Genuinely what do I do? I am all alone. Nothing keeps me going. My days always look the very same. I have so much to do but my system is fucked. Nothing helps nothing carries nothing has value. I can’t escape it I just can’t

It’s almost noon and I’m still laying in bed. I’ve been wanting to get up since 9 and yet here I am. I told myself that I can go to a bakery and have a nice day while also tidying up my apartment (landlord visits tomorrow).

I’ve been experiencing this freeze more often and I imagine it has to do with processing my childhood, but I literally do not know how to get myself up and moving.

I used to think I was a horrifically lazy kid who’d refuse to do chores when asked. I’d lay around all day and be like “girl you know mom is going to be upset, just go clean the bathroom.” But I just wouldn’t be able to.

I’m trying to figure out if this is the same feeling.

Either way it really sucks

ETA: I was able to go get up and go to a coffee shop. Then my landlord asked if he could stop by and my place is a mess, which put the fear of god in me. So now I'm slowly starting to clean. I'm washing all my bedding right now. I'm taking a break until I go put it in the dryer and then I'm going to start slowly cleaning/organizing again

It's Sunday. How was your week? Better? Worse? Same old?

I had a decent week. No hailstorms, no landslides, just quiet, gradual work towards integration at a pace of 0.01% a day. I only missed a couple of deadlines, and only by a day or two. I found a way to exercise that causes a little bit less dissociation (a variation on HIIT).

It felt something like this.

https://preview.redd.it/81h3g6qk4qge1.jpg?width=6000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2a83a43454b7ce87a7c3304bcb983eb7a09ae439

How was your week? How are you today?

I can't stop thinking of what my brother did to me in the past. I'm triggered all day. Today I lasted at most 1 hour without getting triggered again.

I realize that this is because in the past 5 years I've been exploring the depths of myself, going all the way to the very beginning of my existence, to the most profound wounds. I have dug up everything: every wound, every trauma, everything that ever happened to me. All this with no protection or relief. Bare-chested.

My wounds are raw and raw to the skin, that's why they hurt so much.

I have already closed many wounds in the past years, and I realize that if these wounds that my brother did to me are being so painful and hard to close, it's because they're huge wounds. It means that the person who hurt me (my brother) was so important for me, that his betrayal impacted me the most and made the biggest wounds.

That's why his wounds are so excruciatingly painful.

I'm now in real-time as I write realizing about this.

I want to cry so much. I wish someone I trusted would hug me.

Along with the trauma dreams, I'm waking up daily with pretty servere back pain. It's muscular. For a long time it's been in my neck, and now it's all down my mid & lower back and into my butt. The neck / should pain is still there.

Would a massage help? I'm on the floor trying to stretch it out - it's most painful when I twist my body or get up after laying down. I have a nice supportive mattress so I know it's not that causing it.

I know it seems a little random, but I’m currently learning Spanish and for the life of me I can’t roll my R’s. I started to wonder why, and I thought maybe it’s from how rigid and stiff my muscles are due to being in chronic freeze state.

Does anyone else have this issue?

TL;DR: is there a way to make myself work again despite struggling with severe burnout and survival mode?

I've been in a severe burnout state that started more than a year ago. I had to quit my job early last year after working so hard and battling burnout and took 3 months off, in which I couldn't rest because my family kept shaming me for being unemployed and living off savings. I discovered I have fibromyalgia during that time too and my health was so bad that I could barely move my hands.

I forced myself to look for jobs again and after an exhausting job search for months I started working again but this time I had the worst employer ever. It was too fast-paced, chaotic, and basically hell for me and despite being remote I had to put lots of overtime. It exacerbated my burnout and depression and I wasn't able to keep up due to brain fog, lack of concentration, exhaustion, and my brain shutting down. I also started having severe meltdowns in which I hurt myself and cry involuntarily and disassociate. I had very frequent fibro flareups too. When I pushed back because I was so overwhelmed, the managers told me to reconsider staying with them because this is their work. After lots of things happened, I ended up quitting and finished my notice mid last month.

I'm now unemployed again and once more, my mother keeps shaming me for not earning and supporting us and not being able to keep a job. Things are also not good where I live and I feel very unsafe. I've been having meltdowns everyday for a week now and unable to think clearly. Whenever I force myself to study for interviews or start job searching my brain literally shuts down and I start having meltdowns. I also suspect I have autism but it doesn't matter, I need to find a job and earn but I don't know how. Everyday I wake up, and wonder how I'll ever continue living. I force myself to eat and try to study for interviews but my brain just won't focus or let me look for jobs. I instantly feel like I was punched in the gut and I have a meltdown or spend the day trying to calm myself down because I can't stop crying or stimming.

If you read this, thank you. I can't afford therapy and don't have anybody to talk to so I'd be grateful for any advice. Does anyone know how to get out of this state and be able to work again? I don't care about recovering or feeling good or healing because I know I can't, I have lots of trauma but also lots of responsibilities so I have to be working despite my poor health. My body just won't let me.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and have kids. My job is stressful and unfortunately I was unable to keep the stress I felt at work NOT carry over to how I interacted with my wife and kids (no abuse, no cheating, etc, just grumpy ALOT). My wife and I have had issues, but I always thought we were working through them as they came up, resolving them, and then moving forward. Fast forward a few years, and now my wife started going to a therapist to help her deal with things and get things figured out.

Her therapist told her she thinks she has CPTSD both from what she's experienced from me and also from issues from her childhood that have not been resolved. This is all new to me, and I have no idea how to support her in this. Anytime I ask about how she is doing she shuts down. Anytime we're in public things are fine, but when it's just her and I, she says she gets stuck in freeze response. She has been utilizing different methods to try to work through her trauma, and I've been advised to expect this may not resolve itself for a year or more.

I've done alot the last year to finally actually deal with stress instead of letting it leak into our family and cause pain. I've been doing a bunch of things to become the man that she expected to Marry, and a Father to our kids that she can be proud of.

How long it takes her to get through this doesn't matter to me, I love her more than the day I married her, I just want to make sure I'm supporting her as much as I can without coming off as being pushy. Unfortunately there isn't much information I can find regarding this. I know part of the problem is I helped create her trauma so I am probably triggering her as well until she works through more of it.

Anyway, I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what she should do, I think she is doing what she can and doing it at her own pace, which from what I've been told and also makes sense as that is 100% the right thing. I just want to make sure I'm doing what I can to make sure she doesn't feel alone in all of this, and that she knows I support her 100%.

Any tips on how to best support her?

I have no memory of my life anymore, it wasn't like this 6 months ago. I could still close my eyes and try to connect, there was something there. I feel like there's no way to self soothe or do anything to make me feel better, even my therapist recognized that this would cause a severe depression in anyone, all the things that brought me joy or connection are inaccessible.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to at all, not even a fun dinner with freinsds because of my complete lack of connection to myself and the world. It's like a blank page. Nothing is there. I've become so buried in work because it's the only thing that distracts me from my empty life - I work 24/7 (self employed creative) because it's all I have.

Just can't even imagine ever having my life back again, feeling familiar and grounded. Living like this is so unfair. How can you soothe yourself or do anything when this protection mechanism has completely taken over? It has me buried alive

So I do EMDR and IFS therapy and it's been very useful, managed to integrate two parts and had success. I have one major part left who I've struggled to reach or connect with. For a long time I knew there was something there but I had zero connection or knowledge of them. Then last year after much persistence, I made a breakthrough and they burst forth from their hiding place. It was a really difficult time because it released an overwhelming amount of emotions and I became completely overwhelmed and ill. I've been quite frozen and afraid since then but I feel like I'm finally ready to start trying to communicate. When I imagine this part, I see someone who is scarred head to toe. She took on all the pain and feelings that I was unable and not safe to express. She's basically been trapped with horrible, torturous feelings for most of her existence, and is highly traumatised as a result. I don't think she's traumatised by memories of situations, but by the experiences of extreme emotional distress over very long periods of time without any relief. I also can't tell if she is non verbal or just completely unwilling to communicate. I've been communicating with her protectors for the last session and had some success. My counsellor said we won't be able to make progress until we've gotten the protectors to step aside.

I just wanted to type this all out. Thanks for reading

this is so hard. Whenever I get a call from my lawyer's office, I get heart palpitations and my body wants to freeze. I have to force myself to calm down. I'm always scared of what's going to come in the mail. How long before I am calm and okay with all of this?

Enjoyable and/or functional states seem like a good thing. But, subjectively, they can seem dissociated and somehow unhealthy.

Sustaining such states via dissociation may be a key part of trauma, at least for me. They can have a healthy origin, from a better time, when that state came naturally. But after conditions change, there is a need to dissociate to reproduce such states. After something seriously bad happens, there may be a need to bury or exile part of me that was hurt by that event in order to access states from the past. This can lead to other consequences because of what needs to be done to keep that part of me exiled.

But I cannot fully condemn habitual enjoyable and/or functional states either. Sometimes they can seem like a path to a healthier mental state. There is a need to stay connected to what I like and love. Only focusing on bad things does not help. What drives the good state is a part of me, just like how what gets buried to enable that state is a part of me. Sometimes even just looking at photos I took during better states and reconnecting with the state a bit that way can seem healing.

Missing out on habitual enjoyable and/or functional experiences can also cause additional psychological pain regarding missing out, wasting time and failing to accomplish things that seem necessary. It can seem like the part of me that cared about that is in pain because of it. Recognition that I couldn't do it because of other hurt can make that even more upsetting.

It's can be a tricky balance between dissociating to enable habitual states and not doing things.

The main improvement opportunity that comes to mind is keeping those states somewhat open to the present, and making new intelligent choices instead of repeating things habitually.

I feel like this and other CPTSD subreddits are the only ones I feel safe to post in these days. My thoughts and feelings on things are largely through the lens of trying to heal. When I try to express my feelings of other things, I get largely misunderstood (and it's probably because I'm not explaining myself thoroughly).

I posted something today as an effort to try to see if I could connect with anyone who felt the way I did about some red flags I saw in a male friend (he is interested in me, I'm no longer in him) as I am working strongly on my discernment (almost to an obsessive degree) since I have always failed to listen to my intuition/gut and it lead me to years of being abused. Cut back to me being emotionally / physically or verbally abused by my parents almost every time I stood up for myself growing up....soooo duh, right? lol

But here's where I struggle : I felt weird that this man didn't try to fight harder for more custody of his child. He said it was a money thing. I get that but he expressed his concerns for her well being and I don't understand why he wouldn't try to find any way to get money at that point? Anyway, here's where my trauma brain kicks in: I start thinking I will be punished for having this opinion by my abusive ex spending more money to fight me. He already spent several thousand. So I think: if I have this opinion that this guy should fight more, then I'll be punished by it happening to me and what if I lose and my kids are in danger (catastrophic thinking, punishing myself for negative thoughts....all Hallmarks of this condition).

I am trying to put my feelings down to work through this.

What I did was:

1. reach out to a couple people on the post who understood what I was saying (a lot of them heavily misconstrued what I meant, possibly my fault for not explaning well) to remind myself : my opinions are mine and they are okay. I am allowed to express my opinions. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, there's a reason.
2. Deleted the post because it was causing negativity between people and I didn't want that nor can my sensitive heart handle all the people who were painting me to be someone I'm not (at this time, at some point I'll be okay with it)
3. Before I deleted, I wrote back to the people who questioned me rather than immediately deleting at the first negative remark and being fearful and like the scared little child who is undeserving of her own voice and "they must be right about me" thoughts
4. Writing it on here

Hello all! Thank you for providing a safe space for CPTSD Freeze specifically. I’ve been lurking and researching recently, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m stuck in a freeze state.

I’ve been questioning it for a bit, but when I saw a post in this sub earlier about how it was hard to go to the gym, it all started to click.

I’m diagnosed with CPTSD by my therapist, but have just recently learned about the freeze state. Slowly over the last year or so, I’ve been sinking into a fairly intense freeze state that continually just gets worse. I’m exhausted all the time, but struggle a lot with insomnia. If something requires me to be in my body (exercising, intimacy, work meetings, conflict, sometimes just human interaction in general) I push it away at ALL costs. I feel very disassociated most days, for the entire day. I’m avoiding things that could have potential consequences, but because I’m so disassociated, it’s like a blip in my mind to fix it and then it goes away.

I don’t know how to get out of it. I’ve been in CBT therapy for 2 1/2 years. We haven’t really been focused on CPTSD Freeze specifically, and sometimes it does seem to help, but not to the level I think I need. I resist the gym (I used to have an extremely consistent routine of 4-5 days a week), I push away any type of intimacy, I have either music playing or a tv show playing from morning until night. I know self care things, I know helpful behaviors and I’ve had a very consistent routine in the past with them (meditation, grounding, breath work, therapy) but unfortunately I’m so disconnected I feel like I genuinely cannot engage in ANY of it.

TLDR:

Has anyone had something bring them out of a severe freeze state? I’m concerned that I’m spending basically all of my time disassociated, and the massive effects it’s having in all areas of my life.

I really struggle with tolerating things that make me aware of my body. Not in a body image way, more in a sensation way. I don’t move a lot & keep my body close to itself, grounding exercises make me very uncomfortable, and every vice I have is a numbing behavior.

When I was younger I danced at a competitive studio several hours a week, and was able to weight train & do cardio up until a (unrelated) traumatic incident in college made me withdraw from everything. All that to say— the discomfort I experience when I work out now is not the same as the discomfort of physical exertion, which is hard but kind of cathartic.

Now, it’s like the second I start moving my body with some stretches on the floor, or my heart rate goes up a little on a walk, my anxiety shoots through the roof. I dissociate and get fuzzy & sleepy. Sometimes I randomly cry. It is so, so deeply unpleasant.

I want to exercise more regularly because it’s good for me, but getting a consistent habit going has been really hard when I react so badly to it that it throws off the rest of my day.

Do I just have to push through it? Does anyone have any advice on overcoming this body awareness discomfort?

I'm trying to do healing things - therapy, mediation, and socializing. It just feels impossible. I sobbed in therapy yesterday, and I don't really know how. I was able to feel some deep sadness for my life and how difficult it is and how difficult it was in the past. Through the IFS lens, the protector stepped aside and let my sad part show itself. This was my first therapy session with my new therapist and spent a lot of time going back through my history of trauma which brought up the feelings. But I go right back to numbness when I'm alone. I'm never present and my mind is always ruminating- which they think is a coping mechanism of the anxious part of me, stopping me from feeling painful emotions.

Tonight I went to my first sound bath and it was like I wasn't even there - I'm not in my body, everything is so shut down. When I cry, I feel it only in my face, not in my body. When I lay on the yoga mat, it's like I have no body, just not even there. Everything I see is like it's not even there. What bothers me the most is that I'm trying - but this rumination and constant chatter in my head is so deeply embedded. The thoughts are not in my voice - they're nonsensical, have nothing to do with what I'm doing. They're flashes of images, words, sayings, faces - none of which I'm consciously thinking about. For example - I'm trying to be present in the sound bath and hear the vibrations and in my mind I'm seeing images of cars, shapes, words, faces etc that have nothing to do with what I'm experiencing.

My therapist told me my situation is very treatable and that this happens to someone Who has had the level of emotional neglect, abuse, and trauma I have. I just can't believe them yet. I sobbed because of how hopeless, exhausted and out of my body & life I am. I'm putting myself in situations to try to feel - but my mind feels like it won't allow it. My mind feels like it's melted down, these thoughts I have - the music 24/7, the rumination of things I'm not even consciously thinking about - it's like I don't have a clear mind, it's just full of junk mail.

I'm going to keep going - it's just really really really hard. I can't understand why or how this is what my brain has done, and how it thinks it's helping me by making me aware of all this subconscious thinking. How do you be in a moment doing something and your mind is thinking of completely unrelated things& images, almost like you're on drugs.

My friends all felt emotions and relaxed afterwards, and I just felt like I lose consciousness and was in a dream. The night sky, the environment around me- it's like my mind is taking any of it in. I always feel like I'm not really here, I'm in a dream, I'm not in my body. My dreams actually feel more real than reality.

I'm trying to hold onto hope... I don't know how. I don't know how I've kept myself going, a roof over my head, my career, a social life. I don't have a functional brain like everyone else in my life - I can't think, connect, understand, or comprehend anything. My mind has been doing this since my panic attacks and dissociating started - closing my eyes and seeing images of random shapes, people, landscapes, words I've never heard, names, faces I've never seen. It's very unsettling, what causes this?

Hi everyone, I am new to this group and wanted to introduce myself.

Thanks for existing, I finally feel like I'm not an alien :) I have CPTSD freeze since puberty and hardly ever found a like minded soul.

Looking forward to learn and share, best to you all 💛!

I watch other people, literally any other person, and see how their passing thoughts last like 200-300 milliseconds. Never 500. Very quick and snappy thinking.

It's like seeing someone who jogs pathetically, laughably slow next to someone who doesn't. Except in a society where not being able to jog at a regular pace makes you a meth addict. When I've literally never done drugs

I'm 100% certain the doctors don't see/know this or we'd all have fucking benefits. $$

I do not have a vitamin deficiency, I just had a checkup. Antipsychotics didn't help at all, abilify, latuda, seroquel 1 year+ each

Hey everyone i hope y’all are doing okey. So i’ve been on zoloft 50mg for 1.5 years, and the first two weeks of taking it were hell( my doctor didnt put me on benzo those first two weeks), after the first month or so the meds started helping mostly with my anxiety not so much with the depression since my depression is mostly worse in the morning. And for the past 6 months i’ve been in freeze mode (not the first time that happened ) i honestly havent been to my psychiatrist (but i didn’t stop my meds im still on them) cuz well freeze mode…But i do feel a little better and like im slowly coming out of it, and i think zoloft didn’t really help with the freeze response maybe it even made it worse , my morning depression certainly is, so im thinking about coming off of it but im unsure, some of my friends told me its better to switch off to another ssri but im too scared bcs of my previous experience with starting zoloft , and i have a really important exam in like a month and maybe stopping zoloft or switching up to another ssri isnt the best choice. Im sorry this is kinda all over the place mainly cuz my head is all over the place and i dont know what to do and im really scared about fucking up this year, its my last year of med school and i have to work on my clinicals and my thesis, but its just really hard to do, and last time i was in freeze mode like this i had to take a year off school. So yeah if you have any input or advice please let me know. PS : im going to see my psychiatrist this week which is already taking so much out of me to do since i do feel a lot of shame and guilt for missing all of my appointments. PS 2 : I know therapy might help, but its not something i can afford at the moment

TW: SA/r***, religious trauma, p*rn addiction

+obligatory apology for grammar and stuff for I am on my phone, tired, kinda dissociating+

I am so floored. I've been pushing this down for so long and finally during a deep conversation with my husband of 5yrs ab our close to stagnant sex life it just all came out and I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

I have been raped by 3 different men in different ways in the span of a month when I was 19. Coercion (yelling after I gave a no until he gave up or I gave in by my ex fiance for months others after we broke up), a classic case of saying no and then forced, another more classic case of waking up to it and saying no,(but not understanding what it was bc biological responses so it also happened multiple times).

I also grew up in a Christian household, which for the most part was okay and peaceful. But one part that was not was the talk ab sex. My mother would tell me it didn't feel good for girls, she focused solely on making it very clear that having sex before marriage was immoral. I actually don't have a problem with that concept, I couldn't care less. But it's the fact there was nothing positive to say about sex, nothing. Just drilling the idea 'sex bad, marriage good' into my head. Due to this, even if I did wait before marriage (which I didn't) I still wouldn't know how to view/approach sex in a healthy manner.

When I was about 12ish, maybe 13, I got addicted to porn. Not just any porn, but nonconsensual fantasy porn. I understand this is a common thing for women to fantasize about, but for me it was to cope with sexual feelings. I wanted to feel like it was okay to feel good and to want sex and that was the way my brain handled it.

Fast forward to this past year. I've been porn free for almost if not 3 years now and my coping fantasies are gone. I no longer desire consensual forceful role play. And now I'm left with confusion.

When my husband and I have sex, (please don't get it twisted btw I do want to have sex), I'm lost. What do I focus on? What 'vibe' of sex is appealing to me? Any?

These questions have been feeling my head ever since I finally blurted out to my gentle and supportive husband that I feel dirty and ashamed during and after sex. Extremely uncomfortable. But sometimes I push them down bc I genuinely do want that connection.

Simultaneously I cannot stand the emotional connection. It's horrible, I feel like I can't breathe. I just want to feel good during sex and have fun and not have to deal with that emotionally vulnerable feeling at all. My husband on the other hand wants to show his love to me and vice versa (he understands this situation now 100% and is supporting me any way he can and does not pressure me into sex ever at all btw).

It's also worth mentioning I feel totally guilty for even admitting I like sex. Like I'm disgusting dirty woman for wanting it and enjoying it and I'm not supposed to.

My husband gets where I'm coming from. I also don't know if I want the emotional connection or to just give him that bc i love him so dearly. I know he wouldn't want me to push myself when it hurts me so badly like this. He's made that clear. But I don't feel like it's fair he's in a marriage with me and I'm like this.

To ask your spouse to take away the emotional part of sex when they feel it so deeply also seems unfair. That seems like the only answer to no having a current dead bedroom until I can work through this (I'm on meds and I go to therapy once a week I do plan on bringing this up next session).

Idk does anyone else deal with this?? I feel like a freak of nature here. Wanting sex but having the absolute aversion of emotional stuff in between. This wasn't a problem before marriage bc of what I was into and I had meaningless sex here and there! But now I'm deeply in love with this wonderful person and he is with me and I can't express it through this intimate humanly act. It just sucks so bad. I'm very much at a loss for where to go from here.

Any advice, resources, shared experiences are fully welcomed and greatly appreciated.

If you read this whole thing thank you and sorry it's a novel.

TLDR; I want sex and I like sex but now that I don't like consensual nonconsensual role play there's nothing keeping me from feeling dirty about liking sex and I don't like (but want?) the emotional connection. How am I supposed to view it..

Accomplishing something and then not being rewarded seems to sometimes get me stuck.

This is hard to understand because of what seems like involvement of different psychological parts. A more conscious part of me says "I don't need that reward". But it's like another less conscious part cares about lack of reward and causes problems.

One problem is losing motivation and instead building up avoidance. So, it becomes harder and more psychologically painful to do things, even to the point of seeming impossible.

Another problem is craving reward and seeking whatever might be rewarding. This is part of what makes the internet addictive. Spending significant effort on posts and comments can increase motivation to go online to seek some reward for that. After accomplishing offline things, I can also go online seeking something enjoyable and rewarding. But such rewards don't provide lasting satisfaction that can end the craving cycle.

This is complicated because there are different rewards, and only some are fulfilling in a way that sustains motivation. Some rewards are unhealthy and/or temporarily enjoyable but emotionally draining. Something that seems worthwhile in retrospect seems required. The best reward is something that makes my life better afterwards. A good example is creating or improving something that I use, so that there is a positive impact on my experience.

I pushed myself hard in the past, doing things that were difficult and/or unpleasant, but useless. Maybe part of me is upset about that, and wants to know that other things I do won't be like that. Lack of reward may be triggering this part of me, and not simply causing a response based on events in the present.

Hey all, I have been in therapy for over a year and have had some EMDR sessions. We worked through about 3/4 of my traumalist and so far I don't really have any nightmares about those memories, but that's about it. I still have some more recent trauma's, that whenever I only think about make my chest hurt. I have to still go through those, but I feel like I ABSOLUTELY am not ready or willing to go through those experiences again.

I know EMDR has helped me with older trauma's, but it didn't do much other than fixing my nightmares. I still can't sleep, I am still in a constant state of fight&flight, I still have my FND (body paralysis/extreme fatigue/sensory overload) problems and I still have a severe depression (I am on meds).

I am just wondering if anyone of you has been in the same situation and what advice you could give me?

Weird title maybe, but I'll try to explain what I mean.

I'm in a realistically difficult spot. Regressing, withdrawn from social life due to fear/shame, no real work history, can't see myself as a functional adult... I care a lot about other people and things happening in the world, but I'm too overwhelmed to care about myself. So I "pretend" that I don't exist.

I'll get these short glimpses of HEY! You only have this life! You are a person in the world like everyone else! What are you doing??? Get out there! Act!!!
And then BAM, I am overwhelmed and shut down and quickly slide back into the "comfortable" haze of pretending I don't exist. The things outside my body seems real but I'm a ghost in the middle of it.

I know there are things I can do to make it better. Exercise, take care of health, reach out to friends, finish degree, volunteer, find a place to live etc. I want to try I really have nothing to lose! But doing these things means accepting that I'm real which is for some reason more terrifying than whatever this is. I know it would help to do nice things for myself, but most of the time it doesn't make sense because I'm "not real".

TLDR:, how can I be more consistently aware of life being real, without shutting down from overwhelm? Are there some small things I can do every now and then to try to pull myself back to "real life" and stay there long enough to take action?.

I can't afford therapy, so I'm looking for things I can do on my own. If it's relevant, I am diagnosed with ADHD, I take a small daily dose of meds which helps with the bare minimum of functioning. I also love music and arts but struggle to connect with when I'm in this state.

(Posted with permission from the administrator)

Do you experience (C)PTSD and/or BPD symptoms and would you be willing to help improve understanding of how this affects you? 

Dear all,

As part of my master’s thesis in Psychology at Aarhus University, I am conducting a study on the experience of living with symptoms of (Complex) PTSD and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. I am particularly interested in how these disorders affect self-perception and the experience of guilt and shame. The goal is to contribute to a better understanding of the similarities and differences between the disorders and to gain insight into what should be focused on in treatment.

I would be very grateful if you would be willing to contribute to my study by answering the questionnaire linked below.

Participation is of course voluntary and completely anonymous. Data will be securely stored and used only for research purposes. You can withdraw your response at any time. If there are any questions you prefer not to answer, they can be skipped.

If you have any questions or comments about the study or the questionnaire, feel free to message me here or e-mail me at 201906627@post.au.dk.

TW: Some questions in the survey touch on topics related to trauma recollection, self-harm, and difficult emotions. Please skip any questions you do not wish to answer. There are limited questions specifically about trauma.

Link to the questionnaire:

https://survey.au.dk/LinkCollector?key=67URZ82MU11N

Best regards,

Ida Klareskov

Aarhus University

201906627@post.au.dk

I'm not sure this has ever happened to me before to this extent. I was raised around political and current events news awareness. I am familiar with good and bad journalism, corporate and independent media. I even have a list of daring journalists I am concerned about the safety of because I suspect they may have powerful enemies. I nearly always - consciously, with a source of my liking - consume news media at least every other day. No I don't leave it blaring in the background but it is largely part of my routine and I like to know "what's going on". I listen to investigative journalism, analysis, and headlines.

I am also an American and like many people here, am marginalized (including disabled) in a variety of ways. For the first time i can remember - at least in this recent decade of my life - I had to just totally shut off all my news. The deep, the superficial, the analytical, the broad, whatever. Since we have had a new president the disturbing news has been off the charts - or at least it was during the two days before I stopped listening.

Not only did I stop all.my listening and reading and watching of any news. I also mostly stopped doing my homework. I am a full time grad student and while i enjoy the subject matter of my studies, I also have significant difficulty with reading and executive functioning, so the assignments can be very arduous for me. Avoiding my assignments is not a great plan. But I got overwhelmed. And I seemed to just increasingly shut down. So I am posting here int he freeze Reddit. I believe I'm been in some level of freeze for many many years - I think it's a constant, adrenaline-connected sensation I am feeling in my body always. However, at times it lessens and at times it increases. It feels a bit like taking steps backwards.. like utilizing avoidance to resolve my turmoil (except it doesn't really do that)... like hiding from immediate peril (but am I really in peril, or will I be more in peril if I get poor grade in my expensive American masters program?)

What's unique about this is how tied to current events and the larger consciousness it is for me. Usually when I go into more intense freeze, fight, or flughy, or whatever, it relates to something far more personal. Yes, this news is somewhat personal, but it's not like the journalists are talking directly to me and i don't have to answer to them.

And then there are the inflammatory, histamine, physical responses. As some of you know, autoimmune dysfunction is often comorbid with cptsd. Yeah, my throat has been sore for two days now, and my digestion is getting weaker and hyper sensitive again. My nose is suddenly ridiculously dongested tonight and I have so much gas. I'm getting rashes. This is the stuff that happens when I'm having a histamine response - my immune system is working over time to expell something from my system. Fear? Anger? Confusion? Being seen in my vulnerability?

*Anyway I DONT WANT ADVICE and if you give it, know I specifically asked you not to and it almost definitely will not help. *

I just want to vent because I've actually never written been this severely internally affected by the news before. Yes, I've altered my consumption habits many times. And I've forgotten about it for periods because I was focused on other things. But this is different. It's terrible. I need to build some (more) goodness in myself and my life and my bonds that the news and politicians/celebrities/loud rich people we hear from too much won't knock down any time soon. Cheers my kin.

I don't want to be numb.

I am not miserable? Getting out of bed is easier. But I don't enjoy food anymore. Tummy never feels refreshed after bowel movements? I don't have the urge to sleep. Libido is non existent as always. I don't feel my lifelong emotional and sexual deprivation?

I think I would rather be miserable than be this fake functional?

I am not myself? I can see this as a part of dissociative disorder?

I want something to trigger me ASAP

Making some progress getting in touch with my emotions.. and it’s just hell. I broke down in the bathroom at work today, I get home and I feel my heart beating so fast all the time, my ears are ringing, I’m on the verge of tears but can’t release the emotions. I wish God or someone could help me feel, but my system is so overwhelmed. I just wish I wasn’t alive tbh, or that I lived in a different reality. Because I just can’t anymore.

The experience of triggering can bring up intense unpleasant and/or problematic emotions. But during such experiences I remember also feeling more complete, more like a person, and like the world around me is more vivid and real.

Essentially it seems the experience activates and "brings back" a part of me that was inactive, buried or dissociated.

That is not very useful, because the intense emotional state makes such an experience difficult to work with for self improvement. It can even cause additional trauma. So, I'm not saying I recommend this as a self-improvement strategy.

I wonder if anyone else notices this aspect of triggering? I don't think I've ever seen this discussed.

I haven't been able to figure out why my energy levels have dipped even lower, why I'm having such negative and low thoughts, why I feel so hopeless and stuck. My freeze response has been getting more intense, which is saying a lot because I've already been living in a deep freeze (DPDR) for over 2 years chronically. But there's something with the dreams that's connected.

Last night I had a dream about my old high school, a dream about tsunamis and disasters happening, the night before I dreamt that I was getting married and my mom was there to see but I felt shamed and embarrassed (she died 7 years ago, and im gay. Even through she always accepted me. There's something deep in shame)

I have a whole list and log of my dreams for the last 2 years - and there has to be a connection to the freeze response. The dreams are always about a danger, a threat, an unpleasant emotion or experience. But there's no resolution to any of these things, I just wake up. I haven't had a good dream since this began. And this is a nightly occurrence. My sleep is deeply impacted and my brain is using up all my energy to be active 24/7 and dissociated.

Anyone else struggling with this?

So I just had a bankruptcy meeting. I have an order of protection on my estranged husband. We have been separated since September. We had so much debt, and looking back, a lot of it was accrued out of panic. We used too many credit cards. He lost his job and didn't want to go back to work for a while and that made things terrible financially (I worked but didn't make nearly as much). We took out personal loans to consolidate. One of those loans, he convinced me to put into bitcoin and we lost it all.

I just wanted to file this to have a fresh start so I can take care of my kids and save and work and heal. The trustee questioned me a bit, "How did you get into this much debt?" How do you explain in one sentence that your parents were constantly financially struggling and you were just doing your best and now you realize you sucked at it, while also being abused, but you really are better now and just want to move forward? You can't.

But the feelings of worthlessness are just so deep in my brain right now. I'm a failure. I did this to myself. I hate myself. It's all going to be bad and dark and I'm failing my kids and myself.

I still have to wait to hear if it will get approved and I'm praying that it does. I just want to heal my LIFE, yes, my entire life has been affected by this trauma and I'm just trying desperately to claw my way out. To do better for my kids and myself.