Anyone here ever have their kid transition far away and then essentially "meet" them as an adult? Idk how else to explain it. What's that like from a parent perspective?

I have lived 3000 miles from where I grew up for the last 6 years, and 4 years ago is when I first came out. My dad is out here rn helping me pack to move and I've just realized how much a culture shock this must be for him, given that he hasn't seen the process, really seen me, and definitely hasn't seen how I live before this.

Hi all,

My kiddo has decided she wants to start T-blockers. She isn’t on any other type of hormone therapy and we’ve done some research that seems to indicate she would need to be on hrt before starting t blockers.

I just wanted to see if any of you might have any advice on the steps we would need to take to start t-blockers. Her therapist has been a great help so far and has sent us a few endocrinologist in our area that she might be able to see, I’ll be calling them this week as well but wanted to come to you folks to see if you had any advice as well.

Edit: apologies for the confusion, I’m still new to this :) she wants to be on T-blockers.

Ty!

This already presents its own set of challenges under the best environment, but under trump…I’m fearful of even greater challenges for my child. They will graduate and begin college under this next administration. I am growing increasingly nervous for their life ahead. This could just be my paranoia, but are any other parents grappling with this fear?

Hi all, my 18 year old has recently expressed he want to transition from M to F. l'm looking for advice on how to help, due to Autism and a few other things, I am still looking after her, we don't know where to start to find clothes as she is tall and very self conscious, I have offered to just take my card and go shopping for what she wants but she says she doesn't know. I want to help but not sure if I should just go and buy a ton of stuff and then work out what's comfortable or the tight style, I also don't want to be overbearing trying to help to much on her journey. Any advice would be great. Thanks

Disclaimer: If I get any of the terminology or verbiage wrong in this post, I apologize. As the title says - I am new to this. I am posting here for some kind of support, after having lurked for about a week. Some of the terms and abbreviations I've seen I've been able to look up and make sense of, others not so much. I do not mean to offend anyone here, and I am not intending to come off as a transphobe or a bigot or someone who's spreading hate. In truth, I'm a scared, lost man who loves his kids and doesn't feel like he has any footing to stand on right now... so I washed up here.

With that out of the way... here's little about me for perspective: I'm a cis male, almost 40, raised in a religious household though I've since defected from a lot of that (still have my personal faith, it doesn't align with my parents, sister, or cousins, etc. I was raised Southern Baptist for the most part (I know)... That said, I do not feel that homosexuality or transgender "stuff" is a "sin" - and even if it were, I don't feel that it'd be any different in God's eyes from any other sin, cause all are supposed to be equally covered through the redemption provided through the Resurrection. I don't push this on anyone, again only giving it for context.)

I am generally just a nerdy guy. I love comics, video games and the like. I've been married for 15 years and I have two kids with that woman. My kids are 13 (f) and 14(m).

At least that's how I'd of said that last part up until about a week ago. Well maybe a month. In any case - NOW it's very hard for me to adjust to the new changes. They feel so sudden. My wife says they aren't, that the kid has talked to her a lot over the last 2-4 years or so about this, but I just don't know.

Long and short of it - My son now says they are my older daughter. They have a new name for themself. They even get mad if I use "they" when I'm trying to be sensitive to their needs. About a month ago, "they" was totally okay and they were using another non-birth name but now it isn't okay and that name isn't their name, either. Apparently it wasn't feminine enough or something, so now that's changed again. This kid has been dealing with overall undiagnosed dysphoria for about a year. They say that they're a therian. At first that started with doing the quadrobics and wearing masks and tails and stuff, then it turned into being an "otherkin" (Wendigo, specifically) and the kid goes on about cannibalism a lot...because guess what a Wendigo eats? So NOW in addition to ALL of that they're stating they are trans. The trans stuff aside, I am very worried for my kid's well being and mental health. I'll get into more of why that is in a bit...

At the same time, my daughter now wants to be called a more masculine name and has proclaimed they are nonbinary. They are a lot less angry or adamant about their stuff. It sort of feels like it's tacked on just to have common ground to relate with their older sibling, but if not - I am trying to do the things they ask as well.

One of my best friends is even MTF and has been going through a ton of health issues waiting for a kidney transplant, and I've been there thick or thin for them in every way that I can be. They're a lot more relaxed with the pronouns thing, though. I probably call them "dude" more than I should, it's just the way I talk most of the time. I don't even realize I'm doing it. My friend is a lot older than my kids, too (50's) and honestly they don't seem to really care as long as they aren't being dead-named on the job or something.

As far as my wife goes... wife has just flipped a switch and it was so natural for her with the names and pronouns and all of it. "He" is now "she" and "she" is now "they" in all things and that's just the status quo. I want to take a page from her book but I have some kind of mental block that's making it difficult. Every time I hear her say one of them, especially the new "she" in the house, it feels like someone is murdering my kid again and again and again and they're making me watch while telling me I can't do anything about it. That may sound dramatic but honestly, I feel like I'm grieving... and I'm trying hard not to be resentful, because the "killer" in this case is the same person that I'm grieving on some levels. It's my kid.

Another important thing to note is that both of my kids have been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide since the school year started. We've had them through crisis intervention, and they've seen some doctors, but no psychiatric evaluations yet and the doctor who saw my son wasn't equipped to handle transgender conversations so we got a referral to some other adolescent pediatric specialist... but it's all waiting. I think their next available appointment isn't until almost Christmas. It's a LONG time to wait for support when it feels like every day over the last two weeks has been another new "thing". The silver lining of any of this is that despite it all they're both keeping pretty solid grades. They're smart kids. I love those kids so much. I'm not crying, you're seeing things... fuck...

I have been "blessed" as an over-thinker, in case you can't tell, and so there is a part of me that's like... clearly neither of my kids are in a good mental or emotional place just in general. As a parent, that's the first thing I want to address. It's the thing we have appointments for, and damn our American healthcare system for being jacked up in such a way that everything is a 3-4 month wait at minimum... but it's where we are.

I feel like that stuff is at least partially separate from the identity stuff, because you can be anxious and depressed and suicidal while adopting any identity under the sun. My son could be my son and depressed/suicidal just as easily as they could be my daughter and depressed/suicidal. I won't rule out, but don't think that necessarily pushing and rushing into a new identity is going to cure them of the other stuff that ails them. I hope that makes sense.

I also want to be clear - I'm not implying that mental illness = trans identity or anything remotely close to that... but I do think that some things need to be addressed before we start conversations about something like HRT, because I just don't feel like MORE hormones is going to make things LESS crazy. When has it ever? Then again - what do I know? I know the kid got really mad at me when I told them I wasn't going to just go rushing into HRT sort of things when they're just painting their fingernails and adopting pronouns right now. I have this stance for their well being. It's not to be mean or keep them from being their true self. I just need to rule out the other stuff for them as their caretaker right now.

My wife disagrees with me a bit on this, but she's also prone to kind of just always giving the kids what they say will make them happy in all circumstances and so far that has mostly just created some kids who by my biased opinion are great overall, but are also more self-entitled and spoiled than I'd like to see them be, too... so I can't fully trust her lead on this, either. We know that junk food in large quantities helps raise depression rates and still she keeps buying them junk food of all kinds every week without moderation just because they ask for it. They don't even beg. It's like they tell he to pick up candy and she's like "Okay, I'm buying you candy." It's a whole ... other... thing.

Also... like I remember being their age and nothing felt real or good for me, either. I wasn't dysphoric (I don't guess) so I can't say I 100% know what they're going through... I just don't know. Sigh...

All that I DO know is that I don't want to lose my kids, wife, or marriage over my reaction or handling of this whole thing... but I just don't know how to act, what to say, how to be.... and when I tell the kids how I love them and I'm there for them, because I can't express it to their liking 100% immediately the way their mom can, they just don't believe me. Again, this isn't fully a new thing just before it was "You don't love me because you don't get me everything I want when I ask for it." and now it's this deeper stuff.

I do not say with pride that I can't say I've always been an ally. I haven't. I know my current struggles with this situation is at least partially because of my upbringing. At the height of my religious conditioning (aka "upbringing") I was very much against all of it. But - for the last 10-15 years or so I have been an ally. As I said above, my views changed. I personally feel God lead me to a deeper understanding of it all. Even with that solace to lean on, in general, this is a lot for me to process.

We're 10 days from an election that could paint a world that would be welcoming and inclusive to these kids of mine, or it could be a hell scape for them. I can't protect them if it's the latter. I'm not equipped for this. I don't want them to hurt themselves or to be hurt by others. I want them to be safe, free, and... happy. I want to be an active participant in making sure they can be those things. Like we never look forward to holiday season with my family but if this is the year we don't see them anymore I think I'm basically ready to go through all of that extra intolerable stuff.

I don't know if any of this is coherent or if it's just a huge wall of text, but if you've stuck through it all to this point I want to at least thank you for listening. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this who doesn't have a super polarized opinion or a 4-month waiting list to be seen. I can't talk to any family. When I try to talk to my wife about the things, it turns into an argument, and I can only assume the blame is on me for that because I must not be articulating how I feel properly. It's just a mess and I want to make things better, not worse.

I don't even know what I need by posting this. Maybe it was the outlet. Any perspective from anyone who has walked this path similarly before would be great, I guess... even a kind word on how I can get right whatever I may have said or done wrong just in how I talked about this is totally welcome. Again, I'm just a dad who is knew to all of this and I just want my kids to be alive and healthy and themselves, whatever that ends up being.

recently things have been a little tough for us. my kid explicitly came out to his dad through text very recently and got a negative response.. my ex husband is a real piece of work and i wasnt surprised. he says that he doesnt care but he could just be trying to reassure me

a few hours ago he told me that he wishes he never came out to me . he came out a couple of years ago but he has my full support now. he knows that and ive made sure of it. I ask him why and if he feels like hes making a mistake or if he doesn't want to transition anymore.. id support him if he went down that route of changing his mind. he said no and that hes happy presenting as male. i tell him 'okay, that's cool.'

but im confused now. i dont see why he would regret coming out ( to me , i mean.. i see why he would have regretted coming out to his dad ) while not regretting transitioning . Last week we talked about hormones too and how much he'll need to be ready, both financially and emotionally. i dont want him working this year because he has exams coming up.. he doesn't want to either. but he'll have time for a part time job next year. i told him about some services i read about that offer the treatment he wants, and we talked about it.. ive honestly researched so much for him and it was nice to sit down and explain our thoughts on it. i thought it was a good discussion, we have a plan for his future.. there's hope. Weve even talked about surgery though that isnt available for under 18 year olds, and ive said that its his body and his choice. even though he'll be an adult when he goes through it, hes always welcome home and I'd absolutely help with his recovery.

im looking into helping him get a legal name change without the consent of my ex husband.. i would have done it by now if it werent for him. hes taken the initiative and has emailed people about it these week and im proud of him, but he'll need my consent which ill happily provide. i contacted his school a year ago to change his name on the register.. his nhs information is updated to his correct gender and name after he emailed them and after i called on his behalf. im working on helping him update his passport and getting a card with his name. i buy him binders no matter the price and get him period underwear. ive helped him go to school non disclosingly and students dont know about his identity.. im not 100% sure on what i think of that aspect but i respect if hes discreet and wont intefere with it as long as hes safe. i know that it's tough for transgender kids but ive helped him be his true self.

he once told me that the most transphobia he's had to deal with was from family and that he's had no issues with friends or society or school ( and even no issues with men, when i asked..) , apart from the current bathroom situation with his teachers.. which was heartbreaking to hear. A lot of extended family dont support it and i absolutely am upset on his behalf about that. but hes made me out to be unsupportive before ( maybe to fit in with other trans kids who have unsupportive parents.. but he doesnt talk to any and has always been discreet about his identity). i do love and support him. i tell him that often. he thinks i treat him like a girl who just goes by male pronouns- i don't. im not sure what he meant by that.. I was all for traditional gender roles in the past but since he came out, ive pushed back on that and challanged my own beliefs.. even when it comes to his sister. im not sure how else he wants to be treated like a son or boy. the biggest reason he feels like i don't is because i'm concerned about his safety as a trans child. he doesnt want to talk about it, but teens don't like talking about many important topics. For now he has breasts and a vagina at the end of the day.. it doesn't make him a woman at all and i will never tell him that hes a girl, but its the reality of his body. theres extra risks with him being trans.. what if hes assaulted or treated differently for it? i would rather have him educated and ready for any issues with his identity. besides that.. i can't think of any other way i treat him differently.. he's just my child and my son

i think that he might elaborate on why he said that if i prod a bit more, but im planning on waiting a little before asking. ive just talked to my friend about this but i don't think she knew what to say since her son is gay and not transgender . she suggested that it might be because im his safe person and he's taking out his frustration with my ex on me and that makes a lot of sense. Or maybe he does want to de transition but doesnt want me to know yet. im not really looking for advice but these issues are so complex and communicating is so important..

I’m not sure where to start but my son is 18 years old and he came to me a few months ago and told me how he wanted to transition to female. We have had conversations here and there over the past few years, but we have never just straight out talked about it. I am absolutely supportive of his decision. I will be honest, and I am scared not because of the whole transition thing because I know that he struggles and this I believe will be the best thing for him. It is due to how to go about the whole thing, he has researched this for a while and he wants to start injections, but I just need information on how to go about the transition in the best way for him. He does not want to see a doctor or anything like that. I don’t know if he needs to during the process, but this is why I’m posting because I just need all the answers possible. He is ready to start this like now, but I want to make sure it is being done the best way possible. I appreciate any advice, answers, and questions that you have for me if any. I am so happy to have found this group.

My AMAB kid came out to us as NB a while back and changed her name to a more feminine one but wanted to stick with he/him pronouns. Now she has asked if we can use she/her pronouns.

I'm struggling a bit more with this because old habits die hard. That's not my biggest struggle though, it's not wanting to out her to anyone she doesn't want to be out to.

I thoughtlessly told my longest BFF that she is NB when asked about the change of name. I wish I hadn't, because she is married to a TERF. Now we just don't talk about it but we only meet by Skype and I make my poor health the reason for that. (It often is the reason, but not always.) I don't want to make that mistake again.

My kid is really cool about it and just worried in case she is coming between me and an old friend. I've reassured her that that really isn't the case. If BFF turns out to be a full-on TERF, well that is a reason to cool the friendship or end it, not that my kid is trans.

My kid has said to use she/her with anyone I think will be OK with the changes. I have a friend coming over next week and I know she has supported other trans people in the past, including some who are NB. So I feel happy to use correct pronouns and for her to see kid in her new more feminine appearance - I know she'll be cool.

I don't think I'm really asking anything. I just wanted to be able to share with other people who will understand.

Oh, and this is a throwaway account. I really don't want to out my kid.

Trans kid here piggy-backing off of a post from earlier.

I am ultimately at a loss for words on how I could even begin to bare my parents' grief. I know they will grieve, and I know that they, who knew I demanded I was a boy from toddlerhood and up, will also grieve knowing how profound their actions were if they ever choose to do the emotional work it takes to make things right. I'm not saying I have to bare it literally, but it does deeply sadden me to think about sometimes. I know it will be hard for them. I respect that it will be hard for them. It shouldn't be, but it will be.

I don't think they're quite a lost cause. I guess I want to see some hope for them, that they might gain something positive despite it all. There must be something hiding in all that grief that leads you to accept, and to actually see, your child. I'm not sure I'll ever see it, but I'm sure it's in them somewhere.

I don't intend to be dismal or anything. I just find these conversations to be a bit sad. I'm not sure how to make it more digestible. You guys have done great things for us trans kids. It is warming to see people fight for their kids. Lord knows we need it.

I’m trans and must admit I can never truly understand this. My mother also claimed to grieve the ”son” she lost, but which was an idea supported by my independent therapist at that time.

I wonder what is the element of your life which disappeared. How having a trans kid is possibly emotionally taxing for you.

I'm having issues w/my daughter.(26) MTF..she has become so self centered. Shows me little respect. She's disrespectful and sometimes just mean. Shis in college out of state. I fear that she describes her childhood much more difficult than it was. Like she needs to tell stories to make her struggle sincere. This is a huge issue for me bc its fiction. Idk where this came from but I've had enuf. I want to talk about it but I'm afraid of losing her. Advice?

I’m an adult trans woman of 26, and realized I was trans back in March. In June I told my mom, whom I love with, I was her daughter and she was physically sick to her stomach. She said I had broken her heart, and had me see a psychiatrist she knew for “adulting” and for an autism eval. The psychiatrist told her he couldn’t disapprove I have gender dysphoria, and told me that he would suggest a councilor for us to go see together, if she asks him.

It’s been four months and I’m not treated as a trans woman at home, even though everyone knows. My mom, my mommy, means the world to me. I have nightmares reliving her telling me I broke her heart.

I just want to know if someone here could help me see things through her pov. I know she loves me a lot. She sent me to good schools (including an all boys hs). Shortly after I told her I’m trans, she said she wanted me to move out. She hasn’t mentioned it since, but I have a plan to move out lined up. But I don’t want this to end what we have. She’s politically a progressive person. I just don’t understand. Wouldn’t she be happy to have a daughter?

My 4 year old AMAB has started to say “I want to be a girl” but also says he wants to look like daddy and grandpa not mummy when he grows up. He has a mix of masc and fem clothing but says he wants to be a girl because of pink and sparkles. I’m totally supportive if he is trans or gender fluid but I also want to make sure he doesn’t feel like his preference in colours affects his identity. Any advice navigating the conversations would be great

My son came to me last night (just turned 15) and said he feels like he identifies as a girl. He said for the past month he’s been really thinking about it and I have seen him watching YouTube videos on the subject.

A few years ago he told me he felt nonbinary. I told him I’d support him no matter what and he didn’t mention it since.

I love and will always support my son so I don’t want to seem like I’m writing him off when I ask this but my gut reaction was it’s only been a month, are you sure? Of course I didn’t say that out loud but it is one of my concerns.

I also know he would lose family members, even his dad. That scares me. As a parent I don’t want my son to go through that and through the pain of being harshly judged so I know thinking I hope this is nothing is selfish.

At the end of the day I want to be there for him but im not sure how. I’m scared of saying or doing the wrong thing, I want to be his safe space. I’m thinking about finding him a therapist but I’m not sure if that’s the right move either.

Any advice?

Hi experienced parents of trans kids… We have our first appointment coming up for our NB 9 year old. We are so lucky to live in a state with consent to treat laws (so they don’t need a medical diagnosis like gender dysphoria) and laws that generally don’t target trans youth. So we will be discussing puberty blockers. Can anyone tell me about their experience with them, especially any “end game” plans for NB kids? My child hates their breast buds and says they want a deep voice and goatee when they grow up but they are afraid of looking like a “little kid” for longer than their peers.

We’ve explained that lots of kids are late bloomers naturally so they won’t be the only one, but I also struggle with knowing what the next step even is after puberty blockers. Just buying time to let them figure it out? I’m fine with that but does it actually help? They don’t say they are a boy but they are “masc” leaning. I just want to do what’s right to help them.

Finally, any questions you wish you had asked at your first appointment? Our pediatrician is very supportive and referred us.

Trans girl here. He said he supports me (20). He has always said this, and he has shown it too. I believe him 100%, but I know that he is deeply upset over it, and I have never seen him cry so much before in my life until I started transitioning. Last time I talked to him about his feelings, he told me that he supported me, but this has been the hardest thing he has ever gone through. He has mentioned some comments about feeling like a failed father too, and I'm really concerned. I love him so much, but i hate knowing that being myself brings him so much discomfort. No matter how many times I tell him I'm still here, he says that he still struggles with the fact he lost a son. Our day to day relationship is great, we still crack the same jokes, and have similar interests, but as soon as he starts thinking deeply about my transition it cleary upsets him. I just needed to rant, and I would appreciate any advice for me. Thank you so much.

CW: anti-trans rhetoric, grooming . . . . . . . . . I will admit that I have not done a ton of research (for peer reviewed studies) about transitioning yet since my child is quite young. But, I keep seeing random stats being spouted about the regret that people are experiencing after transitioning. Recently I saw it stated that 80% of people who have undergone HRT and surgery regret it and want to reverse it. I do not believe these numbers at all but I would love more than the one study I’ve seen that proves the exact opposite.

This has been motivated by creeping on a family member’s twitter. Basically, they are spouting this nonsense along with the idea that adults who discuss gender with children are groomers…so that’s great.

We're fighting with our insurance re hair removal for my daughter. Her dysphoria around facial hair is really bad. But I don't want to start at the referred place because it's a long drive. Is it okay to get started locally when we might wind up switching?

(Just realized... they're probaby dragging it out unti next year when we have deductibles again. Argh...)

Today my kiddo has their first appointment with a gender affirming therapist which is good to have in general, but also needed to get the diagnosis for eventual meds once old enough in our state.

I’m excited, nervous and confused. Not confused about going, but confused about how I am excited and nervous at the same time. I didn’t expect this. I guess I didn’t expect to feel anything being that it’s only therapy. In regards to the sessions: IDK what to expect other than my child getting support. I am to go in for the first session and after that my kid goes in alone (which makes sense at 14).

Is there anything I should expect? Anything I should ask? This is all very new to me. Thanks in advance.

Update: We went and we are SO excited. She helps almost all trans individuals and is married to a Trans femme individual (hope I said that right) and has a nonbinary child. She also treats kids and adults (good because my teen is almost 15 and we are looking for long term care), she has a PhD and she even teaches at a college. We feel like we hit the jackpot. She already referred us to a Trans man general practitioner too! We are in the Midwest so I’m pretty stoked!

Since I haven't posted in a while, I wanted to put this here for all the papas and mamas new to our kids unique stories or struggling with *waves hands* all this. (I went down a rabbit hole and started reading my old posts. And wow - how things change.) My kid came out to me at 13, the day before he started 8th grade. Like some of you, we've hit all the ups and downs. Struggling with changing name at school, where to get clothes, getting government issued IDs, Selective Service, and unsupportive relatives. The ups were good, the downs sometimes felt life threatening. BUT - when we say "hang in there, it gets better," here's what we mean. This past September, my son turned 23. 2 weeks before his birthday, we dropped him off at college where he's about to start for a Bachelor of Arts in Video Game Design, Conceptual Art at Columbia College, Chicago. Will he be successful or just come out the other end with a butt load of debt? Who knows - but he's living the life he's wished for for almost half his existence. Authentically and enthusiastically. It might not seem like it at the beginning, but yeah, It really does get better.

My six year old daughter is being assessed for autism and adhd and I am wondering if any of you have children with a similar situation? I’ve done very minimal research and see there may be a correlation.

ETA: My cis son is autistic (he is 9, diagnosed at 2.5) and has never questioned that his (AMAB) sister is a girl with a penis. She started preferring “girly” things at 2.5 and fully transitioned at 5. Like, he just gets it, or doesn’t care, I don’t know. But I never questioned it because it was beautiful and I felt lucky. Now it’s making more sense as I read these comments, thank you for the extra insight.

They are 13, almost 14.

In tears, in an absolute meltdown, they told me that they want to cut their breasts off with scissors. They assured me that they won't actually do it, which is helpful, but... I mean, the desire is there.

They wear binders all the time.

That my child feels like taking a blade to their own precious skin-- that my baby hates their own flesh so intensely-- I'm struggling here.

I don't know what to do.

Mom and Dad,

   I want to thank you for raising me, and always doing your best.  I always believed that, even when, as a teenager, I brooded on how your best often sucked.  My resentment toward your imperfections softened after I became a parent and saw how often my best sucked.  There was a lot more guesswork involved in deciding what a ‘good parent’ would do in any situation then I ever imagined.  Too, I know the family systems that you came from and can see that you both used your love for me to become more than you were.  You both grew as human beings to become better versions of yourself, not for yourselves or even each other – but for me.  For that reason, more than any other, I’ve kept so much from you.

   As you know, I was raised in a time and place that encouraged violence against those who were different.  I suspect that you were trying to protect me when you refused to acknowledge that I was different – or allow me to.  I wish that you had known then what I’ve learned – that not allowing your child to be diagnosed doesn’t mean they won’t notice that they’re different.  It just means that instead of thinking that I’m struggling because I have autism, DID, anxiety, depression, they’ll think, I’m struggling because I’m stupid, lazy, weak, worthless, and unlovable. 

   You started me in sports at six-years-old to make a man out of me after I answered your guests question about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Even at that age I could see how answering ‘cheerleader’ pained and embarrassed you.  Of course, I had been telling you that I was a girl since I was four years old, but this was the moment I learned it wasn’t safe to share these things with you. I lived with dissociative identity disorder from as far back as I can remember but it was this moment that I created my last alter – a boy, to protect me. 

   I remember telling you Mom, when I was twelve years old, that I thought I was autistic.  You hit me so hard, I don’t think I woke up till I was thirteen.  I never mentioned it again. I kept my anxiety and depression to myself, but the signs were there.  Suicide attempts, drugs, running away, etc., but these were seen as an ungrateful child acting out and the solution was believed to be even more strict with me.  I spent over half a century trying to prove to both myself, and the world, that I was a man.  Gentle by nature, I turned toxic masculinity inward.  I joined the military where I volunteered for the most dangerous jobs.  I became the light heavyweight boxing champion in the military.  I earned two black belts.  I was never going to be the man you wanted me to be, but I cosplayed one to perfection.

   By 18 years old, I was on the maximum dose of blood pressure meds.  I had been diagnosed with medication resistant major depressive disorder at 20 years old but when I left the military, I stopped going to doctors because you know, real men… By 50 years old, I had suffered six heart attacks, stage 3a kidney disease, liver disease, COPD, and a nasty, progressive, incurable and ultimately fatal autoimmune disorder.  By 55 years old, I walked with a cane and was in bed 18 hours a day on supplemental oxygen.  Because of the chronic pain associated with the auto immune, I was on 40mg of opiate pain relief daily.  Later that year, trying to get someone else into therapy, I began myself.  I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, then autism – level 2.  Nine months later, on June 2^(nd), 2022, I remembered I was a girl, and my life changed.

   My doctor discontinued treatment for depression six weeks later and another month after that, my anxiety meds.  After lowering my dose twice, I was taken off high blood pressure meds in Oct. of 2022.  My incurable, progressive and fatal autoimmune that is found by a marker in your blood (re: you can’t fake it) disappeared much to the disbelief of the neurologist who had been treating it for nine years.  My kidney and liver disease both disappeared.  On October 2^(nd), 2022, despite the ongoing pain from damage already done, I took myself off the opiate pain meds because, as I told my doctor – I got hit with the fantastic four of feel-good chemicals and apparently joy is stronger than pain.  Although I didn’t begin HRT until Oct. 21^(st), Oct. 2^(nd) was the day I made up my mind that I was going to start HRT and transition.  I don’t use a cane any longer and earlier this year, at 59-yo, I ran 5 miles in under 34 minutes.  On November 30^(th), 2023, I legally changed my name to the name I claimed at four years old – the one you told me I couldn’t have because it was a girl’s name.  As I stood quivering in front of the judge awaiting the name change paperwork that was being signed, we fully integrated – the DID is gone. 

   Today I am happier than I knew humans were capable of two years ago.  I haven’t had a bad day since I began this journey.  As I told a doctor of mine, my life today is perfect.  It’s not perfect because nothing ever goes wrong. My life is perfect, because when things go wrong – sometimes even very wrong, I’m still happy.  Such has been the result of living my truth.  You don’t know any of this, I know.  I wish I could tell you, but you have made it very clear that you don’t want to know.  You say you love me, but you have no idea who I am.  I talk to you twice a day and you don’t know that I was captured in the military and tortured for nine months.  You don’t know about the depression, the anxiety, the DID, the autism, four of the heart attacks, the kidney and liver disease, and the fact that you have a daughter – not a son.  Yep, even my driver’s license and birth certificate attest to that.  Heck, you don’t even know my legal name.  You’ve made it clear that you don’t want to know anything that would disturb the image you hold of me in your mind.  You love a fantasy.

   Since mom died, you’re the only one I still mask with, Dad.  I call twice a day but deepen my voice before I do.  Then I think of things to say that are technically true but don’t reveal anything when you ask what I did today.  You’ve told me that you don’t have a year left and frankly, given your health, I’m surprised you’ve lived this long.  I’d love to come and visit you before that day comes to give you a hug and tell you that I love you, but seeing the reasons for the happiness you hear in my voice every time we’ve talked for these last couple of years would kill you.  I find it so incredibly heartbreaking that my life will get easier after you’re gone because then I’ll get to be 100% authentic, all of the time, with everyone left in my life. I love you and wish you gave yourself the opportunity to know and love me back, but it's too late for that.

My amab 15 y/o came out as trans a few months ago. This was a total surprise to me and most others. But we're trying to be accepting and we call her by she/her pronouns and her chosen name. From there, I'm not quite sure what happens next. She's on a waitlist for therapy, which will then lead to gender affirming care (I understand this is how it's done where I am). And in the mean time, I'm trying to affirm her gender. And the problem is, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right...

My sister is a pediatrician and she advised me to act as though nothing has changed. Don't treat her any differently. And I agree on the surface. Nothing has changed. I love my kid the same. But this is where I'm needing advice and where I think my sister is wrong.

Prior to coming out, my kid had little interest in her appearance. Looking back on it, I think this was because was trans and she didn't realize it. I had to twist her arm to get her new clothes that didn't have holes or that fit. Eventually, I just kind of gave up. Ok, you want to wear the same pants with holes? Fine. As long as it's weather appropriate. I bought clothes when necessary but didn't push.

So now, she's showing an interest in obtaining more gender affirming items. And fine. Great. But I think she has to be the one to pick out what gender affirming clothing means to her. I mean, I'm not a girly girl. I dress pretty much the same as her (so it meant when she was getting rid of some of her clothes that were not gender affirming, I said, sweet, new hoodies! as long as they weren't the ones riddled with holes). So if I were to go shopping for her, there's a good chance I'd get something she wouldn't like. In fact, the few times I did twist her arm to get clothes she liked, they were nothing that I would have looked twice at. (But she looked great in them.) But she's embarrassed to go clothes shopping because she doesn't want to look like a boy shopping for girl clothes. We tried ordering things a few times online with mixed results, but again, I have to practically drag her to the computer to look at things to order.

So I see her sitting at home sad and feeling dysphoric. I know that when she wears skirts/dresses she feels better, but it's like pulling teeth trying to get her to acquire skirts/dresses. I push her to do it when we're out, she picked something out but is miserable when she does it, then we come home and she's happy and loves it and thanks me for making her miserable.

Then I hear from my sister and her father, you're treating her differently! You never would have forced her to buy clothes before. And yes, I'm doing something differently. But they are making me feel like I'm the one pushing her to be a girl, not her. And my sister said that my daughter might feel like I'm letting her down if, after therapy, it turns out she's not trans and is somewhere else on the spectrum of gender. But I see what makes her miserable. I see what makes her not miserable, and I do that. Isn't that treating her the same? Wouldn't letting her sit there in her dysphoric misery be treating her differently?

I know she's interested in make up. She won't go buy it herself for the same reason and doesn't want me to come with. So I thought, hey, what if I got her a make up consultation/tutorial thing as a holiday gift? But I'm facing this backlash making me feel like I'm the one pushing her to be trans.

I am very good at using my teens proper pronouns and name. Unless, I am talking about them pretranstition. I have a photographic memory and so when I remember, I see them as they were. I don't mean to but I struggle so much in those moments. Does anyone else struggle with this?

An article from JAMA came out yesterday discussing a study out of Princeton. For anyone needing more concrete information about kids transitioning whether for your own kids or to share with not quite supportive family this is good information from a reputable source. It was also featured in The Washington Post yesterday.

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2825195

My parents are in a place I like to call supportive but not affirming. They “let me” wear and present myself how I want, even back when I lived with them. I don’t get spontaneous unhinged lectures from them even though the both of them are very conservative and religious. We have a sort of unspoken rule that they won’t bring up my transition if I don’t, and I won’t bring it up if they don’t. They don’t call me Victoria (my chosen name) or a woman, but they also don’t deadname me or misgender me. My mom does sometimes on accident but she apologizes. I know it has been hard for them. Lately I’ve been thinking about my future wedding. I am not seeing anybody currently, but I would like to get married one day. I’ve been dreaming of my wedding since I was a little kid. I pictured myself as a bride, and of course that didn’t really make sense to me at the time. I would want my dad to walk me down the aisle, but idk if he would. I asked my mom about it one day a few months ago and she must’ve told me dad because we got to talking about something else and then he was like “we’d just have to see” regarding that. My dad is um, if there is such a thing as a hypermasculine manly man, that’s my dad. He doesn’t show emotions publicly very often. He told me when I came out that he doesn’t get it but he would always support me and die protecting me if necessary. I know they don’t hate me and I know they are doing the best they can. I feel greedy for wanting more. Last thanksgiving my mom asked me to come to our family gathering thing. But she asked me to tone myself down for my grandparents sake. So I wore a thick coat even though it wasn’t super cold that day. I wore a beanie with my hair tied up in a bun inside of it. I also wore gloves because I’d had my nails done. My dad saw them and jokingly asked if I was freezing (because I do get cold easily). I said no and I explained to him what the gloves were about and his exact response without even trying to be quiet to make sure nobody heard was: “f them. Be you” he said the word though. He’s an aviation mechanic, and I have done an apprenticeship program for it before but wasn’t able to finish. One day he asked me to help him with a plane he was working on for this guy. In the middle of the day it was getting hotter and he said “you can take that hoodie off, you’re safe here”. And it made me melt. How do I stop wishing for more and just be thankful for all the progress they’ve made already? I find myself hoping and wishing they will call me Victoria soon. I find myself wondering about my wedding, and what if my dad doesn’t walk me down? What if all he does is come? And would that be good enough… I feel like a selfish loser. Because I already have more than so many trans kids have from their parents, and yet I want more. I keep day dreaming about how it could even be better. How do I stop this?

My teen came out to me almost a year ago to say she was questioning her gender. After a month or so, she told me she was trans. We did not tell my husband (her step-father) because he tends toward religious conservatism. We did eventually tell him in April of this year. He was so upset with me for “lying” to him all this time and not telling him what was going on. My argument was that it wasn’t my news to share.

Anyway. He refuses to use our teen’s chosen name or pronouns, citing possible confusion for our preschooler.

Teen has called planned parenthood to schedule an appointment to start HRT (on her own! So proud!) She turned 18 last month, so is legally able to do this on her own, but she has asked me to come and support her.

I have been struggling to tell my husband. I know he will disapprove, and I have a strong aversion to conflict. I also know that the longer I wait, the bigger the issue it will become of me “hiding” things from him again.

Im trying my best to support my child without completely tearing our lives apart, but I have become the point of tension that is getting pulled in all directions and I’m feeling as if I will break at any moment.