this is me explaining the details of a murky situation, and how my fawn response makes it hard to deal with issues of consent. please do not read if you think it will negatively impact you! your wellbeing is important

———

i remember laying on my friend’s bed. we had agreed to platonic, non-sexual physical affection — like laying my back on his chest while watching TV

one night i had been drinking (not a lot) and he started to touch my chest without asking; he just started to slide his hand down my shirt. we were in his room. i remember feeling uncomfortable, but my memory starts blanking shortly after. i don’t know how sex was initiated. by this point i was mentally checked out. any movement i made felt controlled by something outside of myself. i know that probably sounds like BS, but it genuinely felt like i was out of my own body

i cant remember how long it lasted. i just emember it being very aggressive. at one point i looked at myself in the mirror and it was like i was looking at myself through a camera, not my own eyes. i’ve been in situations where when someone initiates sex i just shut down and start playing the role of a “sexy” person who is into it. my previous attempts at “no” with my abuser were never respected, so i think i eventually just gave up

i did eventually, and abruptly, tell him to stop. he did, but he asked if i could at least “help him finish” which made me start crying. i remember trying to explain why i was crying but i don’t know what i said. next thing i remember is him driving me home

i have a snap saved where i recorded the hickeys and scratches he left all over me, with a caption that said i asked for no hickeys. after being abused, i used to save videos like that (or snaps i sent out) because my abuser would lie so often that i felt i needed to prove things to myself.

i have NO memory of telling him no hickeys, but i had no reason to lie to myself. and when i got home all i wanted to do was shower and scrub off the markings, but i obviously couldn’t.

i tried hanging out with him again one more time but felt deeply resentful and nervous around him. when i asked for space he seemed genuinely confused, and i don’t think he ever followed up with questions after we had sex

——

this was 3 years ago and it still deeply bothers me. i don’t think he had bad intentions, but i also can’t remember most of the night. it sucks having ptsd, because i don’t know if i zoned out because it was triggering, or if it was a genuinely distressing moment. he knew about my history of abuse and SA, so it felt like even more of a betrayal. it felt immature at best, and opportunistic. icky, but i don’t know if it was SA.

i’ve since been with a man who always asks, point blank, if i want to have sex. he was SAd as a kid, so we are extra careful to communicate well. i don’t know if it’s an age thing, but he makes it seem so easy to consent during sex. anything rougher than usual is followed with asking if i am ok. and i often cry when we are done, but not out of fear

i just wish i didn’t react by fawning. i wish i would push people off and say no. or, if i say no, actually remember it.

tldr: memory is shit, i don’t fight back, and sexual intimacy is hard

I'm so ashamed of how I act when someone is abusing me. Especially romantic relationships and men, I have literally gotten down on my hands and knees and begged toxic abusive men to love me, begged them not to leave. I beg and plead for them to show me even a small breadcrumb of caring. I feel so disgusting, like trash, for being so messed up in my own mind that I beg abusers not to leave me. When I have been hit, I have even basically told the abuser to keep hitting me, like it triggers a self destruction switch in my mind and I'm like, just beat me until I die, I deserve it. I hate myself for being so broken inside, I feel so ashamed for how I act.

My abandonment wound is my worst of all. I didn't fully grasp the severity of its effect on my life until a year ago. I'm still very much practicing feeling my feelings instead of shoving them down at whatever cost, including the harm of my cherished relationships.

IF YOU JUST WANT TO GET TO THE QUESTION, SCROLL TO THE NEXT BOLD LINE. TLDR AT BOTTOM

Right now, my partner and I are having real trouble in our marriage. We both want to make it work, but divorce was forced to be recognized as a possibility. We're terribly in love & terribly stubborn - I think that's what carried us this far.

For my part, saving my relationship looks like reform. I need to stop putting his dreams ontheback burner, to avoid confronting my fear. It almost ruined everything - it still might.

But here's my core problem I need help with: Even though it's reasonable, even though I get his POV, even though I feel like I would deserve it, just the fact that divorce is ON the table is making my abandonment wound go so crazy that it takes all of my learned tools to just manage it in an emotionally mature way. It takes so much effort, that it's making it hard to focus on all the learning I need to do, AND it makes it NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to sit in with my husband and have the hard, raw talks we need to have if we have any chance of fixing this. I try my best to remain composed, but always end up eventually crumbling into wracking sobs and often having a panic attack. Sometimes I even end up getting sick. Like I'm fucking distraught at the fact he might leave me, and it hurts so much to talk about that I can't stand it for very long.

It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. We both deserve to be able to make this important decision with a series of clear, composed talks. I need to be able to remain mostly in control of myself at these important times, so I can have a clear head and make the decisions that are actually most reflective of my intentions, needs, feelings, and limitations.

What more can I do? I do novice EFT, intermediate mindful guided meditation, daily journalling, daily Self Neutrality practice, and I've only just gotten introduced to the concept of healing your inner child with reparenting.

TLDR: might be getting unwanted divorce. Abandonment wound is effecting me so severely that I'm having trouble showing up for my spouse while we try to sort this out. What do, please?

I am almost burnt out after a week of moving followed by a LOT of social interaction with my wife and I having a vow renewal followed by a party with everyone at my uncle's house after. Spent the whole day with her in-laws yesterday and then whole day today with them again and also MY family. I've been experiencing pretty bad insomnia with the stress of the move and anticipating mainly the party after the service. I had a hard time even waking up this morning but I knew it was important and forced myself to go.

Didn't start having a panic attack until we were in the car to head home. Started out as any other one would, a dark spiral. Was kind of ruminating over making the wrong impression due to the increasing inability for me to mask my neurodiversity since starting the process of unmasking, which immediately turned to past memories, only this time instead of keeping down a path of despair, something clicked. More like a domino effect of quick succession clicks. Revalations regarding self blame. Felt like a heavy weight lifted.

The out of the blue-ness if this is intriguing the HELL outta me. You know what's weird? I've already had loads of revelations about self-blame. There are definitely a ton of layers to it. Every time I have a revelation I think I TRULY believe it, later to find out I didn't.

Also had a realization today that dissociation went WAY deeper than I realized. It isn't just not feeling anything and being blah. I think my whole personality might have been fractured at some point. It's why I seem to be working with two mindsets that often conflict. In the past when things were real real bad I often felt like the real me was trapped in a completely different person that was careless because nothing mattered. I don't TRULY have DID but I think I could have given the right circumstances. I got damn lucky.

Mine was behind the sofa, would hide there and play my games. Dont know why I liked tight enclosed spaces but I did.

Family never questioned it let me do my thing. Glad they did

Here’s the list:

• Therapy (Counseling)
• Medications
• NA (Narcotics Anonymous)
• Church (Yes, I’m a Christian)
• Community
• Talk with friends on phone
• Psychiatrist
• Neurologist (I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis)
• Books (Reading)

I mean the list can go on…

I was talking to a friend today about life, and….

I’ve literally done everything I can (of course not everything), but you get the point. Every preliminary thing I could have done to, for example: fix my nerve complications with MS (neurologist), fix my ADHD (medications), fix my depression (therapy and psychiatry), fix my childhood trauma (therapy), I mean, I think you can get the point by now. Plus, I’ve read many articles and books on suffering, how it connects to Christ, the whole 9 yards as far as Christianity goes. I also read the Bible daily. And I try to walk by faith, but man oh man….

When things just done get better. And then you have to learn things like “acceptance”, and meditation, or whatever else other “positive” thing there is out there to help to alleviate the pain. I mean…I gets annoying! Frustrating. Wearisome. All I can do some days is just pray, and maybe not some days, but, simultaneously just try to cling to my higher power in which I call God (Christ Jesus), and…just go from there.

I’ve had relapses after 1 year and 3 months off weed. I’ve tried to work the program of NA. Had sponsor issues. I mean…the list goes on guys.

I’m speechless. I’m tired. And yea….

That’s about it (besides all the other things I’m leaving out but could also add in). Life is complicated. Life is a mess. It’s annoying. It’s causing me to become bitter and SUPER angry. My anger has gone WAY up more recently. And I’m only (28)(Male).

I’m speechless guys….

Put me in the right social situation and I start healing automatically.

I need friendly banter in a group. I need to feed on the energy of the room. I need to be able to warble back and forth, so that if I run out of ideas I can just listen to other people talk for a bit, and then a minute later if I'm feeling better I can jump in again.

I need a certain kind of energy. Polite small talk doesn't do anything for me. I need people talking about their interests, and I need to have something in common with them.

And I need this to be really accessible. Like it's happening every day, or every week at least, and I can just show up and not think much about it.

Give me all that, and I start to come alive again.

But in cases where I don't already have this, I have no idea how to get it!

My thoughts quickly collapse. I can't make plans. I don't know where to go or who to talk to. I don't know if it would be worth my energy to try X, Y, or Z. When I try to force myself I tend to flail around.

I attend some meetup where the energy isn't right. Or I find a good meetup but they only meet once a month and by the time the next one rolls around I've completely forgotten that the group exists or else I'm too scared to join in again because maybe it'll be awkward and draining for some reason. Or I go to a place (maybe a convention) but I find that it's "too public", as in I don't know anyone here and I don't know what the protocol is for meeting people and/or I don't have enough confidence to try it out. Or I give someone my contact info and then I never hear from them ever again. Even online spaces are weirdly difficult to navigate.

And maybe, if I want to connect with people, I should watch some new show that looks interesting or listen to the latest music or something, so we'll have that to talk about. But I lose these concepts completely once I get isolated.

Once I've lost the friendly crowd, I really don't know how to get back to it. It's mostly a matter of surviving long enough to hope that someday I'll randomly find another crowd like that.

It's a terrible disability, and therapists don't have a good answer for it. They don't know where my crowd is either.

I can't move from a cold start. =(

Trigger Warning: Graphic SA account

First post. Not sure what to say or put, but my wife and I need help.

My 6 year old daughter told us extremely recently that her grandfather (my father) molested her while she was over his house. Her grandmother was in the shower and my daughter was using a separate bathroom. He came in and put his hands down the front of her pants.

My daughter did not tell us this for several months and cannot recall that exact date it happened. She told us she was scared she would get in trouble. She has told us her story three times over the last two days and the details have remained consistent. For the past couple of months, my parents have offered for her to sleep over and she has made excuses to not do it..now we know why. I am grateful we did not force her to go.

My heart is broken and I want this to be a dream. However, I believe my daughter’s account even though I don’t want to. My dad and I have been close over the years and I never saw him fitting to commit such a terrible things. He has helped my family out in countless ways over the years, and the memories that I have are now seen through the lenses of his actions. I will defend my innocent daughter to the fullest, but it does not change the numbness I feel inside.

I have a sibling that is living with my dad who is in and out of rehab for drugs. My Mom has depression and a generative disease on top of this. If/when they were to find out, I know it will change things forever for them too.

We have notified my daughter’s pediatrician who in turn notified DHS. We have also notified my daughter’s school authorities to help support her on that front. We have not confronted my dad or told any one in the family.

I am confused on what we should do and where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

TW: cyberbullying, addictive substances and domestic abuse mentioned lower.

It’s just some sort of weird discomfort - like I don’t want to see myself. Why does this happen? Does anyone have tips on how to make it stop? I want to accept myself but the thought of actually doing this makes me feel icky, and like I’m weak.

In order to better myself I need to reflect on my goals and missions in life, but I get stuck and drop everything, because ew.

I have been severely physically abused and neglected by my addict mother in my childhood until 14 y.o. I run away from her - and after that father got me a nanny/guardian/teacher, since he had financial possibilities to do that, even though he met me like 1-2 times a month. We didn’t have a lot of emotional connection. Basically emotionally grew myself up. Got severely cyberbullied by something-like-4chan when I was 16 for being “an sjw” and trans.

Beside all of this I’m doing kind of good now - loving partner, good job, food and shelter, even doing some art. But this thing with emotions bugs me. How do you deal with this? Does anyone have any advice?

https://youtu.be/lOeQUwdAjE0?si=do-9fjnwmcBL0v40

Hello. I'm looking for someone with CPTSD in St. Louis to get together once a week for processing, support, and friendship.

I was tortured (physically with sadistic mental abuse) for 13 years by my adopted stepfather. I overcame this and went on to run an incredibly successful nonprofit that fought human trafficking, modern slavery, and statelessness in Southeast Asia for 10 years and then served as a foster parent for another 8 years, but relapsed, fell apart and became sucidal. After a serious attempt where I woke up in a hospital, my partner of 17 years left me and 2 months later, I was homeless.

Now: I've recently moved to St. Louis and I'm getting back up. I don't have any friends or family though and this makes my recovery all the more difficult. If you're interested in connecting, please reach out.

Thank you for reading this. Cheers!

I think I was in a trauma bond, we've been arguing so much and now I feel so bad about him deciding he wants us to break up, because we're bad for each other. I desperately need someone confidential and who is a stranger to talk to.

I’ve always been a very work oriented person because my family is clearly a lost cause & my avoidant attachment is too strong for me to have close friendships or a romantic relationship. I’ve always lived with the belief that work was the only thing I had going for me.

A year ago, I graduated college and got my dream corporate job at the time - directly related to my major, hybrid, pays pretty well, lots of development opportunities, a large company that leaves people impressed when I tell them what I do.

Well things got repetitive after the first couple months and I don’t feel like the work I do makes any impact at all. I’m generally disgusted by society and feel disgusted that im helping billionaire-run companies stay rich. The only challenge I feel is dealing with peoples BS & corporate culture. Idk why you need to go to college to get these corporate jobs because there’s NO advanced knowledge or critical thinking involved. The overall corporate culture of being disposable & not being allowed to have a voice is also quite triggering.

If you’re happy with your job, I’d love to know what it is & why because the idea of doing this every day until I’m sixty sth is terrifying

I don't even know how to explain this, but has anyone else ever became 100% convinced a current person was a past abuser? Like gotten so triggered they had a paranoid break with reality for long stretches of time?? I know about emotional flashbacks and I definitely have had my share of them, but this was on a whole new level. If so, what have you done to get out of it or prevent it from happening again in the future?

I was born and grew up in Vietnam. My father was tortured and jailed after the Vietnam War ended. He himself had PTSD and just got drunk everyday. He was very violent when he drunk, often beat me up everyday. My mother has mental illness herself and never around.I have an older sister and a younger brother, my grandparents took them in to live with them but refused to have me tehys ais they couldn't afford to feed another mouth. So i stuck with my alcoholic father and endured all the physical abuse mentally abuse. I lived on the street since I was 6 years old , often begged for food to get by. When i was 9 years old, my father took me to a prostitude parlor and left me there to exchange for some cash to buy alcohol.I grew up with older girls who groomed to be prostitue. The madam who owns the place told me I'm so homely looking she doenst know what to do with me she kept me in the back to handwash all the clothes of the working girls.I endured many trauma in my life,one after another . When i was 18 years old I went to the capital city to work and lived there . My younger brother was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 13 and no money for him to do chemotherapy. One day I went to the hospital to sell my plasma so I could have some money to send to my hometown and I ran into my ex husband. He from Canada and that fateful date turned my life completely. I was from a dysfunctional family no parents around neglected and abused my whole life, no parents no guidance and now I met someone who came from a loving well to do family. 6 months after we met , his parents and 5 sister all came to vietnam for out wedding. It took another 6 months for him to sponsor me to Canada. My ex gave me lots of money to send to Vietnam to help my family. The first 10 years I was living in Canada I just went to school to learn English and then came home doing chores around house. I didn't have any kid and still today I'm childless. It because of so.many trauma I endured when I was young made me don't wnat to put another human being to go through what I been through. I been married for 20 years..then one day my ex told me he will move out to live by himself that we not compatible anymore. He agreed to let me stay in the house . One day I was cleaning and found a whole bunch of papers I then understood what happened. My ex went to vietnam for a trip 8 years ago, I didn't go with him because Vietnam reminded me of my painful childhood and so many sad memories. When he went there he met a 21 years old girl and he helped get her to Canada under student visa. So he moved out to live with her bc she got accepted visa to come to Canada as a student with his funding.

I'm sorry it's a long story but every Sunday evening I'm so sad, I feel so empty and have excruciating mental pain. I often thought of all the damages my parents caused me, they never loved me just took from me since i was a kid living in vietnam begging strangers for food and money. When I came to Canada I sent them 1000 a month everey month for 18 years straight yet I never good enough for them. They always favor my older sister took my money to give to my sister for years. They are so ungrateful of what I had done for them.

I got diagnosed with cptsd by 3 shrinks in my city the day my ex left me..they said I went through so much trauma and losses in my life. I been in talk therapy the last 8 years and I don't know it helped me..I still have so much pain when I see other people who have loving caring parents and I never had that.

Every Sunday eving before a new work week start, I often stuck in bed and cried and feel sorry for myself..I have Noone I was always on my own since I was 6 years old. Sorry for venting,

TW SA. So I watched "baby reindeer" recently. It totally triggered memories of being SAed and I felt so numb and also scared? I cut myself in the shower byaccedent and then did it again because it felt good. Im so ashamed. I kept thinking of being assaulted and needed it to be over. Idk how to tell my partner. Im so disgusted by myself. I just got into a relationship and it feels like a betrayal of our relationship to feel so sad.

I went to a work colleague's wedding three years ago. I didn't know anyone there, nor did my wife. My wife is an able-socialiser: she charms easily, she can talk well. The evening went its way, and as the sun set people started dancing. I had a little alcohol in me. I wanted to move. And I did dance. I danced energetically, I danced with other people I did not know, I danced until I was covered in sweat. I sat outside in the coolness, breathing, that was all there was to do. Breathe.

Earlier I watched this film called Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. Ordinarily, not my kind of film. I tell myself the bleaker the better, and that fun is frivolous. It's stupid isn't it. But I watched the film with a kind of shy joy, especially during the dance sequence towards the end. It was beautiful watching people move like that. I wondered if I could move that way. When I was a boy there was a gymnastics class at one of the larger leisure centres. I remember looking at the class photos online. The children were in their gymnastic kits, and they scared me. They were quite revealing, and I loathed my little body. I covered it like a secret that might have polluted everyone and everything. So I did not join, and when there were dances I did not dance, and I could not even watch, because I wanted to wear brightest blue and dance and I couldn't. My abusers took something from me I have missed for the longest time. The sweetness, the necessity, of joy.

I guess my question is this. What was searching for you, running after you, that meant you well, that filled your heart, that felt frightening, undoable, maybe even evil? For me it's dancing. I'm 32 now. I'm not old, I'm not youthful. Some time has passed me by, and I often think of this declaration, or insight, or shred of mercy that goes like this:

"So, you practice endings. And one of those delivers you to the understanding that no matter how deeply faithful you are to someone or something, you will not extend their days, its days, by one. So, you have to find another way to love that doesn't rely on the hope that if you love enough, you get more chances to love. You won't. You'll get fewer."

I've been away a long time.

When I was younger I think I slept a lot better than I do now. Most nights I struggle to not only fall asleep but stay asleep as well. I’ll usually get between 4-6 hours a night with the 6 hours is if I’m lucky. I don’t have any flashbacks or nightmares from what my parents put me through and was wondering if anyone else has had this problem and was able to resolve it. I’m currently taking a medication to help me sleep but most of the time it only works because I remember I took it. Then once it does start to kick in I’m up within a few hours. It doesn’t seem to be impacting my day to day life aside from waking up tired most days.

How many thoughts pass in our brains that we refuse to speak out loud or in any setting, even among those who know our pain the closest. I just found myself spiraling and had the thought to vent on here, but my filter stopped me. The fear of hypocrisy maybe? Because it is so easy to say what we think about ourselves, but would never in our lifetimes say about another survivor. You know you would find fellowship with others of us if you said the things, that all of is feel that way. But we must do everything we can to protect. Even if leaving it unspoken leaves it unbanished from our thoughts, festering.

I'm starting to notice that anytime I'm talking to the opposite sex and things begin to feel slightly serious I'm overcome with such a negative / anxious feeling.

Just thinking about them and how things could progress overwhelms and scares me so bad.

I'm a survivor of some bad domestic violence and childhood abuse as well.

I just want to be able to feel "light and happy" with potential dating and despite having done so much inner work I can't shake this bad feeling, everything feels so serious with anyone I talk with and it's exhausting.

Vent but advice welcomed

within my major its normal for professors to follow us on our art instagrams. My professor has given me an ounce of attention and im obsessed with continuing to get that validation and drive myself crazy when i dont. I have obsessively been checking my instagram story to see if she has liked it. Its so bad lmao. She always has good critiques for me in class and will engage in casual conversation with me, she called me friendly and personable, and said that she is excited for me and my future. People 30+ years old cannot be nice to me or else i get attached. It is so annoying aAGHH.

My parents were constantly arguing and yelling at each other (still to this day.) they would have blow out fights, to where my dad would pack a bag and leave for a weekend and not answer his phone and just completely ignore us. I truly believe this is why I have an anxious attachment style as an adult. These fights would also get intense. My dad has broke my moms car windshield, he slammed the back door so hard the glass broke, he’s broken plates, door frames, lamps, etc. as my sibling and I got older, he would take out his anger on us. He would embarrass us in front of friends, or he would just hide and totally be uninvolved when we had people over, but that’s a different story. Trips to Disney world, trips to exotic places, etc. would constantly be ruined, because my mom would do something that would piss my dad off, and they would just scream at each other and the whole vacay would be awkward and tense. As a young child, this was extremely hurtful to watch, and hear. I’ve been screamed at, had fingers pointed in my face, had shit thrown at me, been called everything you can think of, etc. it’s made me feel worthless, and it’s also made me feel like no one will truly ever love me because with him there’s always something wrong or something to get mad at. My mom has never really had a backbone, so she would never stand up for herself, or for us during these fights, which tended to drive a wedge between my sis & I and her. She would just sit there and take it, and watching this as a child made me think it was the norm. As I got older, this got harder to watch, and it played a part in who I chose as a partner. It’s taught me to not put up with any bs, but it’s also lingered and kind of made me choose angry people. I’m often embarrassed when I think of these memories, because I know they’re not universal. I also think about the friends I had at the time, the people I thought I could trust, and the friends who would make fun of me for having a crazy parental relationship, (and would later tell everyone about it, which just made me look like I had so many issues, because this isn’t the norm.) I grew up thinking it was normal to be yelled at, listen/overhear yelling, have doors slammed shut constantly, thinks thrown, etc. as I’ve gotten older, I’ve asked my friends about their relationships with their parents, and it hurts when I hear that they’ve never been “yelled at” or had to listen to these things or feel this way. I understand fighting and arguing is a given in any relationship, but to what extent? I can’t listen to certain songs, go to certain places, or reminisce on certain memories because all I can think about and see is how angry they were at the world (and my sibling and I.) I’ve also dealt with confidence, self love, and self worth issues for years because of this. I never feel satisfied, fulfilled, and something always wrong. I’ve had a hard time maintaining friendships, opening up, etc. Growing up I was always told to look / dress a certain way and if it didn’t reach their approval, then I was shunned. As I’ve gotten older I’ve done pretty much anything you can think of just to receive a compliment (I can’t tell you the last time I received one from them) or to feel pretty. I still to this day don’t know what I truly look like, because I often use filters to adjust how I look. It was always “cute! But I wish you would xxxx” I was also constantly compared to other kids (in looks, academics, etc.) which has haunted me for years. I’ve become angry, hostile, and short tempered because of these situations and scenarios. I try not to let it bother me, but I break down every once in awhile. I’ve never truly felt emotionally validated when I explain this. I know this is a lot, and this is just brushing the surface, but can anyone give me any kind of feedback or advice?

Anyone out there? I've not been sleeping, despite meds. ive had intermittent pelvic pain. On top of that, on Thursday I had stomach issues/vomiting. Although that has stopped, my stomach has been burning, sore and nauseous since and at times I've been off balance. I can only eat bland things like potato. The thought of real food with tastes/textures makes me feel ill. I've been taking anti-acid capsules no effect yet. I just feel really weird and I cant figure out the cause, aside from stress.

My anxiety is atrocious. I'm overthinking absolutely everything, finding risk and threat everywhere, and struggling.. I'm terrified. I feel like something bad is definitely round the corner, and convinced im right, yet most of the time the 'something bad' doesnt occur.

I'm exhausted, I'm pretending I'm fine to most the world, but I'm scared. I'm really really scared and frightened

Thank you for reading my post

I’m watching a late 70s sitcom and a protagonist is having a rough spell and his wife is caring and supportive and nurturing invalidated. I went into a flashback regarding all of the field portions of my toxic marriage so fast it made my head spin.

I have 0 idea why. It started with the sims 4, all the options gave me an anxiety attack that left me two notches of anxiety higher for days. now every game does, my brain goes into overdrive trying to “maximize” my enjoyment even though it’s all totally ruined but I can’t even think straight when i get anxious from playing. Even very straightforward story games with few options. It got a lot worse after I started college, maybe from having to perform perfectly for so many months straight, but it also feels related to my traumatic existential crisis from a few years ago that left me horrified and scared of losing everything, wasting time, not experiencing enough or the best etc.

any ideas? Because this sucks so bad. It’s been the case for over a year. shows and games were my primary method of coping with escapism, and I hold them very dear. But now I can’t experience them without my brain going into overdrive and even thinking about the best way to “think” to get the most enjoyment out of things, even tho logically it makes no sense to overthink. But I can’t control it and my heart is pumping and breath shaking every time I play Stardew valley haha. :(

ive always overthunk a bit when playing games since I was a kid, but now it’s extreme. I have tried to deeply contemplate what is going on. What do I want from the game? ive tried letting go and playing without caring for anything. But my mind panics at that, like you have to want something out of a game. I’ve tried taking breaks, playing a long time to let the feeling pass, playing silly little games that don’t matter, playing after getting in a safe mood, playing with friends, journaling About the feelings I get, everything. This is really, really depressing. just when i think the worst is over my brain evolves like a new strain of a disease.

I feel like such a shitty person sometimes because I will be fine for a little bit and then i get completely engrossed in a trauma and thinking about it and it’s almost like I want to re live it. Like I obsess over it, I think about what happened on repeat and how it shaped me and it just takes over my thoughts for a little while. Then I stop and move on to another one. I don’t know why I do it, but I do and it makes me feel so ashamed. I feel like I’m trying to tear down everything I’ve worked on for the last four years when all I really want is to find a sense of peace and fulfillment. Does anyone else experience this? If so, is there a way to stop it?

So I never thought my childhood was bad until I finally broke down this week. I joined the military at 18-24 years old and some say I went through traumatic things but I just thing my childhood was worse.

Here's a summary then I'll get into detail.

•I was beat everyday •I never had any friends. •I would text myself text messages to act like someone would text me. •I would buy 2 movie tickets to not act like I was going alone •I was kicked out of 3 schools

•5 Years old and my sister was 6 our parents dropped us off about 5 miles from home in the woods in the mid winter in the back country of the Allegany Mountains New York. The snow was past my knees but I was able to navigate me and my sister back home because the moon was bright.

•6 Years old my father locked me outside and I slept under the trailer we lived in overnight and came back in with bug bites almost on a weekly basis

•6 Years old My father would tell me to set up targets for his rifle and while I'm doing it he would jokingly shoot by my feet

•6 Years old my mother would run over my toes with those old school vacuums and I required stitched over all my toes

•7 Years old my mother smashed a glass bowl over my head because I spilled my cereal and I got a concussion and stitches.

•7 Years old my mother sent me to a mental hospital saying I was "suicidal" and "crazy" so she could go on vacation.

•7 or 8 Years old my father put me on a chair and gave me his 12 gauge shotgun and made me point it at his head and told me to pull the trigger

•10 years old I found my father cheating and he started beating me up and cracked my head open with a metal pipe so I picked up a knife and stabbed him 6x in the stomach. I required 22 stitches on the head.

•10 years old I was put in a mental hospital for Bipolar after I started fighting back with my parents. I was there for 2 weeks.

•11 Years old I was put into foster care

•12 Years old my foster father shot and killed my foster mother in front of me then he killed himself.

•13 years old I was thrown off a 40 foot bridge into shallow water and broke My collar bone. Because I was a fat boy.

•14 years old I started my summer break with my new foster family then when i arrived in June 16 2012 my foster family put me in the basement until September 02 2012. I slept on the deep freezer and ate 1 meal a day from what they gave me. It was always dark and the only light was under the doorway into the house. I become crazy and started talking to myself and still to this day have troubles being alone. When I'm alone I often tell myself to "kill myself do it" in a soft tone. During that summer I went from 230lbs > 130lbs. I never called the police since they both moved to Vietnam to retire.

15-18 yrs old is when I my life started to turn around.

Possible TW: Neglect

My brain is not functioning at its best, so I think this is the question I would like to know. I'm hoping to gain some insight into what might be happening.

With CPTSD and zero close attachments, I've been in survival mode for as long as I can remember. It is so normal to me. I started EMDR Dec 2022. For the past half a year, I've gotten more needs (including ones rarely if ever) met than I have in my whole life. I'm struggling with the fact that it's a man with whom I likely don't have a future....romantically, which I equate to the only way I could continue getting my needs met.

Now I know what it feels like to have support/care and I feel very depressed. I don't want to keep doing life without that. I don't want to wait for someone else to "maybe" come along. I feel the weight of doing everything without that home base. Even though there are other aspects of my life that are better than before, I feel unnecessarily stressed more than I need to be. I've done so much work, I have more tools than ever, life is better...I don't understand why I feel this way. I feel like I'm done treading water, but also, I don't know. Is it just the situation is triggering? Is it EMDR? Is there something I need to do to care for myself better?

Survival mode has taken my desire to connect with people, my sex drive and everything that involves pleasure with other humans. I can’t understand how some people have had it way worse than me and are still able to have friends and a life. They say they have bad days, but for me, every day is a bad fucking day. Why can’t I escape this hell inside my head? Why can’t I break out of this pattern?