I’ve never felt sensation like this before. I admitted to the person who sexually violated me years ago that I know they did, and my recollection of events. And suddenly I felt a warm buzz in my stomach, (like a warm radiating stomach type feel).

My abdomen was even hot to the touch. I feel such a sense of calm despite being stressed for years to share that with them (what happened from my POV).

I guess I didn’t expect this sort of physiological release. Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?

Is this normal or some sort of medical issue I’m overlooking given the concurring events (explaining to perpetrator what happened)?

Admittedly I am basically Stockholm’ed by this person and always imagined what happened was harmless in the grand scheme of things and always thought sharing it with them would make me MORE anxious… so I’m shocked about this calm, literal warm feeling. It’s making me think my body carried what happened deeper or more seriously than I realized?

I just feel a true, unexpected sense of peace end physical comfort after sharing with them.

WARNING: I do not have CPTSD. My wife has CPTSD.
This post is written from the perspective of a partner. If you are triggered by reading how a person with CPTSD is percieved by a partner, then please move on :) I got pretty much no response writing in a "partner" forum, so here goes:

Married for 16 years. 2 kids. Wife has CPTSD and borderline traits. Has been blaming me for everything and has had explosive behaviour for MANY years. She has worked hard. Been through therapy for many years. We have gone through couples counseling. I have seen a therapist myself as well.

Things never seemed to be good enough for any of us to thrive. She would feel like I did XYZ wrong and would in the beginning of our marriage rage at me, then the past years the rage has calmed down, but I would still get the same treatment, minus the rage.

4 months ago, we decided to give our relationship one year and try to work our butts of.
During the first 4 months my wife has been extremely emotional. Very blaming, very scared etc (and understandibly so, because there is a deadline on things). Her mood has gone very much up and down. I have been completely torn to pieces by all the blame and chaos she has created. I have just been so torn apart by all of this, and run down. To the point that I have stopped caring about trying to get her to feel better. I have really started to see for real how sick my wife is. That she really is mentally ill. My therapist helped me realize this as well. I have missed the stability and sexual intimacy, that has always been very far away, because of my wifes ups and downs. I have gone through feelings of anger and hurt over the many years that have passed. And mentally started to let go of my wife the past 2 months or so. I just couldn't do this anymore. I have stopped looking for ways for her to get better. SHE has to do that. I have stopped trying to help her regulate her emotions, SHE has to do that etc. I am worn out from trying.

Then she started on antidepressants about 3 weeks ago. And things have gotten better with her. These days she seems to be actually doing pretty well. Much more positive and has a stable mood. She hasn't blamed me for anything weird for about 2 weeks. Her therapist has been able to get through to her and told me that she has had some pretty groundbreaking results with my wife. My wife now understands that SHE has to do the work. That I shouldn't regulate my wifes emotions etc.

And now i'm super confused. When we talk, I don't really feel any deep love for her (romantic love). I'm afraid of getting to close to her, because I don't know what will happen. I don't want to get close to her, because I don't really have any deep feelings for her.

I'm afraid to re-commit. We still have 7 months to go on our "deal" to work our butts of. But i'm just left in this weird hole of feeling nothing for her.
It is such a weird timing.
It is as if I have seen how things truly are and I have stopped loving her romantically, and also i'm afraid to jump back in and try to cultivate those feelings.
But what if she gets better because of antidepressants? What if we can still salvage our family?
I just feel like it's too late and I'm ashamed because of it.

I am so confused.
I mean, I know 2 weeks is nothing. I need to see months of stable mood from my wife, but still. I'm super confused.
I went to my therapist yesterday.
I expressed that I have a lot of pinned up anger towards my wife. I feel like she can just get away with treating me like garbage for so many years. That she doesn't have to do anything to make things better between us. I know on "head" level that she really can't be blamed for her reactions, but on a gut level, I just feel used.

My therapist assured me that now is not the time to be in love with my wife. Now is the time to be confused. To see where this will take us for the next 7 months. Since my wife is finally doing better, NOW is the time to stop tying knots on myself to not express my emotions (because I have learned that I cannot express my negative emotions towards anything my wife does, since that will send her spiralling). Now I can finally talk to my wife about my emotions, like an adult (in smaller dosages in the beginning of course).
And bottom line is that I need to make a decision later on. Not now.

Everything is weird and confusing.
Could use your thoughts.
Thanks

I’m feeling really guilty over something that happened today. I don’t even know if I should feel guilty.

I went to a walk in clinic this morning. Usually this clinic opens at 9 for walk ins, so people start lining up outside around 8:30. Today I got there at 8 so I waited in my car until I decided to line up at 8:50 (I was the only person there).

When the receptionist unlocked the doors at 9 she told me they would not be checking people in for walk ins until 9:45 that day and to come back then. So I go wait in my car until then. In the meantime, another family went inside sometime between 9-9:45 and were also waiting for walk ins to open.

When I went back in I was told it would be another few minutes but I could take a seat in the waiting room.

A few minutes later they tell us walk ins are now open, so I stand up and start walking to the counter. The family in the waiting room were like “wait, we were first.” I said that I had actually arrived at 8 and they were like “oh ok, go ahead then.”

Like nothing even that dramatic happened. But I still feel so guilty. I feel like I should’ve just let them go first. I guess there’s an argument that because I decided to wait in my car instead of asking if I could wait it out inside that I wasn’t technically in the unspoken “line up.”

I wish I had asked if it would be ok if I hung out in the waiting room to avoid misunderstandings like this.

I feel like an asshole, a selfish evil person. I feel like everyone in that waiting room feels the same way because I insisted I had actually been waiting the longest. At the time I wanted to advocate for myself but I can’t shake the feeling I did something wrong. Did I do something wrong?

I can’t fall asleep because I keep imagining being beaten for some reason, like there’s a figure looming above me ready to smack me. I’ve felt like crying all day because of this. This is going to torment me for at least a few weeks.

Please someone reassure me that I’m not an evil, terrible person. Do you think what I did was wrong? I can’t shake the guilt and shame. I’m so exhausted I can’t sleep.

Like the title says I can't remember much of what happened, but I remember some. It only happened once and it was at my grandma's house. I was four or five at the time and my "friend" in my grandma's neighborhood, a 13 year old girl, came into the guest room me and my brother would stay in while we were there. She told me to go into the closet and my brother couldn't come, and she turned off the closet light, made me sit next to her, and pulled out her phone. All I remember is her showing me some inappropriate videos and asking if I liked it and if I felt good from it. Sometimes I think I remember her putting a hand on me, sometimes it's foggy. But after that day she stopped talking to me and her family moved away.

I don't know what else happened or if anything did, but it destroyed me. I became very hypersexual and was very inappropriate with dolls and other toys, and I regret to this day having brought my brother into it a bit. I did nothing to him and was smart enough to take a 'no' when he didn't want to learn about it and I'm so thankful I didn't let my own problems affect him. But I'm left with this lasting guilt of having almost exposed him to that. I wish I knew what happened because those few memories haunt me every day. I spoke to a therapist about it, saying I may have an addiction to inappropriate content, and she brushed it off aaying it wasn't an addiciton and it was normal for kids my age, and that a real addiction was like smoking.

I really just don't know where else to go to try and seek help for this or what I can do to try and help me remember. All I know is that that stupid girl ruined my life from that point on.

7:44 r/CPTSD C te2 1 64% So, around 7 years ago, l'm 16 now and i'm a girl, my younger brother who was 6, is now 14, made ne do stuff with him when we were young. I remember we were watching something dirty on the television and he turned to me and said, let's do this. I agreed because I was fucking stupid and we both started to recreate what was shown on the TV. Anyway I realised that this was all wrong and 1 told my brother, who was still asking me to do it, that I didn't want to anymore and he kept forcing me to do it with him. Eventually, he stopped after a while and I didn't tell my parents about any of this because 1 was ashamed of myself. Time Skip to a few years later. The same brother who did this to me did it to my other siblings, my younger sister and younger brother. I caught him doing it with my younger sister and I was shocked. Ithought he wasn't doing stuff like that anymore after he stopped doing it to me, but I was wrong. Anyway, I told my parents about it and they called the police on my brother. Social services got involved but they dropped everything. My brother did this like 4 years ago and nothing has happened since, not with me, my other siblings or him. I feel like it's all my fault he did it to my other siblings pecause I didn't speak about it for the longest time And my parents are now wanting to press charges against my brother for what he did those years ago. Will they arrest me? Especially if my brother tells them I did stuff to him. I'm so ashamed of myself and I've wanted to kill myself for it in these past few days. My parents keep bringing it up now and they blame me for all of it. I grew up and realised that it was sick and wrong, my brother did not. My parents also want to tell other people about it, including my brothers friends, who go to my college. I'm scared it's going to affect my college life. My parents are abusive, more so my dad.

Update:

when cps interviewed me about what my brother did, I told them that my brother acted like it was a game and he forced me into stuff. But I've told the college and my parents that it was actually a porn video on the TV and I told them that we agreed to do what was shown there, but cps are talking about visiting again and I'm genuinely scared because i lied the first time.

I have said this many times, but still, it's the truth if you disagree either you are previllaged or rich: a lot of us, myself included, if the economy cost of living isn't that high, I would have cut ties with my entire narcissistic family of origin from day 1, but we don't live in a fantasy world. A lot of us are still financially dependent on our abusers for a living situation, and in some countries you can't even afford living on your own. A lot of folks from the 80s and 90s moved out of their parents house so easily because it was so affordable back then. Now in 2024, things have changed; it's getting more and more expensive, not to mention groceries phone bills college debt mortage, and you want your abusive/neglectful parents and family to help you out financially? Dream on; they are the first to cause that in the first place, and if you don't have money, you have to sacrifice the best years of your early 20s, like me, still trying to move out one day because I live in a country where there is a housing crisis. If I had the money, I would have cut ties long ago.

I read about the symptoms of less sever cases of autism and many of them are very similar to what I expirience due to CPTSD.

I also have encountered many cases of poor professionals who misdiagnosed people left and right when it came down to mental or neurological problems.

So a question for people who suffer with less sever case of asutism and also from CPTSD: how do you know for sure that the symptoms you expirience are from autism and not CPTSD?

(Asking out of curiosity to understand others life expirience better)

do u guys question ure memories and feelings. like am i actually feeling this or am i feeling this to get out of doing smthn or get attention or give myself validation nd use it as an excuse to give myself leniency? also having a hard time identifying what i am feeling. like my thoughts are very different from my reactions and people bug me nd ask me why am i crying my eyes out nd like idk if uk please tell me too. And then they get mad which is fair but. idk.

Alright yall, I am (or was historically) soft af. In the best way though, 80% happy tears from silly things like bubbles or flowers or old couples holding hands, the rest mostly sad. It’s also my response to anger (just crying, no yelling or anything) but that damn near never happens. *not feeling anger/rage that already an issue prior, I’m aware it’s a repression thing and am working through that.

HOWEVER, I left a partner over the summer after a year of being in an abusive (in all the ways) relationship. I was physically ill from the stress and trauma of leaving/the entire thing and even moved states to get away from them. Things were going great the first two+ months then BAM, within a two week span, a veritable shit storm of triggers and “forgotten” situations I had with them appeared. Been a rough few months but getting back on track.

Now here’s the rub, I have an overwhelming NEED to cry - as in it’s so bad I can physically feel it in my body. And not just any cry, I’m talking a big, ugly, howling fit that could be misconstrued as someone getting murdered. I’ll tear up a bit and it feels like I’m on the brink of a doozy then I just stop. The mental need is still there and the physical urge too but I just can’t - a crying cockblock, if you will. It’s so uncomfortable and unlike me, I’m a crier and a laugher, maybe not an extreme mess crier, but in the past, when that needed to happen it would.

I am AGGRESSIVELY trying to prompt it - in therapy, reading sad shit, watching the “top rated heartbreaking films ever to exist” and listening to every song that in a “normal” world would shatter the tear ducts of not just me, but any human in existence.

So… wtf is this??? Has anyone else experienced this? My therapist is saying emotional numbing but like… the emotion is there? What am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m going to physically explode if it doesn’t happen soon.

My school is quiet literally the worst possible environment for my nervous system. All the teachers care about helping people and actually want to be there, which somehow makes shit worse because anytime teachers offer help or ask how im doing my brain goes to "they'll do what he did." because god forbid any bit of interaction with teachers i have feels safe.

i genuinely love my school, and I'm happy with the teachers there and trust them, they've all never done anything even slightly werid, but my brain won't fucking listen. im always on high alert.

I hate being like this. i should love my school, im lucky to be there, i would have dropped out without it, but i cant do it

i cant go to the downstairs bathroom without freaking out because they look like the closet where it kept happening. i can't pay attention in math class because its the only class he actually tried to teach. i cant ask for help when I dont get something because im afraid ill end up alone with a teacher. i miss atleast an hour of school everyweek panicking because someone bumped into me at the wrong angle or other stupid fucking shit. i cant

How do you distinguish which of your symptoms/tendencies are attributed to CPTSD and which are related to ASD? Could these two really be two sides of the same coin? Some I’m thinking of include:

• hyper vigilance for others’ moods/behaviours
• maladaptive daydreaming
• scattered attention
• dissociation
• discomfort around almost all other people
• intense need for autonomy
• sensory issues / overstimulation
• difficulty connecting with others
• intense need to be alone
• struggle with transitions
• struggle with change
• substance addiction
• self harm
• eating disorders

I (25F) have a feeling I was sexually abused by an uncle. My parents split up when I was about 5, so I lived with my dad's mom. She has a brother who is mentally handicapped that lives with them. He's very averse to anyone touching him, but I have a specific memory of me being alone with him and there was some unwanted and aggressive hugging and touching. He also kept repeating to me that I was his best friend. I don't believe there was anything more than that. Although I do have memories of him coming into my room and then quickly leaving when he realized I was awake. I do remember feeling very confused. Are there any signs of child sexual abuse manifesting in adulthood. I remember starting to masturbate at a very early and did it very frequently from middle school to college. I would intentionally flirt and sext with adult men online as a high schooler. Now, I have a pretty low sex drive and tend to flinch a lot when my bf touches me sexually.

In ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ it is mentioned that trauma has a high correlation with low HRV so I’m wondering about your experiences with this. Does anyone have insight as to how these two phenomena relate?

I hate how fragile I am when I try to reach out in a newly vulnerable way. I recently joined a sub reddit about something I'm looking into about myself, and I posted there for the first time today. I didn't see the type of reaction I was looking for and needing, and now I'm tearing myself apart. I'm a terrible, awful person for thinking I could connect to people. I deserve nothing but the worst this world has to offer me. Thoughts of self-harm, SI. I hate how fragile I am. How quickly I will go off the deep end and see anything, even the most innocent of things, as a reason to tear myself down to the bottom again. This stuff is so exhausting.

I 23F have posted here many times asking for help with the aftermath of being sexually assaulted as a child from ages 3-8 and I really struggle to find a way out of the mist my brain has become. In the last idk 2 or 3 years I've began to get better get better for a while.

But in the last month or so I realised I can never have normal relationships again. Not friendships or romantic relationships. My social anxiety is mostly gone and I now can go outside but friendships just mostly don't work. There are 4. Ways they go for me:

1. I don't tell them what happend and I feel like I can't trust them and I'm afraid of them

2. I tell them and they pity me and don't see me as an adult.

3. I tell them and they have been assaulted themselves and it just ends in traumadumping and no real connection.

4. I tell them and they like the idea too much. They fantasize about my rape.

All 4 scenarios happend to me in friendships and relationships alike. Even with people I've known for a few months or years. Me just knowing what happenf to myself just destroyed being able to have any normal social interaction.

In the last months I've learned meeting friends or romantic partners isn't the problem for me I'm good in social interactions and first impressions. The hard part is the keeping them ans having meaningful relationships ans friendships. I'm jusr so angry about it. Why is my head so dumb ? If any of you had similar experiences any adivce would help.

I saw a thread on here from a few years ago about the struggle to respond to texts and the guilt that does along with that.

My friend has CPTSD and I'm trying to balance our friendship, it's becoming increasingly difficult because she ignores most of my messages. I always give at least a few weeks (typically months) between each message she ignores before I reach out again, and I try to keep them light and casual so she doesn't feel overwhelmed but I'm not sure it's working.

Anyway, we are long distance friends and have been so for a year. There's been miscommunication in our friendship, I moved away and I think that hurt her even though she never expressed it because her contact has been very inconsistent since I left. I feel like I abandoned her by leaving but I want her to know that she's still important to me without overwhelming her.

We have made plans to meet up twice but she cancelled on me both times. I know her patterns reasonably well and I feel if she didn't want a friendship she would never engage at all, she's just very sporadic.

I've avoided touching on emotional topics through message, but I feel we've stagnated in the year I've been away. We went from being extremely close to only catching up every couple months before she disappears again.

Basically, I want to send her a rather long but reassuring message to show her of my support and to explain that I still value her despite the time that has passed since I've left. I also want to express that I understand if our physical distance from each other has been difficult for her to handle etc.

Although this may be daunting, would explaining my perspective and care for her help her navigate her feelings towards our friendship better? I'm not trying to force her to communicate with me, I'm just concerned that she doesn't understand that I still care for her deeply because she's deeply distrusting.

If anyone is looking for some advice to alternative ways in which trauma can be addressed send me a chat and we can go from there 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺

I feel intense guilt, shame, and disgust for having sexual thoughts or even wanting to engage with them. I feel like when I do I betray myself and my boundaries and feeling of safety. Sex isn’t safe to me. But I still have sexual thoughts. and I repress them a lot. To the point where it’s pretty normal for me to go months and months without any sexual thoughts becagse my brain knows it’s not allowed. But when I do allow it or try to allow it because I know logically there’s nothing wrong with it. I feel like I’m purposely putting myself in danger and hurting myself. I don’t want to feel this way. ETA: I feel this way because I was raped, groomed, then raped again. It makes sense why I have this problem. But idk how to fix it. The options seem to be either allow sexual desire to be a part of my life or repress it. Both options seem to hurt me.

I’ve been through a lot. Not nearly as much as some people, but through a lot worse than most “normal” people. I’ve always fought to survive, I always pushed myself to get through it for a better life.

I’m 24. That’s not old. So why do I feel old? My hair is grey and an ashy brown. I have dark bags underneath my eyes constantly. My body aches. I can’t sleep much anymore, my body won’t let me. I can barely get to sleep. I wake up in pain every day.

I’m lonely. Painfully so. I’m so lonely I feel like some kind of alien trapped on earth among people that don’t understand, or that are so messed up themselves that they damage me more and then just ditch me. I’ve been isolating completely from my friends. To a pretty extreme point. I’ve just been ignoring them. And I don’t even know why.

I keep thinking about it all. How hard I worked to get away. How hard I work to get an education. How hard I work to try and keep everyone happy.

It feels like strength has left my body. I feel like someday I’ll collapse from it all and ever get back up.

What am I fighting for?

I’m desperate for a hug right now. But I have no one. It’s me, and only me. Always by myself. Always looking out for myself. Having to learn how to protect myself. Having to learn things a 24 year old shouldn’t have to learn, like how to protect herself from old men that want to take advantage of her because they know there’s nobody to protect her from their advances.

I miss my dog. I wish I could be wherever she is. Heaven. Space. Another universe. I wish I was with someone who unconditionally loved me like she loved me.

I don’t think there’s a person on earth who loves me the way she did.

Why did it all have to be this way. Why do I have to keep being strong. I don’t want to be strong. I want to be vulnerable and loved.

I am 27(M) and my Cousin 23(F). It all started when I was 11(M) and my Cousin 7(F).

I used to live in a big city and used to study in a nice school, there had been no sex education classes at that time though. Sex was never actually discussed, none of my classmates ever used abusive words and it was a nice environment in general. My mom used to remain sick and eventually she passed away that year. It was decided by my family that I should be sent to live with my maternal grandparents, and my elder brother was sent to live with my mom's sister's family. It was actually a smooth transition because we always used to visit these extended families every vacation.

So the place where I was sent to was a very small city, the school I was in was an all boys school where the environment was totally dirty. On the very first day I heard a lot of abusive words and saw the kids sharing porn magazines. I complained that the school is not good and all, but they wanted me to continue over there. It was traumatic to say the least.

After a few months in the same year, my uncle along with his family, shifted to the same house. They used to stay in a European country, but due to war like scenario, he had to move back as his business had taken a hit. That's when I started living with my cousin. She was admitted to a small school nearby and had friends who had similar habits as that of my classmates.

I don't exactly remember how it started, but we used to touch each other all the time. We used to make stories and pretend we were husband and wife, or famous cartoon characters who were in love. She used to tell me that we will continue this even when we get old or married, I used to agree and say the same. We never actually got naked completely, as always there were people in the house, around 8 of us living together. But this touching and puting hands under each other's clothes continued.

While we used to do all these things, parallelly I was getting bullied in school for being fat. My uncle and his younger brother also used make fun of me regarding my weight or how I am not developing manly behaviour or how much I lack confidence. They made me dance infront of the family members and laugh that how I'll break the stage because of my weight.

We were caught by one of my uncles, who just scolded me and then nothing happened afterwards, I tried to kill myself as well. We kept away from each other for a few days, but it started again. My cousin's mom also caught us but somehow she never confronted us directly. I even overheard her mom talking to her dad about it and was awaiting the consequences, but nothing happened.

It continued for around two years untill they went back to their country. Me and my cousins kept in touch but never talked about these incidents. We even discussed about our respective boyfriends and girlfriends. I went to college and left that place finally. I finally started building a life for myself. Even she got busy with her life and we were out of touch for around 3-4 years.

Throughout these years I was struggling with the memories of whatever we had done. As I grew up, I understood how sickening those things were. Whenever I tried to get intimate with a girl, those flashbacks kept on haunting me. I was totally ashamed that I was a part of something like that. I tried taking therapy as well, where I got to understand what PTSD is. I decided that I'm going to be completely honest about my past with any person I'm dating. As a result I lost out on the woman I loved so deeply.

Now suddenly after all these years, my cousin pops up in my dm. Saying that I was a monster, I have done diabolical things. I accepted that I was the one who was older to her, so it should have been my responsibility to stop that, but I had failed to do that as I could not understand if it was wrong or right when is was 11. I told her that I regret every moment of it and I just wish that if I can go back and change that. I just told her that I wish if the adults around us acted more maturely and could have sent us to therapy at that age itself so that we could have understood what we were doing. She started arguing that her family members were not aware of it. I told her that it's a lie, her mom and dad and uncle were well aware of the happenings. Maybe they are trying to hide their inaction by telling this lie that they were unaware.

She still does not believe me and is telling that her father can't lie to her.

I don't know what to do about it. Finally, I was coming out of the trauma but now again I'm getting dragged back. I feel sorry for her as she deserved none of it. And I know that it was completely my fault. But at the same time I hate her father for lying to her.

How should I process all of it?

....because nothing will undo the trauma in your brain. You can get hopeful and say that neuropaths are constantly being rewired and new memories are being created...but not for me. I have not lived a day since 2019.

People bring up this argument of COVID having fucked up our sense of time belonging. Maybe that's true for a fraction of people. But in my case, COVID overlapped with severe personal traumatic experiences that left me scarred

Sometimes I like to listen to some "old" songs my past self used to jam to. Music is not even music anymore, it's a time machine to pain. And whenever I see "posted 6-7-8 years ago" I can't help but hear the sound of my own heart breaking for myself. I have not lived a day in those years. All this time has just gone down the drain. I do not remember a single day from those 7 years. I don't know where I was, who I was, and with whom I was. I can at most recall 4 experiences from that year and that is all. That's all my brain managed to keep to itself during half a decade of dissociation.

I try every single day to change and evolve. But I'm still the same X old kid I was back then, just in a young adult body, feeling like I'm playing pretend, paying bills, paying rent, and claiming to be my own person. Spoiler alert, I'm nothing. I am literally nothing. 7 years ago feels like yesterday for me, in a genuine sense.

I feel like I've been sentenced to hell.

I have been in treatment since march, when I spent 5 weeks in hospital. I’m still struggling quite a lot, but when things get REALLY dire, I am getting through that faster and more easily.

One thing that I’m not making much progress with is what happens when I am faced with some kind of task. When the thought enters my mind that something needs to be done, I feel almost panicked, and cannot even begin thinking about what to do. It’s that feeling where you might think or say “omg this is too much, I can’t deal with this right now” and just throw the whole thing away.

But this is every day, over all sorts of tasks. I need food; TOO MUCH. I get an email needing a reply; TOO MUCH. The rubbish bin is full; TOO MUCH. I feel too overwhelmed to even think about it. Some days it’s better than others, but every day I feel it in some way. Many days I am almost entirely non-functional and retreat, whilst also harbouring that sense of panic.

I’ve had TMS, I see a counsellor every week anda psychologist every month where we do a mix of EMDR and IFS parts work. I do have ADHD and have long suspected that if I were assessed for Autism I would be diagnosed. So executive functioning and emotional regulation was always hard for me. But now I am wondering if this daily overwhelm/freeze is a symptom of CPTSD and something I can heal, or have I hit a level of neurodivergent burnout that I can’t return from. Is this level of functioning something I can’t change?

What does sorry mean to you? What do you define sorry as? What makes you feel like a person really feels like they’re apologizing and feel bad? Like what means sorry. I apologize so profusely that at this point, it seems like a mantra because all I did was apologize to my parents. I think I understand the general feeling, but in a valid confrontation with my boyfriend, he realized I couldn’t define it and he was correct. It’s word vomit to me. What does a person do when they really mean sorry? How do I learn to apologize? What if somebody doesn’t accept it because you apologize for everything? If I’m apologizing for everything I don’t think I really know what an apology is. I breathe and I apologize lmao I apologize as a defense mechanism to avoid an argument because I’m terrified of abandonment, so what does it mean to really feel sorry? Like what defines that? I feel sorry and I feel bad but I also sometimes repeat actions as triggers, even though they’ve been pointed out to me, and I sometimes can’t even actively listen. Being sorry for me is never selfless, it is always tainted by trying to avoid conflict and abandonment, and it seems disingenuous at this point. I don’t intend this question with a lack of empathy, but with confusion.

i’m having a depression day and it really sucks. i had so much to do and now I’m behind and making up for it tomorrow feels so daunting. I sat around all day, wanting to do more but feeling glued to the bed like there’s an invisible person holding me down. there’s this heaviness and aching in my chest. I feel ashamed and lazy and embarrassed

I know on a practical level that dwelling on this doesn’t help but I can’t stop shame spiralling. I haven’t gone to the gym in a week, my skin is breaking out cause I haven’t been washing my face properly before bed. I feel in over my head with my job, but it’s my dream job I get to be a creative and be my own boss and I’m shamed that even with all that freedom I still let myself down.

overall I know I will get back on track cause I always do but a part of me is always scared that I’ll self sabotage (I do this it’s a pattern, but usually not to the point of no return if that makes sense)

I guess I just wanted to post to see who can relate.

It feels like my higher self is crying for my current self. I want to do well so badly, and I just find it heartbreaking how I’ll think I’m doing good but depression just hits randomly.

I could get back on meds but the physical symptoms were really bothering me & I wanted to be able to get on ADHD meds instead and the type of SSRI I was in couldn’t be mixed with the type of ADHD meds I want to get on.

I haven’t been smoking weed to try to help feel more energized but it hasn’t really made a difference tbh.

I just want to be my best self so so so badly but days like this scare me, I have unaliving ideation all day, I had to talk myself off a ledge. and I just feel pathetic!

Hello, I was wondering if anyone had help or advice to offer. I am diagnosed with PTSD sometimes get in states of high stress/anxiety and low energy. I know it doesn't have to be this way, but I am unsure what steps to take to find my way back. Sept 2023 after a serious of very unfortunate events, I had a PTSD episode of the sorts, but after I got myself together went back to school, made friends and got to a place where I felt really really good. Just full of life, energy, just overall feeling super comfortable in my own skin, not anxious about the past/future, and excited. The physical feelings of anxiety that usually felt like a weight on my chest were gone. I felt in tune with the universe. I would think to myself every is truly going to be okay, I know it and feel chills. This might sound silly, but one major difference I noticed is I was actually able to feel excited for other people's success. Like, cognitively I always have been able to think I am excited for others, but at this point in my life I was able to truly physically feel excited for others. I miss this feeling. From about January to August I felt just full of life and free, around the first or second week of school starting, I began to feel low energy, super anxious and fall into obsessive thought loops. I really want to be free of this, I just really want to get back to how I felt from Jan to mid Aug. I have much less energy, and am getting obsessive, and anxious I feel drained. I am fighting it, but I wanted to see if anyone had advice on how to fix this. I go to the gym, I journal, I usually get pretty good sleep, I practice gratitude, I meditate at least once or twice a week and deep breath throughout the day.

How many people experience time loss? Going an entire day with pieces missing?

Going in and out of dissociation?

I need to know I’ve I’m alone in this or if it’s more common then I think. Today I felt upset because my boyfriend ‘didn’t thank me’ for making him breakfast. I started to express my frustration and how I felt unappreciated. He expressed to me that he just did 30 minutes earlier before he ate his breakfast. He said he came behind me and kissed the back of my head. I have no memory of this. I have no memory of the 30 minutes after I made breakfast for him. Does this happen to others? The last thing I remember before I lost time was him asking me if the plate on the table was his and I felt irritation from him asking. It’s blank from there.

I’m 30 years old just started having repressed memories of CSA. It started out as somatic flashbacks or body memories of trembling and shaking years ago. I didn’t understand it at all and felt crazy. After 7 months of IFS I’m finally having visual memories. I thought I was losing my mind for so long and just wanted to let anyone who has or is experiencing the same thing to know you’re not alone. Healing is possible.

Hi yall, Ive been living in Hell since September when I “outted my abuser” I initially just wanted to be moved from my job (school job) because I couldn’t work near him. But yeah they banned him and he knew where I lived and lit up my car. I keep having extreme anxiety bc we live in the same town (but I moved to the city next to it but obviously everyone from that town comes to this city for the shopping and food. I have a fear of leaving my house and seeing him. I couldn’t press charges because I lack evidence and such so I’m really just trying to heal?. Everyday I’m in a deep depressive state with flashbacks of the SA abuse and the car situation. I can’t stop thinking about both situations, they replay in my head over and over. I have intense guilt from both situations since I never intended for him to get fired and shame/embarrassment from the boundaries he crossed when he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and I essentially had to give into the sex even though he knew I didn’t want to and I felt like I had to. Anyway I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Does anyone recommend any medication or methods of healing or ways to help me cope? I will be doing EDMR soon just waiting to hear back from the clinic.

What book is best out of “The Right to Innocence: Healing Sexual the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Assault” by Beverly Engel, “Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook” by Carolyn Ainscough, or “Repressed Memories: A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse” by Renee Fredrickson ???

Mine is kayaking. Heaven. I can't run haha.