For individuals and couples that are interested in finding ways to help themselves or their partner possibly be more interested in sex..

recently bought a red light therapy mask for at home use for the health benefits associated with its use. I just got it a few days ago but I’ve been researching it like crazy. The red light increases blood flow, opens capillaries, stimulates cel growth and normalized hormone levels and helps to decrease fluctuations. Using it is non invasive and actually really relaxing. For anyone who is living with a LL partner in their life, or anyone who is LL and wants to improve on that I think this is worth a shot. Just wanted to share this, I’d include links but I think you’d be better off simply googling about red light therapy and its benefits and reading up on its potential to stimulate arousal and pleasure!

Hello! I am married from 5y now, and lately I am not really involved sexually with my husband. I mean we always have sex but I don’t come or feel really excited. It happened that an old friend started sending me videos of his genitals and him coming but I just stopped talking with him and blocked him. The thing is that after that occasion I feel more excited and sex with my husband is the best!! I am starting thinking to find someone to have sexting with because I think it can just improve my relationship and sex with my husband. I am not interested at all on physically cheating on him, it is just the idea of turning on someone that drives me crazy, I feel like sexy. The problem is that it is like cheating. My husband has a really old mentality and I tried to talk with him about it or to have something with someone else together but he started screaming and almost crying so I had to say I was joking. What should I do?? Please just real help

In the words of Elsa fro Frozen, let it go! No more guilty feelings for seeking e-companionship. My bedroom may be dead when my wife is in it, but since she has slept in a different bed in a different room for two decades, I’m calling my bedroom alive!

So I was thinking, is my LLH aware that he is not showing any affection or welcoming any intimacy at all? Or does he know and doesn’t care. I wonder because I go through life and pick up on social cues very well. He, on the other hand, does not. He is very bad at that reading emotions and any subtle behaviors. Yes, I have told him how I feel and we have discussed and did therapy… things got a little better and then eventually we got back here. Constantly bringing it up, is exhausting. I feel like he just doesn’t care at this point. Still unpacking that but just a thought. And before anyone DMs me with the “are you ok?” Yes, I am just fine… just making an observation. 😊

So from at least three years of DB situation, I, 33F, am wondering. Hy (maybe ex)bf (39M) complained previously (many years ago) about me not being keen on spontaneous sex. That was back when we could at least talk about problems in the bedroom.

So I’m wondering if it’s really a problem for HLM? Like, when you initiate, do you even think that a woman may need a shower first? Or shave her legs for example.

Also, apologies for details, but do you really expect women to give you a blowjob without you going to shower first? I see here many HLM expecting a woman to do it in a car. I used to give him bj every time we had sex - I actually like doing it - but I’ll only do it when his bits are clean.

P.S. I can’t say our DB in purely my or his fault. He has low T, I used to have no sex drive due to OC and then clinical depression followed by SSRI. As it stands now, I’m HL, he’s LL. Almost a year without any sexual act at all.

Dead bedrooms kill self esteem, i think thats why so many of us stay for so long - we think we definitely can't do better if not even our husbands/wives want us.

It's not true.

People outgrow eachother and often times letting go is less painful than holding on. Theres no point in staying in a relationship with no passion or intimacy.

You tell yourself "i'll give it another year" - but thats one less year you could have with your future spouse who actually loves you.

You say "i'll stay for the kids/till they grow up" - but anyone with parents who didn't love eachother can tell you thats more damaging to watch than a seperation.

You say "breaking up would be too difficult" - but you know you need to start untangling your life from the person who makes you miserable.

One day, when you're sitting in your new apartment alone, surrounded by boxes of your things, you will begin to rediscover who you are now - and then find the person who is truely right for the new you.

I have been thinking about how generally beat down I am over the dead bedroom, how it has sapped my confidence, lowered my self esteem and made me feel resentful and ashamed. I am ashamed my wife wont have sex with me and I am ashamed that I am such a doormat that I put up with it.

Now it’s possible that I hide it well, and it’s also possible that it’s been this way for so long that she does not even remember when I was upbeat and confident.

But I wonder about this, and I think it boils down to three options.

She does not even notice. She is so checked out that she does not notice how sad I am and how the dead bedroom contributes to my sadness.

She notices but does not care. That’s worse. Does she get it but does not care because her wants, needs and problems are so important than mine? This is certainly possible. She does have some legitimate problems that take up a lot of space in the relationship.

She notices and likes it. Sex is about power. Her not having sex with me is her flexing her power in the relationship and she likes power and control. Me being beat down and sad keeps me in line and stops me from having the confidence to leave or cheat. I mean that kind of makes her an abuser in a way, but I think it’s possible.

So what do you guys, my fellow dead bedrooms sufferers think of this and where do you think your LL partners fit in with my little trilogy of unhappiness?

My LL wife of 35+ years had a light case of COVID last week, so as a precaution we isolated this Thanksgiving week too and I painted the kitchen which has been on her list all this year.

She was super happy with the result and feeling very chipper and well rested after two weeks spent laying around in her PJs reading books, playing her games on her iPad, talking on the phone, and watching movies with me when I took a break from my work-from-home job and painting task.

Today, the kitchen was finished, cleaned up, and looking refreshed. I'm working in my home office when she just came in and said, "I know you want sex and I know it has been a long time. I feel good toward you, but I just don't think I can get myself there. You aren't mad, are you?" I just shook my head no, and relieved, she happily skipped off.

I'm not mad, and I'm glad she acknowledged our sex life at all. I'm just numb from the lack of intimacy especially when she is feeling good toward me and we have the alone time and opportunity. I used to do "choreplay" as that was a reliable method to get her in the mood, but that stopped working as we slid into a dead bedroom about six years ago. I still do my share of the household work and all the repairs and improvements, but it no longer gets her in the mood for sex. It was never an expectation, but it used to be a nice bonus of shared intimacy over a job well done.

It has been months since I have even seen my wife's underwear (outside of a laundry basket) much less anything more intimate between us, (unless you count the high-five I got for finishing the big painting task). Now, I'm looking into 2025 before I'm guessing she'll even entertain a thought that conditions may be fortuitous again for an intimate interlude.

I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous, and I desire her strongly. My libido is as high as it ever was and I would like to have sex with her multiple times a week, but even a regular once or twice a month would be nice. She knows well about my feelings, but somehow the conditions are rarely right for her desire to spontaneously heat up.

When I try to discuss our lack intimacy, she gets mad and tries to shut the conversation down.

No real point to my diatribe, I guess. I just felt like talking to someone who understands what this feels like from either side of the fence. Thanks for indulging me.

My husband (38 m) and I (60 f) have only been married 6 months. He is originally from Nigeria and we meet online. He’s the kindest, most understanding man I’ve ever known. I was in an emotionally and manipulative abusive marriage then single for 20 years. I didn’t date a lot, but not from lack of male attention. I would always go slow then at the first sign of a red flag and I was gone. I worked hard to find my peace, have a quiet and loving home where my grown children, family and friends were always welcome. A home where there was no fighting, no yelling and no slamming doors.

I’ve never been attracted to younger men, but my husband was so different. Wise, intelligent and accomplished beyond his years. We met during the pandemic and since I was working from home, I had plenty of time to talk. I honestly tried to step away from him because of his age and distance, but never because of an inkling of a red flag. I figured we would never actually meet, but I really enjoyed talking with him. We would FaceTime every day. I would work from home and he would go about his day while on FaceTime just to be in each others’ presence.

After a year of talking every single day, I finally gave in and went to Nigeria to meet him. He was exactly the same person IRL as on the phone. I have always had a higher sex drive although for me there needs to be a connection in order to enjoy it. Casual sex is empty for me. Anyone would find him attractive, he has always had tons of female admirers since he was a recording artist and performer before the pandemic. He has a large following on social media and lots of DMs that he has never hidden from me. He’s blocked several women after we were together because he told them he found love and they would not give up. He has never been sneaky with his phone, leaves it where I can see it and his manager and his sister (a popular professional dj who I’ve come to love) have access to all his social media. Anyway, he’s never in more than three years given me a single reason to doubt him.

He uprooted his life, left his homeland and his family, including his 15 yo son to be with me. His mother and sisters are raising his son since his son’s mother has been out of the picture pretty much his whole life. My husband has always provided for his parents and his son, even paying his tuition at private schools.

While I was in Nigeria for about a month when we first met, we did not have sex very often. The first day I was there, he took me to a beautiful dinner and we sat outside at a resort talking and having a drink. Back at the room he gave me the best foot massage I’ve ever had then finally what I was really waiting for. He was passionate and very giving. And every time since he’s been more focused on my pleasure than his. Half the times while I was there the complete focus was on me.

Months later we were talking and I told him I wanted him every day while I was there. He said that he didn’t want our relationship to be just about sex, that he wanted each time to be special. But that if he knew I wanted him that often, he would have given me more. So I thought that if we were together again, it would be more than once or twice a week.

Now, two years later he arrived and we were married. We did the Fiancé visa, so we had to marry within 90 days of his arrival. The sex went from once a week to maybe once a month. We talked and he explained that he’s taken a hit because he’s not been able to work or earn money. That He would feel more of a man if he was working. Now he’s been working for a couple of months and he gives me most of his earnings to help with bills and expenses. We talked after he started working and he told me before coming here he had become addicted to porn. I found this very hard to believe because it’s so out of character for him. We just came back a week ago from Mexico on a belated honeymoon and to celebrate my birthday and we didn’t have sex once or since. He’s always willing to please me and he’s physically able to have sex.

We just recently talked again. I told him his actions make me feel unattractive and that there is no passion or desire from him. I also told him I feel the porn addiction was a lie and an excuse. That’s the only lie he’s ever told me. He didn’t admit to it, but didn’t deny it either. He said that he’s just never been interested in sex. That I find credible. I honestly felt from the first time that he understood anatomy, but did not have a lot of actual experience. He left home at 14 because his family didn’t have enough to provide for everyone. He’s gone hungry many times growing up, he’s hustled from selling bottles of water to drivers on the freeway, to washing dishes for scraps to doing back breaking labor for next to no pay. Then he got involved in music with someone willing to teach him and with his personality and talent he did well until the pandemic hit. He told me he’s always had to worry about surviving that sex was never a priority for him. That it’s something he needs to work out for himself.

I admire him as a human being so much. Any time he’s had money, he makes sure his family is taken care of first. Him and his friends would regularly go out and buy food and give it out to those who are hungry then send me videos and photos. He did this long before I met him and he had photos and videos from over the years though he’s never once posted anything on social media. Everyone who knows him thinks so highly of him, his friends and family really look up to him. His younger sister has told me she’s sad he left because he’s her best friend and he has a heart of gold. He’s very intelligent, hard working, does most of the housework and does yard work. He makes me laugh all the time, he’s very supportive and no man has ever listened to me like he does. Through the years he remembers everything I tell him and that makes me feel important to him. I really feel he would never cheat on me, first because integrity is so important to him and second because sex is so unimportant. Sex aside, he’s not perfect but he’s actually added to and never taken away from my peace.

I have absolutely no desire for anyone else. Other men are just not attractive anymore and I could never lie or cheat. Any advice beyond just waiting and being patient?

Hi,

First posts from anon account. I just found this sub after browsing and trying to figure out a solution to my dwindling sex life.

I (M40) and my wife (35F) have been having less and less sex, which I know seems to be the common path. We’ve been married 8yrs and I know things should slow down but I’m really struggling to cope. We’ve gone from every day when first married down to now we’re basically twice a month. Sometimes once a month.

My wife gets less enjoyment from sex since having kids. Functionally she is not the same and struggles to climax as easily. She always comes, but it takes a lot longer and we have to use a vibrator or it just won’t happen. It’s really frustrating for her. I always make sure she finishes first. But I think sometimes the effort is just too much for her.

We flirt and stuff during the day, and every day I think to myself “great we’ll definitely be on for it later” but then bedtime comes and nothing happens. I try initiating but either get zero response until I give up, or a “too tired”, “headache”, “stomach hurts” etc. I get it. And I would totally settle for a HJ or BJ, but when I suggested that it was met with anger, like that’s all I care about.

I feel like I can’t talk to her about sex or how it’s frustrating for me, so I just lie awake in bed looping over scenarios in my head. Sometimes go for late night showers just to masturbate and get it out of my system. I’ve even started watching porn again for the first time since my younger years.

I really, really don’t want to get to the same point as some of the posters in this sub, where sex is an annual event. I just don’t know how to kickstart things.

I can’t help myself even though I know she won’t even do much as move a centimetre, I still try and touch her or do things to show I want her. I keep saying in my head to stop and not bother but I do it anyway.

Sometimes it’s the touch I miss. You know, fingers on skin, lips on lips and skin, skin on skin… Other times I miss having someone who wants me to take her to pound town and enjoys it too. Then of course there’s everything in between that I miss as well.

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest.

Bit of a background - dead bedroom pretty much since marriage (15 years) except that I (48HLM) fathered a child with her(45LLF).

Hasn't given me a massage in years despite me giving her many.

No PIV in at least eight years, and she has never talked about it.

PIV is painful for her, and though I know there are ways to work through this, I'd be happy enough with non-PIV sex.

Longest dry spell so far: 4.5 months.

If I initiate then sex might happen, but it's always the same, I always have to tell exactly what I want or else it'll be some half-assed hand job. Even with instructions, does the bare minimum.

She hadn't initiated in years until a few nights ago. Usually she goes to bed after explicitly saying she's tired (meaning no sex will be had). Or if I go to bed early, specifying that I am not tired, hinting that I'd like her company at some point (I'd play games on the Steam Deck or something until she came to bed) then she stays up until 2am watching Korean dramas.

But one night last week, for the first time in years, she skipped the Korean dramas, came to bed, touched me first. Hand job, and blow job. She was even on her period, and not wanting other than for me to suck on her breasts.

Part of me wanted to thank her for initiating, but most of me was just confused as hell.

Have any of you had this happen? Ever discover the motivation?

I'm planning to ask her about it but I haven't gotten up the nerve yet.

I'm trying to think positively about this but initiating one time is hardly enough for me to think anything has improved.

I just don't know what to think.

i’m a long time lurker of this subreddit and finally i need advice, i (25f) and my partner (32m) have been together almost 7 years. a little background context we have two kids together a 4 year old & almost 5 month old. so our first baby was absolutely no surprise we had her as we couldn’t keep our hands off each other back then nothing stopped us, however since i got pregnant things took a HUGE change down. he cheated the very early stages of that pregnancy & less than a year postpartum and we worked through that all. sex was great until about two years ago. in two years we’ve had sex 4 times we miraculously got pregnant twice in those 4 times. onto the present time we are still so young looking forward to getting married buying a house but i feel like roommates of course i love him and want the future with him. however i want sex, i need sex. it’s something that i don’t want to live without in a partnership. i’ve tried everything, i’m in great shape for just have a baby a little over 4 months ago , i cook, i clean, i give him personal space and time to do as he pleases. i crave the intimacy and affection that was once there. i’ve begged him to have sex to want to want me again but nothing gets through. i’ve already asked if he’s cheating and just has no interest in me and he says no. i don’t believe he’s cheating but god the little touches he does give me the body tingles and i just want more. what more can i do to get him to actually do something about it ?

I’m giving it up cold turkey for December. I’ve used it as an escape from my DB but feel myself slipping more and more. I’m a HLM and have been in a DB for about 5 years since the birth of our first child. Have had the talk, multiple times, with no changes.

Been using porn as a coping method but going off it seems like the right move. Who knows, maybe I’ll even care enough to try and initiate sex for the 7,649th time. I’m sure I’ll get rejected though.

The hardest part (pun intended) will be on my frequent overnight business trips.

Already deleted my VPN (I live in one of those states in the US). What other tips do you have for me?

Also, anyone (M/F) want to join me and be an accountability partner?

Background info: My (39LLM) wife (40HLF) and I have been married for 13 years, together for 17. Our relationships hasn't been very conventional (by modern standards). We were both extremely religious (evangelical Christian) when we younger, and we did not have sex until we were married. FWIW, we are both atheists now.

While our bedroom isn't totally dead, it's definitely not thriving, and never has been. We probably do it a few times a month on average, but it used to be worse. I almost never desire sex with my wife, although I do it and initiate it sometimes, because I know it's important and that she likes it. I really want to desire her, and want her to feel desired, but I just can't force it. I crave sex with other women, and my testosterone levels are normal, so I don't think it's a hormonal issue.

A few weeks ago she told me to be honest and admit it: I wasn't physically attracted to her. Pretty difficult conversation, but I admitted it. We talked about divorce. I don't want that, but if she wants to, I understand. If I could go back to when I was 21, I'd probably say we should have just been friends, but after 17 years it's just so painful to imagine parting ways. I love her and I want to grow old with her.

I'd be grateful for any advice. Fully expecting criticism and that's understandable. I haven't been the best husband and I want to be better.

Thank you.

She's showering. The kids are down and we have some free time. spoke earlier this week about trying again this weekend. normally i would try but its pointless. marriage is great but bedroom is deader than a turkey on Thanksgiving.

update she got out of the shower and said she's running some errands. Target. She works 2nd shift and louges around from 8am till 1pm Mon-Fri. She grew up in a fucked up house, it's not her fault. We are the ones that have to pay for it though. The kids are amazing so I'm not going anywhere. Just have to accept that sex is dead.

Im honestly done with caring. Sex is every 3 or 4 months. When it happens it feels very forced. She doesnt tease anymore, hardly shows any interest. If I start to show a loss of interest she gets upset that im not attracted to her anymore. Honestly i just dont want to be excited about sex anymore. Its easier that way. I honestly just want something to fill the void. I would love to move into my own room but small house doesnt have the space. Dont really have much space for hobbies either. It has become very painful as all i really do is sit and be depressed about it.

Been posting some pictures and chatting with guys on Reddit the past like, week and a half… I don’t think it’s cheating, but I still feel guilty for getting validation from men online. But at the same time, like… what else am I supposed to do? Let my sexuality completely wither and die before I’m even 40…?

I’m a big girl and not everyone’s cup of tea, which is totally fine. But it feels amazing to hear that there are some men out there who find me attractive and are actually turned on by me.

I would never cheat on my husband, he’s wonderful and I truly love him. But we might be getting to the point where we need to discuss an open relationship…

I rarely ask him anymore if we can have sex or if he can do anything for me, but for some reason I asked him to eat me last night. I'd sent a flirty text asking cuz I was in the bath and he said he didn't want sex, but would do something for me. Great right?

Nope. Comes up when he wants to go to bed and lies there in silence. Makes zero moves. I ask if it's OK if he does something for me, he agrees and I ask for him to go down on me. He doesn't at any point in this story. Or at any other point when I am asked what I want and I ask for that.

He leans over putting his full weight onto my stomach which is so uncomfortable and starts to stroke me. I appreciate this might sound promising, but there was no kissing or anything beforehand so I'm not fully prepared down there at all.

I asked him if we could kiss a bit as I needed something else first to get me going a bit more so he comes back up and lies in the most annoying way so that it's really awkward for me to kiss him and I fuck my neck up in the process. We don't kiss passionately he will only peck and when I try he doesn't do it back. I put my leg over him and guide his hand to my bum and back down there and it just feels all off.

So I say to him did he want to stop as I can really tell he's not into it at all. He just shrugs and says he doesn't like sex anyway and none of this stuff does anything for him whatsoever. I asked him if it was because of how my body looked and he said it wasn't. Doesn't matter how many times I hear it, it still doesn't feel like truth.

We did eventually carry on, but honestly it didn't feel great and was mechanical and I could tell he was getting annoyed because I hadn't come yet. I felt guilty that I wanted to get off and like some kind of sex pest for wanting my partner. I should've just masturbated and not bothered him. I had a mini cry afterwards in the bathroom.

It's so fucking embarrassing.

Also, I've noticed more and more women posting here. I wonder what's going on?

Am I normal? Or selfish?

I’ve lurked here for quite some time and I’d say 2/3s of the posts sound familiar. What really got me thinking were a few recent posts where men would initiate or otherwise make “overtures” just to be shot down with “is that all I’m good for” or “is that all you think about”. There is also a recent post about demisexual and after going down that rabbit hole I’m still not really sure I understand it or the “asexual spectrum”.

This got me thinking. I’m a man. Women of the peanut gallery - does that ring true to you? Is it a turn off if I want sex with my wife even if I haven’t done 10000 things to get her in the mood (listen to her Bravo summaries, watch the kids all day, etc) Personally if my wife wanted to treat me like a peace of meat a few hours a week, I’m all for it.

There’s also a recent argument in another post over the patriarchy and how men vs woman are treated. I can agree with many of the points here on both sides though the reality comes down to the relationship in front of you. Some men are man children and it’s a turn off. Some women use sex to control. Etc etc. I’m trying to take a step back to make damn sure I’m not the problem.

So I’m wondering am I nuts? Are my expectations out of whack? Am I selfish? As this 4 times a year duty stuff with 500 caveats is killing me.

DB for over 4 years. Totally ignored on many fronts. But the other guy(s) get the attention…met someone from here and fell hard for her. And it sure as fuck seemed like she did for me. But it seemed there were rules for her and for me that were different. Different expectations but again the same outcome. The other guy(s) get the attention. Ignored all day while their Snap score climbs. I’m not stupid. Don’t ask me to be the only one, not talk to anyone else while you’re still out there looking….That goes for both of you….Im done being the “Nice Guy”. We truly do finish last. And I’m tired of last. Words to live by right here….

"They’re not worth it... that person you're crying over. I may not have met them, I may not have met you, but I'm telling you now – they’re not worth it and you deserve better. You know how I know? Because you're crying over them, and they’re not crying over you and that tells me everything I need to know.

You're crying because you feel so much emotion for this person that it completely overwhelms you to the point where it's not only manifesting within you physically - but you cannot even contain it in your body anymore! That’s how much you're capable of loving someone. And that tells me you're beautiful empathic soul.... and you deserve someone who loves you the same way. They’re not crying over you.... They’re probably not even thinking about you. I'm not saying that to hurt you - I'm saying it to make you see just how unsuited they are for you and just how little they deserve the emotion you're pouring into them. Because they either know you're crying over them - or they don’t. If they don't know then they're oblivious and not emotionally connected to you enough to sense what's going on... And if they do know your pain and are doing nothing to stop it - then they simply don't care. In either case they’re not worthy of you. They’re not bad or evil... they just don't have the emotional depth to connect and bond with a person as loving as you. And that is how I know with utter certainty that I am a beautiful loving person who is deeply emotional - and that person you’re crying over simply isn’t worth it."

This is wild - my partner will not have sex on vacation or even at the nicest 5-star hotels such as the Four Seasons. This is because she thinks it is dirty to have sex at hotels.

She will also not have sex on weekdays.

So basically the only time we are allowed to have sex is when it is a weekend AND we are not on vacation. WILD!!!!

I cannot deal with this and think I need to leave.

Much like many stories here our bedroom was fire! Passion, love, fun, etc.

As a younger couple we had random strangers come up to us and tell us we were such a sexy couple together. They could literally see the magnetism.

We look different. She’s a tall white beautiful blond with blue eyes. Im taller olive/tanned, with black hair and green eyes and very fit.

I was brought up in a very affectionate family. Although conservative we were always taught to love our women well. To be affectionate in front of family. The men in my family literally have a reputation in the community for adoring and treating their women well.

My wife came from a family that was pretty normal in Canada. Not as spicy as mine but the odd peck from the parents (who eventually got divorced years into our marriage).

We went through the typical ups and downs with having kids, hormonal and libido changes etc but we usually worked our way through.

Since covid we had some terrible health issues and she gained a lot of weight. She gained weight before and I never made it an issue. Im very attracted to her and truly love her no matter what she looks like. At this stage in our life it’s not just about looks. However she has slowly crawled away into a hole.

I tried everything. Coaching her myself, helping her with groups, paying for coaches, therapy etc. her parents made a lot of comments to her as a child when she gained some weight. Also she was quite attractive when younger and many people made comments about her looks.

Now she’s embarrassed. She doesnt want me to see her or touch her in many areas. Sex is down to missionary with very little light, covered, with very little touching. She’s also never been very affectionate. Even our kids notice the difference. Lots of hugs and kisses from dad and dads family. Some from mom, and a little from moms family.

I didnt care for a long time. I thought it was my duty to be in charge. So I would pull her in, constantly complementing, constantly initiating etc. but eventually you start to feel dumb when they reject you or dont allow you to see them or touch them. Sex is getting boring. We kiss passionately if I kiss passionately lol.

She always puts herself down and I would always tell her not to and try to help her but she’s done it so much that her weight has now become an issue for me. Many many years I never cared but she’s talked about it so much that for the first time in 20 years Ive felt un-attracted to her physically.

So could we be having a lot more sex? Yes. But I’m just sick of being the one that pushes everything. I’m sick of being told. I can’t touch or look. I’m sick of hearing the constant negativity. I’m sick of the lack of affection. I’m actually starved for affection. I’m not jaded. I don’t hate her. I actually love her and we’re still very friendly. She knows something is wrong because I’m not affectionate towards her now and we haven’t had sex in months maybe two months but I just don’t want to.

The scary part is that I feel myself wanting affection from other sources. I play sports and some of it can be physical sometimes in a coed environment and I actually love that physical contact with women even through sport. I get hit on by women and I don’t care for it if there was a service for me to go and just get some affection I would sign up.

Here is another kicker for those of you that are still reading . Sometimes I get men and women from other relationships coming to me for advice because they think that my relationship is so good since my wife and I are happy or at least seem happy and they remember that fire that my wife and I had in our relationship and they assumed that it’s still there. My feedback to the men is usually take charge with your wives and initiate and don’t be a wuss if your wife is not initiating women need to be warmed up women need affection women need foreplay in order to get them in the mood but I’m a point. I’m at a point Where I can’t even take my own advice and I’m not attracted to her.

Edit. A woman with confidence in herself and her body has become so much more attractive for me based on this experience. Honestly fuck looks. Confidence wins in the long run.

I know the 1st of the month can be rough, for many of us we are ticking off another month of the current dry spell. December can be even worse with the stress of the Holidays and the extra "hope" special Occasions like Christmas and New Years brings that the Curse will be lifted.

So how are you doing? You coping ok? It's ok if you're not.

In my next life, I imagine being married to a man who both has a sex drive, but who loves to touch and cuddle and kiss. A man who wants to see me naked, who wants to be naked with me. Who sends me flirty messages throughout the day about how he can't wait to enjoy me/us later.

In my next life, I imagine being 20 and not telling myself that it's wrong to want sex. To want to explore and understand my sexuality. That it's ok to be wet and want to cum a lot and that I need a man who makes me feel comfortable needing that.

In my next life, I imagine being with a man who wakes me up in the middle of the night and suggests we take a shower together, but maybe we don't make it that far. One who lifts me up on the bathroom counter and spreads my legs open and licks me until I cum once or twice before he fucks me for hours.

In my next life, I imagine being with a man who loves to kiss. Soft and hard and everything in between. Who wants to kiss me. And hug me. And hold me. Much more than he likes to play video games or watch porn or scroll TikTok.

In my next life, I imagine a husband who likes to take control... not just to use my body for his pleasure... but to edge me and push my body to its limits. To feed into my praise kink and call me a good girl but only when I've earned it.

I know that's not my life. My life is sex 4-6x a year with the lights off. There is no chemistry in between. We are roommates. I can do more to dress like an escort and turn him on, but I'm done trying. I'm really just done. Before I thought things might get better. Now I know they won't.

Well, I wrote earlier about a "cuddling" experience that I had after my LL wife (really it should be ZL with the Z meaning zero) told me to "do what I have to do." I later asked for clarification and she just repeated herself. I am taking that she does not want to know if I do something.

I have since had several more experiences and they were pleasant with one actually leading to some mutual touch that was outside of the boundaries set about in the cuddling site. No sex actually occurred and once again my partner, who is 25 years younger than me, (34), took the lead in this. She honestly intrigued me though which led to repeat sessions.

She sent me a text the other day asking when I was going to be back in town because she missed me. This made me feel really good, in spite of the fact that she is paid for her time with me. This text came out of the blue and as it happens, I am traveling back to that town for work this coming week.

She texted me about Thanksgiving with her family and how often she thought of our sessions and how I was her "favorite" client because of how respectful I am of her. I am not naive enough to feel this was anything more than a plug to come see her again, but it still felt nice.

When I told her that I was coming to town she called me rather than texting and said she couldn't wait and asked if I wanted to do an overnight visit this time. When I asked her how much that would be, she said, "I don't think I want to charge you. I have enjoyed every visit so far and I just think I want to try a friendly overnight."

This is a surprise to me and has me actually excited enough that I have told her I would love that. I am going to take her to dinner and then we will sit in my hotel room and watch a movie and talk. I have no idea if it will lead to anything other than a cuddle session, but I have decided I am ready for it if it does. I am nervous as hell but here goes nothing.

My (39hlm) wife (37llf) cheated on me with another woman 3 years ago. We have been married now for 11 years and for the first 9 years we had a great marriage. We have two kids together. We’ve had our normal ups and downs but never something like this. About a week before she cheated she started hinting that she liked women but it kinda felt like it was a joke at the time. One night her friend stayed over and we had a few drinks. I fell asleep on the couch and they went to my office and had sex.

About a week later she told me everything and pretty much said she was going to start a relationship with this other woman. She said I could stay if I wanted to but she was going to start a polyamorous relationship with the AP. I felt that I needed to agree to this or I would lose my family and I wanted to keep her happy. No matter how many books on polyamory I read, every time she went out with the other woman, it crushed my soul. I would vomit every time she would stay the weekend with the other woman and come back smelling like her. She knew how hard it was on me but still kept doing it. During all this my wife stopped having sex with me. After they got together the real dead bedroom started. Had sex just once or twice a year if that. She kinda put me on a shelf and forgot about me. I felt like she just wanted a provider that also cleaned and cooked and took care of the kids. I felt like an emasculated house butler. I felt like garbage. No matter how fit and good looking I was, no matter how much money I made, how good of a husband and father I was and how emotionally supportive of her I was it was just never enough.

A few months into their relationship I went back to graduate school to finish my PhD. This kept my mind off of things at home. I would pretty much work and study, come home and take care of the kids and the household. The work was exhausting but in a way it was therapeutic. I felt that I was going somewhere and bettering myself. I also hit the gym hard and got in great shape. Kinda lived like a monk for a while and it t was great. After graduation I found an amazing well paying career and re-connected with an old friend of mine. Let’s call her Zara. I started talking to Zara and found out her husband cheated on her with another man 3 years ago and shes since divorced. After months of talking with each other we fell deeply in love. We met a few weeks ago and made love. It was amazing, I have never felt so desired and loved before. It’s like we were made for each other.

Naturally I told my wife what was happening (before I slept with Zara). My wife did not take it well. She stopped talking to me and called me a cheater. Basically she wanted a one sided poly relationship were she got to have all the fun while I worked myself to death and took care of the house and kids. She started this, she mixed her own kool-aid, but didn’t like the taste.

I am done being a doormat. I am done being taken advantage of. I am done with the dead bedroom. I am seriously thinking of starting the divorce process. I am ready to be in a healthy monogamous relationship with a person that appreciates me and treats me with love and respect and wants to make love.

It feels good to get this off my chest. Sorry if the grammar is a bit off in this post, English is not my first language.

Me (41hlm) and my wife (40llf) have had a DB for around 7 years, sex every 3 months in a good patch and 5/6 months in a bad patch. Physical intimacy, like cuddles and stroking etc became rarer as I got more frustrated and tried to sexualise most of our contact (this is a relatively recent revelation on my part, had my blinkers on). Kissing almost never, other than a peck goodbye or hello. This dry patch has been the worst we've had in terms of the effect on my mental health. I gave up. She made a comment about being comfortable to hug me again and how great it was, all I could see was the dark pit I was in and how she was only happy because I'd given up. We had a conversation a week ago where I admitted I had checked out, suggested sleeping separately, said I sat in the car after work plucking up the courage to come back into the house, and suggested our situation was affecting my mental health to the point our children were suffering. The next day she had booked a couples therapist/psychosexual councillor. It was a big step forward as she was acknowledging that there is an issue which is killing us. The session happened yesterday. A big surprise for me was that my wife said she wanted a normal sex life. I almost laughed. Anyway, it was a good session I felt. She feels I am to emotionally reliant on that and I need to grow myself to become more independent, to need her less, to be away from her more. I get it, I see how it could help. My question is this. How, when my self esteem is so broken and I feel so worthless, do I go about building myself back up?

Married couple (57hlm-52llf). We used to have sex regularly, 1 a wk almost like clockwork. I would have preferred more, but was satisfied. My gal in every other way is amazing. when we have sex, it's always great (super vanilla but so much chemistry). The last few years we've fallen to once, maybe twice a month. I've brought it up, told her I'd like it more, but nothing changes. When we do have sex, it's 100% when she wants it, never when I initiate. It's come to the point where I Almont dont even try.

We had a great weekend and was feeling oddly confident, so I mentioned we should have sex at some point. No positive response. After a few moments of quiet, she asked what I was thinking, so I told her.

"I was thinking you might have a stomach ache, or you might be to tired, maybe 5 other things, and that you didn't have to say a word and that I rejected myself for you".

She kinda gave an ouch look and that was the end of it.

This in my eyes is a clear pattern. It totally messes with my confidence.

Ugh!