I am thinking about returning to therapy after 2 years but the thought of doing therapy again also makes me anxious. I not sure how to deal with this.

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I have a history of severe emotional abuse centered around control and investigation by my deceased mother. I'm a middle-aged man now, and it has ruined thing after thing in my life.

Last year, I finally found my way into trauma-specific talk therapy and made rapid progress. However, my life as I have stumbled into it over the last almost 40 years is chaotic and my financial situation is not good. After having to request a significant rate reduction and missing a few appointments (with timely cancellation), my therapist started flaking on me, and eventually I gave up on trying to set something up. I am not currently in active treatment for my CPTSD.

My triggers center around women I love. There are others, but it is far and away the worst with women. When I am triggered, I usually become enraged and either shut down or freak out. I am much better than I used to be, but I start investigating and accusing and mind-reading (you know, making up the worst case and trying to get them to convince me it's not true). The shutdowns usually just feel like a delay.

I am in the process of ruining yet another relationship with a woman I love. She understandably has withdrawn more and more, which makes the episodes worse and worse. I feel trapped. I do not want to lose this woman. I love this woman. It's not fair to her that I act like this.

I have the beginnings of a handle on things. I understand them pretty well, I think, but when I am in a dissociative rage, it doesn't help much.

What do I do?

EDIT: typos

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I have been working on CPTSD recovery for the past 1.5 years or so, and have made progress. A few weeks ago I had a different traumatic event happen to me, and I feel like I've been thrown back into square one with no way out. My chronic insomnia is back, my food addiction creeps back, I can't control my emotions, and I am in hypervigilant survival mode.

The lack of sleep, the chronic stress, and the bad eating habits add to a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion and depression, but I don't see a way out. Would appreciate advice.

Am I the dumb one?

Am I the dumb one wanting to go back to school and become a trauma therapist?

In February I found out I have depression and anxiety. In May I found out I have CPTSD and OSDD unofficially (I am currently working on getting a psych eval). Four months ago, I started to get into intense therapy, read and research everything I could know about trauma and dissociation. The more I learned and dived deeper, the more I realized my State doesn’t have enough therapists to address complex trauma and dissociation.

I know that because I was having a hard time finding the right person with the right knowledge and expertise to help me in my healing process. Because of this, it sparked a passion in me to get a graduate certificate (about 6-9 additional classes) so I can become a licensed therapist where I live. See, I already have an MA in Psychology so I would just need some additional classes and hours.

Back to the question above: I ask this because it seems some of my coworkers feel like this isn’t a good endeavor to take right now. To some extent I understand their concern but I know I can do it. I know I can juggle working full-time and being a present mom to my 2yo and 4yo while going back to school. I strongly believe this because I have a passion in my heart to help as many individuals who have been touched by complex trauma and dissociation in my State, including me personally and professionally in my work (I am a School-Based Behavioral Health Specialist). I am doing this for me and doing this for everyone else who don’t know they have trauma or dissociation. I just don’t want anyone to wait til their 36 (my age) to figure out they have complex trauma and dissociation.

So yeah, am I the dumb one wanting to do this? I was so confident to do this at first, but the more I open up to my co-workers about it the more doubt I have.

Am I the dumb one?

TW: suicidality, psychosis, crisis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I had another crisis sometime last month. Something broke.. something really big this time. I don't know what happening to me, to be honest.

Don't worry, I won't describe what I'm experiencing. Just that it was bad enough for me to finally cave and try medication, after years of refusal for various reasons.

The psych was empathetic, suggested a mood stabilizer since I didn't want SSRI.

What I'll say is that I can finally sleep. I sleep through the night (first time in 15 years). There are some other changes that might be desirable.

Mainly, I'm not so afraid to do what I want or not do what I don't want. I'm not AS jumpy, but still jump.

It's a very low dose.

But, the exhaustion.. the depressing thoughts? I still get flash backs. My body still feels them. And I am now unable to connect with ANYONE. Not even with my dog.

I'm still deeply sad. The psych was so hopeful and certain this would help me. And I guess it has? But I let myself hope that I would be okay .

So I'm frustrated and defeated. I hate that I have to take any medication at all! And the fucking shit isn't even working that well! I just feel like a yappy dog that got put in a locked room so people don't have to hear me that bad... but I'm still yapping.

But I'm still holding out hope. It has been useful. The sleep is a God send.. and I don't feel completely "alien" to myself. I've only just started it over a week ago.

God.. I'm just so so sad right now. Why? Why do I have to hurt like this?

I have been no contact with my mother, step-dad and bio dad for the last couple of years. Mainly because the more I nerd out reading about complex trauma, and do EMDR and IFS therapy, the more I remember and the more mad I get. I am down right infuriated because these adults and all other adults who were in my life, didn’t know how to help me, and didn’t notice the red flags of the shit I dealt with growing up.

FYI: my ACE score is a 9, my dissociation is a score 73….fun times

Done with venting

Anyways, despite my no contact with practically everyone I considered “family,” I still have been in contact with my half-sister. I practically took care of her growing up and she refers to me as her “mom.” Now, she is getting married in February and she really wants me to be there. I want to but, I dunno if I can handle being there with my mother and step-dad being there.

Anyone has gone thru similar situations? If so, what did you do?

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I’m so alone…. I have no one and nothing. I feel so lost and empty. I can’t stop crying tonight. Im tired of having no one to turn to, no one to care, no one to give a second glance at me. I’m just waiting for it to be late enough for me to go to bed so I can be done with today

A little bit of emotional support but also welcome advice.

Im 30F with CPTSD, I feel like the biggest thing I struggle with still is trusting myself when it comes to making important decisions in my life or trusting that I know what’s best for me.

I’m constantly trying to mitigate and manage others emotions before considering my own. I feel stuck in the frozen state so often because of this and often stay longer in situations that I don’t feel are right for me. (Job environments, relationships, friendships etc… I won’t get in the specifics right now but you get the idea and maybe relate)

I feel sad and stupid typing that out. It’s like I don’t trust my own experiences and feel like I’ve lost an internal compass. I want to feel like I’m in charge of my life. I feel like I’m stuck in the “life is happening to me” mindset instead of feeling like I’m at the wheel.

Have you ever experienced something like this? What helped you change or start to work against this mindset?

Thank you in advance if you share your thoughts or if you read this. Deeply appreciate it

I'll try to be to the point and not make this too long. Sorry in advance if this is all over the place or I share unnecessary information that is not needed or maybe irrelevant, but I just want to make it clear where I am at and what I'm going through.

I got kicked out of my mom's house earlier this year, was homeless for awhile, living in my car, and I have been living with my cousin for the past couple of months.

I'm seeing two different therapist. One is just a regular talk therapist. I really like her, but she's not a trauma therapist so I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

The other is a trauma therapist and we focus on somatic experiencing, but there isn't much talking about the trauma. It's mostly just feeling my body. I started seeing him last summer, but stopped going because I didn't really understand somatics and felt like I was wasting my time. He's also $150 a session and I'm only able to go every other week. I do Uber and am very hypervigilant and don't get to work as often as I should so I can hardly afford it.

I had about 4 sessions with him and then stopped going. I recently reached back out to him, because I stuck with the SE and realized that I need a trauma therapist to help me heal through this. I've had one session since I started going back, but I know I'm not going to be able to afford this long term, so I started looking for a trauma therapist that takes insurance.

I want to add that this session was great. I was very anxious and keyed up at the beginning of my session, but after working with him and doing some moving and breathing, I felt much better when I left.

I found this new trauma therapist and I'm not sure if I like him or not yet as it usually takes me a couple of sessions to feel them out and see if they are a right fit for me.

So that's kind of where I'm at in my healing journey.

I'm still very hypervigilant around people, very insecure, and dissociative.

My cousin is in a NA group and she's been trying to get me out and around her friends more. So far I've gone to 3 concerts with her and I really enjoy being included, but I just feel so lonely when I'm around them. I feel like an outcast.

I have struggled with drug abuse in the past, but not so much drug addiction. I have been addicted to opiates in the past, but I've gotten sober all on my own and never needed rehab or anything like that. My problem is trauma and not so much drugs. That's not to say these people don't have trauma, but it doesn't feel the same if that makes sense.

I have major abandonment issues and if I'm not engaging with someone one on one I feel extremely left out and like a fly on the wall when everyone else is engaging and having a good time.

There are a couple of guys I feel drawn to because we enjoy the same taste in music, and I like their energy but it's not much deeper than that. These are people I feel like I could develop a friendship with though if I could just get past the initial acquaintance stage.

I was invited to go to a camping trip with them and I accepted the invitation because I love camping and being in nature. Plus I'm really trying my hardest to start connecting with people again after about 5 years of social isolation.

The people I used to hang out before I distanced myself never gave a shit about me. They used to take advantage of me and use me. These are the people I used to get high with and commit other crimes with. The whole time I was just trying to fit in.

So I'm I'm out here with my cousin and her friends and while it feels great to be around people, I still feel so rejected and outcasted even though theyve pretty much included me the whole time.

I'm socially overwhelmed. I couldn't sleep last night and we were supposed to go see the sun rise at the lookout but I ended up sleeping in by accident. I'm in my own tent and they tried to wake me up to go but I didn't hear them because I had my ear plugs in and I was knocked out.

When I woke up and realized they went without me, I became very upset and felt abandon at the camp site all alone. I know this wasn't their fault and they did try but a part of me was so triggered and I've felt bad since I woke up about it. I don't want to come across as a sensitive baby or an asshole but I just feel really bad right now and have the whole day. I feel like they can sense something is off about me but I don't know how or if I even should open up and tell anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want to offend anyone and don't know if they would understand.

I've been in a state of dissociation all day but also very clingy. I've been following the guy that I feel most connected to around but I feel like I'm annoying him and really everyone.

I tagged along to a get together tonight and ended up walking back to the camp site because there was just way too much going on around me and inside me emotionally. I'm back in my tent and I don't want to be stand offish but I have no idea what to do. I want to be alone but I want to be apart of everything at the same time. Idk what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated. I know I'm probably overreacting but my anxiety and hypervigilance is on 10 and I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm going through I feel so torn right now and its hard for me to identify exactly what I'm feeling but there is pain and tension in my shoulders, feet, shins, calf muscles, glutes and back.

Can someone please offer me some advice? Sorry for making this so long and I know I said I'd try to make it short but I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings.

So basically what is in the title. I am coming more and more to the realization that i sometimes project my emotions onto other people when i am not able to deal with issues/feel helpless. (Not sure if there is a better way to put this.) Eg i was in a math prep course at university. In the beginning i got along pretty well but as it became more difficult i noticed myself blaming this on the tutor for not explaining it well enough and i became pretty angry at him. Regardless of wether he was a good teacher or not, i didnt think of putting in effort and trying to teach myself by looking for other sources, i just resignated and blamed him for it. A bit like i did with my parents, when they didnt care to look after me i gave up on it too. I know this behaviour is dysfunctional and not only hurts me but it also shames me to think of how i put other people in a position in which i feel i am out of proportion demanding. Has anyone in here dealt with similar coping strategies? How did you unlearn it/taught yourself to find better strategies?

That's it. I might change my mind but I think that's all I want to say.

The specific backstory aside I just felt love this was the best group to post this where people might understand and get the magnitude without needing to know how that happened. (I am in the US South, so it's not that I'm from a region where this is remotely normal.)

I don't even know how much I'll be using it, as I'm nervous and not the best driver and do live in a city and have my life worked out without the need, but I did it. I started my own adult education for something "normal" they stopped me from doing, and it wasn't as easy for me as it sounds like it is for most people, and I fucking did it. So fuck you.

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I have an extensive history of alcohol abuse, and I have been sober for the better part of six years. It has been a long and winding road to recovery, but being sober feels normal for me at this point and I don’t typically feel desperate to have a drink these days. My husband will have a few drinks socially every once in a while but he’s not a heavy drinker, so it doesn’t bother me. I’m at a point in my sobriety where I can hang out in places where people are drinking and it doesn’t trigger me to drink. I usually order a virgin Shirley Temple, or a Red Bull, and I’m good. Anyways, last night my husband and I went to a bar for a local event, and we sat right up at the bar itself. I’m honestly pretty comfortable in bar settings like this— even though I’m sober, the atmosphere still feels like home to me. So, my husband orders a beer and I order a Shirley Temple. I’m aware that sometimes people will drink alcoholic Shirley Temples, but for the most part I think everyone assumes it to be a virgin drink (sprite mixed with cherry flavor). I don’t usually specify that I want it made virgin, because most people make it virgin to begin with. That being said, I’m aware that there’s always a slight chance that the bartender might make it alcoholic, so I typically take my first drink cautiously. Usually, it’s non-alcoholic and I’m good to go. Last night, however, I took my first sip. Immediately, I felt the all-too-familiar burn of Vodka. My entire body lit up internally. I knew right off the bat that this drink was Vodka-infused and all my senses were tingling. I had my husband taste-test the drink, but he genuinely couldn’t taste the alcohol and said it was probably fine. Being the alcoholic that I am, I knew it was boozy even if he didn’t think so. I flagged down the bartender and asked her if this drink had alcohol in it— and she immediately looked panicked and confirmed that there was vodka in the drink. I asked her for a virgin drink instead, and she was incredibly apologetic and immediately made me a new drink, and confirmed it had no alcohol. She was super, super cool about it.

When I took that first sip, and I felt everything within me ignite, my first instinct was to down the entire drink and order another. My addict brain was on fire. But, I stayed strong. I didn’t take another sip. I didn’t spiral backwards into a drunken blackout, which I easily could have done. I stayed strong. I stayed sober. I stayed in control. This was an honest mistake and I don’t count it as a slip-up in my recovery. But it did serve as a reminder that the alcohol-addicted part of me still exists, even though it’s easy to stay sober in my day-to-day. I’m proud of myself for the way that I handled this situation. It definitely kept me on my toes.

Quick Introduction :

I am a male from India. I think that I appear to have few childhoot trauma due to several reasons, and hence as it's effect, I have all those negative stuff in me. Overthinking, negative thinking, feeling low [can I call it depression? IDK], and all these stuff which make our life difficult.

I have gone through CBT first, and obviously it didn't help and it kind of made my situation worse. Then I tried few sessions with somatic experience, but it got extremely expensive and I was unable to think whether it is really helping or not [I was confused, mostly it wasn't]. But it is really expensive, and I got few commitments this year financially [got my first car] and mostly it wouldn't be possible to take those therapies now. And hence I am thinking of going with IFS. And I got to know that Mr.Earley's book is phinominal.

Doubts :

I am going through the book and I read about parts, protectors and exiles and the self. I dont have fair clearity about "Self", but thats another topic.

https://preview.redd.it/fa8mz56fuxsd1.png?width=727&format=png&auto=webp&s=2cf3531e4117e25049452421b090d27ea6c027a6

I started reading the chapter number 3 : Taking an Inner Journey : Example of an IFS session from the author's book.

Frankly speaking this chapter kind of trigerred me. This chapter is about example of IFS therapy. Here, a person named "Christine" comes to Jay for IFS therapy. Christine say's a part of her, is confused. And there are conversations, like, Jay asks about what this part tells about that and this, and Christine struggles in the begining but she comes up with some answers. They soon realise that there's another part inside Christine which hates this confused part. etc.

My doubts and reasons for triggering is :

1. How do we get to know about our parts ? Like I really don't know what parts I have. How exactly do we know this? It is seriously so so so confusing that I almost got trigerred that Christiene got her parts but not me. [Well that would make me a person having a part, which is feels insecure when it realises that someone can get it so easily but not you]. But still it is so so confusing. How do I really know what part I have.
2. It again felt like CBT, when Christine could ask her part and her part can give some info. No, I get no response from my part. Where are my parts ? My parts are blank and it is numbing.

IFS still feels like some intellectual work, which wouldn't help me, at this point and that is really demotivating thing for me. But neverthless I am not gonna stop. I will complete reading this book. But actually it is very much blank here. I dont know what parts I have and I can easily be manipulated in fitting a part inside me. I felt CBT is a kind of manipulation which doesn't really help. So is IFS I feel. It is intellectual work and I dont know what parts I have and thats demotivating me and making helpless.

Any inputs you give, I would welcome that and eager to hear from you.

Thanks.

I need advice on how to stand my ground, and how to get myself to stop ducking my head. I’ve been bullied for most of my life l, all throughout school and even now. I’ve always just ignored them or tried to something clever (never works). I’ve noticed I have an innate tendency to not make a scene of it and just ignore it. No matter how much I want to tell them off or lay some sort of boundary I don’t. I’m now coming out of freeze and the last two days I’ve just been overwhelming angry thinking about the next time someone says something. I’m gonna say something next time and I’m going to set firm boundaries. I’m not entirely sure how to do that without just making myself look like an asshole (especially since some of the people are in friend groups with me). The only thing I can think of is to get mad, and tell them they can fuck off. Essentially what I’m asking is two fold. I want advice on how to overcome/turn off my normal reaction of just keeping quiet. I also want advice on how to defend myself effectively while drawing some boundaries. For instance the next time this will likely come up is with a friend group that I play card games with. There will be a point where I’m the butt of the jokes like always. I want to show them they are hurting/bullying me without pissing everyone off. Again all I can think of is various versions of fuck off and quit being a jerk.

hi! i’m reaching out for URGENT help! i don’t know what to do i’m really desperate and in dire need of direction

i’ve been unable to hold a job for the last two years because my depression + anxiety + cptsd have been debilitating, ever since my visit to the ER for my attempt earlier this year, the thought of getting on a phone paralyzes me completely - which is why i havent been able to find a new job since or call someone for help. i know it sounds ridiculous that i can’t even get on the phone to help myself, which is why i am desperate, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. the shame and sadness i feel has made me useless, i feel like my brain is rotting, i can barely do anything even normal things like brushing my teeth have felt like an uphill battle.

i’m drowning in debt and so is my mom, she is old and is showing many signs of dementia and i feel terrible that i can’t take care of her and i feel i’m bringing her down with me. we don’t have any other support. please i want to be able to just have a job and help my mom and live out my 20s normally but there’s something deeply wrong with me i don’t know what to do.

i know things are terrible for most people right now, if anyone has ANY sort of help or advice, i’d really really appreciate it. i don’t know what to do anymore, i spend all day miserable and full of so much shame and pain but can’t seem to do anything to change it or even anything at all.

i really hate begging for things like this but all my bank account is in negative so if anyone is interested in sparing anything, i can send my cashapp/venmo/paypal

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-- I didnt know i was different but its becoming clear more and more how shutdown i have been historically. So in the past, if soneone asked "how are you" i would have said "fine". In reality i was very far from fine but i was very blocked and unaware of my own feelings etc.

Now as i come out of freeze/ emotional shutdown / disassociation etc, i see more and more my prior states.

So recently when i have been out. Some people i am loose friends with i notice are trying to connect with me. They are normal people. I dont want to lie but i feel wary of sharing " i still have no idea but at times i am in panic, shutdown or faking ok as always"....

So that doesnt work but i dont want to lie either

Thoughts appreciated

Hello everyone,

I would like to inform you that Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving has finally been translated into French under the title Le Trouble de stress post-traumatique complexe – De la survie à l’épanouissement : comment se remettre des traumatismes de l’enfance. This is the first time the book is available in French, and it will be released on October 8th, 2024. The book is available for pre-order on the publisher's website (Dangles Éditions) as well as on most French bookshops like Amazon.fr (Amazon France), Fnac, Decitre, and Cultura (to only name a few).

For those living outside of France, you can also purchase the book through Amazon.ca (Canada), Amazon.de (Germany), Amazon.it (Italy), Amazon.es (Spain), and Amazon.com.be (Belgium). Additionally, Amazon's European platforms offer international shipping. The book is priced at €25.

I’d like to clarify that I am not affiliated with Pete Walker, Dangles Éditions, Amazon, or any of the mentioned retailers. There are no affiliate links in this post, and I do not receive any profit or benefit from sharing this information. My sole motivation is to help others, as this book is frequently recommended on this subreddit. I read the English version last year, and I know how valuable this book can be for those dealing with CPTSD. Especially for French speakers who may struggle with English, this translation can make the book’s insights more accessible.

CPTSD is still largely unknown in France, and I hope this post helps French speakers on this subreddit find a resource that could make a difference. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments.

Thank you for your attention, and I hope this helps the community!

Okay so I got my diagnosis this year of Cptsd, Ptsd, Ocd, Anxiety, Depression, Panic Disorder.

I am in mental health crisis since 2018. Since then I have been pursuading therapy and psychiatrist, I mean came across those terms that year. I saw psychiatrist for 3 years but he was unethical. I have been to number of therapists in my city but they weren't good, basically my therapy never started in the first place. I stopped medicines a year ago but right now I again have to get on medications due to crisis.

Now, I had never thought in my life ever that I would have to go to a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have grown up thinking about psychiatry and mental health as someone who is forcefully put into rehabs for their mental illness just like they show in movies or television shows. And this thing has been haunting me since my crisis which also made me reluctant to see psychiatrist in the first place, not to forget that psychiatrist was unethical too. My imagination is super active and I believe due to OCD this particular image or thought comes to my mind again and again.

I have read alot about trauma from social media so quite know what my issues are. Now whenever I think or decide about going to psychiatrist or therapist I get intense fear, panic and the thought that what will they do with me, or they would harm me. But then there is another part of me that says that something will happen to me, my health or life if I don't seek the treatment and both this thought and worry give me intense panic attacks too.

Right now I am thinking about doing a lot of homework or research about what kind of therapist + therapy I need, questions to ask them, signs to look out for in order to not go to the wrong person again as I said earlier my therapy has never began. But doing this homework is going to take a lot of time for me, atleast some months I believe and I am very patient also to do so. But there are again some parts of me that are refraining me from doing this homework, lashing, criticizing, shaming me that why am I taking so much time and efforts into all this and why should I be doing this in the first place ever.

One part says do your research, take your time, go safe and slow. Another is basically lashing out at me for doing this. Another just wants me to head straight to the therapist directly, trust the therapist simply without being overdramatic and start the work. Another is telling me to relax, have patience, go slow and trying to protect me from things getting wrong, basically therapists or mental health professionals hurting me like they have done in the past when I was in the vulnerable state. Another says they is no use in doing all this meaning pursuing therapy, healing, recovery etc because as it is I am going to fail and people in the mental health field are going to hurt me; and maybe this same part says that I should suffer more in order to attain happiness, joy, healing, the best things. And another is very angry at me saying that I am trying to expose it to the therapist or the outside world in order to get rid of it and therefore it will give me more pain and make sure that I fail in everything that am trying to do to seek help.

Lastly, my brain never stops catastrophizing about my life, health, body, literally everything. All this that I wrote about is making me so mad, crazy that I am experiencing a very dark place in my psyche right now.

Please help me I am losing my sanity over this and very scared, afraid, frightened. I already am in the worst state of health and life tbh.

P. S : Be kind and mindful with your comments.

I woke up last night after a weird but uncomfortable dream. I wanted to get it out of my mind, so I messed around on my phone for an hour. Then tried to get another hour of sleep, before spending another 30 minutes on my phone. I was almost an hour late for work. As I’m at work i realize I’m exhausted, and that I haven been so almost every day this week. Thus I’m realizing I’m becoming less functional as time goes on. I’m losing sleep or not sleeping well, and thus am becoming tired more often than usual. My repressed emotions are coming out and I don’t know what to do with them. I’ll be sitting alone either at work or at home and suddenly I’ll be overcome with grief out of nowhere. It’s also fleeting because I can’t keep hold of these emotions. They just slip away as I try to lean into them. My social life is almost nonexistent now (friend group no longer active), so I’m left alone to deal with these feelings that I don’t understand or know what to do with. I get anxious or antsy that doesn’t go away for several days. I no longer feel like I’m being real in public, like I’m just putting on a mask. I’m also getting depressed. It all just feels like I’m falling apart with no chance of fixing myself any time soon. I want nothing more than to do therapy, which isn’t really possible right now. Yet I feel as if I’m desperately holding myself together until I can, and I’m failing more and more as time goes by.

How does everyone cope with going ok, doing the work, then death, retrenchments, life smack you from the side? Internal critic starts shouting you get what you deserve, and the darkness decends. One thing is new, I didn't make this happen and it's out of my control. That is frankly more scary. I have been working very hard on retiring fear and flight 24/7 and I wonder if life wouldn't hit me so hard if I'd stayed wired, exhausted sad and prepped for and expecting the worst. Healing doesn't protect you from crap. I need a theory on how some humans get the good cards dealt.

Grotesque, depressive dreams have filled my rest for over twenty years. Sleeping has become a traumatic experience nearly every night. Prazosin is not available in my country. I'm stuck in a dead end after twenty years of medication and therapy.

What are some good books on chronically low self-esteem, abandonment issues and neglect?

I've read CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Body Keeps The Score

Healing the Shame That Binds You

All have been really good but are not really helping me.

I just started You Are The One You've Been Waiting For and I'm not happy with it as it focuses way too much on couples. I've been single for a very long time and don't see myself getting into a relationship anytime soon or possibly ever.

Also I go see a trauma therapist next month. Any suggestions on what to talk about with this therapist specifically? I went to him a little over a year ago but stopped going because he just kept having me do breathing and somatic exercises which I didn't understand at the time. Now I do somatic exercises regularly and they do help me to calm down in the moment but haven't helped me heal any trauma.

Tl:dr - subject line

I have always had a lot of fear in my system. Never trusted anyone. Always distracting or addicted, avoiding feelings. I was abused and neglected but the worst was in infancy around my mother as her schizophrenia took ahold. I have seen flashes of me in a cot being terrified as she screamed and fought with imaginary things. The madness in her eyes terrified me and she also did things to me.

I know this stuff through flashes as i come back into body via a mix of somatic and it includes some parrts work with my Therapist.

But i am blended with this fear often, and of the newness of coming into body a little bit.

Seeking tips how others gently ooened up through that fear? What helped?

Thank you

--Basically the subject line

I am in the UK but keep watching the drama currently that is US elections

But to be honest if it wasnt that, i woukd find sonething else

I just cant be present and this is another escape

Seeking helpful tips from those who stopped it?

Thx

I was sexually abused and fed drugs as a 13 year old to make me more "compliant", back then I protected my abuser fiercely and he never suffered any repercussions which then led to him offending again and attempting to kidnap two 14 year old girls he's in prison now for two years and idk what to do anymore. I feel it is my fault because I didn't do anything about as a child because I LOVED him. I used to feel so tortured over thinking about him all the time and how he made me feel. I dont love him anymore and he's a sick and disgusting individual.

But is this normal? Like when your coming out of an abusive relationship as a child to protect your abuser because you love them?