My wife of 2 years, dated for 5, suffers from CPTSD. Her childhood sounded awful when she would open up and talk about it, but her parents are still deeply involved with our lives and have been our biggest source of support. Our relationship would not have made it this far without my mother-in-law. And at worst what I have seen has been overly blunt language (her family is Nigerian) but I understand as an adult it's easier to shake that off or ignore it.

Through our relationship, we have had arguments and fights, but she would never let go of her hurt from these fights. It felt like a growing list of grievances after every argument. In bad fights I would hear about things she didn't like going back to the first 6 months of dating. It got exhausting.

About a year ago she started threatening to divorce and move out. It broke my heart when she threw her ring at me, but we tried to work through it. When she did it the third time, I just stopped caring. I resigned myself to this marriage because we needed eachother financially. I still acted nice and caring, but I stopped trying to engage with her physically and emotionally,she rejected me constantly anyways and it got exhausting, like dumping energy into a black hole.

Well two days ago on the day of our daughter's 2nd birthday. She tells me she has been texting someone. She said she felt guilty, but she just needed emotional support from someone. I ask her to show me the texts and she says she deleted them and his contact info. Something about her story didn't add up and I knew she was lying. She tells me she is moving out by November.

I'm still processing all this. I'm hurt more than I thought I would be, but a not insignificant part of me feels relief that this is coming to an end. Cheating is red line with me and the fact she wants to move out just make the decision to call it quits even easier. We will see I guess.

Anyways just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Hi. Sorry, but I have to vent. Maybe someone can tell me the logic behind this? My wife has cptsd and borderline traits.
My wife and I have decided to give our relationship a 12 month "trial" (my wifes idea actually, but that idea only surfaced after I told her I had to leave her. So this is a last resort) where we try to work our butts of, regarding our relationship. We have monthly evaluation meetings, where we talk about what we can try to do when my wife is triggered/how our marriage is working. We are currently on month 2.

She has taken care of our kids for 3 days (they are teenagers, so not too much to do really).
She did this, so I could be with a friend I havent seen for many years.
Very sweet of her.
I'm about to say goodbye to her and the kids and I can feel my wife going cold and distant.
While she is away with the kids in another appartment, I make sure to text her now and then. With "thank you" etc. She always responds in a brief manner. I give her a call one of the days, and she makes it short and says she can't talk much.
When I go to pick them up, I try to hold her hand in the car and chat a bit etc. She doesn't want to hold my hand. She is distant and cold.
After a while I start talking to her. I tell her that I can see that she is down. I thank her for taking care of the kids. That whatever she needs, we will do it. Should I go pick up stuff for dinner (so she doesnt have to cook), asks her if there is anything she needs. I make sure to tell her, whatever she needs, we will do it. I also tell her that I will make sure that the kids get to bed on time for the rest of the week etc. (that's normally her chore).

She then proceeds to tell me how I make her feel like she doestn exist. (But in reality she has been the cold one, giving the semi-silent treatment). That I should have gotten out of the car and greeted her. That I should have told her that I was grateful for her taking the kids (which I just did). That I should be more happy to see her (I was the happy one, she was the cold one). I tell her calmy that i'm sad that I made her sad and tell her that I actually tried doing exactly what she needed. That I don't see things the way she sees it, but i'm sorry for making her unhappy. She asks me if I understand why I made her sad. I say I don't understand why, but I understand that I made her sad. And that i'm sorry about making her sad. She clings to the idea that I cannot understand why I made her sad. This sends her downwards emotionally.
Things go down from there and over the next 10 min of talking, she crashes completely. I never really have too elevated emotions and always talk in a calm manner.

After 2 weeks we discuss this whole deal.
She immediatly says that I should have just validated her, instead of defending myself (I wasnt at all hard core defending myself, but just saying I dont agree with how she sees the situation).
We talk back and forth. She is very demanding in her tone and black/white in her thinking. Says she needs me to give attention to her/thank her etc when she has taken care of the kids for 3 days.
She says that I in general have a hard time acknoledging her feelings, and that she doesnt know if it's because I have pride or if i'm stubborn etc.
I explain that I actually did all that, and she was the cold one. She wont really admit it and says "but if I understood the situation, how I understood it, do you then understand that I got sad?" I say yes! completely. I then ask her the same, "do you understand that if I try to give her exactly what she asked for, even before she asked for it, and then got blamed for it afterwards, does she understand that I am frustrated/don't understand the situation?" she says yes.
She goes on about how I let her alone for the rest of the day and only checked in on her twice (I did check in on her more than that). I reply that she was the one who said no to all my suggestions about us going for a walk or eating something together. And she also told me that she could do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day.
She has no real reply to that.

We talk back and forth and things end on a semi good note. My wife is relieved, because it did not end in us being mad at each other (in reality it's her often ending up being super frustrated and me keeping pretty calm).
We hug etc. She says she finally feels heard and understood. Im relieved that she didnt get mad as well. We do seperate stuff after that.

5 min after that I can feel anger just boiling inside.
She has absolutely no connection to reality in cases like this. She almost never admits to anything. She blames a ton etc. I feel like there is so much more that needs to be talked through, but I know she will never understand or admit to anything. And I don't even want to bring it up, since she will be in bed for days probably, because it will make her crash.
I'm still angry today but don't want to tell her, because it will just start another cycle.....

Sorry for this, but I just have to vent. I'm angry and frustrated. I feel like she lives in an alternate reality. Things like this really makes me fall out of love with my wife.

I need to bring our recent discussion, or the topic of not feeling seen/understood, up in our monthly evaluation.

Ok: My wife has cptsd with borderline traits.
She can get super demanding, demeaning, unrealistic and unpleasent sometimes. Blame me for everything. She used to do this while raging, but now she uses a much more down to earth voice. Nice, but still not nice.

We have decided to give our relationship a 12 month "work" period and then divorce if we don't get our relationship working.
Because of this, my goal is to be compassionate (very easy for me), but still stand my ground/retain my sense of self.
The latter part, is harder for me, since people with BPD/CPTSD often tend to do all they can to erode those boundaries around you. Once my sense of self is gone, fear slowly starts to creep in and I am left with not knowing what i want and how I want it. It's an awful feeling.

How do you work to regain that/keep that at all times?
I need clear boundaries. I need to feel them inside. I want to stay self centeret, ancored in myself, so I can cut through all my wifes stuff, while still be passionate and work.

What do you do? What helps?
I have had enough. I want to feel better in 12 months, either with or without my wife. Meanwhile I just need to have a strong sense of my personal anchor, so I can cut through the crap.

Thanks!

I really wanted to salvage this marriage but I can no longer stand the verbal abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. The funny thing is, he’s the one who asked me to leave and said that it’s over, all because I refuse to submit to his ridiculous demands. I mean if not having control over me bothers him so much, then we probably shouldn’t be together. I was constantly just telling him the things he wanted to hear so he wouldn’t yell at and berate me, and that wasn’t sustainable. He just started EMDR therapy, and I really hope he continues to go and finds healing. It took the support of many friends and my therapist for me to finally see his behavior for what it is: abuse. I don’t think he realizes that’s what he’s doing, and I know he’s sick, but I’m no longer going to tolerate it.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

So we finally had some peace. About 2 weeks after my wife lost her job things setteled down we finally sort of worked on a budget figured some.t things out and got through this downhill phase and basically 5 days of mostly ok days has come to an end. It reached the point they wanted to be in a relationship again and I was not all the things they said I was for the most of the month...

This time it was because I had spent hours researching phone plans and was switching us over to a new provider.

When I got their phone to handle the switch it auto filled an emKl I had never seen before.

I asked about it and was told they done use it, and then I noticed they've been recording me with the an app tied to this email because it was in the recient apps list. Slrlthe e done the thing where an argument happens they yelled for abusive then walk away and return with their phone before all clam and I can tell it's to stage recording me upset after the arguements happened and I finally reacted to them.

I wase t shocked to see them but I was hurt a lot by being lied to about the email and then I'm just blindsided by it being in the last few used apps and sure enough it's all the days where we had hours long arguements and they are just the selective parts of them to make me look bad I guess. I wasn't going to say anything but I guess they senced the mood change and then pushed and pushed about what's wrong so I told them we'll... It's just I'm tired of being lied to and just wish it would stop... They promised in the past that we would not record our arguments but they keep crossing that boundary and it seems like they do it to get reactions after pushing me to try to use as a cotrol tactic later, but then also seem like they are a different person that would never do that other days. Anyways since they found out what I was upset about I was told they want a divorce dozens and dozens of times hate me don't love me wish I was dead etc they said they also wolisn they were dead .... And accused me of hunting a conflict... And I'm just like no I was setting up your phone since we switched carriers with your permission to do so and then a strange unknown emails account popped up to which you lied about it's use.

So no I'm not instigating I also attempted to avoid the conflict when I knew I had been lied to but now you've told me you wish I was dead or that yourself was and want a divorce... Those things are not ok.

Anyways it just sucks getting close thinking it could be stable and it blows up bigger and quicker Everytime it seems like it's peaceful again..

I wish the cycle would stop :(

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

(I'm new here; thanks for onboarding me.) My gf escaped a horrifyingly abusive relationship involving CSA, emotional, financial, and physical abuse--all of them to terrifying, even life-threatening, extremes. She is doing amazingly well on her healing journey, is compliant with medications, and has sought therapy (though that has been interrupted because circumstances). As is completely normal in such a situation, she is triggered now and again, and once in increasingly rare whiles she undergoes a full-on flashback that is torture for her and scary for me. I've read a lot (Body Keeps the Score, etc.) about what healing journeys look like, yet I've not found much in the way of advice for the non-CPTSD partner who is trying to be supportive. The triggered-but-not-fully-flashback episodes are difficult to navigate because she walls me off and becomes pretty difficult to engage with. The big flashback crying episodes are scarier but kind of easier to deal with because they manifest really clearly, unlike the less-extreme moments. Can anyone suggest resources for me to learn to cope and be supportive during these episodes? Thanks so much in advance!!!

How far does this go before you give it up and move on? I feel like it's abusive every day and is physically abusive

Why did you go over the edge and and finally leave?

Hey I'm a bit new here in still on the fence as to if they are a narc but they had a narc mother and diagnosed with cptsd.

Lately the outburst has started involving physical altercation usually with pushing or coincidental bumping like a shoulder bump, name calling and also referring to me as one of her 3 parents from child hood.

And basically saying that I'm just like all her parents who lost her to fostercare but then hates them 20 later all her parents (broken them broken again so 4 parents that lost her to foster car. Is this normal for them to constantly compare you to something of their past and then go into week long crazy spirals then of abuse and destuction

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

My wife (38F) and I (39M) have a complicated history. We met in an extremely conservative church environment, got married 9 months later, and had our first of two kids shortly after that.

During those early years especially, I caused a lot of harm to her, a lot of it unknowingly, with controlling behavior, some of it emotionally abusive. I am deeply ashamed of how I’ve hurt her. We would operate in a way where 97% of the time everything seemed fine, but she’d occasionally become almost a different person expressing anger and hurt - I didn’t really know what to do in those situations.

Fast forward to now, we’ve left religion, done couples therapy twice, and are each in personal therapy. I have learned I have insecure attachment, she has CPTSD from intense childhood trauma, and how this creates a volatile cocktail.

We got far in our second couples therapy, I felt like we were making progress with more openness/closeness than I’ve ever felt with her. However recently as she’s processed past pain, she doesn’t want me around, has expressed how she has wanted to leave me for a long time, and would leave if it didn’t impact our kids so much and didn’t leave her alone (she did say I’m her best friend). She clearly wants space and distance and does not want closeness right now.

I want to respect her space and boundaries, I want her to have agency and feel safe with me. I also want to create a path towards healing. This is hard for me as I it feels very abrupt and sudden, but I know for her she’s felt feelings but never expressed them.

How can I be the best support for her as she’s working through trauma and our past hurts? I am trying to avoid my own insecure behaviors of leaning on her for comfort, but it also feels strange to be so…..cold and avoidant around each other.

And how hopeful should I be? I’m trying to be realistic that we may never have the closeness/safety I want, due to the trauma and the hurt I’ve caused in the last.

Around five months ago, I met a girl online and we fell head over heels in love.

She‘s so beautiful and j couldn’t imagine my life without her anymore.

It was like we clicked instantly and we’re aligned in all the important ways.

She wants to get engaged after six months, and I want that too - but a couple of friends think it’s too early.

They’re concerned that she has serious childhood trauma, but she’s in regular therapy, she seems fine - just some anxiety really.

And I know I’d stand by her whatever comes.

She’d also love to have kids, and I want that too!

Does anyone have any insight into this?

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Do people with CPTSD see other people as people?

My ex partner told me (after six months of texting and after meeting up three times) that she’d looked me up on google, found out that a parent had died, and that she was sad that I didn’t tell her.

She once told me she could ‘manipulate the sh*t out of me’.

She once said I was like her toy that should could dress how she wanted without me complaining (it was a joke, but it was a random one with no context - and it’s not true, I’m pretty particular about what I wear).

Then she told me that she thought she might like to date other people - I told her that was okay, but that I’d date other people too (it wasn’t a threat, I was just letting her know). She was really surprised, and decided she didn’t want that after all - it made me wonder what she was expecting from me while she was off with other guys.

She also told me she‘s desperate for kids - in her words ‘they regulate me’; and she told me that in her younger days, she didn’t want a husband - she just wanted kid, and you needed a husband to have kids. She told me she feels different now.

It makes me wonder if she sees other people as separate to her, or whether she sort of thinks everyone exists to serve her needs.

Is that a CPTSD trait?

I’m trying really hard to set and enforce boundaries for myself, but it’s really hard when my husband’s behavior is so confusing. I’m not sure what his real and valid emotions are vs a trauma response. When he’s having a trauma response he takes it out on me. Suddenly I’m a horrible person with no redeeming qualities. I’ve decided I’m not going to put up with the yelling and berating. But now he’s found a loophole for that, where he wants to calmly “talk” and he doesn’t raise his voice, but I can tell he’s still not in the right state of mind, and he will continue to make me out as the bad guy, and it overall just doesn’t feel like a productive conversation. It feels like an attempt for him to regulate himself at my expense.

But healthy relationships consist of open and honest communication, so it’s not like I can just avoid serious conversations with him altogether. I’m just not sure how or when to cut things off. It’s so hard to set a boundary when the lines are already so blurry. Has anyone here successfully set and enforced boundaries? How did you do it? Did it end up being beneficial?

So my partner and I recently celebrated our two year anniversary. We’re both in our early twenties, and they were diagnosed with PTSD about two years before we met. I knew very early on that it wouldn’t be easy. We took think very slow. They are one of the kindest and most considerate of people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They’re my best friend, and I love them very much. But I have begun to grow numb to the pattern that has developed.

I saw on someone else’s post that they described their relationship as either “wonderful or terrible”. I’m often portrayed as the “bad guy” in our relationship during arguments. I will admit that I absolutely do make mistakes, but I also feel that they are often blown far out of proportion. It only feels like these arguments occur when they’re in school and experiencing other external stress. And it never seems to matter what conclusion or understanding that we arrive at by the end of the argument, because weeks or months later they’ll speak about it like there was no understanding or resolution. It makes me feel like I’m on a different planet. On two occasions in the last year they have taken every gift, every momento, everything they have gathered from our relationship and stuffed it into a trash bag. They have then taken said bag and dropped it off at my apartment. The last three mornings I have checked my doorstep for a trash bag.

I have spent much of this last year wondering if I’m crazy. I can’t tell what’s a symptom of her PTSD, what’s her, what should be excused, etc. It feels like our relationship is at an end for a third time this year, for reasons that I can’t even fully explain, and I don’t think that they can either.

It feels like they don’t know how they feel. At times it feels like they’re trying to get me to break up with them, and when I finally reach a point where I’m about to, they pull me back. And the most exhausting thing, the most frustrating, is that it feels like they have insane expectations of me. And what am I supposed to say? “Your expectations of me are too high, aim lower.” It feels impossible.

Currently, they are upset with me because they feel that they are “constantly competing for my affection”. Even though I’ve spent more of my free time with them than anyone else in the last year. I have tried as hard as I can to make the most of that time as well. But I had suggested that we have a special weekend before they return for their final semester of school. I have been stretched very thin as of late with issues that have been occurring in my family. I mismanaged the time remaining before the end of their break, and we did not have this special weekend. However, I spent an evening with my friends, and this current conflict stems from that. Truthfully, after everything I’d been experiencing with my family I kind of needed that time with my friends, which my partner does not seem to understand. There hasn’t really been any arguing this time, no yelling at least. They’ve said that they’ve needed space. I’ve given that. We attempted to talk about over the weekend. We had one conversation Saturday night and things seemed to go well. We spoke again on Sunday, and it was like they had forgotten everything that we had talked about the night prior.

It also worth mentioning that their PTSD stems from an abusive relationship that ended only about 2 years before they met me. I’m the first partner that they have had outside of that relationship. I feel like they know that they need to set their expectations higher after the horrible treatment that they received but do not know what is and isn’t acceptable. I have absolutely made mistakes in our relationship.

Also, they often tend to speak about issues like this in an almost detective like manor. It makes me feel like I’m a specimen. And I often feel like I’m being interrogated over things that are mostly minor.

With this current issue, I feel like there is reason to be upset. I suggested making plans and they didn’t end up happening. But I feel like the reaction to the issue is disproportionate. Sometimes it feels like they want to be a victim, and every fiber of my being hates that I just said that. The other thing is that I have no idea how to talk about these things with them. It makes me feel like a bad person when I do. And then it never seems to matter when I do. It often feels like ten steps forward and then ten steps back.

I just love them, and I don’t what to do

Back in late March, she told me she loved me.

In April, she disappeared on me.

She kept messaging, then vanishing.

In June, I saw her with a new man.

I messaged her to wish her well and told her I was cutting all contact.

The next day, he called and threatened me (apparently I’d been stalking and harassing her - which is rubbish - after her April disappearance, she always messaged me first, and other than that, we didn’t ever really talk).

Four months after they started dating?

Theyre engaged.

I feel like she got away with treating me absolutely horribly (consistently pushing sexual boundaries, shouting, swearing, driving me off in her car at 11pm to yell at me in some random car park somewhere, breaking up with me, continuing to message me to say she missed me while dating other guys etc, telling me she could manipulate the sh*t out of me etc…)

I don’t want her back, I just wish it didn’t feel so unjust.

My partner is triggered by raised voices. Im a stay at home mom of 3 young kids. There are definitely raised voices sometimes (not angry yelling and screaming; I mean like when you have to repeat yourself 4,5,6 times and you get louder each time). When it's me, he denigrates me as a mom. Says I have anger issues, the kids walk on egg shells, feel beat down by me, etc. Then will later apologize saying his trigger response had nothing to do with me, Im a great mom, it was his "5 year old self" acting out, etc.

I'm so tired of being blamed for things other people (his parents) did to him while also being expected to coddle him after mentally and emotionally abuses me because he's "triggered". This has been a pattern for 2 decades. Im just now able to see it for what it is after being in individual therapy for over a year.

He's also in therapy now. Is there any hope of this kind of manipulation changing? Also want to add that he himself yells at the kids....

Hi everyone ! I’m sharing to partially vent, but also see if there are others who can relate to my experience, and have any advice or encouragement. I’m typically a hopeful and positive person, but I currently feel emotionally exhausted and hopeless.

I’ve been with my partner for close to 7 years. She’s in her mid 50’s and only in the past 10 months was given a diagnosis of CPTSD, and last month ADHD. She’s known that she’s had depression for most of her life, but when the new diagnosis’s came into play, suddenly so much made sense for the both of us. There was hope on the horizon, and I even saw it at first.

She’s medicated and in therapy, and we mostly have amazing times, but several times a year we will have an argument, disagreement or fight (like anyone) and she will fall apart emotionally and abruptly breakup with me. She gets stuck in black and white thinking. We are either wonderful, or horrible… rarely anything in between. I’m not perfect and sometimes I’ll pick fights or bring things up at not the best time or in the best way in response to her symptoms (I’m still learning and working on how to respond and not react) , but I’m tired of walking on eggshells and being made to feel like the bad guy. I don’t think she comprehends how painful things can be for me at times. I don’t want to add to her suffering and make her feel bad, so I do my best to not pile that on her, but she overheard me tell someone the other day that it’s been rough at times being with her, especially with all the breakups, and she took it hard and did the very thing I was talking about (breakup’s … the irony isn’t lost on me).

I started therapy a few months back to help me cope, and I’m in a support group for partners of those with CPTSD (but it hasn’t been very helpful or dependable as of late). My partner was doing really well post diagnosis at first (talking through things and not breaking up, considering my feelings), and then in the last couple months it feels like we’ve taken ten steps back. I know it’s suppose to get worse before it gets better, and I’m working to have radical acceptance about such, but I’m just struggling to see the hope right now. She just broke up with me for the second time in two months, and these poor coping mechanisms are really hurting my feelings. I don’t want to be resentful and I know she’s dysregulated, and trying to feel safe and in control when she does this, but it’s not always easy to not take it personally.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with her trauma and mental health hurdles, and I know she doesn’t chose to behave in these ways (breakup cycles, defensiveness, all or nothing thinking, issues with vulnerability , etc.). I love her and I want us to work out, but I’m really having a hard time holding onto hope for us at the moment, especially after I got the chance to see such growth and wonderful times before things began to do downhill again.

Thanks for listening.

Has anyone else realized that they themselves, the partner of someone with CPTSD, has their own personal trauma from the abuser of their partners? I used to think I had something of a relationship with my MIL before the specific moment that we finally understood the depth of her abuse. That was a wild realization for me.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Hi.

[Tl;dr]

Met a great girl online, in the beginning of Summer. She has CPTSD, bipolar type 1(though revised to type 2, as of a couple of days ago) and, like me, is on the spectrum. We also have overlap, when it comes to the matter of inner wellbeing, in that several years ago, for about 1+1/2 years or so, I myself was in a very bad mental place myself, though not on the level of having trauma like her, let alone her level of trauma.

We have yet to meet (fortunately, she's in a nearby town) but we already have a great connection that's formed in a short time span and I want to be the best help and support for her that I can be. As she is a very young adult, she has the disadvantage of having a more steep uphill climb, as she's been consistently led down a traumatic path in childhood, when the brain is starting to develop. On the other hand, she displays a great deal of maturity for her age range, which no doubt will be of great help to her.

I want to learn how to best support and help her.

So far, I have learned that I will have to pay attention to needs and boundaries. Listening goes a very long way. Make her feel reassured that my heart is in right place, not just through my behaviour in general, but also SHOWING her that I am looking for knowledge on her conditions/diagnoses.

[End of tl:dr section]

In the beginning of June, I met this girl online. She's a very young adult who is in the stage of trying to change, with a history of CSA, emotional abuse and various addictions that took form as a result of what she's been through.

It should also be noted that she has bipolar type 1 and, like me, is on the spectrum. The latter being a good thing for us, as both of us being on the spectrum makes it easier for us to understand each other.

From the start, it was made clear that chronic pain and fatigue would sometimes cause her to have a hard time maintaining a connection for periods of time.

While we haven't been consistently talking to each other, I'd say it's a "quality over quantity" in that the overall amount of time we've spent with each other (mainly video calls) has been a great time where already at the very first one, a few days after we started talking, we went about +3 hours, from late at night to early morning (she tends to be quite awake at night, due to her situation and various medications). Heck, in the middle of the video call, she gladly said that we should meet up, without me in any way having made a hint about the topic."

And then another one, not so long, for about +1 hour, just a couple of days after.

Now we're in the middle of June and this is where a great start came to almost completely standstill, for about 4,5-5 weeks, save for a chat moment of texts and voice messages in early July. Other than that, the chat had been pretty much dead, during this time period, save for a couple of attempts from me to start a conversation.

Honestly, those last 2 weeks or so, of that period, is where my head started to fight against itself - one side saying "come on, you know it's common sense, just move on and try forming a connection with somebody else". The other side saying "common sense usually applies, yes, but remember that she operates differently from others. Be patient. You two will be back on track with each other". And I did write to her that I would appreciate her making it clear where we stand (in her eyes), whenever she felt good and not tired/in pain, to talk for a moment. This request was met, again, with no response.

Then, finally, came a moment, a little after the middle of July. A moment that would lead to about 2 weeks of way more talking, between us.

She said she would need a lot of time to process that message I mentioned (which, in fairness, was a lengthy one), and it doesn't help that with her emotional baggage, she has a hard time remembering and processing stuff.

I asked if she had a moment now, for me to simplify and break down everything and she just said pretty much "voice or video call? That way, you can feel reassured that I am listening ^_^".

Good god, the way she was "^_^" right away with me, without even the slightest hint of being so much as annoyed, though she had every right to be.

What follows is another +3 hours video call (again, late night to dawn) where she explained her absence, appreciates me using constructive criticism, she's glad to have me in her life, and so on... and then we just kept talking, as if nothing had happened or changed, as if we picked up right where we left off before the middle of June. Heck, she even confided something about her, to me, something that she says is very careful about who she tells.

I also made my stance clear, on wanting to help her, so I asked if there was anything I could do to help her. She said there was not and that others in her life... what was it she said... I think was something to the effect of having to come to terms with there not being anything that could be done to help her?

At any rate - heck, we even had a quick moment just hours later, early noon, when she wrote to me and asked if I was up for a video call while she waited for the bus.

So from here, up until first week of August, almost two weeks, we talked a whole lot, not just lengthier video calls (for the most part initiated by her asking me in chat if I was down for having one) but also quick text sessions, like when she texted me "Hello" and said that she was finally done with cleaning up. She said she was in pain and tired, so the conversation was short-lived but I want to imagine that "despite her feeling rough, she still wanted to bring herself to talk to me, if only for at least a very short moment".

This is also where we started talking on a more deeper/serious level with each other. Values, norms, various issues and questions regarding society... yeah, a whole lot under the sun. Particularly two nights-mornings in a row, one video call for +5 hours, the following night-morning +4 hours. We already had a pretty good connection from the start but it was in this time period that it got strong. Real, you know? Also, yes, a good balance of either of us initiating conversations, be it text or video call.

Then the second week of August, we had one video call.

And from this week... I'm preparing for a possible standstill, hopefully not even close to 4,5 weeks or so, like last time, but I won't rule that out either.

What happened was that early this week, I asked if she wanted to have a video call.

She told me that she is in a bad place right now and needs to sort herself out. This is something that she says happens throughout her life where she is overwhelmed by not being able to figure out her emotions and... really the inside of her, her mind, in general. As if the whole system's shocked, by a sort of bomb or something. Something about never really having a base, just bits and pieces of herself (is this possibly a combination of being on the spectrum, having bipolar 1 and CPTSD all messing her up at the same time?).

And even then, she says this time isn't among the worse times she's been in this state.

She's probably going to be on/off for some time as she says all aspects of her has gotten worse, causing her to be very unpredictable in her everyday life.

She needs to keep emotions low so she don't lash out like hell.

She reassures me not to worry, she knows what she is doing

Despite all that, we went back and forth, for a few messages. Her telling me her situation and I pleaded to her to let me help - that I would gladly listen and validate her feelings, watch something with her or whatever that would help her. Just be with her, not let her get stuck inside her own head, alone. That her being in such a bad place is exactly why a moment in good company would be exactly what she needed, so on and so forth.

She didn't want to have a video call because she doesn't want to lash out - I made it clear that I would be ok with whatever that would happen but it's also a safety measure for her, as it would hurt her like hell to lash out at somebody, even if they (me) wouldn't be upset/hurt in the slightest.

Eventually she got quiet, my last message went unanswered. I took the hint and sent a new one - "I'll be here, [her name]". I left it at that.

Though she did initiate a text conversation a couple of days ago, updating me on her medical status, such as her bipolar likely being type 2 and not 1 as it initially looked like. It didn't last more than a few messages, likely a result of having to rest or at least having to be by herself.

And here I am now... desperately wanting to help and support her as best as I can. I already feel that the ball of us hanging out in real life will get rolling in a very near future. Betting on that feeling, I want to already get going with reading up on her situation.

For instance, I already started before the end of July, to acquire knowledge, by watching a good YouTube video - "Discover HOW Trauma Rewires the Brain" by Doc Snipes. Taking a few notes along moments of the video that I either knew she would know about or points where I thought "could be relevant to her, I'll write this down".

https://youtu.be/eCo0sDFaauU

Heck, she even expressed so much gratitude towards me during a video call, that aforementioned period of later July - beginning of August, and we went through those points of the video that I had taken notes of. Even outright comparing me to her ex's, who either never took time to gain knowledge on her situation or basically put a tiny, tiny bit of effort by what, cropping images of text or whatever it was, leaving out important context in the process? Something like that, where it pretty much would be better not to do anything, rather than taking a few seconds and trying to pass that off as putting in effort.

But yeah, going back to the present... so far, she doesn't seem to be noticeably more or less online, but regardless, I don't send a message to her, leaving that ball in her court.

As for me, I'll take some time here and there to gain extra insight on her situation. That's why I have found and come to this subreddit.

That's also why I recently learned about her chronic pain and fatigue. "Why is there so much fatigue in C-PTSD/DID?" by The CTAD Clinic. https://youtu.be/7A6hfAWjZ3c

While I am not stranger to body and mind being connected, this video gave me that much greater insight on her fatigue and pain - because, in short, her brain is working hard to protect her, to the point it becomes physically cumbersome. Great metaphor he used in the video, where it's essentially is cumbersome like a soldier's massive backpack, filled to the brain with heavy stuff. Unlike a soldier who has been trained to be able to do this for a prolonged period of time, the mind is not trained to have to be physically encumbered.

So... yeah. My insights so far.

1. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Like our last chat moment, earlier this week, when I took the hint and stopped asking and pleading to let me help her. Instead simply saying "I'll be here" and leave it at that.

2. Make her feel safe with me - I want to imagine I got this one as well.

3. Listen! ... I want to imagine I got this one down as well. Like last week, during a video call, when she was upset. I listened to her, and not only understood her feelings but also validated them. I did, however, validate them because she were right to feel the way she did. If I understand correctly, it's good practice to validate feelings, even if one can't understand them or even get behind them... right?

Jeez, this became a post that, as of sending, has taken me about 70 mins to type, or so. I can't ask for you people to read it all, let alone reply... but if you do, thanks.

I can already tell, or at least I can confidently bet, that this is going to go somewhere, so I want to think proactively for both her, as a person, as well as our connection. There'll be countless challenges for her to overcome, but as long as she keeps going towards change and as long as I put genuine effort into not just helping her but also making her feel reassured about my heart being in the right place - this should go well, with nothing happening that she/we couldn't handle.

Hi there. Does anyone have resources - books, forums online, anything - that you’ve found helpful for supporting yourself as a partner of someone w CPTSD? Almost everything I encounter seems to focus on how we can better support our partners, but there are few resources on how we can best navigate our own experiences.

I recently registered for the CPTSD foundation program for folks in relationship with people who have CPTSD and I have found it to be pretty lackluster.

I’d love to hear if there are any Pete walker books in particular you’ve found helpful or any specific resources. Of course therapy is helpful and I’m fortunate to have my own IFS therapist. Thank you!

Asking for advice here or just venting.. my wife is dealing with CPTSD from her parents. She's in therapy and we've been gradually getting better about navigating her triggers but it is still impossible to avoid. One trigger is disagreements-- whether to go on a certain trip, what groceries to buy, how to deal with issues around the kids, etc. I've tried to go along with things unless I truly believe otherwise. Luckily we typically are in sync and agree on things, but of course sometimes there are things that I need to push back on, or at least hesitate to go along with.

This amplifies when she is triggered (by disagreements or something else) and starts disassociating / having symptoms-- when it gets bad she digs ups examples of disagreements we've had and argues that since I hesitated to agree to buy a specific chair 2 months ago, that means I never support her, I secretly hate her, and anything I do to try to help must have some ulterior motive.

Recently something horrific happened to a friend of ours (domestic violence related) and that's triggered a pretty bad episode. So here I am watching someone I love in complete misery, I'm doing all of the work to care for our two kids and keep up appearances while she's out of it, and she's staring daggers at me and won't say 2 words without starting a rant about how bad I am and it's all my fault. And I have a friend dealing with something even worse. It sucks. For many episodes talking / professing love and support, along with physical closeness, seem to help her (and helps *me* as well). But when it gets this far if I try that she just gets angrier at me and goes further into her hole.

For "normal" living I don't know how sustainable my current strategy of conflict avoidance is. It is hard on me, and and it isn't even enough, she's still finding the ammunition to distrust me. I think we need to find a couples therapist who is familiar with trauma to help with that (which I've obviously put off too long).

But meanwhile what do I do to help her *now*, when she's been out of it for 3 days and thinks I hate her? I really hate waiting it out but that seems to be the only option available.

Hi Everyone,

This is a fortnightly post.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where we are unable to discuss the difficulties that we face within our relationships. Often we need some support, or advice and there is no one within our lives we can turn to. This post is for anyone struggling, seeking advice, or even wanting to share some positive experiences in your life.

Please remember to be considerate of our partners and those within the community.

I also want to say thank you for sharing your life experiences, opinions and your time. If you do post a comment, please don't remove it straight away as it may take some time for someone to respond.

Hello! This is my first post, but I’m so grateful that forums like this exist. I (30F) have know about my husband’s (41M) history of abuse basically since we began dating, more than a decade ago. Psychological, SA, physical…despite years of active alcoholism, he’s been off the drink for about 9 years now and surprisingly well-adjusted in light of what he’s been through. I never discuss going to therapy, because he has made attempts in the past, only to receive vile suggestions from the therapist for coping with the maternal SA ( I can’t seem to find much academic literature discussing this particular abusive dynamic, any resources would be much appreciated). One thing that concerns me is his flashbacks/episodes which are pretty frequent and tend to occur in clusters. I can’t pin down what triggers him, if anything, but he will go into almost a trance, whispering violently and moving defensively (sometimes hitting the air) looking at nothing in particular. The other day he hit the refrigerator instead of the air and almost broke bones in his hand. He said he doesn’t feel in control of himself when this happens. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to point it out and embarrass him, but he does it in public too and I don’t want a stranger to think he’s trying to start trouble with them and escalate the situation. Do any of you experience this sort of thing with your partner and if so, is there anything that helps them? Thanks in advance!

My [29M] partner [28F] has CPTSD - which I've known for a while. We've been dating for about four months, and up until the last week, it's been wonderful. She says it has been her most healthy relationship and it is by far and away my best too. The sex and the emotional intimacy has been exceptional, and I'm truly falling for her. But last week we took a week's holiday and while we were away her behaviour and approach to me totally changed. She became distant, combative, and all intimacy stopped. It was as if I had done something deeply hurtful - but we both agree that isn't the case. We have had a chat about it and we both know that it is hard and it is almost certainly CPTSD related.

What I'm wondering is if anyone else in this group has experienced a similar, extremely rapid and seemingly out-of-the-blue change in their partner's feelings towards them? I don't blame her, I know it's not her fault, but I'm worried about it as I've fallen in love with the woman she was a week ago, and she's saying in her last relationship (not the abusive one) she never escaped the negative feelings.

Potential triggers include her mother's death anniversary, stress of me meeting her father this coming week, and the fact we took a foreign holiday together.

Any help/similar experiences would be massively appreciated. My own mum has bipolar so I know things take time to heal and mental health is complex and CPTSD is an intense and extremely draining condition, so I am really just looking for a bit of reassurance.