Need help with your relationship?

My relationship (first relationship) is amazing on mutual collaboration, meeting halfway on problems, no issues at all with external men/women on either side, is it as good as it gets talking about getting along well in a relationship, growing together, learning from each other and it is mostly all positive.

The problems we have had are because me (23M) I do not really see intimacy and sexual relationship as important or as desirable in my relationship, I do not find myself feeling sexual desire for my girlfriend very often. But we have even come to agreements and manage to work together with this to still have a healthy relationship.

My internal problem comes when I see myself growing fast, time goes by and I am looking into the future and do not see my current girlfriend as my wife (she does want to marry me and has expressed she thinks I am the person she wants to spend her whole life with)

I do not want to miss out on life really, I think meeting people is an important part of growing personally as well and my fear resides on the thought of my young years passing by with someone I don’t plan to marry. I have been progressively loosing that feeling of being in love. And actually there’s this other girl in my life who I have known for over 6 years now, she has liked me through specific times although she would keep it on the low and I would do so as well, and we would mostly take any of that as a joke or a game. (No infidelities and always respecting my boundaries)

There are times of the year where we see each other more frequently with this second girl, and I do feel something whenever I re-meet with this person and I frankly see her as the person I want to marry even though I have never been involved romantically with this person any further than being playful about feelings that I think both of us have kept hidden and that re ignite whenever we start seeing each other more frequently.

I want to clarify that I have done any meet ups with the second girl with full transparency, and I have always respected my relationship, my gf and this girl actually know each other and my gf sees her as my good friend, because she actually kind of is, and we all have a friend group where everyone gets along well. (Not anyone’s main friend group)

I am very torn right know, and I do not know if I am being selfish or too ambitious as I have a gf which is literally most of what any man would want in his life, but I do not see her as my future wife as this second girl is who I really see myself together for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I should take the risk of throwing my relationship away and everything we have become together, for the chance of being with this other girl and things maybe not even working out. I also am worried I am wasting my early years and missing out on experiences with friends, etc… by being in a relationship that I do not see myself for my whole life in. I also care so much about my current gf and how me getting away from her will impact her life tremendously as my family and home and me as a person has become her safe place to go to due to personal problems she has and we are INCREDIBLY impactful in her life in a positive way.

I really need some guidance

Hello,

I am wanting to try some new things out in bed. I’m not sure why but I can’t cum no matter what we do. I think it might be because sometimes I get a little nervous when it comes to finishing just because it’s such a vulnerable state to be in. I’m not sure why this is because I can cum just fine on my own. Maybe if we tried something a little different that might help?

We have tried vaginal penetration so far and pretty much nothing else. I do give him head a couple times a week (almost whenever we meet) and he tries to finish me using his fingers etc.

When he’s doing it it feels good for the most part but I’m not sure how to guide him? I have tried to tell him to do things one way or another in the heat of the moment, but do I need to talk to him afterwards as well??

Sometimes it feels a little weird when he rubs my clit for example because he does it weird?? I’m not even sure how to explain it but I’m very specific otherwise it just won’t happen. Also he lasts pretty long during sex too so I’m thinking it’s not really him, it’s me.

In other words, how do I spice things up in the bedroom so that I can actually orgasm?

I’ll start by giving a list of reasons I broke up with him.

1. He was weird about his phone, I never looked through it but asked a month prior to splitting. I just wanted to see his instagram and he said no, that it was an invasion of his privacy.

2. Finances… all of the bills were in my name, including the cars, insurance, the rent, water, gas and electric. I also purchased groceries and basically every piece of furniture.

He split the mortgage, water, gas, car loan and insurance for “his car”.

3. We have been together 9 years no engagement.

4. He lost his job I believe do to feeling irreplaceable and took advantage of company perks. He has lost more than one job since we’ve been together and now he’s getting involved in a startup. I had to cover for a few months of rent and car payments, he repaid most of it.

5. My parents booked us a trip to their house in California for Christmas, flight paid for- free trip. While we were there we went out to multiple dinners with my family and he didn’t offer to pay for a single meal. My dad noticed everything I say he says the opposite or tries to prove me wrong, he was also offended that my ex didn’t offer to pay.

I want him to be more of a provider and I want to be treated with more respect and compassion. I love him and I’m not ready to let him go. I have a child from a previous relationship that he’s helped me raise for 8 years, my child has no recollection of his father and views my ex as his father. He also claims my son as his own. Which I have tremendous respect for. He is an amazing father.

So it’s been two months now and I’ve been dating two separate guys. I’ve only gone to dinner dates but probably around 7. These men are established and basically husband material. I have only kissed them.

I’m still sleeping with my ex and he knows I’m dating.

If my ex could support a family and step up financially I would get back together with him. I won’t be his girlfriend ever again, only his fiancé. Tomorrow we’re going on a date actually.

TLDR; I’m living with my ex, we broke up over trust, financial and communication issues but still sleeping together. Dating other men but dating for marriage exclusively. My ex knows I’m dating others.

Is it fair to date while living with your ex until you figure out what you truly want and deserve? I’ve been in therapy 2 years and he refuses to go.

So we started dating 7 months ago and right before we had started dating she had a FWB that she was seeing. I was familiar with this person as she had spoken about them before and she broke it off with them about a week before we started dating. The two had been friends for a year beforehand and they had been transitioning from male to female and when we started dating she told me that she wanted to remain friends with this person. I was worried about this at first obviously, since its long distance and it was recent, but i was reassured by her insistently that she was never interested in pursuing a relationship with this person due to her transition (This is just personal preference she is bisexual and pro-trans). I was further reassured that this person was angry when my girlfriend broke it off with them as bad as it sounds. At the time my girlfriend needed a roommate and this person denied her due to them halting the benefits. I would have protested this more if this person wasnt her only friend at the time, as all her other friends in the DnD group she was in kicked her out for unknown reasons and because of this they remained close friends, after patching things up after she broke off the benefits. Fast forward a few months and we finally get to meet in person and while it was fun for the most part, i was sexually inexperienced and had great difficulty "keeping it up" despite being incredibly attracted to her due to recovering from a very bad sickness. After our week together things were great and i fully trusted her, but a big hit in my confidence started to show when she decided to get piercings in a particularly riskay spot, and that is fine i think its attractive, but what worries me is that this FWB paid for it as a christmas gift. I never questioned it because i didnt want to look insecure, and rationalized it as a girls relationship. On top of this, in the past she was always a sexually charged individual and being long distance we would sext often, video call, dirty talk and whatnot, but now it barely even happens. She is incredibly busy, holding 2 jobs and going to school and has explained that she just isnt in the mood anymore but it still worries me as she still hangs out with this FWB and occasionally spends the night with them and their mother because her apartment doesnt have a laundry machine and she works with them on a delivery route extremely early in the morning. We always text and she always lets me know when she is staying over with this person and assures me she sleeps on the couch, but recently i was feeling particularly insecure and i asked her directly for proof and she snapped at me saying it made her uncomfortable and that i crossed a boundary. Im worried that the reason she is never as eager to do things with me is because her needs are being fulfilled by this person and ive been getting cheated on. I really WANT TO TRUST HER because she reassures me but my emotional side is screaming at me. wtf do i do, i love this girl we were best friends before this and things are great when we hangout, but this just seems damning.

Mom of bf (27 M) doesn't want me at his birthday dinner

I (30 F) was just informed that my boyfriend (27 M soon to be 28) Mom doesn't want me at his birthday dinner. I've met the family multiple times and even spent Christmas with them this past year but for some reason she only wants the birthday dinner to be her, my boyfriend, and his sister. He says not to read too much into it, but honestly it makes me really offended. I feel like there's no reason for me not to be included, especially since if it was my birthday everyone is allowed to be invited. It makes me think that it would weird her out to pay for my food or something like that. I'm really not sure, and he told me not to read into it, but I can't help but read into it. Am I crazy for being offended? I'm not really sure what to say.

I work at a university and also take classes there, getting another degree. I never really thought I'd be in this situation but I've known this girl since last semester and it feels like she is interested me by the things she does and says. I started thinking about and realized I do like her, it's just the age gap is the only thing that concerns me. I always felt a bit judgmental in the past of people with age gaps larger then 2-3 years difference in their relationships but I think I know realized how stupid that was. A 6-7 year difference is pretty different though then 2-3, I've never been with anyone that much younger then me before and only have been with people around my age or a few years older. I think I'm asking if anyone thinks is this okay to do. She comes across way more mature then most people I've been with my age, clearly has her head on straight. We really get along whenever we talk, hasn't really felt this way in awhile, it's literally just this age gap holding me back.

So I feel like I am reading, mixed signals, and I want to get a clear advice from an outside source it began three months ago when I started a different position at my job and I was working as a line people who are know that you work really side-by-side with the person specially if you’re on that station, we mainly have the same shifts so we’re next to each other for hours, so we came to realize that we like the same thing basically bounce off each other, personal personality, and things like that and he has his phone groups, which they work at the same job too so they have a regular guy friendship group where honestly sometimes he think they might be gay but they’re not because most of them have girlfriends so I’m already used to have the act. We bounce off each other personalities and things like that. We’ve always flirted, but I think that was just a regular thing like we didn’t go too much in depth to it. It was just fun thing, and then one of his friends instigated something and I was playing along with it I’m very open not too much but I kinda go into details about what I like sexually and what I don’t think and he’s open with it too so we were doing in a joking way I said I like this and one of his friends had told him was like fake name will go Gerald Gerald P likes this can you do that and he was like yeah and his friends like oh Gerald said he can do it and I was like oh, he should name a time of plays and as soon as like Gerald, she said he should name a time and place she’s wanting to get down, and we were joking, back-and-forth and things like that, and that occasion, where happened I guess also have to do the sleep deprived because we were there for like around 2 o’clock so I had taken his hat earlier that day as a manner it was already closed a time and taking it and I didn’t wanna give it back and he’s like I’ll give him my hat he was like no it’s my hat and like what do you talking about like talking and it started getting flirting and things escalated when we went downstairs and we’re clocking out and like I was running around with the hat and was trying to catch me and he caught me briefly and for like a few seconds, but then had a huge impact on me and so I actually got his number a few weeks prior because we were trying to see if we can do a book thing because we like the same book and I was recommending him one of the books that I read that I felt very interesting the book to him and he was gonna write it and things like that but packed the story I texted him I was like how much for the Red Bull because earlier in the day I had him order me a Red Bull because I didn’t have my phone on me at the time and he did so I was like how much for the red like one hat I was like well it’s too bad cause I only have one hat and that’s my hat and he was like no it’s my hat, and then just escalating instead of flirting, like flirting things like that like bad bad flirting so that night I guess the sleep was getting to me and I was like you know actually like you like I generally like you like I like you like you and he was like oh me like no shit he was like yeah I was like well you don’t show it like I got it I ask you if you were together if you had a girlfriend like no and then I was like do you want one you’re like no I don’t want one and so I was like oh I didn’t think you would just make whatever he like. You didn’t show it out he was like don’t show it because it’s workplace and I don’t really want my business and other people and I don’t wanna come out as uncomfortable like shit too. That’s why I didn’t say anything like we flirted so bad like we sent pictures but not really nudes it wasn’t anything bad like everything was cover up except he sent me a picture from shirtless and he was so sexy like I’m thinking about it but I’m actually in a relationship it’s not like the guy super sweet but our sexual preference are just not there and I’ve tried open the conversation to him about it is just feel like he shut me down so Gerald new very beginning that I had a boyfriend and this conversation I said clear boundaries and we were looking to just I guess each other, Work, boyfriend and girlfriend I guess and we said boundaries he’s like yo still focusing on myself so I don’t want anything serious, but we can be friends with benefit and things like that and I’m excited I know I’m shitty. I have a boyfriend and I’m doing this believe me I’ve condemn myself I get it and so yeah everything was good and I said good night always me because I was getting really really tired and we have work the next day the next morning I was like OK night did you sleep good? Are you working today you replied and then we had the night prayer we had agreed that we were gonna keep it quiet. We didn’t want anyone to know my very private person on certain things especially if I’m dating someone I’m working with I don’t want anyone to know because it’s kind of awkward or something happened which I did so we worked together that day and then the day after, like one replace my message sees it reply doesn’t see it nothing and so I’ve tried different technique first I was worried as like maybe something happened and then I was like annoyed and I was like angry and then I was like wanting as nation and then I was like over it but these feelings wasn’t I guess still is there and so now is taking a weird twist a guy in his friend group that works there I never really talk to work with before, but we just didn’t have that conversation. He only usually talk to his friends or his friends, and so he started opening up to me, more like talking to me, and including me, and things like that, and never used to happen, and then he started calling me last night so he will call me my name plus Gerald last name and it was super confusing and seems like most of them know something I don’t and he made like of joking. Joking comment about Gerald liking me and I played it off because anyone to be awkward and the first time I was called his last name I acted like I didn’t hear it because again, didn’t want to be awkward and clearly didn’t like me and the way we even got back to friends me and Joe is because at the end of the day I felt like I had to apologize if I had made have escalated things understand we both were in it and like he participated by also participated so I apologize for my part, and we slowly became friends because it was awkward a few times when we’re together he just ghosted me it was a lot awkward. I didn’t talk to and he didn’t talk to me and I really really hated because I really liked his friendship everything blew up. I generally liked him and friendship and things like that so I was like I messaged him like yo this is awkward. I’m sorry if whatever part that I played, I hope we can go back to being friends and we slowly didn’t now we’re back to square one, the same shit we started the floating the touching the it’s back to square one but friends are fields of fire because I feel like they know something and they keep making comments back and liking me and I’m like he can’t like me because he literally ghosted me and didn’t give me a reason, so how can he sit here and say he liked me but made me feel like shit but there’s something about him that I feel like I’m obsessed with him and working that clothes environment isn’t helping whatsoever but I can’t get a new job because I love the place I love the environment of the people I love working there I generally do and I love his friendship I don’t wanna get that up but it’s getting a bit hard because I want this guy it seems he wants me to but what the fuck is going on why did he ghost me I wanna know but I don’t wanna bring up the conversation and there since we’ve been in close proximity and you can feel the tension there you can feel something there but oh my God he won’t do anything it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit, then yanking it away and then expecting the rabbit not to like look for it like like I know, it’s there like I can give it to me please honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore so I just need advice to do a different perspective because I feel like I’m going inside so sorry for the long explanation I tend to go into also if his friends are Reddit or if he’s on Reddit and he sees oh my God I’m so embarrassed, but yeah Gerald I like you and I feel like you like me too but why are you being a bitch bitch about it bitch. I need advice.

——TW for Overdosing and Drug Use ——

Basically I want advice on how to confront this / if to confront this or if I’m being sensitive.

Friend of mine and I got to talking about people and society in general (me arguing most people can relate to unpleasant emotions and them arguing most people can relate to pleasant emotions). The topic was going fine and just a convo but they said “I’m actually going to double down on this” and I jokingly responded “of course you are” since they often joke about their own combative personality and desire to be right. They quickly got defensive and said “I don’t always double down what are you talking about weirdo” completely straight faced and serious. I honestly just stayed quiet because I felt I offended them with the comment even though I was hurt by being called a “weirdo” in front of our other friends. That topic kinda died down.

Later in the day, they talked about their desire to do a certain drug that my cousin overdosed and passed away from. They talk about wanting to do this drug semi frequency and know my cousin passed from it. I always say something along the lines of “it is highly addictive and I really think that’s a horrible idea” etc. Well I said something similar this time and they replied “ugh I KNOW it’s addictive I’m not saying it’s not.” I was really taken aback by the snark because this isn’t something I think is a joke at all. I also don’t really know what they want me to say back if not “don’t do that” to the idea of my good friend doing the drug that cost me a family member, like in no world am I supporting this. I want to be clear our other friends were saying “yeah not a good idea” type answers as well but being less serious than me.

I think I am set to confront about not discussing their desire to do this drug with me present anymore because it honestly does give me a bit of trauma response. My family has a lot of addiction and I really do not mess with stuff like that and don’t have a desire to know if any friends are wanting to explore it honestly. The way they flippantly talked about it caused our other friends to joke about it and I had to say “I don’t think this is funny” for it to stop.

Iffy on confronting them about the other issues here too? They are self admittedly combative and this is far from the first instance, but I don’t really know how to go about it. This is a person who hates being wrong and will combat me (specifically) if I say any generalization they don’t agree with. I’m in a place where I feel like I can never win with them.

My boyfriend and I have been dating since February 28th, we have been seeing each other and 'dating' since November. I've noticed that when I compliment him or text him something sweet, he doesn't react how I expect.

He doesn't get angry with me, or upset, but he either ignores the message or just kinda laughs it off like it made him feel awkward. He told me that he isn't used to receiving compliments and its 'something weird' with him. He tells me he just isn't an emotional guy, which is okay. But I feel bad if I make him uncomfortable.

Sometimes I feel like I am coming on way too strong when he reacts this way to compliments or sweet texts. I'm not swarming him with affection or anything, I tend to stay back in relationships because I worry about smothering the other person, but it's almost like I come off as 'weird' if I compliment him, even though he is my boyfriend...?

This happens with physical affection as well, though less so. With intimacy I feel like I have a much higher drive than he does and I feel like even with innocent touches, he doesn't like it as often and thats when I feel like I am being too forward.

Is it just because we haven't been dating for very long? In all my past relationships, there was a lot of love-bombing, and with my boyfriend now, he didn't do that (which I am grateful for). But it almost feels like there is distance between us, even though we see each other often during the week, have sleepovers, etc we spend a lot of time together. But sometimes I honestly forget I have a boyfriend and I will be sitting during the day and think 'huh. i have a boyfriend' lol.

Is it me? Am I being too affectionate to him and scaring him away? I really adore this guy, he's the first guy I've dated who treats me with respect and never wants to do anything on purpose to hurt me.

Hi, I've been in this relationship since exactly the beginning of this year on January 1st. When we first met everything seemed great, we both enjoyed each other's company. We would spend time playing games, watching movies, shows, just talking etc.. But after a month she started showing a side I guess she had been hiding. Before we got together she told me she has BPD, and tbh I didn't have any experience with it before, and she showed no signs of anything prior to us deciding to date. I also didn't think much of it because I had little knowledge on the subject, and I just didn't do research until after I had seen it for myself.

To give some context in the beginning of the relationship I gave pretty much all of my time to her, which was completely on me, I gave her an idea that I could spend all my time with her constantly. However, we're not close at all, there's a 6 hour time difference between us. So when I get home for work she would be going to bed, which to me is okay, I could come home read her to sleep or at least be with her when she falls asleep. And on weekends i can give her all the time i can. But to her, on weekdays if I don't sleep when she does or if I'm not there in a call when she wakes up I don't care about her. Which is just not true, but I also have other things going on in my life. I work 10 hour shifts from 5am to 4pm, and I have friends and a family I also should be giving at least some of my time to, which i was completely upfront about either before or right after we started this. I don't really even talk to my friends anymore, and I fear losing friendships might be the outcome, friends I've known for a long time. Because if I do anything or make plans with anyone or I don't update her on everything as they're appening she makes it seem like I'm a bad person, and that they're "more important" when to her she should be more important than anything. I really try to update her, but I can't always focus on that when I'm out trying to have a good time with friends, I have no problem telling her how everything went every time but it's not enough for her. And even when I try to do stuff on my own just to be alone, she doesn't understand and doesn't know why I would want to be away from her if I care about her. I think everyone needs alone time, but to her, my alone time is at work or on lunch at work and that should be enough for me.

Writing this I feel bad because I understand the issues and symptoms surrounding BPD a lot more now. And I know she can be more caring than anyone I've ever met. Its like an on an off switch where she is the most innocent, caring and understanding person on the planet, and then it goes to being compassionless, passive aggressive, distant and sometimes hurtful. There's also been multiple times where she's self harmed and even tried taking her life. I never blame her, I never try to make her feel like it's her fault because I know she blames herself enough, but every time it happens it breaks me. The last time it happened she had a note written for her mom and she said she was gonna send her plush panda to me so I could take care of him. That panda is the most important thing to her, but the thought of me holding it thinking about her losing her life hurt more than I've ever felt before. She talks to it like it's her baby, and to me it seems to keep her at least somewhat positive. I really care about her, and I'm in tears writing this, but mentally I'm not okay anymore, and I don't know what to do. I always try my best to keep it positive and try to support her but she almost always gets negative regardless.

Should I leave? Should I go about something differently? And does anyone else have experience with this?

A few months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because I didn’t see a future with him and he gets really cold, distant, and kinda an a**hole when he is upset. He wanted to mend things and prove to me that he was devoted to our relationship/he could change. He did and I saw a new future in our relationship.

But for over a month, it seems like he has lost all intimate interest in me. As if he’s not attracted to me. When we’re together and I bring it up, he would say that his head or stomach hurt. Until the last time we hung out, he told me to not bring it up anymore or else he’d feel “pressured into having sex with me” so I let it go. But in that past month, whenever he’s been upset with me, he will tell me that the reason he’s not intimate with me anymore is because he’s not emotionally satisfied, I don’t focus on pleasing him, etc.

So, I’ve tried to be more thoughtful, fulfilling his requests, and devoting more of my time.

A few days ago, he told me that he can’t get over the fact that I told him that I don’t see a future with him and that I didn’t think he had goals/ambitions/etc. he said that it’s caused him to not be emotionally fulfilled and it is the reason why he hasn’t been intimate with me. When I ask him if he sees a future with me, he tells me that he doesn’t know. Then, when I ask what I can do, he says: he wants me to be more obsessed with him, more considerate and more thoughtful. The problem is, I try really hard to do everything he says he wants me to do. But he changes what he wants. Some days he wants me to leave him alone when he’s upset. Other days he wants me to coddle him. And it’s so hard for me to figure out which one he wants when he’s upset because I can’t read him mind and figure out what support he needs. And if I give him the support that he didn’t need, it makes him feel less loved, which makes him accuse me of not caring about him.

Anyways, I asked him how I could be more obsessed, more considerate etc and his answer was just to make him feel loved. I told him that he was being too vague and it doesn’t help me. I also told him I’ve been feeling insecure from him not wanting to be intimate with me. Then, he got upset and said that I’m never positive, I always bring up my feelings when he wants to talk about his, I’m inconsiderate, I talk too much, I say the wrong things etc. it feels like he wants me to just a doormat for all his frustration and anger, and it’s made me feel weak and silenced. Overall, I have a feeling that he doesn’t like me anymore and doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he doesn’t have the courage to end it. I want to bring it up and talk about it, but then I’m doing everything that makes him not feel loved: being “negative”, sharing how I feel when he’s the one who’s supposed to be upset, “talking too much” etc.

I want to know: how I should approach this conversation? Should I wait it out? Give it a few days?

tl;dr tried breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years, a few months ago. Now, he is upset by my decision and it’s caused him to not want to be intimate and feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. I feel like he wants to end things with me but doesn’t have the courage to.

I (23F) have been dating my bf (27M) for about 6 years now. We have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 of them. We come from different cultures (him from quite a manly one), we speak different native languages, we communicate in English. He had a rougher upbringing and argued a lot in his life, while I am extremely non-confrontational and grew up relatively privileged (nothing too crazy though, just better country, more stable family situation and being a little bit spoiled due to being an only child, my family is middle class). I do love my him but I had many times throughout the years that I was close to breaking up with him. I've made a list of all the bad things and good things:
Bad:
- Whenever we argue he calls me dumb, idiot, loser, even though when I called him that as a joke once at the beginning of the relationship he got offended. He also at times gaslights me and shift the blame to me as his defence mechanism, which he does not even notice doing.
- He never apologises
- He always speaks of himself as if he is of higher value when we argue, like that I can F off from his life or that he will finally know peace when I'm gone

- He is not empathetic when we have disagreement. I could be crying and he would say smh on the lines of I will punch you if you don't stop (nothing physical has ever happened and he does just speak in this manner to others like family members - took me a while to understand that though because of the language barrier)

- He never wants to discuss anything from the past, even if it was never resolved. I once was in a terrible situation, assaulted and in a different country, my brain was literally pushing out anything that was happening and I was scared to speak with my bf. I did so a few weeks later, thinking he would help me through trauma, but instead he would not speak to me for some time because he was hurt that some other guy touched me (just touch though). He only talked to me when I landed in hospital because I tried to overdose, which he regarded as attention seeking. It is one of these traumatic events I cannot ever go past because we'll never discuss it. It was at the beginning of our relationship and I was barely 18.
- Even though he helps in what I am passionate about, he is always complaining to the point of taking away all the fun and stressing me out more (I am stressed majority of time so anything like that is putting even more pressure).

- He puts 0 effort. We always go 50/50, except for anniversaries. He never gets me anything randomly and for occasions it's all low effort or choose your own gift situation. He never surprises me with anything - I understand that he is not a romantic type but Google, ChatGPT and his sister (25F) exist. He always earned less than me, due to not having as many opportunities, but for the period of 0.5 y I did not have a job and nothing changed about his behaviour. I now earn significantly more than him, but his salary is also substantial. One thing to note though is my love language is gift giving, it's honestly just been one-sided and I do not want anything crazy at all - just a flower from time to time, or something he thinks I would like once he is in the store.- I do a lot of petsitting all over the world, he sometimes joins and in effect gets accommodation for free. However when I ask one thing of him, like cleaning litter box or feeding the animal the answer is just no and going about his day.
- Now, maybe a controversial point, but he does many things that I find quite disgusting. I don't want to get more into the details, but it certainly affects my perception of how attractive he is (he is good-looking).
Good:
I know he loves me and I love him. He is quite supportive in many ways and wants to help me. He is the worst when we argue, but otherwise he is caring and understands me like nobody else. I don't have close friends, I just have him. This list might seem short to what I've mentioned in the "bad" part. He wants to make me happy, but very often it just feels like I just don't want you to complain later other than acting strictly for my happiness. I am very much low maintenance, I have never asked him to pay for something for me without giving the money back and all I ask him only is to support me and my passions which he does while complaining.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we have a great relationship and never really had any problems along the way. Some days ago we were a bit drunk and I guess he felt the need to confess this.

He told me that 10 or so years ago, in his first relationship, he had raped his drunken asleep girlfriend. Although I don't think any context can make this information acceptable, he said that he was in a very bad place mentally, having discovered she was cheating for sometime, and since they lived together, one night she came back pretty drunk and he done this for some kind of revenge. Also seems like she didn't knew that it happen the day after.

I was so shocked I didn't know what to say, and now I have no idea what to do. I do believe ppl can change and I felt he was very sincere, and honestly brave for telling me this. But I really wish he never told me this.

The thing is I was also raped when I was 17 by a "friend", and I too was drunk and asleep, so this triggered me a lot. Now I'm on the best relationship of my life with someone who did to someone the worst thing someone has done to me, and I have no idea how to feel or what to do. I really love him and our relationship, but im not sure if I can move past this.

Do you think I should let go of this past version of him or is this too big of a red flag to look past?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years, and we started having sex about a month ago. It hurt the first couple of times, but I figured it was just because I wasn't used to it. But when it continued to, I asked him about if we could try using lube because it wasn't comfortable and I felt that we might need it.

He got really offended by that, way more than I was expecting. I wasn't at all trying to target him, I just thought that it might make it a better experience. Honestly, it's a little embarrassing that we might need to use it, because I shouldn't be like that and it shouldn't be needed. But I'd rather that then continue with it being painful.

But he's still irritated at me that I even suggested it and said I was basically implying he's terrible at sex. And I'll be honest, he could be better but given it's only been the first couple of times and it might have been what his previous girlfriend liked, I'm not sure. I'm just not sure why it was such a big deal, and how I can make him get over it because I really wasn't trying to offend him. English also isn't my first language so sorry if it doesn't make sense :)

We've been together for years, had our ups and downs. She was and maybe still is very loyal and caring.

3 weeks ago i asked for her phone and she let me go through but taking it back when i see something i dont like. Eventually said that i should trust her and not let this phone come in-between our relationship. A week later i drove the evening to where she stays with her mom to find her getting out of a car with another man. This was her mothers boyfriends son (26M). She acted what i would say a little suspicious but it could be my insecurities chasing me. This past Sunday i talked to her and explained how i feel and that she broke my trust and i have zero trust to anything she says and this relationship is damn near on its way out the door. But i wanted to take one last step to try and save it and thats to take her for a polygraph test. She said its going to change the way she sees me and dont want to do it so she chose to end the relationship. On my way back home she begged and pleated for me to rethink and to please take her back and promise she had done nothing wrong. So i gave her 2 other options. 1. She moves in with me cuz her mother is extremely toxic and works poor with money and jumps from one man to another and im scared its going to wash down to her daughter (my gf). And 2. She becomes more open to me. Chat more regularly to me and also give me full remote access to her phone. So far she's had an excuse for everything accept chatting more. To me it doesn't feel like she's trying and i know im not in her shoes or im not even seeing if shes trying but i know what im capable of and id i was that serious id need about 1 day's time and my full cooperation would be given. How do i handle it from here?

For some context, we have been together for 3 years now. He has a child from a previous relationship. We had problems from his previous relationship because he would meet up with his bm and not tell me and not tell when they would both go together to their child’s events. Now, I don’t mind that he goes to his kids event because of course I want him to go and support his child but the problem is when he doesn’t tell me nor says that her mom is also there and hides that from me.

Recently, her mom has gotten into an accident that has left her bedridden and she is not able to function properly. Her child is 4 years old.

Since then, I have took it upon myself to help him raise their child. He is my partner and I have always said to him I will help in anyway I can. Even before her mom was here, we would do things together as a “family” and I would watch her from time to time as well as take her places. I bathe her, feed her and prepare her meals, do her hair, get her ready, take her and pick her up from school, and take her where ever she needs to go. I work with her on letters and reading when I can because I am also a student who goes to school and i am not always here but when I am my attention is always on her and my bf. My boyfriend calls me a half ass stepmom because I don’t “ask about her” .. I have bought his kid clothes, shoes, and even helped with her hair routine because she has lovely hair. I will always try my best to educate her when needed. But is this considered a half ass step mom? I need answers because this is my first relationship with a man with a kid and he wants me to be her mom but I refuse to do that because she already has a mom, I don’t expect her to call me mom or anything like that. I always ask her how’s her mom and stuff. Her dad is a good dad but often times I’ll catch him yelling at her when he didn’t need to or she’ll be upset and he’ll lose his patience. I get sad seeing this because she’s just a child. if it wasn’t for me and my strive to make sure she can read by kindergarten she wouldn’t be where she is at today because he had her watching tv a lot and eating unhealthy food.

One time, he came at my weight because I had told him he needed to feed his child more nutritious foods. But besides all this.. am I really a half ass stepmom or what else can I do to help a good stepmom?

I've been dating a guy for three months now. I like him very much and everything's been going great but lately, some strange behaviors have popped up.

He told me that he doesn't want me to meet other men and he's even sceptical about some totally platonic male friends that I have. The other day, he blew up my phone with messages after I posted a pic of myself with a male friend that I've known since childhood.

He wanted to know who this friend is, what we're doing and he seemed to be very mad. I had to reassure him several times that he's just a platonic friend from my childhood.

Moreover, he gets weird when I spend time with other people. The other day he asked me about my weekend plans and I told him I'm going to meet up with people and he wanted to know all the details.

Or last week I posted a pic of myself at a dinner place (I had gone there with my family) and he immediately texted me: "Who are you having dinner with? why are you dressed up like that?"

Also, he always expects me to text him back right away and when I don't, he gets mad, asks me where I've been and what I've been doing and generally acts passive-agressively.

Do you have any idea what's going on? Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he act so strangely when it comes to other men and why does he ask so intensely?

I am 27 F and my boyfriend is 34 M, we have been dating for 5 years. Went through all ups and downs and are finally both in first year of dental school together. We recently started living together but now I am starting to wonder if I actually can spend my life with him. Since we both go to same school (I wish to specialize so I am going extra hard at studies), I go to all the lectures and make notes while he stays at home. At first it did not bother me because he would cook or keep the home clean. It seemed like a fair deal. Now, he has been nagging about how he does all the work and I go to school and the place is not clean anymore, there is no more cooked food. He won’t even do groceries by himself. I also find him lacking in his studies. He is not aware of where any assignments are and it might not seem like a lot but he’s staying home. His lack of ambition or self discipline is really starting to bother me. I have to ask for the same thing to be done for over 2 weeks. Also, because he does not go to classes or watches lectures at home I teach him everything, I am also the one who is always worried about timelines. Lately, we don’t even sleep at the same time anymore. I am out all day, I come home and we decide to do takeout because I am too tired at the end of the day to cook. We eat or study and he will make an excuse on how he’s coming to bed in an hour but will never make it before 1am. Mind you, my day starts at 7am. I just know if we breakup now it will be so difficult since we go to the same school but I am unable to see a future with someone like him. How should I proceed?

No really. I am asking this. To the void. To the void that is reddit. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight after an hour of talking to my ex (I don't consider him my boyfriend again in spite of getting back together because he behaves like an ex).

​

What is wrong with me that I keep holding on to this person who is SO committed to misunderstanding me? Who is addicted to arguing? Who tries to logic me out of my needs? Who can't take accountability. Who is so damn stubborn and gives up so easily? What on earth do I feel so drawn to? All of my friends are emotionally mature. Fuck I have even repaired some relationship flaws with my NARCISST father. What old wound in me is so damn drawn to a guy who made me feel so special for a damn year only to turn around and become so self centered, distant, picky about what I wore and how much makeup I put on. Who laughed at me? Mocked me? Pushed me to my absolute breaking point and in spite of going to couples counseling with me is driving me to the brink of insanity yet again? I am giving UP! I have to. He is so emotionally unavailable and tries to weasel his way out of loving me properly. He treats me like a freaking clueless idiot. He makes fun of me, and when I called out his sketchy behavior, he tries to twist the narrative instead of owning up to his narcissism. my therapist is not convinced he is a one but damn he really flips into a jerk sometimes. I can't let go so I begged the couples counselor to help me leave. I give up. I talk and I talk and not a single word is heard. He doesn't have enough empathy. He is too self involved. He is too egotistical. I feel so sad. I just wanted my boyfriend back. I guess he was never real. I guess that's all this ever was. I just feel gypped. Truly though, what is wrong with me?

I was in an online relationship with this guy for about 2 1/2 years, we’ll call him T. It was amazing and he’s absolutely perfect. I think of him as my soulmate and love of my life etc etc but I went through some traumatic stuff last summer and I had to end things for my own mental health. We still talked here and there but I could never get him out of my head. I had a fling with someone but ended up ending it with him because of T. I know online relationships aren’t exactly “real” but I do love him so it’s hard.

We’ve never met but we live in the same city. But I’m scared to and I feel like there’s too much history now to meet.

I’m currently seeing this new guy for the past couple months and he’s great, perfect even. But I still can’t stop thinking about T. He always says he’ll meet me wherever but I’m just so scared to or I feel like if it doesn’t work out with him then I wasted 2 1/2 years of both of our times. I know that doesn’t make sense because not talking to him is the same thing. But idk what it is with me that I can’t get him out of my head

Basically, what can I do to get over him T so I can completely open up to this new guy and move on?

This is my first time posting so I apologize for any formatting issues. I have a best friend that we will call Jade. We have been friends for around 3 years and around a year ago I realized that I may be in love with her. We are both bisexual. I have all the romantic attraction to her and the love however I have no desire for anything sexual with her and because of that it’s taken me a while to accept that I have feelings for her at all. We have talked about how we have something with each other that is more than a friendship but not something that is romantic or sexual as far as we can tell and she has told me that she doesn’t think she would ever want to date me.

I want to tell her that my feelings are actually romantic but I also know that we could never work in a relationship. I love her to death but she is terrible to her partners (lying, cheating, manipulating, gaslighting, etc) and I don’t think she would even be worth potentially getting myself into a situation like that. I have been trying to push down my feelings but it’s not working and every time she gets a new boyfriend it hurts and I have a hard time being happy for her which I know isn’t healthy. She has had 5 relationships in the past year and wants me to support her each time she meets someone new but she gets very upset and jealous if I start talking to anyone and tells me that I shouldn’t get involved with anyone. Also all of our friends and family think we are already dating and hiding it because of how close and comfortable we are with each other and every time someone brings it up it gives me hope that maybe something could happen between us.

I don’t know if it is worth bringing up to her and having a conversation about. Any advice about what I should do is appreciated since I’m so confused and unsure of what to do.

For more context, Survivor is a show that he has watched for years with his family and has recently shown me in the last couple of months.

I was on reddit on his phone and went to his followed subreddits to see if I was interested in any of them and I noticed he has the r/survivorbeauties in his recently viewed subreddits. Its this subreddit where guys post beautiful women from the show and some of the pictures are NSFW. Feel free to take a look if that helps. I just feel really uncomfortable and Im honestly not sure why. Should I ask him about it or is this something I should just forget about? Im not sure how to feel, but I don’t want to blow something small out of proportion. Im sorry for any poor grammar, I appreciate anyone who reads or takes the time to comment/give advice :)

So, I’ve been in my current relationship for over 7 months. Everything is great, she is exactly what I’ve always been looking for. We understand each other perfectly, she supports me in the same way I support her, whenever we fight we always talk it out, and basically everything else is just perfect. It’s my dream come true.

One day we were talking and found out she previously recorded herself having sex with her exes ( < 4 ). This made me start to imagine about this people being able to access her intimacy up to this day, thing I believe is my right to have exclusively, since we are in a monogamous relationship. Also, is against my values to “give away” my intimacy in such a way, or at least I know for sure I’ve criticized girls for this in the past.

I’ve never done it, so I don’t know how to deal whit this situation. My therapist told me to decide which is the most important to me, our relationship or her past. I don’t know what to think about her, or if I really see her different.

How should I know if I’m going to be able to be ok with this situation and be happy with her?? Should I just break up with her?? I’m really confused

Right now this is a crossroad for our relationship. And I don’t know what I can do about it. We have 3 young daughters, and that was my limit for kids. I am our primary earner, I work about 50+ hours a week while he stays with the younger kids and works from home. I barely get to see my own children as it is, as I also work nights.

MIL and FIL have raised nephew since he was a newborn, his father (my husbands brother) is in the picture, he just doesn’t want to take care of nephew. He’s let MIL be mommy for the past 9 years. As of now MIL and FIL are divorced both have a new boyfriend/girlfriend and are exhibiting that they don’t want to be the parents to nephew anymore.

Tonight, my BIL came over, asked if nephew could stay the night because he had “stuff to do and couldn’t watch him” then just casually brought up that MIL and FIL don’t want to take care of him anymore and that if me and husband took him, BIL would pay us 1,000 a month.

Of course this was about an hour before I had to leave for work and I gave my husband the look of , “don’t say a word” and kindly said “it’s okay if nephew stays the night tonight but me and husband need to have a serious discussion about taking him in.”

After I left for work I called my husband very upset and said, we needed to have a discussion but I am in no way comfortable taking in another child when we already have 3 of our own, and when he has a father who is capable of taking care of him, he just doesn’t want to.

Husband says “yeah but 1,000 a month is a lot of money” and I said I didn’t care about the money it’s the principle and I don’t think it’s something I’m willing to do. But husband stood his ground pretty much saying he’s going to do it.

We don’t have room for nephew, he’d have to sleep on the couch. Our girls have their own bathroom and closet, and bringing a 9 year old boy to live with 3 young girls isn’t something I want to do at all.

So my question is, what options do I have? Can my husband still take in my nephew even if I say no? We live in an apartment and my name is on the lease, I pay bills and provide for our family.

TLDR; my husband is trying to take in his nephew even though I’m not comfortable and don’t want to, and I don’t know my options.

For some backstory me, and let’s call her S, have been talking for some time. During our duration of talking, S would always suggest we make it official. However, a lot of things plagued my mind and at home wasn’t going well. At the time I felt like going official would be doing a disservice because I wouldn’t be able to give my all. Additionally, problems going on in the situation ship led me to ultimately think it was a good idea just to officially break things off and say I don’t want a relationship even though I had been saying it in the past. It has been a little less than 2 months now and I’ve got to say I am in rough shape. I haven’t felt like this ever since my previous relationship and the whole thing is just driving me nuts. I’ve went to S recently and suggest that we get back together however in the span of only not even 2 months (we had been on talking terms for more than a year) she’s managed to move past those feelings and even started talking to someone else. I’m hurt beyond words because I feel like I really just made a bad mistake. I can’t stress how much I love this girl and the time really made me realize that, however she does not feel the same. What would be the best move?

About us: We don't have children.

We don't own a home

Been together for 8 years married for 3.

We have been living with his brother, the brothers wife and their growing family for 6 years now. During this time we were supposed to be paying off debt and saving for a home.

We have been trying to conceive for like 2 years now. Last year the clinic tracked my cycle for 6 months. Everytime I was about to ovulate he would only be able to have sex ONE of the days. The next day he was tired from work or he just wasn't in the mood. It pissed me off bc I was paying like $200 a cycle. Then I told him he needed to start paying for it maybe it'll motivate him. Not long after we had a consult and decided to try Ivf this year.

Last year February I found out he had been gambling and racked up 30k in credit card debt. So while I thought our goal was marriage, home, baby...he was digging us into a secret hole. I asked him about where the credit card debt came from and he told me he bought my engagement ring and has to get his car fixed and he charged our plane tickets for a trip at some point. When I asked where his cash was -- he makes decent money-- he said his min payments bc of interest were high so it's a lot. I said you're not gamling are you? and he said no.Upon investigation I found the cash was going to draft kings online casino. All of it. He was even taking money from our joint savings. I was devastated for so many reasons.

Anywho this past Saturday night while on vacation for my birthday I saw that he had been heart eyeing women's photos on Instagram and having flirty convos. If you look at his Instagram he hasn't posted in years and so appears single. He shares stuff to his story and he doesn't share me on there. It's similar on Facebook actually. When I asked him maybe 2 years ago to put us as married on FB he asked why and said he wasn't into social media like that and didn't want to be told what to do. I got upset and he ended up putting it on there. But it was a weird red flag

I feel like I've been blind to the way I've been treated this whole time. I didn't feel like he was this type...but after seeing those messages I see him differently.

I already lost a lot of trust when he gambled and lied and then had the debt on the credit cards. I was resilient, came up with a plan and we moved forward. (He went to meetings which only lasted like a month and then we did couples therapy and he solely worked on paying off the debt I just continued to save money for a home)

This is insult to injury. I think I want to cut my loses.

I don't feel he has benefited me in any real way. Like sure, I haven't been lonely physically but I've felt very lonely emotionally. His communication sucks. He just shuts down. So when I'm going through anything he has no words for me. He's just there but like disconnected bc he'll just be on his phone. Even affection wise. He sucks. And it's obvious when he's over affectionate that he's trying to get laid..I just hate it

All of my dreams and goals have been blocked by him. My baby. My home. My self esteem at this point. My joy in life. The ease that I felt.

And he can't explain himself. When I confronted him about the Instagram dms He just says he's sorry he knows he messed up and he keeps beating himself up in his mind. I gave him time to collect his thoughts and when he was ready to talk he talked about me not spending quality time with him and recent deaths and then remembering the funeral of his grandfather when he was in HS and being almost 300 pounds when his grandfather passed and playing football and losing weight and wishing he could have won a championship. And I'm thinking to myself....are we on the same planet? The response gave -narcissism- Bc what does this have to do with them bitches in that phone and the disrespect to our marriage? To me? We are on vacation together this is quality time...and you heart eyeing bitches. Posting selfies and having girls tell you how fine you are..

When I redirected him to his actions on social media and if he wanted to talk about that he said he didn't get to that part yet.....he never got to that part. I even asked him again and he was like," I was just about to say something but I forgot what I was about to say." He didn't say shit. We are finally home from vacation and he's avoiding me like the plague. The longer he doesn't speak the more I have this feeling like we are done. Like my eyes are wide open and I hate what I'm seeing and feeling.

I love him but he's hurting me. What y'all think?

I had a terrible breakup with my ex few years before that was disguised as "falling out of love" but it was in reality, cheating. Not knowing the real reason, I even defended him and hoped he would come back. There was no real closure bec he hid the real reason. They started dating few weeks after the break up.

Not even half a year has passed, I lost my job, then I lost my dad, and then I lost that long term partner (mentioned ex). It was hard but I managed to get by. I had no support system as everyone was grieving as me. I dont know how but I got through it.

A year later, I met someone (who is my current partner) who is everything I could ever ask for. Kind, loving, supporting, understanding.

I no longer have romantic feelings for my ex, however, I still cannot let go of the anger I have for him for betraying me. I have trust issues that im working on, and I sometimes get emotional when I get worried (fearing that it may be the same story). I do talk this out with my current partner, and he always assures me.

How do I handle this? I dont want my partner to feel like im still holding a place for my ex. I also dont like how it looks like he has to deal with the issues that my ex had caused. I dont want him to eventually grow tired.

I do make progress with the issues. I worry less than I would before (me and my current partner are now two years together, pushing 3rd). I love my current partner and I actually see myself with him for the rest of my life. And he would always say he feels the same way.

Where do I start? Do you always need to forgive people that betray you? How do you let go of anger? Do I need therapy?

TLDR: Four-year relationship with no structural flaws is leaving me feeling unhappy. What should I do?

I (M21) have been with my partner (F22) for four years now. We recently moved in together last August, and are both full-time students and working full-time jobs. This is both mine and her first serious relationship.

I have nothing but good things to say about my partner. She is hardworking, beautiful, and empathetic. We have similar hobbies, life philosophies, and personalities. By all metrics, we seem like a fantastic match. We've had our fair share of fights and disagreements (like all couples do), but we would always reconcile pretty quickly afterward. I don't see any specific flaws or red flags in our relationship that should cause me any reason to question staying in this situation.

That being said, for the past six months or so I have had a lingering sense of sadness and have not been getting the usual satisfaction out of our relationship. I've found myself becoming more irritable than usual, most of the time over things that I know aren't that big of a deal. I struggle to get excited about spending quality time with each other and find myself avoiding coming back to our apartment sometimes. Though I'm sure that she has noticed that I have been acting differently, to my knowledge she isn't aware of my unhappiness or dissatisfaction with our relationship. I also don't believe this feeling is mutual, as she seriously wants to get engaged within the year. In my opinion, she seems just as committed to our partnership as ever.

I've tried my best to remedy this by spending more time together, going on more dates, and working on mutual hobbies--but it hasn't yielded long-term results. I feel like I'm going insane because though I can say I'm unhappy; I can't point out why. Occasionally, I get a feeling that I should move on, but I feel like I have no reason to feel that way. Additionally, I'm scared that this is just a phase, and everything will go back to the way it was if I'm just patient.

I haven't been able to talk to my partner about it, because I truly don't know what to say. I know it's incredibly selfish of me to continue to act like everything is fine, but I genuinely don't know how to qualify my feelings outside of the phrase "I'm not happy." I know this conversation would blindside her, and I feel like I owe it to her to have a better explanation than that. I also don't want to continue to lead her on if this is an incompatibility issue that can't be overcome.

I guess my fundamental question(s) are:

How should I move forward with talking to my partner about this?

Has anyone ever felt like this before, and if so--did it ever go away?

How would you want your partner to discuss a topic like this with you?

just keeping it short. im not sure how to approach this guy without being awkward. im too socially anxious/shy and don’t think i’m attractive for things to go a positive direction. this is a stranger i see around the gym at school every time i go. he’s always alone. but ever since i started noticing him this semester, a gut feeling tells me to approach him. i think he’s adorable. but i get racing thoughts.

he seems to be an introvert as he’s always alone or on his phone after working out in the lobby or shake bar, and i see him after my martial arts class in the same gym

we’re in university.

tldr; i don’t know how to approach an introvert while being an insecure ambivert myself, at school.

Stuck with a lot of confusing feelings.

This is spicy grab your popcorn. 🍿

Few months ago I M22 came out to my girlfriend F21 as being bi sexual. She was accepting but had many questions. What’s my type, top, bottom, what have you done etc. keep in mind our relationship has been going on for 4+ years. Ever since me telling her she has been nice but also quite anxious and afraid I’m going to leave her. She doesn’t want me to and honestly we get along quite well, families etc. if I was to marry and have children with a girl it’d be her no questions asked. Here lies the problem:

I think im more gay than bi but I hate labels. I watched Euphoria and it clicked that I don’t want to be like Nate or Cal Jacobs. Be married, raise children, and choose infidelity because of sexual urges with the same sex. I’ve expressed this and I can’t have sex or experiment with a guy while we’re dating. No questions asked hard no according to her F21.

Let’s introduce M23 who is a great friend of mine and you guessed it…gay. There just so perfect but occupied in their own relationship with another man. Having experimented in the past there are still feelings here with this person and I wish they weren’t dating someone. Not saying I want to ruin anything as that’s against my own thoughts a few seconds ago, but they are into me and I’m into them and we’re both in relationships. And honestly both scared to leave them. And who wants to start a new relationship based off of us both potentially cheating or rushing things.

What I’m getting at is I am in a relationship with a female, could picture a family and her be their mother but….i feel like I’d be miserable. And for this M23 I could see the world with them as well and (no he can’t get pregnant sadly) but even short term would like the fun. Without worrying about his relationship how do I navigate my situation, and potentially help him M23 with his feelings. As currently there is some feelings towards me and a lot of confusion.

I’m not trying to choose between the two as that’s not fair. Just want that to be clear. Maybe more of how can I get M23 :/