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Hi all,

My partner compared me to his other partner and I got really angry. I’d mentioned to him how I was feeling very jealous and insecure prior to this. I should have took more time out and cooled off but when we spoke about it I was still clearly frustrated, I said that this can’t ever happen again and that I can’t understand why he’d do that. My partner said to me if I am to have that kind of reaction again they will end the relationship, which is fair. I started therapy to work on my insecurities and work on communication. I also asked to practice parallel polyamory whilst I work on becoming more secure. However, this argument was a while ago and I don’t think it has been resolved. He has pulled away from me. I can tell he still doesn’t trust me and/or is holding resentment and I don’t know how to repair this. I think the relationship is over and beyond repair, what should I do?

TLDR: I have a horrible date then a man I’ve never met is remarkably emotionally supportive to me. 💜

A lot of what happens on this sub is people who have problems asking for advice. I wanted to share an experience I had with polyamory that felt like a glimmer.

I traveled a few hours away to the city to meet with a guy I’d previously met and had a lovely date with. I joined an online lifestyle group he invited me to, and there was a meetup at a bar. That was what I had traveled for. Long story short we got back to the hotel room and I realize mid-coitus that he doesn’t actually care about me, he just wanted a lay. The first date was so great so that’s why it took me a minute to catch up.

The man was so bad at it. He talked so sensually on our first date. He didn’t do anything to warm me up. He didn’t do anything to make it pleasurable for me. He finished, then rolled over and fell asleep. Didn’t say a word to me.

I was pretty upset at this point, crying quietly because I felt so used. There are more details to that end that I’m not sharing. I desperately wanted to leave the hotel room, but I was not sober and I won’t risk driving under the influence. I had friends tell me later they would have picked me up in the middle of the night. I didn’t think to ask, I wasn’t sober.

The last few weeks I had also started talking over text with two people, having fun conversations with them both. So there I am, crying in bed, and I have a text from one of them. He’s a night owl like me. I start talking with him and I tell him what’s happening. This man, who I’ve still never met, stays online and talks for two hours with me. He validated me, comforted me, made me feel seen when I felt so vulnerable, and genuinely showed up for me emotionally when I needed it. Looking back, it strikes me as an extraordinary moment. It was a glimmer.

He and I ended up fizzling out, mainly because of schedule constraints. We are still on each other’s social media and we sometimes interact with each other’s posts.

So thank you to the man I’ve never met. I’m rooting for you to have the best life. I hope our paths cross again.

I (34M) have a long-term partner (33F) and we are poly, we use the term anchor-partner for each rather than primary-partner and both have other partners and date. Last month we went long-distance as they are going back to uni and I've been finding the idea of them starting a relationship with someone new and that person becoming their anchor-partner or their most important person really scary. I'd love to hear from you all on the following:

What agreements, boundaries, or strategies do you have in your relationships that support you with the possibility of your partner creating a more X/Y/Z relationship with someone else?

What mindsets, beliefs, or strategies do you have for yourself that support you?

So recently me and my partner (were polyamorous) got out of a narcissistic abusive relationship. The damage done to me was massive, him i still don't know. He's been much more quiet about it. I've been doing all i can to self help, and grow, overall become a better version of me. (Who i was dissolved and i strive to be a healthier person then i was before. ) I've been reading polysecure, ethical slut and seeing a psychiatrist. I still find moments of feeling utterly lost, and my partner i don't know how better to suppoet him then to be better myself and give him space and support. He doesn't like when i push the topic, and ashley gives me massive amounts of reassurance for my own head.
Him and I are still primary, and long term permanent fixtures, and good riddance to the other that abused us. I do worry about his well being, and i don't think he grasps the level i was at fully. So I'm finding anxiety in it all. But striving to be more confident and secure. Please any book recommendations, thoughts or advice would be absolutely appreciated and welcome. Thank you!

I really want to find a life partner. It could be a monogamous thing or a poly thing. I think at this point I would prob need someone who at least is open to exploring poly bc I’m not sure how easy it would be to close the lid on the poly box now that I’ve opened it.

I’m in my feels today but it seems like everyone I meet and connect with is not someone I could build a life with. the men I click with are usually married with kids. Great guys that have their shit together. But they have their person.

Meanwhile the truly single guys I meet seem to not be a great. Conversation dies. They are too broke to even get drinks. They bring up sex way too early. Or we just don’t click

How does a single or solo poly woman find a man to “settle down with”. We can stay poly or be monogamous…but man I’m feeling defeated about the whole thing tonight

Sorry I didn't really want this tied to my main account, but my girlfriend follows me on there. My gf and I (both 20f) have been together for 6 months, and I haven't had other partners while with her because I wanted our relationship to be strong and secure before investing energy into another relationship. She's known I was poly since the day we started talking though, and she claimed she was as well. However, I'm starting to question this. She's never been in a poly relationship before and I saw that as a possible red flag, but it seemed like we were both very open and into each other so I went ahead with it.

The issue is, she's already jealous of some of my friends. It's not even how I interact with my friends, just the frequency. Let me be clear, there is no doubt that I message with her the most throughout the day, but she'll get upset when I spam my friends with memes and vice versa, if I text my friends while we're together, or when I hang out with my friends without her. I invite her to every event I go to, and I also invite her to go out with my friends pretty often, she just gets upset when I do it without her. But the biggest red flag that really made me question was this: we were watching a TV show a couple weeks ago with a polyamorous character and I said something to the effect of "omg I'm poly too!" and my girlfriend responded with "don't remind me." I didn't respond in the moment because I was like kind of like... huh? If we're both poly, why would she be upset at the idea of me being poly?

That last comment I mentioned really bothered me and made me wonder how she'd react if/when I found another partner and made me worry about the long-term. But I'm also planning on ending the relationship soon, so I guess none of this really matters in the end. I'm just kind of upset about the whole thing, because I get being poly is difficult and not everyone is sure if they are poly or not, but I wish she wasn't claiming to be fine with me being polyamorous and then putting me down for being poly.

Edit: meant to make the tag support, not advice

Im struggling to navigate my own needs while my crush (I'm in the early stages of dating them) is needing space to process a break up and has said he doesn't have the emotional availability to pursue a deeper connection currently.

The romantic feelings between us seemed mutual and there is a strong sense of desire from both of us to be around eachother. I want to be patient and give him the space he needs but I'm also feeling worried that ill be waiting for a long time.

I'm also nervous that he might just be enjoying the comfort I provide and once his heartbreak is more manageable he will realise he doesn't actually want to seriously date me.

I'm feeling anxiety and I'm worried about overwhelming him with my needs while he is processing stuff. But he keeps texting me and being friendly and sweet, giving me attention at gatherings. So I'm feeling confused about what boundaries to set.

How long do I wait, when there is an open ended uncertainty about whether he will be available or not?

Update: I did it. Went through with a full breakup. Oh god the guilt! I'd so much rather get dumped than do the dumping. Would definitely appreciate some guilt management tips

Going to my gf's house soon to ask for a relationship break until we can get into couples counselling.

Several times in the past I've gone to her planning to ask for a breakup and she's talked me out of it at the last minute.

I'm sick of my hot and cold feelings towards her - mostly caused (imo) by her being insensitive and then switching to charming whenever I've got one foot out the door - and I'd like some encouragement to actually go through with asking for a break this time.

She's said so many awful things to me. Compared my body to metas', told me to fuck off with no provocation, given unsolicited criticism on my outfits, shaming me for not taking my attacker to court as though any future crimes he commits are on me.

I feel so resentful, so done... but also so guilty for initiating a break. Please encourage me to actually do it. I WANT to do it, I WANT to be free of this, but I struggle so much when doing what's right for me involves hurting someone else's feelings

Posting from my alt. I’m really stressed about this.

My secondary partner and I have been friends for 10 years, together for under a year. I’ve been attracted to them for those 10 years but they’ve only recently become poly. We get along great, the conversation flows, the sex is good. We love eachother. I thought so.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer this past summer. They live two hours away and don’t drive so it’s been very few visits since I started treatment in January as I can’t drive long distances currently. The few visits we had have been lovely and they’ve treated me so kindly.

Well, the past month I have hit the beginnings of menopause due to the chemo. And I know my oncologist will medicate me to stay in it due to the nature of my hormonal-positive cancer. For reference I am 30 so this is very unnatural for me.

I just saw my partner recently and I didn’t feel attracted to them romantically or sexually. And now I still don’t. What is going on? Before I saw them in-person I felt great about things. Can menopause affect attraction like this? I feel awful about it - I didn’t expect this and I’m scared that it will continue. I don’t know what to do or say. I think they sense something is wrong. I’m trying to make sense of this while all these menopause symptoms are hitting me.

Can my menopausal/post-menopausal peers provide any insight?

Hi friends -

I don’t really have polyam friends irl, so I just wanted to share a happy day. My partners met and got along well! They hugged and laughed and no one felt weird. We even have a group chat and are talking about doing something together again soon!

All my monog friends just asked about a threesome, hardy har har. They didn’t get it.

My heart feels full and happy. In a sub that often has a lot of really negative posts, I just wanted to share a little positivity.

I (32F) have two male partners, John(35M) and NP(32M). I've been with my NP for going on 6 years now, and with John for going on 2, though I've known him since we were in HS.

My relationship with John is pristine. We communicate beautifully and have next to no issues, and when we do they are talked about as to become a non-issue. We don't live together, and I only get to see him twice a week.

Things are different with my NP, we don't communicate well despite that we are both Neurodivergent and have lived together for years. He tends to bottle things and then repeatedly bring them after over time. I've been managing his emotions for what feels like years. He won't seem to go and stick to therapy or medicating despite giving no reason not to. He just stops without word.

I have a couple examples. A while back NP complained that I don't text or send him pics of what I'm up to while I'm with J as I tend to do when I pick myself up a new stuffie or game. Send a picture to text to J that is. So, I started to do so more, and half the time he complains that I'm rubbing in his face basically that I went to Starbucks or something of the like without him.

I love my NP, he takes care of my AuDHD self when I can't, but managing his emotions and his jealousy that doesn't allow for me to do any other dating, is becoming hard to handle. Not to mention he just doesn't seem to care to do any self-improvement or reflection. Including not getting his license despite having everything available to him to do so.

Additionally I've found that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. I've spoken to him about this, and it seemed to become the center of his worry. I'm uncomfortable with him getting handsy, yet he tends to anyway.

None of what he does is with malice, I know that for sure, he just seems lost and unable to move himself forward. I'd love any advice pertaining to what I should do at this point. I don't want to lose him, but it seems more and more inevitable.

Hello all! Throwaway for reasons. Long post so sorry in advance.

So I (22M) am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (25M). Before anything else, I love him deeply. My friends and I joke that I manifested him into existence. If you could imagine having a checkbox of all the things you want in a man, he checks off every single silly entry on that list, even the most absurdly obscure ones for me. But more importantly than that, he is so incredibly patient, understanding, and gentle. He motivates me to be a better person and do more for myself and for him, and I am so thankful I have him in my life.

When we started dating, we were living in the same place and we had a heart to heart sort of outlining the non-negotiables/goals for us in this relationship. In summary, we covered things like how we would make a consistent active effort in the relationship (communicating our feelings, making a conscious effort to not slip into bad habits with each other, etc.), our communication styles, a plan to learn more about each other's traumas to know how to be sensitive with each other, etc. Among those topics, the idea of exclusivity came up.

Personally, I've never been STRICTLY attached to the idea of monogamy. At that point, I'd read maybe the first half of Polysecure, and while I was pretty certain I couldn't have multiple partners/would always maintain one primary partner, the idea of us sleeping/dating outside of the relationship didn't bother me. This was especially true knowing that this was going to be his first serious relationship, so I figured him having more experience (either sexually or romantically) with other people wouldn't be a bad idea. The only real objection I had to that idea was the logistics of getting tested after each partner to make sure we wouldn't put each other at risk. I'm extremely conscious about safe sex practices after some bad experiences in the past, so I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex without a negative result panel if either of us had had sex with others prior. That hassle alone, along with the fact that we were living close to each other, ultimately resulted in us being exclusive for those first few months of our relationship.

A few months after we started dating, I moved back to my hometown and we've maintained an exclusive long distance relationship ever since. We've visited each other just about once a month since then, with the exception being now, since it's been about 2-3 months since our last visit just due to our circumstances with work/school. The topic of being in an open relationship has come up from time to time since then, but neither of us has ever jumped at it or anything. Until...

The other night on a phone call, my boyfriend said he's been having some ideas/thoughts about being with other people, specifically that he might be poly. He mentioned that these feelings might be connected to just how lonely he feels these days not having me with him in addition to the stress in his life right now. I told him that's perfectly fine, and I reiterated (as I have before) that if he wants to pursue that, I wholeheartedly support him and think there would even be some benefits to him seeing other people (he struggles a bit with self-worth/anxiety, and I think him seeing other people might help boost his confidence both sexually and in general), and that my only "concern" would be getting tested before we visit each other and starting PrEP. At the end of the conversation, he told me that at the end of they I am his boyfriend and he is fully committed to me/fully intends on marrying me, and that if I wasn't comfortable with this idea he wouldn't pursue it. He made an appointment for a consultation a few days later and that was that.

A few days later the topic came up again and he asked what I would do should we open up. I was honest with him and told him that I truly have no desire to have sex with any other people. I 1) don't want to deal with the stress of maintaining my sexual health while having multiple partners and 2) feel so entirely fulfilled by just the thought of him being my boyfriend, it eliminates any desire for me to even think about being with other people. Like I said at the beginning of my post, this man is everything I've ever dreamed of and I truly couldn't want anything else in a partner. He told me this made him feel guilty, but I tried to reassure him that it shouldn't, that we are all different and I have the added benefit of having been with a lot more people (both hook-ups and relationships) than he has just based off of our upbringings. I think this helped him feel a little better.

Now the only problem is that since he told me he got tested and redownloaded Grindr, I'm almost feeling like I'm having a complete 180 on my stance and I'm not sure if it's just normal anxiety/doubt or if it's that I'm truly not okay with this going down. Now I'm having thoughts about what other people (parents, friends, family etc.) will think if they were to find out, about the prospect of him wanting to have a partner with just as much "priority" as me, doubting whether or not I'm a good partner and whether or not he'd be having these feelings if I were better/we weren't long distance, worst case scenarios of sexual health and how that might impact our relationship... The idea of him having the option of talking to me or seeing someone else and choosing to do the latter fills me with anxiety. These concerns have never popped into my head before and I'm worried that if I take back my "permission," that it'll affect his trust in me or make him feel invalidated/shameful for his feelings about being poly.

Reading the posts on the polyamory, openmarriageregret, and long distance reddit communities is just sort of adding fuel to the fire, though I think it's giving me important context to take into consideration here. It's making me regret saying yes outright and leaving me wishing we had agreed to maybe doing more research on it before saying I'm all for it. This also makes me feel like an asshole, though, because all throughout our relationship I've been saying I'd be okay with it.

Does anybody have any insight into this? Have they been through similar experiences? Is this kind of concern/anxiety normal before opening a relationship? I could add a bunch more details about other factors that might be affecting this right now, but this is the overall gist of the situation. I plan on flying up to see him next week, and I plan on us having a heart to heart about all this in person regardless. I love this man to the moon and back and the idea of us separating fills me with dread, he means everything to me.

TLDR; I've told my boyfriend I'd be okay with us having an open relationship since we started dating, now he has brought up that he thinks he might be poly and I'm starting to backtrack.

Just looking for different perspectives as I don't really have anyone in my real life I can talk to about things.

I (F24) have been in a relationship with Turtle (M34) for coming up to 4 years now, we are very long distance. I have known Turtle is married to Butterfly since we started talking. The past year has been rocky for us, I haven't been able to be with Turtle in person since May of last year and me bringing it up has been a source of guilt for Turtle which has meant we've been arguing a lot over it. From my understanding Butterfly doesn't feel able to have me visit again and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon. I've tried to find out what I did wrong the last visit that has lead to this change but Butterfly doesn't feel ready to talk to me about it.

I've tried to find a compromise, where maybe Turtle and I can have a weekend trip somewhere together or something of the sort, but Turtle tells me that's not possible either.

Turtle's life has been busier the past year, so he has less time and attention to give to me. I understand that, but it hurts. We've argued about that too; I ask if we can have more time together and Turtle tells me he doesn't have the time or attention to give to me. I recently had to make the decision to step away from our d/s dynamic for my wellbeing, because with less time together I don't think my emotional needs are being met in a way that that's sustainable. I feel like everything is crumbling around me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable in asking for more time and attention or continuing to ask Turtle when I can visit again. I love Turtle very deeply and I've been very open about wanting to build a life together, wanting to live together, I see Turtle as part of my family. Turtle has told me he wants those things too.

I don't know how much longer I can compromise on my need for physical affection and in-person time with my partner, but I don't know if that's just me not being very experienced with relationships and asking for too much. So I'm asking, am I asking for too much from Turtle?

Holy hell. These subscriptions and fees are nuts. This shit will drain people dry in weeks. Does anybody have success without paying? Are there better alternative apps?

hi folks. as it stands right now I am seriously entertaining the thought of splitting with an anchor partner for really heavy reasons. like, we have been in couples therapy and today is just the newest breach of trust in a long string of incidents. as of right now, my other partners have no idea. I think I'd like their support and I will ask them what support they feel ok offering. but so often I see people saying things that like, any amount of detail about other relationships is too much. I guess maybe I'm looking for anecdotes about you and stories of you splitting with people that were anchors for you, how much you shared, and how it ended.

TL; DR: I’m a hinge with NP (15 yrs) and boyfriend (2.5yrs). I miss my boyfriend constantly, and life with NP is safe, stable, and lacking. Is this just how it is?

The details

I’m a 38m, with an NP (40m) for the last 15 years and a BF (23m) for the last 2.5 years. NP and I have been ENM/poly for 9 years and this is my second serious relationship (1st was 4yrs long). I met my BF 2.5yrs ago, we talk every day, spend one night a week together every week, and take five or six long weekend trips a year.

My life is… fine. The relationships are parallel and in balance, in as much as we’re all conflict free and have established routines. NP and I had some bumps around his anxiety that I’d break up with him when the BF relationship was new and that’s settled down. We’re both gainfully employed, have friends, a house, a dog, we travel and go on outings and of course the usual NP life stuff. We’re family to each other at this point.

The BF and I are “sanctuary partners” and love the ability to turn off all the other facets of our lives and really be present together. We don’t ‘future trip’ and we talk a lot but also have a lot of comfortably (cuddly) quiet time together listening to music or audiobooks. We are very conscious of talking about the power dynamics and implicit hierarchy that comes with my life’s prior commitments and the age gap, and my BF drives our connection and my role in his life. He does want an NP eventually as well and dates but it isn’t a priority at the moment.

So the problem? I miss my BF constantly, find my self wishing I was with him (especially falling asleep every night) and I can’t stop thinking about what my life could/would be like if I was with my BF as my nesting partner. I know this isn’t who we are to each other and blowing up my stably married life isn’t a rational thing to do. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, and it isn’t that I’m comparing but when we’re together I can’t help but feel this incredibly intense desire to spend more time together and be ‘more’ to each other. I know that the relative scarcity plus the ‘sanctuary’ factor makes the relationship unique and different than it could be if we nested. I know also the infrequency of time together can make NRE last longer and for the last 2 years I’ve just chalked this feeling up to that. And 2.5 years in it may still be NRE but I didn’t have this before in my last relationship after 6 months or so and I’m starting to wonder if there’s something here that I need to listen to and not just ignore (which is what I’ve been doing because I don’t make major life decisions when intoxicated with nuerohormonal glitter).

Complicating matters is the slow evolution of differing relationship needs between NP and I. I’m very cuddly and sentimental and need emotional connection to sustain intimacy. He started that way, but it was always more me than him and those flames dwindled for him long ago. He knows my needs aren’t met, and his ENM life is non-relationship oriented (read: lots of hookups) and he doesn’t want another relationship and has said (many times) that if I wasn’t in his life he wouldn’t really care to have another NP. He loves me, and is very service oriented and communicative in how he shows it but there’s very little emotion there and nearly no physical affection but for the perfunctory kiss goodbye or goodnight (which is 95% initiated from me, same as all physical contact). I’ll get a hand-hold in the car maybe once a month. He falls asleep on the couch every night and comes to bed late. I can initiate and he’ll tolerate cuddles for a few minutes but always gets too hot or shifts away from me. I feel physically alone a lot when we’re together. I’ve raised the issue a bunch and the needle moves a little in the right direction for a short time but we fall into the usual dynamic again quickly. I know we need to do couples work on this but I honestly don’t hold out much hope and I’m not here to change who he is. The other parts of our connection are warm and sweet and high functioning but this area has me feeling really scared staring down the barrel of the rest of my life where I crave physicality and only find it very infrequently or only with another partner. In some ways I think he feels relieved that he’s ’off the hook’ because my BF meets these needs but it isn’t a zero sum game like that for me. Intimacy from one person (or the dog) doesn’t make up for it not coming from him. And this is non-sexual contact for the most part. Sex is 1-2/month, majority is unidirectional, and I always initiate.

In contrast, BF and I have incredible physical resonance. Yes the sex is great, but more importantly the spooning all night, hand holding every car ride, pat on the bottom cooking, side hug at the grocery store are so incredibly restorative and I feel so seen and loved by this it is overwhelming. We don’t have the deep history or shared social life or overlapping work domains that I have with my NP and I know this wouldn’t materialize if we were together more and I worry there’s unsustainability/diminishing marginal utility to endless days of around the clock cuddles and my logical side knows not to blow up my life for the sake of satisfying my skin hunger but my heart just isn’t on the same page.

So… is this just hinge life with relationships that are each very meaningful but ‘nobody can be your everything’? Is this still NRE talking and it’ll settle out eventually with the tincture of time? I’ve done individual therapy work to explore this and I’m planning more. I haven’t done couples work with NP and I want to (he’s declined in the past but is theoretically willing) but I don’t know what the yield on that will be other than stirring things up in a way that will be disruptive with no guarantee of improvement. So here I am asking kind strangers on the internet. What are your thoughts? Thanks for reading this far, and please share any ideas or suggestions or questions that come up.

Thanks!

CJ

—

PS: yes, there’s an age gap with me and BF. I was/am fully acknowledging of that and me and BF have thoroughly explored/continue to address the power gap that can come with it, and the issues around consent and individual agency that can get steamrolled for the younger partner. I cherish him and his wellbeing and I’m a big adherent to the campsite rule (per D. Savage-leaving a relationship better than you found it) so that’s the best one can do. There isn’t a predatory or exploitative dynamic of any kind. Also, I haven’t talked about these feelings or the relationship dynamics at play in my home life. It wouldn’t be a fair thing to do and he is under no impression that I’m contemplating any life changes. Honestly I don’t really know if he would want to ‘nest’ with and we don’t ever fantasize like that together (bc it’s not on the table right now).

I have a severly anxious preoccupied attachment style, and the hardships of poly can be quite overwhelming at times : throwing me into states of panic or complete disregulation. I wonder if it'll get better. Or if I'm the only idiot choosing poly regardless of my attachment issues.

To be clear, I experienced crippling anxiety when mono as well, and anyways mono isn't really an option for me because of how strongly poly resonates with me.

Hi all! I am new to poly. When I met my poly partner who I’ve been in a relationship with for 7 months now I was single and had been for over four years. I knew this poly thing was something I could envision myself in but I also figured it would be a hard emotional process for me. I wasn’t wrong.

I was upfront with my partner immediately when we started dating about not having been in a poly relationship before, not really knowing my way around poly and having an anxious attachment style. They were upfront with me about their partner and what poly meant for them. I committed to learning and doing lots of emotional work on my own and they committed to supporting me.

In the past months I have gone through a huge learning curve about myself, cultural relationship norms, the meaning of commitment and safety in relationships, you name it…

I have experienced soul-crushing waves of jealousy and insecurity and I’ve cried more than in the past 5 years combined. But I’ve also started learning to get in touch with my feelings and anxieties and insecurities more than ever before.

I feel like in the past few weeks something has clicked. I found practices that allow me to really dig deep into jealousy and the anxieties and insecurities it’s rooted in and challenging those. I’ve started to learn how to find safety in myself, with the help of loving support from my partner but not dependent on it.

For the first time in ANY romantic relationship (which were previously monogamous) I feel grounded and safe, not constantly anxious and I’m starting to believe, hey, I CAN have healthy romantic relationships and I deserve them. I also know while there will continue to be emotional hardships and setbacks, I can work through them.

I just feel super thankful and happy right now to have trusted my instinct with diving into poly when I met my partner. I met my meta one on one for the first time a month ago (she was abroad for a few months when my partner and I started dating) and on Saturday all three of us will meet up for the first time and attend a public event together. I’m nervous as hell but also super positively excited about this next step. I’m somewhere along the lines of demi-/greysexual and meeting someone I’m attracted to or want to date is super rare for me, but I’m also starting to feel like I’m ready to start dating new people, which is really exciting.

Anyway thanks for reading all of this rambling and letting me share my joy with you :)

So I'm (F22) in a mono relationship and my partner (M24) knows I'm poly. More so I'm selective and would only want 1 other partner etc. I found myself falling for another person (M) while with my partner. I'm debating breaking it off with my partner for their own health and mine. I know they'll never be open to it but I really like this other person. It's my first relationship where I'm openly me and we've been together for almost 2 years. I'm just scared it'll blown back at me....

Extra info: I've only full come to terms that I'm poly in last year or two. I've been in nothing but mono relationships and most were horribly toxic and I had to hide who I was for most of my life as a result plus the trauma. I don't plan to leave them go into another relationship. I want to explore and learn who I am further. I feel I'm more polyfidelty then anything. I learned the different types from a close friend.

My (33NB) partner (34NB) is currently sick with Covid. We don't live together. We were supposed to spend a couple nights together this week, but since I'm testing negative (despite having minor cold symptoms) we're isolating from each other (we don't live together). I dropped off some sick supplies earlier this week, and have been checking in with what support they need. So far they haven't needed much support at all.

Here's where I'm struggling: my brain is doing a GREAT job of telling me that my partner doesn't miss me/is relieved to have a "break" from me and that the fact that they haven't been texting as much is due to them texting their new partner (LDR that started a month ago and they're very much in NRE with them) and not them being sick. I have little evidence for this other than my partner not texting me much. I've been trying to tell myself this over and over again but I'm struggling to get out of this negative thought loop.

Things I've done to try to combat this:
Reached out to friends, cleaned my whole house, journaled, read polyamory resources, worked on hobbies, gone on hikes, spent time with my pets, scheduled therapy for tomorrow morning...I've been doing everything except reaching out to my partner because I'm trying REALLY hard not to put this on them while they are sick.

It doesn't help that we didn't see each other much last week due to random scheduling and I was looking forward to a little more time than usual with them this week only to have that suddenly taken away from me.

Things I'm looking for:

1. Reality check and yell some sense into me that my partner is just sick and needs space and time and that doesn't mean they don't love me or miss me.
2. Any suggestions for distractions that I can try.
3. Any advice about balancing asking for reassurance vs dealing with my own shit. I've traditionally really struggled with being vulnerable and it's new to me to feel so fucking anxious and needy (I've been poly for about 6 years now and have had partners with other partners before and didn't struggle to this extent).

Hi guys! I am new to poly in general and I would appreciate some help with information about what kind of "rule" you use when both of you in a same sex couple are interested in the same person. How do you decide who gets to pursue the potential relationship? Is there any other way appart from what it feels like a race to make the first move? Thank you in advance and sorry for my poor english, it is not my first language.

I entered into a relationship a few months ago my partner early on told me they were poly and it’s taken me some time to get used to the idea of my partner both loving and sleeping with others

I now feel not only comfortable but even very positive to some aspects of my “metamores” and even recently felt an odd happiness when one of her other partners did something sweet for her but on occasion I have these twinges of insecurity or anxiety usually revolving around a fear of being chosen over

I’m wondering if anyone else’s first experience with polyamory was that the person you liked was polyamorous and how you worked through it to your own form of ENM poly or otherwise.

Also if there’s anything someone does that helps a partner feel “unique” or each relationship to have something just for them? I don’t think I’m explaining that last part currently.

Me (37trans) and my partner Gorgeous George (49trans) have been dating for almost a year. Gorgeous George has two long-distance girlfriends who he’s out of town visiting right now. In the past I’ve struggled with feeling a drastic dropoff in communication when he’s visiting his partners, as well as getting sent videos of him doing kink scenes with other partners and his other partners texting me to cancel plans instead of him doing it.

Before this trip, he proactively reached out about negotiating communication stuffs so I wouldn’t feel negatively while he was gone. He’ll be gone for a week. I opened the conversation by saying my ideal was:

A) When texting, give me a heads up if he’s free to chat so I can manage my expectations around response time

B) Two phone calls

This is kind of when it went off the rails. He said that that was stretching him too thin, he couldn’t promise the heads up about timing, and that it was unfair to expect his other partners to be okay with the phone calls. His rationale was that I didn’t want him talking to his other partners when we’re having an evening together, my response was that if we lived together or were staying in a hotel for a week I would expect that he’d want half an hour to say hi to his other people while I was showering/going for a walk/whatever.

It ended up with him saying ‘It’s going to cause problems but if that’s what you want I’ll have to make it happen.’ I tried to see if he had a counterproposal, but he said no.

I’m pretty new to poly and now I’m doubting myself!! Were my asks way out of left field? Is it unusual to expect a partner to offer a counterproposal if your initial ask isn’t ideal for them? I feel confused, help!

Long lurker and I just wanted to anonymously celebrate that my partner and I came out to our parents today at lunch and they were very accepting. I feel so relieved because we want to include my meta at holidays and stuff. Hooray!! Good news of the day.

For context: I (39f) am married (48m) going on 20 years, we have dabbled in various aspects of ethical non-monogamy throughout our relationship. We have both dated separately and for a few years we were in a throuple. Over this time I have enjoyed casual relationships with my partners. I have struggled with romantic connections, until 3 years ago. I fell hard for my current partner (60m) he is also married. It’s been a whirlwind of beautiful experiences. Recently my partner and his wife have decided to move for both familial and professional reasons. It’s an amazing opportunity for them. I am trying to be happy. I know logically we can still continue our relationship long distance. However, I’m selfishly heartbroken 💔 Just the idea of not seeing him regularly makes me want to burst into tears. My partner is so reassuring and optimistic and my husband has been very supportive of my feelings and encourages me to express them openly. I know how fortunate I am and I feel so conflicted and emotionally immature for being so devastated. End emotional dump.

Me (35m) and nesting partner (32) opened up to poly a few years ago, she has had a few LDR since we started but never got to meet them in person.

The new partner she got she went to see him for the first time beginning of April, I had a very hard time with this, which confused me because of past relationships, and doing things with a third sometimes (idk if this is relevant).

I expressed my feelings and we all ( the 3 of us) had big issues for a few days, agreed to parallel relationships, cuz knowing was hurting me I suppose.

I've got into therapy to try to help, but just started so not yet, anyway the more time goes on the more it seems to hurt deep, seeing his chat.bubble on her phone as she shows me something or seeing a message with pet names cuz happenstance, sinks my stomach, I'm not sure what to do really, why is the relationship so different to me?? Do I need time to cope? I don't know but any advise would.be welcome.

TLDR. having a hard time with NP most recent relationship and not sure why or what to do

Just wanted to share some sweetness from last weekend. My husband and our kids travel several times a year back to our home state and one of those trips is for a huge music festival that we love to attend. This year, we invited my boyfriend (of almost a year) to come too and he was ecstatic to join! (My husband loves him and they are best friends, though not romantically involved.)

Our parents don’t know we’re polyamorous so he was introduced as our “friend” which was totally fine with him. We had the best weekend ever! The first part of the day was spent with the kids and family, walking around, eating delicious food, and enjoying the sunshine. We all parted ways to get some rest and reconvened for the festival nightlife. Imbibing festival punch, dancing with each other, running into family/friends I haven’t seen in forever… it was ELECTRIC! Then on Sunday, my bf attended family lunch, getting to meet everyone.

Being “home” with the two people I consider to be my heart’s home made me feel the most at peace I’ve ever been. If you would have told me five years ago that I’d be dancing at a festival with my husband and boyfriend, I would have laughed in Christian Evangelicalism. Life can be so funny and so sweet sometimes. 💙🩷💚

Me (25F) and my primary partner (26M) are poly and dating separately. I've been going on a few dates with others but recently I've been getting closer to one person.

Me and that person went out to dinner and the bar. Got back at 10:30 pm and my neighbor was outside in her garden doing yard work. I'm not close to my neighbor, we aren't even acquaintances, I know her name, I've brought her trash cans up to her garage for her as a favor but that's it.

Me and my date parked outside of my house l, we talked, kissed, planned our next date and my neighbor stops her yard work (once again at 10:30 at night) walks up to the front of the car and takes several pictures of us with flash.

While we were confused and our romantic moment was ruined, my neighbor goes to her porch and grabs her keys and gets in her car. We think she's leaving then she starts to back up towards our car. We think she's gonna hit the car but instead it looks like she just tried blocking the car in. She gets out and we look at her, even more confused and now kinda anxious. She gives us a disapproving look and a wave like "yeah, I see you!" Then just leaves.

If she says anything I'm gonna tell her it's nine of her business but now I feel awkward and really uncomfortable.

Edit: I would like to tell everyone that suggests just talking to her as a solution. She does not speak very much English, mostly Spanish like all my neighbors. She also has a weird history of being hella passive aggressive. Luckily I'm moving out of this house in a couple months.