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Please see post history to see what I’ve been through. Why does this happen? Anytime I am blamed for something I didn’t do I immediately am set off and angry for the rest of the day. I’m talking my demeanor completely changes in an instant.

Motherfucking pieces of shit

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I just started this job and its a tight team. Two dudes two women. Im the new person and the rest of them have history.

One of the women i work with, V, is very friendly and sweet. I like talking to her. I usually sit alone during breaks but shes begun to go out of her way to find me and sit with me. If Im not there on time she waits for me. I value her as a friend and we share a lot of laughs.

Our boss, K, struck me as a friendly, funny dude at first. I let my guard down around him. But ever since V started sitting with me instead of K snd spending more time with me, he’s become very obnoxious.

He’s become overly friendly, he interrupts what I’m saying to make a joke, he brags about hoe close V and him are, and watches me like a hawk. If he sees us sitting together he’ll interrupt us. If she asks us a question, which is usually pointed at me based on what we talked about earlier, he’ll talk about himself without taking an interest in me specifically. Sometimes he’ll make certain comments that suggest he’s trying to indirectly put me down? Like one time V complimented a shirt i was wearing and when she asked K where he shopped he was like “well i don’t really care to buy clothes like THAT” in this very pathetic, self-righteous tone.

Im healing from fight mode and have been pretty whatever about the situation, in part to keep the peace with V since theyre friends. I do respond sarcastically to K’s silly antics but Im reaching my limit. Today I had to get stern with him and I fear the next time I might snap.

It’s triggering a lot of my anger. K’s intrusion makes me unintentionally cold toward her, since Im grey rocking to avoid his bullshit. It reminds me a lot of my father. The benevolent, overly familiar bully, who is hard to identify because of his “niceness.”

We work in the states in a pretty white city. K is white and the rest of us aren’t. Ive already had problems with other supervisors undervaluing my input until they see firsthand how stupid they are and my exact same input comes from another white person. Im very aware that raising my voice makes me look like the hypermasculine super-predator thug that they gate their communities against.

So naturally that makes me somewhat paranoid about how Ill be perceived if I lose my cool. I want to cuss him out. The fight-mode in me wants to beat the shit out of him. Why does he think I’ll be chill? Its like hes poking the bear. I dont look nice. And I’m generally not if you act like a fucking fool.

And thats why I’m paranoid. If i go off on him, he may victimize himself. The poor, innocent, nice, twee wittle white man vs the stern big angry mean dark evil black man.

I really like this job and i find a lot of fulfillment in it. But Im starting to collect evidence so I can report him instead of hurting him.

Oh my fucking elas;ekfwq;

I'm trying so hard to practice kindness, believing it's okay to give second seconds, not be codependent. no no nooooo i still make mistakes, i'm still falling back into these patterns and it enrages me. enrages me that my parents set me up for this from birth, when will it end?

i'm tired of getting in trouble for things that are nothing next to the evils people loudly do around me. it's like i get more trouble and tone policing for expressing healthy rage/venting than others do for being genuinely hateful, mean, nasty, unsympathetic, etc.

it feels like no matter what, I'M the one who is in the wrong. i scapegoat myself because the world taught me scapegoat myself because it scapegoats me on a daily basis.

this is a thoroughly sick society and sick world.

i want to scream, i want to break everything, i want to destroy stuff, i just want to fucking rage and destroy it all so then nothing can hurt me anymore, then i wont be able to make mistakes and no one will be able to spot my mistakes such as my """fault""" for not being a "good" victim who's quiet, docile and cute.

nobody gives a shit about me. i could die right now and no one would notice.

Im referring to weight training. I feel like it might be tied into my anger/fight response as I have a history of numbing myself. I go to the gym and go way too hard. Its happened twice the last month where Im just fatigued like crazy. Thinking of switching to bodyweight training exclusively. Not sure if this is the best subreddit for this topic, but thought it was worth a shot

First of all. This guy is a real piece of trash. He's been borrowing stuff from me and throwing a fit when I get it back, he threatened me the day before he would break open my locked door with my most expensive stuff inside to get a cell phone I LENT HIM and he wasn't giving it back while I asked him for it for days... because he needed a chip inside it (couldn't he have taken it to his new phone? wtf).
He and the other guys used to take food I had bought for myself from the fridge and everyone would say it was not themselves.
I made a table on Excel to point out how much he was owing me because he has been on my ass because of the rent I'm due. But he took more money from me than I owe rent. I tried to reason with him sending him the chart before so he could maybe chill after he had seen it, remember stuff he took from me and that I sold to him or money he borrowed.
He started to charge me for stuff that wasn't my responsability, like papers he signed that had nothing to do with me, among other things. I tried talking orderly and he raised his voice and was being aggressive in the way he talked, and I started raising my voice and we were yelling at each other. Soon, I went for his neck with my hand and he started to put his hands in front of him, and I was pushing him behind because I had completely lost my temper after MONTHS of going through abuse.
A little after he punched me in the jaw, and I barely felt it, but it helped me calm down. I started mocking him. "Is that all you got? Throw a harder one. That one was too weak."
I had my hands behind my back walking to him and it got him scared.
I yelled at him when he started raising his voice again that he and the others were a bunch of freeloaders and assholes and that I was done being nice to undeserving people (I'll never be done, but I gotta try).
He got really apologetic later, probably fearing some kind of legal retaliation or that I might attack him in the future, despite him owing an automatic pistol he keeps in his room. He is really stupid about using it too, he was drunk another day, having another drunk guy in an armlock and pointing the pistol to his head and smiling at me as it was a cool prank.

I fucking hate these idiots. I fucking hate having lived all I lived to be the way I am. I gotta stop with the fawn response all the time to every situation. I am investigating the possibility that I'm autistic, I got screened by a general practicioner and it showed signs in a neuropsychologic test battery, but I don't have a reliable doctor that would get me diagnosed as autistic. I just can't stand these stupid troglodites anymore, and masking, and trying to people please all the time. I'm trying to say NO to even the smallest of requests. Trying to train myself to do that. Fuck everybody.

I think I have dissociation but this dissociation is there because I had to block anger when I was a child as that would have made things worse. My Freeze mode appears to have gotten stuck in a highly activated state, probably because it's still blocking the anger.

I come from a line of angry alcoholics and it's like I have one I share a skull with. Not alcoholic though.

What are the possible ways for someone to deal with that?

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I went no contact which evolved into very low contact with my toxic mother months ago. It’s been wonderful for my health but the kids said today that they miss her.

The thing is, I’m not still mad about what she did when I was a kid. I’m not willing to be her scapegoat anymore for her BS and to treat me such - I’ve been her caretaker through cancer and multiple surgeries and a death scare during COVID. I was the only child who was there for her many times over. I am sick of the other two being treated like the golden children when they treated her like an afterthought for years.

She never bothers to care about me or my life but always used me as her emotional crutch and fixer and armchair therapist, the way she did my entire life. She simultaneously blamed me for everything bad in her life, even though I am the youngest child of three, and my father was the violent alcoholic who terrorized her and us. She was neglectful and took out her shit on me. She’s anxious-avoidant and passive aggressive and both never spent time with me (before cutting contact) and blamed me for everything wrong in her life.

I adore our kids and cannot imagine loathing them the way my mother loathes me.

How the fuck am I supposed to be around her to facilitate my kids seeing her at all? Ugh. Fuck her. Thanks for reading.

Hey guys,

Please please no sympathy for me. I really need someone to be straight with me about this cause I need to know so I can try to at least not do harm to myself or other people. Feel like I could be narracist. I notice thay I have these thoughts when I work out that everyone is looking at me and admiring how amazing I am at working out and then I stop and realise no they arnt. You can't predict minds.

Then after that I have this feeling of "no one cares about me". When I'm like this it's some times due to when I'm being vulnerable. Like something happened today and an old woman scoffed at me and tuted at me. I notice that my inner child was coming up but then that was over shadowed by narracist fight part of me that kept saying "see how awful people are, human beings are awful and take up too much space and should die, man kind should just die".

Then my sister was venting to me today and honestly it was just frustrating me cause I didn't have the energy for it and I can honestly admit I didn't care either. Then I felt shame for that too. Cause I literally feel like I have no emotional connection with anyone and at times lack Empathy and think everything is about me. Its either me self degrading myself or my ego getting so big that it thinks it's better than everyone else.

I'd really appreciate it if anyone deals with this or could give me some advice on how to deal with all this? Cause I'm noticing I'm starting to self Isolate and detach from people cause thus voice in mg head says people are bad and should die.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

This year has been dark. Reliving horrific flashbacks that I spent most of my life trying not to think about and accepting my highly distinct and quarrelsome 'thought processes' in the broader context of disassociative signs. Faltering at the threshold of dreamworld as I saw the lights of a camera flashing every time I was about to drift off to sleep. Heard my own voice as a child in the form of terrified, tortured wailing. Heart quaked. Tried telling myself I remember the facts, the emotional component doesn't matter, I don't need to relive it. Realized a little girl is trapped in that memory. Had the resolve to go down there and rescue her, knowing I could very well relive being physically tortured and humiliated by my safest person as a toddler, powerless, scared, in pain. Decided to do it anyway to save her, to save me, for our sake and my family's sake and future children's sake and the sake of anybody else who will ever be in my life.

My ex has been sending texts to people in my life that I'm unstable, violent, and suicidal, and he is deeply concerned about me. I have a deep fear that the friends I disclosed my abuse to who ghosted me have heard and believed this narrative without asking me. I get bouts of heartbroken, betrayed fury towards them. My ex is doing this because I confided in him while we were together that my mother used to do that to me when I was growing up. It is a sociopathic level way of trying to still have control over me after I went no contact.

I keep thinking that I have moved on from that anger towards those former friends and genuinely have progressed in so many powerful ways, but once in a while I still have these powerful episodes of anger and confusion and grief and shame. It makes sense one would come up today, in connection with reliving my mother's abuse, because that was originally her tactic. It makes sense, and the episode lasted maybe 7 or 8 minutes before I looked desperately for something to pull me out of it and saw I had pinned the r/CPTSD Emotional Flashback page to my bookmarks toolbar. Clicked. Read. Breathed. Looked up. Kept breathing.

I controlled it. It did not possess me. I am in control. That is the shortest an episode has ever been.

I am proud of myself. Not only am I improving - I am hella brave. I know that the people who have abused my siblings and I throughout our lives have faced similar fears to the one I faced last night and chose to cower and let those demons lie. I didn't. I trembled in some of the worst panic and terror I ever remember feeling to experience the glimmer of a resurgence of long-forgotten emotions I don't have the name for - and I decided to go back to that dream and down that dark stairwell to relive the memory and rescue that child and bring her home to safety. I wrote her a new ending using components of different dreams and combined therapy and my faith tradition to learn how to manage recurring dreams, all while my body physically ached and faltered with the memory of old torture as though it just happened yesterday. There is no such thing as the laughable disposable 'crazy ex girl / boyfriend' stigma who can be mocked and discarded. I am an incredible human. I am as powerful as a hurricane. I am unstoppable.

Like many others, my journey to fight back against this condition began in my mid/late 20s. Before this time, I would mainly assume that I was just clinically depressed. Something didn't add up about that. I remember the building resentment that I had for the word "depression". It was failing to fully describe what was happening at all.

Through both lurking and speaking to my long term therapist, I more recently learned of another distinctive term that applies to me: Interfamilial Child Torture. To my frustration, just as depression had, the term "child abuse" would prove to be mistakenly diminishing too..

My flight and freeze responses were tortured from me as an 8 year old child. I was to endure things without showing weakness. Punishment would amplify if I cried. If I failed to make eye contact and answer directly to that demon-bred sociopath, the beatings would increase. But worse, the ISOLATION would increase. I would regularly be locked away for days on end. No one came to save me.

In my teens, I would one day do something that still serves as a vestige of rare pride from deep within. I broke free from learned helplessness and fought back. My mind created something that day. I dissociated into a being of supreme focus, euphoria, and unfortunately, rage. This is a survival tool that my developing brain would never abandon. I'm not sure that it ever will.

The fact that this monster lives within me is a tremendous source of shame. I can't interact with certain personality types, especially in positions of power. There is a great chance that it becomes bloodsport. I even feel shame at times while reading about others with CPTSD. I don't believe that there is an amicable way to escape your abusers. You rip that band-aid off quickly and mercilessly. It makes me feel like an animal to say this. I lack fear for men. I choose to fight. All the fucking time.

Today, discovering this community is especially cathartic because there appear to be others here that believe in an epidemic of dark personality types around us. (Narcissism, machivelianism, and psychopathy), likely as a result of our increased judgement of character and body language. I work hard everyday to diminish and shame myself for any narcisistic traits that I find within. I realize that this is sort of non-narcissistic, but probably unhealthy by nature. This is hard to describe. I certainly don't like mirrors.

Anyways! That's my speal. I'm really glad to have stumbled upon a community of folks who may understand the judgement and shame. Cyas around

Called up a helpline. And i wasn't sure if they also were contemptuous of me. And so i felt livid. But I couldn't say anything.

TW: sex

!I'm so fucking triggered by my neighbor fucking his girlfriend and hearing her moaning very loudly to the whole neighborhood and the bed hitting the wall over and over again.!<

Their sex triggers me because it's very wild and brute and I when growing up wanted to be wild and brute too but I wasn't allowed to. I was controlled, scolded for being me authentically, I was constantly shamed for being myself, for showing any bit of brutality or roughness. I had every emotion and desire repressed because I was profoundly ashamed of everything about myself.

So seeing other people being animals triggers me like crazy. I WANT TO BE AN ANIMAL TOO, FUCK. BUT I DON'T SEE MY CHANCE TO BE ONE WITHOUT BEING LABELLED AS CRAZY OR ARRESTED. So far I've only had chances in concerts. And also the fact that I trigger myself when I act as an animal. So like, no matter what, I end up triggered and hurt.

I understand that I have HUGE wounds from this that are open.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

NPD Alcoholic Mom

I wanted to post in AITA but can’t upload videos.

1. Told me we should rescue a stray adult cat only to be outraged when said cat doesn’t use litter box within 2 days.

Apparently I came up with the idea in her mind & she’s using it as a way to call me irresponsible.

2. Irate over noise past 8 PM when I blatantly asked her to please tell me what she needs. I have insomnia, I do stuff around house to help me relax until I fall asleep.

I am happy to not do that but she never communicated that it bothered her.

3. Continuing to cook or buy food for me, when I’ve repeatedly asked her to never do anything that she can’t or doesn’t want to do for me.

She will use this as a guilt trip that I’m unappreciative, spoiled, etc.

4. Maintaining that I’m the one who caused her to drink, that she was fine until she had to deal with me, that I’ve ruined her life, etc.

5. Triangulating family against each other/lying to them/not taking accountability. Two faced

And many many many more instances such as this. I’m fine to not talk to her & follow her rules but she never communicates anything except this type of “communication”.

She started throwing my stuff outside yesterday, slamming, banging, etc.

My aunt told me “your mom isn’t tough enough to deal with drama. Very hurtful. It isn’t drama, it’s me attempting to communicate with her & hold myself & her accountable.

We went on vacation out of state as we’ve done every year since i was born in order to visit family. Since my dad is getting older and his health is declining (bad diabetes) I have been working the last few years to take over more and more of the drive. This year i managed to handle 99% of everything except for 2 hours of the drive on our way out. After we left and were driving back home my grandma called and said we had forgotten my father’s drill and socket set. My dad immediately got this pissed off look in his eyes that I used to see all the time as a kid and he raised his hand above his head as though he was going to smack the shit out of me; but for some reason he stopped…. Maybe because I was driving and he was afraid I’d kill us both, maybe because he’s getting older and knows I’m able to take him now, idk, but me forgetting the tools was all it took. No wonder I suffer from extreme perfectionism and feel like offing myself whenever I make a mistake if something as simple as forgetting tools can deserve a severe beating.

But there is also a cold rage where you don't feel like you have the energy, you're burnt out and still fight. Purely with whatever rage is left inside u. How do u work with cold rage ?

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

My bf is fake sleeping in front of me right now I know people do it so they can stare at me and make me feel cornered so I tell him I don't play like that so I can look like the bad guy of course. But you gotta make them stop somehow and the only way out is through unfortunately. So now I'm the bad guy cuz I don't like being stared at. Like I guess I'll just sit here then thats great. Nobody wants to talk to me rn. It's hard not having friends. I only have my bf and I'm stuck here and I gotta go soon. His parents want me out and they hate me. At least im not outside all day getting injured by big ass dogs lmao bark bark pick up my shit and while you're at it go buy another bag of kibble. Dumbass

I hate most humans on earth and think humanity as a whole are a bunch of vicious violent hominids not far from chimps

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

It was suggested to me that my inner demon that hates me so much is the enemy and should be treated as such. It should be fought and battled with. It's ass to be kicked. Anyone had success with simular or...?

That's how I feel these days. If "all" people deserve to live, what about people that don't treat others as people? Are they like that because they're just stupid? Should I be more understanding and less mad at them? I know that this is my fight mode speaking and that all this hate and anger isn't necessary, but idk what to do about it, and I think that makes me hold onto the anger more