This is the 8th therapist and I got better but my therapist and I are rocky grounds cause I feel bulldozed by her and overwhelmed and my own thoughts move too fast for us to address all of them so I never get to know her thoughts about all of them and I’m giving up

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have a beautiful daughter together. Over the last 6 months I'd say, he has not stopped asking me intrusive questions about my past. Whether it's about why I did certain things when I was enduring sexual abuse when I was aged 12, 13 and 15 or about 'casual partners' I'd had when I'd just left an all round abusive relationship 4 years ago and had no one around me. He says he can't help it, that he thinks he has adhd and just blurts things out. He says he has retroactive jealousy as well. I do understand how that feels because I have experienced it, however he crosses the line time and time again saying he won't do it anymore. He wants to know details again and again, wants to know why I did it again and again, after I've already explained it all and found sources online to further explain why chronic abuse for your whole life (from my family and the police as well) leads to certain things. He says it won't happen again I say it will because you've already said that a dozen time then inevitably it does happen again. I've said he needs to make a Dr appointment to get help, he hasn't done that at first it was that he didn't know how so he needed me to do it for him and recently he's said it's because if he gets up that early on a work day (he works 4pm-11.30pm mon-fri then 12-7pm Thurs then 6am-3pm Friday) that he won't be able to get back to sleep and will be tired all day. However if I'm up for having sex with him early hours of the morning tiredness isn't an issue, even on a Friday. I spent 12 weeks in a mother and baby psychiatric hospital last year due to postpartum depression mixed with bpd and complex ptsd and him asking questions made my stay longer I feel. They are questions like 'but why would you do it if you'd gone through that in the past I don't understamd' or why wouldn't I have stood up to the perpetrator when I was a child. Last night he said I hadn't actually explained why I'd had the phase of casual sex to him when as mentioned before I have time and time again. He wanted to know details that weren't even relevant that I've told him before (how many times I initiated it and how many times they did). He can say victim blaming things without realising in his opinion. For example last night he asked again why I was interested in 'scumbags' and then when I said that's degrading to me he said 'you did it to yourself'. Another time I made a comment about one reason I don't like giving head (most of it is from trauma) and he said alright just because you've had 30 dicks in your mouth (I haven't had that many in my mouth but besides the point). He said it while laughing then a few minutes after was apologising because I was having flashbacks from when I was 12 and was made to do that. He experiences intrusive thoughts about the guys I've been with which I do empathise with but honestly it's breaking me down that I keep being asked a lot of things about all of it. The topic doesn't have to be brought up either he will just come out with questions sometimes. He has apologised for it says he can't help it and he doesn't want to upset me but how much more can I take? Lately I've been having flashbacks about that casual time as it was retraumatising (a lot of people who have been through extensive trauma will understand why these things happen and that they are in no way enjoyable). I don't know how much of that is me processing the trauma or if it is because it's been asked about so many times. He's said in the past that he wants to look at my DBT worksheets but hasn't done until last night when he said he will begin using one of the skills claiming that will help him to not ask questions. I've said I don't owe him anything especially when I've answered so many times and he says he knows that and he's sorry but how much more can I take? We have family conferencing being arranged but I don't know how much that is going to be able to help. I have a long history of suicide attempts and cannabis use because of the trauma and if I didn't have a daughter I'd be in crisis in some way or another. have had a lot of therapy and working on myself has really helped me. Yet my boyfriend who is generally a very loving person and a great dad keeps doing this. He really claims that he can't help it and doesn't want to make me feel like shit but how much can I take before the only answer is to leave?

I need some advice because I’m stuck between staying and leaving a situation that’s making me feel really uneasy.

I moved to a new place to work with a friend who offered to help train me in her field. I was really hopeful because she seemed supportive, and I thought this would be a great opportunity. But over time, I’ve started feeling deeply uncomfortable with her behavior.

She’s admitted to lying to people and manipulating situations to get what she wants, and she speaks badly about almost everyone except her children. That alone has made it hard for me to trust her fully. At times, she’s incredibly warm and kind to me, telling me how happy she is that I’m here, that she worries about me, that she wants me to stay. Other times, she feels cold, dismissive, or distant, and I can’t predict when that shift will happen.

I confronted her about this and asked for truthfulness and consistency, but I don’t think she really understands how much this affects me. Recently, she was cold and dismissive toward me on the phone, and that was kind of the last straw. I decided I don’t want to stay if I have to deal with this emotional instability.

But now, she’s suddenly being incredibly kind again, which is making me second-guess everything. I don’t know if she’s doing this intentionally to pull me back in or if this is just how she is. I also don’t know if I’m overreacting because I tend to be very sensitive and struggle with trust.

Another thing that’s been eating at me is this constant fear that she secretly hates me and talks badly about me behind my back. I worry that she’s only acting friendly in front of me because, for whatever reason, she wants to use me, but deep down, she finds me annoying, sensitive, and demanding and actually can’t stand me. I can’t shake this thought, and it’s making it even harder to know what’s real.

I’m torn. On one hand, this feels like a rare opportunity, and I don’t know if I’ll find another person willing to train me in this way, especially since I’m super sensitive, and struggle to work literally anywhere. I want to add that we’ve known eachother for 10 years. On the other hand, I don’t feel safe or secure in this relationship, and I don’t know if that’s something I can, or should, push through.

Would you stay and try to make it work? Or is this an unhealthy dynamic that I should walk away from?

Would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you so much!

TW: Suicidal Ideation

TW: CoCSa

TW: Intimate Partner Abuse

hello all, i'm new here and very new to using reddit in general. i've read reddit posts but never made a post - let alone an account, so i beg for a bit of grace if i am making any format faux pas here.

now for the reason i'm here - for context my daughter is grown with a special needs child of her own and lives at home with us for support. she was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts and self harm and was in therapy until she was about 17.

only about 5 years ago did she actually reveal to me she was a victim of CoCSa at 13 years old, at the hands of her male cousin (the nephew of my partner) who is only a year older than her and the 'golden first born son' of the family. needless to say i was absolutely floored, but it explained so much.

i viewed this boy as a son of my own and welcomed him into my home as such. i was so careful with her even around family because the way our world is you always have to be with children. i guess i had a blind spot when it came to the thought of a child doing this to another child.

she never wanted to get into it, and never wanted me to say anything to the family and i don't blame her given the fact the family believes the sun rises and sets on this man's ass. i chewed on my lip and grit my teeth to honor her choices because frankly i wanted to go after this man.

so now the situation - this past year has been an upheaval for her. she and her long time partner have finally ended things for good. a blessing as the relationship was very toxic and abusive and also contributed to what I believe is PTSD. but still it's a huge change for her after 13 years on and off with this person.

more changes - we have moved into a bigger and safer home, again a blessing but it added financial stress. and then she had to leave her job leaving her without income - add to it her own child's growing special needs and it has been a lot. I believe it is the amalgamation of these things that have led her to increased panic attacks and nightmares more severe than she's had in years.

she's finally telling me more about the assaults, opening up because she wants me to understand why she is acting this way. locking her door at night even though it's only us in the house, staying up to avoid sleep - which in turn makes her sleep all day and miss time with her child - which then in turn leads to friction with her father - my partner. he understands but allows his own stressors and attitude about work and mental health lead him sometimes. i won't make excuses for that, only lay out the facts. she's irritable, angry, depressed, and often dissociates from everything around her.

all completely understandable. and now i've been drowning in everything, the new information just breaking my soul, and just wanting to go back and protect her. everything is pulling me under i wish i could help her more, but therapy is expensive and she currently doesn't have a job and can't afford insurance.

she still doesn't want me to tell the family. there is a family event and this man's wife wanted to have it in our home and i said 'no' immediately. and then my partner asked to take our grandchild to the event that is now being held elsewhere and i said no to that too. i don't want my grandchild near him. i get that the family wants to see the child, but they don't know why i refuse to be near this man. the seething anger i have for him, i wish i could just tell them - again he's their 'golden boy'. but i will honor her wishes.

anyway this has been a long ramble and i hope it is okay i ranted here. i'm open to any resources about CoCSa and CPTSD if indeed it sounds like that is going on with her. if anyone could help point me in the right direction that would be lovely. even if you just read and let me know how it feels on the other side of the wall.

As long as I can remember excessively talking and oversharing has been my main coping method. I feel like my trauma is a large heavy black stone in my chest that I can only release by pouring it out verbally. I know that I trauma dump and make people uncomfortable, but I don't know any other option. But not talking makes me feel like I suffocate. I've tried talking to a therapist but it doesn't have the right effect bc I know he's simply paid to listen. He doesn't listen bc he's actually interested. I've also tried to talk to myself and just imagine that people are listening, but that doesn't work either. Any other ideas?

this is really stupid, but i need help.

i just turned 18 when i started getting thoughts of how as a kid i used to be overly sexual.

i would act out "that" using dolls, and telling my friends about it. ever since a kid i would also be scared of "that", whenever i thought my parents were doing it i would cover my ears and cry for no reason. and from the age of 7 i would regularly touch myself. and i would search up weird things, things relating to someone being dominant, or having control over something weaker , i went to therapy and told my therapist that sometimes i would get uncomfortable around kids, like i shouldn't be around them. and she said that wasn't regular, so in my next meeting i might go further with this. i'm a female, and i feel like whenever i talked to my sister about this, she said nothing ever happened as a kid that she knew about.

if you were SAed is there any signs i can look for? i keep getting these "memories" that i don't even know are real, and i'm driving myself insane, this sounds really stupid especially since i don't even know if i was, but this doesn't seem regular.

Today I was chatting with lab mates, we were speaking about the other mate, on how he’s really good at his work and he started after us but he’s graduating and starting a new job. We all kinda agree he’s build differently, but inevitably makes us feel bad about ourselves, we can be conscious about these thoughts and not let it bother us. And then I said this also makes me work even harder, everyone stared at me and said no. I understand their concerns because I barely took any day off or holidays for years, but that’s my (toxic) survival instincts. Ever since I could speak, I have been learning to channel all the humiliation and resentment into pushing myself forward or else that would break my spirits decades ago. It is a very effective survival mechanism.

I wanted to ask if anybody else here has attempted reonciliation with abusive family members and if so, what came of that for you? Did they acknowledge how they abused you and have endeavoured to better themselves and how they treat others (or have said they would but didnt)? Was it overall a positive thing to attempt, or was it a waste of time? Was it better to have stayed away?

In recent years I completely severed ties with the abusive family members that so thoroughly traumatised me and made me the scapegoat of the family. One of them in particular has apparently been profoundly upset by this, which I have only really just been informed of. I have some others close to me (unrelated to the abusive family) have suggested and are encouraging me to attempt to reconcile with said person, saying that it would "resolve" and "give closure" to a lot of how I feel, but I think they're missing the point. I severed ties with those people after I managed to move out and escape from their abuse, I don't want to reconcile, I want to be left alone.

I therefore wanted to ask what others experiences of this are, much as I feel incredibly uncomfortable about the prospect of even attempting this.

I don’t know why I’m here I don’t really use Reddit I’m sorry I just don’t have anywhere else to go nobody else who will listen and nothing that can help Im 20 years old and I think the CPTSD I suffer from can never be helped or fixed or anything. Therapists have said my only option left is to try EMDR and hope for the best. Among many other traumatic experiences, I was raped several times by several different people from the ages of 3 to 18. Most notably, I was raped a few times at 17 by a socially and financially powerful boyfriend I thought (and still think :/) was my soulmate. This wasn’t that traumatic, but when I tried to report it to the police after, I was silenced by countless people and threats with lots of money behind them. I’m not trying to relive my trauma or go on and on about anything, it’s just context. I haven’t been able to sleep more than 3 hours at a time since I was 17. Most nights, I get horrifying nightmares of random situations where I have to run away as fast as possible. Some nights, I get dreams where that boyfriend comes back and we find a way to live our lives together despite our past. I haven’t been able to be around men for 3 years now. When I go outside, my heart rate rises so high that I often have to devote all my energy to slowing my body down so I don’t pass out from the sudden blood pressure. So I don’t go outside. I was supposed to be at an Ivy League studying math/engineering and now all I can do is lock myself inside and hope that nothing happens. I’ve lost everything. I have been feeling hopeless for almost the entire time I’ve been alive but at least I had something to work with then. I don’t know what else is left for me in this state and I can’t afford EMDR. I spend all my time daydreaming about my rapist. Either apologizing, or getting back with me, or being tortured by me, getting hit by a car, whatever. Just daydreaming to daydream and I can’t make it stop no matter how hard I try I can’t think about ANYTHING else and it’s been years. I can’t find myself talking about anything else other than that male. I know he’s not the only source of my trauma yet it seems like he’s the only thing I’ve ever been through. I want it to stop I don’t know how to make it stop other than the obvious but I don’t want my death to have no meaning I don’t want it to reflect the power that men have. Men are scum. I just want to feel better I want to progress in life I want to do good things I want accomplishments and qualifications but I can’t even step outside of my apartment. I’m sorry thank you if you read this far lol I won’t come back my resolve is just feeling at its limit and I need someone to hear it even if they don’t know me. Thank you :)

She saw the boxes and is all of a sudden interested in my personal life. I have no energy, but I keep pushing myself.

i’m 22 and i cannot look at childhood photos of myself. it makes me sad and triggers my cptsd, and i feel like the child in those photos isn’t me. it’s weird because i know it’s me, i remember the photos being taken, but i feel no connection to them. the only thing it does is trigger me and make me sad.

Hi, first time posting here. When i was a child i was always told i was very grown up, very silent, shy but now (Im 20 atm) i have gotten quite playfull, loud and outcoming. Im more happy now than i was back than, as a child i was bullied and i grew up in a troubled family. And now im wondering if this change in behaviour is related in anyway to Trauma i may have had.

Genuinely it feels like every time I get mad, it just makes shit worse. Mad at someone else? You screwed up, nobody likes you. Mad at something inanimate? You done fucked up, it's broken now because you couldn't just withhold your rage.

Every time I feel it, it immediately fucking explodes into a boom of loud, spiteful swearing, and I always come out the other side hating myself more for it. I'm even considering just quitting my Prozac medication just because I'd rather feel a constant overwhelming fear and depression than be this dangerous to everyone around me including myself.

I have been struggling with CPTSD for a long while and today was very rough, I'll spare details but basically I remembered some stuff that feels like it has flipped my world upside down. I've been spaced out for the last few hours and I've decided I wanna try out an audio book of some sort. I've been told that they can be great but that there is a lot of them that feel like they're talking at you as opposed to to you. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to comment or message me. I would also appreciate if all recommendations are ones that stray away from any sort of religious messaging seeing as a lot of my issues relating to the recovered memories involve the church. Thank you!

If you found out your child was being sexually abused. Would you hold your tiny child down on the couch with your adult man body and scream in their face, demanding answers and making accusations, ensuring your child will never tell you about anything ever again?

Yeah, me neither.

My post was downvoted here for saying I was coming up on a 1 year anniversary of a traumatic event that I was scared would happen again, and I was looking for advice. I got told people were downvoting me because I'm not "far enough along in my healing journey".

Kind of makes me feel like crap not gonna lie. This isn't a big deal as it's just people on the internet but it does remind me of old wounds I'm still carrying.

To the other people here that are feeling vulnerable, I want to apologize on behalf of people who have dismissed your feelings. Some people do really care. Healing isn't linear. A slip up isn't a failure, you haven't gone back to square one.Trust and rely on yourself because you are the only stable person in your own life. You got this!

I am shaking a little as I write this because I had a very intense crying session over my trauma and how I want to kill myself and how I am a so undeserving of life and how living is only bringing me more pain and triggers.

Anyone else has grown to resent the country where they grew up to the point - they had to move overseas in order to improve their mental wellbeing?

Grew up with a lot of hostility mainly due to a lot of prejudice and hate which made me hypervigilance and anxious all year round. After a few years living abroad I've come back home and just feel lost in life. Add in the past few years of working in corporate and being mistreated and bullied, now I've grown to absolutely resent living here the people just everything.

I even moved to a different city and I still have this gut feeling of needing to move countries in order to feel 'free' again. I've tried my hardest to practice being grateful as I am very very fortunate to be living where I am but I can't help feeling really our of place where I am from. I plan to move permanently to north America in the next few years once I get my life sorted.

Anyone experienced the same and then moved countries? What was your experience before and after? Thank you.

So, today I will try and a have solo MDMA session, with hopes of uncovering and going through some stuck feelings and trauma, which I only recently discovered exists and rules my life.

Now, here's the trick - this isn't my first time doing MDMA. Like many people I guess, I first tried it at parties, but then discovered that this incredible feeling amplifies even more when I pair it with my favorite escape - porn and self pleasuring. There were some indescribable moments of fulfillment and going deep with pairing these along with some more substances and content tailored to these states was what actually led me to the insight that these sessions weren't just hedonic vacations from the everyday life, but my own coping mechanism going overboard; trying to fill that gaping hole of inadequacy and shame I always kinda felt. And here I was thinking I was with a completely normal, even privileged childhood and just knew how to enjoy myself. Life is funny that way, and the takeaway from my last session was that I didn't really love myself - not really and perhaps not ever - which came as a shock to my ego. Instead of love there was some pleasure and mostly shame.

Anyway, this time I'd really like to keep it kosher and give myself some real love so I can finally move on. I've read MDMA solo book and many posts and resources I could find online.

Obviously, intentions are super important. Abstaining from touching and 'feel good' porn content too. But should I completely forbid myself this shame and or maybe allow myself some of that pleasure too, while staying open and investigating this feeling of shame if it comes, early on or on comedown? Maybe I am just looking for excuses here and avoiding the real work, who knows.

What would you do, and how would you structure your session having this in mind?

Thank you.

i myself got abused by narcissist people one being my parent and a close friend and both experiences were awful and made me want to commit suicide in the past

normally i get angry easily and stand up for myself and i wish death upon my narc abuser but i do still recognize the mental illness and why and how people with npd have been traumatized and do the things they do

so i was going through that npd subreddit briefly and it actually made me tear up to read some of the posts there just because it seems like an awful life to have

it doesn't seem to me like they hurt others out of pure joy it seems like they do it to keep away the bad feelings they have

I do still have some mixed feelings since I got threatened with death by my mom and I can never forgive her but I do feel bad about the mental illness part

I know people who HATE this concept and found it really invalidating that their trauma was called "small t" by a therapist. In some cases it was due to experiencing something that was considered small t as worse for them personally than something else they experienced that was called big T. However for me I found it validating to hear that things I experienced that are dismissed as normal or not that bad are still considered trauma and can still have a severe negative effect. It seems ridiculous to me to put some things a person could experience in the same category as my parents yelling at me and waters down those other things. I either don't have big T traumas or have relatively few depending on where you draw the line between big and little. I was diagnosed with CPTSD by my old therapist. I have trouble feeling that the things I experienced were actually bad and that I deserve to heal when other people went through worse things. I've been struggling with that same concept for many years. No matter how many times people tell me otherwise I can know it intellectually but can't really feel it. There are a lot of things I can know intellectually but cannot feel. I know that a lot of people find the ACES score super validating and helpful and I found it super invalidating because none of the trauma I experienced as worst was on there. I have between 0-4 depending on how you count them. So some people can find something validating and helpful whereas others do not.

I have noticed when doing cardio during the day, my sleep problems are worsened. I understand it might happen because of the increased heart rate etc., but nightmares keep waking me up all night even though there are many hours between exercise and sleep, and plenty of time to calm down. The nights are bad for about three days after the exercise. Do you think this will improve if I keep going with the training? Will the body realize it is not dangerous? Or might it all just get even worse? Previously when i have been really stressed and burnt out my sleep got so bad i started hallucinating, so im cautious. I have been doing cardio for a few weeks now.. Maybe someone have talked about this with a therapist or have been through it themselves?

I feel like I have cPTSD but have often thought I have ADHD.

My most pressing issue is procrastination and not being able to do work tasks.

But there are lots of other issues too but this one is the main one I can't seem to avoid (I need to work to get money to live!).

So how does procrastination due to CPTSD and ADHD differ, or do they differ?

Is there a way to get over CPTSD procrastination?

Would ADHD meds help for CPTSD?

I could get an ADHD diagnosis and medication even though I'm not sure I have it, but would the meds help if I didn't have ADHD and it was CPTSD?

Thanks!

I feel like we have superpowers. I've never been able to relate with humans, but I can relate to almost everything said here.

All I'm suggesting is that we have a secret password, a handshake and a meeting place so we can outsurvive everyone else and break the cycle forever!

i thought mine was normal up until i was like 14? 15? and looking at traumacore stuff, probably. something clicked and over these last five-ish years, i recalled the different types of abuse i’ve been through & all the other little shitty things that added up.

i still don’t think it was that bad bc i don’t really have a frame of reference to go off of. pretty much everyone i know and have known haven’t come from good families either.

at this point it’s more surprising to me if someone does have a good family. like, the idea that people have parents who are actually attuned to their emotional needs and who really, truly care about their wellbeing enough to talk about things with them and to validate their feelings is baffling to me. like, You Guys Have Good Parents?

Living in the same tiny city where my abusers live. Working in the same company (but different department) where an ex-manager harassed me and previously isolated me, and sharing apartment (room with no door) with someone who did nothing wrong but triggers me for having affiliated with my abusers.

It's just so overwhelming, there's no safe place in my daily life right now and I can't afford to move since in other cities of my tiny country wages are lower and rent expensive.

I’ve had many friends throughout my 18 years of life. decent ones, awful ones, entire groups of fake friends who turned out to despise me, friends who left me without reason. friends i pushed away, or was toxic to. a friend who has stayed for 7+ years and stuck by my side.

i don’t think i ever knew how friendship worked. i never had the experience of casually hanging out with my friends outside school until i was 15+ and able to take a bus. i never knew the concept of showing up at your friend’s house whenever, and being close to their family. most of my days i spent hiding in my room, trying to urge myself to do something productive, begging my brain to let me focus and do my homework, and replaying parts of my past on repeat in my brain in an attempt to understand myself.

i moved to london a few months ago, which was a very big step for a chronically anxious girl who felt ruled by her trauma, lack of social skills, etc. i was lucky enough on my first day of uni to meet a girl who i instantly clicked with. she told me dumb jokes about chimneys and we bonded immediately over shared experiences.

fast forward to a month ago when i was raped (again). i told her the day after. and she came straight to me. she just said that she was coming to spend time with me. i didn’t want her to come, i wanted to be left alone, but i let her come. i went downstairs to pick her up from the lobby of my accommodation, and saw her holding a bouquet of flowers. i instantly started crying.

she cooked me food. we spent that evening watching a new series, laughing at it, eating chocolate. and she let me talk about what happened, listened, didn’t judge, and consoled me like nobody ever has. and we cried together about it. the next day she took me out to brunch, came with me to my appointments, and sat in a nearby cafe while they took place. she called up the rape crisis centre for me, and came with me on the bus to it, and then sat in the nearby library for 4 hours while they checked me up and took samples. she stayed with me that night too, and we built lego together.

i’ve never felt so supported. i felt almost guilty for using her time even though she never made me feel that way at all. she checked up on me for the next few weeks and was able to pick up when i wasn’t feeling as good. all while she was dealing with a multitude of health problems herself.

and i finally understand what friendship should be, and i was able to give it back to her. i visited her when she was feeling particularly rough, not out of obligation, but because i genuinely wanted to, and that’s what friends do.

every time i feel low i think about what she did for me. i wish everyone was so kind. i hope everyone reading this knows they are deserving of such love, because i never even knew that it existed before i met her. i think she healed a small part of me that has always felt unworthy. i hope i can give the same feeling to others as she has given to me in the future.

So my partner who suffers from CPTSD left me, and I’m devastated. I love him so much, and when he was well, we were the perfect couple. He suffered a relapse of his trauma, he became distant over a month, and then he broke up with me over text and I’m heartbroken. It’s just not like him. He hasn’t cut me completely off and we’re still connected via social media and of course mobile.

Do I have any hope of him getting well and reaching out again in the future? I miss him so much. Thank you.

Today is my birthday, and I'm so sad to be honest. It's a hard day for me.. a day that should be fun, to celebrate me, I don't feel I deserve to be celebrated or feel awesome about being born this day or to live a year longer. It's been a day that should have been be fun, in between a domestic warzone. It's a day I had to have hard talks with my father while dining when I turned 18 and needed financial support also because I wanted to leave my mentally I'll mother and live on my own. Which ended up in arguments which made me feel I was next to not worth his time or attention to not be worth to help forward in life. It's the day I'd hoped for him to congratulate me but was let down many times. It's a day my friends all didn't show up when I left home and planned a party for my 19th birthday.

Today I got a message from my brother, short and supposably funny.. but it is not to me, because we haven't talked in years after I told him to leave my house if he'd only disrespect me in it (very short version, but he had/s a problem with alcohol he denied and started to act really f'd up) well honestly I had to scream like never before because I was not going to be manipulated and intimidated in my own home.
I don't know what to do with this massage, if anything.

My partner wants to change this day for me which is sweet.. but I'd rather have it not exist to be honest..

I don't feel this is a life worth celebrating, this life should have never happened, it was an egoistic choice of my parents who already hated eachother at that point. I've been made to make other people feel better.

So how do you all feel about birthdays? How to make this a little better.. .

Please don't congratulate me it's a huge mismatch with how I feel today..

I just needed to vent a little to people who probably understand or have good advice.

Thank you for reading anyway and thanks to this subreddit.

My perception of reality is continually changing in the sense that I am always trying to alter my personality in a way that makes me feel more confident and less socially anxious, trying to figure out my true self kind of way.

The problem is that if I do nothing, I will become distressed and stuck in a debilitating perception of the world being a scary place and in crippling feelings of inferiority, which of course prevents me from functioning in all aspects of life.

It is as if my sense of self is fragmented and in the process of trying to heal it, I begin to dissociate (derealization/depersonalization), hence the constant shift in perception of reality.

The scary thing is that these feelings have existed practically my entire life and I don't even know if what I am trying to achieve is possible, given that I experience significant brain fog when trying to fight this internal conflict.

Can anyone relate?