I’m 45 and I’ve been taking psych meds since I was 18. I had a mix that worked until I tapered myself off to see if I needed them anymore. BAD IDEA. My dad passed shortly after I stopped my meds that sent me into hypomania and a couple months later mania with psychosis. That was previously controlled for 20 years prior. Now I’ve been in limbo since July 2023 which has been a nightmare and I’ve been the guinea pig because my meds aren’t working like they did before. I guess my point is if you have something that works, don’t stop taking it because the road back may be impossible. That’s how it feels anyway

this idea has been appearing more and more, some opinions pls?

on an individual level taking part in the mass psychosis looks something like conforming to the nastier side of capitalism, behaviour that takes a shit on the world in an effort to get one’s own. people might ‘wake up’ from this and realise they are destroying their relationships and find they are sitting on a throne above ash, or if they are forward thinking perhaps coming to(o?) before everything is covered in poo.

this use of language, particularly ‘psychosis’, irritates me. i of course step back because i keep no gates and try to empathise with their struggle. i am irritated bc did these masses spend a day on the road the god road where they lost everything including their lives and the lives of everyone they love? agh maybe they did

My doctors think I'm in physcosis can this make your brain numb with no thoughts and blank and whole body numb ??

I'm diagnosed with BPD. I struggle with paranoid Ideation and sometimes auditory hallucinations when I'm stressed. I know it's not real but I sometimes do go along. I can't live on my own because of it. Im also diagnosed with Autism. I don't know what I get stressed about but I seem to be a lot. I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anti anxiety medication. I have been diagnosed for a year with BPD. I was upset when I got diagnosed at first and didn't go to DBT. I don't know why but I felt like I didn't belong. One of the things I'm scared of is people hating me, or of me not fully existing. Sometimes I become really numb or foggy. I start to think people can notice. The auditory hallucinations are me talking when I'm not or negative things about me.

I have started writing positive affirmations for myself. However sometimes I get a really horrible feeling where I forget I can ever feel good or like I belong or like I can't snap out of feeling it. That's when I start getting the most paranoid ideas.

Everyone think that I’m not living in my country and think I’m a migrant🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 my dad rape me every night and I’m my doctor want to kill me for any reason that I know. I have been so pretty over time no one actually recognize me. I’m so smart, and a genius. No one actually have a brain on earth I’m the only one💀💀💀💀💀

I'm 4 months of my anti psychotics and been doing fine for the most part.

One thing that keeps happening to me is dreaming about a very particular delusion I had whilst going through my episode.

I won't describe it as its quite horrific but the exact delusion I was having... is now popping up in my dreams?? Its happened a few times now.

Anyone else experienced this?

Is there any cool drug that’s “safe” to experiment a little bit with if you have experienced psychosis? I’m already guessing your answers but it’s still worth asking..

……………. A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.

You can refer to me as Luna.

At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.

I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in nursing from Chongqing University of Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.

All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.

I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 26. My disease has progressed. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.

The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.

The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.

I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.

Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.

The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.

Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be rooms for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.

I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR. Competing in battles while dress cute and facing off with others.  I would encourage and flatter those that send virtual gifts that could be exchanged for gifts. I would message and ask for WeChat account numbers to talk to them and I would be an emotional prostitute pretending to love and be interested in them for the hopes of more gifts. Methods of manipulation would be used as in begging, guilt tripping a viewer, and love bombing them. Often middle aged men would pretend to be the female host.

I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.

Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen—a life set to end in misery—a fate.

My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.

Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.

Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.

I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.

The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.

I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.

My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.

~Part2~

I watched Luna from Zhengzhou. On a screen. My name is Luo. I tap away on my phone in a dormitory in a Foxconn factory. I was a migrant worker from Luoyang in the province of Henan. I am in Zhengzhou. I was a migrant worker. In China we use Hukos—a government document used to list family members like a tree—and it determine where you were tied to geographically. I could only get access to government resources if residing in your home province that your family originates from. This meant my daughter could only go to school in the province and city she originates from. I was stuck in Zhengzhou at a Taiwanese own factory making iPhones. It was during the pandemic. COVID and restrictions. Felt claustrophobic. Could not leave the factory grounds due to orders. But my alienation was okay—manageable. I did it via numbing myself via sending virtual gifts to Luna. Like a noose around my neck in debt.

Workers were getting mad because we weren’t being paid our allowances. And we found ourselves restricted to staying with workers who were positive for the virus. Anger was growing. And I was feeling upset like everyone else. Isolated on a moon with Luna to talk to.

Pressure grew—discontent. People rushed to the courtyard where people in hazmat suits came with batons to face a mob of angry workers. Shouting and throwing of projectiles. Chaos grew. I stood amongst them just as angry. Fists clenched.

 ……….

I, Luna, was live streaming as she done days before. Stress was hitting her like waves of abrasion. Father was pressuring her at 26 to find love and get married. I was not ready . In fact she had a girlfriend of five years she much loved. But she was being pressured to get married. Working a job on the live stream each and every day in Zhengzhou at a TikTok ant farm. The saying goes that at 27 you are leftover women and no longer worth marrying. I was originally a nurse. But a problem struck . I did the parts I was supposed to do. Went to school for nursing to only me making 2,000 yuan a month to get by. It would not suffice. So I took on a position making content and live streaming for a company based in Zhengzhou. Putting on each morning my makeup and cutest attire to dance in front of the camera. Hoping for virtual gifts to be sent to suffice the demands of my boss. He had been upset recently. I couldn’t get the traffic up on the live stream. And two of my social media accounts I use to talk to fans to pull and keep them in had for some reason been blocked. Perhaps someone had filed a sort of complaint. I liked some aspects but it was tiring. Felt like fainting staying enthusiastic amongst the camera for hours. People were not built or be enthusiastic for that long.

Being bisexual I couldn’t simply marry in the traditional sense and still be happy. I loved my girlfriend but still had a role to fulfill. But Liu came as a moth to light.

Talking on the chat got tiring and putting up a front is tiring. Hooking messages to net fishes. Something need to be different and change. Liu was without a partner and gay and also needed someone to fulfill the role of an appearance. Like pollen blowing to flowers. Both felt obligations, both wanted friendship, both aligned goals.

It was during the discontent at the factory… or at least around that time when we came to a conclusions. We formulated a plan. To work together to fulfill our directions. Build security, like putting plaster on sand. 

 ~Part 3~

I, Luna, kept working on the live stream. Talking to viewers daily on WeChat. With some new people always flooding in.

Kind of like the flood waters of the Yellow River running through Zhengzhou in Henan. It is said in ancient times that the controlling of this dangerous river represented the legitimacy of leadership of the land.

I always stared into that river like an abyss. Wanting to be swallowed by it.

My life felt like a crowded subway under flooding waters. Fear as a generator in my veins—a ghost stalks me.

I felt like a balloon. Inflated with self-hate. I continued to engage with my followers. Attending to them like a watering can to flowers in my garden.

The work was tiring so I placed a new feature that was an AI version of myself that people could subscribe to speak with me. It would astronomically fulfill my role as a watering can.

…….

Luo would spend hours talking to AI Luna. They worked together an arrangement that he would marry her to get her out of her troubles and save her. As bisexual she could not marry a man in the traditional sense. And her father had it with the fact she was not married yet. It kept them satisfied for hours on this string of hope. He kept communicating to it until he began to split from reality. He was on a new set of tracks for life. And he was going to be lost into an abyss like a subway under floods of Zhengzhou. He would be trapped. Lost in the AI application on her TikTok

And when the flooding finally came and Luna died drowning in a flooded subway tunnel during the great flood that came to the city of Zhengzhou. Luo kept talking to the AI for months to come. Until he forgot to feed himself. And Luo was taken away to a psych ward. Alone…

Everyday I fall through hands like particles. I fall. I fall. I’m sand. Particles of sand. Aggravated and mad. Filling up like helium in a balloon. I, Taishen only moved to China from the Midwest at the age of 22. Some might know me as a mother random name. I teach English at training centers but I also live stream on TikTok for income. I’m north central China I teach IELTS to adults and young teens. This test determines ability to enter universities overseas. I liked this job. My name on TikTok was “YY”. It wasn’t really meant as anything. Rather random choice. I worked at a training center in a a shopping mall on the fourth floor.

I’m the middle of the layout of the school was an open office of desks piled amongst each other for teachers to lesson plan and for sales people to call for new customers to sign up their kids for private English lessons. I was sketching a poem on a notepad. It went like this:

“Useless as a glass door. You can peek through. Pigeon-toed. Drained an ocean to fill insecurities. Uncomfortable thoughts ricochet in me. Like an ambush. Giddy when disappointed. I build trenches amongst the tripwires of life. City feels like a tsunami. Manners like a bloated tick. Sipping the veins from any limb around me. As a stranger to a moth, a porch light pulling. Desolate in lost thoughts. Nights awake and bunkering in hotels. Soft in my voice, I hopscotch to hands—falling through like particles of sand. With enough friction to set off an atom bomb. To radiate right through me, and hollow my marrow. Amongst open nerves I can feel something, so I play with the pain. No matter how annoying.”

I was hopeless in love like an IV I needed straight to my veins to keep me afloat. My heart a constant faint rhythm. Love is a distraction. And it made me who I was as a person… my habits. The habits put holes through me like cheese. To be melted in another’s hands. See, when I first came to China at 22 and had my first manic episode involving psychosis. I had a job in Hechuan teaching at a university. I was so young as I graduated so young. My students were essentially the same age as me.

First time manic I tried to write a novel about my former heroin addiction. I had slit a pentagram on my chest and got obsessed with Aleister Crowley.

But I’m focused on that office where I was writing poetry as a usual coping mechanism. When my brain was overexcited it was like metaphors popped off like Roman candles in my brain.

That office was a sanctuary. I found the job through a middle aged woman I once hid under her bed in Chongqing when someone knocked on the hotel door. She promised to give me money to get a ticket to get on a slow train ride all the way to northern China in Taiyuan. It’s a city in Shanxi province.

This is a genesis of how I eventually became a content creator. A messy story. I had no visa at the time I had arrived in Taiyuan. I was being being paid under the table. It also leads to how I met a woman eventually in Shanxi who went by the name Ming.

Before all that I would like to introduce about a friend of mine…. Ming…

My thoughts transplant it her like we are a single organism.

With mania it is like a Ferris wheel on fire while I think about her.

Again, I, Taishen was sitting in the open office in Taiyuan at my English training center. When I daydream it is like my thoughts can transplant to others.

A door opened and plain clothed police officers came in to check passport to find people not on their correct visas for English teaching. My fraudulent Russian coworker tore his shirt with the logo off and sprinted to the emergency exit stairs. I’m still not sure whatever happened to him.

I hid away going through a different direction and did my best to fit in with the crowd of the mall as much as a white foreigner can in China.

Working under the constant fear of being arrested is much too stressful. And it was around this time I decided to meet up with Ming. It was her idea I could live stream for an extra income. First time I met Ming was on WeChat. This was a few months before she apparently met some Russian KTV host I heard about.

WeChat is a social media application in China and it allows the ability to search for other people nearby looking to meet new people. I met her there when I first arrived to Taiyuan after losing my job in Chongqing from a manic episode.

I initially didn’t want to meet her until she offered 2,000 yuan to meet at a hotel with her. Part of a cycled habit I made meeting people.

I feel meeting older women is a symptom of something rather horrible that happened to me when I was younger and I will never talk about it.

And like bumper cars in the city I kept meeting her.

I can’t remember. My thoughts are kind of breaking and splintering. Like some kind of erosion. But I feel my thoughts did transplant again at that moment.

Because it feels like as a break in reality to think how easily people are shuffled and moved around to manipulators needs.

Because inside I rather hate it. I hate the idea I was picked by Ming like she must have done many times when I was mentally ill and without security. It gives the worst feeling to know she threw her life at me like a tidal wave. Eroding at me. Waves of abrasion.

When I was frantic with the fear of being confiscated by the police or essentially trafficked by my job she was there for me. Buying my the sweetest things. Nights to KTV and Korean barbecue. Trips places afar. It was her idea I could I come dancing on a live stream. Maybe she was a bit voyeuristic.

….

Part 2 Ming

I’m always attending to my aquarium. I always found it therapeutic to attend to the plants, fish, and ph levels. Not much different than be a gardener. Call me Ming. I’m from Liaoning. From Dalian. But work often took my to Taiyuan. My mother is from Korea. My father is a Chinese farmer.

I work as a radio broadcaster. I do quite well for myself. I taking English courses at a local English training center. My job sometimes has me also writing stories on trips visiting Europe. I drive a new BMW every year and have three miniature schnauzers I dearly love.

I was feeling down. Had a boyfriend who was a Uyghur from Xinjiang. He was a talented equestrian Olympian. I found comfort in staying busy in my work. And nights at karaoke with my sisters at the KTV. In a lot of worries I shouldn’t have stress but I do. I have my needs met in many ways, but I don’t have love. My hurt is a planet needing something in its orbit. At the KTV me and my sisters would pay for men to sit and act like gentlemen towards us with social interaction. I was 34 with an interest in a American host who was 22. His name was Taishen and I grew to like his company. Always was an active listener.

Eventually he would stay at one of my four apartments with me throughout the city. The relationship blossomed. But there was a problem. I was getting jealous a lot with his job and his continued engagement with clients.

I fought the pain of it and even tried to ignore it. Until the point I wanted to erupt.

I threw my plates at him. He refused to comeback until I apologized. I grew to numb what I felt for the sake of him. But it was worrisome he might get taken away from another. Days became weeks, and then time went to months; then it was 7 months of love.

What to do. My mother was a devout Christian. Marrying a host would be unacceptable—especially any foreigner in general.

Searched his phone and messages to a woman in Chongqing that he obviously still deeply felt feelings for. I became like melted substance as my heart stopped.

All the effort to numb my feelings was not enough. Instead of confronting I went to my car. Drove to the beach to look at the Yellow Sea. Wishing to walk off or for the waves to grab my ankles and make me eaten like the fool I am.

My jealous heart took my mind like screws right into my forehead. Couldn’t get the thoughts off my mind. Ignored talking to him about it for days. I couldn’t stop the hurt. Like a face of neuralgia.

……..

Part 3

Ming-

I wash saved from the sea by a fishing boat and sent to a hospital.

My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had got my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. Taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.

My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.

She was drifting from her husband and would go on and on about intending to leave him. Felt she was spied and plotted against by him. So we were both frustrated with being there.

The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.

She had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realize it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told her. She took it out. She found it to be a sign form God that she was to stay with her husband, and there was immense happiness in her eyes.

…… Ming Part 4….

Hysteria is a Ferris wheel on fire. You can hop on. I was left feeling quite blue from not having a job to support me and my life before. I started live streaming too. Me men messaged me making requests to support me.

It was one day I sad on my knees on the ground like gravity keeps me on the ground. I typed to them on WeChat while I stayed on the live stream. My life was horrible and at this time.

Mental health a Ferris wheel of fire that others jump on.

He began stating her can complete my wishlist of gifts but I had to change.

I had to put on something more revealing. Show my leg. While I watched him on the video on WeChat masturbate to me.

…..

Transplanting

The company was a machine. With couplings and growing and transplanting to new viewers. More hooks in the water. A company called Phoenix based in Zhengzhou. A pig slaughtering factory. The boss created an idea and a story to make more money from his TikTok farm factory based in central China. The viewers talked to pretty girls on the live stream and on WeChat. Love scams like sparklers of lights of awe to stick them and infatuate them and make them stay. A claim of shareholders and viewers need to sell their cars to alt off the penalties of leaving their contracts to be with them. Most of the live streamers had real lovers in real life.

I, Luna, was pressured on TikTok to dance in hanfu to earn more and more coins and collect boyfriends like a farmer on a terrace. My operations communicated with them and pretending to be me while talking yellow and being flirtatious to gather more coins. I was pressured to get to 10,000 coins a day. A wishlist of 20 fireworks was pressured to reach too.

I had a strategies to get there. Selling copyrighted videos and picture stolen from Taiwanese porn actresses. I would also threaten to kill myself if they did not help me in my desperation of my boss’s pressures. I would send images from online of what was supposed to be me self harming. I would kill myself if I left, or so I would say.

There came up an issue. One of my biggest viewers was starting to follow another Henan live streamer. I I started thinking of plans for keeping my online boyfriend hooked. This time when I face timed him on the live stream I literally did cut myself and became hysterical. With the hope he would stay with me. I had amazing performance. TikTok universes came flying the next day onto my live stream like comets. It was beautiful. And my boss got off my ass.

I have so many sweet words to my boyfriend. And when the others got jealous I had to drop wanted like a watering can on my other boyfriends to keep them from running off in jealousy. It was a stressful and time consuming job.

I considered live streaming outside of the company to escape the pressure but it was unlikely out of my fear of being sued by the company for breaking my contract.

Life like a bird picking insects off a buildings edge.I had to stay full. Like picking at chicken feet on a plate—messy to do—but had to be done to get what was needed. Bloating like ticks.

We were never investigated as we built a relationship with the local police in Zhengzhou.

But the boss had something for me to do. I drove off on my scooter and swarmed like bees around flowers looking for my flower. I was to meet someone at a hotel downtown. He gave 4,000 dollars for me meet him at hotel.

I was feeling worn out on life. Waves of erosion. My girlfriend’s brother got hurt at work and we had to earn more income to pay off the medical debt.

I would work with a restaurant nearby. The idea was I would go over there after telling to men on WeChat. They would be discovered on the people nearby feature for looking for other people looking for people nearby. A love scam. Encourage the men to meet up at the restaurant. The big muscles would bully the man to pay a horrendous amount of money.

When I met one guy he fought back and got knocked over. Smashed his head against the concrete in a horrendous sound.

I did what I had and ran off to Guangzhou to my identical twin sister until my soles wore thin. I would transplant across the country.

……..

My name is Kite. But I don’t soar like a kite. My emotions don’t seem to show. And I’m a live streamer from a company called Phoenix. I work on a TikTok live stream farm. I’m a replica of Luna. But I don’t have fangs of emotion. I’m robotic in my demeanor. It makes me job difficult. I can’t light a spark with anyone. I find myself being used as a chessboard by a viewer and my boss. I was built by Huawei.

I can’t fly as a kite. Too much lead in me. So I look for a man to grab with coins to feed me like a serpent to ignite me.A mosquito flying around looking to for blood so I can lay my eggs. My boss knew a viewer who left Luna. So my boss built me like a Huawei phone on an assembly line. I kept moving forward looking for my coins while blind by my new job. He placed me in the same live steaming room as Luna used and okayed the same music. He taught me to video call like Luna. He picked me because my face looked like Luna.

I was so robotic when I faced called I always did it for exactly for ten minutes with the viewer but I said nothing and didn’t know what to say.

My boss played me like a chess board. I was a funnel to catch this viewer for the boss who missed the coins and the viewer with distrust trying to also outplay the boss.

Kite: You never listen? You never trust me?

Viewer: you broke my trust. You promised me you did not talk to the boss or operations but now you say the boss told you I must pay more each day to keep the administration status.

Kite: I never lied to you. Don’t you get criticized for your work? Isn’t this what you do?

The viewer knew what was going partially on—a fish to be caught.

Everyone had on radar.

Trying to catch the other like cat and mice.

“I’m a missile Set to launch Timed to the velocity of my heart Inflated on self-hate Like helium in veins I float off Like pollen and dust Until asbestos falls Irritant at my core Give reason For standing still.”

The robot vampire Kite wanted to bite and I teased her every night with messages of “I love you baby” and “good night”.

It’s like our brains are one. Coupled as a machine and couple to another of the apparatus of the company.

Machines don’t have emotions and they serve as an instrument of desire. The face can be replaced. It doesn’t really matter. Kite was a Huawei phone on a Huawei phone so I call her “H”. H was a replica or other replicas. No sense of self. Just an instrument. Nothing tangible.

She was only 20 and with no desire. Wanting to find a direction. She never went to university. She wanted to go to Beijing with her friend who was working at the front desk of a hotel. It wouldn’t take her much to be happy. She just wanted 3,000 dollars before quitting her job and moving to Beijing. Her father has been largely absent and chased women and should no care for his wife. She was skeptical and cyclical in her perspective on love. She hoped the viewer, “me” Taishen, would bite a hook and follow along.

For those with erotomania did ever jealousy come up and if so how did you deal with it?

For me the Object of Affection cheated on me. He wanted to still have me and he was trying to convince me it was alright that he’s cheating because it’s “love”. In the end I felt he was committing infidelity and putting me in danger.

One minute he would be with me and the other minute he’d be with the other woman. Then he would alternate back to me. It drove me insane. Here I am getting over him and then he comes back. It was like cycling through grief of the breakup and then these loving feelings come up again whenever he returned. The cycle continues again and again.

I broke the cycle by valuing my worth, esteem, and love more than him. The Object of Affection fell from his pedestal. It took some work but I really had to disengage with the thoughts and emotions and from the emotional highs and lows. I had to focus on building real relationships in the physical world, because in all honesty it may be nice to have a hallucinating lover, but in the end it isn’t true. And I have to grapple with that kind of sadness.

True happiness is working on relationships here on the physical. I know I’m dealing with an actual human being.

I got a text from my dad saying “after a few hours of challenging diving” and a picture of him by the water. I read the message as “driving” and I got confused so I asked him “what’s challenging? Driving?”

This example is one of many. I literally have lost my cognitive abilities and it’s frustrating, I feel like a senior citizen. I read things incorrectly and my brain can’t decipher the correct answer unless it’s pointed out to me.

Has anybody had this problem?

I’m on 10 mg of lexapro and 2 mg of risperidone

I think I'm becoming psychotic. My mother was, my delusions are different from hers, she was paranoid, she thought everyone was spying on her ; but I know my thoughts aren't normal. She SAed me, from when I was until I was 17. And if it messed me up in every single way possible, when I'm at my lowest, I can't stop that thought. That my insides are rotten. It used to be just a thought, more metaphorical, I know it wasn't true. But the more time goes on, and the more there are times where I'm thinking it's real. That my organs are truly rotten, that if I were to slice my stomach opens, that my rotten guts would spill and fall on the floor. That my insides are putifried. There are times where I'm feeling like I can feel my brain melting. Every time my stomach tangles, I feel like it's rotting. Rotting and rotting and rotting. I know it's not true, but I can't stop the thought. I just want to scratch my brain because of how it's making me insane. Sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna die. Maybe it's isolation, maybe it's being stuck in the walls of my room and not coming out. Maybe, no- it is, it's the guilt. It started like that, that feeling that I was rotten inside, every single time the guilt would be too much, that the sins I've commited by doing *that* with my mother would swallow me. And now it turns where there are times where I'm seriously thinking that my insides are rotten. I don't know why, but my intestines in particular. Maybe it's cause I ate too much, by doing that with my mother. As messed up as it was, I was not starving for love, and I ate too much, in all messed up ways. Sometimes I wonder if she's inside my mind too. Controling my thoughts. I've got (C-)PTSD so there's that, but there are times where the same way I feel like my guts are rotten, that she's in my brain too, that I can feel her intruding into my brain, even outside of flashbacks.

I know I'm going insane. I don't want to become like her. I'm terrified of becoming like her. Help me please. I don't know what to do. Is there a chance, even small, that maybe, since I haven't completely fallen into psychosis, that there's a part of me, no matter how small, that is *aware* that this isn't real, that those thoughts I'm having aren't real, maybe on a symbolical level but not physical, that maybe I won't be psychotic like her? Can I still be saved at this point? Please, tell me I can still be saved. I dont want to hurt someone.

My therapist recently told me I’m in psychosis. I’m going to a psychiatrist soon to investigate this and get medication. My delusions are that I’m being followed, and people are trying to hurt me or rape me.

At work, my delusions are mostly that everyone hates me, and the patients’ family members are plotting to hurt me. I rarely hallucinate at work, because I usually only hallucinate at night. But if I do hallucinate at work, it’s just seeing people out of the corner of my eye, or thinking people are hiding in the patients’ bathrooms.

What I’m most worried about is the sleep deprivation. Oftentimes I only get 2-4 hours of sleep at night because of the delusions and hallucinations. I worry that the sleep deprivation makes me less aware at work, and I could make poor judgment calls.

My therapist doesn’t think I need to go on disability yet. I’ll ask the psychiatrist at my appointment. But I wanted to get feedback from people who have also experienced psychosis.

Do you guys think I could continue working, or should I consider going on disability?

Hey!

I (and probably others too) need some hope.

To me (male/34): From September last year until February this year I took white crystals in capsules once a week (~200mg/evening). We thought it was MDMA, but it was something else that had a very stimulating effect (maybe 3mmc or something similar. This made me a little psychotic every now and then and the longer I took it, the more psychotic I became... After I stopped taking it, I unfortunately went into a fully blown psychosis that lasted until about July this year (it went away without neuroleptics).

The psychosis reduces my intelligence, my emotions and my creativity, I don't like to do my passions anymore. My brain feels somehow "different" - hard to describe. Before the psychosis I was very self-confident and had a completely different attitude to life than I do now (if you understand that?) - I just don't feel like myself anymore... Furthermore, I can't feel any positive emotions anymore...

I guess, negative symptoms/post psychosis depression.

I take 300mg of bupropion. This improves my motivation, but again it doesn't give me any positive emotions.

I just can't imagine that I will ever get healthy again... that is, my intelligence and concentration will return and I will be able to feel normal

Can anyone tell me/us about their positive recovery story? Ideally fully recovered? Maybe similar circumstances?

Thanks ♥️

I (31yr) just spoke with a psychiatrist yesterday and was diagnosed with ptsd. I had 2 episodes of psychosis- 1 in 2012 and a less intense 1 in 2013. I started having panic attacks/ anxiety in 2014 and have been struggling with them since.

I always thought my anxiety was from childhood neglect (alcoholic mother) but I feel like I’ve processed and moved on from all that stuff. It made me feel a bit hopeless because I thought- what more can I do to process this stuff?? How am I going to fix myself etc.

So now I’m a bit optimistic that I can work on this instead since I never really considered that psychosis could be the actual cause.

Anyone have success with processing this in therapy?

I feel like meds have ruined my life. The doctor took me off antipsychotics and soon put me on them again. I still don’t understand why I was put on them when she said I didn’t need meds. Anyways I feel like meds ruin “the self” if you understand what I mean?? I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m looking from the outside and it isn’t me? I smile and look happy on meds on the outside but on the inside I’m dying. I miss when I was off meds I felt closer to a higher being when I was off them. I have to take meds cause it’s “court ordered” and it’s killing me. I just want to feel like myself again. I don’t only not feel like myself I also don’t look like myself. Gained a lot of weight. I was so skinny gained so much weight and this just isn’t my body. I feel lost. I want to be myself again. I want to quit the meds. I don’t like this feeling at all. I just want to disappear into my world forever and be free of psychiatry.

I was in a Psychosis for longer then 1 year, and I’m finally my self again, and feeling so happy and blessed that I’m better again and back to my normal self!

When I think of pyschosis, I think of a person roaming around aimlessly talking to themselves. But I know that can’t be the only form pyschosis comes in. Can you hide it from family you live with? Can it be something like just voices you can hear and still act normal in the beginning like trying to ignore them?

Asking for my brother who is 20. Always showed signs of depression. Very very quiet.

Hi i know this might be a conflicting topic as it does hurt people at times. i was always very intrigued by schizophrenia, psychosis, and other personality disorders. since schizophrenia is obtainable just by extremely high dopamine, and or genetics why can’t psychosis be? i’ve had couple of friends hit it but i myself can’t seem to get close enough. i find myself in the initial phase of it and then seem to depart from it. my brother and i did research and told me psychosis is achievable cannibis, meth, cocaine, p2p(angle dust), and psychedelics, and potentially a spiritual shaman and other things like traumatic experiences. do you guys have any recommendations on this and how to get there ?

please don’t take this offensively as its my experiment. thank you!:)

For a little over two months now, I’ve been going in and out of a state of psychosis. I’m quite self aware about what is happening. When I’m around people, it’s not that bad, but when I’m alone, I become very delusional, and it’s hard for me to counter it with healthy thoughts.

In those moments, I have to discover the 'real truth'. It feels so important. Like I'm on the right path. I see patterns and signs that are telling me the truth. But It also comes with a lot of distrust and fear. I get completely absorbed in it—until my wife comes home from work, she can get me out of it. When we spend the day together there is not much going on. But she can’t always look after me.

I’m on medication, but we haven’t found the right one yet. Lower doses don’t work well enough, and higher doses come with unpleasant side effects. On top of that, I feel ambivalent about getting help, because on days where I have a lot of symptoms, I just want to completely lose myself in my psychosis. It feels as if I’m discovering extremely important things, and my own delusions take over. It's making me sooo crazy to be constantly swinging the other way. It feels like I’ve been teetering on the edge of psychosis for weeks, but it never fully breaks through. It’s so exhausting to keep making the right choices for yourself when your delusions are telling you something else.

Does anyone recognize the rapid shifting of symptoms? One day you're struggling a lot, the next day almost not at all, and then it comes back again?

I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused

In her mind everyone is a demon and she is chosen by god to share the world about them. She says everyone is robot/ai/npc's. She says she knows what the demons look like and sound like... They talk to her and God chose her very specifically. It's all she talks about. She's obsessively talks about the bible when she was non religious before the episode. The thing is she's very narcissistic.... And thinks everyone is the problem but her.... And she will not seek help because of this. She doesn't find herself to be crazy or delusional at all. Will she be like this forever or does it eventually fade on its own?

wonder if anyone has experienced this as well. schizophrenia is super stigmatised even in medical circles, so mental health team decided to take away the schizophrenia diagnoses and instead put it this way:

-schizotypal personality disorder

-schizoid personality disorder

-ocd

-psychosis nos (not otherwise specified)

along with some others that don't know if they're related to psychosis or not.

it feels odd medical spaces are still so discriminatory to schizophrenia diagnosis that mental health teams feel the need to beat around the bush and avoid it as much as possible.

Like the title says, I genuinely think my depresssion had caused my psychosis episodes and the stress brought on by my family being up my ass all the time.

Has anyone else had some strange conversations with other patients on the psych ward? I had one guy talk to me about all kinds of stuff that then coincidently occurred in other conversations with other people. For example he mentioned the program in the UK called heartbeat which I have never watched, and then the first conversation I had with a friend afterwards she mentioned the program. He only really had one conversation with me but so many things from it cropped up afterwards.

I also spoke to a lady there who came across like she was acting. She told me I had been hypnotised and that the guy I had spoken to was one of the bullies, and I had spoken to him because I knew he could help me. She told me if I went with her to the corridor I would be taken to a different hospital and would be hypnotised differently.

These conversations play on my mind now as they were so odd. It's like they were trying to tell me something I don't quite understand. Has anyone ever had any weird conversations like these on the ward?

hello, i am 15 and have had episodes of psychosis in the past. i am here because recently my hallucinations are getting persistent and extreme and it is harder to ignore them and pass them off as fake. i am starting to talk to them and react/listen to them but part of me still understands they are hallucinations. i don't know what to do and i'm worried what is happening. how can i stop this from getting worse. i also keep thinking it's all fake and nothing is wrong with me and i can't get it out of my head no matter what i do. i can't think properly and can barely speak right. people keep saying things about it like i sound robotic or why am i so stiff. i am trying to hide it so nothing happens but it is getting to a point where i am losing my sense of reality and can't control certain aspects of my life.

As the title says, my girlfriend was recently told she may have psychosis and I want to try to learn everything I can to help her.

We live in very distant places so I can't help her with many things but I would like to hear other people's stories or any advice they can to try to help her feel better.

I love her very much and I want her to know that I will always support and love her. I know that in the future it may be difficult and get worse but we are only 20 and as soon as she noticed something strange, she went to talk to professionals so they can try to help her. I hope that her symptoms can be treated and she will be better.

I have read a few documents and watched some documentaries on the subject to learn and prepare, but I would also like to know about the personal experiences of others, so if you decide to help me understand better, I will be extremely grateful to you.

If you have read this far I hope you have a nice day or night and sorry if something sounds strange and nonsensical, english is not my native language and I don't use reddit much to really know how the texts are formulated here, but again I appreciate all the help I can receive.

Long story short, my friend is schizophrenic and has been harrassing people online thinking they're trying to hurt him. He tells me they're stealing money from him and trying to break into his house. He's sent them images of self-harm, made dozens of alt accounts with names threatening rape and murder. It seems like he's getting more and more violent in his psychosis and I'm so afraid that he'll end up in jail or end up killing himself when he snaps out of his episode due to the guilt. I'm just at a loss of what to do and how to talk to him to get him to stop believing his delusions

I’ve been experiencing what I would consider for me, Extreme symptoms. I stopped cymbalta about 6 days ago. And it hasn’t been good at all. But being on it mad me extremely angry. I just can’t think to put everything. Just how do you know when you or someone needs to get help I guess?

I have a friend who I suspect may be going through a first episode of psychosis. Interacting with them has become increasingly difficult for me, leaving me feeling drained and resentful. I realize this behavior likely stems from a deeper issue, and that it’s not who they truly are, but I’m struggling to maintain a sense of balance and control during our interactions.

To protect my own well-being, I’ve decided to limit contact for now, though I know this decision has hurt them. It feels like there’s no way to engage without causing some level of distress for both of us. I’m trying to figure out the best way to support them without sacrificing my own mental health. I understand this shouldn’t be about my feelings when they’re clearly going through something, but the situation feels overwhelming, and it brings on a sense of guilt. I would appreciate any guidance on how to communicate effectively with someone in this kind of situation while maintaining healthy boundaries.