Hi, OCD/Anxiety, scared 😣

I have OCD and fear hurting myself and had a fear what if I drink a chemical WTF??? Don’t think I did?

So some American guy randomly added me on Snapchat last month. I don’t usually accept people I don’t know but I was bored so I thought I’d see what kind of fake account weirdo they’d be. Turned out to be an actual person who just put in the wrong username.

Anyway, like I said I was bored so I entertained a conversation with him, he seemed pretty cool and we ended up talking like all day everyday for two weeks. He was on a work trip this whole time. He’d message me until 4am then be right back at it at 6am etc etc, and always very quick with his replies. At first I just thought damn poor guy must be lonely lol

Then he told me he was heading home and he didn’t message me for two days after telling me he was about to board his flight home. Since then he only messages me at like midnight or the ass crack of dawn. So now I’m thinking he’s not just lonely he’s also for sure married, right? Lmao

Probably relevant to say these were often really sexual conversations lol, on his side anyway. Sent me many, many explicit pictures and videos randomly between our chill, platonic conversations. I’m not one for online sexting or anything like that but again I was bored and he somehow always did it in a funny way, so I just let him go with it haha.

I’m not attached to him at all so his absence doesn’t bother me I’m just kinda putting the pieces together and he’s definitely coming up married with kids 😂

Am I reading too much into it, or?

I want to just block him (it’ll be easy to do so because we live on opposite sides of the world and we literally only know each other through Snapchat, zero connections outside of it) but I also want to let him know he’s not as slick as he thinks he is and to keep his dick in his marriage lmao. Thoughts?

Hey guys so ever since my classmate death that's all I thought about I had really bad anxiety thinking I was dying for the past month. Now I'm doing better but today I got kinda worse. My dad felt sick and it's making me scared. I keep thinking what if he is dying what if something is wrong with him because once I searched symptoms of death and it came up with the symptoms he had. I keep thinking about people parent that died and stuff like that I don't wanna think these things. I have thoughts about if I do this I'm gonna die or one my family members will but there things like I have to do. This is making me scared and I get a uneasy strange feeling. I don't know how to make either go away all I think about is my dad and his symptoms I get scared. I'm only 14

I also realized before the death thoughts and the death I had a uneasy feeling cause I had bad ocd thoughts. I still have the feeling and I truly believe I'm blaming that uneasy feeling with death.

It feels like im watching a movie it dosent feel real. It so scary.

Ik I have made alot of posts about this but I wanna know if yall get these symptoms cause mine are changing now and it scares me so bad.

Last year I got my gf a necklace for her birthday. I put a lot of thought into it and I’m not necessarily mad or anything just super bummed. She was out with her friends, I was invited and was gonna go but I have a final so I ended up not going.

She said she was running for an Uber and thinks she lost it at some point then, she actually went back outside the bar (she couldn’t even go into the bar the night of she forgot her ID), she asked her friends, and checked everywhere inside her house.

I appreciate her being so concerned and I know she wasn’t careless like it just happened, but I’m so bummed bc it was like 180 dollars for that present and now it’s gone plus it was a locket and had an engraving of our initials as well as a picture of us in the locket.

Like I’m just actually a bit bummed, idk how to even react. Just unfortunate I guess.

Pretty and gorgeous women already know they are pretty. Telling them( or repeating ?) what they heard throughout their whole lives is stupid.

Complimenting ugly women is also stupid. Some will even be mad at you because they have already low-self esteem and will try to scapegoat you /lash out at you for complimenting them. In a way, they are right: how stupid is a man to compliment an ugly woman ?

Finally, many women feel bad and can literally be angry when men they find unattractive compliment them( both ugly or pretty women. They get mad because you hitting on them make them think they are ugly while they have a high esteem for themselves in this regard).

No need as a man to get insulted over nothing.

Sorry if this isn't the right sub, but I wasn't sure where else it would fit.

I realise I've really over thought this, but once I get an idea into my head I struggle to leave it alone until I've "finished" it.

I made my list by breaking things down into sub-categories. Who is the witness, is the death violent or peaceful, and how involved is the witness in the death.

Person Involved -

Stranger - somebody who doesn't know you

Enemy - somebody who is happy to see you die

Loved One - a friend or family member that you are close to

Professional - somebody who deals with death as a part of their job

Type of Death -

Violent - a death involving a lot of blood/pain

Peaceful - a death that appears fairly painless

Type of Witness -

Intentional - the person is deliberately ending your life

Active - the person didn't choose to end your life, but they still played a part in your death and may have been able to prevent it

Passive - the person saw you die but was otherwise uninvolved

Discovered - the person only discovered your body, they didn't see you die

1. Unwitnessed/Undiscovered

e.g. Drown in the ocean

You are swimming alone in the ocean when you drown. You are far from the shore and nobody finds your body.

2. Stranger-Violent-Intentional

e.g. Murder (random, violent)

A stranger decides to murder you, they shoot/stab you and watch you bleed out.

3. Stranger-Violent-Active

e.g. Suicide by car/train

You jump in front of a stranger's car. They don't stop in time and feel responsible as you die violently in front of them.

4. Stranger-Violent-Passive

e.g. Jump from a building (witnessed)

You jump from a rooftop, and any strangers below you watch as you hit the ground and die.

5. Stranger-Violent-Discovered

e.g. Jump from a building (unwitnessed)

You jump from a rooftop. Nobody is around to see you fall, but whoever finds your body finds it in a very bad state.

6. Stranger-Peaceful-Intentional

e.g. Murder (random, peaceful)

A stranger decides to murder you, they poison your meal and watch as you fall ill and die.

7. Stranger-Peaceful-Active

e.g. Drug overdose with strangers

You are taking drugs with a group of strangers, who keep encouraging you to take more. You overdose and die in front of them and they feel responsible.

8. Stranger-Peaceful-Passive

e.g. Public heart attack

You are in public when you randomly collapse and die. Your death is witnessed but fairly peaceful.

9. Stranger-Peaceful-Discovered

e.g. Dead homeless guy

You sleep on the streets, but it is a cold night and you die in your sleep. A stranger finds you the next morning.

10. Enemy-Violent-Intentional

e.g. Murder (planned, violent)

An enemy decides to murder you, they shoot/stab you and watch you bleed out.

11. Enemy-Violent-Active

e.g. N/A

I can't think of a situation where an enemy would be present for your death other than murder. I've just included these categories for completion's sake.

12. Enemy-Violent-Passive

e.g. N/A

See above.

13. Enemy-Violent-Discovered

e.g. N/A

See above.

14. Enemy-Peaceful-Intentional

e.g. Murder (planned, peaceful)

An enemy decides to murder you, they poison your meal and watch as you fall ill and die.

15. Enemy-Peaceful-Active

e.g. N/A

Again, I can't think of a situation where an enemy would be present for your death other than murder. I've just included these categories for completion's sake.

16. Enemy-Peaceful-Passive

e.g. N/A

See above.

17. Enemy-Peaceful-Discovered

e.g. N/A

See above.

18. Loved One-Violent-Intentional

e.g. Illegal euthanasia (gun)

You want to die but are unable to commit suicide. You explain this to a loved one, who puts you out of your misery by shooting you in the head. (Of Mice And Men-style)

19. Loved One-Violent-Active

e.g. Rock climbing accident

You are rock climbing with a friend when you fall and die. They were on the other end of your rope and question if they could have saved you.

20. Loved One-Violent-Passive

e.g. Hiking accident

You are hiking with friends when you trip and fall to your death. They are unable to help and can only watch you die.

21. Loved One-Violent-Discovered

e.g. Suicide by gun

You shoot yourself at home, when your family comes home they find your body in a pool of blood.

22. Loved One-Peaceful-Intentional

e.g Illegal euthanasia (drug)

You want to die but are unable to commit suicide. You explain this to a loved one, who helps you to overdose/ingest poison and die peacefully.

23. Loved One-Peaceful-Active

e.g. Drug overdose with friends

You are taking drugs with a group of friends, who keep encouraging you to take more. You overdose and die in front of them and they feel responsible.

24. Loved One-Peaceful-Passive

e.g. Private heart attack

You are at home with family when you randomly collapse and die. Your death is witnessed but fairly peaceful.

25. Loved One-Peaceful-Discovered

e.g. Die in bed

You die in your sleep at home, the next morning your family finds you at rest. You look like you're sleeping.

26. Professional-Violent-Intentional

e.g. Death by cop/soldier

You are murdered by a professional killer. To them it's just another day on the job, they'll label you as a bad guy and move on with their lives.

27. Professional-Violent-Active

e.g. Death in surgery

You are in the operating room as surgeons try to save your life, but they fail and watch you die while their hands are inside you.

28. Professional-Violent-Passive

e.g. Suicide by gun (police witness)

You are cornered by the police. Not wanting to go to jail, you shoot yourself in front of them.

29. Professional-Violent-Discovered

e.g. Suicide by gun (police called)

You shoot yourself at home. Not wanting your family to find you, you call the police beforehand and tell them to let themselves in.

30. Professional-Peaceful-Intentional

e.g. Legal euthanasia

Your quality of life is poor, so a professional administers an overdose to put you out of your misery. You die happy.

31. Professional-Peaceful-Active

e.g. Failed resuscitation

You fall ill and die with medical professionals present. They try and fail to resuscitate you.

32. Professional-Peaceful-Passive

e.g. Do not resuscitate

You fall ill and die with medical professionals present. You have a DNR order in place so they don't intervene.

33. Professional-Peaceful-Discovered

e.g. Suicide by overdose (police called)

You take a lethal overdose at home. Not wanting your family to find you, you call the police and tell them to let themselves in.

Several caveats. Many deaths won't fit cleanly into one of these boxes, since they'll be witnessed by multiple people with varying levels of involvement. Also, I may have mis-categorised several of my examples - those aren't really the point of the list, I just included them to try and make my definitions clearer. I don't have a lot of experience with death personally to compare things to. Finally, I realise that a lot of my examples involve suicide. There's no need to worry about me, I'm not suicidal, I just randomly started thinking about finding bodies and got a bit too fixated for a while. Now that this is out of my system I'll be able to stop thinking about it. Thanks if you read this far.

Sometimes people do and/or say things that you cannot unsee/unhear.

Sometimes people will briefly show you a part of themselves to you personally, and it cannot be unfelt.

Sometimes things said in the open that seem benign to your group or collective are meant just for you alone to notice, and its not very friendly.

Sometimes people you trust will betray you.

Sometimes, someone who you think is a close friend will become your worst bully in front of others when you least expect it.

Sometimes, someone you love will see a mutual peer lock you into an abuse cycle of some kind, and when you decide to try and break out of it, and cut the mutual peer off, that person who you loved will continue to party with the person or people who abused you away, and even collude with them against you before you realize that they dont care about you either.

The electricity went out earlier and I got to use some. I pretended I was in Oceans Eleven.

That's all.

This seems to be normal for people to do, and someone recently did it to me (I knew they were joking/sarcastic) but it became a “sticky thought”, kind of like morbid curiosity now.

I keep thinking about just saying it, even to my mom (of course I’d say “just kidding”) but worry about a serious upset reaction.

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to say, especially to loved ones, it just seems mean to me.

I constantly have intrusive thoughts, and it always feels like they’re too easy to act out in thoughts, but I know there are real consequences in real life, so I feel restraint from actually doing so.

But like, where is the line? “F-ck you”? Calling your mom/girlfriend/wife the b-word or c-word but “just kidding”?

People say “I’m gonna k ill you” without meaning it as a genuine threat.

I’m 28, I feel like I’m just socially unintelligent, but also dealing with what feels like spiritual warfare (I can’t say I’m an atheist, but I don’t think I have God’s salvation and protection yet) and just this thought/urge/impulse seems to have put me on an uncomfortable/disturbing state of consciousness, like a different channel of reality, if that makes any sense.

Most people (probably even many Christians) just think I’ve been experiencing psychosis.

Whatever it is, it feels very overpowering, and I can’t even fully comprehend it, and I’m theorizing that it’s getting worse because I refuse to act on it.

I’m so messed up in the head, I’m kind of ashamed of it, especially if it results in me harming/upsetting others.

I’m tortured (sometimes much more severe than others) in my dreams too, nightmare and not, they’re so vivid and consistent, they seem SO REAL.

I actually woke up and all these clocking and popping was happening in my left year, it felt and sounded like something was in there. I held my nose close and blew to pop my ears, and that one ear was completely unaffected. And no, I was not paralyzed and I didn’t have any hallucinations.

I just want to be normal, and happy, and not a burden to anyone. I don’t want to be evil, I want to be good.

It’s war too easy to hurt and upset others, even unintentionally.

Reality is so confusing right now.

I’m afraid I have demonic spirits in me, I actually had an episode where I was controlled against my will when I was 13, and I have no idea what else that could have been, and also it stopped after I called out to God to help me and make it stop.

Why does life/existence have to be such torture for me?

It’s like I’m already in Hell.

What is this??? Am I a psychopath? Am I possessed? Am I “just evil”?

Please God help me.

Little less than 20 years ago my three best friends all died. At different times and different ways. Tragic all three.

One of them was the glue that kept all of the group of friends together. His death was like a bomb that scattered everybody.

I stopped trying to make friends after the third died. I am social with the people I know, but I do not feel like I have any friends. Nobody calls me to hang out or chat. The ones I make attempts with are seldomly responsive to my suggestions to hang out.

I used to be okay with being alone. Since turning 40, I am lonely and crave friendship.

I am as loyal as a friend can be. I am genuine and sincere. But for some reason, people don’t want to connect with me. It’s like I stink and don’t realize it.

My wife and I are DINKs - double income no kids. The few last friends we had had children and are now focused on the people they meet through their children (school, sports, etc). She is wonderful and she has a few friends that stuck it out. I just don’t want to lean on those relationships as they are more hers than mine.

We are considering joining a bowling league and the Elks Club just to have a way to put ourselves out there.

So back in high school I knew this guy, Gerald. He was something else. He was a good person but had absolutely zero motivation in life. His life consisted of weed and playing video games nonstop, hanging with friends from time to time. Got by school by copying off of people who's let him, personally I didn't care so I let him.

He was a senior and I was a junior at the time. He graduated and I kinda forgot about him. We weren't close or anything more like in tbe middle of friends and acquaintances.

Some time back, maybe 3 or 4 years back I got into my steam account. Never been the gaming type so never cared much about being locked out of my steam account. In my friends list I saw him, his account except as time has gone on his accounts "last online:" counter has just gone up and it made me wonder where tf this guy went.

Dude was massive into steam, he spent 5k on games and I doubt even if he had lost access to his account he'd just let it happen as of today? Last online 3526 days ago, yall do the math.

Searched the internet for him, I know he went into the army after high school but I've never been able to find him. I know he was active on Facebook but even that seems to have disappeared

My mom is a narcissist and on top of it she never keeps any of my personal life details to herself.

She loves to spread any news related to my life to all my relatives, I am a body conscious person and when I tell her not to share she shares with everyone. So these bunch of cousins and relatives pretend to tell me not to worry and give suggestions which I never asked for and I am so irritated that my mother can’t keep one thing to herself.

Right now I have closed off much interaction with her because when I talk usually some things slip out of my mouth unintentionally which I may regret later.

I want to keep a healthy relationship but it’s so hard . Any body else has faced this issues? As a person I feel I have to safeguard the information of my child and maintain their privacy and confidentiality. By my is exact opposite of what I think I maybe wrong but please share some pointers on if this relationship can work out or I keep her shut forever and make minimum contact to avoid unnecessary consequences for myself.

Without going into details, something that recently came up may obliterate my life. Like, to the point that if things go the way they might go, my family and friends might hate me, I may have no place to live, and I may even serve jail time.

I know how incredibly vague and severe that sounds, but what you are probably thinking I did or was a part of is probably not the reality. I played a minimal part in the events leading to this moment, and my “involvement” happened so long ago I cannot completely recall what I exactly did or did not do (hence why I am uncertain of how this will turn out). If I played a bigger role than I remember then all of the things I listed above, while harsh, I can accept as punishment. But I really genuinely cannot remember everything (and with anxiety, I keep having false memories popping into my head, clouding up the story even more).

With all that being said, how can I cope with the fact shit might hit the fan and I might lose everything?

Because for the last 24 hours, I have had this constant, horrible feeling in the pit of my being that I cannot put a label on. As a result I have been lashing out at the people who love me. I cannot be this way for however much time I have left living my regular life (which isn’t a fantastic one, but it’s far better than what I’m predicting will happen to me).

Also, I’m not here to share details of the events that occurred, and I don’t want to see people comment to be more optimistic. At this point, it feels like fate is flipping a coin, there’s just a chance this could either go radically against me, or in my favor.

I really just want to know how I can keep living, knowing that it may all be cut short because of my past idiocy and shortcomings, paired with a shit ton of horrible luck.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I think a lot of wisdom can be gained through having lived a long life with lots of different experiences, but for some old folks it seems that time has only served to solidify their backwards thinking more and more until it’s practically cemented in them.

As an utterly stupid teenager who has never smoked, I took 5-7 shots of vodka and hit someone’s pen 3-4 times. I then had the worst mental experience and puked a bit on the host’s bed, and some of my classmates had to take care of me til I fell asleep.

Some juniors were there and word spreads like fire at my school. I don’t know how to face anyone. I apologized and extended my gratitude to anyone and everyone who had to see me like that. I promised my parents I wouldn’t get intoxicated and I broke their trust. I apologized to my mother already. What do I do from here on out? I still absolutely regret letting everyone down… this was such an embarrassing experience

Last year I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that is causing my heart to destabilise and break. Last week I felt extreme pain in my chest, I could barely even breathe or stand straight. I made it to the emergency room miraculously and it turned out that my heart was swollen. After a while things were getting better. I was so certain that I was going to die that night though. I’m keeping up with my doctors but I just think my case is deteriorating. I think my doctor was cometicising his words to let me know there’s a chance it’ll happen again, potentially deadly. I’ve been feeling really bad lately because of this. I’m dreading the increasing likelihood that I will die alone and no one will be there when it happens. Just imagining collapsing alone in my place in total silence. Every moment just feels like it’s going to be my last. It feels like I’m saying goodbye to my life without ever living it. I have no one I can talk to about this, not even my family whom I don’t want to bother for many reasons. Thinking that I will be gone in total silence makes me really, really sad. It’s hard to imagine a short life lived without any impact or mark whatsoever.

The hospital couldn’t notify anyone because I seriously have no one. They eventually informed my workplace and that’s it. If I died last week, no one would’ve known until days later. No one would miss me, no one would be sad or affected. I’ve been trying to reach people whom I upset in the past to let them know I’m really sorry. That’s the best I could do now.

Omg <3333 he’s amazing & I had an amazing time, I was a little worried going into it because I didn’t feel the third date as much for some reason (I can think of a few reasons related to me working prior and my nerves)

But we walked around, we had fun banter and convo, he’s SO good looking like AWOOGA, he’s so kind/considerate and interesting and smart!!! We held hands while looking around, the first time I grabbed his hand though he had the cutest smile on his face… I’m melting my heart fluttered whenever we held hands

It’s just going so well I’m like please don’t let there be a catch!!! I feel like such a lucky girl to be spending time with someone who’s this great’

Been meeting this girl for a few months, i've known her for longer but she was in a relationship in 2023 and has been single this year. I moved on after she said she was in a relationship. We have recently been meeting up since about March time, but i don't know if she is interested in something with me or just using for attention.

I have made my intentions clear but she says she we can't have anything, she is going back to her home country next year in Spain. I connect really well with her and we have chemistry even though she has previously said its just friends, she denies the flirting yet gives signals anyway.

Recently the signals have been stronger. Before she would only meet for an hour and not want me to touch her, but for about a month she has been okay with me touching her face, neck and arms even before i told her i was seeing someone. We have been to another city on a day trip. She gives ideas for us to go out somewhere like a bar. She comes from a conservative family and i'm not saying this reflects on her personality or that she is virtuous or promiscuous, just saying what she has told me. She has her boundaries but recently she has let me touch her.

I told her i am seeing someone. We met a few days ago and in a bar she wanted to leave to get home and i wanted to stay more, i held her by her thighs to pull her in and she was okay with this touching, I touched her a lot that day but didnt go for the kiss as a few months ago she rejected my advances as i barely knew her, and there might be a mental block about kissing her? How can i get over this?

Is she just wanting attention? I don't know because she seems like she wants to meet up more and do more couple activities and behave like a couple. She bought me food and a drink on our recent meetup. She doesn't call our alone time dates, but says we are meeting up. She's very attractive so im sure she has options so why waste my time just to meet up? Like I said i don't buy her anything or give her compliments, i tease her and we have fun together. But we act like we are dating so what is going on? I don't buy her anything, i've stopped complimenting her, we vibe good, i set my boundaries, yet she shows signals of wanting more, she looks at my lips when we're out at a bar. So how can i make a move?

Thanks

I (26F) have had a few guys ghosting me in the past and, luckily, none of them have returned. But what if I’ve been ghosted by someone I HAVE to keep seeing in person? Unlucky me.

This man (28) and I met at work —not the best place, I know! We’d been friends for about a year before he asked me out for the first time. I liked him. He was funny, hard-working, had a gorgeous smile. We made out. The following day, I got a text from him: “I don’t have time for a relationship right now.” That was most likely an excuse, but what did I know? Of course I kept seeing him at work. It was awkward at first, but we managed to continue being friends.

Two months later, he shyly approached and said, “We should do something this weekend” - I could tell he was scared of my reaction. We went out. Jokes, deep conversations, some flirting… I texted him later that day saying that I’d had a lovely time, and asked if he’d like to go out again. I knew he was going to be on holidays for the next couple of weeks, so I thought we could spend some time together. He said yes. I asked which day worked best for him, and… he went full ghost mode.

I didn’t double text. At first I was confused and hurt, then I was just turned off. He seemed so mature and honest by the way he had handled things the first time... But nearly three weeks had passed by, and there were no signs from him. I knew: he was no longer interested.

He came back to work after three weeks, and talked to me as if nothing had happened. He even joked from time to time to make me smile. He didn’t get a single reaction out of me. I know it probably made me look like a b*tch, but I felt like I was being mocked. He ignores me for days and then acts all kind and funny?? Sure, I could have confronted him about it, but I don’t care anymore. Also, it’s not like we have privacy at work. AND I don’t have the energy to teach a 28 year-old man basic decency.

Is it just me or these people are completely nuts? It’s scary how normalised this behavior is.

What are your thoughts on ghosting/ghosters? Any experiences you’d like to share? I’d love to read you guys so I feel less alone 😅

pagkatapos ng isang linggong pagkain ng karne at walang exercise, nag flare out na naman gout ko. bedridden right now and cant go to work. joints are tender and very painful. right now im taking paracetamol for the pain and febuxostat for the uric acid. i hate this.

I had this thought the other day, and today; I can not listen to music right now, I'm too tired and have to work soon.

But, if I were to listen to Witches by Alice Phoebe Lou- and really dance and bop and bump to it, and sing every lyric with heart as if they were my own or my loveliest friend's making- (How many other people on earth are doing as I do?),

And if only I, and all the other people on earth who were singing it-Could see and talk to eachother, how many of them, would yearn to be my friend, as I yearn to be theirs?

Maybe for many, loneliness is a visibility problem- Maybe we could've formed one-on-one beautiful friendships with, or even form a warm community of, thousands.

We just never got the chance.

Iam ugly ? i kinda start to feel i may look bad or not that attractive. I go outside,socialize,occasionaly drink,workout and still nothing. I had some chances but always it somehow got fucked. This is how i look: https://imgchest.com/p/a846xbalw4x

I feel so emptied out. My butthole feels smooth and my god is it a glorious feeling.

I think it’s because I have OCD and my ocd causes me to overthink, overreact, and have delusions sometimes. So I’m not sure if that’s the case or if it’s part of it. Anyway, I’m dealing with a lot, I can’t even pinpoint it to break it down for a better understanding. I’m just struggling.

So me and parents aren’t on good terms. Even though we don’t get along we behave cordially for the most part. Long story short they used to be people I trust till I got older and realized how messed up they are. After I started calling them out on the things they do & did to me, they started turning into different people.

So I’ve been thinking of cutting them off for 5-6 years now. The only problem is I deal with so much internally, I’m just afraid of dealing with it alone even though I have for years. It’s just if I cut off my parents I will be more aware of how alone I am. They never really helped me emotionally, so they're just there but they’re just placeholders for comfort, they don’t do anything.

For that being the reason I tend to depend on people it’s becoming weird to me. I’m an adult now and I’m supposed to be able to handle most things by myself, yet I always ask people for help, I won’t even try for myself before asking for help.

Now I do this because it feels good to have people helping me. Make me feel like I matter so I’m not alone. The only issue is I’m non self-reliant. I am semi-codependent, I’m just asking for help from others. Now I know it’s not a bad thing to ask for help when needed but most of them aren’t needed. It’s getting to the point that I’m self-conscious about my decisions now.

So How can I even think about cutting off my family when I believe in the future when I get my place and finally become independent I won't be able to handle what is needed? But In reality, I can handle pretty much what is needed, I’m just now afraid that something bad will happen and if so, who can I have in my corner for emotional support?

I hope this makes sense if not; summery. I’ve always been lonely but not alone. I’m afraid of becoming alone because then I would have to face the fact I’m lonely. Because of this I subconsciously depend on outsiders like acquaintances and strangers to help me cope. It’s getting to the point where I can’t decide on my own or/and second guess myself. I want to better my independence so I can be able to cut off my parents who are nothing but a nuisance in my life, cause they aren’t really help just some there to make me feel like everything is ok.

o describe myself, i'm a 22F, I am known as someone who is shy, quiet and STUDIOUS.

My whole life i've been struggling with self confidence, mainly coming from my looks, my personality and the way my mom treated me.

I have been struggling with acne since 6th grade and I had so much pimples people would call me pimplehead. Even when there where like exercises at school about describing another person and when they had to describe me, it always had to be like "she has blonde, long hair, blue eyes and pimples". Now that i'm older I luckily don't have as much anymore, but i'm definitely still struggling with them.

In school they always described me as the quiet kid, which has always annoyed me soo much. Like I get it, I may not be talking that much, but why the need to put that label on me right? Because of this I didn't have any friends, I only had one friend who was in another class and didn't see much. Highschool was definitely not a pleasant place. The only thing good about me then was that I got good grades, with this I don't mean highest grades, but never failing for a test.

Now elders and my friends, only think of me as a studious person. It's like the only thing that's going on for me is studying, because of this I have always been pushing myself too hard.

My mom is someone who has always been comparing me to older people, she was also someone who didn't let me behave like a child in highschool, because to her i'm already mature at that point. I always got "Her kid is only 11 and can cook already" "Her kid keeps the house squeeky clean everytime, when I come over it's soo clean there" "Her kids have the highest grades"... "Why is this soo difficult for you" "If you don't learn to cook and clean now, how are you planning to ever get married" So you get it.

So since I got into college, I have not been getting good grades. I'm studying nursing, which is a three years study, but because I keep failing my exams I have to study two extra years. Before this I studyied something else for one year, but realised that I really don't have interest in the major as much as I thought I would have

So i've been putting all my time in studying, my roommate is always worried about me about working too hard. I literally almost don't go outside and meet my friends once every 3 months. Have never tried dating anyone, because i've always wanted to hold it off untill after my degree. In vacations I study and when I had free time I tried to work, mostly to pay of for my student housing, but also because my parents keep pushing me "to not be lazy" and to go outside and work when I got the time.

This year when I reached my 3th year, I had been working every vacation, I had failed exams to retake in summer vacation and had to work in a hospital 2 months after. After summer vacation I got soo burned out and demotivated that I told my best friend that I really can't take it anymore, that I hate my life now and feel nothing of enjoyment. I dream of not thinking about school every single day, about getting money and going outside for a walk. Nursing is soo hard and I just keep failing, while studying was the only thing people would say i'm good at. Then in march, I could'nt even study anymore, nothing could bring me to study or even go to my lessons to school. It got that far that I realised that this degree is just not for me, I kept changing my study methods and talking to teachers, but I don't fzel it anymore.

I broke out crying one day, telling my friend and she understood me completely. After I gathered the courage to talk about it with my mom and she got mad. To her it was like i "suddenly" just wanted to stop one day, just because i got "tired" of studying. While I definitely gavd her sole signs of wanting to talk about it, but she was always too busy or did'nt take me seriously. After she did'nt talk to me for three days, I had to bring her flowers and then we made up.

The most difficult part about keeping up with studying was that I live in a student housing and my dad decided to pay for it. With the money I earn myself with working I buy al the food, train, bus tickets, shool stuff, ... So my parents also got really mad, because of the fact that the money given for that student housing would have been for nothing if I just stop studying. They are asking me for what they payed every time. But also how could I have known it would turn out like this?! I also was stressing about this and it's not an easy decision for me too.

Mind you, I don't want to stop studying. I told them I just need to take some time of from school. I need some time to rest, to think about this degree. I am not sure if I wanna purseu nursing again or do something easier. Every week I kept crying in bed having these thoughts, they just kept on haunting me. Every schoolday, i had tasks in my mind that I should work on. It had been eating me alive.

My mom loved to tell her friends and family about my grades and my studies and this put soo much pressure on me. Whenever I failed a test they would ask me about it, making le super self-consious.

In the end, I decides to take 3 months off school after talking about it with teachers, I also have made an appointment for therapy, I don't if that will help.

But now it's been 1 month, and my mom keeps telling me that if I stop with nursing, that I have just wasted my 3 years for nothing. And keeps asking me what is so difficult for me, she says that people stupider than me can easily get degrees and does'nt understand why I can't.

I just want to cry, I always feel like i'm getting too old when I see my friends already done with college, while i'm only 22.

I really feel like I have nothing going on for me, I am not a great communicator, don't look great, cook averagely, never clean good enough in her eyes, now the only thing I had going on for me "studying" is also gone. I'm a quiet person, who hasn't reached anything in life and is never good enough. This is my main isseu, I literally can not see anything good in myself, i'm always lacking.

My closet is an absolute votex. I couldn't even open the door all the way. Usually, when cleaning my room, anything I don't have a place for I yeet in the closet, so there was mountains of stuff in there. It doesn't help that there are often spillages from my drinks, and candy that's been rotting there for months.

Since finals week is over, I decided to get my summer clothes out of my closet. I dug out some summer clothes, and most of them I put in my laundry pile, but one of the dresses I found I put on right away because I couldn't wait. I then sat on my bed in it.

Hours later, I was still on my bed, browsing Reddit, and I was feeling itchy. I didn't think much of it, but then I noticed a centipede crawling right next to me.

I'm literally going to deep clean my room because I'm too spooked to go to bed now.

UPDATE: After putting my sheets in the blanket, I realized I was out of fabric softener. God help me.

Righties don't run as much of a risk of hurting themselves on heavy machinery because most of the equipment was for right handed people. I feel disadvantaged a lot in my life because of being LGBT and autistic, but I'm glad atleast one aspect of the mainstream applies to me, too. Not to mention the struggles of students who can't find a lefthanded desk on their first day of class, or searching high and low for a manual can opener? Thank goodness I didn't have to worry about that, also.

I want my wife and kids to see me as their god. Is this common? Me and my wife work remotely and our kids will be home schooled. We will live in a big house with a big yard so it won't feel like a prison. I will be the only one with access to the outside world and the family I create will see me as their GOD. There will be statues of me around our HOME.