Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Many of you might find it helpful to view Lise LeBlanc's videos on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@LiseLeblanc/videos . While many of her video's don't directly address CPTSD, there is overlap that helps those who are partners of those with CPTSD. Often, those with CPTSD may do things that hurt their partners or are things difficult to sort through. These things can resemble NPD or BPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder). But they are not the same as CPTSD. CPSTD "mistreatment" often comes not so much from a place of selfishness but from a place of pain in those who have it. They seek to protect themselves and those they love from behaviors that can resemble NPD. Here's a great video distinguishing between CPTSD and NPD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAFyxGsnqKc Nevertheless, sometimes the same behavior as those with NPD (especially covert NPD/ BPD comes across by those who have CPTSD. Behaviors such as the following happen in all these things: emotional dysregulation, frequent breakups and coming back together, ghosting, gaslighting, seemingly selfish behavior, seeking control of others. What do you all think?

my partner (20) has breakdowns that average to once a week. at weakest they involve isolating, self deprecating episodes, at worst they involve violent thrashing, self harm in the form of biting their own arms until bruised/scratching their neck, and screaming at other people.

one time their dad had to hold them from completely raging and their flailing was so violent the dad ended up with bruises albeit unintentional. and the other week I had to literally use all my body strength to stop them from jumping over subway railings. according to them and their mom they totally black out. when it's over (can range between 30 minutes to overnight), their energy is completely drained and they feel empty.

I'm told I have to let them let it out, but it's obviously an unhealthy and misplaced way of expressing oneself via self harm and collateral damage from breakdowns. embracing them used to help a bit, and words don't EVER work.

they are in such a distressed mental state they have no capacity to process words from other people. I'm really concerned about how to support them through a breakdown and how to de-escalate a bad one before anyone including them gets hurt.

I have suggested anger management and/or going back to therapy, but they are too scared to, and of course I don't wanna be that person that forces them to.

Anyone else experience this with their partners? How do you deal with it?

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

My partner struggles with CPTSD triggers, panic attacks, dissociation, and general bad feelings every day. He's triggered by a lot of everyday, normal occurrences like being around/in cars or interacting with judgemental strangers, even these small interactions can put him into dissociative bouts of anxiety that do not completely resolve for hours.

I really care about him and I want him to have a chance at feeling better, but with triggers that involve daily, normal, often unavoidable activities Im at a loss for what to do. He refuses to see a therapist bc its another trigger for him. No amount of reasoning or emotional support makes it better. The only way he claims he feels better if when he talks about his experience or trauma response for hours.

Im emotionally exhausted about talking about trauma and negativity for hours each day, its starting to affect my mental health and my ability to get things done every day, like work and chores. He doesnt have anyone else he can talk to.

This is hard, I want to support him and I need advice

A few advice/questions:

• How can I convince him he needs therapy? Would going with him help?
• Is there anything that has worked for your partner with CPTSD to make the triggers easier to cope with?
• Is there anything I can do to be a better partner for him?
• General advice on the situation?

TLDR: My partner has a lot of triggers with everyday, normal activities. He says the only thing that helps is talking about those experiences constantly. I am emotionally drained and its making my mental health worse by talking about trauma constantly. Need advice.

Hi, it's kinda all in the title. I'm dating this woman, who suffers from C-PTSD, and it's really difficult because she sees everything, and everything is important, nothing is unimportant. It feels overwhelming. For her and for me. How to make her feel good and still being an imperfect human being...

Hi all,

I (M43) met this incredible girl (F38) that has CPTSD due to repeated abuse in her childhood. We met intensely for a week, everything was so nice, communication is great, we talk a lot, well mostly her talking about her situation and every little things that triggers her...

Anyway, while everything seem nice, she calls me to list EVERY little frustrations she's had during the week, and concluded by saying it was over. I found that so weird, like she was trying to convince herself of that.

My question is this: Is this normal behaviour among people with C-PTSD, the fight or flight response and should I try to pursue and keep showing support, and try to convince her that we're good together so far, or not and let her be.

Thanks for the opinions.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

The problem my partner of 3 years and I most frequently encounter is the impossibility of talking through dificult topics. He's not well and his nervous system is very sensitive so he will mostly ask to talk about things the next day, the day after... I feel like I am always waiting for the "right" moment. For example we hade a nice weekend and yesterday, sunday, I told him in the morning that I would like to do our monthly "check in" because I have been dissatisfied with the relationship for the last 6 months and I want to talk about how things are going. When the evening came, I asked for that conversation and got a "can we talk about it tomorrow" again and I'm a bit fed up, it turned into a fight. How do y'all do it?

My wife of 2 years, dated for 5, suffers from CPTSD. Her childhood sounded awful when she would open up and talk about it, but her parents are still deeply involved with our lives and have been our biggest source of support. Our relationship would not have made it this far without my mother-in-law. And at worst what I have seen has been overly blunt language (her family is Nigerian) but I understand as an adult it's easier to shake that off or ignore it.

Through our relationship, we have had arguments and fights, but she would never let go of her hurt from these fights. It felt like a growing list of grievances after every argument. In bad fights I would hear about things she didn't like going back to the first 6 months of dating. It got exhausting.

About a year ago she started threatening to divorce and move out. It broke my heart when she threw her ring at me, but we tried to work through it. When she did it the third time, I just stopped caring. I resigned myself to this marriage because we needed eachother financially. I still acted nice and caring, but I stopped trying to engage with her physically and emotionally,she rejected me constantly anyways and it got exhausting, like dumping energy into a black hole.

Well two days ago on the day of our daughter's 2nd birthday. She tells me she has been texting someone. She said she felt guilty, but she just needed emotional support from someone. I ask her to show me the texts and she says she deleted them and his contact info. Something about her story didn't add up and I knew she was lying. She tells me she is moving out by November.

I'm still processing all this. I'm hurt more than I thought I would be, but a not insignificant part of me feels relief that this is coming to an end. Cheating is red line with me and the fact she wants to move out just make the decision to call it quits even easier. We will see I guess.

Anyways just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Hi. Sorry, but I have to vent. Maybe someone can tell me the logic behind this? My wife has cptsd and borderline traits.
My wife and I have decided to give our relationship a 12 month "trial" (my wifes idea actually, but that idea only surfaced after I told her I had to leave her. So this is a last resort) where we try to work our butts of, regarding our relationship. We have monthly evaluation meetings, where we talk about what we can try to do when my wife is triggered/how our marriage is working. We are currently on month 2.

She has taken care of our kids for 3 days (they are teenagers, so not too much to do really).
She did this, so I could be with a friend I havent seen for many years.
Very sweet of her.
I'm about to say goodbye to her and the kids and I can feel my wife going cold and distant.
While she is away with the kids in another appartment, I make sure to text her now and then. With "thank you" etc. She always responds in a brief manner. I give her a call one of the days, and she makes it short and says she can't talk much.
When I go to pick them up, I try to hold her hand in the car and chat a bit etc. She doesn't want to hold my hand. She is distant and cold.
After a while I start talking to her. I tell her that I can see that she is down. I thank her for taking care of the kids. That whatever she needs, we will do it. Should I go pick up stuff for dinner (so she doesnt have to cook), asks her if there is anything she needs. I make sure to tell her, whatever she needs, we will do it. I also tell her that I will make sure that the kids get to bed on time for the rest of the week etc. (that's normally her chore).

She then proceeds to tell me how I make her feel like she doestn exist. (But in reality she has been the cold one, giving the semi-silent treatment). That I should have gotten out of the car and greeted her. That I should have told her that I was grateful for her taking the kids (which I just did). That I should be more happy to see her (I was the happy one, she was the cold one). I tell her calmy that i'm sad that I made her sad and tell her that I actually tried doing exactly what she needed. That I don't see things the way she sees it, but i'm sorry for making her unhappy. She asks me if I understand why I made her sad. I say I don't understand why, but I understand that I made her sad. And that i'm sorry about making her sad. She clings to the idea that I cannot understand why I made her sad. This sends her downwards emotionally.
Things go down from there and over the next 10 min of talking, she crashes completely. I never really have too elevated emotions and always talk in a calm manner.

After 2 weeks we discuss this whole deal.
She immediatly says that I should have just validated her, instead of defending myself (I wasnt at all hard core defending myself, but just saying I dont agree with how she sees the situation).
We talk back and forth. She is very demanding in her tone and black/white in her thinking. Says she needs me to give attention to her/thank her etc when she has taken care of the kids for 3 days.
She says that I in general have a hard time acknoledging her feelings, and that she doesnt know if it's because I have pride or if i'm stubborn etc.
I explain that I actually did all that, and she was the cold one. She wont really admit it and says "but if I understood the situation, how I understood it, do you then understand that I got sad?" I say yes! completely. I then ask her the same, "do you understand that if I try to give her exactly what she asked for, even before she asked for it, and then got blamed for it afterwards, does she understand that I am frustrated/don't understand the situation?" she says yes.
She goes on about how I let her alone for the rest of the day and only checked in on her twice (I did check in on her more than that). I reply that she was the one who said no to all my suggestions about us going for a walk or eating something together. And she also told me that she could do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day.
She has no real reply to that.

We talk back and forth and things end on a semi good note. My wife is relieved, because it did not end in us being mad at each other (in reality it's her often ending up being super frustrated and me keeping pretty calm).
We hug etc. She says she finally feels heard and understood. Im relieved that she didnt get mad as well. We do seperate stuff after that.

5 min after that I can feel anger just boiling inside.
She has absolutely no connection to reality in cases like this. She almost never admits to anything. She blames a ton etc. I feel like there is so much more that needs to be talked through, but I know she will never understand or admit to anything. And I don't even want to bring it up, since she will be in bed for days probably, because it will make her crash.
I'm still angry today but don't want to tell her, because it will just start another cycle.....

Sorry for this, but I just have to vent. I'm angry and frustrated. I feel like she lives in an alternate reality. Things like this really makes me fall out of love with my wife.

I need to bring our recent discussion, or the topic of not feeling seen/understood, up in our monthly evaluation.

Ok: My wife has cptsd with borderline traits.
She can get super demanding, demeaning, unrealistic and unpleasent sometimes. Blame me for everything. She used to do this while raging, but now she uses a much more down to earth voice. Nice, but still not nice.

We have decided to give our relationship a 12 month "work" period and then divorce if we don't get our relationship working.
Because of this, my goal is to be compassionate (very easy for me), but still stand my ground/retain my sense of self.
The latter part, is harder for me, since people with BPD/CPTSD often tend to do all they can to erode those boundaries around you. Once my sense of self is gone, fear slowly starts to creep in and I am left with not knowing what i want and how I want it. It's an awful feeling.

How do you work to regain that/keep that at all times?
I need clear boundaries. I need to feel them inside. I want to stay self centeret, ancored in myself, so I can cut through all my wifes stuff, while still be passionate and work.

What do you do? What helps?
I have had enough. I want to feel better in 12 months, either with or without my wife. Meanwhile I just need to have a strong sense of my personal anchor, so I can cut through the crap.

Thanks!

I really wanted to salvage this marriage but I can no longer stand the verbal abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. The funny thing is, he’s the one who asked me to leave and said that it’s over, all because I refuse to submit to his ridiculous demands. I mean if not having control over me bothers him so much, then we probably shouldn’t be together. I was constantly just telling him the things he wanted to hear so he wouldn’t yell at and berate me, and that wasn’t sustainable. He just started EMDR therapy, and I really hope he continues to go and finds healing. It took the support of many friends and my therapist for me to finally see his behavior for what it is: abuse. I don’t think he realizes that’s what he’s doing, and I know he’s sick, but I’m no longer going to tolerate it.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

So we finally had some peace. About 2 weeks after my wife lost her job things setteled down we finally sort of worked on a budget figured some.t things out and got through this downhill phase and basically 5 days of mostly ok days has come to an end. It reached the point they wanted to be in a relationship again and I was not all the things they said I was for the most of the month...

This time it was because I had spent hours researching phone plans and was switching us over to a new provider.

When I got their phone to handle the switch it auto filled an emKl I had never seen before.

I asked about it and was told they done use it, and then I noticed they've been recording me with the an app tied to this email because it was in the recient apps list. Slrlthe e done the thing where an argument happens they yelled for abusive then walk away and return with their phone before all clam and I can tell it's to stage recording me upset after the arguements happened and I finally reacted to them.

I wase t shocked to see them but I was hurt a lot by being lied to about the email and then I'm just blindsided by it being in the last few used apps and sure enough it's all the days where we had hours long arguements and they are just the selective parts of them to make me look bad I guess. I wasn't going to say anything but I guess they senced the mood change and then pushed and pushed about what's wrong so I told them we'll... It's just I'm tired of being lied to and just wish it would stop... They promised in the past that we would not record our arguments but they keep crossing that boundary and it seems like they do it to get reactions after pushing me to try to use as a cotrol tactic later, but then also seem like they are a different person that would never do that other days. Anyways since they found out what I was upset about I was told they want a divorce dozens and dozens of times hate me don't love me wish I was dead etc they said they also wolisn they were dead .... And accused me of hunting a conflict... And I'm just like no I was setting up your phone since we switched carriers with your permission to do so and then a strange unknown emails account popped up to which you lied about it's use.

So no I'm not instigating I also attempted to avoid the conflict when I knew I had been lied to but now you've told me you wish I was dead or that yourself was and want a divorce... Those things are not ok.

Anyways it just sucks getting close thinking it could be stable and it blows up bigger and quicker Everytime it seems like it's peaceful again..

I wish the cycle would stop :(

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

(I'm new here; thanks for onboarding me.) My gf escaped a horrifyingly abusive relationship involving CSA, emotional, financial, and physical abuse--all of them to terrifying, even life-threatening, extremes. She is doing amazingly well on her healing journey, is compliant with medications, and has sought therapy (though that has been interrupted because circumstances). As is completely normal in such a situation, she is triggered now and again, and once in increasingly rare whiles she undergoes a full-on flashback that is torture for her and scary for me. I've read a lot (Body Keeps the Score, etc.) about what healing journeys look like, yet I've not found much in the way of advice for the non-CPTSD partner who is trying to be supportive. The triggered-but-not-fully-flashback episodes are difficult to navigate because she walls me off and becomes pretty difficult to engage with. The big flashback crying episodes are scarier but kind of easier to deal with because they manifest really clearly, unlike the less-extreme moments. Can anyone suggest resources for me to learn to cope and be supportive during these episodes? Thanks so much in advance!!!

How far does this go before you give it up and move on? I feel like it's abusive every day and is physically abusive

Why did you go over the edge and and finally leave?

Hey I'm a bit new here in still on the fence as to if they are a narc but they had a narc mother and diagnosed with cptsd.

Lately the outburst has started involving physical altercation usually with pushing or coincidental bumping like a shoulder bump, name calling and also referring to me as one of her 3 parents from child hood.

And basically saying that I'm just like all her parents who lost her to fostercare but then hates them 20 later all her parents (broken them broken again so 4 parents that lost her to foster car. Is this normal for them to constantly compare you to something of their past and then go into week long crazy spirals then of abuse and destuction

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

My wife (38F) and I (39M) have a complicated history. We met in an extremely conservative church environment, got married 9 months later, and had our first of two kids shortly after that.

During those early years especially, I caused a lot of harm to her, a lot of it unknowingly, with controlling behavior, some of it emotionally abusive. I am deeply ashamed of how I’ve hurt her. We would operate in a way where 97% of the time everything seemed fine, but she’d occasionally become almost a different person expressing anger and hurt - I didn’t really know what to do in those situations.

Fast forward to now, we’ve left religion, done couples therapy twice, and are each in personal therapy. I have learned I have insecure attachment, she has CPTSD from intense childhood trauma, and how this creates a volatile cocktail.

We got far in our second couples therapy, I felt like we were making progress with more openness/closeness than I’ve ever felt with her. However recently as she’s processed past pain, she doesn’t want me around, has expressed how she has wanted to leave me for a long time, and would leave if it didn’t impact our kids so much and didn’t leave her alone (she did say I’m her best friend). She clearly wants space and distance and does not want closeness right now.

I want to respect her space and boundaries, I want her to have agency and feel safe with me. I also want to create a path towards healing. This is hard for me as I it feels very abrupt and sudden, but I know for her she’s felt feelings but never expressed them.

How can I be the best support for her as she’s working through trauma and our past hurts? I am trying to avoid my own insecure behaviors of leaning on her for comfort, but it also feels strange to be so…..cold and avoidant around each other.

And how hopeful should I be? I’m trying to be realistic that we may never have the closeness/safety I want, due to the trauma and the hurt I’ve caused in the last.

Around five months ago, I met a girl online and we fell head over heels in love.

She‘s so beautiful and j couldn’t imagine my life without her anymore.

It was like we clicked instantly and we’re aligned in all the important ways.

She wants to get engaged after six months, and I want that too - but a couple of friends think it’s too early.

They’re concerned that she has serious childhood trauma, but she’s in regular therapy, she seems fine - just some anxiety really.

And I know I’d stand by her whatever comes.

She’d also love to have kids, and I want that too!

Does anyone have any insight into this?

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Do people with CPTSD see other people as people?

My ex partner told me (after six months of texting and after meeting up three times) that she’d looked me up on google, found out that a parent had died, and that she was sad that I didn’t tell her.

She once told me she could ‘manipulate the sh*t out of me’.

She once said I was like her toy that should could dress how she wanted without me complaining (it was a joke, but it was a random one with no context - and it’s not true, I’m pretty particular about what I wear).

Then she told me that she thought she might like to date other people - I told her that was okay, but that I’d date other people too (it wasn’t a threat, I was just letting her know). She was really surprised, and decided she didn’t want that after all - it made me wonder what she was expecting from me while she was off with other guys.

She also told me she‘s desperate for kids - in her words ‘they regulate me’; and she told me that in her younger days, she didn’t want a husband - she just wanted kid, and you needed a husband to have kids. She told me she feels different now.

It makes me wonder if she sees other people as separate to her, or whether she sort of thinks everyone exists to serve her needs.

Is that a CPTSD trait?

I’m trying really hard to set and enforce boundaries for myself, but it’s really hard when my husband’s behavior is so confusing. I’m not sure what his real and valid emotions are vs a trauma response. When he’s having a trauma response he takes it out on me. Suddenly I’m a horrible person with no redeeming qualities. I’ve decided I’m not going to put up with the yelling and berating. But now he’s found a loophole for that, where he wants to calmly “talk” and he doesn’t raise his voice, but I can tell he’s still not in the right state of mind, and he will continue to make me out as the bad guy, and it overall just doesn’t feel like a productive conversation. It feels like an attempt for him to regulate himself at my expense.

But healthy relationships consist of open and honest communication, so it’s not like I can just avoid serious conversations with him altogether. I’m just not sure how or when to cut things off. It’s so hard to set a boundary when the lines are already so blurry. Has anyone here successfully set and enforced boundaries? How did you do it? Did it end up being beneficial?

So my partner and I recently celebrated our two year anniversary. We’re both in our early twenties, and they were diagnosed with PTSD about two years before we met. I knew very early on that it wouldn’t be easy. We took think very slow. They are one of the kindest and most considerate of people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They’re my best friend, and I love them very much. But I have begun to grow numb to the pattern that has developed.

I saw on someone else’s post that they described their relationship as either “wonderful or terrible”. I’m often portrayed as the “bad guy” in our relationship during arguments. I will admit that I absolutely do make mistakes, but I also feel that they are often blown far out of proportion. It only feels like these arguments occur when they’re in school and experiencing other external stress. And it never seems to matter what conclusion or understanding that we arrive at by the end of the argument, because weeks or months later they’ll speak about it like there was no understanding or resolution. It makes me feel like I’m on a different planet. On two occasions in the last year they have taken every gift, every momento, everything they have gathered from our relationship and stuffed it into a trash bag. They have then taken said bag and dropped it off at my apartment. The last three mornings I have checked my doorstep for a trash bag.

I have spent much of this last year wondering if I’m crazy. I can’t tell what’s a symptom of her PTSD, what’s her, what should be excused, etc. It feels like our relationship is at an end for a third time this year, for reasons that I can’t even fully explain, and I don’t think that they can either.

It feels like they don’t know how they feel. At times it feels like they’re trying to get me to break up with them, and when I finally reach a point where I’m about to, they pull me back. And the most exhausting thing, the most frustrating, is that it feels like they have insane expectations of me. And what am I supposed to say? “Your expectations of me are too high, aim lower.” It feels impossible.

Currently, they are upset with me because they feel that they are “constantly competing for my affection”. Even though I’ve spent more of my free time with them than anyone else in the last year. I have tried as hard as I can to make the most of that time as well. But I had suggested that we have a special weekend before they return for their final semester of school. I have been stretched very thin as of late with issues that have been occurring in my family. I mismanaged the time remaining before the end of their break, and we did not have this special weekend. However, I spent an evening with my friends, and this current conflict stems from that. Truthfully, after everything I’d been experiencing with my family I kind of needed that time with my friends, which my partner does not seem to understand. There hasn’t really been any arguing this time, no yelling at least. They’ve said that they’ve needed space. I’ve given that. We attempted to talk about over the weekend. We had one conversation Saturday night and things seemed to go well. We spoke again on Sunday, and it was like they had forgotten everything that we had talked about the night prior.

It also worth mentioning that their PTSD stems from an abusive relationship that ended only about 2 years before they met me. I’m the first partner that they have had outside of that relationship. I feel like they know that they need to set their expectations higher after the horrible treatment that they received but do not know what is and isn’t acceptable. I have absolutely made mistakes in our relationship.

Also, they often tend to speak about issues like this in an almost detective like manor. It makes me feel like I’m a specimen. And I often feel like I’m being interrogated over things that are mostly minor.

With this current issue, I feel like there is reason to be upset. I suggested making plans and they didn’t end up happening. But I feel like the reaction to the issue is disproportionate. Sometimes it feels like they want to be a victim, and every fiber of my being hates that I just said that. The other thing is that I have no idea how to talk about these things with them. It makes me feel like a bad person when I do. And then it never seems to matter when I do. It often feels like ten steps forward and then ten steps back.

I just love them, and I don’t what to do

Back in late March, she told me she loved me.

In April, she disappeared on me.

She kept messaging, then vanishing.

In June, I saw her with a new man.

I messaged her to wish her well and told her I was cutting all contact.

The next day, he called and threatened me (apparently I’d been stalking and harassing her - which is rubbish - after her April disappearance, she always messaged me first, and other than that, we didn’t ever really talk).

Four months after they started dating?

Theyre engaged.

I feel like she got away with treating me absolutely horribly (consistently pushing sexual boundaries, shouting, swearing, driving me off in her car at 11pm to yell at me in some random car park somewhere, breaking up with me, continuing to message me to say she missed me while dating other guys etc, telling me she could manipulate the sh*t out of me etc…)

I don’t want her back, I just wish it didn’t feel so unjust.

My partner is triggered by raised voices. Im a stay at home mom of 3 young kids. There are definitely raised voices sometimes (not angry yelling and screaming; I mean like when you have to repeat yourself 4,5,6 times and you get louder each time). When it's me, he denigrates me as a mom. Says I have anger issues, the kids walk on egg shells, feel beat down by me, etc. Then will later apologize saying his trigger response had nothing to do with me, Im a great mom, it was his "5 year old self" acting out, etc.

I'm so tired of being blamed for things other people (his parents) did to him while also being expected to coddle him after mentally and emotionally abuses me because he's "triggered". This has been a pattern for 2 decades. Im just now able to see it for what it is after being in individual therapy for over a year.

He's also in therapy now. Is there any hope of this kind of manipulation changing? Also want to add that he himself yells at the kids....