I feel so alone. I didn’t realise I was this lonely. I have so many people around me and yet no one to call and talk to except my immediate family.

It’s ridiculous how I have no one to speak to when I’m just walking to work or back home from work.

I missed my friends who I used to talk to about my day to day life everyday. They were such sweethearts. I feel so bad losing out on friends who were always there to listen to me and help me through shit.

I feel like an awful person for losing out on precious people in my life. I hurt them really bad, they’re better off without someone idiotic like me.

God.

I just wanted to have a normal conversation today. I didn’t have it with anyone except my family who are great but like I wanna talk about other stuff too that they can’t understand & my boyfriend who doesn’t even bother listening to me.

Sigh. Idk why it’s difficult to make more friends now. I’m just 25.

I’m kinda at a loss for words, there’s a lot going thru my head for it only being 7:15a.
I have therapy tonight and it’s not that I have nothing to say, it’s that I have too much and idk what’s important. am I supposed to ask for perspective on my job life? because that’s my biggest stressor right now.. am I supposed to keep emptying out my closet of secrets and ignore the day-to-day bullshit by just laying the heavy trauma on the table? he never got back to me on the referral to that other therapist so idk how that’s gonna pan out either.
I can’t figure out if my meds are working or not. the best analogy I have is an explosion. the bigger the bomb, the bigger the boom, the bigger the destruction. my bombs went off internally and wound up moving outwards to affect everyone around me. it seems like that isn’t happening as often, outwardly - I’m getting better to others… but the bombs are still blowing off inside of me that same way. it all just seems so condensed.
I’ve been itching to cut myself again - for no fucking reason that I can identify. on the one hand, I found a tactic that works and am using that to abstain but it’s only a matter of time. I know myself. I know how this works - so that might be something to talk about in therapy tonight but idk because speaking about it usually triggers me more. I shouldn’t have even bothered typing this cuz it’s worse now but it’s all about “facing your triggers” or whatever the fuck.

everything just feels jumbled and idk if it’s the moon or my mind or maybe both but Im exhausted and I’m (still) so sick of being me. I’m so tired of struggling to make it thru a day. I’m tired of being jealous of people that can. I’m tired of being sad.

also, it might be the time of the year or it might be something else but I cannot stop thinking about this piece of shit from my past. it’s somewhere between flashbacks and nostalgia. I guess where he is concerned, they go hand in hand. I’m paranoid about it, constantly on guard when I’m out of the house which is SO STUPID but here we are. thanks to you, you son of a bitch, I’m still fucked up because of you. I hate you but I’m still so worried about you.

anyways, that’s enough out of me. I need to go finish getting ready for work. I’m sure I’ll be back again, it’s not gonna be a good day mentally - I can already tell.

So I have been nicotine free for about 10 days, and I have been doing good. But yesterday was really hard for me, not even sure why either.

But I managed to distract myself from actually getting a cigarette and ruining the whole thing. And this isn't a post asking for claps or anything, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why was yesterday bad.

Work was kinda busy, and got me quite stressed out. I picked up this one coworker to drive her to and from work, and she smokes, so her having a cigarette with starbucks as I was driving kind off started the "itch". And then just as the day went by it just kept growing stronger. Twice have I grabbed the keys and opened the garage, just to stop myself before getting in the car. I ended up stuffing my face with food both times.

And on that note I gained about 8lbs since I quit smoking. If this bipolar weather decides to calm down soon, I'll probably have to start running a bit, just to make sure I stay in shape, lol.

That was me bitching about the things no one cares about.

During night:

1. I woke up at 3am seeing rats surrounding me me vividly for the first five seconds of regaining consciousness

2. Suppressing awareness with trauma from childhood being shown vividly with audio x2

During day: Racial abuse Involuntary speech Involuntary spasms Verbal abuse Shame and fear inducing visuals Suppressing external awareness along with traumatic memories False emotions Sensation of bugs crawling all over head Death threats False body pain

END

I’ve been laying in bed for almost an hour because I woke up at 5:15 thinking it was 6:15 and thought I was late. my stomach did the weird thing again last night AND the night before… I had no medicine for it so I had to ride it out. the pain is so bad, I almost pass out. my back locks up for hours afterwards because of how tense the muscles get… and the doctors can’t find anything. I have no idea what caused it but I’ll tell you one thing… I found these “adult lunchables” that I’ve been eating and fell in love with - if that’s the cause, idk what to do about my eating patterns. everything relatively healthy that I find winds up fucking up my gut in one way or another, idk what to do about that. I’ve had that and some fruit all week, why the fuck should my stomach be acting up??

I’m exhausted. I wanna stay home but I have a stupid job to go to. there’s no way I’m gonna function without extra caffeine which I was ALSO trying to avoid.

jesus this week sucks.
I’m done complaining now, sorry guys. I just get so frustrated when everything feels like it’s going wrong when I’m just trying to do the right things for myself. 🙁

til next time.

edited to add: has anyone else had WILD dreams this week? mine are getting progressively weirder… last night I was having a threesome with some girl I had a crush on in high school and her boyfriend (who was just a guy my dream came up with) and then it got interrupted because suddenly there was a huge fire in the house. and for the second time this week, I dreamt I was back at my old job and all the old coworkers I had were avoiding me like the plague. idk it’s just been…. weird.

I am coming to a place of acceptance with myself. Honestly I think that I’m the worst most pathetic person in the world but I’m accepting that I am the way the universe made me.

Sometimes I mourn the things I didn’t get to do like being a teenager, whatever that is. But I also accept that others have had a worse experience and we get what we get in life. I’m handling things as best as I can.

Spending your days escaping is not really healthy and is not really an option for me anymore.so I had to face myself I tried to improve, meditation, motivational speakers,excercise, everything that I could do for myself. It just never sticks.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning because my mood swings like a swing I guess lol. But right now I feel acceptance and gratitude that no one knows what’s going on in my head at the moment.

During night:

1. Heart begins to hurt with each beat.

2. Legs, feet and ankles become cold after talking about current Housing Association moving me to my childhood town (I was subjected to extreme levels of deception and abuse for almost 20 years in that town)

9-10am:

1. Involuntary movement
2. Suppress external awareness with visuals and voices

11 to 12am:

1. Bugs crawling all over scalp and head immediately after homeless application at the library
2. Racial abuse

12-1 pm:

1. Subvocalisations, suppressed awareness and visuals about traumatic events I experienced in a location. This began immediately after I began considering moving there

2. Instructions to not tell anyone about my living situation and that I could be made homeless on Thursday.

3. Instructions to not talk about abuse and bad treatment I have faced from staff members at the various housing associations I have been lived in (trap housing) over the last 3 years.

4. Sensation of bugs crawling all over scalp and face as I try to compete homeless application.

5. Involuntary movement and spasms

6. Visuals of faeces in toilet

7. Voices: “We don’t like u doing this you fcking n***r”

8. “I hope u die c**n”

9. “We used to love killing n****rs like you back in the day”

10. “You are not a martyr. You can’t save yourself or any of these bums.”

11. “You are a slave just like your ancestors. We can even control u n*****r”

12. Traumatic images being shown vividly

4-5pm:

1. Heart beating very hard for no reason.
2. Sudden testicular pain
3. Sensation of bugs crawling all over hair and face

5-6pm:

1. Sensation of bugs crawling on face and hair.
2. Sensation of bugs crawling in throat/mouth
3. Suppressed awareness and visuals with audio (this latest around 10-30 seconds)
4. Sudden pain in lip
5. Pressure in shoulder
6. Insulting voices
7. Ringing in ears

7-8pm

1. My attention being taken away as I was playing piano repeatedly.
2. Involuntary movements as I played the piano
3. Involuntary breathing
4. Racial abuse

8-9pm: Voices “You are living a f*cking nightmare, isn’t that a good way to end this.”

END.

I am open to any questions.

I(21f) don’t really know what to write anymore but I thought I should have an entry, I’m getting fat, Caleb doesn’t like me even with all the effort I put into creating a bond with someone over text,it wasn’t good enough.

My mother and all my family think I’m a retard screw up, and have talked about me and laughed behind my back. I created a facebook at 21y/o in an attempt to be normal, I have zero friends, I made everyone in high school uncomfortable so no point in reaching out.

I’ve been referred to as retarded by many people including my mother. I think I am undiagnosed with adhd or autism. I have social anxiety maybe selective mutism, but where I come from ppl don’t care or recognize those terms.

I used to be jealous of everyone that is normal but at this point I’ll do anything that takes the least effort to achieve peace. I’m no longer sad, I accept my reality. I want tacos, I want to be high, I want to be hugged, I want to experience joy.

I want to go to sleep. I live on an island I will never not run into someone I embarrassed myself in front of. Every time I go outside it reminds me that I don’t belong here. The universe keeps telling me that I should go but I’m procrastinating.

My mother the “closest” irl relationship I have will bitch at me and make me feel small and bad over small things. And will literally list off to me the things that’s wrong with me and what I’m doing wrong.

But will see my struggling, drinking too much, hurting myself and turn her head the complete other way or will still only bitch and yell exactly what’s she thinks is wrong with me into my face. Alone, alone, dying, diffective, no one cares, die already.

I tried really hard today, I did. but I hit a wall, I’m done with this job… I left in such a hurry, I left my entire purse at work, a fucking disaster.
I don’t envy myself having to job hunt in this market, I hate trying to sell myself to employers that I don’t care about… but I’m done.
I feel immensely relieved knowing that. no more back and forth about staying or not, just working until I find something better. a movable ending, but an ending nonetheless.
melatonin to sleep today, starting to feel like I’m crashing. could just be the bad day, we’ll see in the morning.
I’m supposed to be keeping track of these things, it just makes me uncomfortable. idk. anyway, no need to ramble on.
going to bed.

Done my skin routine even less than half-heartedly this time, but i still get the reward of posting here. It is still better than nothing and i believe my face will thank me.

I already have no idea what to talk about with my guys. I can't keep the conversation and a part of me doesn't even want to. Some of them have already dumped me, others still keep texting, but i feel the conversations dying out. Seems like i'm burning out again. I knew i can't do this online meeting thing. Anyway i only need one person in fact, who would be able to talk to me as i am. None of the guys are 100% matches.

One of them has pretty much in common with me, but he also likes some really creepy stuff that i can't bear and it's all over his page. Still he was nice but i think i hurt him with not answering for one day and he gave up on me. Gonna make one last try with him. But it also feels so pointless. I don't think we actually match. I need someone like-minded, with the similar worldview etc.

It's the second time i'm missing a chance with a really nice guy with good taste, love for pets etc. Why? Guess i should meet him in person even if it doesn't work out. It's still good to have new social experience and to meet a good person who we could probably become friends with.

What on earth do i really want from my life? Right now i want work and money. I don't know what i want from a relationship.

I feel really stupid and like an impostor in both job hunting and dating. Posting on here partly to remind myself that i'm a person too.

During night:

1. I woke up twice with my heart rate at approximately 130bpm. My resting heart rate is only 50bpm.

2. Voice-to-skull music being played in my head “Rick Astley - Together Forever”.

3. Insulting voices (likely not due to mental illness, but the use of directional speakers or the microwave auditory effect or something to that equivalent)

4. Heart begins to hurt with each beat.

5. Feet and ankles become numb

9-10am:

1. Once again I wake up with elevated heart rate.

2. Face and head suddenly become very numb + the sensation of bugs crawling all over face.

3. Dull pain in teeth

4. Numbness and bug crawling sensation around chin and face

5. Ringing in ears

6. Suppress external awareness with visuals and voices.

11 to 12am:

1. Sudden ringing in ears
2. Racial abuse

12-1 pm:

1. Heart rate is extremely erratic (100bpm resting- 5 seconds later 80bpm - 5 seconds later 97bpm despite even though I am standing still + my resting heart rate is 45-55bpm)

4-5pm:

1. Involuntary movement repeatedly for 20 minutes.

5-6pm:

1. Sensation of bugs crawling on face and hair.
2. Sensation of bugs crawling in throat/mouth
3. Sharp pain in right eye
4. Dull pain in right ear
5. Sensation of bugs crawling over scalp and face
6. Patronising voices
7. Visual of people that have been abusive to me in the past
8. Involuntary body movement
9. Very elevated heart rate
10. Fluctuating body temperature noticeably beyond what is normal

6-7pm:

1. Racial abuse
2. Involuntary movement
3. Threatening me about leaving the country
4. Sensation of bugs crawling on scalp and face. x3
5. Sharp pain on scalp
6. Threats about recording symptoms
7. More verbal abuse
8. Scenario in head being played out about arguing with someone that is racially abusing me

7-8pm

1. Patronising and sarcastic words
2. Voices (most likely via microwave auditory effect or some equivalent)“You shouldn’t talk about everything” + sudden numb and tingly lips and teeth that lasted for less than 10 seconds.
3. Sudden pain in hip
4. Sudden sensation of bugs crawling all over scalp and face
5. Sudden pain in wrist
6. Sudden pain in throat, right eye and right side of jaw.

8-9pm: 8:13: More bug crawling sensations all over head. This started immediately after I reported my cardiac symptoms to a health service.

8:13 Ringing in ears

8:14 Itchiness on various parts of body

8:14 Sudden existential dread

8:14 Numbness on face.

END.

I am open to any questions.

every Monday morning, I wind up rehashing all of my life choices and trying to figure out where I went wrong. why my life is so drastically different than what I always imagined it would be. my usual list of contributors is:
the men I chose to spend my time and energy on.
my choice to party, drink, get high vs. buckling down and focusing on myself.
my inability to cope with anything that happens to me or around me and the constant running from difficult situations.
getting pregnant too early (see #1).
being too comfortable and/or afraid to make a drastic change now.

all of this leads back to the same thing. you know, I have too many feelings to be in an industry that is so cold and calculated. I think that’s what it boils down to - on top of that, being the middle man in this scenario. imagine a regular customer service position but where the companies you’re contracted with make all the rules and you have to pass it on to someone who doesn’t understand anything at all. and then deal with the financial or emotional fallout with no recourse. all I can do is give bad news.

the shit that I’m good at either isn’t sustainable (income wise) or might be more steady (income wise) but won’t actually pay the bills. it just sucks. and what sucks even more is that I’m relatively good at what I do with the options at hand - the higher ups (2 of them now) keep talking about me being in charge sooner or later and it brings me back to my past job. all the higher ups making promises that I don’t know if I can keep on my end. do I really want this job forever? is there any job that I want forever? that’s the real question… but it’s just unrealistic to imagine it any other way. I don’t have a 6-figure husband to rely on. I have an honest, hardworking guy that does everything he can - it’s just the shit ass economy. the cost of raising kids doesn’t match with even a dual parent income.

I guess the idea of buckling down and succumbing to this being “my place” is too big of a pill to swallow for me right now. that’s the thing - right now, this is not what I want but honestly, I don’t even know the specifics of what I want. I feel like I’m wasting so much time though, waiting for an opportunity to fall into my lap. I gave up on my dreams years ago, it happens to a lot of people, but I just wish I could find a relatively stable and happy backup plan to not getting what I really want.

idk man, I really don’t know.

Aaaaa I love April fools, you get an official pass to make pranks, plus the fact people fall for it while knowing it's April fools is icing on top. Pranked 4 already and plan to prank 3 more, fingers crossed.

Yes, I cherish my inner child and so need to protect him, and my inner child finds happiness in the mundane lame things, I don't wanna be the grumpy old guy never getting excited for shit. Need that golden retriever energy on full power before I start feeling like it's the end of the world over small innocuous things.

Oh well, tomfoolery aside, past week I did increase my productivity, but only marginally. I've suddenly got the urge to start doing exercise and get in peak physical condition(not that I'm doing bad now) but my love for sweets and snacks always holds me back to give it my all. But you know what, screw that, I'll just do what I feel like, and so I'll do exercise and eat a lot, who cares, YOLO.

Feeling serene,

S

Coffee makes my brain go weeeeeeeeeeeee :D

I stayed over at my brother's place, it was really cool, they got two very derpy cats and a frigging AXOLOTL it was wild and awesome.

Yesterday the whole fam came over for Easter, like my parents and my other brother and grandma. It was ok I guess? Not really that much fun, but it could've been a whole lot worse.

They do tend to tell me what to do a lot. And I don't like that. They can be so judgemental. Is that just what families are like? Like why do they want me to act a certain way, or even think a certain way? Why can't I just be myself, why is that not enough?

I do love my mom tho. And my brothers. Bless them.

I was talking with my therapist about that recently. How some of the self-critical thoughts in my head are just things that my parents used to say when I was young. Like how my mom never used to believe in herself and would always put herself down in front of us. Or how my dad just judges every decision that anyone makes, ever. So it helps to know that those thoughts are just other people's opinions, and not some sort of universal truth echoing inside my head.

The only thing that I have never used as a journal prompt before. My relationship with religion.

Religious groups and dogmatic beliefs have been made out of the psychology of institutional mass population behavioral control. Implementation of desired results in social ethics, morals and values with cultural diversity the target of this system of manipulation of our perception and freedoms. They have found a way to make the public more comfortable with their own destruction and enslavement.

The obeying of the law of the contemporary religious community and its governing powers. Will be sure to keep the pressure on the people. All of the psychology and mental abstraction of a beautiful designed and complex human mind with the unique ability of creative purpose will be sure to take a step back from the free thinking process that has been smoked out. By the time he has learned to be a part of the team he has learned to play by the tyrants rules. Bound by stipulations he has learned through the mass invasion of the psychological indoctrination he has easily found his safety in his service to the church.

I was always prone to melancholy, depressive moods and all that stuff, but it's been unbearable these days. I thought and half promised myself that I would never return to this platform, but I guess it was never a promise that I could fulfill... oh well. But I digress.

Things weren't half bad lately. Last month, I found my kindergarten crush that I was never able to hang out or get closer due to being an (literally) autistic child who didn't really know how to talk to his peers (she also wasn't totally "normal", so we just kind of admired each other from afar, believing that the other wasn't really interested in closer contact. We talked a lot right away and within days, were dating already.

A bit too fast, maybe. Turns out that she has developed borderline personality disorder since we last met, and as often is the case with this subset of the population, she wanted a commitment right away, which I accepted because I thought (still think) that I could handle the relationship. I liked her right away, I liked her when we were kids. I actually love her nowadays. So, I kind of stand by my decision.

Fast forward. The relationship started feeling a bit weird around two weeks ago, for some reason. She started feeling a little bit distant, and judging by my last similar relationship, I expected the worst. I still hope I was not right (meaning that I hope she didn't stop liking me but is dragging me along because she just doesn't want to admit it, and two days ago, things fully went to shit when I accidentally sent her a screenshot where I told a friend that I felt sad stumbling over old ex-related media on my old device (I tried to explain that I felt sad because I remembered the ways I got screwed over, which is true tbh), but to no avail. No use when your girl is extra wary and by default hates all your exes and female friends due to a very strong jealous streak, I think. So it's even worse.

Plus, it's Easter, and there is another complicating feature in the whole affair. Her ex was literally rich, and her family kind of dislikes the fact she broke up with him for broke-butt me. Putting it together with how fast the whole process of breaking up with the guy and starting to date me was, it means that her family (over to the house she lives nowadays for the holiday) wouldn't really take kindly to me, so I am not visiting her since Friday. She also broke up with me over the screenshot thing and I don't really know where we stand.

And that's how it all is. I am isolated at home, with a girlfriend that I don't even know if is a girlfriend anymore treating me with cold distance. My mother is also being annoying, trying to discount her problems on me by being bitchy gratuitously. It feels like hell, specially when I am already going through the shit I mentioned before, plus the problems my mother is going through (work related ones, and we do said work together), plus the title of my own post -- "Тоска".

This word is a Russian word that is pretty much untranslatable, but it basically conveys a hollow, sad feeling without any specific cause, a painful longing without any specific object, a pervasive boredom regarding life... which is something I am going through, and hard. Which also brings me to the reason why I am back to Reddit.

So, it's been a while since she's treating my expressions of bad feelings in a dismissive way, and implying that she dislikes my "negativity", as she puts it. Today, I mentioned a negative event in the day, but adding a positive caveat since I am growing wary of her ways... and she just replied "e.e you are always miserable". It was a bit jarring, but I frankly didn't feel it as much as I would think. I'm probably a bit numb at this point.

I isolated myself a little bit, partially because of her intense jealousy, deleting social media and stuff, so, for this and other reasons, I kind of don't really have anyone to open up about this kind of stuff. Well... to be fair, it was not the only reason. The people I used to talk are kind of ignoring me lately, and I absolutely suck at meeting people or interacting on groups (this last one is the worst, I literally get ignored every single time, and it's not even an exaggeration). The few people who still talk to me regularly, I don't want to put off with my negativity. The friend I talked to the most and the person that I believe is able to understand me the most is going through some stuff and we have not been talking much. So, I am turning to write alone. I probably could just do so in a text document in my computer, but... well, as silly as it sounds, I hope to be understood. So I am throwing this on Reddit.

Anyway. I've ran out of things to say.

​

Done my night routine. Today was full of anxiety but it got better in the evening. I made a post in a dating group and a few guys texted me in reply. So i was texting with them all day. Thankfully it was less scary than i'd feared but i still feel uneasy.

I realized that avoidance makes me anxious. When I answer the messages instead of avoiding it, i feel less anxious.

My goal is to not ghost anyone like i did before. Nothing more. Keep talking at a comfortable pace. I'm afraid of burning out as it happened before. Need to find ways to cope with my anxiety and not procrastinate with answering texts as it only increases the anxiety.

In fact I'm still scared. Okay, this entire entry is about me being scared, nothing else. I want to get more used to feeling anxiety as well as other things and not trying to quit as soon as possible, but rather sitting with it, building more tolerance.

Been thinking about losing weight, but the problem is eating is my way of coping. I need to find new ways and try and make them a habit.

Not just quit a habit, but rather - replace.

My plan for the next week. 3 (4) active days (going out of home). 4 (3) home days.

I’ve (21f) been spending more time on TikTok, before I wasn’t mentally capable of doing it but I’m back on. I just have to limit the kind of videos I watch and stop when my brain feels like it’s getting overloaded.

I just had the thought that if I could afford to get a therapists I would definitely be diagnosed with something or maybe they would tell me that everything’s normal I’m just defective or something, that’s why things are so hard for me.

I feel like I’ve been in a daze lately, like things aren’t affecting me the way they were before like when I couldn’t go on TikTok or YouTube or do the things that would distract me from how lost and inadequate I feel in this life without mentally crumbling.

That was horrible for me I would wake up everyday in mental pain and I couldn’t make it go away. Like someone was stabbing me in the head with a blade 24/7 but it was just my thoughts. Its was so dark and I can’t go back, this feels like the calm before the storm.

I feel like someone can only go there so many times before they start hurting other people or themselves and I can’t hurt other people. I direct my frustration at myself, like when my mom would piss me off so bad that I would go and hit myself until I got bruises. Having a nervous breakdown doesn’t seem cute and I don’t want to go back to it being a battlefield in my head. So my options are limited.

6-7am:

1. Sudden nausea and dizziness
2. False heart attack.

7-9am: Constant suggestions to do things other than work

12-1 pm:

1. Racial abuse
2. False internal monologue

1-2 pm:

1. Suppressed awareness when attempting to reply to comment about my log on r/TargetedSolutions + involuntary subvocalisation

2. Involuntary emotions, speech and facial expressions

3. Involuntary speech x2

4. Visuals and voices of myself in stressful scenarios (speaking to police officer about harassment while the officer disagrees)

5. Visuals and voices of myself in shameful scenarios (my future plans going wrong)

6. Racial abuse

7. Abusive voices

8. More suppressed awareness

9. Sensation of bugs crawling on scalp and head

10. Past trauma relating to sport

11. Heart is beating very hard despite my resting position.

12. Racist death threats (If you try and get help we are going to fcking kill you n***r)

13. Voices (most likely via microwave auditory effect or some equivalent) asking whether they can just say helpful things rather than abusive things.

14. Numbness along left side of face (common false stroke symptoms they give me to increase stress)

2-3 pm:

1. Numbness in teeth and gums

2.Repeated involuntary body movement 3. Fake internal monologue 4. Involuntary emotions, speech and facial expressions x4 5. Influencing digestive system and bowel.

3-4pm:

1. severe tooth pain after I decided to do intermittent fasting to improve health after it was recommended to me.

4-5 pm:

1. False internal monologue
2. Images of person(s) that have been involved with my harassment and abuse.
3. Voice saying what I am going to write just before I write it
4. Many instances of racial abuse
5. Involuntary sub vocalisations, body movement and voice control

4-5pm:

1. Fast muscular contraction of my chest around heart area to mimic heart attack/cardiac arrest
2. Very noticeable temperature drop around jaw and chin.
3. Racial abuse (n****r)

5-6pm:

1. Involuntary movement of hand

2. Threats and warnings: “you have been very naughty recently (in reference to these logs) More naughty than you’ve been in the past three months”.

“We have you in our sights”. (this was said to me in conjunction with an image of myself from a birds eye view)

3. Intense pins and needles around mouth. This is likely in relation to my plans of intermittent fasting to sort out problems with my digestive system that were caused by the invasive manipulation of my nervous system.

6-7pm:

1. Sudden dizziness and breathlessness for no reason
2. Many instances of the sensation of bugs crawling all over scalp and face
3. Involuntary whispering
4. Racial abuse as I was writing 3 “You fcking n***r”.
5. As I was writing 4 I experienced involuntary swallowing
6. Sharp lower body pain (it feels like being shot with a invisible bullet)
7. Suppressed awareness and visuals with involuntary subvocalisation.

8-9pm:

1. Sensation of ants crawling in hair
2. Death threats

END

I am open to any questions.

Just did the teeth and skin routine. Mostly according to the principle "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly".

I'm not looking forward to texting with strangers tomorrow, but i'll have to because of my own choice. Please wish me luck as absolutely hate texting with strangers and i don't know how to do it.

Today was better than yesterday though i was drowning in guilt, hurt and thoughts about how unbelievably stupid and insensitive i'd been with many people in many ways.

And i feel rather helpless as i'm still the same person with low whatever you call it - empathy? emotional intelligence? Must be weak empathy and really slow processing of interactions with people and many other things. I'm too insensitive and uncaring about others. That's my conclusion today. Avoidant too. Avoiding due to fear that i'm not trained to face.

I'm tired of being fucking awkward and hating myself and my awkwardness, always feeling guilty for it. I'm just tired of constantly feeling guilty and hating myself. Wish i didn't have to.

During night:

1. I awoke moving without consent with heart attack symptoms most likely caused by EMFs directed towards receiver in my brain or directed to an area of my brain.

This was another of many heart attack/stroke scares.

7-8am:

1. Inability to get out of bed without consent
2. limited external awareness
3. visuals and voices in head using microwave auditory effect or some equivalent.
4. Racial abuse using MAE

8-9am:

1. Shame or fear inducing visuals and voices during wim hoff breathing

2. Visuals of myself naked doing an ice bath a few days earlier to creating shame as a deterrence to me doing more ice baths.

3. More visuals as I was doing my daily ice bath

4. Racial abuse

1-2 pm:

1. Extremely intense sensations of bugs crawling all over head and face as I was typing all of the prior text (as of 1:55).

I cannot understate how bad this feels right now.

2-3 pm:

1. Racial abuse (n word, c**n)

2. Death threats (we will kill, you are gonna die by this date, using things I have seen in YouTube videos to support what they are saying)

3. Pain in throat and feeling of bugs crawling in throat

4. Pain in chin

5. Traumatic memories of childhood

4-5 pm:

1. Feeling of bugs crawling all over scalp
2. Temperature fluctuations of my abdomen along with death threats

7-8pm:

1. more temperature fluctuations of abdomen
2. Feeling of bugs crawling all over scalp and feet
3. Racial abuse
4. Sexual assault threats
5. Death threats

8-9pm:

1. Extremely intense feeling of bugs crawling all over scalp
2. I have tried to open a Shopify store for the last two months and I’ve had my external awareness suppressed repeatedly which stops me from getting anything done.
3. As I wrote number two, I began to hear ringing in my left ear.
4. As I began to write number three I began to hear threatening words most likely caused by via MAE (microwave auditory effect) or some equivalent.
5. As I began to write number 4, I began experiencing vertigo, nausea, more intense ringing in ears (both ears now), pain and numbness and teeth, pain in gums, crawling sensation in throat, pain in jaw, existential dread, death threats via MAE, problems swallowing and crawling sensation over my entire head, face and neck.
6. As I began writing five I saw visuals of hornets.
7. As I started writing six I felt pressure on either side on my head
8. As I started writing 7 I felt chest pressure around heart and a dip in external awareness
9. Pressure in gums that stayed for a couple of seconds
10. Racial abuse

9-10:

1. Signs of natural physical changes to my testes right after finishing another addition to the log
2. Abrupt testicular pain, likely a deterrence.
3. Pain on tongue
4. Death threats “lose lips sink ships. We just might sink your ship”
5. Racial abuse about my lips
6. More racial abuse

10-11pm:

1. Voices saying, “We fucked with your testes to stop you from being ballsy”. Most likely MAE or some equivalent.
2. Racial abuse

END.

I would like to add something here for context.

The symptoms are supposed to be similar to psychosis or schizophrenia so that my claims about these happenings can be discredited as mental illness and I can continue to be harassed without possibility of the truth being known.

The things that I have talked about above are purely the things that I believe are caused by electronic harassment. This does not include the harassment directly experience from other people everyday emotionally, financially, verbally and physically.

Also any problems with my spelling is because I’m using voice to text to record these things because that is far more convenient than typing.

I am open to any questions.

13, one of my favorite numbers... also, can 1/4 of the year possibly be over?

I decided i'd post here daily right after doing my night skin and teeth routine, so that i can be consistent with the latter. Today was nothing i can be proud of, but hopefully even bad days can bring good ideas.

It's all about putting your eggs in various baskets. Increasing the number and working on the quality of those baskets. My night med is kicking in so i'm suddenly short of thoughts.

Spending a day in another place made me appreciate my home more, especially my working space. On the bright side of today, i had a doctor's appointment about my foot pain.

This week's meme was "local man cannot can". This week's cry was "why can't i have a job". Not well paid or anything. Just a job, you know.

I also realized the problem with me being single isn't really about not being able to find a boyfriend, but rather not really wanting to get to know guys. i really don't know what to do with a boyfriend if i suddenly happen to have one. Like, what do i need him for, why should i communicate? I can't imagine a man who i'd want to talk about my life with. Or share it with. Seems like i mostly like guys from a distance.

It's a really sad thought. One part of it is that i must prefer women. The other part is a psychological problem that stems from family issues. It's a work that has to be done if i want to change things.

I decided not to go to work today. I woke up and just said no. Truthfully, I wasn't feeling well, but now I feel guilty that I didn't go. I did tell my superiors, of course, but it still doesn't make me feel any less guilty. Guilty of what, exactly? We had a procedure I was supposed to be the lead on. It's nothing scientifically complicated at all, but I prefer to keep things as consistent as possible. With many of the experiments we've been performing in the lab, timing is key. It's not everything, but it is certainly key. And now I'll have to wait until next week. I just hope my direct manager isn't too upset.

I am here once again to vent haha.

I went out for a great tennis session. Played well. I’m perpetually grounded cause of my shenanigans last weekend.

I’m 25. How are these people still grounding me???? 😭😭😭😭

I got back home. And I’m famished. I’m hungry af rn. I went for tennis without eating anything. Just had black coffee and a banana. But then again that’s good enough for dinner for one night.

But man, my folks don’t give a fuck about whether I have eaten or not anymore. They don’t care if I’m starving or eating too unhealthy. They stopped giving a fuck. It hurts so much.

My friends’ parents are always on their asses about lunch and dinner and whether they have eaten or not, they’ll go out of their way and make milkshakes for them. But my folks? Idk. I think they would be better off without me.

Heck, I don’t know a single person who is even concerned about whether I’m living or dying or in pain right now. They just want what they want from me and that’s about it. They just go on about their days.

I don’t even feel worthy to be like a speck of dust in this vast universe. I’m nothing, just so invisible, under appreciated. And what’s worse is nobody even wants to understand me, nobody wants to hear me out ever. Nobody wants to care about what I have to say ever.

And it’s just always me being a good daughter, a good friend, a good listener, a giver, a person who’ll accompany them no matter what priority they give me- they’d call other people and call me in the end.

I don’t understand why I’m being treated that way. I don’t get it. Am I not a nice person? Am I too selfish for people to not give me priority anymore or for people to not take an effort to understand what I have to say or for people to not listen to me?

I don’t know. It’s quite sad.

Once again, I am a very happy person and i’m just writing this because idk I’m going through emotions cause of the hormones or idk what. I’m on my period, so probably that’s why.

I was wondering why I haven’t cried yet and then the tears started rolling down thinking about all this whack shit.

I guess I’m just disrespected everywhere. I’ll just have to live with the fact nobody really likes me or appreciates me or whatever I have to say.

Anyway goodnight. 5 more years to go.

I(21f) wake up feeling like what I think a 70 year old wakes up feeling like. I’ve literally felt myself sink deeper into sadness. You don’t realize how light u used to wake up feeling until it starts getting heavy.

That feeling when you’re half asleep and those sleep hormones are making u feel peaceful is better than being fully awake. Because Now as soon as my eyes are open, my brain is on and I’m hurled back into whatever the hell my life is and it’s like a train hit me.

I’ve been learning alot of life lessons all by myself despite not having many experiences. I learned that no one has to care, the thoughts I have are scary, the loneliness I feel is intense but no one has to care or save me from these feelings. In the world you’re out there on your own and even though I may not be financially independent and living at home I’m emotionally independent supporting myself all alone that way.

Last week despite my tendency to procrastinate I set a date and said I would free myself from this life on that day and I didn’t even try. I have to try, I have to try, I have to try. God please give me the strength to try.

I wasn't going to post anything until I hit a week of no smoking, but today is day 5.

And it's the first day where I'm feeling antsy, I woke up with a headache, and I think it's going to be a challenge to get thru the day without giving in. But I won't, because the previous couple of days have been OK, and I wasn't struggling, not nearly as much as I expected.

Also things taste so much better now. I was kinda pleasantly surprised with that one.

no title cuz it’s 6am and idk why I’m even here rambling away again. I guess my toxic trait is my ability to complain about e v e r y t h i n g.

idk it feels like in the last 4 years, I made strides to change, I accomplished some goals but others, I’ve failed miserably at. I got a lot done in that time but also let a lot of other things slip and fall to the sidelines. maybe I’m being too hard on myself, that’s what everyone will say to me, but I don’t think that’s the case. I know I can do better, I just don’t feel like I’m in the right position to do better… I don’t have the tools. being sick with a family to take care of sucks… there’s only so much focus and energy I can put into myself on a day to day basis when there’s a job to go to, kids to raise, a household to manage, blah blah. and I’m not trying to blame anyone or say that it’s the sole reason I’m not “cured”, that’s nonsense, but… it does play a big part in it.

there’s a lot of things that I feel are right beneath the surface now. the same things I spent years burying… it’s a good thing they’re coming up/out - it’s what’s gonna make me ‘better’, but the guilt is something I never imagined being so heavy and paralyzing. if I’m not mistaken here, 4 years ago (tomorrow) was when I literally starting burning my own world to the ground. really only took another 6-7 months to fall apart completely, an entire breakdown of sorts. part of me thinks I’m weak for not being able to fix anything, the other part of me knows that’s not true because I’m still alive and still actively trying to figure it out. I haven’t completely given up yet.

usually around the end of March, I get antsy because it’s where the whole 3rd act started. I’ve been self destructive since I was 13, but honestly, March of 2020 was what sealed my fate. the 7 months that followed ended in the worst mental state I’ve ever been in… and I did it to myself. I’m struggling a lot with the concept of feeling guilty about it. I feel guilty for the pain I caused others.. but that entire scenario broke me. do I even have a right to feel upset or bad or “traumatized” by what happened in that time knowing I caused it all? do I have a right to be upset with how I feel knowing how much heartache I caused to the person closest to me? how much of their trust I broke? how much of their self esteem I crushed? how can I focus on healing myself when I don’t deserve that? a true double edged sword if I’ve ever encountered one.

regardless, it’s Friday - my workload should be light today because I busted my ass yesterday and hopefully the day will pass smoothly and I can even leave early… shooting for 12p but would be happy with 2p, we’ll see what happens I guess.

I also forgot all about my kids Easter baskets so I’m gonna have to run out for that shit too. I’m the worst dude, oh man.
I hope everyone has a good holiday this weekend, reading thru some of these posts- looks like some of you could use it. sending all my love to those out there struggling right now. 🖤

I titled this post False Advertisement purposefully. I want it to be clear for everyone what's the topic and that's the lackluster selection of counterparts. Now I can't speak for everyone else but I can speak for myself unapologetically. What I have to say is that "My Mother and All the random Women who spoke the same nonsense regarding relationships. Now as a young boy raised by a mother in a single parent household I was already dealing with a lot of situations. I had to find out every answer to any question I had If I asked my mother directly it could all end badly. I was told to be a good boy and a good son and you will find the love of your life. In the same breath she would tell my sister that she shouldn't settle! My mother was also a shut in didn't go anywhere or do anything adventurous or exciting. She would always tell me not to let the streets take me, she didn't have to worry about that I never really wanted to be a guy on the block though I often hung out with them. As I got older, I came to know that those type of guys are what my mother really liked. Once again, I had to acknowledge that my mother was unfit to really be a mother. She was just a young girl who got pregnant by a poor partner choice. If someone proves themselves unable to think critically how can I take at face value anytime I was punished when I shouldn't have been.

12-1 am:

1. “Body swapping” via emf and invasive electrodes in brain.

2. Body harm in my sleep (deep + very painful bite mark on finger. Most likely done using 1 as this happened during my sleep.)

3. Elevated and very strong heart rate when I woke up. My heart rate had no correlation with my physical activity level and was most likely above 100bpm at peak.

4. Body moving without me intending to e.g getting out of bed and running when these cardiac symptoms appear.

6-7am:

1. Physically suppressing me from getting out of bed with movements that I did not intend to make and limiting my self awareness.
2. Accelerated heart rate that began dropping very quickly after I started measuring it.

It went from just over 100bpm to 74bpm in around 10 seconds, then 74bpm to 61bpm on my next reading. Your heart rate when you are waking up should be lower than you resting HR.

My resting heart rate is 45-55bpm yet I am waking up with a heart rate that’s nearly double that.

8-9 am:

1. Feeling bugs crawling all over head and face as I begun writing the 6am-7am part
2. Facial expressions that I did not intend to make
3. Music being played vividly in my head

9-10 am:

1. Suppressing external awareness and hearing loud and vivid music with visuals as for approx 30 seconds - 2 mins

2. More of the above without as much external awareness suppression.

3. Same as above with physical sensation, facial expression sans intention and changes in breathing that line up with the visuals.

4. More of the above x 6

10-11 am:

1. Racial abuse (most likely microwave auditory effect to my understanding)
2. Creating sensation of ants crawling on body
3. Suppressing/enhancing feeling of needing to go to toilet
4. Tooth pain
5. Profound decrease in temperature of fingers which started when filling out a homeless application form
6. Death threats

11-12 pm:

1. Racial abuse

1-2 pm:

1. Decreased external awareness and visuals for 6 minutes which began when I started watching a video on martial arts.

4-5 pm:

Sensation of ants crawling on body

5-6 pm:

1. Racial abuse x 7
2. Burning sensation on face

7-8 pm:

1. Limited awareness and inability to get up
2. Auditory microwave effect (or some other similar thing) giving harassers the platform to threaten and insult me
3. Feeling of bugs crawling over head and face

8-9 pm:

1. Visuals of traumatic events

9-10 pm:

1. body pain

10-11pm:

1. More Racial abuse.

I expect this to continue, however it is best for me to sleep rather than to continue to document these things.

What a month! What a week! Work has been really intense lately, with two deals in the pipeline, but I'm hoping to be able to get away tonight to be at Opening Day with Daddy dearest. We don't do much together, but we do have this. Looking forward to being judged, scolded, chided and harangued all evening. It's going to be fun!