Just sharing this YouTube video I'm finding helpful for reminding me that so many (almost all?) of my struggles are actually real, recognised symptoms of this condition:

https://youtu.be/WY05GnsNWQM?si=xim29M0sA5c0BOKo

I find it so easy to shame/blame myself for not being able to function healthily, like it's just my own failing, stupidity, laziness etc... My symptoms have got intensely bad again lately 🥺

I am very slowly coming out of freeze, and in doing so, somethings are revealing to me about how my system became organised defensively, and its quite confusing, so i am seeking views.,.

For context, i have cPTSD, realising now at 42, that its mostly been freeze / collapse but i spent a lot of my life with active fight / flight too, until adult traumas kicked in at age 27. The biggest things that has impacted my system has been preverbal trauma (0 to 3), and quite severe abuse and neglect there.

When i was 27, a very significant trauma also happened, that pushed my system over more fully, i was living on my own, and i was clearly very depressed, but i didnt know it at all, and i didnt feel it. I was in a bad state:

- I would lie in bed watching shows, and only get up, if i was literally about to burst to poop or pee, and sometimes i didnt make it to the toilet. I didnt feel sad, i felt nothing and didnt know that either, maybe occasional frustration but that was rare, i was in autopilot, very little space or awareness of my state.

- my weight ballooned 20kgs and i bought bigger clothes but really had no idea i was getting bigger

- my addictions all got much much worse, but now i see they were like a lid to keep me safe from the world and feeling, and the few remaining now still do that too.,

- i withdrew from society - but also didnt know i was doing so

I guess the crux of what i am seeing is, the behaviour speaks to a depressive period, and from now going inside, i think if it wasnt numbed out, i may not have survived. I am curious though, i had just no awareness of this experience, and it went on for 5-7 years, i could work, and fake it to the world, but i was just so shutdown on my own (that still the case, but my awareness is growing and becoming a bit more embodied)

Seeing how others interpret this

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Guy with multiple issues, from India here. CPTSD freeze, fawn and flight. No Fight at all.

1. About the things that worked :

Finding the thing that worked is as difficult as finding the reason how and why it happened. Hard one. But it is not as unnecessary as finding how and why it happened.

It's physical activity for me. Joined gym and that's the thing that worked for me. I have read somewhere that lifting weights help us to heal. Is it true ? I don't know. But those cardio stuff, those weight lifting exrcecises certainly help, to keep our mood right. You feel shitty, and then you enter the gym and exrcesise, and come out of the gym. There's considerable differences in your mood, before going to gym and after coming out of gym. There certainly is.

2. Abut the things that didn't work :

I can write a book for this. It's CBT that didn't work. CBT doesn't work.

We are weak. Too weak to stand up. We are like magnets for the narcististics. For example, let's say I am a freeze guy. I dont have any direction and I need some direction. I don't have any capability to know which is direction is right or wrong. A guy who is fight and flight has that tendency to give the direction to someone. He wants to make someone work like the way he wants. He says the truth and whatever he says will always be truth. And I need someone who always tells the truth. That guy knows the truth and I should follow it.

We dont have sense of self, do we ? What do we like ? How do we say the right-ness and wrong-ness of things ? No we really dont have sense of self. What we do, highly depends on where we are and what are our surrondings and all we crave for is to be accepted. A person beside you asks you to scream in the wedding ? Just scream without thinking, so that you agree with him , in a way you are accepted by him. You know that a person beside you is someone who doesn't like the religion ? Just discuss few things about atheism and he likes it. We are pure people pleasers and we completely lack the sense of self, I know both of these are different issues. If you have read "A song of ice and fire" novels, we have tons of issues, which Theon Greyjoy also has. Complete lack of sense of self. We really don't know who we are how should we stand. Our standing depends a lot on who are we surrounded with.

3. The things that need to be solved :

Tried Somatic therapy stuff. Yes I did try. But while I came to the final conclusion, whether it is working or not, I couldn't continue it because it is very costly. A session takes almost 2.5K INR which is really costly. I always wanted to try IFS therapy but again, that's costly. It is not that I don't have 2.5K INR. But I am the sole earner of my family and parents are dependent on me. So I am extremely conservative financially. IFS'ly speaking, a part of me doesn't allow me to take this costly therapies.

One of the observation I made with myself is, I just can't connect with people. I can't. I dont put any effort for the connection. For example, when another person sits there I just dont want to speak anything. It is boring. Why do I not play football ? Because I know that I just dont want it. So like that it is. I just can't want any human connections, if truth to be told. It's like, I can't explain it. What is even there to talk with him ? Should I ask boring and useless questions, like, How is coconut rate in his town? What's there to talk ? And hence, I am lonely. I don't have any friends as such in my life. I am in my mid twenties and I am lonely and I never really was in any relationships before as well.

Another observation is, my automatic nervous system is strong that I literally don't have any control on it. I can't smile when I am nervous [I can't fake], and when someone makes a kind of facial expression [like disugusting or like showing their anger on me] I completely give my everything to autonomic nervous system and it rules me. Feels like I don't have any say in it. It is so so so so so so so so strong and I am too weak infront of it.

I belive, I need to focus on getting this nervous system corrected and for that I need to connect with myself. How to do that ?

Do you think yoga would be helpful in addressing all these above issues? "Connection" is a thing that's lacking within me [connecting with oneself and connecting with others].

Any suggrestions are welcomed.

Hello Everyone, I don't know what to write. but I feel really bad. I left home and country 4 years ago, I suffered sever symptoms of C-ptsd because when you just leave, you figure out how much shit you went through. it was really difficult for 2 years, i was so down.

Now after therapy, i feel better but i have this deep sadness. i always feel that I lost my childhood. that it was stolen from me, when people tell stories about their lives, I just can't think of something I can share. I don't have vacation memories, lovely or warm memories. all I have is abuse, darkness, abandonment and many other things. we were isolated, i didn't have any other relatives or anyone outside of our house. I had only few friends from School. I had a curfew. Now as everything became normal, after a lot of fighting and breakdowns. I just cannot imagine how i was living back then. How can someone go through all this and endure them? I feel melancholic. I am grateful that I reached this point in life, that I am able to let my guards down in my own home, that I have some place where I can say this is my home but it is so hard to live with all what happened.

I have two main triggers for a severe and rapid anxiety response: self criticism, and experiencing my emotions. I have just re-engaged with therapy due to an increase in anxiety and have realised that I stopped noticing how much I criticise myself. I have a strong feeling that slowing myself down in some way would help me notice and reduce the self criticism but I'm not entirely sure what I mean by slowing down. Does this resonate with anyone - can you offer any insight in what slowing down might look like (both generally and in a therapy setting)?

If it helps I am experiencing a lot of grief and anger regarding childhood abuse and neglect and it has taken a long time to be able to experience the anger in particular.

I’m talking to a therapist for the first time tomorrow. I’m completely new to therapy, and would like advice on any questions to ask or what should I look for.

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Context: I tend to intellectualise a lot and have been having problem accessing my emptions, especially emotions around my trauma. What I mean is that the moment I feel like I am getting near re-feeling things from the past, I go into an automatic spiral of dissociation, flashbacks, anxiety and depression. I haven't really had a breakthrough with confronting my feelings in therapy. I've had therapists who stayed with me on a purely cognitive level and I've had therapists who guided me through bodily sensations and releasing tensions in my body. Recently, I tried to self-explore and use psylocibin and weed to purposefully focus on difficult emotions. I've had some good breakthroughs. I could experience self-love and acceptance in a way that I hadn't before. I also revisited memories from my childhood and re-experienced the feelings, which was kind of useful because it helped me connect specific feelings to specific episodes (before, it was all a huge lump of paralysing pain). I could also trace the ways in which I had sealed off my emotions several times because they were too big to process at that time. So, I thought it was helpful but I also spiraled into the same pattern. I don't know if it is related to be honest. The last time I explored feelings and episodes from the past it was really painful and also confusing because it kind of felt like each time I sealed off the narrative of my whole life changed so it was hard to construct a coherent narrative of what was happening around me. I guess this chaos is also part the reasons for the trauma. Or maybe I spiraled just because there is a lot of stress in my life and the winter holidays are approaching and I can't make plans for anything.

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has had experience with finally being able to revisit the feelings from childhood and whether you can share if you found it useful for recovery, as well as some tips for making it safe (to the extent possible).

Tw: emotional abuse and physical abuse

My partner (I'm nearly 29 and he is 27) has recently been referring to the abuse my mother inflicted as both emotional and physical abuse. I have always just said emotional and verbal abuse.

He is referring to her as denying me medical care as physical abuse. To cut a long story short - when I was 16 I fell out of bed and got an embroidery needle stuck in my hand. I didn't know there was a needle (as it was fully embedded) and assumed the way I fell out of bed had broken/sprained something. I was in a lot of pain and couldn't move my wrist.

She sent me off to my day job (I was working at a summer camp for disabled kids) and a day later when she returned from work said "Oh, she's still whining. I'll take you to A&E so you shut up."

7/8 hours later of wait time in A&E and the doctor showed us an X-ray and you could see the needle.

There's been several times in my childhood where she would not take me to a doctor even when I was hurting.

Would you refer to that as physical abuse? I have always seen it as neglect.

So last night I was freaking out, I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated everything about everything especially my emotions. Anyway I texted my sister and she texted with me for a bit. She’s going to help me search for a therapist. I asked her how I can find relief for the short term. A therapist will help in the long run, but how do I find relief to calm me down enough to get through work or nights like last night. She said weed (but carefully). Well that’s not an option for me. It’s not something I ever want to do and I’d lose my job if I did. I need something that isn’t drugs or alcohol, but can still get me through when I’m stuck in my mind. I hate going to work these days because I’m miserable, and I have nights where it’s just agonizing emotional pain all by my lonesome.

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I just walked in a few minutes ago. I usually visit only a few times a year, but this time I’m visiting two weekends in a row (last weekend and this weekend). I usually love being with my family, but this time….. i feel off…. I feel like I don’t belong, like I’m wrong, like every minute is pure awkwardness for just me. I was fine for the 6 hour car ride over but the minute I pulled up i hated it. I feel like some dumb kid, who doesn’t have his life together, is some embarrassing mess, and doesn’t belong here. I don’t know why suddenly I feel this way compared to previous times, but I hate this. I normally am relaxed and at peace at my parents so this feeling is particularly jarring.

To start off the week my grandmother entered hospice care. I cried when I found out, I cried in front of a few friends at church (a huge deal for me) before quickly shutting my emotional display down. I cried at work, left work early and drove 6 hours to go visit her for the weekend. I stayed at my parents with 4 of my siblings. I got to visit her several times throughout the weekend. I cried a bit on the drive there. It was great seeing her and we talked a bit. She wasn’t active but was still mentally sharp if a bit slow and out of it. The emotional toll of seeing her for the last time never hit me. I was feeling down but that’s about it. Unexpectedly I was greatly distressed by being around my family. For context I normally love being around my family. I love visiting my parents and love it when all my siblings come to visit (it only happens once or twice a year). This time was different. While I was happy to see them, I felt awful. I felt like I didn’t fit, like I was invincible and the odd one out. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this but this was way more extreme. I was on the verge of tears inside for a good bit of the trip. I had lunch with my brother and his wife and had to cry in the bathroom of the restaurant. A couple of times actually hid in another room and cried. I felt like I was broken, like I was dysfunctional, the only one of my family to not have their stuff together. I felt so alone and outcast even though they didn’t do anything to me. The only thing that actively attributed to it was that I couldn’t fit into conversations. I try to talk to them (something I’m usually good at), but I can only hold their attention for a few seconds before the attention of the conversation shifts somewhere else. Sometimes it happens when I’m mid sentence (there’s usually a lot going on). For most of it I sat silent and just sat depressed without being actively involved in the conversation. My Mom noticed that I was upset and asked me about it. I told her I felt invincible but I couldn’t drop my nerves enough to talk about it in detail. I cried for a good portion of the ride home. I screamed, I hit my steering wheel, I gripped the steering wheel with a death grip. I was angry, sad, and at times in despair, all over being around my family and those feelings, not my grandmother dying. The day after I got home I went to work and was numb all day. I didn’t really feel anything but down and a depressed. I felt more down than normal, more like nothing would fix it. I think I lost a bit of hope over the weekend. I got a call late that day with the news my grandmother passed. I almost cried, and felt more down, but even now a full day later I still don’t really feel it. I’m just numb, like those emotions that should be here are locked or not available. I don’t like this feeling. I thought this death would mess me up this time because this is the first death I’ve had to deal with since I’ve started healing. I’ve been a mess for months as I begin barely to unbox my repressed emotions. I am scared of how all that will mix with my grieving my grandmother. This numbness isn’t boding well for that.

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Was talking to my psychiatrist today and she said that I was a difficult case to treat because of my severe CPTSD. Several medications have been used to try and treat my symptoms and none of them are working. She had me on an antipsychotic and it briefly worked, but the side effects were too much. Because of this, she's referring me to see a neuropsychologist.

She's worried that my CPTSD is causing physical issues with my brain and wants to see the damage that's happened. In the last five years, I've developed and gotten worsening OCD tendencies, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety, mood swings, etc. When I was little I had a tic that would happen maybe once every few months, and now it's happening nearly every day. (They aren't suspecting a schizoaffective disorder, because they are small versions of the bigger issue. I.e. it isn't full blown OCD, it's just tendencies. It isn't constant hallucinations, it's just when I'm stressed, etc.)

And this is all on top of the typical CPTSD symptoms.

I'm just. Tired. And with everything post-election, I have to just sit here and dissociate because if I start crying I won't be able to stop crying and I'll have a panic attack. I can't regulate my emotions or stress levels anymore, so I'm just. Here.

I'm worried that they're going to want me to go into long-term treatment. I've been told by multiple professionals (some when I was hospitalized and some therapists I've seen and now my psych) that I might want to consider going into long term care or getting a more severe treatment. (My psych suggested ketamine treatment 😭) Like, if I need long term treatment, I guess I should, but I don't have anyone to take care of things or my dog for me while I'm gone.

I'm just. Tired and stressed and not sure what to do.

I’m going to be honest. After several years of trying seemingly everything (yes, before you suggest that book/modality/app/medication/breathing technique…even that) and still falling into depressive collapse when faced with a stubbornly nonexistent support system, I’ve just started….lashing out. A lot. Like being deeply honest about how disappointed I am to have these people in my life and how little I believe them when they say they love me.

Because, well….I don’t believe them. I have this pesky thing called a working memory and it does the damndest thing: STORES MEMORIES.

Crazy right? I agree.

So due to this completely insane mutation in my brain, I actually keep track of whether or not a persons words….get this…..line up with their BEHAVIOR!

I know, it’s a lot to comprehend, trust me I’m almost done.

So when a person’s proclamation of love, care, compassion or support isn’t in alignment with their behavior over time. I then say “Hey, stop saying that. I don’t believe you and the more you say it, the less I want to.”

Thems fighting words. And I frankly prefer the conflict over the pretense. But the conflict never leads to resolution or reconciliation.

Some of my lashing out is in response to loneliness due to job related injuries that have compromised my health and mobility. Ppl just kinda moved on when I didn’t socially keep up. Oh well.

But also I’m lashing out more indiscriminately, friends and acquaintances also catch shrapnel from my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I try to reach out, those attempts fall on deaf ears, I spend too much time alone with unprocessed stuff in my head, and then it gets too overwhelming to talk about because there’s no consistency on their end to ease the flow of communication.

So what’s the point in all this? To push everyone away and be an isolated person with fledgling boundaries?

I can’t accurately describe the way I feel. I don’t know if that’s because of disassociation, not knowing the right words, or perhaps I don’t even know how I feel. This is how I feel. This is the what rages inside of me. This is the feeling that tormented me as a kid. When I was alone hiding in the bathroom or behind the trash cans this was me. When I would hide my tears from everyone and didn’t know why this was me. When I was bullied and ostracized this was me. When I felt so alone and angry that I punched a hole in the door of my bathroom this was me. When I punched my windshield, this was me. Everytime I punch my steering wheel this is me. This is still me. I can’t get it to come out anymore, but this feeling is still me. Ever since I realized I’ve repressed my emotions this has disappeared from view. Yet it’s still in me. I can’t call on this feeling anymore, I can’t rage, like I used to. I can’t feel it like I used to. Yet it’s still in there. This is what I feel inside every day. It hurts, I hate how much I relate to this picture. I also miss it. I miss being able to fall apart, to be overwhelmed by my emotions. This is me inside even when I’m shut down and showing a stoic front. This is what I come home to everyday. This is why I’m so miserable.

Ever since i discovered I was emotionally repressed, I haven’t been able to be fully myself in front of people. I’m falling apart on the inside, and the pain is getting worse and worse as time goes on. Yet when I talk about anything remotely close to my emotions with anyone, I turn into a stoic robot who barely talks. When I am feeling torn up inside in public, I hide it ferociously. I struggle immensely to hide how I feel in front of people, I can’t help myself. Even with people I trust and talk to about how I’m doing I can’t really open up fully to them. I’ve talked with a few people about how I’m doing, I tell them I’m lonely and depressed. Yet I can’t tell them I’m in so much pain, or that I spent most of last night crying my eyes out, because I felt alone, or that I feel as if I’m drowning. I just tell them I’m not doing well. It’s not that I don’t want to or don’t trust them, I just am not able to talk about it. I desperately want nothing more than to just break down and cry into someone’s shoulders, to the point that even the thought of doing so brings me tears. Yet I see no one that I could even begin to do that with. Even though I trust many of these people (consciously) my subconscious won’t let me open up to them. I need to learn how to open up again, I’m drowning and I need relief.

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trigger warning: mentions of childhood sexual trauma and abuse.

not seeking medical or mental help. just venting

I'm 28 f. Had a hard life growing up. Was living in poverty. Two neglectful parents. Was raped by my sibling and multiple men as a child from 2 to 8. Feel incredibly unlovable.

Managed to get through college homeless. Got a job. Got a house. Paid off car. Got married.

NOW my body decides that we need to deconstruct and feel the pain of my past.

I cannot sleep. My thyroid is fine. My heart is fine. My fifty dozen tests came back normal. Echo. 3 thyroid panels. Metabolic blood tests. stress test. table tilt test. pvc's are less than 1% burden. still feel occasional bouts of cardiophobia.

All my husband sees is me crying. All I do is cry. I've been through 4 therapists. None have any idea how to help me. I can't concentrate anymore. I get 3 hours to no hours of sleep every night. I've tried exercising. I've tried not exercising.

1 10mg of lexapro gave me serotonin syndrome. I was prescribed venalfaxine. I'm scared of serotonin syndrome. I'm scared of venlafaxine.

I've tried exercising. not exercising. healthy diet. laying down at night anyway. having hobbies. meditating. reading. getting up to stretch. laying down and trying to feel calm. I've tried it all.

nothing is working. I don't feel safe in my own skin. every sensation scares me and I'm just not ok. Haven't been ok since November last year. all I do is break down. there's no emdr therapy around me. every time I try to work through feeling my emotions i just feel so much worse. my husband has no idea how to help me. I feel so useless and unlovable and miserable. being physically comforted, as much as I want it, makes me dissociate and I get full body tremors. I just want a hug and to be told it's gonna be ok. my own body won't let me have that.

took a benadryl and aspirin last night due to God awful neck and shoulder pain. pain went away but I felt restless and tingly. So once again, no sleep. multiple nights in a row I'll get 3 to 6 hours of sleep. I feel horrible and nothing works to help me sleep. hydroxyzine makes me feel scared. benzos work but they're addictive so I don't get them. I also know they have a rebound effect so i just avoid them altogether.

this is honestly just a vent. I feel hopeless. this is my new life. I finally made it in life and my body had something to say about it. I fear and accept that I will never just be ok.

palpitations. loss of appetite. insomnia. excruciating shoulder and neck pain. constant fight or flight. weakness. hypertension. hypotension. constant fast heart rate (on beta blocker), hyperventilation anytime I speak of my past experiences. major brain fog. tremors. lots of crying. fear of death. constant impending sense of doom.

I'm so over it.

I just want to feel happiness. I want to feel comforted. nothing is comforting. I feel alone and scared and in pain and constant fight or flight and anguish and my mind is constantly racing. nothing calms me. I just want to sleep. I can't sleep. my body and nervous system is so dysregulated. it's been a long year. life was hard before. now that I'm living good, it's worse. I hate this. I just want to feel ok. all I do is cry....

I am thinking about returning to therapy after 2 years but the thought of doing therapy again also makes me anxious. I not sure how to deal with this.

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I have a history of severe emotional abuse centered around control and investigation by my deceased mother. I'm a middle-aged man now, and it has ruined thing after thing in my life.

Last year, I finally found my way into trauma-specific talk therapy and made rapid progress. However, my life as I have stumbled into it over the last almost 40 years is chaotic and my financial situation is not good. After having to request a significant rate reduction and missing a few appointments (with timely cancellation), my therapist started flaking on me, and eventually I gave up on trying to set something up. I am not currently in active treatment for my CPTSD.

My triggers center around women I love. There are others, but it is far and away the worst with women. When I am triggered, I usually become enraged and either shut down or freak out. I am much better than I used to be, but I start investigating and accusing and mind-reading (you know, making up the worst case and trying to get them to convince me it's not true). The shutdowns usually just feel like a delay.

I am in the process of ruining yet another relationship with a woman I love. She understandably has withdrawn more and more, which makes the episodes worse and worse. I feel trapped. I do not want to lose this woman. I love this woman. It's not fair to her that I act like this.

I have the beginnings of a handle on things. I understand them pretty well, I think, but when I am in a dissociative rage, it doesn't help much.

What do I do?

EDIT: typos

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

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I have been working on CPTSD recovery for the past 1.5 years or so, and have made progress. A few weeks ago I had a different traumatic event happen to me, and I feel like I've been thrown back into square one with no way out. My chronic insomnia is back, my food addiction creeps back, I can't control my emotions, and I am in hypervigilant survival mode.

The lack of sleep, the chronic stress, and the bad eating habits add to a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion and depression, but I don't see a way out. Would appreciate advice.

Am I the dumb one?

Am I the dumb one wanting to go back to school and become a trauma therapist?

In February I found out I have depression and anxiety. In May I found out I have CPTSD and OSDD unofficially (I am currently working on getting a psych eval). Four months ago, I started to get into intense therapy, read and research everything I could know about trauma and dissociation. The more I learned and dived deeper, the more I realized my State doesn’t have enough therapists to address complex trauma and dissociation.

I know that because I was having a hard time finding the right person with the right knowledge and expertise to help me in my healing process. Because of this, it sparked a passion in me to get a graduate certificate (about 6-9 additional classes) so I can become a licensed therapist where I live. See, I already have an MA in Psychology so I would just need some additional classes and hours.

Back to the question above: I ask this because it seems some of my coworkers feel like this isn’t a good endeavor to take right now. To some extent I understand their concern but I know I can do it. I know I can juggle working full-time and being a present mom to my 2yo and 4yo while going back to school. I strongly believe this because I have a passion in my heart to help as many individuals who have been touched by complex trauma and dissociation in my State, including me personally and professionally in my work (I am a School-Based Behavioral Health Specialist). I am doing this for me and doing this for everyone else who don’t know they have trauma or dissociation. I just don’t want anyone to wait til their 36 (my age) to figure out they have complex trauma and dissociation.

So yeah, am I the dumb one wanting to do this? I was so confident to do this at first, but the more I open up to my co-workers about it the more doubt I have.

Am I the dumb one?

TW: suicidality, psychosis, crisis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I had another crisis sometime last month. Something broke.. something really big this time. I don't know what happening to me, to be honest.

Don't worry, I won't describe what I'm experiencing. Just that it was bad enough for me to finally cave and try medication, after years of refusal for various reasons.

The psych was empathetic, suggested a mood stabilizer since I didn't want SSRI.

What I'll say is that I can finally sleep. I sleep through the night (first time in 15 years). There are some other changes that might be desirable.

Mainly, I'm not so afraid to do what I want or not do what I don't want. I'm not AS jumpy, but still jump.

It's a very low dose.

But, the exhaustion.. the depressing thoughts? I still get flash backs. My body still feels them. And I am now unable to connect with ANYONE. Not even with my dog.

I'm still deeply sad. The psych was so hopeful and certain this would help me. And I guess it has? But I let myself hope that I would be okay .

So I'm frustrated and defeated. I hate that I have to take any medication at all! And the fucking shit isn't even working that well! I just feel like a yappy dog that got put in a locked room so people don't have to hear me that bad... but I'm still yapping.

But I'm still holding out hope. It has been useful. The sleep is a God send.. and I don't feel completely "alien" to myself. I've only just started it over a week ago.

God.. I'm just so so sad right now. Why? Why do I have to hurt like this?