I got into an argument with my little sister where I told her I feel like she judges me for everything I say and do, and that I was aware it was my perception, but that I was still upset. I respect her parts that got angry, but my post is about how I was sitting here, feeling badly for myself, and all of a sudden I went "why does it matter to me if a 15 year old judges me? Why does it matter to me if anyone judges me?" And then I stopped feeling upset. Is that part dead? Will it come back worse or something? Did the part get healed without my active intent?

I was noticing that my brain just tends to shut down with specific kinds of tasks, especially when it comes to reason yourself through some logical conclusion. For years I suspected that I might be autistic or having ADHD (still not ruling out the former). Without going into the specifics I have a somewhat uneven cognitive profile around working memory. When reading a book I forget what was written on the page before the moment I go to the next one. When trying to observe myself when this "frizzling out" happens, I tend to get a rapid mental block even before starting the thinking, like some part of me is blocking out any capacity to calmly get through the task at hand and instead they (the part) resorts to strong feelings of loneliness, confusion, feelings of inadequacy. This is why I am suspecting that there is a part of me protecting me from "intellectual failure" maybe? Back in school I was mocked at and bullied because I spoke to no one as part of my social anxiety induced mutism so I don't have the healthiest frame of reference in regard to academic situations. Another part of me who connects to this inhibition is a very strong sense of "I have to be smart and witty in order for others to like me." so whatever happens there ties into a greater image. I don't know where this post is going, sorry. Maybe I am looking for people with similar experiences here, or how neurodivergence ties into Self and Parts-work.

Greetings, Xernist

I am very slowly coming out of freeze, and in doing so, somethings are revealing to me about how my system became organised defensively, and its quite confusing, so i am seeking views.....

For context, i have cPTSD, realising now at 42, that its mostly been freeze / collapse but i spent a lot of my life with active fight / flight too, until adult traumas kicked in at age 27. The biggest things that has impacted my system has been preverbal trauma (0 to 3), and quite severe abuse and neglect there.

When i was 27, a very significant trauma also happened, that pushed my system over more fully, i was living on my own, and i was clearly very depressed, but i didnt know it at all, and i didnt feel it. I was in a bad state:

- I would lie in bed watching shows, and only get up, if i was literally about to burst to poop or pee, and sometimes i didnt make it to the toilet. I didnt feel sad, i felt nothing and didnt know that either, maybe occasional frustration but that was rare, i was in autopilot, very little space or awareness of my state.

- my weight ballooned 20kgs and i bought bigger clothes but really had no idea i was getting bigger

- my addictions all got much much worse, but now i see they were like a lid to keep me safe from the world and feeling, and the few remaining now still do that too.,

- i withdrew from society - but also didnt know i was doing so

I guess the crux of what i am seeing is, the behaviour speaks to a depressive period, and from now going inside, i think if it wasnt numbed out, i may not have survived. I am curious though, i had just no awareness of this experience, and it went on for 5-7 years, i could work, and fake it to the world, but i was just so shutdown on my own (that still the case, but my awareness is growing and becoming a bit more embodied)

Seeing how others interpret this

I'm into mindfulness and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

From some time I know basics of IFS and it really helped me to better understand myself. I also work on myself in integrative way - for example I use ACT meditation for cognitive defusion and I believe it sometimes helps me to unblend from parts. I find existential aspects of ACT as very helpful in addition to working on trauma.

One of the ACT 6 core processes is "self as context" also called "observing self" (although I read Russ Harris saying that "observing self" is one of two meanings of "self as context", the other being any work that requires you to change perspective, for example inner child work).

My question is how is the self in IFS different from the "observing self" in mindfulness and other approaches?

A lot of CPTSD/IFS literature seems to emphasize that "youre ok now". Things are good and stable and there's no threat to your parts, now. Time to do the healing!

But... what if its not ok? What if youre in active danger? What if you're homeless, jobless, or sick? What if youre a part of a hated minority group? What if things objectively suck?

I feel I want him to watch and feel sad he walked away with a scornful. I leave you with your... pause... eye flash look up and down... scornfulface... video. .. but it feels right it's my journey to do . So I invite to watch as I wanted validation. But it's ok. I don't need it now. But I did experience these feeelings. So this video is coolCheck out this video about "What is IFS?": https://www.ifsguide.com/learnifs.html

My therapist and the head of psychiatry both told me that after a year of being a patient and my symptoms worsening, despite having weekly sessions I need to go trough the DES, SCID-D, MID (and ptsd assessment). I’ve refused the ptsd assesment for various reasons, the most obvious one - I truly don’t know how I will react. And I feel like I’ll end up sectioned if I do.

Anyways my question is, what is your diagnosis? and what usually is the treatment for these disorders (OSDD-DID)? I also show great signs of cptsd which makes sense, I also have “tentative BPD”, which they’re looking to change.

So I get triggered easily by my mom. I try to accept protective parts and exiles but I get triggered again abd protector takes over hating her, wants to punish her etc.

How do I get out of this situation? It physically hurts in head by trying to walk ballanced path. I seriously don't like my family, she's the only one that I'm talking but my conversations are g9ttwn terrible

I just discovered IFS from reading about in The Body Keeps the Score. The chapter on IFS immediately resonated with me in a very deep way, and I’ve ordered another book to learn more. But I know I need to find a therapist, so I’m curious how you go about finding a good one? I just moved to a very conservative Christian town and in my research, am realizing most therapists around here come from that perspective which is not one I need. I’d appreciate any advice for a newbie who feels a strong urge to explore this more. Thank you.

Can someone recommend a practitioner in London, UK? Someone who helped you to achieve your goals. Ideally someone who also knowledgeable about somatics.

just wanted to say thanks to Richard Schwarzt for discovering and popularizing IFS..

i wish more people would know about IFS and heal through it..

today, on my IFS session I felt the father presence profoundly and something shifted in me..

i grew up with a narc father and always felt unseen and unheard by him...

i always had problems with authority figures and at the same time always had role models as kind, wise old men, both of which habits i never fully understood in me..

the IFS experience was mix of releasing so much grief/sobbing for having never had a loving father, who would play with me or just sit at a distance to witness me playing with friends and at the same time felt amazing to finally receive the father energy as a little boy who craved it for so long..

I also have had a long standing problems with falling in love with emotionally unavailable women/limerance, which I might have finally resolved for good with this experience..

the Self provided fatherly love to my little boy and it was one of the most beautiful things i have ever experienced as a human being

I have ROCD and StPD, diagnosed . I am reading Schwartz's book "No bad parts", and I wonder why is it so hard for me to come to terms with all of it. I really think I dissociate while doing the exercises. Maybe some part is uncomfortable? I also dissociate or have weird sensations in many other situations. I try to connect with my heart and not my head, but the only thing I got so far is to cry when I saw that I fear that one part of me that wants to be left alone takes over control and breaks my relationship. I also wondered if maybe my mind is too disordered already to do standard IFS.

Thanks in advance

I just pre-ordered the new "Internal Family Systems Workbook" by Richard Schwartz (releasing Dec 3rd), and I'm wondering if others might be interested in going through it together in a very relaxed, flexible WhatsApp practice group.

I really appreciate that Schwartz and the IFS Institute are making this work more accessible to the general public through resources like this workbook. Not everyone has access to or can afford qualified IFS therapists, so this is a great opportunity for those of us who want to explore IFS work in a supportive community setting.

I'm relatively new to IFS myself (though I've worked briefly with an IFS-informed healer and used an IFS app for personal parts work), and I think it would be wonderful to create a space where we can all learn together - whether you're just starting out or have more experience with IFS to share.

What I'm envisioning:

• Super low-pressure format (because we all have busy lives!)
• WhatsApp group where we can easily share our progress
• Members can share when they complete a chapter/practice (even just a quick "finished chapter 1! 🎉")
• Optional sharing of thoughts/experiences for those who want to go deeper
• Everyone goes at their own pace - no pressure to keep up with others
• No mandatory meetings or rigid schedule
• Just mutual encouragement and light accountability
• Mute notifications whenever you need to focus

The main goal would be to create a supportive space where we can:

• Feel part of a community while doing the workbook
• Have some gentle accountability
• Share insights if we want to (totally optional)
• Know we're not alone in this journey

I'm really aiming to make this as easy as possible to participate in, while still getting the benefits of group support. You participate exactly as much or as little as works for you.

If you'd like to join, here's the WhatsApp group link: https://chat.whatsapp.com/D3L2pxfRMEEGzWZtR4ar1L

Just jump in and start sharing whenever you get your copy of the workbook. Looking forward to possibly working through this together!

I haven't started IFS but i will be soon as i have spoken to a therapist and we have booked in an appointment. I was diagnosed with Cptsd

So recently i finished having counselling and the counselor wasn't good. She asked me questions about my childhood based on how she was treated in her childhood. I find it hard to open up and felt like she was making it harder. While i was in counseling i realise i have an inner child and that im struggling to have any empathy for her.

Since i finished the counseling I realise that I have parts of me. There's only 2 so far but the past few days there is a new one that has made her presence known.

The thing is, everytime i think about her my heart sinks because i have a horrible feeling it's something to do with sexual abuse. I was emotionally neglected by my family but i dont recall any sexual trauma and up until this point i was always certain that i never had anything sexual happen to me as a child. But eversince this part has came, i have an awful/ weird feeling that something happened. Could it be that this part is lying to me? She hasn't said what it was.

There was one incident that happened which feels embarrassing to say because I wouldn't class it as sexual abuse. I think i was about 13 when it happened. It happened when I was on holiday and I was sitting on a step outside of my hotel. A man in his 20s came up to me and did this weird thing where he sexually gyrated infront of me. His crotch wasn't far from my face and it was at the same height as my face. I got upset straight away because I hated it and felt humiliated. It probably isn't a big deal but this memory has came back after so many years. Could it be this, that the part is thinking about?

I feel im now getting into the deeper spiritual side of things. I've done some good work with my protector parts and I've become very aware of this sense of 'I'. This person I think I am. All of my worries and problems revolve around this idea I have of myself. This person I believe myself to be.

I'm beginning to see how flimsy my identity actually is. It is as though my whole identity revolves around a thought that I am a person with a name, interests, worries etc. This identity is the root cause of all the mental issues I've struggled with.

I see it's not who I really am. Is this just another part? It seems like it's always there with it's non-stop commentary.

I guess I'm abit worried about what would happen if I didn't have this voice in my head? Who would I be? I've heard some people say they fell into a void and completely lost their sense of self at this stage. This sounds quite scary so I'm apprehensive.

I understand this is now getting into some deep spiritual ideas. I do already access and familiar with Self. But this feels like a deeper stage. Anyone advise?

Thanks

I grew up in a fundamentalist high control religious community, so naturally I people pleased my way through my childhood.

A little bit ago in therapy (I don’t even remember exactly what we were working on) but we must have worked on something because I have just felt completely unmotivated to connect with people at all. Everyone feels taxing. I just keep to myself and I think I’ve always been a little un-curious about others and reluctant to get to know them, but I think I hid it with a bright bubbly personality.

But now I just feel depressed. I feel the way I did all those years under that cheery personality, this miserable, out of place, can’t seem to find my community kid. I feel stuck, like my people are out there but no where near me. Even connections I know I have just feel distant and unfulfilling. I’m also feeling really tired of trying to find a romantic connection, and I’ve been trying to find a home to call my own, and it just feels like it’s going nowhere, so I think I feel like my future feels stagnant and like I can’t move forward.

I don’t really know what to make of all this. I just feel down.

I'm not very sure on how to start this, so I'm just going to talk about the story right away.

I was pretty blended with another part, a social manager, who seemed on edge. When I asked him about it, he said he felt some parts we haven't talked to before nearby.
Being pretty intrigued about this, I remembered the last time I was with my therapist, she mentioned using the IFS buddy chat bot (https://www.ifsbuddy.chat/dashboard#) if I was feeling curious about it. So I tried it and it honestly worked really well.

It started off by getting me to try and connect with the part the social manager felt, but I was blocked by a caretaker part I wasn't previously aware of.
After a lot of talking with this part using the chat bot, we came to the conclusion that she feels like she needs to take care of the exiles even though it really stresses her out. Between me & the social manager, we convinced her to let us see the exile.

We were very clear that we wouldn't necessarily talk to them and that the caretaker could hide them at any time, if they felt like things wouldn't go well. Small steps, right?

At this point, I started getting clearer imagery in my head. The exile we were shown was floating in an oblong glass tank filled with water.
The chat bot directed us with questions to ask related to what thoughts the exile was carrying. I'm not super keen on going into detail, but the thoughts were related to never feeling like he was enough and thoughts and feelings being invalidated. At this point we were also crying - which, y'know, understandable.

It really makes sense to me why this particular exile came to light, considering the fact that days earlier I'd tried bringing up my problems with school (+ depression, GAD & ASD - all diagnosed) to my dad and his response was essentially, "Have you tried.... being happy?"

The chat bot followed up these questions with asking what the part needs to feel acknowledged and he said that he wanted to be loved and supported. A few more minutes of this and I grew more comfortable around the exile, so I moved forward and put my hands on the tank.

The chatbot asked, "It sounds like this part is ready for some change. Can you ask him if he would like to let go of some of the negative feelings he's been carrying, perhaps by imagining a way to release them into something like water or fire?
He answered that he would like to give them to water. The tank started to crack until the water all gushed out and he tiredly lay on the ground.

He still wanted to give those feelings to water, and he started coughing, with water spilling out of his lungs like a metaphor of sorts about negativity spilling out from you and disappearing. The glass from the broken tank disappeared too.

I went and hugged him. I think the caretaker part was really proud too. The social manager had long since disappeared (no idea why he left, and I don't feel like asking him about it right now. Knowing him he just got bored).

The part I unburdened is doing better now. He's scared of some of the other parts, but the caretaker said she would take care of him.

One of them makes a blend that is very very angry while another one makes a blend who is extremely sad. Both are made of two parts. The feelings of each part making the blend combine into one while. I literally can't have these two parts combos active at once or else they'll accidentally blend.

i’m new to ifs and i’m thinking of mapping out the exile parts but im not sure how to actually do it.

I am just staring with IFS, watched most of what is there on YouTube from Richard Schwartz already and tried some of the meditation. I know I have some Exiles that get triggered once in a while and Firefighters that jump in to solve the flare.

My problem is that I don't know how to communicate with them or other Parts - in meditation I don't hear, see or really feel anything much. Maybe I can notice some tension in the body if I focus hard, but that's all there is.

What the exercises or approaches I can take to learn communication better?

It is easy for me to look at the ways my mother has failed me, or was not attuned to me and lead to emotional neglect. My inner critic is eager to digest these things.

But my little ones get terrified if I try and think about what she's done for me - namely, financially. She absolutely took a big hit to help house me for the last 4 years, as much as I was covering a portion. She literally bought a condo in my city to help me escape an abusive relationship, and sold it at a loss, since I was resistent to relocating to a new city.

I am disabled, I couldn't work to put the roof over my head. I am finally not relying on her for my roof, my partner and I are able to cover it between their work and my disability payments. I had a confrontation with my mother about her criticizing my spending that resolved alright, but I find myself wanting to maintain emotionally distance. Not all of my parts love her, and it's hard to say how much of the "love" I feel is just the people-pleasing attachment that kept me alive as a child.

But I feel ungrateful, for the financial burden I've been, and for wanting to be low-contact. As much as I know she is doing fine financially, she's been living with her BF rent-free for a long while.

It's a big tangle. I am not sure how to digest the situation healthily.

Any advice is welcome!

Hi, I’m extremely new to IFS and I’m wondering if this type of therapy could bring up a past trauma that I’ve buried so deep I’m not even sure if it happened or not.

My every day life and memory has a huge block in front of it and I’m terrified to start IFS and fail. I’m also terrified that I might find out about something bigger that happened in my childhood. I wish I could go into more detail about this but I don’t know how to explain it.

Hi all,

Anyone here do IFS parts work via writing down the dialogue between yourself and parts?

I find I get quite easily overwhelmed and end sessions early when doing sessions just in my head. And am curious about trying some journalling approaches to ifs instead.

Anyone do this and/ or have any advice on this? ❤️

Would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance 🎉

I'm curious if anyone has tried this. My therapist offers IFS, EMDR, and Lifespan Integration. We decided EMDR is not the best way to start right now, but she told me about Lifespan Integration and I'm interested in it. It also sounds a little scary because thinking about my life as a whole/history as a whole is overwhelming to me. However, she said that we'd focus more on sense memories at different stages of my life. I think my system has a lot of parts that are very polarized and/or shut down and I run a lot on shame/self-criticism, so I'm curious if this could help calm down some of the shame aspects and maybe create more connection with Self-energy. I have done neurofeedback in the past as well as lots of loving kindness meditation and at one point when I had done both of these over several years, much of my shame dissipated and I felt more confident/relaxed than ever before in my life . . . then the pandemic hit and I went through a series of new traumas. I told my therapist I wanted to learn/research more about Lifespan Integration, and I'm curious if anyone here has done it with a therapist. Thanks!

can a child, or does a child have the capability, to get angry and feel anger towards someone? and particularly, their caregivers?

since anger is an aggressive, big emotion that indicates fight (rather than flight). is a child capable of feeling angry, being in fight?

i don't wanna say too much of the backstory. exile child says he/she/they're angry, and does want to get angry (express it outwardly) at our caregivers. this is the primary emotion in this situation. the secondary one being i guess..one that makes them/me cry? the crying wouldn't stop, to the point it felt tiring and endless, and the emotion wasn't resolved yet. i discovered later that the reason is that there's unexpressed anger.

and the exile is telling our other protectors to let them express this anger, instead of them doing it for it. but when given the decision, and the "mic", they also said they don't know how to get angry. so im asking, is it possible?

were there other children who were able to get angry when they're that young?

Is there a risk of actually “worsening” the symptoms of an individual with this disorder? Would love to gain insight! Thanks all in advance!

I have a lot of financial trauma from my upbringing (dad who gambled and used me as a scapegoat). The trauma launched me into survival mode where I felt like I needed a high paying job, which then led me to work aggressively fast to pay off my student loans so now I have no more student loans and no credit card debt. But now I feel an urgency to buy the things “cool” people have since I never bought these things due to not being able to afford it. How do I talk to the part of me that feels this “urgency” and get her to slow down? And also handle the other part of me that feels like no matter what I change, I’ll always have the part of me that feels like no matter what i change as to how I look, I’ll always be an outsider looking in (both in terms of friends and family?

Has anyone used IFS to tackle successfully shame and guilt? I worked on shame in the past, but feel that I'm still often paralysed by shame and it's my obstacle to achieve my goals. I'm new to IFS and curious whether this framework is good to tackle this particular challenge.

I don’t want to call it a part because it hates when I psychologize it. It’s very deep, dark and dense and isn’t really new, the newness is that it’s been coming to consciousness more readily. It’s almost as if over the past few years I have been breaking up the density with IFS work and have began to rouse it out of dormancy.

It wants to be raw without some dynamic that controls that rawness (obviously that would be a contradiction) but that rawness cannot be expressed. I have dealt with self harm in the past (haven’t engaged in over 2 years, though I think of it nearly daily) and certainly don’t want to go that route again.

How do you work with an energy that doesn’t (understandably) want to be controlled by Self? Am I really in Self when dealing with it or have I just been in a part that plays self well? Has anyone here skilfully handled a situation like this?

I've been having a lot of trouble accessing my emotions. I'm a very logical thinker, but there's a block when it comes to actually feeling things. I've always been a sensitive person, so I don't know where the blockage is coming from.

I've heard that certain medications (I'm on Cymbalta) can create emotional blunting and make it more challenging to practice IFS and EMDR. I've been taking Cymbalta for years, and it's great because it keeps my mood level, but it is also a hindrance because it can make therapy challenging.

Has anyone ever had a similar experience or any suggestions that might help me overcome the issue?