I don't know where to start with this other than meh. Just meh.

I traded in my Honda for my Seltos. I like the Seltos, I loved the Honda. The Honda had a name, 'Mango'. I adored her. She was my favorite color, she was bright and happy. She was mine, even if she wasn't in my name. I loved all the inside details, how all the stitches on the inside (steering wheel, gear shifter, any stitch) was the same color as the exterior. I loved that it was a manual transmission. I loved that she was the first car I jumped in and took off to a different state in. I have memories in that car, memories I cherish, moments I cherish. The Seltos is an alright car, I like it, I may even come to love it. I haven't named it yet. The one I test drove, she was a Pluto. The one I own, she doesn't have a name and nothing feels right. Today I got an email from the dealership thanking me for purchasing my new Honda, the vin number matched my car. I called, they messed up paperwork when they sent her off to get fixed. She's fixed now, the things that kept leaving me stranded. The exterior as well. She's being put out on the sales floor to be sold. I want her. I never should have traded her in. I should have worked harder to come up with the money to fix her. I still owed money on her, I've been living paycheck to paycheck, I didn't put anything down on the Seltos and I haven't even made my first payment yet. I want my Honda. I've actually cried over this today. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Why do I hate change? Why do I get emotionally attached to things that aren't even alive? Mango was the best little car ever, and now she's going to be someone else's and I don't like the way that feels. I'm pathetic. The urge to take the Seltos back and see if they will trade it for the Honda is stupid big right now, I know it's irrational and illogical, but I want Mango.

I(21f) think about the way people where I’m from talk to each other and I don’t know if I’m the problem or not.

I reluctantly went to a family function once and one of my cousins said in front of everybody “ so I heard you don’t have friends”.

That was years ago but that about sums up the dynamic. Not even family is a safe space.

I have low self esteem and social anxiety, I’ve been called weak compared to my peers. My mother sometimes puts me down for no reason and makes me feel small.

I can’t confide in her because I’m afraid she’ll gossip about me and I’ll have to have more moments like that one with my cousin.

I traded my mental health for a place to live, now I feel like I’m under her thumb. She sees me as weak, and treats me like a child and I let her because I have nothing and no one else and anxiety and depression has left me a hollow shell of a person.

I don’t know if I’ll make it to college, I’m a shell who doesn’t know how to fit in. The stress of college would probably kill me.

Vodka makes me happy, I want to buy more. It makes my face feel light, like the smile happy people are able to achieve without even trying.

I feel like I should quit sugar, or reduce its consumption, I'm way overboard than what is healthy, and though it's not showing visible changes in body, I just feel like I should do it. But, I have always been a sweet tooth, will i really be able to do it, will I really get any benefit, oh well.

I need to take better care of my diet as well, at this point I'm just YOLOing in my diet, it's not unhealthy per se, but I rarely care if I have a balanced one.

I should drink more water as well, I can feel myself being lazy or dehydrated at times, probably it is also the high sugar intake.

I need to get a hobby that I really enjoy, binging on shows, going out with people, or trips just doesn't seem enticing. It might just be my sour mood saying all this, but if it's not, gotta find something enjoyable while I can.

The thought of not having something I like to do is scary. Where do you even find a thing before you get bored of it, maybe I'm just fixated on finding the pleasure and ignoring the pleasure I'm having already.

I also got bored of the songs I've been listening to, without music to pump myself up, life does feel a little bit more mundane, idk how I'll find the new song to binge onto, it's going to be a hassle.

On a side note, I feel like I need to be more approachable, moving to a new place is scary, it will take effort, but still I gotta do it.

Let's see what happens, I'm just rambling now.

it’s possible I just OD’d on caffeine. at least I feel like I’m having a heart attack.
the high I got from my weekend got cut way too short by the abrupt start of Monday morning and the absolute shitshow that my day at work was.
quite frankly, I contemplated walking out but I cannot keep doing that - it’s such a bad move all around so I stuck it out and made it thru the day, but like, at what cost? how much longer am I gonna keep doing this to myself? why can’t I just bite the bullet and follow a dream? probably because I have too fucking many and have an issue with making decisions so I just flounder around going back and forth with ideas and hopes that never go anywhere.
I’m just over everything right now… this is not where I was supposed to wind up.

I opened up too much. Again.

I revealed what goes on with my parents to my boyfriend. And now I think he judges me for it. He didn’t say anything but I know how he felt.

I don’t know why I can’t keep my mouth shut at times. And it’s so frustrating that he kept asking me things I couldn’t cater to.

It’s ridiculous.

I want him to break up w me so bad. I don’t want to be the bad person and break up. I like him. I really want to spend my time with him but I don’t think I can be vulnerable with him. Ever.

It’s so hard for me to trust someone’s intentions.

He keeps talking about that girl and her parents talking to his parents. I think he should just go ahead with that. It’s okay for him to do that. I would have been selfish and left him.

Sigh. I wanna tell him this again. But maybe after a day when things have settled in my head and heart.

Even my mom has my sister to vent to. But me? I’m absolutely fucking alone and got no one to vent to or even open up to. I hate it here. Why am I always being singled out and isolated? Why me?? It’s so unfair. I hate it here so much.

Which day should I decide?

11th Feb 2029

Or

14th Nov 2029

Or

5th Sep 2029

Or

Idk. What’s a more fun day that’s unforgettable?

[I'm a fish inside a birdcage]

AudHD, CPTSD, Child S** Asault/Shooting Survivor, Depression. It feels like I'm a fish in a world of birds being ostracized and shamed for not knowing how to fly.

[My brother always sings me songs With his beak he tries to soothe me]

The only time I can breathe is when I am swimming in a lake of alcohol. My brother tries to help with words of wisdom and practical advice. My only and dearest friend says I am the reason they live and without me they would cease to exist.

[He makes me feel that I belong]

Yet despite this I still have not found a place where I belong. Each day is a coin toss if I "try" or make another attempt to enter the realm of eternal sleep.

[He has a wild imagination And tells me things That must be true Like there's a world where I can take flight Where I can freely move]

I should feel blessed to have even these few who love me, and who encourage me that there IS a reason to live and I am not beyond salvation. But it feels like a pipe dream. How can you live when ghosts of the past keep you bedridden in a depressed haze? How do you "get better" and "live" when just remembering to breathe takes everything you have?

[So carry me from these walls Brother of mine Show me the world outside It has to be true I'm counting on you To be my wings and my eyes]

To my dearest brother, I am sorry I am deaf, blind, and crippled and cannot see life the way you do. Believe it or not I am trying. I want to want to be better, but I wish someone would come take me by the hand and tell me what to do. Times like these I wish I believed in God and, step by step, they would lead me out of the darkness. To my best friend and love of my life, thank you for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank you for calling the police and saving my life, both literally and every day you choose to stay with me. I am so so sorry for the pain I've caused you, and just as you say to me, you are the reason I draw breath each day. Thank you for loving me when I can't love myself.

[As I breathe into our silence There's a voice that comforts me It's a voice of understanding It's the voice of empathy]

I lost my job, kept silent, and have lied to my family about it. I can't bear to break the fragile belief and empathy they've entrusted me with again. I have an interview lined up and am signing up for every temp agency/same day pay work app I can find. Yet if this does not work, at the end of this week if there is no progress, I am going to snuff out my flame.

[Wings of feathers, tails and fin tips We feel it works so differently You gave me more than I could ask for Indistinguishability]

I am drowning in student loans, medical debt, and personal loans. Yet you can't bleed a stone, there are no financial resources left for me to give. This and personal trauma make me want to take the easy way out to avoid this agony and daily reminder of my failures in life. Yet every time I open the bottle of pills or pick up the knife, I'm shown the smallest scrap of compassion and, being as pathetic and starved for affection as I am, it stays my hand.

[So carry me from these walls Brother of mine Show me the world outside It has to be true]

If there is a god please help me. I am trying and doing the best I can, as pitiful and lamentable as it is.

[I'm counting on you To be my wings and my eyes So carry me from these walls Brother of mine Show me the world outside It has to be true I'm counting on you To be my wings and my eyes]

To my brother, counselor, and significant other, please don't give up on me. I know I've already given up on myself, but you are all that is standing between me and life's final destination. I am so so sorry for the way that I am and that I can't give you more then just my daily continued existence.

To my parents, the ones who brought me into this world. It is simultaneously agonizing and hopeful to look into your eyes each day. You were my first of many. The first to strike me, the first to isolate and abuse me, the first to perpetuate a rhetoric of me being "impure" and asking questions that haunt me to this day like "well what were you wearing?" "It's your fault for being naive/taking a drink from a stranger, what were you thinking??". I was a child. You were supposed to believe and protect me, not be one of the hands that broke me and ripped out my heart.

Do you remember my "sweet sixteen"? That summer was the first time I made a genuine effort to take my own life. During the school year before I had kissed someone of the same gender/realized I was bi. I was terrified to tell you. It took me 3 more years to even mention it. I was convinced you would abandon me or condemn me. And your forcing me to go to church and intolerance of anything that differed from the "right" way to live made me unable to tell you about the se**** abuse and assault I suffered as a child. All this and the pressure you put on me to "succeed" and "stop being dramatic", "fit in", "stop embarrassing you" and actions like forcing me to work full time at a job YOU chose and attend a community College over summer culminated in my first s****** attempt. And your reaction? You took away my phone, laptop, any and all contact with the outside world. Then you LEFT me home alone on a farm in the middle of nowhere with no one. It wasn't until I broke down and confided in our family doctor and he screamed at you and threatened to call child protective services that you "relented" and "allowed" me to email and text my friends again (still only after you had "vetted" the messages). And you wonder why you feel like you do not "know" me and why I hide things from you instead of asking for help.

Yet.

I've seen the efforts you've made in the past few years. You're trying and have shown genuine change. It's a godamn shame it took me trying to execute myself (thrice) and you being diagnosed with cancer to get here, yet. I recognize and appreciate the grueling hard work and actual change you've put in and the little things you do to try and understand and support me. Just. When/if my lies unravel, please treat me gently and with compassion. Remember the past and why that means I cannot trust you, even with all you've done for me. Remember that lack of trust does not mean lack of love. Seek to channel the character of "Christ", the God you say you serve. Please give me the compassion and understanding now you never did when I was a vulnerable child and needed you most.

It's been an up and down sort of day. My stress feels higher than I am. Maybe I'm just hormonal. I don't know what to do with myself. I have 2 days off from work...in a row. What now? That panic is rising in me. Then sadness heavy in my chest. I think maybe I've forgotten to take my anxiety medicine for 2 or 3 days...that would explain some of this.

Part of me wishes I could just just run away and start fresh. Do like I did for years - leave this place and these people and be whatever happy is. And the other part of me knows how that's not so simple to do any more. At the moment.

I have no idea how I'm going to find a place for us to live. Shit, I'm not even worried about paying for it anymore, it's the simple task of finding a place that is getting to me. I have one I need to finish the application for, preferably tonight. I'm trying to not let the feeling of everything being out of reach eat at me. I've been trying so hard to stay positive. Be hopeful. Lately it's other people's shit bringing me down. I need to remember my medicine tonight. OCD shit and anxiety aren't going to stop on their own.

I have a million projects I want to start but feel like I can't or I shouldn't because of everything with moving. I'm stuck in a holding pattern.

Today I'll just put out a few regrets I've accumulated over time.

1). Didn't attend my sister's convocation.

2). Didn't spend enough time spoiling her.

3). Took my dad for granted at times.

4). Gave false hopes to my ex.

5). Been rude to my family at times.

6). Used to suck at allocating the right time and energy for life events that mattered.

7). Didn't attend my own convocation.

8). Couldn't visit my brother's college.

9). Didn't give my all for my interests. Or life, or myself.

10). Formed many transactional relationships instead of real bonds.

Oh well, there might be more, damn looking back I do regret so many things, but what's done is done, or whatever. I guess time will teach me to be better, or so I can hope.

Greetings,

S

Hi Im feeling good. Today was nice. Maybe bec i went cycling. Its evident at this point. Cycling makes me happy. The whole day. Today while having breakfast dad called me. Told me to come upstairs. They were cleaning upstairs tank. Yooo there was whole big ass plants growing in it. Also fishes😭😭 Anyway I went around to see the house. Goshhhh so freaking bad aaaaaaaa!! Extremely messy. Looked like something from the hoarder cleaning tv show i used to watch. I went there after 15 years. Got ptsd for a bit. Slight tears.

Everyone was in good mood today. We got united with the tank episode. Might go w dad tomorrow to uncles place. Ok its late bye Oh also everything went well w P. Talked good and all. Idk im still sus about him. Anyway byebyebye

I had a phone screening this morning for the job I applied for that I actually want.
I have another interview this morning for a second “backup” job.
it’s Friday.
I’m seeing one of my favorite bands tomorrow for their last tour ever.
I have every reason for today to be a good day and I promise I’m going to do my best but I’m already slipping at 7:10am. I already want to go back to bed.

I prayed this morning. I don’t even know if I believe in God. but I did it anyway… because I need help. I need something to change. all the religion nuts (no offense) keep telling me that God can help and God will save me and blah blah so okay fine, I’ll give it a try. who knows?

all I have to do is get thru this day and then I can sit with myself and evaluate everything with no distractions. I quit smoking yesterday. I took my last hit at like 10a. Delta 8 & 10 and CBD all pop up on a drug test so I might as well stop while I’m ahead and try and flush it out. with the way my luck goes, I’ll quit and still not get the job OR fail the drug test cuz my metabolism sucks dick. it’s not like I’m a heavy smoker by ANY means but who knows how long that shit will stay in my system. another reason why drinking is superior… no one gives a shit about that. they’ll test me to the moon just to give me a job next to (statistically) like 4 other alcoholics. kiiiiiiinda see a double standard there but whatever I guess.

all I can hope for is that if I manifest enough positive energy into myself and my life that things might turn out the way I want them to. that’s the tricky part - I have no positives to give. but I’m gonna try anyway.

TW: Death / Loss / Grief

April has always been a rough month for me for as long as I can really remember. Which, it's odd I can't remember much of my childhood but that one day I remember so vividly. I was 12. It was April Fools day. My parents woke me up super early, so early the sun wasn't up. My dad told me my papa died over a phone call. I remember laughing and saying 'good one dad' and handing the phone back to my mom, it was April Fools day after all. He didn't laugh. I went back to sleep still thinking it was a joke until I woke up hours later and I wasn't at school. Then it sunk in. I think I remember this so well because it changed everything. That one giggle. That one misunderstanding.

My papa was my hero, he was supposed to live forever. My dad never treated me the same after that, who can blame him. That was his dad. This is why I was able to move out so young. I'm sure this is why they didn't care I was gone.

This April was no different. I woke up crying, reminiscing. I went to see him when the kids were with their dad after work. I came home and cried some more. I hate April. The feel bad takes over. I make stupid choices to try to make them go away. It's been over two decades, why hasn't this gotten easier? Does it ever get easier?

The end of feel bad season is near, I think (Or at least the April Feel Bads, chemical imbalance is probably here to stay lol). I found myself actually smiling yesterday. It wasn't forced or fake. This morning I woke up sad, but I thought back to memories of him and it got a little bit better, I didn't cry. I ordered the latest Stephen King book cause I'm super behind and he would have already had it. Now I am laying here, listening to the birds chirp knowing he'd tell me to pull myself together and go fishing more. Knowing that if he were still here, my entire life would be so different. I've made some choices he would beat my ass for, but he'd be so proud I stopped looking at the world as black and white and instead accepted and embraced the million shades of gray. There are very few people I try to impress, but to this day he's one of them. He's still my hero, I've never met a better man.

God, grief is so freaking weird.

Editing because I got into my car and did my grocery run this morning. I got there, I shopped and got in my car on the way home and Spotify turned on a song I haven't heard since I was a teenager. One I blared when it came out because it brought comfort and happiness. It made me smile and cry, it felt like he sent it to me in that moment. What an odd way to get comfort. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EE6Sr1ECvY 'Someone's Watching Over Me' by Hilary Duff.

"So I won't give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark, I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart"

Life is a joke, I got into MSU yayyy😐, I can’t afford it, my mother can’t afford it, plus the money to apply for a Visa, I’m so sick of everything, I hate everything, I hate school. I don’t have the energy anymore, nothing to keep me going. What’s the point? Now I’m scowering the internet for scholarships and loans.

Not that even if I somehow managed to find something,I wouldn’t have any friends and I’ll probably be a dropout. it’s so much work, for absolutely no reason. I don’t know what I’m doing. Life feels like dreams, no direction, no passion, no reason for doing anything, just threading water and doing what people say I’m supposed to do. Stresssssssss Anxietyyyyyy I’m also drunk soo🤷🏽‍♀️ I guess you gotta know when to give up 😹 Maybe I’m just being, I’m just taking one day at a time, but the thoughts are eating me up.

Last night was very rough. I was very critical of myself. And I’m glad I did not listen to anything I was thinking about because I realized that it was past 9 PM. I woke up today and I don’t feel extremely positive and joyful, but I do have a better sense of what I want to do. And I’m just glad I didn’t act on how I was feeling last night.

Today’s priorities include eating well, finishing my 1 assignment, dropping, and going to a tour. I feel the stress of my deadlines coming up, but I cannot make rash decisions because of the time. I still need to do what’s best for me.

I feel sorry that P has to deal w me. I am very much considering ending things w him. Either way its ending in a one day then why to drag it. Im not sure whats in his mind. We both aren't talking about it. Relationships takes efforts and im not willing to put any rn. I can barely take care of myself and i want this time for self-development. But again, he's real nice and what I wanted. And this will hurt for both of us but its better for us in long term. I'll give it a little time and see.

I noticed that the days i don't cycle are the days im gloomy and sad. Other days is all fine and productive-ish. I had my dinner at 7. I will start intermittent fasting. I wanna be by myself. I want a smol house and live alone. I need people around but i wanna be on my own. When i was in the beginning of my teenage years, a rumor was going around that we'd be moving to a new house. I was so excited i went around in my cycle looking at every house around and imaging staying there and how wonderful it would be. I still catch myself doing that. Ofc everything looks happy from the outside and im sure many people look at our house and wish the same. I went to the relatives place last night. I found it so amazing that they had their family pics in the hall room!! I always dreamt of having a very private life w me and my partner being each other's best friend. ANYWAY, it was late when we were home last night. I drove the way back and i was so sleepy gosh. Its not often i remember God but i did last night. Its 8:30 rn and im in bed. I will sleep soon. I wanna fix my cycle but i also wanna get a new one. This is from my high-school and its v broken. I wanna travel. I really need some time for myself. Thats all for today.

Goodnight!

you know, I actually TRIED to prevent this from happening this time. I saw the signs and knew it would happen and it STILL happened.
truthfully, it’s gotten to a point now where I feel like I’m gonna have to reevaluate my poker face and just pretend REALLY well to be happy and just know, deep down, that I never will be. I feel like that’s such a failure on my part and idk if I can bring myself to do it.
I feel like I’m logical enough to know that healing/changing takes time but I just always feel like I’m trapped in a 1-step-forward-2-steps-back process and it’s killing me. my body can’t handle the constant stress and idek where it’s all coming from anymore. the normal stressors of life happen, I can deal with that but all of this excess is confusing and harmful.
I don’t wanna die from a heart attack or stroke before I’m 40 because I couldn’t fucking relax, that’s lame as hell. I hate it here.
I’m not even paying attention to what’s going on around me anymore. I feel like I need a good cry, a good scream… I could punch a hole in a wall, something to take out some of this rage and confusion.

idk whatever. 2 more days and I’ll have a good night. hopefully. that’s gonna keep me going for now.

It is a REALLY bad pain day. I have been in and out of consciousness from the waves of pain that keep hitting me. I really need it to stop.. I can't take much more of this.

On the bright side I am switching the electricity providers so hopefully I will save some money now.

dissatisfied.

I knew it was coming, I guess that doesn’t make it any less shitty. man, I just feel like complete shit.

that’s really all for today, I don’t feel like I’ll have much to say otherwise. I really thought about calling into work, or working from home but I’m putting other peoples feelings first… again.

I don’t want to do anything today besides lay in bed and watch Harry Potter. I want to take a nap. I wanna forget that I am the way I am.

I wish I wasn’t such a fucking loser.

however - s/o Badflower for writing and putting out the song “Ghost”. the last two weeks were rough, and that song was the only thing that pushed me thru.

til later. toodles.

I had a really nice dream about my old boss at work, Theo. Theo is this lovely man with a wife and small baby. He was so kind, smart, caring, and sensible, never overbearing or "too much" in any way, restrained when he needed to be restrained, courageous, and just a very nice guy who you could enjoy having a conversation with. He was the best boss. In the dream, Theo came back and we ended up traveling somewhere together. He sat close to me, with our knees touching, and I felt like he wanted to kiss me or put his arm around me. When we got to where we were going, the touching ended and he was back to being modest and restrained, more just his usual respectful and friendly self. But it was nice to feel the physical affection and touching in the dream.

I think meeting Sophocles the other day has put me in the frame of mind of wanting to try being in a relationship again. I have been thinking about Sophocles off and on, and how attractive he was and how I felt this little spark and energy between us. I like that feeling of being on the brink of a precipice, where I could fall for someone with just the slightest nudge. It's scary and lovely at the same time.

I'm feeling a lot better than when I last wrote. I got out for a little hike in Rock Creek Park after work, just for a little over an hour, but I think being in nature and getting the exercise helped. It's funny how, when I hike, I keep imagining that I'm hiking in Switzerland. When I'm hiking in Switzerland, what will I imagine then - hiking in other parts of Switzerland? I think I need to do both things at once - appreciate where I am, while also happily savoring the anticipation of where I'll be and living in the daydream of the future.

I also saw my therapist yesterday. She is so nice, I love her. Her home office is the most calming place to be - she has this beautiful outdoor/indoor space where the outdoor part is set up just exactly like a living room, with cushy couches and pictures and a rug and vase, but we can also go inside when the weather isn't conducive to sitting out. I told her how it felt like I was stuck like in the movie Groundhog Day, where every day I would wake up and it would be like the breakup with Clive just happened yesterday, instead of two years ago. It's always like no time has passed. I told her about falling into such a deep pit of anger and resentment and grief after seeing him at the party. She suggested that I might want to look into EMDR, which she isn't trained on, but there are practitioners in the area who offer it. But she pointed out that it had only been 48 hours since the party, and it was okay for me to feel angry, and I should just let myself feel those feelings.

Somehow that made me feel better, to hear that it isn't terrible if I feel angry, it's okay to just feel that. And I'm just glad the ordeal is past and I can shift my focus to other things again. It's just a relief to think I won't have to go through that again for a while.

Nobody wants you. Not all of you anyways. Maybe some parts but not others. The quiets parts but not when you get too loud. They’ll like you when you’re a little bit soft, not too hardened, not too much use and abuse. Love all your happiness but the sadness pushes them away. All those bad parts are not wanted here. That much is very fucking clear. Who thought a perfectionist could be so fucking imperfect? Mother Natures crack at humour I guess. Boo hoo nobody wants you. Doesn’t seem to matter when you just push them away before they could try to think about wanting you. Don’t even give them a chance. And the ones you did give that chance to ran so fucking fast, so does anyone deserve a chance? Do I deserve a chance? I don’t fucking know anymore. I’m really fucking tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Just tired.

What did I expect, really? They invited their friends and threw yet another incredibly stressful party.

Now they're all asleep in our house. I'm in severe pain and I feel extreme distress.

I wish I could move out. I really don't want to be here anymore.

I think music is one of the coolest things in the world. sometimes songs/lyrics can say everything I need to say or convey a feeling I have in ways that nothing else ever could. a little while ago, my moods and feelings were getting murky again - so I came up with the idea to make playlists for things (people) to help remind me of the real feelings I have.
some of those songs are like the obvious “these make me think of you” kinda songs… the new age version of a burnt CD. but other songs are some that I have come across by artists I don’t even listen to that just get the point across. it’s somewhat a reminder to myself that this is what I felt like or what this person was to me and I’ve found it to not only be helpful, but incredibly useful when I feel muddled. so whether it be a reminder of that person lyrically or because of the melody or just a “this makes me think of them”, I’ve found that it effectively reminds me of who they are to me.

it’s kinda cool finding things that help keep me grounded that are also “fun” in a sense.

I keep checking my email cause in my haste to change my life. I applied to a bunch of things like there’s no tomorrow, because secretly I kinda believe that. I’m very lost at the moment, I hope other people can’t see that, they probably can’t or they’d either be treating me like a mental patient or something to pitty.

I applied for two jobs, one online, a wfh job and one that would require me to move away from home if I got it and accepted. I applied for a scholarship and to a college, which I don’t even know why I did, I can’t take anymore school, school is hell for me. I randomly got an ad for a free horoscope from a psychic while on here and I clicked on it, I usually don’t buy into this stuff.

But when I got my horoscope she said change was coming, so I guess that’s good if it’s true. I played my country’s version of like the lottery or powerball or something. I bet this number I’ve been seeing alot which is a bit weird cause I’ve never done it before. The psychic mentioned coming into some money that way and I’ve been seeing these numbers for a while so I took it as a sign.

I’m really lacking energy, I’m scared that I’ll get these things I applied for and I’ll have to actually do them myself and have a chance to ruin them. I’m scared that this is my permanent state now cause I’m getting worse and more awkward. Maybe I’ll forget how to be the happy version of myself even when I’m by myself, I already forgot how to be that around people.

Its almost bedtime already, i tried doing everything early today. I woke up early but was v sleepy and didn't go cycling. Overslept after. Was drowsy all morning. Tomorrow my oats is coming and im super excited. Whole morning i watched the office and made a little heart bracelet for P. I planned to make matchy matchy bracelets for both of us. But i don't think I'll give it to him, its very girly. Whole noon i was watching reels. But im not that annoyed today for some reason. Absolutely nothing productive i did today. P got the parcel. He was so happy to get the letter. He was kissing it and he got the smell, it made him cry. Like CRY cry. Augh i was on video call all stunned. I didn't say a word, i wanted to say a lot. Would have hugged and given him smol kisses if i was there w him but im home and i was afraid of someone overhearing. Also im not comfortable here. To make things worse i was getting interrupted multiple times by family. Later i went out roaming and called him there. He tried the chips and cake. Absolutely loved it. Or idk. Maybe he acted but i don't think so, it was good food. And he's a vegetarian they'll like it bec standards are so low ayyy im sorry (no im not)

I still haven't done one useful thing for my life, be it college hunting or pickle or modeling or travel or whatever else i had planned. I am getting used to this wonderful life. All i do is eat and sleep and roam around and watch reels. Absolutely hate it. If i don't do anything till this weekend im taking the first train monday morning and going somewhere.

I realized something a while ago. I don't think i actually wanted to be a dentist. I do love the part where i get talk to patients and make them feel comfortable. I feel like this wasn't my best decision. I don't want to blame anyone, its just something i observed. So growing up i was daddy's girl as mom was busy giving all her attention to my sister. But my dad was his daddy's boy. He gave all his attention to his parents, siblings and friends. He is a perfectionist and hard to impress man. I tried everything to get his attention but i never did. I think somewhere deep down i felt like if i so something "difficult" he would appreciate me. One day i heard him on a call saying that dentist is an amazing career option. I was 7 at the time, that's when i decided to be a dentist and it stuck w me. Also around that time his brother (who is also v much like him) had told me that i have to set a goal in life and work completely towards that. Also bec half my childhood was spent at the dentist. My dad tried convincing me to do medical instead but i was firm. Mom on the other hand told me to do engineering as my whole fam is engineers and everyone's doing well. Plus its much easier. Anyway here i am. I wish i worked w trains but ok. I am not even very passionate about getting in college for masters. Im very going w the flow. everyone is impressed w how firm i was choosing this field but deep down this is the reality and i can't complain bec i chose this.

I paused in the middle of writing this and was going through snap memories. Omg last year this time was the time i was w aaron in that toxic ass relationship. Im in sosososo much better place yall. The character development of this one year i had is massive. Im never ever putting myself in that place again. Im so picky w my guys now. I made a mistake and im never repeating it. I know my value now. I know there are so many men out there who would love to have me as their partner. I don't even ask for much. And i learned that its better to be single than with the wrong person. Im just glad im out of that relationship and i took my time to actually learn and do better. Good job.

Okay its one hour since i started writing this. I have to have to go cycling tomorrow so Goodnight:))

Also dad wants me to go w him to a relative s place tomorrow night. Ugh i don't wanna its 3 hour drive one way auughh. He said it would be late when we're back and he needs me to drive. I will most likely miss cycling again day after so i have to go tomorrow. I will try to not go there tomorrow but i don't have any excuse.

Okbyebyebye

I stayed up the entire night last night so I spent the day drifting in and out of sleep. This means that I wasted the entire day

Now I'm sitting here feeling absolutely horrible. I wish I was normal. I wish my emotions weren't as extreme as they are.

Every. Single. Day. I get jealous. I get upset. I get terrified. I don't think I can deal with this emotional turmoil much longer. I have been given mood stabilisers but they just don't work.

Hi I feel good I am happy Yesterday morning after cycling i was feeling shit again, v stressed and gloomy. Mom and i left for the city. It was long and hot but i enjoyed so much. Being away from home cleared my mind. I was shopping for clothes. I wanted a white linen pant, blue and black jeans. Mine are old and time to replace. We reached and had a nice lunch. After that we went to two malls and couldn't find anything. In the end when it was time to leave we went to h&m. This was the first time i went to their offline store. I was absolutely in love, loved everything, it was so hard to choose. Mom said buy how much ever you want bec i rarely like clothes 😭😭 im soo grateful aaughhh. It was slightly expensive but she said its fine but anything. We were in hurry and i wasn't getting my size. It was crowded also. Anyway it was time to leave and i ended up getting just one top. Mom said we'll come back and spend all day aaramse buy. Im still v excited. I can elevate my whole looks with this. Its motivating me so much for exercise and diet. I have decided to eat clean for next few weeks. I had decided earlier, now it's a motivation. Anyway in the evening i got a dm on insta asking to hand model. Its something! I got extremely excited. Maybe i can give modeling a shot. Maybe one day. He asked me to take pics and send. I have no idea how this works, its either beginning of something or a lesson. I'll take the risk.

P heard about a cake in a famous bakery. That was the first thing he mentioned when i told him i was going to the city. I got it and i had to parcel it today to him. Today was a busy day. I went cycling in the morning, made breakfast, showered, wrote a letter to P, sprayed it w my moisturizer, got him some local chips. Brought groceries. Made pizza for lunch. Rice base. It was good. The chicken was spicy afff but overall it was okay. In the noon went to courier it. And then went to parlor. My skin is getting so much better, absolutely loving it. Also got my eyebrows done. Relaxed in the evening, made quesadilla for dinner. Everyone loved it. Im feeling good today. Keeping myself busy is the key to stay peaceful mentally. Tomorrow I'll try taking hand pics lol. Im also excited for P receiving the courier. He got extremely excited and said he'll do reaction videos and all. Isn't he cute!? After that it was nice talking to him. It felt good. This was exciting for both of us.

Anyway this is what i had written yesterday morning before leaving- Its 7 in the morning and i felt the need of writing this down bec i woke up annoyed. I was getting weird dreams all night, no it was never like this for me. Woke up to my alarm at 5:30. Dad got up to it also. I remembered it was Sunday. Instinctively i knew i had to stay away from my dad's eyes. I tried to for a while but i didn't wanna waste my cycling time. He spotted me sneaking out to get clothes from laundry bec he was near my closet. He told me to come to the church, i said I'll be going to second mass. I won't, im going out w mom. I don't have a negative relationship w church. Its just that i don't like being forced. And maybe rebelling him is one way of showing him that im unhappy here. Sometimes (v rarely) i feel like going. Honestly i would wanna go every Sunday and i might in future. There's something so not right here and i can't understand why we are the way we are. I understand its normal and we have a perfectly good reason but still. Maybe i have to go full uncle mode and push my problems deep down and focus on what's needed

Goodnight:)

I got through the party. Like the last two times we saw each other at parties, Clive and I each pretended like the other didn't exist. I wore my lucky bracelet with the Buddha-head bead, and every time I started to feel overwhelmed with negative feelings, I would touch the Buddha bead and try to practice my little version of a lovingkindness meditation. From what I read about this type of meditation, it's more or less that you are supposed to wish happiness to all entities, even, in some versions, ghosts and demons, in all corners of the universe. That is way too advanced for me, but I figured I could start small and maybe grow bit by bit. I thought I could just start with wishing happiness to people I love, people who are kind to me, my friends and my family. So I would start to feel bad and spiral into pain and anger, and I would touch the bead to ground myself, and would wish happiness to the kind friends around me.

In my tarot readings, I sometimes get this card, the Five of Cups, that represents broken relationships, but in the classic tarot deck, it's really only three of the five cups that are overturned and empty with the wine spilled out, two are still standing. The person on the card has his back turned to the upright cups and is just focused on his losses, instead of on what he still has. So I have tried to internalize the lesson of this card, to not be this person, to focus on the goodness and kindness of the friends I still have, instead of all the grief and pain over Clive treating me so horribly.

At the party, this worked, I felt rich with friendships and connection - I liked almost everyone there and they liked me, I felt safe with them and that they wouldn't hurt me. My friend Poul drove me there, and he knows a lot of the history of me and Clive, and he was his usual extremely kind and supportive self. He kept checking in on me and asking if I felt okay. We even set up a code word, so I was supposed to say "hippopotamus" if I couldn't stand being there and felt the need to leave right away. It was a little hard for me to accept Poul being so kind to me - I had to consciously tell myself it was okay for me to accept support and generosity from friends like him and Kellen.

Still, it was an ordeal, it was hard to forget Clive was there, and that everyone else has been duped into thinking he is this nice, sweet, harmless guy, and not the two-faced pathological liar and user he really is. He abused my trust and took advantage of me sexually, and traumatized me and gave me nightmares, and made me feel again like I felt when I was five years old and was taken advantage of as a little kid. And so far he has gotten away with it, with no consequences, and I have been dealing with PTSD and terrible grief for two years. And there is no way for me to communicate to people what really happened and what he really is - when I have tried, I couldn't make myself clear and people wouldn't believe me. Javier didn't believe me, Liesl, Tofer, Jane, Kellen, Edmund, none of them believed me, they all thought I had just gone crazy. So I told them I was just going to put a moratorium on talking about it with them, because it was PTSD City for me, and clearly uncomfortable for them to hear me tell them things they just couldn't believe, about this seemingly sweet nice guy they have all known for twenty years and more. They don't understand what having PTSD means, they don't understand that for me, every day I wake up and it's like it all just happened yesterday, instead of almost two years ago.

When I saw on the Facebook invitation page for the party that Clive was planning on coming, the thought of going there was literally terrifying to me. I felt like if I went to the party, I would be sure to be murdered, I would be in danger of physical harm and violence. That's what it's like having PTSD, being terrified to go someplace, and having to fight through this overwhelming feeling of terror in order to do something like celebrate Liesl's birthday with her. But I did it! Liesl will never know how scary and hard it was for me, but of course, I did it not just for her sake, but for me, too - I had to prove to myself that I could be stronger than these fears that would cripple me and take all my friendships away from me, if I didn't fight them every step of the way.

Yesterday was more good things, too. I met up with guy I only recently became acquainted with through the hiking club I joined, whom I'll call Sophocles (American guy with Greek heritage). I thought it might be sort of a date, because we had texted a few times, and he seemed very, very friendly in his texts. I thought he might be interested in me, so, as is my way when I want to figure out whether a guy is just being nice or is actually interested, I asked whether he might like to meet up for a coffee or a drink. And he said sure. I didn't know that I would be interested even if he was, but it had been so long since I met a new guy, I just figured what the heck, I might as well just try meeting up and having a conversation, and see how it went. And maybe if there wasn't any romantic potential, there might still be friendship potential.

So the "date" ended up being interesting. Sophocles was a lot more attractive than I had remembered - when I met him before it was dark and so I didn't get a good look at him, but we had chatted for a while on the hike, so I knew he was divorced with kids. My impression had just been that he seemed confident and extraverted, and didn't seem the intellectual type, more of a "doer" than a thinker. I didn't know that we'd have much in common. But on this second meeting, I was surprised to find he was quite handsome, and didn't seem put off when I didn't bother to hide that I am more the intellectual type. A lot of times I do downplay that side of me when I meet someone new, because I am afraid of being intimidating or seeming like I'm trying to show off, or bragging. It was also remarkable to me that he really seemed interested in trying to get a read on my character and understand what sort of person I was and where I was coming from. He was sharper intellectually than I had gathered from my first impression, and engaged in a very interesting line of work, in the international development field - he had just come back from a trip to the Middle East. So he had a lot of interesting things to talk about.

I also kind of liked that I could sense a lot of sadness in him. On some level it's appealing, because there is a sort of wisdom you get with sad people who have been through the wringer of life a time or two. I respect sadness. People who are capable of deep grief can also be capable of profound joy. He seemed like someone who could be intense and emotional and passionate, and maybe even in touch with his feelings. Maybe even a reasonably decent communicator. As the conversation went on, I did the thing I do where I run on about myself and maybe I open up too much. I was starting to feel happy and like I liked him, and was thinking, You know what? This guy is attractive. This guy is someone I could actually picture myself going to bed with. Maybe there is some potential here.

He was smiling like he liked me too, but then he seemed to be searching for the right words to tell me something. He said he didn't want to be assuming too much, but he felt like he should mention, just in case I had been thinking of this as maybe a possible romance thing, that he was in a relationship. And I was like, Ah. I said he was right not to assume, because I certainly hadn't been assuming. And in any case (the truth), I didn't feel that I necessarily needed to be dating anyone, because I was happy with where I was in life. (A half-truth. I am blessed and lucky and have so much to be grateful for, but I'm also battling PTSD every day and sometimes every hour, and I cry a lot.)

I did feel it was sort of funny that he hadn't mentioned having a girlfriend earlier. Usually people in a couple mention their partner often in conversation. But, American culture being what it is, being coupled can really isolate you and get in the way of having friends of the opposite sex. I remember feeling that way when I was married, feeling that I couldn't seem to make any male friends, because it was like I was off limits to men who weren't my husband for hanging out with one on one, and I really missed being able to have male friends. One thing I love about being single is that I have lots of guy friends and I don't have to feel weird about it, or worry about a husband or boyfriend getting jealous or feeling insecure about it. So maybe that was why he didn't mention having a girlfriend? Or maybe he just wanted to see if I was interested in him to get some flattery for his ego, before cluing me in to the fact that he was unavailable romantically? He did tell me he would have been very flattered if I was interested in him. I told him he was definitely dateable, and he said I would be dateable too.

Am I really dateable? I don't know. No one I would be attracted to seems interested, but then I haven't really put myself out there much at all over the years. Clive really treated me like dirt, which did shake my confidence, not so much about my worth, but about men being able to see my worth. Obviously, I have a harder time trusting anyone since Clive, after spending years gaining my trust and building me up and making me feel safe and secure, immediately after sex turned into this Dr Jekyll-Mr Hyde creep who wanted to put me down and undermine my confidence and my sense of security, instead of building me up or reassuring me.

Did Sophocles only tell me he had a girlfriend because he had just then and there decided I wasn't attractive enough for him to want to date me? I really don't know. I think I have a lot of good qualities as a person and can be pretty when I'm having a good hair day, and when I am pink-cheeked from exercise or flushed with happiness. I have been told I have nice legs, and objectively I know I do, and I unashamedly show them off. But I also have a lot of physical flaws (crooked teeth and an underbite, a few rosacea blemishes, some blue veins on my legs, some extra pounds, some parts of me starting to sag, wrinkles around my eyes and on my forehead ...) And then I don't know how I come across with the way I talk and my mannerisms and outlook on life, and all of that.

After lunch with Sophocles, then I met Jane and we went to a concert and then out to dinner at a French restaurant, which was good.

A lot of good things this past weekend all in all ... but when I got home and could finally relax on the couch for a few hours with my latest book I'm reading, the PTSD caught up with me again, and I fell into this deep pit of anger at Clive, shaking with anger, picturing myself killing him, hurting him physically, insulting him, shouting at him, exposing him to everyone as the abusive creep that he is - alternated with sobbing and choking with grief, and wishing there were some way for us to reconcile and be friends again someday, as crazy as that sounds. I miss all those years when he was kind to me and we could talk about books, and I felt that he was a safe person, and I thought I could trust him. I miss all the time before he took away my ability to trust in the world, the two decades when my PTSD symptoms were in remission. He took all of that away. And then I cried myself to sleep.

I don't know how to get free of this anger and hatred I feel for him. It's like being in a prison and I don't know how to get free.

well, I didn’t quite delete socials yet - but I did turn off the notifications. I have to go back thru the memories and save them. I tried to just download the data but with the majority of my memories being videos, they downloaded all fucked up. it like downloaded the video but the sound is a separate mp4 and because I wasn’t made for IT - I guess I’ll just save them one by one. so anyway, I just silenced the notifications and that way, I’ll open it less and can eventually work my way off of it.
it’s too bad I have so many photos stored there but it is what it is I guess.
I’m 100% positive my one co-worker knows I’m on my way out of this place- so now he’ll be acting all nice and whatever to keep me there, like that’s gonna work. and 100% positive my other co-worker knows I’m pissed at her. whatever. I’ve been trying to play pretend but everyday it’s something else and I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with whatever she’s doing.
I applied for 3 jobs on Friday.
one, I’m passing on already. another I wasn’t even qualified for so I don’t have high hopes and the last one is the one I’m hoping to get. so fingers crossed.
we will see.

I’m hoping I can get this momentum to continue, unlike last week where one thing took out the back half of my week. I’ve got my fingers crossed and my hopes up for myself but god only knows what’s gonna happen today… all I can do is make it one hour at a time.

I lost it all. I got cocky. Seeing win after win gambling I decided to up the stakes and lost all of it. $0. I was thinking there was no way I can lose again. And the desire overtook and consumed me as I predicted. I lost all of my betting money and now I lack funds to properly travel for work. I played with my money instead of the house's money and lost massively.

This will be my last post for a while due to my depression and it will take time to recover my money, but right now I am at a low point in my life and it will be hard to push forward.

I was in a weird mood all morning. My mind kept vacillating between ecstatic and extremely unwell. I was primarily happy because I managed to set a routine in place and that usually helps my mental state quite a bit.

I had a really nice conversation with my aunt and uncle while they were still sober. We spoke about the harassment that the scientology folks put me through a year or so ago. Auntie said that if they attempt to contact me again, I'm to go to the police. I will.

We walked out into the garden to check out the hybrid tulips my mom planted. I was asked whether tulips were still mu favourite flowers. I responded that they are my SECOND favourite, sunflowers being the first.

Later, when I walked into the kitchen, there were sunflowers there. How sweet.

I spent the rest of the day reading and studying. I played some Bokura with one of my partners and roleplayed with the other.

Now I'm getting ready for bed.