I believe in monogamy, not having sex till marriage(religious beliefs) and being faithful to my wife. But God is this shit boring as fuck! 15 years, probably average like 3 times a year. This was the fucking dumbest choice to get married expecting lots of sex. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Hope some of you in this sub reddit are having better luck than me. I know life and relationships aren't just about sex, but this was a fucking let down. Marriage and having kids, and a job, life just fucking sucks.

Peace!

Imagine being drunk and having to come to Reddit because your husband prefers his hand He would prefer to wait until I am “asleep” Use his hand and be happy? He watched me in my new panties? Used his hand. Watched me get undressed, ran to bathroom and guess what? Used his hand. I have so many guys wanting me and I turn them down because I am married. Ha. Married to a guy who is married to his left arm.

I’m so stressed. Feb is a hard month. My birthday (where I’ve asked for, and expect nothing), then v day, then her birthday. I’d love to shower her with romantic gifts and heartfelt cards saying how much I adore and desire her. Instead I’m trying to walk the tightrope between “see I didn’t forget or scramble at the last minute” and “don’t worry, I don’t expect anything to happen.”

This last week has been miserable. I’m truly spiraling and some days I just want to blow it all up. Our dog died on new years and it really feels that thread of connection has been severed and now I’m just waiting until she’s ready to leave.

The worst part is I’m so desperately in love with her. I genuinely have such a crush on my wife. She’s intelligent, funny, physically she’s classically beautiful and effortlessly sexy. She’s been my best friend for the better part of a decade.

Life without her would feel empty, but I already feel so hollow. Like a shell of myself. I know she loves me, but i wonder if she’s ever been in love with me.

I am 31 and wife is 29. Our entire relationship since high-school I've always initiated sex. Always. Lately she's been telling me I need to finish in x amount of time. We don't foreplay anymore, zero oral, barely kiss, And when we do it's mostly doggy style and "hurry up". So about 2 weeks ago I haven't even asked. I been chill And now I get guilty attitudes from her about the littlest things. I'll politely tell her relax idk why your getting so angry and she immediately blames me.

I work 45 hours a week, Watch the kids mainly, Fantastic cook, Literally the only one to clean the house, Work out pretty regularly, lost 100lbs in 2 years.

Idk. Just feels like I'm the only that does anything for myself, everyone in the house and relationship. I'm not saying she's lazy. She watches the kids when she's not doomscrolling. She'll send me funny sexual memes pretty regularly. It means nothing. Idk, I'm pretty sure she'll never ask for sex.

No I'm not divorcing. Kids are too young, been there experienced that. I will bite the bullet for them. But that's a long time to be stuck in a dead bedroom. If I talk about it, she literally turns off.

I need to know if I do this, will I get what I dream, or will I just feel selfish.

My girlfriend(34f) and i(35m) had sex every single day, multiple times a day, for two and a half years. For the past two years we have had sex maybe three times. We went to a therapist, she claimed a time we were drunk and i tried to instigate sex resulted in her feeling raped even though i didnt penetrate or anything. Ive worked to try to earn back her trust and try to show her i would never force myself on her and that i want consent from her and i say that i want her to want me. Its queered our relationship so much, we dont kiss anymore especially not with tongue, if i try to instigate sex in caressing or romantic ways shes mad i even try and calls me a rapist for rubbing her arm, she expects me to do her dishes and clean up the entire house after her(she literally has turned a bedroom into her personal junk room where i hound her to organize her stuff but she just keeps getting clothes and stuff and just piles them in disarray for no shit, like two years) and treats me like the relationship is servant and mistresses but she isnt rewarding me for anything and i feel like the relationship has been constant service and attention to her with no recompense sexual or otherwise. It seems like one night two years ago of me being pushy sexually has given her the ability to threaten me with calling me a rapist if i dont comply with her will. The saddest thing was the therapist asked her if she loves me and she said she doesnt know then the therapist asked why shes even here then and she said in all earnestness that she likes the financial support, going out to expensive places and being treated like a princess. The therapist looked at me with huge eyes and said do with that what you must, i think the therapist cant say “run” out loud but shes given me gestures i really believe mean that. I told her she couldnt go on a tour run with my band one time and she threatened to leave me over it, even though i had no power to make that happen. She threatens to leave me whenever i dont do what she says or agree with her. I should say that…im a bitch and i grovel and ask her to stay when she leaves. I understand that ive made some serious mistakes in our relationship, my pushiness with sex or expectation of someone elses body has completely killed what was a great sex life. In apologizing and taking extreme accountability to her of my actions it doesnt change anything. She literally trys to find ways to make herself a victim and then guilts me into doing things (pretends to stub her toe on my shoe left out, and then says that i can make it up to her by doing her dishes and cleaning the kitchen). I know that shes manipulative and i know that her claiming me being pushy sexually was rape in this one instance is her over exaggerating a situation so she can be the victim and get her way but im trapt in this relationship pretending were trying to fix trust issues, but i dont trust her. Shes constantly pretending to be a victim of her situation and never takes accountability when its obviously her fault, she makes grandios arguments that change the narrative of events to suit her victim status and i feel held hostage by her behavior. I need help getting out of this because i not only have to push her out of my life but also get ready to contend with the lies and over exaggerated allegations she’ll propose. I want to have sex again but more than anything i just want a connection from someone who isnt constantly trying to con me and manipulate me into doing things for them whilst only valuing me for my ability to earn income and give her things. I thought we’d heal, gain back trust for each other and learn to be intimate again. Its not happening, shes literally just using my agreeableness and self accountability to lord over me. Im pretty dependent even though i shouldnt be how do i get out of this?

I’ve seen that many people here have had to deal with a libido imbalance in their relationships for years, often resulting in sex rarely happening or being unenjoyable and making people miserable and resentful in their relationships, so I’ve come to ask for genuine advice from the community.

I (HLM25) have a problem with my GF (LLF24) where she never initiates sex, like ever. We dated for a while in college before having a bad breakup and then got back together again around a year later, and have been together since then, so dating for around 5-6 years total at this point. During the time we were together in college, I kind of ignored and pushed down how much it bothered me that she didn’t ever initiate or ask for sex, but I chalked it up to a gender difference and me having a higher sex drive. I thought this way until we broke up and I slept with other women, where I saw multiple examples of other women initiating sex with me in the bedroom. This was a welcome surprise because for a while, I legitimately just thought that most women operated in the same way that my GF did (as I hadn’t slept with another woman before her).

So when my GF and I did get back together a year later, we had a mini honeymoon phase where I was just glad to be back together in a healthier relationship than we had before. Until about a year and a half ago, when I started to feel really disconnected from her and didn’t know why or didn’t want to think that my dislike of her not initiating would make me just feel less connected and attracted to her overall. I have since spoken to her several handfuls of times about how I’d really prefer that she initiate more, and explained that it’s affecting me and indirectly affecting the energy/spark of our relationship. I asked how I can help her to initiate more. We’ve since had several discussions over the course of a year, some turned into big blowup arguments, where it boils down to her saying that she doesn’t feel turned on until she’s in the act of sex. So she wanted me to help her out by doing more to rev her up over the course of the day before the night (i.e. come up behind her and hold her, cuddle on the couch, give more compliments, etc.)

I’ve really worked on consistently doing those things over the years and she’s expressed that she appreciates it, and sees the improvements, but she’s still not initiating. She has many times written this behavior off, saying that it’s normal and “her friends don’t initiate” (and only asked 2 of them), and has kind of been using this as a crutch for her to see this as a problem that she doesn’t really want to solve. It feels like she cares but doesn’t care enough or have enough sex drive to want to initiate, and just feels like she’s thinking, “oh if he really wants it, he’ll initiate and I don’t even have to really worry about this because I don’t know how to change this.”

We still have sex about twice every week to two weeks, and I feel like I’ve done a lot to ask how I can improve sex for her and implement that into sex (talking dirty and being more vocal, getting her off with plenty of using my hands and oral, and just a lot of foreplay in general which she says that she really enjoys), I really don’t feel excited about it as much at all anymore, and I always still initiate sex. The most she has ever done to consistently ‘initiate’ on her own is put her hands around my hips and give me a hug while looking into my eyes, but will literally stare at me and wait for me to then make a move, which is honestly pretty annoying because it doesn’t even really feel like she’s trying.

So I ask for any and all advice. We have a long history, and work very well together as partners in many other ways, but this is becoming a big problem for me, and continues to make me question my attractiveness to her and my own self-worth. What advice would you give me to try and get her to initiate more? Is this something that can ever change? And is it something to just break up over?

Hello everyone, I just joined the sub because I am 25HLM also in somewhat of a DB situation or at least headed that way. No initiation from my wife 23LLF.

I noticed that there is this general negativism in the sub. I was really hoping that I will find more success stories here than just rants and unhappiness.
Anyhow, Nice meeting you all.

I’m just curious.

I assume almost no one is subscribed in r/DeadBedrooms just to express how much they love their DB and to share their pride in celibacy.

I also assume that almost no one calls “2 days without sex” as DB. It’s been years that you are sleeping in a DB.

So… If you are unsatisfied right now, you have been like that for years, and it’s likely that you’ll remain unsatisfied for many more years to come, why are you still in a relationship?

Is it the kids? Fear of being alone? You simply think divorce is inherently bad or inherently wrong? What’s so strong that keeps your relationship going?

Hello DB, it's been a long time since I posted and I wanted to update.

When I let go last year, and allowed myself to love him completely without expecting sex our entire relationship dynamic changed.

THIS MAN IS EVERYTHING. I cannot begin to describe how he's changed my life. Our relationship grew over time, he put in SO much work on his mental health, and with every month we got closer and closer.

I used the 20 sided die a few times, and then we both got so habitual with wanting to spoil each other it became our default. That retired set of dice brings me so much joy. Just knowing that we both made lists of 20 things to do for each other and we were both excited? Progress is such a beautiful thing, and it leads to hope. Hope with the wrong person is dangerous. I am so lucky that I met the right person.

A full year we prioritized our relationship and it has been amazing. The sex? Consistency is 2+ times a week, but that's the least interesting thing about our sex life. The emotional intensity and vulnerability is mind melting. The joy, the laughter, the pillow talk, the entire experience is finally something we both surrender to. He's my best friend. 🥹

We married last year in private. I am the luckiest woman in the world, and this man is so delusional because he thinks HE is the lucky one.

If two people are a good match (I'm talking best friend connection), I truly believe nothing that team puts their mind and effort into is out of reach. I truly believe I found my soulmate.

I can't wait to head home, make us a hot drink, and curl up on the couch to watch anime together.

Deadbedrooms Community: I love you guys for the support and perspectives you gave me. I have hope for you all. Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long. 🖤

Is there an online support group for these kinds of relationships? Or something similar. Looking for someone to talk to, about DB itself to everything and nothing.

This relationship is making me feel so isolated, and its hard to talk to friends about this.

Remember as we head into the weekend, you are more than your partner's willingness to validate you.

Remember that you're not a bad person for wanting your needs met in your relationship.

Remember that someone's inability to show up for you in a relationship doesn't mean you're not worth showing up for.

Remember that the reasons you're staying or not causing a fight are usually real and tangible (eg. kids), and you can't show up for those good reasons if you're in your head about your SO.

Remember that you can do a little something for yourself this weekend.

Remember to model decent behavior to your SO, even when they frustrate you.

Remember that you're not the only one in this boat.

I am 21, and she is 19 (20 next week) It was a weird relationship and weird feelings. Her and I were more friends than anything, and moved really fast. I had met her about 9-10 months ago, started getting serious the same month and she moved in within two months of us meeting. We would kiss and cuddle and what not but barely did any actual sex acts. I think we had sex maybe 3-4 times the whole time she lived with me? But weird thing is she would offer oral all the time. Just randomly offer oral, but would never want to have sex, if we were in the moment and I try to take it further, it would instantly end right there. But we still communicated and had at least some affection, then about 6 months in she just stops being affectionate, there were times she would straight up tell me she didn’t like me. And I would be like what is the point of us being together? And it would be uncomfortable silence. But then a few days later she would be all up on me. Strange. Some days it felt like I spend all day with my best friend and I’m lucky to sleep by her at night. Others felt like I was forced to be uncomfortable with a stranger all day, and at night on those nights, yeah it was like sleeping with a stranger. Sharing a bed with a stranger. I think about it a lot since it was my first serious relationship. Wondering what I did wrong, why she would like me one day, he next it would be nothing.

There was a lot wrong in the relationship but that was just part of it.

So , been in a dead bedroom for years. Once , maybe twice a year and it's not even enjoyable as it's just sex by numbers. My wife just has no interest in sex at all. I swear she'd happily live without it. Anyhoo, our kids are now older and last night we had house to ourselves for first time in I don't know how long. I didn't even ask for sex. I just said let's gab some drinks and watch a movie. Now I have a theory on my wife, she'll only drink when I am not around and I firmly believe it's because she doesn't want to let her guard down and do something they'll regret, like be affectionate. She's been doing this for years. Anyway, she straight away said I'm not interested in having a drink. So I dropped it. Thought maybe we could watch a movie. After dinnerI tried to give her a cuddle and there was no response at all,she just pulled away. Feeling a bit deflated I headed to theatre room to watch TV. I thought she might come in at some point to see about the movie. Nope. She just sat in other room watching TV, then had a shower and went to bed. Never said two words to me. She essentially pretended I never asked. In fact, it was like she was angry with me for asking. I eventually went to bed, then she got up and moved to spare room. She's the mother of my children and I don't want to leave, but that was brutal. Our first alone time in years and she just totally rejected me. I also said do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow night and she said only if the kids come!!!

I (HLF) and my partner (LL) have been together for 4 years. And they are an incredible romantic partner, but the one habit they have that ticks me off, is that they like to rile me up and turn me on, only for nothing to happen.

My partner, knowing how easily they are able to affect me, will put on heavy flirting with heavy gropping, teasing and touching, only to just leave me hanging.

This happens frequently and because we don’t have sex often, and constantly being turned on and nothing happening, I’m starting to feel a little crazy.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is probably their way of getting sexual fulfillment, and that I am not responsible for their ED but I just need to get f*cked, so badly.

Feel free to use this thread to complain with me :)

Not gonna mark this as positive progress. Not until a few months go by, and see if this actually has a chance at turning around.

In my last post, I mentioned how my LL husband isn't good in bed the 2ish times a year I get the duty sex. So I decided to say some kinda harsh things that are true, thinking it would finish killing the bedroom off, and his limp attempts would stop.

Well, to not get into all the details, my dad was really ill, was hospitalized on dec 23, sent home on hospice with a week at most to live on the 7th. I went to stay with him and my mom from the 7th until this past Wednesday. He passed on the 20th.

Onto the husband part. He has been NOTICEABLY trying to initiate, in ways that stray from his boring routine. And I turned him down every time. That was during the past 2 weeks, and once about 2 months ago. He claimed he has tried consistently for the past few months, but I don't reciprocate. Anyway...

I came home sunday night to pick up some meds and visit with him for a few hours, and for the first time EVER... He actually decided to open up after another failed attempt at seducing me. He said he wonders daily why I don't make out with him. Why I brush him away when he tries to cop a feel. It's weighing on his mind really bad. My response? Because I had to teach myself to not be turned on or even let myself be turned on by you, because you do those things, even get a hard on, and instantly roll over and go to sleep. And at this point... I don't ever think you are going to go through with it, so why entertain the idea?

Anyway. We talked about it. I mean, actually talked. It wasn't me talking AT him for once. He has noticed I am pulling away. And where as before my whole dad thing, I was set on leaving... he did so much for me and my dad in his final weeks. We ended up having sex. The best sex we have had since we have ever met. Not great, but good.

I don't know where to go from here. Is this hysterical bonding? Is he actually noticing how serious this is for me? I asked him how long this has weighed on his mind. He said a few months. I told him to imagine feeling that way for 7 years, because that is what he has put me through. I think that actually hit home for him. Will see if it actually makes a difference I guess.

Anyone else just reject their partner. Like because it’s been so long you don’t even want to. I’m not even talking about bedroom times. Just kisses and cuddles and affection. My husband had stonewalled and silent treatmented for so many years over trivial things, I always welcome cuddles days after or weeks after when he decided I had been punished enough. This time I have said no, I begged him to stop this behavior. He didn’t. I don’t want a hug goodbye or kiss in the morning because he will just take it away from me again. Don’t get me started on intimacy. I can count on my hand the amount of times that’s happened since we have been married. Am I totally detached, is it the end? I take our kid out and get hit on all the time. I look young for my age and I am in very good shape. Is this why I don’t care? Because I know other men will want me? I don’t know. Ugh. He won’t discuss it. When I try, I get a list of terrible things I am ranging from bad mother to bitch to insane. As a medical professional - I am sane.

I am 44f who had been in a DB relationship for 10 years with 43m.. there was a little sex in the beginning but he ended that almost as soon as we moved in together.

We had one instance where he wanted to shower together and there wasn't any penetration but that was about the closest thing to sex that happened in 9 years. He got to the point he would only kiss me on New Year's Eve, and even that stopped about 5 years ago,

I had offered for him to sleep with other people if it was me.. he often told me I ruined sex for him and that he had slept with over 150 people before me.

All of this to say.. I am still processing the trauma and hurt of years of not feeling wanted at all, and how much that fucked with my mental health and self esteem.

The thing that messed with my head the most was that we met on Fetlife.. we're both super kinky... it's like he took the most high drove person and decided to see how much damage he could do

My life is still pretty intwined with his, but I took a break from the relationship, one that now feels good to pursue permanently.. I'm talking to a new FWB now but taking things slow enough.

Just not sure how to not trauma dump this whole situation onto a new person that I really like...

Reminded me why some of us, or at least me, choose to stay married, knowing what we(or I) chose

When Iooked across the table, did I want to see the man that both loved me and disappointed me in equal measure, or an empty chair?

My wife was home from work, and the kids were at school, so it was rare occasion where we both were home and kids weren't, so I told her we needed to talk and let her know I wasn't happy. She feels the same way, it turns out, so we didn't even get into the specifics of why (for me, it's always been the widely divergent levels of desire for physical intimacy between us,)and we came to an agreement about the transition and division of stuff, finances, etc..

We 'work' together really well, which was part of the issue; our marriage was just logistical convenience, and nothing else. I don't feel any sense of relief, at this point, as I agreed to live in the house (in a different room) until the summer, when the kids are out of school and me moving out will be more convenient, just kind of gutted. We've been married 12 years, together for 15, and have 3 kids. I'm also understand the timing for moving out, but I know that it means any real sense of change, or freedom, or w/e is not really going to happen until months from now. I've been divorced once before, and as horrible as it was, sitting down in my own place, devoid of my ex-wife's influence, and stuff, gave a kind of weird release and hope for the future.

At least there wasn't fighting, but I think we've both been thinking about this for so long that we independently came to a 'what's the point' mentality about that.

I've posted here before, but I'm in one of those moods where I just need to vent. I honestly don’t even know if anyone can tell me what’s really going on, but I need to get this out.

My husband and I have never had sex, after being married for almost 2 years now. We’ve tried, but he just wants to go straight to penetration and not have foreplay. I’m a virgin, and I might have vaginismus—something I’m working on—but at the same time, I’m not even sure if that’s the issue. Every time he tries to penetrate me, my body tenses up and just won’t let it happen. I think I’m just scared of penetration and not relaxed enough to actually go through with it. It's strange because in general he is such an artistic, sensual person and a perfectionist so I would think he would want foreplay.

The thing is, he doesn’t initiate sex. And when I do, he skips any kind of foreplay and jumps right to trying to penetrate me. He doesn’t kiss me, touch me, or do anything sexual beforehand. I keep thinking that if he did all of that, it would help me relax, and maybe we’d actually be able to have sex.

It’s such a messy situation, and when I try to talk to him about my needs, he just gets defensive and angry. I even asked him why we can’t at least kiss passionately or make out, and he said it’s because he vapes and doesn’t want to gross me out. I told him I’m not grossed out, but it didn’t seem to change anything.

We talked about this last weekend, and it turned into a huge fight. He started bringing up all of his life stresses—how he’s not where he wants to be financially, how overwhelmed he feels, just everything. I know he’s stressed. I can see it in the way he barely sleeps and even breaks out in hives. He’s 50, I’m 38, and he says he has a high sex drive… but that’s not translating into actually having sex.

After the fight, he came to bed, cuddled me, and told me things would get better. He said he’d give me the passionate, animalistic sex I want, that I shouldn’t even worry about it because I’ll “get so obsessed with him and beg him for sex.”

And yet… here we are.

The reason I haven’t left him is that, outside of this, he is genuinely kind, considerate, and loving. He shows me so much affection—cuddles me all night, holds my hand while we sleep, constantly hugs me, kisses my cheeks and forehead. I do feel like he really loves me. He’s also incredibly thoughtful and hardworking, and he never does anything shady. He’s always home, has no problem with me handling his phone, and I know he isn’t cheating.

But I’m still so sexually frustrated and honestly my husband is the only man I want to have sex with. I find him so sexually attractive and I just wish he felt that with me. It's weird because I know he is sexually attracted to me--he gets an erection easily when we are together and we can both feel the sexual energy between us but as soon as that happens my husband tries to leave turn away from me and not engage. I'm so confused.

And to be honest, I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel insecure about how I look, and I know he’s aware of it because after our last fight, he even acknowledged that I’ve felt this way since we got married. He said he doesn’t want me to feel like that and that he’s mindful of it.

I guess I just feel so confused and even stupid for being in this situation. I don’t know what to do.

This is an update from my previous post.

You can read it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/67Tj523WfF

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented and engaged with me. It was very helpful. Some of you had excellent advice. There was more than a few comments that got me to really self reflect and do some deep thinking.

While thinking on it I realized I was focusing too much on myself. I kept harping on what was making ME unhappy. What “I” wanted to be different etc. One users comment stood out to me that focused on her perspective and it clicked. I’m being selfish.

So. It’s not dead anymore. I wouldn’t say it’s this steaming hot bed of passion. That would be inaccurate. However, it’s more regular and I’m trying to do what I promised when we got married, put her needs first.

Overall, there more progress to be made. But things like this take time.

Thank you to everyone who gave me objective and honest feedback. You really helped more than I can express.

My bloodpressure was on the high side in 2019 when we had a year or almost no sex because my wife was pregnant and we had our son. Didn't complain a single time because growing a baby and giving birth is pretty hard work, but i was still kind a stressed about it and I missed the sex (not only PIV but there was nothing sexual for almost a year) even I found my wife very sexy when pregnant.

But oke it was what is was, got some bètablokkers and everything was fine healthwise.

At that point sex came back we had sex maybe twice a week. I felt very relaxt in that time period. Also BP dropped and i was giving the green light to stop medication. At the time there were no notable lifechanging events like jobchanges or other things going on so must have been the sex??

Another kid and unfortunately another sexless year and BP was high again so back to meds. Baby was born and after a while sex came back once a week BP dropped again and of the meds.

Now we are in a DB again I dont know exactly why but she's just totally not into it like so many spouses here. We have sex once every month/2 months. BP.is high again and overall I feel stressed and have to use the bètablokkers again .

Emotional I am ok with the DB (not angry of sad on a conscious level) but seems that my body and mind is still suffering from the stress it generates on a subconscious level and can't accept this new reality.

People here with similar stories how the DB impacted you making you (literally) physical or mentally sick?

I’m HL32 she (whatever don’t know anymore) also 32. Married+1. Been dead for a long while.

Had a huge fight two weeks ago and she blurred out “I’m not attracted to you” had a few days of almost silence between us Unless it’s related to the kid. And now it seems like we’re back on neutral ground. I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything she does, every time she touches me it keeps coming back up. I used to think im not bad looking but now I can’t even change my shirt next to her. I feel pathetic. How can someone say something like that to their partner if they don’t want to leave?

I don’t want to leave but it stings so bad, kind of stopped hoping for things to get better. Thanks for reading.

Most romantic day of the year. Falls on a Friday so it's perfect for a romantic dinner, exchanging cards and gifts and then getting rejected yet again. No, thank you.

I've been married for 5years, together for 13. DB for 1.5. I've tried everything I can for him, support, ed meds, initiation, conversation, etc. he doesn't communicate with me, about anything. When I initiate a conversation to address my feelings and confront our issues, he denies, turns the table of me, gaslights and always leaves the house. Sometimes he stays out all night. I don't feel like I can live with this heartache when my supposed partner doesn't put in ANY effort. Our finances are not good and I don't know how that would affect a separation. I don't know what to do and would appreciate advice.

Hi, my husband (20s M) and I (20s F) have been married for just over a year and have been together since 2019. We started having sex about 2-3 weeks into dating and I was admittedly much more emotionally immature than he was at the time. I was going through a lot with my own individual health at the time and was going about talking about our burgeoning sex issues the wrong way. About 2-3 years in, we basically stopped having sex except for once every month or 2. We still have it about that often, but he has admitted to me recently after probing that he has begun to resent me somewhat and has largely given up on initiating sexual contact because I was unclear regarding communication early into the relationship and nothing we tried had worked. However, I recently reached a breakthrough where I realized exactly how damaging my early behavior was for him and our relationship. Just FYI, there is literally nothing else wrong with the relationship; we get along amazingly well and have a wonderful relationship otherwise, and we regularly spend time together cuddling and other non-sexual but intimate activities. Other than this major issue, there is nothing else that’s worrisome.

I believe it is possible for us to fix this together after profusely apologizing and letting him know that him not talking about it is unhealthy and that I’ve come to terms with the fact that my earlier behavior made him push me away sexually (when I was originally the one pushing him away), but we talked about it today and he seems, reasonably, less willing than I am to try and work towards a solution. All of that being said, we have an extremely strong emotional connection, and both of us are still attracted to each other physically. We are very in tune with each other in every way except sexually and he told me that he does not resent me all the time and feels bad about his resentment, and I reassured him that his resentment makes sense and is largely due to my own behavior. He said that he will believe my behavior will change when he sees it.

With the whole backstory in mind, how can I do my part in trying to turn this around? There has been no talk of ending our marriage and we are both religious and take our vows seriously, so I’m not interested in doomer takes if possible. I know that just sitting on his lap and making out with him, while that would work in a situation where our sexual relationship was healthy, probably won’t work the way it does in many marriages. Has anyone had experience being on my side of things and managed to nurse their sexual relationship back to health? I love him so deeply and don’t want to lose him, and I also don’t want him to feel trapped in a marriage that becomes more sexless over time. What would y’all suggest regarding how to help him become more receptive to the idea of sexual contact without trying to force it out of nowhere after I spent the first couple years of our relationship not realizing my selfish behavior was damaging him mentally? Again, telling me “give up, you’ve ruined it” won’t be helpful to me; positivity from people who have been successful and giving me some ideas will be. Thanks

Hello DB group

Discovered this forum on my main recently. So thought I’d make an alt to try to participate. I’m finding this sub is so informative and reassuring that I’m not alone. 40s HLM here who’s in a sexless marriage.

Thanks to all who make this sub what it is. Hoping to add some details to my situation when I can build up the courage.

In the meantime, I’m happy to be a confidant to anyone else who is also struggling.

Keep your heads up!

So.....we finally did the deed. I (HLF35) have been waiting for this moment for a while. My boyfriend (LLM35) initiated it 2 days ago. He rarely ever does. It's always me and I usually get shot down or told "yeah we can do stuff" and then it never happens. He had the day off work, our daughter fell asleep for her nap (she's 1) and the minute I got her in her crib he was ready to go! It caught me off guard but I don't give a shit cuz I'm always ready to fuck him lol. Any time any place! It was amazing but embarrassing because I had an orgasm in about 3 minutes lol. I crave him all the time. I keep getting flashbacks of it happening. What I'm worried about is......I want us to be like this all the time. I don't like going months without sex. Have any of you finally had sex and then you're worried it goes back to dead bedroom for months, weeks, years? I'm trying to be optimistic and not over think it. I'm honestly just glad it happened at all. Ive missed his dick in my mouth, and him inside me! I think I'm going to initiate again tonight when he gets home from work cuz it's all I can think about now. I just don't wanna scare him off.

So I (M30) am kind of at a loss now. When we first got together my partner (25f) had a very high libido and when we had sex she would orgasm multiple times through PIV/oral or literally anything. Then during COVID we both dealt with a lot and as a result she started to have a dip in her libido due to depression. Her depression was so bad I convinced her to go on anti depressants so she didn't kill herself. Then her libido became non existent. We worked through things for years and she's now off SSRIs and has been for about 2 years. Her libido has never returned, when we do have sex it's planned in advance so she can take a day or so to "get in the right mindset" for sex. Most of the time she says she will be ready for sex the following evening and then she doesn't even acknowledge it when the time comes, not even a not tonight I'm not feeling it" the odd occasion we do have sex, maybe once every two months, it's the same thing every time. Missionary until I cum and then I use my fingers to make her cum. She doesn't want oral. Doesn't give oral unless it's foreplay. Doesn't want to talk about things. Doesn't seem to actualy want to change and just fobs me off with excuses or gets emotional until I drop it. I'm beyond frustrated at trying different approaches to initiating, asking if we can work on things or get couples therapy, sending her things on Instagram to do with low libido so that she might work on it herself. And absolutely no change at all.

This has turned more into a vent than I planned. Obviously I'm more frustrated than I thought.

Is there anything else I can try to salvage our relationship, to help her get her libido back to more than once every 2 months? Or do I just admit defeat and change both our lives forever by breaking up, sell the house etc all because of a lack of sex?