I'm tired, finally in our hotel room after a long day of travel. We started the day by missing our first flight and having to book different flights, which put us four hours behind our original schedule. Of course, we had to deal with the usual airport bullshit: delayed flights, gate changes, and overpriced food that is barely edible. I know I will have the farts tonight from that burger and fries. Not to mention the grumpy business travelers who clearly wished they were at home.

But as they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

On our last flight of the day, departing from Chicago and bound for Rochester, MN, the sky was gray and cloudy. After a bumpy takeoff, we rose above the clouds to smooth flying. Seated on the left side of the plane by the window, I spent the rest of the flight watching the sun set into the thick clouds below us. It was an amazing sight at 20,000 feet.

The sky displayed lovely shades of red, orange, and yellow fading into the darkening sky above. As I gazed out at the scene, I meditated on the good health and fortune of my family and friends. My meditation was soon interrupted by the pilot's announcement that we would be landing soon. So, I straightened up in my seat and tightened my seat belt, preparing for a rough landing as I've experienced on many previous flights.

I stayed relaxed, enjoying the scenery as the clouds drew closer during our descent. Then, the sky suddenly darkened as we entered the heavy layer of clouds. Normally, I would see squares of land, houses resembling dollhouses, and tiny cars scurrying along the highways. But tonight, there was only darkness.

The descent was rough and bumpy as the pilot adjusted the throttle to maintain our glide path. Amid the darkness, I spotted a few distant streetlights shining up from the city below, like stars in an upside-down world. As we got closer, the city lights became clearer, and a few moments later, our wheels touched the runway. We taxied to our gate, bringing our long journey to an end.

Earlier, I mentioned a silver lining, and mine was witnessing that beautiful sunset in a way I never had before. It was knowing we landed safely, and that all of us on that flight were fine, heading to our homes and hotels for much-needed rest.

Edit: Someone sent me reddit cares thingie, and I heard that people only send you that when they don't like you, so I assume people want me to get off this sub. I'm sorry, I'll delete my posts from here soon, and I won't post again. Sorry again.

I got so sick yesterday, I was barely able to even stand up straight. I had a quiz that day too, and I ended up with only a 70% on a course that I normally get around 80%. And I have two tests tomorrow, and I've barely even studied for them. At least I took a bunch of Advil, so my sore throat is feeling better.

Plus, I need to finish my personal statement for university in the next three hours. It's supposed to be a rough draft, but it's still hard to find the right personal tone and story to hit. I feel like I have no worth, and I'm not sure what to say without universities turning me down because of my mental health and grades. I'm not noble. I panic when it comes to talking to strangers, even if it's for a good cause, and to be honest, I feel like a crappy knock-off of my friends. While they're successful and good at their hobbies, I'm barely passing my classes, and suck at putting the time into my hobbies. The worst part is, I know it's all my fault. I know that I need to put in the effort, but I just can't. I want to bury myself under a tree and never wake up again.

On the other hand, after going through a hell that included my joints feeling like they were on fire, feeling nauseous and dizzy, and barely able to stay conscious throughout the day yesterday, seemed to have renewed whatever little shitty braincell that wants me to stay alive. I can tell, mainly because I don't feel too much like throwing myself under a train tomorrow.

It's time like these where I'm either grateful (because I'm somewhat in a better place mentally) or angry (because I kinda just want to cease to exist at the moment) that I don't have access to a gun. I know that if I had one, I would have used it a long time ago, because, well, I'm scared of the other methods. The idea of pain being easily removed in an instant appeals to me, even though I know it's bad.

I need to get back to working on my personal statement and studying. Positive spins on things in my life that I don't think I've ever learned from, here I come.

Let me tell you about my morning… Our cat was breathing weird so I take him to the vet, they call me later and I had to take him to an ER over an hour away. My ex yelled at me like it’s my fault he’s sick and I cried the whole way there. In between all this I knocked over the trash cans, I couldn’t find my bra so we are free today, apparently my shirt is also inside out, I locked my steering wheel, oh and before it all I couldn’t find the pet carrier so I had to Jerry rig a collar and leash.

If it’s not FIP doing it it’s congestive heart failure. On top of all this my medical bills, now the cat’s, my tumor, my double vision, & my broken heart. I just want a hug and the one person I need it from I can’t.

Just when I get mentally stable from the tumor all hell breaks loose.

Yay

Dear reddit. Why why why? Why do I do this to myself. I relapsed again. When I was so close to getting into a sober house. I just had one more fucking day of not drinking. Is pain a pleasure for me?
What was I thinking? Is destruction a game for me? Is upheaval a coin toss? Is this a spiral to gain what I feel I should go through? Another loss? I'm lost. ..... Now I'm facing homelessness. And abandonment. All the things I fear. Paving derailed roads if it's just a way to get closer to him. Not my boyfriend. Or rather I say, my fiance. But my husband. My thunder. My lighting who died a year ago. He overdosed. I saw him die. Just as we were to start a new life. And the new guy I met and fell in love with, He was born the same date my husband left. Irony sometimes is lonely. But it at times leads us to what we're meant to breath. In. In side my hole. Where No one else can reach me. Or would care to go. I'm sorry, I keep destroying my life. And when I get scared I reach up and pretend to know how to fight But I don't. I never have. I'm just a spoiled brat. I have nothing now. Just where I was meant to die at.

Wow. So much stuff happened today, so I want to put my thoughts down and make a goal for tomorrow. Here goes.

To start, I didn’t complete everything I want to do last night, but I did a lot, so I still felt accomplished. I read and gave feedback to two of my classmates in writing class, which leaves just one more that’s late, and astronomy assignments that I need to complete.

This morning I woke up around 12pm. I finally completed the destroyed license plate form I needed to complete after my car was in a fire last month. Then I went to class, costume shop class in College, and had a lot of fun de-stressing costumes so they look old and used for a stage production of Annie.

Next, I went to a close up magic show at a hotel nearby that I intern at, and it was so cool seeing all these fabulous magicians do all their tricks. One of the magicians, Stacy Stardust, is especially inspirational to me, as there aren’t that many female magicians, but she does magic so well that it really inspires me. She told me she’s been doing magic for 4 years, and started out doing magic at the school I’m signed up to, which is really cool.

After close up magic I went to magic club, where all the magicians in my city come to hang out, and I shared the two tricks I’ve been practicing, as well as a cool poem I made them I’m gonna put to magic, and I learned to much more from everyone there and also bought two more tricks from magic store.

When I came home, the Vengeance Saga of Epic the Musical was released today, so I listened to it and watched the recording of the livestream, and it was so incredible and amazing, a perfect end to a great day.

Before I sleep tonight I’m gonna write feedback on the last short story I have from Creative Writing class, and do at least 2 assignments from astronomy (trying to be more realistic from the 3 from yesterday) and if I’m not tired, I’ll try to write some of my own stories, and make a cardboard Halloween costume.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be an exciting day at the comedy club I intern at, as well as an exciting day of classes, so I won’t stay up too late, hopefully, and I will write a record of everything tomorrow night! For now, see you later, future me!!

Every time I journal, it’s because life feels meaningless and I don’t have anyone to talk to about my day.

Just finished taking a midterm. I’m going to bed hungry because I spent my entire day studying. More like half the day studying because I spent a significant portion of it distracted. Cheap dopamine will be the cause of my downfall. I should have prepared for it earlier. I didn’t because I had extra time. Whenever I have extra time, I’ll use it as a reason to not study. I can only focus when I’m in a high stress situation. I don’t get stressed enough.

I have trouble getting out of bed. I want to be better and productive throughout the entire day but I don’t have the motivation for it. It feels like I’m mentally torturing myself every time I try to be productive. Grade deflation forces me to put in effort. I’m tired, I have nothing left to say.

I want to feel the pain. I want to experience it as deep as it goes. I want no opioids to numb my sensations. Bring it on. Give me all of it.

I will not hide from the pain. I will not intoxicate myself with lights and laughter. I will feel it all. Every teardrop, every gasp, every tremble.

Let me suffer. Let me meet it alone. Let me hurt as much as it was meant to hurt. Give me no alternatives. Do not dilute the cup that was ordained to me. I was built strong enough for this.

Cease your good words towards me. Take away your embrace. Strip me naked, take away my water, my meal. Take away my Sun, my Solace, my Comforter. Take away my pleasures, my distractions.

I will not fear the darkness. I will not fear the silence. I will not fear the solitude. I will not fear you.

I'm back to work full time at my normal job and Jesus Christ, does it suck. Having been away for about 2 months, working in a healthier, more supportive environment, has really shown me just how crappy my normal work situation is. I feel extremely frustrated all throughout the day, until I come home and just cry. That's how it's been going every single day.

I've realized a few things that contribute to me feeling so horrible here:

• My supervisor knows next to nothing about what I'm working on, but he pretends to know everything. Every interaction we have is just me trying to ask him questions, or at least find out whether what I'm doing is more or less OK, and him just dodging the question and lecturing me on topics that are completely irrelevant. He has never showed me how to do anything, at any point during my masters or PhD, but he just gets angry when I don't deliver results "fast enough".

• There is no one else in my work environment working on a similar topic. I noticed that I get a lot of motivation from working alongside others, being able to discuss things, or at least feel like I'm not struggling on my own. Now I have to teach myself all the necessary skills to do my PhD, constantly push back against my own supervisor so he doesn't sabotage it, and I have to do all that completely on my own.

• I live in a country that is not my own, so I always feel like an outsider who will never really fit in. And yet I've been living here so long now that it's lost its novelty, which is what normally makes moving abroad exciting.

• I have very few people in my personal life that I can talk to about all this. In fact, I have more problems in my personal life that I kinda have to solve on the side if I want to keep being productive at work. I don't talk to my dad bc I think he's an asshole and he also kind of abused me as a kid, and my mom keeps asking me to talk to him despite knowing all this. I have to try and find closure after I was r*ped just last year and I now have to deal with the fact that the guy who did it can just go free with no consequences. There is nobody supporting me throughout all this, apart from my therapist who literally gets paid for that (bless her though).

Maybe some of that is my fault. I have been pushing people away here and there. But idk how to stop. I just feel so frustrated, all of the time, which makes it really hard to trust others. And I feel like the only thing I can do these days is vent, express my frustrations, and nobody wants to hear that.

Thanks for reading this post, and listening to me rant. It helps.

I'm trying to process the conversation I had with Liesl the night before last. I had gotten triggered because Jane sent out a group email invitation to her birthday dinner, with me and the rest of the friend group along with Clive (aka, the lying, emotionally abusive creep who manipulated me into unwanted sex, and, it turns out, is also high-functioning autistic). I hit reply-all and said I would be happy to join the group, and then Clive hit reply-all and said he would also be joining, and then I started having panic attacks and freaking out. I didn't want to spoil Jane's birthday by making a scene or going ballistic in response. Instead I politely told Jane by private email that I couldn't make it after all but I would love to take her out to dinner when I was back in town.

But, a few days before the dinner I reached out to an acquaintance from our book club who was going, who was the only one who hadn't yet heard the story, and told her Clive had been emotionally and sexually abusive to me, and I just didn't want to keep quiet about it because I felt people should know. I had since learned he was autistic, and I understood people still wanting to be friends with him, I told her, but I personally didn't want anything to do with him and was nope-ing out of the dinner because of it.

She didn't respond, and then after the dinner had passed, I sent a group email to Liesl, Tofer, Javier, Valentina, and Jane telling them that Oonagh had told me Clive was autistic. If I had just known three years ago that he was autistic, I could have made an informed decision about whether I wanted to take on the challenges of an ASD-neurotypical relationship, so I felt it was important to tell people about that.

Since that exchange with Oonagh, I've learned a lot more about autism, and am positive now that Oonagh was right, and the whole set of traumatizing and horrible experiences with Clive makes a lot more sense. But of course, autism is still not an excuse for consent violations or cruelty or acting like a compulsive serial womanizer for decades. I think the consensus of the internet is that autism doesn't necessarily make anyone abusive, but it also doesn't necessarily make anyone not abusive (including Neil Gaiman!). Contrary to some popular beliefs one meets on subreddits, adults with ASD are not just holy innocents who can do no wrong and are incapable of lying. They are human beings, and the spectrum is very broad; some can lie and manipulate and abuse just as some NTs can. Plus, every human being, whether ASD or NT, is a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses and good and bad and gray-area actions.

But, yeah, the email did not go over well, and Liesl and Javier both responded to the group making all kinds of accusations to the effect that I was just a disgruntled ex trying to smear the reputation of someone who rejected me, and Clive was a great guy with no flaws, how dare I say such horrible things about him, and I was making up PTSD just to wallow in victimhood. And I responded by accusing Liesl of suggesting that a consent violation was no big deal just because she herself was a fan of emotionally detached casual sex, and I trauma-dumped and told everyone on the email that I had been SA'd when I was five years old, so a consent violation was never going to be no big deal to me. I'm guessing that shocked people a bit, and then Liesl and Tofer suggested that we just talk offline, and so I agreed to talk offline.

Tofer was out of the country, so I just met up with Liesl first and separately for dinner out. It was actually good to see her. I had taken some time to remind myself why we were friends in the first place. Her good qualities are that she's kind and motherly and caring, and also extroverted and likes to organize fun things. She's a sweet, adorable person in so many ways. The tough thing about her, as Jane and I talked about, is that she can be very controlling. My hot take is that she has an anxious attachment style and overall runs to anxiety, so that's why she gets so controlling. Especially in the past couple of years, she has also tended to drink a lot and has become more testy and irritable in general. She has had family stress, and she and Tofer have been in couples counseling. They love each other, I'm pretty sure, but they have both been unhappy in the marriage, I guess. So she's been under stress.

I think what I also realized from the conversation and thinking things through, is that she is just not very bright in some ways - she doesn't read, can't express herself very articulately in writing, and she might be borderline illiterate, honestly - not in the sense of not knowing how to read, but just being so adapted to an internet culture of watching shows and Youtube videos, and scrolling through photo-based and meme-based social media, that her reading comprehension is very low. She mentioned that it took her an hour to read my email. I hadn't really considered the degree to which just reading could be difficult for her, because I'm so steeped, myself, in a life of constant reading and writing, and have very little truck with videos or TV shows or image-based social media. (I like Reddit discussions because of how in-depth they can get with people actually linking to peer-reviewed journal articles!)

Another notable thing about the conversation was that I think she has adopted a style of "pushing" dialogue from her couples counseling therapist. We were talking about "reasonable accommodation" type things that I thought could help me manage triggers better, like not putting me and Clive both on group emails where people were hitting reply-all. And then she was like, well, you're asking for these things from us, but what are YOU doing to fix this within yourself. She was so relentless with this pushing that I quickly just started to feel bullied. Of course, I can't just bootstrap myself out of PTSD or magically cure myself through force of will. The whole reason it's a disorder and I went through two years of therapy for it recently is because the normal things like trying to distract yourself or think positively aren't enough to combat the symptoms, which can be overwhelming and intensely physical, like my panic attacks. She doesn't know anything about PTSD, as she freely admitted, yet kept pushing me on how I was planning to cure myself to be all better and stop having to ask for anything from her the others. She was doing it with the best of intentions, as she said, but just, the style of it was so aggressive, it wasn't helpful and just made me feel attacked and like she was putting all these unrealistic expectations on me.

Then she told me she had been doing the same thing to Tofer for the past year. All I could think was, poor Tofer, that was traumatizing to me for just the half hour she was doing it - imagine being so aggressively grilled like that on a regular basis for a year, by someone you're living with, and trying to have a healthy marriage with. Yikes.

One of the things I finally offered, trying to answer her "pushing" questions, was "I could give you space." And she said, with a bit of a sneer, "You might have noticed that Tofer and I have been taking some space." And I nodded and said, "Yeah, and I have been, too." That seemed to shock her a little, like she hadn't considered that it was two-sided, and I had been pulling away from them in response to them treating me so coldly. And I said, "Look, I'm not telling you have to do these reasonable accommodation type things. It's just options. If you don't want the distance." Again, she kind of flinched at that, like she hadn't understood that what I was really doing was trying to set some boundaries, and if those didn't get respected, I would continue pulling back from the friendship. But I looked her in the eye and held firm.

At the end she said she was really glad we'd gotten to talk. And, thinking it had gone well, I asked, So then, do you still want to be friends? And she said, "I'm willing to work on trying to rebuild this." It wasn't the unambiguous reassurance I had been hoping for. So I was left, on the whole, feeling that I probably wouldn't be reaching out to her any time soon, and would just wait and see if I heard from her, but wouldn't hold my breath. But, I do think it was good that we talked. I always learn valuable things when I have these kinds of conversations. Like, I learned she was dealing with some heartbreaking things with another friend of hers who had early-onset dementia. I got to understand a little better where she was coming from. And at least we left the door for further rapprochement, maybe someday.

Next up is a conversation with Tofer the day after tomorrow. I'm dreading that too, especially as Liesl said I couldn't expect him to be as nice to me about things as she was. Given how I felt bullied by her pushing, if he was going to be even less nice, yikes. But she might be lacking perspective and think she was nicer than she was, not realizing how the pushing comes across. So, while I don't expect any breakthroughs with Tofer, I plan to try to do the active listening thing with him and evaluate the degree to which friendly acquaintanceship remains a possibility, based on how the interaction makes me feel. I'll try to go into with an open mind and learn what I can, and also be cautious and protect myself from any further bullying, and be firm with setting and sticking to boundaries.

I love creativity, but growing up I never really had a chance to explore it all. Now in college I have the chance to, and part of the problem is there’s just too much I want to do, but all of it takes years of work and it’s so easy to just… stop, but I want to learn comedy and magic and creative writing and music and art and dance and so much more!!!

Yesterday my grandparents took me to see Back to the Future: the Musical, and the acting, designs, music, dance, writing, and everything about it was so so amazing, and just rejuvenating my dream of being part of some kind of creative community, even if it’s not as high profile as broadway, so after about a month of depression caused by being overwhelmed, it’s time for a restart!!

Tonight my goal is to finish off the homework I’ve been leaving off, which is writing feedback for my classmates in creative writing class: 3 people’s short stories to read and answer the questions, and then complete at least 3 assignments of astronomy class that have been piling up. As a reward for homework milestones I will also begin to craft my costume for Dragonsteel Nexus convention in about a month, which is super super exciting!!! I will update tomorrow with my progress on my goals, and hopefully keep writing here every day. See you tomorrow, future me!

I just know it. I have to make it to this one career. It's that or nothing, she told me that. I don't think I can make it. I really, really don't think so. It would be better if I was dead.

I have to do it on Friday. I don't see any other choice. I'm scared, but I have to do it.

I need to calm down. Alright. Get my head on straight.

Things aren't going to get better. I know this. I know that the last time I was really happy was when I was nine years old, nearly a decade ago. I know that if I don't get into computer science, she won't forgive me. She won't even let me try to apply to computer security, which has a lower grade admission that I might actually be able to get into. I know I'm stupid. I can't grasp concepts as quickly as my classmates can.

It feels like there's a boot slammed down on my chest, not letting me up. The pressure from a train running over me will feel lighter than this.

I'm crying. I don't know why. I should have seen this coming a long time ago.

Bombed a midterm. Got a C on a paper. Despite this, I don’t feel much and thats the problem. I rationalize instead of feel. Emotion is the driver of change and I cannot feel enough in order to cross that threshold. I regret not putting in my full effort before I came here. I’m not prepared. I do the bare minimum. The only time where emotion has actually driven action was when I nearly got rescinded. Despite that, I still procrastinated. I went to therapy but that didn’t make much if any difference. I procrastinate to such a large extent. I could be so much better if I had control over myself. I don’t even know how I managed to get in but I’m so grateful that I did. I have an unusually high amount of ambition for someone so incompetent. I want to get better but every day I keep falling for meaningless distraction. At least I’m eating healthy and working out regularly now. I have a routine at least. I spend nearly all my time at the library without actually studying. Instead I get distracted, every time I try to get work done I cannot focus. Meditation seems like the only solution. My brain is wired to be distracted.

Every day I check my linkedin. I compare myself to others. It used to be a source of motivation but now it’s a source of distraction. I’ve become obsessed with prestige. I thought I’d be satisfied here but I’m not. I want to go to Harvard for grad school. I need to get better. I keep having delusions of grandeur. I daydream about being in a position of power and having the ability to create positive change in the world. I want to attain status and wealth. That comes first, being altruistic comes second. I’ve rationalized selfishness and I’m conflicted with morals. I want the reward without putting in the work. The amount of work allocated does not matter, the only thing that does is the reward. I want to improve. All of my desires are based on logic, I don’t know what I want. When I think about my purpose, it only appears in my conscious mind. It never goes to the unconscious. I cannot use it as a driver if it’s not in the unconscious. I can’t both do work and be thinking about my purpose simultaneously. I’m tired.

I don't know how long I'll last here. I've tried an IRL diary before, but I keep giving up. There's no point in posting my bullshit to the subs I used to, there are people with more important and frankly more troubling issues. I don't want to bother them or take time away from helping them.

I feel like every other day there's an up and a down. I know people say that life is full of ups and downs, but if life was a rollercoaster, mine is one that was abandoned halfway, and I'm about to crash into a mountain.

I wish I got the nerve to do it on Friday. It would make things better. There wasn't much that I missed anyways. My friends don't really like me all that much I think, and I don't blame them. My parents are delusional to love me, and I haven't even gotten a proper hobby or job yet. I need to finish my scholarship assignments, I'm behind in my humanities class, and advanced functions is a gun that's slowly being loaded and getting ready to fire on Halloween, of all days.

I wonder what it'd be like to die on Halloween. There's probably a ton of stories about it. Maybe I can try my hand at it if I'm not dead yet.

Maybe I'll do it on November 1st. This coming Friday. I gave myself two weeks last time, I'll give myself one week this time. I'm scared, but I have to remind myself that it's better than the future. Hopefully I'll stick to it.

Until then, no one needs to know, and there's no reason to cause me more pain. I'll go back to working on my scholarship assignment. I'll close some games, and try to focus. Maybe I'll back out of my plan on Friday. Part of me is hoping that I will. Another part of me is hoping I won't.

I don't even know how to tag this properly as real or fiction. Ugh. I'll mark it as NSFW, so that people who understandably don't want to see this and block NSFW won't see it.

in my case you can't make anyone like you. I haven't felt so rejected and ugly in so long and let me tell you I didn't miss the feeling.

It sucks when the person you thought could be your friend basically rejected you (probably because you were too annoying). I should've never gotten my hopes up. Never again. I'm just going to automatically assume people dislike me when they meet me from now on haha.

Said person who rejected me once told me "people come and go for various reasons. No reason to miss out on knowing a piece of them." and he's right but I wish I could've known him longer. But at least I have that piece and I'll never forget him as long as I live.

All I can do now is hope I find someone who will accept me the way I am. I just hope they're as interesting (but that's not necessarily a requirement to be my friend haha).

I think for nothing. It's useless, thinking won't help me. I am living and experiencing this life nonetheless. I want simple things. Oh, who doesn't want simple things?

Some people die suddenly, like in a car crash. Life can end, just like that. It's so absurd that it's funny. Life can be considered, in a very justifiable way, a mistake. Humans barely made it. Life in the distant past, without modern medicine and technology, was barely livable. Tooth ache? Broken leg in the forest, all alone? Some disease? Gone. Miserable life, hungry and cold for a few years, then gone. And for the unlucky ones in underdeveloped countries, some of these things are still a reality.

Life can be seen through so many lenses, depending on how you feel. And one can feel so many ways. The weight of the universe can be felt on one's shoulders, you just got to be conscious of it. Though, chaos and pain are way more prevalent than happiness and wellbeing. Suffering is the norm. You suffer, then you die.

It hurts. Life hurts. Do what you can. Maybe there is hope.

I just moved to LA for a job. I miss fall. I didn’t think I’d think about it so much. When chills thrill my body, a new phase of the year begins. I think I’m now just realizing how in-tune I am with the world around me. With nature and all of its gifts. I’m not spiritual - but I sense life, ebbing and flowing through the lands. I miss being in touch with the changing of seasons. That is what is natural. That is what is right. And being in LA makes it hard to feel like I’m on the same planet I grew up on. When I was younger I wanted the summer to last forever. I wanted to see the sun over and over again, to deliver that feeling I had back as a child while playing with my neighbors, riding bikes to the nearest parks. I wanted to relish sitting on benches in a sprawling field, listening to the cicadas in the bushes sing. I wanted more to life, to escape. But now that I’m finally gone, I realize what I’m missing. And it’s painful - because I just know that if I go back to that life, I’ll want to escape all over again. It’s this cycle of nostalgia, the inability to let go, dreams and wonder all colliding at once and it’s making me lose my mind.

Shit man, I really could be me this whole time, huh? The past year has done so much good to me. I've been riding some wild highs and following them up with some devastating lows. It's all finally worth it now though!

Transitioning has done so much to allow me to break through illogical inhibitions and to do what I want. I've built support groups that are genuinely here for me now. I care about myself and want to do what I can to make sure the life I live is one I am proud and excited to live!

This past few months even I have moved into my own place, I have gotten medicated for ADHD, prescribed medication to help my PTSD nightmares, found community, switched to injections and have never stopped advocating for what I need in my transition, and finally have started experiencing life as I always have wanted to do.

Recently I had the most severe PTSD episode I've ever had. Instead of being by myself and wanting to die, I had friends who came to support me and help me through it. A year ago I could hardly imagine I could deserve people who care about me. I am so happy I can accept being happy and that I can be content with having bad moments because I have support.

I am able to work consistently, I drink safely and without fear, I fucking swear now, I can support myself, and it is all so good. I'm starting to see the value people attribute to me. I'm able to find value in aspects of myself without any reassurance.

I still have difficulties, but now I am motivated to get past them and to work hard to make things better and easier for myself in this life. I've had my share of suffering, it is time to thrive now :)

Maybe I'll be here a year from now with even better news!

I cried with my mom this week.

It was unexpected. It hurt. And it healed.

Through the last year and its humbling lessons, if I have learned one thing, it’s probably this: Love wins.

Because there is hope in love. There is peace in love. There is healing in love.

————

Taking the dusty albums off the shelf, I had just begun flipping through the old family albums when my mom joined me.

We looked at the pictures and smiled and made silly comments at ourselves. We laughed - at ourselves, our weird outfits, our funny expressions. At the naive 30-something year old couple with their undeniable “we’re still figuring it out” faces with 2 giddy girls hanging on their sides… at those awkward, messy kids who are miniature versions of who we today.

Has it ever happened to you too? When you laugh so hard it turns into tears?

Well, next she was wiping her tears and when I saw that I broke down like I was a child again.

I suddenly realized, how precious it was - our journey. A journey of a family - the story of a love, of a pain, and everything in between. And we were just there, crying, unashamedly.

God, we must be so stressed to break down like that. But man, it felt good.

A few minutes later, we were back to our normal routines again - but somehow, everything felt just a little bit warmer.

I took the past week off work, just to have mental space to deal with everything. Been living like somewhat of a hermit, not responding to message and stuff, but dear God did I need it.

Coming home to an empty apartment. Breaking down the guinea pig cage, clearing out all their stuff. I can't do it again. Even though it makes me sad, I don't have the space in my life for new ones.

The week off also gave me some time to deal with the "social jetlag" after coming home from France. I felt really connected to the people I met while I was there. It gave me a sense of purpose in my work. On the weekends, I caught myself looking forward to the week to start again, so I could see my colleagues who, I think, also felt like friends to me.

In general it kinda sucks that the people who mean the most to me are spread over all of Europe now. The people that make me feel the safest, the most heard, they are all far away. My two best friends moved away around the same time. B is in France, living his own life. My dearest friends from my childhood are living their lives back home. And I'm living out here. I have some friends here, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure they still like me. I think I fucked up some of those relationships here and there, and I have no idea how to fix them.

This week also marks one year since it happened. Which is why I planned to take this week off in the first place. I didn't get as many flashbacks or negative emotions as I expected. It was relatively quiet in that regard. And the more time passes, the more the idea can sink in that this world is not that dangerous all of the time, which makes me feel a little bit more calm. What's left now is to try and find some sort of closure. I'm taking steps for that. It's taking some time, but I'll find a way.

I don't understand why everyone tries to sugar coat when someone is honest with themselves about how they are self aware about their own stupidity. why? why gaslight someone into telling them they have more capabilities than they really have. what does that do? who cares about feelings you get more hurt in the end believing that you can do more than you really can. the truth comes out. I can have people tell me I'm smart all day but you know who suffers in the end when I try because they told me I'm smart despite me telling them I know I'm not? ME. me, by myself failing while everyone else excels at what I'm trying to do because I'm the one who's trying to be something I'm not. people need to STOP trying to be kind and lie to people about the truth. it serves no one and it's so frustrating. I hate that. they always say, OH STOP BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF. I'm not being mean I'm being honest! because no one else WILL BE! shouldn't I be honest about who I am to myself!? or should I lie to myself when the proof is out there for everyone to see. no one can hide the facts of the results of your life! you are what you are and you can try to hide it but if you're smart af you're going to have money and if you're dumb you'll be poor! that's the truth! people need to wake the fuck up. I'm sorry I'm being aggressive but im so SICK of people encouraging me to gaslight myself! and watch in 2024 I may get cancelled for hate speech against myself?!

First day in the ward today, I got SF2 and the moment I entered I got this negative feeling. Can’t describe it. The nurses weren’t even welcoming didn’t even give an orientation, just told me to get a sheet of paper and attend the hand over. When I told her I have a class at 9, she told me to do as much work as I can before it. S sister would tell me to take a break at 8.30, rest and then go. I miss my sisters from the opd. :( i met Y sister today I wanted to hug her. Also these nurses made me do their work that wasn’t even respectful like get me this get me that, go here and there. My opd sisters never did that and didn’t let me do their half- work. I’m so not ready to go tomorrow. I am really uncomfortable in that area. It makes me sad because I like having a good and friendly atmosphere. Maybe it will be better tomorrow? I’m gonna hope so and go. How bad can it be? I’ve done it for 4 years, I can do it now. Can’t sleep just thinking about it tomorrow. But I have lots of things to do tomorrow so I’ll just suck it up and do. Also it’s 25th!!

I hate that I care so much for someone who doesn't even care about me. I don't know why this hurts when it was all one-sided in the first place. I'll never reach out again. Not to anyone. I don't understand why it hurts. I'm pissed that it bothers me so much, I'm pissed that it hurts. All I wanted was a friend and I can't even have that. I could never have that in the first place. I'm so tired of crying over this. why did I get so attached? God I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I'm so stupid.

I've been feeling kinda lonely and not so connected with my friends or acquaintances tbh. I've just 1 bestfriend who I talk to everyday and that's it. I was wondering that does everyone have a groupchat with 3 to 5 besties and all? Orr whatever it is how is your situation with this friendship life?

I feel like I’m getting a hold of myself again. While it may seem backwards, I’m dropping out of college this semester and maybe taking a short hiatus. However in doing so took a huge weight off my chest and one less major thing to worry about. While I’m still in the same place work wise, the surroundings have become more manageable.

I have an opportunity lined up for me, and I’m constantly saying one more day. Not realizing just how damaging that is. While it’s true that my time is limited. My mentality should remain focused and disciplined. I feel as though, I got my head screwed on again. I’ve been making appointments that I’ve procrastinate on. Progress on longstanding work projects. Most importantly, and I still need to get better at. Time not only for myself (I.e. hobbies, friends, and activities), but for my partner as well.

My mind is sound, likely because I’ve been taking my medication again. But I do feel more focus and I can see the finish line. Transitioning, I have a 5k this weekend and I feel unprepared. However, the way I will choose to see it is I’m at least doing it and making attempts to be more active and be around friends.

Taking life one thing at time…a quote I once heard:

“If you’re dealing with something. Take things one hour at a time. If you can’t do that, take it one minute at a time. If you can’t do that, then one second at a time until you’ve composed yourself to move forward.”

These words have helped me a lot during tough times and I hope it can help others too.

Small wins I have achieved recently - (Grateful journal)

Body in great shape.
Physical exercises are picking up.
Eating healthy.
Weather is great.
Socialising enough.
Getting into reading.
Started poetry. Love it.
Things are looking good. I need a vacation though.

Where do I even begin to express this tumultuous inner world? My heart has long been a vessel of anguish, filled with emotions so powerful they consume every fiber of my being. Controlling them has been an elusive endeavor; instead, they manifest through a cascade of physical reactions. My abdomen feels perpetually constricted, as if gripped by an invisible hand, while a piercing ache burrows deep within my chest. Each breath is a struggle against the oppressive forces of despair. I find no solace in nourishment, and sleep is but a troubled refuge. At best, I dream of happier times, only to awaken and crumble under the weight of reality. At worst, my sleep is a tortured realm, haunted by the distorted shadows of my inner demons.

By all accounts, my life should be fulfilling. I've achieved my goals, excelled in my endeavors, and found companionship in someone who adores me, a person seemingly crafted with the utmost perfection. My family loves me, and I possess the resources to meet my needs without undue stress. My job offers invaluable education and experience, while my travels across this beautiful country create memories destined to last a lifetime.

Yet, here I sit at my desk, tears flowing freely. Yesterday, lost in my torment, I drove aimlessly, caught in a web of anguish. Tomorrow, I am meant to join this wonderful man at a hotel, a gentle soul who loves his mother and would make an extraordinary husband. Yet, the impulse to board a plane and return home is overwhelming. Each morning, I rise at 5:30, forcing myself to take a shower in a futile attempt to cleanse away the sadness. Music accompanies my journey to work, yet each song evokes memories, leaving me gasping for air.

I yearn for my best friend, the one who saw me as no one else did. With him, I shared a bond that transcended words, a connection I long to reclaim. I wonder if he feels anything for what we shared, or if the pain and grief have eroded it forever. In his presence, I felt understood and seen, despite the moments of discord. I cling to the hope that our connection was real, that it wasn't just an illusion I created. Losing this bond would be losing the one undeniable good in my life, and if it was never truly there, my despair would know no bounds.

I long to return home, to the embrace of those who know and love me deeply. Despite my efforts to create a better life, the financial gains feel inadequate—a mere $400 more each month. This additional sum is destined for a plane ticket back to where my heart truly belongs.

The answer may seem clear: life is better here. Opportunities abound—I can receive medical care and secure employment if needed. But why, then, am I engulfed in such profound unhappiness?

The ultimate question remains: what is the purpose of life when every avenue appears before me, yet I still feel as though I'm drowning? Must I endure this unending misery to avoid squandering my potential, or do I truly deserve more?

These thoughts course through my mind, urging me to seek the solace and understanding I so desperately crave.

Got accepted today. Im happy! Lost two good people and gained this. What’s this really? I don’t understand. Anyways. Grateful for this aaa. I hope the rest of the process goes well, not gonna get too excited about it. Grandpa told me a good God does good always and tbh I think it was because of mom praying day and night for me. Because Im honestly confused how I got in considering I applied towards the very end. Academics are one thing I had an advantage in but prayers did help for sure. Ive also got closer to God. Im not gonna leave work. I like it so much and I’ll not leave now anyways sitting at home isn’t that good. I was considering therapy but the timings aren’t matching mine but I’ll see what I can do. Came home and ate nuggets and pav love the combo. Then went to sea walk with an old friend and spoke about school it was so nice to see how much I’ve changed as a person and how much I cannot recall from the past haha. BEAUTIFUL sunset and just came home now, gonna shower with my fav podcast girly and I feel like a body scrub day for some reason then I’ll pray and dinner and serial and Zzzz.

Sigh~ So one of my employees is out due to PTO request and they’re one of my rep whoes been beaten down, ridiculed, and overall deserved an extended weekend.

So for the day I’ve been picking up the slack, answering the phones making sales calls. While doing my own work on top of this. A client who we’ve been having issues with for sometime has a direct line to my boss and begins to complain to her about my team and how they’re not satisfied.

I got an email about it this morning from my boss with the implication to handle it. So while I’m doing everything I’m also making calls to some connections for this client so that we can address this. Got what we needed, and I took my lunch with the predetermined plan to call the client afterwards. Notice the client called and then shortly afterwards my boss called. She asks me, why hasn’t the situation been sorted and asked what am I doing that’s more important? I notified her that I’m currently eating lunch and that the client was going to address right afterwards. Her words were, what’s more important than a client sharing their frustration and you’re eating lunch keeping her waiting.

She didn’t even give me the chance to explain myself. She just instantly took the client’s side. Not even realizing that I got her 3 major clients AND resolved the issue already. This isn’t even the worst of it. She wants to meet tomorrow about prioritizing. Could I be better at my work, of course, they is always room to improve. At least give some room to listen. Cherry on top the issues itself wasn’t even major, she just made it a huge deal for nothing.

Overall, pretty worn out myself, always feel like I’m on an edge with this work. Always have to tip toe around when talking to higher ups. There’s no room for empathy here. You just slowly get beaten down and talked like you’re a dog on a short leash. Always gritting my teeth because I’m trying to keep this job as I got shit to pay.

Tomorrow is always a new day and there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel as they say.

It's simply too damn much to do for a weekend: work, study, personal time, deadlines, emails...

But I get a text. Inviting me over for a special occasion. The distance: 2 hours.

I calculate, “Back and forth 4 hours, plus 2 hours time together. That’s 6.”

I think, “Hey that's enough time to return and complete my stuff. “

So I say “Yes” and go. By the time the fun's over and it’s time to start my way back, 7 hours have passed already.

Yeah, no surprise. I was always bad at math.

On the way back, another invitation pops up, “let’s drop by this cool place.”

I hesitate, but again I can’t say “No.”

I tell, “I’ll still have most of the evening and night, so sure let’s do it.”

By the time I’m home, I’m tired, ready to shower, and get to bed. But it’s Saturday and there’s family over for time together.

After dinner, the kids want to play a game.

I stand up. But then I change my mind and sit down again. I can’t say “No.”

As the game drags on, my whole body is getting limper and limper.

By the time it ends, I’m exhausted. Drag myself up to bed, mentally and physically drained. I pull out my phone and send out texts apologizing for the delay.

I had failed. Or had I?

After all life isn’t just about work and deadlines.

Isn’t it in these moments that we create memories that last a lifetime?

Drifting off to sleep, I think to myself...

"You know, someday, I will look back, and it won’t be the missed deadlines or meetings I remember—it will be the time I spent today with my friend and family."

If it means I get side eyes and grind double tomorrow just to be with my friend and family today- so be it. It's worth the sacrifice.

I finally passed the goal I had for myself to meet by the end of July 2024. I broke the standstill / plateau. I don't know how, I've definitely not been eating right and my mindset hasn't had me being very active. This means, somehow, in thirty days and while eating like a pig I lost seven pounds. I'm intrigued. I usually stay under 1200 (I'm 5' 2") calories a day. I wallk the dog twice a day and walk the kids to the bus stop to ensure I stay at a calorie deficit. Yet, somehow eating like a pig I manage to loose seven pounds. There's so much I don't understand right now.

I'm happy though. I got some clarity this weekend. I feel clear headed. I can't sleep cause a constant soundtrack of thoughts and lyrics that keep playing threw my mind. I'm not anxious though.

I'm 25lbs away from my original goal weight. Once I hit that, I don't know what to do. I'm going to break it up into 10lbs at a time. My reward will probably be a tattoo. Then I need to reevaluate what I want to do, keep working or just focus on staying active with healthy (three balanced meals a day plus snacks) choices.