My parents never loved me they abused me physically and mentally till i couldn’t love them or forgive them. Even as a child with epilepsy they didn’t have no mercy for me. My siblings didn’t want to include and neither my cousins.. i got bullied since kindergarten and I never had a genuine friend.. the only friendship I can speak of was with a girl I met in middle school and the friendship was one sided anyways. She claimed that she considered me her best friend but she hardly act like my friend to begin with I was merely her least favorite option if anything 🤮💔.·´¯(>▂<)´¯·. 20+ years later and I still mourn her and I still wish someday she would come back and treat me like her friend for once but that will never happen just like M would never response to me. He will never come back. No one I love ever comes back. They’re all glad to get rid of me. I have all those intense big feelings and huge longing for ppl who already moved on with their life. Fking hate feeling anything at all I just want to be emotionally dead or just Fking dead

Excerpt :

“ When the amount of pain assaulting the system can no longer be integrated, endorphins are mobilized to repress the experience and the memory of the event.

These endorphins, many times more powerful than commercially produced morphine, keep events out of full consciousness by interfering in the connection between feeling and the realization of feeling, between sensation and cognition.

Nonetheless the trauma remains in the system, full and intact: the person may be able to dissociate from the pain of his hand submerged in icy water, but the icy water nonetheless causes his vasomotor system to contract in pain.

Similarly a child may be able to dissociate from the pain of losing his mother for instance, but that pain still affects the child at a deeper level – be it through acting-out behavior, compulsive eating, chronic depression, or whatever.

In traumatic circumstances, the child may simply "numb-out." He is no longer emotionally reactive. He's inert, immobile, and emotionally "dead". He no longer suffers the horrendous pain of losing his mother. He goes on with life in a very "dead" fashion.

Nonetheless, there is always some physical manifestation of the presence of pain in the system, regardless of what one is consciously experiencing."

So yeah I brought up the fact I am diagnosed with the condition to a family member. This is the second time we discussed it. The first time was great. This time I was told it is more saw in soldiers who have gone to war. Has this ever happened to you?

I'd like to know if early stress/trauma can cause a disruption of the puberty phase testosterone secretion, so the male victim lose the ability to grow a beard?

I'm starting to realise that some things I've been trying to heal, can't be healed. And the stimming behaviours (I tend to flap around sometimes), lack of social understanding (even through constant exposure to social situations), constant fixations on cptsd, trauma, etc, my coldness and lack of affect even though I have known about cptsd and been attempting to recover for years, I think a lot of this is due to autism and is part of who I am.

Except the thing is, a year and a half ago a psychiatrist dismissed me for being eligible for a diagnosis because I was "recriprocal in conversation" even though I've seen so many level 1/high functioning autistics who can do this. Basically told me to work on healing for a while and see if anything changes. Well it's over a year later, and I'm basically struggling with the same shit.

I have a strong gut feeling I am level 1 autistic, and from experience my gut feelings are usually leading me to the right places. So I'm going to pursue another assessment. Anyone else feel the same?

I've been seeing my therapist for about a year now for a devastating break up. While working with them, I've been processing childhood trauma that I kinda just brushed under the rug my whole life because I didn't like it was that bad. Intellectually, I get whats going on but I'm still feeling stuck on this break up. My therapist suggested EMDR. I'm kinda nervous and skeptical about it. Anyone have experiences they would be open to sharing?

Most of my sexual partners have abused me, and now I feel disgusted that I ever let anyone have sex with me, or see my body. I went through a hyper sexual phase, which I know is normal, but honestly I feel so disgusted in myself. The thought of any sexual activity makes me want to throw up, even alone. I can’t stop flashing back to times where my body just got used as a toy. And it doesn’t help that there’s a huge wave of gen z boys ranting on social media about how women have lost their place as wives and mothers in society - I can’t even look at instagram without the risk of seeing a right winger being a rape sympathiser or some bullshit.

I'm pretty sure there many different types of isolation all levels of bad or good...

I lie in bed and think to myself not able to understand or realise just how alone I am. Idk like I have support yes I guess like idk..

I'm sure there are people going through worse isolation trips then I am which is a thought I need to stop thinking about.

I Ah idk don't have many words

I am so ashamed of myself and I hate this brain. I am autistic. I also grew up in a mad family with all sorts of issues, except financial.

Financially I had all the opportunities in the world to have a good life, but my stupid brain made me suffer the pains of hell instead. I also failed everything because of my autism.

It is hard to put into words the feeling that you were born with a brain that does not allow you a life, but this is what I feel.

My life has been horrible, I was constantly yearning for a parent and someone to take care of me because I literally couldn't make it on my own, because of fucking autism. I never had such person to rely on in my whole life. I just wanted someone on my side 😭

I acted in ways that make me want to instantly disappear for how insane, weird and naive I looked. I don't feel sane. I feel trapped in a brain that doesn't work. I am so aware of what's happening yet I can't do any better. It's a freaking curse.

I hate this, man...

This is a vent/question session.

Currently in talk therapy - 1 session a week. Therapist is WELL versed in complex trauma and has been so helpful. I was also late diagnosed ADHD (mid 40's female) and have the typical depression and anxiety fun that goes along with it. We have done some EMDR (primarily resourcing) and have had 2 sessions where we have done targeting. This has been since May. I worked remotely from home.

I was with a company for 3 years when me and my other coworker were put on probation for negative things said about the vice president of our department in private chats. Our manager had left and he was looking to rid the department of people who questioned him in the decisions he made. I'm not kidding when he said that he wanted loyalty and that we walk in lock step and don't question. When probation was about to be up, I felt really good about my performance. I had done all that was asked of me and kept my head down and worked. I had a few days here and there (especially at the start of therapy) where motivation was tough. But I always made up for it. Instead of letting me off probation, they let me go. I was paid for the month and thankfully found a new position in the same industry with a different company.

The director at this company was very disorganized. She wasn't sure as to what my role was going to actually be. She was told to just hire someone for the department. She would give me assignments, but not fully explain what she expected and then go back and check my work and tell me what all I did wrong. Please don't misunderstand, I am always open to criticism. How she said things was very... condescending. I've had others read over emails and messages from her that confirm the same. Sometimes in the way she asks questions, it can come across as very confrontational. Talking to her at times reminds me of my mother.

This month has been a busy month and I had a lot of tasks and emails with regards to pressing matters that required STAT attention. I handled all of that flawlessly. The one thing I didn't do, I was questioned about Thursday. I still don't know why I reacted this way or did this. But I lied about what all I had done. I wasn't expecting much of a dig further. And the way she asked me, I had a trigger and panicked. Never have been good at panic. She even gave me an opportunity to come clean and I just doubled down. So she had me send the spreadsheets I had allegedly done to the head of IT to "rebuild" what was missing. I felt HORRIBLE. I have never lied like that on anything on my job before. Yesterday around lunch time I received a call from her to tell me they had to let me go. But I was given a choice to resign or get fired.

I feel like such an utter piece of trash. An epic failure. Not worth my of much of anything. It makes me wonder HOW. How can one keep a job when they are also essentially having to relearn what it's like to be a human??? I know this is my fault and I had opportunity to tell the truth but chose not to. Again. Can't tell you why. Self preservation, maybe?

tl:dr; woman need to get her shit together

If I'm having a day where I'm struggling with flash backs, and feeling very weak and fragile , I just don't go outside, because I feel like people take my pain as weakness , and then I get more rudeness or negativity thrown in my direction.

But it feels isolating only going out when I'm feeling strong enough.

I feel like people can see right through me. And the main social advice is "look confident so people aren't so dismissive/rude/etc". I'm tired

I'm tired. I'm tired.

I feel like my body and mind isn't for me, but for others to get mad at or ignore or delight in or whatever.

It makes me feel like people are inherently unsafe and cruel and will only recognize my humanity when I'm not feeling in pain.

I am switching meds right now. I'm not DID, but when unstable, do have lots of voices in my head raging around. Young bits of me, b*tchy bits, bits telling me to do unsafe things. Do you guys have ANY idea what board that would be? Then I can delete this since it's not really quite CPTSD.

hi all, was wondering if anybody else does this. i was recently diagnosed (well i don't want to go down the full diagnosis route but my therapist has said my symptoms align with this) and im wondering if anybody else is constantly needing their symptoms validated. really i need everything in my life, not just with the disorder, validated for me to feel like im an ok person, but specifically im asking about the symptoms experienced with this disorder. is this a trauma response? is anyone else constantly questioning the validity of their diagnosis? or am i really a fraud who doesnt belong here. ive been through a lot in terms of family disfunction. i dont want to go into every detail but we would often get violent with each other (siblings and parents). it felt as if i was constantly on eggshells around my parents because something might set them off, specifically my mother. she would often punish me (grounding me, yelling at me, etc) if i expressed feeling sad or anxious, especially in relation to our family life. our food clothing and shelter was always provided for. we always got gifts on christmas and birthdays. they always showed up for school events and sports games. i knew my parents loved me because they said it, but i never felt it. all i could think as a child was how can i keep these people happy in this moment, and i remember pretty much living every moment like that. my therapist tells me that trying to perspective take from my parents POV is a contributor to my mental state today. that i skipped past feeling my own feelings and just felt theirs instead. i cant help but feel so much guilt over feeling upset about the past when there are good memories to think about too. that maybe if i just focus on the good the bad wont be so bad, and its my fault for my outlook on life. im just wondering what other peoples lives looked like and if you feel invalid because it wasnt "all bad".

I've been reading more about trauma dumping. But I'm wondering what the difference is between trauma dumping and just being in that dark space left from all the trauma? Until one starts moving through therapy, you're just going to be stuck in that dark space, unable to see any other perspective besides negativity.

Now that I'm moving through, I'm able to recognize when I'm in an acutely bad spot, and I just need some comfort in that moment. It helps when someone tags a post "vent/rant" or "seeking support," etc. I think this story (not an original A.A. Milne) illustrates the point:
https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2020/01/18/pooh-piglet-and-eeyore-the-power-of-presence/

With the recent negative posts and comments about therapy, I just wanted to let others who may have been a little triggered by them know that if you’ve seen some success in therapy—however that is you define success and whatever type of therapy that is—that doesn’t mean you didn’t really go through anything or that you didn’t have it that bad.

We all present differently, we’ve all been wounded differently, and we all heal differently. Therapy doesn’t work for everyone but it does work for some, and if you’ve had a good experience with it, it doesn’t mean the experiences that led you there are “less” than the experiences of someone who hasn’t had therapy work for them.

Not trying to call anyone out, but a few posts about puppy play and feeling like a stray dog really spoke to me.

No money, no partner, no job, and given my situation, I would be surprised if that changed soon. But I get too stressed being in charge of my own life 24/7. I'm so bad at it, and most of my parenting came from me and fictional characters I used as parents as a kid.

I just want someone, anyone in the world to have a use for me, and to care enough about me that they will give me things to do. I don't really think that exists in the form of a church or employer anymore, but I am willing to try anything.

Does anyone else have this need, and have you found a safe way of meeting this need? Sorry if this is weird to ask. I feel like I am only suited for ward life, but no ward in the world wants me.

For context, I am mentally ill, traumatised and (somewhat) disabled,

yet there is a small chance I could work in a store. Wish me luck?

Of course I worry that I won't be able to manage, but. :'/

Found a wholesome video that gave me hope. There's so much hopelessness and negativity in the world today (understandably), so I hope this video uplifts you and gives you renewed hope.

childhood trauma taught this North Carolina man to help others

Hey everyone,

I’m 17 and from a place where mental health isn’t taken seriously, so I’ve been dealing with a lot on my own. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression, but it always felt like something was missing. I had to stop therapy because my therapist wasn’t helpful and, honestly, a bit of a jerk.

I’ve looked into other conditions, but nothing ever felt right—until last night. I had a meltdown, feeling like I’d never belong anywhere, and ended up watching a video about CPTSD and Dissociation. By the end, I was in tears. Everything just clicked.

A bit about me: I’ve dealt with abuse from my family, been bullied, groomed at 13, and have no real close friends. I’ve felt disconnected for as long as I can remember, and no one’s ever taken it seriously. I turned to self-harm just to feel something, and I often feel like I’m not in control of my own body. Most days, it’s just survival mode, trying to get by. My memories are blurry and strange, like my brain doesn’t want me to remember things.

Finding out about CPTSD finally makes it all make sense. I feel like I’ve finally found a place where people understand. So glad to be here in this safe space.

I was bullied pretty badly in high school and faced racism. Anything from being addressed as the n word to being picked up and slammed to the ground while a friend of the main bully recorded me.

I’ve gotten a black eye from him even and nearly went blind. He faced no consequences as he was a master manipulator and people like him for being the high school "Jock”.

He always said sorry then repeated the behaviour and laughed with his buddies about it. He even made fun of my heritage (where my parents are from in Africa).

I get an apology about two years after high school and it (in my opinion) looked like an apology for himself. Sure, he said he’s sorry (he’s said it so many times it doesn’t hold value) and was more focused on saying in his apology "I understand you probably hate my guts".

I accepted the apology because my dad told me to.

Since then, I’ve been through addiction & other not-so-proud stuff I’m not interested in sharing here. I decided to message him after all these years (been about 10 now) and it was a friendly message. Leaning towards me calling him a lovely person and how I understand if he still feels bad for what he did to me and said I understand the message could go unseen but I just wanted to share.

He, yet again, said he feels bad about how he treated me and said I look like I’m doing well and he’s happy specifically for that.

I just asked him why he called me the n word all the time and would beat me up over it. I asked if he found racism funny at the time. He denied absolutely everything he did. I then sent him screenshots of how he use to speak to me and he said "Man, I don’t remember saying that, clearly I did though, there’s no denying that photo. I honestly don’t remember using that word with you or others. No one deserves that".

For the sake of convenience of this post I’ll make it short. We went back and forth over it (and he said "James, deep down, do you really want to message me day in day out about this? God doesnt want this for you man, im not him but i think hed want you to forigive and heal) and he then accused me of spreading rumours about him over the last two years that he r***d his ex and said how I can’t deny that as he has these messages pinned to my IP address.

I blocked him and unblocked him after an hour saying how crazy that sounds and specifically said the last time we spoke was in 2018/19 when he messaged me out of the blue. I then tell him if he has all that info, what does he plan on doing with it? And said intimidation and what he claims to be true do constitute grounds for legal action and said we can take this to court.

He says "James, for the hundredth time, I’m done with these conversations. Chao for now".

I said "for the record, I hope those things are not true Chris, I just can’t connect the dots on why you think it’s me who did that. Chao".

After a few days, I blocked him for good.

Any Advice would be appreciated and welcome

Background: I’m 20. I plan on moving out in a year and a half after I’ve gotten my degree and can afford to move out properly. I’m working full time to do this.

My problem is that I have cptsd from trauma surrounding my father’s abuse. Seeing him and being around him is incredibly triggering.

It makes me feel sick. Everyday it feels like I’m relieving my worst memories. Stuff like him threatening to beat me and chasing me down the halls because he lost his peanut butter then blamed me. I have nightmares about him.

I’ve talked to my mom about this when she tries to force me to hang out with him. She tells me that what my dad did/does is normal. She says he should’ve spanked me when I was a child instead of chasing me but that was the only thing she would’ve corrected. She laughed in my face when I told her I’d been diagnosed with cptsd. She said the psychologist that I see was crazy, because I apparently have no trauma. She always finds a way to diminish my abuse. She forces me to talk to my dad even outside of necessity. I understand that, I’m living in his house after all. It’s just really painful when a year ago he was calling me a bitch, cheating on my mom, and cornering me against walls so he could shout in my face. It’s also hard that she says that I’m not being abused when I know in my bones that that’s what it is.

I want to rip my hair out. To cope with this I starve myself, I self harm. I have nothing in my life besides school and work. When I do have free time I spend it drawing how I want my future place to look.

I have caretaker fatigue from my narcissistic parents and now that I'm away from them.. I stupidly got a cat thinking love would be enough to want to care for him.

I take care of my cat's nutrition, affection need and hygiene, of course. But my brain seemed to have registered playtime with him as caretaking. I barely play with him. My husband and inlaws step in to play with him but I can tell that he wants it from me.

And the worst part is, whenever he gets sick once or twice a year, I hate it. I hate taking care of him. It makes me want to curl in my bed and cry. I still do take care of him obviously, like taking him to vet, giving him medicine, cleaning his diarrhea/throwups. I do it because he's my child, my fatigue is not his fault and he deserves a quality life.

But how do I get over the dread and caregiver fatigue? Please help. I asked my therapist but she's not helping me much on it.

I ended up blocking the person because why waste energy arguing with someone like this.

Was anyone else here first diagnosed with CPTSD quite a long time ago?

I was diagnosed at the Maudsley Hospital, which is an NHS hospital in London. The diagnosis was by a psychiatrist named Dr Felicity de Zuluetta, who had actually founded the Traumatic Stress department at that hospital.

She diagnosed me with CPTSD and DDNOS in early 2008, after extensive assessments (we met 3 times, and each time the assessment was quite lengthy).

I just looked her up and see she is still quite active in the field of trauma. This is her:

https://actiontrauma.com/speaker/felicity-de-zulueta/

If a person finds out they have stage 1 or stage 2 cancer, does that mean someone only in later stages deserves treatment? Because it’s stage 1 or 2, does someone with early stages of cancer not get their treatment and then deserve to be punished for getting treatment for it because it hasn't reached stage 3 or 4? Does the doctor tell the patient with stage 1 or stage 2 cancer that they are overreacting because "it could've been worse" or "it hasn't been bad enough"?   No, for cancer, if you catch it early and treat it you can prevent it from spreading to other parts of your body. The exact same principle applies to emotional neglect,trauma and narcissisic parents. Catch it early and do everything possible to treat it and stop the progression. Unlike cancer, emotional neglect is contagious. Just like this example, just because it is stage 1 or 2 does not make it less bad enough. Some of you might think your parents aren't that bad becuase they provided you with food a home or clothing as compared to someone who hasn't been cared for just your situation is different from someone dosent take away the trauma you experienced

The only person I seem to be hanging on for is my boyfriend who I’m always convinced secretly hates me and finds me boring.

And it’s not like the trauma ever stops I’m actively being tormented by everything around me, and I don’t know when it’ll ever stop. I have friends who have dealt with worse and still seem to be hanging on. I feel so pathetic when I compare myself to them and how I can’t even be able to compose myself in the morning without crying of dread.

Is anyone here in therapy and knows that feeling of being on the verge of an emotional breakdown? I feel pretty much at my limit; it’s so exhausting to hold back my feelings, but it’s happening subconsciously, and I can’t really do anything to change it. I guess it’s okay that not too much comes out all at once and that things regulate themselves, but hell do I feel Roots of Sepultura right now it gives me goosebumps!

Just wanted to ask if anyone has gone through a similar phase? It feels really lonely being stuck in this process and I would reqlly appreciate some company. Thanks folks

I'm deeply scarred by my many NLovers and my mother. I can't recall a moment in my life when I felt cared for and loved. Even tough I do know how to love unconditionally it could be just that I don't find myself worthy of getting any kind of affection back. I do work on setting boundaries in an effort to heal myself but.. even like that, even not getting anything in return, I still fear somebody using it against me yet againn..

You, I've only known you for a week.... I'm almost 40, in a broken body with no hope left of feeling joy after rushing trough all my stages and goals .. you're barely in your 30s and just starting to ground yourself after a life's turmoil and eager to advance. What a mismatch, and how can we both be so afraid of love to dare believe someone else not to betray what innocence is left?. it's gonna hurt either way, might as well try one last time, right?

Or it might all be an illusion from a decaying mind, so desperate to be seen that I'd be willing to put my neck within your possibly dangerous hands... it's gonna hurt either way, might as well try one last time, right??

What I dont understand yet is... why do I feel like I'm yours so damn fast? In a week! Maybe even less... I've fallen in love about 5-6 times, never took less then a month.... is this the real deal? That marvelous feeling of belonging inside your eyes..... it might just be the perfect bait to lure me into your cruel embrace.... I can't find any other explanation for falling so fast and so strongly.... it's gonna hurt either way, might as well try one last time, right?????

If I am to be destroyed....I rather have my demise finding me asleep in your arms.... you'll be the doom of me, of that much I'm sure, my love that I would never dare call mine, since I give myself to you willingly, regardless of my father.

We might be both as afraid and thirsty for the love we reflect a thousand times between our eyes, or just a feverish autumn night dream... it's gonna hurt either way, might as well try one last time, right?????

I don't really mind anymore since I gave you the last pieces of my heart willingly, makes no difference if you cherish it or deny it, as long as you refrain from being cruel.... I'm yours and I would never dare call you mine.... but... if I were to find you inside a mutual dream...I would never let you go.

hello i need help, or insight to see if this is a shared experience ?

i know i need professional help but right now there is a shortage of mental help professionals in my area so i’m just waiting on some wait lists right now, and just want to be pointed in the right direction or at the very least listen to other people’s experiences.

i am diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD and autism if that is relevant at all.

i have these moments where i completely forget who i am for a brief while. i either forget who i am completely and cannot recognize my surroundings for a while, or i seem to regress into a younger or past version of myself. these are short lasting and seem to happen when i experience extreme emotional stress of some sort. i can recall what happened mostly during that period of disassociation(?) afterwards. my body feels extremely floaty and fuzzy when this happens

has anyone experienced anything like that? it feels really embarrassing and i just would like to know if anyone else has experienced it. srry for being brief i can elaborate if needed

Honestly several trigger warnings: suicide, intimate partner abuse, addiction, and probably more.

I am a 35 year old male. I feel creepy even just typing that. I feel like people innately view me as automatically unsafe now. I feel like it automatically discounts me from many conversations.

I've never felt like I belonged. I've always felt like an alien. I would often wonder in my teens years if I were not literally an alien. For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to be somebody else. Someone acceptable. Someone normal. Someone beautiful and approachable and desirable. No where has ever felt like home. This strong sense of alienation and isolation has permeated my existence for as long as I can remember. I don't belong anywhere.

I can't connect with others. It's like there's a plastic sheet between me and everyone else. I can see you, I can even touch you...but I can never truly feel you. There's an invisible barrier that prevents me from ever truly connecting with someone else. I always hold a part of myself in reserve. I never fully let anyone know the full, real me. If they knew what a monster I was they would never speak to me again, and honestly I've been ghosted, abandoned for less.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I took a few selfies the other day and I didn't recognize the person in the photo. It looked like my uncle, it looked like someone else, I couldn't relate it to myself. I don't even know what my values are anymore. I used to be an evangelical fundamentalist Christian, but I studied my way out of the faith. I simply learned things I could never go back from, about who/what/when/where the Bible was written. Then I thought I had reconstructed my values... but I guess I lost those too.

I just got out of a relationship with the love of my life. It's probably been 2 months. I think about her every day. I love her more than anything, but I think she consumed me and erased everything I had built up. I had to leave her. She is a wonderful person, but she had more problems than I could deal with. She had histrionic personality disorder, DID, CPTSD, ADHD, and was an alcoholic. I knew her in high-school and I was in love with her from the moment I saw her. The first day of high school. She was so beautiful it arrested the breath in my lungs.

We met again in a bar, on the day before my birthday, November 12th in 2021. She was smashed and insisted I fuck her right there on the bar. The entire encounter made me embarrassed and uncomfortable, but she said she couldn't remember where she lived so I took her home and set her up on the couch outside my room. She kept wanting to do things with me, but I knew she couldn't consent and I could never take advantage of her. I had protected her this way in my 20's too, from other guys. She just needed to be safe and sober up.

When she sobered up we trauma bonded about her horrific past and all of these things hurt me so deeply. I loved her so much and I couldn't begin to believe all she had been through. Assuming any of it was true. She would basically invalidate anything I tried to share about myself so I became a ghost.. I never really talked about myself or my past because she had always had it worse.

She cheated on me, I caught her in the act, she explained it away. She lied to me constantly. She drank, every single day. No matter the weather or circumstances. I was an enabler. I handled everything so poorly. I had never experienced anything like this. My previous longest relationship was 7 months when I was 20. Everything else was online and always fades out or got ghosted. I've never had luck on dating apps.

She would hit me, scream at me, call me names, and if I ever stood up for myself she would become the victim. I couldn't do anything right. It wasn't all bad though. That's the worst part. Some days were so nice and so beautiful. A false hope of what could be. Some days she worked hard to clean the house or just help out. 80% of the relationship she was unemployed. I supported us both. At best I was making 20/hr... usually less. I lost several jobs because she never respected my boundaries and I was never able to enforce them. I couldn't be late yet was late every single day.

It was heaven. I was finally loved. I was told how hot I was all the time. She was loving and caring and there for me. We had a lot of genuinely good times, visiting places I had never seen, doing new things and of course just watching new movies and shows I'd never heard of or watched.

It was hell. Being manipulated constantly. Guilt tripped. I felt trapped. She needed me. She was killing me with stress. I was the only one with a car. She would berate me, verbally and physically abuse me, I was dying.

It's all over now and I don't know what to do. Everything seems pointless. Who wants an overweight 35 year old man? My standards are completely fucked. My brain has been rotted from porn and I don't know if I can undo the damage. She was perfect. 5'3" and 90-120 lbs depending on how she was eating. She had some eating disorders too. She had petite hands and feet. She wore a women's size 6 shoe.

I hate the way I think about everything. I hate who I am and what I like and what I value. I like petite busty blonde bimbos. You can't say that right? You can't talk about that. You're not supposed to feel like that, right? It's objectifying and dehumanizing right? I don't know how to fix it and it scares me. Why can't I just take people as they are? What is wrong with me? Sabrina Carpenter is the ideal girl, but what if she had 2500cc's. How do I even begin to fix my brain?

I feel like a disgusting monster. I also feel like a hollow skeleton haunting the halls of my own home. I only come out at night and my eye sockets feel empty. I feel like I've scraped out all of the meat and bones and there is nothing left but an existential, never ending, burning ache at the center of my being. It's like constantly burning alive from the inside and it exists in a dark void that permeates every fiber of my being. My heart is nothing but shattered glass but none of the shards I hold in my fingertips have a reflection. Trying to piece myself back together again but the shards don't fit together and most of it has been turned to dust with time. My inner world is a parched, barren landscape with no living thing but a blaring overhead sun that burns everything. There is no shade and no relief, no water or oasis to rest and quench one's thirst. Only endless wandering in a wasteland with no direction and no end.

I used to be an artist and I used to write and draw and create and I used to express my pain and then I realized that nobody cared. All the movies about a sensitive, artsy guy who feels things were a lie, and girls don't actually want that kind of person. I lost my voice eventually. I stopped being able to express anything at all. I was just numb.

I'm afraid of the darkness within. I'm afraid of consuming others. Yes, console me, love me, validate me, see me... but it's never enough. The eternal insecurity that if they ever know the real you they will run for the hills screaming, the need to reach out and make sure everything is okay, that you haven't done or said anything wrong, hypersensitive to any changes in tone or behavior. Never knowing what normal feels like. It's never enough to satisfy. Give me all of you, your time, your attention, your love, your body, your heart, your mind, your soul... and it's never enough. The insatiable hunger for connection that can never be met. There's always an invisible barrier, and always a part of myself I hold back, because if you really knew the real me, you couldn't even identify me as human.

Every time I wake up my first thought is "I am going to kill myself." If you have somehow managed to read all of this I can't blame you if your first thought is "good". The first thought before I go to sleep is "I am going to kill myself." I have a plan too. I think the only thing saving myself is that I am too stupid to figure out how to do anything by myself. What a worthless life to be saving. Others have died for far less.. why should they die and I live? What right do I have to go on? I have a plan and I don't even know how to actually carry it out. I used to have an opiate addiction. I've been sober/clean for 10 years. Fet is everything now though, so a relapse would almost certainly be lethal. I just don't know anyone who sells or how to find them.

Pathetic right? I have no direction. No higher education. No dreams or ambitions. I didn't think I would live this long. It feels impossible to find "love" again and honestly who could love someone like me? I don't even have a point in writing this. Just venting to the void I guess. People kept telling me "it gets better, just hang on." When?

I was in therapy.. for years. I did a DBT course and took it seriously. I worked hard at therapy. I stopped being able to afford it. I lost myself in that relationship. I lost my values. I guess the only thing I believe in would be that I don't want anyone else to experience what I've been through. I want to protect vulnerable people from trauma. But what kind of delusion is that? What am I? Some kind of hero. I couldn't even protect myself, much less her. It will happen to me again and it will happen to others and there's nothing I can do about it.