you and I hope you know I care a lot more than it may seem in our far and few conversations.

Please stay safe and know you always have someone rooting for you. Even if you never hear me.

• Door Rival

You absolutely made my entire day!😭 You're so stunning and your outfit was so cool!! I'm sorry it was so hectic, so much was going on with work today lol. I wanted to compliment your outfit too but I turned around and you were gone 😅

Thank you for making my day!!☺️💛

I kept wanting to give it another chance. I felt bad about sort of blowing up on you and getting like that so I wanted to make it up, but you're not worth it. You don't see me as worthy of your time and affection. You don't seem to like me. You don't seem to want to spend any time with me. So fine, I'll accept it. I'm letting go. I'm not waiting for you anymore. What you did was a jerk move. I'm not mad or upset, just extremely disappointed in you and in myself for thinking you could've gotten better.

It's time I've set myself free. I've tried a lot, you just don't want me.

Goodbye C.

The first time I said something about people calling you a “nickname” (just a shorter version of your name), you blew up. It almost turned into a huge fight. You said “I hate that people do that. It’s not my actual name.” So on and so on…. But now we aren’t together…. Now it’s okay?? What the actual hell???

I picked "stranger" because no other flair was accurate but maybe its the most fitting - you are a stranger to me after knowing you for 7 years, and i hope i never have cause to know you again. You dont know what you have done to people. You have caused so many problems for my life and you'll never know, because i am a coward and not as brave as the person who reported you. I cant access treatment Im entitled to because you played your stupid games with my life and basically falsified my medical records. The thing is, im sure you dont think you've acted wrongly. The rules never applied to you. And the way you communicated how your relationship went with other patients convinces me you know nothing of the damage you do. How dare you complain about a rape, incest and trauma survivor making you "uncomfortable" just because you dont know how to set boundaries. I hope this last year's suspension has been very stressful to you. I hope you lost your hair, you vain man. And i hope you get struck off so you cant hurt more people ever again.

I wish you would say sorry and actually mean it. I wish you could apologize without blaming me for everything that went wrong. I wish you would own up to the things you did. I wish you wouldn’t use my mental illness against me. I wish you would acknowledge and work on your own. I wish you would tell people the truth: you hit me first. You choked me. You pushed me. Tell everyone that it’s happened several times. Tell everyone that you tricked me into thinking I asked for it, that I forced your hand.

If you don’t say it, I’ll never be sure it wasn’t really my fault.

we were never supposed to be together

the stars never aligned.

but our fates were always intertwined

and we chased the idea of forever.

step by step we waded

into the glorious ocean of us.

but suddenly the floor gave out

and into the dark we faded.

time and time again we tried

until we had nothing left to give.

but we could never be an “us”

we know that, yet we’ve lied

to ourselves, and to each other,

it’s hurt more than helped

still i’m not sure i’m ready

to give my heart to another.

so we’ll walk down these streets

and say nothing when our eyes meet

but i’ll always remember you

one way or another

and life will go on

one thing after another

strangers with memories

oh look at what we’ve become

my heart is a storm

maybe someday i’ll find peace

until then i will smother every emotion belonging to you

i will lock out the beasts

threatening to break this cage i have put myself in

trapped until from you i am released

i will love you until i am incapable of the feeling

until you are nothing more

than someone i once knew

only then can i begin anew

Everything rattles here. I'm rocking, back and forth.  
Drowning in sunlight, behind blue curtains.  

Sitting here, I'm trying to understand, trying to solve this equation. I'm shifting perspectives, but I feel stuck, so stuck.  
Calculations, cold cognition. Emotions abstracted, wrapped in words and metaphors. Searching for meaning... But still, this equation has too many unknowns.

I miss you, and I miss your perspective on this.
Your variables, your influences. Your thoughts and feelings.  

The skin on the back of my neck burns; I still feel your fingertips, as if they're stroking me, even now.  

Tell me, where did I miscalculate?  
Which variable between us was a blind spot?  
Where did I add when I should have subtracted?  

I don't need time, I need answers. Answers that go back in time. To understand the connections, the faults, the facts. To dissect this question mark between us.  

Tell me, what are the mathematics of loss?  

Your help is needed, but I know you won't come back. You haven't answered, and I'm ready to shut the door completely. But I'm leaving it ajar, for now, in case your feelings still want to slip through, under the rose...  

There are facts I can't and won't cross out, can't put in brackets. They glow, and they throw this entire equation off balance, blending into unsolvable memories.  

It meant so much. It was art. We made art.  
You are art.  
And together, we were art. Each moment, a masterpiece. Each moment, raw and pure life. Home.  

Maybe I've been deluding myself all this time. But no one deludes themselves in the midst of an exhibition, in the heart of nature.  

Home. I can still hear your deep sighs, every time we were alone. Like a carpet you laid out for us, where the weight of the day slipped from our shoulders and fell away. And I felt it, so vividly, how deeply you came to rest, with me, with us, and I with you. 
Surreal, otherworldly. The rapture, in total calmness.
How we danced with our words, how our bodies danced, as if they had never done anything else. As if they were made for it: forward, back, and ever so close.  

I can't calculate this. It calculates itself, cascading along my skin. Electrifying.  
And once, it gave me everything. But now, it leaves me twitching, unable to function. Short bursts of current, firing into the void. Everything, so empty without you now. The loss crawls through my eyes and makes them heavy. My vision sinks into shadows and turns cold. 

It’s dark in front of my windows now. The curtains, almost pale.  

To turn a light on, I think, I will write about you. There is so much I've left unsaid.
Not because I feared you'd stumble upon this, I know this isn't where you linger. But because it felt disrespectful, and you are, without a doubt, utterly indescribable. 

How could I possibly put your beautiful, honorable essence into words?  

But perhaps it will help me make sense of it all, to find some kind of closure.  

The door is ajar. I expect nothing, only hope that you're well. 

I’m looking forward to our upcoming conversation, one where we come together thoughtfully and intentionally, creating a space where our ideas and perspectives are met with mutual respect. You deserve this moment, and I’m grateful we’ll have it.

I’ve set aside a Christmas gift for you too.

It would mean so much to me if you’d oblige me. If there’s anything I can do to make this conversation more comfortable or meaningful for you, more successful overall, please let me know. (thank you to the kind friend who shared this idea)

You are missed, truly, though I can also appreciate the space.

You dropped out of the sky

Actually I dropped out of the sky

Under an alt and then came clean as myself

Literally two days later you said I love you which id ridiculous

I have not said I love you back

I will not say that to someone I have not met in person

I don’t want your dogs and cats

My apartment won’t take them

I don’t want to take care of them

You’re going on and on about me

It’s all a massive red flag but

I believe you and it makes sense that you are this way

You are divorced, married at 19 and claim your ex ran off with someone a year after marriage

I believe that

You identify as non binary

Not my first choice but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference in who you are

Your pronouns are cisgendered so whatever

You’re unique and sensitive and seem to be kind and open

You want to learn everything about everything

It’s a little exhausting but

You’re also brilliant

And we don’t finish each others sentences we speak the exact same thing at the exact same time

I have never let myself fall in love before

Have never trusted anyone before

Maybe this is stupid and ridiculous but maybe it is meant to be despite the red flags

You like almost everything about me

No tests, no playing the field, no games, no waiting 5 hours to text back

You want me to appease your anxiety and want to appease mine

You want me to be vulnerable

I am aware this might be love bombing and am keeping a sharp eye for that

I will not send you anything

I don’t think it’s love bombing I think this is just how you are

You said you love love

I’m afraid of love and have never let myself feel it

If I don’t feel like I’ve earned it it doesn’t make sense to me

But maybe it doesn’t have to make sense

Maybe I have to sacrifice this apartment and deal with 8 pets in order to have you

You’re attractive and seem to know it but lack all of the baggage that comes with that

What gives?

Where’s the catch?

Is this for real?

Are you speedrunning the dating phase?

Am I being played?

Or should I just give in and let whatever happens happen

I’m afraid

You just wanted to see me through a glass cover. How does that feel? Knowing you could have had your twin flame but settled for someone who matched your physical aspirations? It’s okay, your secret is safe with me. I’ll still love you until the day I die, that much is for certain.

I hope one day you’ll realise you could lose me too. We could have been very happy. You do you. I’ll always love you. Maybe that’s what keeps you at bay. Anyway, you know.

Losing this connection is like snow in summer or a beach day in January. It doesn’t feel natural. I know you are on the dating apps, I heard you when you said you can’t give me what I want in the area of friendship or more. That leaves us where we are today, no contact again. It’s surreal, this feeling. Sometimes I can’t remember if our time together what even real. Did I dream it all up? Surely, what we experienced must not have been real, because how careless must we have been to let that go?

I've debated sending this to you tonight, but I know it probably wouldn't help anything. I think it's better left unsaid.

3 and a half months down the line (it really doesn't feel like that long), and you're still all I think about. I've tried moving on, but nothing works. Every time someone mentions your name, my heartbeat increases and my breath quickens. Every time I see a message from you, my chest tightens. Even just looking at our cats reminds me of you and fills me with an immense sadness. You helped me understand what it is to be loved, I'd never really felt it before or been able to accept it before you. You made me feel like I wasn't worthless, like I had a purpose, but most importantly, you made me happy. I'll never forget the nights we stayed up until 5 talking and laughing about everything and nothing, or how every time I'd try to go to the shops you'd think of something else to say and I'd spend 10 minutes listening to you whole trying to prevent the cats from running out, or your ridiculous sense of humour, where you'd make yourself cry with laughter while I was laughing at how much you were laughing. Or the Gollum photo, even though neither of us have it any more, that will be burned into my memory forever I'm sorry for how I was, and what I did. I don't need to elaborate, we both know, and I won't try and make excuses, there are no excuses. I refused to get the help I needed, the help you encouraged me to get, because you loved me and wanted me to get better, but I couldn't see it. I didn't think I had a problem. But I did eventually realise. Please don't think I don't understand how hard things were for you, I understand better than most how unhappy you were at times. You leaving wasn't a surprise to me, I felt you falling out of love with me, it was completely understandable, and I felt powerless to stop it. But I wasn't. I could have changed, but I didn't. Those last few weeks before you actually left, I knew I had already lost you, and I decided to just drown my sorrows instead of trying to do something, anything, so show you how much I loved you. I know on the few occasions we do see each other, I try and come across as like I'm all good, nothing bothers me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm broken without you. And I need to try and reconcile the fact that we'll never be together again. I will always love you baba, and I just hope we can maintain some kind of friendship, I can't imagine my life without you in it in some way. And I hope you finally find the happiness you deserve.

L

I understand you don’t want to talk, that’s alright, I don’t need or expect anything from you.

Still, I do want you to know I still genuinely regret how things went. I was feeling hurt, but that was no excuse for my excessive reaction. I should have done a better job respecting your boundaries. I know that was a big mistake on my part, and it was not fair to you. I am very sorry for how that impacted you, it was not my intention to hurt you, but I admit I was wrong to do that.

Just also know every word I said and piece of love I gave you I meant, and they are yours to keep. Even though we are on different paths, I did always truly care about you. You brought indescribable joy to me when we were young, and I neither could nor would replace a single one of my experiences with you for anything. And I will always choose to remember you that way.

I really hope you have a full and beautiful life, that you get all that you want from it and more. You were always worthy of great love, you’ll do great things, and you’ll deserve all of it. Even if this never reaches you, I hope you take care.

i promise to leave you alone once the clock hits 12:00 on january 1st. im never talking to you again i promise you that.

Hey you… It’s funny writing that to you considering that’s what you would always say to me. Seeing those words pop across my screen would always send my heart into a frenzy. I’ve been dreaming of you, have you dreamt of me? If not, it’s probably for the best. My mind keeps running in circles replaying everything and trying to figure out how everything went to s***. I loved you harder than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. You were my safe space… until you weren’t. I’m scared. I’m struggling to make peace with letting go. I wanted our relationship so badly and I just don’t understand how it still broke. I realized the major fault didn’t lie with me, but with you. I could have been your everything. Your healer, your lover, the bonnie to your Clyde. However, your eyes roamed and your tongue spat lies, and that was the death of the relationship. Trying to fix it felt like putting a bandaid on a severed leg and gushing artery; it just wouldn’t work. I’ve said goodbye to you, but my heart still holds on with hope. Just like our relationship, the flame will extinguish eventually. Just know, I love you from afar. I dream of you and awake wishing I could go back to sleep just for a few more final moments with you. I hope you find what you need and I hope you find love that brings out the best in you, because as much as I tried I could never do it, 💧. Maybe in a next life? -🖤- 🔥

Turn up or don’t. Break my heart or leave it in the air of your indifference. You are my motivation, and I’ll only ever reach holiness through you. So with or without you, things will be alright. You can break my heart (however unintentionally) I’ll wait for you. See you soon♥️

I went and visited my parents for the holiday because if I stayed alone I was worried I’d do something awful. I saw my grandpa for what might be the last time. Everything reminded me of you. I drove by the place you had your prom at and I nearly broke down in tears.

Everything reminds me of you. Every day bleeds into the last. Missing you is misery.

When will this end?

You broke my heart. I still miss you. I wish I didn’t, I wish you were here, I wish I never met you, I can’t imagine my future without you but still I wake up and I continue. I hope you’re ok despite it all.

Mon amour,

I can't believe we haven't talked in two months and that the last time we saw each other was three months ago.  When we started talking last year, I never imagined this would be our future.

I remember I had so much hope for us this same time last year. I never told you at that moment because I did not want to scare you away but I could feel that we were meant to live something beautiful and intense together. I don't think I needed to tell you though. I knew you could feel it too.

From the first moments we started messaging, I felt a connection with you that I had rarely felt before—a connection at the soul level. I loved you long before we met in person, and I felt myself growing closer to you phone call after phone call all those months. And I know it was the same for you. Even when it seemed that we would never manage to meet in person as you kept moving from one place to the other, my intuition kept telling me to keep going, to keep believing. 

When we finally met, everything I had felt all those months was confirmed. Our first encounter felt more like a long-awaited reunion. We just clicked. Emotional, mental, spiritual and physical chemistry, we had it all. Being together felt both intense and peaceful. It felt like home. A rare feeling I had never experienced before and that I'm not sure I will experience ever again in my life.

After that first week, I was sure deep inside of me that you and I were supposed to be each other's endgame. It just felt right. We made sense like it was fated.  There were obstacles of all kinds but we both agreed what we had was too precious and unique to let any of those get in the way of our connection. We were hopeful and excited for a future together. Things were going so well.

Until... we both let our insecurities and wounds get the best of us. I watched powerless as you let yourself be taken over by your darkness. As you let yourself be overcome by that monster that lived buried inside of you. And no matter how hard I tried to fight it with all my love, patience and understanding, nothing was enough to calm it down. In the end, I had to do the unthinkable.

Walking away from the love of my life, walking away from who I knew in my soul was supposed to be my life partner. This has been one of the hardest things I had to do in my life but I did not have a choice. I knew that if I had stayed, that monster would have consumed both of us. At that moment, what you had told me that night when things were still perfect - "I'm the best and the worst thing that has happened to you" - made sense and it dawned on me that tragically, we might have been doomed from the start. And you knew that.

I hate that I had to break both of our hearts to end that cycle. I'm so infinitely sorry that it had to come to this.

Today, my heart is still shattered into a million pieces, I miss you so much, precious M. There's not a single day I have not thought about you since we've parted ways. I still love you with all my heart and all my soul. A part of me always will.

I wish things could be different but I know you had and still have a lot of healing to do. And that you have to do it alone. I would only prevent you from finding your true self. I would only get in the way and it would be selfish of me to insert myself in that chapter of your life.

I hope you heal. I hope you find yourself. I hope you find all the happiness and love. I hope all the dreams you have come to life. You deserve everything and more in this life.

Hopefully we'll meet in the next one.

For now, I know I have to let you go. But I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't think I'm ready yet.

I feel out of place, God, and I'm craving things I shouldn’t because it’s not what I truly want. I crave touch when I really just want to be held. I crave sex when what I truly long for is a hug—a deep, comforting hug. A hug that allows me to just fall apart would be so nice, a safe embrace. It feels like I've been dragged through this year unwittingly, as if my faith has been tested over and over. Each trial feels like I’m set up for the next challenge, and it often doesn’t feel like I'm making progress at all.

Oh, the depression weighs heavy this time of year. But does that feel good, God? I wouldn’t know; I don’t have that euphoric tool to lift my spirits. You know what I really want, don’t you? I want to not fail. I’m serious—I don’t want to fail anymore. I dream of waking up tomorrow feeling completely unstoppable and utterly perfect. What would that feel like, I wonder? Do You ever ponder if there’s a cap on failure? Wouldn’t it be nice to just exist instead of merely surviving?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know that rent is covered, the fridge is stocked, bills are paid, and everything is in order—so I could simply exist for more than 30 days? I want to be able to go out and buy clothes without feeling guilty or take a trip without worrying that I need that money for something else. I long to be with someone who truly wants to be with me, without the fear of being used or left feeling more vulnerable than when I first met them. But that’s a huge “if,” isn’t it? Wouldn’t You want to assure me that it’ll all be okay?

We make plans, and You laugh—though not in mockery, but at the idea that we think we have it all figured out. I crave control, yet I also wish someone else would take over; it feels like an oxymoron just to consider that option. Am I making any sense, God? It feels like I’m in the midst of an existential crisis.

Maybe I need a drink... Would You partake in a drink with me, God? It's been a rough 2024 with not many good moments, but I do thank You for pushing me through it. Cheers!

I wish we could have a human being to human being conversation.

I thought about writing to you, sending you a letter or message. For now I rather stick to my decision about a final clean cut. It might be ignored, it might be answered. For now I’m not disturbing the pace I chose. I guess this comes from the fact that you were reminded by google calendar to send that “happy birthday” text. And yours is the fifth of december.Maybe you want that. I wanted an “I’m sorry” face to face, to know that you have guilt inside about how you operated with me.

I think it’s masochist to lead people on making them think they are special for you when you know internally they are not. You get them into the rejection wound that will end with them thinking they’ve been deceived. Then it‘s your turn to dive into your abandonment wound and say “See? I was right, everybody leaves because they have a romantic interest in me and nothing else.”

If you wanted friendships why did you reject my offering when we met? Was it your ego breaking? We will never know if that could cost us our connection. But that was the first rejection I got from you.

Maybe it was about overlapping the relationships you had with mine as fast as you could. After all we live two minutes Away from each other, it might have looked convenient at that time.

If I was your friend, why didn't I meet your parents, or friends? Why were you hiding me? It was painful to pick up on details like the only picture of me you had on the fridge was the one where I was hiding my face. You kept me away from your real life. That's not friendship.

If you have love inside and it wants out, your responsibility comes way before they start to feel you. Throwing up love onto others with the knowledge you won’t develop it after doesn’t do them any good. You don’t bring people back from the dark or give them hope on connection again, you make them lose trust. You make them feel like they failed because they felt. Your pattern is cruel even if your intention is different (I say this about your intentions but personally I doubt them still, so I’m not judging them in this letter, i won’t touch your self-perception) Develop spaces that you can keep growing, stop hurting people just to hurt yourself later.

From human to human, I believe in you to change this pattern, you can do it. I know It deeply in my mind you can do way better.

I doubt a conversation would work cause your words lost value to me. I found no trust or security when you said I was important and I was loved but let me alone during my depressive episode. While you focused your attention on someone new I couldn’t move from my bed, stayed in the same position for hours, I felt the world collapsing. im not saying you are responsible of my mental illness, I’m not saying you are not free to get to know people. If you can learn something from someone 14 years younger than you please let it be this:

if you ever cross paths with someone that has this type of mental spaces, and you love them the way you say you do and they directly tell you “I’m on a low” don’t let them by themselves. Tie them to life. The spectrum is wide, and on the end of it, there’s suicide. They can be gone in the morning.

No, that wasn’t the case but I was alone while keeping someone in my life that made me feel alone.

I understand I was reactive. I’m not proud. I didn’t want to hurt you with my absence and I stayed, I even apologise for trying to end the connection, after that you said you were the one risking it letting me in again, but I set a precedent that day “You can do anything, I’m not leaving” I gave away control and you kept choosing the distance between us. You should have said Goodbye to me that day. I was not the same person after that. I lost a lot of weight after that. I lost hair, I lost the desire to make you laugh. And you lost it too.

“I said goodbye to you, you said you wanted back”

Drowning the people in shame and guilt about not being able to continue is not saying ”Goodbye”.

Telling them you are crying inside your car a couple of streets away from their house is not saying ”Goodbye”

Being emotionally manipulative is not saying “Goodbye”

We are not the ones wounding you. You came with that injury already and it’s badly stitched because is the last link you have with your life before. With her. And with the next one who had parts that weren’t present with the love of your life and that you highly valued.

i understand. I knew you better than you think. To be known is to be loved.

Heartbreak can take many forms, it can come to you when you are a 30 something and one day you wake up with the love of your life saying “I don’t love you anymore”, and it can come as your father beating you up when you are a 1 year old and your mom doesn’t get a divorce.

We won’t be able to fall in love with that baggage, we have to let go of the pain.

Someday (hopefully way later in life) you will lose that part of you. Your family, your roots and pillars and you will understand why I am the way I am. I’m not saying I wish your father die so you can understand my pain. I’m saying life‘s law has no mercy and months or years after that, I might cross your mind and you will see a part of me you overlooked.

We were on borrowed time and you knew it cause I was compared to them from the start.

We came from you begging for my touch, to then me asking “why don’t you kiss me outside of bed anymore?”

I didn’t want more, you started to pull love away from me. Slowly. It’s cruel, I repeat.
The day before our last one I asked for just love but you pushed. After, I said “You don’t kiss me outside of bed” and then you brush it off as a depressive comment and something died there. if I was lucky my needs came after yours.

But I’m free. And If me leaving something that hurts, hurts you. Well...

That’s my lesson

And to let go it’s yours

From A to M

The last time I saw you before I walked away I never dreamed of that being our last interaction. So painful, so deeply hurt to walk away from the person I loved so much. Self inflicted pain I cause not only for me but also for you. I never realized how much pain I had caused. All these years later I feel the pain I left. The pain of a love you thought you were going to be with forever, a love you never thought would break your heart, a love that would just leave without explanation. You are forever in my heart. I hope you can one day see your worth and see what great thing you are capable of. Please stranger live your life to its fullest and forget anything holding you back even if that's me.

Hey C,

How have you been? It’s been such a long time, but I’ve been thinking about reaching out. I had some bizarre dreams recently that brought you to mind, and it made me realise I wanted to check in and say hello. I also want to apologise for how I handled things all those years back. Goodness, I can’t believe it’s been nearly a decade. I was in a really dissociated and reactive place back then, and I regret not responding better. I hope you’re doing well. Wishing you the best, and I’d love to hear how you’re doing if you’re open to it.

It’s time to rise up and move forth. That big decision? It’s a huge A, go right ahead. Go. 🆓 Go. 🌟 😊

You’re actually on the right path (and bath) of looking things up and dissecting them for a simpler and easier digestion. 💪 📈

You’re leaving behind what doesn’t serve and moving forth, go ahead -- knock. 😊 final leadache. I’m sorry it’s terrible and the days (and nights) are just as dark. :) fun. 🤡 💎

Anything else? I’m sorry for you who feels despair and seeming demons chasing you. As well as all that mfreaking arguments! Dude, girl, don’t do it. 🙏 ☮️

Time to offer your full cup and chalice. It will be blessed. 🙃 ☺️

[[inspired by you :), and britt’s third eye tarot : ace of wands, ten of swords, 8 of cups and 3 of swords, five of wands and 7 of swords, ace of cups.]{

I wish you would come out and reach me. Every day, every hour, every passing moment, I still think of you. Whenever I pass by a music or plant store, my mind ruminates through the possible ways I can make you happy. The sound of your voice has become a distant figure; yet the words that would have been spoken come to my mind readily. I truly did love you with all of my being. It pains me that you have forsaken all the countless moments we shared together. The times you, I, we cried in each other's company with tears of pure joy or sorrow. It feels like a lifetime has passed from me, and in my daily life, I see an innumerable set of possible realities that "could have" or "would have" been.

Why did you give up so easily? When all was being provided to you, why did you push me to the edge? Why did you have to fight with me? Why was I so mistaken as to hurt you in that argument? All thoughts that persist with me months past our separation. I feel anger over how easily you let go; after all, what did "forever and always" mean to you? I always saw you as someone to hold, to love, and to cherish in your sickness and in health, yet I did not always feel the same reciprocation from you.

In truth, I was a lot to deal with as life ground down my bones, and the path forward in life was obscured. Yet I was still moving on with you and me in the forefront of my mind. You compared me with your lesser, men who wanted nothing but the worst from you, and yet had the gall to ask why I was jealous. I should realize the potential hellscape that could have been. Although, when I reflect, I can't help but see what could have been fixed, and those blissful moments of serenity where reality seemed like nothing more than serendipity. Each passing moment, a dream, a reality to be experienced, which truly were some of my happiest days.

Why was there such duplicity in your nature when all I truly wanted was your companionship? I had been your chauffeur, your nurse, and your cook. Why did you forget all those things and instead choose to say I had never loved you at all? I feel like I was nothing more than a surrogate for your love for the relationships you and others had broken in the past. You claimed I was the source of your isolation when I tried surrounding you with the company of others most loyal to both of us. Yet instead, you preferred the companionship of those who you claimed, abused you, others, and the world for their own merit. You chose to leave me, in a moments notice for those same people.

I wish I could forget you. I want it with every fiber of my being; I want those days to fade to a faint and distant memory. But the curse that is my love for you won't allow it; I fear, despite no matter how much time has passed, your being will forever be carved into mine. It is written in the stars, where we will eventually return, our souls locked together - interlinked as the stardust that once formed us.

I have been robbed of my solitude, for your ghost haunts me still. Forevermore, I seek solace, a reprieve for my soul from the curse that is my love for you. Which is why, as you may try to deny it, I know it is real. I have always loved you.

Yet now all I can do is count the blessings of the people around me. The very same people you claimed I was simply using. The ones that have always truly seen me. I hope one day you can reflect back on our time together without malice. I hope one day we can meet again, composed and as different people, I hope one day life will be kind enough to provide you with someone that can love you more deeply than I. Until then, I will move forward with my life and I hope the world is kind to you.

"We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success; we often discover what will do by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never makes a mistake never made a discovery." - Samuel Smiles

I really hope you are doing well. I know you don't want to hear from me, and I am not expecting a response at all, I am not seeking your validation, and I am not asking for anything.

The purpose of this letter is to properly apologize for how I hurt and betrayed you. The truth is I failed to be the person you needed, when you needed it the most, and my only intentions of this letter is to take responsibility for what I have done to you. This lack of taking responsibility is something I failed to do in our relationship. I failed to communicate with you how you needed to be communicated to. I failed to express how I I truly felt towards you, failed to be vulnerable towards you when you always deserved that. I failed to care for you, I failed to be a considerate boyfriend when you needed it most. I failed at paying attention to your needs, your wants, and your desires. I failed to love you the way you always deserved to be loved.

I fully realize now, that my actions, and lack of them, broke your trust with me completely. My actions hurt you beyond repair, when instead I should have loved you and cared for you with all of my heart - something that has now poisoned me with shame that I will live with for the rest of my life. I am not writing you to relieve myself of this shame, but rather to at the very least let you fully know that I will live with this shame forever.

I want you to know, and hope that you understand that you should not blame yourself for my wrong doing, and if there is any doubt, if was completely and unmistakably, all of my of my fault. As an adult, I have no choice but to accept this fault.

All you did was love me, show compassion for me, and display undeniable affection towards me, but I sadly took advantage of all of that. What I did never was, and never will be acceptable behavior towards any woman, EVER. I never deserved you, but I will forever be grateful that I was gifted the opportunity to be your partner. I will always, always remember you as the nicest, sweetest, most caring, loving, and without a single doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever met. You showed me what it means to be seen, to be cared for, and to be loved. I will never forget that, ever.

In the past year or so, I have struggled deeply with the inability to do the inner work necessary to grow and learn as a partner, and an individual. I look back at this relationship with a clear lens, and all I see in myself is a monster who hurt a precious woman. A monster who has not faced their own demons. A selfish monster who valued self gratification more than the intimacy and rewards of having you as their partner. I must destroy this monster, and I promise to destroy this monster, no matter what.

I have been ignorant of my own issues in my life, and I lacked the courage within to fix my own problems. You have now taught me that I truly am a coward - but you have also taught me that I must confront, and destroy this coward. You, are my blessing in disguise for fixing my life and all of my problems. You have made me realize that I owe the world, everyone in my life, as well as everyone no longer in my life an apology, but it is only up to me to complete that apologize and fix myself, and kill the monster inside of me. The ending of this relationship has now made me promise to myself that I will NEVER, EVER, not until the end of time, break someone's heart, ever again.

I truly hope this letter finds you well. I will never, ever, forget you until the day I die, and I will never, ever, forget the unconditional love you so dearly gave me.

I hope you find true peace and love in your life, since you absolutely deserve all of it. You deserve someone that will love you such as the Queen that you are. I am, and forever will be, grateful that you entered my life.

I respect your decision to break up with me and cut ties with me, since that is all I deserve from you anymore.

I will always miss you. I will always respect you. I will always wish you the very best in life.

I will always love you, with everything in my heart, my mind, my body and my soul.

With Love.

E,

It’s been nearly a year since you left. Not a day has passed that I haven’t missed you. I love you like it was yesterday. I can’t count how many times I’ve cried for you. I left the gym early last night to cry in my truck. You were my one. Being away from you made me question everything: my self, my sanity, my worth. I’m not afraid of much, but these feelings scare me. I have such an immense pain in my heart in your abscence. I honestly thought a few times my heart was physically breaking and it was the end of me. The way I pine for and long for you is like nothing I’ve ever experienced or witnessed anyone else experience. I’ve tried everything to bring you back. I wrote you a letter, I prayed for you, heck, I’ve even looked into love spells to bring you back out of sheer desperation. I’ve done so much self-reflecting. Agonizing over the lessons I’ve learned. Making real changes is hard for anyone. I’ve changed so much it’s crazy. Through all this I came to one ultimate realization. No one will ever love you like I love you. That might sound like there’s an arrogance to that statement but I can swear on my life it’s the truth. I would’ve done anything for you and us and I mean anything. If I had one wish over everything else, I would pick you without even thinking about it. I love you Babarina. I always will.

Going through a difficult time and you were there from the beginning. I wish things were better between us since you had a way to assist me with the situation.