I have a psychiatrist and a therapist. My therapist told me to tap my shoulders when I told her how severe my distress is. I told her it didn't help this extreme level of emotional distress and she never texted me back. My psychiatrist said "I'm not your therapist" when I tried to explain what I am going through.

My husband's saying maybe I need to go to the hospital so they can do a full med evaluation and change my meds since my doctor isn't willing to do anything. His soonest apartment is the end of the month. And he's not going to do a full med review.

I'm suffering a great deal mentally and emotionally. No idea what to do. I've been smoking to keep myself kind of ok but I'm not ok. I'm not sure if this is allowed to say but I SH'd the other day. I'm spiraling out of control. No idea what to do.

I'm so worried for myself right now.

Hi, I don't really use this sub, but I was just recently diagnosed with BPD and starting DBT therapy. Therapy is draining me dry, but I know I just have to start it and figure out the rest later, and I'm thankful I can be on a sliding scale... But anyway, I know therapy is not accessable to most, or maybe DBT itself feels overwhelming. So I wanted to show this resource because I didn't realize how many free DBT books there are on the Internet archive.

My psych recently recommended me DBT Made Simple by Sheri Van Dijk and that I should read it alongside my treatment to get a feel for everything. But then I noticed the entire topic of DBT has a lot more full books with free books you can "loan" with an account or download as pdfs.

Please still see a therapist though, if you have the means at all. This is NOT a replacement to therapy, just a supplement. You do need someone to help monitor how you're doing and giving tailored, unbiased but thoughtful advice into your life, and it does help to talk to a good professional, even if it sucks getting in the door.

I hope this helped anyone, or at least helped save money and time in wanting to read in-depth information about DBT. Sorry if I over explained anything. I hope you have a good day!!

Sorry for the long story

My girlfriend has BPD, we've only been together for a month (sounds crazy to say out loud cause of this story tbh), and for the first two weeks it was amazing. She's super smart and beautiful and she would ask me tons of questions about myself. It always felt like she was doing everything she could to get to know me. We would spend tons of time together, and never fought or anything. Then we had a minor argument. After a few days of drama and very little talking (she was ignoring me), we made up. Despite making up, she doesn't want to see me, and only texts me. The texting was also very dry and she would ignore me for hours unless it was sexual. After a few days of this I told her I was bothered by it and that I thought she was avoiding me, to which she told me she was indeed avoiding me, and that because of BPD she goes through periods where she isolates herself away from everyone else and never wants to talk. I told her it was fine and that I still cared about her.

After that we didn't talk or text for two days, I had sent the last message, which was basically "I really care about you, I'm here if you want to talk". So at this point it's been about 5-7 days since we last did anything but text. Then out of the blue she deleted every photo she ever texted of herself to me (sexual and not sexual). I got mad and sent her a message that basically said I tried my best to be good and understanding with her but I'm not gonna be okay with her just leaving me with no explanation, and that it's not okay to treat people like that, so I blocked her on SC. From my point of view it seemed like she led me on for two weeks and then randomly cut me off with zero communication because of an insignificant argument. Two days later she texted my phone number for the first time ever, and apologized and said she did it because she thought she was using me, I was too good for her, she couldn't give me the commitment I desired, and that she felt guilty for using me as a rebound. I was kind of dumbfounded because I am constantly, in almost a pestering kind of way, telling her how much I enjoy spending time with her, how she's pretty, etc. I do not know if I even believe her fully, I'm not that amazing of a person at all, especially not compared to her.

We both apologized (in that last message I sent her before blocking I was pretty rude ngl) and made up. I thought this would be the end of the debacle, but she's apparently still isolating herself from everyone and our only form of interaction is texting. We will text for hours at a time, and even exchange photos, but she does not want to see or call me and will make up obviously fake excuses, that I usually just pretend to believe. I have brought it up and she says that it's not my fault it's hers, and if I want, she can carve out time to see me. The problem though, isn't that I don't get to see her, it's that it feels like she doesn't want to see or have anything to do with me. I don't want to see her if she's forcing herself to do it, the point is that we're both supposed to enjoy it. It's now been 2 out of the 4 weeks that we've been dating that I haven't seen her, and our only form of talking is through texting lol.

She's also still hanging out with her friends (who she's known way longer than me tbf) and I think tries to hide it, but I've never outright confronted her on it. If I ask her what she did in the day she'll tell me everything, and omit the hanging out with friends part, which I know is happening. Obviously, her socializing with her friends is great, but she tells me that the isolation has nothing to do with me, and that she just doesn't want to interact with anyone at all. She assures me it's just a phase, but it's extremely hard on me and I'm kind of losing it. I'm trying to make this work, because I felt we were very compatible, but I'm starting to lose faith that she cares about me at all.

Sorry for the long story, but does this sound salvageable/temporary or is she just too afraid to break up with me. I swear I go back on it every hour. It seems like she likes me because of how she texts with me, and tells me that she really appreciates how I treat her, but I can't imagine liking someone that much and not wanting to see them for 2 fucking weeks (and still counting. I have no idea what to do. Every time I bring it up she just says sorry and that she has BPD and chronic depression and it's not my fault, then I feel bad and apologize for bringing it up lol.

Typing this out made me realize that this is ridiculous and there's no way it's gonna work. My lord what a wreck. I swear those first two weeks were so nice, I've never had anyone come after me like that. The switch up was wild, I've never had someone go from wanting to spend hours alone with me everyday to just nothing. I think I'm gonna give it a week and if nothing changes I'm just gonna apologize and tell her I can't do it.

I am absolutely terrified. My boyfriend doesn’t think I’m fully committed to him because I keep avoiding meeting his parents but it’s just that I’m absolutely terrified to. My circumstances are shitty right now, I have no job, no savings, and I still live at home with my emotionally abusive mother. My boyfriend has told his dad this and he said he should break up with me. It broke my heart. How do I meet a man that doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to be with his son? What if I’m so anxious I can’t answer the questions they ask? I have nothing to talk about I have no hobbies or interests. What if after I meet them his dad persuades my boyfriend to leave me? I’m really spiralling right now.

As the title say, I think that is very probably that my ex had BPD. She stay with me one time, than go away for 4 months. Then comeback and now gone away again… will she comeback if I don’t search her? Is better if I don’t search her at all and she will be the one to search me?

I am currently looking for part time jobs however I know in the future I will have to go back to full time. But I have always struggled with doing full time work. Have you got any suggestions or tips just to make it that bit easier to cope with full time work?

I have diagnosed BPD and ADD, my ex has bipolar and ADD (diagnosed as well).

I always without fail took the pill, but my ex never used protection so we just got very very unlucky falling pregnant.

He instantly lost his shit. Fell into depression. Started ignoring me. Telling me he can't have this baby.

I never wanted kids because of my childhood trauma but once I found out I was pregnant I guess hormones kicked in and I loved the baby. I saw it on ultrasounds and it was measuring perfect. For once I took proper care of my body and health. For my baby. All my actions pointed to me wanting to keep it.

However with my ex desperate for an abortion and the moral window closing soon (if I got an abortion I'd want it before 8 weeks - no nervous system on brain activity yet, so it would not feel or be aware of anything) things were getting super tense.

My ex threatened suicide. He said he would leave me and never want to see our child. He already abandoned another child (that he told me his ex kept from him, but during my pregnancy admitted to never wanting), so I knew he was capable of that.

When his bipolar gets bad he's usually off the rails getting into debt and bouts on unemployment, so I knew financially he'd contribute next to nothing. (he pays his ex 100/150 a month)

I asked my family if they would support me (let me live there for the first few months with baby) and they basically said no. Then I thought about it and hated myself for wanting to bring my baby into the lives of the people who traumatised me.

But I had no one else. I struggle with codependency like my mom so I was unhealthily attached to my ex and had no support system whatsoever.

I got a lot of counselling from unwanted/unplanned pregnancy therapists but it always came down to its up to you, if you want it, keep it.

I wanted to keep it so badly but how could I, faced with reality:

• I have BPD. I'm easily overstimulated and completely shut down when I am. Frequently fall into depression and suicidal ideation where I'm unable to function for days. I can barely take care of myself. I don't have life skills, I cannot teach a child how to regulate themselves. I'd resent them depending on me probably.

• I'm codependent and would probably repeat the same dynamics with my child that my mother did with me. Enmeshment. Emotional dependence. Traumatising my child for life even though I'd love it with all my heart.

• my ex has severe mental illness and ADD like me (what is the genetic element in this? Would our baby be more likely to suffer from mental illness/disability as well)

• no support system whatsoever.... Literally no one except my mentally ill parents. I'm not stable either. How am I going to show up for my child in the best way every single day? As much as I told myself I'd die for my child and do it all, that is wishful thinking and unrealistic and unfair.

• despite many moms doing it alone on purpose the thought of my child not having a dad, knowing that they were abandoned, and me not having a partner to support me, it felt wrong. Like every child deserves two loving parents.

• I'd have to get off my meds because they weren't pregnancy safe. I'm on an extremely high dose so without it who knows what would happen to me on different/no meds.

I had the abortion because in my mind love was simply not enough.

Afterwards my ex cheated, threw me out and made me homeless, I was hospitalized for an od because I just couldn't handle living anymore.

My 'due date' is coming up and I am still so incredibly sad, grieving. People tell me the baby was 'nothing' yet. But it was everything to me. My whole heart. Something more than me. I feel so sorry. Guilty. Curious how it would have been. Wishing I could have been enough.

Just tell me I did the right thing for my baby and myself.

I'm just so sick of myself. I've been wondering whether I have BPD because I just can't find an explanation for my horrible behaviour.

I'm with the nicest, kindest man and yet I've completely ruined things. I deleted msgs from an ex from his phone, his Spotify playlist with her, deleted photos... I've been just been overall such a selfish and horrible person.

I've had a year of not looking at his ex's social media but this year it's like something flipped again and I'm once again looking her up. For what? I know it makes me feel like shit every single time so why do I do this?

My partner is sick of me and without him I have nobody. I really hate this and I'm just not sure what to do and how to forgive myself. I beat myself up inside everyday because of how ridiculous I've been.

Everything has gone to shit yet another time. I'm (34M) losing my 210k EU capital investment company and 12 years of relationship at the same period of time. I've fucking tried it all, but it's not enough. Yeah well, I'm a fucking victim all over and all that psychological bullshit...I am a victim, tho dont dwell on it. At times like this - I feel like some people are just meant to fail.

edit: I know no one has the answers, but fucking hell....pehaps just some insight ? A dm ? I just feel like such a fucking failure. This damn brain !

I've been on a good streak for like a week now, I've been brushing my teeth and washing my face twice a day, making my bed, keeping my space clean, staying on top of school work, been sober, and generally got through all of the bad days and actually felt good about my life for the first time in a while. But I got a UTI, and ever since I have just rolled out of bed and given up on life. I feel like shit all the time, and I just can't muster the energy to care, like at all. How can I fix this?

No one is forced to keep up with my bpd and be fully understanding of me and my tantrums so i understand why someone would abandon me. i just don’t know how i can feel optimistic about anything from here. i feel so alone

So recently I got diagnosed with BPD while trying to get help for my suicidal/self harm issues. This came as a huge surprise as I know a couple people with bpd (including my mom) and have always felt like I'm very different from them.

I did some research and became even more confused. I relate to some of the traits and then some others on a very low level, like the anger issues, black and white thinking and impulsivity are definitely there but never enough to really cause much trouble in my life. I actually tend to have very stable long-term friendships and healthy relationships. I am a highly emotional and sensitive person but I try my hardest to not let it affect the way I treat others.

The most confusing parts were the favourite person and feeling of emptiness. I love people very deeply but those feelings usually don't just go away, even if a person hurts me i try my best to see all their actions in context and talk things out. My friends often joke that I'm a very low maintenance friend because I don't expect much from them and get immense joy from even small acts of care/affection. I actually have a problem with letting go of people who hurt me because I genuinely feel deep connection to everyone I love.

So yeah the emptiness is not there either. Even when I was in deep depression still living with my abusive family I didn't feel empty, I felt miserable. I've always felt things very strongly, only going numb when I am overstimulated and cannot take in anymore or im too dissociated to feel anything But that doesn't happen that often.

I'm not a profesional so I don't wanna say I was misdiagnosed but I have to wonder if someone can have BPD even without these major diagnostic criteria? Also what do i do if it was a misdiagnosis? How do I get a proper diagnosis? How can I make sure this doesn't happen again?

I'm just so confused.

I can’t handle this pain at all. One moment I’m fine and I’m excited to move on. And one moment I’m screaming into my pillow crying with my chest hurting. I fucking hate this. Not even that long ago he was telling me how he loved me and that I needed to believe him and believe that he couldn’t ever not have me in his life. And then not too long after, he tells me we have to stop contact. I don’t want someone that doesn’t want me, but omfg I can not handle this. It’s 6am and I haven’t slept at all. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I could’ve done differently. I hate this so fucking much I desperately DESPERATELY DESPERATELY wish this was a bad dream I could just wake up from

I love my boyfriend so much and he loves me too but we are not good for each other. He breaks up with me a lot, but always goes back on it immediately after. We never actually break up. We express that we share the same wants for a long term relationship and talk a lot about marrying each other and our future but it’s just not working and I don’t know why. It’s detrimental to both of our mental health. I cannot bring myself to leave him because I feel like he’s perfect for me and I’d be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I keep going to type that I don’t see another way forward but I do I just believe we can fix things but in reality we just get worse. My last breakup ended in a suicide attempt that left me in a coma so I think this plays a part in why I’m so worried to leave

i just wanted to ask if anybody else ends up feeling this way. i’m pretty insightful and self aware but i can’t put my finger on why this happens? i have bpd and my boyfriend is diagnosed with autism, he sometimws interrupts me to the point that i give up on what im trying to say and when he asks me to finish my story or repeat i have such a strong feeling of… idk like i just can’t do it. i can’t and don’t want to repeat or finish the story. there’s such a strong feeling of aversion i guess but i don’t know why or how to get rid of it. this is something we are working on together but i wish i had more insight into what’s going on like inside someone with bpd when this happens because im really struggling to place my finger on this feeling.

Hello! So I (F22) was diagnosed when I was 13-14 years old. Everything’s been up and down as usual, but for the last 3 years, my life has actually been great. I’ll spare the long details, but I actually felt like I was making progress.

However, recently it felt like a switch went off. My feelings of overwhelming emptiness was back. This obviously wasn’t the first time, but it was in such a while.

And I didn’t know how to manage it. I reached out immediately to my family for help. Suddenly everything I worked on for all these years, my behavior, my life, my actions- they went down the drain very fast.

Im not sure whats causing this because I feel like shit. I smoke weed every day just to feel better and fill the emptiness. I want to be in therapy but I feel like everything I did was all for nothing if I do. If I go back it feels like an admission to my loss.

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation

(i just needed to rant i don’t expect anyone to read my incoherent nonsense. i just need it off my chest. and disclaimer i am in the process of getting help it’s just taking time. i’ll live im sure but i feel so horrible i needed to say something to anyone)

holy fucking shit that fact i’m not dead is a crime. i’m such a horrible fucking friend and person and i just hate myself and everything i do. the second i open my mouth i want to die. i’m over this shit. no one takes me seriously in the slightest and i see why; im a fucking joke of a human being. i deserve nothing in this life and no matter how hard i feel like im trying i fail in every goddamn way in every aspect. i take ever criticism about me as gospel and tonight while drinking with siblings we started talking mental health issues. my brother talked about addiction and my sister a rape and i what… feel bad. it’s bullshit and i have no right so say anything because i don’t have that shit going on; i just feel shitty. and i fucking hate it. sometimes i wish so bad that my partner will leave me and move out of our apartment just so i can end it without the guilt. i couldn’t handle knowing i traumatized her like that and a part of me is wishing her to leave just so i have an excuse to tap out. i found out tonight what a horrible shitty person i am. everyone of my sisters friends fucking hate me and they have the right because i am a shitty sister. i just don’t have the capacity to be good all the time and i fail her constantly. i had the audacity to ignore her relationship and think of her partner as a friend and say i was jealous of their how her tits defy gravity and now knowing that i made them uncomfortable i feel like a prick. i want to SH so fucking bad but i no means to do so rn. just fuck man i’ve thought it out a million times- strangle my self in the office while my partners at work and leave a note on the closed door of what i did and to call 911 just so she wouldn’t have to see and fuck the urge just grows. i deserve nothing i have and im a lazy whiner who so genuinely, and i cannot stress this enough, doest deserve to live any longer. a decade of this shit and that first failed attempt is my biggest regret. when the time comes i promise myself i’ll do it right because i can’t do so this any more im sick of being a joke

my fp was raped this last weekend. i was at a music festival, and she met this dude at a bar and she decided to hang out with him. they were going to go to the festival i was at, but he stopped at his place first. he drugged her and she woke up the next morning naked and covered in lacerations.

i want to kill him. just fuck the police and whatever they want to do, i want to find this man and hurt him so bad. but i can’t do anything. i feel terrible for her, so so fucking terrible. she called me crying and just told me everything. it’s all i can think about all day.

i’ve actually been trying to distance myself from her lately as it’s a kind of unrequited love situation, but i care a lot about this girl. i’m going to be there for her no matter what.

i feel so twisted up inside. i’ve never experienced someone i love getting hurt this badly before. i am livid at the whole thing and there’s nothing i can do with any of that anger. i want to be as good of a support as i can, so if anyone has any advice on how to properly show up for a person who was just sexually assaulted please share, i’d appreciate it.

It's 2:00 am and I've been thinking about making this post for a while so why not I guess.

I feel so fucking alone. I live with my parents, I have a couple friends I see occasionally, maximum once a week. I started going to a writing club with like minded people and that helped a little, but there is a layer of emotional intimacy missing from it all. I feel like no one around me understands, they just seem kinda concerned and unsure whenever I talk about my challenges in life in normal conversation. The only person who I felt like really understood is my ex cause they have BPD too, we're still friends but don't talk that personally lately. It's just like walking around as a ghost everyday. I stopped dating for now because I had like 4 failed relationships within 12 months and realized that had gotten out of control. I just don't know how to cope with feeling totally alone and alienated.

My partner has BPD, I don’t. I’m very understanding and try my best to take every precaution possible with all interactions so as to not set them off.

With that being said, I think I did everything possible to cover the bases here.

My partner was at work today and didn’t bring food. Normally, when they don’t bring food, they go out to a nearby restaurant to grab something, and I offer to bring them something roughly half the time, but am never taken up on it.

Tonight, I offered to bring them something an hour after their shift started. I was turned down as usual. A few hours later, they texted me to ask if I was busy, so I said no, taking the trash out and trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for food. I asked if they wanted me to make them anything? No. Would you like me to get anything and bring it to you? No.

So I thought okay cool, they’re gonna go grab something like they do 99/100 times. I figured I wanted to go get something, so I did. But I also grabbed them a drink they love and saved them some of my food to surprise them when they get back.

They called me on a break a few hours later, and asked what I ended up doing. I told them what I did and that I brought them home some stuff for when they get back home.

That set them off - why didn’t I bring them anything, why didn’t I ask if I could get them anything, I’m so inconsiderate, I don’t think of them.

I responded saying of course I did, I did everything I mentioned above. Not good enough. Eventually they got more heated, told me to bring them food and hung up.

I didn’t move, I was pissed, and 5 minutes later, they texted to ask if I was gonna get them anything. I said sure, and drove food to them.

They get home from work, and are blaming this whole thing on me, saying I don’t think of them, I’m so inconsiderate, I’m playing the victim, etc.

Am I just crazy and missing something or are they wrong on this? I just need some support because I’m so upset that I tried to do something nice and it’s being twisted into this

My friend suspects that she has BPD, and seems pretty confident in it. I'm not a professional and can't really say, but I believe her. Either way, she is suffering from similar symptoms and not a little. She is going to therapy, but I want to help her out where I can.

Problem is that I am... not great at comforting people. I hear people out, say I understand how they feel if I do, and give advice when I think it might help. The latter doesn't happen often, because I'm afraid that if I give bad advice it's only going to make things worse.

I have my own set of problems, and struggle a lot with talking to others. I rarely start a conversation, I just respond when people talk to me. Which is not often. She is one of two people that have consistently been talking to me despite this, and she has helped me a lot with my problems. I want to do the same, and not because I'm grateful. I just want to help my friend where I can.

I like to think that I'm good at understanding others, but I don't know how it feels to have BPD because I don't have it myself, which is why I asked for advice here.

I'm mostly looking for general advice, because I'm not really comfortable with giving away information about her just like that. Just making this post alone already feels like I'm betraying her and I don't know why. I'm trying to set that feeling aside but it's not really working.

I fucking hate myself. I feel like I get mad over the stupidest things. I'm sitting here pissed off. I'm mad at myself more then anything. It's me and my partners one year. Everything was going good until tonight. I keep having thoughts of my ex after seeing a song on YouTube pop up that remindse of them. I feel like shit for it bc when I'm with my partner it's all good and I love them so dearly. When I'm alone it's like my brain just likes to think and feel shit. I just want to brain rot on Instagram and just not have to think. It's like silence is violence. I know me and my ex aren't compatible and I haven't even talked to them in forever so why am I feeling this way?? I ruin everything. I'm new to BPD and have been recently diagnosed so tbh I don't know much about it. So I went to tell my partner that I felt like something bad was going to happen and I need help. It's late so I woke them up. I think they are just too tired to talk but it kinda makes me upset like do they not care about me. I try to think rationally I know it's bc they are tired but I can't help but feel they hate me. After sitting in the darkness with my sleeping partner I've made the best decision to get up and drink. Now I feel fucking miserable and I'm mad at myself for even doing this crap. Why can't I just be a good partner and not think about this person in the past who couldn't give me what I need?? Does my one year mean nothing. Why am I so dumb. I feel so upset bc my partner shouldn't have to deal with something like this. Having someone think of their ex and have to walk on eggshells. I feel like a terrible person

I have always tried to practice dbt but I’m now currently trying to practice it much more deliberately and often. I’m doing this with a workbook and YouTube as for me, this feels much more helpful than with multiple therapists I’ve seen. I also see a therapist but my dbt work is kind of something I like to practice alone.

So my question is, how do you guys stay consistent? I’ve currently got reminders in my room, I am going well on using skills, kinda building my “toolbox” for when disaster strikes, but I fear something will come up and I will go completely off the rails with it.

What has helped you keep consistency when times get really tough?

I'm undiagnosed but i'm almost sure to have BPD. I'm 32 and I already struggled with BPD symptoms for a while after going through traumatic experiences. I believe i "know how to heal" (i'm very careful with the terms i employed since i actually know nothing for sure).

I'm seeking opinions here: do you believe it is still important to get a diagnosis? Why?

I was recently taken off lamotrigine and put on Vraylar and I think it's working. My psychiatrist upped my dosage today to 3mg of it and he said it's that sometimes going to 3mg is not good and I would need to go back to the base dosage if there is not an improvement. Having Bipolar with BPD really sucks but I'm hoping this combo will help at least with the bipolar mega mood swings into depression and explosive anger. If anyone else can share your experience with Vraylar I would appreciate hearing about it, the good the bad and the horrible.

Find that I’m just super hurt, suicidal and irritated when they talk about their significant others.

Know I’ll probably never have a real relationship. Just makes life seem pointless

I’ve become the red flag for my green flag. She’s the best and I probably just imploded our relationship. I’m a fucking idiot. I can’t find myself anymore. I don’t know what I’ve become. But I’ll have to live with it by myself most likely. I will never be fit for a relationship again. I’ve been ruined. I wish I was a different person. I hate these ups and downs. Everything and nothing.

A few years ago my FP and I had a huge falling out and went no contact for the foreseeable future. This was really rough for me but with the help of therapy and a strong support system I realized just how much better I feel now that they are out of my life, and just how abusive they were to me (intentionally or not)

Well last week after years of no contact they message me, wanting to be friends again
And I KNOW I should have just ignored it
I KNOW I will be happier without them in my life
But I bit, and now we're talking again, and it's going well but I can tell my emotions are so much more dysregulated. I can feel the tightness in my chest nearly 24/7 and it fucking sucks.

I can rationally understand that I don't get much out of the relationship, and I can emotionally understand that while it feels so euphoric to get attention from them, that attention isn't worth feeling shit all day every day.

But I have such a hard time letting them go. I keep telling myself it's a good opportunity to practice DBT skills and get better at regulating my emotions, and that we can have a healthy relationship but even if I put in the work on myself, but idk if that's even a possibility with what kind of person they are and years of past baggage.

Mostly venting, but advice would also be appreciated (even though I know the right move 🤡)

he was everything, i fucked up and now i’m all alone. obviously it was bc of my bpd. i’m so depressed. we were together for almost 4 years. i miss him sm i feel so lost, like my life without him it’s so empty. i don’t know how i will get over this. he was my favorite person, hope he will be happy i cannot explain how i feel i miss him so much, i need him in my life

And I mutilated my body. I completely destroyed any progress I made through drinking instead of resolving my trauma. I hate myself even more now and I'm embarrassed. WTF is wrong with me!?