Hi--my name is Canton Winer (@CantonWiner on Twitter) and I'm a sociology PhD student at the University of California, Irvine. I recently began a project with Hannah Tessler (Yale University) and Emily Fox (UC Santa Barbara) that explores how people understand friendships, romance, and sex. We are interested in getting responses both from LGBTQIA+ folks (and asexual and aromantic people in particular), but we want to hear from everyone, including cisgender and hetero folks.

Our survey just opened: https://uci.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cSDnYhzxjtczcfs. Anyone who is 18 or older and living in the US can participate. You do not have to have experience with all relationship types (friendship, romantic, sexual, etc.) to participate.

We want to make sure we get lots of perspectives from LGBTQIA+ and non-LGBTQIA+ people.

If you have any questions/comments, feel free to DM here or on Twitter (@CantonWiner). You can also email me at cwiner@uci.edu.

https://preview.redd.it/uwlgjx30mita1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9faf5dc8756cbd4c9a393fccd5f438ae3aa00f41

Yallllll my partner and I are both hella neurodivergent w complex PTSD and I proposed to him recently and he said yes 💖

So my SO is, in a normal state, an incredible partner. He’s caring and empathetic, really sweet and supports me in everything that I do. He’ll do literally anything for me (to the point where I started to worry for him and talk to him about establishing more boundaries, as I was afraid he’d do things he actually doesn’t want to do). However, he is very sensible to criticism and takes things very personally. Especially when he is in a depressive phase, he is very irritable. As soon as he gets mad, I feel like I have a completely different person in front of me. He says incredibly mean things to me and triggers me really badly. He uses my mental health diagnoses against me (ADHD and possibly autistic) to discredit me in the argument and as I slip into a full blown meltdown he calls me crazy and how I’m scaring him with my behavior. Gaslighting, manipulation, the whole package. I am genuinely traumatized from our arguments so that I have trigger words now that when used, will catapult me into a meltdown in seconds.

I cannot wrap my mind around this. He is not like a typical abuser where the abuse is subtle and happening all the time but he literally just switches in the fraction of a second.

Does anyone have a similar experience to this? How do you cope? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

So I was seeing this ND guy for a few months and things were going so good, then out of the blue he texted me saying that he just wanted to be friends. He said that mentally and physically he’s been drained and tired of fighting his mind. He said he had only eaten once a day that week and wasn’t working out as much and was losing weight, so it was starting to affecting his health negatively. So he said he just wanted some time to get things back on track- he said I was not the cause of this it was just life, work, falling out of his happiness and trying to maintain everything. Then he said he didn’t know if he was meant for a partner or being in a relationship because he doesn’t like the way his autism affects the person he’s with(anger, outbursts, etc). He did say that he wanted to still continue texting and when he was feeling better that we could hang out every now and then. My question is, is this typical for a ND person? I should also add he’s never been in a serious relationship before-just a few relationships total, but nothing over 3-4 months.

My boyfriend has certain behaviors that have started to make me wonder if he’s on the spectrum. A friend of mine seems to think so, but I would appreciate any feedback from this community, which would ultimately help me understand him better and navigate some of his puzzling and what sometimes feels hurtful behavior.

He’s very sensitive to sensory stimuli. Loud sounds, smells, lighting, and even touch. For example, he notices sounds right away that are distracting but I don’t pick up on until he points them out. Very aware of “loud talkers”. Same with smells, very sensitive nose. He is really picky about the textures of certain foods. He’s not a big fan of touch… ive had to learn when it’s appropriate to show affection and what amount is enough. I’ve noticed discomfort when I go over-board on physical touch. The only times he’s been more inclined to receive or show affection have been when he’s feeling insecure or if he’s very drunk.

Although he is very sensitive to sensory stimulation… emotionally, he is not very sensitive at all. Oftentimes, it can feel like he is emotionless. For example, I recently have had to get some medical testing done. Although nothing was revealing to he terminal, it turns out I might have an auto-immune disease. So, it was a bit scary for me at times. While I was going through all the labs and dr’s visits, he wasn’t asking me how I was doing or feeling? I brought it up to him at one point that it was strange to me he hasn’t asked me about it. His response was that he couldn’t read my mind. That he’s been very busy and he can easily get distracted with his work and that if I need something from him, it would be best if I ask him. This was so confusing to me, and almost made me feel like he needed to be reminded when to show concern for me.

In general, he’s a pretty quiet guy, but pays attention to everything going on around him. He told me once “I hate talking.” Something about verbal conversation in person doesn’t excite him or stimulate him like it does for me. He does better with texting - seems more engaged. In group settings he prefers to hang around and occasionally comment but is never the center of attention. After big social events it can take him a couple of days to recover.

He’s really intelligent about the things he’s interested and seems to be happiest when working on things he likes without interacting with too many people. He likes order, structure, organization and cleanliness. Very big on his routine. Logic and reason are his comfort zones.

He dislikes dramatic reactions or personalities. Hyper sensitive to manipulation or dishonesty. Seems to be able to emotionally withdraw very easily. If we get into a difficult fight, it takes days before he’s ready to reconnect. Saying “I love you” is hard for him, he has told me that it is hard but just cause it’s hard doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

I don’t want to psychoanalize him but if he’s on the spectrum it might help me interpret things differently and learn more about him, what his unique needs are, etc. It might also help me cope with how I react to some of his behaviors. Any feedback, opinions, guidance are greatly appreciated.

(WARNING! this post is kinda long so if you don’t wanna read the whole thing but wanna help read the next paragraph if you can read it all start at the exclamation points:) )

i cant seem to be able to stop blowing up little bickering into huge fights. i am unable to realize until towards the end of the fight that i overreacted and dug myself into a hole that i didn’t need to. the fight usually starts off with him not realizing i’m upsey and trying to go on as usual and then he gets upset after a few hours of me being sad and bitchy and petty then it usually ends with him apologizing and comforting me, which in the moment feels good cause my feelings are validated but later on i feel guilty that i’ve A: ruined the night B: forced him into an apology that he didn’t need to give C: that i subconsciously manipulated him into giving me comfort when i could have just asked for it in the beginning how can i stop doing this? PLEASE HELP

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!so i started dating this guy over the summer and we fell in love and quickly escalated to a serious relationship. my last serious relationship was very toxic and abusive mostly coming from my exs end. for the past few months i’ve found it almost impossible to stay in a good place with my boyfriend and I KNOW ITS MY FAULT. every couple has bickering but for me i subconsciously blow up every single thing into a huge fight and don’t realize it till after and by then i’m so deep that i can’t even apologize and admit i was was wrong, so i try to make him feel bad so that i can ‘forgive’ him and it takes the blame off me. i know it’s wrong but i literally can’t stop doing it. it’s like i can hear myself deep in the back of my mind screaming ‘PLEASE STOP JUST STOP, I DONT WANNA DO THIS’ but i CAN NOT STOP. for example: i am cooking dinner for us and then as i’m cutting the vegetables he comes in and it feels like he’s trying to micromanage me but in reality he probably just wanted to cook with me or help out( he enjoys cooking very much as well as i do) anyway i get pissed off and in my head i’m thinking that this is his way of telling me that i’m bad at coooking. so i storm into our room and leave the whole kitchen and meal and say you can do it all yourself if i’m not a good enough cook for you. he doesn’t realize how upset it made me and he’s all cheery and says ok which pisses me off further because i feel like he got what he wanted all along(to cook the meal himself) even though in reality he wanted to just see if i needed help. so i’m in the room he’s cookin now and i’m fuming and so he asked if i was t to smoke( we are both stoners) i say no illl smoke by myself to be petty and then that’s when he started to feel somethings off. so he comes in the room plates in hand full of the meal he finished for us and i ignored him just scrolling on my phone, and refused to eat. i just didn’t acknowledge him or the food. he try’s to start up a conversation but i don’t respond and eventually he leaves and goes to the living room to watch tv and eat by himself. now i’m alone in the room feeling neglected and sad and upset that he left me all alone completely unaware that i’m being a bit**. his roommate joins him in the living room and i can hear them talking and laughing which infuriates me even more now. in my mind i’m like:

• he’s telling me that i’m a bad cook
• then he got to do it all himself
• tried to act like nothing happened and eat like normal
• left me alone in the room
• hung out with his roommate and had fun when WE were supposed to be spending quality time together

so he stays out in the living room for an hour and comes back assuming i’m over whatever mood i was in but he comes back to me in a raging mood so i blow up on him telling him all the things he did to me and how unloved i feel and that this needs to change. he’s initially confused but then gets upset saying i’m making a big deal out of nothing and being dramatic which let me tell you makes me ANGRY. now my feeling feel invalidated and i feel completely unloved and hurt. so i start to cry and say that he always invalidates my feelings and gets mad at me for speaking up on how i feel. so then he starts to feel bad and then it’s around this point that i realize that i might have blown things out of proportion and the reality of the conflict from the beginning i start to see how he didn’t mean to make me sad or upset at all. but by now i’m in too deep so i can’t admit i was wrong and it feels good to hear him validate my feelings when he apologizes so i continue crying until he feels really bad and comforts me and apologizes. as soon as he apologizes then i feel happy and it’s like the whole thing never happened. i’m completely over it. but he’s not, i can tell deep inside he’s confused and kinda upset that it played out this way.

these sort of interactions happen daily if not every other day. hypothetically if i never blew up our bickering to a full fight we wouldn’t have nearly as many fights. i’m trying to be more conscious of it and try to see his point of view before i blow it up but it’s near impossible. i never realize i’m in the wrong until it’s too late. i love this man very much and he treats me so well i know he doesn’t deserve this but i don’t know how to stop because half the time i’m not even conscious that i am doing it. i really want to stop doing this before i ruin our relationship. this is the first healthy man that i have ever been in love with. he has no trauma no mental problems (other than being depressed for two weeks in sophomore year) normal family, good job, very good looking and overall a very stable healthy and balanced life except for me. i wanna change that but how?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ADVICE

also i’m well aware of my inability of summarize and not go on a rant so if you read the whole thing i am eternally grateful to you.

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Hi guys! I’m new here so I hope this post isn’t breaking any of the rules. I just started casually dating my friend whom I’ve had on&off feelings for for over a year now). Weve only admitted liking one another just a week ago so its all rainbows & butterflies. And I really like him, I wanna be able to maintain this relationship but all my research just brings up articles on how non-bpd can survive relationships with bpd. So please help me out 🙏🏽🙏🏽 tell me how you maintain your successful romantic rships.

hey, guys so I met this girl and she's literally my dream woman my god if you could see her you'd fall in love too!

we started seeing/dating around 1 month ago and things have been good however I'm really unsure with how to deal with her having BPD sometimes she says things that are hurtful as a defense mechanism as she doesn't like public affection etc. so I get it and I handle it in a calm manner because I know that happens from my research into it.

I'm a very touchy-feely person I love affection and when me and her are alone it's great but in public its no go and we try but I feel I make her uncomfortable when doing so.

I'm also a very loud person often described as too much because I'm one of those happy go lucky nothing gets me down types of people and I feel when we're in social situations she hates me for it she expressed that I seem like I am holding my own show which I am trying to dumb down quite a lot she is saying now that she thinks we need a break which I'm all for because she is expressing she needs time which I respect.

I really do not want to lose her because she has been really good to me over the past while but it's starting to worry me is there anything I can do to save this...

Long story short I was drunk and probably said some pretty shitty stuff. ( I can’t get like that when I drink or on a binge ) my question is how would you feel if your partner had given you a broken nose? I take responsibility on my part but now he keeps commenting on how crooked it looks and I can’t stop crying cause I have no money to fix it and it’s litellr on more side on half my face- I only gave him two scratch marks on his face after he had hit me -

Me and my partner have been together for a little over two years and are living together. I struggle with panic disorder and depression while she struggles with BPD and severe depression. While we have always both known this about one another, it obviously has its harder times and easier times. Lately, my partner has barely gotten out of bed, doesn’t have a job, and rarely does any household chores. I do it all. I get home from work and cook, take care of our four cats, and clean. I know what it’s like to suffer from depression, but not as severe as her. But i am getting a little frustrated. Sometimes i feel as though she doesn’t try as hard as she could, even though she just told me she is trying her hardest. I know she’s not lying, but my brain wants to think she can do better at getting better. I just see the potential, you know? I brought this up with her and came off as insensitive as I had not thought through everything before voicing my concerns. What should i do? How do i come off in a not-so nitpicky way? What can I say and what can we do to get our relationship into a better place? I feel like an ass but it’s kind of hard to ask for more help without sounding like an ass in this situation...

Are you in a relationship with someone with depression? Research shows time and time again that people with depression do better with strong social support but what effect is this having on you? If you have a spare ten minutes please partake in this completely anonymous survey to help guide future supports for loved ones (ethical approval granted by University College Cork, IRE) https://cacsss.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_aXLwgppHWWWHieh