Not sure what flare to use, not really a vent. More just a curiosity.

My ex cheated early in our relationship and again at the end (I have suspicions of others and know he’s cross boundaries he kept secret from me)

I felt trapped when he had his second affair. I won’t get into details but the trauma bond and betrayal blindness played a part in me agreeing to reconcile combined with an onslaught of life trauma.

Some of things he said about “picking” me over his mistress that gave me ick or became more unsettling when I thought about it

“She’s not like you, she fights back”

While describing a lunch where they talked about “opening a business together” he was describing how she didn’t blindly agree or do what he would want “she would be too difficult and not just do what I tell her. I won’t have that problem with you”

“I chose you because I knew you wouldn’t call the police on me”

There were a few other things. But two of those I believe he eluded to assaulting her. He hadn’t been overtly physically violent at this point so I thought it was so bizarre and random.

Hi all, my wife and I have been married for one year. We’re both in our mid-20’s. We waited a long time to be together because of immigration (she’s from Colombia) so when we finally were together and got married, it was such a relief. But things took an immediate turn spiraling downwards, when it became apparent she has major anger problems and likely bipolar disorder. She’s my first real girlfriend, first girl I’ve lived with, and obviously first marriage. I struggle to know if this is normal at all, if I wasn’t prepared for what marriage is, or if I need to try harder or transform to meet her where she is. Here is what I’ve dealt with for the past year:

1.	Physical: Scratches and clawing on my arms that has caused bleeding and bruising (I have photos as evidence).
2.	Verbal Abuse: Screaming bloody murder, calling me “fucking ____” (retard, idiot, etc.), and other denigrating insults.
3.	Disparaging Loved Ones: Accusing my kindest friends and family of being racist or abusive, calling people “walking garbage” or “nosy.” No one has ever said a bad word about these people.
4.	Forced to Sleep on the Couch: 2-3 times a week over petty, unwarranted arguments.
5.	Physical Violence While Driving: Punched me in the arm while I was driving 50mph away.
6.	Public Tantrums: Screaming, crying, and having panic attacks in public, making me look like an abuser. In Boston, she had a breakdown in front of random passersby.
7.	Dramatic Calls to Family: Called her parents screaming that we were getting a divorce and that I was a horrible person. (Her parents know she has MH issues, so I’m not concerned about what they think)
8.	Resentment Toward Parents: Regularly talks about hating them and how they ruined her life. Tries to make me feel the same about mine for no reason.
9.	Refusal to Seek Help: Screams and becomes defensive when I suggest therapy, despite apparent mental health struggles (possible bipolar/mania).
10.	Sudden Emotional Outbursts: Cries randomly in public, bringing up her deceased dog from 7+ years ago, making restaurant staff and others assume I’m at fault.
11.	New Year’s Eve Scene: On 12/31/24, at a fancy NYC restaurant, she yelled at me loudly and cried, saying we were done—humiliating in front of other patrons.
12.	Infidelity Threats: Mentioned downloading Tinder to find a man who could “pleasure her.”
13.	Turning Me Against My Family: Constantly talks trash about my parents and brother.
14.	Financial Irresponsibility: Overspends and claims I’m “cheap” when I ask her to slow down. Thinks we can afford a million-dollar home despite not understanding basic finances—then berates me when I try to explain and says “I don’t know finances.”
15.	Unrealistic Career Expectations: Screams that I should work 60-hour weeks to support her while she works a non-profit job that makes her “happy” because it’s the “man’s job to do the grueling work.”
16.	Selfish Career Moves: Took a job out of state despite knowing I’m only licensed to practice my job in our home state, forcing me to move. Lied about being hired as management; instead, she’s essentially in an admin assistant role (no offense). I left my job as a successful professional for this.
17.	Manipulative Relocation Talk: Now claims she might want to move overseas despite knowing I won’t, making me fear she could take future kids away to foreign land without me.
18.	Unfair Division of Chores: Assigns me all major cleaning tasks (bathroom, vacuuming, mopping, trash, ironing) while she only dusts once a month and changes sheets. If I plan to clean later in the day, she screams that I’m lazy.
19.	Constant Criticism & Deflection: Calls me out daily over minor things but refuses to take accountability. If I ever call her out, she accuses me of gaslighting and deflects until I apologize. I keep my cool and don’t complain, which makes her think she’s perfect.
  20. Blocking From Family/Friends: I’ve grown very depressed and missed out on other family/friend events this year because if I ask her to go do things with them, she’ll say “you are too dependent. I am your family now, not them!” It’s become very hurtful to be missing out on important things like birthdays and celebrations.

We have no kids and own no property. Guidance is appreciated! Thank you all!!

How do you forget

Pretty sure I dont have to explain it in details, i am sure a lot of you experienced this.

For exemple, the narc will invite you somewhere, you refuse one time, then they insist, again you say no

Then, they will drain you until you say yes, they cant handle rejection or to hear "no"

So you lie, pretending you are busy, and when they found out, they get mad "why did you lied, you could have said no"

Motherfucker, I told you no 1000 times but you wont accept it, you monkey rotting brain

He ripped my phone out of my hands last night. I followed him to get it back. He went to his room (where his kids were) and yelled at me so forcefully I felt his spittle in my face. I called the cops. I ended up getting a ticket for abuse as they said he had marks on his neck.I never touched him. I NEVER TOUCHED HIM. I'm supposed to move out on Sunday. I'm packing. I'm so miserable. How could I ever compete with such a fantastic liar. I work with kids and now I'll have an abuse charge. I'm getting out and then I'll worry about a lawyer. I don't have much hope. I did last night but now I realize what I'm up against and it's gone. The fight is gone. He'll always win. He'll only make my life worse.

He left as I was calling the cops last night. I know he knows I wouldn't hurt myself to get him in trouble. The thought never crossed my mind. When I think about him coming back here my heart starts racing. I'm terrified.

He has always won and will always win. In ways I haven't even thought of yet.

Can someone please tell me this will be okay?

Hi, I’ve had a couple of very questionable relationships and recently began (and stopped) working closely with someone who I discovered is a narcissist/psychopath.

I was talking to a friend and he told me I seem to be easy to manipulate, love bomb and gaslight. I’d love to think I’m aware enough to see these things as they happen, but it obviously seems like I’m not.

Does anyone have any advice? Any videos, books, etc. I want to really do some self reflection and figure out why, because I’m genuinely exhausted now. I sometimes day dream of exiting society and hardly having any human contact again.

I was just wondering if anyone else started to figure out something was wrong with their narc, started researching more and more while still being caught up in that inescapable brain fog but slowly crawling out, and at the same time - from some point onwards- stayed only to observe the whole psychological mechanism of it in painful detail. I did that - it was like something in me made me stay to “watch and learn”. In no way I’m endorsing staying after figuring out they’re a narc! By all means, block, stay away, grey rock completely. I am just wondering if someone else behaved similarly. For me learning all the nuances of their abuse firsthand proved more useful than any book or article ( sadly!), and later on it helped me tremendously to recongnize it in other people early enough to run.

Separated from my narc in early December and despite two letters from my lawyer telling him to get a lawyer, he is refusing to because he thinks we are eventually going to get back together and I'm just "being difficult" and "need some time" I am beyond done with our relationship and am really just trying to love on with my life. Anyone deal with a narc who refused to get a lawyer?

Usually it’s easy to tell when someone is being sarcastic or joking but with him I really don’t know.

For example - he watches himself in the mirror, flexing and posing. he says “thank God, I’m so handsome, look what God created.” It makes me cringe so much. But other times, he calls himself ugly and disgusting and seems genuinely insecure. I ask him in both scenarios if he’s serious and he says yes. I swear I don’t know which one is true.

Another example - when he does an act of worship like prays or gives charity, he says things like “wow I’m so religious.” like today he prayed and told me he’s so religious and I need to develop my character and be like him. I said thanks, but I’m happy to be like myself. I said when I met you, my character underdeveloped and he laughed like it was an achievement of his. But on the other hand, sometimes he says he wishes he could be religious and soft hearted like me, and boasts to others about what an angel I am. It’s so confusing?!!!!??

Be hyperaware of things they say on the first few dates, most likely they will tell you who they are. I should’ve stopped speaking to him after the first date

My nex discarded me almost two weeks ago, he blocked me on instagram a few days later but not anywhere else.

Today he finally blocked me on WhatsApp (and possibly Telegram too)! Was he waiting on me to come back to him begging and finally realised it’s not gonna happen? His ego must have taken a bit hit seeing that I didn’t slide back to him.

I wonder why it took him so long to block me, but it does feel like a relief!

Well, I just got dumped by my narcissist boyfriend of 5 years. It was a long distance relationship (He (almost 34 yrs old) is from Tunisia and I (37) am from Costa Rica). We have a 1 year old child as well. But I think this time it's really over. I'm saying this because he has broken up with me so many times before that I lost count. Anyway, through text messages like all the time. Mmmm.... He's always been extremely hurtful. And what he said to me is nothing new. But of course he turned it up a few notches. And for some reason it really hit me differently. His words destroyed me. I feel devasted. All I was able to say is that ok, I respect your decision. I will not try to change your mind anymore. And bye. He said ok bye and let me see my daughter. I didn't open this last message. I really don't know what to do. First I want to add that when I got pregnant, he told me that if I didn't get an abortion he would end things with me. He said because of his culture and religion this was unacceptable (but it wasn't unacceptable to have a girlfriend for so many years and to have sex with me). So I told him that I would keep the baby. He left me. He said very awful things about my baby. And just anything you can imagine was said to me too. Also accusing me of manipulating him. That I planned to get pregnant and then stated that I had probably arrived to Tunisia with this crap (meaning my baby). Many other things were said by him. After about a month or two, we worked things out. He was not physically with me throughout the pregnancy or during labor. I paid for him to go to Turkey for a tourist visa to come here, because there isn't a Costa Rican embassy in Tunisia. Anyway, he got here, he met his baby when she was about 8 months old. We went to put his last name for her. We started with the permanent residency process. Two months later we got into a fight and he returned to Tunisia. I didn't even know he had left the country because he didn't even say anything about it. In this time I just thought he stayed at a hotel to calm down. After this he continued to blame me and that because of me he didn't even say bye to his daughter. He disappeared for about a month. Silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you want to call it. My baby got used to being around him, but he just left. She got depressed you could say. For six months he treated me like crap. I can't even explain it. I ended up going to Tunisia to make our relationship work. I stayed for a month. He spent time with his baby. This was in December 2024. And here again, we've been fighting since Saturday. Where he hasn't called to see her, just messages and 1 phone call to fight with me. I don't want to expose my baby anymore to her narcissistic father. He doesn't care about her. One day he's there and the next he's not. How can he have a phone relationship with her? She's still small and maybe I can make her forget. But I don't know if this is the right thing to do. Any advice is welcome. And sorry, I am very upset about all of this and I can't stop crying. One last thing. I am the one who pays for everything. All the trips back and forth. I've helped him with rent, new phones and laptop, rent, cigarettes, alcohol, just money every here and then and he doesn't help with his child and said he wouldn't because his money there is like nothing here. That I can give him my child and he will take care of her. Help please. I feel like I just need to disappear. I am not rich, I don't have a job and my savings are almost gone.

Good morning. What did you guys do to prevent getting into a relationship with a narcissist once again? It’s my understanding that the odds of re-entering a new relationship with a new narcissistic person remains likely after having been in a relationship with one. How did you guys prevent this? Identify them? Vet the people entering your life?

I (24M) do not want this to happen to me again and would like to protect myself from the harm that may follow should I get into another relationship that is similar to my nex.

Hello!

Idk how to start, but tldr, he discard me to get married with an old long term supply (only telling me 2 months before the wedding), but he continued to try to talk to me. I haven't had contact for more than 2 months now (other than work related but we're not in the same department, so low contact to none). He is now married, back in the office.

Well a few days ago, it was my birthday, i took a day off and mute everything related to work. I have teams (for work) on my phone but i don't have it on notifications. I checked when i go out with my friends and he text happy birthday. It was early in the morning before clock in. I still left it unread.

Note: it was no contact for 10 weeks now, i can't block him on teams as it's for work, he seems to be testing the water here and there after he's back in the office but no direct actions until this text.

I am not sure he has NPD or he just has narc tendency, but he does some stuff that i see and aligning with the tendencies.

So basically I (23 F) have ASD and PTSD/DID and was taking singing lessons at my university from a tutor who most likely had NPD.

He kept talking about how he went to the best school in the country and how other singers lacked talent. He behaved condescendingly toward me and alternated between being super complimentary and super angry and intimidating.

And then during our last session, I had a full-blown panic attack because he was so scary and he just kept harassing me while I was crying, lecturing me on how "advanced" the piece was, and laughing. And when I broke into tears he smirked and said "I already knew you were feeling sick when you came in."

My PTSD got worse because of this incident, I blamed myself for it and was even thinking about sending him an apology for not being enough until my psychiatrist told me it was narcissistic abuse. I'm still dealing with the flashbacks and dissociation caused by this tutor, and I'm just so angry at the fact that he knew I had this condition and still chose to exploit my vulnerability to make himself feel better.

I've already shared what happened informally with the other staff at my university. They said I could pick whether I want them to share their concerns informally with him or go further and make a formal complaint against him, which might result in disciplinary actions if upheld.

I'm considering making a formal complaint because he did some serious damage to me and I don't want any other student to go through this. The reason I'm asking for advice is because I'm still doubting whether I'm just exaggerating the seriousness of what happened or maybe I'm just misinterpreting things again because of my ASD.

Just wanted to know what you would do if you were in my shoes. Any advice/insight into this would be appreciated.

She cheated on me with her ex. She’s doing all the things i wish she did with me, but with him. Listening to his music and so on. He seems smarter than me. i feel he’s just so much better than me in many ways. They’re long distance just as we were. She was so controlling and irritated all the time with me. She’d gaslight me, make me feel like the problem, provoke me excessively. She would control what i could watch, listen to, learn etc… i wasn’t allowed to do anything i wanted to do. We never did anything i wanted to do and by the end i ate all the breadcrumbs. Maybe he’s less of a rollover and she respects him more for that.

I’m genuinely concerned for this idiot man child. He really needs help, I hope he can make a good decision for himself and seek therapy and medication.

I know it sounds mean to say that, but I’m so over his victim mentality!!

He came over this last Xmas eve to try to win me back after continuously being shit to me!! He left “gifts” (manipulation tactic) then when I refused to see him, he came back hours later to retrieve them. It became an issue, when once he retrieved said gifts back, he still would not leave. My father called the police, and guess what!

He finally messaged my father. Was it a, “hey I’m sorry about what happened man, I should have acted better” a “I apologize sir, I hope your daughter’s okay, I’m really trying to be better and I see where I need to change”

NO.

It was, “why did you do that to me?”

The fucking nerve.

I keep hoping he’ll change!! He’d been on my mind soooo much these past days, I’ve been crying so much. Wondering about him.

BUT I see now that he’s still the same victim mentality, emotional toddler!!!

I truly hope he seeks therapy and gets medication, it’s mind boggling his thought process.

So one thing about my ex I've wondered about is the whole not having empathy part. In my opinion, he's a vulnerable narc and at times he does she to show something like empathy. I think I finally realized what his deal is though and was wondering if others have come to this same conclusion about narcs they know. My ex seems to understand empathy and compassion on a cognitive level, but he doesn't ever actually show any real emotion about something that happens to someone else unless it affects him. So for example, let's say his dog hurt its leg and got surgery. He could tell you the story of what happened to get attention or talk about the dog and say that it was sad, but there's no real emotion behind it. But if the cost of the surgery made it so he couldn't go on a trip he had planned, he would be upset about that and potentially have an emotional reaction for what happened TO HIM. Thoughts? Am I onto something here?

So currently going through a breakup and my STBXW and I are still cohabiting. I’ve been Through the first stages of anger and the verbal targeted rage as she processed the break up. I on the other hand grey rocked from the beginning and have been civil throughout.

I was expecting the hoover but it never came. What I did have though was a day of communication via text wanting to speed the process up of divorce splitting the assets and responsibilities for our children.

I was again amicable throughout, however since then (Monday) she has completely grey rocked me and is unwilling to engage with any form of questioning.

Having to feed the children I made a massive meal that would last a few days. I told her she could eat what I had prepared and she was very thankful. She even text me to say thanks for making the effort.

Since that day she has only cooked for herself and is no longer even catering for the kids needs.

Starting to feel like a single parent even whilst cohabiting/co-parenting

I can never tell what person to expect in the morning or when I return back to the house after work. She is so unpredictable at the moment and I need some advice

Is this a common catchphrase after the discard? When we are plunged into the grieving process, trying to find answers. And they come at you with, "Focus on your own life and happiness and move on. We're done". Like, this IS my life I am focusing on. This IS my road to the so called happiness you speak of, once I get closure from you, jackass. Needless to say, I never got closure and I now understand why.

Only if applicable to your narcissist.

Please help!! What do I do?

My bf 23 broke up with me f 23 over a Reddit post

Hi guys. I’m posting on here because I’m completely at a loss and don’t know what to do anymore. This is my second post about this and you’ll soon find out why. I was with my ex bf for a year and everything was fine. He is in law school and generally an anxious person and I always tried my best to support him. In the attached screenshot, it was the morning of his first law school exam and he got upset because I wasn’t being supportive enough…

He texted me a series of back to back texts saying “I’m about to take the most important exam of my life, if you don’t show me some basic fucking support I will never forgive you, if you don’t respond within the next ten minutes we are done.”

I made a post on Reddit asking for advice. The comments were super mean towards him. Somehow, his brother found the Reddit post and showed him. My ex then broke up with me because he felt like I disrespected him by making the post. He then blocked me on everything.

I’m at a complete loss and genuinely struggling not to hurt myself (I’ve seeked professional help). I’m absolutely torn to say the least. I genuinely really love him and feel like I always will. It’s completely beyond me that he can just move on so easily after a year long relationship where we discussed marriage and kids…it’s been a month since this happened and I’ve tried reaching out to him and his family and no one is willing to talk to me. I’m struggling to even get through my days without him and I miss him so much….i keep waiting for the day he talks to me again but that day may never come. It feels like my whole life is crashing and burning and it feels like I’ll never find love again. I don’t want anyone else I only want him…. I’m struggling to even get to work or eat and sleep. As soon as I wake up each day it feels like I’m in a nightmare. I just can’t accept never talking to him again. But If that’s what he wants what can I do? We are both 23 btw.

We are in a different city and I have not seen in physically in over a month which makes things less hard. Even though I would read the list over and over again- all the nasty things he said and did to me, I am starting to crave hearing his voice, the validation, the love bombing. How do I cope with this?

Edit: Context on how it ended - He didn’t pick up my phone, didn’t return it after an hour, and when I texted him asking him why, he immediately opened the msg which I thought was by accident and I had asked him where he was. He said that he was at home. I asked why he didn’t return my call. He said “My bad. Didn’t see it” and came up with all sorts of excuses saying he left his phone upstairs, he was having dinner and that he didn’t ignore me intentionally. Because this mf lied so much, I told him that I just knew he was lying, that escalated pretty badly. He accused me of being selfish and that I caused all the drama in his life even though all I asked was proof of what he was actually doing. Basically using the DARVO.

He said this towards the end of the call “You deserve to be blocked. You deserve to be wiped. You deserve to have your pictures removed. You deserve to have your existence erased”

It’s almost been two years since I caught him serial cheating on me and in the rawest possible way.

This wound up in me discovering a full web of lies, which honestly I feel are Netflix drama binge watching worthy.

These lies go back more than 13 years in time. Basically, he has lied to me ever since I’ve known him. It goes from simple lies to creating fake profiles and interacting with me as fake personas. From taking non consensual photos and videos of me to having random hookups with strangers in public spaces. From isolating me over years fo mentioning me to his cybersex online friends. From physical cheating to emotional cheating.

Despite understanding this fact logically, years of connection have created this trauma bond and I am still in awe of how stupid I have been. I am disappointed more in myself than with him at this point. I’ve allowed him to do that to me.

Anyone else in this situation, anyone can provide a word of advice, how they dealt with that?

The relationship was super unhealthy. I was devalued and highly criticized, got weird and disturbing accusations, felt controlled and scared to do anything. I couldn't coparent with my child's dad 'Tony' without him getting mad and always accuse me of being in love with him still. I finally left, I told him I could feel my health deteriorating and I need to do what's best, then all hell started breaking lose. Each day he gets his stuff out, there's new notes. I just need to rant and understand I'm not crazy. I'm wondering if I actually was the one that dealt with a narcissist all along, because I never used that word, and as soon as I break up with him he's coming at me with that word in every direction.

I get anxiety just seeing his messages. And takes me days to reply. I’m so fearful of them due to the trauma I want to forget everything about him

Why did he block me after realizing i blocked him? He also has the upper hand ofc bcus he blocked me on insta before i blocked him. So now he can reach out but i cannot. He also did this months after the breakup. Like blocking me elsewhere. Why? (Pls dont tell me how i shouldnt wonder why it wont help and i know)

I have had a depressing issue that I'd like to share here. My sibling who I've been in no contact with for around 8 years, celebrated a milestone and I heard that other family members were giving speeches at her event. Here's the thing. The family members have acknowledged how abusive the sibling is, but really, they'd rather support the her. Hurt to hear at the time, but as I post this, I think I've processed it and accept I can't force people to see my side by my withdrawal. I just want peace and due to my sibling and their flying monkey's shady games, I am beyond it now and know if I went back into that scene, I'd be lost again. What concerns me, is that I use these instances to fuel my sense of victimhood, but slowly changing my internal dialogue to acceptance of what is.

TW: mention of SA & physical abuse

I don’t even know why. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to have a conversation with him. I don’t miss him, at all. In fact, and maybe this is too heartless, but if I found out tomorrow that he died I don’t think I’d be upset. I want nothing to do with the man who manipulated, emotionally & physically abused, and repeatedly SA’d me. So why do I feel the need to see him one last time?

To show him all the damage he did? To tell him I’m better now? To scream in his face? To see if he’s even capable of remorse? I doubt he would care anyways. He’s incapable of taking accountability. After 6 fucking years, I’m finally free now… so why do I still feel so trapped by him.