Okay so. I tried out for community theatre. I thought I was a good actor-- my high school theatre teacher really loved me so I was confident enough to try for something now that I'm not in high school.

But the whole time I had the distinct feeling that I wasn't really... good enough. Like there was no possible way I was getting a role. Feel like I only performed better than one person, and that person had a severe stutter that prevented them from saying their lines.

This is so stupid but... now I just feel like my parents were somehow right. That I'm actually shit at all I'm passionate about and this is proof. I'm gonna spend a lot of time pursuing theatre for my mental health only to get rejected each time. Feel like everything is going downhill and really, this is just the cherry on top.

For the actual story behind why I'm upset, I've wanted to be an actor my whole life? Since I was a little kid. Told my stepdad, he told me the only way I could be a successful actor was if I sold my body. I was 10. At 10 years old, I was told the only way I could ever be successful, in any high paying field, was if I "slept my way" to the top (because of course it wasn't about acting, it was about the fact I was born a woman).

Sitting here laughing and crying because DAMN I feel like shit, what if he's right and I'm worth nothing more than parts I don't even fucking want because I should've been born a man? Shit's fucked.

I might be just insane but I thought that people like me more when I talk less and most of the times seems to work, I realized that if I don't start the conversation people will go days without talking to me and makes me feel really worthy and not annoying. I have a past of cutting off friendships and ending up lonely quite easily, might be that I don't take any judgement or disrespect cause all I wish is honesty and true connection and if I can't have that from the people I consider friends might as well cut the bridges. Most of the people doesn't even realize, most of them continue going for weeks or months without saying nothing and some always seems to favourite someone else, at some ridiculous late point they even try to get back to me and I never take them back. I guess I just wonder if my entire life will continue being like that or if I will find something to fill enough space on the time so I will be too busy to even think who''s talking to me or not.

I can't talk about this to people I care about because talking about things to people I care about never made them better, just made their lives worse

I don’t doubt my mom loved me as a child but she certainly had interesting ways of showing it

I always got in trouble when we were alone together and she would scream this after hitting me. I’ll never understand why she openly admitted this knowing no one was around to stop her. I don’t know when I can get over the childhood fear that she might accidentally kill me :,)