I know if we ever got back together there would be a brief honeymoon stage but then it would all revert back to the chaos and constant drama. I know this because between us, it’s already happened numerous times. But we seemed to be so great at discussing plans, ideas and strategies in terms of life goals, etc… That between the bad times, during the brief moments of good times, we accomplished and actually did some of these things. We acknowledged we had the world by its tail. We seemed to be the most successful and able to accomplish these things together more so than any of the other times we were apart. Because we would spend lengthy times apart but always end up back together, once again.

Only to have everything fall apart eventually once again, within 24 hours for whatever reason. They could just flip a switch to off and be gone. In retrospect I know it was because they found more exciting supply they were already cultivating… but inevitably this new supply wouldn’t be quite as accommodating as I was, I guess, and I realize now I was kind of fuzzy with boundaries. He’d hook up with strong, successful women but it would never last. He would come back to me. And I am well aware it was because I didn’t have boundaries I would stick to. I was a co-dependant too.

Anyway, I understand the dynamics here but yet I find myself thinking of our plans, the things we could have done… and honestly, when things were good it would have worked. Yes, I know somewhere within me I have the resources to make these things happen by myself without him. But it is holding me back, always thinking “what if….” Even though I know it was never going to be. It sends me to a place I know I don’t need to be or want to be, but yet I am spending way too much time there and should be moving on 😢

Just venting. I already know the answers but that makes it even more frustrating I am stuck here.

My husband is an alcoholic and relapsed March 23. He then created a dating profile of March 30, but a friend just sent me screenshots last week. I had been out of town visiting family for almost 10 days. I got home and also found condoms in his drawer. I felt something was up as there were a pack of cigarettes in our bedroom and neither of us smoke. He is a totally different person when he drinks and during this relapse, he’s left 3-4 saying he’s going to the store or to grab us dinner then doesn’t return until 2-6am. He will turn off his phone or just ignore me. Once as I was putting our baby to sleep, I heard him leave knowing I was busy and snuck out. He says not to blow him up so I just started ignoring him. I’ve also disconnected when he drinks and focus on the baby. Even before he relapsed,we had been arguing a lot, but I was frustrated because we both worked (he got fired recently) full time and he expected me to handle all things baby and cleaning or cooking when I had time. He just throws the food away that I make so I also stepped back. He would just come home and go upstairs on his phone or sleep. Fast forward, I confronted him about the profile and he laughed at me. He said that because he wanted attention from me. Obviously he’s not getting good attention. He said he knew people would see it and he wanted this to happen. I also asked him about the condoms and he said he planted those there because he knew I’d find them… I honestly feel crazy at this point. I’ve been documenting everything and somehow he managed to get into my phone and saw everything. He’s done a lot of other shady stuff like liking Of girls and porn stars on insta then blocking me and telling me he deleted it. I also found a receipt from a bar and when I asked him he called me psychotic and crazy. Today I told him I didn’t trust him after ALL that he’s done and he always responds in a way that makes me feel bad. Saying I don’t love him enough and I’ve done things that have broken his trust and that I’m not perfect and just prideful. Lastly, I went to get tested for STDs after everything and how hypersexual he gets when on his binges. He called me on the way to the doctor saying i was wasting my time and money, he said if anything were to come back positive it was because I did something. I’ve never crossed lines of being faithful and really value marriage coming from a family that really prioritizes healthy marriages. He also bought me some proactive outfits to wear and says I need to dress sluttier. He kept asking me to flash people publicly while on my trip and bought me sex attire. When I refused to put on some tights his response was not to get mad at him for looking at other women or talking to other women. He spent most of the trip just asking for sexy pictures and telling me how horny he was and that he was staying off of porn so to send him stuff.. I want to get out but for some reason feel like I’m the villain and caused all of this. I started to question myself constantly and who I am now and anything I’ve said. Of course I’ve called him out in arguments because I can only take so much but I feel bad despite everything. Like am I the narcissist? I even feel bad opening up about to on here, to my therapist or anyone because I feel like I’m painting him out to be a villain.

just saw a video talking about healing and this was the first thing the lady said. figured i would share it for anyone feeling like breaking NC or going back, staying stuck. whatever the case may be.

Hi all, I'm 5 months single and 2 months no contact just wanted to know if anyone else relates to me.

In the 4, almost 5 years I was with my ex, I broke up with her around 2 dozen times. But she wouldn't let me leave. She knew that I couldn't handle guilt, or seeing her cry and she would cry and be so sad and I would feel horrible. It was in these moments she promised she would change, that she would help me get over her cheating on me.

And IDK how to explain it, but seeing my partner cry is literally my kryptonite. It makes my heart physically hurt so badly when she would cry every time I tried to leave her. I wanted to make her feel better, I felt like a monster, I believed I was the bad one in the relationship, and I thought if she was crying like this then she really did love me.

I know i'm weak for that, but its why it took me so many tries to finally stick the landing in regards to walking away.

And one time she said "No" to me when I broke up with her, lol.

Another thing she would do is refuse to leave my apartment. On two occassions I gave her a month to move out, and she didn't even pack a single shirt and didn't leave. Meanwhile I was trying to handle college and her BS.

When she did this it was like war, I was trying to get my degree and live my life and she was sending small attacks of guilt trips to get me back. Sad messages, promises of change, literal pictures of her crying on instagram stories. It was like a war of attrition and she war me down - to me it was easier to get back with her.

This final breakup, she didn't make any attempt to move out for SIXTY days. She was trying to wear me down again. The only reason I was able to get her out is because I got my mother and older sister involved. I told them I can't handle my ex and they stepped in - and quite frankly, intimidated her and terrified her into leaving. That's the only reason why I was able to break free.

And she didn't even get all her stuff (That I packed!) She just grabbed a few trashbags of clothes, her ID/passport, and left. I was left to throw out/donate all her crap.

Also, she had nowhere to go.. I felt like I was condeming her to a life of poverty and homelessness if I threw her out. And she would tell me how she has nowhere to go. Guess that was a lie too.. She pretty quickly moved in with a family member in a nice city and got herself a pretty good job too, lol. (I am so thankful for this that I don't have to worry if she's okay or not)

Sorry for the long post this turned into a big vent haha, anyways - can anyone relate? Did it also take you a lot of breakup attempts to finally leave for good?

I just saw someone who was a very good friend of mine hanging with my nex after I told him he abused me physically (I kept that in secret until recently). Me and him are nor friends anymore but it's still shocking to me that he talks to him.

Anyway I figured should I block them all from every social media? Why or why not? What was your experience with blocking / not blocking flying monkeys?

For the record my nex is blocked everywhere obviously

It's been 3 months since NC and me learning about his new supply, but we've been broken up for almost a year. I just wanna know exactly why I shouldn't upload videos to Youtube/FB/etc that show his face of him verbally abusing me. I already couldn't get bodycam footage from his arrest where he admitted everything to the cops. Why should I care that he might find it satisfying that I 'still care that much' to bother exposing him? Isn't this his greatest fear? Why does he deserve peace?? This man did so many unspeakable things to me and yet he has so many flying monkeys.

Also I see too many comments where people say they exposed their ex and didn't regret it and I wonder if I'm making a mistake by doing nothing and just letting him off just like that. It's bad enough he got a crap ton of money from a lawsuit right after we broke up when he was financially abusing me before, always staying broke and relying on me being much smarter than him with money because I made significantly less than him but was never broke. Then got a car with his money when he carbused me (lol idk what you'd call that.) Forcing me to drive 90% of the time and forcing me to let him use it whenever he wanted. He had a car the first month we were dating then it 'broke for good' and he just let it sit and get towed. And just used my car. The new girl gets a car, 4 years I never did

Convince me why the hell I shouldn't expose this piece of sh**

My nex gf had to be the most selfish person I’ve ever met. Some of the things she would say would actually blow my mind lol I was going to get a new apartment in Hollywood and she said I’m selfish because I should be paying her rent first. Was messing around about getting a new car and she said not until I get her one first. Couldn’t get a new phone unless she got one as well. Couldn’t go to the gym anymore until I buy her a pass so she can go to. If I spent a certain amount on clothes I better be ready to pay the same amount or more on her. I’m telling you the list goes on and on. She can never be happy you were doing something for yourself, she always had to see where she can fit in.

I was thinking out loud and writing in my journal when I remembered how much I liked picnic dates and he never took me for any of that. I recalled how he never asked what I wanted as a partner. Then suddenly I recalled when once I planned a picnic date and carried all the stuff with me, and I don't remember the reason of the fight, but he just fought with me and left me alone in the park. I tried my best to not be affected by it and sketch for a while but, I was so miserable that I kept crying in silence. When a kid came up to me and asked me why I am so sad and why am I crying. I felt so embarrassed and left.

He never apologized with effort or flowers or anything. Infact we had a huge fight, because I thought he should apologise and he just straight out said he doesn't think he should. So he wouldn't. Even went on to said I am controlling and he would rather not be with me than give in to everything I want.

This was a man who never went down on me for 5 years and didn't care that I didn't orgasm, no foreplay nothing. And post breakup said, he hasn't been attracted to me for the past year because of my behaviour. And ultimately cheated on me as a way of showing me the door, because " I just won't leave".

There are so many such incidents that I remember now and it makes me feel disgusted with myself that I let someone treat me like that, just because I was in love with them and thought they felt the same. But reality, I feel like 5 years was a scam. The relationship didn't exist. I once stayed up all night to make a painting that was almost as big as me, 5 feet by 4feet, just so he would wake up to it as a surprise and he didn't even wish me "Valentine's Day" and when I asked him, he said, you didn't either. I like flowers too.And ofcourse I thought, maybe I could have done something.

4 years. Physical, psychological, sexual violence, gaslighting, lying, lovebomb/devalue/discard etc etc.

I have been discarded again (Ive learned though he isnt breaking up, but just fades out until he wants to come back is also a discard) and this time I think Ive known within that I cant take anymore. Im so unhappy, unwell and my body is starting to shut down, being tested for autoimmune diseases.

6 months ago I called a hotline, after he had a narcissistic tantrum and I was scared and sad. They got me in touch with an organisation for women in abusive relationships. Ive been talking to them once in awhile. It got so bad they recommended I contacted a womensshelter so I could live there. We dont live together so I feel safe in the regard, but I feel so utterly mind fucked that Ive completely lost my way to think rational, I blame myself and feel bad for him.

Ive listened to maybe 50 hours of podcasts on abusive relationships these last two weeks. Its doing something to my brain. Im starting to be able to look at the situation objectively. Ive gone through old messages Ive written to my friends years back, and starting to remember what it was actually like. Ive forgotten so much. When I read how I described it back then, I can see the lovebombing, the confusion of mix messages, him treating me like absolute crap. Its hard for me to understand now how Ive gone along with it. I do feel like Ive learned alot since then, and I dont think I would end up in a situation like it again. I have remembered the beginning as good but it was just confusing, and that was probably exciting.

I feel anger about it all but its different. Before it was a very confused and sad form of anger, where I felt my life and reality was being taken away from me. Now I feel grounded in my anger. Ive felt so entangled in him, as if I needed to tell him everything, my thoughts and feelings even though I knew he wasnt a safe person, otherwise I was dishonest. At the same time he lied to me all the time and not just about small stuff. I dont even want to share my anger with him now, or anything really.

Tonight I feel like I can breath for the first time in 4 years. I dont feel like the world is ending. I think I feel like I am finally free. That Im okay. I understand why I reacted the way I did in certain situations, its not a way I want to react again however I never want to put myself in a situation again where it makes me feel like that, an anxious pathetic mess with no selfworth. Im starting to understand there is nothing there will fix the relationship. Im starting to accept he did abuse me in many ways, and that it was severe. Im accepting I can both acknowledge that and still feel empathy for him, and I can still feel bad about not handling it better than I did. I can both look at him with kindness and understanding, yet call it what it is and say thats not my burden. Even if he did a complete turnover, I would never feel safe with him and I wouldnt be able to forget. Ive had a toxic loyalty to him. I had actually seriously thought about how I could just learn to be miserable and neglected for the rest of my life, and when we had kids I could protect them if he did the same stuff to them. Whyyy. Thats scary.

I know its going to take a long time to heal but Im finally hopeful. I keep remembering new things from the past Ive forgotton or put aside, everything is a big what the fuck. What the actual fuck.

I haven’t seen my nex in person in almost six months. I have tried to maintain no contact but whether it is to lash out and accuse me of ruining her life or trying to offer me gifts and hoover me back, she keeps initiating contact every couple of weeks.

I currently have all of her accounts, numbers, and emails blocked on every platform I can think of but in the past she has even resorted to harassing me via unlisted numbers.

I am slowly rebuilding my sense of self and becoming stronger but the fear always lingers in the back of my mind that she is going to find a new way to get to me and hurt me. I am on the verge of changing my number and email address but that feels like letting her win and she knows where I live and where I work and so on regardless, so I feel like there is nothing I can truly do to escape her.

I just want to be left alone and the fear that she will find new ways to get to me and hurt me weighs on me every single day. How do you cope with that? Does it ever get easier?

I broke NC and reached out to my nex after 6 weeks. I was emotional and had a weak moment after I found out she had turned another person against me. I emailed her telling her to do the right thing and tell the truth, she responded back telling me if I ever contacted her again she would press charges for harassment. This is the same person who came over and exchanged gifts with my wife and kids on Christmas. The same person who told me I was the most important person to her outside of her family. After we had a fight around New Years a flip switched and she turned against me and betrayed me. With this final message she sent me it has help me realize even more that she is narcissistic and maybe even a sociopath. Thank you for reading my rant.

28F, he is 29M. Over 3.5 years, I feel as though this person genuinely tried to break me down and I hate to say he succeeded.

Throughout the relationship, he gave me genital herpes, trich, hpv, and numerous BV issues over the years...We met and what I was drawn to was how open he was about his life. His issues with his mother, the fact that people always abandoned him, etc. I now realize this was a manipulation method that I fell for. He lied to me constantly, but gaslit me so well that after hearing his pov, I would end up feeling like I am the one who did something wrong. Even things I knew not to make sense, there was always a story, and anytime I would question his side with facts, I was the problem.

When I saw him soliciting a prostitute the first time, he broke down crying and asked me not to leave or judge him because he never did anything with her while we were together. Then he admitted to having a problem where he realizes it was wrong for him to do this, but he just needed help from a therapist in understanding why he got a thrill from it...

That was the first time, so I felt bad and let it go. After all, I didn't see them meet up right? Well, later in the relationship, I went through his phone and saw he had a google voice number. I went through and saw hundreds of chats with various prostitutes that went on for years. I felt so disgusting, but by this point, we were married. Found out a week after we got married that while I was traveling for work, he slept with a prostitute behind my back. He only admitted to it months later during another argument. What could I do? I blamed my self.

Fast forward, I ended up getting pregnant during a time where we were having major issues and I was at the end of my rope. He was in major debt and I didn't know the extent of it until after we were married. I found out I was pregnant on Valentines day 2024, and scheduled the abortion on the 16th, my birthday was the 29th. I only found out I was pregnant bc my gyno asked me to come in after my pap smear showed I had HPV + abnormal cells that needed to be retested to make sure they weren't cancerous. During intake, they asked my last period and I realized then that I was late. That appointment turned into a sonogram/next steps appt.

When I told him, I brought the sonogram for proof. He gets irate about why I would make the decision on my own. I had a panic attack and cried harder that I ever had in my life. I felt so guilty about having an abortion bc of my personal/religious beliefs, but I had no other choice seeing what reality would've been like for my baby. I stepped outside my car to try and catch my breath. He stayed in my car. I glance back for a second and I see him trying to look through my text messages/call log on my carplay. I lost it.

I get back In the car yelling telling him to get out and never talk to me again. He refused and tried to hug me, I was so disgusted at him by this point. Then he snatched the sonogram out of my hand said said "fuck you, and fuck this(talking about the sonogram)" then tried to lock me out the house. I ran after him and physically fought him for my sonogram back. It was all I would be left with. After getting the abortion, I booked a trip and went to PR for my birthday not even two weeks later. I cried the entire time while on vacation. He got me nothing for my bday, but the day he found out I was leaving, threw multiple tantrums about why it was messed up for me to be going on my own. Why I shouldve told him, etc. I come back and he scheduled couples therapy. I went. That was one of the worst emotional experiences of my life.

I started seeing a therapist on my own, and its only been 3 months, but I just feel like I don't know how to make progress. I feel broken. While all this is happening in my personal life, my work life is highly stressful on top. And I also became financially responsible for multiple family members at once.

New here and coming to terms with all this…

My nex would always accuse me of being verbally abusive. I can let out a string of curse words like a sailor. And often, during fights, I would look him in the eye and say “F*** You!” I would say, “you’re acting like your father.” To which he would reply, “you’re acting like your mother.” I recently discovered narc rage abuse and know I was driven to that point often. So, am I verbally abusive? I’m really struggling to figure out what constitutes verbal abuse.

Why is there no remorse from her? I'm a man, and I'm made to feel pathetic constantly, to the point I'm crying my eyes out. Then I'm mocked.

Tonight she said she didn't care if I died. She's not a nice person. I'm always making out in my head she is, because she isn't always like this, but she always finds a way to get back here.

I'm 37. I'm almost fully grey from the stress she has put me through. Constant break up talk. Telling me how shit I am. Telling me how lazy I am, even though I work, watch the kids, do as much as I can around the house.

It's mothers day tomorrow, and i actually don't want to do anything for her because of how horrible she is being. It's not fair.

I see all these memes, online posts about women not realising when they have a good man. Why can't she realise I'm a good fucking person. I'm so fucking sick of her hurting me, and not being able to do anything about it.

She keeps bringing up that I have failed relationships so I must be a piece of shit. I literally have had a 10 yr, 9mth, and ours 5yrs relationship. That's all. I've slept with 3 women my whole life.

Everything I do is wrong. Or it's not good enough. Or I'm being fake. Everytime I do something nice, I'm being fake apparently. She doesn't seem to know me. Doesn't seem to understand how soft and kind I am. I'm taken for granted and she walks all over me. I actually have to accept how horrible to me, she is. It's not fair. It hurts beyond belief. 💔

She seen one of my notes I left on my phone, just venting, and lost it. I'm not allowed to even express how hurtful she is, because in her mind she isnt hurtful at all. Everything is my fault. Like LiTEraLLY fucking EVERYTHING. Five years and she has genuinely apologised, maybe twice.

I bought a ring to propose to her more than a year ago. She hasn't given me one month where there is no break up talk, or one week even, where we don't go a day or two fighting.

I'm exhausted. She said I, and our 3 KIDS were pieces of shit last night, and that she hated us ALL.. yes, you read that right. Our 4, 3 and 1 year olds.

She doesn't get it. There's no responsibility. I'm stonewalled for punishment. Says she doesn't care about me to get back at me.

I love this women so much,but it's honestly getting harder to say because I fucking hate her for ruining us. Fuck her. Fucking fuck.

I’ve been with this person for about a year and this has been a reoccurring issue. My partner and I work at the same establishment. We’ve both been there for over a year and met each other while working there. I am a very bubbly people person, which is one of the reasons why I really enjoy working there because it is conducive to my personality. I have a lot of male coworkers whom I am friends with and interact with (as well as female). It has been a reoccurring issue that my partner does not like seeing me “be friendly” with my male coworkers and will call me out on it, saying I’m being disrespectful to him. I have never once told him that he can’t interact with female coworkers and have never tried to put him in a box for his personality. In fact, he has female friends at the job whom he openly interacts with. When I’m doing the same, it’s a problem and I’m being “too friendly” and that’s “disrespectful”. Recently, I was talking excitably to one of my male coworkers about music, and of course he saw this and ran with it. He started taunting me by addressing me as Friendly every time he saw me, and I had had enough. I started completely ignoring him and text him and told him that my name was not Friendly and I would not be addressed as such. I also told him he was jealous and insecure for having an issue with guys that had no chance with being with me. He completely blew up over the fact that I stood up for myself, specifically for using the words jealous and insecure. We had our worst fight ever over this. At this point, I’m just at my wits end and tired of my work relationships and my personality being criminalized.

I remember when I met her, she was finishing her school and sometimes going out to drink with the same group of friends.

So we continue to get to know each other, fine, I saw some bad? Flaws, and also a lot of other things that I genuinely started loving of her, some things that we really seemed to be like each other. Then she finishes school, and she keeps partying a bit harder, staying over these groups of friends houses (in each social media existing she was having a whole lot of different people that she talked to and was meeting some really old friends from her past and some new, I was really impressed to how many people and social media can one person have and actually use daily).

I started expressing her my concerns that if we are gonna pursue a serious relationship it is over my limits and cross my boundaries that she goes to pubs to drink and after alone usually with one or two male friends to sleep there and drink raw whiskey the whole night appart of the fact that 5 months into our relationship they never seemed to want to get to know me.

So after some forcing discussions on where I did not bend over my own boundaries, she finally accepts and stops sleeping around.

Then there was this special friend of her, lets call her T, that she usually called and basically bring me into a videocall with this lady. It was like +20 calls, when she told me that this girl harasses her, and some months after this incident on where I had a fight and cut this lady off, (yes, me, I cut her off our lives) when she admitted to me that this lady raped her when she was 16. Why would you have me inocently videocalling with someone that did you this and I only get to find out so long after? I still dont know.

I started thinking, wow between her going out, drugs, alcohol and dissapearing the whole night in the middle of the week or the whole weekends, and this kind of people that she has in her life, I feel exhausted, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore inside all of this. I started questioning my own sanity. Just, why would you keep putting me in strange positions with people who had hurted you or people who shows that they want to drunk you and fuck you?

Then incident by incident, other people, fights because of partying and alcohol, im a boring person, I never do plans (i try to save money and give her weekends out with flowers romantic dinners, alcohol… i just prefer to save a bit of money and do things right). blablabla, a lot of bad replies, storming out of the house because she is uncapable to talk things through with me when to me, I think I bring up normal concerns.

A year goes by and wow I feel empty inside. I dont even want to talk now anymore about my life, it is exhausting to live like this. Im ashamed I let myself in these kind of situations that she put me in and now I just snap and I slap her when anything goes wrong. I just hate her. My boudaries I had to enforce them because anyways she dont wanna leave me? She never let me break up with her nor respected who I am and the type of life im pursuing and I have told her that I respect if she wants to keep certain people in her life that I dont accept or certain habits like drinking or partying that I honestly let her go, I dont want to force her to be who she dont wanna be also!

Everything went so wrong, that even when I am slaping her in the face or wherever my hand lands, I feel like I am doing right, but hey guys, before this I never slapped any fucking body. And rationally, I know it is not fucking right to slap anyone in the face, but why the police has to come into my roomie house because they heard people yelling? I barely never yell and I have BPD and I get triggered when people yells, I told her this since month one, that I love to know my partners boundaries and to feel listened and respected as how I give.

She has nothing to blame me that is not insulting her for acting like a whore, being a drunk, not acknowledging any of this and slapping her…

But guess wat? All of the things she complained are MY FUCKING REACTIONS TO SO MUCH NEGLECTING, I FUCKING TRIED to break up with her last september because the flaws were just TOO MANY she again didnt wanna leave me. She loves me. She will change. She only likes alcohol in special ocasions (mind you both her parents are alcoholic and SHE Drinks 4-5 week) she promised promised promised… then I try to break up like 10 times more! Then police came twice for screamings! Wtf I just want her to fuck off!

Fuck you! And fuck all of you if you think I did wrong for slapping her after arriving to my home drunk after dissapearing the whole weekend in a random person house (she even took drugs that a friend had gave me A YEAR AGO THAT I WAS FUCKING SAVING and took them with lord god knows who) to then come all blackout drunk saying sorry stinking

And then im the BAD one!?

I have so much rage right now. Sorry for this horrible ranting. I repeat I know violence is not right, but I dont know who I am after I put myself in a relationship mind games honestly. Im sorry if i triggered anyone. Im so triggered myself. She just left today after almost a year of suffering…

Am I the narcissist??!?! May be its all my fault for staying with her when I saw that she did not care a shit about any boundaries nor had any herself. :/

So.. this is going to be a long one. And I am out of options, so bear with me. I also don't really know what I am looking for. Any advice or comfort is appreciated.

So back in april 2022 I met a nice guy at work. We became friends really quick, because we pretty much have all the same interests (music, games etc). And I would say we flirted. Thing is: at that time I was still in a relationship with my long term boyfriend. We broke up in september 2022 for various reasons.

My guy from work (let's call him J.) was, at that time, really into me. We spoke and texted daily for hours. December 2022 he asked me to date him, he was really determined to see this through and wanted to spend christmas and new years with me. :D Which was really sudden because he pressured really hard on that idea. And I was so happy I agreed to go on a date with him early january. We had a time and a place and everything. At that time I already had plans to spend the holidays with my ex. Not romantically. We parted ways as friends. And we have animals and we both live far away from home. J. was incredibly upset about that. He canceled our date and went MIA. He said he is not "good enough" for me. And I found out he regularly abuses drugs and alcohol. I even only rarely saw him at work.

A month passed and he hoovered for the first time and we slowly started talking again, yet he refused to meet me privately. In March he visited me late at night and we kissed.

This is were chaos ensued.

The day after we kissed he told me this was a terrible idea and that he is not into me (??) and that he is not good for me. He wanted to remain friends. This broke my heart into million pieces, let me tell you. I lost 10kgs in a few weeks. Because I felt sick everytime I ate. :( I am not a girl that just "hooks up" with people. And even kissing means a lot to me. Anyway. After that he went MIA again.

In May he hoovered and started connecting again and had a few nice weekends together. Just kissing and cuddling, no sex. It was a really wholesome time. I was pretty sure it's going to work out this time. He then went on a holiday and came back with a freshly updated tinder-profile (looking for open relationship and poly) and no intention to "reconnect" again after he went away. And he went MIA again.
After that he had several severe happenings in his life (deaths of important people) and he fell into a hole of severe substance abuse. Later last year he told me "i should forget everything and everything we did was a mistake".

I always felt like he desires closeness to people but once it get too close, he backs away. He was just really sweet all around when things were "good". That's why I have a hard time letting go. He can also lash put really badly if he feels self-concience about something. He doesnt like himself or how he looks and says I deserve better. He is also severly depressed. He always said he really enjoyed our time together only for it to be a "mistake" the day after.

Then there came times where we had no contact at all, and all of a sudden he started hoovering (always at night, always on drug or drunk).

Now this is where it gets weird.

He was curious about bdsm stuff and I was the first woman he ever told this about (at least thats what he told me) and this was really special to him and he wanted us to try stuff out. Even without being in a relationship and "as friends". Since I was curious about that too I said yes.

Spoiler alert: It never came to be. Because he started ghosting me and very occassionally hoovering and writing me explicit fantasies about me usually late at night. But only texting.

I THEN found out he was hiding an actual GIRLFRIEND from me for the past YEAR. This very nearly threw me off the edge. I confronted him.

And he blamed ME for not telling me sooner, because he thought I was "crazy" and he had to protect her from me.

Get this: this poor girl does not know he abuses drugs and alcohol and that he asked me to be kinky with him. I tried to warn her about it, but she blocked me immediately and obviously didn't believe me. Now I am being framed as the "crazy and unstable" one, by someone who cheated with me on default. (I do count sexy texts and faking interest as cheating). And he is now trying hard to proof he is a good boyfriend and I was just "the wrong one for him". He already started smearing me to mutual friends.

I was incredibly in love with this dude, not gonna lie. And even with all this bull, I'd probably take him back when he would apologize to me. :(
I'm already in therapy. I started eating again without throwing up and meet friends.

The one thing that annoys me the most is the fact that he's just continuing doing his thing (unscathed) and that he is hurting even more people in the process. I just hope karma hits him sometime in the future.

I'll write it short and simple: I've tried to change the narc and I was so good with my efforts that my psychologist said I should become one of them and is getting me into psychology studies.

After 8 months of trying everything everyday, the result was still this: Little, sporadic empathy, horrific selfishness, and actions that cut and hurt me like knives. He went on torturing me psychologically.

To describe you the extent of his actions: He broke up with me over a 20 second vid call weeks to our wedding. Right after that, he started contacting me like crazy, getting my hopes up, promising things, then pulling himself away again. Hot and cold, hot and cold.

Their actions will not seem logical so it will make you wonder and you might be trapped.

Hi, first post here. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years with a couple of breakups in between. He’s the only other man who my son has known as partner beside my ex husband.

Anyway, 8 years ago I helped him get off drugs and he’s been clean for years. We argue alot because he doesn’t think I’m raising my son right by letting him do certain things like play video games. Then he’ll turn around 3 days later and cry about how a great mom I am.

Small example and you get the idea, but he’s where my head is fucked…

3 months ago I had a terrible bout of covid and the flu. Now, boyfriend is always out of sorts and cranky when he wakes up, but 2 nights in a row I woke up and called for him because I had was on the floor, very weak.”

He came in confused but then started yelling at me when I asked him to get a bucket. Then he kept rambling about calling 911 because he wasn’t going to explain to my son why his mother died in bed…? A lot of other random shit, too.

The second night I fell, I actually tried to call my 12- year-old son first but he was sleeping. Again, I called out for my boyfriend because I had no choice. He came in from the couch, pissy again asking what was wrong with me in a condescending way. He was yelling and it got to the point where I was pleading for him to leave the room. And he did.

Like I said he’s always cranky but the treatment from those 2 nights were the icing. Of course I told my therapist who’s very pragmatic what happened and said “He must have not known what he was doing because he was still half asleep…” My therapist looked at me and said, “No, he’s an insecure fucking narcissist.”

I don’t know, I have a pretty good idea what’s real but I’m scared and insecure and not sure my feelings about this are valid so here I am.

ETA: when asked about the “tantrums” he swears he doesn’t remember them at all.

TW violence, sexual harassment, cheating

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. He cheated constantly with numerous women, broke my toe, choked me on our anniversary, kicked me repeatedly until I collapsed, I wound up financially dependent on him, wound up suicidally depressed. It was hell.

We broke up a year ago and live on different continents now. He got a new girlfriend a few months ago and we weren't on speaking terms. He recently reached out to tell me his mother unexpectedly passed and started talking here and there.

Was sort of fine until he started trying to turn things sexual. It started as suggestive comments, and I would change the subject. Last night though he insisted, said graphically sexual stuff and I had to be direct. I said I didn't want to help him cheat. He kept going, told me he's been jerking off to my nudes (that I repeatedly asked him to delete months ago), and that his girlfriend is just "someone he is dating, not a serious partner".

He wouldn't stop, so I told him that I am seeing someone. Which is true. I met someone about a month ago. Not serious but I like him and want to see where it goes. Once my ex learned that I'm seeing someone he calls me a whore who is just dating for sex. I tried to point out his hypocrisy, but he didn't acknowledge it and said he isn't comfortable talking to me if I'm seeing someone.

He also cheated repeatedly on all of his past partners. He was secretly in TWO committed relationships when I first met him. He sent the last girl death threats. She reported him to the police - they didn't believe her. Years later when I reported him to the police for assaulting me multiple times, they didn't believe me either.

It's a clear pattern for him. He abuses women, calls them crazy, minimizes his behavior and finds a way to justify it. It was upsetting to see him repeat this all over again.

I told him that the way he treated me was horrible, that he traumatized me, and that I hope he learns to treat others better. He called me crazy, that he just cheated on me and I'm making a bigger deal of things than I should. He's never expressed any remorse, acknowledged any of his bad behavior and I honestly don't think he is capable of empathy. Am I crazy? I feel like something is really truly wrong with him. Like there is something missing from his brain.

In another way it is kind of freeing. I thought it was my fault that he treated me that way. That I was too ugly or not good enough. If I was better maybe he wouldn't have abused me or cheated. But no. This is just what he does. And seeing the contrast between my ex and my new partner - I don't romanticize toxicity anymore.

I just don't understand how there are people in this world who are so ... empty.

I'm a 28f. My ex is a 40m. He was the first person I dated, he was a coworker, and he became a friend when I was having a hard time after a family member got hurt and was hospitalized. He was my shoulder to cry on and it seemed everything I liked, he liked. I came to the dating game late, I had family stuff going on throughout my teenage years and couldn't deal with the stress of dating on top of it. He lied to me a lot. And manipulated me. I didn't understand that wasn't how it was supposed to be, he was the first guy I'd dated. We were together 1 and a half years. I broke up with him in February of 2022. I had loaned him a large amount if money and had to keep in contact to get repaid. In that time, he came up with stories that his dog was heartbroken that I wasn't around anymore. He tried telling me he was sick with liver failure. He wanted me to come to his house one night to get his dog so he could go on a "trip." He'd been drinking and when I wouldnt come, he went into talking about having the key to his gun safe. I called the police to do a wellness check on him because he was talking about suicide. When I finally got paid back, I broke off contact. But he still left flowers on my car at work (at this point he had left to work a different job). I told him not to leave anything else on my car. He sent flowers to my house and asked me not to throw them away because they were expensive. It felt like a manipulation tactic and I told him to stop sending me stuff. I blocked him off Facebook so he sent my brother a friend request and liked some of my sister's post. I told him to stop. He sent me text and emails pretending to be friends of his, telling me we should get back together. I've had friend request on Facebook from fake profiles who claimed we went to school together and when I asked him about them, he said one was his coworker. Apparently he got into a new relationship and stopped contact with me, it was great. Then they broke up and he tried starting again, I told him to stop. Then his new ex tried friending me on Facebook, wanting to get together in person to swap funny stories about him. I told her no. I contacted him and asked him to have his ex leave me alone. That was the last message we'd exchanged months ago. He sent my mom flowers for mother's day. He'd only met my mom maybe 3 or 4 times. I didn't have him around my family much. I shoulda picked up on how uncomfortable it made me for him to be near them but I didn't. I felt stuck with him. And I dealt with the manipulation and verbal abuse on my own. When I saw the flowers today, I felt physically sick. And I remembered this random time he shoved me in the floor. He only got physical like that a couple times, not hitting though. Idk why I flash backed to that time after seeing his flowers. I just feel like crying now and idk why. I thought I was over everything that happened.

Why would he send them to my mom when they weren't close? Is this normal of narcissists? How do I make him stop with all this? I'm worried that he'll send flowers again on other special occasions.

   How do I get over my ex best friend. We were friends for over 3 years and one day she just ghosted me. That was over 2 years ago. I think about her everyday and I’m so tired of it. I feel like she love bombed me so much only to abandon me. She always said “I love you” “you inspire me so much” “I’m so proud of you”. She just love bombed me so much every time we talked. I thought she was my soul sister. I thought I found a beautiful person that I could trust and tell my deepest secrets to and she would get me. I thought she was so magical, she made me think she was.
   Looking back I just feel used and abandoned. She usually only reached out when she needed something. At some point in the friendship I was concerned she was using me for money. She was also very spacey. I would go months without hearing from her so I started to do the same and I went months without replying. I started doing it because I was getting scared that she was gonna abandon me. 
      I tried to reach out to her 2 times after she ghosted me but when I did she just blocks me and then subtweets me on Twitter and makes fun of what I said. (She was never like that when we were friends.) It hurt me so bad I was so shocked when she did that. 
    I don’t know what happened. I want to get over her. I want to be able to trust people again. But I come from an emotionally abusive past. My mom was a Narcissist. And I was bullied in school when I was really young. That shaped the way I viewed everything. We actually bonded over the fact that both of our mothers were narcissists. I thought we were healing together. 
 Everyday she’s on my mind. I dream of her like once a month. I obviously don’t know how to accept that she’s not what I thought she was. How do I get over this? Do you think that she was just using me and love bombing me the whole time until I wasn’t useful anymore? 

I still have waves of self-doubt where I feel perhaps I did something to deserve such bad treatment. Rationally I 100% know I don't, know ones deserves this sort of treatment. Similarly I oftentimes have problems feeling that I deserve good things. I want to work on this because I don't want another toxic person to swoop in and make me feel like I don't deserve anything. Can you relate and do you have any thoughts on how to approach this?

I've been separated from my narc ex for 6 weeks now. We had been married a few years and have a son under 1 together. At first it was very freeing, suddenly i had a lot of independence and a weight lifted from my shoulders.

But in the past few weeks, i've become increasingly agitated about how she is looking to control me, control the narrative and shape everything around our split.

To date, she's been telling people (from relatives to friends), that i am an alcoholic, that i am an unfit father to my son and that i am restricting money to her and my son to spite her and starve him. She's even threatened that if i go into our jointly owned house, even if she's out, she will move our son away and reduce my already reduced contact with him as she feels vulnerable and afraid around me. None of those are the reality, but they are deeply hurtful.

I know deep down that many people she tells will ignore her or not believe it...but i feel like i am experiencing a consistent mental battle to not respond, to allow her to say whatever she wants and know that ultimately the truth will out. The claims can't be substantiated, i know that. But i feel stuck in this place of. 2 weeks ago, i reported the historic and present abuse to the police, who are yet to come back to me disappointingly.

I've realised though, even if the police take action, interview her, etc. it will not change her approach and she's gonna be in my life till the little one is an adult at least.

How do I get past this mental state of feeling wronged and wanting to set the record straight and get on with re-discovering myself?

My ex comes from an alcoholic family and whatever genes that causes the impulsivity to drink came out of her a few years ago. I just want to get it off my chest that she was really abusive and manipulative. Trying to move forward with my life because no one should ever have hands laid on them for any reason. As a man I couldn’t even defend myself. Apparently she was supposed to be taking medicine for it but she never took it.

For example, if a narcist cheats, would they tell you a story about someone they know cheating? And if so, why would they do this? Wondering about a former partner I had.

I have been with my boyfriend who is 6 years younger than me. I’m 45..When we met in FL right before Covid hit. He was so sweet, complimented me, wanted to go on dates, we went fishing, to the beach, restaurants and had so much fun! Then a month later the sex slowed, he didn’t want to go anywhere, compliments stopped…we ended up moving in together (big mistake) no sex…one time 3 years ago in November and none since. I got very depressed and asked him why? He said “I don’t know…he doesn’t go out at all , has no friends and drinks beer when he comes home from work. He loves to argue, put me down and I cried so many times. I used to be adventurous, happy, loved life and always had a ton of friends. Since being with him Im just a shell of who I was. I cried so much and started having panic attacks and went to the hospital. They said everything was fine (blood work) the Dr said something in my life is stressing me out. I started taking Lexapro, then switched to Prozac. I gained 65lbs since. When my boyfriend was ignoring me, I was skinny, pretty, and very nice…too nice as some people tell me that is the problem. I love his dog so much too and sadly I’m such a recluse now the dang dog is my only friend. I work in Virginia during the summers for my job and I feel in my heart I need to end this. It’s so hard! He doesn’t pay any bills except water and he acts like he’s broke when he makes good $ waiting tables. I always feel guilty if I break it off and he’ll be stuck not finding a place. Anyway, my question is, has anyone been through something like this before? Where you were with someone who sucked the life and joy out of you and you can’t even function hardly anymore because you are so depressed?

I can’t imagine he treats her the way he treated me. They’ve been married for years now. I know it makes no sense , because it’s practically unheard of for abusers to change, but she’s pretty much what he always wanted and it makes me feel like garbage .

It took me to realize it when I was telling my husband my experience with him and how people close to him didn't see it, he said "yes they did, they just didn't show it. I'm sure that they were upset that you broke up with him because they had to deal with his shit." He was married to a narc for 7 years, so he's seen a lot of bullshit.

Then it hit me, the story he told me about his mom and how she kicked him out of the house to go live with his dad and how his stepmom was treating him compared to the other kids (or grandkids). It made me wonder if they were really as messed up as he made them seem or he was just as much as a little shit then like he is now. (Obviously the second one).

Long story, but found out my nex was cheating on me with at least 2 other women the entirety of a 7 mo relationship (of course, he also said he was committed to me and making our relationship work even though we’re long-distance). One of the women he’s been with for three years who is also long distance…we ended up speaking the weekend I found out so I know he apologized to her. Said he was and has been committed to her despite what happened (ummm, ok!) This is not the first time she caught him cheating. This is my ego I guess, but it hurts me to know he apologized to her and not me even though I was also an innocent bystander too. He never once tried to come after me and get me back like he’s obviously doing with her. I don’t get it.