I've had more than one relation with trans girls, few cases I was open about it with family and friends. The issues came up when meeting and dating new cis girls that hardly accept this and if they do they put it like "well perhaps you were just curious and you tried" basically making me be seen like one of the many men who sexualize trans people because of their "funny" anatomy. Is there any other guy out there who s been in this situation?

Problem isn't really trans related, but I've posted about my gf here before, so I thought I would return.

Tl;dr for old posts: I'm a trans man, my gf is a trans woman, we're early/mid thirties, we've been together ten years. She was unemployed for years, then underemployed for a couple years, I supported her, finances were bad, I tried to break up with her (thanks to this sub's support and encouragement), she had concrete ideas for improving her job search, I let her try them, I felt happier but also still felt unsatisfied somehow.

New update: She did successfully get a full-time retail job a few months ago. Hurray!

That said, now that our Big Problem is resolved, I realized there's other weird parts of our dynamic that I have been unhappy with or stressed about but I didn't really focus on them because The Bills took precedence.

I read a book this year called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson and I realized that I was raised to babysit one of my parents' emotions, so whenever that parent was around, I was stressed because I (as a child) couldn't rely on them to be emotionally stable for me, and I resolved this by preventing emotional problems for them or consoling them if they were melting down, but if *I* was upset, my problems were belittled and dismissed.

Now that my gf is away at work, I'm much happier when she's gone, and I usually find it stressful when she comes back. So I'm trying to weed through this and figure out how much of this is that I've been copy-pasting my parent's craziness on to her or if she really is doing things that stress me out. And I think the answer, unsatisfyingly, is somewhere in the middle.

The book said one of the possible symptoms of being raised like this is that when you grow up to be an adult, you don't have interests, and I was like "oh wow, ha ha, that would suck". But then I thought about it and I realized I only very rarely do most of my interests. Instead, the vast majority of my free time is spent 1. playing video games on a computer in a room by myself (the one interest I do regularly) 2. having dinner and watching whatever she wants on TV and 3. sitting next to her, drinking, and looking at my phone. I find it stressful if people can see me doing things, like if they can see the book I'm reading, or if I'm using the TV to watch a show or play a video game. I get stressed about whether people will judge me or dislike me based on what they see (thanks, mom and dad.)

One of the things that has really struck me in the past couple of days is how I feel like my gf only really thinks it's a good idea if it's her idea. So when it comes to spending time together, either I do whatever she wants, or I have to make a big case for why we should do what I want. Like it doesn't feel like we're having a conversation together, it feels like she's the boss and I have to present my ideas for approval, and unless I have a Very Good Presentation and also catch her in a good mood, then my idea will be rejected.

I don't think she realizes this because she does ask me. Like she asks "do you want to watch X." Or "What do you want for dinner." But there's no right answer unless it's agreeing with her idea. Or, (and I hate this!) prompting her to help her come up with her own idea. Because if I have an idea, then she'll just go quiet and maybe look at her phone and then oh hey, she has another idea.

(Also, to be clear, I would never try to tell her what to cook unless she specifically asked. But the reverse isn't true--if I offer to cook, it must be approved. And weirdly, just like she never likes my ideas, she never likes me cooking.) (The "the only good idea for dinner is her idea" has been especially obvious to me for years, and I wonder if this is an old hangup from the eating disorder she used to have. Though this "she doesn't like me cooking" is a new wrinkle because when she was unemployed she did all the cooking.)

There are more important areas of our life where this kind of dynamic shows up. She has lots of ideas about things to spend money on. Even though I know it sucked for her to not having spending money for years, and I'm empathetic to that, now I'm kind of stressed that I don't have final say over the purse strings. It's like "hey... I thought you hated our loud neighbors and wanted to move... you realize we have to save to move, right... is all this spending really necessary... Also... are you working on paying off your debts..." But the amount of effort it would take me to stop her from one specific purchase...

We're also trying to choose a couples therapist because I've felt very "distant" from her and I've been unsure why. I thought I was resentful about her long unemployment and that's probably a lot of it. (I'm piecing together a lot of this stuff from above as I'm writing this.) but it's taken a long time to get a response from her to pick someone from my insurance list, and I realize I tried to make it easy for her by showing her the ones who would be best and now I'm like............ did that feel to her like I committed the sin of Having an Idea............... anyway. So this has been a long back and forth and I got a few out of her and I reached out to them and of course no one has any availability. And now she wants to look through her insurance........ but she has ADHD... will she get around to doing it......

I wonder if all of this is her ADHD. Like my ideas are not as "real" to her as her own Exciting Ideas unless I do the work to make my ideas exciting for her. (To be clear, this is possible, it's just an effort.) Or if I twist her arm to make her realize that she actually has to seriously consider what I'm saying. This all may be "demand avoidance" or something. I don't know, that's something I've heard of.

To be clear, she is a nice person. She does care about my emotions. She is a better person than that one parent, lol. And when she is making choices, she is often thinking about me in some shape or form. Like the things she picks are things she'll think I will like (and I think part of her questioning me about "what do I want" is her trying to ascertain that I will be happy with her idea and she wants validation that it will be okay.)

Anyway. I know the right answer is "talk to her." I need to. I'm just really frustrated because I was on the brink of leaving her before and now the more I look at this the more I'm like....................... if she literally hates literally every idea I'll ever have, and she can't control it, I don't know if I can live like this. I wish I was aware of this when I tried to break up with her because it took so much effort to get myself to that brink because I'm so conflict avoidant.

I know this is super long, thanks to everyone who read this!! Tips??

(Sorry if this barely makes any sense, this was longer and more detailed and I tried to edit it down. So many interlocking issues... so many details I could add....)

Hello! I just wanted to share and invite y’all to tune into my husband (transman)&I (homoflexable lesbian) podcast that we are kicking off called “The Carrington Kronicals”. First episode will be an introduction and a little talk about our life so there will be a comfort zone established. We would love for any one to join. Feel free to ask questions!

Hi everyone! I'm seeking support as my partner transitions MTF. We've been together less than two years and currently live together and she began transitioning physically less than a year in. When I met her, she shared she didn't see herself as a typical man and didn't want to co-opt an identity. Over time, she sought a gender therapist, has been on HRT, and is going to speech therapy. Though this change has been hard for me because change always is, I've been generally accepting about it. I've had moments of fear, moments of needing to work through stuff. Like, I've read how some feminists think men are co-opting a female space, and I'm kind of like, okay, I don't think people would risk all of that to be their true selves just to steal from woman...like, no.

But by the same token, it's complex! She was socialized as a male, with a lot of privilege that I, a non-white cis woman, don't have. And not just male, but a muscular, tall, good looking, white male from privilege. And to say that that doesn't make a difference in how one lives their life just isn't true.

Another part of me feels resentful and somehow less feminine. I was looking forward to be the "feminine" one in a relationship, and even though I don't fully identify with my gender, I liked being with someone taller and more muscular that I could dress up for. Now, I feel like my femininity is being stolen. I'm 100% aware that's irrational and not actually true, but there feels like there's some competition between us in other areas - we've discussed this and are working on it. I want to work on understanding where that comes from and what's underneath it.

But frankly, this relationship is exhausting! It's turbulent and I have a lot going on myself. Sometimes, I'm not sure it's worth it. And then there's the voice. Of all the changes, it's the change in her voice that's been making me the most panicky. And I can't say that to her because it will hurt her and I deeply want her to be her true self. But sometimes I get angry because I'm watching someone change all the things I was attracted to. It is NOT selfish of her. And yet I am struggling. And sometimes when I share doubts or fears, she tends to keep the score and also weaponizes transphobia against me. I think we all have internalized transphobia, but I am activiely interested in working on it, and if there isn't room for me to be honest (from a non-reactive, thoughtful place that is presented gently) that I am struggling with this, then I'm not sure what else to say. I feel alone with this and lost. And I'm sick of the fighting.

My partner (transmasc non-binary/still figuring things out) got a packer a few months ago to try wearing around the house to explore their gender. They were very excited about wearing it and asked what I thought about it...unfortunately, I kind of burst their bubble and said I thought it was a size too big and that, although I'm bisexual, I don't tend to focus on a guy's bulge. I feel bad for disappointing my partner with my answer. Any other bisexuals deal with this - like being okay with their partner's transness, but also not totally being sure how you'll feel about each thing along the way? I wish I could definitively promise that every potential transition I'll love because I'm bi and I love my partner, but I'm not sure I can promise that since my sexuality seems fluid and elusive to me sometimes.

My girlfriend “Anne” is trans, her family saw her painted nails and her dad flipped. He sort of apologised in the end but I think she’s retreated back into denying it again and being ashamed.

It hurts. I feel like it’s my fault because she said I painted her nails (I didn’t she did but it’s the fact that now it seems like I’m trying to make her something and ruin their family?).

I want to cry. I hate her family.

Update: her mum is so supportive so far, her father eh but he’s trying! From what she said they don’t think I’m some terrible influence which is great and she has continued painting her nails :)

Hi I was told to post this here instead of r/advice, thank you.

Hi guys 25m married to 25f. So my whole like basically I’ve been a closet sissy/ cd and loved girl stuff. I had to be super dl growing up in a conservative catholic household but since I’m older I’ve gotten more bolder.

I would wear girl clothes under my school clothes in high school and I do now at work sometimes. I’ve always favored female characters, singers, artists, etc. there’s other evidence as well but I won’t get into it.

Anyways my wife knows I’m a closet cd and supports me. I have some girl clothes etc she bought me make up and stuff but I’ve been embarrassed to cd around her cause she’s an actual girl and idk it’s dumb. But she still wants me to be a big strong man for her and do manly stuff and it’s just not me. I hate being a guy it’s so pressuring and boring. How should I tell her my gender feelings are a lot more intense than they’ve been and I’m not really happy. Thanks guys.

Dm is open and I’ll try to reply to comments as they appear. Thank you again.

For those looking for a happy story, I proposed to my girlfriend this weekend and SHE SAID YES! Our story started with me loving her completely, but wishing she wasn't a man. And her loving me, and wanting to be a woman. When she came out to me it was a huge relief for both of us. Transition has had its ups and downs, and I've mostly struggled with the secrecy of it all. I wanted us to be out and proud, but knew that wasn't my decision, And I made mistakes around my feelings about it. She however, has been amazingly patient and understanding about it. I've loved watching her journey. She had been slowly coming out to people, and we had been talking about marriage and I decided, out to everyone or not, I want to marry this girl and I'm going to ask her. So I did!! And after that, and I'm sure some other triggers, she opened up. Came out to everyone! Now not only do I get to marry the love of my life, but people get to know who SHE is. I'm so excited, and I hope others in this group get to experience this kind of joy. I know it's harder for most, but for some of us, it's perfect.

Context: me (NB leaning masculine afab, early 30s) gf (MTF, late 20s); Over 2 years together— her 2 years on HRT in March 2025.

You could check out my extensive history post if you need background information if needed. My girlfriend has officially come out to everyone and living as a woman 100% of the time as of about 2 weeks ago— so fairly new. I was hoping that things would finally get better as our relationship has been rocky but spoiler; it hasn’t and I’m really struggling.

First, I want to speak on the positive things: She’s so much more happier with herself and enjoying exploring her life as a woman. Her interactions with people have been incredibly postive. I cannot express how proud I am of her and that I am 100% supportive on her transition even when I had apprehension. I love seeing her happy and living her best life is all I want for her.

On to the negative things:

• A couple nights after she had her epiphany, she said it’s like she had a funeral for her old self and that I was essentially broken up with (deadname) and now dating her. At the time I accepted this as this is her truth, but I’m really heart broken. I don’t even know where to begin to express my feelings.

• She’s accepted that she’s changed as a person and continue changing. I actually don’t think this is totally negative as I can see that she’s much happier but it’s kind of jarring that she’s no longer interested in things she used to be interested in.

• She’s gone out several times this week after work until late with friends or by herself (2-3AM late)—Once was a night club and a bar. She says she wants to explore herself and feel pretty outside of home. I completely understand and always wanted her to have a good time. However, I feel really left out… when I asked her if she wanted to watch some shows or movies after work tonight. She said she didn’t want to make big promises because she was working late. She has time to get ready and dressed late at night to leave to a bar (after working as well) but not hang out with me? It just stings.

She’s recently made an effort to go on a date with the premise of going boot shopping for her (we went to a bar to celebrate her new booth purchase). But when we got home she wanted to spend time by herself—I had work really early the next day so I was okay with turning in for the night but I felt like I prioritized her that night.

• She’s found her own style but shopping is becoming an issue in our relationship. She’s been behind on bills since she’s moved in with me a year ago. We finally came to a reasonable amount she pays me weekly to catch up. The other day she said she picked up an extra shift and wanted to know if I would be okay if she paid me the next day. I was fine with it thinking she needed some extra time. She said she was on her way home from work and when more than an hour had passed (we live close to her work) I gave her a call—she was shopping and thought it was “ok” because she picked up a shift tomorrow. I explained to her that it was absolutely not okay and irresponsible of her to go shopping when she hadn’t paid her portion of the bills yet. She came home and apologized but I feel so icky that I reacted like a parent to some teenager.

She has been picking up a couple of extra shifts to make sure she has money for the bills and shopping since I would not enable her shopping habits with my own money. But I can’t help but be upset because I was financially supporting her for some time and encouraged her to pick up shifts previously—but only when she needed money for her new wardrobe did that happen.

• Outside of the first couple days of euphoria and the little date with me, she seems have little interest of spending time with me. She’s completely engrossed in her transition— which I heard was normal but still painful all the same. Everyday we have conversations about her transition or new things about her transition. I try to be present and supportive but it’s really difficult when I had a really hard 8 hour work day and come home to her asking immediately for me to help her get ready or dressed to go somewhere (without me)

• Our schedule has been really different but after she came out it’s now become the opposite. She goes to sleep around 6-7AM and wakes up in the afternoon right before she leaves for work. I sleep around midnight-1AM and wakes up around 7AM and currently work 2 jobs.

• She once looked through my messages and DMs because she was insecure and thought I could be cheating on her. She admitted that she was neglecting me and feared I was seeking attention elsewhere where. I allowed it and she found nothing hit it hurt that she and other people in her life thought I was capable of such things.

She also read open messages on my desktop but I literally have nothing to hide. I let it go but according to posts on here and other Reddit forums it’s a red flag.

There are probably more but this post is so damn long and they are probably things I’m not picking and not actually important. I already cringed at many points I just made.

We are both in individual therapy— I recently got to the point of taking about myself with my therapist. She asked me “what do you (my name) need/want in life?” And it really dawned on me that all of my life people have not valued me as a person; but for what I can provide them. It’s daunting that I am essentially a doormat and things only shifted recently when I started drawing boundaries for myself. However, I feel like it’s hard to draw boundaries with the person I love. I really hope that this is just a teenager phase and things will eventually settle but I don’t know how long I can hold out on that “hope.”

There are many days that I just want to break up and part ways but as my other posts say, I pay most of the bills in the apartment and I cannot in good conscious let her go without a roof over her head. I guess there would be a chance that we just become exes who live together if things fizzle out or if things get too tough. I just don’t know and I feel like I’m falling for the old sunken cost fallacy.

I might edit this post to add relevant details but it’s what it is. If you made it this far—thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

After a tumultuous 6 months post coming out, my (50 mtf) wife (47cis F) has gotten past her grief stage. We’re still together but mostly as friends rather than lovers. Which hurts but it’s the reality I was prepared for. Heck I was prepared for her to divorce me immediately. However I still hold out hope that things might improve given enough time.

However she’s asked me to remain in the closet for a good number of years until my kids are “ready”. I can dress at home when the kids aren’t around, or dress in public by bringing clothes with me and changing outside the home.

I have not come out to anyone since the 11 months after I realised I was trans. I don’t know how long I can sustain this double life but I don’t want to wreck my marriage prematurely by insisting on social transition.

I have been on HRT for 8 months now.

I (37f) have been with my girlfriend (47f)for about eight months now. I had one trans partner before her and see her as nothing but beautiful. We have had an amazing relationship, but recently she mentioned that a story I told where I had explained that she was my trans girlfriend, and not just girlfriend made her feel not great. Now suddenly, I am overthinking everything, and then my own head, especially in the bedroom. I am now overthinking what I do and say will be trans phobic accidentally, and it is hurting our relationship because she feels like I am more distanced, and even though I assure her I am still fully attracted to her feels less attractive in my eyes. How did any of you get out of this rut in your head that is not healthy?? Is this common?

For context, they already met her dressed as a boy, so they think I'm dating a guy. They also met at my mom's funeral which is it's own special kind of awkward. She's previously worked at a funeral home so she knows the drill and was very helpful. My aunt was also her second grade teacher and knows my girl's family so there's a prior history.

I really want to be able to bring my girlfriend to family events because her family are shitty slimeballs from hell and she deserves more. I'm just concerned about how my family is going to react. I don't want my girlfriend feeling hurt or stressed about this, so I'm going to tell them with plenty of time before the holidays.

I'm hoping it goes well and there's nothing to worry about. If there is a problem, I will not tolerate any disrespect and will just no longer go to family gatherings. What have other people's experiences been and how do I do this as painlessly as possible?

Update:

I spontaneously told my brother in a hilarious way. We don't talk much. Mostly the occasional meme. I sent him a picture of Trixie and Katya without context and he goes, "Yuck." Dude's got a lot of issues. He's said some wildly homophonic stuff before. Knowing this, I just barreled right in and said, "Well, you'd better get used to more gay shit because my girlfriend is trans and she's coming over for Thanksgiving."

With my aunt it was a little more sincere. I told her what's been going on for the last year and the changes my partner has been making in her life. I also expressed my concern for the kind of reception my partner would receive from the rest of the family. I said that I would like my girlfriend to have a family that is welcoming to her because her biological family has really let her down. That I don't want to keep anything from them and I don't want my partner to think I'm not proud of her and all that she's accomplished.

I waited a while for my aunt to respond. It turns out she was taking a day trip to New Hampshire so she wasn't paying attention to her phone. She said that it's all okay. She believes that the rest of the family will be on board and they're pretty accepting people, which holds true from what I know of them. My girlfriend has said that if things escalate to the point where she feels uncomfortable, she will just leave.

My partner has also emphasized that no matter how things turn out, she's happy that I'm showing her how much I care by making this gesture. She doesn't feel it's essential to be tied to a family because her family of origin was so bad to her. Not just because of being trans, but because of who she is as a person. My immediate family was definitely not winning any awards either, but my extended family are generally people who try their best to get along and want to be involved with each other.

My father will not be part of my holiday celebration because these are my mother's siblings and their kids, so I will tell him and my stepmother separately. My sister (his daughter) already knows and she's super happy for me. She was the first relative that I told. Dad has some pretty conservative views and was upset when I came out 13 years ago but has since managed to get over himself about having a queer daughter. Fingers crossed that he will adapt to this too.

My partner has told me that each person is allowed one stupid question and I think that's pretty generous of her. If I've done my job well, she will not need to focus on advocacy and can just concentrate on getting to know the people I grew up with. Most of all I want her to know that I've got her back and that if I have to choose between her and them she wins every time.

For context, me and my partner are both lesbians. This is both our first truly lesbian relationship, as in, we are each a lesbian dating another lesbian. She is MTF but doesn't have bottom dysphoria and tends to consider PIV the most intimate form of sex. I think this came about because in the past when she mostly dated bi girls, PIV was the main form of sex they had and they expected her to fuck them like a man :/

As for me, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. PIV isn't any more or less intimate to me than using a vibrator together or grinding. Part of the relief (so I thought) of being a lesbian was that I could have way less penetrative sex without issue and it wouldn't be considered a "main act". I was previously very UTI prone so it's a bit associated with pain for me, though I'm working to break that association. Unfortunately, I'm also not the biggest fan of BJs or HJs, because due to HRT and antidepressants it takes her forever; like there's just no way I can keep going for 30 minutes of repetitive motion without hurting myself.

So what is left? I'm looking for an "stereotypical lesbian" outercourse heavy sexual relationship most of the time. I want to rely mostly on vibrators, kissing, and touching sensually. I want a lot of dirty talk and erotic imagination, mental sex so to speak. This just doesn't seem that satisfying to her :( It seems like PIV is the only surefire way she can come, but I only want to do that once in a blue moon, similar to how cis lesbians might break out the strap for special occasions or an extra intense night.

It's sadly ironic because I did a lot of research on dating trans women before we dated. I knew to not focus on dick as a default or ever expect she would top. I knew to touch gently and softly and not treat her like a man in the bedroom. But I feel like she'd honestly love if I treated her like a man a bit more and we had a sex life more similar to kinky het couples.

If you have advice I'm open to it, but I also just want to know if anyone can relate to this experience. I usually see the opposite of people wanting their transfem partners to top more than they are willing to!

So earlier this year I had a terrible breakup with someone online with BPD. It devastated me but I decided to hit the gym and just do everything to make life good for me again. I'm still dealing with triggers every now and then. At this point, I've been with my current partner (also online) for almost 2 months now. I've been noticing these nagging thoughts coming up every now and then. She's really damn attractive and I like every single part of her. (Yes, every) But for some reason my mind likes to nitpick about certain masculine traits and makes it a big deal for me somehow.

I know these thoughts are untrue because there was a period where they were all gone. I suppose it's mostly my unhealed trauma and also because of my diagnosis (I have ADHD and Autism) I tend to overthink waayyyy too much.

I love her like crazy but I feel as if some distance is needed so I can further heal from the trauma that I got from my ex. I just know these thoughts are irrational and simply trying to sabotage. If I'm not thinking about her like this, then always something else will be on my mind that'll mess up my mood.

I'd love some good ol' advice!

Are there any podcasts you’d recommend giving a listen to be a better partner?

Hi all, Me and my partner have been together for a little over a year now and were friends for a while before that. I'm nonbinary (afab) and realized that pretty early. I was already out to most people by the time me and my partner started talking. They realized that they where nonbinary (amab) as we spent more time together and started talking about gender related issues.

My partner has always struggled with social dysphoria and the social pressure of gender roles / the pressure to fit into certain stereotypes.

Until recently they didnt have much of a problem with body dysphoria. They always said that their body is pretty irrelevant to themself and they are only uncomfortable with it when people are assuming stuff based purely on their body.

This changed over the last few months or so. They have started to feel more unhappy with their body regardless of other peoples perception. It feels like they are experiencing more 'typical' body dysphoria now as in just feeling wrong in their body. Recently they had a bit of a mental breakdown about wanting to look more feminine but feeling like they are unable to even start transitioning in that way.

Im uncertain about how to best support my partner rn. They are still largely closeted and live with their parents and will most likely continue to do so for at least another 2 years. They have a lot of body hair and a kind of stocky body (not extremly, i don't know how to best describe it otherwise. They arent really curvy or super skinny) At the moment i of course always listen to them and we try to find ways to best cope with the feeling and the time that they have to stay closeted because of their family. When we're at my place they sometimes wear my flowy skirts some suble makeup to help them feel at least a little more comfortable.

Id be grateful for any ideas on how i could best support my partner in this situation. Their family is pretty conservative and moving out isnt really an option atm. If you know any suble things that they / i could do to make them more comfortable id really appreciate it

I think this same kind of question was asked a little over a year ago, but its been so long that I was hoping I’d hear some new stories.

My partner and I have been together for two years. in this time, they have disclosed to me that despite presenting in a masculine way, they love wearing typically "feminine" underwear. I have seen them in it a few times and love their comfort in sharing this with me and the confidence it gives them. I would love to get some for them as a gift and to help reinforce that although this is new for me, I want to be a safe person to share this with and that I want to learn and support this. My problem is I don't know where to get underwear simular to mine but with more space, if you catch my drift. Any recommendations please?

So, context: my ex is a trans woman but we dated while she was still a cis guy. We don’t talk at the moment but she did have alot of influence on me so I often bring her up in conversation

So here’s my problem: I’m not sure if to refer to her as my ex girlfriend or as my ex boyfriend when talking to people both because I’m gay and also because my language dosen’t have any neutral pronouns or neutral form of ex

If I use male pronouns for her I feel like I’m misgendering her but if I use female pronouns for her people either start to question my sexuality or they assume I dated a cis woman even when I clarify the situation

what do you guys think?

I (28 cis M) met her in the work place. She (25F) was an intern of mine so although I admit did have a feeling for her the first sight I kept reminding myself to be professional not to abuse the position of power so I didn't try anything. Now she has left and is back to her studies so at least I feel like I can hangout with her a bit in my own time.

We have some common languages like fantasy books, video games and dnd. I invited her to my dnd group so we get to hangout a bit more. I recently asked if she wanna play some video games together, and she said yes. The more I play with her the more I like her. But we are both kinda shy and she may be a neurodivergent that I find her feelings really hard to read from time to time (although those are also the things I like about her). So I don't know how to really make a move. It has been something on my mind for the last few weeks.

But that's too far. Before thinking making a move, I don't even know how to ask about her sexuality coz she never mentioned about her type or relationship kind of stuff. To be honest although I have some friends from LGBTQ+ community and consider myself an ally, there are many things I probably can't thoroughly understand, not to mention I am just a straight cis man and I haven't met many trans people in my life. Is there a polite way to ask without screwing everything up? Is there a good way to know if she's interested? I really like her as a person and even the worst case she's not interested in me I still would like her to be my friend.

Thank you all in advance.

I'm a trans guy and I just got curious...

Features, qualities, energy.. anything that comes to mind.

It'd be nice to hear someone else's perspective.

Hi all!

This might be a bit long and rambly, but I have been an emotional mess recently and I’m still trying to process my feelings. I also apologise in advance if I say something wrong, I don’t want to offend or upset anyone, so please feel free to correct me.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. We’re not married and we don’t have any children, but we bought a house together a few years ago and we have a dog. For the longest time I thought we were happy and we had finally made it where we always wanted to be. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I thought we had some pretty solid communication and trust in each other.

A few months ago my partner sat me down and with a lot of difficulties confessed to me that they were questioning their sexuality and maybe gender identity. They were extremely worried I would reject them, but eventually they said that they thought they were a femboy and that they had been secretly wearing traditionally feminine clothes when I was not home. I was worried they had stopped loving me or that they didn’t find me attractive anymore, but they said that was not the case. I told them I would support them no matter what, and I encouraged them to try new clothes and styles in the safety of our home (they were not ready to tell more people other than me and some of their friends).

At the time they said they didn’t think they were trans because they had no problems with their body as it is. They just felt happier wearing more traditionally feminine clothes. I was and am very proud of them for sharing this with me, and I want them to feel happy and comfortable, and if that means they wear a skirt and a bra, then that’s absolutely fine.

For a while we were fine and it actually felt like we were even closer and a spark had reignited in our relationship. But then I started to feel we were getting a bit distant again, and I couldn’t understand why.

The other night they sat me down again and told me that they have now realised they might actually be trans. They explained that if they could live a life completely free of judgement, they would choose to have a more feminine appearance all the time (clothes, hair, makeup, etc). Since starting to wear more traditionally feminine clothes, they have started to wonder more and more what it would be like to be a woman. At the same time they said they don’t really feel like a woman, and it feels wrong for them to us she/her pronouns. They also showed me a post they made on a throwaway reddit account about this, and people were suggesting that cis people usually don’t have this kind of thoughts.

This news shocked me a bit more, especially when they started talking about doing some form of transition and maybe taking HRT, which would obviously be a big change. They have said that they’re still feeling very scared of things moving really fast and very confused and that they don’t know what’s going to happen or if they’ll try something and then realise it’s not what they want. Again, I tried to show my support as much as I can, and I suggested therapy to try and navigate through all these new feelings. I don’t think they are keen on therapy because of how expensive it is and how difficult it is to access.

I love them so much and I want to support them through this journey, but I honestly feel like the worst transphobe in the world. I know this is not about me, but I just felt like everything I know and I have is crumbling under my feet. The idea I had of the future of our relationship, getting married one day, maybe even having children, now it all seems gone. I look at them, and while I still see the person I have always known, I look back to the past years together, all the things they said to me and I wonder if they actually meant them or if they were just forcing themselves to say and do them.

The future just seems really scary. I never thought about having a girlfriend, and I don’t know how I would feel if they fully transitioned. I am scared of hurting or upsetting them. I am scared of not being able to support them the way they deserve. I am scared of them realising they are no longer attracted to me, or that they never actually were. I am scared of losing everything I have: my support system, my house, my dog. The talk about HRT also terrifies me, especially because they are considering doing that DIY. To me it seems extremely fast going from “maybe I’m trans” to taking HRT. And the side effects as well, I am honestly really worried about their health.

I’ve been a mess since they told me, although I’ve been hiding this from them. That first night I cried for hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. I’ve kinda been on autopilot since. I go through my normal day to day life, but every now and again I feel overwhelmed by anxiety and fear and I break down crying again. We’re still spending time together, but somehow they feel kinda distant. They said that we’re okay, but for some reason I have a gut feeling there might be other things they are not telling me. But maybe that’s just me being anxious and overthinking.

I want to stay with them, I still love them with my whole self and I would do anything to make them happy. I just feel like such a terrible person for having these thoughts and being so scared of what will happen, especially because I know they are also feeling scared and overwhelmed. If taking HRT and fully transitioning is what will make them happy, I will 100% support them in this. I will NEVER ask them to choose me over their happiness and finally being their authentic self, even if this means they will leave me. But I just’t can’t help feeling so fucking scared.

Has anyone been through anything similar and have any advice? Is our relationship doomed to fail?

Hi people, i might type a lot so i'm sorry if it is long. I am my own worst enemy and i have already told myself it might be over, so if possible i would love to hear some tips or positive advice instead of just telling us to break it off.

A week ago, my partner (nb fem) and i (cis? F) had a hard conversation. Unfortunately they brought it up right after we were done having unsuccesful sex. I guess i should have seen it coming from a mile away, they have always had some sort of bottom dysphoria and since starting hrt and accepting the fact that they are trans, it has become a lot more pronounced. They will probaly ever get bottom surgery but one can never be sure. The unknown of it all kills me. I think bottom surgery is the one thing that our relationship will not survive.

We have been dating for over 5 years. They always felt comfortable enough to want to have piv sex with me but as they transitioned, slowly but surely we started having less and less intimacy (general but also sex). We both struggle with mental health so it has been tough to maintain for all kinds of reasons.

We also lived together for 2 years but i felt i needed more literal space so i moved to another city this year. So as we see eachother less, (and i usually arrive at their house around dinner time) the intimacy has become centered around quick piv sex. I think because it takes less prep work than pegging and it usually happens spontaneously but pretty much always late at night when we are in bed.

They also fear that i don't find them attractive anymore because breasts do nothing for me sexually. I do engage with them during sex and try to make them feel that love every part of them. My fear is that i need to end it so they can find someone who won't have any issue with anything. Who will want to use she/her pronouns, who doesn't care about bottom surgery or no.

It is kind of like we are good friends and then sometimes having sex. Which is fine, but i crave the feeling of a relationship like we used to have. It was clear then, that we were dating. Physical touch and verbal affirmations. I really need that too! We absolutely have a lot of love for eachother and do give gifts and do lots of acts of service, but the intimacy that i feel belongs in a relationship is missing.

So fast forward, to this week. They told me that their dysphoria makes it so they do not want to have sex anymore. I cried my eyes out, we both did. They explained i am the only person that they have ever had sex with, that did not make them feel dysphoric but celebrated and safe, but now they do. They want to have sex with me but the dysphoria ruins it. Now they opted for maybe doing it 3 times a year, which is about 3 times less that we were doing now. Neither is fulfulling to me. Maybe if we had more intimacy besides that it wouldnt feel like the end of our relationship. But that would mean we both need to seriously step it up..

For me piv is the only act where i can feel them and they me, a dual pleasure. As a top i don't get anything out of being fucked with a strap on, as i enjoy the reactions of my partner. They also feel nothing like a real life penis so for me there is no substitute for the real thing. And yes i like topping them too, but not 100% of the time.

Now if i am real with myself i know i can for instance seek other people to have piv with, my partner gave their blessing. But i know i will still miss having sex with them! I also know that i am willing to try and see if that is enough to get my needs met, and sustain the relationship we have. I am so new to this.

The thought of ending our partnership breaks my heart. We love eachother so much, been through so much together and before this we were planning to be in eachothers lives for decades to come.

I would ask for advice, but i don't know for what. Is it over? Any trans partners that cannot have sex due to dysphoria, i would love to hear how you both adjusted, maybe thrived? Has anyone made it work? We could both use some positive words but i'm not sure if anyone can muster them up after reading this.

Thank you

Hi all!

This might be a bit long and rambly, but I have been an emotional mess recently and I’m still trying to process my feelings. I also apologise in advance if I say something wrong, I don’t want to offend or upset anyone, so please feel free to correct me.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. We’re not married and we don’t have any children, but we bought a house together a few years ago and we have a dog. For the longest time I thought we were happy and we had finally made it where we always wanted to be. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I thought we had some pretty solid communication and trust in each other.

A few months ago my partner sat me down and with a lot of difficulties confessed to me that they were questioning their sexuality and maybe gender identity. They were extremely worried I would reject them, but eventually they said that they thought they were a femboy and that they had been secretly wearing traditionally feminine clothes when I was not home. I was worried they had stopped loving me or that they didn’t find me attractive anymore, but they said that was not the case. I told them I would support them no matter what, and I encouraged them to try new clothes and styles in the safety of our home (they were not ready to tell more people other than me and some of their friends).

At the time they said they didn’t think they were trans because they had no problems with their body as it is. They just felt happier wearing more traditionally feminine clothes. I was and am very proud of them for sharing this with me, and I want them to feel happy and comfortable, and if that means they wear a skirt and a bra, then that’s absolutely fine.

For a while we were fine and it actually felt like we were even closer and a spark had reignited in our relationship. But then I started to feel we were getting a bit distant again, and I couldn’t understand why.

The other night they sat me down again and told me that they have now realised they might actually be trans. They explained that if they could live a life completely free of judgement, they would choose to have a more feminine appearance all the time (clothes, hair, makeup, etc). Since starting to wear more traditionally feminine clothes, they have started to wonder more and more what it would be like to be a woman. At the same time they said they don’t really feel like a woman, and it feels wrong for them to us she/her pronouns. They also showed me a post they made on a throwaway reddit account about this, and people were suggesting that cis people usually don’t have this kind of thoughts.

This news shocked me a bit more, especially when they started talking about doing some form of transition and maybe taking HRT, which would obviously be a big change. They have said that they’re still feeling very scared of things moving really fast and very confused and that they don’t know what’s going to happen or if they’ll try something and then realise it’s not what they want. Again, I tried to show my support as much as I can, and I suggested therapy to try and navigate through all these new feelings. I don’t think they are keen on therapy because of how expensive it is and how difficult it is to access.

I love them so much and I want to support them through this journey, but I honestly feel like the worst transphobe in the world. I know this is not about me, but I just felt like everything I know and I have is crumbling under my feet. The idea I had of the future of our relationship, getting married one day, maybe even having children, now it all seems gone. I look at them, and while I still see the person I have always known, I look back to the past years together, all the things they said to me and I wonder if they actually meant them or if they were just forcing themselves to say and do them.

The future just seems really scary. I never thought about having a girlfriend, and I don’t know how I would feel if they fully transitioned. I am scared of hurting or upsetting them. I am scared of not being able to support them the way they deserve. I am scared of them realising they are no longer attracted to me, or that they never actually were. I am scared of losing everything I have: my support system, my house, my dog. The talk about HRT also terrifies me, especially because they are considering doing that DIY. To me it seems extremely fast going from “maybe I’m trans” to taking HRT. And the side effects as well, I am honestly really worried about their health.

I’ve been a mess since they told me, although I’ve been hiding this from them. That first night I cried for hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. I’ve kinda been on autopilot since. I go through my normal day to day life, but every now and again I feel overwhelmed by anxiety and fear and I break down crying again. We’re still spending time together, but somehow they feel kinda distant. They said that we’re okay, but for some reason I have a gut feeling there might be other things they are not telling me. But maybe that’s just me being anxious and overthinking.

I want to stay with them, I still love them with my whole self and I would do anything to make them happy. I just feel like such a terrible person for having these thoughts and being so scared of what will happen, especially because I know they are also feeling scared and overwhelmed. If taking HRT and fully transitioning is what will make them happy, I will 100% support them in this. I will NEVER ask them to choose me over their happiness and finally being their authentic self, even if this means they will leave me. But I just’t can’t help feeling so fucking scared.

Has anyone been through anything similar and have any advice? Is our relationship doomed to fail?

Disclaimer, I have nobody I can talk to about this so I’ve come to Reddit to vent and share my feelings, and see if there are other people who are going through/have gone through a similar experience and may have any suggestions for navigating through this situation. Thank you in advance for kind remarks, and to anyone that is going to leave hurtful comments, please don’t. This is already hard enough…

I was out of town on a trip, our son (age 11) was visiting his grandparents, so my husband was home alone for 4 days. During this time he shared that he had the urge to do something “naughty” for fun. He went to the store and purchased a bra, leggings, and a sweater. He came home and put them on and played with a little of my eye makeup. He told me that he felt “pretty” and that this made him have a lot of things come to surface, realizing that he has been facing this for almost 20 years. But had suppressed these feelings because they didn’t make sense, and seemed more like curiosity. He had a psychiatry appointment (for adhd treatment) and shared his feelings with the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist shared some resources and strongly urged therapy for him and I individually and as a couple.

He shared that he is still deeply in love with me, and has never loved anyone as much as he loves me. He’s not attracted to men in any way, and that if he finds he is indeed trans and pursues a transition, he has no intention whatsoever of leaving me, If I am comfortable to stay of course. I am so conflicted as I love him so much, I cannot see myself with anyone else in this world. I want to support his happiness, and will support whatever decision he makes.

I am honestly struggling with this, it has been an emotional roller coaster for me over the past 24 hours. I never could’ve seen this coming, and I felt I would be with my husband for the rest of my life… (We have had an extremely healthy marriage, we’ve really never even had much of an argument, ever…) I am not attracted to women, never have been. I want to be open minded when it comes to this new possibility, but I don’t know that I can be married to a woman if it comes to that. He said that it may not be that he is trans, and it might just be other things he’s not happy about with his appearance that may be pinpointed in therapy. I think I could be completely open to him cross dressing as a bedroom play type thing, but I just don’t know if I can be openly married to a full on woman. This is and probably will be the hardest thing I will go through in my lifetime. I feel so lost right now.

Hi all!

I’m cisf in a relationship with a mtf.

My partner came out to me a few months ago, so they’re still boy-moding left and right (not at home tho), still waiting on their first therapy session and researching hormones and all that.

We recently found out I’m pregnant, hooray!

It’s very early in the pregnancy and pre-transition, so it’s all a lot right now. Has anyone dealt with juggling these themes?

Long post, skip to the bottom for tl;dr. My (36cisF) wife (37MtF) and I have been married 10 years, she's been out to me for a year and a half, and on hrt a little over a year. Things were rocky at first, but our relationship is so important to us and we've worked so hard to improve our communication and our own issues and it felt like things were getting so much better (we have a couple's counselor and individual therapists).

For a while now, however, problems with sex and desire have been building, and they're starting to get really scary. The words "fundamental incompatibility" have entered our conversation and I feel both panicked and devastated.

While her body sensations and responses have obviously changed, and we've been working on trying new things to address those changes, it seems to me like her libido has also dropped, though I'm not sure she agrees. As a side note, she seems unwilling to admit changes on hrt that seem objectively true to me, like that her ADHD got a lot worse and her desire for sex has decreased. I can imagine that it might be difficult to accept that a medication that's giving you such good effects in some areas might also be having negative effects in others, but it just seems so clear to me that these things have gotten worse. Whenever I mention this though, she either says or implies that this is the way it's always been.

To some extent, it is true that we've always struggled with slightly mismatched libidos. It hasn't been constant, but there have been points where I wanted sex more than her, or where I didn't feel as desired as I wanted to be. We also went through a period where I was on a medication that killed my libido, and that caused issues in the other direction. There was a point during that period where she told me that she was "getting enough out of" the relationship to stay for now, but that if things didn't change she didn't know if that would always be true. I actually finally figured out what medication was affecting me and stopped it just two months before she came out to me. I was just getting my sex drive back when she came out and we started on this journey, which again, was really difficult at first.

I've always only been with men before her, so I was afraid I might not be attracted to her as a woman, and that was a big fear at first. However, I also know I was always very interested in looking at women and women's bodies, so I've been working on leaning into and developing that latent desire, and I think I've come a long way (I actually posted a while back that I was uncomfortable thinking of myself as bi or queer, but just the other day I caught myself thinking, "mabe I'm a little more gay than I thought"). It's hard, though, when I'm trying to lean into that desire but she doesn't respond positively to my touches or come ons (sometimes she even expresses annoyance-- she'll say "you're such a dude").

So here's where the mismatch seems to come in: I'm a very physically touchy person. When I experience desire for someone, I feel an urge to touch. When I'm turned on by the curve of my wife's waist and hips, I want to put my hands around her waist and slide them up and down her body. I also want to feel desired in this way. I want her to touch me in the same way--it makes me feel so wanted and sexy. And we do touch like this when we're having sex, but for me, I feel like I'm needing more of it in everyday life too. Like, come up behind me in the kitchen, grab my waist, and kiss my neck. I'd like that sort of thing a few times a day at least.

For my wife, however, the physical is apparently much less important. She says it's more mental, like being flirty and playful. She says that sometimes when she's overstimulated and I touch her, it's too much. (Again, she talks as though this has always been the way it is, which is true to a slight degree, but she absolutely did used to come up to me and touch and kiss me with desire at least every few days--now it's very few and far between).

Now, I know hormones can affect desire. I know what it was like to be on something that lowers that, and how that's not in her control. I totally get that, and I'm willing to work with her to adjust our sex life to something that is okay for her. But I have a strong (lately overwhelming) need to feel desired, and while she says she still does desire me, that hasn't been getting through to me. I feel like what I need most right now is to be touched throughout the day, like I said above.

I've asked her a few times for this, and often it will get better for a day or two, but then the touch drops off again. I've pointed this out to her, and she gets really frustrated and reminds me that she's literally diagnosed with a disorder that makes it difficult for her to notice and remember things. And I get it, but also...this is really important to me. There's been so much tension lately around sex and I just want to feel wanted. I've tried to pin down the best way for my needs to be met while also not expecting too much of her (I'm not asking her to have sex with me if she's not in the mood), and I thought asking for more sensual (not sexual) touch throughout the day wouldn't be too much to ask. But from her response, I guess it is?

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm planning to bring this up in our next couple's counseling session, but I'm just feeling really defeated and despondent and scared for our relationship right now. Am I really asking for too much?

Tl;dr My wife's sex drive has lowered and I'm not feeling as desired as I need, but when I suggest that she just give me more physical touch throughout the day she says she can't remember to do it and it feels like I'm asking too much of her. Am I?

I am a trans-male, and i have been on T for the past year. I am seeing a cis woman, and i have a lot of dysphoria for not having a penis during sex. In my head, all i think is: "she would like me better if i was cis".
I use a strap-on and I make my partner pick it so that i know for sure she is happy with it. I hate how I have to worry about whether I have it with me or not when I go out, just incase if we were to have spontaenous sex...

I hate that i cannot feel where the strap is, or if she is getting tight because she isn't enjoying it for example... This is a really weird and all-over-the-place post, but - I really just want to ensure that my sexual partner is fulfilled. do these things really matter?

She hasn't said anything about my performance, but from YOUR experience with a trans-man, what makes sex enjoyable and what about sex have you learned from a trans-man?

I just need to hear from a cis-womans perspective their experience with trans-men, and how i can make sure I am pleasing her to the best of my ability with the junk that i have.

Sorry for the random post, i just really want to make sure I am doing the best I can.

For the partners of trans woman out there...

Hello I'm MTF about 10m into HRT. I was afraid I was going to lose the feeling of attraction that I have for my partner(F), I have read a lot of experiences about how the relationships can't continue because of lost of libido and attraction. But as time passes I feel more and more attracted and excited by my partner, up to the point where I can't concentrate if she is near me, I get hot and seek for her attention.

Has any experienced this with their partner?

Thanks, and hugs to all ☺️.

To preface, being trans is perfectly fine of course, and I don't want to seem as though I am belittling my partner or any trans person. Also my partner has not decided on any pronouns and has verbally said he wants they/the, and calling them Shawn.

So basically when I met my partner, I knew they enjoyed cross dressing, I was never attracted to that aspect of them but otherwise, they were and still are so hot, funny, smart, creative, kind and athletic, so I didn't mind it, I engaged with it to make them feel pretty.

However, my partner had a porn addiction, and a lot of it was to do with trans women, cross dressing, etc.. After I discovered their porn addiction, and we had many fights over them not stopping. There was a situation where I found some gross figurines and posters in our home, which led to a meltdown on my behalf, it was a truly horrible time, I broke the figurines, I ripped the posters, I packed my bags and left. Some of the things I called them were unforgivable. Eventually we started to rebuild our relationship, it was hard and still is, but after that situation, he never cross dressed again...

Skip forward a while, he tells me they want to transition. I feel awful, I feel like I locked away a part of them. On top of all this, I am bisexual, I am sexually attracted to women, but the thought of them as a woman does nothing for me.

Overall I feel like I'm losing my boy, I feel full of grief. I'm sad to be young and losing sex that I love. I'm angry at myself for not being happy for them. I'm angry for making them feel isolated. and I'm frustrated cause I keep educating myself and still can't understand what to do. Can I make myself want to have sex with them? can i stay attracted to them? why does all this make me so nauseous, am i a bad person?