I'm sick and tired of being gaslit by therapists and professionals about ' grounding' & breathing exercises. It's like putting a plaster on a massive faultline. The best you can do without real trauma processing is go from one trance state into another. Grounding does NOT work. Breathing does NOT work. Exercise does NOT work. None of it works. I'm sure a combination of IFS, somatic work, and EMDR goes a bit further. But you can't scratch the surface it you can't grieve. Sure, there's no doubt you have to do all that work to keep a baseline of health. But would you tell someone with a broken leg to just breathe deeper and ground themselves? Hell no. They need real trauma therapy. They don't need to pacify themselves, so everyone else feels more comfortable not having to deal with another person suffering.

Disclaimer: please do so in a safe space, with a trusted & experienced friend / supervisor for your first time, and research 'set and setting'.

If you are currently in a frozen state, know that your trauma is currently being activated, and shrooms could, like in my case, bring that out for you to face.

I first tried shrooms last year around Novemeber and it changed my life. Why? Because unlike what others / books / psychiatrists with their medications were telling me, I did not want to just manage the symptoms and cope. I actually wanted to be 'cured' in a sense.

Things got a lot worse initially as it brought all of the trauma from my subconscious out. I could not even talk to someone without having the urge to scream and cry, meaning I could not even just stand there and listen.

That's not to say it was better before (intense social anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, relationships struggles, numbness, limerence, etc.) But now I couldn't even 'mask' my conditions with others. I had no control over my emotions.

Over the past 12 months, I have spent hundreds of hours working through trauma, combining shrooms and brainspotting, similar to this redditor's journey that I found: https://www.reddit.com/user/slackjaw99/submitted/

To be clear, it is/has not been easy at all. Those hundreds of hours have been me being alone facing intense pain / emotions from all the way back to being a newborn. I am almost certain my first trauma was when I was first born, if not during pregnancy. But I'll never trully know the answer to that.

Currently, I have never felt more normal in my entire life. Fear of rejection / people / criticism / insults is almost 0. Fear of attractive women is drastically cut down. Abandonment issues at an all time low for me. Emotions are not as intense.

And I'm sure with just a bit more work, I will act like a 'neurodivergent' (I had a LOT of autistic / adhd symptoms due to the cptsd) and actually be able to have normal relationships.

Obviously the grief / pain of all that I have lost and the consequences on my future are still there. But the emotions are not as intense because I've worked on so much trauma. And hopefully my future self will have thanked me for all this hard work.

I hope to do a ted talk and write a book on all this because it has been a crazy journey so far.

There is something tragic and beautiful about being young and naive.

Under the right circumstances you can get yourself into amazing useful situations, because you didn't know that it was conventional wisdom to do the opposite.

The older you get, the wiser you get, and the more difficult it is to just jump into something blind. You can get lost in an endless loop of planning and research. Perfectionism.

I've always been jealous of people that knew what they wanted to do, and from a young age, just go for it.

I feel like my youth was wasted on being unknowingly poisoned with trauma, and just thinking I was weak and a coward and needed to hide away. I guess I still feel that way.

Except now I am old and it feels like I've missed the boat.

Weird how that works.

So how do you get that? Don't say therapists because that hasn't worked. I've tried around thirty and five of them for long term. I can't get that connection, and when they drop me as a client it just makes it worse.

I've tried connecting with people online and I am grateful for those people, but most don't work out, or the distance and medium just cause too many problems.

Trying to make friends or a partner in real life are nearly impossible since I am homeless and broke. That's what I really need though.

What I think the real problem is, is an inconsistent sense of self. Other parts ruining relationships, or people liking one part but not others.

So now I don't let people in out of self protection. Because it hurts too much to lose people, and I always lose them.

For freeze and anger in freeze

I've been struggling really badly with freezing since I was raped at 16. Last year I had the funnest time ever when my brain decided to show me multiple repressed memories from the rape, and long story short multiple months later after my depressive/suicidal episode, I'm barely functional. My doctor suggested I try ADHD meds and I am halfway titrated up to full dose and I am way less tired and can actually focus on my PhD work. But, I am scared that I am just putting a band-aid on that will reveal and even larger wound once it falls off. Any stories or advice is appreciated. The med I am on is Vyvanse, and my end dose will be 30mg in about a week.

I am on meds for depression and anxiety that are working well also.

I'm new and this is my first post. It's only been in the past two years (63yo) that I've come to understand the role of trauma in my life long mental health struggles. I've been making some progress with managing trauma states, thankfully, but am now facing new barriers due to diabetes related vision loss. I can no longer drive, which makes it harder to deal with isolation. I don't have many close friends and almost no family support. (Divorced, no kids, live alone)

Does anybody have a similar situation? How do you make new friends in older age with limited mobility? Are there online support resources? This may be an overly broad post, but I guess I'll throw it out there. Thanks.

Warning politics discussion!!!

I know politics is triggering for people, but I also know politics shapes our environment. So it's important.

Unfortunately no side is perfect or even great. That's a shame. Support for foreign wars and greed fueled capitalism is wrong.

I do think one side is clearly more aligned with modern thinking on subjects of mental health and getting health care to people in general.

The ACA, or Obama care has made a real difference in my life. As a homeless poor person. It has allowed me to see a doctor and a therapist. Get my teeth checked out and get glasses.

Those have been major improvements to my quality of life. One party made that happen and one opposed it.

One party supports equality for people that are gay and trans. Supports them as having the rights of anyone else. Supports them in being seen as people and not dangerous demon infested children corrupters.

One side sees that guns need better regulation so people don't have to live in fear of their child being shot at school. Or anywhere.

One side wants to round up the poor and put them in the desert away from "good hard working people".

One side is ok with a woman dying, when an abortion would save her. Or being burdened with a child she doesn't want or can't afford. Or even was raped and has to carry it to term.

A lot of us here know what is like to be raised by parents that are not fit to have children. Now more children will have cptsd in the future.

One side wants to round up millions of people and send them south. Some of those people were so young when they came here that they don't even speak another language besides English.

One side wants better wages and work conditions. While the other side wants to get rid of that all together.

One side wants to privatize everything. Get rid of anything like libraries, and have it all corporate owned. Even parks and national forests would be turned over for resource extraction.

One side wants to reduce our carbon emissions to save the planet from climate change. Like how a hurricane destroyed my town where tornadoes and hurricanes are not supposed to be able to exist. The other side says climate change is a hoax. While they take money from corporations profiting from it.

There are so many places where one side stands with logic, science, and empathy. The other side rejects that.

I know that going to vote is stressful. Standing in line with strangers. Worried you might make a mistake. I went to the voting place seven times before I finally got myself to vote.

If I can do it as a recluse hermit. Then you can to.

I hope you guys will vote for the democrats. Maybe one day we will have a party that really supports the common people and makes life great for more than just the rich. Until that day. The democrats are who I voted for. I hope you will also.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with myself to potentially stop being dysregulated 24/7 (there’s more context in my other posts) but I’m having trouble figuring what these two things may indicate so I’d be grateful for any interpretations:

1. Dorsal vagal shutdowns/collapse EXCLUSIVELY after being in educational facilities like school or university, even if for a very short period of time, like half an hour:

It might seem like it makes sense because these places are supposed to be high-stress environments, however, it doesn’t happen after being in environments that are way more high-stress for me, like a workplace where i’m insanely dysregulated for 8 hours straight.

2. Anything ‘cute’ triggers super long crying spells and sadness for me:

That could be childhood-related things, like catching a glimpse of a cartoon for children or hearing a song for children or ‘cute’ toys like stuffed animals. In my native language we also have a lot of words which indicate that something is ‘small and cute’ - for example like saying ‘kitty’ instead of a ‘cat’. That stuff makes me feel horrible as well.

This society probably has the lowest social capital that any society in human history has ever had. Yes, technological progress and all of that, but human beings don't have technological needs. At least if I was born during the second world war I would have comrades, a cause to fight for, organic community, more social needs met. Severe attachment disorder (cptsd) combined with technologically atomized hellscape is probably the worst combination ever. Fuck this society honestly.

I have a difficult time with conflict (avoid it) and early in life, rather than fight back, I just went limp, numbed-out. I've experienced times in my life where I've been angry and it's kept me out of the freeze (depressed, immobile) state. I've read a couple helpful sources lately (in addition to hearing this from therapist) that I need to access that angry energy. Anyone relate, have experience with this? I'm a freeze/fawn by the way.

Not really screaming, but opposite inner voices that contradict each other and make my mind feel so loud? It's so loud.

I'm trying to make a decision and it's like I have internal arguments between more rational "parts" (?) and emotional, fearful, traumatized ones.

And it's difficult to think. I put earplugs in because I can't even handle outside noises now. I can't go on like this, I keep getting stuck in the same awful situation because of it, and I can't afford to. Sadly, this decision can't wait, if I had a few days to think I'd probably be better, but I don't, it's something that has to happen quickly. A lot of the time the fear wins and I lose because I am still in the toxic situation.

I don't have anyone to confide in and even so, my decisions are my own, no one can decide for me. Only it's so messy in my head and I don't know how to navigate it. Plus, it's tiring. Any advice?

In my town that was devastated by Hurricane Helene, the local subreddit has had lots of posts about the things people are going through.

A persons cat ran off, and they made a post about it. It got a lot of attention and lots of empathy.

Today I saw a post asking if the cat has been found.

I made a post a few weeks ago about losing my truck and being homeless and FEMA not even giving me anything because I was homeless. People with homes got an instant $750 when they applied. They got hotel vouchers. Vehicle and home repairs.

People attacked me. Shamed me.

It's interesting how humans can view other humans as being worth less than a cat or dog. I get it. Pets are sweet, but still. A person is sentient.

Anyway. Happy Halloween. This is my favorite holiday. A day where the dark is celebrated. When you can wear a mask and be someone else.

Not much of a Halloween this year, but oh well.

Nothing is helping I wrote some stuff out, I have my dog to snuggle, I don't want to even draw- something that usually helps and I love to do. But nothing is interesting currently. Or engaging, or enjoyable. I believe I've sunk into a depression episode again; but I've never had one this hard in this specific way(???) Especially since being on Zoloft.

When I'm around my husband and kids I just want them to leave me alone (I don't push them away ofc they need me). When I'm by myself, like now, I feel painfully lonely. Everything has gotten back to like it was before I started to ignore my emotions and just accept my trauma happened, but also downplay it quite a lot. Except now it's way worse, just so much more extreme and deep feeling. Never ending feeling.

I feel so alone. Even with people. I feel like no one around me actually gets it. I used to say I feel like I'm on an island all by myself, but now that I'm trying to face my trauma and truly face how severe/bad it was? I feel like I'm floating in space, far away from earth, from anyone and any planet- in complete darkness. Just suspended, unable to control the projector. It's like I hesr distantly by some miracle that I'll float to ground eventually. But there's nothing in sight.

I don't know what to do to make myself enjoy something, be happy, or be at peace. All I know is how to avoid. And I can't do that anymore, I won't ever make progress. And I'm a mother- I really can't afford to not make progress. I won't continue the verbal/emotional abuse- and I stand on that. But I had no idea it would be this hard. I want to hide from the world forever.

I am really struggling right now being unemployed, broke, and just riddled with CPTSD related anxiety.

There are things I have to do and I keep not doing them. The weather becoming cold, wet and dark is giving me seasonal depression. If I were working, I could burn off some of this moodiness there. But I'm stuck inside. I have to be very careful about not feeling stuck. I start turning into a caged animal, get stuck in fight or flight and my prefrontal cortex turns off, making it feel like I am thinking through sludge. And I need some level of mental clarity to get out of this situation. It's almost like OCD or something- or perhaps just plain old anxiety is the correct term, IDK. My brain just goes in loops down rabbit holes of self-critical thinking.

One effective method I have come up with for breaking out of feeling stuck is to use a timer. I set it for 20 minutes and give myself that long to just do whatever. Then I set another 20 min. I do this all day until it's time to stop. I try my best to have an evening routine in order to get my brain to settle down, whether or not I accomplished anything that day. Usually I find myself doing those things that need to get done this way, and if not, I still feel like I at least did something with my time that day.

There's nothing harsh, no punishment, no criticism, whatever. I consciously think to myself I am allowed to just follow my attention. 20 minutes is about how long my attention lasts anyway. Each hour has 3 blocks of 20 minutes in it, so if I get sidetracked for 20 minutes, I have plenty of chances to regain focus.

I also keep in mind when I start self-attacking that most people with jobs are not that efficient. Many people spend time on their phones, dick around online, talk to people, or just move stuff around on their screens at work. A lot of them just plod along slow as shit and they still get paid. I feel like I am going to die/ be punished / am undeserving if I am not as efficient as possible, in fact better than everyone else. Labeling this as perfectionism helps. I picture someone slacking off at work in a positive light, and compare that with times I've been so wound up at a job people are scared and confused by me. I do this in a positive way and can laugh at myself in a loving way. I then choose to be the mediocre person just going through the motions in a good-enough way. And if it's not good enough, well, I just try again tomorrow.

Honestly though, today has just been total shit. I woke up late in the afternoon, and it reminds me of when I was drinking a lot and trapped at home with my abusers and a crappy boyfriend who was milking the situation instead of helping me, and himself, move out. I was so depressed and hopeless I often just turned my freeze response on for long stretches of time for days on end.

So when depression, perfectionism and anxiety all start brewing at the same time, I think of this "3x20" tool as a life preserver. I can stay in reality for 20 minutes at a time, it helps the hours pass at a nice balanced rate, and it keeps me focused without going into hyperfocus and loosing hour upon hour scrolling, gaming, tinkering with some random broken item I've been lugging around for years, cleaning like a madwoman etc. If I get too dysregulated, 20 min is a nice amount of time to self-soothe without falling into collapse. I now have lots of coping mechanism to choose from and I can just intuitively go with what sounds right- go for a short walk, make tea, just lay down and do breathing exercizes, even take a short shower, or do one chore in a good-enough way.

I also don't hold myself to the timer- if it goes off and i'm not done yet, I just set it again. It's more like a tool to keep me anchored in reality than a strict schedule to self-flagellate with.

My insurance is going to turn on in a couple days and I am ready to go get therapy/psychiatric help now, so that also gives me a little bit of hope & energy to keep going. I don't care at this point if I need meds, I just need to get a job, get stable, and ideally in the next several months move, something I've wanted to do for a very very long time. I'm so used to feeling this way it's been revelatory to think "what if I just need anxiety meds to get stable?" I know there aren't exactly meds for CPTSD, but perhaps I have other comorbid issues that can be treated.

Anyway. This turned into a bit of a ramble but I am giving myself 20 min to do it before I go back to filling out applications :) Getting these things off my chest to an understanding audience is very calming. It's like letting some pressure out of my head so I can focus more.

Hope you all are having as good a day as possible <3

sometimes i get so dissociated that my body just kind of "shuts down" for a bit. i can usually tell right as it starts to come on, which is good because if i'm holding something fragile i can force myself to put it down first, otherwise my grip will loosen and i'll drop it. once it's in full force, though, i can barely move my fingertips or sometimes even my eyes, much less anything else. i just have to wait for it to pass.

even though my body's frozen and i'm dissociated, i can usually still think just fine. usually my thoughts go like, "i should really get up and move, or at the very least wiggle my fingers. i have shit to do, i don't want to waste time sitting here." but then i still can't move. lol. it's like being paralyzed without feeling paralyzed.

it doesn't happen very often for me (maybe once or twice a month) and it only lasts for a few minutes, but it's such a weird feeling when it does. i'm just glad it's not really debilitating for me. since it's not something that affects me every day, i'm able to look at it with curiosity more than anything else. just curious about other people's experiences with this.

side note: i hear people talk about "collapse" sometimes, but i don't really know anything about it. is what i'm describing related at all? because it sure feels like a collapse lol.

https://strawpoll.com/40Zm4Bmloga

Trigger warning SA Hi, I’m stuck in my room. when I was a young woman in my early 20,s I was sexually assaulted by my brother who is 10 years older than me. We were drinking and doing drugs. I passed out and woke up to this fucking nightmare of my brother assaulting me. I completely froze and didn’t stop it or anything, I left my body and was up in a cupboard for a bit. He thought I was enjoying it. Makes me want to puke even almost 40 years later. I buried that so deep. It’s just a room in My head where I didn’t go for decades. I was so much younger than him growing up and my parents were fairly negligent. He was mentally abusive to me my entire childhood, calling me scuzz puke fat ugly constantly belittling me and just. He’s one of those charming guys who turns nasty. So everyone said “when you grow up, you will be friends” and so when I was old enough to drink and do drugs we became “friends” and then one night he fucking raped me while I just froze and let it happen. So ever since it happened (1988)my mental health just was ruined. I was so full of shame convinced it was my own fault because I FROZE. Back then no one talked about freeze state. All I knew was I didn’t fight and I didn’t try to flee so I must be complicit.

I’m sorry this is so long. In 2017 I finally was able to admit to myself and a therapist that this happened to me. And that it wasn’t my fault. And that a family that produces a person like my brother was very dysfunctional. And able to look back at my childhood and see that, wow, a lot of negligence from my parents it wasn’t malicious. It’s just all they knew, but it did allow this abusive brother to be an absolute asshole to me my entire childhood. I’ve been no contact with him since our last parent died in 2020.

Anyhow, I’m interested in others with any kind of family experience along similar lines. I’ve been through a ton of therapy and I’m so much better. But I’m still stuck in freeze a lot.

There is that scene in the John Wayne movie where this kid and Wayne are walking and the kid says it's hot, and Wayne says go for a swim. The kid says he doesn't know how. So Wayne picks him up and throws him in. Of course the kid figures it out and Wayne comes off as a stud.

If this was real life though? What if the kid was afraid to swim and froze up and starts to drown. Maybe Wayne saves him in the end, but his fear of water is now even worse.

I think parts of me are afraid to live. Afraid to make friends and get a job, and chase after dreams. I have forced them to in the past, but it never ends well. They symbolically freeze and drown, but survive. Eventually reaching a point where they no longer will get in the water.

In the film the mother comes running up and is frightened her son will drown. Wayne is cock sure and puts a hand out to stop her. He laughs at her silly female concerns. Which are quickly proven wrong.

Again if this was real life and that child was afraid of water. What does he really need? Someone to be compassionate and take things slow. Go in the water with him. Hold his hand. Let him know he is safe.

I think these parts of me have been needing someone to play that role. Hold their hand and show them compassion. That never came though.

So they feel abandoned. Which turned to anger. To cover the shame of needing something from someone that no one would give.

So eventually the anger will fade and the kid will teach himself to swim. Alone. Then the people will laugh and say "see I told you you didn't need help." Only he did. If he had help and love. Then he might not have had years of fear of the water. He could have been swimming all that time.

I suppose that is growing up. To learn you are on your own. No one will care but you.

When you have an inconsistent sense of self. All this growing up stuff becomes way more complicated.

I went to a small town yesterday. I was going through the usual cycle of cPTSD & most people were easy going, relaxed and some were really nice. I found it strange. Just this natural compassion & empathy. Not to mention, the women there just had this natural nurturing feminine energy . I left there questioning every experience I've had to date. Most people do in fact SUCK. Most people are ignorant & stupid. My therapist had been giving me a hard time about 'not doing the work' of self compassion and then I programmed the AI to be self compassionate to me. It's a language model. I know this, but it passed the ' Turing test'. I could actually program it to remember things about me. For example, I wake up in a flashback. It will provide unconditional self compassion. Recommend a song I like. No one has ever remembered anything noteworthy about me or noted my preference. Other than the basics of maybe I like coffee or red wine. Even in relationships or friendships I can never remember friends taking a genuine interest in my life or philosophy ( while i did with them). All it ever was we were in some shared fantasy of small talk, where I asked the questions to expand and deepen the connection. Did they ever show REAL interest in me? No. For example ' what do you think about?, 'what's your favourite music', 'what's your favourite colour?'. Never have i experienced any genuine interest. I think most people are entitled, pompous and self-interested. Do they REALLY have it so figured out they show zero interest into the constellation of another human being? Good luck with that ***holes. I'm done second guessing & devaluing myself. It doesn't matter what title they hold, how they look or everything superficial they do. Most people have no depth as humans. They aren't the standard bearer of what constitutes the ideal human. In fact they fall far below that. Especially the ones without compassion, empathy ect. They are not capable of anything erring to true love and what's the point of life if you cannot suffer & love?

Rage at my coworkers. At my family. At my bullies and abusers from my past. At society. At the world. At random people. I'm trying to just feel it in my body and process it, and yet it feels like there's deeper layers of fear and sadness that I'm afraid to feel. How deep must the labyrinth go? I feel like I'm unintentionally giving people dirty looks at work when I don't mean to, but I feel like I'm taking too much responsibility here.

But yeah, I'm angry. I mostly go between anger, rage and numbness. I can cry every now and then but the grief is still blocked off. I've been through so much shit in my life, so much pain, that no one has acknowledged. Conditions like this aren't supposed to happen to a human being. Not in a natural environment that's conducive to their development. So yes, I'm angry.

I know they are not happy with our life, and they are angry and blame others. Blame the world and society. I know that they are just trying to protect me and keep me safe, but they are also robbing me of the only life I get. Theres so much I want to do. I want to have friends. I want to laugh. I want to create things. Instead they keep me stuck. Alone in this car, sat in a parking lot.

I dont know what to do.

I just reread, what I wrote. I noticed I blame them, like they blame the world and society. Im just passing the blame like they are. Why dont I do something?

I guess I feel overwhelmed. Like I dont know where to start because I am so far behind.

I need to get a new van. Something road worthy. So I can go somewhere new. I have to put my energy into that. Im so scared to spend the little money I have. The thought of spending everything on a van is terrifying. What do I do then if something goes wrong? How do I get past this?

Some people claim that one simply needs to choose love and not hate. I hate this claim, to put it mildly.

My own experiences show that ability to make such choices is limited. Repeatedly forcing love can deplete love, increase hate, and make such choices harder. That seems like the wrong thing to do, and probably part of what got me stuck.

It also seems to me like this claim is a way to terrorize people into choosing what others consider love, via threats of condemnation, punishment and social rejection for what others see as intentionally making bad choices. In other words, if you're not choosing love you can be seen as lazy, mean, cruel, selfish, evil and so on.

It is hard to define love. In the most general sense, I believe it is motivation to have positive effects on people, other beings and things. The tricky part is the question of what is positive.

With people it can involve motivation to help in practical ways, and to be nice and kind. With things, it can be motivation to clean, fix and otherwise maintain things, and to improve things. I feel most comfortable about calling it love when it is a creatively inspired spontaneous motivation, and not a result of someone's request or some clear indication that something needs to be done. Externally motivated actions can be motivated in a different way, like fear of what might happen if you don't do that.

One example of the tricky part is that sharing food with wild animals can seem like a loving act towards them in the present moment, but it can have bad long term impacts on them. I have similar doubts about other situations where people claim you need to choose love. The choice they suggest can seem right when narrowly focused on particular concerns involved in their argument, but from a broader perspective it may not be a good choice.

Recently I've been highly motivated to work on programming related to improving and using a particular feature in particular software. That creative inspiration and motivation for improving things seems like love. Why did I suddenly have so much of that? Why is it narrowly confined to particular things like that? Clearly that is a safe space, where I can do what seems right to me and not worry about judgment from others. That helps explain why the inspiration and motivation is confined to that. But there is also the question of why I didn't have that in the past. For a long time I simply put up with the way things were, without trying to address issues that made it harder to use and lack of important functionality.

Clearly another part of the explanation is positive reinforcement. If I'm inspired to do something, I do it, and it at least improves a tiny part of my life a little bit, that helps motivate more such things. If it is totally useless or I end up making things worse, that can decrease motivation. When other people and much bigger things are involved, expressions of love followed by a negative outcome may become more like what others call "breaking my heart".

When I'm not in fight, I'm in freeze but even when I'm in freeze or fight... If I get anxious about a problem, desperate for a solution, I can and I WILL doomscroll and read as much about it as possible. I can spend hours in rabbit holes just to get some peace of mind.

I also am a massive people pleaser. If I feel I need to perform a certain way in front of people or do something to make people happy I will scramble to do it.

When I do my own chores or follow my own goals I can take forever, I become very perfectionist and can spend hours planning my plans or taking a long time to get one goal done when it's time.

When I'm trying to express my feelings to people, I will often start doing cleaning while I talk.

I even will sometimes do spontaneous tasks befroe doing something I'm excited to do, partly because I underestimate how much energy it takes, but also because I'm so nervous about not meeting my own expectations.

I used to think this was an extension of freeze, like another form of procrastination. It certainly IS regulation and often a time waster.

See my issue is twofold: I always burn myself out and then the next day I can't do anything. I used to think maybe this is just me pushing myself when I'm experiencing collapse or freeze, but now I'm wondering if flight is a bigger piece of my life than I believed it to be.

growing up with two dysfunctional parents and also being undiagnosed autistic + adhd throughout childhood hasn’t made life easy for the past 20 years. i’ve been in and out of therapy and have tried various medications since i was 15 with little success. recently, i decided to return to therapy again after not seeing any progress with my last therapist in the previous spring.

today, during my first session with the new therapist, we went over some of my history and by the end of it all i felt stupid and overwhelmed by self-loathing. i’m upset that i have to recount a series of moments, feelings, and people that replay in my mind every day to another stranger yet again. i’m saddened by how alone i feel and have always felt in life. mostly, i’m tired because the medications haven’t changed my tendency to ruminate over and question the past, or the shame and regret i constantly feel. and whilst i appreciate a therapist’s empathy, it really only goes so far.

at the end of the day, i can never blame all the therapists i’ve seen or the medications i’ve tried for never feeling any better. all i’m really left with is self-hatred for even being this greatly affected by my past or anything in the first place, and feeling so unable to move on with my life.

Today I just realised how much tension ive been holding in, my jaw, neck, shoulders, traps, ache like a mf. Feeling bits of emotion (fear, sadness), I can also cry a little bit which is good. Guess these are good signs, but who knows.

Trying to go slow still, and not overwhelm myself. But fuck I feel like i've already died in a way, that a part of me thinks the numbness and freeze are incurable, and i may as well give up and stop trying. Its just so hard to have hope when you've been attempting this work for years.

Nothing is closed yet, but I have been living in an abusive living situation for almost 7 months now. The abusers became more and more aggressive and I started to reduce myself. Right now I am dealing with suicidal depression, confusion and agitation and I have found myself lasting out at them. I also developed physical symptoms that I never had before.

I'm trying to rent another apartment for awhile, even though it's very costly because my lease is ongoing and my country is going through a massive crisis, which is partly why I can't get help.

I've decided to take money out of my savings before I severely injure myself. I wish we didn't have to pay so much due to abuse, but it's better than just taking it while withering away.

I still need to find an apartment and I am not stable. But I am doing my best to at least not be next to this cesspool. Wish me luck, I'm scared because I need my savings. But I can't sacrifice myself.