Hi. I've been working on a personality quiz, and I'm looking for ESFJs to help test it. Someone who is reasonably certain of their type, and willing to provide feedback. I'd appreciate it greatly.

i need advice from someone who had an intj husband

how to fill the gap in the differences between them?

how to bring out the love of him to the family? what shall i really do

Apparently I worry too much, according to my ISTP partner. He's not the only one who says this, so I can see where he is coming from.

I worry a lot about the European version of "jay walking" ( = ignoring the presence or absence of zebra crossing). Yeah, I live in a country where it's already hard to get respect as a pedestrian, so I worry about respecting the National Street Code (a real law).

I worry about buying train tickets in sketchy suburbs. Train tickets are train tickets, but who guarantees me that nobody's gonna rob me, scare me or touch me while I'm standing still in front of the cashier and paying a bill?

I worry about my partner's comfort and wellbeing. I worry about paying things in time, not being in the wrong place at the wrong time, keeping my parents at peace.

I worry "too much". And I still think these things are barely for survival.

Could this be something ESFJ? And how can I do something? He's not from my country, we communicate in English cuz native languages are different. Should I try to give him some of the responsibilities anyway?

The golden couple of incompatibility.. I'm intj. My partner is esfj.. this is what I've learned ..

I can see years in advance & plan more for it. He often doesn't believe my plans, because they're too far & ‘so much could happen’ , which often led to many of my plans not happening because doesn't follow through with the steps, think. It couldn't be that easy for something so big / far away.

With our daughter. I know how what. when she needs, but his execution is often better. not always. He often gets frustrated if he doesn't understand what she needs, & doesn't always believe me when I say ‘ it's this’. unless I show him she calms down when you do. If he's in this state he often resorts to comfort. But can get frustrated if that's not what she needs. Ex, she's tired.. so he tries holding /making silly faces. But really she needs rocking for 5-10minutes & quiet,

pattern recognition is a large thing. I can see something is going to happen. Either a situation or a person. & he dismisses it. Then it happens, & he often feels stupid in these situations, & I think embarrassed, so he can either (his way of) shut down, or be moody for a while. or try to rationalize as coincidence. It's taken repeated similar situations of me saying ( x ) was going to happen for him to believe me ..now he's starting to get it, but not entirely. Often gets overwhelmed on where to start on a big projects, so showing him repeatedly where to start has helped him not get exasperated. Because he's seen seen that doing (a) always leads to ( c ) so he knows where to start now. When he Does start something, he can go overboard & exhaust himself. Leading him to not do anything for larger periods of time if it's tasks. Ex. Cleaning. He starts cleaning, then moves to another room. Then takes Everything out of that room to scrub. Then realizes there's gunk behind the mirror, so he takes the mirror down. Then noticed the paint is chipping off in there so he starts painting.. he overdoes it. Exhausts himself & won't do anything for a couple of days ..

Onto people.. he changes according to who he's around. If he ‘ feels’ the group is going this way, then he modifies his behavior to fit. While still sometimes adding a loud silliness to conversation.

If he's in a negative mood he can often go overboard talking about ‘ this ‘ person, because that's what he feels in the moment. But with some time /calming down, he often realizes that it was just what he was feeling, either cornered, judged or felt stupid. But it's usually a misunderstand on his part. & He reacted emotionally to something he thought, but wasn't happening. & Then afterwards. Isn't sure how to go about correcting the moment.. so he can feel embarrassed being around thosw he ranted to, /the person.because he doesn't know how to go about an apology, without being outright ‘ wrong’

His way of dealing with it was going on as if nothing happened, as an attempt to normalize & kind of, brush off what he said. & Try to talk them up again, ‘ oh yeah they did This. But also This ( positive ) ‘

we're still working on it .. & saying ‘ I’m sorry. I was wrong ‘ without it being a long winding thing where you're not sure if he actually apologized.. is a thing..

If he's upset about anything, he needs people /opinions around him. He has trouble figuring things out /what he's feeling sometimes. So he often jumps into seeing people at the slightest thing to get their opinion. Instead of self reflecting & coming up an idea for himself. Other people were his brain, & he had trouble acting unless he saw severaldifferent people to get their views.

Learning to take time for yourself, not jumping to conclusions. & Listening to (specifically me ) when I notice something is going to happen. & to trust the steps I lay out, even if he doesn't see it right away. & Not letting his emotions / feelings rule him when he should think objectively about a situation. Is all things were working on.

he's very influenced by what other people are feeling in the moment. So done of this can be difficult

Now onto me..

There is a big miscommunication most of the time between us. I am a stone faced person. I came from a stone faced family. & As a result of that, he says ‘ hurt, sad, mad or in pain. It's all the same face’ so it's lead to issues, especially at the beginning. Where he thinks I'm ‘ mad’ but really ..I just need a Tylenol.. this had led him to be passively upset in situations where he shouldn't. Or giving me space, because he can't figure out what I want. or am feeling

I've learned to Tell him what I need/ feeling. But sometimes he didn't believe me because my face / body language said ‘ this’ while I was telling him something else.. he's learned to take my word now as what I mean ..even if something face etc, seems contradictory. but not all the time ..

I've learned to emote abit more. Try to watch my body language, but often it makes me feel awkward

Because I grew up in a stone faced family. I learned to read even the slightest change in body language.. so I can often tell what he's feeling. What caused it.. but if he feels he's going to be judged /something negative with expressing that . He'd vehemently say it's the opposite..or he's not feeling that /fine.

A big thing we differ on is. I'm very open once I know someone. I have a fear of balloons, I know it's irrational. & I don't care who knows. & I know Why I have it. But if he thinks something will make others judge him/ feel silly, he'd try to avoid or hide it instead of expressing it to people..

which Absolutely frustrates me.. if you're around people you care about. Why would you care if they know x, & if they Do care about you then they won't judge you for it.. it's also a good way to tell if they actually care about you or not.. Whether you would be around them.. but he he'd rather forego some personal things in order to keep having friendships .. I've also learned to point things out about people to let him know they care. /Open up discussion about ‘this’ topic around people so he sees that Everyone is okay /willing to talk about that subject.. or everyone has /feels the same thing in that area & it's ridiculous to think you need to hide it around people who care about you..it's helped

I've learned to give him a space where he can feel non judged /comfortable & give him rational solutions with simple steps with things. & Not piling the totality of a big plan on him. Only giving him one picture at a time. what it means rather than ( then we're going to do this, this, this, this even months /years in advance. so he doesn't get overwhelmed. When he thinks this is a task, this is going to make it better directly. Yes it would, but there are other things that I'll say later that will make the problem/thing even better. Learning to have him think X is the plan /solution. When x is step one of 5.. or 20 .. rather than overwhelm him. or talking about step 1-3 first. Then others later )

I have No idea how to act in social situations.. which lead to people he knew to not trust me when we first met. I tend to freeze /not say anything. Coupled with rbf. or stone faced, lead to alot of issues.. & him feeling out of place.. because of the discomfort in the group..

Once I got comfortable /social I got to know them more ..

Not jumping at everything he did ‘wrong’ was another thing.. if he say, got me a glass of chocolate milk while I was sick.. I don't get into how the sugar would effect my immune system & milk increases mucus production.because he's doing something nice. because I'm sick..& knows I like chocolate milk.. it's better to accept something small.. even if it would hinder me abit in the short run because he was trying to be nice /thoughtful. Rather than rejecting the ‘nice’ thing ..

Before the ‘nevermind I'll do it myself’ would often come up.. because he would either take forever to do something. (I realize because he didn't know where to start, or didn't believe ) Which led me to be exhausted. because I couldn't do everything myself.. the reasons above, showing over time. Steps Do go somewhere, & tackling a big issue in smaller parts/ showing where to start was a help

We also have his dad (isfp) living with us. Which has put a damper on our relationship.. he's constantly worried about .. everything ? & nothing. & he's very effected by his mood /catching.. so that has been an issue ..

main take away points. realizing when I say something, I mean it.. regardless of other physical factors.. not getting Overly into ‘venting’ to people without a grain of salt. Listening to me when I say. this is going to happen if we do this.. getting to a point where he feels expressing himself in ways he normally wouldn't .. recognizing, and showing him steps can lead to bigger things. Are all things that have helped improve things..

& We still got a long way to go.

Is it easy no? No, do I still think he makes no sense & X is easy? Yes. Does he still think I'm an alien ? Yes. Do I have an appreciation for him being emotional sometimes now. Yes. Does he feel he can fall on me if there's any hard issues he can't solve ? Yes. & There's still fights. & It can be cat /dog sometimes..But at least we have some understand. & know how the other works.

If you're in the same relationship. Intj esfj. This is what I’ve learned from being with one.. it's Absolutely not easy ..& we are so different. But we try to make it work..

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I was just wondering how energetic you naturally are 1-10 . I've wondered if I'm an ISFJ so this may be helpful. I doubt I'm an ISFJ but I was just curious. To help, a 1 is like highly introverted and very very quiet and a 10 would be like off the walls talkative and full of energy.

Normally, as someone present in r/ESFP who self-typed as an ESFP, I quietly (now shamefully) looked down on these kinds of typing posts since I saw the respective MBTI type subreddits as a place where people of that specific type could interact with each other and for some reason saw it as rude and taking advantage of the people of that type to come and ask for them to type you. Now, I'm struggling so badly that I've found myself doing the very same thing that I've looked down on previously. And with that being said, I understand if no one wants to respond to this.

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I copied and pasted this self-analysis that I've made. I apologize because it's a bit brash and emotional:

ESFP:

♥ I thought I was an ESFP because I like to live in the moment and I prefer sensory information over abstract. I relate to the description of tertiary Te and inferior Ni. I think that living in the moment should be an enjoyable experience so therefore, stressing out over future stuff is pointless and unnecessary unless you actually do something about it (which is what I perceived as "Te"). 

♥ However, I'm not all about fun and new experiences. I think work can be an enjoyable thing but I don't like anything trying to place limits on my experiences. I don't like having restrictive schedules placed on me ( I always find myself able to have fun inside of these schedules but it doesn't make me hate them any less). 

♥ I don't get bored quickly and I would hate to be called creative (some people call me that) because I don't think I can come up with a bunch of ideas. I'm slow and stagnant when it comes to ideas. I'm picky with aesthetics and I'm not obsessed with creating beauty. I'm more obsessed with people's opinions of me and creating an "image" that I stick to consistently that becomes my identity. I HATE, HATE, ABSOLUTELY HATE being told to plan ahead and focus on the future so I thought this was inferior Ni. 

ESFJ:

♥ I'm starting to think I'm an ESFJ because I get this "gut instincts" about a person or situation and apparently that's a Fe thing. I tend to judge things as "wrong" and "right" according to how other people feel about them and I wanted so desperately to be able to judge things according to how **I** feel about them but it seems like I can't do that. Apparently I constantly use Ti to see if my ideas and opinions stand up to scrutiny (I am recognizing this as I sometimes go back and delete stuff with downvotes or lesser support than someone else and I'm starting to drop out of arguments rather than fight back as I used to). Analyzing stuff related to my own personality sounds dreadful yet for some reason, I'm willing to do this for other people and not dread it?! 

♥ I relate to the description of extroverted feeling being used for quick in-the-moment decision making. I relate to the vibe-reading and constantly keeping tabs on what everyone's thinking and thinking "what can I do that will benefit the most people?" And I feel embarrassed to relate to trying to use my own "mannerisms, expressions, emotions, and capabilities to influence and help others" around me. 

♥ I AM ABSOLUTELY FLOORED TO RELATE TO THE "When the FeSi gets good vibes, feelings, or a sense of something that sparks their interest from another person or group of people, they build on that expression and mirror it back to the person or group." I could just cry when I read a description about FeSi tuning in with others and being easily distracted. I related to a description of FeSi wanting meaningful connections, feeling like a relationship could give you enough power to conquer the world, feeling bleak without a meaningful relationship, and FEELING for others. Also doing things for other people and wondering how the "group feels." 

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Why I think/don't think I'm ESFP/ESFJ:

ESFJ:

♥♥ I don’t think I’m ESFJ because I don’t consider myself a helpful people-person. I don’t think I’m the type of person that everyone likes despite me wanting to be. I can be rude, cold, distanced, and I can hurt other people’s feelings (ugh, look at me conforming to the stereotypes I try to sway others away from). Most importantly, I really wanted to believe that my sense of self is stable and not depending on others yet I can see how many times my opinions constantly shift and change when I see disagreements and how I keep using all of these different labels in an attempt to get a sense of myself and join all these different subreddits. ♥♥

ESFP:

♥♥ I wanted to think that I was an ESFP because of the stable sense of self. I thought I would be able to judge situations based on how I feel and I don’t think I related to auxiliary Si. I thought I was more tertiary Te and inferior Ni because I absolutely hate  planning ahead yet relying on the logic of others seems like something I would do (and have done multiple times before). I don’t want to have Ne because I don’t want to be seen as a creative person. ♥♥

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I think I’m going in loops. I REALLY need someone outside to look in on all of this and give me some objective logic. Thank you <333 

If you're an ESFJ, please tell me if you relate to me in any way. Thank you, and sorry if this post was a disturbance. I'll most likely remove it later if it gets bad and/or little to no reception.

What his characterstics will be ?

How would his cognitive functions here work ?

I'm just asking this for writing purpose

Hello darling ESFJs I hope I am not intruding I would like to ask for assistance.

There’s a story I’m creating one of the themes is self discovery although Mbti won’t be mentioned it is used as inspiration for world building.

16 lands(each one representing a type) and 8 functions as powers. It’s like Hunter x Hunter where there are 6 types of aura that is their power system. How they use it is completely based on the person

For Fe users I’ve come up with that their power comes from the outside and ability revolves around and bases off other people (Ex. Shapeshifting, mind control, canceling others powers)

Passive- I thought maybe stamina but I’m not sure

Someone told me that wasn’t right with Fe and I’m having trouble trying to find the best way to express Fe accurately while also making it an ability. I’ve also come up with functions countering each other such as Fe vs Fi but how? What ideas do you have?

Also only leaders can are able to use four functions normally civilians can only use 1. Although down the stack it’s less strong and if they’re in distress such as in despair or in danger they go through looping with their first and third function making it a toxic power. How would you use your functions?

I’m aware that Fe is not only other people’s emotions I am just having a difficult time knowing how to express it so suggestions would be helpful.

Welcome to r/ESFJ's weekly discussion thread! This is posted every Sunday as a place to chat with other members of the subreddit about whatever you want. Have something on your mind? Got exciting plans for the week? Need a place to vent? Just wanna chat? Whatever you want to talk about, this is the place!

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I have gathered various information from multiple MBTI sources to better understand how Fe works and have synthesized it :

1/ Trust Your Empathy : Fe is tuned into the emotions and needs of others. Learn to trust your ability to sense what others are feeling, even if they don’t say it outright. Over time, you’ll recognize the accuracy of your emotional awareness and how it helps you connect with people.

2/ Value Collaboration : Fe processes information by considering harmony and group needs. Give yourself time to understand the perspectives of those around you rather than making quick judgments. It’s natural for your insights to develop as you gather input and adjust for group dynamics.

3/ Focus on Building Harmony : Fe gravitates toward creating positive, supportive environments. Use this strength to encourage collaboration, resolve conflicts, and make others feel valued. Your strength lies in fostering cooperation and making people feel understood.

4/ Engage in Relationship Building : Fe thrives in connecting with others on a personal level. Engage with group activities, community events, or heartfelt conversations. This will nurture your natural desire for understanding and harmonious relationships.

5/ Balance with Self-Authenticity : Since Fe can sometimes lead to prioritizing others over yourself, remember to stay in touch with your own values and needs. Balancing empathy with self-respect helps you maintain genuine connections without compromising your authenticity.

6/ Reflect on Social Patterns : Fe draws from previous social interactions to guide present decisions. Reflect on your past interactions and their outcomes to better understand social dynamics and improve your ability to navigate different situations.

7/ Create Spaces for Connection : Fe often works best when you’re engaged with others. Seek out environments that encourage teamwork, meaningful conversation, or emotional connection, where you can let your empathy and insight into people shine naturally.

Please feel free to give your opinion.

Check the other MBTI subreddit or my profile to see the summary of the other functions.

I thought it would be interesting to ask this question to one of the most extraverted types, what do you think?

View Poll

Hi fellas! I’m an INFJ here. I wanted to ask you all about what kind of behavior would unhealthy ESFJs have. My ex tested as ESFJ (could be wrong because we all know tests are not always accurate)… the break up was okay actually, he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was cheated on by his previous ex so he swore he would never get into a relationship and blah blah. I understand that. But his behavior afterwards is what’s puzzling me… and I’m an INFJ 😂 I overthink 😂

After the break up he started hanging out with a new group of people (who I are immature af but whatever) and he started imitating their behaviors, like he started smoking because his new “fling”/girl friend smokes, he started drinking a can of coke with every meal because this other guy friend does it, etc. He stopped talking to me and stuff but we agreed to keep friendly interactions if we had to interact since we worked together at the time (not anymore). But then like once every month I would be randomly blocked or removed from his socials ??? Like ??? First he removed me from his instagram and put it on private, then he removed me from strava and put it on private, then he removed me from spotify, then blocked me on instagram and whatsapp… but why do it on the space of 6 months? Weird.

He’s not a bad person by any means but to me he seems kinda lost… idk like that imitation game doesn’t seem healthy and then after I left work he just blocked me out of nowhere because I wasn’t bothering him by texting or anything.

For context, this person is already 25 yo. Not a teenager. We were a “thing” for a month and he was caring and loving and introduced me to his friends and brother. It all seemed to go well and he did say I did nothing wrong when he broke up with me. I really hope he doesn’t spiral down because I care about him and I want him to be happy.

Any ESFJs that recognize this kind of behavioral pattern? Does this seem normal to you?

All clichés and rigid categories aside, "SFJ" thoughts may also include "I fear bad germs"; "I am afraid of venomous bugs"; "when dirt and messiness in a room is incompatible with life, I almost freak out".

Do you guys have any specific phobia related to what you see where you are? I think I have atephobia (fear of ruins, or more precisely, of uninhabitable places) and sure sphecsophobia (fear of all kinds of wasp). I feel the counter effect sometimes, especially with ruined places. I will always remember when I hid in a cellar at 11, fooling all my classmates for a prank.

Me and my friends used to ask each other this question in high school when I was younger ,and it goes like this “ would you choose someone who loves you or someone you love “ And explain why

Welcome to r/ESFJ's weekly discussion thread! This is posted every Sunday as a place to chat with other members of the subreddit about whatever you want. Have something on your mind? Got exciting plans for the week? Need a place to vent? Just wanna chat? Whatever you want to talk about, this is the place!

We also have a chat room! You can find a link to join in the sidebar right above the rules on desktop, by tapping "Chats" on this subreddit's page on mobile, or you can click here.

Hi fellow ESFJs, I need your help in moving on from someone who did not work out for me.

There was this girl I met at an event, and for a while I thought our views on everything are same. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but atleast initially the compatibility seemed pretty good. I jumped through several logistical challenges to slide into her DMs and get to know more about her.

It's been 3 months now, and we talk regularly and she is quite possesive of me. She also calls me by cute petnames and gets angry when I don't reciprocate (which I do sometimes only when I'm unhappy with her). She knows lots of little details about me and seems to share her secrets with me as well.

But she is very inconsistent with texting, which is the only form of communication we have going on. We had a couple of calls too but she never initiates them, and refuses half the time, so I stopped asking too. I can see that in her mind we are dating, but I don't feel the same way anymore. She always texts sweetly but every 2-3 days she'll just disappear for a day. I have pointed it out twice and she says she'll never do it again, but always does it anyway and has some excuse. But she does get angry if I take more than 4 hours to reply, except when she does it, it's because she is busy.

I personally have always found 5 seconds to reply in a period of max 3 hours, unless I am sleeping. I can't deal with people disrespect like this, I don't do this to others and would expect the same, especially in romantic context. With friends I don't care if they take 1 day or 10 days to reply because I am not looking forward to their texts anyway. It's always a chore of listening to something on their mind or some favour they want from me.

As I read the situation, she sees whatsapp as just another app like reddit or instagram, you come here when you are bored. But if you are doing something else the app can stay dormant. I view this as a hinderence to communication and a deal breaker. I want to let go of her in a way such that I see her like rest of my friends, while also hinting at the status change. Any tips ?

Last winter I got "shot" back to my home country like a cannon, and my family relied on an acquaintance who works in the HR industry to find me a temporary job. The HR industry, yes 😢 got a part time job of the ones where I had to lie about how many hours I did, if I didn't want trouble or complaints from colleagues.

I used that opportunity to earn money while looking elsewhere as soon as possible. I even got into trouble with HR anyways because I got pressure from the chef and the manager, they were on edge about not having any news from them.

On the other hand, I see the chef is a good guy, he's cool. Never thought of getting too personal with me, but he is the kind of guy who would party with coworkers outside the job. He would like to meet me. To me going greet my ex coworkers is a breeze in terms of kilometers. The only thing I have mixed feelings about is... What if the bro is super friendly and wants to know my opinion on the previous job?

Now I'm sure working hard, I don't have a full membership in the cooperative society and I'm not just resting my feet, but I am definitely safer in the coop company where I am now!

How should I behave?

Hai everyone :33!!! I'm in the esfj community now, for soooo long I thought I was an enfp but I looked into it and functions and stuff and found out how strongly I resonate with function stack for esfj and I'm so happy!!! :DD I feel like I resonate so much more, I do feel out of place since I'm an extrovert with social anxiety but 😭😭

Do you play mind games to keep someone hooked or to keep them attracted to you? Because I (ENFP) using her intuition feels like the guy (ESFJ) I'm talking to is acting strange on purpose but I also feel at the same time that it is not the case, although I also know actions speaks louder than words but Idk I'm attracted to him and I like to be with him but I want to make wise decision for my better future and for Our future. Anyway he came very VERY strong in the beginning but now there's nothing and it's been going for a good time now, there was some silence on my end too but I was just taking things slow while he was rushing into relationship very quickly. Anyways that's not the real topic, I just don't know if he is doing it on purpose and it's an ESFJ thing to play cute mind games (Which is very immature btw) but we are young and it's our first real (Idk) relationship I don't even know what we are doing.

I know ESFJs are soft and warm people and they'd not want to keep other hooked on something because that's immature and cruel and just shows you are not interested enough to keep things honest or real.

Most times it feels like he is playing hard to get but that is not the case either he does whatever he wants to or feel like doing, he's very determined but I feel strongly that he is playing mind games.

He doesn't communicate about this whenever I mention his behaviour and how it's affecting me.

I'm just not sure if he really doesn't like me or is this his way of attracting me as I'm also new to relationships so I don't know much and this is some highschool flirting and crush he's not that interested in me?☹️

He told me that this all is new for him too so Idk.

Is this his way of showing being comfortable around me and him just being himself?

Idk, please help me out, I'm free to answer any questions.💕

I was just curious how schedule and routine oriented you guys are, because I tend to like consistency and often build habits.

I swear I want to chew on a pacifier with some glue on it.

How do I stop this...

• showing interest

-asking questions

• helping with making hypothetical plans, looking at the future, wondering if there's closure

• saying actual things that are not "yeah... Yup... Mmmm"

How do I just shift to be the ickiest version of my self when I meet Miss Toxic ISTP?

If I show kindness to her, I always end up having the worst arguments with my father. I don't want to make him angry. Help!

Welcome to r/ESFJ's weekly discussion thread! This is posted every Sunday as a place to chat with other members of the subreddit about whatever you want. Have something on your mind? Got exciting plans for the week? Need a place to vent? Just wanna chat? Whatever you want to talk about, this is the place!

We also have a chat room! You can find a link to join in the sidebar right above the rules on desktop, by tapping "Chats" on this subreddit's page on mobile, or you can click here.

No doubts that one of the main features I like in ESFJs is how they are so happy, vivid, gentle, helpful, neighborly and pleasant most of the time. It feels like nothing can keep them sad for too long, more than a day or a week. I really want to read your thoughts on this, dear ESFJs

As an INFJ I really struggle with keeping a good mood in a week as much as other types and I think it's an issue of some other introverts too. Maybe one of the reasons is thinking too much

She and I both want the same thing, which is to have a strong relationship, to trust one another, and to have comfortable family integration so that she and her husband can come and spend abundant time with their grandkids. They live in Germany so that is a complicating factor; my typical max social time is about 3 hours with a close friend, so the fact that our visits are non-stop socializing for at least a week straight hasn't put us on the best foot. My husband and I have been married for a few years now and we've had at least 5 week+ long visits with them.

Here's the good: we do have mutual respect for one another's strengths. I see how much value there is in her ability to build social status, political influence, and connections, and she respects that I'm successful as a woman in a male dominated career. We're both emotionally aware, in different ways (she is more group oriented whereas I'm very sensitive to one on one relationships).

However, it seems like we're butting heads a lot when it comes down to actually connecting with each other in a social way. Reading the ESFJ myers-briggs description was pretty enlightening; I think we mutually trigger each other in the things that we value and the way that we try to connect. I'm just hoping that the damage can be repaired at this point.

I'll list a few small examples. I'm going to be very straightforward in this post, but I've tried very, very hard to be sensitive to her in person.

1. She tries to reach out to chat on Signal. I've let her know that I don't use Signal and that I don't really text with anyone about social subjects, but she keeps texting me with pictures and descriptions about her day. Small talk is pretty much torture for me and I'm not sure how to move the connection past this. I also strongly disagree with the idea of allowing a cell phone to interrupt my day so I usually turn it off, and if a message isn't important I will respond when I have time, which might be a week or so. She's mentioned this to my husband and I think it is hurting her feelings, but I just don't think it is wise to continue to respond because it isn't a good use of time and energy. It isn't building a relationship and would be inauthentic for me to pretend that it doesn't drive me crazy. I've tried suggesting that we plan a once a month phone call so that we can actually have a real conversation, but that hasn't happened.

2. This is petty, and I tend to ignore it, but she repeatedly brings up that my daughter must be cold. We're Canadian and she will do this in weather where folks are running outside in shorts. I do think this is cultural as when I was in Germany I was literally dripping beads of sweat in most restaurants and people would tell me that I must be cold (lol, so strange). It is also personal because she really hates being cold. However, I've expressed to her that my family runs really, really warm and that my daughter tends to be the same. I've also expressed a variety of scientific standpoints on the topic, including the value of maintaining brown fat stores from infancy and the reality that cold tolerance is trained, but she continues to bring it up repeatedly. I now understand that some of the comments are because she is worried about social norms, especially when she is in Germany around people she knows. I can empathize with that even if I wouldn't personally make the same choice, so as long as my little one isn't actively uncomfortable I'm ok with her asking us to dress her more warmly while we're there. This one I will absolutely just tolerate if necessary but if anyone has suggestions I'd love to hear them.

3. She also doesn't really take no for an answer when it comes to social gatherings and visits, and seems to forget when I've previously set a boundary around a given topic. She will manipulate other people and apply social pressure to try to get what she wants, all while telling me how much she loves me. From my perspective, using social pressure to get what you want is essentially an act of hatred towards the person you're manipulating, and I would only do that in extreme circumstances (like if someone was causing a really, really big problem at work or was causing emotional harm to my daughter). I'm really not sure how to improve this situation as I've tried to establish a game plan for visits so that there is some downtime during the visits for me to recharge, but when I try to talk to her about the plans she reacts like I'm killing a puppy.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would be so grateful. I genuinely believe she and I want the same basic thing for our families, so I'm willing to put a fair bit of work in to try to build this relationship. My only caveat is that it needs to be authentic; I'm not going to pretend to love things that are really draining or to be a different person to make it work.

ProgsterESFJHECK’s post is actually making me wonder if I’m mistyped because my room is a total disaster. I don’t actually like it. I just have WAY too much stuff and not enough storage and not enough room to even go through the stuff to figure out what I actually want to keep. I also just kinda grew up surrounded by messes like this, too, so I guess I’m used to it? Am I the only one?

Dear ESFJ's, I would like to know, out of your personal perspective, how your Fe work. Which core motivation makes you using Fe dominantly? How would you contrast it to Fi, Te, Ne, Se?