/r/tifu

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/r/TIFU means Today I Fucked Up

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A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.

Rules

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1. Use proper formatting: (1) All titles must start with TIFU. (2) All posts must have at least 750 characters in the body. (3) All posts must have a "TL;DR summary" at the end.

2. Posts must be about you. Today I fucked up. Not your grandma, not some dude you saw in the newspaper.

3. Must be your fault. Being a victim of something is not TIFU. Getting robbed, scammed, attacked, cheated on, etc, is not TIFU

4. No overly vulgar posts. Eg: No pissing/​shitting your pants. No incest/​rape​/​minors/​bestiality. No death of animals. No glorification of major crimes.

5. Not a fuckup. No humblebrags or stories that have zero consequences and don't go anywhere. Eg "tifu by sexy sex". Moderator discretion.

6. Be civil. No racism/​bigotry/​homophobia/​transphobia. No personal attacks on other users, no name-calling. No low-effort "this didn't happen" type comments. READ MORE HERE

7. No self promotion. No making posts with the express purpose of promoting your business/video game/porn career. Even if not mentioned within the text of the post, alluding to links on your profile is not allowed. This covers implying you will set up a stream/public link/onlyfans in the future, having set up one in the past, or anything along the lines of "upvote this comment if you want me to do this." These examples are by no means comprehensive, just don't self promote.

Notes

TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story, you can start it with "TIFUpdate".

Antivaxx rhetoric or participation on antivaxx subreddits is cause for a ban from this subreddit.

Related Subreddits

/r/TIDTRT (Today I Did The Right Thing)

/r/IdeasforTIFU (Feedback)

/r/AnimalTIFUs (Animals Fucking Up)

/r/pranks (Today I Pranked)

/r/TIGFO (Today I Got Fucked Over)

/r/TifuCircleJerk (Make fun of r/TIFU)

Friends & TINetwork


/r/tifu

18,533,920 Subscribers

0

TIFU by texting a mean comment about my neighbor to my neighbor

I have this neighbor. We’ve been “friends” for a few years. I put friends in quotes because she is a caustic and volatile person. She talks shit about everyone and everything constantly, and has very low self awareness. Like most volatile people she can also seem overly sweet at times saying she loves me, or my kid. I have never returned that sort of comment to her, as I take statements of deep affection seriously. Mostly I try to stay on her good side because it’s safer and more peaceful if I do. I drive her kid to school any time she asks, water her plants when she’s gone and have held her proverbial hand through several mental health crises (she’s highly anxious).

Recently- neighbor started parking multiple cars on the street around her home for weeks at a time. Our city does not technically allow over night parking on the street, but we are deep in a neighborhood and on a cul de sac, so police don’t usually end up ticketing folks around our house.

My spouse, again in an attempt to maintain a functional neighbor relationship told her it would be “okay” for a car to be parked in front of our home as long as it didn’t block our mailbox or we could have a place when we wanted visitors.

We were both getting kind of sick of the car being smack in front of our home after such a long time. They have a two car garage with only one car in it, and a steep but usable driveway (we have the same setup with two cars in the garage and have used the drive for parking).

I texted the neighbor asking her to move the car a little further down towards her yard. It was only allowing about 5 feet around the mailbox and you’re really supposed to leave more clearance. She initially agreed, but then sent me a photo of the car and its relationship to the mailbox, letting me know she felt it was far enough away.

I was pretty pissed that my tiny request that was just the mildest hint of my true desires about the situation was blown off completely. I had already been trying for a couple of days to chill my spouse into not calling non- emergency cops to come ticket the cars.

I texted my spouse to complain- saying we should go ahead and call so they get a ticket- cuz I didn’t feel like arguing about how far down the car was. I then went to text spouse about the basketball hoop that they also have at the edge of the road (because their inclined drive is not functional for basketball) which is also not legal to have in our town.

BUT I apparently had been mulling over how to respond to the previous text from neighbor and texted her instead. The text read roughly that we should get them for their stupid basketball hoop too.

Neighbor is on her phone more or less constantly so no chance to retract before she read it.

She went nuclear. She has stated that we are mean, hate her family, are nasty etc. I tried to apologize (3 times)and explain I was venting, why I was frustrated. She texted my spouse to tell on me for being mean I guess? Not like spouse wasn’t aware. She basically said she doesn’t want to communicate anymore and blocked me.

The only issue I have is our kids play together. I’m not a huge fan of the friendship (kid is much like the neighbor) but my kid is my world. I just want my kid to be happy.

I feel really stupid and embarrassed about my fuck up. I can’t really see any way to make it better. I may be mean inside my head or in private conversations with my spouse- but never intended to be mean directly to her. I promise you I’ve heard her say more hateful shit out loud about her own spouse, kid, family, other neighbors, neighbors kids, coworkers etc every time we’ve ever talked. So again- her lack of self awareness is stunning.

TLDR: texted “we should get them for their stupid basketball hoop” to the person WITH the stupid basketball hoop. Emotional nuclear war declared.

1 Comment
2024/03/24
09:37 UTC

0

TIFU by asking reddit what my faceshape was

So I wanted to know what my face shape is. I posted two pics on reddit with the intention of emphasising why I thought my face was circle or/and square. I also like my privacy and thought I can whack a sticker on my face and call it a day. Besides, whose gonna comment right? Maybe 3-4 comments at best, and then people would stop commenting after the first hour.

Then I posted. First negative comment, ok normal. Another , ok it happens. Then it kept going and I'm thinking why? My post was bigger than expected but not popular either. Why was the ratio between people answering, and people being trolls not too far apart? Then I realised I messed up. I forgot how the internet works. Firstly, I messed up with my sticker. I didn't want to scribble on my face and opted for something cute, because I thought it was cute and I don't have a personal vendetta on my face lol. Honestly forgot a heart was a face shape, and now people think I am trying subliminal messaging. Secondly, I chose a picture to outline my jaw. I didn't care that it was unflattering because... well, whose gonna comment? Now I am Quaqmire (honestly pretty funny now), and my post is still streamlining some of the same users whose whole internet personality is to comment on women on a subreddit that they know nothing about. Pretty fun haha, and the other half of people are decent so no problems there

TL;DR I asked reddit a question, posted unflattering pics and unknowingly concocted an open target for trolls on my post.

4 Comments
2024/03/24
06:32 UTC

59

TIFU by getting too spicy with my gf

My girlfriend and | made Mexican food for dinner tonight and she has a lower spice tolerance than me so we made the food a little more mild and I heaped multiple jalapeño slices on my plate later. Much later in the night, I'm going down on her, she's having a great time, when suddenly instead of pulling my head towards her she's pulling it away and says "how many jalapeños did you eat? I think it's burning!!!"

One frantic tooth brushing and two freaked out showers later she is currently laying spread eagled on the bed with ice on there for the wrong kind of spicy reasons whispering “I can’t believe you burned my vagina”.

TLDR; don't go down on someone after eating jalapeños

My post got rejected for not including enough meaningful characters so please accept this joke I hope it's very meaningful to your lives

What happens when a person eats too many jalapeños (or their partner eats them out after too many jalapeños)?

They're in a hell-of-pain-yo

23 Comments
2024/03/24
05:26 UTC

1,233

TIFU by telling my boyfriend that I’m going to fuck the 'demons' out of him

Took my boyfriend out to eat at this insane restaurant with a view, candlelight, and $90 steak. My plan was to sweep him off his feet so that I might get lucky for once. Yes, I do go above and beyond just to get him in the mood. This is because the meds he is on are decreasing his sex drive.

Anyway, when we got home from the restaurant I did indeed get lucky. I made out with him for a while, then he laid on his stomach and I reached for the lube. But we hadn’t had sex in ages so I guess I got too excited because right before going in I said something along the lines of 'I'm about to fuck the demons out of you.' Next thing I know though my boyfriend was sitting up on the bed, visibly in distress. This is because he has paranoid schizophrenia and he hauls around trauma of his super religious parents hammering it into him that he is possessed and trying to exorcise him. I was aware of all this, but I honestly didn’t have his medical condition in mind when I said what I said. I just said it in the heat of the moment.

Needless to say I did not get sex, which is even more of a bummer because we are sort of in a rough patch and I had been saving up to even be able to take him to a fancy restaurant.

TL;DR: Paranoid schizophrenic boyfriend did not appreciate me insinuating that he has 'demons'

132 Comments
2024/03/24
04:48 UTC

20

TIFU by overestimating my lockpicking abilities

I work as an assistant manager at a retail store. Right before we closed, I accidentally locked myself out of the office, which means I had to find another manager to drive to the store on their day off and open it for me. After trying three different people, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I've seen people on Youtube open really expensive heavy duty locks with nothing but a paperclip. Since all of our paperclips were in the office, I got the next best thing: a staple.

Long story short I got it jammed in there like an idiot and now its really fucking hard to open. I finally got someone to come in and save the day but it took us like 3 minutes just to get the door open. I should get fired.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get it out?

TL;DR: I tried to lockpick with a staple and now everyone that tries to use it from now on is going to have to put all their muscle into it just to get it open.

15 Comments
2024/03/24
02:24 UTC

171

TIFU By asking my Wife if she was wearing a MUMU.

I messed up Bigly. I thought the dress was a mumu and it definitely was not. She asked me, what if it was? I expanded by saying that my Grandma and Great Grandma wore them all the time & it was just weird & I didn't want to think of her wearing the same clothes as them. I didn't stop to think about my actions or how my words may get my butt in trouble 😂 I spoke before I thought and I messed up. If anyone knows how to fix this please feel free to comment 😊😂

Additionally I just asked her what she wanted to do for our dating anniversary and she told me that already happened 😂 I swore it was in a week but apparently that's for our Wedding.

TL;DR I messed up by saying my wife's dress was a mumu & additionally I forgot an anniversary & now I'm in the dog house.

84 Comments
2024/03/23
23:24 UTC

308

TIFU by going down on my wife while I had bronchitis

My wife, 29f, and I, 27 f, are very sexually active. We’ve been together for 9 years and We usually have sex at least a few times a week.

I have horrible asthma and the air quality where we live is absolutely atrocious. It’s led to this weird annual occurrence where every year during the winter, when I inevitably catch a cold, it develops into bronchitis and I spend a good couple of weeks down for the count, hacking my lungs out. On top of that, I have a horrible gag reflex, and the constant coughing often makes me puke. Needless to say, this usually causes a dry spell with my wife until I can breathe again.

This year, I didn’t get sick all winter. It’s already warming up here, and the snow is gone. I thought I was in the clear and was grateful that I had seemingly missed my yearly sickness. That is - until about 3 weeks ago when I felt the familiar tickle in my throat and shortness of breath. Before long I was hacking every minute of every day and couldn’t catch my breath for even a second. Obviously, sex wasn’t really an option.

About a week ago, I started to feel better. The coughing got less frequent and I started feeling more like my normal self. Not gonna lie, the second I felt a tiny bit better I was wildly horny. I tried to initiate sex with my wife every day, but would inevitably lose my breath at some point and things would stop.

Finally, today, I woke up and I didn’t cough even once and my lungs felt great. I took the dog on a walk this morning, and while I felt a little tired, I still wasn’t coughing or short of breath. So, I put on my best moves and got things going with my gorgeous wife. It was going great, and I felt good enough to make my way downstairs.

I’m eating her out, and we’re both feeling really good. I can tell she’s getting close, so I pick up the pace a little. Her legs are trembling, and she’s got her hands locked in my hair. I can feel that she’s about to finish, when I get hit in the back of the throat with the most violent scratching feeling I’ve felt. I stop and pull back a little because I’m hoping to avoid coughing.

It doesn’t work, and I cough exactly 3 times with my face still between her legs. That third time is just enough to trigger my gag reflex, and with zero warning I am violently puking between her legs. My wife starts screaming, the dog starts barking, and I’m trying to scramble out of the bed. It’s chaos.

Now, what should have been a 2 week dry spell could take months for my poor wife to recover from. I have traumatized her and started my cough up all over again.

TL;DR TIFU by going down on my wife before I was ACTUALLY better.

50 Comments
2024/03/23
22:35 UTC

1,475

TIFU by leaving hentai on my phone.

Earlier, I had given my phone to my mom to use as she had broken her own phone. What I forgot, is that I left a tab open of the hentai I was watching. My mom is really anti porn. She called me to the living room, showed me the hentai I left on my phone, then proceeded to give me the most uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had. She started to scream at me, berate me you name it. She even started to call family members to tell them about the situation. For some context, my whole moms side of the family, including my mom, is really religious. So not only my mom knows that I watch hentai, that whole family does now too. They started to berate me over the phone and, now are even trying to get me to go to some class so I can get some type of help. My mom doesn’t even want to talk to me. I’ve been getting calls from all of my family trying to talk me into going to that class. TL;DR: leaving hentai on my phone.

201 Comments
2024/03/23
21:25 UTC

8,221

TIFU by being in the bathroom for so long that the restaurant thought I had dined and dashed.

I went to a Chinese buffet against my better judgement. Ate my food. It predictably opened my bowels right up because the fat content. Couldn't really hold it and wait for the bill. So, I grabbed my stuff because I didn't want it out in the open when I'd be in the bathroom a while. Apparently, the waitress only saw me load my stuff up and then just disappear when she looked back.

I got done taking a long shit and came out to them talking to the police. They saw me. I talked to the cops. They got called for a dine and dash and showed up cause its a slow day.

Explained the situation to them. They asked why I had taken all my stuff with me. I told them it was because "I knew it would be awhile and didn't want anything stolen".

It was light-hearted. The cops, waitress, and me had a laugh. I paid my bill and left

TL;DR: was in the bathroom so long that the restaurant thought I had dined and dashed and called the cops.

319 Comments
2024/03/23
19:05 UTC

271

TIFU by implying a disabled man was unemployable

Literally just happened. I work at a drug rehab, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. On the weekends I have to take the guys on an activity, this weekend it was bowling. We go in the morning so the guys can meet with their families in the afternoon, it's also much cheaper.

One of my clients was commenting that while the bowling alley was nearly empty, there was one guy next to us who was doing really well and bowling alone. You could tell he was serious because he had is own ball, shoes, and wrist brace.

I was joking with my client that the only people at the bowling alley at 10am are serious players (nodding at our stranger) and "the unemployable," (meaning us, the addicts). Of course, the guy turns around and the bowling alley got quiet at the perfect time for him to mishear me call him unemployable. Oh did I mention upon turning around I saw for the first time he had Down's Syndrome?

He gawked at me for a few seconds. I wasn't sure what he'd heard but he finished up his game and left. He kept stealing glances at me and was talking to the manager before he left, so we'll see if I can ever come back here.

Tl;dr was joking with a crack head that he was unemployable and a stranger with Down Syndrome misheard and thought it was about him.

27 Comments
2024/03/23
14:48 UTC

200

TIFU by giving my 2 yr old food poisoning

This FU is ongoing. I am here keeping myself awake while on bedside vigil, as it is 3:30am and started just after midnight.

My two year old daughter LOVES black beans. It is one of her favourite foods and is always a safe bet to serve when she is refusing everything else. Two nights ago I warmed up a pot of canned beans for her daycare lunches, put a dash of lime juice and Frank's Red in (because she is my husband's daughter and already loves a bit of kick!), and stashed the rest in Tupperware in the fridge after it cooled.

Well, tonight we made tacos for dinner. Hubby used a fresh can for us with the ground meat, and not wanting to be wasteful (and wanting to be a bit lazy), I used her container for her dinner rather than pick the fresh ones out of our pan. I had sent some with her for lunch, after all, so I didn't think anything of giving her more from that batch.

She was restless until 11pm, but playful, so all good, right?

Nope.

Just after midnight I wake to her screaming and crying, covered in chunky black bean YUCK. I had no idea her stomach could contain that much of anything, but what came out seemed like three times what had gone in. I managed to get her to the bath and get us both cleaned up, but her bed and bedroom floor were disasters, and she was now naked, wrapped in towel, clinging to my neck with a death grip.

Now, my hubby is an electrician, and they are on a major push to get work done on a downtown condo project. He's on day 5/6 of a 14 day stretch, 10 hours a day. He's so far slept through the chaos, and I don't blame him - he's pretty exhausted already, and rightly so. I hated to do it, but I had to wake him up. He was fantastic about it and got everything cleaned up while I tried to settle our screaming daughter (I owe him a case of beer, no question there!). We all got settled back in to bed, me staying with kiddo until I can be sure she's good.

Not even 20 minutes later, she bolts upright, but this time I'm slightly more ready and catch most of it in a bucket. Strip the bed and PJs again, this time with a lot less clinging, dose her with some anti nausea meds, and settle in for a second time.

30 minutes later, wash, rinse, repeat. Okay, enough with PJs, we're spending the night in a diaper and wrapped in towels for blankets. No fever; vitals okay other than on the clearly in discomfort side... doesn't seem like a virus but obviously something is going on! But what?!?

Oh. There's only one thing she ate that we didn't.

The black beans.

Damnit.

So here we are almost 4am now, at the point of waking up every half hour dry heaving/gagging on straight stomach acid, clawing at me in desperation and begging for Mommy to make it stop, and there's nothing I can do but clean her up and cuddle her until she drifts back into however brief a sleep, knowing it was all my fault for giving her the three day old black beans.

Tl;dr: gave my 2 year old daughter 3 day old black beans for dinner that had apparently gone off and am now posting on Reddit to stay awake while she pukes her guts out all night from apparent food poisoning.

Send coffee?

Edit: Good morning, and thanks everyone! Quick update, she finally accepted her water bottle with some electrolyte solution at about 4am just before I hit send on this, and it seemed to do the trick. She didn't have another episode and is still asleep at 9am.

I still suspect the beans, reason being is she just finished a course of antibiotics for a bad ear/sinus infection, so her system is probably easily thrown off. I will have supplies ready for us parents though just in case it does turn out to be another daycare curse ;)

Edit 2: after having an OK morning, she just got sick again. Looking like it is Norovirus after all. Glad it's less of a FU and more just bad timing, but sucks that my baby girl is sick again after a string of respiratory illnesses the last few weeks! Thank you for all the well wishes and a few good stories to help keep me going while she sleeps :)

65 Comments
2024/03/23
10:04 UTC

940

TIFU by making my wife stop trusting me

Today my wife and I were walking through the woods with our 2 year old son in his buggy. We’d been walking for probably 10km and we coming to near the end of the track when a man who was riding his bike with his dog running free next to him saw us walking 100 or so metres away and sprinted at us jumping up on me then as the dog did that I pushed it down and moved aside freezing for a few seconds as I’m afraid of dogs allowing it enough time to run up to my wife and son. My wife had grabbed it by the collar before I recovered them I grabbed it and dragged it to its owner. No my wife said that she feels betrayed by me and that she doesn’t trust me anymore or feel protected by me or even trust me to look after our son and that she doesn’t know where our relationship goes from here. Needless to say I feel like a right piece of shit right now and dunno what I can do to make this better.

Doesn’t mean much but the dog was just being friendly and not running at us in an aggressive sort of manner. Was a big tan coloured dog not sure on breed it all happened so fast

TL;DR dog ran at my wife and our son and our I didn’t protect them because I froze for a second now she doesn’t trust me or feel protected anymore.

430 Comments
2024/03/23
08:30 UTC

0

TIFU by falling asleep in the middle of a online suicide prevention therapy session and outed myself to my brother

So I am closeted trans girl and about 11 months ago I started having suicidal thoughts. I couldn't ask my mom or dad to get me a therapist so I have been trying to find one online for free. Yesterday I had some really suicidal thoughts and tried to look for a free therapist. I found TheTrevorProject.org and thought it may be good. I got to chat with some counselor and it was going well. She was making me less suicidal.

But then in the middle of the conversation, my fat ass fell asleep on my laptop (I was using my laptop while I was in bed) I woke up 5 hours later and now the councilor either thinks I was a homophobic kid trolling or that I killed myself in the middle of a suicide prevention therapy session.

Even worse is that when I woke up, I saw that my laptop was still on and on my desk instead of on my bed. My room is in a weird spot, where my brother has to go though my room to get to his room, and he was coming home late, so I think he saw me sleeping on my laptop in bed, and saw the entire thing, and just exited out of it.

Its now 3:03 AM (I usually wake up in the middle of the night) and I am scared that my brother knows that I am suicidal and trans. (Also I know this isn't as bad as the other posts on here but I still wanted to do it)

TL;DR: Was doing online therapy, fell asleep in the middle of it, left my laptop on for 5 hours, my brother came in my room at night, saw the screen and the entire conversation, and now he knows that I am trans.

EDIT: Ok so I should have said this in the post but I was tired. I don't what my family thinks specifically about lgbt, but they are conservative, I am not really close to my brother so I don't know how I can just go talk to him. I am 15 and live in a conservative town in Indiana, and I don't have any friends who I could reach out to. As of writing this my brother is still asleep and I am just prayi ng that he will be nice about it.

7 Comments
2024/03/23
07:13 UTC

616

TIFU by telling my BF’s parents that I wrestle

I guess I’ll just start this by saying that I’m a 15f and I’ve been with my bf for 2 months. I went over his house yesterday and met his parents for the first time.

I was kinda nervous about meeting them, but he was telling me no they’re gonna like you so I was trying to relax. Also, I had on ripped jeans which was another mistake I made.

I got there and I noticed his mom looked right down at my pants with a weird look so I knew she didn’t like it. His mom was like “your style is much different than I expected!”

We were talking and I mentioned that I wrestle, they were like “huh, isn’t that for aggressive/violent people?” I tried explaining to them that I don’t get in fights outside, that I’ve done well in the sport and that I enjoy being fit, but they seemed upset that I’m not playing soccer or some other sport.

I can tell they didn’t like me and they weren’t trying to talk to me that much. I felt really uncomfortable.

I definitely think I fucked up by bringing up some of my hobbies and what I wore too.

TL;DR: TIFU by telling my bf’s parents that I wrestle and having them think I’m an aggressive angry girl.

161 Comments
2024/03/23
05:33 UTC

0

TIFU by throwing up in class

im a junior in high school and for some odd reason i thoughtd be fun to push myself too much and drink 4 chocolate milks, 4 orange juices and 1 apple juice from the school cafeteria. to make matters worse, i am lactose intolerant.

that did not go well with my stomach and i puked in my first class of the morning. i thought i'd be fine for the rest of the day so i did not go to the nurse or anything.

that did not end up being the case. i was fine in my second class of the day and then comes my third class of the day my stomach was rumbling and hurting so bad. i ended up wearing my jeans unbuttoned and sightly unzipped. i was hot and my face was red. i then thought i was gonna puke and got up to go to the trash can and go to the bathroom. i did not make it. i puked on the classroom floor. in front of everyone.

a nice girl ended up taking me to the nurse and i left and had to wait for my parent to get here. (i cant drive) i ended up going home and slept for 6 hours.

i learned my lesson and will not be doing that again.

TL;DR i drank too much school cartons of juice and chocolate milk and puked.

6 Comments
2024/03/23
05:25 UTC

19

TIFU manhandling somebody

I've been getting a little excited lately about the total solar eclipse we're going to have on April 8. I was explaining to a few if the fellas at work that I was going to grab a few pairs of eclipse glasses. I asked them if they wanted a pair, nobody seemed as interested as me. I grab the glasses and decide when I get back I'd act like an idiot and show them. I put them on in the hallway and go into the room. As you know, they are very dark. Impossible to see anything but the faintest of light on the ceiling. While walking in I see a set of feet from looking down from under the shades. I'm assuming at this time it's one of the guys from my department. I get behind them and start grabbing and trying to jokingly tickle all while making this goofy ass "Whoa..WHOA. I'm blind I can't see". Well, I take the glasses off to see the look on his face as I finish my totally funny joke. Looking back at me wasn't the bud I thought it was, but the director of operations. This guy is all business . I'm not sure I've seen him laugh, smile...hes as serious as they come. I died on the spot. I then proceeded to try to talk my way out of it by talking how this is an amazing thing we're going to witness. I couldn't explain it properly. The other guys got a good laugh once the director left. So I guess it's not all bad.

tl;dr I had a pair eclipse shades on, tried grabbing and tickling a work friend. Ended up tickling a director at my company.

11 Comments
2024/03/23
05:03 UTC

4,024

TIFU by calling my husbands balls my best friends

A few months back my husband (32M) shared a reddit post with me (29F) about a guy who basically convinced his wife to hold his balls for “medical reasons” every night as they went to sleep for 5 years.

I jokingly offered to hold his balls that night, and god damn I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a feeling of belonging like I’ve never imagined. I never understood people having a “comfort item” like a stuffed animal or blanket but now I do.

I low key feel like a creep but I’ve never ever in my life felt so happy just nonchalantly holding them. They’re so big I can’t even hold them with one hand, they’re far more than chicken egg size more like goose size. This infatuation of mine that these beautiful built in fidget toys are attached to my favorite human is a brand new discovery after 6 years of marriage.

Today I accidentally called them my “Best Friends” which is where I fucked up. Hubby loves it, loves the affection and the cuddles. But the “friends” —> “best friends” line made him ask me if I was ok and if we should be doing this.

TLDR: Called my husband’s balls my best friends and he asked me if I was ok.

Edit: Okay y’all not goose eggs size at all. I picked a random large bird and took a swing.

311 Comments
2024/03/23
04:09 UTC

204

TIFU by shattering my bfs laptop

I had a job interview today and got ready in the morning for it and was headed out to meet my bf at a breakfast spot before I left for interview. Before I left he called me that he wanted his work stuff to get some stuff done.

Well my first mistake was not having his work laptop (surface pro) in a safe bag or in my backpack.

As I was leaving I had the laptop under my arm and had on a jacket. So it slipped under my arm and fell onto concrete. I was in a rush to make it for breakfast before heading out to my interview that I didn’t bother to check if the screen was fine.

Lo and behold I give my bf the laptop once we eat and Im headed off when he calls me that his screen is shattered and hung up then texts me that I screwed him over and has to pay out of his check now for a replacement. I don’t think he has told his company this - since it’s a work laptop. After he told me I looked up screen replacements online and tried to get info on what the model of laptop is but he has ignored me.

Later in the day he calls me about something else and he shows me the laptop and it still functions as far as touch screen and visibility and he claims to have gotten over the incident but he’s been ignoring my texts since then.

I did offer to pay for screen replacement and take it up to repair shop to fix it…

TL;DR: laptop slipped from my arm fell on concrete I didn’t check the screen and didn’t know about the shattered screen until after I gave the laptop to him and he says I screwed him over. I offered to cover screen replacement and labor but haven’t heard from him.

89 Comments
2024/03/23
02:35 UTC

0

TIFU By not believing my friend when he said he knew Kung Fu and underestimating him

I grew up thinking that Kung Fu was all fake and the person was just letting them get moves put on them. The first dude that used it against me had me flat on my face. I havent fought seriously in 6 years and i lost most way, I got bigger so nobody messed with me so I got bored. Then here comes my friend saying that I have potential and he asked me what sports I play, i said i dont like sports adm he insisted that I try going to his dojo. He legit convinced my mom to let me go and he started training me on some days so I don’t get killed my first day. He on multiple occasions showed that it’s legit but when he’s demonstrating I still can’t believe it’s real.So now i desperately needed to relearn how to fight because someone tried to attack me and threatend me at the bus stop, i reported him so if we do fight I can get him expelled because he’s legitimately a danger at this school for other reasons. I know I hit harder than him because I’ve hit him before after he hit me for weeks straight but we never full on fought and when he attacked me I was in a good mood so I thought he was joking until later.

The Admin i reported him to laughed when i told him how I got him back (Btch slapped him so hard he couldn’t even scream after her broke my water bottle) so now he’s suspended and the clocks ticking because i exposed everything he did. No I asked my friend to speed up my training so I can throw a proper punch because having a good pump hand won’t save me. He then calmly shows me some exercises and when hes explaining how he punches his hand is extended near my chest (imaging reaching for a handshake) i zone out and think “wait his hand is real close to my rib cage, he’s not really going to his me ri- OH FCK THAT HURTS” this man without warning punch the wind out of me. My stomach was relaxed so that hit was dead center, dude had me coughing and near tears, this man casually hit me with an 1-Inch punch and he said he hasn’t even mastered it yet and his teacher does it better. Do you know how demoralizing it is that someone can bring you to your knees and calmly ranting about how he’s not even that strong while you’re groaning in pain.

This man had me googling the male anatomy when we were done so I can figure out where he hit me. I went inside to get him some water and I saw my mom, so imagine your watching TV and you hear outside “You you put your hand like this and-“ “OH GOD” “You so my teacher actually mastered it, I should ask him for more training” “STAY IGNORANT, IF YOU MASTERED IT YOU WOULD KILL ME” “Its not that bad, I didn’t hit you that hard-“ “IT HURTS” “If you actually went to the dojo you would find people stronger than me-“ “WHO ARE YOU, SUPERMAN?!” “My knuckles are hard because I trained them, the skin slowly started coming off and that’s why my fists are so hard” “BRO I WASN’T READY!” “MY STOMACH F*CK IT HURTS” “I’D RATHER THAT GUY JUST KICK MY A**” “come on let’s go another round, let’s spar” “NO!” “Come one if you get 1 hit you win””NEVER AGAIN” “but you want to do that to the kid who attacked you right?” “YES ow-“ “why are you spitting?” “IM MAKING SURE THERE ISN’T ANY BLOOD” it was basically like that one episode of Rick and Morty, when Morty is on the ground groaning in pain but Rick keeps on rambling about their future adventures, I was Morty.

Never in my life have I been hit so hard. My mother is in the military and even when we play fight she hasn’t hit me that hard. Yeah her punches feel like hell but my friends punches feels like it hits your soul.

Well my ribs hurt a day later and I had to leave school early so i can recover. When my mom picked me up i explained my symptoms and she said if im still in pain when I wake up we are going to the DR and i without thinking, say “I hope my ribs aren’t broken, I have a good streak of not breaking any bones” my mom stared at me and said “OP, Did somebody punch you?” “Well I-“ “Who did it?! Was it that guy who attacked you the other day?!” “Remember how I was sparring with that one friend? He got me one good time I. The chest” “What do you mean “one good time” what did he do? Why didn’t you tell me!” “It didn’t hurt until the next day, kinda” “Ok OP…” “Are you mad?” “No I just got a lot on my mind right now”

I told the friend by text this “Jokes aside if i still have pain in the morning im getting an X ray but I have no malice against you because i asked for training…That was before I found out you were Superman, the last survivor of the krypton massacre who is the last of his people. That now lives among humans after his home planet blew up” he thought it was funny.

Just told my sister about it and she said “thats why i don’t be doing that” I asked her to fight him before and they both agreed because both of them are strong (she fights men) and even she didn’t want to get near him after she say his stance. She said his guard left no openings. This is a really skinny dude mind you

KUNG FU IS REAL! ITS VERY REAL!

TL;DR: My friend (17) was teaching me (16) how to fight before a future fight with another student (18, but we have the same build) at our school and I underestimated him, without warning he hit me with a 1-inch punch under my ribs and i might have to go to the hospital tomorrow because my chest feels tight like someone is pressing on it. My mom thought I was having a heart attack before i explained that I got punched

20 Comments
2024/03/23
01:59 UTC

53

TIFU by tinning my soldering iron

I work with electronics at my job. We have soldering irons at my job that I use several times a day. Every time I'm done using my iron, I tin the tip to preserve it. To tin it, we use this waxy substance that is mostly Flux and solder (techni-pro 758SO115). This is where I fucked up. I had it too far away from the vacuums that suck up the fumes. Without the protection of the vacuum, those fumes went straight into my face. Lemme tell you, that shit burns your nose in a way that you'll never forget. It's like snorting Satan's knob schlobb. My nostrils were opened with the heat of mount doom. That burning pain put me in the 5rd dimension for a couple seconds. I've been around chlorine gas and it burns like that, but without the feeling of your lungs melting for a couple hours. Please be safe while handling soldering supplies and any chemicals. It can hurt you in ways you'd never think.

Tl;dr: soldering irons tip tinner burns a lot

25 Comments
2024/03/23
00:39 UTC

0

TIFU the last date of work on my two weeks notice

So I am working in a firm and I decided I have had enough with the awkward discriminatory comments made by the Director towards my colleague, who has no interest in filing for a pretty credible racial discrimination case on his hands (Director called him numerous slurs and invited him to fight in the elevator) - so I put in my two weeks notice. They also grossly underpay in one of the most expensive places to live on Planet Earth, at a time where taxes are the first bill we pay, on top of giving victimized employees secret Sweetheart Deals to prevent them from filing with the EEOC.

Come to find out, after I sent the email to the owner of the firm and Human Resources I realized that I put my last date of work.... ON A SUNDAY.

Ten mins after my mistake, I realized my goof. My email client does not allow for message recalls, so I quickly I re-drafted the letter, put the correct date for two weeks out and NOT on a Sunday. Sent the correct letter, but it's just two clowns parting ways really.

TL;DR: Put my last day of work on a Sunday when giving my two-weeks notice, and have NO way to unsend so I resent the letter with the correct date. 🤡

12 Comments
2024/03/22
23:18 UTC

35

TIFU by giving blood away

I went after two years to donate blood again. The very first time I had no issues/ complications so there wasn‘t any reason for me to be concerned. I went to the first doctor, which told me my RR was 123/74, so everything was fine and I was ready to donate 500mls.

After I was done I looked at my sister but realised that I am slowly starting to see black and faint. I only saw her running around and looking for a doctor to help me. For me it felt like I was just closing my eyes for a second, hearing music in my head(idk there was literally no music around me) but later waking up panicking and seeing 2 doctors and 3 nurses over my head and my blood running down my arm, because the needle fell out or something. They were all holding up my legs and asking me a gazillion questions to see if Im back to my senses. They gave me some medicine and told me to lay there and not move, and while I felt better for a bit, my RR dropped to 90/60 and later fainted again. They gave me an infusion and it hurt sooo bad, but told me to just power through it and keep still.

I thought at least after all of that they still had my donated blood, but it turned out that they forgot to do a very important step to keep the blood sterile and had to throw away the whole batch… :/

TL;DR: I went to donate blood, but fainted and the blood was later unusable.

21 Comments
2024/03/22
20:20 UTC

2,665

TIFU by admitting it was my dog’s poo the yellow lab ate.

I (M 49) have a very small dog. She is only 4 lbs, I walk her frequently and ALWAYS pick up the little turds. TIFU by running out of poo bags that I have attached to the leash. My dog did her thing and when I realized I was out of bags, I decided to make a mental note of where it was and walk about 20 yards down the path to a dog waste station that has a roll of plastic bags. As I returned to pick up the poo, a lady about 65 years old, walking a yellow lab and talking on her phone, approached the spot where my dog left her poo. The lady stops right next to that spot, talking on her phone. I was approaching to ask her to move a little so I could pick up the turd and then it happened. Just as I said, “Excuse me….” her dog ate the turd. One gulp. It was gone. She looked annoyed with me and asked “Yes, what do you want?!” Standing there with the poo bag in hand, ready to pick it up, I replied (and here’s where I really f***ed up), “Oh never mind. I was going to pick up my dog’s poop but it looks like your dog took care of that!” She flipped out and started prying her dog’s mouth open, yelling at me and generally making a scene. I was chastised for not picking up the poo and I explained I was returning to get it etc.. I apologized and started to leave. She then said, “WAIT! I need to see your ID! YOU are going to pay for my dog’s vet bill! I’m calling the police!” I told her I’m sure her dog will be fine (every Labrador I’ve ever known eats poop almost daily). I left and walked home. I remained calm but I wasn’t going to hang out with her going crazy. About 15 minutes later, I got a knock at my door. It was the police! I discussed the situation with the officer. Apparently the crazy lady followed me so she knows where I live. (Great!) She actually called 911 about this. The officer said he didn’t see any criminal violations so he was just going to file a brief report and be done with it. He laughed a little with me and maintained his professionalism despite a rather odd 911 call response. Hope I don’t get sued!

TL;DR : a yellow lab ate my dog’s poo. The owner got mad and called the police.

211 Comments
2024/03/22
18:03 UTC

249

TIFU by showing porn on the lving room tv

So I know the title sounds weird but I can explain. So my my four cousins (Two girls Two boys) come to visit my family for the summer and me and my sister are excited since we love having them come over.

The two older sisters are really into K-Dramas and they converted my mother into one so because of that they love recommending some to my mother. All was well in the house until one day we're all in the house chilling then my girl cousins ask to show a K-Drama on the TV that is really good. My mom of course says yes since she has began to get addicted to them me , my sister and the younger boys want to leave the place and play video games so we don't have to watch dry foreign shows, my mother says no (this will be important later).

Since the K-Drama is not on Netflix we have to pirate the show, thankfully my older cousin knows all those illegal cites and soon we start watching. It seemed like the world wanted to warn us of what was coming since the TV was slow and wouldn't run the pirate cite at first but I get it to work. Then when we click on showing the video it sends us to another website, specifically a cam girl website. And to me the world goes slow we rush to close the TV becaus there are minors as young as 3 in here but we are too late and all the kids see an Asian girl getting pounded by a big black dildo.

Since everyone was in the living room we all this. Mom never let us pirate movies when she was in the house again.

TL;DR: We were trying to watch a K-Drama on a the family tv using a pirate website and were redirected to a porn website

25 Comments
2024/03/22
16:03 UTC

421

TIFU by dropping my access card down the elevator shaft

TIFU, like literally 10 minutes ago by dropping my work access card or FOB down the elevator shaft gap on the first floor.

You might be wondering “Pancakes, how did you manage to do that?”

Well l was holding a tray of baked Mac and Cheese for our office Potluck. Perfect delicious goodness that also happens to weigh what feels like 50 pounds but is probably only 10 but I have the arm strength of boiled macaroni.

I have the cheesy miracle in both hands struggling with the weight of the amazing side dish, handbag over my shoulder, AirPods in, talking on the phone and waiting for the elevator at my office. My office elevator is the slowest most prehistoric mechanical feature in our building and I’m dying with the weight of all the things in my hands while trying to maintain a conversation.

My access card is on a lanyard that apparently has the most sensitive emergency unlatching feature I’ve ever seen. The wind could probably blow and it would unlatch.

When lo and behold the elevator finally dings and as I step through my lanyard unhooks, and I get to bear witness to my single access card slide down my dress and into the gap on the floor. The best part is there was nothing I could do about it without losing the precious Mac and cheese.

Luckily the Mac and cheese is safe, I’m now a joke at the office as this is only my first month here, and I can probably get issued another one on Monday.

TL;DR: was holding my Mac and cheese tray and my access card for work unlatched and fell between the gap in the elevator but Mac and cheese is safe.

35 Comments
2024/03/22
14:41 UTC

0

TIFU I lost 6000 euros in betting trying to help my family

TL;DR I've tried to help out my family with betting and I've lost 6000 euros in less than 3 months just when I thought it was all going well; I feel so morally wrong and so low like i never felt before and the last part is that im 19 years old.

I started betting because i wanted to help my family and just get an additional income on my account and it was going so well that i felt good because i could finally help them out and give a contribution; my dad was so proud of me when i first started to make him see the incomes of my work and the betting but as time passed I've list the track of the whole bank and when I've first lost 200 euros i tried to get it back but it just became a downhill from there because I've lost money the wjole time i tried to get it back till i reached the lowest of just 10 euros.

I cant go out, hang out with my family or friends and literally have to just close myself indoor from them because im ashamed to just talk about it, i cry at nights and blame myself as i should because i got an addition without even thinking about it; I feel so low and so small because i could and I should have stopped myself in time. I try to move on and go on but it just get worse everyday especially when I work or just go outside because I really hit the bottom when I was at the top. Is the first time i interact with a group here and i would love to get an advice

25 Comments
2024/03/22
10:03 UTC

0

TIFU by crashing my truck into my neighbors brand new fence

This morning I was leaving for work and the sun got into my eyes while heading down the road in my pickup. At the same time another car (which was lingering in my lane) appeared. So I instinctively swirved to avoid the car

At that time I was next to my neighbors fence and I sideswiped it for about 20 yards, badly fucking it up. To make matters worse he only put it up a couple weeks back.

Additionally, I was holding a cup full of extremely hot instant coffee which spilled all over my face and lap, and am now pink from what are probably minor burns

The other driver just kept driving. Thankfully my truck is a beater and I don't think my neighbor saw anything. Debating on if I should mention what happened. He is out of town until Friday.

I might let things cool down and see if anything is mentioned, but I really fucked up and am not sure what to do next. My truck is basically totaled and it gave me one hell of a scare.

To make matters worse this guy has been known to have a pretty bad temper, so trying to figure out what to do.

TL;DR: I crashed my truck into my neighbors fence causing a ton of damage and burning myself with super hot coffee

39 Comments
2024/03/22
01:34 UTC

0

TIFU by not checking my timetable.

So I (18F) started university this semester. In my course (double degree in biotechnology and biomedical science), we have 2 types of classes - lectures and practicals. Lectures run on a regular schedule each week, whereas practicals only happen on a few days per semester. 3 weeks in, I’ve memorised my schedule of lectures, and I only checked my timetable occasionally. Big mistake. You see, I knew I had a prac class on a Thursday once from 8:30 to 12:30. However I thought it was next month. Well it turns out I misread the month - it said 3 not 4!!! And I didn’t check my timetable again until this morning - THE DAY AFTER THE PRAC!!!! When I saw the date as the 21/3 not 21/4, I had a heart attack and went into panic mode. I am mentally kicking myself for being so stupid and careless and I’m currently on my way to apologise and beg my course coordinator to let me join one of next weeks prac groups.

Tl;dr I misread the day of my prac class as 21/4, it was actually 21/3 and I didn’t realise until today (day after the prac). Currently on my way to beg my course coordinator for forgiveness and a spot in one of next weeks prac groups.

6 Comments
2024/03/22
00:37 UTC

347

TIFU by forgetting I'm resistant to local anesthetic and getting a vasectomy.

I don't know why but local anesthetics don't work as well for me as they do everyone else. When I was a kid I would always feels some pain when getting a tooth filled, but I just assumed the injections were only supposed to numb it most of the way. Numerous times I had a dentist inject me enough times that they would just get to work anyway, I guess assuming I was just a kid who didn't want his teeth drilled.

The resistance is seemingly random too, because I had my toe stitched up one time and it was fine. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it only kinda works. I've also had multiple instances of pain coming from the wrong place. For example, I had a broken tooth a few years ago on the bottom row, but I only ever felt it on the top.

Well, it turns out I should have tried harder to remember this, because my vasectomy ended up being one of the worst things I've ever experienced. Everything was fine until the doctor got to the vas deferns, but when he pulled on it I felt as though I was being disemboweled through my crotch. Not only did it hurt, but it was this strange deep kind of pain I'd never felt before. When it happened I jerked away and made it much worse. I ended up just toughing my way through it with my legs shaking like I'd run a marathon.

Luckily they'd given me some Valium beforehand so it wasn't too traumatizing. I think if I'd have been clean and sober it would have left me with more damage. I'm just glad we live in a day and age where anesthetics and the rest of modern medicine are available to us. It wasn't too long ago that every procedure was like that.

TL;DR anesthetic didn't work as well as one would hope and I felt my parts being cut and pulled on.

Edit: I'm not a redhead. I've got dark brown hair.

110 Comments
2024/03/21
23:58 UTC

0

TIFU by throwing away a controller.

Ok so basically, I have a PS4. I've had it since 2018, so naturally, some problems arose. My parents bought 6 controllers in total. But my baby brother spilled yogurt all over one, he kept on throwing one of them until the R2 button broke and fell, One of them just didn't work when we got it, it was probably a scam because it didn't charge right out of the box. And the originally controller stopped working in November after us continuously plugging it in and out. So now my mom bought the two newest controllers for Christmas, I begged so much for one but I only got two off brand controllers. I know I seem ungrateful, but I just didn't like these controllers. They had joystick drift and whenever I clicked the down button, the screen goes down and right, and at times, they just stop responding. So in January, we kept having problems with these controllers and when I turned off the PS4 while I was playing Fortnite, the controller kept on vibrating. It made noises every time you placed it down and my parents didn't like it. This went on for like 30 minutes until I asked my Mom if I should throw it away because we've been having problems with these controllers. So my Mom said go ahead. And then when I asked her to make sure, she confirmed it. What happened next actually made me so annoyed and mad because after I threw it away, she started screaming at me about how could I throw my birthday gift away. And how ungrateful I am. Fast forward to now, we only have the second controller and the controller just not responding becomes so common, by not responding I mean that no buttons on the controller will work for days at a time. So, I decided to ask my Mom for the official controller and she said that why should she if I am just gonna throw it away again. What's. worse is that she uses the same response for everything I ask. When I asked for a headphone case for my headphones, she responded with the same thing.

TL;DR: My mom is annoying, the PS4 is practically useless, and now I can't ask for anything.

20 Comments
2024/03/21
23:26 UTC

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