/r/InternalFamilySystems

Photograph via snooOG

Internal Family Systems is a powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Our inner parts contain valuable qualities and our core Self knows how to heal, allowing us to become integrated and whole. In IFS all parts are welcome.

Join The IFS Discord

>>> Click Here to Join

Community Guidelines

  1. This is a peer support community to share and engage in IFS related content and conversations. Be a supportive, compassionate peer.

  2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Unless a post is requesting feedback or asking for community help, keep opinions to yourself. If you are giving feedback/help, use “I” language - you don’t know enough about the persons context and history to comment on their experience directly, but share how your experiences might relate.

  3. Racism, bigotry, misogyny/misandry, and other hate speech is unacceptable.

  4. Please be mindful about triggering content. Avoid graphic thread titles, and use [Trigger Warning], NSFW whenever appropriate.

  5. All content must be related to Internal Family Systems

  6. No advertising. This includes promoting of groups and coaching!

/r/InternalFamilySystems

37,212 Subscribers

3

Infidelity

How to even think of infidelity in terms of IFS? (I am the one who cheated.) and I am not looking to be shamed, as I already carry a tremendous amount of guilt and shame from it all.

5 Comments
2024/11/02
04:08 UTC

4

Can you feel where your parts "live" inside your head?

So my therapist has brought up parts work s few times over the past few years we've been working together, but we only got into it recently for the past few months. It's been very impactful to how I think and feel for the better, so I have no doubts that it's a good practice for me.

However, I discovered this sub and I've been reading through the posts and I've found that my experience isn't reflected at all in much of what I've seen, which is making me curious to how people experience their parts.

My part(s) have distinct places in my mindscape in which they "live" and operate. I know when a part is active and listening because I feel it in that part of my head, and I know when my thoughts or feelings are coming from a part because they come from a specific area. It's just how it's always been, and I'm curious if anyone can relate. I've never told anyone this other than my therapist because I feel like I'd sound crazy lol.

3 Comments
2024/11/02
03:57 UTC

2

My therapist and IFS

So in the last year or more, my therapist has pushed IFS. I have done some research, read parts of books, watched videos. I have a Bachelor's in Psychology, so I have some knowledge on mental health I think.

He seems to repeat himself a lot. "Your parts mean well" or "Tell that part to step back" or "That part developed over time to do so and so". I get the technique. I understand it even though I have a hard time pushing the different parts away and getting in touch with my parts.

I don't know if it's for me honestly. I am constantly in my thoughts. I don't know how to meditate and I've never been good at turning my brain off. We seem to talk about the same parts every time. I find myself frustrated after the sessions. We touch on deep stuff sometimes but I'll be frustrated because I can't get in touch with these parts and turn them off or move them or do anything. I'm 35m, btw with a long history of childhood trauma, drug abuse, depression, ADHD and bipolar disorder. So that's a long time of suppressing and a lot to deal with.

I have an appointment tomorrow with him.

Is IFS not for me? Maybe I should be finding a different treatment or therapist? Is there a trick for getting these parts to make more sense? Am I looking at this wrong?

Thanks all.

5 Comments
2024/11/02
02:58 UTC

16

Did IFS with MDMA and I still have very strong resistance

It was a multi-hour intensive. I took MDMA because I heard it's good for IFS therapy, helping you open up more. Yet my therapist said my parts were still very guarded and she cannot go through them, I would keep shutting things down. It also apparently made it harder to navigate because the MDMA would "numb" my emotions and I can't tell if I am feeling sad or angry while talking about things, I just felt very relaxed the whole time. But if I was sober I probably would not have talked as much, and may have been annoyed with the therapist.

I felt like I didn't have enough hours, it felt too short (4 hours). It felt like I was just there to ramble, and we didn't do much direct IFS work as my parts weren't letting us in (according to her) and she was observing my parts play around for most part. I didn't want to leave either.

25 Comments
2024/11/02
00:26 UTC

10

How do you let your major parts "live"?

Specifically a question for those who have major personality modes, "facets", or other competing senses of self that have arisen via disruptive life changes, transitions, etc.

Assuming they're not entirely dissociated from one another, but still have polarized opinions/lifestyles/goals: how do you be all of them at once? Or give your "selves" time to exist outside of the boundaries they previously lived in?

6 Comments
2024/11/02
00:18 UTC

2

Three parts creating problems

I have a part that during a time when I could not get away from abuse suggested suicide to ease the pain. It helped me express my anger by internalizing it with cutting and got me out of my body so that I could disassociate from the feelings I could not safely express any other way.

Now that I'm grown no one beats me. But I still get that little voice saying to kill myself when overwhelmed. So a new part emerged. An expressive part that would start to babble my emotions and express them out loud in a way I never could before.

But when this expressive part emerges I'm already overwhelmed and need to vent/decompress...not babble insesantly in such a way that naturally makes whoever I'm arguing with respond. The response of the other part to my babbling just overwhelms me more. Usually my babbling is illogical and they have plenty of things to say about how illogical I sound, which I do.

So a new part, the angry part emerges to express boundaries in such an explosive way that the other part will walk away from me allowing my expressive part to take back over so I can decompress.

Obviously a problem. But I can't seem to shut up. I try to write things down so I can get it out but like today when I'm cooking and can't step away to give my expressive part the room it needs, I am at risk of exploding and saying things I absolutely don't mean. Like I hate you, etc etc.

What can I do?

2 Comments
2024/11/02
00:16 UTC

1

Anybody experienced in parts work/IFS while lucid dreaming?

Are specific parts running the show? What does (un)blending or even unburdening look/feel like?

0 Comments
2024/11/01
21:26 UTC

8

What is parts work?

I have childhood PTSD. I just got a new therapist and she brought up parts work, we explored it a little in our session today. It was interesting because for a long time I have felt these different parts of myself but didn't have the words to describe it. I want to make it clear I'm not speaking of something like DID. Just these sort of thought patterns I guess that I have that feel like different versions of me, but still separate from me? Why do I understand what these different parts of me feel and what they are thinking ? Or even what they would be doing if they were in a physical space? Why do these parts feel almost like a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings? I don't understand if this is how it normally is. Am I making it up?

6 Comments
2024/11/01
18:06 UTC

2

Am I doing this IFS thing right?

I've only ever engaged with 3, maye 4 parts. The inner Mother, Father, Child and Critic.

If I'm feeling bad I treat my emotions like they are the inner child, then I imagine the internal mother and father of my dreams comforting the child and perhapse they confront the critic which I also kinda treat as the inner child.

I recently had three dreams and one expirience that has me wondering if im doing it all wrong.

Dream one: I'm being driven in a horse drawn carriage through a refugee camp. The white horse becomes a zombie and begins attacking me and some near by children untill I force it into a bonfire where it dissolves.

Dream two: I see a yellow/orange peony in a fruit basket, one of the petals is bruised. I hear a voice tell me, litterally, to start labeling my IFS parts.

Later on, awake, I sat down and decided to ask the zombie horse why it attacked me because I figure all the people in my dreams are projections of my self. I got a response. Super fast and it felt very clear. It told me that I had been useing it to drive myself along and how about I clean some of that sh*t up (referring to the mess of the refugee camp).

I was really surprised it worked.

I'm not sure what it means tho and if the horse is a part...what part is it?

Dream three: I am in a dark mall and I see two people, a couple walking. I try to catch up to them but they walk into a portrait/painting and become inanimate. I know I am dreaming. I sing to myself 'this is my fantasy, I create all I see, there's no one here but me'...then I turn to face a window, it's black inside and reflects my image back to me. A girl maybe 14 appears behind me in a dingy nightgown. She creeps me out so bad I jump around, manifest a knife and stab at her before waking up.

I wish I had asked her what her deal was. She reminds me of myself but also old reoccurring nightmares I used to have.

Is she a part? Do parts manifest in our dreams? So confused, please help.

4 Comments
2024/11/01
17:22 UTC

5

multilingual IFS / do you finish your thoughts?

i probably should have separated this into two posts but i don't want to spam. so, first question-

multilingual IFS

i mainly speak two languages (one at work + i almost exclusively consume content made in that language + i started learning about and practicing IFS also using that language and that caused me to start thinking in that language more; other one is my native one, i use it more with my family and friends, and think using that language too sometimes). i also noticed a pattern that some thoughts tend to appear in one language more than others. do you think different parts use different languages? how does IFS work for you if you're bilingual? what patterns in your thought process and language switch do you notice?

(sidenote, i didn't do my homework and i still have no idea what my parts are and don't have an 'inner map'. my main focus is to become more compassionate and observe what i think, but making a bigger picture and figuring out who is who seems like a very intimidating task for me)

another interesting sidenote. three years ago (and all the years before that) i was speaking and thinking in only one - a third language. i call this a colonizer language, because i'm from a country where this was not a native l., and we uhm.. got colonized for centuries by the native speakers of that one. three years ago i started to unlearn it and speak my native language. at first - of course - it was not easy, and while i was already speaking my native l. my thought process was still in the colonizer l.. overtime, i got used to my native l., and i noticed that along with removing the influence of the colonizer l. it became easier for me to not bully myself, which is awesome. negative self-talk just slowly melted away, and then later on IFS helped remove the residual stuff. i guess some habits are attached to the language we use too, or.. please insert your thought on this in the comments, that's why i'm here asking for your perspective < 3

second question-

do you finish your thoughts when you think them?

when a thought appears, i often say it internally, with pauses, tone, mood that suits the thought and reflects how i relate to it. but, do i really need to do all that? when i begin to speak through the thought i know that thought fully, and in terms of practicality there's no need to act it out. i think the thought - it's done, in a matter of couple seconds.

do you think there's a corellation between how you think and whether it's a part communicating? now that i've typed out "with pauses, tone, mood that suits the thought and reflects how i relate to it", i think this might be the case. because why else would i feel the need to do this, if this was not a part communicating? another thing my friend suggested, is that when the thought appears and you notice it, this might be your unconcoius mind, and when you 'spell it out' it's your concious mind processing the information. or does your unconcious mind not appear when you're concious, because, it's unconcious?

gahh, i'm making this complicated XD it's not like i want to save myself some time and process/register my thoughts in a blink of an eye, i just don't understand why my brain works that way. i also think it's kind of fun to imagine myself speaking the thought in full, and it's of course much easier to process what i think if i put some personality into it. because if i think something and speak it in my mind sarcastically, first of all, it's funny, second, it's easy to determine how i relate to the topic i'm thinking about. so maybe it's a good thing.

but, i'm not here to yap, i want yall to yap as well! how do you think????

thanks for everyone who read all this, i appreciate your attention!

14 Comments
2024/11/01
11:41 UTC

32

An inconsolable part believes it is unlovable and refuses comfort or conversation

Tldr: Jump to **** below (last three paragraphs).

Over the years I have seen wheelchair ramps or road signs to be careful as there may be an autistic or deaf child in the area, and they made me cry. I thought it was a reflection of seeing others cared for but feeling like I was forgotten all my life.

I have a history of being excluded, bullied, ostracised, and so on. My constant fear was always that I am behind others in experience or that I do not fit in. The past decade has been very lonely. Once in a therapy session I asked whether if: I feel accomplished, happy, sad, but have no one to share it with, does it matter, does it really exsit? You get the idea of my anxious - avoidant attachment style boardering on some codependant traits.

The past 2 weeks or so I have attempted to connect with my emotionally neglectful mom. It did not go well. But now she wants to celebrate my birthday with me (I haven't celebrated at all in over a decade). I feel exhausted, dejected, used. She couldn't help with plenty of stressful things in the past few weeks but now is "there for me".


Well, today I was watching kids go door to door for Halloween (one of my favourite times of the year) and I saw a kid dressed up in a wheel chair with his mom and sister pushing him. It broke me. 7 hours later, I am still crying.

I realized that I do not believe I will ever be loved. Not by my firends, not by my peers, no one will put up a sign for me or push me lovingly in wheelchair if I need it. No one will go to the trouble of comforting me or inconveniencing themselves for me. Even my own mom cannot show me she cares in a gentle way. It does not matter if I am better, smarter, funnier, sexier, younger, older, selfless, charismatic. "None of those things will make people love me." And since no one has or will do it by choice in the future, I am stuck with the conclusion that love is not for me.

The part that says this, is inconsolable. He is a young boy and refuses any soothing or company. I am fairly blended with him but any time I try to comfort or ask questions he just shuts me out completely. He does not want resolution, caring, understanding, he believes he is unlovable.

How do I help him? It is literally breaking my heart.

15 Comments
2024/11/01
06:43 UTC

101

My therapist changed a negative belief I had and It's nearly destroyed me.

I didn't believe in love. In friendship. It was my job to keep us away from those things. And now I don't even know who I am anymore. A part has been very compassionate to me and I am beyond grateful, to the point of crying. Even as im writing this. I have alot to learn. I don't know where to go from here, because a part encouraged me to introspect. I did so, and it was outside of session. But the conclusion I've come to is....devastating.

73 Comments
2024/11/01
00:50 UTC

51

OCD/ADHD working with Avoidance and Perfectionism

THE PERFECTIONISM PIPELINE

In coaching clients with ADHD and OCD, I often see a relentless perfectionism that quickly becomes overwhelming, sparking a challenging cycle: the drive to meet impossible standards, fueled by fear of mistakes, initially feels like a way to avoid judgment but soon triggers intense anxiety, procrastination, and self-doubt. This cycle often spirals, as perfectionistic “manager” parts—like the inner critic, over-planner, and distractor—work overtime to keep failure and vulnerability at bay, yet only deepen anxiety and push clients toward depression.

For a deeper dive into this cycle, explore my article on Medium: OCD and ADHD Perfectionism Explained.

https://preview.redd.it/zb3mvs2cd5yd1.png?width=1308&format=png&auto=webp&s=beb91c8982179cad4ba8f4a415a9e733fe93cc90

So curious to hear your thoughts bc I feel a little blinded by my parts influence and bias on the subject

4 Comments
2024/10/31
19:56 UTC

19

Is grief a part?

I find myself feeling sad about the ways my life has been smaller because of my trauma—time lost, loneliness, less achievement than I would have liked. Is this the grownup Self mourning, or is it a part?

6 Comments
2024/10/31
19:10 UTC

6

Unattached burdens - Incubus/Succubus

I read Bob Falconer's book. He talks about unattached burdens as "demons" that typically fill people will depression, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts. I was wondering whether unattached burdens can come as other types of "demons" like those who drain wealth or sexual/emotional energy such incubi/succubi (as traditionally defined by Judeo-Christian folklore).

26 Comments
2024/10/31
16:45 UTC

16

Repeatadley paralysed by inner-conflict when figuring our my job/work

TL;DR: I have my parts in conflict. Some are trying to keep me safe from hurting again (I'm very thankful) and some are trying to navigate the current world outside of my control and get me a new job. And I'm stuck (frozen, numbed). If you could think of and share inner conflicts of yours, how you have approached it, or any related thoughts/ideas, it might spark some inspiration within me, thanks!

More context: I grew up as a parentified golden child in a narcissistic family, always needing to perform, and be a family trophy, proof we're "healthy", managing everything and everyone's moods and needs. Though any success was always given to me by "god", failure was always my fault. So I internalized that things are outside of my control, and my effort doesn't really contribute to anything. "I just got lucky this time."

I struggle with people-pleasing, perfectionism, inner accountability, overtaking responsibility, constantly moving goalposts, and taking too much on myself. Also with authority and being seen. But I get my value from working and productivity. I go into freeze if someone around me gets dysregulated - conflict, disagreement, voicing some uncommon idea or opinion (which I'd like, it's valuable). My body learned that as a safety measure due to my mother's volatility. So it's really hard to be heard, and keep my boundaries at the moment, I usually feel bad that I haven't said/done an obvious thing later. And I have trouble with my worth and asking for money so I need to budget a lot even though I shouldn't be in this. Subjectively I feel like an imposter, objectively based on feedback people see me as talented.

I've spent the past 8 years freelancing (due to my CPTSD, I need flexibility and can't have a boss or manager). I had various clients, recommended via word-of-mouth because I have a huge problem promoting myself. But it brings the same kind of similar "insecure" people that I co-create my family dynamic with. It usually starts well, people "love" me because I'm reliable and can do/learn almost everything. But due to my coping mechanisms, I then become resentful, try to fix things, the other side then doesn't like me doing "less", and my only option is to leave. Sometimes I had to leave because the environment was just toxic, I was ignored, not paid, micromanaged. I also burned out twice during that period, the second time was pretty bad. Now, I have trouble imagining some ideal scenario I could strive for, dreading the idea of continuing this way since I made a promise not to put myself into such harm again.

IFS is not available in my country, so I'm doing it on my own, but also getting proper DBT therapy. In the past 3 years, I went no contact with my family, severed a lot of friendships, and improved the rest of them. I also made huge progress with my romantic relationship and emotional regulation. I'm so much better. But I'm severely stuck with the work situation. I quit my last client 2 months ago and since then I can't move forward. I keep reading and studying things (all kinds of books possible, thousands of hours of video/podcasts), but it's more of a procrastination feeding the idea I can find a perfect solution for this.

To simplify it, I'm now probably in this deadlock of hurt child part that was promised to be protected. And the perfectionistic part trying to figure out a way that would work for all the limitations I have and keep me safe. And as my therapist said yesterday, it's just impossible. I can't control other people and outcomes. I also made it too big, with too many limitations. The stakes to figure it out right away are too high. And I desperately need some sort of "positive example" to hope and to go after.

I have some savings and I can wait, but with everything getting more expensive, me not working ("not being valuable"), and having much less contact with other people - it starts to add a lot of stress. I'm scared I'll end up panicking, going back, and repeating the whole thing again (some old clients want me back). Or I'll just avoid everything and slide into some sort of depression/avoidance (I did that in the past after burnout). When I'm trying to imagine some ideal future my brain goes blank. So there might be even some numbing part involved. And to make it more complicated, the studying/procrastination part really enjoys that I have all day long to go into rabbit holes so I also need to manage that.

I rationally understand I need to start small, do incremental steps and re-learn/experience new things through action. But the inner conflict won't let me. There's a visceral terror in me when I'm trying to think about it, or plan something, even when I talk about it with others. I guess I just don't know how to not be hurt again so until I do, the parts won't let me do another step.

18 Comments
2024/10/31
16:00 UTC

1

Was this inappropriate from the therapist?

I have had a session with a therapist today and I brought up some trust issues (by trauma and such) towards him and I have mentioned that if I do not trust him then it means basically that I do not trust myself. Because we are all One (hard to explain) and equal, plus there is a saying "as inside so outside".

He answered "yes, that is correct, I can agree". Maybe I expected a different answer from him or some compassion or something.

What do you think ?

12 Comments
2024/10/31
15:16 UTC

8

Shame and Fear, makes it Feel impossible to access "Parts" or "needs".

I've wondered for a long time how to access certain parts that were never allowed to exist? If every way you existed, as a 1. young baby part 2. toddler part 3. young child 5-8 year old you.....never really felt secure, or shame free, ....., then why on Gods green earth would you ever have access to a part that only knows terror, shock, or pain when being seen? What information would you gather from a terrified part, too traumatized to speak or feel into itself, too scared to move? Sometimes too terrified to breathe?

I've had sessions where I was asked, "and so what does baby you think?" and I thought, "my baby part can't think or feel, but is still in a state of shock, it's not communicating anything?" It's not uncommon that I'm literally having trouble speaking, communicating my thoughts, ideas, and needs, because I'm always trying to sidestep these unproductive, confused, overwhelmed, valueless....parts. I'm trying to function from a place of no need...sidestep the shame of existing, and so I stumble, apologize profusely, forget if something is important to me, all because there are major parts of my personality that have never actually been allowed to live and breath and exist-shame free. I revert to logic, and being rational as my only refuge, which may work half the time, because it's half of my existence, half my brain, I'm guessing?.

This mysterious hidden aspect of myself that I keep running over because I'm afraid if I acknowledge all the pain, I'll become completely catatonic , hysterical, homicidal, and then won't be able to dress myself or talk.....which strangely enough is becoming increasingly difficult while these parts start to surface with all their needs.

I've had to reach out a lot lately because of a project I cant manage by myself. It's killing me to have to ask for this much help without actually screaming from the terror of being that close to humans and being seen. AND , it has a lot of moving parts, which means having to ask more than one person for help. These parts need constant reassurance and validation, but they're not getting it. All they get from me is, "stop being annoying and getting in the way of the project". Apparently I'm attempting to "care" for myself, my life, be rational and productive, while incorporating as much emotional neglect , emotional shaming as possible. The end goal (apparently) is to only allow the most basic ,functional resolution of problems, making sure that none of it is nurturing. It's a crushing experience to realize that the end goal of your upbringing, ............was always not to be allowed to exist.....with all your parts, just parts that were shame free; so rational, easy, convenient and compliant.

I tell myself I need to engage in a very rational, task oriented manner. When a terrified part starts to creep in, I shift into a freeze state, or shutting down. It's massively difficult to engage with terrified parts, maneuver around that, and function as an adult. And now, because I can't access these traumatized parts, or my silly feelings, that just want to scream out in pain for all that they've been through, all the neglect .....guess which "parts" are in control of running my life? That's right, the "functional" albeit shaming, parent introjects, or inner critiques that tell me my needs are stupid. And that's my life; being run by more "competent", albeit emotionally abusive and emotionally negligent , shaming ......."parts",.......because they're the only ones that can talk, negotiate complicated tasks without feeling, without "getting in the way". But in reality, they suck as nurturers. My life is being run by abusive assholes, the same abusive assholes I was trying to get away from who would rather see me die from neglect than care for me in a kind attentive, reassuring way. They didnt care if I died.

As much as I talk about my feelings, acknowledge how important they are, at the end of the day its' just lip service. I don't really value my true feelings-what a shocker. I process them, but then suppress them, when "more important" things are at play.

Negotiating that much fear and trepidation when in an adult level conversation that involves complicated complex tasks.....feels impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. If I'm not going to look like someone completely unstable, I have to suppress a lot. But burying my pain in order to be functional and productive isnt' really working either? In fact it's fucking things up. I end up freezing a lot, and I have too much work going on to freeze. I suspect it's because it's a part that I don't recognize ....is demanding to be heard, it doesn't want to stay closed up in a coffin. Then , when I try to suppress it,......these parts rebel, refuse to serve me....my brain shuts down....because "No, I'm not doing another performative thing until you start listening to me. " And i never do. I just put up with their useless dysfunction, until I can manage a way to shame them into being more performative and getting their shit together......, stop being traumatized, you're screwing things up!.

I continue to exile these parts, I end up more dysfunctional......even though I've told myself this "part", is useless , too much, and valueless. I only realize it's valuable, needs attention, when I try to ignore it, end up hurting myself, which then throws me into a freeze state because I dont understand how I'm managing to find all these ways to hurt myself, or how these so called useless , valueless parts, feelings, have so much control and power over my life? why can't I just continue to Shame them, so they'll stop screwing up my life? Then I feel sad and defeated. There I am , shocked and frozen with the realization how it's all connected to my upbringing. . Just this long massive flashback into all the abuse and neglect, just by trying to take care of myself. None of it makes sense.

I feel like I'm running over my soul with someone else's needs and wants, certainly not mine. There's a constant shame loop playing at all times. It seems to "care" want to serve me, but it doesnt. It's a gigantic Lie, this "caring", rational part, pretending to serve me, while wiping out my existence by shaming me. Even if I were to talk to these parts, I'm not sure they would know what they want....while these dictator parts are in control?

Just asking for help forces me to confront a parent introject that is ready to assault and shame me for asking for anything beyond "please don't kill me". This evil parent introject is constantly monitoring how much I ask for, ready to pounce if its too much. I'm constantly apologizing, when a part that I thought I exiled out of existence shows up, and starts communicating a need that I didn't approve of. With every fiber of my being I believe allowing vulnerable parts to surface will bring with it suffering , pain, and punishment.

I feel like I walk away from these exchanges with helpers, humans, people, like "whew, that was close, my needs might have been too much, and then I would have been annihilated, thank god I didn't let that show". But then I sucked at taking care of myself, acknowledging a "silly too young need", and who do I get mad at when people can't read my needs? Why I hate it when someone says "take care". That's great for someone brought up to believe self care is a good thing, and not this way that you were evil and selfish for acknowledging needs, so "take care" la dee da, is not the same for people having to neglect themselves all their lives just to stay safe.

I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about how often I had to bury every need, wasnt allowed to live....as myself. Then realizing why it's so hard to "care" for myself. I was forced to Morph myself into something subservient and unnatural, an entity without needs. Someone easy and accessible, , compliant. It didnt matter that shaming me repeatedly would manifest as soul erasure..... then told it was for your own good, to make you better. Better than who you actually are because that's obviously bad.

I feel like the shame of being seen., and asking for help every day..... is literally killing me.

I attached a link to a post written by a therapist, but it felt so close to so many sessions I've had, where I was expected to know what a part, wanted, needed, felt, when it was a struggle to just show up in a non dissociative state.

https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/comments/13f4b0e/im_a_level_3_trained_therapist_and_im_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

7 Comments
2024/10/31
14:19 UTC

3

How to identify your protectors.

Hi I'm reading the Self-Therapy book by Jay Earley and I am on page 30. It suddenly provides an exercise asks to "Think about tow of your protectors".

Even though I've understood what a protector is... I can't identify off the top of my head a protector of mine right now. They are subtle.

How do you go about identifying your protectors?

4 Comments
2024/10/31
09:48 UTC

1

Can IFS help with my feeling of uneasiness/homesickness?

Hey guys, so I’ve only just found out about IFS 30 mins ago. So I still have to read up on it. However, I just wanted to ask: can IFS help with my feeling of „homesickness“? So wherever I go, I often feel the need to withdraw. Even nice places like nature can’t really calm me down. I often feel emotionally damaged, as if I wanted to feel safe and secure and the outside world is too overwhelming and unfamiliar (I’m not having a fear for my physical safety actually). Even as a kid, I couldn’t really be anywhere for a longer time and felt kinda lonely.

Can IFS help with this?

Kind regards

2 Comments
2024/10/31
09:19 UTC

3

Can enjoyable and/or productive activities be parts?

I've been wondering about habitual enjoyable and/or productive experiences that have associated habitual mental states. Examples include gardening and going swimming at a beach.

When there is a long term pattern of some activity bringing about some mental state, with its own very characteristic feelings, That seems like the activity brings a part to the foreground. There is a kind of compartmentalization involved, with that part knowing how to handle various aspects of that activity, and with mental focus being somewhat confined to the activity and the present moment.

Part of what interests me is responses to losses of ability to have some experiences, like what happened when I moved to a different country in childhood. It seems like the part of me associated with some activities can remain dormant for a long time, and then become triggered by attempts to get rid of objects that were key to good experiences long ago.

Sometimes, when I'm not following habitual patterns, but considering available options, making intelligent choices, and trying new things, there is a different feeling, that intuitively feels very "me". I wonder if that is what people call self energy? I note that when I have that feeling, it also tends to help with emotional regulation, for example if some problem arises or some new choice turns out to not be very good.

The intuitive feeling associated with habitual activities seems consistent with the idea that a manager is in control. Though I feel uncomfortable with that claim. First of all, it is only an intuitive feeling, not something I can prove in a more rigid way. Secondly, if I say that various enjoyable and/or productive activities are manager activities,, then what is truly me? If I removed all such manager activities from my life, I would do very little.

3 Comments
2024/10/31
03:20 UTC

0

I can't tell if this is self or if all my parts are asleep except me.

Title. Uh. I get times where everybody feels close together. Like a magnet pulling together other magnets except there is a cloth separating them. Other times I feel calm and grounded and confident? Like now. I occasionally get the passive influence feelings of other parts. I can't tell if we're all blended or if I'm the only one here and the others are just drained. It's been a week thatd for sure. Idk. Thx for reading.

2 Comments
2024/10/31
03:11 UTC

13

Have you guys healed chronic illnesses with IFS therapy ?

Mystery illnesses like fibromyalgia, CFS, migraines etc

6 Comments
2024/10/30
23:12 UTC

42

Is it normal to feel so emotional after every session?

I've been in therapy for most of my life. I've done many different modalities, but never found one that was truly a good fit before IFS, which I fairly recently started. So far, we've done a bit of trauma work, but there has been a decent amount of sessions where I'm not talking about anything heavy because I didn't need to/didn't want to or simply my therapist felt that there were important aspects we should cover in the session to work on reducing other systems while still remaining not heavy subject wise. This is the first therapist I've seen for IFS, so I don't really know what aspects of the session are unique to my therapist. For this reason, I'll explain how sessions often go. Typically, I bring in a problem and we go over it in the session. They ask what feelings it evokes, what those feelings mean to me, what they look like, what they feel like, and to just feel the emotions that are brought up.

But even when sessions are light, even just talking about emotions will make me start crying in the session. It doesn't even have to be specific, just talking about them in general and mentioning a few specific ones with no examples tied to them will make me cry. And after they sessions, no matter how light, I always feel super emotional after. However, I have never experienced this before in therapy. Is this normal or abnormal, and what does this mean if I'm experiencing this?

34 Comments
2024/10/30
23:00 UTC

28

Why is solo parts work so difficult?

Why is it so hard to find safety and a sense of calm when doing solo work? I have gotten to a point where with a therapist I feel safe. Safe enough to open up and cry, express my movements, etc… However, when I am alone I feel really blended. When I try to go in I feel like my parts don’t want me to be there. Even closing my eyes or focusing on my body just feels overly uncomfortable. Not at all how it feels in therapy. Does this change? Does anyone have an explanation as to why this could be?

16 Comments
2024/10/30
22:14 UTC

21

Exhausted after a really heavy session/somatic release on left side of head.

I had a tough session with my therapist yesterday. I was able to connect with a young part of me that holds a lot of pain. I was only 4 years old back then, but this part has been half in and out throughout my life, (35+ years) only able to view the world from this very sad and scared perspective.

It has been extremely confusing for me. Before learning about having complex trauma and a dissociative disorder, I felt so alone in these deep, hidden feelings. I couldn’t understand why some days the world felt and looked so different.

It’s a part that was scared at home, and of the outside world. My early home life was very chaotic and I was badly bullied all through my school years beginning in day care.

Previously, when I tried to connect with her, she would run and hide. But yesterday, she let me hold her. She borrowed into my chest. I cried so hard. Deep, soul cries.

I had an amazing release and could feel the left side of my scalp and brain buzzing. I’ve only experienced this on the right side. It typically comes on as a sudden migraine on the right side and surrounds my right ear. Then, my ear begins to ache and starts ringing.

Yesterday, the right sided stuff didn’t happen. I was fascinated by this new sensation. No pain, just tingling after having a good cry as I imagined myself embracing her and holding her tight.

Not sure what I’m hoping for in this post. Just wanted to share. I’m new to all of this work and I am blown away by it, and also completely exhausted. I feel like my legs could just collapse below me. I am so so tired.

3 Comments
2024/10/30
18:11 UTC

3

IFS at Work

What parts do you notice showing up most for you in career goals/choices or while you're at work? Curious about both Protectors and Self-trusting parts.

1 Comment
2024/10/30
17:59 UTC

3

dating or seeking external love when you are still learning to love all your parts?

A week or so ago I made a post about "loving all your parts" and how love is a feeling as well as a action. I also mentioned that I have issues accessing to the feeling of love in general and am doing a homework assignment given to me by my therapist to try to find things/activities that evock feelings of "warmth/closeness/connection".. .Overall, this revelation that I have not felt sustained love from a person in my entire life has me questioning if I ever truly felt "love" for anyone? And if so, what other emotions has been taking its place. I thought of obsession, envy, general anxiety, bad feelings, and a disorganized attachment style. It also has me wondering if it would be a good idea to pursue relationship if this is truly the situation I'm in? I know people find love all the time, no matter where they are mentally but I'm wondering overall for those in a similar boat, or WAS in a similar boat, what did you all do?

4 Comments
2024/10/30
16:00 UTC

9

Very different parts that take control before and after orgasm

WARNING: Talk about sexual activity and CSA

Hi everyone

I just realised something the past couple of weeks and I was wondering if there were people who had similar experiences.

I am a 36 year old, single male. I never had a real relationship before because of I can't really connect on a deep level with other people very well, probably due to the traumatic experiences from my past.

That being said, I had a number of flirts and friends with benefits over the years.

I've started with IFS a month or two ago and looking back on those experiences now, it seems clear that there are very different parts taking control before and after I have an orgasm.

If I haven't recently had sex or masturbated, I can feel aroused thinking of a potential hookup and try to set that hookup in motion. When said hookup happens, it feels good, sometimes even great. At times, depending on who I am with, it can even make me relax or vulnerable a bit, and there might even a hint of some deeper connecting taking place.

But that's all gone from the moment I have an orgasm. At that moment, all I feel is shame, maybe even guilt and I just require distance and being alone.

I know I'm probably not the only man whose feelings change after reaching his climax, what with all the hormones etc. rushing through your body, but I don't think it is supposed to be this squarely opposed to what I felt 5 minutes before.

And know that I can see this in IFS terms, it feels like a totally different part is taking control and perhaps tries to do some damage control? Maybe it's scared of being vulnerable?

I don't know where this is coming from but it's been there my whole life. It doesn't help that I have suffered from premature ejaculation my whole life as well.

Beyond that I'm not sure what to think. As far as I can consciously remember, I never suffered any sexual abuse, though there are shards of a memory, when I had to stay alone in the hospital as a 3-4 year old, that I can't really place.

I'm curious to hear if anyone had any similar experiences or what you think of my situation.

12 Comments
2024/10/30
13:40 UTC

Back To Top