Do you think you might hurt yourself and / or others? Contact your country's emergency services (911, 112, 120, etcetera).

I can't stop thinking of what my brother did to me in the past. I'm triggered all day. Today I lasted at most 1 hour without getting triggered again.

I realize that this is because in the past 5 years I've been exploring the depths of myself, going all the way to the very beginning of my existence, to the most profound wounds. I have dug up everything: every wound, every trauma, everything that ever happened to me. All this with no protection or relief. Bare-chested.

My wounds are raw and raw to the skin, that's why they hurt so much.

I have already closed many wounds in the past years, and I realize that if these wounds that my brother did to me are being so painful and hard to close, it's because they're huge wounds. It means that the person who hurt me (my brother) was so important for me, that his betrayal impacted me the most and made the biggest wounds.

That's why his wounds are so excruciatingly painful.

FUCK

I'm now in real-time as I write realizing about this.

I want to cry so much. I wish someone I trusted would hug me.

Posted this elsewhere and it got removed (*insert eyeroll emoji*)

You never realize how selfish people truly are until you are homeless.

The woman who MADE me homeless in the first place was a self righteous cunt who cheerfully emailed me 1 month after I was made homeless asking how I was doing. Because yeah, the same person who was disrespectful of my feelings and intelligence and was willing to kick me out over a disagreement is the same sort of person I'm more than happy to write back to!

But then think of the PEOPLE around you now. They still suck. Because the truth is that many people are very vain and only interested in material pleasures and hedonism. To them life is simply about getting enough likes on social media or using their money to inflate their item collections as big as possible for bragging purposes. Oh sure, there are plenty of humanitarian efforts they support! But only if it's something that personally affects THEM in some petty, selfish way. This is why you'll see more people defending their rights to do stupid, meaningless selfish stuff like being as hedonistic as possible. It's my god given right to take as many drugs as I want and go to all the orgies I want! But these damn homeless people are lowering the property value, what selfish people they are! Seriously, people act like whatever selfish problem they're dealing with is a bigger deal than LITERALLY NOT HAVING A SAFE, PRIVATE SHELTER.

I honestly think homeless people are some of the most ignored and hated people in the world. I never realized how fucked it was until I was homeless how quick people are to judge someone begging on the street as being either a scammer, a dangerous mentally ill person (yay for ableism alongside the classism), or an addict who is just going to use any money they get to buy some beer or drugs. They don't even make eye contact or stay on the same side of the street when a homeless person is around, as if the homeless person is a fucking disease to be destroyed and not a human being in extreme pain. Even that woman who kicked me out was always the first to brag that she was an empathetic and "kind" person, yet she too judged the homeless and came up with excuses not to give them cash. When I became homeless I decided to just be friendly to everyone, even the supposedly weird mentally ill and potentially homeless beings. You know what? it really opened my mind and I realized how fucked it all is.

And also how lonely I am. How homelessness is a constant string of watching other people having connections while you have nothing. Nobody wants to be your friend when you are homeless, you're basically invisible or repulsive, those are your only two options. You don't even have time for friends because you're busy surviving and again, you realize how fucking selfish people are. You overhear people rejecting each other for the pettiest reasons. You see people whine about not getting attention all the time or having the most popular person in their group. You realize that these people have taken everything comfortable they have for granted. And they will never understand until they experience homelessness themselves.

I truly think this has highlighted and only brought out my hate and jealousy even more. I feel sour when I see people talking about their positive relationships with their parents, partner and friends. I feel sorrow watching people live their lives and enjoy socializaing with others. I feel extreme rage knowing there are people out there with very cozy lives and privileges but will still whine like their problems are the only problems in the world and live their lives being as hedonistic as possible with no regard for others. I simply feel I am never going to be the same after this period in my life, it straight up CHANGED ME. And it's to a point I can't even enjoy the IDEA of socializing because I see these traits in almost everyone and it disgusts me.

Brief overview- I have been going to therapy for almost 4 months and have been benefitting immensely. Though it has brought a lot up.

I’ve noticed that I trail off sometimes during discussions in therapy and then basically forget what I was saying in the first place or what the prompt was to begin with. I get so confused. I don’t know anyone else relates to this??

So last session I started tearing up after being asked something vulnerable and basically started crying lightly. But then I forgot what I was even talking about.. my therapist asked me what just happened in that moment and all I could think of was “it was blank, and the thoughts are swirling/interweaving at a distance I can’t grasp.. I still at this point and immediately after don’t remember what the prompt was, what I even said, or why I got chocked up in the first place. I think it was about my issues revolving emotional neglect but I’m not certain.

I don’t feel “out of body” but it feels like I become way more hyper aware of my surroundings and things get kinda quiet/ awkward…? It’s happened to me a few times (at work, in the gym) and it almost feels like 4th wall if that makes any sense?

Sorry if this makes no sense. Just wondering if anyone has any input?

[Trigger Warning] Discussion of boundary violations, emotional triggers, and family dynamics.

Hi y'all! Self-healer here who actively goes to therapy and is always looking to grow. My intention in writing this is to connect with others meaningfully and positively. I wanted a place where I could reflect while staying anonymous but also be as open and honest about my experience. Just a heads-up—this might be a long post, as it chronicles my feelings and experiences over the past year.

I am an introvert and very private about my life. I have been diagnosed with panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I am also neurodivergent. Over the last year, I have had to adjust quickly to significant life changes, which has been really difficult for me emotionally and mentally as a neurodivergent person. I was laid off from my job, broke my apartment lease due to mold, moved into an Airbnb temporarily, and then relocated across the country to stay with a relative.

My relative (we'll call her Kelly) offered to let me stay rent-free while I worked on becoming financially stable and finding a job. Making major life decisions is something I never do on a whim. As someone on the spectrum, it takes a lot of energy and time for me to think through every possible avenue. This process is essential to my autonomy and confidence.

It was hard emotionally to decide to move. My closest friends (we'll call them Harry and Sally) from back home helped convince me that it would be a good choice in the long run to help me financially, reminding me that it was only temporary. I cried and thought about it for weeks. Home was where I felt safe. Harry and Sally were my strongest connections, and we saw each other almost weekly. Every time I was around them, I felt grounded and safe.

Over the years, I had done a lot of inner healing work, focusing on my inner child, self-awareness, boundaries, communication, and authenticity. Leaving home was scary because I feared regressing in the progress I had made, and the uncertainty of when I could return weighed heavily on me. Nine months have passed, and my feelings haven't changed much.

I talk to Harry and Sally almost every week, updating each other about our lives. Since I left, I've visited them every couple of months, and we mail each other photos of our shared memories. I have struggled with a personal fear of being forgotten, something I've always been honest and open about in therapy and in my relationships.

During one of my therapy sessions, I shared how much I appreciated Sally and how grateful I was to have a friend who consistently checks in on me despite the distance. I cried, expressing my deepest fear of waking up one day without Sally in my life. I later texted Sally about what I told my therapist in an effort to be vulnerable, and she responded with kindness and reassurance, as she always does.

Since moving in with Kelly, I have tried engaging with the local community by attending pickleball open courts, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I did back home. The people and atmosphere felt different. The desert environment has also made it difficult to enjoy my favorite hobbies, such as paddleboarding, kayaking, camping, and nature walks.

Career-wise, the transition has been challenging. It took me a few months to figure out that I wanted a career that aligned with my values and offered job security. I eventually pursued a certification in Electronic Health Records, knowing that healthcare aligns with my core values. Talking with my close friends, who work in healthcare and education, helped me feel more confident in my decision.

Since being away from home, my motivation to return has been a driving force, helping me manage my depression. I've also been going to the gym daily since the start of the year, finding that physical exercise helps alleviate my depression, even if temporarily.

Now that I've caught up to the present, I want to talk about Kelly. I've known her since I was born and have always loved her. She has good intentions and genuinely wants to help others, especially me. In the beginning, things were great. We laughed and watched Netflix together, and it felt like a "honeymoon stage." But over time, we both fell into our routines. I found myself having to repeatedly set and reinforce boundaries.

Initially, I realized that Kelly struggled with vulnerability and boundaries. I chalked it up to senior moments since Kelly is in her mid-70s, making it difficult to connect with her on a deeper level. I had panic attacks for months from adjusting to my new environment and the withdrawal from home. When I sought support from Kelly, she invalidated my experience by saying I was entitled to some, but not all, of my panic attacks. This response made it harder to be open about my feelings, and I became more intentional about sharing my emotions. It reactivated my old coping skills from when I was a kid—feeling invalidated.

I made efforts to connect with her by inviting her to join me in my hobbies like pickleball, walks, and pottery painting, but she always declined. Eventually, I respected her choices and stopped asking. While I enjoy my own company, the hunger for more meaningful connections and shared experiences worsened over time, making my depression harder to manage.

Over time, things started to feel more challenging. Kelly's codependency, insecurities, lack of respect and understanding of boundaries, low emotional intelligence, and controlling tendencies began to surface. She would criticize aspects of my personality, my need for alone time, and even my appearance. Simple tasks, like grocery shopping, could escalate into emotional outbursts from her. Living with these unpredictable reactions triggered my panic attacks, adding to my emotional fatigue.

To meet my need for solitude and reflection, I booked an Airbnb for a couple of days to recharge. I gave myself the space I needed to meditate, journal, and enjoy some time paddleboarding. This decision triggered Kelly, who made me feel guilty for spending money on myself, stating that I should be saving it. I reminded myself that her reaction was a reflection of her own financial concerns rather than a reflection of my choices.

She made a comment at one point, saying there was something wrong with me and that I needed help. This was during a deep depression when I needed a lot of personal alone time. I wasn’t comfortable expressing my true experience or feelings because she wasn’t comfortable with vulnerability, making it really hard to show myself compassion while feeling chronically alone.

Through therapy, I've realized that Kelly's behaviors stem from her unresolved trauma and people-pleasing tendencies. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, being around such behavior has been particularly challenging. It has resurfaced painful memories from my childhood and made me question whether I was regressing. However, my therapist reassured me that I was doing the best I could.

My coping strategy has been to mindfully separate Kelly's reactions from my own choices and needs. I spend most of my time alone and keep our interactions minimal. It wasn't what I initially wanted, but it's necessary to protect my peace and well-being.

If you've read this far, thank you. I hope sharing my journey resonates with someone out there. I'm always looking to learn and grow from others who might have experienced something similar. How have you managed to maintain your boundaries while living with family?

I've been working really hard on my fight mode and using communication blahblbahblah but one group of people who irk me the MOST are non-confrontational passive aggressive people. Even if you try to confront them directly, they're so cowardly and then still go and make their little remarks. They have a million and one justifications for why they need to remain this petty and there's always someone who's happy to have them around. They are the enablers and covert narcissists who rely on hiding in the shadows.

Edit: Typo

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I think it was a combination of things. I know I bury my feelings a lot. Play as much as I'm able to of therapy stuff - the odd video from my YouTube feed. Weekly therapy which of course stopped for a while over the holidays.

Particularly the idea of how to feel your feelings. And the scream into a pillow idea which never felt natural or even possible- practically because of living arrangements, or otherwise. Having a space now where I finally feel able to make some noise. The pressure of having a newborn baby now. And someone being unnecessarily shirty to me online..!

All came together just now for no particular reason other than being alone and a little triggered and just.. allowing myself to do what my body wanted to do is the only way I can think to describe it. The scene in Joker when he is alone after killing for the first time - and he starts dancing - added to the mix.I guess it felt strange enough to see as acceptable for me. A little improv dance aswell. Yoga teachers emphasising trying out what bit of a stretch or twist feels right for your own body.

And I had the pillow screaming idea in the back of my mind recently, coming to view it as acceptable rather than whatever sneering judgement I'd put on it. So I kind of just impulsively tried it out a little the last few days - into a towel as I dried my face (thanks Succession). And with an empty bed and empty house - my wife is currently at her parents - I just went and screamed into the sheets without thinking much about it.

And it felt fine. Not pathetic. Not earth-shattering. I don't have to do anything the rest of the day, I can just roll around in bed, whatever. And I just let everything kind of bubble over, didn't force anything. I guess the voices getting ready to remind me of how wrong and unacceptable what I'm doing is started up. I just sort of let them bubble away in the background. And - I don't want to talk about the next half an hour or whatever. But I let things develop and develop - in contrast to building up and building up with no outlet - and I tapped into some part of me which needed to come out.

I can't see a better way to move forward with things, what happened just now had to happen and I feel good. I recommend it.

The key for me was avoiding the nagging need to find some perfect sacred set of conditions. More like I had to, bit by bit, give myself permission to just go nuts

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I’ve been dealing with deep seated rage for a while. Well just over a month ago I started on Ritalin, which has been going mostly ok for me! It makes me more social and confident, which is awesome! But later in the day when it’s wearing off, it has sometimes made me super grumpy. It’s known for making people irritable. The thing is, when I’m feeling grumpy on it, it’s because I’m energised and engaged with the usual bullshit I have to deal with. But instead of being too tired to deal with it I have energy and that gets channeled into my anger. It’s been rather empowering. Helps me set better boundaries with people.

So yeah, surprising lesson learned, ADHD medication helps me channel my anger. 😆

it was NOT MY FAULT that my stepfather actively chose to groom me and my younger sister. it was NOT MY FAULT that he touched me in ways that made me feel unsafe. it was NOT MY FAULT that my mother did nothing when i told her what happened. it was NOT MY FAULT my sister was forced by him in the bed next to mine. it was NOT MY FAULT that he touched me in my sleep.

STOP POINTING FINGERS AT THE ONES WHO WERE HURT BY THEIR ABUSERS. WE DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS. WE DIDN’T DRESS PROVOCATIVE. WE WERE JUST KIDS. WE DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE OUR STEPFATHER, JUST LIKE WE DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE OUR PARENTS.

people who say it’s our fault for being vulnerable and naive and literal children are the reason so many SA victims end their lives. i’ve sat on that ledge myself because of people that have no empathy for the trauma that I’ve endured. it makes me sick and it makes me angry.

Especially the stupid ones. Stupid and entitled, thinking they know well enough to "teach" me

Let me get outta this fucking hellhole please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WANNA KILL ALL OF THEM SO BADLY GET THOSE FUCKED UP FUCKERS OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I posted a story and a comment on Instagram with my review of a recent cannabis event. The event organizer messaged me with multiple audio messages that I believe shows slandering, bullying, and harassment. She called me multiple names from bitch to troll. She also threatened me on an audio message saying “ if I see you around we’re gonna have a problem.” She then posted a story crying to her followers and accusing me of being a free loader, a thief and a hoe with a “stank ass face”. Where can I report this situation? It has affected me due to my trauma being related to this type of situation. I know I’m not the first but I want to be her last customer she talks to like this. I’ve already reported it to IC3, the civil rights department, and a business fraud department. What else is a good idea to do to ensure consequences for her actions?

I have worked super hard to be able to remove myself from arguments to cool down and avoid going into fight mode. But I’m 35 weeks pregnant and I’m having meltdowns every week or so. It’s 100% around feeling not heard or validated and going into a fear response that the world isn’t safe for me or my baby. I feel like I’ve gone backwards and like my child deserves better but I don’t know what to do :’( knowing the baby can hear me cry and scream and panic makes me sick, as I feel like I’m perpetuating the cycle that gave me CPTSD in the first place. I’m linked into the hospital psych but it’s limited. I feel like I need to be sedated or something but know that’s not good for baby. Feeling worthless

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

I feel crazy I don’t have rage episodes everyday but maybe a few times a month and it’s always triggered by the smallest of things. I was diagnosed with CPTSD six years ago but I was in denial about it because it felt like accepting the diagnosis was like making my rage not my fault which is what my mom did when she blamed all her abusive behaviour on being schizophrenic. It almost felt good in previous relationships when at the end the guy would call me crazy because it would feel like all the negative things I feel towards myself have been validated. I am a good looking girl apparently and I feel like because of that people don’t want to accept or think that I’m abnormal and it makes me so angry I want to attack them but I don’t I usually just self harm so I don’t hurt anyone. Although I haven’t SH’d in years.

Some people in my household seem to have Major narc tendencies. I go the therapy and currently work on ways to cope with living with them as well as my own personal issues. Right now, I’m going through a bit of a depression episode (diagnosed w MMD AND ADHD only 1 person knows because they all think it’s make up mental health jargon….) Anyways right now I’ve just been in my room ruminating so please forgive my rant. I feel so pathetic because this is the most energy I’ve been able to put it no anything for the last couple of days, I left my room the first time today to pee, almost fainted and knocked something over in my room to get back in bed. So from feeling too weak to pee even ask for help with taking my prescription I fee pretty pathetic. I feel punished for feeling depressed because I have to be depressed a certain way and have to ask for everything I need to be cared for. I’m I know I’m not the only one with these mental issues and I thank God every day for resources that I do have. I Ive lived in other situations and have noticed the difference and baseline care/consideration I’ve gotten. I just wish I didn’t have to feel like like a burden in my own home. Feels they like know what is going on but rather wait until “I take care of it” and they can all go back to living in whatever conscience and happiness they experienced before I way here in there way. Obviously there is a lot of other context to the house set up so am not blaming my feelings about to situation.

I feel like this every once in awhile since I’ve had someone to notice my own patterns as well as others while living and growing up here. I know the ultimate solution is to never let them know about it just leave them if I ever get the opportunity to, but I just pray for my own sanity everyday Hopefully get the chance to properly take move out and function without this sort of distraction

(Ps not judging them or blaming them for what I have going on, just a rest to keep from doing those rungs we aren’t supposed to. It’s along some time to breathe and you should too! Have a good day of you read this! Thanks

My nightmares are just becoming weird incest fueled dreams. What I mean is, they no longer scare me when I have them, but I wake up feeling disgusted. I still have rage towards my abuser, but it feels like my body is becoming more hypersexual. In my dreams, I want to reconcile with him, for really no good reason. We sleep together, and I wake up knowing that I’m a degenerate. Or that’s how I feel. I don’t actually want to do that with him, I guess it’s a coping mechanism.

I have a fiancé, whom I’ve been exploring kinks with as of late. Nothing super crazy, but I think it’s light bdsm In which im usually dominant. I love taking control, and I love that he loves it. None of this is bad, obviously, but I think it’s changing the fabric of my dreams, nightmares, and how I’ve been dealing with sexual trauma in general. It’s been confusing for me, and I don’t know what I should do. I definitely wanna keep doing stuff like this with him, and obviously forgo what happens in my head during REM.

I told my fiancé a little bit about my incest “dreams” and he said that maybe it’s because my life is so good now, but my mind is still preparing for the worst. I suppose it’s probably true. But it’s just gross, let’s be real.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

TW: talking about killing

(27M, for context)

I don't know what to do anymore.

I only want to kill. But I know that that would eventually send me to jail and I know I don't want that.

Every day I have the same dialogue with myself:

—What do I want?

—To kill.

—But I would go to jail, what else do I want?

—... ... Nothing..."

Then I have this exact same dialogue again the following day. And again each day. I've been going like this for the past 3 years. And I can't anymore. I'm sick of it.

I don't know what to do. There's nothing I feel like doing in the world. I only truly want to kill.

I know where this feeling comes from. I've been abused all my life. Now I'm 27. I'm alone in life. No family, no real friends, no hobbies or activity groups that could give me a sense of socialization, a sense of community.

I've been abused, hurt, mistreated, unjustly judged, failed so many times across my life that it already crossed the line of "no return", of "no forgiveness", of "no going back".

I don't want to live in society anymore. I don't want to interact with normal people and "normal lives" things like renting an apartment and such. I don't want to pay taxes.

All of this is because I'm not getting anything from life.

What have I gotten in my life from living in society with other people? Abuse, pain, tears, wounds, loneliness.

It hasn't been worth it at all. I truly wish I had been left in the forest at birth, and had to grow up with a pack of wolves, or bears. I would have lived such a better life than I have. At least mental health-wise.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I lack people, socialization, friends. But that has to be genuine and mutual. I can't go to the grocery store to buy friends. I can't go to social events and force myself into friends groups. It has to feel genuine for both parties: you and the other person.

I am a friendly person and have made friends pretty much everywhere I've been. So it's not a "skill issue". The problems are two:

1. I'm scattered in many areas of my life, especially in location, in where I live. I never stay long anywhere, I keep moving. Because I'm never finding anything that pleases me. So I keep searching, exploring.

2. I'm very hurt and have lost trust in pretty much everything and everyone. So now I'm very reluctant to getting involved with people or society in general.

I've been moving places all the time since I was 18, so for 9 years already. And I've never found anywhere or anyone that made me want to stay.

And now I'm at a point where I've reached a bottom, I think, and that's why I'm writing this post.

I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. When I listen to my body what it tells me is that it wants to kill.

It also tells me that it wants friends and a sense of community and belonging. And I really do want that. But it has to be genuine, really felt. And I'm not feeling it with anyone or anywhere.

I also know that what I want is a just justice system that would punish the people who abused me. And help me regain a "good life standard".

But I tried that and nothing happened. I reported my parents to the police and they told me that I needed proofs of their abuse, and witnesses. But their abuse happened 25 years ago, I don't have proofs. And what witnesses? Anyone who could have see anything would side with my parents. But most of their abuse was at home, so no witnesses.

The police actually filed the report and told me that the court would contact me in 2-3 months so that I could give them the proofs I had. I was thinking of gathering some proofs. It's been 5 months now and no one has contacted me.

So yeah, having justice actually do their part and punish the people who abused me would help me a lot, would give me a sense of belonging in this world. Something that would make me forget a bit the idea that I have to kill because it's the only way I have left to get a feeling of satisfaction in life.

And yeah, now that I mention satisfaction. I'm deeply unsatisfied in life. I'm not getting anything that I want (friends, comfort, safety, support, fun...). And this has been going on for most of my life. Only a few times I've gotten what I wanted.

But when I close my eyes and imagine myself murdering someone very closely, I do feel satisfaction. And I get shivers running up and down my spine. And that feels pleasant.

Another topic is psychologists/therapists. I've tried multiple and they've never worked. They've never understood me, they've told me to do things I didn't want to do because I felt they were wrong. And all that process of trying therapists costed me time, effort and money, of course. And all for nothing. I never got anything from it. So I lost trust in therapy too. At least in that kind of psychological therapy.

I very well know that a therapy of the kind of 1) someone who understands me 2) and puts me to do things with other kind people so that I get a feeling of good socialization 3) and fully listens to me. Would do A LOT of good to me.

I'm very sad and hurt.

Need to scream.

December is the worst month of the year. Every. Mother. Fucking. Time.

Rats in my walls. Started last month, still ongoing. Got pest control. They aren't doing shit. I can hear them scratching and biting and scurrying from every direction.

Even better news. Abuser is coming back around to my apartment unexpected. Found out recently. I have a month to relocate the fuck out. Otherwise I will do things that can't be spoken of on here. Can't leave the situation permanently because of section 8.

Fun coincidence: I sent my passport off to get it renewed the first week of December because I had waited a month, a WHOLE FUCKING MONTH for priority envelopes to arrive, and of course they never did. Right now, my passport is in limbo because: I had gone to mail it personally, asked for priority flat mail so it gets there quickly, the woman working there sealed it in a non-priority envelope without telling me and lied through her teeth saying that ground shipping is the same amount of delivery time. Sure. I see that my passport hasn't moved an inch in the past ten days. But sure.

The icing on the cake, or rather the last straw on the camel's back is that there was one little thing I wanted to make my life less shit. But of course, OF COURSE I can't have things that might make me happy, right? Because the world is full of incompetent people who are fucking worthless at everything they do. I was on the page the moment it opened, but because it was sent through a proxy where someone else had to order, it took five hours. Yes, five hours. To make the purchase, by which point it was sold out. I'm so shocked (sarcasm).

Health is also going to shit from all this. Wonder if my heart will finally fucking explode from the stress. God, I fucking hope it does, because the only thing that doesn't happen is my death and I have been begging for it since the moment I was born.

I've been thrashing and screaming like a wild animal. This fucking shit does not happen to every person, BUT ONLY TO US. ONLY TO THE PEOPLE WHO LEAST NEED THIS HORSESHIT IN THEIR FUCKING LIVES. As if the rats in my walls and the abusive piece of shit coming back thinking he owns the place despite not paying a dime and being drowned in poverty and not being allowed more shifts at work because of dogshit management who can't think their way out of a paper bag isn't enough. It has to keep going.

I'm. Just. So. Tired.

I just need to scream for a moment so I don't bother the people who've I've apparently already annoyed by being hurt by them while they're having a bad day.

I'm disgusted by people's propensity to prioritize their paper cuts over my 27 gaping stab wounds. People think just giving sympathy and nothing else is helping. "Ouuuhhhh, [name]!! I'm sorry but I can't even TRY to comfort—let alone HELP YOU—in a time where you are at risk of being actually fucking murdered because I'm busy and SAD right now ): I hope you understand that you're a selfish piece of shit if you feel even a little bit upset with me for it! (:"

God, they're all fucking useless. And I let myself be the villain in their minds because I can't just go and make it known to anyone that they're worthless scum-sucking worms that can't help themselves. They'd feel so sad to know they've hurt me severely and have been continuing to do so :C . They work SO hard leaving me for dead, I can't just make them consider the consequences of their actions because that would be so cruel of me.

Every time my fawn response kicks in, I feel like I've violated myself. They all work so hard to do absolutely nothing for me. And I let them be mad at me for being mad. In my darkest days, I always could at least TRY for someone else. Sometimes I'll think to myself that it's not somebody's fault for being weak, and other times I remember that cowardice is a failure of character and them not overcoming their own issues in the face of someone they love being threatened is a display telling how little you matter to them. Nobody will ever fight against their own fears or discomforts in a time where I need them, and they all deserve to feel like shit for it.

Oh, what would I do without them. They can all cry about their problems to my charred carcass lying in the yard after I'm done with my self-immolation. Useless idiots. Every single one of them.

Fuck you and your constantly calling me lazy in subtle passive aggressive ways

Fuck you for shitting on me like I'm unforgivable for accidentally triggering you ONCE

Fuck you for implying I'm the lazy one for struggling with my mental health while you do nothing but play conspiracy videos all day and even blast things at a high volume with no apologies

Fuck you for being friendly one minute and then unfriendly the next

Fuck you for looking down on others having similar struggles

Fuck you for expecting courtesy while giving none in return

Fuck you and your bossy obnoxious way of living

Fuck you for judging others while not wnting judgement yourself

FUCK. YOU.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.

Since moving back in together me (M23) and my sister (F26) have been butting heads because while apart I got very used to playfully teasing and having fun debates with my friends. It was a healthier way for me to handle my anger by not having it be something that had to be bottled up and then let out all at once, it could be released at safe levels with people I trusted. Well this past weekend we got into an argument because she hates any kind of disagreement or debate or teasing or anything and views it as malicious and I occasionally do it to her and I tried to explain that I would try but its hard for me to remember that she is the one person I cant do that with at all. she then went in that it was bad for me to do it at all even with trusted friends who have explicitly said that playful teasing an stuff is fine and they do it right back.

Leads to today where I blew up over some stupid shit she did that made me feel completely unwanted, and yeah I blew up(this consisted only of angry texting) and thats ultimately my fault but she got to get out of the whole thing painting me as the bad guy and that she didnt do anything wrong while I had to apologize for everything. It just feels like anytime she triggers me she just "doesnt get it" or I "just have to learn to live with it" while when I trigger her I "really need to be more considerate".

I don't know what to do at this point I am trying to control my outbursts but shit that seems unfair makes that really hard. I dont want her to hate me but I’m lost at this point

Has anything been triggering your fight mode lately? Made progress in healing it and want to celebrate? If so, tell us about it here.