I’m 14 years old— 15 next month— and a couple months ago I got a job working for a family friend who owns a little rock shop. I’m not gonna get too deep into it here, but pretty much I have a lot of mental shit going on. She’s really understanding, and lets me take the day off if I had a real hard night. So why should I complain, right? It just feels like too much. I feel stressed and overwhelmed, which I guess is just a “welcome to the real world” thing. I’ve wanted to quit pretty much since I started working, but I haven’t for two reasons. 1, everyone was so proud of me when I got the job, I know they’d be hella disappointed if I quit, even if they don’t say it out loud. 2, if I don’t start saving now, there’s no chance Ill be able to move out and start my own life in 6 years, and having that ability is really important to me for other reasons. Idk what to do. I’m probably just being a lazy ass teenager who doesn’t want to do anything. It just doesn’t feel like the stress is worth 10.50 an hour.

So I (21m) live with my mother (51f), stepfather (45m), my older brother (29m) and my younger sister (14f). Each of them blatantly do things to discredit, disrespect and insult me on a regular basis.

To begin with, the relationship between my mother and I has always been weird; she never seems to support me and my interests, and finds ways to belittle or hold me back from certain things (she wouldn’t supervise me driving which delayed me getting my license for over 2 years - always had an excuse that didn’t make sense as to why she wouldn’t let me drive). Recently, I had decided to begin training for a marathon and she didn’t like the idea, telling me how I should do something more realistic and so on. There are a whole bunch of things that she does but this is just an example.

My step father is quite uneducated and believes things that either don’t make sense or simply aren’t true. He seems to have a habit of making judgmental comments about nearly everything I do. For example if I was to order a pizza, he would begin talking about how unhealthy I am and how I can’t cook my own food (I am completely capable of cooking), stuff like this. It’s extremely unsolicited and most of the time, purely unnecessary. Once or twice is okay but doing it several times every single day really gets to me.

My younger sister is at a tough age, her attitude is absolutely awful and she doesn’t listen to anybody. Several people have been totally put off by her behaviour and no longer communicate with her. Every day she will be screaming, stomping around the house and just treating everyone like shit. If I was to say something that she doesn’t happen to agree with, she would hit me and storm off screaming. My mother seems to allow this behaviour because a mere five minutes later, my sister will be getting things bought for her. I know it must be super difficult to parent a teenager but come on, rewarding that sort of behaviour has gotta be wrong. And yes, I have tried numerous times to spend quality time with her but it always ends the same.

My older brother is more isolating and doesn’t really communicate with the family as much as we all do. He has a room out in our garage and brings all sorts of people over at all hours of the night, which doesn’t seem to bother my mother at all. He does a whole lot of other stuff that I won’t mention here and that doesn’t seem to bother my mother either. As for how he treats me, he uses my information without my permission (he has just recently signed up to online casinos using my phone number without my knowledge) and other things alike. I have asked him to stop doing this but he ignores me.

With all of this combined on a daily basis, it gets to be quite a lot to deal with. I wanted to put this here because I don’t know where else to write it

25 m. Studying Mechanical Engineering. Still have another 2 years left before I graduate if I continue to max out on credits, tho the last semester will prob only be 2 courses, so might just start working at that point. I enjoy what I study, but I absolutely hate feeling so behind in life. It's lonely. I'm tired of constantly being broke and still living at home. I've never had a gf and I don't mean to sound gross, but god I wish I could get laid.

A lot of times I kinda wish I just pursued something that didnt require a degree or such a large time commitment. Wish I had my own place and time to date. I never felt like I've been able to "enjoy" life or make memories and I often just think about dropping out.

Wasted so much of my youth and now I carry regret.

fml

I’ve been depressed and dissociated since around 5 years old. I’ve been working my ass off since then, constantly, trying to outrun it. Jobs since 12 and otherwise. I’ve been to outpatient and inpatient programs, therapy, medication, the works.

Turns out I still hate everything. I’m still miserable and angry and bitter. No one sees it, or at least no one comments on it.

I’m going to be graduating from college with a degree I fucking DESPISE. I’ve gotten so many internship and job offers because I work like a damn dog, but I hate all of it. I’m very fortunate, but I want out.

I’m tired and angry and spaced the fuck out. I practice gratitude every morning. I recognize my fortune. But I’m so fucking angry, all the time, at everything.

the mental image of one or both (but usually just my right eye) popping out keeps coming into my head for a split second and i think its been like this for the past couple days. i dont like it.

I honestly believe that I'll never find a connection for myself. I am 25 year old man that just relocated to the DFW area about 7 months ago. I am part of a great running group and have a pretty good social life. However, I haven't had any serious girlfriends throughout high school or college—none of the relationships ever went far because they didn’t last long-term. Whether it was due to differences in things like children, politics, or what we wanted for our future, nothing seemed to stick. I've been on multiple one-off dates, but nothing is clicking for me. When I went home for Thanksgiving for the first time, everyone I knew asked if I had a partner yet. It's like the only thing anyone cares about anymore. No one asks, "Are you happy and healthy?" or "How's running?" or "How’s your job?" All my parents talked about this weekend was me finding a partner. I’ve worked really hard to move past what my therapist and I call "little T trauma."

I have struggled my whole life to think that I am loveable, I have always searched for what my parents didn't give me. I have always wanted someone else and searched for someone that would love me. Someone that cares about how I doing and genuinely wants to be someone to me. I have always wanted someone to actually give a shit about me, the way that I do for others. I care way too fucking much and no one has ever done the same for me. To be able to receive 10% of what I do for others would be nice, I am just such in a self fulfilling prophecy that no one is going to do the same for me.

In the last 7 months I have become way more confident in myself and lost weight and I know it's not a weight thing. I always though people weren't choosing me because of my weight, but I know that isn't even in the picture. I though people wouldn't love me because of my size; it isn't even because of that in any way shape or form. I thought people weren't noticing me my whole life because I was on the larger of sizes.... that isn't it

I see people my age having partners of significant time, getting married or having fucking children. I so badly want all of these things, and I don't see how someone would want any of these things with me. It's so frustrating because it's all I have ever wanted. So, I don't even know if I need anything out of this... I just wanted to get this off my chest and this felt like the best place to put it. I am not looking for attention I just needed to get this off out of my head and onto "paper".

Just need to get all of this out. I’m absolutely lost right now.

This year has been awful and I have lost everything that made my world complete as of a year ago. My two bunnies who I loved to pieces both passed away within three months of one another from sudden illnesses which - despite my best efforts - could not be healed. I miss them more than anything. They were my peace when coming home and my source of comfort and joy every single day. I bought a new home for the three of us to make our own in January and now I hate coming home. I actively avoid coming to the house and would rather sit in grocery store parking lots rather than face the silence and emptiness of my house. I also lost someone I truly did love. I would have loved to give it another chance but they were unfaithful multiple times which made me question my sanity and whether I am worth being loved. I haven’t been in a relationship where I haven’t been cheated on and I have a hard time coming to terms with that fact. I know I’m a loving partner, I try to be fair and understanding, and yet time and time again there is just always someone better. Rationally I know that it is not my fault my partner was unfaithful - but reason rarely wins against emotion unfortunately.

This recent loss of my two sweet boys and my partner just makes me feel empty inside. I’m trying to bury myself in work to keep my mind busy but there’s only so much time I can spend at the office. My panic attacks have been rearing their head again making everyday activities difficult. One occurred while driving on the interstate a few weeks back and now driving is horrifying when it used to be a peaceful activity. Another one happened at work during a presentation and since then work has been randomly spurring panic attacks. I’m horrified these attacks will impact my image which I have tried so hard to keep intact through the year.

Lastly my health has been going down the drain. I found out earlier in the year I more than likely won’t be able to have children which I did want in my future. I know adoption is a choice but I know some partners will not be accepting of that idea. My most recent doctor appointment has led to concerns over my cardiac health and suspicions over my brain which I am needing an MRI for. I’m just scared, lonely, broken, and lost in life and it’s hard to get up every day and keep trucking through it all when I don’t feel any joy or excitement for life right now.

I fucking hate how I look so much, I have crooked teeth, acne on my forehead and curly poofy hair that always looks ridiculous. I dress ugly and no guy has ever had a crush on me or called me pretty. I genuinely don’t know what is wrong with me, nobody ever talks to me and everyone says I’m ugly basically, I get laughed at for being shy and awkward and not talking to anyone, I have a disability, it’s like I’m built with every insecurity one could have or something like that.. I’m used to it at this point in my life, Yk maybe I really should focus on school instead of how ugly I am, but the thing is, it’s really hard to get through School being the shy ugly duckling who basically nobody knows, I’m in 9th grade right now but I’m still the ugly duckling I just know it.

(Tried to keep this short)

I don’t know why I keep going back to my old town. It’s nice to visit my dad, but it just makes me sad to be there. It’s full of memories and things I can never go back to, no matter how much I may want to. I can’t help but drive around, visit old spots, listen to music, and just think about everything every time I come here. It’s like some weird self harm I guess. Pretty dumb if you ask me. And yet, I keep doing it.

I have always hated kids. The younger, the worse. I don't think babies are cute. I think they're disgusting.

I'm genuinely sorry for every person who tells me they're pregnant. Every time I see a mom with her child I wonder if she's ever loved herself, because sentencing yourself to motherhood is the greatest form of self-harm I could ever imagine.

As soon as I'm able, I'm going to get myself sterilized. I never want any chance of ever having a pregnancy. I deserve better than to go through that kind of suffering and having my entire life ruined.

I deserve better than motherhood.

I'm a 35 yo woman, been divorced for five years now. I always thought I would meet my soulmate young, get married and have children, spend our lives together, etc. I know this is not an unrealistic dream, as I have seen it happen many times for friends/family members. From a young age, I assumed that it would just happen for me too, and I eagerly anticipated the day I would meet the person that fit me so well.

Well as you can probably surmise, it never happened. I wanted so badly for it to happen that I married the wrong person and had children with him, just trying so hard to make that dream come true. I have spent a lot of time since talking to a therapist, reflecting on the mistakes I made, working on myself and my career. The first couple of years after divorce were hell, learning to be independent and co-parent with my ex was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in my career and myself. I'm fully independent and own a home, flourishing in my career and enjoying my children. I know I would make a great romantic partner to someone.

But today's dating scene suuuuuuucks so hard. I have been ghosted or otherwise led on by the man I was seeing more than once. People seem to think it's fine to be steadily seeing someone until you get bored, or just aren't feeling it anymore, and then disappear without even an explanation. I've only experienced this with men as I only date men, but I know women do it too. Why is this a thing? Why has basic human decency gone completely out the window? If you're dating someone, and realize you aren't feeling a connection with them, the least you can do is shoot them a text saying so, it's the bare fucking minimum. But people are so afraid of confrontation, over text message, for crying out loud! It's so incredibly disrespectful to the feelings of the person you're dating when you just disappear. The only exceptions I would make are in cases of domestic violence/abuse, in which case ghosting is understandable.

So yeah, I'm done with dating, I will happily live out the rest of my life reading books and cuddling my cats because people are shitty now. We need to do better.

Rant

My mother is so disconnected from the real working world and it’s painfully obvious in our conversations.

I work a job I went to school for, it is what it is. I don’t like it, I don’t like my manager, and the workplace is toxic. But they pay me every two weeks so I stay. I haven’t been there long enough to leave for another job. (This is my first job)

My mother is convinced every American should love what they do and they should pursue their passions. But also should make $100k a year and support a family. I try to explain to her that my generation (Z) is opting to job jump in order to seek more money instead of asking for raises at their current job.

My mother thinks this is entitled behavior and that myself and my generation is afraid of hard work and busting our ass. She called me privileged for having those viewpoints and said “I had everything handed to her”

Sorry for the rant but this irked me. She’s been at the same company for 30 years and enjoys her 2% raise yearly. Ugh.

My bf had a group of friends when he was a teenager and one of them is trying to ruin his life and spread rumors that he's a pedophile, but the guy spreading said rumor is on the Sex offender registration list for having sex and selling coke to a 14 year old when he was 19-20.

He just found out where my bf works and my bf and I are terrified that he is gonna call his work and get him fired...

My bf already has a tough time keeping jobs cuz of his epilepsy and I'm so fucking distraught.

IDK wtf to do.

I tagged as NSFW because of the swearing.

So I fucked myself entirely. I cannot remember my password to my old Microsoft account (which is now locked because of repeated tries that is now seen as suspicious activity) that I've been using for almost 10 years. Nobody can even help, Microsoft just uses a stupid goddamn form to fill out then tells you your information is wrong. This is such bullshit. I can verify my EMAIL, MY CONSOLE IDS (for all Xboxes I've ever used since I still have them), EVEN MY FUCKING BANK INFORMATION yet it's still wrong somehow. For 2 months now I've tried to sign into my account on my fucking new Series X but I wish I wouldn't have bought it now and just went with the PS5. It is enraging that all Microsoft says is literally fuck all your memories, thousands of dollars on games, game pass, etc. just start over. Whoever is in charge needs to seriously update this shit. What is the "support," even for. My heart is so broken because my grandpa bought most of my games and he has since died and it's like I'm losing him again with it.

Why is it that cheaters that I known always end up being happy together? I mean like when someone cheated in their partner to go with the 3rd party. Why is it oh why is it that it seems they are very haply together though they knew for a fact they hurt someone for them to be happy? Im always saying to my bf/fiancè that if ever one day he will find someone better than me or fall out of love on me, he needs to tell me right away and i will let him go, i wont hold on to him eventhough i still have feelings because i know he wont be happy. I just dont want to be like a fool.

Make me understand why this cheating people that ive seen seems very happy and proud for cheating on someone?

I hate how people always say “you’re worthy/perfect just as you are” and blow smoke up your ass whenever you say “I have nothing to offer anyone”. I’m 26, I’m in therapy twice a week because I have so much unprocessed/ unresolved trauma/grief, I work a $12/hr job and have very little money, live with my mom, don’t have many friends, don’t have many hobbies (I go to the gym and daydream a lot, that’s all). Again, I daydream a lot, have so many dreams, am somewhat good at a lot of things, have tried and failed a ton of creative business ventures, but nothing has worked out. I’m still trying different things but I’m discouraged in my life at this point. I’m considered an attractive woman so I get interest but I shut it down because I’m embarrassed of myself. It’s hard not to compare to people on social media, not even people I know, but confusing the explore page with reality. Seeing all these girls my age having a ton of money making content. I’m just in a shit place with my self worth and I haven’t heard any logical explanation as to why I shouldn’t feel the way I do. If I want a really attractive, intelligent, healthy, kind, funny, ambitious partner, I have to be all those things too. I can’t be the loser I am. I gotta get myself to a better place in life 😔

Stocks, crypto, houses, food. Its just so insane how all these things are sooo expensive now like what is even the point. You make 20 an hour? Well who cares. Joe next door bought a worthless digital coin and now has more money than you make in 2 years. What has he done? Nothing he just had the money before you did to speculate on something and your slaving away barely making ends meet for years on end.

Fuck it all I tell you. I swear I want to go back to a bartering system before all these financial institutions and people that bought up everything make me more of a slave. Joe now has millions and since he's rich the price of everything now goes up. While I can barely make ends meet and just continue to barely survive. He's done nothing but have more money than me. Its sooo fucking stupid. I hate this fiat currency system.

So I was talking to this girl and everything seemed like it was going well. We were going in a relationship which was extremely nice. Things were good she seemed like she was happy with our conversations and I was just happy to have a girlfriend. So two days ago we were talking and we were talking about US History since we both loved history. Well the last thing I sent to her was talking about how weird the articles of confederation were. So this I send this and she doesn’t respond for several hours, fine that is pretty normal. Well it gets to be night and I think okay I guess we will talk in the morning and I go to sleep. In the morning she doesn’t send anything but that’s okay because I figured it was my turn to start our conversation. So I send “I know you’re probably busy or in class but I hope you have a great day😁.”. Well she never got back to me and after a little investigation I figure out she blocked and ghosted me. I am just annoyed and sad that she didn’t just tell me that she wasn’t interested in talking to me.

So I’m 40 now and have a child and I definitely am codependent on them. In a way where their life is my life (I don’t have one of my own really) I give all my energy to his stuff and I enjoy it. But I do know that it isn’t healthy for me. It’s very hard to let go of control and not perfect plan etc everything for him. Also when it comes to school, he is very smart. So i find myself possibly being over the top making sure he’s in the classes he needs etc. maybe it isn’t over the top and I’m just being a good mom and over thinking it. I had a phone call with a teacher today to go over things and then after the liken call I still felt like I needed to email to kind of go over our convo again and add some things that I forgot to mention during phone call. Am I crazy and she’s going to think I’m nuts? Or am I over thinking it and if I felt it was necessary at the time then it is what it is and own it. I guess it doesn’t matter because you can’t unsend an email you sent hours ago lol but here I am stresssing. I don’t want my extreme mom/advocate mode to ever cause any teachers or faculty to not like my son just because I’m a little wacky. So really that’s my only concern because he’s a super kind great kid. Thanks for reading if you read this. I just felt telling someone would take a little off my shoulders.

High school teacher told the entire class I would make a horrible husband and thus, no one would ever marry me. I was 16.

I was already shy and timid as a homeschooler, but I had nothing left after this, I withered to nothing, no spine, so worth. She put a target on my back for every bully who ever ran into me, and every humiliation, insult, and abuse, every time authority called me a piece of shit and a pussy, I believed it

It wasn't true until she said it, and now I give up easily, discouraged by every failure and mistake, all evidence that she wasn't wrong. I never tell how old I am because I've still got the insecurity of the boy I was then

I've been all over the world, a decorated soldier, climbed the ranks to Staff Sergeant, certification for crew chief, inspector, even nuclear clearance, doesn't mean a damn thing to me because it's still never earned me a shred of respect from anyone.

Closest I've come to starting a family was my 4 ferrets, 3 of which are already dead, so now I'm just existing, wishing I wasn't, I'm alone either way, so I guess she was right

Yesterday I took my last exam needed for me to graduate college. I didn’t tell any of my family when I was graduating except my little sister. Then yesterday, in front of my mom, my little sister said, to me, without thinking “so, you finished your last exam and graduate now?”

Dang it

My mom congratulated me

Of course, word got around to my dad. At dinner today, in front of two of my other siblings, who had no idea I had finished all my classes, he congratulated me. 

My older sister congratulated me and in the same breath she asked “so what are you going to do now?”

Why is this considered an appropriate question?

I spent years working non-stop on my degree. Never taking summers off. Every single semester working my butt off. 

So what am i going to do now?!!

I am going to freaking breath

I am going to take a break

It’s just a stupid question to ask right after getting done with a laborious task the literal second that you finish. Give me a break. Let me enjoy some time not thinking about what to do next.

I feel like society wants you to start doing the next project the second that you get done with one and I am so tired of this. I want a slow life. Take it one day at a time in life. 

This is not a feeling that I have just out of this situation. It’s the entire western culture that seems diseased with the mindset of “go, go, go”

I just wanted a week of peace where I didn’t have the anxiety and pressure coming from my family to keep pushing. I just need a break

I swear that if any other medical professional in the pediatric field or any person working with children calls me "momma" one more goddamn time, I will make a mournful face, pat their head and in my best rendition of parentese say "I'm sorry little bubba, I'm not your momma".

Like I've had it! I've had enough! It's disgraceful how the moment a woman pops a child out of her privates, she suddenly seems to lose her academic title and even her courtesy title (Miss, Mrs, Ms...) You know who I am, my name is right there in your paperwork, right next to my kid's name! My last name is the same as my kid's last name. So unless you don't know what kid you're seeing, you know my name. And even if my name slips your mind and you don't have my file right in front of you, there is always the wonderful option of saying "ma'am" or just skipping the title altogether. Why? Because I'm not your momma!

I feel like since I've never put myself out to others and never became the person who was outgoing and simply being myself has made me feel like I should just use my phone alot. So for few years I've been using social media apps that most people use nowdays a source of interacting with others but I'm noticing the more I'm using, the feeling of emptiness and missing out has only increased. Is like I'm just trying to get attention and I'm so sick of myself for doing this. Like why am the one trying to reach out to others saying hi, how are you. Aint like I'm getting tagged for anything. I always feel bad or inner jealousy or self victimisation when I see people interacting with others but not me. And I'm tired of putting the effort. At times I just realize like what the heck am I doing. Interacting and being on my phone for countless hours. What am I getting out of this.

Shouldn't I be rather focusing on my life like getting a damn job and financially contribute in household. Going to college and getting degree. Making actual friends and improve on social skills. Doing shit that I've been avoiding like driving, make friends and join gym.

(F20) and I’ve been struggling with social anxiety for a while now and i feel like i’ll never get over it and that it is inevitable that I will always be this way. I am still quite naive and idealistic when it comes to many things because well, I’m inexperienced in many things due to fear of being used, seen as boring or taken for granted.

Both my best friend and sister have been in relationships and so has everyone else i have known. My best friend actually has a boyfriend right now, so we haven’t been talking much to each other.. or she doesn’t seem interested in speaking to me. Which I don’t mind, i’m glad she is happy and finally living her life with a man who is treating her well because of everything she has been through in the past. My sister has her own friends and a boyfriend, so she doesn’t want to speak to me much either. Even a girl i used to go to school with got married to her high school sweetheart and became a mother… their daughter is the cutest thing.

I just wish i weren’t so anxious and afraid to do things so i don’t have to feel as alone; but i have gotten so used to isolating myself from the world, i don’t think i’ll ever get the chance to experience the things that i want to do.

All i want in life is to fall in love, get married and to become a mother; to live a peaceful life in a little home, but i’m beginning to feel as if i will never get to experience such a phenomenon. Which saddens me greatly. I’m falling behind and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I wish i had someone who would love me for me and give me a shoulder to lean on.

I Hate life. it feels like i'll never escape this endless loop of hell. I didn't have a good childhood which has left me with trauma issues i cant talk to anyone about, and affects my everyday life. I'm lonley, i have a couple friends i talk to and even one i've known for 7 years. I've opened up to them and expressed my feelings but most of the time i end up only telling part of the story because i feel embarrassed/fear that i'll be made fun of. I've been bullied by people i've cared about so much, and told so many things but they disregarged my feelings and used anything personal i shared against me. I dont feel like i'll ever trust someone enough to open up and share all my feelings to for the fear of being judged. My dad was an abusive asshole who i delt with till early this year we finally got out. Me and my family have done things that i've enjoyed and i'm glad to spend time with. I can't say i have a bad life now but i always ruin anything good for myself. Not to mention i have huge self image issues i developed from bullying and my own dad. i can't enjoy doing regular things without wonder "do i look fat?" "how many calories are in that?" There's been so many times i've put on a top i thought looked cute, looked in the mirror and took it off, and changed into a big t-shirt. I struggle slightly with binging, say today, i ate probably 3500 calories. I feel so disgusting and dissapointed cause i was doing so well for about 2 weeks and eating well, lost weight, and now i feel like i lost all my progress. I just want to feel happy with myself and enjoy living but i dont think i ever will. I've been in love with someone for years and i know 100% they don't like me back, i told them i liked them, they said "aww, you think i didnt know?' I wanted to end it right there. I would do anything for this man and while he doesnt directly say rude things about me i know he doesnt find me attractive. i constantly look in the mirror thinking about the things wrong with me, and if i was prettier, skinnier, maybe he would actually love me. I know, its unhealthy, ive tried to stop it, i've tried to heal everything, i just cant.

When i was young i got pretty fucked up because of my dad. I done online school, never had a friend in real life, stayed inside all day. He would constantly degrade my mom and many times had huge fights that felt me and my siblings scared, to the point it became regular. He had been arrested for domestic violence when i was 4, i seen everything, he was shoving my mom against a wall, pushing her, left bruises on her. I remember screaming at him to stop, he yelled at me, i cried and cried. That same week before he ever got arrested, i had came upstairs to my dads bedroom and being the little girl i was wanted to sit on the bed, next think i know my mom was ontop of me. Not because she wanted to be but my dad had pushed her onto me on the bed and he was trying to rape her, i couldn't breathe, I was begging, " Mommy get off me" and i started crying. He's also done and said very weird and sexual things to me, he used to take me into his bedroom and lock the door, and the proceed to "Talk" (try to manipulate me) and would make me hold his hands, but my legs on/inbetween his, and tried to convince me to sit in his lap. He also done this thing where he would tickle my inner thight, knowing i reacted and his hand would "slip" and end up touching me. There was so many times i told him to stop and i dont like it, and all he did was make excuses for it and say i was crazy. I could tell if it was himm by his footsteps, the way he closed his car door, or basically any sound he made. Any conversation me and my mom or siblings were having instantly shut down if we even thought he was going to walk into the same room. i would be in constant fear something i said would trigger him into an outburst so i avoided answering his questions, he would act like i disrespect him and tell me how much of a selfish child i was. He was never there for us growing up, he worked, ate, slept, repeat. He never cared to take interest in us or find out what we liked, or do anything to bond with us. Once he lost his job only then did he want to act like he cared somewhat, then got mad when i told he no, i told he was never there, nevere there when i needed a dad, and wasnt going to here now, told him he knew nothing about us and he couldnt choose when he wanted to be a parent. He would always get pissed and it turned into me pratically running in circles around the house to avoid him cause he would walk around trying to get close to me and i didn't know if i was going to get hit or not, i was uncomfortable being anywhere close to him. He caused my mom to b completely emotionally unavailable so i had nobody to reply on when i needed my mom, my dad. I cried myself to sleep many nights and nobody noticed, nobody understood why i was constantly angry, it made me resent everybody, i contemplated multiple times taking my life. I told a friend about it, someone i thought very highly of and cared for alot, he helped me through those nights, but later infront of our other friends he brang up how he stopped me from killing myself, and used it as some kind of way to make me feel bad for saying someone in defense. I basically stopped talking to my "friends" even when i played a game with them cause anytime i did they somehow found a way to bully me for anything at all, and then would ask "why dont you talk".

I think about all this constantly and nobody knows, i'm have a huge fear of random men because i have the fear they all are like my dad. I have no real friends, and while i love my family and know they would understand my feelings to a point they also couldn't be there for me emotinally and i know that. My brothers have basically shut out their feelings and have turned to making fun or calling people "cringe" for talking about how they feel and i know its a result of how we grew up. I love them but we will never be that close, we talk, but we would never talk on that level. I still have major anxiety and feel like everyone around me is judging me. Im so jelous when i see people in healthy relationships. I'm so broken and unlovable, even i understand why men cant love me. I'm not pretty, interesting, or social. I cant blame them, but i just wish i had someone to love, someone to love me, someone to hold me, cuddle me. I crave attention and affection i know i'll never have. I feel so useless in this world, I have animals/pets, and at this point that is the small amount of joy i get in this world. I would do anything for my sweet babies. Other than that it feels like this endless loop i'll never get out of. Sometimes im in a good headspace but its always short term, i always end up back where i left of and im so done with it. Why can't i be happy? why cant someone choose me? I couldnt make my own dad love me how could i ever make a man love me? Each year goes by i make stupid goals and give myself false hope that never happens. I'm tired of myself and useless being on this earth. I do horribly in school and doubt i could deal with college, let alone find a decent job.

Also the internet sucks, everyone nowadays is so fearfull of being called cringe nobody can do anything they want to without being scared of being made fun of and now everyone is the same. If anyone dares talk about a serious topic the comments are all "it's not that deep" "just put the fries in the bag" like IT IS THAT FUCKING DEEP BRO. im so sick of social media bringing down anything the things people enjoy and people loosing interest in it because its suddenly embarrassing to like shit. The internet makes up the dumbest shit to be insecure about and the fact that tons of men will agree with the fact that whatever shit mentioned is unattractive just feeds even more into it. 'headphone waist" "legging legs" and that bullshit and im so tired of it, what happend to empathy?

I honestly think think i was meant for anything good in life, i just, exist. I dont think i have a purpose, it sucks, everything is just so hard that i dont even try to be human anymore. I've given up. I dont talk to people, i dont enjoy doing anything, i stay in my room most of the day. im just, done.

so I'm 34, been single for a LONG TIME
I'm in college and worked on a school project with BY FAR one of the most attractive women I've ever seen, problem though she's an exchange student from China and I don't think she is even 25 yrs old yet (she IS older than 18 but doubtful she's older than 25)
we worked on this project together and i missed my chance, though all was lost until today there was a public speaker on campus, which i made a point to attend and she was there

I'm blaming the language barrier if it comes off as weird but i just found her email address in the school directory and asked her out, I'm now freaking out that i did it and what if she says yes? what if she says "no"? the email is already sent and probably read by the time I finish posting this. i feel stupid for what i said in the email and here it is... (I put it in google so she has a Chinese version so there is less chance of getting lost in translation)

Before I ask this, please feel free to say no.
Also, I know this might be off putting and this isn't the appropriate use of student emails, but I wanted to ask you today at the fail fest speech but I needed to bring my daughter home.

Would you be interested in going out (on a date)  sometime with me? Maybe attend a hockey game or have dinner together?

Again, feel free to say no.

And please forgive Google translating this if it's not right 

I'm pretty such right now, and I have play my favorite game monster hunter worlds. I can't play it because I suck at the game when I'm sick. I don't know why I don't play normal when I'm sick. I mean I'm pretty average at the game, but I don't suck that bad. I can't read the moves the monsters pull off even when it's easy to read, and I can't even predict good because I predict bad! I hate being sick!

I come home to a quiet house with no one to talk to. I wish I had a mini me running around. My coworkers talking about their kids all the time and I just feel so alone.

So I was talking to this guy named Ryan for a while, and at first, it was great. He even told me he loved me, which honestly had me feeling like we had something serious. Although he has had a past with girls physically talking, he was my first kiss, one thing to note was that he did want to go further during the makeout but I stopped him. But then, out of nowhere, he started ghosting me. Like, he went from texting and calling all the time to barely speaking to me. The calls that used to be hours long turned into ten minutes max, and eventually, we just stopped talking altogether. I wasn’t mad about him talking to other girls (if he was) but it just hurt that he couldn’t even bother to talk to me anymore. And then later, he had the nerve to act like we were “just in a talking stage,” and he “didn’t know when we would be in a relationship” like he hadn’t been saying all that lovey-dovey stuff before.

Fast forward to Black Friday. I was at the mall with Rachel my friend, who was hanging out with her boyfriend, and I didn’t mind being the third wheel. She tried to set me up with her boyfriend’s friend to help me get over Ryan, and I wasn’t against it. I ended up giving the guy my number, but honestly, it was whatever. Rachel knew I wasn’t fully loyal to Ryan at this point because, let’s be real, he wasn’t even giving me anything to stay loyal to. And he said we were just a talking stage so I might as well keep my options open.

Later that night, I was debating calling Ryan. He had reacted to my story around 2am, complimenting me after a whole week of ignoring me. I thought maybe this was his way of trying to talk again, so I planned to call him around 3 a.m. But then I was like, “Nah, he’s probably asleep,” so I let it go. Rachel was sleeping over at my house.

Around 5am, Rachel woke me up and showed me a picture of Ryan with Sarah, this girl I kinda knew but wasn’t close with, because she would do instigating drama stuff and she would lie alot. I saw 3 pictures, but theres one out of the three that stood out was an imitate picture of them. Anyways I wasn’t even mad—I felt nothing. Like, if he was talking to her, fine, but why couldn’t he just talk to me? If he didn’t like me anymore, he could’ve just said so. Rachel, being Rachel, decided to call Sarah (after Sarah went home ) to ask if Ryan was flirting with her. At first, Sarah kept asking us why we were asking if he was, and I didn’t wanna tell her my business but I was too tired to protest that much and Rachel told her me and him were talking. Sarah said Ryan had made her uncomfortable, I obviously believed her bc she sounded serious. She claimed he was touching up on her and that she had to push him off. That was gross to hear, and I was honestly disgusted. And the thing was that everything she described he did, he was doing with me during our makeout together. I was so tired but I know for sure I told her at least 3 times to not mention me to him, I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. And I told Rachel to tell her to not mention me too when I woke up from my sleep, they were always close and Rachel said Sarah isn’t like that and she wouldn’t.

But then later, Rachel ( she went home at this point ) and I were on a FaceTime call with Sarah, and her whole vibe changed. She was giggling, saying how Ryan acted confused when she brought me up, like he didn’t even know me at first. And then he started saying that he knew me and started calling me by my nickname, and he said to her that we used to talk and that “she’s not in the room with us so why does she matter”. That quote stuck with me bc it made me think they saw each other in person again. Then she admitted she only kept talking to him because she wanted to “get put on with his friend.” At that point, I was like, what is even going on? Her story wasn’t adding up, and I started questioning everything. I asked for the pictures of them be sent to me ( idk why I asked I guess I wanted to see them so it helped me move on faster ) but Rachel and Sarah turn off their cameras and stay silent for a minute. I’m 100% they were texting each other during that because then they decided to screenshare the pictures and the intimate picture of Sarah and Ryan was deleted. And I left the call and Rachel texted me saying “ Sarah said if she knew yall actually had a thing she would never have done anything with him or made the gc” but girl u literally added Rachel to the groupchat in hopes for drama ??? Bye.

I kept telling Rachel and Sarah to leave me out of it in texts. I didn’t want my name brought up to Ryan at all. But guess what? Sarah went and added Rachel to a group chat with Ryan, his friend, herself, her friend, and Rachel. And even after I begged Rachel not to mention me, they still did. They were going off on Ryan about not being loyal to me in a call, which made no sense because Rachel knew I was talking to other guys, including her boyfriend’s friend. Like, why were they acting like I was mad about him talking to other girls when that wasn’t even the issue?

Ryan ended up getting mad, saying he felt set up, and honestly, I was mad too because everything they were doing was reflecting back on me. I didn’t want to be involved in any of this drama, but they dragged me into it anyway. And to top it all off, Sarah was still talking to Ryan even after claiming he made her uncomfortable. It was all so messy, and I was over it. I yelled at Rachel for mentioning me in the groupchat because I told her at least 15 times to not mention me but she went over my boundaries and did it anyway, she said that she did it because she saw me crying about him and she was just so mad at him for it and she was right I was crying, not because he was talking to other girls but because he stopped talking to me and the fact that i believed he made Sarah uncomfortable.

At this point, I’ve just been crying, throwing up, and barely eating. It’s not even about Ryan talking to other girls—I don’t even want a relationship with him anymore. What hurt lwas how he ghosted me after everything he said and how this whole situation spiraled out of control. And I’m even more hurt that my best friend was supposed to have my back which I guess she did but going over my boundaries to do it is insane. I told her that I need a break from her, she didn’t understand why. She thought I wanted to end the friendship over a guy, which is NOT TRUE. I felt my boundaries being violated and I just can’t respect that. I don’t care to talk to Sarah one on one about the whole situation because Rachel was describing her in the call and all it sounded was her instigating like she did back in highschool. Ryan is just on ghost again but I can’t complain because if what he did was true then I want no parts to do with him.

I'm tired of just being used and treated as labor by my family.

But my parents got divorced last year. I'm a woman in my 30s, so this didnt have a lot of direct impact on me, and honestly relieved they finally divorced. My mother trauma dumped on me and kept "confiding" in me for months leading up to her actually leaving him. Even through my little sisters wedding she acted completely normal towards my dad and I was the only one who knew what she was about to do. While I was doing everything for my sisters wedding, setting up every table/chair/decor, did all the flowers - my sister and mom were chilling.

A week after the wedding, my mom left my dad by leaving a note on the bathroom cabinet. My dad spent the next couple months crying on my couch, he was blindsided. My mother barely spoke to me and was all happy, excitedly getting her apartment decorated and telling me she never loved my dad and mostly was married to him "for the kids". While my dad was falling apart.

It sucked. It was awkward. Holidays were super weird. But whatever, we kept it together for my kids. As we started 2024, I warned them that this year is going to be very key for my business. I told them dont even ask me to do anything May/June/Sept/Oct. Those of course were the only times my mother asked me to do anything. I had a very tricky, new construction build, my mother never even stopped by to see it until the grand opening and still spent the whole time focused on my dad.

October was so busy for me, that my husband was having to remind me to shower. I was often working 6:30 am until midnight. There were 2 days that month that I was "off" and I used to go see my favorite band in concert and the other day I tried to sleep but was mostly catching up on paperwork. My mother kept calling, I literally did not have time to talk. She calls my dad freaking out about me not talking to her and wanting to know why I was ignoring her. Telling hin that she was just wanting to bring me dinner (she never did or even said that) I warned her what that month would be like that, its like that every year but I told her repeatedly that this October would be even more so.

And my birthday was in August. My mother gave me a card saying she would pay for a massage for me. These IOU type gifts have never gone well, they would typically blow up on me when I was younger and she would do this. So i just never said anything about it and she never brought it up, until today.

Today she texts me saying that she just remembered she owed me a massage for my birthday, and would like to make it a girls day for us to go spend the day at the spa together. Or she could just get me a giftcard.

I keep staring at the message. It feels like a trap. I'm mad Im put in this situation. I'm mad that I LOVE receiving gifts, but they always end up like this. I do not like chocolate, I havent since I was a child. Yet every year she tries to give me a stocking full of chocolate. Or the gift would come broken from shipping, she would say she would exchange it but never happened. Stuff like that.

And my dad, despite how much he's leaned on me this last year too. He just didnt get me anything for my birthday but wanted my help to figure out what to get my brother for his birthday last week. My brother and sister also decided and informed me that we're not doing sibling christmas gifts this year. Which is fine. But I feel like I got shafted. Im the oldest by 6 years. So there were many years when they were too young (but I was also young, freshly out of school) that it was still important for me to get them gifts. Both of their birthdays are within a month of Christmas, but i always wanted it to feel special and separate. As they grew up they just never got me a birthday gift and they would "combine" gifts from them to me as an IOU for a massage or something like that and they just never would actually. I was always too embaressed and uncomfortable to say anything. Because it feels so dumb, theyre just gifts. I just want to feel cared about really.

So this is a stupid long rant. Im just hurt, sad, and mad. I wish I had an actual mom that cared about me. There is just so much more I could say and backstory, but really I should get back on my therapists schedule, obviously.